This seminar was delivered at the Muslim Community Center - East Bay (MCC East Bay) in Pleasanton, California on December 9, 2023.
Hina Khan-Mukhtar is a married mother of three young men and one of the founders of the homeschooling co-operative known as ILM Tree in Lafayette, California, which now serves over 35 homeschooling families in the East Bay. In addition to teaching Language Arts to elementary, middle, and high school students, she is also involved in interfaith dialogue. Hina was a monthly contributor to The Muslim Observer’s “Raising Our Ummah” column. She also writes for Seeker’s Guidance, where she shares parenting advice and ideas for nurturing spiritual traditions in childhood. Learn more about her at https://hinakm.com
Hina Khan-Mukhtar is a married mother of three young men and one of the founders of the homeschooling co-operative known as ILM Tree in Lafayette, California, which now serves over 35 homeschooling families in the East Bay. In addition to teaching Language Arts to elementary, middle, and high school students, she is also involved in interfaith dialogue. Hina was a monthly contributor to The Muslim Observer’s “Raising Our Ummah” column. She also writes for Seeker’s Guidance, where she shares parenting advice and ideas for nurturing spiritual traditions in childhood. Learn more about her at https://hinakm.com
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LifestyleTranscript
00:00As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu.
00:05So in 2018, I was blessed, my husband and I were blessed in that we got to celebrate 25 years of marriage.
00:14And as of this past August, it's been 30 years now, mashallah.
00:19At the time, Seeker's Guidance, Sheikh Faraz Urbani, asked me if I would be willing to write an article
00:24in which I detailed the tips and pieces of advice and the do's and don'ts of what I had learned
00:32over the past two and a half decades in married life.
00:37And so I sat down and wrote this piece called 25 Years' Worth of Marriage Advice.
00:44And that article then developed into a talk.
00:47And this talk is one that I give at various Lua parties.
00:52So that article then developed into a talk that I've been giving at various, they're called now Lua parties.
00:58We didn't have them back when I got married in 1993, but mashallah, it's a beautiful tradition
01:03that many families have started now where, along with the bridal shower and the mehendi and the dolki
01:09and the little, you know, dance parties that young women have before their wedding celebrations,
01:14they'll also have an event called a Lua party where they'll have somebody come and speak
01:18and give marriage advice and the elders will give advice to the young bride and her friends.
01:23And so this talk, you know, developed from that.
01:27And so primarily most of the advice in this article is geared towards women.
01:32And for today's talk, I've tweaked it a little bit so that it addresses men as well as women.
01:38But what I want people to resist doing is I want women, the sisters, to resist thinking when they hear the advice
01:46in this discussion today, well, what about the men?
01:50What about him?
01:51Why are you just talking to us?
01:52And for the brothers, I'd like to encourage that you refrain from hearing some of this advice
01:58and thinking, aha, are you listening to the wives and to any other women in their lives?
02:05So this, whatever you feel benefits you, take from it, inshallah.
02:09Whatever you feel doesn't apply to you, feel free to ignore.
02:13I will say, however, that everything I listed in this article has worked for me
02:19and has worked in the lives of women that I respect and admire,
02:24whom I've been blessed to be able to observe.
02:26And so I'm only sharing that which I feel actually benefits, inshallah.
02:32But I do want you to keep in mind that everything I'm sharing is for those people who are in healthy marriages.
02:42And by healthy marriages, I mean that both spouses are God-fearing.
02:46They're not emotionally or physically abusive.
02:49They know how to give their partners their rights.
02:51They don't have any debilitating addictions, vices, personality disorders, or mental health struggles.
02:58So I wanted to say that from the get-go.
03:01Because a lot of these tips only work if you're in the right frame of mind, inshallah.
03:07So the first big overarching umbrella piece of advice that my mother shared with us
03:17and many women, senior women in our community shared is make Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala your number one love.
03:25And a scholar once told us that we should be looking at our orders of priorities in our lives like a pyramid.
03:32So you look at it like a pyramid.
03:34And you and your partner are on the bottom.
03:37And Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is at the top.
03:40And the understanding is that as you and your partner grow closer to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala,
03:44you also grow closer to each other.
03:46And one of the other scholars said to us that you want to marry somebody who's going to drag you to Jannah.
03:54And upon first hearing that, the reaction is, drag you to Jannah.
03:57That doesn't sound very nice.
03:59Like, it sounds kind of violent and forceful.
04:02What does that mean?
04:02But what it actually is indicating is that getting to Jannah isn't easy.
04:07And there's going to be times that you're going to feel discouraged.
04:10There's going to be times you're going to want to give up.
04:12There's going to be times when you're going to be lazy.
04:14And you're going to want a partner who's going to encourage you and motivate you
04:17and tell you, no, we can do this.
04:19We're going to do this together, inshallah.
04:21So each partner wants to be that for the other.
04:23Somebody who's going to drag the other to Jannah.
04:27And so we want to look at our lives like a pyramid
04:29where we and our partner are down here on the bottom
04:31and Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is at the top.
04:34And we also want to look at our circles of concern.
04:37And in the core of our circles of concern, in the core is Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
04:42Always making sure that his rights are met.
04:45And then after Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, we women, we look at our husbands.
04:50And men, we look at our, men look at their wives and their parents
04:54who are also their responsibility.
04:56And then after that, our children.
04:58After that, our teachers and our scholars and our neighbors.
05:02And after that, the greater community.
05:04And what happens sometimes is that people get the order of priorities mixed up.
05:10And that's when you see the barakah leaving the marriage.
05:13Where maybe we end up spending all our time giving it to the community
05:17and we're not looking at what our children need.
05:19Or maybe we're giving all our time to our best friends
05:22and we're not looking at what our husband needs.
05:24So it's important to make sure that we look at our circles of concern
05:28and we make sure that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is the one who is in the center of it all.
05:35You want to pray together and for one another, supplicating every step of the way.
05:40So anytime there's any major decisions to be made in the marriage,
05:43praying salat al-stakhara together.
05:45Anytime you have a major need, praying salat al-hajah.
05:50Salat al-hajah is the prayer of need.
05:52Salat al-stakhara is the prayer of guidance.
05:54I know somebody who, before they even buy a refrigerator,
05:57they will first, even if they've decided this is the refrigerator we want to get,
06:01they'll still pray al-stakhara in order to put barakah in the decision.
06:04So again, showing that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is the top priority, first and foremost.
06:08First, like Hasai said earlier, that you want to make your marriage a means of drawing closer to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
06:16So your marriage is just another act of ibadah.
06:20And so you don't look at it as how much is he doing for me versus how much am I doing for him.
06:26You look at it more as what am I doing that's going to be pleasing to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
06:31You want to have big intentions.
06:34And you're not, when you make big intentions and have big intentions, you're not keeping score.
06:38When you keep score, that is what brings bitterness and resentment into the marriage.
06:46So seeking Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala's pleasure and his approval is what's going to get, inshallah, all of us on the right track.
06:54Okay, so the first section was make Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala your number one love.
06:59The second section is work on increasing your love and affection.
07:04Men should know that women need affection.
07:10It's a primary need for women.
07:13And so we want to follow the example of the Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.
07:16There was a reason that he encouraged spouses to hold hands and to feed one another from the same plate.
07:22Just like any other blessing, marriage can start to feel stale.
07:26Stale, it can start to feel old.
07:29You can start to take it for granted.
07:31But these types of intimate gestures help reinvigorate the marriage.
07:37You want to take note of the five languages of love.
07:40There's a book out there that you can find that discusses the five languages of love.
07:44But a quick synopsis is that there's five ways that men and women show love to one another.
07:49Five ways all human beings show love to one another.
07:53And the way people show love is by providing service, by giving your time, by giving verbal praise and affirmation,
08:04by giving physical affection, and by giving gifts.
08:08These are the five languages of love.
08:10And you want to see which language of love your spouse is utilizing on you.
08:15If you have a different language of love, your spouse may not notice your language of love
08:21because they can't hear it because you're speaking a different language.
08:25And I'll give you a case in point.
08:27My love language is verbal affirmation.
08:30Big surprise.
08:31I'm big about talking, right, and telling people how much I appreciate them,
08:35writing about how much I appreciate them and love them.
08:38My husband's language of love is service.
08:41He doesn't talk much about how much he loves you.
08:43He's just quietly doing what needs to be done.
08:46And the times that my husband and I butt heads or we have a conflict,
08:50it's usually when we're speaking different languages of love and we're not hearing each other.
08:54So mine might be, you know, I made an effort to look nice and you didn't say anything about how pretty I look
09:00or you didn't say anything about how delicious my food is that I made for you today.
09:04And an example of a time when he was frustrated with me was when I borrowed his car
09:09and I came back and the gas tank was on empty.
09:12Because that's something he would never do.
09:14He would never leave me with an empty tank of gas.
09:17And so to him, it was a sign of inconsideration for me to overlook the fact that I was leaving him with an empty gas tank
09:24because he's all about service.
09:25So for me, in order to make sure that my husband feels loved,
09:28I have to get out of my comfort zone and do what I know my husband would do to show his love to me.
09:37And he gets out of his comfort zone, inshallah,
09:40and tries to make more of an effort of talking about things that I might want to hear from him.
09:45Another big need for women is the need for intimate conversation.
09:52They say that men fall in love with their eyes and women fall in love with their ears.
09:58And there's truth to that.
09:59That there's a reason women love poetry and there's a reason women love deep and intimate conversations
10:05and why they like to get on the phone with their friends and talk to them for a long time.
10:09Whereas husbands are just fine, you know, hearing the basic details of what's going on,
10:14the basic points and not going into too many details.
10:18So that's something for men to keep in mind, that women need intimate conversation
10:22and they need undivided attention when you are talking to them.
10:31So you want to establish a routine or a tradition that nobody else is allowed to get in the way of.
10:38So not work, not your parents, not your children.
10:41For some couples, it might be Sunday morning brunch.
10:45For others, it might be after dinner tea.
10:48Others may choose to go on an evening walk or read aloud to one another when they're in bed.
10:53There are many who've established a designated date night in their weekly schedule.
10:58The point is you want to have something special just for you two,
11:02and then you want to jealously guard it.
11:04It should be something that you both will miss if it ever gets taken away.
11:09By the way, something I actually meant to bring up in the beginning, which I forgot to.
11:14The title of my talk is actually about failing marriages.
11:18And I'm actually an optimist.
11:21And I'm somebody who tends to look at the glass as half full.
11:24And so I wanted to flip the script.
11:25Instead of talking about failing marriages, inshallah,
11:27I'd rather talk about what makes a marriage successful.
11:32And then people can look at that and see what is it that I need to be doing more of
11:36and what is it that I need to, inshallah, maybe stop.
11:40So date nights and special time for one another is something very important to bring into your schedule.
11:46You want to hold on to your passions and your interests.
11:49You may not be into each other's pet projects, and that's okay.
11:53But you should be each other's biggest cheerleaders.
11:56You want to ask sincere questions about whatever hobby the other person is into.
12:01I am not into football.
12:03I don't understand the game.
12:05I don't get why my sons and my husband are so excited about football.
12:09But, you know, I try to support them when they have their Super Bowl parties.
12:13I try to occasionally ask questions about what's going on.
12:16But I don't poo-poo it.
12:19I don't put it down.
12:21I don't make fun of them.
12:22I don't dismiss it as if it's something, you know, dumb.
12:25My husband jokes that he's a coffee and donut guy married to a tea and scone girl.
12:30We're very different about the things we like and that we enjoy.
12:33But we do try to take a healthy interest in what the other person enjoys
12:37and without being condescending about it.
12:40Men need recreational companions.
12:42They need somebody, they need their spouses to be interested in what they're doing
12:46and to make time to accompany them for things that are of interest to them.
12:52I was very touched recently over Thanksgiving break.
12:55My husband went out of his way to take me to visit the birthplace of William Shakespeare in England.
13:01And he is not into English literature.
13:04He has no curiosity about William Shakespeare.
13:08But he followed me around while I went around, you know,
13:11checking out the room that William Shakespeare was born in
13:13and the classroom that he studied in.
13:15He was a good sport about it.
13:17The truth is, if he made me go to a football game,
13:20I don't think I'd last.
13:21But alhamdulillah, it was a sign of him, you know,
13:24inshallah, taking an interest in that which I'm interested in.
13:27Um, khidmah, or service, the Arabic word for service, wins hearts.
13:35So filling his gas tank that you realize is almost on empty,
13:38helping him complete the dreaded tax warms,
13:41sewing on his button that you noticed came loose
13:43are all signs that you care about him and are looking out for him.
13:47For some spouses, actions speak louder than words.
13:51So there should be a difference, ladies,
13:53between you being present in his life and you being absent.
13:57Hussai touched on this in her talk,
14:02and I'm just going to quickly skim over it,
14:04but it's a very important point.
14:06Among the most important duties of husbands and wives
14:10in the Islamic context
14:11is the fulfillment of one another's sexual needs.
14:15This is not something to be taken lightly.
14:19Spouses who insist on rejecting their partner's advances
14:22cannot be surprised to then witness their relationship disintegrate.
14:28There are situations when a husband is forbidden
14:31to approach his wife for intercourse
14:33during her menstrual cycle,
14:35during her postpartum bleeding,
14:36and during the fasts in Ramadan.
14:39But outside of these cases,
14:40it is imperative for both spouses to do their utmost
14:44to make sure that they are partners in every way,
14:47not least of which physically.
14:51Always, always pray to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala,
14:54great and glorified is He,
14:55that He maintains the love in your heart for your spouse,
14:59and that He preserves the love in your partner's heart for you.
15:03Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is the one
15:05who put the love in our hearts for one another,
15:08and He's the one who can take it out just like that.
15:12Just like that.
15:14If tomorrow your spouse decides that they no longer love you
15:17and no longer want to be with you,
15:19there is nothing you can do about it.
15:22It is completely a gift from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
15:24that out of the billions of people in the world,
15:27there's one person who's choosing to love you,
15:29and you are choosing to love that person.
15:32So you have to recognize it as a blessing,
15:34and you need to be doing slothal shukar,
15:36a prayer of gratitude for that blessing.
15:40Okay, the next section.
15:42Your grandmothers were right.
15:45All men want respect.
15:49Ladies, men need admiration.
15:53They need to feel appreciated,
15:55and they need to feel that their women are proud of them.
16:00The wife may be the one to instigate
16:03most of the major changes in life.
16:04She might be the one who brings home the thicker paycheck.
16:08In some cases, she may even be older.
16:10However, the husband should be given the respect
16:14of having the clear role of being the amir,
16:17or the leader of the family.
16:20He should be honored by the wife and the children
16:23as the guardian of the household,
16:25and he, in turn, should recognize that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
16:28is the guardian of his and his wife's household.
16:32Now, of course, acknowledging that your husband is the amir
16:36doesn't mean that you aren't vocal in sharing your opinions.
16:40One grandmother joked,
16:42the husband is the head of the family,
16:44but the wife is the neck that turns the head.
16:47And you don't want to contradict or correct your husband in public.
16:52Same with husbands.
16:54You want to give each other the dignity that your partner deserves.
16:58You don't want to ever demean your spouse to your children.
17:01If you don't honor your children's parent,
17:04your children will not honor their parent either.
17:07And remember, it's still riba, or backbiting,
17:10to talk about your spouse in a way that he or she wouldn't like,
17:15even if you're only discussing your partner
17:18with people who will always love him or her.
17:21You don't want to let down your guard
17:23when it comes to your partner's rights.
17:27Ladies, if your husband ever buys you a gift
17:30that you don't love, love it anyway.
17:34Try to see the heart of the gift giver behind the gift.
17:37There are always gentle and cheerful ways
17:41of honestly communicating your preferences at a later time.
17:46And this is an important one for young people these days.
17:50Regardless of whether you had a social media presence
17:52before your marriage or not,
17:54once you're married,
17:56be aware of your partner's views
17:58on how much you post about yourself
18:01and your life with your partner.
18:03You want to respect each other's limits.
18:05Put your cell phone, your book,
18:09and yes, even your prayer beads away
18:11when your partner is trying to talk to you about their day.
18:15Give your undivided attention
18:17and teach your children who are old enough to understand
18:19that they are not to interrupt their parents' time together.
18:25Laugh with your partner,
18:27but never at your partner.
18:29Never laugh at your partner's expense.
18:31Okay, the next section.
18:35Make your home a haven,
18:37and ladies, make yourself his huri,
18:40and men, make yourself her hero.
18:44Now, I realize that there are many women today
18:46who are uncomfortable with the word huri.
18:49But huris are real creations of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala,
18:53and they are described in the Holy Quran
18:55as the companions in paradise.
18:57And I believe that it's time that we reclaim this word
19:01and own it for what it is.
19:03There's no reason why our homes
19:06cannot be little pieces of paradise, inshallah.
19:09And there's no reason why we cannot be heavenly companions
19:12for our husbands within our own homes.
19:15So when you see your beloved for the first time
19:18after he returns home or after she returns home,
19:21make sure to greet your partner
19:23and kiss him or her or hug him or her.
19:26Practicing Muslim men and women
19:28who have taqwa, God consciousness,
19:31will avoid all physical contact
19:33with men and women who are not their blood relatives.
19:37And many of them are surrounded at work
19:40by other men and women
19:42who make a real effort to look attractive
19:44and to smell good.
19:45You are the reward your husband gets
19:49at the end of a long, dry day.
19:52And you want to be soft and affectionate and fragrant.
19:57Men especially need to be physically attracted
20:00to their wives.
20:02And men want domestic bliss.
20:05What does domestic bliss look like?
20:08Everybody wants domestic bliss.
20:10So this is an umbrella definition of domestic bliss.
20:13But men especially are looking forward
20:15to escaping the world
20:16and finding that domestic bliss
20:18and support in their home.
20:21What it looks like is peace and quiet
20:24and no nagging.
20:28And it's a world that smells good,
20:31that's clean and organized,
20:33and it's not chaotic,
20:36and where a person feels welcome
20:38and a person feels supported.
20:40And so we want to make a real effort
20:44to make sure that our homes
20:46are the eye of the storm, right?
20:49The whole world is in turmoil right now.
20:51There's a big storm raging around us.
20:53But every storm that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
20:56has created has an eye of the storm
20:57where everything is peaceful
20:59and calm and quiet
21:00and things are not whirling around.
21:02Our homes can be the eye of the storm,
21:05inshallah,
21:06if both husband and wife work at it.
21:08When you know that life
21:10has been stressful and busy,
21:12this goes for the men
21:13as well as the women,
21:14wait until your partner
21:16has had a chance to relax
21:17before asking them to do anything
21:19or breaking any bad news to them.
21:22Everything about you,
21:23from your clothes to your hair
21:25to your skin to your breath,
21:26should smell clean and fresh
21:29for yourself, yes,
21:31but especially so for your partner.
21:33You want to be kind and welcoming
21:35to one another's friends,
21:36but you don't ever want to be in solitude
21:39with the opposite gender.
21:40And that includes not being alone
21:43with a person of the opposite gender
21:46on social media either.
21:49It's very easy to think that you're safe
21:51because there isn't any physical contact,
21:54but it's very easy to start
21:57to become emotionally attached
21:59to somebody else
22:00if they're showing you kindness
22:02and friendliness,
22:04even if it's just through texting
22:06or on social media.
22:12Okay, the next section is called
22:14Conflict is Inevitable.
22:18Learn how to manage it
22:19in a healthy manner.
22:20So the first two years of marriage
22:23often end up being the most exciting
22:26as well as the most challenging.
22:29Even if you were to go on a fun
22:31best friends trip,
22:33you know, the men with their buddies
22:34and the women with their girlfriends,
22:36if you were to go on a trip,
22:38you're bound to rub each other
22:39the wrong way
22:40after being in each other's space
22:42for, you know, periods of time
22:44and traveling together.
22:45So of course that's going to happen
22:47even with your spouse,
22:48especially with your spouse.
22:50And so in the first couple of years,
22:52you're learning how to live
22:54with another nafs,
22:55with another ego,
22:56while your partner is also
22:58having to do the same.
22:59But what it comes down to
23:00is that marriage
23:01isn't so much about struggling
23:03against another nafs,
23:05another ego,
23:06as much as it is about struggling
23:08against your own nafs,
23:09against your own ego.
23:10So expect to be challenged.
23:13Intend to grow.
23:18It's perfectly okay
23:20to have different personalities
23:22and to have different interests.
23:25Variety is a spice of life.
23:27But what you want to make sure
23:29is that both of you
23:30have the same goals
23:31for your marriage
23:32and for your future family
23:34and that you're both
23:35on the same page
23:36about how you're going
23:37to achieve those goals,
23:39inshallah.
23:41So one of my cousins
23:43caused a bit of consternation
23:44in our family
23:45when we were having
23:46a group discussion
23:46about marriage.
23:47We were giving advice
23:48to a cousin of mine
23:49who was getting married.
23:50And he said,
23:52I don't believe
23:53in the word compromise
23:54when it comes to marriage.
23:55And my mother,
23:57she was like,
23:58what are you saying?
23:59Marriage is compromise.
24:00But then he went on
24:02to explain,
24:03if you think of everything
24:04as a compromise,
24:06you're going to keep score
24:07and you're eventually
24:08going to become bitter.
24:10Once you decide
24:11to do something,
24:12try to embrace it fully
24:13and believe in it.
24:15Don't think of it
24:16as a compromise anymore.
24:18And we all agreed
24:18that there was wisdom in that.
24:21You want to self-reflect
24:22and you don't want
24:24to be too proud
24:25to apologize.
24:26The relief
24:27on your partner's face
24:28and the peace
24:29that comes in the home
24:31after suffering
24:32the sting
24:33of stepping
24:34on your own nuffs,
24:35on your own ego
24:36in order to say,
24:38I'm sorry,
24:39I was wrong,
24:40is so,
24:42so worth it.
24:44It's worth it.
24:47It's a given
24:48that all of us
24:50are going to get angry
24:51at some point or another.
24:52But it's when
24:53tempers are flared
24:55that people's
24:56true natures
24:57are revealed.
24:58You want to be mindful
25:00of who you
25:01always want to be.
25:03Try,
25:04even if it's a struggle,
25:06to maintain
25:06your adab,
25:07your manners,
25:08your etiquettes
25:09when you're upset.
25:10Being angry
25:11is never
25:12an excuse
25:13to break
25:14or throw things,
25:15to scream,
25:16to curse,
25:17to use foul language,
25:19to slam doors,
25:20to pull hair,
25:21to scratch,
25:22to spit,
25:22to raise an arm,
25:23or to throw punches.
25:25These are all things
25:26that happen
25:26in dysfunctional marriages.
25:27There's no excuse
25:29for them ever.
25:30Don't casually
25:31toss around
25:33the D word,
25:34divorce,
25:35every time
25:36you feel overwhelmed.
25:39In regards
25:40to our
25:40interpersonal conduct
25:42when we're feeling
25:43frustrated,
25:44it's important
25:44to always remember,
25:46Allah,
25:47subhanahu wa ta'ala,
25:48is watching.
25:49don't ever be
25:55disrespectful
25:55to your partner.
25:57What does
25:58disrespect look like?
25:59What is disrespect?
26:01Very simple
26:02rule of thumb.
26:03If your partner
26:04thinks you're
26:05being disrespectful,
26:06you are.
26:07That's it.
26:09If your partner
26:10says,
26:11I feel disrespected,
26:12you're being
26:13disrespectful.
26:13This is a really
26:17big one
26:17that my mom
26:18always told us
26:19and it's a golden rule.
26:21When your spouse
26:22is angry
26:22or visibly agitated,
26:25stay quiet
26:25in the heat
26:26of the moment.
26:27You can always
26:28make your point
26:29at a later time.
26:30There's always
26:31time later.
26:32It doesn't have
26:32to be said
26:33right then and there.
26:36When addressing
26:37your disagreements,
26:38avoid using
26:39absolutes
26:40like always
26:41and never.
26:42It's not fair
26:43to forget
26:44the positives
26:45in your spouse
26:46by saying
26:46you always
26:47do this bad thing
26:48or you never
26:49do that good thing.
26:51It's rare
26:52that issues
26:53are black and white.
26:54There are always
26:55shades of gray.
26:56I just said always.
26:57Most of the time
26:58there are shades
26:59of gray.
27:00So we shouldn't
27:01be so quick
27:01to condemn
27:02one another.
27:03Don't expect
27:04your partner
27:04to be a mind reader.
27:06If something
27:06is bothering you,
27:07discuss it.
27:09Set yourself up
27:10for success
27:10by beginning
27:11your conversation
27:12with an I statement
27:13instead of a you statement.
27:15For example,
27:16instead of saying
27:17you left your clothes
27:19all over the bedroom again.
27:20That was so thoughtless
27:21of you.
27:23Instead,
27:24try to turn it around
27:25and say
27:25I feel frustrated
27:27when I find clothes
27:29all over the bedroom
27:30at the end
27:30of a long day.
27:32Try to avoid
27:33getting personal
27:34and don't assume
27:35that your partner
27:36knows exactly
27:37how their actions
27:39are affecting you.
27:40Give your partner
27:41the benefit
27:42of the doubt.
27:43You want to learn
27:44to distinguish
27:44between a criticism
27:46and a complaint.
27:48A complaint
27:49is an expression
27:50of a problem
27:51that you'd like
27:53to solve.
27:54For example,
27:55it's really frustrating
27:58for me
27:58to find a messy bedroom
28:00at the end
28:01of a long day.
28:02That's a complaint.
28:03A criticism
28:05adds disrespect
28:07to the complaint.
28:09It is so frustrating
28:10for me to know
28:11that you're a slob.
28:12Why are you such a slob?
28:13How were you raised?
28:15That's a criticism.
28:17Okay,
28:18don't go to sleep angry.
28:20Stay up and fight instead.
28:22No, I'm just kidding.
28:23I'm kidding.
28:24Contrary
28:27to the age-old
28:28advice
28:28to resolve
28:29all conflicts
28:30before going to bed,
28:31sometimes
28:32it actually helps
28:33to sleep on a problem.
28:35But first,
28:37you have to
28:38calm yourself down
28:39by reminding yourself
28:40to have
28:40tawakku
28:41or trust in Allah.
28:43Once you've had
28:44a full night's rest,
28:45you can tackle
28:46your problems
28:47with a fresh attitude
28:48the next day.
28:49What you want
28:50to make sure
28:51to avoid
28:51is sleeping
28:52in separate beds.
28:54You'll be surprised
28:55how many problems
28:56can eventually
28:57get solved
28:58just by snuggling
28:59under the covers together.
29:00It's Shaitan
29:01who wants to
29:02separate you two.
29:03Always remember that.
29:05Avoid arguing
29:06in front of your children,
29:08but if they ever
29:09do witness
29:10a loud disagreement
29:11between you
29:12and your spouse,
29:13make sure
29:15to make up
29:16and apologize
29:17in front of your children
29:19as well.
29:20Show them
29:20that marital conflict
29:22is not the end
29:23of the world
29:23and that there are
29:24healthy ways
29:25to resolve issues.
29:27Let them witness
29:28you apologizing
29:29and hugging it out.
29:32Holding grudges
29:33breeds toxicity
29:35and dysfunction.
29:37Once issues
29:38are resolved,
29:39don't keep up
29:40bringing past mistakes.
29:43Learn to forgive
29:44and then forgive
29:46every single day.
29:48have a sense
29:51of humor
29:51about each other's
29:52flaws
29:53and foibles.
29:55For example,
29:56I am always
29:57losing
29:58my eyeglasses.
29:59Always.
30:00I have,
30:01I think,
30:01ten pairs
30:02lying around the house.
30:04More.
30:05My husband
30:06is always
30:07collecting them
30:07and putting them
30:08in a safe place
30:09for me,
30:09but I'm still
30:10always losing them.
30:11I wish eyeglasses
30:12had the feature
30:13that the iPhone did
30:14where you say,
30:14Siri,
30:15where are you?
30:15And your eyeglasses
30:16say,
30:16here I am.
30:17But they don't.
30:19But my husband
30:19never gets mad
30:20at me about it.
30:22He's,
30:22Alhamdulillah,
30:23always got a sense
30:24of humor
30:24about me
30:25being annoying,
30:27honestly.
30:28I'm being very annoying
30:29by always
30:29searching for my glasses
30:31as I'm going out
30:32the door.
30:33But Alhamdulillah,
30:34just have to have
30:35a sense of humor
30:36about each other's flaws.
30:38Go with the flow
30:39and four other words,
30:41just let it go.
30:44Just let it go.
30:45All right.
30:47The next section
30:48is called
30:49Be a Uniter
30:50and Not a Divider.
30:53When you get
30:54to know your in-laws,
30:55you're going to see
30:56that not every family
30:58does everything
31:00the way your family does.
31:01And that's not
31:02necessarily a bad thing.
31:04You want to take
31:05the good that you see
31:07in your new family
31:08and you want to adopt it
31:09and you want to
31:10ignore the bad.
31:11And you want to resolve
31:12with your husband,
31:13however,
31:14not to allow
31:15either of your family's
31:17poor habits
31:18and poor choices
31:18to continue
31:19in the next generation
31:20that you're hoping
31:21to raise together,
31:22inshallah.
31:25You don't want to
31:26complain about
31:28or criticize
31:29your spouse
31:30to your own family.
31:31You're eventually
31:33going to get over
31:34whatever was bothering you,
31:36but it's going to be
31:37difficult for your parents
31:39and your siblings
31:40to forgive and forget
31:41so easily.
31:42You want them
31:43to respect your partner.
31:46So you want to be a veil
31:47for your husband,
31:49brothers,
31:49you want to be a veil
31:50for your wife.
31:51Physical abuse,
31:52however,
31:53is a non-negotiable
31:54deal-breaker.
31:56God forbid
31:56if that line
31:57is ever crossed,
31:58you want to sound
31:59the alarm
31:59and you want to get
32:00help immediately.
32:00If you want
32:03your partner
32:04to respect
32:05your family,
32:06you're going to have
32:07to show respect
32:08for your family first.
32:09Your partner
32:10will follow your lead.
32:12If your partner
32:13sees that your family
32:15is always causing you
32:16to feel stressed out
32:17and annoyed,
32:18then they're eventually
32:19going to start
32:20to resent your family
32:21for bringing stress
32:23into their own household.
32:24So you want to protect
32:25and nurture
32:26that special
32:27yet fragile relationship
32:29between your spouse
32:30and their in-laws.
32:33Even if it's not
32:34a priority
32:34for your spouse,
32:36you want to take
32:37the time
32:37to buy
32:38your partner's parents
32:40and siblings' presents.
32:42Remember their
32:42significant days
32:43just because.
32:45The Prophet
32:46said,
32:47give gifts
32:48to each other
32:49and you will
32:49love one another.
32:51So go ahead
32:51and buy
32:52your in-laws' love.
32:54It's sinna after all.
32:57If your husband
32:58or your wife
32:59is ever upset
33:01with their own parents
33:02or siblings
33:03or extended family,
33:04don't jump in
33:06and encourage
33:06your partner
33:07in their negative opinions.
33:09You want to defend
33:10your in-laws
33:11and make excuses
33:12for them
33:12and encourage
33:13your partner
33:13to see the good
33:15in them.
33:16Be their advocate.
33:17If you have
33:18nothing nice to say,
33:19just stay silent.
33:21Your partner
33:21may not admit it then,
33:23may not admit it then,
33:25but he or she
33:27will be grateful
33:28for your attitude
33:29later
33:29and will thank you
33:30even if only
33:31in their hearts
33:32because the truth is
33:34nobody wants
33:36to hear anybody else
33:37bad-mouthing
33:38their own family.
33:39So remember
33:40when we talked
33:41earlier about
33:41service being
33:43one of the five
33:44languages of love?
33:45Well, here is
33:46an opportunity
33:47for one of the
33:48highest forms
33:49of service.
33:51You want to be
33:51someone who helps
33:52mend hearts
33:53and helps bring
33:54relations together.
33:56Don't be a cause
33:57for discord
33:58in the family.
34:03This next section
34:04is called
34:04Don't Try to Keep Up
34:05with the Joneses.
34:08You want to avoid
34:09debt like the plague.
34:11A large,
34:12fancy,
34:13expensive house
34:14may do nothing
34:15towards making you happy.
34:18However,
34:18a small,
34:19clean,
34:20cozy,
34:21simple,
34:21peaceful home
34:22in a safe neighborhood
34:23filled with people
34:24who are hopefully
34:25trying to please
34:26Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
34:27can very well feel
34:29like a palace
34:30in heaven.
34:31Inshallah.
34:33Responsibly
34:33managing
34:34the family budget
34:35will avoid
34:36a lot of stress
34:37in your marriage.
34:39Paying riba
34:40or usury
34:40brings about
34:42all kinds of problems
34:43in one's life
34:44and it destroys
34:45the barakah
34:46or the blessing
34:47in the home.
34:48Don't
34:49ever pay interest
34:51even if it means
34:52you never get to own
34:53your own home
34:53or your own car
34:54in this life.
34:56Keep your
34:57akhira glasses on
34:58as they say.
35:02Make do
35:03with what you have
35:04and only complain
35:05to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
35:06for your wants
35:07and needs.
35:08Make your husband
35:09feel like a hero.
35:11Make your wife
35:12feel like a hoodie.
35:13having said that
35:15don't hesitate
35:16to schedule time
35:18to have honest
35:18conversations
35:19with your spouse
35:20about anything
35:21that needs to be
35:22improved.
35:22The key is
35:23not to become
35:25an irritating nag
35:26who is constantly
35:27whining
35:28and complaining
35:29and issuing orders.
35:31You want to talk
35:32to your spouse
35:33when he or she
35:34is in the headspace
35:35to listen.
35:36Be grateful
35:38be grateful
35:39be grateful
35:41Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
35:43says in the
35:43Holy Quran
35:44if you are grateful
35:45I will surely
35:47increase you
35:48and Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
35:49always keeps
35:51his promises.
35:53Remember
35:53you're not
35:55going to have it all
35:56not in this life
35:57at least.
35:58So don't compare
35:59your life
36:00to others
36:01and at the same time
36:03you might not want
36:03to brag to the world
36:05about how happy
36:07you are
36:07or how perfect
36:08your life is.
36:10Ayn
36:10the evil I
36:11and hasad
36:13malicious jealousy
36:14are two realities
36:15that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
36:16in his wisdom
36:17has allowed
36:18to exist
36:19in this world.
36:20So you want
36:21to protect
36:21your marriage
36:22from them.
36:24Besides
36:24who wants
36:25to be the cause
36:26for pain
36:27or sadness
36:28in the lives
36:29of those
36:29who are struggling
36:30with their own
36:31love lives
36:31right?
36:33There are going
36:33to be little
36:34things that are
36:35going to irritate
36:36you about
36:37your spouse
36:37and sometimes
36:38those causes
36:40for irritation
36:41might start
36:42to feel like
36:42bigger things
36:43even when they're
36:44not.
36:45At those times
36:46you want to
36:46remind yourself
36:47that perfection
36:49is only
36:50for Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
36:51and you want
36:52to try to think
36:53about what your
36:53life would be like
36:54without your partner
36:55and you want
36:57to be grateful
36:57for a spouse
36:58who is choosing
36:59to somehow
37:00still accept
37:01you despite
37:02your shortcomings
37:03and if somebody
37:04else's husband
37:06or wife
37:07seems perfect
37:08to you
37:08remember
37:09that everyone
37:10has flaws
37:11and good spouses
37:13hide their
37:14spouse's shortcomings
37:15so you're probably
37:16not getting
37:17the full picture
37:18nor should you
37:19expect to.
37:21This is a
37:22big one
37:23and I heard
37:24Baba Ali
37:25touch on this
37:26earlier.
37:27Instead of
37:28chasing happiness
37:29try aiming
37:31for contentment
37:32instead.
37:34Aim for
37:34rida
37:34for contentment.
37:37Don't take
37:38one another
37:39for granted.
37:40Your spouse
37:41is a duniawi
37:42or worldly
37:43blessing
37:44that can be
37:44taken away
37:45at any moment
37:46and believe it
37:47or not
37:48somewhere out
37:49there is
37:49somebody
37:49who would
37:50be more
37:50than happy
37:51to trade
37:51places
37:52with you.
37:53So appreciate
37:53what and
37:55whom
37:55Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
37:56has given
37:56to you.
37:58The next
37:58section
37:59is called
37:59have
38:00a mentor
38:01in marriage.
38:03Avoid
38:04getting marital
38:05advice
38:06from people
38:06who you know
38:07are having
38:08their own
38:09relationship
38:09problems.
38:10Similarly
38:11stay away
38:13from getting
38:13advice
38:13from newbies
38:14who are still
38:15learning the ropes
38:16themselves.
38:17I tell this
38:17to young people
38:18all the time.
38:19Don't get
38:19advice from
38:20your best friend
38:20who got married
38:21last year.
38:23Look to
38:24someone who
38:24has a long
38:25term
38:26successful
38:26marriage
38:27of his
38:27or her
38:28own
38:28to find
38:29out
38:29how to
38:29make it
38:30work.
38:31Try to
38:31find one
38:32wise
38:33discreet
38:34person
38:34to consult.
38:35Don't tell
38:36everybody
38:36your problems.
38:38If somebody
38:39you respect
38:40says that
38:42you need
38:42therapy
38:42you probably
38:44do.
38:45Don't be
38:45ashamed
38:46to do
38:47whatever it
38:48takes to
38:49save your
38:49marriage.
38:50Give it
38:50your all.
38:51If you
38:52do pay
38:53for marital
38:54therapy
38:55only seek
38:56out
38:56trained
38:56professionals
38:57who
38:57understand
38:58and
38:59respect
38:59the
38:59parameters
39:00and
39:01priorities
39:01of your
39:02religion.
39:03You'll be
39:03surprised
39:04at how
39:05often
39:05well-meaning
39:06but spiritually
39:08clueless
39:08therapists
39:09will prescribe
39:10the haram
39:12or divinely
39:13prohibited
39:13as medicine
39:14for a troubled
39:15marriage.
39:16I know
39:16the young
39:16couple
39:17who were
39:18having
39:18bedroom
39:19issues
39:19and their
39:20non-Muslim
39:21marital
39:22therapist
39:22told them
39:23to watch
39:23pornography
39:24together.
39:25That was
39:26what they
39:26were advised.
39:27So we're
39:28very grateful
39:28for organizations
39:30like Wasila
39:30and Muslim
39:33marital
39:33therapists
39:34in our
39:34community
39:35who we
39:35can turn
39:36to.
39:37Inshallah.
39:39Okay,
39:39and the
39:40last section
39:41is called
39:42Set Yourself
39:43Up to
39:44Soar
39:44Spiritually.
39:46Your spouse
39:47may be
39:48your best
39:49friend
39:49or maybe
39:51he or she
39:52is not
39:53your best
39:53friend.
39:54That's okay.
39:56Either way,
39:57you don't
39:58want to
39:58neglect
39:59your good
39:59friends
40:00that you
40:00do have
40:01in your
40:01life.
40:01You want
40:02to take
40:02time to
40:03nurture
40:03those bonds
40:04that help
40:05you be
40:05a better
40:06person.
40:07There's going
40:07to come
40:07a day
40:08when you're
40:08going to
40:08need the
40:09women,
40:09you're going
40:10to need
40:10the support
40:10of your
40:10sisters
40:11and there's
40:12going to
40:12be a time
40:12when brothers
40:13are going
40:13to need
40:14the support
40:15of your
40:15brothers.
40:16But don't
40:17let falling
40:17in love
40:18make you
40:19fall out
40:19of friendship
40:20with your
40:20tribe.
40:21You want
40:22to consider
40:22connection
40:23with your
40:24friends as
40:24part of
40:25your self
40:25care.
40:26But remember
40:27that your
40:28spouse and
40:29your spouse's
40:30needs always
40:31take precedence.
40:33If after
40:34being married
40:35people routinely
40:36mistake you
40:37for being
40:38single,
40:39you're definitely
40:40doing something
40:40wrong.
40:42You want
40:43to attend
40:43religious classes
40:44together,
40:45religious workshops
40:46together,
40:47either in
40:47person or
40:48online.
40:49The point
40:50is to keep
40:51growing together
40:52spiritually.
40:53You may
40:54not grow
40:54at the same
40:55pace and
40:56that's okay.
40:57You're two
40:57separate souls
40:58after all.
41:00But at least
41:00you'll respect
41:01the same
41:02teachers and
41:03you'll understand
41:04each other's
41:04motivations and
41:05goals,
41:06inshallah.
41:08Instead of
41:08listening to
41:09those people
41:10who advise
41:11don't let
41:12marriage change
41:12you amend
41:14their words
41:15to marriage
41:16should only
41:16change you
41:17for the
41:18better,
41:18inshallah.
41:19Take an
41:20occasional break
41:21and travel
41:22even if you
41:23can only afford
41:24to do so
41:24locally.
41:25We're very
41:25fortunate here
41:26in Northern
41:26California.
41:27Lots of
41:27beautiful places
41:28to explore.
41:30So get out
41:32there and get
41:33out of your
41:34neighborhood and
41:35explore together.
41:36But, like
41:39Husay said
41:39earlier, make
41:41Allah subhanahu
41:42ta'ala your
41:43ultimate destination.
41:46That's it.