Comedian Josh Wolf on The John DeBella Show
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00:00Ladies and gentlemen, the well-traveled, a man with a diet that is beyond anything
00:17you could possibly imagine.
00:21Josh Wolfe is here.
00:23I've never been intro'd by my diet before.
00:26That is, it's really spectacular.
00:28I appreciate that.
00:30I plan on wrecking whatever kind of diet I had this weekend.
00:36I don't even know if you, I have a, I'm not saying I smoke a lot of weed, but my diet
00:41is pretty particular.
00:43You know what's funny though?
00:46I, okay, so I haven't known to smoke a little weed.
00:50And I also, a couple years ago, I got diagnosed as pre-diabetic because every night I would
00:56go to bed and I would eat three bags of Skittles.
00:58Not a joke.
00:59One regular, one tropical, one sour.
01:01And I would, I would put them all in one bowl and I would eat them like popcorn.
01:04Sour's banging.
01:04Oh, so good.
01:05But you mix with the tropical and the original.
01:07Stop it.
01:08So every morning I would wake up and I would use the mirror as my doctor.
01:12I'd look in the mirror.
01:13I'd be like, I'm fine.
01:14And then I went to the doctor and the doctor was like, Hey man, like your blood is like
01:18syrup.
01:19Like, what are you doing?
01:20And I was like, well, I eat some Skittles.
01:22He was like, how much?
01:23I go three bags every night.
01:24He's like, that's insane.
01:25You can't do that.
01:26So I had to change my diet.
01:27But so now I smoke a lot of weed, but now it's like, you know, nobody gets high and
01:32it's like, where are the almonds?
01:33Do you know what I mean?
01:33But I, now I'm like, oh, I can't wait to dig into those unsalted cashews.
01:39It's a real bummer, but that's where I am.
01:42You know what I mean?
01:42I'm eating kale chips at three in the morning.
01:44Shoot me.
01:45But you got to do what you got to do.
01:47It's so depressing.
01:49I've come, you know, though, but it's better now.
01:51Like when you're a stoner and you have not a lot of money and every night you play, you
01:57ever play that game, what's in the fridge?
01:59And you kind of combine things.
02:00I ate an almond and mayonnaise sandwich once.
02:03Oh, it was delicious.
02:05But you tried choking down an almond on white bread when you got no saliva in your mouth.
02:10I almost died in my kitchen.
02:12You know what I mean?
02:13It was like a fight in my mouth.
02:17Yeah.
02:18But you know what's even crazier?
02:19Okay.
02:19So LA, we have illegal weed.
02:22Yeah.
02:22Yeah.
02:22Well, the last time you were here, you were waiting for the cards to go away.
02:26The wait is over.
02:27The wait is over.
02:27Yeah.
02:28So, but you have to be 21 to get in.
02:32But if you can be 18 and get your medical.
02:35Okay.
02:35Which I, I don't like because I have an 18 year old and I ran into him in the store where
02:43I buy my weed.
02:45So I walk in.
02:46I wonder what influenced that.
02:47Yeah.
02:48I walk in.
02:50I'll check my parenting book.
02:52I walk in and I go, I see him.
02:55I go, Hey man.
02:57And he goes, Oh, Hey.
02:59I go, what are you doing here?
03:00He goes, well, I think the same thing you're doing here.
03:02And then he went and put his wallet away.
03:05I go, what are you doing?
03:06He goes, well, you're here, bro.
03:07You're buying, right?
03:08I go, no, dude, this is not, we didn't just leave you a little league game.
03:11You know what I mean?
03:12I'm not buying me three scoops of OG Kush.
03:14That's not how this works.
03:15You're going to buy your own drugs.
03:18You know what I mean?
03:19That's how I, I don't know any dad who's been like, you know what?
03:23I'm going to get you for your next birthday.
03:25Eight edibles.
03:26That's not how, we don't do that.
03:29There was a report just last week about how, um, uh, 35 plus, right?
03:36Mm-hmm.
03:37Everybody's smoking pot again.
03:39Oh, yeah.
03:40Across the country, whether it's legal or not.
03:42Well, you know, it's even more interesting, you find that, and I get reached out to a
03:47lot, it's, forget 35 plus, 65 plus, they're not smoking, they're all taking edibles.
03:54Right.
03:54Oh, really?
03:55They don't want to smoke because it's not as healthy for you, but they're all taking
03:58edibles, and I know a lot of younger people are like, I can't believe the older, I'm like,
04:03those are the original weed smokers.
04:05Yeah.
04:05They were smoking weed and having sex in puddles.
04:08Do you know what I mean?
04:09They didn't care what was happening.
04:12They were having mud on their body.
04:14They were doing, they were living life.
04:16But yeah, they're taking edibles.
04:19I have, I have a lot of older couples come to my show high out of their minds.
04:27And they come up to me after the show, they're like, hey, we really enjoyed your show.
04:30I'm like, how high are you?
04:31They're so high.
04:32They love it.
04:33They're like, these edibles have brought us back into the weed world.
04:37I think it's great.
04:38You know, because you know what helps people over the 65 drive?
04:42Edibles.
04:43Because you know, they weren't good enough drivers as it is.
04:46I need them going slower.
04:47I need their blinkers on when they leave their driveway.
04:50That's exactly what I need.
04:51You know, the traffic in LA has gotten worse since they legalized weed because everybody's
04:55doing eight miles an hour.
04:57And so the line at In-N-Out is crazy now.
04:59I can't even believe it.
05:01It's crazy.
05:02The drive-thru line at the In-N-Out, it was long before.
05:06But now you get off the freeway.
05:07You're like, why is there a line?
05:09I will tell you, I mean, you don't, nobody should get in a car high or drunk.
05:15But if you had to pick one, we would all pick the high person to get in the car.
05:20Oh, yeah.
05:20Oh, yeah.
05:21I mean, because you know you're stopping for food, which is cool.
05:24That's a nice little.
05:25And really, do you need your seatbelt for four miles an hour?
05:28Really, do you need your seatbelt?
05:29I mean, do you need it?
05:32Especially when you have those 10-mile-an-hour bumpers.
05:38Okay.
05:39So I had a little bit of a weed scare.
05:43So I don't, okay.
05:45The mayo and almonds?
05:46It's worse than that.
05:47Okay.
05:48So I perform at the comedy store when I'm in town.
05:51Okay.
05:52And when I drive home, sometimes it's super late.
05:56And it's super late, one in the morning, there's nobody on the road.
05:58I take the streets, and near my house, Ventura Boulevard, is straight and wide.
06:02So two miles from my house is when I'll light up a joint.
06:05Why two miles?
06:06I appreciate you asking.
06:10Because two miles, I've found through a lot of trial and error, takes three songs.
06:17Okay.
06:18At the end of those three songs is when the weed really kicks in.
06:20It's when I pull into my driveway.
06:22Two miles, three songs.
06:23You pull into your driveway.
06:24The weed hits.
06:25You're high.
06:25You walk into your house, almonds, and you're ready to go, you know?
06:30So I decide.
06:31I hit the two-mile mark.
06:33There's nobody on the road.
06:34I decide I'm going to pick up three Almond Brothers songs, what I'm going to listen to.
06:37Okay.
06:37And I light up a joint, and I'm hotboxing myself.
06:40And I pick out the third song, and I'm ready to rock and roll.
06:44I press play.
06:45As soon as I press play, I let out a huge puff of smoke.
06:47And I look up, and I see a sign that says, you are now entering a DUI checkpoint.
06:53And I was like, oh, no.
06:57Now, what's my first instinct?
06:59My first instinct is turn around.
07:00Yeah.
07:01But you know why I didn't do that?
07:02Is because for sure the cops have thought of that.
07:05Right.
07:05You know what I mean?
07:06Like, there's no way.
07:07He just...
07:07There's no way you can get out of a DUI by just, like, turning your car around.
07:11Like, I don't know.
07:11I'm not driving.
07:12I don't know.
07:13So I go, okay, I got to go through.
07:16I rolled down the windows, get a little air going, and I'm in a long line of cars.
07:20And at the other end of the line, there's a police officer.
07:22And he's either letting people go through or he's pulling them over.
07:24So I'm in the line.
07:26I'm in the line, and one song goes by, and I'm like, oh, no.
07:30Tick-tock, tick-tock, everybody.
07:32At the end of that third song, I'm going to jail.
07:34Do you know what I mean?
07:34It's like an action movie.
07:35Yeah, let's pick up the pace here.
07:37There's a running clock at the bottom.
07:39Second song goes by.
07:40I'm in the middle of the line.
07:41I'm starting to count cars, seeing how long he's taken for each car.
07:45Math right now, not my strong point.
07:47I'm a little high.
07:49We get near the front.
07:50The third song ends.
07:51I'm super high.
07:53But there's one car in front of me, and it's a minivan.
07:55And he lets her go by.
07:56And when he lets her go by, I get a small glimpse of hope.
07:58Because I'm like, oh, he's letting people go through, right?
08:01There's hope.
08:01So as I'm pulling up to the police officer, anybody who's ever been pulled over before?
08:05You've ever been pulled over?
08:05Yeah, of course.
08:06Right, or high.
08:07All I'm thinking of myself as I'm pulling up is, all right, just don't look high.
08:12Right.
08:12Right?
08:13Just look as least high as you possibly can.
08:15So I'm practicing my not high face in the rearview mirror.
08:18I'm practicing.
08:19I did a couple blue steels.
08:20I'm really working on some stuff that I think is not high.
08:23So when I pull up, I land on a face that I like.
08:27When I pull up, I ended up doing this to the guy, which is like a weird Forrest Gump
08:33large smile.
08:34Pee Wee Herman.
08:35Yeah.
08:35I went full like, hey, Lieutenant Diane, you know what I mean?
08:39And so as soon as I did that, he was like, can you pull it over for me?
08:42And I go, yeah, pull it over.
08:43So he comes over, and he knocks on the window.
08:45And I rolled it down like an inch, maybe.
08:48And because I rolled it down an inch, it was the only thing he could fit in the car.
08:51He stuck his lips in my car.
08:53And he was like, can you roll it down a little more for me?
08:56But I was high, and I could only see his mouth.
09:00So I only saw his mouth moving in the car.
09:02And when you're high, that is funny.
09:04You know what I mean?
09:04So I just saw his mouth.
09:05I'm like, oh, my God, say something else.
09:07And he goes, roll it over the window.
09:08And I was like, got it.
09:09So I rolled it over the window the whole way.
09:11And as soon as I did it, he stuck his head in my car like a velociraptor.
09:16And he started sniffing the side of my face.
09:19And I was freaking out.
09:20Because for sure, you could see the heartbeat in the side of my neck.
09:24And you know when you can feel your heartbeat in every orifice?
09:26You know when you can feel your heartbeat in your butthole?
09:28You know what I mean?
09:29But it's really pounding it out.
09:31And so I was like, oh, no, no.
09:34I'm going to jail.
09:34I'm going to jail for sure.
09:36But as soon as he put his head in the car, he put it out.
09:38And he said, well, you don't smell like alcohol or marijuana.
09:42And I actually said to him, I don't?
09:44Because I was surprised.
09:47Because I had been smoking weed 50 feet ago.
09:49How do I not smell?
09:50I was a little mad at the dude who stole me the weed.
09:52I'm not going to lie to you.
09:53I'm like, that's some bunk weed.
09:54I should smell like weed right now.
09:56So he said, no.
09:58He's actually caught on to it.
09:59And he said, do you think you should smell like it?
10:01I go, no, no, no.
10:02I was just at the comedy store.
10:03Or sometimes someone will spill a beer on you.
10:05Or I'm in the parking lot with the other comics.
10:07And they smoke weed.
10:08Oh, I was throwing everybody under the bus.
10:10I didn't care who it was.
10:11So he goes, well, you don't smell like it.
10:13And he said, and your eyes look fine.
10:15And I actually was thinking to myself, well, you're pretty bad at your job, man.
10:19You know what I mean?
10:20I'm really high.
10:21I don't feel safe driving through this checkpoint, to tell you the truth.
10:24I don't know who you left her ahead of me.
10:25You're not good at your job.
10:27But yeah, I had a little bit of a weed scare.
10:33I don't know who you left her.
10:34I don't know who you left her.
10:35I don't know who you left her.
10:36I don't know who you left her.
10:37I don't know who you left her.
10:38I don't know who you left her.
10:39I don't know who you left her.
10:40I don't know who you left her.
10:41I don't know who you left her.
10:42I don't know who you left her.
10:43I don't know who you left her.
10:44I don't know who you left her.
10:45I don't know who you left her.
10:46I don't know who you left her.
10:47I don't know who you left her.
10:48I don't know who you left her.
10:49I don't know who you left her.
10:50I don't know who you left her.
10:52I don't know who you left her.
10:53I don't know who you left her.