Taskmaster AU S04 E05
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00:00That's a shocking start.
00:04Tom!
00:12Yep, that's it.
00:14Where's Tom?
00:22No!
00:24I hate you.
00:27Let me out of here!
00:30Hello, welcome to Taskmaster.
00:40It's the wordy bit at the beginning of the show where I can say whatever the hell I want
00:45because most of you still haven't unmuted it from the ads yet.
00:48And that's why I'd like to say that I endorse the consumption of breast milk well into teenagehood,
00:53maybe even adulthood.
00:56Let's start the show.
00:57Jogging for my golden head trophy, which previous winners have described as a burden on baggage allowance,
01:03it's Dave Hughes.
01:05Emma Holland.
01:07Emma Holland.
01:09Lisa McKeown.
01:11Takashi Wakasugi.
01:13And Tommy Little.
01:15Hello!
01:17And next to me it's the guy who told me he thinks that him and Duke Nukem would be boys.
01:24It's Tom Cashman.
01:30Let's have a prize task please.
01:32That's right, our first task is a prize task.
01:34Each of our contestants have brought in a prize and the winner of tonight's episode will take home all five of those prizes.
01:39Tonight our contestants have been asked to bring in what they consider to be the most frustrating thing to be left on a desert island with.
01:45Alright, Emma, what have you got?
01:47Uh, a train replacement bus.
01:49So train replacement bus, you're on a desert island and there's that.
01:55Yeah, I imagine you're like hungry, like starving, thirsty, angry, like what is going to make that situation even more frustrating is...
02:05Okay, so it could have also just been a bus.
02:10No, but it's replacing the train.
02:12Oh, okay.
02:15But there is no train because you're on a desert island.
02:17Exactly, that's why the bus is there.
02:24Alright, Tommy.
02:25It's my gym membership.
02:29Because I think if all I had was that, I'd not only be trapped on a desert island,
02:33but every week I'd go, well, that's another $21.
02:38So you're just upset at the inefficiency and how it's affecting your budget.
02:42But also, I can't do literally anything with it.
02:45Like I've got a fob that gives me access to over a hundred locations around Australia.
02:52And I'm nowhere near any of it.
02:55Okay, it is pretty frustrating because you could use a replacement bus as shelter.
02:58Or you could also use it as a bus.
03:00I don't even know why we have to use the bus as other things at this point.
03:05Have you tried to get shelter under a fob?
03:07No, but Tommy, Tommy, you could shove that up your arse quite easily.
03:15How dare you think I haven't already?
03:17Uh, Waka, what about you?
03:21I bought a toilet.
03:23Not toilet.
03:24Airplane toilet.
03:26So you crash in a desert island, an airplane, and you find a toilet.
03:31And it is good, you know?
03:32Oh, you can use the toilet.
03:34But, airplane toilet, you have to listen the noise.
03:38Oh.
03:39That's frustration, do you think?
03:49To be honest, the noise hasn't really bothered me.
03:51You particularly don't like the noise.
03:53Too strong, do you think?
03:55But that sound is only cause of the vacuum effect from being at high altitude.
03:59If it's just on a desert island, it'll make no noise at all.
04:01It'll just go like this.
04:02So you don't have to worry.
04:05That's another frustration, because maybe I might miss the noise.
04:12Alright, okay, Dave.
04:14Yes.
04:15My object of frustration is a video camera, which I purchased about 15 years ago,
04:22and I never worked out how to use it, so I thought I'd bring it in,
04:25and, yeah, so that's why it's here.
04:27So...
04:30But you haven't worked out how to use it,
04:32and I reckon the reason why is because you haven't had enough spare time
04:35because you're so busy with your job.
04:36Yeah.
04:37You're on a desert island, you've got all the time in the world,
04:39I reckon you'd have plenty of time to work it out.
04:41Yeah, I know, but...
04:42Which would not be frustrating, it'd be satisfying.
04:44Yeah, but I wouldn't have electricity, so...
04:46It's got a battery.
04:51Yeah, but I would have forgotten to charge it before I came to the island.
04:54So, Lisa, what would you be frustrated at being left on a desert island with?
04:59A book with very, very small print.
05:03I now need glasses to read books,
05:05and I figured without my glasses I'd have a book, I'd have time,
05:09and I wouldn't be able to read it.
05:10That's very frustrating.
05:12Really frustrating.
05:13See, what I'm seeing is 150 pages of kindling.
05:16Yeah.
05:17Yeah.
05:18Or toilet paper.
05:19Lisa, I don't want to ask too personal questions,
05:21but wouldn't you just go in the water?
05:23I know.
05:24That's all the time.
05:25You know, like if you're fishing there and you see your floater go...
05:28I mean, there's so many issues with that.
05:30Yeah, but also, if someone rocks up and they find treasure island pages covered in shit,
05:35that's not a great walk either.
05:36But you're not going to leave it lying around.
05:38You'd bury it.
05:39Where are you going to put it?
05:40It's where the treasure comes in.
05:41All right, well, I'd better hand out some scores.
05:46Well, I think one has to go to Emma straight away,
05:50because you've got a whole replacement bus on the island.
05:52You can drive it, as Tommy pointed out, or you can sort of sleep in it.
05:55Then I'm going to say two points to Waka for the toilet,
05:58because, again, it can still be useful,
05:59and he's not going to be annoyed by that noise.
06:01Then I go three points to Lisa,
06:04because it's very frustrating not to be able to read the book,
06:07but still the pages can have other uses.
06:09A flat video camera is very useless.
06:11Four points to Husey,
06:12but a plastic tag that can't be used for anything at all,
06:15extremely frustrating.
06:16So five points to Tommy Little!
06:22OK, Tomber, frustrate me with a recorded task, please.
06:27This next task I didn't like at the start, but then I did like it,
06:29but then I didn't like it again at the end.
06:45So scared always.
06:47Hi, Tom.
06:48Hi, Mum.
06:49Oh, it's so nice in here.
06:51What's this?
06:52It's a ball.
06:53A yellow ball.
06:56Can I open the tusks?
06:58Yes, please.
06:59All right.
07:02Stress out, Tom.
07:04You have seven minutes.
07:06Your time starts now.
07:18Is that stressful?
07:19Kind of.
07:20No, I think you're too heavy.
07:29I think we're going to have to start whacking your ears.
07:32This is what we need.
07:33Oh, you've got a pocket knife.
07:35Now, the lake is in front of you.
07:36So you just go slow.
07:37Yep, that's it.
07:46Together.
07:48You're not stressed.
07:49I'm not sure exactly how I feel.
07:51How long do I have?
07:52Three minutes and ten minutes remaining.
07:53All right, go for a run.
07:54Go for a run.
07:55Go for a run.
07:56Thomas!
08:02Oh!
08:03I have one more plan.
08:04Okay.
08:05I'm holding.
08:06Mm-hmm.
08:07Do you trust me?
08:08Um, kind of.
08:09On the count of five.
08:10One, two.
08:11Ooh!
08:12It's quite substantial.
08:13You ready?
08:14No.
08:15What?
08:16Okay, and...
08:17Oh, my goodness.
08:18So that was the idea.
08:19This is like GTA 4.
08:20Okay, ready?
08:21I'm stressed now.
08:22You're stressed?
08:23And also, I run out my ideas.
08:24Okay.
08:25So...
08:26Oh, my goodness.
08:27Oh, my goodness.
08:28So that was the idea.
08:29This is like GTA 4.
08:30Okay, ready?
08:31I'm stressed now.
08:32You're stressed?
08:33And also, I run out my ideas.
08:34Okay.
08:35So...
08:36I run out my ideas.
08:37Okay.
08:38So, we just keep doing.
08:40Okay.
08:4136 seconds.
08:42I'm gonna key your car.
08:43It's not my car.
08:44It's a higher car.
08:45I'm gonna key the higher car.
08:46Oh, no.
08:50Are you okay?
08:51I'm okay.
08:52I went from tickling to waterboarding.
08:54Are you feeling at all stressed?
08:56Kind of confused.
08:57Okay, drive again.
09:00Hello.
09:01Time's up.
09:02Oh, God.
09:03Oh, don't do that.
09:04Relax, Tom.
09:05Tom's heart rate is being measured.
09:06Biggest difference between stress and relax, Tom wins.
09:19You have seven minutes.
09:21Your time starts now.
09:23Okay, so Tommy, I thought the job was to stress him out, not to arouse him.
09:35I think tickling is the most stressful, because you can't hit the person because it's seen as a joyous activity.
09:42Yeah.
09:43And so you're laughing, but you're actually choking to get air in.
09:46And when I then moved to waterboarding, I noticed, Cashman, you were actually a lot more comfortable,
09:53because you knew where my hands were, and they were out of tickling distance.
09:57When I started getting waterboarded, my heart rate was 69 BPM, and by the end, 61.
10:08Tommy's tickling got me to 104 BPM.
10:11Oh!
10:12All right, so Lisa, you were thinking it was going to stress him out if he had to drive without being able to see where he could go.
10:18Yeah, originally I wanted to be on the roof, but I wasn't allowed on the roof, because I thought if that would add danger,
10:23and that was a little bit too much for my safety.
10:26My peak heart rate during Lisa's was when you were arguing with the director.
10:30Are you serious?
10:33Lisa was adamant that she'd get on the roof.
10:36And the director and a producer were trying to say, no, during that kind of tension of not knowing what's got,
10:43my heart rate got to 100 BPM.
10:45Emma, you just, it was like you were trying to incite fight or flight, you just chased him.
10:51Yeah, it was such a natural instinct on my part.
10:54You gave me an opportunity to chase him with a baseball bat and I took it.
10:58Well, what did it do to your BPM?
11:00Emma got me to 140 BPM.
11:02So Dave got me to 85 BPM.
11:09Lisa got me to 100.
11:10Tommy got me to 104.
11:11Waka got me to 105.
11:13And Emma got me to 140 BPM.
11:19Okay, time for a quick update here.
11:21We're not going to do much other than tickle lesser Tom.
11:24Hello, welcome back to Taskmaster.
11:40It's our halfway point of the season.
11:42That's right.
11:43And our contestants have just been trying to stress me out.
11:45Little did they know my heartbeat was being measured and now they have to try to relax me.
11:48Biggest drop in my heart rate wins.
11:50Let's see how much they can lower it.
11:52Our contestants face the ultimate challenge, trying to get me to relax.
11:56I think we need to get you lying down.
11:58Okay.
11:59Bo, do you want to jump over and take a seat here?
12:00Okay.
12:01Please lay down.
12:03Oh, thank you.
12:04You just relax in the sunshine.
12:07We work some stuff out with your hair and that's, that's, you know what the thing about that, it's fixable Tom.
12:11Mmm.
12:12But what I'm saying, I really want to get that nose hair down.
12:17You walk in to the rental car office, calm knowing that the car is fine.
12:21No, it's okay.
12:22I'm not going to.
12:23I promise I'm not.
12:24Just lose.
12:25Sorry about that.
12:26About what?
12:27Makes you stress.
12:28Oh.
12:29Now you're free.
12:30I know that this might increase your heart rate and it's poor but maybe I'm going to do it.
12:35I can feel it.
12:36A woman speaks to you at the front desk.
12:37She hands you over a fully working iPad to rate your experience.
12:39There's no apps on there except the one you need.
12:40No apps.
12:41Do you want apps on there?
12:42Yeah.
12:43There is Temple Run on the iPad.
12:44I'll be someone else.
12:45Hang on.
12:46Oh yeah.
12:47Hang on.
12:48Hang on.
12:49Hello.
12:50Who's it?
12:51Oh who's that?
12:52Um.
12:53Lady.
12:54Fingers.
12:55Is it the first time I'm here big boy?
12:56Yes it is.
12:57Raindrops.
12:58Beautiful.
12:59You've got lovely skin Tom.
13:00Oh thank you.
13:01It's very nice.
13:02You're relaxed isn't it?
13:03Uh.
13:04Oh.
13:05It's a bit tickly.
13:06You're so sensitive.
13:07On the count of five.
13:08Oh.
13:09That's not good for that.
13:10Is it?
13:11Oh.
13:12Oh.
13:13Oh.
13:14Oh.
13:15Oh.
13:16Oh.
13:17Oh.
13:18Oh.
13:19Oh.
13:20Oh.
13:21Oh.
13:22Oh.
13:23Oh.
13:24Oh.
13:25Oh.
13:26Oh.
13:28Oh.
13:33you said your heart was racing, because you've just been waterboarded and tickled.
13:39It's this forcibly slow that down.
13:41Are you feeling a little bit relaxed?
13:42Like.
13:43I'm a bit uncomfortable.
13:45Oh no.
13:46It's not good.
13:47I can see your heart beat.
13:49You think?
13:50Hard to see you.
13:51The sun's kind of directly in my eyes.
13:53That's if I reassured a guy was I learned.
13:56That's actually quite helpful.
13:58Oh, all right. Don't move. Don't move.
14:00OK.
14:02We need to work on your personal grooming.
14:06It's too late for me. Yeah.
14:08My horse has bolted.
14:10And you know, I give happy endings,
14:12and there's nothing more happy than...
14:14A little tickle! A little tickle! A little tickle!
14:16A little tickle!
14:18Is that it? Mm-hmm.
14:20Shall I snap? It's quite an uncomfortable position, actually.
14:23Well, you could have told me that.
14:26APPLAUSE
14:30I felt like a lot of you started well
14:32and then you sabotaged yourselves a little bit.
14:34Like, Waka, you were getting lesser time to be very relaxed.
14:38Yeah. But then you started to massage him
14:40and it kind of made it worse. Massage is good, relax, but...
14:43It just... You called me sensitive.
14:45I think the correct word is traumatised.
14:48So, Hughes, you used that well-known relaxing technique
14:52of holding plies very close to someone's face.
14:55Yeah, I lost focus on the task at hand
14:59and was more focused on making you a better person.
15:01So, and I really gripped hard on those nose hairs
15:04and they came out and it was satisfying for me.
15:07Was it satisfying for you?
15:08Satisfying?
15:09Yeah.
15:10But when you...
15:11We all know, when you pull a nose hair out, it hurts and your eyes water,
15:14but afterwards there's a...
15:16Ahhhh.
15:17I felt the first two.
15:19LAUGHTER
15:20So, Emma, what was your approach?
15:21I think it was like a meditation.
15:23It was a meditation but also a bit of a role play.
15:25Oh, I'd... I'd prefer if you didn't call it that.
15:28LAUGHTER
15:29Well, actually, I think you hit upon something that was very effective
15:34that no-one else thought up.
15:36You left him alone.
15:37That's right, I did.
15:38I think I asked you at one point,
15:40would it be better if I left and you said yes?
15:42OK, well, I feel like we need to find out your heart rate.
15:45That's right, and I'm going to give you the difference
15:47between the stress and the relaxed times.
15:50Dave's reduction was 19 BPM.
15:52Unsurprising, seeing he just kept pulling hairs out of my head.
15:55LAUGHTER
15:56Tommy, aka Ladyfingers, got my heart rate down 29 BPM.
16:00Lisa reduced it 31 with her unsettling massage.
16:03Waka's reduction was 41 BPM,
16:05but Emma, with her genius method of just leaving me be,
16:08reduced it 63 beats per minute.
16:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
16:14So that means one point goes to Dave,
16:16two to Tommy, three to Lisa, four to Waka,
16:18but Emma wins the task with five points.
16:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
16:23I'll also give you an idea of the episode scores.
16:25It's incredibly tight,
16:26but Tommy is in the lead with seven points.
16:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
16:30And what about our series score
16:32as we near the halfway point of our season?
16:35Well, we've got Dave and Lisa at the back
16:37on 54 points apiece,
16:38but Emma is in the lead with 73 points at the moment.
16:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
16:43OK, give us another one, schnooky bear.
16:47We're going back to a time when puberty was all the rage.
16:50Hi Tom.
17:04Hi Lisa.
17:05It's a iPod here.
17:06It's a bit old iPod.
17:07Ooh, iPod.
17:08I'm familiar with what's in front of me.
17:11This is the piece of technology which lied to us more than anything else in history.
17:20It claimed to have something called anti-skip technology
17:23and it did not work.
17:25And you had to sit if you're on public transport
17:27and you yourself had to be the gyroscope.
17:30I have two questions to ask you.
17:32What was your favourite slang word when you were 13?
17:34Grouse.
17:36Probably cool.
17:37Chilax.
17:38Was a...
17:39KY.
17:40It means you cannot read air.
17:43What was your favourite musical genre when you were 13 years old?
17:46Music theatre and spandau ballet.
17:48Simon and Garfunkel.
17:49Folk rock.
17:50Hip hop.
17:51Rock and roll.
17:52Indie rock.
17:53New metal and Linkin Park.
17:54Don't do this to me.
17:55Yeah, OK.
17:57Yep.
17:58Write a song for your 13-year-old self.
18:03Your song must incorporate your just-stated slang word.
18:07Musical genre.
18:08Song that reveals most about your 13-year-old self wins.
18:13You have 45 minutes.
18:15Your time starts now.
18:17What were you like when you were 13?
18:19That was kind of like discovering boys.
18:21I was the school captain.
18:23Now I think about it, I may have been a narcissist.
18:27I was pimply and awkward.
18:29And greasy.
18:30Every night my mum would give me bud.
18:33Which never failed to improve my mood.
18:36Drummer standard can be anything.
18:38Just the most lowest.
18:40Drums are the worst instrument.
18:41Yeah.
18:42Are you aware that the Taskmaster plays drums?
18:44Tom Gerson?
18:48Sorry about that.
18:53So, we've got to get to the bottom of a waka.
18:57K-Y.
18:58K means kuki.
18:59Kuki means air.
19:00And Y means yomenai means cannot read.
19:03Cannot read air or situations.
19:05So, like, can't read the room?
19:07Yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:08Oh, so someone just walks into a room, pisses everyone off.
19:10Yeah.
19:11I believe he's K-Y.
19:12So, like, Josh Thomas?
19:18Maybe.
19:19Well, yeah, I just wanted to help people at home understand.
19:22I love that he's not here and he's still your least favourite.
19:26Alright, it's always exciting to see
19:28if we've got any musical talent amongst our bunch.
19:31Any early hints, Lesser Tom?
19:33Um, I couldn't possibly say.
19:35First up, we're going back to 2008,
19:37singing about what's up in the genre of nu metal.
19:40It's Emma Holland.
19:41Wait, I don't want to watch this.
19:43I was 13 in 2008 and my parents enrolled me in an equestrian course.
19:54I didn't really like it and every girl there eventually got kicked by a horse.
19:58Not me though.
19:59I wore crocs to school every day and I never washed them and they smelt bad.
20:04So I put spray deodorant in the soles and I thought that made me really rad.
20:09I had blue streaks in my hair.
20:12Global warming made me scared.
20:14I had not hit puberty.
20:17America did not vote for Mitt Romney.
20:192008, what a year.
20:21The Olympics were in Beijing.
20:24So I'd like to say what's up to those involved in the anti-doping operational stings.
20:302008, what a year.
20:32The Olympics were in Beijing.
20:35And I was too dead inside to watch them,
20:37but I'm sure the results were really thrilling.
20:40What's up?
20:49I truly believe there is nothing worse in this world than being cringe,
20:53and I include domestic terrorism in that.
20:56Okay.
20:57Was that an easy watch, Emma, for you?
20:59That was the hardest moment of my life.
21:02So, just to be clear, as talented as you seem to be musically,
21:08it doesn't really matter.
21:09What we're looking for is who reveals the most about their 13-year-old self.
21:14Most revealed about your 13-year-old self wins.
21:16So we're kind of actually looking for revelations.
21:18Just first up, 2008, Mitt Romney didn't win because he wasn't on the ticket.
21:22I know.
21:23I know.
21:24It was Barack Obama versus John McCain.
21:26So that wasn't really a revelation.
21:27I know.
21:28That was a distortion of the truth.
21:29I realized ten minutes after I recorded it,
21:31and I knew you'd bring it up,
21:32and I was going to prepare something to say, and I didn't.
21:36Yeah, a bit like Mitt Romney in the debate.
21:39I need to know more about this.
21:40Every girl I know was kicked by a horse.
21:42Yeah.
21:43Every girl I knew at horse riding got kicked at some point.
21:46So what were they?
21:47Were they supposed to walk close to the horse when you walked behind it?
21:49Yeah, and I think they were just being bitches, so...
21:51So everyone you knew got kicked by a horse and deserved it?
21:57Yeah.
21:59All right, so whose sing-song are we getting next?
22:02This next fella is about to go acapella,
22:04singing about KY in the style of indie rock.
22:06It's Takashi Wakasugi.
22:08You think you are smart.
22:20No, no.
22:21You think you are perfect.
22:23No, no.
22:25You think you are popular.
22:27No, no.
22:28You think you are different.
22:30No, no.
22:31But you grew up.
22:33But you changed.
22:36This world is bigger than you think.
22:41You are the KY.
22:43You are the KY.
22:47You are the KY.
22:48You are the KY.
22:49You don't know.
22:51You are the KY.
22:52You are the KY.
22:53You are the KY.
22:54You are the KY.
22:55You are the KY.
22:56You will know.
22:57You will know.
23:08So drums, they're not so easy, are they?
23:10I'm so sorry about that.
23:11I respect you now more than anything.
23:13I'm very bad at music.
23:17But that was a good song, do you think?
23:19Oh yeah, you definitely got the KY bit in.
23:22Can I ask, do they have KY lube in Japan?
23:26No.
23:28Oh well, it's off Hughesy's holiday list.
23:35Okay, so you certainly mentioned KY.
23:37You were being a bit KY deliberately.
23:39But I didn't really reveal that much.
23:41Not heaps.
23:42Alright, time for an ad break.
23:43Now don't spend the whole time going on about how great you are
23:46and how good you would have been at the task.
23:47There's no need to be all KY about it.
23:49See you soon.
24:03Hello, welcome back to the show where we've been having a good old-fashioned sing-along.
24:07That's right, dude.
24:08Sorry.
24:09Our contestants have been singing songs that reveal the most about their 13-year-old selves.
24:14So far we've learnt that Emma has an equine background and Waka was 13 once.
24:19Next up, in the style of the band Spandau Ballet, from when it was cool to be cool, here's Lisa McHugh.
24:26Chasing butterflies and watching clouds go by.
24:50Even though I had a stye, I noticed you.
24:57It was in an outdoor air that day.
25:02When I looked at you that way, and you sent me off my head.
25:14And this is what I said.
25:17Hold my hand, please.
25:22No need to be a tease.
25:28I'm a fool who's trying to be cool.
25:33Hold my hand, please.
25:47Chasing butterflies.
25:49It's a beautiful image of a young Lisa McKeown, I felt.
25:51I had a really simple, lovely, you know, teenage years.
25:56It was really lovely.
25:57When did you smoke your first cigarette?
25:59Fifteen.
26:00And was that the same for having a drink?
26:02Oh, I think I probably was about nine.
26:04But, like, only because you could have...
26:06Put that in the sock!
26:08But also, kids, you want to be successful, start drinking at nine!
26:13Not a can of beer or glass, but just a sip, you know, something, you know.
26:17Did you ever get in a scrag fight?
26:19No, no, I didn't.
26:20But there used to be...
26:21My house was opposite the park where all the fights were,
26:23so I used to take the injured back to my place,
26:25to the laundry and clean them up.
26:27Yeah.
26:28And she drove them back when she was 11.
26:30But I must admit, you know, I would like to thank you,
26:34because you've got a background in musical theatre,
26:35so it's just good to relax while watching your clip,
26:39because compared to the others, it was bloody beautiful.
26:42Thanks, Tom.
26:43OK, so let's hear another tune.
26:45Get ready to un-relax, everyone.
26:47Singing about grouse in the style of folk rock is Dave Hughes.
26:53I lived in a humble house, that I didn't think was grouse.
27:08My dad said it was the best place on earth, but I didn't know the worth.
27:17Every night my mum always made me put.
27:21They would never fail to improve my mood.
27:26She'd send me the shots with ciggies and pads.
27:30I'd come back with jubes and fads.
27:35The crickets wanted to be the hero.
27:39But I always end up going out for zero.
27:44Walking off head quack like a duck.
27:48I realised I shouldn't have given a f***.
27:53Because now I know the duck was golden.
27:57And I know the house was grouse.
28:02The house was grouse.
28:06Yeah.
28:08Yeah.
28:10How does it feel to watch that?
28:25Yeah, I'm really proud of that work.
28:28He leaned over to me as it was starting and went, I got this.
28:35Well, to be fair, it's got nothing to do with musical quality.
28:38It's just about how much you reveal.
28:39And in your comedy, you're constantly revealing so many truths, intimate truths about yourself.
28:44So I feel like this was right up your alley.
28:46It was right up my alley.
28:47And I grew up in a humble house, which I didn't think was grouse.
28:50But then eventually I realised it was grouse and I'm going to cry.
28:56So was there a story in there?
28:58Sorry, because I tuned out a bit in the middle.
28:59How would you describe the mud the pud put you in?
29:06It was a good mud.
29:09OK, so, I mean, it revealed heaps, which is great.
29:12And grouse got a mention.
29:13I mean, it's a pretty good result.
29:15Yeah.
29:16OK, in case someone's still watching, do we have another?
29:21Having a chillax in the genre of hip-hop music, it's Tommy Little.
29:33I'm a greasy kid.
29:34Greasy kid.
29:35I'm a greasy kid.
29:36Greasy kid.
29:37I'm a greasy kid.
29:38Just a greasy kid.
29:39I'm a greasy kid.
29:40Pimples on my face and braces in their face.
29:45Hair was greasy, so school wasn't easy.
29:47I'm 13 with no control of my cock.
29:50And next year, I'm getting dreadlocks.
29:52Sex.
29:53Well, I've had none, but that doesn't mean that I haven't .
29:57Because in my pants is where I climax.
30:00Everybody said, yo, chillax.
30:02Sitting on the bus and you're all alone, or all by yourself,
30:06except for your boner.
30:10I'm a greasy kid.
30:11With me in these pants, I'm a greasy kid.
30:14And guess what?
30:17I'm you.
30:19And you're me.
30:23And I'm out.
30:32Tommy, I feel like you poured a lot of self-loathing into that.
30:36Yeah.
30:37I really thought at the end of that, when I did it live,
30:40I'm like, that was pretty good.
30:42Well, I must say, though, it was good to see you being back on brand
30:45again with the lyrics, sitting on a bus and you're all alone,
30:48or all by yourself, except for your boner.
30:50I mean, it's the Tommy we've come to know and love.
30:55I feel like you actually revealed a lot, though.
30:58I was pretty pleased with that.
30:59It was a lot of revelation.
31:00I guess I've got to give out some scores.
31:01Yes.
31:02This is big.
31:03Husey really wants to know.
31:05All right.
31:06Because, again, music doesn't really matter.
31:07So I'm going to give...
31:08Well, it would have been nice if...
31:09Yep.
31:10Anyway.
31:12I agree.
31:13It would have been nice if people at home were entertained.
31:17But I...
31:18I mean, it would have been helpful just for our careers generally.
31:22Yep.
31:23So I'm going to give one to Waka,
31:24because I didn't really learn much at all.
31:25OK.
31:26Two to Lisa McKeown.
31:27We did learn that she used to like chasing butterflies.
31:29Three points to Tommy Little,
31:31because we learned he was a greasy kid,
31:33and a few other awkward bits and pieces.
31:35We learned heaps about Emma.
31:37Four points to Emma.
31:38But the most we learned about,
31:39in what was arguably the worst song...
31:42LAUGHTER
31:43..was Husey with Five Points.
31:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:49OK.
31:50Time now for an ad break.
31:51Go and have a quick pud.
31:53You never know.
31:54It might improve your mood.
31:55That's it.
31:56APPLAUSE
32:09Welcome back to Taskmaster,
32:10where our comedians are playing for an airplane toilet,
32:13and if they're lucky enough,
32:14the right to never hear Dave Hughes sing again.
32:18Find a way to segue to another task, please, Lesser Tom.
32:21Um, here's a task that if you had a segue,
32:24you could use it to ride to the shops,
32:26and...
32:27LAUGHTER
32:28..and buy some mugs,
32:29which is crazy,
32:30because this task is about mugs.
32:32LAUGHTER
32:48Tom Tom.
32:49How are you?
32:50I'm well.
32:51Five...something.
32:53Five...
32:54Four...
32:55Three...
32:56Two...
32:57One...
32:58LAUGHTER
33:03Ooh...
33:04Gable.
33:05LAUGHTER
33:06Sticky.
33:10Get the mugs into the bath at the top of the path.
33:13You may only take 75 steps.
33:16You must be on the path the whole time.
33:18Most unbroken mugs gotten into the bath wins.
33:22You have 13 minutes.
33:24Your time starts now.
33:31OK, sounds kind of simple.
33:33Yep.
33:34They've just got to get the mugs into the bath.
33:36Most mugs into the bath.
33:37Only unbroken mugs count.
33:38OK, I reckon we just get into some mugs in baths then.
33:41First up, he's got World's Greatest Dad written on a mug
33:43and World's Greatest Mug written on his dad.
33:45It's Dave Hughes.
33:46LAUGHTER
33:47Oh, God.
33:48Oh, God.
34:01Come on.
34:02That's two steps?
34:03That's two, yep.
34:04How far do you reckon have gone?
34:05Hmm...
34:06That's not a good...
34:08I reckon.
34:09Cheap is that.
34:10What?
34:11I've lost almost all of them already.
34:12Hmm...
34:13And I've gone...
34:14Is that two steps?
34:17That's two, yep.
34:18How far do you reckon I've gone?
34:29That's not a good...
34:30I reckon.
34:32Cheap as that.
34:34I've lost almost all of them already.
34:37And I've gone four metres maybe.
34:40I don't need this anymore, I've just realised.
34:41That's a shocking start.
34:49Mmm!
34:50I may tear one of my short hamstrings.
34:53This is easy, man.
34:56Oh, God.
34:57I can just go like this, can't I?
34:59Let's put them in there.
35:00That's right.
35:06Seven.
35:07Never give up.
35:09Okay.
35:16Husey, if that task was a song, it would sound like the song you just did before.
35:21Yeah, but I won that task, so maybe I'll win this one.
35:26Within a minute, Dave had broken 71% of the mug.
35:31Yeah, I feel like it was a shit effort, followed by a shit quote which would be put on the side of a shit mug.
35:36One thing you did nail is counting the mugs.
35:39Husey transported seven mugs successfully to the bar.
35:45All right, who's next?
35:46Next, leading us down the garden path is Lisa and Tommy.
35:49Oh, yes!
35:51It's so easy, bro.
35:58I'm just going to tape them to myself, Tom.
35:59Oh, okay.
36:00Yeah.
36:05This is good!
36:08Whoa!
36:09This is really good, bro.
36:13You know how you do some stuff and you're not that proud?
36:15Hmm.
36:15This is not one of them.
36:20Long?
36:21Eight minutes and 14 seconds.
36:23I'm going to have to leave this behind.
36:24It's time to start getting really serious.
36:27Okay, you ready?
36:29Oh!
36:29Three, four, five, six...
36:38Oh, she's breaking up.
36:55I'm the smartest man I like.
36:57Gently, gently, gently.
36:59Oh, my God.
37:04How do you feel? Like a genius?
37:06I've done something wrong, haven't I?
37:08Like what?
37:09Like, I don't know.
37:11It's the paranoia setting in.
37:18Oh, clever.
37:19So, Lisa, you did a great job carrying all those cups and mugs.
37:23Is that because as an actor, you've had to do a lot of hospo?
37:25No.
37:27I avoided that mostly, which is good.
37:28But, um, no.
37:30Yeah, take that, other actors.
37:33But I'm happy.
37:34I was really happy with the outcome of my mugs.
37:36But hang on.
37:37You used the mat that you were standing on.
37:39I mean, is that legal?
37:40What?
37:41Dave, don't.
37:42That's so unfair.
37:44First of all, I'd like to...
37:44Stay in your lane, you f***ing snitch.
37:47Thanks, Tommy.
37:49Snitchy-poo's back.
37:50Oh, mate, it's snitchy-poo.
37:52Is it legal?
37:53Using the mat was in accordance with the task.
37:56It was also legal.
37:57But thank you.
37:58Yeah, so, I mean, I feel like that's not the first time you've had to strap stuff to yourself.
38:06You were so quick to do it, I feel like you've done it before.
38:09Yeah.
38:09I used to take pints from pubs.
38:11Like, if we were leaving the pub to go to another pub, I used to put a full pint in my pocket.
38:16You could go out without spilling beer all down your jeans.
38:19Yeah.
38:20Yeah.
38:20I should explain it to you, Husey, because you don't drink.
38:22By that stage, after you've had a few drinks, you don't give a s*** anymore.
38:26If anything, the beer washes the piss away.
38:29LAUGHTER
38:30Right, so give us the stats.
38:37It's perhaps a bit of a testament to the confidence gap between the genders.
38:39Tommy, the smartest man alive, little, got 29 mugs, successfully in the bath.
38:44Lisa, I've done something wrong, haven't I, McCune, got 30 out of 30.
38:49There it is.
38:50OK, on the topic of mugs and breaks, keep yours fixed on the telly as we take one.
38:55We'll be back shortly.
38:55CHEERING
38:56CHEERING
38:57CHEERING
38:59CHEERING
39:00CHEERING
39:04CHEERING
39:06CHEERING
39:07Hello, welcome back to the televisual show formerly known as Taskmaster, which is
39:14still known as Taskmaster.
39:15LAUGHTER
39:16That's right.
39:17Currently, our contestants are trying to get as many unbroken mugs,
39:19into the bath, along the garden path.
39:21The final two mugging for the camera are Emma and Waka.
39:24And I can use any of these.
39:27If you like.
39:28I need a tape.
39:30And I don't know what's that one.
39:32This is one step.
39:35Oh!
39:38What is this?
39:40Tom's mug.
39:42I'll take the steps so you don't have to.
39:45What?
39:46So you can carry my mugs to the bath?
39:49If you ask me in the right way.
39:53I'm worried if I use any of that, something bad's going to happen.
39:57I won't ask you to help.
39:59You won't?
39:59No.
40:00OK.
40:00With this face, you're lying.
40:02I just, I don't trust this system.
40:04These are going to be heavy.
40:10Wait, wait, wait.
40:12I can use this.
40:14Like, I just put mugs here, and they walk together.
40:20OK, where do I start from?
40:21Here?
40:21You've already started.
40:22I've already started?
40:23Yeah.
40:23From where?
40:24Where you are.
40:25Like, including up there and back?
40:27Yep.
40:28Tom!
40:30How many do I have left?
40:31You've taken 23 steps.
40:42Why?
40:43There's no way.
40:46There's a bath there?
40:47You've got 12 steps left.
40:48Where's the bath?
40:49Five steps remaining.
40:50I'm not going to make it.
40:55Two more.
40:56It's impossible.
40:57One step left.
41:00Now what?
41:01You've got six minutes and ten seconds.
41:03To do what?
41:0424 seconds.
41:06I'm so annoyed because this seemed like such a good technique and I've come all this way.
41:10There's just nothing I can really do, is there?
41:13Tom, can you carry the cup to the bath, please?
41:18Oh, please, OK.
41:19I'll do it.
41:20Ten seconds.
41:21Please.
41:22Please.
41:24Be careful.
41:25Kindly.
41:26Gently.
41:32You did.
41:34I should trust your poster.
41:37This has made me so sad.
41:38I could have made it, I reckon.
41:40That's...
41:41Ah!
41:42You're a great person.
41:43I should trust.
41:46Bye, Thomas.
41:47Thanks, Emma.
42:02I can't believe I'm saying this, but Hughesy's was not the worst.
42:06That's unbelievable.
42:09I mean, this is fascinating.
42:10Really, it all came down to trust.
42:12So you were the only two to pull up the banner, but also both of you made the mistake of just
42:16not pulling the poster up all the way so you could read the part at the bottom.
42:19I just saw his face.
42:20I don't want to, you know.
42:21OK.
42:22But then when you did ask him to help, you were just polite.
42:25Yeah.
42:26And that was just luck.
42:27There's no steps there, so I can't do anything and I just ask him.
42:30Yeah, so are you saying that when you got to the end of your steps and you had nothing
42:34to lose, you thought you might as well just ask?
42:37Yeah.
42:38Whereas Emma, what the f***?
42:43Emma stood there for the whole six minutes.
42:47I'm watching that back and I'm like, oh, that poor girl is really, really stupid.
42:53OK, so it all just comes down to the number of mugs.
42:56That's right.
42:57Waka managed 11 mugs due to his last-minute politeness.
43:00Emma, like the world's shittiest dad, zero mugs.
43:04That means Emma gets one point, Dave gets two, Waka gets three, Tommy gets four, but
43:08Lisa wins the task with five points.
43:11OK.
43:13In terms of scores for the episode, it's a tight one with Waka at the bottom on
43:1710 points, Tommy only four ahead in the lead currently on 14 points.
43:21OK, take those mugs and the rest of your persons up onto the stage for the final task of the show.
43:34All right, teams are back, so we've got the aged team and the better team.
43:38Who's reading the task?
43:40The team of three, a.k.a. the better team.
43:42Ride for exactly 111 metres while sketching a sketchy sketch.
43:48One of your team-mates must be riding, all others must be sketching.
43:53You may only sketch whilst pedals are in motion.
43:56Closest to 111 metres road wins.
44:00However, if your sketch is deemed least sketchy, your difference from 111 metres will be doubled.
44:07You have 180 seconds.
44:10You're going to decide something to draw?
44:12Wait, wait.
44:13OK, A team, who will be riding the bike?
44:17I will ride the bike.
44:19B team, who will be riding the bike?
44:20Si, senor.
44:22Fantastic.
44:23Your time starts now.
44:25Can you actually, like...
44:26Sometimes you might have to go a little bit slower, Dave.
44:28Are you guys ready?
44:29Yep.
44:30One or two...
44:32Yep.
44:33That is...
44:34Go a little bit slower.
44:36Can you slow down a little bit?
44:37I'm going as slow as I can.
44:38Yep.
44:39Oh, my God, OK.
44:40How many spins has it done?
44:41I've lost count and I didn't know what it was meant to be anyway.
44:43Oh, my God.
44:44We're going way over, man.
44:45You're spinning pretty hard there.
44:47Maybe you focus on your spinning, bro.
44:50You've got to keep moving.
44:51You've got to keep moving.
44:52I am!
44:53Disqualify them!
44:54Shut up!
44:56Two minutes left.
44:57Oh, Scheichenhausen.
44:58Keep riding, Dave.
44:59Way over, man.
45:00What do you mean I'm way over?
45:01Way over.
45:02Have you seen how slow I'm riding?
45:03Dave, I don't think you're even interested in the hell that I'm going through here.
45:07You haven't asked me once.
45:09No, you've got this.
45:10You won four gold loaded for a reason.
45:12For a little bit.
45:13This is just so shit.
45:14Hang on, he's spinning like a top.
45:16I thought I needed some more mileage.
45:18Keep going, mate.
45:19There's someone chasing you.
45:2230 seconds.
45:23Can you slow down?
45:24Can you slow down?
45:25Do you have time to slow down?
45:26I'm not moving.
45:27He's not moving.
45:28Come on, Lisa.
45:29Keep going, keep going.
45:30I'm just trying to...
45:31Come on, Lisa.
45:32Four, three, three, one.
45:33I think that's...
45:34You can go.
45:35Here's the best we can do.
45:36One.
45:37Oh, my God.
45:38Yes!
45:39Oh, my God.
45:40We've won.
45:42All right.
45:43Just when a few cyclists have looked at the TV and thought,
45:47finally, someone's taking us seriously.
45:50We'll be back to look at the portraits after the break.
46:05Welcome back to Taskmaster.
46:07What's going on, Cashman?
46:08Our contestants have just done a live task
46:10where our teams sent someone for a ride on a bike
46:12of exactly 111 metres,
46:14and whilst they did so,
46:15the rest of their team sketched a sketchy sketch
46:17on a canvas attached to the back of the bike's wheel.
46:20Simple stuff.
46:21Before I reveal the distances
46:22and how close they got to 111 metres,
46:24you need to judge whose sketch was the sketchiest.
46:27OK.
46:28Can we see the sketches?
46:29All right.
46:30That's the better team.
46:31B team, better team.
46:32In this case may not be better.
46:33It's upside down.
46:34Oh.
46:37Really?
46:38Yeah.
46:39It looks pretty symmetric in both axes.
46:41No, it's upside down.
46:42Really?
46:43I think that will be the end of what you say about it.
46:45You're silencing a woman.
46:46Yes.
46:48I'm thinking maybe it's a record player.
46:51Let's see the next sketch.
46:55Oh, dear.
46:56OK.
46:58It says down the bottom where's Lance.
46:59I'm guessing Lance Armstrong.
47:00Maybe it's a tour de France.
47:01I feel like the inspiration was right in front of Lisa,
47:04which was a bike.
47:05So I think there are bicycles all over there.
47:07Oh, my God.
47:08And Lance Armstrong was very sketchy.
47:10Out of the two of them,
47:11I think Lance Armstrong is far more sketchy.
47:13Oh, my God.
47:15The A team said they were sketching Lance Armstrong
47:19injecting steroids whilst riding a bike.
47:21OK.
47:22The B team said they were going to draw the earth holding a knife.
47:26The eyes.
47:27It has like a sketchy look.
47:28That's like a smile and two eyes.
47:29And then he's got a little arm with the knife coming in.
47:30OK.
47:31He's really upset about global warming.
47:32OK.
47:33OK.
47:34So what scores do we allocate?
47:35Well, it came down to who had the sketchiest drawing.
47:37So Dave and Lisa rode 76 metres.
47:38That's 35 metres short of 111, which was your target.
47:41The B team rode 175.2 metres.
47:43That's 64 metres over 111.
47:45Yes.
47:46But then after the doubling,
47:47the B team was a sketchy look.
47:48That's a sketchy look.
47:49That's like a smile and two eyes.
47:50And then he's got a little arm with the knife coming in.
47:52OK.
47:53He's really upset about global warming.
47:55OK.
47:56So what scores do we allocate?
47:57Well, it came down to who had the sketchiest drawing.
47:59So Dave and Lisa rode 76 metres.
48:01After the doubling,
48:02you were 128 metres away.
48:05Not bad.
48:06So the A team wins.
48:08Yeah!
48:13OK.
48:14So to allocate points,
48:15I think I'll go 5-5, 2-2-2.
48:17OK.
48:20OK.
48:21And who is our winner of the episode?
48:23Waka was in last place with 12 points,
48:25and we had Emma with 13,
48:26Tommy with 16,
48:27Dave with 17,
48:28but Lisa wins the episode with 18 points!
48:31I am so genuinely shocked.
48:33I'm genuinely shocked.
48:34Congrats, Lisa.
48:35Get up on stage
48:36and claim your frustrating,
48:38desert island stuff.
48:41Well then, what have we learned?
48:42Hughesy taught us he had a grouse house.
48:45And right now,
48:46Tom's learning that it's tickled dice!
48:48Nice!
48:49Come on!
48:54See you next week!
48:55Come on!
48:56So why don't you shake it all about for us?
49:14You suck and I hate your outfit.
49:17No!
49:18No!
49:19Ah!
49:20Ah!
49:21Let's go!
49:22I can't believe I'm saying this,
49:23but watching two 53-year-olds do Gangnam Style
49:26was the least awkward bit.