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00:00In the land of San Domingo, lived a girl called O-Bi-Jingo, ta-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-
00:30They sang in the pale moonlight. O-Bi-G, Bi-Gosh, Bi-Gum, Bi-Joe. O-Bi-Jingo, won't you hear our love?
00:41We will build for you a hut. You will be our favorite nut. You'll have a lot of little O-Bi-Jingos, pink and white, just like flamingos.
00:51Oh, you know, Chief, that bit where it goes ta-da-da-da-da-da-da-la and bop and bop, it sends shivers down my spine.
00:57Perhaps if you were to put your jacket on, you would feel the cold less keenly.
01:00It has nothing to do with cold.
01:02Miss Stoker will be here at any moment, sir. I'm sure we wouldn't wish to be discovered in a state of undress.
01:06I do love these songs about foreign parts. Last year, it was Indian Love Call and Nagasaki.
01:11I am particularly fond of Sunny Havana City of Light, sir.
01:16Oh, Jeeves, how is it that you managed to turn any conversation around to your dratted obsession about us going to Cuba?
01:22Nothing could have been further from my mind, sir. I merely...
01:25No, Jeeves. I'm not traipsing halfway around the globe simply to enable you to dangle a hook in the water in the hope of catching a couple of haddock.
01:32Hardly, sir. The tarpon or Megalops Atlanticus was more the prey I had in mind.
01:37No, Jeeves, no. Content yourself with musical evocations of these places as I do.
01:43O by G by gosh by gum by joe
01:47O by jingo won't you hear our lull
01:51We will build for you a hut
01:54You will be our favourite nut
01:56We'll have a lot of little O by Joveses
01:58Dress them up in clogs and clotheses
02:01Good afternoon, Miss Stoker. Good afternoon, Jeeves.
02:03Emerald, old thing. Hi, Bertie.
02:06I didn't know you were musical.
02:08Neither does Jeeves. Gargle? Oh, yes, please.
02:10So, how are you, Emerald? How's the old art school?
02:12Pretty good. We're on vacation right now.
02:15I just came round to say au revoir. I'm going down to the country this afternoon for a month.
02:19What, a whole month, all in the same place? Of course.
02:21Good Lord. I've never found anyone who would stick my company with me for more than about a week.
02:24Oh, Bertie. That's absolutely true.
02:26As a matter of fact, long before that, the conversation at dinner is apt to turn to the subject of how good the train service to London is down the hatch.
02:32These people's name is Bassett. They live in Gloucestershire in a house called...
02:36Totley Towers. Do you know them? Good Lord, yes.
02:39I've only met Madeline Bassett. What are the rest of them like?
02:42Well, Sir Watkin Bassett looks like the before photograph in an advertisement for indigestion pills.
02:47Miss Bassett said her fiancé's going to be there, too.
02:50Yes, I suppose he might. Gussie Finglottle.
02:52No. Well, it seems unlikely.
02:55I mean, I know him. But nobody knows Gussie. Spends all his time in Lincolnshire.
02:59With his newts. I met him at a party. I thought he was a lamb.
03:05No, I mean a fish. Looks like a halibut.
03:08He does not look like a halibut.
03:17Is there any mail? Send it on to Totley Towers.
03:22Ah, what ho, Gussie?
03:24Oh, hello, Berset. I can't stop. I've got to catch the 1.30 from Paddington.
03:28Oh, well, you could look out for a friend of yours on the train, Emerald Stoker. Says she may talk to party.
03:32Oh, yes. We had a really nice talk. About newts.
03:37I don't know when I've met a girl who's attracted me more.
03:41Except, of course, Madeline.
03:43Madeline? Don't talk to me about Madeline. Madeline makes me sick.
03:47Gussie.
03:48Well, it's true.
03:49Oh, by the way, Stephanie wants you to come down to Totley for a few days.
03:53Some hoax.
03:55Afternoon, Rogers.
03:56Good afternoon, sir.
04:08You shall please, George.
04:15Ah, Bertie. I thought I'd find you here.
04:17Mind the...
04:20So, what brings you to the Matrops, Stoker?
04:22I came up for a Harlequins committee meeting.
04:24A what committee meeting?
04:25Harlequins. The rugby club.
04:28Oh, good. How's Stephanie?
04:31Oh, I don't know, Bertie. There's still no sign of me getting enough money for us to marry.
04:35Well, hasn't Pop Bassett given you that victory yet?
04:37No. I think it was about ready to close the deal last week,
04:40but I bumped into a valuable vase of his and broke it.
04:43He said he couldn't trust me with a delicate piece of equipment like Stiffy.
04:46Stiffy wants me to come down to Totley, doesn't she?
04:50It works. Even at this distance.
04:53Works? What works?
04:54How did you know that Stiffy wants you to come down?
04:57I just met Gussie in the vestibule.
05:00Oh. Oh, I see.
05:02To tell you the truth, Bertie, there's odd things going on at Totley.
05:06Supernatural things.
05:08Anyway, there's something Stiffy wants you to do for her.
05:11You're not yourself, Stinker, or you wouldn't be gibbering like this.
05:14I know Stiffy. You know, I run a mile in tight shoes for her,
05:17but she lacks that balanced judgment that one likes to see in girls.
05:21Now, what is this commission that she has in mind for me?
05:23She said she'd rather keep it under her hat until she saw you.
05:26She won't see me.
05:27She'll be terribly disappointed.
05:29You will administer spiritual solace.
05:32Goodbye, Stinker.
05:44Good afternoon, sir.
05:48Your master is an extremely worried man, Jeeves.
05:52Sir?
05:53Stop playing with the hat, Jeeves. I knew you wouldn't like it.
05:56Not at all, sir.
05:57Oh, good heavens, it has its name printed on the inside.
05:59How convenient.
06:01The Alpine.
06:03Did you purchase the article in a shop, sir?
06:05Of course I bought it in a shop, Jeeves.
06:07A department store.
06:08Oh, I see, sir, yes.
06:10One reads about such places, of course.
06:12I was merely wondering whether they also stocked the leather trouser ring,
06:15which would undoubtedly set it off to full effect.
06:17Put the hat away, Jeeves.
06:19I have just seen Gussie Fink-Dottle.
06:21I happened to mention Miss Bassett's name, and he said...
06:23Follow me closely here, Jeeves.
06:24Very good, sir.
06:25He said, quote, don't talk to me about Madeline.
06:27Madeline, Madeline makes me sick.
06:29Close quotes.
06:30Well, now, these are not the words of love, Jeeves.
06:32No, sir.
06:33No, these are the words of a man cheesed to the back teeth with the adored object.
06:36I don't have time to get all the details, but if Gussie,
06:38as pronounced a fatty that has ever broke a biscuit,
06:40feels compelled to give Madeline the heave-ho,
06:42then I'm the next in line.
06:44Steps must be taken, Jeeves.
06:45It would certainly seem advisable, sir.
06:47But what steps?
06:48Perhaps a trip to Totley Towers is called for, sir.
06:50Ah, but there's another snag.
06:51Stiffy Bing has something she wants me to do for her.
06:54Well, you know the sort of things Stiffy generally wants people to do.
06:56You recall that episode with Constable Oates's helmet?
06:58With some vividity, sir.
07:00But would it not be possible for you to go to Totley Towers
07:02but to decline to carry out Miss Bing's wishes?
07:05What, issue a nolle proseque, you mean?
07:07Tell her to go and boil her head?
07:08Precisely, sir.
07:10You do recall Miss Bing, do you, Jeeves?
07:12Still, it's the best we can do, I suppose.
07:14All right, get a telegram out to Miss Bassett, will you?
07:16Dark forces are drawing us towards Totley, Jeeves.
07:19Still, Friday ought to be soon enough, don't you think?
07:21Tomorrow might be more prudent, sir.
07:27Good afternoon, gentlemen.
07:29Good afternoon, Mr. Buckley.
07:31Good afternoon, sir.
07:38Mr. Worcester.
07:42Don't you know me?
07:44I'm Mr. Worcester.
07:46Mr. Worcester.
07:48Mr. Worcester.
07:50Mr. Worcester.
07:52Mr. Worcester.
07:54Mr. Worcester.
07:55Bertie!
07:56Hello, Madeline.
07:58You should not have come here.
08:00Well?
08:01I had not the heart to deny your pathetic request.
08:04I know how much you yearn to see me again, however hopelessly.
08:08But is it wise?
08:10I love Augustus.
08:12Oh, well, that's absolutely...
08:14It makes me sad to think of your hopeless love, Bertie,
08:17like the moss in the star.
08:19But what can I do?
08:21Nothing, nothing at all. You carry on regardless.
08:24But it breaks my heart.
08:27Now, now, look here, Madeline.
08:29Madeline, what's the matter?
08:31It's nothing, Madeline. Nothing.
08:40Cucumber sandwich?
08:41You've made her cry.
08:43You heartless swine.
08:46Now, now, now, look here, I suppose.
08:48You have come here like a creeping snake
08:50to try and sow doubts in her mind about the one she loves.
08:52No, no, no.
08:53You still hope to win her away from Fink-Nottle.
08:55Let me tell you, Worcester,
08:57I have loved that girl for years and years,
08:59but never by word or look have I so much as hinted at it to her.
09:02I shall be watching you, Worcester, watching you closely.
09:05Be very, very careful.
09:07Careful, yes.
09:13Ah, Bertie!
09:15The very person I want to see.
09:17I've got a little job for you.
09:19Well, Stiffy, how nice to see you looking so well.
09:21You are well, I trust?
09:22And I'm not doing any little jobs.
09:24Oh, Bertie, don't be such a stick.
09:26It will only take you five minutes.
09:27Hey, you!
09:29Don't wander all over the house like that.
09:31Well, I...
09:32Wait a minute.
09:33I know you.
09:35You're that fellow Worcester.
09:37Madeline asked Bertie down, Uncle Watkin.
09:40Madeline did?
09:41How long for?
09:42Well, a week was mentioned.
09:44No.
09:46Good God.
09:48Well, welcome to Totley.
09:51I must have a talk with Madeline.
09:56Well, Jeeves,
09:58Totley is still the hell hole we know and love.
10:00Indeed, sir.
10:01But, Jeeves, and it's a but the size of Hyde Park,
10:03I have it straight from the horse's mouth
10:05that Miss Bassett and Gussie are sweethearts still.
10:07I fear you may be too sanguine, sir.
10:09Miss Bassett's sentiments may be such as you have described,
10:12but on Mr Fink-Nottle's side,
10:14there exists no little dissatisfaction.
10:16You mean she's a sweetheart still, but he isn't?
10:18Precisely, sir.
10:20I encountered Mr Fink-Nottle in the stable yard
10:22when I was putting away the car.
10:24His story has occasioned me grave unease.
10:27Jeeves, I have the unpleasant feeling
10:29that centipedes are sauntering up and down my spinal column
10:32in large numbers waiting to their friends.
10:34What's happened?
10:35Miss Bassett has insisted that Mr Fink-Nottle
10:37adopt a vegetarian diet, sir.
10:40Would you mean spinach and similar garbage?
10:42So I gather, sir.
10:44No wonder Gussie said that Madeleine made him feel sick.
10:46Blast all vegetables, say I.
10:48The cook expressed herself in similar vein
10:50when Mr Fink-Nottle explained his predicament to her, sir.
10:53It melted her heart in sympathy for his distress.
10:56I'm not sure I'm in the mood to hear about cooks' hearts, Jeeves.
10:58Melted or otherwise.
11:00Nevertheless, sir, she did instruct Mr Fink-Nottle
11:02that if he was agreeable to visiting the kitchen
11:05during the hours of darkness when the house had retired for the night,
11:08she would very happily supply him with cold steak and kidney pie.
11:11Oh, Jeeves, this is wonderful.
11:13Cold steak and kidney pie is, of course, merely a palliative, sir.
11:16On the contrary, Jeeves, it's Gussie's favourite dish.
11:18Does about 90 miles to the slice.
11:37Oh, it's you, Bertie.
11:39Yes, Gussie.
11:40The very same, except no substitute.
11:43What are you doing?
11:45I was hoping there might be some nuts with the cocktails, but no.
11:49Do you know what it's like to be perpetually hungry, Bertie?
11:52Courage, Gussie. Think of the old S&K.
11:54S&K?
11:55Steak and kidney.
11:56Shh!
11:57That cook sounds like an angel in human form.
11:59She is, as you know.
12:01I don't know. I haven't had the pleasure.
12:03Of course you have. It's Emerald Stoker.
12:06Emerald Stoker is the cook?
12:08It appears she's dependent on a monthly allowance from her father in New York.
12:12But earlier this month, she put everything on sunny dim in the three o'clock at Kempton.
12:16Sad, sad. Why, she could have touched me.
12:19My dear Bertie, a girl like that doesn't borrow money.
12:23Much too proud.
12:33Harold is in sole charge of the school treat this year.
12:36Oh, well done, Stinker.
12:37Uncle Watkin is going to give them a vicarage, and we'll be able to get married.
12:41We'll see, my dear. We'll see.
12:43Sir Watkin's kindly allowing us to exhibit his collection of silver.
12:46We're putting up a special tent for it.
12:48Gussie could bring some newts.
12:51What?
12:52To the school treat. It will be interesting for people to look at newts.
12:56I'm not going to have my newts stared at by all and sundry.
12:59Also, Madeleine, I don't see why you're allowed to eat roast beef when you're meant to be a vegetarian.
13:05Oh, Gussie, how could you? How cruel.
13:09You devil in human form, Fink-Nottle.
13:11Well, I don't think...
13:12You know perfectly well Madeleine has to eat meat for medical reasons.
13:15She's delicate.
13:17I hate every mouthful. It's torture.
13:20Well, it doesn't look like torture to me.
13:22Oh, Gussie.
13:28I'll talk to you later, Fink-Nottle.
13:36Well, that's new, isn't it, Sir Watkin?
13:38What?
13:39That thing in the middle of the table. Attractive little bijou.
13:42Uncle Watkin bought it from a man named Plank.
13:45He lives over in Hockley-Carmeston.
13:47It's worth a thousand pounds, but it's evil.
13:50It should never have been allowed into the house.
13:54Rot, Stephanie.
13:56It's a perfectly ordinary African tribal totem.
13:59Oh, well, golly. Soapstone, is it?
14:01Amber. Black amber.
14:03It's got a curse on it.
14:06It's been nothing but bad luck.
14:18Bertie!
14:20What is it, Stephanie?
14:22Come in here.
14:25That black statue thing on the table at dinner.
14:28Why do you think Major Plank let Uncle Watty have it for five pounds?
14:33Five pounds? I thought you said it was a thousand.
14:36I said it was worth that.
14:38When your uncle, Tom Travis, was over here,
14:41Uncle Watty told him that he'd spotted it on this fellow Plank's mantelpiece
14:46and had told Plank that it was worth practically nothing.
14:50But that he'd give him a fiver for it.
14:52He gloated over how clever he'd been.
14:55Little did he know.
14:57What do you mean, little did he know?
14:59It has got a curse on it.
15:02Rot!
15:04Since it arrived here, there's been nothing but accidents.
15:07Didn't you feel the evil power emanating from it?
15:10No.
15:12It's changing Uncle Watty, too.
15:14He's getting nasty and short-tempered.
15:16Huh?
15:18Wait a minute, Stiffy. I hate to be the one to break this to you,
15:21but your Uncle Watkin has always been nasty and short-tempered.
15:24The midwife who delivered him remarked on it.
15:26No, it's different now.
15:28It's the power of that terrible thing.
15:30That's why he won't give Harold a vicarage, so that we can get married,
15:34and that's why you're going to steal it.
15:36Oh, no, no, no, Stiffy, no. I told you, no little jobs.
15:39Then you take it back to Plank and get him to give you five pounds for it.
15:42Why can't you just throw it away?
15:44You can't do that.
15:46If you did that, you'd bring the curse down on yourself.
15:49No, it has to go back to the last person in the chain.
15:52And if money changed hands,
15:54then exactly the same amount must change hands again.
15:57No, Stiffy, I'm sorry, but I have never in my life
16:00heard such an earful of unadulterated gammon.
16:02No, no, no, no, no, and no.
16:04I'm sorry, but I'm issuing a nolle prosecque on this one.
16:10A most extraordinary thing happened last night, Bertie.
16:13I wasn't here.
16:15No, at about 2 o'clock,
16:17I woke up and heard someone creeping about.
16:20Well, you know how those stairs creak.
16:22Anyway, I got up and saw Gussie sneaking down to the kitchen.
16:26The door was open a crack and I peered in,
16:29and there was the cook
16:31shoveling cold steak and kidney pie into Gussie,
16:34like a stevedore loading a grain ship.
16:36Really? Well, yes, very interesting.
16:39Isn't it?
16:41The thought flashed into my mind there and then
16:43that if Madeline got to hear about this,
16:45poor old Gussie would be given the bum's rush
16:48before he knew what had hit him.
16:50Well, yes, if.
16:52And you know who'd be next in line?
16:55You wouldn't tell her?
16:57You know how indiscreet I am, Bertie.
17:00Oh, Stiffy, this is blackmail.
17:02Why can't you pinch the blasted statue yourself?
17:05Suppose I got caught.
17:07Tonight, eh, Bertie?
17:11Oh, Stiffy.
17:13Stiffy.
17:30Emerald.
17:39Feel better?
17:41Emerald.
17:47I know I heard something.
18:12What is that?
18:14Oh, hello.
18:16Thought I'd come down for a book.
18:18One would have thought it would have been
18:20within the scope of even your limited abilities
18:23to press a light switch.
18:25You never think of that, though, do you?
18:28What are you holding behind your back?
18:31A book.
18:33A book.
18:35A book.
18:37A book.
18:39What are you holding behind your back, Worcester?
18:42Back?
18:44Back. Yes.
18:46You've heard the word before, I presume.
18:48Oh, back, rather, yes.
18:50Back, front, side, other side.
18:52So what is it you have there?
18:57Let me see your hands, Worcester!
18:59This instant!
19:01Shoot him, Watkin. Don't show him any mercy.
19:05Hands, Worcester.
19:07Oh, hands. Right.
19:09Oh.
19:14Tinkety-tonk.
19:27I don't know what I'd do without you, Jeeves.
19:38BIRDS CHIRP
19:52Ah! Ah, there you are!
19:54Hope I haven't kept you waiting.
19:56Having rugger practice. Come in, my dear fellow, come in.
20:00BIRDS CHIRP
20:06Make yourself comfortable, my dear fellow.
20:09I'll just get these boots off.
20:16Come on. Come on, come on, come on.
20:19See me in the centre there, holding the ball?
20:22My last year at school.
20:24I skip at the side that season.
20:26Oh, really?
20:28Are you fond of rugger? I've never got into it, no.
20:31Good God. Mind you, I didn't get much of it after leaving school.
20:35They stationed me in West Africa.
20:37Really?
20:39Tried to teach the natives the game, but had to give it up.
20:42Too many deaths.
20:44Yeah, it's got a bit tricky for a while.
20:46Deaths? Well, hard ground, you see, and the heat.
20:49Still retired now,
20:51and I'm going to make Hockley-Cumbeston the best rugger village in Gloucestershire.
20:56What we need, though, is a good prop foreman,
20:59and I'll be damned if I can find one.
21:01Still, you don't want to hear all this.
21:03You want to hear about my Brazilian expedition.
21:05Oh, you've been to Brazil.
21:07Well, didn't you know I'd been to Brazil?
21:09Nobody tells me anything.
21:11You are the chap from the Daily Express.
21:13No.
21:15Oh, good Lord, I thought you must be the chap
21:17who wanted to talk to me about my Brazilian explorations.
21:20Oh, you're an explorer.
21:22Does the name Herbert Plank mean nothing to you?
21:25Is your name Plank?
21:26Well, of course it is.
21:27What an odd coincidence.
21:28You know, I've been looking for a character called Plank.
21:30I have here a sort of a... sort of a whatnot.
21:33Where did you get that?
21:35If you just give me £5 for it...
21:36You've stolen that? So that's it.
21:38I've got your number now.
21:40You won't get any £5 from me, my man.
21:42I'm going to call the police.
21:44That won't be necessary, sir.
21:46Who the devil are you?
21:48Chief Inspector Witherspoon, sir.
21:50Scotland Yard.
21:52Has this man been attempting to obtain monies from you, sir?
21:55Yes.
21:57Can't say I'm surprised.
21:58We've had our eye on this one for a long time now.
22:01I suspected from the first.
22:03Nasty hangdog look he's got.
22:06See that statuette he's holding?
22:08I sold that to Sir Watkin Bassett for £1,000.
22:11And he has the cool cheek
22:13to try and sell it to me for £5.
22:16He's stolen it, of course.
22:18Did he indeed, sir?
22:20Well, with your permission, I shall impound the object, sir.
22:22We'll be needing that as evidence.
22:23Come along, Joe. The game is up.
22:25Thank you for your help, Major Plank.
22:27Alpine Joe, we call him, sir,
22:29on account of his peculiar headgear.
22:31He's got it with him now.
22:32He never moves without it, sir.
22:34You'd think he'd have the sense to adopt some rude disguise.
22:36But then the likes of you and I will never understand a criminal mind.
22:38Come along, Joe.
22:44What on earth is going on, Jeet?
22:46The truth about the statuette transaction came to light, sir.
22:49What truth? What statuette transaction?
22:52There is no foundation for the story
22:54that Sir Watkin told Mr Travers, sir.
22:56In actual fact, he did pay Major Plank
22:58£1,000 for the object.
23:00Why on earth did he tell Uncle Tommy only a bit of fiver?
23:03He acted from a desire to exasperate Mr Travers, sir.
23:05Mr Travers is a collector,
23:07and collectors are never pleased when they learn
23:09that a rival has acquired an objet d'art of great value
23:11at a nugatory price.
23:13If you could let me off here, sir.
23:19Why do you want to get out here?
23:21Sir Watkin has now discovered the absence of the statuette, sir.
23:24Constable Oates and the Earl of Sidcar
23:26are conducting the investigation together.
23:28Oh, my Lord, Jeeves. Two minds with not a single thought.
23:31Indeed, sir. I think it wise if I alight here
23:34with the statuette and smuggle it into the dining room.
23:50No, I won't.
23:52Put your hands up.
23:54I'm going to search you, Fink,
23:56not if it's the last thing I do.
23:58You are not.
24:00I'm going to talk to our host about this.
24:03Come back here.
24:05No.
24:09All right, Mr Worcester, sir.
24:11You stay right where you are, sir, while I assert his of you.
24:13No, you blasted well don't.
24:15Is he giving you trouble?
24:17Don't you worry yourself, Lord Sidcup, sir.
24:19I has my own ways of dealing with desperadoes.
24:22Why don't you just tell me what it is you're looking for?
24:24Sir Watkin's priceless African totem has disappeared.
24:28Oh, rot!
24:34Now, Worcester, what do you see?
24:37What do you mean, what do I see?
24:39Don't palter with me, Worcester.
24:41Don't interrupt me, Oates, while I'm interrogating the criminal.
24:44Quiet, men!
24:46What your friend is trying to tell you
24:48is that there is a singularly unattractive black statuette on the table.
24:51What?
24:54Is that what you're looking for?
24:58You wily devil, Worcester.
25:00Oh, pitch.
25:02What's the meaning of this, Oates?
25:04I was of a dream, sir.
25:06Don't bind me words with me, don't.
25:08Ow!
25:10Lord Sidcup, sir.
25:13I'm furious with Augustus.
25:15Oh, surely not.
25:16He was so rude about Roderick.
25:18Never.
25:19He said to Daddy that he was sick and tired
25:21of seeing Roderick clumping about the place as if it belonged to him,
25:24and if Daddy had an ounce more sense than a billiard ball,
25:27he would charge him rent.
25:29He was most offensive.
25:31Well, he said it with a light laugh.
25:33No.
25:34He might not have noticed it. Very easy to miss these light laughs.
25:36He was harsh and bitter.
25:38He's been like this for a long time.
25:40Are you sure, Madeline, that you're altogether wise
25:42in confining Gussie to carrots and cabbage and the like?
25:45He simply needs a mutton chop or two under his belt.
25:47But he's not going to have them.
25:49If he ever eats the flesh of animals slain in anger,
25:52I will have nothing more to do with him.
25:56And then she just biffed off.
25:58Most disturbing, sir.
25:59Well, there we have it, you see.
26:01On the one hand, Madeline's strong anti-flesh bias,
26:03and on the other, Gussie's firm determination
26:05to get all the cuts off the joint that are coming to him.
26:08What, I ask myself, will the harvest be?
26:10Well, sir, perhaps you could persuade Mr Fink-Nottle
26:12to apologise to Sir Watkin and Lord Sitcup,
26:14and this might ameliorate the tension
26:16between himself and Miss Bassett to some extent.
26:18Well, I could try it, I suppose.
26:20But you know what Mr Fink-Nottle is like
26:21once he gets the bit between his teeth?
26:23KNOCK AT DOOR
26:27It's back.
26:29I know it's back. I brought it back.
26:31Oh, Bertie, you are a complete fool.
26:33Well, I like that. It was you who got the story all wrong.
26:36Are you going to pick on every little thing I do?
26:39Well, you'll just have to get it back to Major Blank again.
26:42Well, how can I? He thinks I'm Alpine Joe.
26:44Who?
26:45Well, anyway, unless he gives me £1,000 for it,
26:47the curse will fall on me.
26:49Well, get him to give you the £1,000, then.
26:51Ahem.
26:52You'll pardon me for interrupting, Miss Bing,
26:54but there may be another way out of this dilemma.
26:56The object is a totem for the Mgali people.
26:59Is it?
27:01The Mgali believe that the tribal chief
27:03can shortcut the rather laborious procedure
27:05for the return of a totem
27:07by personally laying claim to it using a particular form of words.
27:10A spell, you mean?
27:12I should not like to go so far as to say that, Miss,
27:14but I have been in telephonic communication
27:16with the Zynegian High Commission,
27:18and it so happens that the chief of the Mgali
27:20is in London at the moment.
27:22Jeez, that's wonderful!
27:23The High Commission is of the opinion
27:25that the chief would be most interested
27:27in recovering the object for his tribe.
27:29And you think my uncle is just going to hand it over?
27:32I understand that the chief of the Mgali
27:34has certain powers, Miss,
27:36which might make his demands irresistible.
27:40Well, I wish him luck with Uncle Watkin.
27:43But if we don't stop that thing from influencing him
27:46by making him refuse to give Harold a vicarage,
27:49we know what will happen, don't we, Bertie?
27:51Oh, now, look, Stiffy.
27:53Little Bird will chirrup in Madeline's ear
27:55about Gussie getting illicit steak and kidney.
27:58And then Madeline will be looking for a new victim
28:01to inflict paternic torture on.
28:11Women always put a damper on things, don't they, Jeeves?
28:14They're brought up to believe that it is part of their duty
28:16to restrain male optimism, sir.
28:18And indeed, in this case, there may be cause for restraint.
28:21The High Commission informs me
28:23that the chief will probably be loath to miss
28:25tomorrow afternoon's programme of racing at Ascot, sir.
28:27Good Lord, Jeeves, what do we do if he doesn't turn up?
28:30I can only suggest that somebody impersonates him, sir.
28:34Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
28:36Absolutely not, under no circumstances.
28:38It wouldn't do any good anyway.
28:39Unless I actually was the chief, the curse would just be on me again.
28:42But you surely don't believe in the curse, sir?
28:45Oh, no, that's right, I don't, do I? No.
28:47So long as your performance is sufficiently convincing
28:49to provoke Sir Watkin into giving you the statuette.
28:51Well, it isn't going to convince anyone, Jeeves,
28:53because it isn't going to happen.
28:55Oh, Lord, I'd better go and try and persuade Gussie
28:57to apologise to Spode and Sir Watkin.
28:59Do you know what I feel like, Jeeves?
29:00No, sir.
29:01I feel like that little Dutch boy with all his fingers and toes
29:04in various holes in the dike.
29:08Come in.
29:10Ah, what ho, Gussie?
29:12Oh, hello, Bertie.
29:13Do you know that Spode creature tried to search me?
29:16Well, yes, actually, that's...
29:18What are you doing?
29:20I'm putting on my galoshes.
29:22What for?
29:23I'm going for a walk with Emerald.
29:25Or perhaps a row on the river.
29:28You can't go for a walk with Emerald.
29:30You can't row, anyway.
29:31No, but Emerald can.
29:33She's wonderful, Bertie.
29:35No, no, no, no, no, no, Gussie.
29:37I mean, I'm a pleasant enough girl, I suppose.
29:39She says I can hold the rope things and steer.
29:42She says if you pull it this way, it goes in this direction.
29:45But if you pull it that way, it goes in that direction.
29:48She... she knows so many things, Bertie.
29:53Hm.
29:56Oh.
30:12There's a major blank on the telephone, sir.
30:26Oh.
30:30Are you there?
30:32Just thought I'd give you a ring, sir,
30:34after all the excitement.
30:36What about Alpine Joe, eh?
30:39What? Who?
30:41Alpine Joe?
30:43Who in God's name is Alpine Joe?
30:45Detective Inspector Witherspoon?
30:48You feeling all right, Plank?
30:50Tonight? No, no, no, I'm just going to have my tea.
30:53Give it to Totley tomorrow morning. We can talk about it then.
30:57What? No!
30:59No, I've never heard of Alpine Joe.
31:02Nor the other one.
31:13Whoo!
31:15What did you get?
31:24I don't want to go to this dreaded school treat, Jeeves.
31:27I fear it might be wise to vacate the house, sir, if Major Plank is expected.
31:31What's in the bag? Your African costume, sir, should it become necessary.
31:35Oh, Jeeves, can't you do it? I'm sorry, sir.
31:38What if I were to say the word Cuba, Jeeves?
31:41Not even then, sir.
31:54WHISTLE BLOWS
32:02Five throws for a penny.
32:04Hoopla! Five throws a penny.
32:07Win any prize you bring.
32:09Now, madam, can I interest you, perhaps?
32:11Five throws a penny.
32:13Any prize you bring from a selection of magnificent prizes.
32:16Three balls for a penny.
32:18Win the prize, coconut!
32:21SIGHS
32:26No, not like that, you namby-pamby!
32:40Hey, Gussie, get me some more water from the pump, will you?
32:44I don't want to leave you.
32:46Oh, Gussie.
32:48I could stay there watching you pour tea for the rest of my life.
32:52Oh, Gussie.
32:54Oh, oh, oh.
33:13Fink-Nottle, come back here, you bounder!
33:19Fink-Nottle!
33:21What on earth is the matter, Spoke?
33:23Fink-Nottle's a libertine.
33:25A libertine, Gussie?
33:27I've just seen him kissing the cook.
33:29What? And now I'm going to break his neck.
33:32Spoke!
33:34Sir Watkin, which is the Benin bronze head and which is the Maconde mask?
33:39The Benin bronze is the one at the back.
33:41Isn't Harold being helpful, Uncle Watkin?
33:44Yes, yes, yes. Doing very well.
33:46You are going to let him have a vicarage, aren't you?
33:49So that we can get married.
33:51Oh, I suppose you know what you're doing very well.
33:55Oh, Uncle Wattie!
34:05Watch out!
34:07Gussie, isn't it wonderful?
34:10Uncle Wattie's given Harold a vicarage.
34:13What are you doing here?
34:15Patrick Spode's looking for you because he wants to tear you limb from limb.
34:18For kissing the cook.
34:20Did you kiss the cook, Gussie?
34:22Yes, he did kiss the blasted cook.
34:24Spode's looking for me?
34:26He says he's going to tear your legs off.
34:40And now I'm going to break your neck, Fink-Nottle.
34:44Yes.
34:45Harold! One of you do something!
34:48I'm a coward.
35:02Well done, Harold!
35:04Would it be wise to remove yourself, do you think, Gussie, before Spode comes to?
35:09Oh!
35:11Five crores a penny, win any prize you ring.
35:14Now Spode's seen him kissing Emerald and he's going to break Gussie's neck.
35:17Come along, ladies and gentlemen.
35:19Stinker socks Spode on the jaw.
35:21Can you stop doing that for a moment, Jeeves?
35:23We mustn't neglect passing trains, sir.
35:25Would it be advisable to neglect the matter of the statuette?
35:28It seemed to be a question of now or never, sir.
35:30You mean...
35:31Particularly with Major Plank approaching us at this very moment, sir.
35:34What?
35:39Oh, my God!
35:40Inspector Witherspoon!
35:42What on earth are you doing here?
35:44I'm working undercover, as we say, sir.
35:46Call me Jeeves.
35:48Jeeves. Oh, right.
35:50Ah, Major Plank! Good of you to come.
35:52Afternoon, Sir Watkins.
35:54Seen my little exhibition yet?
35:56Exhibition, no.
35:57Come and have a look.
35:59That totem I bought off you has pride of place, of course.
36:05Gussie, there you are.
36:07The urn's nearly empty.
36:09What have you been doing with yourself?
36:11There's nothing in here!
36:13Spode shook me, Eb.
36:15That gorilla!
36:17Oh, you poor lamb!
36:22Fink-nottle!
36:27I say!
36:28Leave Gussie alone!
36:30Oh, no, my dear.
36:38Oh, Emerald!
36:40Oh, Lord!
36:42Gussies have been looking everywhere for you.
36:45Gussie! You brute!
36:48Not at all. He was warned.
36:50He saw me remove my glasses.
36:52When I remove my glasses,
36:54those who know what's good for them head for the hills.
36:57I hate you! I hate you!
37:00You hate me, do you?
37:02I do! I loathe you!
37:04I loathe you!
37:06In that case, I shall now eat a ham sandwich.
37:11Oh, yes!
37:13Good afternoon.
37:15Come along, Emerald.
37:19I told Harold about the vicarage, Uncle Watkin.
37:22Oh, hello, Major Blank.
37:24What vicarage is that, Stephanie?
37:26The vicarage that you're giving him.
37:28You appear to be under a misapprehension.
37:31But you said just now...
37:33I was aware when I spoke as I did
37:35that Mr Pinker was planning a brutal assault
37:38upon the Earl of Sidcup.
37:42This is George II's brandy pan I picked up in Bournemouth.
37:47I like the gadroons round the...
37:49Dragoon, yes.
37:51Here we are, Your Excellency.
37:54Arty!
37:56Arty!
37:58Arty!
38:00Arty!
38:06Stop!
38:08Who the devil are you?
38:10I'm me, Chief Mdingo.
38:12And me come from far across Great Water.
38:15What?
38:17Chief Mdingo.
38:20What?
38:30Much big iron boat?
38:38I've never heard so much tingle-tangle in all of me life.
38:49Would you mind repeating that?
38:51No, not at all. Him thing, much magic, my tribe.
38:54Mdingo say...
38:55Where are you from?
38:56What?
38:57What tribe do you belong to?
38:59Uh, well, uh...
39:01Krua Yakko Ghani!
39:03What's going on?
39:09I'm looking for Sir Watkin Bassett.
39:11That's me.
39:13Sir Watkin, how do you do?
39:15My name's Toto. Chief Toto, for my sins.
39:18Yes?
39:20Look here, this is really very embarrassing for me,
39:22but it's about that doodad you have there.
39:25What about it?
39:26Well, the truth of the matter is it should never have left the tribe,
39:29and I'm here to get it back.
39:31Wait a minute.
39:33If you're the chief of the tribe, who the Socrates is this?
39:39I am the foggiest.
39:41I must consult with elders of tribe.
39:48Do you know who that was?
39:50Alpine Joe!
39:52It's Woody Blank, isn't it?
39:54Yes.
39:56Oh, Toto, how the devil are you?
39:59It's been a few years.
40:01You still on your quest for the perfect prop forward?
40:03Oh, yes.
40:04Can we get back to the matter in hand?
40:07I'm sorry, but I bought that totem fair and square.
40:10Yes, yes, yes, of course, one does understand,
40:12but you see, it's one of these blasted tribal things.
40:15I mean, one doesn't want to appear crass or anything,
40:18but one did wonder if, um...
40:21this might be some recompense.
40:40Into the car! Quick!
40:46Meryl! Gussie!
40:49Gussie, you can't leave me at the mercy of Bantley!
40:52Oh, yes, he can! We're going to get married!
40:55Bye, Bernie!
41:03I'm sorry, Stiffy, I didn't want to hit Spode.
41:06Good Lord, isn't that Stinker Pinker?
41:09Pinker? We were at Harrow together.
41:11H.P. Pinker.
41:13H.P. Pinker? Not THE H.P. Pinker?
41:17Mm-hm.
41:18Perhaps Sir Watkin will feel differently tomorrow.
41:21Stinker!
41:23Good Lord! Buffy Toto!
41:26You're H.P. Pinker, aren't you?
41:28Prop forward for Oxford and England a few years back.
41:31Yes.
41:32What an honour!
41:33Look here, I'm desperate for a prop forward
41:35for the Hockley commestance side.
41:37Oh, I don't think...
41:38Look, I may be talking out of turn here,
41:40but we need a new vicar as well.
41:42And a vicarage, would you?
41:44We most certainly would!
41:49Oh, I say!
41:51Bertie!
41:53Bertie!
41:58Daddy, have you seen Bertie Wooster anywhere?
42:01Yes, he's somewhere about,
42:03dressed up in some ludicrous costume. Why?
42:05I'm going to marry him.
42:12Madeline says she's going to marry that idiot Wooster.
42:15What?
42:17But she can't.
42:18Well, he's worse than that fish-faced blighter.
42:20I know. Far worse.
42:22Oh!
42:24I must talk to her.
42:26Madeline! Madeline!
42:28Madeline!
42:30Madeline!
42:34Madeline!
42:38Madeline, is this true?
42:40You're going to marry Wooster?
42:42Yes, Woderick, it is true.
42:44But you can't love a half-witted, half-baked idiot like Wooster.
42:48Blasphemy, Woderick.
42:50You must have seen that dumb, worshipping look in his eyes as he gazes at me.
42:54You can't marry Wooster, Madeline.
42:56You can't! You can't!
43:10Well, there was a...
43:14Your Highness.
43:16Still working undercover, Jeeves.
43:19This is what can I...
43:24Sir.
43:26Can't you do anything, Jeeves?
43:28I'm sunk, scuppered.
43:30Madeline Bassett it at last.
43:32I'm sorry, sir.
43:34Jeeves! Cuba! The tarpon leaping!
43:36You really think such a trip might be feasible, sir?
43:38Yes, Jeeves, yes. Two weeks in sunny Havana.
43:42Your predicament does present almost insuperable obstacles, of course.
43:45All right, three weeks.
43:48Perhaps I might be able to manage something, sir.
43:51A month, Jeeves. Four whole weeks.
43:54And I'll throw in the alpine hat.
43:57Leave it to me, sir.
44:03Whoa.
44:09Excuse me, Lord Sitcup.
44:11The guests are all assembled.
44:14Everyone's there, are they?
44:16Oh, yes, sir.
44:20Perhaps you have hidden depths, Wooster. Is that it?
44:23I don't think so.
44:25No one's ever mentioned it, anyway.
44:27Oh, my God.
44:34Ladies and gentlemen,
44:36I have an announcement to make.
44:39Little Madeline has consented to be the next Countess of Sitcup.
44:44What?
44:46She has done me the honour of accepting my proposal of marriage.
45:03Well, Jeeves, I take my hat off to you.
45:05I don't know how you arranged it.
45:07Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You can't...
45:10Jeeves, did you know about this?
45:13Another glass of champagne, sir?
45:19I'm so happy I could sing.
45:21Well, you've come to the right shop.
45:25Oh, my gee, my gosh, my gum, my joe
45:27Oh, my joe, oh, my joe, oh, my joe
45:29Oh, my jinger, won't you hear a lull
45:31Will you kindly raise your voice?
45:32Louder!
45:33We will build for you a hut
45:35Yes, you will be our favourite nut
45:37We'll have a lot of little oh, my joesies
45:39Dress them up in clogs and clothes
45:41Oh, my gee, my gosh, my gum, my joe
45:43Oh, my joe, oh, my joe, oh, my joe
45:45Oh, my jinger, won't you hear a lull
45:47Will you kindly raise your voice?
45:48Louder!
45:49We will build for you a hut
45:50Yes, you will be our favourite nut
45:52We'll have a lot of little oh, my joesies
45:54Dress them up in clogs and clothes
45:56Oh, my jinger, said my gosh, my gee
45:58E-A-B-C-D-E, stop!
46:00Oh, my Jiminy, please don't bother me
46:03So they all went away, saying
46:04Oh, my gee, my gosh, my gum, my joe
46:06Oh, my jinger, oh, my gee, oh, the only one for me
46:09Bring me lobster on a clean plate