Taskmaster UK S19E01
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TVTranscript
00:00This was a mistake!
00:04Shut up!
00:05Button?
00:14You're mad.
00:16Wow.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:35Hello! Thank you, I'm Greg Davies.
00:37Welcome to this brand new series of Taskmaster!
00:45I have never felt so full of hope.
00:48The tasks are new, the contestants are new,
00:51and whilst I was enjoying my single-origin espresso this morning,
00:54they were being shaved down and put through our 12-point hygiene programme,
00:58ready for battle, so they all smell just great...
01:01for now.
01:02So, let's meet the new recruits,
01:04ready to risk it all to take home Daddy's golden head.
01:10Daddy's golden head of destiny,
01:13is a sentence I forgot I wrote.
01:16Please welcome...
01:18Fatih Al Gorey!
01:21Jason Mandzuka!
01:24Matthew Baker!
01:26Rosie Ramsey!
01:29And Stevie Martin!
01:33And next to me, a man who is a lifelong supporter
01:36of Liverpool Football Club,
01:38and tells me that the only downside to that
01:40is meeting the other fans,
01:42who he finds to be universally stupid
01:45and physically disgusting.
01:47LAUGHTER
01:49Thank you, Alex Hall!
01:52Nice to be here.
01:54OK.
01:55Hello, everyone.
01:57I've designed for episode one a brand-new magic trick,
02:00and I know you love magic, Greg.
02:01I love magic.
02:02Well, you're going to love this magic trick.
02:03It's called the magic pen.
02:04It looks like an ordinary pen.
02:06Mm-hm.
02:07But I've signed it using the pen.
02:11How?
02:13I'll tell you how.
02:15Magic.
02:16Magic.
02:18Magic.
02:19Magic pen.
02:20How's it done?
02:22I know you're thinking, maybe I've used a second pen.
02:24Well, look.
02:25Here is another pen.
02:26Also signed.
02:27How?
02:28I'll tell you how.
02:29Magic.
02:30Magic.
02:32Could there be another pen?
02:33Yes, but also signed.
02:36Magic.
02:37Yes.
02:38I know the man well,
02:39and I wouldn't be surprised if there's a fourth pen.
02:41LAUGHTER
02:43Magic.
02:45I don't think you'd go to fifth, though.
02:47I did, actually,
02:48and I couldn't work out how to get it on this one.
02:50Anyway, that's the magic trick.
02:52An auspicious beginning to a new season.
02:55Series, Jason.
03:00I'm with him, you're a guest in this country.
03:03You'll learn our ways by hook or crook, young man.
03:07OK, let's have our first prize task category, please.
03:10OK, and we're starting the series with the object
03:13that reminds you of school the most in a good way.
03:16Mm.
03:17We all know Greg used to be a teacher.
03:18Mm.
03:19We also know Greg has played teachers on TV,
03:21and, as the taskmaster, he's sort of like a head teacher.
03:24So, yes, Greg's got range.
03:26Five points...
03:28I've not got range!
03:30I'm amazed you're in showbiz!
03:34You should be, at most, an assistant bank manager.
03:38LAUGHTER
03:39So, five points will be gifted to the bringer of the item Greg likes best,
03:43and the winner of the episode will take home all five prizes
03:46in a great big school satchel.
03:48Peace out, man.
03:49OK, Fatio, welcome to Taskmaster.
03:51What have you brought me?
03:52So, I brought in a golf club.
03:54Here it is.
03:55That reminds her of school the most in a good way.
03:58As a kid, I used to be really naughty, and my mum had enough,
04:01so she came up the school, and she goes to the teacher,
04:03if Fertiha keeps on playing up, hit her, and then he got this thing,
04:08and he put it as if he's going to do a golf move, and then...
04:11And he would hit you with a golf club?
04:12No, he would pretend to.
04:13Are you mad?
04:14Am I mad?
04:15LAUGHTER
04:16Like, he would pretend to, so he'd, like, try to scare me
04:20into being a good girl.
04:21So, the thing that you've brought in that reminds you of school
04:24in a good way is a golf club that your teacher used to
04:27threaten you with.
04:28Yeah, cos I never got hit, so that's a good thing.
04:30Ah!
04:31The glass is half full.
04:34Jason, what thing did you bring in to represent the good times?
04:38Well, this, for me, was something that was ubiquitous
04:40in my high school.
04:42It is a map, but it's the kind of map that was mounted on the
04:45blackboard that you pulled down like this.
04:47Oh, sweet.
04:48Right?
04:49See, I thought you might like that.
04:50Here it is.
04:51Oh, yeah.
04:52Oh, yeah, nice.
04:53I mean, how satisfying is that?
04:54That's nice.
04:55If I could just imagine myself in the world.
04:58So, your childhood imagination just soared?
05:01Just wishing that I could get out and get here onto this stage.
05:05Wow.
05:06It's both heartwarming and tragic.
05:08LAUGHTER
05:09Who's next?
05:10Oh, I've got some facts about America, if you want.
05:12No, thanks.
05:13LAUGHTER
05:15I have brought the TV trolley.
05:19Oh, the TV trolley.
05:21Another blinding move.
05:23Just a sweet nostalgia.
05:25When this bad boy came out, you knew you were in for 45 minutes
05:29of watching a probably late 70s, early 80s old episode
05:34of Equinox.
05:36Yeah.
05:38Science documentary.
05:39And you would ignore the educational content
05:41and you would just be sort of laughing at the fashion.
05:44Well, having been a teacher,
05:46I can give you a bit of a glance behind the magician's curtain here.
05:49Because normally you would see the film or the documentary on a Friday,
05:53and the reason for that is the teachers all went to the pub.
05:55And I'm proud to tell you, I did a five-pint lunch.
05:59LAUGHTER
06:01Every Friday?
06:03And it was Guinness too, so I was heavy.
06:07LAUGHTER
06:09Thank you, I like your trolley.
06:11I mean, I've got to say, the golf club's looking less and less appealing.
06:14LAUGHTER
06:16Rosie, welcome.
06:19What have you brought in?
06:20I brought me school dinner.
06:21Oh.
06:22LAUGHTER
06:23So that's chicken with gravy.
06:25Is it?
06:26LAUGHTER
06:27The TV should not stand up.
06:29What's all the way to the left next to the brown turd?
06:32LAUGHTER
06:33Oh, that's stuffing.
06:34The dessert is on the same thing as the main.
06:36Yeah.
06:37So you could go in your...
06:38That's all right.
06:39It all goes in the same stomach.
06:41That's bold.
06:42This is good.
06:43Stevie, school, good times?
06:45No.
06:46But I found, like, a sort of cultural cachet in my school,
06:50which involves the prize task.
06:52Write cultural cachet down.
06:53Yes.
06:54Is it, hold it down to get the E acute?
06:56LAUGHTER
06:58Stay with me.
07:00LAUGHTER
07:02It is.
07:04LAUGHTER
07:06LAUGHTER
07:09So, scented gel pens.
07:11Oh.
07:12What people would do is draw their name for the person
07:15they were going out with.
07:16Mm.
07:17And then everyone would just walk around smelling the back
07:18of their hand all day.
07:19Yeah.
07:20But the cultural cachet was that my name begins with S,
07:23so I could do the Superman S thing, which was...
07:25Do you know the Superman S thing?
07:27Yeah.
07:28Yes, of course.
07:29OK.
07:30You said that you were in your 70s or something.
07:31I don't know.
07:32They had Superman, didn't they?
07:33No, they didn't.
07:34LAUGHTER
07:36I'm not Victorian.
07:38Sorry.
07:39Sorry, yes, yes.
07:40Five objects there, Greg.
07:42What reminds you of school in the least good way?
07:44Well, obviously, being hit with a golf club.
07:47One point to Fatih.
07:48Well done, we're off the mark.
07:49I guess I have to judge it on the things that made me go,
07:51ah, the most, so I have to give Stevie two points
07:53because gel pens are a little bit new for me.
07:55Two to Stevie.
07:56Three to the school dinner.
07:58OK.
07:59Ah, for no other reason than we need to move on.
08:01OK.
08:02And...
08:03I love the VHS trolley,
08:05but it also slightly reminds me of my own teaching days.
08:08I love the romance of the map.
08:10So, five points to Jason.
08:11There we go.
08:12Well done, Jason Munster, five points.
08:14APPLAUSE
08:16Right, let's get going.
08:18OK.
08:19Well, hands down and heads up
08:21as we kick off proceedings in the lab.
08:24Hello, hello, hello.
08:38Fancy seeing you here.
08:42Jason.
08:43Alex.
08:47Hi.
08:48Excellent entrance.
08:50Is this the lab?
08:59Wait, am I in the wrong room?
09:01This is the lab.
09:02It's the lab, innit?
09:05Bit mad.
09:06I'm going to read this.
09:07Not wasting any time.
09:08Right.
09:09Hello.
09:10Stevie?
09:11Yes.
09:12Did you get lost?
09:13I went to the wrong room.
09:15Let's go.
09:16Put your hands on the hands.
09:20Shut your eyes and keep them shut
09:22until you hear the whistle.
09:24Time to start now.
09:25Put your hands on the hands.
09:26Yes, please.
09:27Oh, I'm scared.
09:29OK.
09:34Are they shot?
09:35Yeah, they shot.
09:36Marvellous.
09:37I can't.
09:39Oi, don't make me look silly, innit?
09:42I wouldn't dream of it.
09:43Wow.
09:45Can I open my eyes now?
09:50Yes, if you've heard the whistle.
09:55Ah!
09:58What?
09:59What is it?
10:01Yeah, that's what I thought.
10:02Two jars of piss.
10:05You've got your glasses on again if you want.
10:08Son of a bitch.
10:10OK, you can read the next part of the task now.
10:11Are you taking a mick?
10:12How am I going to do that?
10:16Oh, I hate this.
10:18Pour all the vinegar into the fish tank.
10:22Fastest wins.
10:23For every millimetre spilled.
10:25One second will be added to your time.
10:27Your time starts when you heard the whistle.
10:29OK.
10:30Alex, where's the fish tank?
10:31Let me guess.
10:32It's underneath me?
10:34Is that a fish tank?
10:35Is this a fish tank?
10:37LAUGHTER
10:38APPLAUSE
10:43Good.
10:44Fatia said,
10:45Oi, don't make me look stupid, innit?
10:47And all I've written is,
10:49You have come to the wrong show, my friend.
10:51LAUGHTER
10:54She was furious from the moment we said,
10:56Shut your eyes.
10:57Oh, for goodness.
10:58Yeah.
10:59That's how I am, honestly.
11:00Once I went to the shop and they ran out of the chocolate I wanted
11:02and I called the police.
11:05You reported him because he hadn't kept up to speed with his chocolate supply.
11:08Yeah.
11:09Wow.
11:11Well, we begin with Fatia and Jason.
11:15And Matt.
11:17And Stevie.
11:19And that's it.
11:20Sorry, Rosie.
11:21Here we go.
11:26Laughing doesn't help.
11:29Oh, I can't...
11:33What happens if it's...
11:34It's going to take some time.
11:41And I haven't thought through what happens when I get to the edge.
11:47Your finger's been the wrong way.
11:48Which way up are they?
11:51That's amazing.
11:53Don't start!
11:55Don't start, Ralph.
11:56My assumption is I can...
11:58Whoa.
11:59Now what?
12:01Come on, you.
12:04Why are you laughing, bro?
12:07Okay.
12:21Right.
12:23Now we're cooking.
12:27Perfect.
12:28See you in a minute.
12:31We're going to follow you.
12:32Of course you're going to follow me.
12:35It's all science-y in here.
12:37This season's theme, science.
12:39Oh, God.
12:45It's probably in the shed.
12:47Fish tank, fish tank, fish tank.
12:49Pour the vinegar in the fish tank.
12:51If I don't find it soon, I'm going to drink it!
12:53Okay.
12:54I'm either going to hate you or I'm going to hate myself.
12:56Okay.
12:57Well, I hope it's you in a way.
12:58This is a tank.
13:00No, it's not a tank.
13:01Well, that's a...
13:02It's a submarine.
13:03Hmm.
13:04All right.
13:05Have I lost my mind?
13:10Oh, you're taking the piss, bruv.
13:13What's this?
13:14What's it look like?
13:16You fucking assholes.
13:17Wait.
13:18Oh!
13:19Fish tank!
13:20Oh, fuck.
13:21I just spilled some.
13:22This is popping everywhere.
13:23Oh, okay.
13:24Okay.
13:25I don't like that.
13:26Son of a bitch.
13:28Oh, this is good.
13:29Okay.
13:30All the winning is in the fish tank?
13:31Yes.
13:32Yeah, it is.
13:33Oh, it's 12 o'clock.
13:34Done.
13:35Woo!
13:36That was exciting.
13:37Yeah, for you.
13:38You're not the one that smells like a chip shop, no, innit?
13:49Have I gone past it and just not seen it?
13:50I genuinely don't know.
13:51I can't imagine so.
13:52You genuinely don't.
13:53No, I can't, I don't know.
13:54I can't imagine.
13:55You genuinely don't know.
13:56No.
13:57No.
13:58Oh my, thanks mate.
14:00No, no.
14:01Oh my.
14:02What're you?
14:03Tom, no.
14:04OK.
14:05I know, maybe I know.
14:06Genuinely don't know
14:08Bullshit
14:13He's doing laps now
14:17I'm back in here
14:23Fuck off
14:25Hey Matthew
14:27You found a fish tank? Yeah. Found a fish tank. Do you remember I said I'd either hate myself or you? Yeah
14:34It's you
14:44It seems that we have a very angry cohort already this year. Matthew ran around a garden
14:49What were you thinking when you were just running around the garden looking for a fish tank?
14:55And then when you did find it you were very angry. Yes. What were you angry at the pun? Yeah
15:04I think that's what we all got
15:06I think you were fairly angry
15:08I mean it was irritating
15:10It was so irritating
15:12Stevie I was quite fascinated by you suddenly shouting if you didn't find the tank soon you were going to drink the liquid
15:16Especially as in the early part you'd identified it as pierce
15:20It's quite dehydrating the process and also as well
15:24I just completely ignored the two jar lids
15:26It messes with your brain doesn't it? Yeah
15:28You learn this is the stuff that he loves
15:30Yeah
15:31And this is the stuff that he loves
15:33Yeah
15:34He sits at home when going
15:39I can tell you that so far the person who's doing the best in the task is Stevie
15:43You did 7 minutes 42 and you didn't spill anything
15:45Matt didn't spill anything either
15:47Took 12 minutes 3 seconds
15:49Looked worse than that but because of the lack of spillage you were fine
15:51Jason you were much quicker but your
15:53Milliliters or spill-a-liters you could call them spill-a-liters
15:57Let's not do that
15:59Tipped you over to 17 minutes 29 I'm so sorry
16:01Because I was penalised for spilling
16:03Penalised and Fatia you were
16:05Fatia 10 minutes 12
16:07But we're not going to find out how Rosie's done until after the break
16:09Oh
16:11Ooh that builds the tension
16:13It must be really shit
16:15Go on then off you pop
16:17I said it's break time go
16:19Go
16:29Hey
16:31Welcome back to Tustmaster
16:32Our first task is underway and the new contestants have been trying to pour all of their vinegar into a fish tank
16:38A fish tank which turned out to be a tank driven by a fish
16:41It's clever it's funny and it winds Greg up
16:44Tick tick tick
16:46For every millilitre spilt one second will be added to their time
16:49Rosie has watched all of her rivals attempts
16:51And now she has to watch herself back knowing what's happened before her so good luck Rosie
17:04Mmm
17:06Well done
17:07Can I go in here?
17:08Okay
17:09Fish tank
17:10How's it going Rosie?
17:15Erm
17:16It's
17:17No I haven't found anything yet
17:18This is a bath
17:21That's a good
17:22That's not a fish tank
17:23I don't think
17:24I've not seen a fish tank anywhere
17:29No
17:30I'm just looking for a fish tank
17:32Anything could be a fish tank really couldn't it?
17:34Okay
17:35Is that a fish tank or a jar?
17:36It's a jar isn't it?
17:37Do you want me to stop the clock Rosie?
17:38Yeah
17:39Let's stop the clock
17:40Okay bye
17:41Okay bye
17:42Watch them fish
17:43I mean should I disqualify you or not?
17:45No
17:46What?
17:47It's not a fish tank
17:48Do you want me to stop the clock Rosie?
17:49Yeah
17:50Let's stop the clock
17:51Okay bye
17:52Okay bye
17:53Watch them fish
17:54I mean should I disqualify you or not?
18:00No
18:01What?
18:02It's not a fish tank
18:04Do you want to tell you the definition of a fish tank?
18:06I do want you to tell me
18:07Well it's a tank driven by a fish
18:09Or a transparent container of water in which live fish and other water creatures and plants are killed
18:16I thought outside the box
18:19She did think outside the box
18:20I did think outside the box
18:21Shall I tell you the times and you can decide what to do
18:23Stevie was the quickest with 7.42 then Fatia 10 minutes
18:27Matt 12 minutes
18:28Rosie was 15 and a half minutes
18:30Okay
18:31Didn't spill a drop
18:32Jason because of his spillage was 17 minutes 29
18:35If it had been a normal fish tank then I would be penalising Rosie
18:38But because it was a stupid play on words I'm going to allow her fish tank
18:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:44Well done
18:45Yes
18:46Okay
18:47So you're saying that Jason comes last
18:491 point
18:502 points to Rosie
18:513 to Matt
18:524 to Fatia
18:53But Stevie gets the full 5 points
18:54Very nice
18:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:58Let's have our first scoreboard please
19:00Joint leaders with 7 points are Matt and Stevie
19:03What's next my cylindrical little piglet?
19:12Don't mind that
19:14Backwards and forwards thing Cooler doing involves task next this Greg
19:18Well
19:19Oh God
19:20You look very cool
19:33I know
19:34You look nice
19:37I look
19:38Cool
19:40Cool guy
19:43Thank you
19:45If you could use one word to describe me what would it be?
19:48Ridiculous
19:49Oh
19:50Not what I was hoping for
19:53Do something really cool
19:55You have a maximum of 10 minutes
19:58Your time starts now
20:03Is there a bed?
20:04Cool's sort of not caring
20:07Yeah I don't care
20:08Or is it actually cool to be passionate?
20:12Now super quick question can I get on the roof?
20:15I would say you definitely can't do that
20:17Really?
20:18I can't go out into traffic
20:21No
20:22Can't get on the roof
20:23Can't go on the road
20:25You know what?
20:26Comedy thrives on yes and not no but
20:30It wasn't even no but it was you definitely can't
20:32Oh that's anti-cool
20:34Okay
20:36What cool things can you do?
20:38Let's think of cool things I can't do
20:40Right
20:41And then we try to find something that I can do
20:43What's cool?
20:44What is cool?
20:45Lemonade?
20:46Yeah lemonade is cool
20:48What do you do that's cool?
20:49Sometimes spit
20:50What?
20:51Yuck
20:52I'm gonna go and get a guitar
20:56It's time horn
20:57Yeah?
20:58Happy with that?
20:59Yeah see you later mate move
21:00Oh actually you're messing down I'm so sorry
21:01It's actually rude rather than cool
21:02I know
21:03Um sorry sorry sorry there is one more thing
21:06Great
21:07Do your cool thing backwards
21:08The cool thing backwards played backwards that looks most like the forwards cool thing played forwards wins
21:13You have 15 minutes your time starts now
21:20You have 15 minutes your time starts now
21:24Well I think I speak for all of us when I say I'm looking forward to Matthew playing a song backwards
21:31Well I think I speak for all of us when I say I'm looking forward to Matthew playing a song backwards
21:35Well we're gonna start with Martin Stevie doing something cool backwards
21:56It's time horn
21:58It's time horn
22:05It's time horn
22:06So that was the footage reversed obviously so
22:20Oh was it?
22:21Yes
22:22Stevie I'm not one for platitudes
22:24It might be the single coolest thing I've ever seen
22:27I enjoyed the addition of the little man popping out of the bin
22:33I've got no notes
22:34Fine
22:35It will go downhill right?
22:37Well there's Matt playing guitar next
22:38Here we go
22:43I'm Matthew Bainton and this is cool
22:49Don't let the bad kids get you down
22:51Turn that big frown upside down
22:53Turn that big frown upside down
22:54Turn that big frown upside down
22:55You'd be a fool
22:56If you thought that not caring was cool
22:58If you thought that not caring was cool
23:00That would get you down
23:02In the middle of the room
23:03But you get you an easy and satisfying
23:17Can you go all things?
23:18Yes
23:19To here I get you in a algebra
23:21It will no unknown
23:22Could you go all things?
23:23and
23:25see I
23:27know
23:29you
23:31would
23:33be
23:35happy
23:37if you
23:39thought
23:41that
23:43not
23:45going
23:47to
23:49I
23:51mean I thought you were this
23:53generation's Morrissey before I
23:55saw it reversed
23:57quite Eurovision in
23:5970s Eurovision
24:01it straddles the genres
24:03I mean if this is the last thing you achieve in your life you've done well
24:07I think it's
24:09powerful thank you can I get a rewind
24:11you can because it's time for
24:13Rosie Ramsey
24:15can you give me a sick sick beat
24:17okay
24:47I've got kids.
25:08I felt like we were watching CCTV from a secure unit.
25:17Really, really bad.
25:22And now, as I always say, partway through Alex and my playful wrestling sessions,
25:27it's time for a break!
25:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
25:38Hello. Welcome back to the third part of the show
25:41where our cool new contestants have to be cool
25:44and then do that cool thing backwards.
25:46Oh, yeah, this guy knows his shiz.
25:48Next up, and good luck guessing what's happening here, Greg,
25:51it's Fatia's attempt.
25:53So is this in...
25:56..near arms is here...
25:59..yesh, yeah, well, that's it, you know, I've said...
26:02..you're sicky...
26:04..now, eh...
26:05..vergally.
26:07..you know what I'm saying...
26:09..you know what I'm saying...
26:10..you know what I'm saying...
26:11..so-lo-one...
26:13..yeah mini-no-va-hup.
26:18..so-lo-one...
26:20..so-lo-one...
26:21ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
26:31What the fuck's going up?
26:34Do you want to see it going forward?
26:37Well, I need to, cos at the moment I just feel angry.
26:40LAUGHTER
26:42OK, well, this is a cool thing she did forwards,
26:44then let's see if you understand it after that.
26:46If we get some sweets and then you eat one
26:50and I can tell which one it is, by the way, you're chewing.
26:53For real, man, for real, I'm not even playing with you.
26:56Well, that's quite cool. I'm so good at that game.
26:59Yeah, let go.
27:05It's in.
27:07Right, start chewing it.
27:14Is it this?
27:16Is it this?
27:22Is it this?
27:25It's not going to plan.
27:32Yeah!
27:33I only had seven goes and I got it on the eighth.
27:36Wow. Placed?
27:37Yeah.
27:38If we were holding hands, I would have got it on the first one.
27:40Hmm.
27:41APPLAUSE
27:48OK, Fatsy, what's going on here?
27:50Because that's not a known game.
27:52It is.
27:53Me and my friend play it all the time and I always win.
27:55Oh, play?
27:56Yeah.
27:57Well, present tense.
27:58Only with him, cos you have to have a connection.
28:00Do you know why it didn't work?
28:02Because Muppet features over there had glasses on.
28:04Oh, sorry.
28:05It was Alex's one.
28:06It was.
28:07Why didn't you tell me to take the glasses off?
28:09Cos I thought...
28:10LAUGHTER
28:11Shut up!
28:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:19Who buys the sweet soup?
28:20Any of us.
28:21If he doesn't bring them, do you call the police on him?
28:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
28:30OK.
28:31One left to see, Greg.
28:32Yeah.
28:33It's Jason Mandzukin.
28:43Locked door!
28:49Locked door.
28:50Lock pick set.
28:54Locking door.
29:00Locking door.
29:02Three seconds.
29:03Wичес-
29:08Locking door.
29:09Oh, great, but death.
29:12CHANGING
29:17Cool!
29:19Luke!
29:21Huh?
29:25Pretty cool, right?
29:29It was pretty cool.
29:31Yeah.
29:33I mean, what am I?
29:35Magnum P.I.?
29:37Huh?
29:39Pretty cool, right?
29:41It was pretty cool.
29:43Yeah. I mean, what am I, Magnum P.I.?
29:45Where's that come from?
29:47My bag.
29:49APPLAUSE
29:55Undeniably impressive.
29:57I've been sidetracked, though, by when you were asked
29:59where you got the lockpicking set.
30:01Yes. You replied, from my bag.
30:03Correct. OK.
30:05Who are you?
30:07Well, you might have also heard me say, who am I,
30:09Magnum P.I.? Because that is where I learned those skills.
30:13And I became obsessed with picking locks,
30:15so I bought a lockpick set.
30:17And you can also buy practice locks that you can practice.
30:19Don't use this tone, I'm the fool, here.
30:21LAUGHTER
30:23Listen up, dummy!
30:25Yes, and if you're wondering, the lockpick set
30:27is in my dressing room right now.
30:29Who do you let on this show, bruv?
30:31LAUGHTER
30:33Says fucking Guess the Sweets.
30:35LAUGHTER
30:37Well...
30:39Who's only going to get one point, then?
30:41Well, Fatia.
30:42Correct.
30:43LAUGHTER
30:45I feel like I've dissed Rosie really badly,
30:47but it's probably the least accurate.
30:49Two points for Rosie.
30:51Oh, God, everybody else is pretty good.
30:53Maybe Jason gets three.
30:55I'm going to make a rogue decision and say that,
30:57because I think that he moved the hearts of the nation
30:59with his beautiful son.
31:00LAUGHTER
31:01I'm going to give Matthew the five points and...
31:02APPLAUSE
31:03There we go.
31:04Four to three to five to Matthew.
31:05Incredible.
31:06Caring is cool.
31:09I'd like another task, please.
31:11Little Alex Head.
31:12OK, yes, and roll up, roll up.
31:14No, I don't mean reefers, Greg.
31:16I mean it's time...
31:18LAUGHTER
31:19..for the greatest sporting event of all time.
31:22MUSIC PLAYS
31:39Well...
31:41LAUGHTER
31:42What have you been?
31:43Just been for a little hike around the forest, clearly.
31:45Mmm.
31:47Should we do it?
31:49By we, I mean me and you just...
31:52..stand around.
31:55LAUGHTER
31:56Win the Peelyimpics.
31:58Win the Peelyimpics.
32:01Peelyimpics.
32:03Well, P-E-A-L-Y...
32:05Peely.
32:07M-P-I-C-S.
32:09Peelyimpics.
32:10Peelyimpics.
32:11Peelyimpics.
32:12There are five events.
32:13The top two performers in each event get a medal.
32:16Most medals wins.
32:19Mm-hm.
32:20So, it doesn't matter if you come first or second,
32:22as long as you come first or second.
32:23All right.
32:24Yeah?
32:25Yeah.
32:26Ready for the Peelyimpics?
32:27Do I have a choice?
32:29LAUGHTER
32:30Yeah, exactly.
32:31APPLAUSE
32:33OK.
32:36Straight in.
32:37Straight in.
32:38Well, first up, it is Fatia and Mattia.
32:42Five events.
32:43This is event number one.
32:45Work out which pillow the P is under.
32:49In the fewest guesses, you have three minutes.
32:52Well, it could be any of them, couldn't it?
32:54Could be.
32:55I think it's that yellow one.
32:56Right.
32:57Chop, chop.
32:58It's not under there.
32:59The green one next to it, please.
33:00Right.
33:01No.
33:02The order of colours changes around here.
33:04Oh, that's interesting.
33:05It's that arbitrary.
33:07Either is or isn't.
33:11How many are there?
33:1226.
33:13Nice number.
33:14Whatever.
33:15It makes a difference.
33:1620 seconds to find the P.
33:21That green one over there?
33:22Uh, no.
33:23Two seconds.
33:27Nice sound of the P.
33:28Well, that was a waste of time.
33:29Yep, I agree.
33:30Ready for the second event?
33:31Wow.
33:32I don't mind going back to your spot.
33:34If you don't mind, I'd like to just dwell on the regret.
33:36Yep.
33:37No, it's fine.
33:38Balance your P on the highest tower of carrots.
33:42You have three minutes.
33:43I don't have the P.
33:44Can I get you the P?
33:45Here we go.
33:46Oh, you're out of order.
33:48I'm taking my mind here.
33:49I think it counts, doesn't it?
33:5312 seconds left.
33:59Not long now.
34:00Two seconds, really.
34:02Fuck off!
34:03No!
34:05Event number two is over.
34:09It's a lovely tower.
34:12No P.
34:13Right.
34:14Event number three.
34:15Okay.
34:16Catch a P fired from the P catapult.
34:19If you catch a P in one hand, your time is divided by two.
34:23If you catch a P in your mouth, your time is divided by five.
34:27Good luck, Matthew.
34:29Here they come.
34:32Literally can't see it.
34:34Couldn't see it.
34:35Quick.
34:36I can't even see it.
34:37I can't see it.
34:39I can't see it.
34:42Can you do more than one?
34:43Yeah.
34:44Do it again.
34:45Yeah.
34:47Do it again.
34:49Why couldn't you get, like, the big bees?
34:51The haricots or whatever they're called.
34:52Why you get these?
34:53Who's catching these?
34:54I'm not a bird.
34:55Oh, if it gets in my hijab, does that count?
34:56Yeah, that counts.
34:57I've got loads.
34:58Oh, congratulations.
34:59Okay, this is the last one.
35:00Please.
35:02Is there a P in your hand?
35:26No.
35:29that's the end of event number three throw a pee the furthest towards the
35:35river please so into the wind yep
35:42must be in that direction yeah I know you're deranged right so I know I'm
35:47gonna throw this and then you're gonna make me go and get it no few practices
35:56are you gonna actually throw them yeah I'm gonna throw the real one now ten
36:00seconds
36:10find your throne pee the fastest love a maximum of three minutes time stuff see
36:16when you open the top be careful why did I do practices there's my pee can you see
36:22that was my one finally please yeah dude is that it yeah that's it you got two
36:27minutes ten
36:31you're only finding peas not carrots
36:37we don't even one full episode into this series all right I think you might be
36:51close to the edge is not even close to my lowest day I remember that fondly if
36:57anything fabulous fatia I'm sure you find this show an inconvenience
37:04how dare you I call fucking five peas brother you mad
37:10yes well
37:12so that's the end of part three who will win the episode and then have to drag home a
37:17TV trolley not me and that's all that matters
37:29welcome back to the final part of this first outing with our new competitors
37:34before the break they've been taking part in our very own pee based Olympics oh
37:38yes the old Peely Olympics five events and just three legume legends to go so last up to the
37:46mark it's Rosie Stevie and Jason work out which pillow the pee is under you may not
37:52tamper with a pillow before guessing so it's just guess maybe I'm gonna guess this
37:58one no no no no do you know where the pee is no no no the peas don't talk
38:05don't think people my life no they're vegetables I'm just gonna guess this guy and this guy I'm
38:12gonna get this guy with no way it has to be guessed oh really so I'm just gonna do them all
38:17are they look this guy this guy there it is I like your system yeah I just chose different guys to
38:25uh to flip over mmm that one ah weirdly you put a pee under the right pillow it was clever but
38:40unnecessary yeah and I was a tamper to do this so I've lost okay cool
38:43balance your pee on the highest tower of carrots I'm not good at building stuff you know right
38:53I want to have said that a carrot is a rolly veg but yeah all right
38:57have you washed these carrots we will
39:0912 seconds that's as good as I'm gonna get I think 10 seconds
39:28I mean this is irrelevant that's a lovely tower will you do any better in event number three
39:47catch a pee fired from the pee catapult if you catch a pee in your mouth your time is divided by
39:54five good luck okay go how can you do one test please
40:02okay what about if you fire it right into my face 55 seconds
40:25you catch one no yes go pee here we go congratulations
40:37draw a pee the furthest now I'll be honest I'm gonna tuck this in there nobody's ever gonna find
40:47the pee pee is inside peł here pee is inside the pea has been thrown
40:58pressure
41:04think they got down to here did it
41:10We found the P yet
41:16Got it. I've stopped the clock. I will need to check the peas in it. Any sign of the P?
41:2520 seconds worth hurrying up
41:27Okay, I'll try another bit
41:30You found the P? I found the P
41:33Come on
41:35If I'd have got that carrot tower
41:37Oh
41:39It all rested on that carrot tower
41:49I've stopped the clock
41:57That's the most joyous moment so far
41:59Unbelievably, she found a P in a field quicker than these two found carrots in a field
42:07Well, you found loads of other carrots before your one
42:09You took over two minutes. She found hers in a minute and a half
42:11Wow
42:13Now on to the tragic story of this particular P
42:15Olympics
42:17But there was a victory within your attempt, wasn't there?
42:19I mean, no one's made a better carrot tower than that ever
42:21Thank you
42:23I then lost because the P rolled off
42:25No, no, I mean, it's all for nothing
42:27It's all right
42:29Well, the medal ceremony will happen on the screen behind me
42:31I can tell you that
42:33Stevie, as you can see, you did get one medal for your catch in your mouth
42:35Matt, you also got one medal
42:37So you come joint fourth, you get two points
42:39Fatia, you got two golds in your tower and your find
42:41You are third
42:43Two people in first place, Jason with your two golds and your silver
42:45Rosie, you got one gold and two silvers
42:47So you both get five points
42:49Well done
42:51Can we have a quick look at the scores?
42:53Yes, Fatia
42:55You are in last place
42:57With nine points
42:59Jason and Matt in the lead
43:01on 14
43:05Please make your way to the stage
43:07for the final task of the show
43:15Hello there, sweet cheeks
43:17Hi Greg
43:19Who will be meeting the task?
43:21I would like Rosie Ramsey to read it, please
43:23Rosie
43:24Pleasure
43:25Get the most raisins in your wine glass
43:28You may only touch raisins with your mouth
43:32You must not bend at the waist
43:34And your hands must be behind your back at all times
43:38Also, every time you drop a raisin into your wine glass
43:41You must shout the name of one of your competitors
43:44That competitor must immediately shout their name too
43:48If they don't, Alex will empty their wine glass
43:51Oof
43:52You have 100 seconds
43:54Wow
43:55So, Greg is going to be watching the waist work
43:58Greg, if you think someone's bending, I'll come over
44:00Oh my God, I'll be on them like a puma
44:02Yes
44:03But also I will empty their wine glass
44:05OK, good luck everyone, your time starts on the whistle
44:07WHISTLE
44:08WHISTLE
44:09WHISTLE
44:10Don't bend that waist
44:11WHISTLE
44:12WHISTLE
44:13WHISTLE
44:14WHISTLE
44:15WHISTLE
44:16WHISTLE
44:17WHISTLE
44:18You must shout someone's name if you...
44:20JASON!
44:21JASON!
44:22JASON!
44:23HEAVY
44:24HEAVY
44:27HEAVY
44:28HEAVY
44:30HEAVY
44:31HEAVY
44:32HEAVY
44:33DEELY
44:34HEAVY
44:35HEAVY
44:36No, no
44:37Matthew
44:38You must shout your own name
44:39Oh, fuck
44:40Well
44:41Rosie
44:42Josie
44:43BOOBOO
44:44HEAVY
44:45HEAVY
44:46HEAVY
44:47HEAVY
44:48HEAVY
44:49Who?
44:50Mario!
44:51Rosie!
44:52You've got to shout your own mate.
44:53She did shout Rosie.
44:54Jason!
44:55Matthew!
44:56Vatiya!
44:57Vatiya!
44:58Vatiya!
44:59Vatiya!
45:00Vatiya!
45:01Well I would empty it but there's nothing in there.
45:03Rosie!
45:04Rosie!
45:05Rosie!
45:06Rosie!
45:07Rosie!
45:08Thank you!
45:0930 seconds left.
45:11Stevie!
45:12Stevie!
45:13Rosie!
45:14Rosie!
45:15Jason!
45:16Jason!
45:17Matthew!
45:18Vatiya!
45:19Vatiya!
45:20Vatiya!
45:21Vatiya!
45:22Vatiya!
45:23Vatiya!
45:24Vatiya!
45:25Vatiya!
45:26Vatiya!
45:27Vatiya!
45:28Vatiya!
45:29Vatiya!
45:30Rosie!
45:31Rosie!
45:32Stop!
45:33Stop!
45:38Listen, we'll work the scores out. We'll add them to your final scores. Please come down and join me!
45:45Well, well, well, that was insane.
45:56I guess we start with Fatia. You didn't get any raisins in your glass in the end.
46:01And there's a very good reason for that, isn't there, Fatia?
46:03Yeah. My shoes in you, I'm not getting on the floor, right?
46:06She gets one point, Ridley, which is more than the amount of raisins she got in the glass.
46:12So it's one to Fatia. Jason ended up with just three raisins in his glass.
46:16Two points to Jason.
46:17Incredibly, Stevie and Rosie both got 70 raisins in their glass.
46:21Oh, my God!
46:22So they share second place and four points each,
46:24but Matthew, with 315 raisins, gets five points!
46:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:32So, I'll put the episode scores.
46:34In first place, it's Matt with 19 points!
46:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:39Matthew wins! Please serve up to the stage
46:42and snap up your school day star!
46:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:47Lot of applause
46:57SURPRISE
46:59you
47:04doing
47:05like
47:11oh
47:14yeah
47:16You