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00:00Sheldon, why is this letter in the trash?
00:03Well, there's always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter.
00:08But Occam's razor would suggest that someone threw it out.
00:12It's from the Institute for Experimental Physics.
00:14They want us to present our paper on the properties of super solids at the topical conference on Bose-Einstein condensates.
00:20I know. I read it before I threw it out.
00:23Okay, if I may drill down to the bedrock of my question, why did you throw it out?
00:28Because I have no interest in standing in the rose room of the Pasadena Marriott in front of a group of judgmental strangers
00:34who wouldn't recognize true genius if it were standing in front of them giving a speech.
00:38Which, if I were there, it would be.
00:41I don't know. Sheldon, those topical conference on Bose-Einstein condensates parties are legendary.
00:46Forget the parties?
00:48Forget the parties? What a nerd.
00:52Are there any other honors I've gotten that I don't know about?
00:55Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?
00:58Leonard, please don't take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize
01:01is the day I begin my research on the drag coefficient of tassels on flying carpets.
01:06The only thing missing from that insult was your mama.
01:12I got one. Hey, Leonard, your mama's research methodology is so flawed.
01:15Shut up, Howard.
01:18Sheldon, we have to do this.
01:19No, we don't.
01:20We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep ourselves from dying.
01:25Everything else is optional.
01:28Okay, let me put it this way. I'm doing it.
01:30You can't. I'm the lead author.
01:32Come on. The only reason you're the lead author is because we went alphabetically.
01:36I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation of dealing with the fact that it was my idea.
01:41Not to put too fine a point on it, but I was throwing you a bone.
01:45You're welcome.
01:47Excuse me. I designed the experiment to prove the hypothesis.
01:50It doesn't need proving.
01:52So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word?
01:56They're not supposed to, but they should.
01:59All right, I don't care what you say. I'm going to the conference and I'm presenting our findings.
02:03And I forbid it.
02:05You forbid it?
02:07If I'm not taking credit for our work, then nobody is.
02:09So you admit that it's our work?
02:11No. Once again, I'm throwing you a bone.
02:15Once again, you are welcome.
02:20Oh no, he didn't.
02:22Event A. A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower.
02:25Event B. We drive halfway across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman's ex-boyfriend.
02:31Query. On what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events?
02:37She asked me to do her a favor, Sheldon.
02:40Yes, well, that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher-level distal cause.
02:47Which is?
02:48You think with your penis.
02:50That's a biological impossibility, and you didn't have to come.
02:54Oh, right. Yes, I could have stayed behind to watch Wolowitz try to hit on Penny in Russian, Arabic, and Farsi.
03:00Why can't she get her own TV?
03:02There's some kind of dispute between Penny and her ex-boyfriend as to who gets custody of the TV.
03:06She just wanted to avoid having a scene with him.
03:09Does he get to have a scene with him?
03:11No, Sheldon, there's not going to be a scene.
03:13I'll do the talking.
03:16Yeah.
03:17Hi, I'm Leonard, this is Sheldon.
03:19Hello.
03:20What did I just...
03:22Uh, we're here to pick up Penny's TV.
03:25Get lost.
03:26Okay, thanks for your time.
03:27We're not gonna give up just like that.
03:29Leonard, the TV's in the building.
03:31We've been denied access to the building, ergo we are done.
03:33Come on, we have a combined IQ of 360.
03:36We should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.
03:43What do you think their combined IQ is?
03:44Just grab the door.
03:48This is it.
03:51I'll do the talking.
03:52Good thinking, I'll just be the muscle.
03:55Yeah?
03:56Hi, I'm Leonard, this is Sheldon.
03:58From the intercom.
04:01How the hell did you get in the building?
04:03Uh, we're scientists.
04:08Tell him about our IQ.
04:10Leonard.
04:11What?
04:12My mom bought me those pants.
04:13I'm sorry.
04:14I'm sorry, we cannot do this without Wolowitz.
04:17We can't order Chinese food without Wolowitz?
04:20Yes, we can.
04:22We can.
04:23We can.
04:24We can.
04:25We can.
04:26We can.
04:27We can.
04:28We can.
04:29We can.
04:30We can.
04:31We can.
04:32We can.
04:33We can.
04:34We can.
04:35We can.
04:36We can.
04:37We can.
04:38We can.
04:39You're nuts?
04:40Do you want Wolowitz?
04:41Let me walk you through it.
04:42Our standard order is
04:43the steamed dumpling appetizer,
04:44general siu chicken,
04:44beef with broccoli,
04:45shrimp with lobster sauce,
04:46and vegetable lo mein.
04:48Do you see the problem?
04:51I see a problem.
04:55Our entire order is predicated on four dumplings
04:57and four entrees
04:58divided amongst four people.
05:02So we'll just order three entrees?
05:04Fine, what do you want to eliminate?
05:06And who gets the extra dumpling?
05:08Cut it into thirds.
05:10Then it's no longer a dumpling.
05:11Once you cut it open,
05:12it is at best a very small open-faced sandwich.
05:14Oh, hi, fellas.
05:17Oh, where's your annoying little friend
05:19who thinks he speaks Mandarin?
05:22He's putting his needs ahead of the collective good.
05:24Where he comes from, that's punishable by death.
05:27I come from Sacramento.
05:34Can we get an order of dumplings,
05:35but with three instead of four?
05:36No substitutions.
05:38This isn't a substitution, it's a reduction.
05:41Okay, no reductions.
05:44Fine, bring us three orders of dumplings.
05:47That's 12, we'll each have four.
05:48That works.
05:49No, if we fill up on dumplings,
05:50we need to eliminate another entree.
05:52No eliminations.
05:55If we have extra, we'll just take the leftovers home.
05:57And divide it how?
05:58I'm telling you, we cannot do this without Wolowitz.
06:01Wolowitz is with his new girlfriend.
06:03If you had let me invite Penny,
06:04then you would have had your fourth.
06:05Have you seen Penny eat Chinese food?
06:07She uses a fork and she double dips her egg rolls.
06:10We don't order egg rolls.
06:11Exactly, but we'd have to if she was here.
06:14Can we please make a decision?
06:15Not only are the children starving in India,
06:17there's an Indian starving right here.
06:21There's an idea,
06:22why don't we just go out for Indian food?
06:23No, ugh.
06:26You are nice boys.
06:27Tell you what I'm going to do.
06:29I'm going to bring you the four dumplings.
06:31When I'm walking over to the table,
06:33maybe I get bumped.
06:34One of the dumplings fall to the floor.
06:36No one has to know.
06:38I'll know.
06:46How about soup?
06:47Yeah, we can always divide soup.
06:48What about the wontons?
06:51Just saying, you can take the damn plastic
06:52off the couch once in a while.
06:54Why, so you and Howard can hump on it?
06:58Ladies, ladies, I'm sure there's a middle ground.
07:01Shut up, Howard.
07:03Okay, you guys talk.
07:04I'm going to take my scooter out for a little spin.
07:07You happy?
07:07You drove your own son out of the house.
07:09Why don't you stop butting in when you don't belong?
07:11What are you guys doing here?
07:12It's halo night.
07:14He's not a man, he's a putz.
07:16And don't you take that tone with me, you gold digger.
07:18What did you call me?
07:19You heard me.
07:20And I'll tell you something else.
07:22You're barking up the wrong tree.
07:23Because as long as you're around,
07:25Howard is out of the will.
07:27You know what?
07:27I got better offers.
07:28I'm out of here.
07:30That's right.
07:31Go back to Mabel on you, hoa.
07:37So halo night, huh?
07:39Any questions?
07:40Yeah, what the hell was that?
07:45Any other questions?
07:47Dr. Sheldon Cooper here.
07:49I am the lead author of this particular paper.
07:56And you, sir, you have completely skipped over the part
07:59where I was walking through the park.
08:02And I saw these children on a merry-go-round,
08:03which started me thinking about the moment of inertia
08:06in gases like helium at temperatures
08:08approaching absolute zero.
08:09I didn't skip it.
08:10It's just an anecdote.
08:11It's not science.
08:12Oh, oh, I see.
08:13It was the apple falling on Newton's head.
08:15Was that just an anecdote?
08:16You are not Isaac Newton.
08:18No, no, that's true.
08:19Gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple.
08:21Oh, you cannot possibly be that arrogant.
08:24You continue to underestimate me, my good man.
08:27Look, if you weren't happy with my presentation,
08:29then maybe you should have given it with me.
08:31As I've explained repeatedly, unlike you,
08:33I don't need validation from lesser minds.
08:35No offense.
08:36Really?
08:37So why did you come?
08:38Because I knew you'd screw this up.
08:39Maybe I didn't go to college when I was 11, like you.
08:42Maybe I got my doctorate at 24 instead of 16,
08:46but you are not the only person
08:47who is smarter than everyone else in this room.
08:50No offense.
08:53And I am clearly not the only person
08:55who is tormented by insecurity
08:57and has an ego in need of constant validation.
08:59So you admit you're an egotist?
09:01Yes.
09:03My name is Dr. Leonard Hofstetter
09:04and I could never please my parents,
09:06so I need to get all my self-esteem from strangers like you.
09:08But he's worse.
09:10Okay, that is it.
09:12Stop it.
09:15You cannot blow up my head with your mind.
09:18Then I'll settle for an aneurysm.
09:20Stop it.
09:21You hit me.
09:22You saw that, he hit me.
09:23Trying to blow up my head.
09:24So it was working.
09:25It wasn't, it was not.
09:27You are a nutcase.
09:28What do you think about that?
09:29Heads up, you people in the front row,
09:30this is a splash zone.
09:33Stop it.
09:34Quit it.
09:40Is this usually how these physics things go?
09:43More often than you think.
09:49Let's go.
09:51Ah, ooh, tonight.
09:52Ah, ooh, tonight.
09:57I have to go.
09:59Ah, ooh, tonight.
10:03What the hell is that?
10:06I don't know, but if cats could sing,
10:09they'd hate it too.
10:16You wanna prowl, be my night owl.
10:20We'll take my hat, hey guys.
10:23Where are you going?
10:24What?
10:24We just had to mail some letters
10:28and throw away some chicken.
10:48You'll never guess what just happened.
10:50Oh, I give up.
10:51I don't guess.
10:52As a scientist, I reach conclusions
10:54based on observation and experimentation.
10:57Although as I'm saying this, it occurs to me
10:58you may have been employing a rhetorical device,
11:00rendering my response moot.
11:03What was that?
11:04Believe it or not, personal growth.
11:07What happened?
11:08All right, remember when I auditioned
11:09for that workshop production of Rent,
11:10but I didn't get it and I couldn't figure out why?
11:12I have a conclusion based on an observation.
11:14No, you don't.
11:15No, he doesn't.
11:17Well, the girl they picked to play Mimi,
11:19she dropped out and they asked me to replace her.
11:21Congratulations, what a lucky break.
11:23It's not a big deal, just a one night showcase,
11:25but they invite a lot of casting people and agents,
11:27so you never know.
11:28I think I know.
11:29No, you don't.
11:31He doesn't.
11:33It's this Friday at eight.
11:34You guys wanna come?
11:34No.
11:37Because Friday we are attending
11:42a symposium on molecular positronium.
11:44I think that's a week from Tuesday at six.
11:46No, it's this Friday at eight.
11:50Oh, too bad.
11:51Well, I gotta get to rehearsal.
11:52See you guys.
11:53See ya.
11:54Let's go out tonight.
11:59You just lied to Penny.
12:00Yes, I did.
12:01And you did it so casually,
12:03no rapid breathing, no increase in perspiration.
12:06So?
12:07So lack of a physiological response while lying
12:09is characteristic of a violent sociopath.
12:12Sheldon, are you worried about your safety?
12:15No, I imagine if you were going to kill me,
12:17you'd have done it a long time ago.
12:19That's very true.
12:40Is it?
12:42I'm uncomfortable having been included
12:44in your lie to Penny.
12:46What was I supposed to say?
12:48You could have told her the truth.
12:49That would have hurt her feelings.
12:52Is that a relevant factor?
12:54Yes.
12:56Then I suppose you could have agreed to go.
12:58And what would I have said afterwards?
13:00I would suggest something to the effect of
13:03singing is neither an appropriate vocation
13:05nor avocation for you.
13:06And if you disagree, I'd recommend you have a CAT scan
13:09to look for a tumor pressing on the cognitive
13:11processing centers of your brain.
13:15I couldn't say that.
13:16I would have to say you were terrific
13:18and I can't wait to hear you sing again.
13:21Why?
13:23It's the social protocol.
13:25It's what you do when you have a friend
13:26who's proud of something they really suck at.
13:30I was not aware of that.
13:32Well, now you are.
13:33Oh, all right.
13:34Leonard.
13:35Yes.
13:36When we played chess earlier, you were terrific
13:38and I can't wait to play you again.
13:40Good night.
13:46Leonard.
13:54Oh, dear God.
13:58Leonard.
14:01Leonard, I'm sick.
14:06Leonard.
14:09Leonard, I'm sick.
14:14Leonard.
14:17Leonard.
14:19Leonard.
14:23Leonard, my comforter fell down
14:25and my sinuses hurt when I bend over.
14:31Leonard.
14:39Ow.
14:46What?
14:48Hey, Leonard, where are you?
14:50I'm at work.
14:53At 6.30 in the morning?
14:55Yes.
14:57On Sunday?
14:59Yes.
15:01Why?
15:02They asked me to come in.
15:03I didn't hear the phone ring.
15:06They texted me.
15:08Well, as I predicted, I am sick.
15:12My fever has been tracking up exponentially
15:14since 2 a.m. and I am producing sputum
15:17at an alarming rate.
15:21No kidding.
15:23Nope, not only that,
15:24it has shifted from clear to milky green.
15:32Howard, it's the phone.
15:36I know it's the phone, Ma.
15:39I hear the phone.
15:40Well, who's calling at this ungodly hour?
15:44I don't know.
15:46Well, ask them why they're calling at this ungodly hour.
15:50How can I ask them when I'm talking to you?
15:57Hello?
15:59It's Leonard, code milky green.
16:01Dear Lord, not milky green.
16:14What do you see?
16:15What do you see?
16:16The living room appears to be empty.
16:17Okay, he must be in his bedroom.
16:19My spare glasses are in my bedroom,
16:21on my dresser, next to my bat signal.
16:26I'm not going in there.
16:28Raj?
16:29No way, Jose.
16:31Look, I can't do it.
16:32I can't see anything.
16:33It's all right.
16:34Wireless minicam and Bluetooth headset will be your eyes.
16:39Fine.
16:41One more thing.
16:42This is a subsonic impact sensor.
16:47If Sheldon gets out of bed and starts to walk,
16:49this device will register it
16:50and send a signal to the laptop.
16:52At that point, based on the geography of the apartment
16:54and the ambulatory speed of a sick Sheldon,
16:56you'll have seven seconds to get out,
16:57glasses or no glasses.
17:00Won't my footsteps set it off?
17:01No, you'll be on your hands and knees.
17:04Now, you'll need to get the sensor
17:05as close as you can to Sheldon's room.
17:07But how do I carry it if I'm on my hands and knees?
17:13Stay low.
17:15Bare left.
17:17Now, keep true.
17:18What?
17:19It means go straight.
17:20I didn't just say go straight.
17:23You don't say go straight when you're giving bearings.
17:25You say keep true.
17:27All right.
17:32I just hit my head.
17:35Because you didn't keep true.
17:39Okay, turn right.
17:41Okay, turn right.
17:44The picture's breaking up.
17:46Angle your head to the right.
17:49Now, a little more.
17:51A little more.
17:53That's it.
17:54Now, just keep true.
17:58All right, you're close enough to Sheldon's room.
18:00Deploy the sensor.
18:04Now, turn it on.
18:05It wasn't on?
18:07No.
18:08Then why did I have to crawl?
18:11Oh, I guess he didn't.
18:17Okay, it's on.
18:18Good.
18:19From this point forward, you will have to crawl.
18:23I know.
18:28Hang on.
18:29The sensor's picking up something.
18:30Turn your head back.
18:37You rat bastard.
18:41Okay, the sensor would work.
18:45Why?
18:46You deliberately stuck me with Sheldon.
18:48Come on, I had to.
18:49You see what he's like.
18:51Penny, Penny, I'm hungry.
18:54It's okay, sweetie.
18:55Good news, Leonard's home.
18:57No.
18:58Here you go.
18:59Good luck, bye.
19:00Wait, wait.
19:01Leonard, I'm hungry.
19:02Wait, Penny, take me with you.
19:11I want grilled cheese.
19:13So, Dennis, how long have you been in America?
19:15A year and a half.
19:16No kidding.
19:17You speak English really well.
19:18So do you.
19:20Except for your tendency to ensensis with prepositions.
19:25What are you talking about?
19:29That.
19:31He's not wrong.
19:33All right, and this is my office.
19:36Is this part of the tour?
19:37Nope.
19:37Go ahead.
19:38This is my office.
19:39Is this part of the tour?
19:40Nope.
19:41Goodbye.
19:43Come on, Sheldon.
19:44We've hardly shown him anything.
19:45Oh, right.
19:46This is my desk.
19:48These are my books.
19:49This is my door.
19:50Please close it behind you.
19:51Goodbye.
19:54Looks like you're doing work in quantum loop corrections.
19:56Keen observation.
19:57Goodbye.
19:59You see where you went wrong, don't you?
20:02Leonard.
20:03Yeah?
20:05Get him out.
20:07Come on, Dennis.
20:08I'll show you the rec center.
20:09They've got Nautilus equipment.
20:10Do I look like I lift weights?
20:13Not heavy ones.
20:16It's startling to me you haven't considered
20:17Lorentz and Varian or field theory approach.
20:20You think I haven't considered it?
20:22You really think I haven't considered it?
20:24Have you considered it?
20:27Get him out, Leonard.
20:28Come on, Dennis.
20:30I'll show you the radiation lab.
20:33Wow.
20:33You won the Stevenson award?
20:35Yes.
20:36In fact, I am the youngest person ever to win it.
20:39Really?
20:41How old?
20:4114 and a half.
20:44You were the youngest person ever to win it.
20:49It's like looking into an obnoxious little mirror,
20:51isn't it?
20:52Sheldon, I think I've made a mistake.
20:54I can see that.
20:55Unless you're planning on running a marathon,
20:57choosing both stuffing and mashed potatoes
20:59is a starch-filled redundancy.
21:02No, it's about Penny.
21:03A mistake involving Penny.
21:06Okay, you'll have to narrow it down.
21:09I don't think I can go out with her tonight.
21:11Then don't.
21:14Other people would say, why not?
21:15Other people might be interested.
21:19I'm gonna talk anyway.
21:20I assumed you would.
21:23Now that I'm actually about to go out with Penny,
21:25I'm not excited.
21:26I'm nauseous.
21:28Ah, then your meal choice is appropriate.
21:30Starch absorbs fluid,
21:31which reduces the amount of vomit available
21:33for violent expulsion.
21:35Sheldon, this date is probably my one chance with Penny.
21:38What happens if I blow it?
21:40Well, if we accept your premise
21:42and also accept the highly improbable assumption
21:45that Penny is the only woman in the world for you,
21:47then we can logically conclude
21:49that the result of blowing it would be
21:50that you end up a lonely, bitter old man with no progeny.
21:54The image of any number of evil lighthouse keepers
21:56from Scooby-Doo cartoons comes to mind.
21:59Tell me whether or not to go through with the date.
22:01Schrodinger's cat.
22:03Wow, that's brilliant.
22:07You sound surprised.
22:09Leonard, a moment.
22:10What?
22:11If someone, and of course, we don't know who this would be,
22:13does ask where you've gone, what should I say?
22:16I don't know.
22:17Just tell him I went to the office.
22:18Are you going to the office?
22:19No.
22:20Well, then how can I say it convincingly?
22:22Just say, Leonard went to the office.
22:24All right.
22:25Leonard went to the office.
22:33What is...
22:34No!
22:35Not like that.
22:36Just, Leonard went to the office.
22:37This would have worked out a lot better
22:38if you'd just told me you were going to the office.
22:41I'm going to the office.
22:43See, why don't I believe you?
22:50I'm going out for a while.
22:52Okay.
23:03Doesn't anyone want to know where he's going?
23:07Okay, where is he going?
23:09Leonard is going to the office.
23:16Here you go.
23:17Fresh from the cleaners.
23:18Good as new.
23:19Really?
23:20Great.
23:21Sheldon, look.
23:22Good as new.
23:23From that key maker, I highly doubt it.
23:25Come on, Sheldon.
23:26Just give it a try.
23:29All right.
23:33There.
23:34Nice and comfy cozy.
23:35Zero, zero, zero.
23:37There's one more zero.
23:40You forgot the time parameter.
23:43Sit on the damn couch.
24:03Nope.
24:06What do you mean, nope?
24:07What's wrong with it?
24:08Nothing.
24:09It's what's wrong with him.
24:11It's exactly the same.
24:13Penny, Penny.
24:14I think I know what to do.
24:17Sheldon, I have some bad news.
24:19More?
24:21I'm afraid so.
24:22You know the cashew chicken I get you on Monday nights?
24:25Yes, from Szechuan Palace.
24:27Oh, yeah?
24:28Yeah.
24:29Yeah.
24:30Yeah.
24:32It's from Szechuan Palace.
24:34Szechuan Palace closed two years ago.
24:39What?
24:41Where did my cashew chicken come from?
24:43Golden Dragon.
24:50No.
24:54Oh, this isn't right.
24:56You know, our food always comes in Szechuan Palace containers.
24:59Yeah, well, before they went out of business,
25:01I bought 4,000 containers.
25:05I keep them in the trunk of my car.
25:08But...
25:11Oh, this changes everything.
25:15I thought that might take his mind off the cushion.
25:18What's real?
25:19What isn't?
25:20How can I know?
25:23You did make that up, right?
25:24Oh, God, I wish I had.
25:27Leonard?
25:28Yeah, buddy?
25:29I still don't like this cushion.
25:31Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task,
25:35so I'm going to have to let one of you go.
25:41Me, me, let it be me.
25:45Leonard, you are my roommate,
25:47my source of transportation,
25:49and you help me fold my sheets
25:51when they come out of the dryer.
25:53You are safe.
25:57Can I whistle?
25:58Don't be silly.
26:01Howard, you do not have a Ph.D.
26:04Your cologne is an assault on the senses,
26:07and you're not available for video games
26:09during the Jewish high holidays.
26:12Guilty as charged. I'm out.
26:14No, you two are safe.
26:17Oh, come on. What do I have to do?
26:21Okay, you know what?
26:22I see where this is going.
26:23I'm not one of you guys.
26:24I'm not a scientist.
26:25Penny, Penny, Penny,
26:26everything you're saying is true,
26:27but please allow me to continue.
26:29Raj, you're out.
26:36It's a good question.
26:38While you do provide a certain cultural diversity
26:41to an otherwise homogenous group,
26:43your responses to the questionnaire were truly disturbing.
26:46How could you for a moment
26:47think that my favorite amino acid is glutamine?
26:52He had lysine, but changed it.
26:55Shoulda, woulda, coulda, Raj.
26:57Your Facebook status update,
26:59Leonard Hofstetter is in a relationship.
27:02What? No. No, that's not right.
27:05Oh, man, did you switch your status before she did?
27:10Speaking as an expert, way to look needy.
27:14Seriously? You went first after only two weeks?
27:17That's bold.
27:19It's not bold. It's a mistake.
27:21I didn't change my status.
27:24Then who did?
27:30I had no choice. He cried in front of her.
27:34You hacked my Facebook account?
27:36Oh, it's hardly hacking
27:38when you use the same password for everything, Kal-El.
27:43Are you insane?
27:44Now she's gonna think I'm desperate.
27:46You've destroyed this relationship.
27:48And you wanna know the worst part is
27:50you don't even understand what you did wrong
27:52because you can't conceive of something
27:54that you are not an expert in.
27:56In which I am not...
27:58Don't even...
28:02Don't wanna hear another word out of you.
28:04Ooh.
28:08What's wrong, Lassie? Timmy fall down the well?
28:14Oh, wow.
28:16She just updated her Facebook status.
28:18Stephanie Barnett is in a relationship
28:21with Leonard Hofstetter.
28:23Really?
28:27Oh, look at that.
28:29I have a girlfriend.
28:31If I am permitted to speak again,
28:33Dr. Sheldon Cooper,
28:35for the win...
28:37To begin with,
28:39you will remove funny bone
28:41for $200.
28:45For this, I went to MIT.
28:47And begin.
28:51Oh!
28:53I think I swallowed something.
28:57I can't press any of the buttons with my gloves.
29:01Oh, son of a bitch!
29:03Adversity is to be expected.
29:05Continue.
29:07Oh, boy, am I gonna get sued.
29:11Okay, I can't do this.
29:13Gentlemen, use your imagination.
29:15Innovate.
29:17Did Han Solo let Luke Skywalker
29:19face to death on the ice planet of Hoth?
29:21No.
29:23He cut open a Tauntaun
29:25and used its internal body heat to warm him up.
29:27You heard the man.
29:29Hold him down, and I'll cut him open.
29:31Hang on.
29:33I know I don't possess the tools of leadership,
29:35but I don't understand why we can't assemble
29:37the equipment inside the hut
29:39and then take it outside.
29:41I hadn't thought of that.
29:43I guess we're done here.
29:46Oh, boy.
29:50What?
29:52I can't comment without violating our agreement
29:54that I not criticize your work.
29:56Then what was oh, boy?
29:58Great restraint on my part.
30:02There's nothing wrong with the science here.
30:04Perhaps you mean a different thing than I do
30:06when you say science.
30:16Okay, how's that?
30:18You actually had it right in the first place.
30:22Once again, you've fallen
30:24for one of my classic pranks.
30:26Bazinga.
30:33Well, now, here's a peculiar e-mail.
30:35The president of the university
30:37wants me to meet him at his office
30:39tomorrow morning at 8 a.m.
30:41Why?
30:43He doesn't say.
30:46That's funny.
30:48Yes.
30:50How did we live before Twitter?
30:52I guess you'll find out
30:54what it is in the morning.
30:56That's 14 hours away.
30:58For the next 840 minutes,
31:00I'm effectively one of Heisenberg's particles.
31:02I know where I am,
31:04or I know how fast I'm going,
31:06but I can't know both.
31:08How am I supposed to carry on
31:10with this huge annoying thing
31:12hovering over my head?
31:14The problem appears to be unsolvable.
31:16Maybe we could run some computer simulations.
31:18There are too many variables.
31:20It would take forever.
31:22We've got to be missing something.
31:24Let's start again.
31:26The movie is playing here at 720,
31:28here at 740,
31:30here at 810, and here at 845.
31:32These theaters have to be eliminated.
31:34Why? They're state-of-the-art.
31:36Digital projection, 20-channel surround sound.
31:38Yes, but they have no icy machines.
31:41Despite my aggressive letter-writing campaign,
31:43I might add.
31:45What about the multiplex here?
31:47The seats are terrific.
31:49They have Twizzlers instead of Red Vines.
31:51No amount of lumbar support can compensate for that.
31:53Well, it's going to take
31:55at least an hour to eat,
31:57and I don't see a Sheldon-approved restaurant
31:59proximate to a Sheldon-approved theater.
32:01We could eat after the movie.
32:03Unacceptable.
32:05The delay would result in tomorrow morning's
32:07bowel movement occurring at work.
32:09There's a 7-Eleven here.
32:11We smuggle Slurpees, which are essentially
32:13ICs, in under our coats
32:15after having a pleasant meal either here,
32:17here, or here.
32:19Wow.
32:21I don't see how we missed that.
32:23Excuse me? In what universe are Slurpees ICs?
32:27That's how we missed it.
32:29Sheldon,
32:31would you be prepared on a non-presidential basis
32:33to create an emergency ad hoc Slurpee IC
32:35equivalency?
32:38George, you know I can't do that.
32:42Okay, I guess we only have one option.
32:44Yep, I don't see any way around it.
32:46Bye, Sheldon.
32:48See ya.
32:56They're right, it was the only option.
32:58Stew the Cockatoo is new at the zoo.
33:02Author Sarah Carpenter
33:04lives in Fort Wayne, Indiana
33:07with her husband and best friend, Mark
33:09and their cockatoo, Stew.
33:13Probably makes her an expert in making friends,
33:15wouldn't you agree?
33:17I don't like birds. They scare me.
33:19Me too.
33:23Most people don't see it.
33:27What are you reading?
33:29Curious George.
33:31Oh, I do like monkeys.
33:33Curious George is a monkey.
33:35I don't know if it satisfies, but yes.
33:37Say,
33:39maybe sometime you and I
33:41could go see monkeys together.
33:43Would you like that?
33:45Okay.
33:47Sheldon, what are you doing?
33:49I'm making friends with this little girl.
33:51What's your name?
33:53Rebecca.
33:55Hi, Rebecca. I'm your new friend, Sheldon.
33:57No, you're not. Let's go.
33:59We're really hitting it off.
34:01Don't look up those cameras.
34:04I'm Leonard Hofstetter.
34:06I called you about the apartment.
34:08I know what I said. I know what you said.
34:10I know what my mother said on March 5th, 1992.
34:14What is the sixth noble gas?
34:16What?
34:18You said you're a scientist.
34:20What is the sixth noble gas?
34:22Radon?
34:24Are you asking me or telling me?
34:26Telling you.
34:30Telling you.
34:32Next question.
34:34Kirk or Picard?
34:36That's tricky.
34:38Original series over Next Generation,
34:40but Picard over Kirk.
34:42Correct.
34:44You've passed
34:46the first barrier to roommatehood.
34:48You may enter.
34:50This is pretty nice.
34:53Bedrooms are back there?
34:55That depends.
34:57I don't understand.
34:59Their existence is conditional?
35:01No, but your ability
35:03to perceive their existence
35:05is conditional on you
35:07passing the second and third barriers.
35:09There's three?
35:11Each more daunting than the last.
35:13Have a seat.
35:15Okay.
35:17No, that's where I sit.
35:20Combine these chemicals
35:22with ordinary dish soap
35:24creating a little exothermic
35:26release of oxygen.
35:40For me, vengeance.
35:42Exactly.
35:44This is brilliant, Sheldon.
35:46How are we going to deploy
35:48it in Kripke's office?
35:50Already taken care of.
35:52Observe.
35:54This is a live shot
35:56of Kripke's lab via a mini webcam
35:58I was able to install
36:00thanks to a dollar bill discreetly placed
36:02in the night janitor's shirt pocket.
36:04At the same time, I also secured
36:06large quantities of these chemicals
36:08above the tiles in the drop ceiling.
36:10Sheldon, you remind me
36:12of a young Lex Luthor.
36:15You flatter me, sir.
36:19Let me guess, motion sensors?
36:21Yes. The reaction will be triggered
36:23when Kripke reaches the center of the room.
36:25Mwahaha.
36:29I gotta say, I am
36:31really impressed.
36:33This is truly the Sheldon Cooper way to get even.
36:41It may be low-tech,
36:43but I still maintain the whoopee cushion has karmic validity.
36:47Here comes Kripke.
36:49Who is that with him?
36:51I believe that's the president of the university.
36:53And the board of directors. Abort! Abort!
36:55There is no abort.
36:57Well, how could you not put in an abort?
36:59I made a boo-boo, all right?
37:01I think the board will really appreciate
37:03how well we're using that NSA grant President Sieber.
37:05Right here we have a micro-controlled plasma...
37:13Wow.
37:15Looks like the Ganges on Laundry Day.
37:20At least they don't know it was you.
37:22Hello, Kripke.
37:24This classic prank
37:26comes to you from the malevolent mind
37:28of Sheldon Cooper.
37:30If you'd like to see
37:32the look on your stupid face,
37:34this video is being instantly
37:36uploaded to YouTube.
37:38Oh, and a hat-tip to Leonard Hofstadter
37:40and Raj Koothrappali.
37:43For their support and encouragement
37:45in this enterprise.
37:49Well, I'm going back to India.
37:51What's your plan?
37:53Wallowith is trying to outflank us.
37:55Let out some string, add altitude,
37:57and I'll go under and cut his line.
37:59Why wouldn't Penny want her friends to meet me?
38:01Focus, Leonard, focus.
38:03The heat of battle is upon us.
38:05The dogs of war are unleashed.
38:07Maybe Koothrappali's right.
38:09Maybe I embarrass her.
38:12There's no man worrying about such nonsense.
38:14We're in the middle of flying kites.
38:16Sorry.
38:18Sorry won't bring their kites down.
38:20Oh, string worm, string worm!
38:26Oh, they think we're flanking.
38:28They're playing right into our hands.
38:30At the count of three, we execute the flying scissor.
38:32One, two, three.
38:34Whoa.
38:36You see that?
38:38See what?
38:40Hold my line.
38:42What are you doing?
38:44I cut scissors by myself.
38:46I would come back.
38:48Victory!
38:50Son of a bitch.
38:52Wasn't ever going to be a winner.
38:54There was going to be a selfish, petty person
38:56with a ring and three people who used to be his friend.
38:58Is that really what you guys want?
39:00Because if it is, fine.
39:02I don't want anything to do with you.
39:04And I don't know what happened in that bathroom,
39:06but I am not cleaning it up.
39:10Oh.
39:22My precious.
39:40I knew it.
39:45Give us the precious.
39:47Give it to me!
39:49Get off of me!
39:51It's mine!
39:53Gotta go back to dating dumb guys from the gym.
39:55Give it to me!
39:57Give me the ring!
40:01It's ten o'clock.
40:03Where have you been?
40:05We stayed for the California Adventure Water Show.
40:07It was pure Disney magic.
40:10I was going to see that with him.
40:12How was I supposed to know that?
40:14It's all right. I'll see it again with you.
40:16And I have food here. You said you were going to call.
40:18I know, I know.
40:20I can still eat.
40:22No, you already threw up once.
40:24Go put on your PJs and brush your teeth.
40:26Okay, but just don't fight.
40:28We're not fighting.
40:30Just go.
40:32Aren't you going to thank Penny
40:34for taking you to Disneyland?
40:36Thank you, Penny.
40:38Football?
40:40There's no fooling you.
40:42Now, what is this
40:44sack statistic they put up there?
40:46All I know about sacks
40:48is my mother shops there.
40:52Sacks.
40:54Sacks.
40:56It's football nomenclature
40:58for when a quarterback is tackled
41:00behind the line of scrimmage.
41:02Huh.
41:04Scrimmage.
41:07The line of scrimmage
41:09is the imaginary transverse line
41:11separating the offense from the defense.
41:13Oh.
41:15Sheldon knows football?
41:17Apparently.
41:19I mean, Quidditch.
41:21Sure, but football?
41:25Sheldon, how do you know this stuff?
41:27I grew up in Texas.
41:29Football is ubiquitous in Texas.
41:31There's pro football, college football,
41:33high school football, peewee football.
41:36There's no football except the original, European football,
41:38which most Texans believe
41:40to be a commie plot.
41:44Unbelievable.
41:46If you're interested, I also know all about frying meat
41:48that isn't chicken as if it were chicken.
41:54So, you could teach me?
41:56Football or chicken-fried meats?
42:00Football.
42:02I'm going to Penny's on Saturday to watch a game with her friends
42:04I'm an idiot. I want to blend in.
42:06You want to blend in with Penny's friends?
42:08I think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage.
42:10Come on, Sheldon, please teach me football.
42:12It'll be fun.
42:14That's exactly what my father said.
42:16Come to the games. Watch the games.
42:18Week in and week out
42:20from the time I was five until I went off to college.
42:22Longest seven years of my life.
42:26Please, I'm asking you as a friend.
42:30Are you making this a tier one friendship request?
42:34Yes.
42:36Fine.
42:38I really appreciate this.
42:40Yeah, yeah. Alright, Poindexter, sit down, shut up, and listen.
42:44I'm sorry?
42:46That's how my father always began our football conversations.
42:50And if you'd like, after the game,
42:52I'll take you outside and teach you how to shoot close enough
42:54to a raccoon that it craps itself.
43:04Thank you so much for opening up your home to me.
43:06Well, who wants to stay in a hotel
43:08with windows that don't open,
43:10those crazy card-shaped keys?
43:12I'm so glad you understand.
43:14No, he doesn't understand.
43:16I understand.
43:18I understand, too.
43:20You're just misappropriating my understanding.
43:24I think any university would want you.
43:26Except, of course, any university that had already had you
43:28because they would have already wanted you
43:30before they, you know, got you.
43:34From the mind that brought you high-low.
43:39Let me show you to your room.
43:41Alright. I guess I am tired.
43:43Good night, Leonard.
43:45Uh, sleep night.
43:47I mean, obviously, good night.
43:49I started to say sleep tight,
43:51then I changed my mind in the middle.
43:53I swear to God, I'm smart.
43:55Get it together, ma'am.
43:57Explain the couch.
43:59Uh, well, there were some people on the first floor moving out
44:01and they sold it to me for $100.
44:03I didn't bring it up, but what's wrong with the furniture we have?
44:07They're lawn chairs.
44:09And there was no place for company.
44:11Did it occur to you that was by design?
44:15According to the roommate agreement,
44:17I'm entitled to allocate 50% of the cubic footage
44:19of the common areas.
44:21But you didn't notify me by email,
44:23so this is still a breach.
44:25I did notify you.
44:27Oh, you did, did you?
44:33Oh.
44:43Drat.
44:47Hoisted by my own spam filter.
44:51What am I doing in your spam folder?
44:53I put you there after you forwarded me a picture of a cat
44:55playing the piano entitled, This is Funny.
45:03This is Funny.
45:05This is Funny.