King Of The Hill Season 1 Episode 3 Order Of The Straight Arrow
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00:00For old time's sake?
00:01Well, of course I'll go.
00:04I'll never miss an Order of the Straight Arrow.
00:08Not since ours.
00:09Yeah, ours was something special.
00:13Now for the final test.
00:16The Sni-Punt.
00:17Not gonna sugarcoat it.
00:19Some of you ain't coming back.
00:22Those who survive will be honored members
00:24of the Order of the Straight Arrow.
00:27All right, those who don't will be dead.
00:31Question.
00:33Are you ready?
00:34Yeah.
00:38You flunked the test of silence, Eustace.
00:42Give me a silent stick.
00:46For the rest of your long, miserable life,
00:49you will carry the scar of failure.
00:51Now go get me a beer.
00:52And you boys get out there
00:57and bag some Snipe!
00:59Ah!
01:00Ow!
01:01Ah!
01:05Snipe!
01:06Shut up, Dale.
01:07There is no Snipe.
01:08I heard my dad talking to your dad.
01:10So what are we doing out here?
01:12We're gonna get snackered.
01:14I tell you what, boy, man,
01:15I'm gonna get all messed up
01:16and just pollute our minds
01:17and it's like three sheets
01:18of a dang old wind, man.
01:19When I grow up,
01:28I'm gonna drink this stuff every day
01:30just like my dad
01:31and fly jets
01:32and maybe even be an astronaut.
01:35I'm gonna live in London
01:36and be a rich millionaire
01:38and have people killed.
01:41I'm gonna sell propane
01:43and propane accessories
01:44if my grades are good enough.
01:46Oh, kids and their crazy dreams.
01:54I'm so depressed
01:56I can't even blink.
02:28Well, we're gonna make some men
02:37out of those 12-year-old boys
02:39tomorrow, I tell you what.
02:41Well, we still get to play
02:42practical jokes, right?
02:44They're not jokes, Bill.
02:46They're painful lessons.
02:48I thank my father
02:49for all the tricks he played on me.
02:52He taught me the most wonderful lesson
02:54and a child can learn.
02:56Never trust nobody.
03:00That's how I know Bob Dole's
03:02faking that dead arm.
03:04I tell you what you do, man.
03:05That dang old hand of the water trick
03:07gonna work every time, man.
03:08You just put it in all water like that
03:11and it don't...
03:12It's been a whole dadgum day
03:14like that cleaning up that dang old pee-pee.
03:16Yeah, but those are getting tired.
03:19We need some new material.
03:21Dad, can me and Bobby bring life preservers?
03:25If you wanna be sissies.
03:28He said yes!
03:30Hey, Dale, uh, there's your wife's, uh...
03:34Healer.
03:35Yeah, John Redcorn.
03:36Let's get some funny Indian stuff to do.
03:39Hey, John Redcorn.
03:41Hank, Dale, Bill, Boomhauer.
03:45John Redcorn, we've got this
03:47Order of the Straight Arrow retreat tomorrow
03:50and I was wondering...
03:51I'd be honored to look after your wife.
03:56Oh, well, gee, thanks.
04:00But what I was really wondering is
04:02if you had some good Indian stuff
04:04for the ceremony around the campfire.
04:07Hmm, our rituals are considered sacred
04:10and are passed down only in the nation.
04:13Oh, well, that don't bother us.
04:15Hell no.
04:16We'll take a sacred one.
04:18There is a very ancient ceremony
04:20I learned from my grandfather.
04:21We call upon the sacred Wimataña
04:24and we ask him to breathe life
04:26into our spirit bag.
04:28See, spirit bags, Wimataña,
04:32funny-looking headband.
04:34Oh, the boys are gonna eat this stuff up.
04:37The spirit bag is very sacred.
04:41You should not make light.
04:44I like how you say everything's sacred.
04:47That's funny, too.
04:48Let's do that, Hank.
04:50Well, I got a bunch of ladies'
04:51tennis socks we can use for spirit bags.
04:55I got them in a divorce.
04:57Now every time she plays,
04:58she gets blisters.
04:59It's been six years, Bill.
05:02Don't you think she'd have bought
05:04some new socks by now?
05:06I want to get that straight arrow patch so bad,
05:10I'm gonna put it right here
05:12next to my sewing badge.
05:15It's supposed to be hard.
05:18I heard they make you walk on hot coals
05:21and then you have to eat them.
05:23Ew!
05:25After you walk on them?
05:30Hell, that's hot!
05:32Hell, you're not kidding!
05:34Fuck!
05:35Pardon me, mate.
05:36Did I just hear what I almost heard?
05:39I was gonna say,
05:41forget about it.
05:44Son, Peggy Hill knows half a swear word
05:46when she hears one.
05:48Now go to sleep.
05:49You had the coolest mom.
05:53She smells like Miracle Whip.
05:57Hey, guys.
05:58Eustace.
05:59Hey, Eustace.
06:00Hey, useless.
06:03Hmm.
06:04Ha ha.
06:05All right, Randy.
06:07Remember, the purpose of this weekend
06:09is to have fun.
06:11Daddy loves you
06:11whether you get your straight arrow patch
06:14or not.
06:15Huh.
06:15What a load.
06:16Can you imagine how I'd have turned out
06:19if my dad had loved me
06:20no matter what?
06:22Thanks for the bus fare, Aunt Peggy.
06:24Don't be silly, honey.
06:25It is very important
06:26that you be there for your mama.
06:28This is her big day.
06:29Well, actually,
06:31her big day is the sentencing.
06:33This is just the arraignment.
06:35Here's a fun saver.
06:36Take lots of pictures.
06:42Well, okay.
06:44There we go.
06:45Have a good time.
06:47Here's a fun saver.
06:48Take lots of pictures.
06:50Gosh, Peg,
06:51if I didn't know better,
06:52I'd think you were anxious
06:53to see us go.
06:57Well, that is not true.
06:59You and Bobby are my whole life.
07:01Come on, kids.
07:02Let's go.
07:03Everybody in the car.
07:04I'm the light.
07:05Now.
07:06Hold on, boys.
07:07Before we go,
07:09we have to ask the great spirit,
07:12uh,
07:13Wama Tanya
07:14to watch over us on this trip.
07:17Cool.
07:18Ooh.
07:18Wama Tanya.
07:20This trip is about
07:22the sacredness of Mother Earth
07:24and all she gives us.
07:27So pee now,
07:28because once we're on the road,
07:29we ain't stopping.
07:30I'll see you Sunday, pig.
07:34Okay.
07:35Yeah, yeah, yeah.
07:36All right.
07:36Bye-bye.
07:39Oh.
07:40Damn it.
07:41Looks like we're delayed
07:43a couple hours.
07:44I gotta charge up
07:46the battery.
07:47Pop the clutch, hon!
08:11We were Tanya.
08:13Let's about license plates.
08:15I see Texas.
08:16We're Matanya.
08:17We're Matanya.
08:18There's another Texas.
08:19We're Matanya.
08:20We're Matanya.
08:21I see Texas.
08:22We're Matanya.
08:23Oh, God.
08:24We're Matanya.
08:26Texas.
08:27We're Matanya.
08:28Would you guys just shut up?
08:31You didn't say we're Matanya.
08:34Oh.
08:35Boomhower, pass him.
08:36I got an idea.
08:37Pass him up.
08:42We're Matanya.
08:43Ask him, Mr. Gribble's butt.
08:45We're Matanya.
08:46You're getting a little pressed ham.
08:48Woo!
08:54We Matanya.
08:55I see Texas.
08:56We Matanya.
08:57All right.
08:57That's it.
08:59Everybody pile out right now.
09:03Okay.
09:04The 24-hour oath of silence starts now.
09:08Here are your silence sticks.
09:10Those are slurred jeans.
09:11That's what the white man calls them.
09:15Well, Matanya calls them silent sticks to test your spirit of shutting up.
09:20Each time you talk, I take a bite.
09:23Talk five times and you're out.
09:2624-hour silence starting now.
09:29Right now?
09:38Bobby, son, you just talked.
09:41Now, I'll let that pass, but don't talk again.
09:45Thanks, Dad.
09:47Son, give me that Slim Jim.
09:50I'm hungry.
10:08No problem.
10:09Mr. Hill, wake up!
10:17Ha!
10:18That was a test.
10:19Joseph, give Mr. Doe Treve a bite of your silence stick.
10:24Remember, kids, you never know when you're going to be tested.
10:29Now, who else is hungry?
10:31I am.
10:32Gotcha!
10:33Bobby, Randy, Garth, pass your silence sticks up.
10:37See, kids, it's harder than you think.
10:41You don't want to end up like Randy's dad.
10:45My dad's a successful patent lawyer.
10:48Not in the eyes of woman Tonya.
10:53I'm still hungry.
10:55Who wants a dollar, say me?
10:57Me!
10:58Well, these things are addictive.
11:04Lord, Bobby, watch out, son.
11:07You've lost more chaws than anybody.
11:10Now, don't talk no matter what.
11:17Woman Tonya, Mr. Gribble's not wearing his seatbelt.
11:19Bobby!
11:20You just got four in a row.
11:22One more bite, and you can't make straight arrow.
11:25I'll take that jerky now.
11:33Here it is, boys, the great outdoors.
11:40Thanks to our efforts, we have preserved the nesting areas for the Texas Spotted Owl,
11:48the snail darter, and the endangered whooping crane.
11:51And we eliminated 300 logging jobs.
11:57Yeah, right on, man.
12:00Right on.
12:01Also, this note, people, the brown herbal ecstasy is bad.
12:06Do not, I repeat, do not take the brown herbal ecstasy.
12:10Thank you, dude.
12:11Thank you, all.
12:12Oh, man.
12:13What kind of lefty hootenanny is this?
12:18Look at that one, bouncing around in front of God and everybody.
12:23Would it kill a tree if she wore a bra?
12:26I'm beginning to think this silence thing is just so we don't bother them.
12:54They're not testing anything except for how dumb we are.
12:57It's a whole trick.
12:59My dad wouldn't trick us.
13:01My dad wouldn't trick us.
13:12Wee-ma-tonyay.
13:19Wee-ma-tonyay, who wants another beer, wee-ma-tonyay?
13:24I am kicking elk.
13:31As long as the sacred fire is burning, the oath of silence is suspended.
13:37Thank you, Lord.
13:38My liver hurts just to get.
13:39Shut up.
13:40I'm talking here.
13:42We of the order of the straight arrow call upon the spirit wee-ma-tonyay,
13:48protector of the sacred ground that brings us cool water to drink and energy-efficient clean-burning propane gas for all our sacred heating and cooking needs.
14:01Wee-ma-tonyay says, respect the earth.
14:05She's ours, by God.
14:07Our tax is paid for.
14:10Also, uh, it says here you gotta love all her creatures.
14:14Uh, let's see.
14:17Oh, here we go.
14:17Though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you're gonna recommend us to the spirit in the sky, with liberty and justice for all.
14:30Wa-ma-tonyay is with you, and with Texas.
14:34Amen.
14:35Amen.
14:36I would like a room, please.
14:43Name.
14:45I am Senora Groscia Ibanez, and I will be paying in cash.
14:50Now we will say the oath of the order of the straight arrow.
14:55A straight arrow tells the truth.
14:59A straight arrow loves nature.
15:02A straight arrow is against Bill H.R. 57 to allow the importation of South American propane.
15:13Wee-ma-tonyay.
15:16And now for the final test, the snipe hunt.
15:20You are about to come face to face with the deadliest beast in creation.
15:26Those who survive will be honored members of the order of the straight arrow.
15:32And those who don't will be dead.
15:36Oh, wee-ma-tonyay, protect us on our hunt.
15:41All right, this here's your whoop-ass stick to beat the snipe back in case he comes at you.
15:47Well, what does a snipe look like?
15:50It's got red glowing eyes, long crooked teeth, a claw, and a tail with another claw on the end.
15:58Easy, Dale.
16:02Bill and I will take the lead.
16:04Boomhauer and Dale will bring up the rear.
16:07Remember, the snipe call is this.
16:10Woo-loo-loo.
16:12Woo-loo-loo.
16:15Well, call him out, boys.
16:16He's not just going to show up.
16:18Ooh, I think I hear him.
16:23Look out, Bill.
16:25He almost got you.
16:26Ooh.
16:27He, he, he.
16:28Ooh, ooh, ooh.
16:30Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
16:32Ooh, ooh, ooh.
16:33Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
16:36They'll be out there another hour, then we'll go get them.
16:39Heh.
16:40Boy, this takes me back.
16:42Ah!
16:43Uh-uh.
16:43I got one! I got one!
16:48What the? What are you talking about?
16:55Oh, my Lord, that's a whooping crane.
16:59Hmm, there's only five of those left in the world.
17:03Well, four now.
17:05Then we should be thankful we got the opportunity to see one.
17:13Now you done it. Now you're really gone and done it.
17:20What do you mean, you? We're all in this together.
17:23Whoa, no. Me and Boomhauer came on our own trip in our own conveyance.
17:29You and I may be acquainted, but we are not traveling companions.
17:34I'm merely here to enjoy Earth Day and play some hacky sack.
17:39Dale, I'm gonna need you to give me the keys now.
17:43I can't believe it.
17:49It wasn't your fault, Bobby.
17:51You thought it was a snipe. We all did.
17:54It was, but Wimitanya turned it into a whooping crane
18:00so I could live to get my straight arrow badge.
18:05Bobby, don't you get it?
18:07Your dad made all that up.
18:11There's no such thing as a snipe.
18:13No! My dad is the arrow leader.
18:17He speaks only with honor.
18:21We'll ditch the carcass by the interstate in the morning.
18:24Now let's just go to sleep.
18:26Yes, yes. We'll all just go to sleep now.
18:31Bill, get his pants and shoes.
18:35Uncle Doug.
18:41Sir!
18:45Sir, I'm sorry to disturb you.
18:47I'm with the forestry service and we're looking for a missing whooping crane.
18:52Uh-huh, uh-huh.
18:54And, well, you see the bird's tagged with a little transmitter and I've tracked it to within ten yards of your campsite.
19:01You haven't seen it, have you?
19:03Uh, whooping crane and these parts, uh, I think I would have noticed something like that.
19:10They're pretty rare, aren't they?
19:12Oh, yes. Very rare and beautiful.
19:15Sir, do you know anything about this?
19:18Yeah, man. I'll tell you what.
19:19Dude, one of them snipe hunts last night, man, with them sticks and them bags and them whack-whack, man.
19:24He'd go woo-loo.
19:25Talking about that big mistake, y'all.
19:28It's right there in that cooler.
19:30Well, if you do see anything, you can contact the ranger station.
19:36How about you boys?
19:37Well, yeah, we saw...
19:39Uh, they can't talk for 24 hours.
19:43Hey, order of the straight arrow, you know?
19:45Gotcha. I was in the order myself.
19:51Ah, the straight arrow hasn't changed a bit since I was a boy.
19:56We gotta get rid of this bird.
19:59What the...
20:00We met on you. We met on you. We met on you.
20:05Bobby, cripes, put that thing down.
20:08Stop fooling around. We've got to bury that thing fast.
20:12We can't just bury it, Dad, remember?
20:16We met on you wants us to honor the bird's sacred spirit.
20:20And we will do just that in the dumpster behind Stucky's.
20:24Now, let's get out of here before someone sees us, okay?
20:31Murderers!
20:32I have got to tell the ranger.
20:35I almost could not get away.
20:51Amigo, it is time for some new zopadas.
20:54Or shoes, as you say, in your country.
20:56Senora, I have an Italian mock alligator you are going to love.
21:03A size 16 for Senora Ibanez.
21:07Triple E.
21:08Brock, you are a genius.
21:10Now, this is why I've come to Lubbock's very big shoes.
21:14I'll have Chuck and Buzz carry the box out to the car for you.
21:18I saw him waving it over his head really proud.
21:20Uh-huh.
21:21I also heard that they were hunting Snipe last night.
21:25There is no Snipe.
21:27My God.
21:28How many more species have to be wiped out before we learn?
21:32Easy.
21:33Easy.
21:34Don't draw attention.
21:35We're almost there.
21:36We're going to make it.
21:38What's that flapping sound?
21:40Taste the wind one last time, bird spirit.
21:44Bobby!
21:44Bobby!
21:45There they are, the nature haters.
21:54Let's get them!
21:55Let's get them!
21:57Pull over right here by that culvert.
22:12Well, we can't stuff this bird in here.
22:22It'll never fit.
22:24You could eat it.
22:25Damn.
22:26And I filled up on silent sticks.
22:29Brother Bird, I have given you a last flight and made my peace with you.
22:36I release your spirit to win my Tanya.
22:40Woo-loo-loo!
22:42Woo-loo-loo!
22:45Son, would you please knock it off?
22:47You're driving me nuts.
22:49There is no Wemma, Tanya.
22:51It's just some damn nonsense we made up to fill out the weekend.
22:56Tell him, Dale.
22:57How do you know my name, Crane Killer?
23:01I never met any of you people before in my life.
23:05Tell him, Bill.
23:06He's right, Bobby.
23:08It's all a crock.
23:10Those spirit bags of yours, just my ex-wife's old socks, and by the way, I want them back.
23:17So, everything you said was all a lie?
23:21Yes, that's the secret of the snipe hunt.
23:24That's the whole point.
23:25Oh, I get it.
23:30I guess.
23:33Bobby, I didn't mean to let you down.
23:36I just...
23:37When Dale and Bill and Boomhauer and me went through this as kids, all the tricks and lies from our dads, they were part of the experience.
23:48It brought us all together.
23:50You know, us against them.
23:52I don't want to be against you.
23:55You're my dad.
23:57We're supposed to be on the same team.
24:00Of course we're on the same team.
24:03You and me.
24:04And now Team Hill is going to bury that whooping crane together and get out of this park without getting caught.
24:12There they are.
24:13Sir, you lied to me.
24:19You lied to this little boy.
24:21And I don't know what you did to this gentleman in his underwear.
24:27I'm going to have to take you into the ranger station.
24:31Son, hand me the bird body.
24:34I need it for evidence.
24:43It's a miracle.
24:46Well, I'll be damned.
24:48We met on you.
24:52I guess knocking a crane unconscious isn't a crime.
24:56Although it's probably not good for them.
24:59You're free to go.
25:00I knew you wouldn't lie to me, Dad.
25:15That was just the final test.
25:18Wimitanya does exist.
25:21The bird was just unconscious, Bobby.
25:24No.
25:25It was dead until I made Wimitanya bring her back to life.
25:30I'm a shaman.
25:32Oh, God.
25:34My head hurts.
25:35I can heal you, Dad.
25:38Woo-loo-loo.
25:40Woo-loo-loo.
25:43Oh.
26:00Well, welcome home, boys.
26:10Did you have fun?
26:11Oh, don't ask.
26:14How was your weekend?
26:16Oh, same old, same old.
26:19Did you do some shopping?
26:21Mm-hmm.
26:22Yeah.
26:22I bought a microwave.
26:24Boy, I tell you what, this family goes through microwaves quicker than most people go through shoes.
26:32Yeah.
26:33Mm-hmm.
26:34All right.