King Of The Hill Season 1 Episode 5 Luanne's Saga
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TVTranscript
00:00Music
00:29just two more come on okay five more okay five more hey you said two you can't predict this
00:45tape i've done it enough to know my game was out of batteries i need to get on the nintendo
00:51quick just a minute bobby get ready to turn and turn
00:59way to go bobby
01:03hi uncle hank uh shut that off bobby stop dancing now he is not just dancing he's firming his thighs
01:17and tightening his buttocks watch your mouth jeez ah ah god dang luann ah damn it ah look at this
01:30place what is it uncle hank the sofa beds in the out position and i can't find nothing in here
01:39anymore what are you looking for i didn't used to have to be looking for something
01:45i'd come into my den and just look look at my different stuff and get ideas about what i want
01:53don't worry uncle hank i'll be out of your hair soon
01:56i think buckley's gonna ask me to move in isn't it neat i'll be going from daddy to you to buckley
02:06yeah it's an amazing journey luann what about this movie you want this record
02:14no it doesn't work like that how about this tackle box luann what did i just uh
02:21well that might need reorganizing
02:24why do you let luann go out with that hairball it's none of my business she's not my daughter
02:44anyway that buckley may be dumb as dirt but he's her ticket out of my house
02:50keep going they should be out of my sight by now
03:05yeah man them dang old birds man flying low this season man it's probably a dang old awkward man
03:25what the hell was that that was a breakup at least that's what it was the last time i ran into the house
03:39trying
03:40a lot of tears
04:00guess what was on sale oh my lord you've been dumped
04:06oh there there all right you tell aunt peggy all about it
04:13fish sticks
04:38fish sticks
04:45hey you know i was almost killed it okay hank please try and be sensitive
04:52okay honey go ahead you let it out it is natural this is the healing process
05:03oh
05:05peggy i had a talk with her today
05:10we are past the first hump so that leaves only seven more humps
05:15peggy i need you to fix her now without my quiet time i'm not an effective propane salesman
05:22well you can't rush it hank the formula is for however long she was dating him that's how long
05:29it takes to get over him
05:31you mean we got three more weeks of this if you don't fix her i'll have to
05:36oh
05:37well honey i don't think you have the tools for that job
05:40what's that supposed to mean
05:42well remember when my aunt died and you kept grabbing me around the waist and saying let's wrestle
05:48yeah but you told me that help you
05:50i did
05:51well yes it did
05:52see
05:53look if you really want to help
05:55sometime tomorrow you tell lewin she looks pretty
05:59what's that got to do with anything
06:01she just needs to hear it from a man
06:03three words
06:05you
06:06look
06:07pretty
06:08and nothing more
06:10so what you thinking about there stew
06:13i'm thinking about flipping that steak there
06:16well righty
06:17no flip that other one
06:20don't go away
06:21we'll be right back with more of make a steak
06:24make a steak
06:25at megalomark
06:28you're shopping for the rest of your life
06:33how you doing out there
06:35i'm chuck manjoni
06:37you know even celebrities have to hunt for bargains
06:40that's why i go to the megalomark
06:43where shopping feels so good
06:46good
06:47this week twelve five pound bags of gourmet chocolates
06:51ten dollars
06:53that's buckley's section
06:55oh
06:56oh
06:57oh
06:58oh
06:59oh
07:00oh
07:03oh
07:04oh
07:05oh
07:06oh
07:07oh
07:08oh
07:09oh
07:10oh
07:11oh
07:12oh
07:13oh
07:14oh
07:16oh
07:17oh
07:18oh
07:19you look pretty
07:20i was dumped
07:22uh
07:23three words
07:24nothing more
07:25you look pretty
07:27nothing more
07:28why aren't you saying anything
07:33uh
07:34i never liked that buckley
07:37you should be happy
07:39that guy was an annoying greasy headed loser
07:42loser. I was dumped by a loser.
07:50Oh, jeez.
07:53Luanne, sometimes life throws you a curveball.
07:57Now, there's two ways you can deal with it. You can
08:00cry, and that's the path you've chosen.
08:05Or you can not cry.
08:09How do you not cry? Well,
08:12instead of letting it out, try holding
08:16it in. Every time you have a feeling,
08:20just stick it into a little pit inside your stomach and never
08:24let it out.
08:29Are you supposed to have a pain under your
08:32rib? Yes. That's natural. The body
08:36doesn't want to swallow its emotions. But now
08:40you go ahead and put that pain
08:42inside your stomach, too.
08:45I think it's working, Uncle Hank.
08:48I feel
08:48sick, but not
08:50sad. There you go.
08:53Look at my friend, Bill.
08:55He went through the worst divorce
08:57this county's ever seen,
08:58but you never see him crying.
09:11I'm scared I'll never find another guy.
09:13Ah, don't worry about that.
09:16Peggy told me, if you dated your old boyfriend for three weeks, you'll get a new one in three
09:22weeks. Tops.
09:23Another thing I hate
09:26about Buckley, he always
09:28takes me to all-you-can-eat and says
09:30that I have to sneak off his plate so I
09:32just get iced tea. And then
09:34he's too scared of getting caught to share.
09:36Ooh, I hate
09:38guys like that.
09:39Why do boys with braces always want
09:42a French kiss?
09:43Pass me some more of that
09:49cookie dough.
09:53Mmm.
09:54I never knew you could eat it raw.
09:58It's almost as good as
09:59ice cream. You know, they make
10:01ice cream with cookie dough already, isn't it?
10:04Damn, sister.
10:05Get me my keys.
10:06Luanne, where have you been?
10:13We were supposed to be crying all night.
10:16I spent the whole day with Uncle Hank.
10:19Luanne, uh, why don't you go get the fold-out ready?
10:22Okay.
10:23Good night, Uncle Hank and Aunt Peggy.
10:26Good night, Hank.
10:28What did you do?
10:29I did what you couldn't do.
10:32Now, I'm not saying you're not good at what you do.
10:35I'm just saying I'm better.
10:37I went in there and fixed her,
10:39like fixing a carburetor.
10:41And you know what?
10:42It was fun.
10:43Like fixing a carburetor.
10:45But, Hank, I told you not to meddle.
10:48This is a natural process,
10:50and you cannot manipulate...
10:52You know, you look pretty.
10:54Really?
10:56Oh, Hank.
10:57Well, that's sweet.
11:00But I mean it.
11:01You have got to stop...
11:02You look pretty, Peg.
11:03Oh, thank you.
11:19You ladies go on ahead.
11:21We got to help Bill close his jeans.
11:25All right.
11:26Let's go.
11:27All right.
11:27We have to find a nice boyfriend for Luann.
11:31Boy, that seems like a pile of work just to get your den back.
11:36Well, it's not about my den.
11:38It's about that poor girl living in my den.
11:41So what's your type?
11:43Uh, never mind about her type.
11:54Just find a regular guy.
11:57It's a scientific fact that women like round, muscular butts.
12:02I'm gonna look for a guy with a round, muscular butt.
12:06Uh, maybe we should split up.
12:11Oh, one more thing.
12:13Peggy doesn't know about this.
12:15What, you want me to tell her?
12:17No, Bill.
12:19Just dance with her.
12:21Keep her busy.
12:22What, me?
12:24Dancing?
12:25I don't know.
12:27Oh, and, you know, my arms around a, uh, a warm, okay.
12:43Uh, hmm.
12:45Nah.
12:49Uh, hmm.
12:52Possible.
12:54Dale, I bought you a beer.
12:55Mind if I dance with your wife?
12:58Take her.
13:03Sucker.
13:04Oh, no, man.
13:05You ain't gonna have to worry about that.
13:07You go out and dance, you're gonna go Dutch, man.
13:10There's no other way.
13:11Well, you smell nice.
13:13Dance with me, sugar.
13:15Hey, boy, I tell you what, man.
13:17It's that damn CK-1, man.
13:19It's just like catnip.
13:24Hey.
13:24You seem like a regular guy.
13:31Hmm.
13:33Hey, what's Hank doing over there?
13:36Well, I don't see him.
13:39Bill, why are you spinning me into souvenir gulch?
13:42It's been a while.
13:43I can't remember all the steps.
13:45Well, just do what I say, and we'll get along fine.
13:48On three, brush, right, leg, fan, left, and scoop, scrape, and scoop.
13:53What's your name, son?
14:03Wade, sir.
14:04That's some buckle you got there.
14:07Thank you, sir.
14:07It means a lot coming from a man like you who, I can plainly see, knows a thing or two about buckles.
14:14Well, uh, well, this round's on me.
14:18And great fine left.
14:20Hinch right.
14:21Fan, fan, double dog down.
14:23Hinch kick, now slap that heel.
14:25Heel toe, heel toe.
14:27Heel toe, knee toe, heel.
14:29Quarterback, huh?
14:30Varsity.
14:32Love your mama?
14:33You know I do.
14:34She cook with a gas range?
14:36Propane.
14:40I don't know if I'm ready, Uncle Hank.
14:42Sure you are.
14:44And Wade's a catch and a half.
14:46He can run the 40 in under five seconds.
14:49But my heart is telling me that...
14:51Your heart is telling you?
14:53Who's the boss, you or your heart?
14:55You are.
14:56Your heart is your employee.
14:59So get your heart off its butt and back to work.
15:03You're right, Uncle Hank.
15:05What am I waiting for?
15:07Let's go get Wade.
15:13Bill, you need to have more confidence in yourself.
15:16If you ask Peggy Hill, you boot scoot with the best of them.
15:20Well, I don't know.
15:22All right, this next one's gonna be Lady's Choice.
15:25Excuse me, Bill.
15:30Hey, Peggy.
15:32Better than aerobics, huh?
15:34You worked up quite a sweat.
15:36That's not my sweat.
15:38Where's Lou Anne?
15:48Lou Anne's fine.
15:49She's gonna get a ride home with a friend.
15:52Tush, push on three.
15:55And three.
15:56Is Lou Anne gonna marry her new boyfriend?
16:06Well, you never can tell, but my guess is...
16:09Yeah.
16:11Lou Anne!
16:12That's Buckley.
16:14Those better be for me.
16:16Nah, they're for me for later.
16:19Where's Lou Anne?
16:20Lou Anne is out with her new boyfriend.
16:23She's in love.
16:24You blew it, diphead.
16:26You can't compete with this new guy.
16:28He's a football player.
16:30And football players know how to treat women right.
16:33Now get off my lawn and don't come back.
16:36Why'd you send Buckley away?
16:40Lou Anne wants him back.
16:42Not gonna happen.
16:43I found her a new guy.
16:45You broke the rebound rule?
16:48What has gotten into you, Hank?
16:50Well, I was kinda hoping she might fall in love with Wade.
16:54Well, hope in one hand and boo in the other.
16:57See which one gets full first.
16:59Mm-mm.
17:00You are out of your depth, Hank Hill.
17:01Well, you've opened a Pandora's box.
17:04A box that has a sign that reads FOR WOMEN ONLY.
17:09As long as it took that river to carve the Grand Canyon,
17:13that is how long women have been learning
17:15to subtly manipulate relationships.
17:19You only think it's easy because we make it look easy.
17:24Did you really believe you could step in and fix it overnight?
17:29Could you really be such a fool?
17:33Woe is you, Hank Hill.
17:36Woe is you.
17:37No, no.
17:38No, everything's gonna be fine.
17:41Wade's a good guy.
17:43You don't know.
17:43He runs fast.
17:45It'll be fine.
17:47What's that?
17:49See?
17:53Everything's fine.
17:54Good old Wade drove her home.
17:57Look at that.
17:57He's fixed his dodge up just like Boomhauer's.
18:00Well, why on earth would anyone do that?
18:04Boomhauer?
18:07Good night.
18:09Thanks for the lift.
18:11No!
18:19Luann, what happened to Wade?
18:31Why aren't you with Wade?
18:33I want Wade.
18:35As soon as you left Wade,
18:37turn into Mr. Grabby Sam.
18:39I think that you just fixed me up with him
18:41so you could get your den back.
18:43Thank goodness Boomhauer gave me a lift.
18:45A lift?
18:46Is that what they're calling it these days?
18:49You can't trust this guy.
18:51He's a no-good, immoral, skirt-chasing rascal.
18:55So, at least you like him better than Buckley.
18:58What are you saying?
19:00He's your new boyfriend?
19:01A Hank.
19:02So, what if he is?
19:04If he is, he ain't no more.
19:06Hank!
19:06You can't tell me what to do.
19:08You're not my father.
19:09Uh, yeah, I guess not.
19:12Damn straight I'm not.
19:14But while you're under my roof,
19:16I'm your landlord.
19:18And as your landlord,
19:19I forbid you to date Boomhauer.
19:21Shut up, Hank.
19:22I can find another roof.
19:25I'll stay at Boomhauer's.
19:27Fine.
19:28Fine!
19:28Oh, wait, man.
19:29I didn't, I didn't,
19:30I didn't go work out, man.
19:31These little old gals come around here,
19:32they're just flat-eyed and old, man.
19:35Thanks, Boomhauer.
19:36Let's go.
19:37Dang old women for Mars, man.
19:40I'll tell you what.
19:40Don't go in there, Luanne.
19:50I'm warning you.
19:52You'll be sorry.
19:54Damn it, this neighborhood
19:55is turning into Malrose Place.
19:58Hank, it is after midnight.
20:15What the heck are you doing?
20:17Clearing some space from a leaf blower.
20:20Mm-hmm.
20:21Now, Hank,
20:22this is not about the leaf blower, is it?
20:25Sure it is.
20:26What are you eating?
20:34Nothing.
20:34You are eating your emotions, aren't you?
20:37Maybe, who knows?
20:38I don't know.
20:38I don't care.
20:39Whatever.
20:40You thought you could fix Luanne
20:42like a flywheel drive plate,
20:44but a flywheel drive plate
20:46doesn't talk back.
20:47Flywheel drive plates
20:49do not have feelings.
20:50Flywheel drive plates...
20:52I took her in, Peg.
20:53I put a 20-year roof over her head
20:55and a sofa sleeper under the rest of her.
20:58And this is the thanks I get?
21:00Well, no thanks.
21:04Just face it, Hank Hill.
21:07The only reason you're this upset
21:09is because you care so much about Luanne.
21:12The only thing I care about
21:13is getting my den back.
21:19Hmm.
21:21Boy, I've never been in here before.
21:24Ooh, it sure is bachelor-y.
21:27Can I turn this light on?
21:29Oh.
21:30Uh, hmm.
21:31That...
21:32That's real pretty.
21:33Uh, gosh.
21:36Oh, you move very fast, Boomhauer.
21:39But...
21:40I'm having all these feelings
21:42and I need just a little time to...
21:46Oh.
21:50Okay, last case of beer.
21:52Let's divvy it up.
21:55Hey.
21:57It don't split up even anymore.
22:00That one's Boomhauer's.
22:01That cradle robber's getting none of my beer.
22:05Boomhauer didn't do anything.
22:07And even if he did, why do you care?
22:09Luanne's not your relation.
22:11Hell, she's my wife's brother's daughter.
22:14You can't get any closer than that.
22:17Look, let's just split that six-pack up.
22:20We can each take two.
22:23Tell you what,
22:24why not just take the whole thing?
22:26Okay, Mom.
22:28Let's try a move of my own.
22:30And split kick right and back
22:34and split kick left
22:36and sideways shuffle, go!
22:40Oh!
22:40Oh, are you okay, Bobby?
22:43Yeah.
22:44Well, it was a nice move.
22:48Yeah.
22:49Oh, honey.
22:50It's just not right without Luanne.
22:53Yeah.
22:54Yeah.
22:54Yeah.
22:54Yeah.
22:54Yeah.
22:54Yeah.
22:54Yeah.
22:54Yeah.
23:00This was a nice idea, Pig.
23:02Get us out of that house.
23:05Son, they got eight kinds of ketchup here
23:07and three kinds of ketchup.
23:10I thought I'm going to have some of that
23:12fried chicken and a fried plate of fried chicken
23:14fried side and fried some fried ochre.
23:18Luanne!
23:19And Boomhauer, too.
23:21Well, isn't this a nice surprise?
23:23Uh, is that gravy lumpy tonight?
23:28Hi, I'm Peggy.
23:30Uncle Hank.
23:31I'll take a bowl of the white gravy
23:33and a bowl of brown gravy.
23:36Hey, Dad, it's Luanne.
23:38Right behind you.
23:40Dad, it's Luanne.
23:43Hey, Dad, can't you hear me?
23:45Luanne, right behind you.
23:47Say, Hank, man, I don't know what you're thinking, man,
23:55but y'all got an old man.
23:56That ain't no dang old Woody Allen
23:58would that soon leave, man.
23:59This ain't nothing going to happen.
24:01Boomhauer, you're not going to talk your way out of this one.
24:05Uncle Hank, I don't...
24:07Don't uncle me anymore, Luanne.
24:10Just come on by tomorrow and pick your stuff up.
24:13I got it all boxed and ready to go.
24:17Well, you finally got your wish.
24:22You are going to get your den back.
24:24I hope you're happy.
24:30Lookit, she's crying again.
24:32I guess she just got dumped by her new boyfriend, Boomhauer.
24:37Hmm.
24:38Boomhauer didn't dump her, you did.
24:40What?
24:41What was that?
24:41She said, Boomhauer didn't dump her, you did.
24:45Pass the kids up.
24:52I came for my stuff.
25:00It's all in there.
25:01Oh, I was moving stuff around,
25:23and it seems that the room looks a little better this way.
25:27The bed is giving out.
25:32Well, I figure there's no sense in packing it up night after night.
25:36I love you, Uncle Hank.
25:39Oh, Lord.
25:43Oh, Lord.
25:55See, still looking?
26:00Yep.
26:01You know, Hank, maybe it's time to settle this.
26:05Yeah.
26:06I just hate these big emotional scenes.
26:11Well, let's get it over with.
26:14Boomhauer!
26:16Yep.
26:17Beer?
26:20Yep.
26:21That was beautiful.
26:26Oh.
26:28Mm-hmm.
26:29Mm-hmm.
26:30Mm-hmm.
26:30Mm-hmm.
26:32Mm-hmm.
26:33Mm-hmm.
26:33Mm-hmm.
26:33Mm-hmm.
26:33Mm-hmm.
26:34Mm-hmm.
26:34Mm-hmm.
26:34Mm-hmm.
26:34Mm-hmm.
26:34Mm-hmm.
26:35Mm-hmm.
26:35Mm-hmm.
26:35Mm-hmm.
26:36Mm-hmm.
26:36Mm-hmm.
26:37Mm-hmm.
26:38Mm-hmm.
26:39Mm-hmm.
26:40Mm-hmm.
26:41Mm-hmm.
26:41Mm-hmm.
26:42Mm-hmm.
26:43Mm-hmm.
26:43Mm-hmm.
26:45Mm-hmm.
26:45Mm-hmm.
26:46Mm-hmm.
26:47Mm-hmm.
26:47Mm-hmm.
26:47Mm-hmm.