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00:00Well, it's not a good play, is it?
00:07Absolutely.
00:08Did that girl in the blue hat remind you of someone?
00:11Er, no.
00:12Oh, no, of course not.
00:13You haven't met her.
00:14So it wouldn't.
00:15Met who?
00:16Well, this girl I'm talking about.
00:18No.
00:19She's a wonderful girl.
00:20How's Angela?
00:21Don't talk to me about Angela.
00:23Oh, right.
00:24So, what do you think the fellow with the gammy leg from the war's going to do in Act
00:28Two?
00:29Well, your cousin Angela is an A-1 scourge, if you must know.
00:33Oh, come, come, Tuffy.
00:36This is my favourite cousin you're talking about.
00:37You know she's given me the push.
00:39No.
00:40She has.
00:41Simply because I was man enough to speak out candidly on the subject of a ghastly hat she
00:46was chump enough to buy.
00:47What do you mean, fuh?
00:48Well, all I said was it made her look like a raccoon peering out from underneath a flowerpot.
00:55Which it did.
00:56Yes, well, they're not awfully keen on fearless honesty, I find.
00:58Well, your cousin Angela certainly isn't.
01:00Not about hats, anyway.
01:03Anyway, I've been down at Bleaching Court for the last week.
01:07You know, trying to forget.
01:08It's a Reginald Dalgleish's place.
01:09I'm going to be staying there this weekend.
01:10Yes, I know.
01:11You'll be able to meet...
01:12Yes, well, never mind.
01:13Meet?
01:14Meet who?
01:15Cheers.
01:17Dash it, James.
01:18I wish you'd at least put it on another table for a change.
01:19Still here?
01:20I mean, every day, the same old time, you come in with the same old tray and put it
01:21on the same old table.
01:22I'm just fed up with the monotony.
01:23It's the bally...
01:24Ballyness of it all makes it all seem so bally-bally.
01:25You know what?
01:26I've got to go.
01:27Bye.
01:28Bye.
01:29Bye.
01:30Bye.
01:31Bye.
01:32Bye.
01:33Bye.
01:34Bye.
01:35Bye.
01:36Bye.
01:37Bye.
01:38Bye.
01:39Bye.
01:40Bye.
01:41Bye.
01:42Bye.
01:43Bye.
01:44Bye.
01:46Would you like me to put it on another table, sir?
01:48No, no, no, Jeeves, no, I'm not blaming you, no, it's just...
01:51By Jove, I mean to say, I've been...
01:53I've been thinking pretty deeply these last few days, Jeeves, and...
01:56Well, I've come to the conclusion that mine is an empty life, Jeeves.
02:00I'm lonely.
02:02You have a great many friends, sir.
02:04Oh, yes, I know, but I...
02:06You know that play?
02:07Oh, what was his dash name?
02:08The one I saw last night?
02:10No, sir.
02:11Er, it's not what you call it.
02:12Anyway, the hero's a chap who's buzzing along through life,
02:14you know, quite merry and bright,
02:16apart from his gammy leg from the war,
02:18and all of a sudden, his kid turns up
02:20and says that she's his daughter,
02:22left over from Act One.
02:24He's absolutely the first he's ever heard of it.
02:26So, obviously, there's a bit of a fuss,
02:28and they say to him, what ho?
02:30And he says, what ho?
02:32And, anyway, he takes the kid,
02:34and they go off together out into the world.
02:37Very inspiring, sir.
02:39Yes, well, I thought so, yes.
02:41What I'm driving at, Jeeves, is that, you know,
02:43I envied that chappy.
02:45You know, having a jolly little girl
02:47clinging to him trustingly and whatnot.
02:49Someone to look after, if you know what I mean.
02:51You know, I wish I had a daughter.
02:54I wonder what the procedure is.
02:56Marriage is, I believe, sir,
02:58the preliminary step
03:00for those willing to undergo its rigours.
03:02Yes, yes, I suppose so.
03:04Oh, well.
03:06PHONE RINGS
03:12Thank you.
03:18Telegram for you, sir.
03:33Rummy communication, this, Jeeves.
03:35From Mr. Glossopper. Indeed, sir.
03:37When you come down, bring my rugger boots.
03:39Also, Irish water spaniel.
03:41Urgent. Regards, Tuppy.
03:43You know, I'm worried about Mr. Glossopper, Jeeves.
03:45From the way he was talking last night,
03:47I got the distinct impression that he's gone and got himself involved
03:50with that Dalgleish girl down in Bleaching. Indeed, sir.
03:52Apparently, he's had some sort of bust-up with my cousin Angela.
03:55But I mean to say, Jeeves, if a girl can't,
03:57in the course of ordinary, everyday conversation,
03:59tell a chap to go and boil his head
04:01without said chap turning to the arms of another,
04:03well, I mean, where are we, Jeeves? Where indeed, sir?
04:06Oh, I think we owe it to my cousin Angela
04:08to prise Tuppy apart from this interloper.
04:10Very good, sir.
04:12Allo, Jeeves. Le gant de monsieur.
04:14Le chapeau de monsieur.
04:16Et le poignet de monsieur.
04:18I tell you what, Jeeves. Sir?
04:20In our recent discussion of children,
04:22pattering feet and so forth, I can always marry Bobbie Wickham.
04:24Let's start it that way.
04:26Oh, Jeeves, I know we had an unfortunate experience
04:28the last time I was going to propose to her,
04:30but she's a good aim, Jeeves, you can't deny that.
04:32Well, sir? She's playing at the
04:34South Hearts Ladies' Tennis Championship today.
04:36Book us a couple of rooms at the local caravanserai,
04:38we'll pop in and see her on the way down to Bleaching.
04:40Very good, sir.
04:42Jeeves! Yes, sir?
04:44There is a tone that comes into your voice whenever I mention Miss Wickham.
04:46If I didn't know you better, I'd almost call it a sigh.
04:48Oh, no, sir, I assure you... Well, try and eradicate it, Jeeves.
04:50Very good, sir.
04:52Miss Wickham is an absolute corker and as such is a worthy mother to my children.
04:54She may have her faults,
04:56but she's absolutely chock-full to the brim with fizz and ginger.
04:58Precisely, sir, that is...
05:00Ah, ah, ah, ah, Jeeves.
05:02Very good, sir.
05:04Bertie! Bingo!
05:06I was just on my way to find you, Bertie.
05:08I wanted to ask you a question.
05:10Ask away, Bingo.
05:12Do you like the name Mabel? No.
05:14Oh.
05:16You don't think it has a certain music in it,
05:18like the wind rustling gently through the treetops?
05:20Er, no. Oh.
05:22Oh, well, you wouldn't, of course.
05:24You always wear a facet without any sole, weren't you?
05:26Come on, I'll take you to have lunch with her.
05:32Thank you.
05:38I'm sure this is the right place, Bingo.
05:40Sit down, Bertie.
05:42Ah.
05:44Aren't we going to wait for...
05:46Hello, Mabel.
05:48Hello.
05:50This is Bertie Worcester, a pal of mine.
05:52Pleased to meet you.
05:54Oh, hello, Mabel.
05:56You see I'm wearing the tie.
05:58It suits you beautiful.
06:00Cocoa.
06:02Feeling empire.
06:04Slice of fruitcake and a macaroon.
06:06You remember.
06:08Same for you, sir.
06:10No, no, no, I'll just have a roll of butter and a cup of coffee, please.
06:12Right.
06:18Well?
06:20Very nice.
06:22You don't think she's the most beautiful girl you ever saw?
06:24Absolutely.
06:26So what I thought was, Bertie,
06:28I'd like to put my problem to Jeeves.
06:30What problem?
06:32My Uncle Mortimer, of course, you poor fish.
06:34What do you think he's going to say to my marrying Mabel?
06:36Oh, you're going to get married, are you?
06:38Of course we're going to get married.
06:40Oh, that's a coincidence.
06:42Because I've decided I'm going to marry Bobby Wickham.
06:44Oh, never mind that.
06:46He'll tie himself in knots on the hearth, right?
06:48Yeah, one of these emotional Johnnies, is he?
06:50I'm pretty well dependent on the old boy.
06:52If he cuts off my allowance, I shall be very much in the soup.
06:54Somehow or other, his mind has got to be prepared
06:56to receive the news, but how?
06:58Ah.
07:00That's a fat lot of help.
07:06We'll soon have you sorted out, Bingo.
07:14Good heavens, Jeeves.
07:16Is that an Irish water spaniel?
07:18No, sir. No such animal was available at short notice.
07:20I thought an Irish wolfhound
07:22would make an acceptable approximation.
07:24I don't know, Jeeves.
07:26Toppy was pretty specific in his telegram.
07:28Ah, what about the ruggables?
07:30I collected them from his housekeeper, sir.
07:32Good, good.
07:34Well, Bingo's got a bit of a problem, Jeeves.
07:36Delicate subject, Jeeves, as a matter of fact.
07:38Very good, sir.
07:42Jeeves?
07:44What on earth's the matter, Jeeves?
07:46Jeeves?
07:48I apologise, sir.
07:50It was unforgivable of me.
07:52I should be better directly.
07:54It's just Mr. Little's tie, sir.
07:56It has
07:58little horseshoes on it.
08:00Oh, yes, yes. I noticed that.
08:02It's sometimes difficult just to shrug
08:04these things off, sir.
08:06However,
08:08what was it, sir, that Mr. Little needed advice on?
08:10It's about his uncle.
08:12Would that be Lord Bittlesham,
08:14who lives in Pounceby Gardens, sir?
08:16How do you know he lives in Pounceby Gardens?
08:18I'm on terms of some intimacy
08:20with Lord Bittlesham's cook, sir.
08:22In fact, there is an understanding.
08:24Do you mean you're engaged?
08:26It might be said to amount to that, sir, yes.
08:28Well, well, well.
08:30She is an excellent cook, sir.
08:34Sir?
08:36My uncle Mortimer is quite likely to cut off my allowance,
08:38so you see penury is staring me in the face, Jeeves.
08:40One thing does occur, sir.
08:42I was speaking to Lord Bittlesham's valet
08:44only the other day,
08:46and he was telling me that it has become
08:48his principal duty to read to Lord Bittlesham
08:50in the evenings.
08:52If I were you, sir, I would volunteer
08:54to take over that particular task.
08:56Ah, old man
08:58moved by nephew's kindly action, you mean.
09:00Partly that, sir.
09:02I was relying, however, more on Mr. Little's
09:04choice of literature.
09:06If you were to read to your uncle day by day
09:08a series of narratives in which marriage
09:10of young persons of inferior social status
09:12is held up to be both admirable
09:14and feasible, then I fancy
09:16it might prepare Lord Bittlesham's mind
09:18for the news that his nephew wishes to marry
09:20a waitress in a tea shop.
09:22Well, are there any books like that nowadays?
09:24Oh, a great many, sir.
09:26Have you never encountered The Courtship of Lord Strathmorelick
09:28by Rosie M. Banks?
09:30Nope.
09:32Nor Only a Factory Girl by the same author?
09:34Never.
09:36My aunt owns almost a complete set
09:38of Rosie M. Banks, sir.
09:40I could easily borrow as many volumes
09:42as you might require.
09:44That's attractive reading.
09:46All right, then, Jeeves. You toddle off to your aunt's
09:48and grab a couple of the fruitiest.
09:50May as well give it a dash, eh? What do you say, Bingo?
09:52Oh, anything. Anything, Bertie. I'll start straight away.
10:02Right. Take the luggage round to the hotel, Jeeves,
10:04and I'll see you later.
10:06Very good, sir.
10:08And wish me luck with this work, Jeeves.
10:10I do, sir. I do. Most happily.
10:14Take care, gentlemen.
10:16We're going to request a yacht through the barge
10:18during the course of the day. Thank you.
10:20What ho, Bobbie?
10:22Where on earth have you been, Bertie?
10:24My match starts in five minutes.
10:26This is my cousin, Clementina.
10:28You're to look after her till I've finished.
10:30Wish me luck.
10:32Well, Clementina.
10:34Was that your car that you came in?
10:36With the dog? Yes.
10:38My father's got a Bentley.
10:40Really?
10:42And what's the match, eh?
10:44They've got strawberries in the tea tent.
10:46Um...
10:48Excuse me.
10:50Strawberries.
11:02Right, now.
11:04You'd better hurry up and eat those or you'll miss the match.
11:08You didn't get any lemonade.
11:12Thank you.
11:30Did they have any ice cream?
11:32No.
11:34I saw a boy eating one.
11:36Excuse me.
11:38Sorry.
11:42Game to Miss Wickham.
11:44Miss Wickham leads four games to three.
11:56Excuse me. I'm so sorry.
11:58Sorry. Here you go.
12:00Sorry. Here you go.
12:08Game set
12:10and match to Miss Wickham.
12:22Horrific, wasn't it?
12:24You were wonderful.
12:26We are awfully good of you to rally round, Bertie.
12:28Well, you're not going?
12:30I promised to take Clementina to tea.
12:32Oh, yes, yes. I expect you'll need some nourishment, yes.
12:34Bye-bye.
12:36But, Bobby,
12:38there was something I wanted to say to you.
12:40You can give me dinner at the Mariner's
12:42if you like. Bye.
12:44This may well be it, Jeeves.
12:46It, sir? Pitching the wall, Jeeves.
12:48Not to rule out popping the question.
12:50The lights will be low, the wine will be flowing.
12:52I'm sure I wish you
12:54every good fortune, sir.
12:56We hope that the dog will not impede your endeavours.
12:58Patrick?
13:00Patrick will be warmly ensconced in your room, Jeeves.
13:02It is, if you recall, sir,
13:04my evening off.
13:06I had promised myself a quiet evening
13:08with an improving book.
13:10Can't you spend an evening with an improving dog?
13:12He will pine for you, sir.
13:14He pined most pathetically this afternoon.
13:16He becomes excitable
13:18when he pines.
13:22Well, come along, Patrick.
13:26Come on, Bobby.
13:28She's forgotten, Patrick.
13:34Hello, Mr. Worcester.
13:36Are we late?
13:38No, no.
13:42This is Patrick.
13:44Clementina loves animals.
13:46Of course, she's not allowed to have them at school.
13:48What can you expect of a dump like St. Monica's?
13:50No, no.
13:52He's sweet.
13:54Bobby, I...
13:56I wanted to ask you something.
14:00You shouldn't let the waiters tease the dog like that.
14:02No, no, I suppose not.
14:06Bobby, there comes a time in a man's life...
14:08Are we going to have ice cream?
14:14And a double 19 to finish, I think.
14:20Thank you, gentlemen.
14:22Thank you, gentlemen.
14:24Most enjoyable.
14:26Where ever did you learn to play like that, Mr. Jeeves?
14:28One picks these things up
14:30as one passes through life, my dear.
14:32That was lovely, Bertie.
14:34Oh, well, I'm glad you enjoyed it,
14:36Bobby, because, er...
14:38Well, what I mean to say is...
14:40Do you think Patrick would be sick if we gave him some ice cream?
14:42Yes.
14:44Er, Bobby, we've known each other a long time,
14:46and...
14:48Excuse me, Miss Wickham, your car is here.
14:50Oh, no.
14:52Look at the time. Car?
14:54I'll just catch the 9.45 if I hurry.
14:56I absolutely promise
14:58to go to a party tonight in London.
15:00Party? But...
15:02Oh, Bertie, could you do me a terrific favour?
15:04Well, yes, all right.
15:06Take Clementina back to school for me, will you?
15:08School?
15:10Come on.
15:22Oh, bless you, Bertie. You're an angel in human form.
15:24Well...
15:26Oh, there is one thing. One thing?
15:28Clementina's meant to be in bed.
15:30Oh, you didn't come out without leave.
15:32Oh, now, look, Bobby.
15:34Oh, you must learn not to fuss so, Bertie.
15:36Oh, I must, must I?
15:38It's perfectly simple.
15:40First, you need a good, long piece of string.
15:42You know what string is, don't you?
15:44Certainly. As in string.
15:46Good. You take the string with you,
15:48and when you get to the garden,
15:50Clem will show you where you find the flowerpots.
15:52Grab one of those and then go to the conservatory.
15:54Beside the conservatory, there's a tree.
15:56Climb this tree and...
15:58Hold on a minute.
16:00I really don't have time for you to keep on interrupting, Bertie.
16:02Climb the tree, tie the string onto the flowerpot,
16:04climb down the tree, holding onto the string,
16:06the flowerpot drops and smashes the glass.
16:08While someone comes out to investigate,
16:10Clem sneaks in and goes up to bed. All right?
16:12Tree, flowerpot,
16:14conservatory, string.
16:18Ah, Jeeves.
16:20So, what happened
16:22to the quiet evening with an improving book?
16:24I felt the need for a change of air, sir.
16:26Ah, well, Jeeves,
16:28now you'll no doubt be surprised to learn
16:30that something in the nature of a hitch has occurred.
16:32Did your proposal meet
16:34with a sympathetic ear, sir?
16:36No, it did not, Jeeves.
16:38As a matter of fact, it didn't meet with any ear at all.
16:48Right, now, as it's all night off, Jeeves,
16:50your part in the proceedings is simplicity itself.
16:52You just have to sit here and look after Patrick.
16:54Very good, sir.
16:56A thought has just occurred to me, sir.
16:58This is no time for thought, Jeeves. Come along, Clementina.
17:04Come along.
17:10The conservatory's over there.
17:12And that's where the flowerpots are.
17:14Right, well, uh,
17:16goodbye, Clementina.
17:18Good luck.
17:20Thank you, yes.
17:34Thank you.
18:04Oh!
18:06Oh!
18:08Here, you!
18:10Come back here, you!
18:12Right.
18:28All right, all right.
18:30Come down out of there, you.
18:34You!
18:36Patrick!
18:38Oh!
18:40Oh!
18:42Oh!
18:44Barbara
18:46tossed her auburn curls
18:48rebelliously. Her dark eyes
18:50flashed.
18:52Her father might be only a millhand,
18:54but she had the pride of the Ormskirks.
18:56That same pride that had prompted
18:58her grandfather, Old Stanley Ormskirk,
19:00to stand firm
19:02when threatened with eviction from his humble
19:04cottage by Lord Grantchester
19:06for refusing to doff his cap.
19:10Get mistress to see the prisoner, constable.
19:12Very good, Sarge.
19:14I am so
19:16sorry, Mr. Worcester.
19:18This is a disgrace.
19:20Oh, right.
19:22I shall be eternally grateful for the trouble you have
19:24taken.
19:26You know.
19:28You have behaved with great courage.
19:30Identify this man, Miss Mapleton.
19:32Identify him? Of course I
19:34identify him. You are
19:36an imbecile, officer.
19:38You have bungled this whole affair
19:40by mistaking Mr. Worcester for a
19:42burglar. He was up a tree, ma'am.
19:44Of course he was up a tree.
19:48No doubt you had climbed the tree
19:50in order to watch the better, Mr. Worcester.
19:56Yes, that's right, absolutely.
19:58That's the matter. Got it in one.
20:00The officer is a fool, Mr. Worcester.
20:02By this time, no doubt, thanks to
20:04his idiocy, the miscreants
20:06you spotted have made good their escape.
20:08Probably.
20:10Release Mr. Worcester at once, sergeant.
20:12Release this man, constable.
20:20Perhaps I should drive Miss Mapleton
20:22to the school zone. Well, yes,
20:24of course. No, no, I intend to walk.
20:26Perhaps I shall catch sight of those
20:28desperados as I go.
20:30Good night, Mr. Worcester. Good night.
20:32Mr. Jeeves,
20:34I look forward to seeing you tomorrow.
20:38Thank you very much, ma'am.
20:40Now, Jeeves, perhaps you'll be good enough to explain
20:42to me what on earth has been going on.
20:44It occurred to me, sir, that the most judicious
20:46course of action was simply for me to
20:48ring the doorbell and request an interview
20:50with Miss Mapleton. And while the maid
20:52had gone to inform her mistress to introduce
20:54Miss Clementina into the house unobserved.
20:56And you told the old dragon that I was on my way
20:58to call him home. He was now out in the garden
21:00chivvying burglars with my bare hands.
21:02Precisely, sir. Jeeves, I should have been
21:04guided by you from the first. It might
21:06have spared some temporary unpleasantness,
21:08sir. Talking of which,
21:10Jeeves, you know, I've been thinking about adoption.
21:14Adoption, sir?
21:16Yes, I mean, adopting a kid. You can adopt
21:18them, you know, and it saves all this marriage
21:20malarkey. But what I want to know
21:22is how to start about it.
21:24The process, I imagine, is highly complicated
21:26and laborious, sir. It would cut
21:28into your spare time.
21:30It wouldn't cut into it half as much as marrying Miss Wickham.
21:32Oh, by the way, Jeeves, what did Miss Mapleton
21:34mean about seeing us tomorrow?
21:36In order to lend verisimilitude
21:38to my story, sir, I informed her
21:40that you were a renowned orator,
21:42sir, currently on a tour
21:44of the home counties.
21:46Good Lord, Jeeves.
21:48Upon learning this, Miss Mapleton
21:50was most anxious for you to address
21:52the girls of the school.
21:54I didn't like to disappoint her.
21:56What?
21:58I hope I did the right thing,
22:00sir.
22:06Girls, I have a treat in store for you
22:08this morning. One of our
22:10great public speakers has
22:12taken time from his busy schedule
22:14to address you with a few words
22:16of wisdom. Mr. Bertram
22:18Worcester.
22:22Many greetings to you,
22:24many greetings
22:26to you,
22:28many greetings, Mr.
22:30Bertram, many greetings
22:32to you.
22:36Ah, um,
22:38well, um,
22:48um, well,
22:50ladies.
22:52Girls?
22:56Um, good morning.
22:58Uh, that is to say, what ho.
23:00Uh, well,
23:04perhaps, uh, Mr. Worcester
23:06will give you a few words of advice
23:08which may be helpful to you
23:10in afterlife.
23:12Right, yes.
23:14Uh, well, um,
23:16uh, yes,
23:18now, here's something that's, uh,
23:20that's often done me a bit of good,
23:22and it's something that not many people know.
23:30Uh, yes, well, anyway,
23:32um, my uncle Henry gave me the tip
23:34when I first came to London.
23:36Never forget, my boy, he said,
23:38that if you stand outside Romano's
23:40in the Strand, you can see the clock
23:42on the wall of the law courts down in Fleet Street.
23:44Now, most people who don't know this
23:46wouldn't think it was possible,
23:48because there are a couple of hefty-looking churches
23:50in the middle of the road, and, uh, you'd think
23:52they'd get in the way, but they don't.
23:54You can, and, uh, it's, well, it's worth knowing.
23:56Uh, you can win a lot of money, he used to say,
23:58uh, by betting on it with fellows
24:00who haven't found it out.
24:02Uh, and, uh, by Jove, he was absolutely right.
24:04Um, it really is a thing to remember.
24:06Um, yes,
24:08many's the quid I've won.
24:10Uh, perhaps, Mr. Worcester,
24:12a little story might be in order.
24:14Some anecdote to illustrate
24:16the benefits of hard work,
24:18study, and healthy living.
24:20A story, right.
24:22Ooh, um,
24:24if I can remember stories.
24:26Uh, oh, yes, here's one I heard recently.
24:28Um, it seems
24:30that there was this chorus girl,
24:32and she met this stockbroker,
24:34and, uh, he said to her...
24:36If you, Mr. Worcester,
24:38wasn't that splendid, girls,
24:40we will now sing the school song.
24:44Waiting for you
24:46Waiting for you
24:48Let's go, Deeds.
24:50Waiting for you
24:52Your address was successful, I trust, sir?
24:54Oh, yes, yes, it went like a breeze.
24:56Uh, we'd better move on, Deeds.
24:58The tall, young man
25:00smiled crookedly,
25:02lifting his oil-grimed hands
25:04in helpless apology.
25:06Myrtle's eyes flashed.
25:08She tossed her blonde curls.
25:10She was not to know
25:12that this figure in stained overalls
25:14and with a worn cloth cap
25:16set at a jaunty angle
25:18atop a head of unruly curls
25:20was the 14th Earl Strathmonic
25:22of Strathmonic,
25:24Lord High Keeper of Dunoon Castle
25:26and Laird of Ten Thousand Fertile Acres
25:28in his native Dunfinshire.
25:30I do trust that your experience
25:32at St. Monica's
25:34has not spoiled your taste
25:36Well, I must confess
25:38it has given me pause, Jeeves.
25:40Am I wrong in thinking that all little girls
25:42are hard-bitten thugs of the worst description?
25:44Your definition is sadly near the truth, sir.
25:46But we must console ourselves
25:48with the thought that life
25:50without the blessings of children
25:52does have its compensations.
25:54No, Jeeves. No, no, no.
25:56I'm too young to give in to such cynicism.
25:58I'm an idealist, Jeeves.
26:00Very good, sir.
26:02My sister, Mrs. Scofield, is coming back from India soon.
26:04With the three little girls.
26:06I refuse to believe that my own kith and kin
26:08can be described as hard-bitten thugs.
26:10We Worcesters may have our faults
26:12but hard-bitten thuggery has never been one of them.
26:14Well, sir.
26:16I can give up the flat and take a house
26:18for them all to come and live with us.
26:20Indeed, sir.
26:22I can be a proper uncle to them.
26:34You observe the large-ish, corn-fed girl, Jeeves?
26:36Yes, sir.
26:38Typical Tuppy fodder.
26:40Even at this distance
26:42I can tell that his ears are distinctly pinkish.
26:44Hello, Bertie.
26:46Hello, Tuppy.
26:48This is Miss Stalglish.
26:50How do you do?
26:52Hello. Mummy and Daddy are in the sitting room, I think.
26:54Hello, Bertie.
26:56Hello, Tuppy.
26:58This is Miss Stalglish.
27:00How do you do?
27:02Hello. Mummy and Daddy are in the sitting room,
27:04I think, if you want some tea.
27:08What on earth's that?
27:10It's an Irish wolfhound. It's for you.
27:14That's no good to me.
27:16I asked for an Irish water spaniel.
27:18Well, they've run out.
27:20Oh, really, Bertie?
27:22Are you coming, Hildebrand?
27:24Yes, yes. I'm just coming, Daisy.
27:26Sinister, Jeeves.
27:28You noticed that the subject
27:30was looking like a stuffed frog?
27:32There is something rhenine
27:34in Mr Glossop's aspect, sir, yes.
27:36Particularly about the eyes.
27:38Precisely, Jeeves.
27:40I think our fears are justified.
27:42The thing seems serious.
27:44Have you heard from Angela at all, Tuppy?
27:46No, I have not.
27:48And I have no wish to hear from a little blighter.
27:50Angela's awfully fond of you, you know.
27:52Oh, is she?
27:54Well, she's got a dash funny way of showing it.
27:56Yes, well, they do have, Tuppy.
27:58They're not like us.
28:00In passing, old boy,
28:02what did you want with the water spaniel?
28:04I wanted to give it to Daisy.
28:06Look, Bertie,
28:08I might as well tell you.
28:10I'm in love at last.
28:12It's the real thing.
28:14Oh, how different she is, Bertie,
28:16from those hothouse, artificial London girls.
28:18I mean, would they stand all afternoon
28:20in the mud watching a rugger match?
28:22Would they know what to give an Alsatian for fits?
28:24I mean, would they tramp ten miles a day
28:26across the fields and come back as fresh as paint?
28:28No.
28:30Why should they?
28:32You wouldn't understand, Bertie.
28:34Anyway, she set her heart
28:36on an Irish water spaniel.
28:38Dash nuisance, you couldn't get one.
28:40Well, give her your rugger boots.
28:42Oh, by the way, what did you want them for?
28:44Look, I happen to be playing in a match tomorrow.
28:46Upper Bleaching versus Hockley-cum-Meston.
28:48Well, Daisy, you know,
28:50Hockley-cum-Meston.
28:52Daisy was rather keen that I help Upper Bleaching out.
28:54So you'll be playing for Hockley.
29:00Very funny.
29:02No, it's not like an ordinary rugger match.
29:04In fact, it's not really rugby at all.
29:06Apart from anything else,
29:08they play in the middle of summer,
29:10and the two villages absolutely loathe each other.
29:12And the rules are a bit more...
29:14well, relaxed.
29:16It started long before rugby was invented.
29:18The first game was played in Henry VIII's time, you know.
29:20Lasted from noon till sunset,
29:22and seven players were killed.
29:24Killed?
29:26And two spectators.
29:28Oh, but it's not like that anymore, Daddy.
29:30It's three years since anybody actually died, isn't it?
29:32Yes, I know.
29:34Still, damn good fun, though.
29:36Hildebrand's going to be the hero of the village.
29:44Eileen tossed her dark curls
29:46scornfully.
29:48Perhaps she did only work in a cigarette shop.
29:50Perhaps her dress was thin,
29:52cheap cotton,
29:54and patched and worn, too.
29:56Nevertheless, she had her pride.
29:58The name Ormerod was an old one.
30:00Since time immemorial,
30:02there had been Ormerods in Blackchester.
30:04What did she care for the
30:06Fezzacoles with their fancy ways?
30:16Ah.
30:18The citizenry of Upper Bleaching
30:20seem to look forward to this match each year, Jeeves,
30:22as a chance to settle old scores
30:24with a neighbouring village.
30:26A common enough circumstance in the sporting world, Sam.
30:28Yes, so we must act swiftly in order to save Tubby.
30:30He refuses to do the sensible thing
30:32and slide out, because the girl
30:34will be watching the game, and he says it'll make him feel
30:36like a knight of old, jousting under the eyes of his lady.
30:38It does sound like
30:40an acute case, Sam.
30:42Yes, so we must employ Guile.
30:44We'll go to London first thing in the morning, Jeeves,
30:46and send a telegram, signed Angela,
30:48which will read as follows.
30:52What would a girl say, Jeeves,
30:54who, having had a row with the bird she was engaged to
30:56because he said that she looked like a raccoon
30:58in her new hat, wanted to extend the olive branch?
31:00If I might suggest, sir,
31:02I fancy the following,
31:04as from Miss Angela's mother might meet the case.
31:06Return immediately,
31:08Angela seriously ill
31:10and delirious,
31:12saying your name piteously
31:14and saying something about you being right about the hat.
31:16Catch the earliest
31:18possible train, Delia Travers.
31:20Yes,
31:22well done, Jeeves, yes.
31:24Just one more spot of devilish cunning.
31:26Send it off in time for it to arrive at 2.30.
31:28By then, Tubby will have started
31:30for the ground. I'll take it down and hand it to him
31:32during some lull in the battle.
31:34By that time, he'll have discovered what sort of rugger match he's in for.
31:42Come on!
31:54Good luck, Hildebrand!
31:56I'm doing it for you, Daisy!
31:58Come on, Daisy!
32:12Well played, Hildebrand!
32:14Well played!
32:28Well played!
32:38You got anyone called Glossop?
32:40Got an urgent telegram.
32:50Oh, afternoon, sir. Telegram for Glossop.
32:52Yes, thank you. I'll take it.
32:58Thank you.
33:18Where do you think you're going, shorty?
33:28He's a damn fool!
33:52How's it going?
33:54Quiet match so far.
33:58Tubby!
34:04Tubby, old man!
34:06A telegram for you.
34:08Seriously, I've got time for telegrams now?
34:10Oh, but this one may be fearfully urgent.
34:12Here it is.
34:14Oh, gosh, I left it at the house.
34:16Well, it doesn't matter.
34:18No, but it does.
34:20It probably does. It's probably something you ought to read at once.
34:22If I were you, I'd just say a few quick words of farewell
34:24to the murder squad and come back to the house right away.
34:26You think I'm going to slink away under her very eyes?
34:28Good God!
34:30Besides, I'm not leaving the field
34:32until I've thoroughly disemboweled
34:34that blonde-haired bounder.
34:36Do you notice the way he keeps on tackling me
34:38when I haven't got the ball?
34:40Is that right?
34:44Of course it's not right!
34:46Well, I'll tell you one thing.
34:48A bitter retribution awaits that bird, Bertie.
34:50From now on,
34:52I'm going to assert my personality.
34:56No, Tubby, I really think you ought to come and read the telegram.
35:14Come on, Hilbert!
35:26Well done!
35:38It's a try...
35:40It's a try...
35:42Scored!
35:44A jolly well scored!
35:46Yeah!
35:52First time anyone scored
35:54since 1883!
36:02Bertie!
36:04Hello, Bingo. What are you doing here?
36:06Can't stop.
36:10Bertie, you've got to come back to London with me.
36:12Why?
36:14You've got to have lunch with my uncle tomorrow.
36:16Why should I have lunch with your uncle?
36:20Because he wants you to.
36:22Me? He doesn't know I exist.
36:24Oh, yes, he does. I've told him about you.
36:26What have you told him?
36:28Oh, various things.
36:30Where's Daisy?
36:32She's not here, old chap.
36:34Had to go to London.
36:36I'll tell her you were asking.
36:38Well played, by the by.
36:40What did she go to London for?
36:42What's this message?
36:46Jeeves! You're back!
36:48Yes, sir. I arrived shortly after the second half.
36:50Well in time to see Mr. Glossop score his try.
36:52Try?
36:54Oh, my gosh, Jeeves!
36:56That means we've failed!
36:58Mr. Algleese will be all over him, calling him a hero!
37:00I doubt that, sir.
37:02Really, Jeeves?
37:04I say, Jeeves, that wheeze of yours of reading to my uncle was an absolute corker!
37:06Thank you, sir.
37:08Excuse me.
37:10Tuffy, what happened?
37:12I've broken my leg, that's what's happened.
37:14And she wasn't even there!
37:16Hello, Tuffy. Haven't seen you for ages.
37:18I've met this most wonderful girl, Tuffy.
37:20Mabel her name is. I mean, you wouldn't believe how beautiful she is.
37:26I've swept myself to the boat first.
37:28I allow a mob of homicidal lunatics
37:30to kick me in the ribs
37:32and stroll about all over my face.
37:34And what do I find?
37:36She hasn't even bothered to say to the end of the game!
37:38Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
37:40She gets a message from someone in London
37:42who tells her he's got an Irish water spaniel for sale.
37:44So, of course, up she pops in her car,
37:46leaving me flat!
37:48Mabel's brother plays for Woolwich Arsenal, as a matter of fact.
37:52Oh, hey, Jeeves.
37:54Might I inquire, sir?
37:56Are we proposing to return to the Metropolis tomorrow?
37:58Ah, yes, I think so.
38:00Any particular reason?
38:02I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon
38:04that I'm anxious not to miss, sir.
38:06It was you, wasn't it, Jeeves?
38:08Sir?
38:10Who told Miss, uh, what's-her-belly-name
38:12about the alleged water spaniel.
38:14Yes, sir.
38:16Yes, I thought I detected the touch.
38:18You knew she'd go buzzing up to London and miss the game.
38:20Yes, sir.
38:22Yes, and you knew how tough he would react.
38:24If there's one thing that gives a jousting knight the pip,
38:26it's having his audience walk out on him.
38:28Very true, sir.
38:30Mmm.
38:36Look!
38:38There she is, see?
38:40Now she's got her blasted Irish water spaniel.
38:42She can't even be bothered to say goodbye to me.
38:44Open the door.
38:50Do you know she had the almighty gall
38:52to come and visit me in hospital last night?
38:54Did I ever tell you about the time
38:56Mabel and I went to the races at Sandown?
38:58All she could talk about was that blasted animal.
39:00Ugly beast, if you ask my opinion.
39:02Mabel would never do that.
39:04Mabel and I have a code.
39:06To think I fancied I loved a girl like that.
39:08A perfect life partner she'd make, I don't think.
39:10If you married a girl like that,
39:12she'd be bringing you home to the Siberian eel house
39:14before you knew it.
39:18Oh, tubby, I forgot to give you your telegram.
39:20Oh, what a wonderful girl she is.
39:22Who's that, tubby?
39:24Well, Angela, of course.
39:26Oh, really?
39:28Oh, she understands me, Bertie.
39:30Understands me like no other girl in the world.
39:38What I can't understand, Bingo,
39:40is why your uncle should ask if Pillow to lunch
39:42when he's never seen her.
39:44Well, to tell you the truth,
39:46I don't know.
39:48I haven't seen her.
39:50Well, to tell you the truth, Bertie,
39:52I want you to spring the news on him
39:54about my marrying Mabel.
39:56I'm having a nerve myself.
39:58What hang if I do?
40:00Good morning, Mr. Little.
40:02His lordship is expecting you.
40:04No, now, if you think that...
40:06Mr. Worcester, I am proud,
40:08I am gratified, I am honoured.
40:10Oh, ah.
40:12So young to have accomplished so much.
40:14Well, you know,
40:16we need to talk properly over lunch.
40:18Miss Watson has prepared a very special repast.
40:20Oh, Richard, little Margaret will be having lunch with us.
40:22I hope you don't mind.
40:24I'll just go and fetch her.
40:28What's he talking about?
40:30Oh, Margaret's my little cousin. She's all right.
40:32No, no, I mean about me having accomplished something or other.
40:34I haven't accomplished anything.
40:36Have I?
40:38The fact is, Bertie, I know you won't mind,
40:40I told him you were the author of those books
40:42I've been reading to him.
40:44What?
40:46I said Rosie M. Banks was your pen name.
40:48He'll listen to you now, absolutely hang on your words.
40:50But...
40:52Pitch it strong, Bertie, and keep steadily before you
40:54the fact that my allowance must be raised.
40:58What amazes me, Mr. Worcester,
41:00is that a man so young as you
41:02should be able to plumb human nature so surely to its depths,
41:04to play with so unerring a hand
41:06upon the quivering heartstrings
41:08of your reader.
41:10Oh, just a knack.
41:12How many words
41:14are there in a novel, Mr. Worcester?
41:16Words?
41:18Oh, well, I never count.
41:20Just let it all come, that's what I say.
41:22Well, how many are there
41:24on a page?
41:26On a page?
41:28Well, 20 or 30.
41:30I mean, depends on the page.
41:32Um...
41:34200.
41:36About 1,000, more or less.
41:38I mean, on a single page, I mean.
41:40Yes, um...
41:42About 10,000.
41:44I mean, that would be one of the bigger pages.
41:46Um, you've got a book handy.
41:48It's not important, Mr. Worcester.
41:50What is important, Margaret,
41:52is Mr. Worcester's splendid defiance
41:54of the outborn fetishes of a purblind social system.
41:56In the magnificent words
41:58of Lord Batchmore in
42:00Only a Factory Girl.
42:02Be her origins ne'er so humble.
42:04A good woman is equal
42:06to the finest lady on earth.
42:10Ah, so you think it's all right for a chap in what you might call
42:12a certain social position
42:14to marry a girl of what you might call
42:16the lower classes?
42:18Oh, assuredly, Mr. Worcester.
42:20Bingo wants to marry a waitress.
42:22Richard?
42:24I honour you.
42:26You don't object?
42:28On the contrary.
42:30Well, I don't think I'm butting in here,
42:32but his allowance and all that, he was rather hoping
42:34that you might see your way clear of jerking up the total a bit.
42:36Oh, I fear that can hardly be managed.
42:38It would not be fair to my wife.
42:40But you're not married, Uncle.
42:42Not yet, but I intend to enter that holy state
42:44almost immediately.
42:46Under the influence of Mr. Worcester's splendid books,
42:48I have persuaded Miss Watson,
42:50the lady who for so many years has cooked so wonderfully for me,
42:52to accept my hand in marriage.
42:54A nice crusty steak, too.
42:56Thank you.
42:58Thank you very much.
43:00Thank you very much.
43:02Thanks.
43:06A nice crusty steak, too.
43:10Thank you very much.
43:12Thank you very much.
43:14Thank you very much.
43:16Oh, my God, thank you.
43:20Thank you very much.
43:22I'll wash your hands.
43:24Thank you very much.
43:26Thank you very much.
43:32You know what, Jeeves?
43:39No, sir.
43:41This is jolly nice.
43:42I mean, looking at the clock and wondering if you're going to be late with the good old
43:46drinks and then you coming in with a tray always exactly on time and shoving it down
43:50on the table and then biffing off and then the next night coming in, shoving it down,
43:55biffing off and then the next night, you know, it gives one a sort of safe, restful feeling,
43:59soothing.
44:00That's the word.
44:02Soothing, isn't it, Sam?
44:03Hmm.
44:04Nevertheless, Jeeves, I must ask you to brace up and bite the bullet.
44:08I'm afraid I have bad news for you, Jeeves.
44:10That scheme of yours about reading those books to Bingo's uncle, well, I'm afraid it's blown
44:15out of fuse.
44:16They did not soften him, sir?
44:18They did, Jeeves.
44:19That's the whole ballet problem.
44:20I'm sorry to say that your fiancée, Miss Watson, you know, the cook, well, the long
44:24and the short of it is, Jeeves, that she appears to have chosen riches instead of honest worth,
44:28if you know what I mean.
44:29So?
44:31Well, she has handed you the mitten and gone off and got engaged to Lord Bittlesham.
44:35Indeed, sir.
44:38Well, you don't seem very upset, Jeeves.
44:40To tell the truth, sir, I was not wholly averse to the severance of my relations with Miss
44:44Watson.
44:45I respect Miss Watson exceedingly, but I've seen for some time that she and I were not
44:49suited.
44:50Now, the other young person with whom I have an understanding...
44:54Good Lord, Jeeves, there isn't another.
44:57Yes, sir.
44:59By an odd coincidence, sir, it is the same young person in whom Mr. Little has been so
45:04interested.
45:05What, Mabel?
45:06Yes.
45:07Sam?
45:08Good Lord, Jeeves.
45:12Well, poor old bingo.
45:16Shall I contact the estate agents tomorrow, sir?
45:20Estate agents, Jeeves?
45:21I understood that it was your intention to take a house of sufficient size for Mrs. Schofield
45:27and her three young ladies to live with you.
45:28Oh, no, no.
45:29Oh, no, no.
45:30That's all off, Jeeves.
45:31Young ladies?
45:32Fiends, Jeeves.
45:33Fiends.
45:34Every one of them.
45:35No, how they ever grow up into those adorable creatures that we know and love, I cannot
45:38fathom.
45:39No, I shall continue the monk-like existence which has characterized my life hitherto.
45:44Very good, sir.
45:45Oh, perhaps another small whiskey and soda might be called for.
45:49Very good, sir.