King Of The Hill Season 1 Episode 6 Hank's Unmentionable Problem
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00:00We'll be back.
00:30How was beauty school, Luanne?
00:36Oh, how did the big shampooing final go?
00:40Well, I passed lather, but I failed rinse.
00:43And then I failed repeat, too.
00:46Because it includes rinse, which I don't think is very fair.
00:54Um, Hank, you forgot to flush.
00:57Didn't have to. Didn't do anything.
01:01Oh.
01:03I see.
01:05How long has this been going on?
01:08There's nothing going on, Peg.
01:11That's the problem.
01:13Well, how long have you had this problem?
01:15There is no problem, please.
01:17This is not something we need to talk about.
01:21Well, if you do have a problem, I could...
01:23Peggy, please, for God's sakes.
01:26I'm getting a bite.
01:28Is there any chicken fried steak left?
01:31Here.
01:50What's this?
01:51It's Megamucil.
01:52I take ten heaping teaspoons and a glass of water every night to stay regular.
01:57I don't want to know that.
01:58Oh, come on, honey.
02:00Look, it is gentle and all natural.
02:03No, no, no.
02:04Stop, please.
02:06This is my own private, personal, private business.
02:10At least drink the water.
02:11If you drink enough water, it'll flush out your system.
02:14Blah, blah, blah.
02:16Hey, I'm feeling that it's good for you.
02:19Hey, eggs and sausage.
02:21That looks good.
02:23Peggy, where's my breakfast?
02:24What are these?
02:30I baked muffins.
02:32So, good for you.
02:34Where's my sausage?
02:35Well, we're out of sausage.
02:38Hey, try a muffin there.
02:40Oh, brand.
02:41Uh, sure.
02:43You should eat those, Dad.
02:50They help you make.
02:52Excuse me?
02:54Huh?
02:54What are you implying?
02:56Well, I thought you were constantly...
02:59Where would you get such an idea?
03:01That's ridiculous.
03:02Anyway, that's not something you should ever know about your father.
03:06Well, it's pretty obvious.
03:08You were in the bathroom for an hour last night.
03:11No, I wasn't.
03:13Okay, Dad.
03:15Give me that.
03:21What is it, Lady Bird?
03:24You want to go out?
03:25Again?
03:26Oh, Nancy, I'm worried about Hank.
03:39He hasn't done his business in four days.
03:45Good Lord, poor Hank.
03:48He looks so healthy.
03:51But then, you know, so did Elvis Presley.
03:54Nancy, you don't think it's something serious.
03:58Well, I'm a meteorologist, not a doctor.
04:02But if I had to make an educated guess, I'd say he's got polio.
04:08Oh, all right.
04:10I'm not a meteorologist.
04:12I'm a weather girl.
04:13So, Hank, what's this I hear about you being backed up?
04:17Nothing.
04:18What?
04:19Who are you thinking about talking to?
04:22It's not me.
04:23I'm fine.
04:24Well, that's not what I heard.
04:26Heard from who?
04:28Dale.
04:28How does Dale know?
04:30Nancy.
04:31Nancy knows too?
04:33Huh.
04:34Who?
04:34That Peggy.
04:36Why not just take the door off the bathroom and put it out on the lawn?
04:41Oh, Hank, it happens to everyone now and then.
04:44There's no reason to be embarrassed.
04:47Maybe I'm not the one who should be embarrassed.
04:51Did you ever think of that?
04:53Maybe you're going a little too much.
04:56Once every four or five days gives me more free time.
05:01You want to spend all your time on the toilet, be my guest.
05:05Have you tried squatting?
05:07It takes pressure off the lower body.
05:10Well, you know, Hank, I find a ride on the lawnmower helps.
05:15Would you please stop talking about this?
05:19Hey, Hank, you know, I've been thinking about y'all and y'all dang old bottom and all what's
05:24going to get moving again.
05:25I think y'all ought to go jogging and swim in a water bunch, man.
05:28It's going to be bad having you pooping just like you used to, man.
05:31I know it's going to work.
05:33It helped my aunt after her pregnancy.
05:35I don't know you, do I?
05:38No, you don't.
05:38Would you all please leave me be?
05:42This is no one's business but my own.
05:50Okay, but I've got one that's guaranteed to work for you, Hank.
05:55You take a spoonful of bacon grease.
05:59I'm not eating bacon grease.
06:01You didn't let me finish.
06:03Simple chronic constipation can be a symptom of a more serious condition.
06:11I should know.
06:12I'm former Surgeon General C. Everett Coop.
06:16Why did you have to go tell Nancy about my bathroom shortcomings?
06:21Food that is not absorbed becomes waste and enters the pouch like cecum.
06:27Who the hell is that?
06:29Howard Stern?
06:31Temperature is a pleasant 70 degrees.
06:35And on a more personal note,
06:37I want to wish my friend Hank Hill a quick recovery for his embarrassing constipation.
06:43Duh!
06:44Peggy, why'd you do this to me?
06:46Now everybody knows.
06:48Oh, Hank, I was worried.
06:51So worried to yourself.
06:53Well, I'm tired of worrying to myself.
06:55It's better to talk things out, Hank.
06:57Not these things.
06:59Not toilet things.
07:01All right, Hank.
07:03All right, if it makes you this upset,
07:05I will just sit here silently alone with my worries.
07:09Finally.
07:10Uh, I'll have some skirt steak, some brisket,
07:18a little piece of that New York steak,
07:21a couple of them steak fingers, and a burger.
07:24Oh, Hank, please have just one veggie.
07:26Oh, all right.
07:28Uh, put some macaroni and cheese on there, too.
07:39Mmm.
07:40Ooh, chocolate sauce.
07:46Can I have some?
07:47No, uh-uh, Bobby.
07:49This isn't ordinary chocolate.
07:51It is laxative for your father.
07:54Oh.
07:57Where'd you find this chocolate sauce, Peg?
07:59It sure is good.
08:01Here, Bobby, try some.
08:03Okay, I thought you'd never ask.
08:05Bobby, Bobby, uh, you know what that is.
08:09So?
08:11What is it?
08:13Laxative.
08:16You're trying to drug me?
08:18Good God, that's going too far.
08:21Well, you won't talk to me about it.
08:23Now, what if it really is something serious,
08:26like polyps or worse?
08:28You should see a doctor.
08:30Oh, stop making such a big deal out of it.
08:34I just can't go to the bathroom.
08:36Oh, my God.
08:42Oh, my God.
08:47Oh, my God.
08:52Oh, my God.
08:53He looks like an angel.
08:56A dead angel
08:59It should have been Bill
09:07Oh Hank
09:09We never got a chance to talk about your constipation
09:14And now we never will
09:16Remember early detection is the key
09:20Now pass in your algebra homework
09:23Goodbye boy
09:31See you in hell
09:34Occupied
09:47Oh Hank
09:48You're alive
09:49Close the damn door
09:51Can't you see I'm in here Peg
09:53Don't
09:54No don't touch me
09:56I'm on the john
09:57Get out of here
09:58Oh Hank I was so scared
10:00I dreamed you died
10:02You didn't see a doctor
10:04You didn't listen to Coop
10:06Peggy you're not supposed to see this
10:09Listen honey
10:10I love you
10:11Please don't die on me
10:13I love you too but
10:15Oh geez
10:16All right I'll see a doctor
10:18If you just get out and leave me be
10:21You will
10:23Oh Hank
10:25Oh that's wonderful
10:27Yeah well come on
10:29Get a move on
10:30Thank you
10:33Get
10:33And uh what exactly are you seeing Dr. Morley about today
10:44Uh uh well I've been uh or uh actually I haven't been
10:51Sir you're going to have to speak up
10:53I need to see him about a uh problem with uh
10:59Sir just fill this out and have a seat
11:01Bobby put that down you do not know where it's been honey
11:14Come on I'm trying to fill this thing out
11:17Hanky
11:24Mrs. McIntosh
11:26Hank who
11:28Is this your family
11:31I was your father's third grade teacher
11:35Oh
11:36Why are you here Hanky
11:38This is an old person's doctor
11:41Well Hank hasn't been able to take it
11:43Walk
11:44I threw my knee out playing touch football
11:47Mr. Hill
11:48I'm sorry sir
11:49I cannot read this
11:51What does it say
11:52Con
11:52Contact
11:53Con take
11:54Con what
11:55Uh
11:56So how are we doing today
12:02I'm Dr. Morley
12:03Let's see so you're suffering from consumption
12:07Constipation
12:09Oh constipation
12:11Well that's quite a different matter
12:14How long has it been since your last bowel movement
12:17Well uh I usually don't keep track of that kind of thing but
12:23Five days and Hank's usual schedule is every two days
12:27Of course when we were first married he'd go every day
12:31But then I spoke to his mother and she said the most interesting thing
12:35She said when he was a teenager he would be in that bathroom three or four times a day
12:40Peggy
12:40Please Mr. Hill
12:42This is helpful
12:43Now your wife is obviously concerned
12:46And if she's concerned
12:48I'm concerned
12:50I think we'll do a sigmoidoscopy
12:53Say honey aren't you glad we're here
12:58Hi Mr. Hill
13:01Why don't you go ahead and take off your pants for me
13:03Okay
13:03Why are you stopping
13:17Well no sense in doing this now
13:20I'll just wait until the doctor comes back
13:23Sir you're gonna need to take your pants off for Dr. Morley
13:27Okay
13:29Why look at that peg
13:40Cotton balls
13:42White ones
13:45Whole jar of them
13:50How many do you think there are in there
13:54I'll bet 30
13:58Yep
14:0130
14:04Okay Mr. Hill
14:11Why don't you hop on the table
14:13And undo the back of your gown
14:14And we'll have a look at you
14:16You got all these fancy machines
14:18Can't you take a picture through the gown
14:21It's normal to be a little frightened Mr. Hill
14:24Just turn your face to the wall
14:26Oh you want me to get that
14:29No
14:30Mr. Hill
14:32Mr. Hill this is Tasha
14:34She's a medical student
14:35Would it be alright with you
14:37If she observes the examination
14:39Uh
14:39Well I guess
14:42We made it honey
14:51Quick
14:51Sixth floor maternity
14:53Mr. Hill
15:05Mr. Hill
15:05This is a special camera
15:08That we use to get an inside view of your colon
15:11Just kill me now
15:14Mr. Hill
15:15Do you wish a bite plate?
15:17Mom
15:18Mom hungry
15:19Whoa
15:20Dad
15:21What are they doing here?
15:23Bobby
15:24Get out of here
15:25You know Mr. Hill
15:26When a family faces an illness
15:28All members should be involved
15:30Remember
15:31They're your get well team
15:33Hey there Ace
15:35Do you like video games?
15:37Yeah
15:37Well this joystick is just like a video game joystick
15:40Only my red button fires a real laser
15:43Cool
15:44Pew
15:46Pew
15:46Pew
15:47Pew
15:47Pew
15:48Bobby
15:49Say you're good
15:51Maybe you could uh
15:53Help us out a little later
15:54Just kidding Mr. Hill
15:56Mr. Hill
15:58It doesn't hurt to smile
16:00It might actually help
16:02Tasha
16:04You can begin
16:05So far this looks normal
16:12Normal?
16:13Uh
16:13That's good right?
16:16Now this is exciting
16:17There are so many twists and turns
16:20I can't wait to see what's around the next bend
16:22The colon has to twist and turn
16:24Because it's surprisingly long
16:26You know Bobby
16:27If I were to take your grandfather's intestine
16:31I'm his father
16:32Your father's intestine
16:34And lay it out in a straight line
16:36It would go all the way around the earth
16:39Wow
16:40Really?
16:41Well that is amazing doctor
16:44You know I did not know that
16:46Now how could that be?
16:48The earth is 25,000 miles around
16:52A piece of steak would have to shoot through your system faster than the speed of sound
16:58That's impossible
16:59Well Mr. Hill
17:01There's certainly nothing going through your intestines that fast
17:05Hey I like this
17:07Can I be a proctologist when I grow up?
17:12Um Mr. Hill
17:13I'm going to have to ask you to relax your buttocks for me please
17:17How are you holding up Mrs. Hill?
17:28Well I'm okay
17:29I'm just a little uncomfortable from sitting here for so long
17:34Okay
17:37Let's take a five minute break
17:39Well Mr. Hill
17:47We're not exactly sure what's causing your problem
17:50So at this point the best option might be to remove something surgically
17:54I'm sorry but apparently your low fat high fiber diet is not working
18:00Well maybe Hank just needs to give his low fat high fiber diet a little more time
18:05Isn't that right Hank?
18:07Yes, yes, all right
18:09Just to be safe
18:11I'll book an operating room for the end of the week
18:14Oh God
18:15Don't worry
18:16You know it's possible to live a long, healthy, slightly less active life without a colon
18:22You just can't wear shorts
18:25Not dogs
18:35Now what are these, hot dogs?
18:37No, they're not dogs
18:40They're made of tofu
18:41Tofu? I can't eat that crap
18:44Then try this fo-fu
18:46It's a tofu substitute for the tofu intolerant
18:50Now would that be good for a man who's constipated?
18:54Peggy
18:54Well I didn't say it was you
18:56Is this for your husband?
18:58Yes
18:58And we will also take a quarter of your brown rice broth
19:01Do you have anything that tastes good?
19:05Hmm
19:05Uh
19:07No
19:09Look at this Uncle Hank
19:12Experience moxibustion with Mr. Lee
19:16Board certified moxibustionist
19:19Relieves stress and opens the energy channels
19:23What the hell is that?
19:26He sticks needles in your skin and sets them on fire
19:29Anyone ever try that on me, I'll kick his ass
19:32No, watch out behind you, no
19:37Oh God, Gatorade all down his back
19:40Hank, it's two o'clock, bathroom time
19:44Peg, can't I just...
19:46Bathroom time
19:47All right
19:49Hi there, Peggy
19:53We were wondering if Hank could come out and help us with my fence
19:58Oh, I'm sorry, Dale
19:59Hank is having his bathroom time
20:02Maybe later
20:03I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Dale
20:06In this future
20:09If you're done with your mind
20:11Yeah
20:12Yeah
20:13I'm sorry, Dale
20:14Oh, my God
20:14I'm sorry
20:15I'm sorry, Dale
20:16Oh, my God
20:16I'm sorry, Dale
20:17I'm sorry, Dale
20:18I'm sorry, Dale
20:18I'm sorry, Dale
20:53Thank you all for coming. I thought it would help cheer Hank up to have all of his friends here. I think he's making a lot of progress. Oh, where are you going, Hank? The bathroom. Now just try to relax, Hank, and concentrate. This could be it. Come on! Will you hurry up? Peggy, please.
21:16Come on, Hank.
21:20Huh.
21:23Oh.
21:25No, no. See what I'm saying?
21:53And this salad don't always have to have salad in it. See, there's potato salad.
21:59And now...
22:00Oh.
22:02I'm sorry, Peg. I let you down. Let y'all down.
22:07Don't you worry, Hank. We still have 24 hours before your appointment. And we're going to make the most of it.
22:14Oh.
22:31Oh.
22:33you know hank seems a little down well he's a shell of a man i never thought hank would
22:57have the willpower to give up everything he enjoyed in life well that's not hank that's me
23:03i mean if it was up to him he'd still be eating burgers in the backyard with the old bill and
23:08boomhower he'd still be drinking beer and shouting at the tv set and having a lot of fun and
23:26wait here
23:26so so what well i heard a i mean i wasn't listening but i did hear a oh that was my glasses
23:41look honey we gotta talk i know you want to help but this is getting out of control you can't treat a
23:50grown man like a baby it ain't right i feel like i've been trying to be someone else lately eating
23:58food i don't eat and i'm just not gonna do it anymore and if i don't ever poop again well that's just gonna
24:06be who i am i'd rather die with a burger in my colon than live and eat faux food hank i know and it's okay
24:18you're right what well i'm only doing this because i want you to be around as long as possible because
24:25i love you but i i have to let you be you oh thank you i'll still be here for a good long while i worry
24:38i know you do that you could i know honey and i'm a lucky son of a gun i tell you what to have a woman
24:47like you care so much about me i'm gonna be more open tell you how i'm doing more and let you in
24:57yeah i just want this moment to last forever hank me too but it can't oh hold me hank no no let go let go
25:27yes
25:41you might have noticed in tonight's episode there was some brief nudity now as an actor i only do
26:04nudity when i feel the script warrants it and i thought tonight's episode only warranted seeing
26:12the side of my rump you can believe me when i tell you the fox executives were pushing for a whole lot
26:20more if any of you were offended by my body i'm truly sorry good night