Comedian Robert Kelly on The John DeBella Show
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00:00Robert Kelly is in the room. Hello, sir.
00:16How are you doing, buddy?
00:17I'm doing good. Now, can I call you, Bobby?
00:20Oh, of course.
00:20Okay, all right.
00:21You can call me whatever you want.
00:22Because if I recall correctly, you wanted to be Bobby Kelly, but there was another Bobby Kelly who got in your way?
00:28Yeah, there's a Bobby. When the internet first got big, it makes me sick that I was around for that.
00:34Like, I remember tape, getting a cassette tape of Joan Jett.
00:38And now, when it first got big, if you Googled or whatever you did back then, if you'd Bobby Kelly, some woodcarver, poet, slash spoken word comedian in New Hampshire would show up.
00:50So, I went with Robert Kelly, which, you know, in a few years wound up being bad, too, because of R. Kelly.
00:57You know how many disappointed limo drivers there are in Vegas, just holding an R. Kelly sign, thinking I'm going to get a nice fat tip.
01:07Maybe a bunch of hot chicks in the back of the limo, and just dumpy Bob Kelly shows up from Boston with a $5 tip.
01:13Here you go, buddy.
01:17Oh, it's awful. You can see their facial expressions as I walk up to them.
01:20That's me. They're like, no, it isn't.
01:22I'm like, it's me. Let's go. He's not coming.
01:24So, how's life? What's going on?
01:26Life is great.
01:31Look, having a five-year-old is the best.
01:33I love it.
01:34I love my son.
01:36It's the best thing in the world one day, and then the worst thing in the world the exact next day.
01:42Sometimes the exact next hour.
01:44I was in New Hampshire with my kid last week, on a lake, just me and him, swimming.
01:49It was like one of the three greatest things I've ever done in my life, just with my kid.
01:53And then we go for ice cream, and he lets one loose out of the back of his shorts in front of 90 people eating ice cream.
02:00I was going to ask you about this, because I was actually going to say, how's the little fart king?
02:04No, I'm not talking that.
02:06Oh, no.
02:07My wife had to use her Starbucks cup.
02:09I understood that.
02:11Yeah, my wife had to literally bend down and just, you know, she had a hot Starbucks she was in love with, because everybody's eating ice cream.
02:18They're all sitting.
02:18We couldn't go back to the ice cream place for the week, because my son ruined it for everybody.
02:24We're banned.
02:25Because the last time you were here, you told us about a wedding he was at, and then the moment of silence was, you know.
02:30Oh, yeah.
02:31And he just lets one rip.
02:32Oh, we're still getting stuff for that.
02:34Yeah, it was one of the hottest, I mean, listen, it was on a pond in Sandwich, New Hampshire.
02:40The sky was beautiful.
02:42It was ripple clouds.
02:44You couldn't, I mean, it was all young people in the wet.
02:48They were gorgeous.
02:49Everybody was pretty.
02:50And my son let one rip like a trombone player doing a solo.
02:55It was.
02:56Listen, you can tell him, listen, farts let you know who people are.
03:04Do you understand?
03:06If you, the laughter that came after that, in the middle of the vows, literally, my uncle has been, who I love, but I was so glad that this happened, because he's the rich uncle.
03:16Oh, my kid ruined his, it makes me so happy.
03:19But the laughter that happened, just, you know what you, you know you're at a funeral and somebody says something funny about the dead person, you start cracking up, and you're not supposed to, everybody's crying, but you're laughing, and you have to make those into tears.
03:30But people get mad, too.
03:32The people get mad at terrible people.
03:34If someone farts in a place you're not supposed to fart, and you get mad, you're a crap person.
03:40You really are.
03:40Don't ever come to my shows.
03:42I want only people that laugh, if you have a fart gun, you ever see the little fart guns, that should make you crack up every single time.
03:50Every time you hear it, get the fart app.
03:52If you don't laugh at the wet mosquito, I don't ever want to talk to you.
03:58I don't want to, I want nothing to do with you.
04:00The wet mosquito should make God laugh.
04:03What does the wet mosquito sound like?
04:04It sounds like this.
04:12Is this somebody trying to hold something back, but for too long, and it's hot out that day?
04:26So, with the exception of his bowel problems, how is life with a five-year-old?
04:29Oh, God.
04:30You know, here's the thing.
04:31I've never had a dad.
04:33Any father-son event I ever had to go to, I didn't bring anybody.
04:38Or, like, I remember I had to bring Mr. DiPersio to the potluck supper in the sixth grade.
04:42I was sitting there with my teacher as my dad.
04:45And it was great for him to do that, but I remember the kids were looking at me like, that's not your dad.
04:50You know what I mean?
04:51Ugh.
04:52But my kid finally had to bring the dad to school day.
04:55I got up.
04:56I've been waiting 47 years for this.
04:59Okay.
04:59You understand that?
05:00I was a piece of crap my whole life.
05:02All this stuff, making out sober, just misogynistic 20-year-old, I'm in love.
05:11I'm finally here.
05:12I'm a man.
05:13I love my wife.
05:14I'm a good guy.
05:15And I'm with my son, and I get there, and he loses his mind.
05:19He doesn't want to hold my hand.
05:21He gets sulky.
05:23He starts acting up.
05:24I'm in a line of people.
05:25You really can't hit him anymore.
05:27Or, like, I'm not saying you should hit a kid, but you should be able to shake him like
05:32an Etch-A-Sets, and just redo the board.
05:35You know what I mean?
05:36Just, let's make a house again.
05:38You know?
05:40The picture, I wish I had it.
05:41It's just him mad, and me just trying to smile.
05:46Oh, God, that must have been crushing.
05:47I got home, and I was like, he ruined it.
05:49I'm screaming at my wife.
05:51She starts talking.
05:52I go, just let me talk.
05:53I don't want you to talk to me.
05:56Just let me get it out.
05:58And plus, you know, I blame my therapist, too.
06:00He takes August off.
06:02What a hunk of garbage.
06:03I don't know what this is.
06:04All therapists take the month of August off.
06:06Did you know that?
06:07No.
06:07Yeah, that's a thing.
06:08That's a thing.
06:09That's a thing.
06:10How about if August, we were right there, and I was about to take a turn for the better
06:15and figure it all out?
06:16But no, he takes the month off.
06:18Everything tumbles out of control.
06:20The wheels fall off my car.
06:22And by September, I need him for another eight, nine, ten months.
06:25It seems like there's a plan here.
06:27Yeah, he should.
06:28I'm going to sue him.
06:29I'm going to sue him.
06:31I'm going to sue him.
06:32I'm going to sue him.
06:32I was almost there.
06:33If it's this July, I wouldn't be yelling right now.
06:36He'd be laughing.
06:37He'd have a fun time.
06:38But now, because of him, I'm screaming.
06:41Oh, God.
06:42Yeah, it's all right.
06:45But I love my son.
06:46He's the best.
06:47He got sad at something one day.
06:49And his mom wouldn't let him have something.
06:51And I was like, okay.
06:52And I saw, I just, you know, being in the show business that I am, I kind of was like,
06:56wait a minute.
06:57I said, hey, Max, come here for a second.
07:00I said, show me sad face.
07:03And he did the sad face.
07:05I go, show me angry.
07:06And he showed me this angry face.
07:08I said, show me happy.
07:09And he smiled.
07:10I go, you little son of a God.
07:13You little, you little lion sack.
07:18I know you.
07:20And I grabbed him by the back of the head, very gentle.
07:23And I pulled him in and I whispered in his hand, I go, I got your number, kid.
07:27I got you.
07:30And if you want me to tell your mom, I'll keep it quiet.
07:34I'll keep it quiet.
07:35But you better listen to me.
07:37You understand me?
07:38Or I'll rat you out to your mother.
07:40The John DiBella Show.
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07:44102.9 MGK.