Have I Got a Bit More News for You S69E03
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00:30Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Catherine Parkinson. In the news this week, Ed Davey regrets agreeing to a photo op that represents Lib Dem's sensible middle cause between left and right.
00:49Oh!
00:58In London, there's an unfortunate first outing in front of the press for the newly appointed junior minister for sport.
01:04And in Manchester, the sun shines for the second day in a row.
01:15LAUGHTER
01:19On Ian's team tonight is a journalist for the Financial Times who once hosted a podcast called A Skeptic's Guide to Crypto, for which she was paid an absolute fortune and which is now worth 25p.
01:34Please welcome Jemima Kelly.
01:41And on Paul's team tonight is a comedian and actor better placed than most to assess the current Labour government, appearing as he has in several high-profile pantomimes.
01:51Please welcome Julian Clary.
01:53CHEERING
01:54We begin with the bigger news stories of the week. Ian and Jemima, here's yours.
02:06Steelworks, management burning all the records. Get them in!
02:10Angela Rayner looking charming in a hard hat.
02:13That's she-waving.
02:14LAUGHTER
02:15We've taken back control over the steel industry, haven't we?
02:20We have. British steel is British once more.
02:24Except it's owned by the Chinese.
02:26Except not... Yeah.
02:27And then we had to recall Parliament. They worked on a Saturday, the MPs.
02:31Mm.
02:31And it worked.
02:33Apparently that was the first time since the Falklands War that they did that on a Saturday.
02:37Really?
02:38Which is really quite a long time.
02:40I was abused that Jonathan Reynolds went up to Immingham to see all this stuff being, you know, taken off ships in order, apparently, to make Britain, you know, self-reliant.
02:50And all this stuff had apparently come in from, like, Japan, America and Australia, I think.
02:56Yeah, but it's British in the sense that we import it from other countries, we take it to a plant owned by the Chinese, then we do something or other.
03:05We put Made in Britain on it.
03:07Yes.
03:07And it's virgin steel.
03:09That sounds like a Jilly Cooper novel.
03:12Are you in it?
03:14Not yet.
03:16Yeah, you're right.
03:18This is the government's rescue of the British steel industry in the nick of time.
03:23The Chinese owners appear to be actively running down the blast furnaces.
03:26Have you any proof of that?
03:28Um, no.
03:29What were the...
03:31I think that's a disgraceful accusation.
03:34They were...
03:36The Chinese management were trying to close it down without anyone noticing.
03:40Mm.
03:41And the government had to step in.
03:42It was...
03:43It was quite exciting.
03:45Mm.
03:45What was the proof you have of that?
03:47Oh, I have proof.
03:49Yeah.
03:49I'm...
03:50I was invited into a Chinese security WhatsApp group.
03:53It's all very educational, isn't it?
03:58Yeah.
03:59Yeah.
03:59I'm glad I came.
04:00Yeah.
04:02Why is it all so touch and go in Scunthorpe?
04:05Because if you let the steelworks stop, then you can't start them again.
04:09That's right.
04:10It would be incredibly difficult to restart them.
04:13The molten steel would cool down and solidify in a big lump.
04:17So, in order to prevent this, according to the Times,
04:21a hole must be drilled in the bottom of the furnace so the slag can run off.
04:27That does sound like the plot of a Jilly Cooper.
04:30That one I'll be in.
04:34With Danny Dyer, you slag.
04:36Do you remember Rishi Sunak?
04:41Yes.
04:41Yes.
04:42Yes, we do, yes.
04:43Yes.
04:43Yes.
04:44He was the one before...
04:46Oh, which one was it?
04:49His resignation honours list was released this week.
04:53Any notable elevations?
04:55Jeremy Hunt is a sir, a knight.
04:58Yeah.
04:58And somebody else was as well.
04:59Lord Gove.
05:01Lord Gove.
05:01Yes.
05:02Lord Gove.
05:03I know.
05:04Yes.
05:04Yes, he will be taking ermine, and he's taken a lot of things.
05:12Didn't his trust get a little something for her trouble?
05:20A little gift bag.
05:23Did you notice any of Rishi Sunak's former co-workers in the news this week?
05:27Did he have co-workers?
05:28Fifteen people, including Rishi Sunak's personal aide, have been charged with gambling offences.
05:34Oh, yes.
05:34Oh, yes.
05:35Yeah.
05:35After allegedly placing bets on the timing of last year's general election.
05:39They haven't been charged with betting on the Tories to lose the election, as that information was already in the public domain.
05:46Here is Sunak's aide, Craig Williams, being doorstepped by BBC News.
05:50Did you have inside information when you placed your bet on the election date?
05:55I made a statement.
05:56It's an independent process with the gambling commission now.
05:59I won't be expanding on that statement.
06:00Did you have any inside information when you made the bet?
06:03I clearly made a huge error of judgment.
06:06He's clearly not doing very well.
06:07He's had to sell the sleeves to his jacket.
06:11Well, that's a gilet.
06:13Oh, is it?
06:13It's another error of judgment.
06:14Yeah, yeah.
06:17That's true.
06:22Do you remember Liz Truss?
06:26No.
06:28What has she just announced?
06:30She's going to start her own social media business.
06:34We'll see how long that lasts.
06:35Yeah.
06:37That's right.
06:38She's launching her own social media platform that will be completely uncensored.
06:44She told a political action conference in Washington,
06:47We've seen what independent media has done for the United States,
06:50and we want some of them.
06:53You've probably never heard of Andrew Griffith.
06:55Andrew Griffith?
06:56Andy?
06:57Oh.
06:58Do you know him?
06:59Yeah, Andy Griffith.
06:59Yeah, lovely.
07:00You might have heard what you said about the Lib Dems recently.
07:03Yeah.
07:03Oh, can we see a picture of him?
07:04Yeah.
07:06Oh.
07:06Everything I hoped for.
07:13It's a sort of face you could turn upside down,
07:16and it would still work as a face.
07:23He was asked if the Conservatives would do a deal with extremists in the Reform Party,
07:27and he said,
07:28Lib Dems are extremists.
07:30When their councillors get in, they promote four-day weeks and veganism.
07:34An outrageous slur, and here's the evidence to prove it.
07:39There's this guy.
07:41He's called President Trump,
07:42and he's messing with our trade and is hurting us.
07:45Liberal Democrats say,
07:47Fight back.
07:48Buy British.
07:49And so, I'm here in the Highlands, in Scotland,
07:52and I'm saying,
07:53Buy square sausage.
07:53Have you ever had a square sausage?
08:02Between me and my husband.
08:03Yeah.
08:06Why does Ed Davis have to say hurting?
08:09I was really focused on his dancing, actually.
08:12I thought he was being tasered.
08:15That was dancing, was it?
08:23Do you want to see another of Ed Davis's...
08:25Well, you know, his career is going to see it as a serious politician.
08:29Here we go.
08:30I'll go in.
08:30Hi, guys.
08:32I'm here in Shrewsby Market.
08:34It's a bigly market.
08:35It's doing great stuff.
08:37Come and buy your things from here.
08:39But you know that guy, President Trump,
08:41he's been panicking the markets.
08:43We're not panicking here.
08:45We're buying British.
08:46In Shrewsby.
08:50Wow.
08:51What's the matter with him?
08:53No.
08:54He did it again.
08:56Panicking.
08:57It's like a ramekin.
09:00He may be from the provinces.
09:02Yeah.
09:04How are the Labour Council of Birmingham doing with the bin strike?
09:09Not well.
09:10Yeah, not too well.
09:11It's still going on.
09:13And the rats are now 17 feet.
09:18The veteran war correspondent, Kate Adie,
09:21had more bad news for Birmingham this week.
09:23What was that?
09:24She's going to visit.
09:25No, the BBC had a secret list of the most disliked accents,
09:34and Brummie comes top.
09:35Aw.
09:36Do you agree?
09:36Do you like the Birmingham accent?
09:37I don't.
09:37I actually...
09:38I'm a fan.
09:40I like a Birmingham accent.
09:41It sounds like they're underwater, doesn't it?
09:43It sounds like they're underwater, doesn't it?
09:44Yeah.
09:45Yeah.
09:46No, no, no, no, no.
09:48Kate Adie was speaking at an event donating her personal archive
09:52to Sunderland University.
09:54She told a story about her most terrifying moment as a war reporter.
09:58Do you know what this was?
10:00Um, no, we don't.
10:02I was reporting from Belfast, and I thought I'd been shot in the face.
10:05I dropped down and assumed I was going to die
10:08until my cameraman said,
10:10get up, you've been hit by a potato.
10:15Actually, I do have a Brummie joke for you.
10:17What do you call a Brummie who installs TV aerials?
10:23Antennae.
10:30Mine's is on a postcard, I think.
10:31Antennae.
10:33Antennae.
10:35Antennae.
10:35Antennae.
10:39Antennae.
10:40There's another Brummie joke.
10:42I went to a fancy dress party, and the theme was spice,
10:45so I went as red pepper, and everybody else went as an astronaut.
10:51Spice.
10:52Spice.
10:56Red pepper isn't a spice, then.
10:58I couldn't think...
11:02Let yourself down there.
11:03Yeah, let yourself down, right.
11:04What shall I say?
11:06Well, cumin.
11:08I went to a fancy dress party the other day
11:12and the theme was spice, so I went and said,
11:14Cumin.
11:16And when I went to the door, I said, Cumin.
11:23This is a government's rescue of Scunthorpe Steelworks
11:27just before the plant's furnaces were shut down.
11:29Following a speech to steelworkers who had somehow kept the furnaces
11:32at their plant going, Keir Starmer received a standing ovation,
11:36mainly because they'd had to burn all the chairs.
11:39Business secretary Jonathan Reynolds has had to formally apologise
11:43after wrongly referring to himself as an ex-solicitor.
11:48You have to be accurate about these things,
11:50said former world snooker champion Rachel Reeves.
11:55Julian, here's yours.
11:57Right.
11:59Oh, blimey.
12:01Is it Geoff?
12:02Geoff Bezos, a rocket going up into the air,
12:04and it's...
12:05Katy Perry.
12:06Katy Perry kissing the ground,
12:07and there's Amazon delivering.
12:09LAUGHTER
12:11Personally.
12:12So what do you think this is, Julian?
12:13I think this is to do with the trip up in a rocket,
12:17which they were very excited about.
12:19Overexcited, some would say.
12:21Yeah, there was a lot of screaming as they were coming down
12:23Yeah.
12:24About the parachute.
12:25Yeah.
12:26But very excited.
12:27That's right, yeah.
12:28This is the news that for an all-too-brief 11 minutes,
12:31Katy Perry was blasted into space.
12:33LAUGHTER
12:36They say in space, no-one can hear you scream.
12:39Hmm.
12:40Sadly, it turns out that's not true.
12:41LAUGHTER
12:43You hear that screaming inside the capsule?
12:47It's a very soft, soft landing,
12:49despite the sporty, uh, perceptual bodies.
12:52LAUGHTER
12:53Who were the commentators?
13:00Was it one of the Kardashians?
13:03LAUGHTER
13:04What was notable about the Blue Origin space flight?
13:07Well, it's the first all-female crew
13:09to go into, technically, into outer space.
13:11Which I think's a nice idea.
13:12I'm going to get on to that, Geoff,
13:14and see if we couldn't have an all-homosexual flight.
13:17LAUGHTER
13:18Who would you have going?
13:19It'd be me.
13:20Yeah.
13:21Craig Revel Horwood.
13:22Yeah.
13:23Christopher Biggins.
13:24LAUGHTER
13:25Yeah, you can't go to space without Christopher Biggins.
13:28LAUGHTER
13:29And Alan Titchmarsh.
13:30LAUGHTER
13:31APPLAUSE
13:37I don't think Alan Titchmarsh is homosexual.
13:39He will be by the time we come down.
13:41LAUGHTER
13:42LAUGHTER
13:43What, in 11 minutes?
13:48The rocket won't be the only thing making a re-entry,
13:51I can't tell you that far.
13:53LAUGHTER
13:54Owned by billionaire Amazon owner Geoff Bezos.
13:58Bozos, I think, is my answer.
14:00LAUGHTER
14:01It was the first all-female space flight since 1963.
14:04Oh, yes.
14:05Passengers included Geoff Bezos's fiancée, Lauren Sanchez,
14:08and singer Katy Perry.
14:10They were weightless for four minutes.
14:12Let's see them.
14:13Oh, the moon!
14:14You guys!
14:15I have to tell you, look at the moon!
14:19That's amazing.
14:24Was that a butterfly?
14:25That was her set list for her forthcoming tour.
14:27Yes.
14:28She happened to take the opportunity to publicise.
14:30Yes.
14:31There was a very good report of them.
14:33They said all of them screamed,
14:35gosh, I can see the moon,
14:36and the report ended,
14:37wait till they go outside when they get home.
14:40LAUGHTER
14:42What did Gayle King, US Morning Show host and a nervous flyer,
14:48say as she emerged from the capsule after landing back on Earth?
14:51I'm so glad to be back on Earth.
14:52Yeah.
14:53Yeah.
14:54She said, I would just like to have a moment with the ground.
14:57LAUGHTER
14:58We've all been there.
15:00LAUGHTER
15:06Gayle King was quite offended afterwards
15:07that people were calling it a ride.
15:09She said, this is not a ride.
15:10You know, and Katy Perry said the same thing.
15:12She said, a ride makes it sound frivolous.
15:14This was no frivolous thing.
15:16And, you know, they're all saying that if it was male astronauts
15:18that they would have never called it a ride.
15:20It would have been a flight or a journey.
15:22And Katy Perry said, her whole life is a journey.
15:25LAUGHTER
15:26And this was just part of it.
15:27It's a journey into love.
15:28Mm.
15:29And you can see, by the way,
15:30that she holds up her set list on that butterfly.
15:33Yeah.
15:34Her upcoming tour.
15:35She's just so connected.
15:36Incredibly profound.
15:37It must be quite an experience, though,
15:39to look down, to see the planet Earth up from,
15:41you know, down that way.
15:42It must be quite something,
15:43something you'll never forget.
15:44No, I'd like to do it.
15:45Would you?
15:46I'd love to do it, yeah.
15:47If Alan's not up for it.
15:48LAUGHTER
15:52Be real, be.
15:53Yeah.
15:54LAUGHTER
15:55Shall we take a look at the rocket?
15:57Oh, there we are.
15:58Send that postcard to Alan and he'll be straight with you.
16:00LAUGHTER
16:01What did Yvonne from Flincher have to say about it
16:04on the Channel 5 phone-in show?
16:06Oh.
16:07I missed that, I don't know.
16:09No, I don't know either, no.
16:10Yvonne wasn't happy.
16:11Most upsetting thing, I think, is the shape of the rocket.
16:16Um...
16:17It was obviously phallic.
16:20Um...
16:21And I found it self-indulged and disgusting, quite honestly.
16:25Um, is that...
16:26I mean, surely they would work out the best shape for space flight, Yvonne?
16:31LAUGHTER
16:32It wouldn't be all with that thought in their head, otherwise it wouldn't work.
16:37It wouldn't fly.
16:38Um, I...
16:39I've never seen a rocket shaped like this before.
16:42LAUGHTER
16:43I mean, they're all kind of phallic to a certain extent, aren't they?
16:46This is especially phallic.
16:48LAUGHTER
16:49All the headlines referred to them as an all-female crew,
16:59but what wasn't strictly accurate about those headlines?
17:02They weren't actually running the ship.
17:05Yeah, they weren't.
17:06It was a sort of driverless rocket.
17:08It was a self-flying rocket,
17:09although Katy Perry said she'd trained for the flight
17:11by listening to an audio book of Carl Sagan's Cosmos.
17:14LAUGHTER
17:15Reading a book on string theory
17:17and was already well prepared as she was very interested in astrology.
17:21LAUGHTER
17:23I want to hear some more of this sort of thing, so have this.
17:26How do you feel?
17:27I feel super connected to love.
17:31So connected to love.
17:32I think this experience has shown me
17:35you never know how much love is inside of you,
17:38like how much love you have to give
17:41and how loved you are until the day you launch.
17:46LAUGHTER
17:49I should be the day you launch.
17:50LAUGHTER
17:51As I descended, Katy Perry sang the Louis Armstrong classic,
17:56What a Wonderful World,
17:58at which point more screaming could be heard.
18:00LAUGHTER
18:01Let's see how commentators prepared viewers
18:03for what was about to happen.
18:04LAUGHTER
18:05And Katy Perry did say that she was going to sing in space.
18:08I'm waiting for it.
18:09I'm waiting for it.
18:10I'm waiting for it.
18:11One minute warning.
18:12One minute warning.
18:13One minute warning.
18:15Do you think she thought Louis Armstrong was the first man on the list?
18:19LAUGHTER
18:21Those would have been good first words on the moon.
18:23That would have been good.
18:24I think to myself, what a wonderful world.
18:25What a wonderful world.
18:26That would have been all right, wouldn't it?
18:27Because he got it wrong, didn't he, famously, Neil Armstrong?
18:29Yeah.
18:30One small step for man is what he said.
18:31He only meant a man.
18:32He should have said a man, yeah.
18:33Yeah.
18:34This is a current affairs programme.
18:35Yeah.
18:36LAUGHTER
18:37I'm glad you're paying attention.
18:40There was quite a lot of emphasis on the outfits, wasn't there?
18:45Here they are in their jumpsuits.
18:48When I go up with Alan Titchmarsh.
18:50Yeah.
18:51LAUGHTER
18:52He's going to wear a mini skirt.
18:55Is he?
18:56LAUGHTER
18:57This is a current affairs programme.
19:02LAUGHTER
19:05There you go.
19:06It was.
19:07LAUGHTER
19:08This is the all-female trip into space on Amazon's blue Origin rocket.
19:13Lauren Sanchez described experiencing profound awe
19:16as she looked out of the window and saw the moon.
19:19Turns out they'd only gone a few feet and that was just Geoff's head.
19:23LAUGHTER
19:24Time now for round two.
19:26And with several Tories and police officers being charged
19:29with gambling offences, it's perhaps not the best time
19:32to employ the one-armed bandit of news.
19:36Fingers on buzzers, teams.
19:38BUZZER
19:40BUZZER
19:42BUZZER
19:44BUZZER
19:45Oh.
19:46LAUGHTER
19:47When I pressed the button, he wasn't wearing a beret or holding a pallet.
19:50LAUGHTER
19:51Um, right, so there's these rats that have been doing these paintings
19:54which have gone extremely well.
19:55What they do is they dip the rats in the blue paint
19:57and they walk across the canvas and somebody in New York Art Gallery
19:59has paid £12 million with this huge canvas that's rat-based.
20:02Yeah.
20:03Yeah, what do you mean, yeah?
20:04Can't be right.
20:05LAUGHTER
20:06This is the news that a group of rats in Somerset have launched
20:08their painting career.
20:09No, they haven't.
20:10They haven't launched it.
20:11Somebody else has done it.
20:13LAUGHTER
20:14You know, I don't think we can say what the rats are thinking.
20:17We can say what they're not thinking.
20:19LAUGHTER
20:20I can't afford to get to Birmingham so I might as well become an artist.
20:23LAUGHTER
20:24In Somerset.
20:25How are these artworks created by the rats?
20:28By dipping the rats in the paint and having them walking across canvas.
20:31With their tail?
20:32Yeah.
20:33Yeah.
20:34Passing through a bath of water-based paint and are then guided onto a miniature canvas.
20:37Have you done some of these paintings?
20:39Well, it's either that or giving them lessons in perspective.
20:42LAUGHTER
20:43I imagine it's just dipping them in paint and then shoving them across something.
20:46Yes.
20:47That's exactly right.
20:48Shall we have a look at the rats masterpiece?
20:49Yeah, go on then.
20:50Yes.
20:51Here we go.
20:52Oh, no, he's proud of it.
20:54Can they say he's proud?
20:55LAUGHTER
20:56Let's have a look at another.
20:58They're all Jackson bollocks.
21:00LAUGHTER
21:01That's what they're aiming for.
21:02Yeah.
21:03Yeah.
21:04Yeah.
21:05Yeah.
21:06Why are the rats doing this?
21:07Because they're made to for food.
21:08LAUGHTER
21:09Well, their owner, Steph Toogood, told the BBC she wants to shift people's opinions
21:13of rats, saying, a lot of people have come to me and said that what I do with the photos I share has changed their perception of rats. How many of those people were from Birmingham?
21:26LAUGHTER
21:38How many rats does Steph employ?
21:4048.
21:41Six.
21:42She has 16 rats, but only 12 of them paint.
21:44Oh, really?
21:45What did the other do?
21:46Sculpt?
21:47Uh...
21:48LAUGHTER
21:49What special services does Steph offer?
21:56Oh, I don't know about that.
21:57BUYERS can choose which rat they want to create their painting, but only when the number of orders is at a manageable level, which is always.
22:06LAUGHTER
22:07These are the rats in Somerset that have launched a painting career. Owner Steph Toogood says that her rats love to paint pictures, adding, if they show any sign of unwillingness, it's Bob.
22:18And then she gets out her special shovel.
22:20LAUGHTER
22:21Online shoppers can buy a piece of Miss Toogood's rat art for £35. In return, you get a unique painting, a certificate of authenticity and a nasty case of Viles disease.
22:32LAUGHTER
22:33Fingers on buzzers, teams.
22:35BUYERS
22:41Oh, well, this is the tariff trade wars.
22:43J.D. Vance, the other day, made a remarkable comment where he said,
22:47we're not on anybody's side, we're on America's side.
22:50LAUGHTER
22:51What's the J.D. stand for? Do we know? Is it Jumbo Dickhead? I've no idea.
22:54LAUGHTER
22:55Does anybody know? Do you know what it is?
22:57Jack Daniels.
22:58Jack Daniels.
22:59Jack Daniels.
23:00Yeah, there's a trade war going on at the moment.
23:02Trump doesn't know where he is, he just makes stuff up, he just says this, he says that. The Chinese are just sort of like very angry.
23:08If I had to choose who to trade with. Yeah. If I was Taiwan. Yeah. And who's to say I'm not. Yeah.
23:16LAUGHTER
23:18He's got a nice face, I like the Chinese man's face.
23:21He's got a nice face, yeah.
23:23Warm personality, do you think?
23:24Well, compared to the other one. Oh, well, yeah. Compared to Trump, yeah.
23:27I've just been reading the book about Trump's golfing habits and he just cheats openly at golf all the time.
23:33Like, what he does, he tees off and he gets in his golf cart and he'll sort of like, if his opponents hit a really good ball down the fairway, he'll play that as his own ball.
23:40Yeah, it's called the Gulf of America. Yeah.
23:42You know when...
23:43LAUGHTER
23:44He just cheats all the time.
23:49Paul will be appearing in El Salvador.
23:51Yeah.
23:52LAUGHTER
23:53It's a new musical.
23:56So, I mean, what's the tariff now on China?
23:58Is it 145?
24:00245%. Oh, wow.
24:02Do you think he knows what he's doing?
24:04Sure.
24:05LAUGHTER
24:06Have you met Trump?
24:08I have met Trump.
24:09Oh, hello.
24:10Here we go.
24:11What's he like?
24:12He was wearing his golf outfit when I first met him, when he was like, he...
24:16Was there a whiff of sulphur about him?
24:18LAUGHTER
24:19I was having a luncheon in Mar-a-Lago, as you do.
24:23Oh, yeah. Yeah.
24:24And I knew that he was arriving because I think he considers himself as a bit of a king, doesn't he?
24:31That's his palace.
24:32And so, as kings in the past have done, he requests that the music be turned up very loud when he comes in to his own house.
24:41LAUGHTER
24:42I do like the idea of music being turned up before you walk into a room.
24:45Yeah.
24:46Would you phone my husband?
24:48LAUGHTER
24:49And say, get Dusty Springfield on.
24:52LAUGHTER
24:53It's been a bad week for J.D. Vance, who's mentioned there. What's he been up to?
24:58No good.
24:59And presenting his old university, Ohio State.
25:02Oh, yes, he dropped a trophy, didn't he?
25:03Yes!
25:04Dropped a trophy, yeah.
25:05Here's how it went.
25:06LAUGHTER
25:12It's a fantastic metaphor, isn't it?
25:15Safe pair of...
25:17Oh!
25:18Which institution has Trump got a problem with?
25:22Democracy.
25:23That's right.
25:24LAUGHTER
25:25Also Harvard University.
25:26Oh, yes, Harvard University.
25:27Yes, yes.
25:28He's withdrawn their funding.
25:29That's right.
25:30Trump demanded that they abolish diversity, equality and inclusion programmes in staff hiring and admissions,
25:35or lose its tax-exempt status.
25:37But Harvard refused, so the government has now frozen Harvard's $2 billion of federal funding.
25:42Yes, I mean, he's going for the universities and he's done lawyers, he's done the press.
25:46I mean, you could argue that he's a straightforward fascist.
25:49LAUGHTER
25:50Yeah, you could.
25:51Yeah.
25:52Yeah, you could.
25:53APPLAUSE
25:54Is there some balance coming?
25:58There is!
25:59There is!
26:00He's not a straightforward fascist.
26:01Thank you very much.
26:02He's sort of devious fascist.
26:04LAUGHTER
26:05Well, he's got a great new policy proposal here.
26:08Does anyone know what that might be?
26:11Something bonkers?
26:12What is it?
26:13He's making showers great again.
26:15Oh, yes, yes.
26:16Yes.
26:17Because he said it takes a long time for him to get his beautiful hair wet.
26:19Mm.
26:20That's right.
26:21According to The Guardian, Trump is sick of low water pressure.
26:23So he's planning to reverse restrictions introduced by Obama and Biden
26:26on how much water flow can pass through a shower head.
26:29Mm.
26:30Here's what he had to say.
26:31In my case, I like to take a nice shower to take care of my beautiful hair.
26:36LAUGHTER
26:37I have to stand under the shower for 15 minutes till it gets wet.
26:40It comes out drip, drip, drip.
26:42It's ridiculous.
26:44LAUGHTER
26:45I'm really with him on that.
26:47Are you?
26:48I like a...
26:49You often don't shower with Donald Trump?
26:50I would like a shower.
26:51I would like a shower.
26:52Do you experience a drip, drip, drip sensation?
26:54I do.
26:55LAUGHTER
26:56Oh.
26:57He also...
26:58Have you heard he wants to create more daylight?
27:01Yes.
27:02What, between his ears?
27:04LAUGHTER
27:05But how...
27:06How is he going to...?
27:07So he's going to bend over more often.
27:09LAUGHTER
27:10He wants to stay on daylight, saving time all year round
27:12and scrap changing the clocks, which he calls a big inconvenience,
27:15mainly because he doesn't understand it.
27:18LAUGHTER
27:19How's Trump's education secretary and former wrestling star Linda McMahon getting on in her new role?
27:25Oh, she's doing really well because she's telling people not to be worried about A1.
27:30LAUGHTER
27:31That's right.
27:32A1 is a system which can be used to help humanity.
27:34We mustn't fear A1 because A1 has got a lot to offer us all.
27:38That's right. Here she is.
27:39And you think I'm joking, don't you?
27:42LAUGHTER
27:43Yes, take a look.
27:44There is a school system that's going to start, um, making sure that first graders or even pre-Ks
27:50have A1 teaching, you know, every year starting, you know, that far down in the grades.
27:55LAUGHTER
27:56Well, he wants to shut down Harvard.
27:58LAUGHTER
28:00Why are the others nodding along?
28:02They're just confirming their own personal view that this woman's an idiot.
28:06LAUGHTER
28:07On the subject of A1...
28:09Yes?
28:10..it's amazing what it can do.
28:12Yes.
28:13Would anyone like to see Ian and Paul as Muppets?
28:16No!
28:17LAUGHTER
28:18No!
28:19Oh, thank you!
28:20Yeah.
28:21Well...
28:22Go on, then.
28:23Here you are, Ian.
28:24LAUGHTER
28:25That's good!
28:28Oh!
28:29I like that.
28:31And, Paul, here's one of you.
28:34LAUGHTER
28:36They look so tonight, don't they?
28:38Maybe we could do this to world leaders to make them seem less threatening.
28:42Here's Xi Jinping.
28:45LAUGHTER
28:46Here's Putin.
28:48LAUGHTER
28:49He's not a bad guy.
28:51LAUGHTER
28:52And here's Trump.
28:53LAUGHTER
28:55This is another week of turmoil courtesy of Donald Trump.
29:03There are fears the trade war with America could make the Chinese president so unpopular
29:08that his approval rating could slump to 98%.
29:12Kleiner has warned that tariffs will make Trump a laughing stock.
29:16The saying goes, that ship has sailed, docked, the passengers have disembarked, they've wandered round the shops in the old town, re-boarded, everyone's called the norovirus, it's made its return voyage and docked again twice.
29:28LAUGHTER
29:29Which means, at the end of this round, it's Ian and Jemima with two, and Paul and Julian with four!
29:35APPLAUSE
29:36Time now for the odd one-out round, just one between you this week.
29:47Your four are Donald Trump, a Range Rover, a ferry in Scotland and a person weighing seven stone nine pounds in Beijing.
29:54BUZZER
29:55Donald Trump this week had his medical report issued, which claimed he weighed a certain amount and that he was a certain height.
30:02So I think this is probably something to do with size, isn't it?
30:05Yes.
30:06Is it weight? Because the Chinese government told people who weighed less than eight stone not to go out because it's really windy.
30:13Oh!
30:14LAUGHTER
30:15And then get blown away.
30:18LAUGHTER
30:19So I didn't go out.
30:21LAUGHTER
30:23That's exactly right. At the weekend, Chinese authorities warned people in the north of the country who weighed seven stone nine pounds or less,
30:30that's about 50 kilograms, to stay indoors, because strong winds meant they could be easily blown away.
30:36LAUGHTER
30:37There's a port in Scotland somewhere.
30:39Yes.
30:40Or unless the ships are getting so big, but they can't fit in.
30:44And the Range Rovers, I imagine, have sort of become...
30:47The cars are getting bigger, so they're getting heavier.
30:49So that's about size.
30:50So is she the odd one out because she's the one that couldn't go outside?
30:54They are all too big, apart from a person weighing seven stone nine pounds in Beijing, who may be too small.
31:00The ferry in Ardrossland in Scotland is too big because it can't fit in the port,
31:04and angry locals have been waiting for years for two new ferries to operate the daily service to the Isle of Arran,
31:09but they have been beset by a series of failures.
31:11According to Sky News, the new vessels cost 400 million pounds, quadruple their original price tag.
31:16One was delivered seven years late, the other is still being built,
31:20and both are too big to fit in the harbour.
31:23So it's going to cost another 80 million pounds for the jetty to be upgraded.
31:27Blimey.
31:28This was when the SNP was saying they could do infrastructure much better than the government in Westminster.
31:34And how are people having to make the journey in the meantime?
31:37Swim.
31:39According to Mail Online, the ferries are now out of Troon.
31:43How have locals in Ardrossland reacted to the news?
31:46I won't be going to Troon.
31:49I won't go to Troon.
31:51I won't go doon to Troon.
31:53That's it. No to Troon. It's too far doon.
31:58Oh.
32:00People have been complaining that new Range Rovers and other SUVs are now too big to fit into parking spaces.
32:06What's another problem that big cars create?
32:08They're very heavy, aren't they?
32:09But there are more potholes.
32:11Oh, that's right, yeah.
32:12Because there's...
32:13More roads, but heavier, yeah, absolutely.
32:15There are, thankfully, some good Samaritans around to lend a hand.
32:18Yes.
32:19Loads and loads of plants in there for you today.
32:21Absolutely fantastic.
32:23Look at that.
32:24I've got to tell you what.
32:28Oh.
32:29Who's this we have?
32:30What are you doing, mate?
32:31I'm just filling these potholes in it, Nigel, are you?
32:34But...
32:35With flowers?
32:36With flowers.
32:37I don't have the licence for tarmac, and I don't have the licence to alter the road surface,
32:40so I thought I'd make them look pretty.
32:42This is unbelievable.
32:43Do you like that, do you?
32:44Oh, he's amazing.
32:45Well, I do have one plant left, and I do have one monstrous pothole, if you'd...
32:48If you'd like to assist me.
32:50What...
32:51What do I have to do?
32:52Oh, my gosh.
32:53What would that look like if it had been planned?
32:57Er, who says Donald Trump is too big?
33:00His doctor?
33:02That's right.
33:03The President's doctor, Sean Barberbella.
33:05Yes.
33:06Trump's recent medical revealed that he is in excellent physical health, but at 16 stone
33:11and six foot three in height, he is still overweight on the BMI scale.
33:15Some have speculated that the President is fudging his height to swing the BMI scale in
33:19his favour and away from the obese category.
33:22Here he is, standing next to Prince William, who is also six foot three.
33:25Trump also took a cognitive exam.
33:30What did that reveal?
33:31Well, we shall never know, but he boasted about it on these sort of private jets to the
33:37various reporters that he took a cognitive test, but he couldn't remember what it was.
33:40Yeah, let's have a look at Trump talking about his results.
33:44Yeah.
33:45By the way, I took my cognitive exam as part of my physical exam and I got the highest mark
33:50and one of the doctors said, sir, I've never seen anybody get that kind of a...
33:54That was the highest mark.
33:56I hope you're happy with that.
33:59He has to be a winner.
34:00He can't possibly become second.
34:02He has to be the biggest, best...
34:04The best cognitive test.
34:06Absolutely.
34:07Nobody has ever done this.
34:08We've tested millions of people.
34:09Yeah.
34:10And you and absolute more and have done better than you.
34:12LAUGHTER
34:13You really are amazing.
34:14APPLAUSE
34:15Don't know how you do it.
34:17APPLAUSE
34:18Yeah.
34:19Well, let's have a look at that cognitive excellence in action.
34:24LAUGHTER
34:37Like Benny Hill, isn't it?
34:39Yes.
34:40Yes, they're all too big apart from a person weighing seven stone, nine pounds, in Beijing,
34:45who may be too small to prevent being blown away in a storm.
34:50Range Rovers are getting bigger.
34:52The Green Party's Jenny Jones stated,
34:54urban streets are simply too small to accommodate these vehicles.
34:58Fair enough, but how is Tarquin getting to school?
35:01I mean, his harp won't fit on a bus, will it?
35:04As part of his annual check-up, Donald Trump had a colonoscopy.
35:08Mm.
35:09LAUGHTER
35:10Well, they found Keir Starmer.
35:12LAUGHTER
35:13APPLAUSE
35:14A colonoscopy revealed the President had a polyp in his colon.
35:23It's currently the only thing in the entire White House that is benign.
35:27LAUGHTER
35:29Time now for the Missing Words Round,
35:31which this week features as its guest publication, Meat Management.
35:35They've got a whole section on mincing.
35:39LAUGHTER
35:41You've parked up, wasn't it?
35:43LAUGHTER
35:44Happy days.
35:45Yes.
35:46And we start with two of the highlights of the Meat Management calendar
35:51are UK Sausage Week and what?
35:53UK Sausage Month.
35:55LAUGHTER
35:56No, no, it's Savilloy Fortnight.
35:58LAUGHTER
35:59Could you make a Savilloy last a fortnight?
36:00Yeah.
36:01Not in my house.
36:02No.
36:03LAUGHTER
36:04It's the Women in Meat Awards.
36:06Oh, of course.
36:07UK Sausage Week famously contains one or two high-quality events
36:10bulked out with a lot of stuff you'd rather not know about.
36:13LAUGHTER
36:14Next, Chalcombe Lane near Bath needs what because what?
36:18Needs an adequate meat supplier, because there aren't any.
36:22LAUGHTER
36:23I'm nodding, but it's wrong.
36:25Yes.
36:26Abattoir, is it? Abattoir?
36:28Abattoir!
36:29LAUGHTER
36:30No, it needs its own toad patrol because of the number of toads that go there to mate.
36:35Oh.
36:36Has that got to do with meat?
36:37No, not all to do with a meat manufacturer.
36:39Oh, no.
36:40Now you tell me.
36:41Yeah.
36:42LAUGHTER
36:43Sossage salon.
36:44According to The Guardian, 4,000 frogs gather each year to mate near a busy main road.
36:49To be fair, it is a well-known frogging site.
36:52LAUGHTER
36:53Next, meat management columnist Norman Bagley encourages readers to persevere
36:57with his article despite it beginning with the words what?
37:01Cauliflower cheese.
37:03LAUGHTER
37:04Don't read this.
37:05I'm Norman Bagley.
37:07Yeah.
37:08LAUGHTER
37:09And I claim my five pounds.
37:11LAUGHTER
37:12No...
37:13Meat is murder.
37:14LAUGHTER
37:15The answer's actually Chris Packham.
37:17This is an article which begins Chris Packham.
37:20No, don't stop reading.
37:22According to the magazine, Norman Bagley is...
37:24Sorry, you lost me at Norman Bagley.
37:26LAUGHTER
37:27Next, a single discarded ham sandwich in the forest of Dean, what?
37:33Seeks pickled onion.
37:35LAUGHTER
37:36APPLAUSE
37:43It's actually a single discarded ham sandwich in the forest of Dean
37:46could spark a foot-and-mouth nightmare.
37:48LAUGHTER
37:49Can he get a point even though it's not right?
37:51No, you can't get a point that's not right.
37:52OK.
37:53I didn't know you got points for getting it right.
37:55LAUGHTER
37:58Have you not been to a quiz before?
38:00I thought you got a point if it was funny.
38:02Oh.
38:03We wouldn't have five points.
38:04LAUGHTER
38:06APPLAUSE
38:08Oh.
38:09Next, meat management's response to veganuary is what?
38:13Steak-tember.
38:15LAUGHTER
38:16Meat management's response to men and your veterinary is to say,
38:19look, it's all very well to people to be vegans,
38:21we applaud their choices in life,
38:23but that doesn't really suit us because we're really in the business
38:25of manufacturing and managing meat,
38:27so we'd rather that we'd concentrate on that,
38:29or we'd run out of space.
38:30LAUGHTER
38:32Yeah, that's close.
38:34Meat management's response to veganuary is...
38:38We're bored to death of the knit-your-own-yoghurt brigade,
38:42banging on about how we should go and live in a monastery
38:44and eat nuts and seeds.
38:46LAUGHTER
38:47Sorry, that was just me talking.
38:49Next, what in Market Town in Warwickshire described as vile and nauseating?
38:55Vegetarian restaurant.
38:57LAUGHTER
38:58Antiques Roadshow.
38:59Yes!
39:00LAUGHTER
39:01No, the answer is bright yellow public area.
39:05LAUGHTER
39:06Well, it sounds awful.
39:10Yeah, dreadful.
39:11Yeah.
39:12Locals now call the area painted yellow by the council custard corner.
39:16Here it is.
39:17Oh.
39:18Oh.
39:19Oh, my.
39:20Is that a lemon being squeezed in a hand on these...
39:23No, I don't think it's just the way his trousers are hanging.
39:26LAUGHTER
39:27LAUGHTER
39:32Next, at the Meat Management Awards,
39:36Al Turner was disappointed that what?
39:38Ah, that his sexual organs wouldn't fit into a BAP.
39:41LAUGHTER
39:43Two BAPs.
39:46Was disappointed that his wife came third?
39:50LAUGHTER
39:51No.
39:52That his extra-long sausage was beaten by a man from Lincolnshire.
39:55LAUGHTER
39:56By three inches.
39:57His Boudin Blanc was underrated.
40:01LAUGHTER
40:03No.
40:05Er...
40:06Er, he didn't go home with the award for Britain's Best Sausage.
40:10Oh.
40:11Well, I'm sorry for it, I feel sorry for it.
40:13Yeah.
40:14Yeah.
40:15Had he booked a special reserve seat on the train for it?
40:17LAUGHTER
40:18Possibly.
40:19Er, at sausage competitions, the sausages are lined up on a long table
40:23with the judges inspecting each one in turn.
40:26Do they taste them?
40:27I don't know.
40:28Well, they must do.
40:29What do you think they do?
40:30Well, it says inspect them.
40:31Oh, I see.
40:32They would at least lick them, I would think.
40:35LAUGHTER
40:36Now you're talking about that.
40:38LAUGHTER
40:39Finally, Swindon man with four canaries down his trousers.
40:43What?
40:44Seek similar.
40:45LAUGHTER
40:46Denies our yellow.
40:48Arrested by police by shoving four kilos of birdseed in his pants.
40:52LAUGHTER
40:53I know this one.
40:54Oh, you know this one, go on then.
40:55Going cheap.
40:56Yes!
40:57LAUGHTER
40:58There we are.
40:59There's nothing wrong with that.
41:01Finds cure for erectile dysfunction.
41:04Yeah.
41:05LAUGHTER
41:06Swindon man with four canaries down his trousers, sought by police for pet shop theft.
41:12LAUGHTER
41:13The pet shop owner said, we don't know whether they will survive being manhandled and shoved
41:18down someone's trousers.
41:20They will.
41:21LAUGHTER
41:23So, the final scores are Ian and Jemima have four and Paul and Julian have six.
41:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:33But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
41:40Well, clearly this is an identity parade.
41:43Disappointing cat fails to pick out man that kicked him up the arse.
41:47LAUGHTER
41:50Oh, you deserved more than that, didn't you?
41:52Yeah.
41:53They're tired now.
41:54Yeah.
41:55LAUGHTER
41:57On which note, we say...
41:58Oh, hang on a minute.
41:59Hang on, I was going to say...
42:00He's got one, yeah.
42:01I was just waiting for a bit of quiet.
42:03Sorry.
42:04LAUGHTER
42:05I could have said it immediately after I said my one.
42:08LAUGHTER
42:10Sorry, have you got a bus to catch?
42:13Yeah.
42:14LAUGHTER
42:15Larry the Downing Street cat finds more caring owners.
42:20LAUGHTER
42:21On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Jemima Kelly,
42:25Paul Merton and Julian Clary.
42:27And I leave you with news that, in Spalding,
42:30organisers reveal the winner of the prestigious
42:32World's Most Judgmental Haystack Competition.
42:35LAUGHTER
42:38After being ejected from an exhibition of radical modern architecture,
42:41one irate visitor threatens to take on any of the security guards
42:45if they think they're hard enough.
42:47LAUGHTER
42:48And in Moscow, there's a dangerous moment for the soldier deciding
42:52the result of the Kremlin guards sweepstake on the size
42:55of Vladimir Putin's bald spot.
42:57LAUGHTER
43:01Good night.
43:02Whoo-hoo!
43:32APPLAUSE