Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Sheldon, why is this letter in the trash?
00:03Well, there's always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter.
00:08But Occam's razor would suggest that someone threw it out.
00:12It's from the Institute for Experimental Physics.
00:14They want us to present our paper on the properties of super solids at the topical conference on Bose-Einstein condensates.
00:20I know. I read it before I threw it out.
00:23Okay, if I may drill down to the bedrock of my question, why did you throw it out?
00:28Because I have no interest in standing in the rose room of the Pasadena Marriott in front of a group of judgmental strangers
00:34who wouldn't recognize true genius if it were standing in front of them giving a speech.
00:38Which, if I were there, it would be.
00:41I don't know. Sheldon, those topical conference on Bose-Einstein condensates parties are legendary.
00:46Forget the parties?
00:48Forget the parties? What a nerd.
00:52Are there any other honors I've gotten that I don't know about?
00:55Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?
00:58Leonard, please don't take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize
01:01is the day I begin my research on the drag coefficient of tassels on flying carpets.
01:06The only thing missing from that insult was your mama.
01:12I got one. Hey, Leonard, your mama's research methodology is so flawed.
01:15Shut up, Howard.
01:18Sheldon, we have to do this.
01:19No, we don't.
01:20We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep ourselves from dying.
01:25Everything else is optional.
01:28Okay, let me put it this way. I'm doing it.
01:30You can't. I'm the lead author.
01:32Come on. The only reason you're the lead author is because we went alphabetically.
01:36I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation of dealing with the fact that it was my idea.
01:41Not to put too fine a point on it, but I was throwing you a bone.
01:45You're welcome.
01:47Excuse me. I designed the experiment to prove the hypothesis.
01:50It doesn't need proving.
01:52So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word?
01:56They're not supposed to, but they should.
01:59All right, I don't care what you say. I'm going to the conference and I'm presenting our findings.
02:03And I forbid it.
02:05You forbid it?
02:07If I'm not taking credit for our work, then nobody is.
02:09So you admit that it's our work?
02:11No. Once again, I'm throwing you a bone.
02:15Once again, you are welcome.
02:20Oh no, he didn't.
02:22Event A. A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower.
02:25Event B. We drive halfway across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman's ex-boyfriend.
02:31Query. On what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events?
02:37She asked me to do her a favor, Sheldon.
02:40Yes, well, that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher-level distal cause.
02:47Which is?
02:48You think with your penis.
02:50That's a biological impossibility, and you didn't have to come.
02:54Oh, right. Yes, I could have stayed behind to watch Wolowitz try to hit on Penny in Russian, Arabic, and Farsi.
03:00Why can't she get her own TV?
03:02There's some kind of dispute between Penny and her ex-boyfriend as to who gets custody of the TV.
03:06She just wanted to avoid having a scene with him.
03:09Does he get to have a scene with him?
03:11No, Sheldon, there's not going to be a scene.
03:13I'll do the talking.
03:16Yeah.
03:17Hi, I'm Leonard, this is Sheldon.
03:19Hello.
03:20What did I just...
03:22Uh, we're here to pick up Penny's TV.
03:25Get lost.
03:26Okay, thanks for your time.
03:27We're not gonna give up just like that.
03:29Leonard, the TV's in the building.
03:31We've been denied access to the building, ergo we are done.
03:33Come on, we have a combined IQ of 360.
03:36We should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.
03:43What do you think their combined IQ is?
03:44Just grab the door.
03:48This is it.
03:51I'll do the talking.
03:52Good thinking, I'll just be the muscle.
03:55Yeah?
03:56Hi, I'm Leonard, this is Sheldon.
03:58From the intercom.
04:01How the hell did you get in the building?
04:03Uh, we're scientists.
04:08Tell him about our IQ.
04:11Leonard.
04:12What?
04:13My mom bought me those pants.
04:14I'm sorry.
04:15I'm sorry, we cannot do this without Wolowitz.
04:18We can't order Chinese food without Wolowitz?
04:23We can't order Chinese food.
04:24We just can't.
04:25We have to.
04:26We can't order Chinese food without Wolowitz.
04:32What did I just say?
04:33You said we can't order Chinese food without Wolowitz.
04:35We can order Chinese food without Wolowitz.
04:37I didn't say that.
04:39Let me walk you through it.
04:41Our standard order is the steamed dumpling appetizer, General Tso's chicken, beef with
04:45broccoli, shrimp with lobster sauce, and vegetable lo mein.
04:49Do you see the problem?
04:51I see a problem.
04:54Our entire order is predicated on four dumplings and four entrees divided amongst four people.
05:03So we'll just order three entrees.
05:05Fine.
05:06What do you want to eliminate and who gets the extra dumpling?
05:08We could cut it into thirds.
05:10Then it's no longer a dumpling.
05:11Once you cut it open, it is at best a very small open-faced sandwich.
05:14Oh, hi, fellas.
05:16Oh, where's your annoying little friend who thinks he speaks Mandarin?
05:22He's putting his needs ahead of the collective good.
05:24Where he comes from, that's punishable by death.
05:27I come from Sacramento.
05:34Can we get an order of dumplings but with three instead of four?
05:36No substitutions.
05:38This isn't a substitution.
05:40It's a reduction.
05:41Okay.
05:42No reductions.
05:43Fine.
05:44Bring us three orders of dumplings.
05:47That's 12.
05:48We'll each have four.
05:49That works.
05:50No.
05:51If we fill up on dumplings, we need to eliminate another entree.
05:52No eliminations.
05:53If we have extra, we'll just take the leftovers home.
05:57And divide it how?
05:58I'm telling you, we cannot do this without Wolowitz.
06:01Wolowitz is with his new girlfriend.
06:03If you had let me invite Penny, then you would have had your fourth.
06:05Have you seen Penny eat Chinese food?
06:07She uses a fork and she double dips her egg rolls.
06:10We don't order egg rolls.
06:11Exactly.
06:12But we'd have to if she was here.
06:13Can we please make a decision?
06:15Not only are the children starving in India, there's an Indian starving right here.
06:21There's an idea.
06:22Why don't we just go out for Indian food?
06:23No.
06:24Ugh.
06:25You are nice boys.
06:26I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
06:29I'm going to bring you the four dumplings.
06:31When I'm walking over to the table, maybe I get bumped.
06:34One of the dumplings fall to the floor.
06:36No one has to know.
06:39I'll know.
06:40How about soup?
06:41Yeah, we can always divide soup.
06:42What about the wontons?
06:43I'm just saying, you can take the damn plastic off the couch once in a while.
06:44Why?
06:45So you and Howard can hump on it?
06:46Ladies, ladies.
06:47I'm sure there's a middle ground.
06:48Shut up, Howard.
06:49If you guys talk, I'm going to take my scooter out for a little spin.
07:06You happy?
07:07You drove your own son out of the house.
07:08Hey.
07:09Why don't you stop butting in when you don't belong?
07:10What are you guys doing here?
07:11It's Halo Night.
07:12He's not a man, he's a putz.
07:13And don't you take that tone with me, you gold digger.
07:14What are you guys doing here?
07:15What are you guys doing here?
07:16What are you guys doing here?
07:17What are you guys doing here?
07:18What are you guys doing here?
07:19What are you guys doing here?
07:20What are you guys doing here?
07:21What are you guys doing here?
07:22What are you guys doing here?
07:23What are you guys doing here?
07:24What are you guys doing here?
07:25What are you guys doing here?
07:26What are you guys doing here?
07:27What are you guys doing here?
07:28What are you guys doing here?
07:29What are you guys doing here?
07:30What are you guys doing here?
07:31What are you guys doing here?
07:32What are you guys doing here?
07:33What are you guys doing here?
07:34What are you guys doing here?
07:35What are you guys doing here?
07:36What are you guys doing here?
07:37What are you guys doing here?
07:38What are you guys doing here?
07:39What are you guys doing here?
07:40What are you guys doing here?
07:41What are you guys doing here?
07:42Any other questions?
07:46Dr. Sheldon Cooper here.
07:48I am the lead author of this particular paper.
07:54And you, sir, you have completely skipped over the part where I was walking through the park
08:00and I saw these children on a merry-go-round, which started me thinking about the moment of inertia
08:05in gases like helium at temperatures approaching absolute zero.
08:08I didn't skip it.
08:09It's just an anecdote.
08:10It's not science.
08:11Oh, oh, I see.
08:12It was the apple falling on Newton's head.
08:14Was that just an anecdote?
08:16You are not Isaac Newton.
08:17No, no, that's true.
08:18Gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple.
08:21You cannot possibly be that arrogant.
08:23You continue to underestimate me, my good man.
08:26Look, if you weren't happy with my presentation, then maybe you should have given it with me.
08:30As I have explained repeatedly, unlike you, I don't need validation from lesser minds.
08:34No offense.
08:36Really? So why did you come?
08:37Because I knew you'd screw this up.
08:39Maybe I didn't go to college when I was 11, like you.
08:42Maybe I got my doctorate at 24 instead of 16.
08:45But you are not the only person who is smarter than everyone else in this room.
08:50No offense.
08:52And I am clearly not the only person who is tormented by insecurity
08:56and has an ego in need of constant validation.
08:58So you admit you're an egotist?
09:00Yes!
09:02My name is Dr. Leonard Hofstetter, and I could never please my parents,
09:05so I need to get all my self-esteem from strangers like you.
09:08But he's worse!
09:09Okay, that is it.
09:11Stop it.
09:14You cannot blow up my head with your mind.
09:17Then I'll settle for an aneurysm.
09:19Stop it.
09:20You hit me. You saw that. He hit me.
09:22You were trying to blow up my head.
09:24So it was working.
09:25It wasn't. It was not. You are a nutcase!
09:27Oh, we'll see about that.
09:28Heads up, you people in the front row. This is a splash zone.
09:32Stop it!
09:33Quit it!
09:39Is this usually how these physics things go?
09:42More often than you think.
09:48Let's go.
09:50Ah, ooh, tonight.
09:56I have to go.
09:58Ah, ooh, tonight.
10:02What the hell is that?
10:05I don't know.
10:06I don't know, but if cats could sing, they'd hate it too.
10:16You wanna prowl? Be my night owl.
10:19We'll take my hat...
10:20Hey, guys!
10:22Hi! Where are you going?
10:23What?
10:24We just had to mail some letters.
10:28And throw away some chicken.
10:37What?
10:48You'll never guess what just happened.
10:50Oh, I give up.
10:51I don't guess.
10:52As a scientist, I reach conclusions based on observation and experimentation.
10:56Although, as I'm saying this, it occurs to me you may have been employing a rhetorical device,
11:00rendering my response moot.
11:03What was that?
11:04Believe it or not, personal growth.
11:06What happened?
11:07Alright, remember when I auditioned for that workshop production of Rent,
11:10but I didn't get it and I couldn't figure out why?
11:12I have a conclusion based on an observation.
11:14No, you don't.
11:15No, he doesn't.
11:17Well, the girl they picked to play Mimi, she dropped out and they asked me to replace her.
11:21Congratulations, what a lucky break.
11:23It's not a big deal, just a one-night showcase,
11:25but they invite a lot of casting people and agents, so you never know.
11:28I think I know.
11:29No, you don't.
11:31He doesn't.
11:32It's this Friday at 8, you guys wanna come?
11:34No.
11:37Because...
11:39Friday, we are attending a symposium on molecular positronium.
11:44I think that's a week from Tuesday at 6.
11:46No, it's this Friday.
11:47At 8.
11:49Oh, too bad.
11:50Well, I gotta get to rehearsal.
11:51See you guys.
11:52See ya.
11:53Let's go out tonight.
11:58You just lied to Penny.
12:00Yes, I did.
12:01And you did it so casually, no rapid breathing, no increase in perspiration.
12:05So?
12:06So lack of a physiological response while lying is characteristic of a violent sociopath.
12:12Sheldon, are you worried about your safety?
12:14No, I imagine if you were going to kill me, you'd have done it a long time ago.
12:19That's very true.
12:31What is it?
12:42I'm uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny.
12:45What was I supposed to say?
12:47You could have told her the truth.
12:49That would have hurt her feelings.
12:51Is that a relevant factor?
12:54Yes.
12:55Then I suppose you could have agreed to go.
12:57And what would I have said afterwards?
13:00I would suggest something to the effect of,
13:02singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you.
13:06And if you disagree, I'd recommend you have a CAT scan
13:08to look for a tumor pressing on the cognitive processing centers of your brain.
13:14I couldn't say that.
13:15I would have to say,
13:16you were terrific and I can't wait to hear you sing again.
13:20Why?
13:22It's the social protocol.
13:24It's what you do when you have a friend who's proud of something they really suck at.
13:30I was not aware of that.
13:31Well, now you are.
13:32Oh.
13:33All right.
13:34Leonard?
13:35Yes?
13:36When we played chess earlier,
13:37you were terrific and I can't wait to play you again.
13:40Good night.
13:54Oh, dear God.
13:57Leonard!
14:00Leonard, I'm sick!
14:06Leonard?
14:09Leonard, I'm sick!
14:14Leonard?
14:17Leonard?
14:19Leonard?
14:23Leonard, my comforter fell down and my sinuses hurt when I bend over.
14:31Leonard?
14:40Ow.
14:48Hey, Leonard, where are you?
14:50I'm at work.
14:53At 6.30 in the morning?
14:55Yes.
14:57On Sunday?
14:59Yes.
15:01Why?
15:02They asked me to come in.
15:03I didn't hear the phone ring.
15:05They texted me.
15:08Well, as I predicted, I am sick.
15:11My fever has been tracking up exponentially since 2 a.m.
15:15and I am producing sputum at an alarming rate.
15:21No kidding.
15:22Nope.
15:23Not only that, it has shifted from clear to milky green.
15:29Howard, it's the phone!
15:36I know it's the phone, Ma.
15:38I hear the phone!
15:40Well, who's calling at this ungodly hour?
15:43I don't know.
15:45Well, ask them why they're calling at this ungodly hour.
15:49How can I ask them when I'm talking to you?
15:54Hello?
15:56Howard, it's Leonard.
15:57Code milky green.
15:59Dear lord, not milky green.
16:11What do you see? What do you see?
16:13The living room appears to be empty.
16:15Okay, he must be in his bedroom.
16:17My spare glasses are in my bedroom,
16:19on my dresser, next to my bed,
16:21in my bedroom, on my dresser, next to my bat signal.
16:26I'm not going in there.
16:28Raj?
16:29No way, Jose.
16:31Look, I can't do it. I can't see anything.
16:33It's all right.
16:34Wireless minicam and Bluetooth headset will be your eyes.
16:39Fine.
16:41One more thing.
16:42This is a subsonic impact sensor.
16:47If Sheldon gets out of bed and starts to walk,
16:49this device will register it and send a signal to the laptop.
16:52At that point, based on the geography of the apartment
16:54and the ambulatory speed of a sick Sheldon,
16:56you'll have seven seconds to get out, glasses or no glasses.
16:59Won't my footsteps set it off?
17:01No, you'll be on your hands and knees.
17:04Now, you'll need to get the sensor as close as you can to Sheldon's room.
17:07But how do I carry it if I'm on my hands and knees?
17:15Stay low.
17:17Bare left.
17:18Now, keep true.
17:19What?
17:20It means go straight.
17:21I didn't just say go straight.
17:24You don't say go straight when you're giving bearings.
17:26You say keep true.
17:28All right.
17:34I just hit my head.
17:36Because you didn't keep true.
17:41Okay, turn right.
17:44The picture's breaking up.
17:46Angle your head to the right.
17:49Now, a little more.
17:51A little more.
17:53That's it.
17:54Now, just keep true.
17:58All right, you're close enough to Sheldon's room.
18:00Deploy the sensor.
18:03Now, turn it on.
18:05It wasn't on?
18:07No.
18:08Then why did I have to crawl?
18:11Oh, I guess you didn't.
18:17Okay, it's on.
18:18Good.
18:19From this point forward, you will have to crawl.
18:23I know.
18:28Hang on.
18:29The sensor's picking up something.
18:30Turn your head back.
18:37You rat bastard.
18:41Told you the sensor would work.
18:45Why?
18:46You deliberately stuck me with Sheldon.
18:48Come on, I had to.
18:49You see what he's like.
18:51Betty, Betty, I'm hungry.
18:54It's okay, sweetie.
18:55Good news.
18:56Leonard's home.
18:57No.
18:58Here you go.
18:59Good luck.
19:00Bye.
19:01Wait, wait.
19:02Leonard, I'm hungry.
19:03Penny, take me with you.
19:15I want grilled cheese.
19:17So, Dennis, how long have you been in America?
19:19A year and a half.
19:20No kidding.
19:21You speak English really well.
19:22So do you.
19:24Except for your tendency to end sentences with prepositions.
19:29What are you talking about?
19:32That.
19:34He's not wrong.
19:37All right, and this is my office.
19:39Is this part of the tour?
19:40Nope.
19:41Goodbye.
19:43All right, Sheldon, we've hardly shown him anything.
19:45All right.
19:46This is my desk.
19:48These are my books.
19:49This is my door.
19:50Please close it behind you.
19:51Goodbye.
19:54Looks like you're doing work in quantum loop corrections.
19:56Keen observation.
19:57Goodbye.
19:59You see where you went wrong, don't you?
20:02Leonard?
20:03Yeah?
20:05Get him out.
20:07Come on, Dennis, I'll show you the rec center.
20:09They've got Nautilus equipment.
20:10Do I look like I lift weights?
20:13Not heavy ones.
20:16It's startling to me you haven't considered a Lorentz
20:18and Varian or field theory approach.
20:20You think I haven't considered it?
20:22You really think I haven't considered it?
20:24Have you considered it?
20:27Get him out, Leonard.
20:28Come on, Dennis, I'll show you the radiation lab.
20:32Wow.
20:33You won the Stevenson award?
20:35Yes.
20:36In fact, I am the youngest person ever to win it.
20:39Really?
20:40How old?
20:4114 and a half.
20:43You were the youngest person ever to win it.
20:49It's like looking into an obnoxious little mirror, isn't it?
20:52Sheldon, I think I've made a mistake.
20:54I can see that.
20:55Unless you're planning on running a marathon,
20:57choosing both stuffing and mashed potatoes
20:58is a starch-filled redundancy.
21:01No, it's about Penny.
21:03A mistake involving Penny.
21:06Okay, you'll have to narrow it down.
21:09I don't think I can go out with her tonight.
21:11Then don't.
21:13Other people would say why not.
21:15Other people might be interested.
21:19I'm gonna talk anyway.
21:20I assumed you would.
21:23Now that I'm actually about to go out with Penny,
21:25I'm not excited.
21:26I'm nauseous.
21:28Ah, then your meal choice is appropriate.
21:30Starch absorbs fluid,
21:31which reduces the amount of vomit available
21:33for violent expulsion.
21:35Sheldon, this date is probably my one chance with Penny.
21:38What happens if I blow it?
21:40Well, if we accept your premise
21:42and also accept the highly improbable assumption
21:45that Penny is the only woman in the world for you,
21:47then we can logically conclude
21:49that the result of blowing it
21:50would be that you end up a lonely, bitter old man
21:52with no progeny.
21:54The image of any number of evil lighthouse keepers
21:56from Scooby-Doo cartoons comes to mind.
21:59Tell me whether or not to go through with the date.
22:01Schrodinger's cat.
22:04That's brilliant.
22:07You sound surprised.
22:09Leonard, a moment.
22:10What?
22:11If someone,
22:12and of course we don't know who this would be,
22:13does ask where you've gone,
22:15what should I say?
22:16I don't know.
22:17Just tell him I went to the office.
22:18Are you going to the office?
22:20No.
22:21Well, then how can I say it convincingly?
22:23Just say, Leonard went to the office.
22:25All right.
22:26Leonard went to the office.
22:33What is...
22:34No.
22:35Not like that.
22:36Just, Leonard went to the office.
22:37This would have worked out a lot better
22:38if you'd just told me you were going to the office.
22:41I'm going to the office.
22:43See, why don't I believe you?
22:50I'm going out for a while.
22:52Okay.
23:03Doesn't anyone want to know where he's going?
23:07Okay, where is he going?
23:09Leonard is going to the office.
23:16Here you go.
23:17Fresh from the cleaners.
23:18Good as new.
23:19Really?
23:20Great.
23:21Sheldon, look.
23:22Good as new.
23:23From that key maker,
23:24I highly doubt it.
23:25Come on, Sheldon.
23:26Just give it a try.
23:29All right.
23:33There.
23:34Nice and comfy cozy.
23:35Zero, zero, zero.
23:37There's one more zero.
23:40You forgot the time parameter.
23:44Sit on the damn couch.
24:09Nope.
24:12What do you mean, nope?
24:13What's wrong with it?
24:14Nothing.
24:15It's what's wrong with him.
24:17It's exactly the same.
24:19Penny, Penny.
24:20I think I know what to do.
24:23Sheldon, I have some bad news.
24:25More?
24:27Afraid so.
24:28You know the cashew chicken I get you on Monday nights?
24:31Yes, from Szechuan Palace.
24:34Szechuan Palace closed two years ago.
24:39What?
24:41Where did the cashew chicken come from?
24:43Golden Dragon.
24:50No.
24:54Oh, this isn't right.
24:56Our food always comes in Szechuan Palace containers.
24:59Yeah, well, before they went out of business,
25:01I bought 4,000 containers.
25:05I keep them in the trunk of my car.
25:10Oh, this changes everything.
25:15I thought that might take his mind off the cushion.
25:18What's real?
25:19What isn't?
25:20How can I know?
25:23You did make that up, right?
25:24I wish I had.
25:28Leonard?
25:29Yeah, buddy?
25:30I still don't like this cushion.
25:32Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task,
25:37I'm going to have to let one of you go.
25:42Me, me, let it be me.
25:46Leonard, you are my roommate, my source of transportation,
25:50and you help me fold my sheets when they come out of the dryer.
25:54You are safe.
25:57Can I whistle?
25:58Don't be silly.
26:00Howard, you do not have a PhD.
26:04Your cologne is an assault on the senses,
26:07and you're not available for video games
26:09during the Jewish high holidays.
26:12Guilty as charged, I'm out.
26:14No, you two are safe.
26:17Oh, come on, what do I have to do?
26:21Okay, you know what?
26:22I see where this is going.
26:23I'm not one of you guys, I'm not a scientist,
26:25so just tell me what to do.
26:26Penny, Penny, Penny, everything you're saying is true,
26:28but please allow me to continue.
26:30Raj, you're out.
26:37That's a good question.
26:39While you do provide a certain cultural diversity
26:41to an otherwise homogenous group,
26:43your responses to the questionnaire were truly disturbing.
26:46How could you for a moment think that my favorite amino acid
26:49is glutamine?
26:52He had lysine, but changed it.
26:55Shoulda, woulda, coulda, Raj.
26:57Did your Facebook status update
26:59Leonard Hofstadter is in a relationship?
27:02What? No, no, that's not right.
27:05Oh, man, did you switch your status before she did?
27:10Speaking as an expert, way to look needy.
27:14Seriously? You went first after only two weeks?
27:17That's bold.
27:19It's not bold, it's a mistake.
27:21I didn't change my status.
27:23Well, then who did?
27:29I had no choice. He cried in front of her.
27:34You hacked my Facebook account?
27:36Oh, it's hardly hacking
27:38when you use the same password for everything, Kal-El.
27:42Are you insane?
27:44Now she's gonna think I'm desperate.
27:46You've destroyed this relationship,
27:48and you wanna know the worst part is
27:50you don't even understand what you did wrong
27:52because you can't conceive of something
27:54that you are not an expert in.
27:56In which I am not...
27:58Don't even...
28:02Don't wanna hear another word out of you.
28:05Ooh.
28:08What's wrong, Lassie? Timmy fall down the well?
28:14Oh, wow.
28:16She just updated her Facebook status.
28:18Stephanie Barnett is in a relationship
28:20with Leonard Hofstetter.
28:23Really?
28:27Oh, look at that. I have a girlfriend.
28:31If I'm permitted to speak again,
28:33Dr. Sheldon Cooper, for the win...
28:37To begin with, you will remove funny bone for $200.
28:44For this, I went to MIT.
28:47And begin.
28:54I think I swallowed something.
28:57I can't press any of the buttons with my gloves.
29:01Oh, son of a bitch.
29:04Adversity is to be expected. Continue.
29:07Oh, boy, am I gonna get sued.
29:11Okay, I can't do this.
29:12Me either.
29:13Gentlemen, use your imagination. Innovate.
29:16Did Han Solo let Luke Skywalker
29:18freeze to death on the ice planet of Hoth?
29:20No.
29:21He cut open a Tauntaun
29:23and used its internal body heat to warm him up.
29:26You heard the man.
29:27Hold him down and I'll cut him open.
29:29Hang on.
29:30I know I don't possess the tools of leadership,
29:32but I don't understand why we can't assemble
29:34the equipment inside the hut and then take it outside.
29:39I hadn't thought of that.
29:43I guess we're done here.
29:46Oh, boy.
29:50What?
29:51I can't comment without violating our agreement
29:53that I not criticize your work.
29:56Then what was oh, boy?
29:58Great restraint on my part.
30:01There's nothing wrong with the science here.
30:04Perhaps you mean a different thing than I do
30:06when you say science.
30:14Okay, how's that?
30:16You actually had it right in the first place.
30:20Once again, you've fallen for one of my classic pranks.
30:25Bazinga.
30:31Well, now, here's a peculiar email.
30:33The president of the university wants me to meet him
30:35at his office tomorrow morning at 8 a.m.
30:38Why?
30:39Doesn't say.
30:40Must be an emergency.
30:41Everyone at the university knows I ate breakfast at 8
30:43and moved my bowels at 8.20.
30:47Yes, how did we live before Twitter?
30:52I guess you'll find out what it is in the morning.
30:54That's 14 hours away.
30:56And for the next 840 minutes,
30:58I'm effectively one of Heisenberg's particles.
31:00I know where I am, or I know how fast I'm going,
31:03but I can't know both.
31:04How am I supposed to carry on with this huge,
31:06annoying thing hovering over my head?
31:10Yeah, I know the feeling.
31:13Hmm.
31:15The problem appears to be unsolvable.
31:17Maybe we could run some computer simulations.
31:19There are too many variables.
31:20It would take forever.
31:21We've got to be missing something.
31:24Let's start again.
31:25The movie is playing here at 7.20, here at 7.40,
31:29here at 8.10, and here at 8.45.
31:32All right, these theaters have to be eliminated.
31:34Why?
31:35They're state-of-the-art.
31:36Digital projection, 20-channel surround sound.
31:38So they have no icy machines.
31:41Despite my aggressive letter-writing campaign,
31:43I might add.
31:45What about the multiplex here?
31:47The seats are terrific.
31:48They have Twizzlers instead of Red Vines.
31:50No amount of lumbar support can compensate for that.
31:54Well, it's going to take at least an hour to eat,
31:56and I don't see a Sheldon-approved restaurant
31:58proximate to a Sheldon-approved theater.
32:00We could eat after the movie.
32:02Unacceptable.
32:03The delay would result in tomorrow morning's
32:05bowel movement occurring at work.
32:08Hang on, hang on.
32:09There's a 7-Eleven here.
32:11We smuggle Slurpees, which are essentially
32:13ICs, in under our coats after having a pleasant meal
32:16either here, here, or here.
32:20Wow.
32:21I don't see how we missed that.
32:22Excuse me.
32:23In what universe are Slurpees ICs?
32:28That's how we missed it.
32:30Sheldon, would you be prepared,
32:32on a non-presidential basis,
32:33to create an emergency ad hoc Slurpee IC equivalency?
32:36Oh, Leonard, you know I can't do that.
32:41Okay, I guess we only have one option.
32:43Yep, I don't see any way around it.
32:46Bye, Sheldon.
32:47See ya.
32:54They're right, it was the only option.
32:57Stew the Cockatoo is new at the zoo.
33:01Author Sarah Carpenter lives in Fort Wayne, Indiana.
33:06With her husband and best friend, Mark.
33:09And their cockatoo, Stew.
33:12Probably makes her an expert in making friends,
33:14wouldn't you agree?
33:16I don't like birds.
33:17They scare me.
33:19Me too.
33:22Most people don't see it.
33:27What are you reading?
33:28Curious George.
33:29Oh, I do like monkeys.
33:31Curious George is a monkey.
33:33Somewhat anthropomorphized, but yes.
33:37Say, maybe sometime you and I could go see monkeys together.
33:42Would you like that?
33:43Okay.
33:45Sheldon, what are you doing?
33:47I'm making friends with this little girl.
33:49What's your name?
33:50Rebecca.
33:51Hi, Rebecca.
33:52I'm your new friend, Sheldon.
33:53No, you're not, let's go.
33:56We're really hitting it off.
33:57Don't look up those cameras.
34:00Yes?
34:01I'm Leonard Hofstetter.
34:02I called you about the apartment.
34:03You said to come by.
34:04I know what I said.
34:05I know what you said.
34:06I know what my mother said on March 5th, 1992.
34:11What is the sixth noble gas?
34:13What?
34:14You said you're a scientist.
34:15What is the sixth noble gas?
34:17Radon?
34:19Are you asking me or telling me?
34:23Telling you.
34:25Telling you.
34:29Telling you.
34:31All right.
34:32Next question.
34:33Kirk or Picard?
34:35Oh, well, that's tricky.
34:38Original series over Next Generation, but Picard over Kirk.
34:43Correct.
34:45You've passed the first barrier to roommatehood.
34:49You may enter.
34:51Oh, this is pretty nice.
34:55Yeah.
35:00The bedrooms are back there?
35:02That depends.
35:03I don't understand.
35:04Their existence is conditional?
35:07No, but your ability to perceive their existence is conditional on you passing the second and third barriers.
35:13There's three?
35:14Each more daunting than the last.
35:18Have a seat.
35:19Okay.
35:21No, that's where I sit.
35:25Combine these chemicals with ordinary dish soap, creating a little exothermic release of oxygen.
35:44For me, vengeance.
35:45Yes, exactly.
35:47This is brilliant, Sheldon.
35:48How are we going to deploy it in Kripke's office?
35:50Already taken care of.
35:52Observe.
35:54This is a live shot of Kripke's lab via a mini webcam I was able to install
35:59thanks to a dollar bill discreetly placed in the night janitor's shirt pocket.
36:04At the same time, I also secured large quantities of these chemicals above the tiles in the drop ceiling.
36:10Sheldon, you remind me of a young Lex Luthor.
36:16You flatter me, sir.
36:18Let me guess, motion sensors?
36:20Yes. The reaction will be triggered when Kripke reaches the center of the room.
36:29I gotta say, I am really impressed.
36:32This is truly the Sheldon Cooper way to get even.
36:41It may be low tech, but I still maintain the whoopee cushion has comic validity.
36:47Here comes Kripke.
36:49Who is that with him?
36:51I believe that's the president of the university.
36:53And the board of directors.
36:54Abort! Abort!
36:55There is no abort.
36:56Well, how could you not put in an abort?
36:57I made a boo-boo, all right?
37:00I think the board will really appreciate how well we're using that NSA grant, President Sieber.
37:04Right here we have a micro-controlled plasma...
37:14Wow. Looks like the Ganges on laundry day.
37:19At least they don't know it was you.
37:22Hello, Kripke.
37:25This classic prank comes to you from the malevolent mind of Sheldon Cooper.
37:31If you'd like to see the look on your stupid face, this video is being instantly uploaded to YouTube.
37:38Oh, and a hat tip to Leonard Hofstadter and Raj Koothrappali for their support and encouragement in this enterprise.
37:49Well, I'm going back to India. What's your plan?
37:52Wolowitz is trying to outflank us.
37:54Let out some string, add altitude, and I'll go under and cut his line.
37:58Why wouldn't Penny want her friends to meet me?
38:00Focus, Leonard, focus. The heat of battle is upon us. The dogs of war are unleashed.
38:06Maybe Koothrappali's right. Maybe I embarrass her.
38:08You're embarrassing me right now.
38:10A grown man worrying about such nonsense? We're in the middle of flying kites?
38:16Sorry.
38:17Sorry won't bring their kites down.
38:19Oh, string worm, string worm!
38:24Oh, they think we're flanking. They're playing right into our hands.
38:28At the count of three, we execute the flying scissor.
38:31One, two, three.
38:33Whoa.
38:34You see that?
38:35See what?
38:36That chick.
38:37She smiled at me.
38:38No, she didn't.
38:39Yes, she did.
38:40Come on, scissors, scissors.
38:41Hold my line.
38:42What are you doing? I cut scissors by myself. I would come back!
38:46Victory!
38:48Son of a bitch.
38:51It wasn't ever going to be a winner.
38:53There was going to be a selfish, petty person with a ring and three people who used to be his friend.
38:57Is that really what you guys want?
38:59Because if it is, fine. I don't want anything to do with you.
39:03And I don't know what happened in that bathroom, but I am not cleaning it up.
39:16My precious.
39:30I knew it.
39:35Give it back.
39:37I don't have it.
39:38I don't have it.
39:39I don't have it.
39:40I don't have it.
39:41I don't have it.
39:43Give us the precious.
39:47Give it to me.
39:48Get off of me.
39:49Give me the ring.
39:50It's mine.
39:51Oh, I've got to go back to dating dumb guys from the gym.
39:55Give it to me.
39:56Give me the ring.
40:00It's ten o'clock. Where have you been?
40:02We stayed for the California Adventure Water Show.
40:05It was pure Disney magic.
40:08I was going to see that with him.
40:10How was I supposed to know that?
40:12It's alright. I'll see it again with you.
40:14And I have food here. You said you were going to call.
40:16I know, I know.
40:17I can still eat.
40:18No, you already threw up once. Go put on your PJs and brush your teeth.
40:24Okay, but just don't fight.
40:26We're not fighting.
40:27Just go.
40:31Aren't you going to thank Penny for taking you to Disneyland?
40:33Thank you, Penny.
40:36You're watching football?
40:38Football?
40:39There's no fooling you.
40:42Now, what is this sacks statistic they put up there?
40:46All I know about sacks is my mother shops there.
40:52Sacks. Sacks.
40:55It's football nomenclature for when a quarterback is tackled behind the line of scrimmage.
41:00Huh.
41:03Scrimmage.
41:06The line of scrimmage is the imaginary transverse line separating the offense from the defense.
41:12Oh.
41:14Sheldon knows football?
41:17Apparently.
41:18I mean, Quidditch, sure, but football?
41:24Sheldon, how do you know this stuff?
41:26I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas.
41:29There's pro football, college football, high school football, peewee football.
41:33In fact, every form of football except the original, European football.
41:38Most Texans believe to be a commie plot.
41:43Unbelievable.
41:44If you're interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn't chicken as if it were chicken.
41:52So, you could teach me?
41:55Football or chicken fried meats?
41:58Football.
41:59I'm going to Penny's on Saturday to watch a game with her friends and I don't want to look like an idiot.
42:02I want to blend in.
42:03You want to blend in with Penny's friends?
42:05I think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage.
42:09Come on, Sheldon, please teach me football. It'll be fun.
42:12That's exactly what my father said.
42:15Come to the games. Watch the games. Week in and week out.
42:18From the time I was five until I went off to college.
42:21Longest seven years of my life.
42:23Please, I'm asking you as a friend.
42:27Are you making this a tier one friendship request?
42:31Yes.
42:33Fine.
42:34I really appreciate this.
42:36Yeah, yeah.
42:37Alright, Poindexter, sit down, shut up, and listen.
42:41I'm sorry?
42:42That's how my father always began our football conversations.
42:46And if you'd like, after the game, I'll take you outside and we'll play a game.
42:50And if you'd like, after the game, I'll take you outside and teach you how to shoot close enough to a raccoon that it craps itself.
43:03Thank you so much for opening up your home to me.
43:06Well, who wants to stay in a hotel with windows that don't open, those crazy card-shaped keys?
43:12I'm so glad you understand.
43:14No, he doesn't understand. I understand.
43:18I understand, too.
43:19You're misappropriating my understanding.
43:24I think any university would want you.
43:26Except, of course, any university that had already had you.
43:29Because they would have already wanted you before they, you know, got you.
43:34From the mind that brought you Hi-Lo.
43:40Let me show you to your room.
43:41Alright. I guess I am tired. Goodnight, Leonard.
43:44Goodnight. I mean, obviously, goodnight.
43:47I started to say sleep tight and then I changed my mind in the middle.
43:50I swear to God, I'm smart.
43:55Get it together, ma'am.
43:57Explain the couch.
43:58Uh, well, there were some people on the first floor moving out and they sold it to me for $100.
44:02Howard and Raj helped me bring it up.
44:04But what's wrong with the furniture we have?
44:07They're lawn chairs.
44:10And there was no place for company.
44:12Did it occur to you that was by design?
44:15According to the roommate agreement, I'm entitled to allocate 50% of the cubic footage of the common areas.
44:21But you didn't notify me by email, so this is still a breach.
44:25I did notify you.
44:26Oh, you did, did you?
44:43Drat.
44:47Hoisted by my own spam filter.
44:50What am I doing in your spam folder?
44:52I put you there after you forwarded me a picture of a cat playing the piano entitled, This is Funny.