Frasier Season 1 Episode 15 You Can't Tell A Crook By His Cover
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00:00offices the advertising offices and the lunchroom and we've now finally come to the sanctum
00:06sanctorum my studio so you might recognize that handsome rogue over there
00:12wow you had photographs even bigger than it is very droll get in here this is what we in the
00:21radio game call a booth it's here that i sit day after day and dispense the advice that helps the
00:27emotionally distraught through their troubled lives suppose this stuff's bulletproof
00:33now you know you're putting on home after lunch i just brought here because i thought you'd enjoy
00:39it now don't touch that it's a very sophisticated piece of electronic equipment what is it i have
00:44no idea ross told me never to touch it see dad the usual procedure begins testing testing dad dad dad
00:53let's just go into ross's booth okay you can touch anything you want to in there
00:57hey fraser hello ross hi mr crane what brings you here well i'm just showing dad around that he's
01:05gonna sit and listen to the show yeah it's kind of like payback for when fraser and niles were kids
01:10i used to take him to the police station and show him where i worked yes he had to make a big game of
01:15locking us in one of the cells and then pretending to lose the key
01:19i was just joking with him i knew they weren't scared well no we weren't really scared
01:25after a while we did become quite hungry
01:28hey fraser could you lend me ten bucks would you leave your wallet home or something no i gave the
01:35last of my money to this poor guy down in front of the building he's an australian tourist he lost
01:40his wallet and he just needed ten dollars so i could take a cab to the australian consulate before
01:45it closes yeah how'd you know there is no australian consulate in seattle
01:50oh that poor guy
01:54ross it's a scam he scammed you no this guy was for real honest he even said if you give me your
02:04address i'll send you the money back with interest god i'm an idiot no i don't feel bad these guys are
02:14professionals
02:15don't touch that
02:18what is this place a radio station or a nuclear missile site
02:25now listen ross don't feel bad i was a cop for 30 years and they can still fake me out once in a
02:32while now these guys are professionals they know what to do especially if you're an easy mark like
02:38ross
02:39the criminal mind is more complex than you think they can fool you by all means dad lecture me on
02:45the complexities of the human mind are you forgetting that i graduated with honors from
02:49harvard and psychosocial behaviorism
02:51i know i was at your graduation impressive bunch a car back fight and half of them wet their gowns
02:56but it sounded louder on the dais
03:01all i'm trying to say is that if it were me on the street i wouldn't have been fooled
03:07oh you think because of your book smarts that you can spot a crook just like that huh
03:12well if i can't i'm in the wrong business
03:14you want to put your money where your mouth is
03:17oh what do you mean
03:19well i got three people coming over for poker tonight
03:22two of them are cops
03:23the third one's done time in jail
03:25i'll bet you five bucks you can't tell which one's the ex-con
03:29hey can i get him on the action
03:31no of course you can
03:32great ten bucks on your dad
03:34oh you're just itching to give your money away today aren't you
03:39all right you're both on
03:41and i think you're underestimating me
03:42what troubles are to pigs
03:44and so are these shotatons and pettifoggers to my mental acuity
03:47we didn't know better back then
03:52his mother smoked during pregnancy
03:55so who are these people coming over tonight
04:07oh just some of dad's old friends from the precinct
04:09yeah well if we're having company someone should have been cleaned up
04:13because someone hasn't been smelling so fresh lately
04:18because someone is long overdue for a tub
04:21hey i took a shower this morning
04:23you know i was talking about eddie
04:28he's long overdue for a
04:29don't say that word
04:31what word
04:32b-a-t-h
04:34when he yawns it may smell like swamp gas but his spelling's improving
04:43i've made meatballs sandwiches pepperoni pizzas and uh little sausage rolls
04:55will you be needing anything else
04:56the number of the nearest gastroenterologist
04:58hey guys come on in
05:02yeah these are my poker pals
05:04this is linda
05:05frank and jimmy
05:06this is my son fraser
05:07see you frank
05:08jimmy
05:09just uh
05:10throw your coats on the couch
05:12and hard to tell isn't it
05:20they all look like they did time
05:22well my dad tells me he's filled you in on our little bit
05:28now the ground rules for tonight are
05:31that i'm not allowed to ask you any questions directly about your line of work
05:34but whatever questions i do ask
05:36you must answer truthfully
05:38all i want to do is play cards
05:41great place you got here mom
05:43thanks
05:44actually it's mine
05:45oh you must do pretty well on that radio show of yours
05:49what is this place about 2,000 square feet
05:51yeah bro
05:52that's interesting you notice the space
05:59most people usually mention the view or the high ceilings but you
06:03you mention the space
06:05it's almost as if you spent some time living in a cramped confining tight area
06:11so you've been to jimmy's apartment huh
06:13hello there
06:16oh hi daphne
06:18this is daphne moon
06:19these are my friends
06:20linda frank jimmy
06:22that's a very pretty name
06:25do people call you daffy for short
06:27not twice
06:29well it's nice to meet all of you
06:35here you go i've got beers for everyone
06:37still drinking the ballantines i see
06:40yeah when you kick off that company's going down the tombs
06:44oh yeah
06:45many's the time i come home
06:47see cans of them lined up
06:48one after another on the coffee table
06:51like little tin soldiers
06:52yeah thanks a lot daphne
06:53don't you have a dog to wash
06:55well i suppose i do
06:58of course i have to catch the little bugger first
07:00maybe one of these would help
07:04hey beer's not good for dogs
07:06no but it's super for me
07:08hey marty she's pretty nice
07:12yeah and sexy too you dirty old man
07:15interesting
07:18you'll find her attractive
07:24sure don't you
07:35yes but i mean
07:36attraction to one's own sex is
07:39a not uncommon result of long enforced periods of time
07:42spent exclusively in their company
07:45well frazier i may have underestimated you
07:51really
07:51yeah you're making a bigger jackass of yourself than i thought
07:54high card deals
07:58you know we could really use some music
08:00anybody play the harmonica
08:02all right my deal
08:09dollar rating is stuck
08:11five card draw
08:12jacks are better to open
08:14and the three rays maximum
08:16you sure you don't want to play fresh
08:18oh no no no i'll just take this time to observe the triumvirate
08:22i will use my considerable education my years of study and not to mention what
08:26well all right let's say it
08:28my my god-given gift to intuit
08:32this is the kid used to get his head flush in the toilet right
08:37all right
08:47i call
08:48what do you got
08:49full boat aces up
08:52damn it that's another one
08:54i'm losing my shirt here
08:56would somebody mind giving me a hand with the coffee
09:00yeah i'll give you a hand
09:02come along then
09:03i really like your accent where are you from
09:06manchester
09:07manchester that's where the beatles are from right
09:10oh no no no you're thinking liverpool
09:12then who's from manchester
09:14no one
09:15that's why i'll leave you now
09:17you've been awfully quiet there
09:22i'm sorry dad just been observing
09:24no no don't apologize it was a compliment
09:26well frank's an interesting study isn't he
09:32temper loner a bit unsocial
09:35almost a stereotypical portrait of a man who spent his entire life behind bars
09:42this dish of the leek or a steuben
09:44he had no spots open in the prison laundry
09:50he worked in fine china and glassware
09:52well here you go big winner
10:00buy yourself something pretty and frilly
10:03sorry frank i can't hear you
10:08i got your money stuck in my ears
10:10well i guess there's only one thing left
10:15how about it frage
10:17you figure it out yet
10:18actually i believe i have
10:21shall we step into the drawing room
10:24please have a seat
10:27okay
10:29sherlock
10:29you got center stage
10:31well
10:32i have sketched an accurate psychological profile of each one of you
10:38and in so doing i have come to the incontrovertible conclusion
10:42that the criminal among us
10:45can only be
10:47frank
10:49wrong
10:50frank's a highly decorated undercover cop
10:52exactly
10:53just a little too obvious you know
11:00the broken vocabulary
11:03jailhouse
11:04power
11:05the underdeveloped social skills
11:07hey
11:07so you tried to use psychology against me did you
11:11threw a gender bender at me
11:13thinking that i would just assume that a felon would naturally be a man
11:17well i'm on to your little game mister
11:19the criminal among us is indeed
11:22the very wily linda
11:23nope
11:24jimmy
11:25you're right
11:30jimmy
11:30jimmy
11:31jimmy
11:32jimmy
11:32you seem like such a nice guy
11:34i am a nice guy
11:35he was voted most congenial in a cell block
11:38sorry doc
11:41i'm afraid you owe your old man five bucks
11:43yeah i'm afraid i do
11:45oh
11:46we'll probably use this
11:49well it's been a lot of laughs
11:54but it's getting late
11:55we better get going
11:56yeah you're right
11:57thanks for that marty
11:58oh yeah
11:59it's great
11:59it was very pleasant
12:00you all come again anytime you like
12:02hopefully when we're here of course
12:04good night marty
12:10see ya
12:11next week
12:11good night
12:12jimmy
12:17boy
12:17what a thought
12:19how do you even know that guy did
12:21oh he was a jailhouse snitch
12:23he helped us out a couple of times
12:25oh
12:26he's great company
12:27but i wouldn't trust him for a second
12:29if he wasn't surrounded by cops
12:30who was a jailhouse snitch
12:32jimmy
12:33jimmy's an ex-con
12:35well you certainly proved your point
12:37i
12:38feel stupid as hell
12:40i feel rather a fool myself
12:42why would you care one way or another
12:44because
12:45i've agreed to go out with jimmy
12:48tomorrow night
12:49you did what
12:50he asked if i'd like to go out for drinks with him to a place called the topaz room
12:56meet some of his friends
12:58it sounded harmless enough
12:59why it's out of the question
13:01you're gonna have to call him and cancel
13:03but you said yourself
13:04he was willing to spend time with
13:06i said
13:07do time with
13:08no
13:10no
13:10you
13:11you just can't go
13:12that's all there is to it
13:13case closed
13:14excuse me dad
13:15if i can interrupt that self-righteous police mentality for a second
13:18don't you believe in second chances
13:20i did
13:21then we had niles
13:22well i believe that when a man has paid his debt to society he deserves a fresh start
13:31i see no harm in her going out with him once
13:33well i do
13:34she's not going
13:35i say she is
13:35i say she isn't
13:36she is
13:37she is
13:37she is
13:38she is
13:39gentlemen
13:40but might i interject one tiny little thought into this conversation
13:44of course definitely
13:45belt up
13:46both of you
13:47it may have escaped your notice but i happen to be a grown woman
13:52and nobody has told me whom i might or might not date since i was a school girl
13:57and i didn't listen then
13:59now when i've quite made up my man what's a plan to do about jimmy
14:03i'll let you know
14:05but right now i'm going to my room
14:07you two hens have wasted enough of my time
14:10that would have been a very dramatic exit if only her room was down that hall
14:29i still don't think she should be going out with that guy
14:37oh don't worry she won't
14:38how do you know
14:39well because she has too much respect for your opinion
14:41she won't go against your wishes if i'm any judge of character
14:44oh dear god
14:46what can i get you
14:52uh i'll have a decaf latte and please be sure to use skim milk
14:57i'll have the same
14:58got it
14:59two godless wonders
15:01thank you
15:06certainly playing fast and loose with his tips for a man who drives a van
15:11oh oh oh oh oh freder
15:17how was your encounter with dad's poker buddies last night
15:22i must tell you
15:23the picture of you trying to make conversation with dad's blue-collar cronies all evening
15:27is priceless
15:28when i told maris about it it was all she could do to keep her eyes from dancing
15:32actually it was really rather interesting you know
15:37you know one of them actually did time in prison for fraud
15:40good lord what was he like
15:43actually it's quite personal
15:44you know dad he's so judgmental
15:47he is and i've often condemned him for it
15:49for some reason you know just because the man was in prison
15:56it seems to have marked him for life
15:58it's ridiculous
15:59not all criminals are recidivists
16:01i've seen many cases where
16:02after they've paid their debt to society
16:05they've gone on to lead productive liars
16:07dad's just being narrow-minded
16:09yes i almost had a sedate him when daphne announced she was going to go out with him
16:13fraser i hope you're just yanking my giggle chain
16:25what do you mean
16:30you're telling me that you're letting this delicate english rose be sullied by some sociopath
16:35niles he passed bad checks he's not a sociopath
16:40he's a degenerate who should be put away forever
16:42you haven't even made it
16:43oh for god's sake they're all depraved animals
16:45where's your car thing anything else
16:48yes the check please and quickly
16:50fraser we've got to rescue her
16:51oh niles niles just sit down and relax
16:54for god's sakes you're being irrational
16:55don't you dare call me irrational
16:57you know that makes me crazy
16:59now niles
17:03niles listen i think jimmy's a perfectly nice guy
17:08and besides daphne can take care of herself
17:10i don't care i'm going after her
17:12i'm not without resources
17:13my taekwondo instructor tells me i'm just two moves away from becoming quite threatening
17:18niles
17:25just listen to me for a second
17:27you know perfectly well she'll resent any interference
17:29now you want to make a fool of yourself go right ahead but don't ask me to join you
17:33that's fine just tell me where they went
17:35some place called the uh the topaz room
17:38the topaz room
17:39i thought the cops shut that place down after the last shooting
17:43i'll drive
17:44i'll drive
17:44you're shut girlie
17:50you're shut girlie
18:04but before you take that shot why don't we make this a little more interesting
18:14all you have to do to win is uh run those last five balls
18:19so what do you say we double our bet
18:21oh well i might as well
18:24i never really have understood this game
18:27i never understood it
18:31when i started playing with me older brothers
18:34at the age of six
18:36and i never understood it
18:39during all my formative years
18:41spent mostly in the pool pools of manchester
18:45playing in local competitions and club tournaments
18:51winning cup after cup after cup
18:58until our poor dad had to convert the pantry
19:02into a trophy room
19:04and i can't really claim to understand it
19:10eight ball in the far corner
19:12even today
19:15but i certainly do enjoy it
19:21thank you gentlemen
19:26and now if you'll excuse me
19:29i'm going to attempt to use the ladies room
19:32without touching anything
19:33look at this place
19:49i never felt so conspicuous in my life
19:52we must simply try to blend in
19:54fortunately
19:55fortunately i haven't shaved in several hours
20:01you should loosen your tie
20:05yes you might try tucking in your watch fob
20:08that happens to be a phi beta kappa key
20:11oh well then by all means let it dangle
20:13perhaps i have a local chapter
20:14actually this is quite stimulating
20:21in a lower depths sort of way
20:23and i've always been something
20:25for squalor above
20:26no the only problem is
20:28i don't see uh
20:29i don't see daphne or jimmy
20:31excuse me
20:38has a young woman been in here this evening
20:47approximately five foot nine and three quarters
20:50with skin the color of devonshire cream
20:52and the sort of eyes that gaze directly into one's soul
20:56with neither artifice nor evasion
20:57well this would be an english woman named daphne
21:05woman named daphne
21:06oh yeah the one that came in with jimmy right
21:08but she was over there shooting pool a minute ago
21:11i think she stepped in the back
21:13what happened to jimmy
21:14he tried to get fresh with her
21:16she threw a hammerlock on him
21:18and ran him out of here
21:19that day he can take care of herself
21:22see i told you so
21:23it was good riddance too
21:24guy was no good
21:26i knew it the first time i saw him
21:29you can always tell
21:30come on now it's a great little walk in the wild side
21:37let's get out of here
21:37what about daphne
21:38oh come on you heard what she did to jimmy
21:41think how mad she'll be if she should find us here
21:43you're right
21:44best make ourselves scared
21:46oh good lord there she is
21:47oh god i'm sorry
21:51what the hell are you doing
21:52i'm sorry i was just trying to
21:54maybe miss that shot
21:56i'm sorry
21:57i had 200 bucks writing on that shot
21:59really sorry
22:01where do you think you're going
22:05uh i'll be back i was just going to put another quarter in the meter
22:08the meters don't run at night
22:11and neither do you
22:12oh that is a rather amusing play on words
22:16you're a regular george s kaufman
22:17we must tell our friends about this place
22:19you owe me 200 dollars
22:22well uh i'd gladly pay you
22:24but i i don't have that kind of cash on me
22:27even if he did it would be absurd
22:28to bring it into a place like this
22:30you know with the kind of element
22:31that you have run into
22:32maybe i could uh write you a check
22:35my element don't take checks
22:37i think maybe we should take these guys outside
22:41and wise them up
22:43oh i don't really think that's necessary at all
22:45oh my goodness
22:46what are you two doing here
22:49we might ask you the same thing
22:51this happens to be one of our favorite haunts
22:54actually maris and i had our rehearsal dinner here
23:00place was different then
23:04it was more of a garden room
23:05and there was a trellis over there with the bar
23:07shut up niles
23:08you followed me didn't you
23:11oh daphne we were worried about you
23:14excuse me lady
23:15but it seems like your friends can't seem to come up with the 200 they owe me
23:20so i'm gonna have to uh
23:21pardon my french
23:23beat the crap out of them
23:25i'm a psychiatrist
23:27maybe we could take this out in sessions
23:29you know it seems you have some control
23:30outside
23:31wait
23:32i have money
23:35how do you like to go for double or nothing sport
23:38on what
23:40well
23:41you look like a betting man
23:43i'll wager
23:45i can sink these five balls with a single shot
23:50if i do
23:52these boys are square
23:53if i miss
23:54you double your money
23:56hey
23:57i don't mind taking your money
23:59but i was kind of looking forward to pulping this guy
24:03yeah well
24:03we will quibble
24:05if i miss you can pulp him
24:07tell you what
24:09i'm feeling generous tonight
24:12i'll throw in the little one as well
24:14what do you mean by that throw in the little one
24:16and what in god's name is pulping
24:18you're on
24:22okay
24:25but just to make sure this is on the up and up
24:28let's use six balls
24:30instead of sinking all five with one shot
24:33how about sinking all six
24:37do that and i'll uh
24:39forget the 200 bucks
24:42fair enough
24:45need a bit of chalk for me to you
24:56does it matter in what order i make
25:10Daphne
25:11hey lady
25:14if you make any of them
25:15it'll be a miracle
25:16right
25:19well
25:20here goes nothing
25:24what's going to happen
25:27here's the thing
25:29i've seen
25:34so
25:37you
25:38i've seen
25:38so
25:43as
25:43i've seen
25:44you
25:45i've seen
25:45you
25:45the thing
25:46the thing
25:47i've seen
25:47you
25:48i've seen
25:49you
25:50the thing
25:51and i've seen
25:51you
25:51and i've seen
25:51you
25:51so
25:52Run for it!
26:22Hey baby, I hear the blues are calling
26:27Tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:30Quite stylish
26:32And maybe I seem a bit confused
26:36Yeah, maybe, but I got your pranks
26:39Ha, ha, ha, ha
26:41But I don't know what to do with those
26:44Tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:47They're calling again
26:51Scrambled eggs all over my face
26:56What is a boy to do?
27:01Good night, everybody!