King Of The Hill Season 1 Episode 8 Shins Of The Father
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Hey, my dad's invitation to the party got returned.
00:09Grandpa Cotton Hill, Hell, USA?
00:13Bobby, why'd you write this?
00:16You know your grandpa lives in Houston.
00:18Mom says he's the devil.
00:20Peggy, how can you tell Bobby that?
00:23I said evil, Hank.
00:25How you get devil from that is beyond me.
00:28I don't want Grandpa at my party.
00:31The kids are already gonna hate me because you got the wrong kind of bean dip.
00:35What's wrong with the bean dip?
00:37Wait a minute. What's wrong with your grandpa?
00:40He's got big plastic teeth.
00:42He screams all the time.
00:44His legs don't work.
00:46Bobby, never make fun of your grandpa's legs.
00:50He lost his shins defending Texas in World War II.
00:56Now, son, pick up that phone and invite your granddad to your birthday party.
01:02Okay.
01:07Hi, Grandpa.
01:08Oh, Bobby, if you're gonna fake dial, you gotta hit more than three numbers.
01:15Oh, man.
01:43I've got a splinter here.
02:06Orange, you glad I didn't say banana?
02:11Huh?
02:12Huh?
02:13This party's boring.
02:16Everybody hates you.
02:18Why are you so pissed off for Piggy Hill?
02:21Oh, nothing.
02:22Just Hank's father.
02:23He's driving in for the party.
02:25Oh, Lord, that crazy Cotton Hill.
02:27I heard after Hank's mother left Cotton,
02:30he married his 16-year-old nurse.
02:33Dee Dee is 39, thank you very much.
02:35Although parts of her are much younger.
02:38Ooh, Piggy Hill.
02:40Dad, I'm dying out there.
02:46I blew up a balloon with my nose.
02:49Nothing.
02:50I did this thing.
02:52What are you talking about?
02:55What are you talking about?
02:57Nothing.
02:58Did you try burping the alphabet?
03:01That's my closer, Dad.
03:05Man, what are you talking about?
03:07What are you talking about?
03:08I tell you what, fat kid's always a funny one, man.
03:11There's a dang old John Candy, John Belushi, knife and fork dug their grave thing.
03:16Who wants a burger?
03:18Well, I'll take that steak.
03:19The hell, you say?
03:21Did you win World War II?
03:24This ribeye is for my daddy.
03:26Cotton's coming.
03:28Whoa-ho, if I was Yukon, I'd am Scray before he gets here.
03:33Yeah, if he finds out you're from Japan, you know.
03:37How many times I tell you, stupid?
03:40I'm Le-o-shun.
03:44Uh, you...
03:46Uh, me...
03:52Happy birthday, Bobby!
03:59Oh, Dad, you crazy son of a gun.
04:02You really outdid yourself this time.
04:04Well, you know me.
04:06I'm larger than life.
04:10Where are its legs?
04:15What are you looking at, Moe?
04:16A Japanese machine gun blew my shins off in WW2.
04:22So what?
04:23You like that horse, Bobby?
04:25I love it, Grandpa.
04:27Well, you can love it for four more hours.
04:30It's a riddle.
04:31All right, who wants the first ride?
04:34Me!
04:38Hey, Hank's wife.
04:40Well, how long have you been here, Cotton?
04:42I didn't notice you soon.
04:43Did it?
04:44Come on out here and gab with Hank's wife.
04:47Look at here, Hank.
04:48What you think of your mama's new ta-tas?
04:52Oh, she is not my mother.
04:54Hell, we went to kindergarten together.
04:57Hey, Hank.
04:59Do you still like...
05:00Finger painting?
05:03Everyone thinks your party's cool, Bobby.
05:06I'm having fun.
05:09Your wife divorced you.
05:11Mr. Kahn?
05:20I'll have a Mai Tai.
05:23What do you think?
05:24I work for Hank?
05:26Uh, uh, Dad, this here's my new neighbor.
05:30He's Japanese.
05:31No, he ain't.
05:33He's Laotian.
05:37Ain't you, Mr. Kahn?
05:42All right.
05:44Time to open my gift.
05:46Whoa, a super squirter.
05:51Ha, ha, super squirter.
05:54It ain't no water toy, Mr. Kahn.
05:57It's a genuine Winchester 20-gauge shotgun.
06:01You got a real gun.
06:03Oh, and now Peggy Hill has a real gun.
06:06Bobby, you are too young to own a firearm, honey.
06:09Did you see that, Hank?
06:11Tell your woman to give him back his gun.
06:13His woman?
06:15Oh, God, I am my own woman, and don't you forget.
06:19Oh, Peg, uh, that's just cowboy talk.
06:22Come on.
06:24Hey, let's go bust open that piñata.
06:27Do it, Bobby.
06:28Ooh, bash it.
06:30Bash it.
06:31Come on, Bobby.
06:32Hank, the boy can barely reach it.
06:34Now lower the piñata so he has a chance at it.
06:38Come on.
06:38Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
06:43Stop it.
06:44Kill it.
06:46Oh, bash it.
06:47Bash it.
06:55Kill it, boy.
06:58It must be made of kryptonite or something.
07:01Oh, we're crying out loud.
07:05Oh, good Lord, Cotton.
07:07You gave him a loaded shotgun?
07:09Well, you don't give a toy without batteries.
07:11Come and get your Tootsie Rolls.
07:16Oh, I'm so sorry your grandpa ruined your birthday, son.
07:21He didn't ruin it.
07:22He made it fun.
07:24Bobby, come on over here, boy.
07:29Take off them pink gloves.
07:31That's woman's work.
07:32Leave him alone.
07:34He's a good helper.
07:35Oh, whatever you say, Hillary.
07:38Cotton, I'll do the dishes.
07:44I like to.
07:45Her mission granted.
07:47Put an apron over your new bosom, too.
07:50Don't tell her, but I got them cheap.
07:53Both lefties.
07:55So, Bobby, what you gonna do with your life?
07:58I'm gonna be a prop comic.
08:00I'm working on this bit where I stick a green bean up my nose.
08:05Well, now, that sounds promising.
08:07Hank, Bobby and me have decided he's gonna stick vegetables up his nose.
08:13He's not gonna take over the family gas station.
08:16Dad, I don't work at a gas station.
08:19I sell propane and propane accessories.
08:22Don't sap me, boy.
08:23You ain't too big for me to give you a licking.
08:26Oh, Dad, you old skunk.
08:30Come on, grease monkey.
08:31Let's tangle.
08:34All right, Connie.
08:35Now you are breaking my good dishes.
08:37It's time for you to leave.
08:39Oh, come on.
08:41I will fix you a to-go plate.
08:45Don't worry about the horse.
08:47If it comes back, we'll call the rental place.
08:53Damn.
08:54Won't start.
08:55I guess I'm not going anywhere.
08:58Oh, no, no, no.
08:59Just pop the hood.
09:00Hank can fix it in a minute.
09:02Hmm, don't bother, Uncle Hank.
09:04I can't hear the solenoid plunger.
09:06You're gonna need a new one.
09:08Thanks a lot, girly.
09:10But the truth is, you're a girl.
09:14Hank, we'll have to wait till your gas station opens up in the morning.
09:17I guess I'm staying over.
09:19I wish you could, but we are all out of beds.
09:22I don't need a bed.
09:23I can sleep in a drawer after what they did to me overseas.
09:28I could sleep on the couch, Mom.
09:31Well, that'll be just fine.
09:33Excuse me for just a second.
09:35I do not want that ill-mannered, foul-mouthed old man to spend another moment in my house.
09:41Oh, you just don't understand him, Peg.
09:44See, he's a big, flamboyant character like a peacock.
09:49That's why men love him.
09:50But women don't like his style because you all are like the pea hen.
09:56More subdued and drab.
09:58You just cannot see your father for who he is.
10:04Well, Bobby and I both want him to stay.
10:07So that means you're outvoted.
10:09Oh, yeah?
10:10Well, Luanne hates him, too.
10:11That means we're even.
10:13Well, Jesus loves him, so I win.
10:16Well, what does that have to do with...
10:18Hey, Dad, we'd love it if you stayed.
10:21Well, all righty.
10:23Diddy, we're bunking here tonight.
10:28Mr. Khan, my bag!
10:36What do you say I drive you to school today, Bobby?
10:39Hey, you fixed my car yet?
10:42I just woke up.
10:44Just w...
10:44It's 7 a.m.
10:46If you were in the army, you could have dug 10 graves by now.
10:50I hope you're all hungry.
10:52Good-looking breakfast, Peg.
10:55Yeah, I see bacon.
10:57I see ham.
10:59I see steak!
11:01Sausage!
11:02Where's my sausage?
11:04There's no sausage!
11:05Well, Cotton, you are welcome to march yourself down to the safeway.
11:11But I have to get ready for work.
11:14See, Bobby?
11:15Woman works.
11:16Man loses his sausage.
11:18You know, Cotton, I'd love to debate this with you, but I am just a little too busy living here in the latter half of the 20th century.
11:27Hey, Dad, if you want to drive Bobby to school, use my truck.
11:32I'll go rig up your pedal extenders.
11:34You're all skin and bones, girly.
11:39Put some corn-pone on them heads.
11:42I don't want any Grandpa Hell.
11:44Don't want to get fat.
11:46That's not for you to worry about.
11:48You will never know if you are attractive.
11:51It's up to a man to tell you that.
11:53You keep eating, and I'll tell you when to stop.
11:56Touch me again, and you'll be wearing that corn-pone, old man.
12:01Pewdie!
12:03Fiesty!
12:08You sure it's okay for me to be out of school today, Grandpa?
12:12Oh, yeah, it's a holiday, isn't it?
12:15It's Angie Dickinson's birthday.
12:18Now, why don't you order us some food?
12:21Really?
12:22Dad never lets me order.
12:24Yeah, well, you went with your daddy today.
12:27Go to it.
12:31Excuse me, ma'am.
12:34Uh, ma'am?
12:36Oh, good, sweet.
12:38You'll never get no service that way.
12:41You gotta get her in the moneymaker.
12:44Hey, Missy, how about some sandwiches?
12:48Ha ha ha!
12:51Ha ha ha!
12:52Ha ha ha!
12:54Well, that's the dangdest thing.
12:57I never heard of a solenoid just disappearing before.
13:01I don't know.
13:03Sometimes things just disappear for no logical reason.
13:07One day my cousin woke up, his kidney was gone.
13:12At the same time, 500 miles away,
13:16a woman in Phoenix contracted diabetes.
13:21I fixed it, Uncle Hank.
13:27Oh, she purses like dang old kitten.
13:31Yep, my dad sure knows how to take care of his cars.
13:35When I was a baby, he had my mama make me a chamois jumpsuit,
13:41and I used to crawl around on the hood and buff it till it shined like Christmas.
13:46You're dead, I swear.
13:49How about when he took us down to the Hotel Arlen?
13:54Oh, yeah.
13:55Remember that, Hank?
13:56Hank, you won the big game.
14:05So, I'm buying you and your friends hookers.
14:10Now, go on, boys, pick yourself out a light one.
14:13Hey there, Mr. Quarterback.
14:15Oh, not every dad would do something like that to his son.
14:23I mean, for his son.
14:28Well, how's it coming with the car, grease monkey?
14:31That's real funny, Peg.
14:33Look what I found.
14:35Wait, that's a solenoid.
14:38Where'd you find that?
14:39In Cotton's room,
14:41wrapped in his little bitty pants under a big pile of lice.
14:45Damn it, I killed a whole day fixing that car.
14:49I don't understand.
14:50Oh, Hank, what is to understand?
14:52Your father disfigured his own automobile
14:55just so he could stay here and drive me crazy.
14:59Oh, Peggy, the poor guy just wants to spend time with us.
15:03And you've made it so hard for him, he's afraid to ask.
15:07You're right.
15:08It's my fault.
15:09Why, oh, why didn't I serve that poor man his sausage?
15:13What's the point in arguing?
15:15The car is fixed now.
15:17He'll be out of here tonight.
15:19Aunt Peg,
15:20I found this timing belt in the laundry.
15:23You want me to wash it with the darks?
15:27Good morning, angels.
15:29Do I have an assignment for you?
15:32Good morning, Charlie.
15:33Ah, damn.
15:36It's a silly hack.
15:38That's like getting a shimp.
15:41What in the hell is going on here?
15:44Where are your pants?
15:46We were hot.
15:47Take them off.
15:48A man doesn't have to wear pants around the house if he doesn't want to.
15:52Yeah, what you got them blue jeans on for, Hank?
15:55Let's go take them off.
15:57I don't want to take them off.
15:59Bobby, take your daddy's pants off.
16:03Okie dokie, Cotton.
16:04Hank fixed your car.
16:05I guess you'll be wanting to head back right about now.
16:09Well, um, maybe we should think about getting back.
16:15Huh, honey?
16:15What did you say?
16:17What did you say?
16:22Ok, uh, now, what did you say, baby Cakes?
16:25We can leave.
16:27Hank fixed the car.
16:30Actually, Luanne fixed it.
16:32Oh, that's a good one, Hank's wife.
16:38A woman fixing a car.
16:41That's like a pig trying to read.
16:44Pig?
16:45Yeah.
16:47Well, I guess you can go home now, Dad.
16:51Nah, I don't think so.
16:53We're gonna stick around a few more days.
16:57Supper time, Colonel.
16:59You forgot my beer.
17:03Come on.
17:04Get me my beer, woman.
17:05Mom, I'll take my dinner in here, too.
17:10Bobby, you will not.
17:12We eat our dinner in the kitchen.
17:14Boy wants his dinner in here.
17:16Well, we eat in the kitchen.
17:19Here.
17:19Kitchen.
17:20Here.
17:20Kitchen.
17:21Here.
17:21Hank, for God's sake, I need a little support here.
17:24Well, Peggy, uh, it might be nice for a change to have dinner in front of, uh, the TV.
17:35Well, go on, woman.
17:37Get me my dinner.
17:38Oh!
17:39I don't know where you got the idea you could slap your mothers behind.
17:47I'll tell you where he got the idea.
17:50Your father.
17:51And it's all your fault for not nipping it in the bud.
17:54What do you want me to do?
17:55I can't change my father.
17:57Well, he certainly won't listen to me now, will he?
18:00You're both men.
18:02You're both peacocks, remember?
18:04What, are you turning into some kind of feminist?
18:07I am not a feminist, Hank.
18:10I am Peggy Hill, a citizen of the Republic of Texas.
18:15I work hard, I sweat hard, and I love hard.
18:19And I gotta smell good and look pretty while I'm doing it.
18:22So I comb my hair, I reapply lipstick 30 times a day, I do your dishes, I wash your clothes, and I clean the house.
18:31Not because I have to, Hank, but because of a mutual unspoken agreement that I have never brought up because I am too much of a lady.
18:4030 times a day?
18:44Yeah, I kinda like it here.
18:46What kind of work can a guy get in this town?
18:48Uh, are you allergic to asbestos?
18:53Hell no.
18:54Hey, Dad.
18:55Hey, if it ain't the old grease monkey.
18:58All right, Dad.
18:59I need to talk to you about some of the things you've been telling Bobby.
19:04I've been telling Bobby a lot of things.
19:06For example, I told him how I lost my shins defending our country.
19:11You wanna hear that story, fatty?
19:13Sir, yes, sir.
19:15Bill, I'm trying to talk to my...
19:17I was 14.
19:17Just a little older than Bobby.
19:20But I knew Uncle Sam needed me.
19:23So I lied and signed up.
19:27And we had beaten the Nazis in Italy.
19:30And they shipped us to the Pacific Theater.
19:33A Tojo torpedo.
19:35Then our troops shipped to the bottom.
19:38I could only save three of my buddies.
19:41Fatty,
19:42Stinky,
19:43and Brooklyn.
19:44They were kind of like you fellas.
19:46Only one of them was from Brooklyn.
19:49Out of the sun
19:49came a Tojo Zero
19:51and put 50 bullets in my back.
19:54The blood attracted sharks.
19:57I had to give them fatty.
20:02Then things took a turn for the worse.
20:04I made it to an island.
20:06But it was full of Tojos.
20:08They were spitting on the U.S. flag.
20:12So I rushed them.
20:14But it was a trap.
20:15They opened fire and blew my shins up.
20:20Last thing I remember,
20:22I beat them all to death with a big piece of batting.
20:27I woke up in a field hospital
20:29and they were sewing my feet to my knees.
20:34Now,
20:36what was it you wanted to talk to me about, Hank?
20:40Oh,
20:41well,
20:44nothing, I guess.
20:46You've had enough cake, Connie.
20:56What are you doing?
20:58A man's got to tell a woman when to stop eating.
21:02You're looking kind of chunky.
21:06She's moody.
21:07Must be PBS.
21:08Yes.
21:12Let's go.
21:13I got to see a man about a horse.
21:17Bobby,
21:18don't forget to bust your tray.
21:20That's woman's work.
21:22Ain't that right, fellas?
21:25Where is work?
21:27Women's work.
21:29Women's work.
21:30Women's work.
21:32Women's work.
21:34Women's work.
21:35Women's work.
21:37Women's work.
21:38Women's work.
21:40Well,
21:41she's got a point,
21:43but he's a war hero.
21:46She's my wife,
21:49but he's got no shins.
21:52Uh,
21:53I'm just trying to get a little propane here.
21:58Strickland Propane.
22:00Bobby was sent home from school
22:02for starting a sexist riot today.
22:04What?
22:05I'm coming home right now.
22:07Well,
22:08you're just a little too late
22:09because the devil took Bobby off
22:12to the Hotel Arlen.
22:13Hotel Arlen?
22:23Bobby,
22:24I'm proud of you
22:26for what you did at school today.
22:28So I'm buying you a hooker.
22:31Go ahead,
22:31pick yourself out a live one.
22:33A live one what?
22:36Hey,
22:37cutie,
22:37you got papers?
22:44Bobby,
22:45get over here now.
22:47But Grandpa said I...
22:49Bobby,
22:49you heard your mother.
22:50Get over there.
22:51What are you saying,
22:54Hank?
22:54Are you siding with your woman?
22:57Look at me,
22:58son.
22:59Look at my shins.
23:02Look,
23:02Dad,
23:03I'm sorry about
23:04fatty and your shins,
23:06but I'm not a kid anymore.
23:09Bobby is my boy,
23:11and I won't let him grow up
23:12to be a woman
23:13hating old fool.
23:15No wonder Mom left you.
23:17She was a strong lady,
23:19classy and smart like Peg.
23:22Maybe you couldn't handle that,
23:24but I can.
23:25My marriage is a partnership
23:27of equals.
23:29Peggy might do all the housework,
23:31but there are a lot of other things
23:33that I'm supposed to do,
23:35but I'm not going to say what they are
23:37because I'm a gentleman.
23:39Oh,
23:40I get it.
23:41She's making you say this.
23:43You're just her puppet.
23:45No, Dad,
23:46I'm saying all this
23:47because I mean it.
23:49Now,
23:49Dee Dee's out in the car.
23:50I had her pack up.
23:51It's time for you to head home.
23:55Well,
23:56I never thought I'd see the day
23:59when my own son would
24:01stop loving me.
24:11It's about time.
24:14Love for sissies.
24:16Ain't that right,
24:17you house full of hookers?
24:22All right,
24:23hookers,
24:23vision up.
24:24I'll be back next year,
24:26so don't be
24:27jacking up your prices.
24:29I'll be staying over
24:31to Hank Hill's home.
24:35Bobby,
24:36you gotta try
24:37and forget all that
24:38gobbledygook
24:39your grandpa told you.
24:41You listen to your mother.
24:42She knows best.
24:44But she's a woman.
24:45How could she know
24:46better than Grandpa?
24:47Well,
24:48because she's a lot
24:49smarter than him,
24:50for one.
24:52Your mother's probably
24:53got a better head
24:54on her shoulders
24:55than anybody in Ireland.
24:56Better than Bill
24:58or Dale
24:59or Boomhauer?
25:01Geez,
25:01Bobby,
25:02why not compare
25:03to a baboon
25:04in the zoo?
25:05But I thought
25:06they were
25:06your best friends.
25:08Peggy's
25:09my best friend,
25:10son.
25:11Mom?
25:12That's right.
25:13And when you're older,
25:14I hope you're lucky enough
25:16to find a girl
25:16to be best friends
25:18with, too.
25:19You think
25:20that'll really
25:20happen to me?
25:22Well,
25:22it won't
25:22if you keep
25:23slapping them
25:24in the butt
25:24and ordering them around.
25:26You'll do okay.
25:27You just have to
25:28remember one thing.
25:30Women were not
25:31put on this earth
25:32to serve you and me.
25:34Now,
25:35what do you say
25:36we get an ice cream?