King Of The Hill Season 1 Episode 4 Hank's Got The Willies
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00:00What do you say we tee off together, Hank?
00:11Sure thing, Willie.
00:22Dead solid perfect.
00:30You know, Hank, I've always wanted to sell propane and propane accessories like you do.
00:41I guess this dang music thing came up.
00:44Well, ain't no change in the past, I guess.
00:47Let's jam.
00:47What in the name of God?
01:15Bobby!
01:16Bobby!
01:17Uh-oh.
01:18Uh-oh.
01:19Uh-oh.
01:21Uh-oh.
01:22Uh-oh.
01:23Uh-oh.
01:23Uh-oh.
01:25Uh-oh.
01:26Uh-oh.
01:29Uh-oh.
01:30Uh-oh.
01:32Uh-oh.
01:33Son, have you lost your mind?
01:58Aren't you supposed to knock first?
02:00I could have been naked.
02:01Bobby, how many times have I told you?
02:04Betsy is not a toy.
02:07She's a 1963 Gild Solid Top...
02:11What's that smell?
02:15You been playing this with your feet?
02:17That's cheese, Dad.
02:20Why would there ever be cheese on Betsy?
02:24It's funny.
02:26It's a comedy routine.
02:27You know, you play the guitar with a piece of cheese
02:30and you go,
02:31Hey, look at me.
02:32I'm Eddie Cheddar.
02:36You know, it's from Celery Head.
02:39What is a Celery Head?
02:42He's the world's best comedian.
02:44He glues things.
02:46Like he glues a Kleenex box to a tennis shoe
02:48and goes,
02:49This is in case you have a runny nose.
02:54That's not a joke, son.
02:56That's a waste of good glue.
02:59Well, he makes three million dollars a year.
03:02You must have got that wrong.
03:05People don't pay money to see things like that.
03:09Now, Robert Klein, that's something you pay money for.
03:12What is going on in there?
03:16Peggy, I'm worried about our boy.
03:18Some green-haired freak told him to rub cheese on my guitar.
03:23Oh, you mean Celery Head.
03:26I saw him on entertainment tonight.
03:29He makes three million dollars a year.
03:34Luanne, good Lord, put on some pants.
03:37I'm wearing shorts.
03:40Don't scare me like that.
03:45Look at this, Peggy.
03:46The boy chipped Betsy's bridge.
03:49And he woke me up from my Willie Nelson golfing dream number three.
03:53Hank, calm down.
03:55It is just a bunch of wood and some wires.
03:57Wood and wires?
03:59I've had Betsy since high school.
04:02I took her to the prom.
04:03I love this guitar.
04:05Do you understand what I'm saying?
04:08Do you understand what love means?
04:11Yes.
04:11I love my family.
04:13Yeah, now you're getting it.
04:15That's the kind of love I have for Betsy.
04:19I'm going back to sleep.
04:21You coming?
04:22I'm already up.
04:23Besides, I wouldn't want to make Betsy jealous.
04:27Luanne, would you please not sit like that?
04:31I sell propane and propane accessories.
04:37I tell you what.
04:39Shut up, Dale.
04:43Oh, Willie, no.
04:49That's a one-way street.
04:52Crash, Bobby.
04:53What happened to my truck?
04:55Your mower hit it.
04:56Well, maybe I ought to send my mower to one of those children's psychologists.
05:04Are you mad about something, Aunt Peggy?
05:07Mad?
05:08Why would I be mad?
05:09Just because Hank pays more attention to that silly guitar than he does to me.
05:17Lay off the gas, Aunt Peg.
05:19If I break another nail, I'll fill my manicure funnel.
05:22Are you having trouble at the beauty academy, Luanne?
05:25No.
05:27I'm also failing braid work.
05:30Braid work does not come natural to the women in our family, honey.
05:34You know it, I know it, and the whole town knows it.
05:38Sounds like your horn's gone off.
05:41You really think so, Bill?
05:43Oh, yeah.
05:46Dammit, Hank, you know I can't have loud sudden noises while I'm meditating.
05:51I was a nose hair away from attaining inner peace.
05:58Don't even try to take credit for that.
06:02It was not done by me.
06:04It was done through me.
06:08What is that chinging noise?
06:12One of those stealth helicopters with computerized noise cancellation capability.
06:18They're still working the chings out.
06:22Well, how'd you know about stealth helicopters?
06:25Alt.conspiracy.black.helicopters.
06:29Yeah, man, I'll tell you what, that dang old internet, man.
06:32You just go on there, point and click, get in there, talk about www.w.com, you got that naked chicks on there, man.
06:39You go click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click.
06:41It's real easy, man.
06:46Bobby, give me that club.
06:49Son, maybe I'm not getting through to you.
06:52Let me explain.
06:53You got to respect other people's things.
06:57You do not use a man's pitching wedge to hit clumps of mud.
07:02It's not mud, Dad.
07:04It's dog dude.
07:07Boy ain't right.
07:10Oh, yeah.
07:11Excellent workout.
07:12I got my rotator cuff rotating.
07:14My face feels weird.
07:17Carlos!
07:19Carlos?
07:20You name your things, I'll name mine.
07:22Well, what about that thing named Bobby?
07:25What are we gonna do about him?
07:27He seems bent on destroying everything I own.
07:31Why can't he turn that energy into something useful?
07:35Like that boy with no legs who ran across Canada.
07:39Maybe you need to spend some time together.
07:41You know, just talking.
07:43You and Bobby.
07:44Mano a mano.
07:46Well, I can't now.
07:47I'm going golfing.
07:48Well, take him with you.
07:50Peg, we're riding a full 18 holes today.
07:53You know what that kind of stress can do to a boy?
07:56Bobby, I apologize for yelling at you, but sometimes you just don't listen.
08:06It's like you got a problem with concentration.
08:12Bobby?
08:14Bobby?
08:15Bobby?
08:16Hey, you just killed me.
08:20Well, you needed killing.
08:22You know, I've been thinking, son, and I realized you don't have any goals.
08:29You gotta figure out what you wanna do with your life.
08:32Okay, can we go to Six Flags?
08:36I think you need a role model, Bobby.
08:40Someone to emulate.
08:43A hero.
08:44Someone besides that broccoli neck.
08:47How about Eddie Stilson?
08:50Can I emulate him?
08:52Now there you go.
08:54Eddie Stilson.
08:56Which one's he?
08:57Is he the space shuttle astronaut or the stock car champ?
09:00He got to the end of level six and screamed ninja.
09:04Bobby, when I say hero, I don't mean some weird Game Boy freak.
09:11If you don't watch it, you're gonna end up like Jason Adderley's boy.
09:16Deal me out this hand, Jason.
09:19I'm about to bust.
09:21Oh, I'm sorry.
09:22I thought this was the bathroom.
09:24Oh, good lord.
09:25You know Howard Adderley?
09:31He's my number two hero after Eddie Stilson.
09:35Bobby, you need to be lectured all afternoon.
09:39Peggy, I'm taking the boy golfing and that's that.
09:42Careful now, Peggy.
09:53Betsy isn't strapped in yet.
09:56Oh, do not tell me you are taking that thing golfing with you now.
10:00Don't be silly, Peg.
10:02Just bringing her in to get fixed.
10:04Sit in the middle, son.
10:06I want to make sure Betsy's in front of the airbag.
10:08So, Bobby, we got to think of a hero for you.
10:14Do you have a hero, Dad?
10:16I sure do.
10:18And it's Willie Nelson.
10:20How come?
10:21Well, you might say he's been my inspiration.
10:26See, Willie grew up in Texas, and I grew up in Texas.
10:30He loves golfing and playing guitar.
10:34I love golfing and playing guitar.
10:36He's had trouble with the IRS, and I must have spent six hours last April on that 1040 form.
10:46Easy, my ass.
10:49Do you have a hero like that?
10:52Uh, Willie Nelson?
10:56You're just saying Willie Nelson because I said Willie Nelson.
11:01No, I like Willie Nelson.
11:03He's got long hair.
11:05He's alternative.
11:07Now, you take that back.
11:09I followed that man from country western to country to adult contemporary, and that's as far as I'm going.
11:18Here, son.
11:19Take a look at that.
11:21That's Willie Nelson's own personal golf course.
11:25I am going to show that braiding machine who's boss Aunt Peggy.
11:34Go on the wind.
11:35Show this town there's a braider in the family.
11:40I'm not scared of you.
11:41This time, I'm going to beat you at your own game.
11:44Miss Cremsor!
11:56Someone!
11:59It's the bridge, isn't it?
12:01Well, bridge is the symptom.
12:03Fred is symmetry is the disease.
12:08Smells like a belly button.
12:10Yeah, my son was playing it with a piece of cheese.
12:14You mean like Celery Head?
12:17Look, I'm Camembert Humperdinck.
12:20Les, go in the back and alphabetize the guitar strings.
12:26Alphabetize by letter?
12:28Or...
12:28Les.
12:29Okay.
12:30All right.
12:31Cheese or not, this is a sweet, sweet guitar.
12:34Is she for sale?
12:35Not hardly.
12:37Just fix the bridge, Earl.
12:38Oh, didn't think so.
12:41Most guys would sell their wives before they'd sell a guitar like this.
12:47I've got to remember that one.
12:50Oh, heck, I've got a million of them.
12:52Like, women are a lot like a guitar.
12:55They both come with strings attached.
13:01Oh.
13:02Actually, I guess those are the only two.
13:05Most women will be threatened by Betsy.
13:07But not me, I don't care.
13:08And I would like to see that guitar come home and chicken fry a steak after substitute teaching all day.
13:15Ow.
13:15Well, thank you, Mrs. Hellman.
13:27Santa Claus!
13:29What are you talking about?
13:31Santa Claus!
13:32He could be the boy's hero.
13:34In one 24-hour period, he delivers toys and joy to every child on Earth.
13:39Santa Claus is for babies.
13:42You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.
13:51Damn Russian titanium, my lord.
13:54Huh.
14:12Huh.
14:13Maybe it's just first hole jitters.
14:16You got any tips, Boomhauer?
14:18Yeah, man, I'll tell you what you do, man.
14:20You just keep that dang old arm straight, man.
14:22Y'all put your left hand still, man.
14:24Just speed it the hell up.
14:26Let's roll.
14:28Come on, Bobby.
14:34Oh, man.
14:36I'm out of cigarettes.
14:38Dang old get y'all that hit the...
14:40Four!
14:41Mr. Gribble, who's your all-time hero?
14:46You are, if you get me some smokes.
14:49So the stripper says to the priest,
14:53Bill, the boy,
14:54she says,
14:57I decided to repent and become a nun.
15:03And I don't know, man.
15:07Tell you what, man.
15:08That's pretty funny.
15:09Hey, Dad, watch this.
15:11No, no, son, don't.
15:16All right, Bobby.
15:18Woo!
15:18Well, I'll be.
15:20Son, you just might be the next Lee Trevino
15:23without the crazy accent.
15:27Tell you what,
15:27I'm gonna let you tee off on this hole.
15:30Okay.
15:34That's okay, Bobby.
15:35You can do it.
15:36Just choke up on it
15:37and swing less like a girl.
15:44Ow!
15:46Oh!
15:47Oh!
15:47Can I get a do-over?
15:49Bobby!
15:50Hop in!
15:51Hank!
15:52Dispose of the witnesses.
15:55Dale!
15:55Come back here!
15:59Oh!
16:00Willie Nelson!
16:03Check his pockets for cigarettes.
16:05Willie Nelson!
16:11Oh, my Lord, are you okay?
16:13Am I bleeding from the ears?
16:15No.
16:16Then I must be okay, then.
16:20Oh, Mr. Nelson,
16:21I am so sorry.
16:24My boy's new to golf,
16:25and, oh gosh, I'm your biggest fan.
16:29I go to every concert I can.
16:32I've been to every farm aid except one.
16:35I don't much care for that Brian Adams.
16:38Damn, I wish I had my guitar here with me for you to sign.
16:42Uh, here.
16:44Why don't you make it out to, uh,
16:46let's say,
16:47to my best friend.
16:50No, no, I don't want you to lie.
16:52To my good friend,
16:55uh,
16:55hmm,
16:57to my number one fan,
16:59Hank Hill.
17:01Uh,
17:01hey, hey, Willie.
17:03You know, I play guitar, too.
17:06I also play golf,
17:07but you already know that.
17:09Uh,
17:10but you probably don't know
17:12you're, uh,
17:14you're my hero.
17:16He took our cart.
17:18Was he bleeding from the ears?
17:20No.
17:21Well,
17:21he must be okay, then.
17:22You don't understand, Peg.
17:25A man only gets a chance
17:26to meet Willie Nelson
17:28once in his life.
17:30It's supposed to be special.
17:32We meet on the golf course.
17:34He compliments
17:35my perfect swing.
17:37We start talking about music,
17:40cut an album,
17:41go on tour,
17:43open a chicken franchise.
17:46How's that gonna happen now?
17:49It's my fault forever
17:50taking the boy with me.
17:52I said I was sorry.
17:55Um,
17:56are you Hank Hill?
17:58Uh,
17:59yes.
18:01I'm tired of being lack of focus.
18:04I'm gonna show them
18:05I can do better.
18:06I'm gonna make my dad proud.
18:11I'm gonna not tell dad about that.
18:14Sometimes I can do better.
18:25Hey, is that Ben Crenshaw Turbo Golf?
18:46Yeah.
18:47I can never get it past the bunker on the third hole.
18:50Try letting it go just below the mark on your drive.
18:55Hey, I know you. You're the kid that rakes my lawn.
18:58No, I'm the kid who hit you in the head.
19:01With a rake?
19:01No, with a golf club.
19:03You've been raking my yard with a golf club? I want my quarterback.
19:10Hill residence?
19:11Dad, guess where I am?
19:14I don't know. Let's see. Crushing Dwight Yoakam's voice box with my five iron?
19:19I'm at Willie Nelson's, and he wants you to come over.
19:23Son, you're teasing the gorilla in the monkey house.
19:27Willie Nelson here. Practically blind in one eye now, but I got your son here.
19:32Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Nelson. Bobby's never stalked anyone before, and he's not very good at it.
19:39I mean, well, he shouldn't be stalking anybody. I'll come get him right away.
19:44Bobby? Bobby? Outta my way, rooster boy.
20:03Betsy?
20:11What the...
20:12Hey, Dad!
20:14Hey, Hank. Bobby's been telling me all about you.
20:17I hear you're a guitar player, and that you got a narrow urethra.
20:22Bobby?
20:23Yeah, he had me autograph your guitar.
20:25You signed my guitar?
20:27To my number one fan, Willie Nelson.
20:30The fox chases the rabbit around the tree trunk and into the house.
20:37I was so close.
20:41Hill residence.
20:43Peggy, you'll never guess. I'm at Willie Nelson's house.
20:46He says we're all invited to his barbecue.
20:49Gee, I'd love to come, Hank, but Ann Richards and I are doing our toenails.
20:53I don't think so, Peggy. I'm looking at Ann Richards right now, and she's playing tetherball with one of my roadies.
21:00See? That was him.
21:01Oh, my Lord. What do I wear?
21:05It doesn't matter, Peg. Wear any old thing.
21:08Oh, just don't forget to bring Betsy's orange woven shoulder strap.
21:14Betsy sure is a beaut, Hank. I think Trigger's getting jealous.
21:17Why, thank you, Willie. It sure means a lot coming from you.
21:22You know what they say.
21:25I'd sell my wife before I'd sell my guitar.
21:32I'll tell you what, man.
21:33You did that dang old Mr. Tambourine man talk about did come play a song for me.
21:39You know, then you change your name Zimmerman, y'all born again.
21:43Well, a whole bunch of kids are coming around, like Mad Dog and Denim going platinum.
21:50Who knows, accounting firms and that dang old boomer.
21:55Uh, ma'am, you're going to want to angle that glass.
22:00Uh-uh, you're blowing it.
22:03You're going to get nothing but foam.
22:06Mm-hmm.
22:11Yep.
22:12You know, Mr. Hopper, I just loved you in that movie.
22:15You know, the one where you played a mad villain.
22:18Come on, Peggy, you wild thing.
22:21Let's drive straight down to Mexico, huh?
22:24Come on, right this minute.
22:26Mexico.
22:27I wonder what a wife goes for down there, huh?
22:30One guitar, two guitars.
22:33I will have to ask Hank.
22:37Los mariachis, so diablos.
22:40He's not treating you right, Peggy.
22:43A delicate flower like you.
22:45You want me to kick his ass?
22:48Oh, you are so sweet to offer, Dennis.
22:51But Hank would flatten you out like a bug.
22:55No, this is something Peggy Hill has to handle on her own.
23:00Oh, yeah.
23:00Ha-ha, you go, girl.
23:08That's some boy you got there, Hank.
23:13Well, it's nice of you to say that, Willie.
23:16But Bobby's got no direction in life.
23:19No heroes.
23:20When I was his age, I worshipped you.
23:24Uh, and Jesus, of course.
23:27Ever think you were too tough on the boy?
23:29Oh, I don't know.
23:31Just today, he chipped Betsy's bridge, ran into my truck with the mower, dinged up my favorite
23:37wedge, and then dinged you up worse.
23:40Well, now, hold on there, Hank.
23:42You think about it.
23:43Bobby wants to play your guitar, ride your mower, and swing your golf club.
23:49I believe that kid does have a hero, and his name is Hank Hall.
23:54Uh, Hill.
23:56Uh, yeah, right.
23:58Bobby?
24:00Bobby?
24:02Bobby!
24:03What?
24:03I just want to, uh, thank you for helping me meet my hero and having him sign my guitar.
24:12I helped him put ointment in his eye.
24:15Now, I'm going to show you something you can do with a guitar that doesn't involve cheese.
24:22This is a song I wrote a long time ago.
24:26Well, I know a gal with a purgy leg.
24:35She's a gal who can fry my egg.
24:39And her name is Peg.
24:43Eee.
24:45Well, Peggy, Peg.
24:48Peggy, Peg.
24:49He-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-leg-o-peggy.
24:53My peg-a-leg-o-peg.
24:57Well, I love you, and I love you, Peggy, Peg.
25:02Well, uh, then it just sort of goes off into a Buddy Holly riff.
25:08Aw, Hank.
25:10Peggy, uh, oh, huh.
25:12I didn't realize you were there.
25:15Here, Bobby, go practice.
25:16Are you sure it's okay for me?
25:19Yeah.
25:19You know, I was headed over here to knock you six ways from Sunday with that guitar.
25:24Then I get here, and you're playing that old song of yours, and...
25:28Well...
25:30I love you, propane man.
25:33You braided that perfectly, man.
25:44But next time, lighten up a little on the glitter spray.
25:46What's that, uh, board you hit on, uh...
26:03Just gotta hold it just a little longer before you go to death.
26:13Now?
26:14Oh, that's a good spot here.
26:18Let's do it again.
26:21There you go...
26:33There you go...
26:33I got a heart.
26:33I got a heart.
26:35I got a heart.
26:35I got a heart.
26:37I got a heart.
26:37Let me know what I got.
26:39They're okay.
26:40I got a heart.
26:40I got a heart.
26:42I got a heart.