Comedian Paul Mecurio and John DeBella's weekly Zoom chat about...whatever
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00:00I want it zoom, zoom, zoom, I zoom.
00:03I want it zoom, zoom, zoom, I zoom.
00:06So you want to test this?
00:08Just double check it?
00:09Yeah.
00:10Oh, yeah.
00:11No, no.
00:11Everything is, everything should be 100%.
00:14And, well, I fucked up.
00:18I thought everything was.
00:19Just so people understand, this is one of the premier radio personalities in all of America.
00:27He has worked in radio for 40 years and didn't know how to record the audio on the interview.
00:37This is what I'm dealing with, okay?
00:40This is what I'm dealing with.
00:42It's like hiring a painter to paint your house and he dips the handle into the paint.
00:47He tries to paint with the handle.
00:50I can't do this anymore.
00:51I can't live with incompetence in every aspect of my life and not have sex.
00:55It was one mistake.
00:56One mistake.
00:58Oh, there have been many.
00:59We were brilliant.
01:00But we were brilliant last week.
01:03My heart sank.
01:04I'm like, how are we going to replicate that?
01:07I had pubic hair.
01:08I had props.
01:09I had pubic hair and everything.
01:11That is true.
01:12Although this week.
01:14Let me see if I still have it in this.
01:15You still have the pubic hair from last week?
01:18Let me see.
01:19I might have some.
01:19I threw in this pail maybe unless my wife.
01:21I'm bald and I don't save mine.
01:26My wife.
01:27She probably put the pubic hair with all the other, my other pubic hair that she, in her
01:34lucky box.
01:36She's a freak.
01:36It's like when you die, she can knit you a shroud.
01:39Oh, wait a minute.
01:40Wait.
01:41No.
01:41No.
01:42Please tell me no.
01:45Wait.
01:46She's not even a curly Q anywhere.
01:48While he's looking for this, let me explain that last week, prior to us not taping, he decided
01:55to do some manscaping.
01:57Yeah.
01:57Let me show you.
02:00Wow.
02:00You're a hairy fucker.
02:02I am.
02:02I'm telling you.
02:05Well, actually, I have props this week and I have questions for you.
02:12So I'm going to try to share the screen here.
02:16All right.
02:16Hopefully, I'm obviously working.
02:20Can I just say something?
02:22What's that?
02:22Can I just say something?
02:23Good.
02:24You trying to share the screen and go to another level on this Zoom is like a person with their
02:32permit, a 16-year-old saying, you know what?
02:34I think I want to drive NASCAR now.
02:36No.
02:36Why don't you just stay in your zone?
02:39You're comfortable.
02:40Okay.
02:40I worked hard on this.
02:42Go ahead.
02:43Go ahead.
02:44I have a question for you.
02:45All right.
02:46So I've got to bring up this screen.
02:49All right.
02:49And can you tell me, what is this all about?
02:55Can you see it?
02:56Yeah.
02:57I know exactly what that's about.
02:59What is that?
03:00First of all, that is the Australian actor, Paul Mercurio.
03:05See the spelling of that name?
03:06That's how I spell my name.
03:08But I had to change it because we're both in the actors' union.
03:12So I dropped the first R.
03:14So I spell it M-E-C-U-R-I-O.
03:16Okay.
03:17So that means that this then is not you.
03:22Well, he put his head on my body.
03:25So yes, it is.
03:26I see.
03:26And that is my bedroom.
03:31I'm a big Bed, Bath & Beyond fan.
03:33Okay.
03:34There you go.
03:35So at what point in your life...
03:38Oh, no, I'm sorry.
03:39Wrong one.
03:40All right.
03:41Where the hell is your other one?
03:43All right.
03:43Here we go.
03:44This should be it.
03:45All right.
03:46This?
03:46Well, you know, that's when I was living on an island.
03:53And they said the only way to get off the island is to do this.
03:58And so I did that.
04:00That was Strictly Ballroom.
04:02He was in this movie Strictly Ballroom.
04:03Oh, it was in Strictly Ballroom.
04:03Oh, okay.
04:04Okay.
04:04Right.
04:05And that kind of launched him in America.
04:07He was actually a choreographer on it, from what I understand.
04:10And the actor in it couldn't really do the dancing scene.
04:12So he did it.
04:13And then that led to Exit to Eden, which had Rosie O'Donnell in a teddy.
04:22Oh, I remember that.
04:24I threw up in my mouth a little bit.
04:26Hold on a second.
04:27Okay.
04:27Now I'm better.
04:29And then he did TNT's Joseph.
04:32And then he kind of disappeared.
04:35He was, you know, pretty hot for a little while.
04:37And then he moved back to Australia.
04:40And he has a reality beer-making show.
04:44Right.
04:44Oh, okay.
04:45So that's what Beerlicious is.
04:47But the problem is some people mistake me for him and vice versa.
04:50Right.
04:50So I get every two, three weeks on my Twitter feed, I get beer recipes thinking it's this guy.
05:00Now, is it possible that...
05:02And my response to the beer recipes are...
05:05He's been drinking a lot of the beer, obviously.
05:08That's not him.
05:09That is him.
05:11That is...
05:11I swear on my mother, that is him.
05:15And he killed my mother.
05:16I was going to...
05:17God, I look so good.
05:18Look at me.
05:19You're ruining the Mercurio name, asshole.
05:22That's not him.
05:23What happened to him?
05:24I swear to you, it's him.
05:27That is not...
05:28That's a guy that works at a ski jet...
05:30A jet ski rental place in the Bahamas.
05:33That's who they had it.
05:34Obviously, he took this picture just before he married his mother.
05:41So...
05:42Oh, my God.
05:46I'm telling you, this is him.
05:49And then he looked like this when he died.
05:54This is also Paul Mercurio.
05:57Just so you know.
05:58Is it really?
05:59Yes.
06:00Yes.
06:00This is what I'm going to look like?
06:03He is...
06:04You know what?
06:05Knowing your background, there is a real good chance that that is what you're going to look like.
06:10All right.
06:13He's got a lot of my pubic hair under his nose.
06:17Who is the woman?
06:18Is that his wife?
06:19That's his wife.
06:21Yes.
06:22He literally...
06:23It looks like he married a mother from Little House on the Prairie.
06:27I know.
06:28I know.
06:30Wow.
06:31Yeah.
06:33That's what I did this morning.
06:37I used to get so frustrated with him.
06:40You know, because he had my name first.
06:42And now he's taking it to a new level of really ruining my name on another whole other level.
06:48I want you to go and go find...
06:52Just put in Fat Paul Mercurio.
06:54I guarantee you that picture is going to come up.
06:58Because that was the article in some Australian newspaper.
07:02Look at how fat Paul Mercurio got.
07:06You think I should change my name to something more anglicized?
07:10Yeah.
07:11He looks like he's going to die any day now.
07:15Next thing I'll know is...
07:17He'll be getting a call from his wife.
07:19Hey, look.
07:20I have your last name anyway.
07:21You want to hook up?
07:22I'm like...
07:23You know how to make beer?
07:24If you don't know how to make beer, don't even come near me.
07:26Have you ever thought about sleeping with your mother?
07:31Oh, so the COVID thing.
07:33Yeah.
07:33Yeah.
07:34So, good.
07:35Because something came in the mail about it.
07:39But I've had COVID and I'm still...
07:42Hang on.
07:46I can give it to you.
07:47And so I basically, you know, I've been really tired from it.
07:56I can't taste.
07:57I can't smell.
07:58And when you eat, like, the only thing you realize, like, when you can't taste anything,
08:03there's no joy in the day at all.
08:05Because especially when you're sick, that's at least the one thing you can look forward to.
08:08Like, a couple of nights ago, we were going to watch a movie.
08:11My wife's like, I'm making a buttered popcorn.
08:13You want some?
08:13I'm like, nah, I'm good.
08:14I'm watching my weight.
08:15So, I'm just going to eat these styrofoam penis that I got from America.
08:20It's the same thing.
08:22I'm telling you, you can't taste anything.
08:24And then I'm talking to somebody.
08:29You know Paul Caspernovo?
08:31He's got a radio show down in Florida.
08:32Anyway, that I've been on.
08:34And he's like telling me, you know when people, like, think they're helping you by relaying stories of other friends that have the same illness, right?
08:43So, he actually goes to me.
08:44I go, yeah, I can't taste it.
08:45And he goes, ah, dude.
08:46He goes, I know a guy.
08:48He got it.
08:49Four months later, he still can't taste anything.
08:51I'm like, ugh.
08:53And then another friend go to me.
08:55Yeah, I got a friend.
08:56He got over it quickly.
08:57Was fine.
08:58And then all of a sudden collapsed.
09:00Had a blood clot in his leg.
09:02They may have to remove the leg.
09:03And then a third person, this is all within one week, goes to me.
09:07Oh, yeah, I know a woman.
09:09She was very healthy going into it, like you.
09:12Got it.
09:13And then about a month later, she was at the market.
09:16And her lung collapsed.
09:18And I'm like, you know what?
09:19You're not my friend anymore, ever, ever, ever, ever.
09:23And so, and by the way, I got it because I was performing in Florida at a club.
09:29And they didn't have people wearing masks in the club.
09:33And here's the thing.
09:34I'm not going to get it.
09:35I think everybody.
09:36Wait, wait.
09:36You mean to tell me the droplets could come out of people's mouths when they're laughing?
09:40I know, right?
09:42And then they think, oh, well, we social distance the table.
09:45But people at the table don't know where each of them have been.
09:48Like, there's like a real estate club.
09:50There was 12 people from an office to have an office party.
09:53And they're shoulder to shoulder.
09:54And they're laughing.
09:55And, you know, and I'm licking everybody's face during the show.
09:58But I don't think that had anything to do with it.
10:00Nothing.
10:00Nothing.
10:01But here's the thing that I noticed.
10:03Like, you're not a little bit pregnant in life.
10:05If you're going to wear the mask, wear the frigging mask.
10:07Don't wear it on your chin.
10:08Okay?
10:09I mean.
10:09I hate them.
10:10You can't.
10:11Your chin doesn't get.
10:12I mean, you might as well just like cut off the fingertips of the latex.
10:15Or these people.
10:17Yeah.
10:18You see these people?
10:19It's like, but you're not using your nose.
10:22I know.
10:23Your nose doesn't mean anything to you.
10:25These are the same people that cut off the fingertips of the latex gloves.
10:30So they feel like they're Madonna, you know?
10:32So they have dexterity and they can text.
10:34Like, I just.
10:36The whole thing is just.
10:38And then I was reading that people are going on cruises again.
10:42Like, who goes?
10:43Why would you go on a cruise?
10:45Like, what?
10:46First of all, like, just without COVID, why would you go on?
10:49You pay $600 to live in a closet for a week and eat Golden Corral quality buffet.
10:54Why would you go on a cruise?
10:56And they don't even know how to operate the ships.
10:58There was one ship that rear-ended another ship.
11:02How do you rear-end?
11:03It's an entire ocean.
11:05Go around.
11:06Just go around.
11:07Go around.
11:08It was a Greek ship.
11:12There's only one reason to go on a cruise, and that's to kill your wife.
11:15That's the only reason.
11:17Or a husband.
11:19No.
11:21My wife just came and she made me eggs.
11:23Here, say hi.
11:25Hello.
11:26Hi.
11:27You know this is the first time I've ever seen your wife?
11:30Yeah, is that right?
11:31Yeah.
11:32You want to see her pubic hair?
11:34No.
11:35How do you live with this man?
11:37Exactly.
11:38What's in this?
11:38It tastes very salty.
11:40I put this Lowry salt in there.
11:42She made me eggs.
11:44Well, be happy.
11:45You're tasting them.
11:46That is why.
11:48I come in here.
11:48I bring him eggs.
11:49He complained about salt.
11:52That's his job.
11:53That's how he pays for that house.
11:55Look at her.
11:55Come in.
11:56Look at her lip.
11:57No.
11:57She was in the sun.
11:59It's hideous.
12:00It is hideously swollen.
12:02It's like I'm living with the hunchback of Notre Dame if her lip had a hump.
12:07It's awful.
12:09Well, these eggs are great.
12:10I feel...
12:11And salty.
12:12Yeah, they're salty and they're yellow.
12:14I can tell you that.
12:15That's not working for her.
12:16Bye.
12:17Goodbye.
12:18It's where you say thank you.
12:20Hey, thanks.
12:21I'll hitch up.
12:23Yeah.
12:23I'll give you a little something later.
12:24Yeah.
12:25A little.
12:26Oh, she went a little.
12:28She's a good comeback.
12:29She was a good comeback.
12:31So, here's the thing with the COVID thing.
12:36You know, friends calling asking how you're doing.
12:38I get a card in the mail.
12:41And it's like...
12:44It seems like a greeting card.
12:46You know, it's handwritten.
12:47But I don't recognize the return address.
12:49And I open it up.
12:51And that's what's...
12:53Okay.
12:54So, I open it up.
12:55Right.
12:57And it's...
12:58Dear neighbor, I hope this letter finds you up.
13:00As COVID-19 cases are still on the rise, and the government agency continues to return,
13:04it would be irresponsible to come to you door to door to speak face to face.
13:09Okay.
13:09The Bible tells us...
13:11This is all these witnesses hitting me up through the mail.
13:16Through the mail.
13:18Okay.
13:19The minute I see Bible, I'm like, you've got to be kidding me.
13:23And I don't know if they got it through, like, the public roles.
13:27Like, once you have it, it's public information.
13:31Yeah.
13:32So, then goes on to quote scripture, like, during what may seem to be the darkest of times.
13:38Trust me.
13:39They are.
13:39It doesn't seem to be.
13:41They are.
13:41The scriptures offer hope.
13:43For example, Psalms 46.
13:44God is our refuge and strength.
13:46The help that is really found in times of distress.
13:49Oh, yeah?
13:49Can God come around and make me eat so I can taste pepperoni pizza again?
13:54Okay.
13:54This sucks.
13:55You want to know why?
13:56It takes all the fun out of slamming the door in their face.
14:00There's nothing to live.
14:01I got two of these.
14:03I got two of these.
14:04And they want me to go to JW.com.
14:06You're, it's Katie, by the way, with a K.
14:09JW.org.
14:11If you'd like to learn, Bible, oh, my God.
14:14This, this, this is how bad it's gotten.
14:17Well, I've always contended that, that if you're going to, if they're going to go to
14:21door to door, why don't we give them the mail?
14:24At least, at least they will be accomplishing something.
14:28They're used to leaving things behind.
14:31Here.
14:32Take these coupons.
14:33Here's the electric bill.
14:35Bring them over to Paul's house.
14:37That's hilarious.
14:40Yeah.
14:41And so we, and so I was sleeping in separate.
14:48So my wife didn't get it.
14:51And so that was a stretch.
14:54No sex.
14:55Turns out I've been practicing COVID my whole life.
14:57I just didn't know it.
14:58And my whole math.
14:59I've been practicing for at least 15 years now.
15:03I'm older than you.
15:06You're still.
15:06You haven't gotten it at all, right?
15:09No, no, no, no, no.
15:11Well, she is a COVID Nazi.
15:13So, I mean, I am surprised I don't have to take my clothes off before I come in the house.
15:18Once I'm in, stripped down, go shower, right?
15:22Then I can go about my day.
15:24Don't touch the dogs.
15:26Don't touch the dogs.
15:27Right?
15:28So.
15:28That's why we're obsessed about our dog, Daisy.
15:31Like, don't touch the dog.
15:32Like, I'm like, the dog's not going to get it.
15:34The dog's eating sticks and poop and everything.
15:37Right.
15:38And so, and you're in your office, right?
15:43Correct.
15:44I'm in my office.
15:45Yeah.
15:45This orange thing above me, I just realized that when I sit up, I've got this bar going
15:51across my head.
15:52At least it matches my shirt, right?
15:54You see the amount of pictures on the wall?
15:57Yeah.
15:57Right?
15:58That's a level.
15:59And whenever I see them, that's how frigging anal I am.
16:03Whenever one is out of the sort, I take my level and make sure they're all right again.
16:08And I got to the point like, I'm not going, I'm not going into my shop to get that damn
16:13level again.
16:14Right?
16:14Just leave it there.
16:15It looks good.
16:16Right?
16:17It shouldn't make me see you in your shop.
16:19You would work, right?
16:20But yeah.
16:21Yeah.
16:21I do.
16:22I do woodwork.
16:22Maybe it's like a nice little like end table.
16:26You want an end table?
16:27Square, okay?
16:31You're not going to even try, you lazy bastard.
16:34Knowing you, you'll just think bust my balls, you'll make it not level.
16:38So it'll be very unconfident.
16:40One matchbook.
16:40One matchbook.
16:42Very unconfident.
16:44Speaking of COVID.
16:45It is COVID.
16:46I'm not sure if I told you before we do this.
16:48I do this thing in the morning.
16:49When I have a COVID story, we call them COVIDiots, right?
16:52These are the stupid things that these people do.
16:55Yesterday, I get a picture of a school is open in Georgia already.
16:59High schools are open in Georgia already.
17:01I guess all schools are open in Georgia.
17:03Right?
17:03And there's this hall.
17:04It's like, you know, I don't know if the kids are showing up or if it's between classes,
17:08but it's high school kids.
17:10It is packed from wall to wall for as far as you can see.
17:14Right?
17:14I'm looking at the picture, and there's only five kids who have masks on.
17:19Not another kid has a mask on at all.
17:22Right?
17:22They're in the halls?
17:23Right.
17:24It's just one hall.
17:25Just one long hallway.
17:27Right?
17:28The kids post the picture online.
17:30What happens?
17:32What do you think happens?
17:33Someone complains that people aren't wearing masks?
17:39No.
17:40The school suspends the two kids for putting the picture online.
17:44Of course.
17:46That's like reporting Nazis and then shooting the people reporting them in the head.
17:51Come on.
17:51Leave the Nazis alone.
17:53They were just lost.
17:55They were just lost in their own...
17:57They're better people now.
17:59Like, they suspended the two kids.
18:02Suspended the kids.
18:03Yeah.
18:03What was the premise?
18:04What was the basis?
18:05I guess they broke security or protocol or something like that.
18:11Because this way, when the gunman shows up, he knows which way to run down the crowded hallway.
18:16No, it's probably because they shot a portrait instead of landscape.
18:22And you're right.
18:22It was portrait.
18:24But it wouldn't have worked landscape.
18:26And you just got walls.
18:27They were smart.
18:28They did it the right way.
18:29You don't want the lockers?
18:30You don't want anybody seeing Locker 133.
18:32That's where all the dopest story is.
18:34That's it.
18:36So, did they get...
18:38I know nothing else beyond that.
18:40Other than that, they got suspended.
18:41That's all I got.
18:43You know?
18:44I have a limited amount of time on the air.
18:45I can't get all the facts out there.
18:46I just get the points.
18:49So, what are you doing today?
18:52Let's see.
18:53After I'm done waiting for you to start this,
18:56I am...
18:58I am...
18:59Oh, I...
19:00It was my mother.
19:01I was dealing with my mother.
19:02I know you were dealing with your mother,
19:04which in itself, I'm surprised I'm even talking to you.
19:08This prior to talking to you,
19:10I changed the bulbs in the light above the garage door.
19:15Now, this house is really old, okay?
19:20This house was built in 1929.
19:23Wait, you changed the light bulbs in the garage?
19:25No, on the light over the garage door.
19:28That's even where you really need to get...
19:30You need to get out of that.
19:33So...
19:34Go ahead.
19:35So, the house is really old.
19:37I don't know what they were thinking
19:38or what sort of midgets they had,
19:40but I don't know if you could say...
19:41These are ham hands.
19:42These are huge frigging hands, okay?
19:45Those are...
19:46Those are foolishly large.
19:48Yes, but people make fun of these all the time.
19:51We even have songs about my ham hands, okay?
19:55Have they always been, like, that big?
19:57Yeah.
19:58That fat?
19:58Yeah, yeah.
19:59Hey, I can do an octave and a half on a piano.
20:02Why don't you...
20:02Why don't you put your hands on a diet?
20:06Just to kind of see if you can do some weight.
20:07Have you seen the rest of me?
20:08My hands are the least of my problems.
20:10The 19 is right here.
20:14That's where the COVID-19 went.
20:16They're right here, and I am not exaggerating.
20:20You put it on?
20:21Yeah.
20:21Oh, I got to tell you, just as an offshoot,
20:24before I get to the technology of this light,
20:27all right, as you age,
20:29because I am, you know, slightly older than you
20:32by about, what, 20 years?
20:34Anyway, as you age, it seems that the reason why you see
20:39old men with these big bellies, that's where it goes.
20:42It gets to a point, the rest of me is all the same size,
20:46right?
20:47But it all goes right here now,
20:49and I hate those exercises more than any exercises
20:54on the planet, right?
20:56So I'm going to die, a fat guy.
20:59That's it.
21:00I can hear the eulogy.
21:03It'll probably be coming a card from Jehovah's Witnesses.
21:07He had fat hands, and it'll start that way.
21:13Hey, don't make too many jokes about me,
21:16or I'll make you a pallbearer.
21:17Imagine carrying this.
21:19Oh, my God.
21:20I'll get the other pallbearer.
21:21He's fat enough.
21:22He can carry you.
21:24So anyway, so I go outside to fix this light.
21:26I've never looked up in this light at all.
21:28It has three bulbs in it, but they're those little candelabra bulbs.
21:33I don't know what they were thinking, right?
21:36And now nothing opens.
21:39Nothing opens on the light at all.
21:41The glass doesn't come off.
21:42The top doesn't come off.
21:43Nothing opens.
21:44The design on this was, well, this thing's kind of hanging,
21:49so all you have to do is push it to one side,
21:52and normal hand people should be able to get their hand up in the air
21:55and twist the bulb and get it off, and then the other way,
21:58and come around this way, and then pull it on this side,
22:00and go around this way, right?
22:02So now I'm trying to get these ham hands on a bulb that's about this big,
22:07right?
22:08And what would have taken a child, right,
22:12probably three or four minutes to get done,
22:15I was out there for at least 15, changing three bulbs.
22:19That's five minutes of f***ing bulb.
22:21Why didn't you hire a kid in the neighborhood?
22:23Because you'd be the creepy guy handing a kid money in front of everybody.
22:28You've never been to my house.
22:30You've never seen my neighborhood.
22:31There are no children.
22:32They're all old.
22:33Everybody's left.
22:36No, I never asked you this.
22:38How did that, it's a great mustache,
22:40and you probably told it,
22:41but you've got to tell me because I never asked you this.
22:43How did you decide to come up with that,
22:46grow it, and do the thing?
22:48It started, I don't know why,
22:53but I had the strangest feeling you were going to ask about this today.
22:57There's a picture behind me,
22:59which is probably the last time I didn't have facial hair.
23:03It was when I was in college.
23:05The mustache showed up when I was a junior or senior in high school, right?
23:10And then I took it off for a bit,
23:12and then when I got to college,
23:13I stopped shaving, and the mustache returned.
23:16And in that time, it was just mustache.
23:19I went, I had, you know, 70s porn mustache.
23:23I had Fu Manchu, went like this.
23:26I had the whole thing this way.
23:27I had mutton chops in the thing.
23:29And then at one point, I just stopped shaving,
23:33and I had this beard,
23:35not knowing that this thing was,
23:37because I'm an idiot,
23:38it was still growing too,
23:40and it was kind of laying on top of it.
23:41And in 1980, I went to do radio in Pittsburgh,
23:46where the sky is brown and yellow,
23:48and the plants are as smart as the people.
23:50It's not the edge of the universe,
23:51but you can see it from there, right?
23:54Anyway, I go, and I decide,
23:57you know what, I'm going to take this off.
23:58And when you take a beard off,
24:00you start doing things like,
24:01oh, look, I'm Abe Lincoln.
24:02Oh, look, I'm Amish.
24:04And as I'm shaving it off and doing different,
24:07all of a sudden, I realize,
24:08this thing's actually been sitting
24:09on top of the beard all that time.
24:12I just always look at it.
24:12Oh, look, I'm a server at the ground round.
24:15Yeah, that's it, right?
24:16Hey, I can pose for Monopoly posters, right?
24:19You know, so, is Jerry Colonna dead?
24:22I don't know.
24:24So, anyway.
24:26And I saw this, and I went,
24:29you know what, that's kind of cool.
24:31And it got even bigger at one point.
24:32There was a point that it might've been
24:34even out to here, right?
24:36And it is, everyone else has hair problems.
24:40I have mustache problems.
24:42On days that I shave,
24:44it does not want to behave.
24:45It just wants to.
24:46You mean it's all over the place?
24:48Yeah, it's all over the place.
24:49Do you have to put beard wax in or?
24:51No, I use mustache wax
24:53because waxing your beard
24:54is really kind of stupid.
24:55And your wife, Lisa,
25:02she obviously likes it.
25:04Yeah, yeah, no, she likes it for,
25:06she was just telling me the other day,
25:08you know, that she said,
25:10I don't think you should ever shave.
25:12Oh, because Jeff Foxworthy
25:13shaved his mustache off.
25:15Oh.
25:16Right, yeah.
25:17But he did it for like a day, right?
25:19He was, he was, you know,
25:21he has his farm,
25:22he was low on his wife.
25:23Do you know Jeff at all?
25:24Not really.
25:26Great guy.
25:27Yeah, I mean, he is,
25:28he is everything you expect him to be.
25:30He is that guy.
25:30You've had him on the show?
25:32A ton of times.
25:33A ton of times.
25:34So he was supposed to be on the other day
25:36and that's when they found out
25:37that John DiBella doesn't live in Pittsburgh.
25:40So, so.
25:44Right, they put my name in
25:45and then called the radio station in Pittsburgh.
25:47I was like, where's Jeff?
25:48I don't know.
25:49All right, see?
25:50Where the sky is brown and yellow
25:51and the plants are as smart as the people.
25:53Oh, that's hilarious.
25:55So anyway, so, so she turns to me,
25:56she says, you know,
25:58I don't think you should ever turn,
26:00cut your mustache off.
26:01I said, okay, fine.
26:03And I said, you know,
26:04I never really thought about it.
26:05I thought it would be really freaky
26:06and the only time I ever thought
26:08I would cut it off
26:09is after I murdered her.
26:10Right?
26:11Because shave off the mustache,
26:13don't talk,
26:13they'll never find me again.
26:14And no one would recognize you otherwise.
26:16They're just like,
26:17look for a large belly
26:19and freakishly large hands
26:21and that's our knife.
26:24So, so anyway,
26:26so she,
26:26but here's what she said.
26:28You could strangle,
26:28you could strangle a family of five
26:30at the same time with those hands.
26:34But here's what she says about,
26:36no, no,
26:36he says the reason why
26:37you shouldn't shave off your mustache
26:40is, right,
26:41you don't have much of an upper lip.
26:44That's why I want to see what's under there.
26:46Next time you got to show a picture.
26:49Next,
26:50next time.
26:50Okay.
26:51All right.
26:52And,
26:52and,
26:53and this was the,
26:55and your parents,
26:56I know,
26:57weren't,
26:58couldn't afford
26:59braces when you were a kid
27:01and you had that terrible underbite.
27:03So the mustache disguises it all.
27:06And,
27:07you know,
27:07and that's the feeling of love
27:09that I got from that truthfulness
27:11right then.
27:12Exactly.
27:12Right.
27:13Is yet another reason
27:14why I haven't killed her.
27:15Great.
27:16It's funny.
27:17Um,
27:18here,
27:18here,
27:18this is a mask.
27:20I can't wear it.
27:21There's so many
27:22deformities about your head
27:25that it would just be better
27:27if it were covered
27:28from society
27:29for the rest of your life.
27:32Uh,
27:32listen,
27:33I got to jump.
27:34I got to go back
27:34to deal with my mother,
27:35unfortunately.
27:35Okay.
27:37Oh yeah.
27:38I got to jump.
27:39Did she find something
27:40out on the street
27:40that she can't move on her own?
27:42Do you have to go up the property?
27:43No.
27:43No,
27:45she just,
27:46uh,
27:46makes Donald Trump
27:47look like Mother Teresa
27:48in terms of,
27:49she,
27:51she,
27:52she's like,
27:53she happens,
27:54she has enough narcissists.
27:55She's got,
27:56there's Hitler,
27:56Mussolini,
27:57Trump in her.
27:58She's a mix of,
27:59uh,
28:00you know,
28:00oh,
28:01in terms of the narcissism.
28:02It's,
28:03it's,
28:03there's a,
28:04it's,
28:04it goes way back
28:06and,
28:06uh,
28:07she will not go down either.
28:08I try everything.
28:09Bad cheese,
28:10you know,
28:11old milk,
28:12just bounces right back up
28:13like a little Italian.
28:14Those two things
28:15are my kryptonite,
28:16by the way.
28:17I swear to God,
28:18I can eat absolutely anything,
28:20but if a piece of cheese
28:21is about to go,
28:22I'm a dead man for days.
28:25You don't want to be around me.
28:27Uh,
28:28one last thing.
28:30All right.
28:30Before you go,
28:31what should we call this?
28:35Uh,
28:36fat hands in the Guinea.
28:39I don't,
28:40I don't know.
28:42I don't know.
28:43I think we gotta,
28:43we gotta let it find itself,
28:45find a name.
28:46All right.
28:47Um,
28:48you know,
28:49right now it's two guys on zoom.
28:52Two guys on zoom.
28:53We think.
28:55Not sure.
28:56Because I haven't stopped this yet.
28:58All right.
28:59Listen,
28:59just as I said,
29:00I'm just going to tell you now,
29:02if this doesn't,
29:02if this doesn't stick to the tape,
29:04don't text me.
29:05Don't call me.
29:06Lose my number.
29:07You're dead to me.
29:08All right.
29:09It says,
29:10it says it's recording.
29:12All right.
29:12Well,
29:13okay.
29:13Okay.
29:14So now I don't know.
29:15We need to think about.
29:16All right.
29:17I should have pubic hair in the title.
29:19I think.
29:19Okay.
29:20I don't know.
29:22I don't know.
29:22Let's think about it.
29:23I get a pick.
29:23Man's taping with Paul and John.
29:26Get a picture of your mustache.
29:28Without your faceless,
29:29your mustache-less face the next time.
29:30Okay.
29:31All right.
29:32You're not going to like it.
29:33All right.
29:34See you around campus.
29:36See you later.
29:37Oh,
29:38by the way,
29:38wait.
29:39Let's do plugs.
29:41People should go listen to your radio show.
29:43Okay.
29:44Yeah.
29:44I'm on weekdays from six until nine.
29:48In Pittsburgh.
29:50And you're in Pittsburgh.
29:50Pittsburgh.
29:51Right.
29:51On Classic Rock 102.9 MGK in Philadelphia.
29:55And where are you appearing next?
29:57The living room?
29:58Yeah.
29:58I'm going to be in the living room.
30:01And I'm going to the garage to put up garage organizers.
30:04And then I'm going to put a bullet ring.
30:06Now I understand why you were pressed for time.
30:08Yeah.
30:09And then.
30:10Do you need cam hands?
30:11I can drive up to Connecticut and help.
30:13Lift hands.
30:14This is the power here.
30:15I need your shoplifting hands.
30:20That ability.
30:21I'm going to be at yahoo.com slash Paul McCurio.
30:25I got my YouTube channel.
30:27I'm posting videos there.
30:28Okay.
30:29Time and my podcast,
30:31Paul McCurio Show.
30:32Mm-hmm.
30:33I've been on.
30:35I have Alan Zweibel on right now.
30:38Great interview.
30:39Original writer for SNL.
30:40Writes for Billy Crystal.
30:42Co-created the It's Gary Shanley Show.
30:44Got Kevin Costner.
30:45Paul McCartney.
30:46You spoke to Costner?
30:48Yeah.
30:48I just did him a couple weeks ago.
30:50Yeah.
30:51No.
30:51I mean, you spoke to him.
30:52I didn't want to know about the sex you had with him.
30:54Shut up.
30:55Yeah.
30:55I did.
30:56Yeah.
30:56The Paul McCurio Show.
30:58You can hear me having sex with Kevin Costner.
31:00Do you watch Yellowstone?
31:02I have some.
31:04Watched some of it.
31:04Not the whole thing.
31:05It's really good, right?
31:06Really good.
31:06Yeah.
31:07And it's really a good interview because it's about his sort of creative process.
31:10And we talk a lot about music because he's in a band.
31:13He's been in a band a long time.
31:14And how that feeds his acting.
31:16And so we really got into some cool stuff.
31:19And I'm going to have him on again.
31:20And Alan Zweibel, same thing.
31:21Really cool about the creative process and everything.
31:24So.
31:24Cool.
31:24Paul McCurio Show.
31:26It's Google Play.
31:27And I, too.
31:29You know, if I get really good at this, I could put graphics down at the bottom.
31:32Hey, hey, let's just stick with the training wheels.
31:37You just hit record.
31:38Okay.
31:39And then fix your little mustache.
31:41I'm going to stop now.
31:45Someone's going to complain about that.
31:48Someone's going to say something about that.