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00:00Oh, uh, never have I ever put my foot in the ocean.
00:09Never have I ever honked if I liked anything.
00:18Oh, uh, never have I ever thrown, caught, or touched a Frisbee.
00:30Never have I ever put salt on my food without trying it first.
00:42Oh, never have I ever pushed all the buttons in an elevator.
00:56Well, we all have a past.
00:59Dear crazy future Sheldon,
01:03this is a thermostat.
01:06It controls the temperature of the apartment.
01:09The ideal setting is 72 degrees.
01:12If you find this too cold, then put on a jacket.
01:15A straight jacket, because 72 is the best, and you're crazy.
01:20Now, this is your spot.
01:24You're very protective of it.
01:26When anyone else tries to sit here, you berate them relentlessly.
01:30It sounds mean, but somehow you make it adorable.
01:35People are also delighted by your love of pranks.
01:39For example, Leonard has no idea what I did to his coffee.
01:45It wasn't replaced with Folgers crystals, I'll tell you that much.
01:50Hey, can we please get back to work?
01:52This is Leonard. He's your best friend in the world.
01:55Just stop. This is ridiculous.
02:00Sometimes he gets cranky.
02:03But you can trust him with your life.
02:05And he does more things for you than I can even begin to list.
02:11Oh, no, he's drinking it.
02:15It's nice to get back to nature.
02:18Why don't I do this more often?
02:21What a beautiful forest.
02:25Hello, little butterfly.
02:29What's your name?
02:32What are you doing?
02:34I was enjoying some virtual reality.
02:36You ruined it with your actual face.
02:39What am I smelling?
02:41Oh, it's car air freshener.
02:43I was simulating the smell of the forest.
02:46It's not what the forest smells like.
02:49It's not what the forest smells like.
02:51Well, how would I know?
02:55Why are you pretending to be outdoors? You hate it.
02:58Amy showed me a compelling study
03:00that demonstrated the cognitive benefit of spending time in the wilderness.
03:04Buddy, I am ready to drive you into the wilderness
03:06any time you want and leave you there.
03:08Seems we're at a stalemate.
03:10Not technically.
03:12In chess, a stalemate refers to a situation
03:14in which there are no remaining moves.
03:16You have plenty of moves available.
03:18You could beat us up and steal the money.
03:21You could kill us.
03:24Really, you're only limited by your imagination.
03:30All these years I've been using stalemate
03:32when I really mean impasse.
03:34I feel foolish.
03:39I don't think it matters
03:41if this is a stalemate or an impasse or a Mexican standoff.
03:44What are we going to do here?
03:46How can it be a Mexican standoff?
03:48Everybody knows you need three sides for that.
03:50Not necessarily.
03:52Many argue that the essence of a Mexican standoff
03:54is that no one can walk away from the conflict
03:56without incurring harm.
03:58Hmm. I don't follow.
04:01Let me give you an example.
04:03Earlier today, I decoded the headers on your e-mail
04:06and I know that your name is Kenneth Fitzgerald.
04:09From that, I figured out where you live and where you work.
04:12Now, to make this a Mexican standoff,
04:14I would say something like,
04:16you give us the helium or I'll turn you into the authorities.
04:19Is that a threat?
04:21Yeah, exactly. See, you're getting it.
04:23Let me spot collectibles.
04:25I have many.
04:26My most treasured is an autographed napkin
04:28given to me by my very thoughtful friend Penny.
04:31That's her over there.
04:35Hi.
04:38Look at that. I'm in a movie. My shirt stayed on.
04:42Can we see the napkin?
04:44Of course.
04:45Excuse me. This will just take a moment.
04:59When did we get a wall safe?
05:03When there was no more room in the floor safe.
05:06When did we get a floor safe?
05:09When we got the security camera.
05:11There's a security camera?
05:14Aquaman, protecting your home since 2012.
05:20Oh, my God. We've done things on that couch.
05:22Yeah, you don't have to tell me.
05:26Right this way, Uncle Harvey.
05:34Will you stop with that already?
05:36I am trying not to attract attention.
05:39Tipping his hat to the cleaning lady didn't do that?
05:42She's had buenos notices. What was he supposed to do?
05:46Start the experiment.
05:48Leonard, we should probably have our stories straight in case we get caught.
05:51We're not getting caught.
05:52You can't be sure of that.
05:54What if the helium dealer rats us out?
05:56What if Kripke asks where we got it?
05:58What if the university checks my family tree
06:00and finds out I don't have an Uncle Harvey?
06:03The dealer doesn't care. Kripke has no authority over us.
06:06And you being related to a metal container would explain a lot.
06:11Harvey, hook this up.
06:14Uh-oh.
06:15What?
06:16Did you see this sticker?
06:17What is it?
06:18It's partially torn off, but the segment that remains reads
06:20property of and the letter U.
06:22It's probably USC or UCLA.
06:25But what if it's property of U.S. government?
06:27There's a national helium reserve in Amarillo, Texas.
06:30If this was stolen from there, we're accessories to a federal crime.
06:33Let's not jump to conclusions.
06:35A lot of things start with U.
06:37That's true.
06:38U.S. Air Force.
06:39U.S. Department of Defense.
06:41U.S. Navy.
06:42You and I are going to jail.
06:45Listen, we can do the experiment as planned
06:47and beat the Swedish team to the punch,
06:49or we can kiss our dreams goodbye
06:50because we're too afraid to break a few rules.
06:57Ma'am?
06:59This may be the rum talking,
07:01but as long as the unpinning rate of the vortices
07:04is kept within 1.1 and 1.3,
07:06the Magnus Force issue should be negligible.
07:11Even drunk, he's still smarter than all of us.
07:16And stronger.
07:17Who wants to see me beat up the bartender?
07:21I'd enjoy that.
07:23Nah, she's a good kid.
07:29You know, Leonard, he says Sheldon's drunk
07:31and they're going to do karaoke if we want to join them.
07:34That sounds fun.
07:37Oh, no.
07:38Sheldon's drunk texting me.
07:40What's it say?
07:41Would you like to sing karaoke with us?
07:43How is that a drunk text?
07:45Well, he used a period instead of a question mark.
07:47He's so wasted.
07:49You actually think it's 2003?
07:51No.
07:52Just because I'm living my life like it was 12 years ago
07:54doesn't mean I'm delusional.
07:56And since it is 2003, I don't know who you are.
07:59So please exit the premises
08:01before I call the police on my stylish new flip phone.
08:05Hello, 2003.
08:11Hey, we brought you...
08:15Where is everything?
08:16In my present, it's in the future.
08:18In your present, it's been crammed in the bedroom
08:21by an enterprising young man I met in the Home Depot parking lot.
08:26I know what you're doing.
08:28You're trying to get attention so we'll feel bad for you,
08:30but it's not happening.
08:31No, what I'm doing is trying to figure out
08:33how to live my life now that everyone is leaving me.
08:35Knock it off. We're across the hall.
08:38As the kids are saying today, talk to the hand.
08:42They're not saying that.
08:45They are in 2003.
08:47No, no, they're really not.
08:49Oh, there's a woman.
08:51I'll make her my girlfriend.
08:54Whoa, whoa.
08:56Walking up to a strange woman in a bar usually doesn't work.
08:59You're forgetting something.
09:01You're forgetting something.
09:03Ladies love jocks.
09:06How many sips of that beer did you have?
09:07Three.
09:08Oh, boy.
09:12Excuse me, I'm recovering from a recent breakup
09:16and I'm told asking out another woman might make me feel better.
09:19And as Ash Ketchum said to Pikachu,
09:22I choose you.
09:25What?
09:26It's a Pokemon reference.
09:28I don't know what that means.
09:30Give it a shot.
09:33How about you?
09:35I'm married.
09:36And I'm her grandmother.
09:38Ah, what might have been.
09:41And you, give my regards to Barnum and Bailey.
09:54Oh, great, this again.
09:57Arthur, what brings you back?
10:00It beats me.
10:01I just hope this isn't a sex dream.
10:07In the past, you've come to me when I'm struggling with a dilemma.
10:11And the one time where you were afraid
10:14and you needed me for a nightlight.
10:20What's troubling you?
10:22Well, my friends are telling me
10:26I shouldn't abandon my girlfriend on her birthday
10:29to see the new Star Wars movie.
10:31Sounds right.
10:35Can I get out of this moo-moo now?
10:40Those are the robes of the Jedi,
10:42the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy.
10:45And they don't wear underwear.
10:53So, you agree with my friends that I should skip the premiere?
10:59Do you love this girl?
11:02Yes, but she knows how important Star Wars is to me.
11:07Maybe you should show her how important she is to you.
11:12By seeing the movie she'd want me to see?
11:17Children, you can see this movie whenever you want.
11:21But you only have a limited number of days
11:25that you can be with this woman.
11:28Be with her.
11:32You're right.
11:34Great.
11:36Where are you going?
11:38I don't know, but hopefully somewhere I can wear pants.
11:44The higher point of emulating Spock was to rise above human emotion,
11:48which I've spent a lifetime mastering.
11:50Oh, pfft.
11:53Excuse me?
11:55I'm sorry, I'm not here.
11:57No, you went pfft. What does pfft mean?
12:00Um...
12:01You did go pfft.
12:03Okay, fine.
12:04Sheldon, I'm no expert, but aren't you completely missing the point of Spock?
12:08He liked to act like he had no emotions, but he was still half-human.
12:11Just like you.
12:14I'm just saying, you pretend you don't, but you have feelings just like everybody else.
12:17Not true.
12:18No, look at me.
12:19I had an engagement ring to give a girl, and instead she rejected me.
12:23And am I emotional about that? No.
12:25No, I am sitting here on a couch talking about my favorite TV character like nothing happened.
12:30Because I am just like him. All logical. All the time.
12:33Sweetie, you're yelling.
12:34Because when I speak at a regular volume,
12:36no one seems to believe me that I put this Amy nonsense behind me.
12:40This documentary is going to be awesome.
12:45There was a song I couldn't get out of my head.
12:48Eventually I realized the song was about you.
12:51And like that earworm, I can't get you out of my heart.
12:56So what I'm trying to say is, you're my heartworm.
13:03The metaphorical kind, not the poopy kind.
13:07The metaphorical kind, not the poodle-killing kind.
13:11What?
13:13If I may, I believe what he's saying, in a charming and delightful way,
13:19is that he loves you and wants you back.
13:21Dave Gibbs, huge fan of your work. Don't mind me.
13:28I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were on a date.
13:31No, it's okay. Keep going.
13:34Amy, if you want to be my girlfriend again, I really want to be your boyfriend.
13:39I really want that too.
13:42Good. Because I love you.
13:47I love you too.
13:51Kiss her, you brilliant fool.
13:59Is there a reason I had to leave my own apartment?
14:02Well, I think they just want you to see it for the first time all decorated.
14:06But who's going to tell them they're doing it wrong?
14:10Well, I'm sure they'll ask you to give a speech, and that's when you just tear them a new one.
14:17I have to say, you do look good in that suit.
14:19Oh, thank you.
14:22Maybe later I'll get to see you in your birthday suit.
14:29This is my birthday suit.
14:33Are you having a stroke?
14:37Because that's the kind of thing that just ruins a birthday party.
14:41Stipulated in the contract that your contributions to our invention are as valuable as my own.
14:46Are you saying that his contributions aren't as valuable as yours?
14:50No, I am not saying that because I kept saying that this morning and Leonard said stop saying that.
14:58See, this is what happens every time we work together.
15:01You know, hang on. What if Sheldon had no choice but to be respectful?
15:06Is there a switch on the back of his neck we don't know about?
15:10No, what I'm saying is you could add a clause to the contract that he can't make fun of Howard.
15:15How would you enforce it?
15:16Oh, please. Any contract I sign is enforced by my own personal code of ethics.
15:21And his obsessive compulsive disorder.
15:23Yeah, that too.
15:25And scoot over. Part of your shadow's on my spot.
15:32Howard, what do you think?
15:35I'm on board. I'll add it right now. Oh, baby, it's addendum time.
15:41Happy birthday, buddy.
15:43Cheers.
15:45Thank you. That was wonderful.
15:48Oh, wait, wait, wait. Stuart didn't get to speak.
15:50Oh, oh, okay.
15:53Sheldon, I've spent most of my life feeling invisible, but having you and everyone...
15:58Hey, everybody, listen up.
16:01He nailed it.
16:04I've got someone who couldn't be here but really wanted to wish you a happy birthday.
16:10Hello, Sheldon.
16:12Professor Hawking.
16:14Happy birthday to you.
16:16Thank you so much. I can't believe it.
16:19Happy birthday to you.
16:20Oh, you're singing. I'm sorry.
16:23Happy birthday, dear Sheldon.
16:26Professor Hawking, if you just give us one second, we'll light the candles and we can all sing together.
16:32I wasn't rushing it, but all right.
16:36Okay, while they get the cake, Sheldon, I just want to say,
16:39I hope you didn't think you were going to get through tonight without a hug.
16:43You know, I used to hate these hugs.
16:48Now they're just extremely irritating.
17:01Happy birthday to you.