If Bank CEOs Were Honest #shorts #banking #overdraft #fees #parody #honestads
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00:00Let's say, hypothetically, I fell for a pig-butchering scam and handed your money over to a crypto grifter.
00:07Or, theoretically, I got caught opening dummy accounts in your name, hoarding fees and credit card points you had no idea you were accruing.
00:16And maybe, and I'm just spitballing here, I got mixed up in the subprime mortgage lending game.
00:22The FDIC exists to refill your coffers so that you jumpy plebs don't freak out like you did during the Depression.
00:30But we're not just an ancient and evil instrument of class warfare.
00:34We're also a hurricane of dystopian nuisances disguised as modern conveniences.
00:40Mobile banking has ushered in countless data breaches and phishing scams.
00:44AI customer support bots are a great way to call my workforce while disincentivizing you from complaining.
00:51Even overdraft fees, a tool I use to slurp up $9 billion a year from your pocket, was introduced in the 90s.
01:00As a way for you to avoid the embarrassment of a bounce check.
01:04Of course, for a three-digit lightweight like you, banking isn't all that complicated.
01:09All you really need me to do is turn your bi-weekly direct deposit into a wad of disease-ridden napkins so you can buy more cereal for dinner.
01:18Lucky for you, I've bought up prime real estate in every downtown in America, slapped some Doric columns on the outside, and decked out the inside like a sterile hipster cafe out of 2012.
01:31Number 12, you want a corporation that will foreclose on your mom's house and sell you a cup of coffee.
01:38You want R.G. Hortbank.