George Wallace brings his distinct style of humor to this jam-packed casino comedy concert. Wallace's hilarious insights will keep you laughing from the beginning to end, proving once again the he's Large and In Charge.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
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FunTranscript
00:00:01Ladies and gentlemen, the funniest man in America, George Wallace!
00:00:06George Wallace
00:00:07You're gonna move very quickly, fool.
00:00:09As they used to tell us in school, get your thinking caps on.
00:00:12George
00:00:13George
00:00:14George
00:00:15George
00:00:16George
00:00:17George
00:00:18George
00:00:19George
00:00:33Ha ha ha, little bit of music, I did a little music, did you see me do that little dance?
00:00:38Did you see that, I did a little magic, did you see me do the magic?
00:00:41Yeah, I stopped that music, that was magic, you didn't know I did magic did you?
00:00:46See I stopped the music and I can
00:00:58Got a big old man checking me out over here, too. Well, let's give him a little bit to come on
00:01:12Come on put your hands together. Let's have a good time. Yeah
00:01:16Come on
00:01:26Yeah, let it play for 15 minutes
00:01:29Let it play for 15 minutes. I have no jokes
00:01:33The jokes on you
00:01:36Already got your money
00:01:40Tell me that ain't funny
00:01:42If you got to go pee, go pee now
00:01:47You got 14 minutes
00:01:53Y'all think I'm kidding don't you?
00:01:5613 and a half minutes you better go
00:02:00That's good. How you doing tonight? How y'all doing tonight?
00:02:05Make some noise, make some noise
00:02:08I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be at this casino. Are you winning money?
00:02:13No
00:02:14You're not winning money?
00:02:16No
00:02:17You're not winning money?
00:02:18No
00:02:19I am so surprised
00:02:23Every time I see them put up a new hotel, I'm going oh
00:02:26People are not winning money
00:02:29Let me give you some advice
00:02:31Do what I do
00:02:33When I come to these casinos
00:02:34I get off the airplane
00:02:35I go straight to the casino cashier
00:02:38I give them all my money
00:02:41Ain't no need me wasting my time gambling
00:02:45Only way you're going to double your money here is to mug someone at the airport
00:02:48Get your ass on that airplane and go on back home
00:02:50Don't
00:02:54I'm just happy to be here
00:02:56I know I'm going to have a good time
00:02:57Anytime I come to the city, I know I'm going to have a good time
00:03:00Just flying into the airport, you can start laughing
00:03:04When I flew in here and saw that sign that said the International Airport
00:03:09I started laughing
00:03:11The International Airport
00:03:14Let me tell y'all something
00:03:15The only thing international around here is the International House of Pancakes in Britain
00:03:20You can just have some fun when you come to this city
00:03:25And all you people that live around here
00:03:27It's okay to take your Christmas lights down
00:03:37Take them down, okay?
00:03:39It's just you people are crazy, what's wrong with you people?
00:03:43And you drive like you're crazy, what is wrong?
00:03:45Let me ask you people a question
00:03:47When you go to an intersection in this city
00:03:48The light changed to yellow
00:03:51What's the legal limit here?
00:03:52Eight, nine, ten cars from going through
00:03:57Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom
00:03:59You people are crazy
00:04:01Let's just drive around the city
00:04:03So many things are happening in the city
00:04:05You can have fun just driving
00:04:06Listen, I'm driving around through the city today
00:04:07I saw a health store, what do you call it?
00:04:10A gym
00:04:1124-hour fitness center
00:04:1324-hour fitness center
00:04:15Opened 6 a.m. to midnight
00:04:20What the hell is wrong with you people?
00:04:24Kinko's open 24 hours a day
00:04:26Who the hell needs a copy of anything at 3 o'clock in the morning?
00:04:29I saw another clothing store
00:04:32They sell blue jeans
00:04:33And the sign outside said
00:04:35If we don't fit your size
00:04:36We'll give you a free pair
00:04:38Give me a free pair of what?
00:04:44I'm walking around in a pair of kulaks, you know what I'm saying?
00:04:48You people are crazy in this city
00:04:51I saw Baskin Robbins ice cream
00:04:54Baskin Robbins ice cream
00:04:56As old as you are, as old as I am, all our life
00:05:00How many flavors?
00:05:02No progress whatsoever
00:05:05Come on Baskin Robbins, be creative
00:05:07Look at Ben & Jerry's
00:05:09They got Chucky Monkey
00:05:11Terry Garcia
00:05:13But you can have some fun in this city
00:05:15Yes you can
00:05:16And the airport out there
00:05:17I don't know who put that airport so far to town
00:05:18Why was my cab fare higher than my airfare?
00:05:28To get down here
00:05:30I think all airports would be like the old airport in Hong Kong
00:05:33They had an airport in Hong Kong where the airport was right downtown
00:05:3770 stories skyscrapers on both sides of the runway
00:05:41People go yeah?
00:05:42Yes!
00:05:43It doesn't matter where the runway is
00:05:44Either you hit it or you don't
00:05:45So I think all airport should be right downtown on Main Street
00:05:50The light change the red, the cars stop, airplane land
00:05:54Go around the corner and let you off at your house
00:05:58So I get in my car, I'm still laughing, driving in this city
00:06:03Just driving I saw a sign, orange and black sign
00:06:06Men at work
00:06:09You've seen that sign?
00:06:11Have you ever seen men actually working?
00:06:14Let's keep driving
00:06:15Here's another sign that says fork and roll
00:06:18Fork and roll
00:06:19Let's say I'm in a country where they don't use forks
00:06:24Let's say I'm in China
00:06:26Does the sign say chopsticks and roll?
00:06:32You can see some stupid signs driving around here
00:06:36Road slippery when wet
00:06:38Most things are
00:06:40Let's keep driving, let's go over to Arkansas
00:06:45Here's a sign that says hidden driveway
00:06:47Hidden driveway
00:06:48Now why waste your money and time putting up that sign?
00:06:52Somebody's going through all this trouble of hiding this driveway
00:06:56You're going to put up a sign
00:06:59I know it's around here somewhere
00:07:04Cause I saw that sign
00:07:07I know it, let me turn the radio down
00:07:10I can think better
00:07:13Stupid signs you see
00:07:15Saw another sign that said quiet hospital zone
00:07:18Nothing making noise but the ambulance
00:07:20Y'all know I'm not making this stuff up
00:07:29Y'all can do some stupid stuff around here
00:07:32Then I'm driving today, I had to move recently
00:07:34Anybody ever move?
00:07:36Moving has got to be the worst thing you could ever do in life
00:07:38First of all, when you move you find shit that don't even belong to you
00:07:42But what do you do?
00:07:44Pack it up?
00:07:46Move it on to the next door
00:07:48So I had to move
00:07:50And I had to go buy some boxes
00:07:53I went down to the depot
00:07:55What did that place call? Office Depot
00:07:57To buy some boxes
00:07:59And I did not know boxes cost so much money
00:08:01$6.75, $9
00:08:03And I'm going, how many boxes?
00:08:04Ooh, that's a lot of money
00:08:05So I told her, I asked the guy
00:08:08How much does the box cost that the boxes came in?
00:08:12He says, you can have that one
00:08:20I said, well, come on, let's restock these shelves
00:08:23So I happen to move, all of my belongings are in boxes
00:08:30And so I'm down here driving in this beautiful place
00:08:33And I see this store called Sam's Club
00:08:36Now I've never been in there, it must be pretty nice
00:08:37A lot of cars outside
00:08:39Let me run in here and get me a bottle of deodorant
00:08:41Oh, you already know?
00:08:47Does anybody else in here need deodorant?
00:08:54I didn't know everything came in bulk
00:08:57Giant, super-sized, and Shea Stadium
00:09:00Just huge!
00:09:02Everything is huge
00:09:03Let's say you like peanut butter
00:09:05Let's say you like
00:09:06Let's say you really, really, really love peanut butter
00:09:09You like peanut butter so much
00:09:11You like to stick your whole head in the jar
00:09:14They have these at Sam's Club
00:09:17Everything is huge
00:09:18I bought a bag of marshmallow
00:09:20I use it as a mattress when my friends come over
00:09:23Everything is giant
00:09:25I bought a box of preparation
00:09:26They just put it on my back porch
00:09:27And it sucked all of the water out of my swimming pool
00:09:32So now you're moving
00:09:35I got a house, I don't know about these things
00:09:36I got to run down and get a new mattress
00:09:38Went to get a new mattress
00:09:39Went to get a new mattress
00:09:40Got down, I heard it on television
00:09:41$99 for the mattress
00:09:42I didn't know
00:09:43Went down there, let me see the mattress on TV
00:09:44$99
00:09:45The man says, uh
00:09:47You plan on sleeping over two hours?
00:09:50He said, just show me the mattress you saw on TV
00:09:52He says, there it is right over there
00:09:53Go ahead and try it out
00:09:55I jumped on that thing
00:09:57That thing folded up
00:09:59I look like a giant burnt hot dog
00:10:02You're talking about a pig in a blanket today
00:10:06It's crazy when you move
00:10:07You got to do all kinds of things
00:10:11Then I had to buy some carpet
00:10:13Went to the carpet warehouse
00:10:14Y'all been down there?
00:10:15Go to the carpet warehouse
00:10:16I'm looking at all these different grades and shades of carpet
00:10:19And the burr-burr, the shag and everything
00:10:22And I'm walking in different colors
00:10:24And I'm looking and
00:10:30I look behind me
00:10:32There's a security guard following me
00:10:34In a carpet store
00:10:50Where am I gonna put my roll of carpet?
00:10:55I can't put it in my pants
00:10:56My pants are already full, you know what I'm saying?
00:10:58You know what I'm saying?
00:11:03Man, so many things are going on down here
00:11:06That's some more things I gotta talk to you people
00:11:08You people are really crazy in this city
00:11:11Yesterday the weather
00:11:13What's wrong with you people?
00:11:17Closed all your schools
00:11:21Because it might snow
00:11:26It might snow
00:11:29What is wrong with you people?
00:11:31It might snow
00:11:33The other day I was sick as a dog
00:11:34I thought I was gonna die
00:11:35But I didn't run down to the funeral home
00:11:41It might snow
00:11:43When you see two feet of snow
00:11:46And the kids in school
00:11:48Keep them there
00:11:50We don't want those bad ass kids to come home anyway
00:11:53Keep them overnight
00:11:54Then you won't have to close the schools
00:11:56The next day
00:11:57The next day
00:12:01Schools
00:12:03Any teachers in here?
00:12:05Make some noise teachers
00:12:07I love you teachers
00:12:09If I was in charge of this country
00:12:10That's the first thing I would do
00:12:11Is give y'all a raise
00:12:12You deserve better
00:12:17Putting up with these kids
00:12:19You need to make more money
00:12:21And I'm serious about that
00:12:23Even though
00:12:27Even though
00:12:29I don't know what y'all teaching these new kids
00:12:33These new kids
00:12:36These new kids
00:12:38These new kids today are just completely different than we were
00:12:41These new kids
00:12:42What are you teaching these?
00:12:43Case in point
00:12:45I went to McDonald's the other day
00:12:47My total was $2.78
00:12:49I gave the kid $3.03
00:12:52And all hell broke loose
00:12:55Sir, what's the three pennies for?
00:13:12The 19 year old manager come over
00:13:14Sir, why'd you give me three pennies?
00:13:16You got a scheme going on here?
00:13:19They pressed a silent alarm
00:13:20Police came and locked my ass up
00:13:23All I wanted was a quarterback
00:13:27It happened to me in Atlanta the other day
00:13:28At the airport
00:13:29The Popeye's fried chicken
00:13:30My total was $5
00:13:31It was $4.11
00:13:33I gave the kid
00:13:34They gave the girl $5
00:13:37I said, wait a minute
00:13:38I got the 11 cents
00:13:42I already rung it up
00:13:45What different does it matter?
00:13:48Just give me a dollar back
00:13:52Keys?
00:13:59Let me talk about these new kids for a few minutes
00:14:02These new kids today
00:14:03They take life for granted
00:14:05They're not like we were
00:14:06Most of us in here are baby boomers
00:14:08These new kids today
00:14:09They take simple things in life for granted
00:14:10Like a microwave
00:14:14We didn't have a microwave when we grew up
00:14:16No, we wanted some jiffy popcorn
00:14:19We had to stand on the stove and shake that shit
00:14:33Shake it till it's all burnt up
00:14:35Simple things in life they take for granted
00:14:37The VCR
00:14:39When we were kids
00:14:40If we missed the program
00:14:41We had to wait till the summer
00:14:42When there was a rerun
00:14:44An ATM
00:14:46You know, y'all remember
00:14:47We were kids
00:14:48The bank used to close early on Friday
00:14:50Three o'clock
00:14:51We didn't make it to the bank
00:14:52We'd be broke
00:14:54We didn't have an ATM
00:14:55We had to go to the M-O-M
00:14:56We had to go to the M-O-M
00:15:00And the M-O-M would send you to the D-A-D
00:15:05And that's when you knew you were S-O-M
00:15:11These new kids, they have everything we never thought about having
00:15:13They got their own room
00:15:15You see it all the time on television
00:15:16You get mad at the parents
00:15:18Slam the door, go in their own room
00:15:20We had our own room
00:15:21You know, we could have gone to the Slam the door
00:15:23But it had been five or six other kids in there
00:15:27They got things we never thought about happening
00:15:29A pager
00:15:30Every kid today has a pager
00:15:31Do we have pagers?
00:15:33No, your mama walking on the front porch
00:15:35Hey!
00:15:37Get your ass in this house
00:15:41It didn't matter who kids you were
00:15:42You come right
00:15:44These new kids today
00:15:46It's amazing some of the things they have
00:15:48Even the clapper
00:15:49Well, we had the clapper
00:15:50My dad had a clapper
00:15:52My dad had a clapper 30 years ago
00:15:54Me!
00:15:57Turn television on, boy
00:16:02Cut these lights out around here
00:16:03What's wrong with y'all?
00:16:07These new kids today
00:16:08It's amazing some of the things that they do
00:16:10You know, they can
00:16:11It's just
00:16:12I look at some of these new kids
00:16:14They stay out late
00:16:15You ever see these kids
00:16:162 or 3 o'clock in the morning?
00:16:17We're driving home
00:16:18We're driving home
00:16:19You know they're trying to get in some trouble
00:16:20Because as old as we are
00:16:21We're trying to get in a little trouble ourselves
00:16:23As my grandmother used to tell us all the time
00:16:25Ain't nothing open after midnight
00:16:27But the hospital and legs
00:16:29Ain't nothing open after midnight
00:16:41Ain't nothing open after midnight
00:16:42But the hospital and legs
00:16:45I used to come home real late
00:16:46Boy, where you been?
00:16:47Where you been?
00:16:48I ain't been to the hospital
00:16:59These kids today
00:17:00I'm telling these new kids
00:17:01You know they got their own clothing
00:17:02You know the hip-hop clothing
00:17:03You see these new kids walking around
00:17:04With these jeans hanging down to the ground
00:17:07Like they got a terminal case of diarrhea
00:17:09My nephew said something to me the other day
00:17:12I wanted to kick his ass
00:17:14But I didn't know who it was
00:17:21Got their own hip-hop language
00:17:22You know these kids
00:17:24They got their little language
00:17:25You know what I'm saying?
00:17:27You know what I'm saying?
00:17:34You know what I'm saying?
00:17:37It's all good
00:17:38It's all good
00:17:40They're trying to cut a little cheddar
00:17:41Trying to cut a little cheddar
00:17:42I know what I'm saying?
00:17:43Waking on the bling bling
00:17:44Got the bling bling
00:17:46You know what I'm saying?
00:17:47Holler!
00:17:49You know what I'm saying?
00:17:52I have no idea what the hell you're saying
00:17:54saying and it's not all good up in here up in here now about to make me lose my mind
00:18:02up in here these young kids today most amazing thing they can do they can talk back to the
00:18:11parents now y'all know that's something we could not do we could not talk back my mama used to
00:18:17drive us down to the cemetery she would drive us to the cemetery she said junior this is your
00:18:23plot right here you can use it now or you can use it later but you're not going to be talking back to
00:18:35me up in here they got a thing called time out you can't speak teachers teach them that at school
00:18:46time out we had that too because my mama would whoop your ass she'd take time out
00:18:54come back and get some more i'm not through with you yet no we can't spank the kids anymore
00:19:03teachers teach them 1-800 child abuse hey we had that too my mama used to tell us all the time
00:19:12you go ahead and you dial 1-800 child abuse there's the phone right over there call it
00:19:181-800 child abuse when they get here they'll find you in this position
00:19:22you dial 1-800 child abuse i'll be out of jail long before your ass get out of the hospital
00:19:45these new kids today oh my i'm just having so much fun i was up in my room a few minutes ago
00:19:57watching television and president clinton was on boy that's my that's my that's my boy
00:20:04i love president clinton i used to be rich when he was in office
00:20:11and by the way the dow jones was down yesterday and you know what that means to people like me and
00:20:22you not a damn thing i don't even know who dow jones is i know he's very moody
00:20:32but president president clinton was my dog let me tell y'all something he invited me to the white
00:20:42house and that's something y'all didn't do but i wish you could he was so nice and so charismatic
00:20:50they tell me if you don't even like him after 30 minutes you'll love this guy he was so fantastic
00:20:55stay with us you think a president would stay with you 10 15 minutes at the most two and a half hours
00:20:59he was just wonderful just wonderful we had a wonderful time and i'm at the white house i'm
00:21:04not gonna lie to y'all i stole some stuff i ain't gonna tell no lie i ain't going in the white house
00:21:12and not steal me some souvenirs you would have done the same thing wouldn't you you know the sweet
00:21:17low and the equal with the presidential seal i took that you know the napkins and all of that
00:21:22stuff you know and i'm stirring my coffee with a sterling silver spoon got to go
00:21:27so i'm walking okay had a wonderful time i'm getting ready to leave and i get to the gate and
00:21:36oh my god gotta go back through that metal detector
00:21:38and so i said well i might as well go through with this went through nothing happened then i was
00:21:47really pissed because i could have taken more civil way
00:21:50president clinton was so oh boy i could tell you some of the things and i told him some things i told
00:21:58him how disappointed i was in him i did tell him that i told him what happened and when he came out
00:22:02told the truth i was very disappointed in that i told him i said you always stick to your life
00:22:07you stick to your life because they could have caught me on videotape
00:22:13i still would have said that is not me that is not run the tape
00:22:19back it up we're running again
00:22:27ladies and gentlemen if i didn't know that was not me i would say that's me
00:22:35but that is not me i did and i told him as far as asking monica lewinski to lie i would have told
00:22:44you should have told her to keep your mouth shut not right now but you know
00:22:48and george bush choked on that pretzel bless his heart he made it through
00:23:02you know and well he's pretty much like his daddy though i remember his daddy had the country so
00:23:09screwed up we had people sneaking back into mexico
00:23:11but that's why i wished i wasn't in charge of this country i'd make a lot of changes if i
00:23:20wasn't in charge of this country this would be a much better country government wasting our money
00:23:24doing stupid stuff another day they had a three million dollar agricultural study where three
00:23:29million dollars on how big the hole should be in swiss cheese
00:23:33how big the holes should be in swiss cheese and i'm wondering why do we have holes
00:23:45in swiss cheese why am i paying for holes in swiss cheese fill my hole up with
00:23:59government wasting our money that was the first ripoff of the american public
00:24:06then the donut people heard about it
00:24:08and the lifesaver people said well we might as well join in on this
00:24:13but the government is always wasting our money i was in milwaukee last week i told them how much
00:24:20they waste our money a few years back when they had that kid jeffrey dummer had him in the court
00:24:24trying to find out whether he was crazy or not that would have been the first law i passed that's
00:24:28the first law i'm gonna pass anytime you eat three or more people
00:24:32you're crazy
00:24:37government wasting our money there's better ways to spend our money put more toilets on the freeway
00:24:51you've been on the freeway next rest area 30 miles i got to pee now
00:24:56there are better ways to spend our money do some research
00:25:00find out why my brain freezes up when i suck on a slurpee too fast
00:25:04government wasting our money even with the taliban
00:25:19that made me sick bringing the taliban to cuba
00:25:23these people used to living in the cave and in deserts now we bring them here and put them in
00:25:28brand new cubicles they're living better than the people in cuba
00:25:32i wish that was there's better ways to punish the taliban
00:25:36i'll take them to chicago and put them on the jeffrey springer show
00:25:39let those people beat the hell out of them
00:25:44there's better ways to punish the taliban
00:25:46take them to south carolina put them in a station wagon
00:25:49let susan smith drive them down by the lake
00:25:51there are better ways to punish the taliban
00:25:57they have to pray 20 times a day when they bow and come back up
00:26:00have four or five jehovah witnesses standing there
00:26:03put a watchtower in a wake
00:26:07can i talk to you
00:26:10i can do some stupid things
00:26:14that's why i should be in charge of this country
00:26:17if i'm in charge of this country we wouldn't have any foreign aid for two years
00:26:20we'll keep all our money right here in america
00:26:22just think what america would be like
00:26:24and we kept our money at home for just two years
00:26:27no unemployment no homelessness
00:26:29i don't care if you waste the money we're gonna waste it in america
00:26:32now don't get me wrong i know countries like bosnia
00:26:35bosnia bosnia
00:26:37matter of fact we can't pronounce your name
00:26:38you ain't getting deadly squad up in here
00:26:42you got a problem with fair trade
00:26:48with japan
00:26:51what is this unbalanced situation
00:26:54when i'm in charge of the country everything's gonna be fair
00:26:57every time japan sends us a toyota
00:27:00we send them a buick
00:27:02that's fair
00:27:05they send us a nice sony stereo system
00:27:08we send them some crap from radio shack
00:27:11that's fair
00:27:15our government conducive
00:27:17they had another survey
00:27:1715 million dollars a wildlife survey
00:27:19said there's only 29 white rhinoceros left in the world
00:27:22only 29 white rhinoceros
00:27:25what the hell do i care
00:27:27about how many rhinoceros left in this world
00:27:32now on the other hand
00:27:35had they come back and told me there was only 15 chickens left
00:27:40now we got a problem
00:27:53what can i do
00:27:55to chip in on this research
00:27:58a lot of y'all laugh
00:28:01somebody came in and told me there's only 15 chickens left
00:28:05i got to go
00:28:05a lot of you be right behind me
00:28:08i ain't telling you no lie
00:28:10i love me some chicken
00:28:11chicken is good
00:28:12i don't care how you cook it
00:28:13shake it
00:28:14bake it
00:28:14broil it
00:28:15chicken all our king
00:28:16hell you can call it chicken done king
00:28:17i don't care
00:28:17i eat it
00:28:18i love me some chicken chicken is good
00:28:21and if you cook chicken right
00:28:22another chicken will eat chicken
00:28:23that's how good chicken is
00:28:29they say carrots are good for y'all sight
00:28:32chicken is good for y'all sight too
00:28:33because if you love chicken
00:28:35you can see a kfc sign a mile away
00:28:37chicken is good
00:28:46and if there's such thing as reincarnation
00:28:49that's the last thing i want to come back as
00:28:52there's a chicken
00:28:54chicken has a bad life
00:28:56chicken has a short life
00:28:58when last time you seen a chicken having a one year anniversary party
00:29:02chicken has a bad life
00:29:08a chicken is the only animal on this planet
00:29:12that never dies of natural causes
00:29:14chicken has a bad
00:29:22you never even see a dead chicken laying on side the road do you
00:29:26never see a dead chicken
00:29:30dead dogs dead skunks everything
00:29:32but never
00:29:33a dead chicken
00:29:35a lot of things you never see
00:29:38you never see boy scout cookies
00:29:42why don't we have boy scout cookies
00:29:43i guess they just don't trust us with the money huh
00:29:47you never see
00:29:50the last baptist church
00:29:53always the first baptist church
00:30:07and every now and then you see the second
00:30:09one day i'm driving down the street
00:30:11i see a sign say the last baptist church
00:30:13that's when i'm gonna get my act together
00:30:15things you never see
00:30:19you watch television you never see an episode of er where they don't use that defibrillator
00:30:24i don't care what the patient's problem is
00:30:27well what's wrong with the patient
00:30:28well the patient has a rash because the elastic on his drawers are too tight
00:30:33bring him on in here
00:30:36stand back
00:30:39give me three thousand votes
00:30:42things you never see
00:30:44you never see a ku klux klan man all dressed up
00:30:48standing on the corner by himself
00:30:50there at a klan rally in birmingham we went
00:31:00i was driving around with the chief of police
00:31:02we pulled one over
00:31:03i said get out the car
00:31:04now put your hands on the hood
00:31:06we tell him not that hood
00:31:17we scared that man so bad he had to go home and change his sheets
00:31:21things you never see
00:31:24you never see cats making love
00:31:28you never see cats making love
00:31:31say what oh yeah you can hear
00:31:35you can hear
00:31:37now
00:31:39now
00:31:43it's ready for you now
00:31:46things you never see
00:31:51you never see chinese funeral homes
00:31:54you never see chinese funeral homes
00:32:02where do these people go
00:32:04next time you go to chinese restaurant to have wing bing du
00:32:09you have to see mr wing
00:32:14i'm a very sick person
00:32:20i'm a very sick person
00:32:23the world is crazy
00:32:27and the world i might add tonight
00:32:30i truly believe this
00:32:31the world is coming to an end
00:32:33very soon
00:32:35i believe this
00:32:38ask me why
00:32:40why
00:32:41because black people starting to do shit we don't normally do
00:32:45we're starting to do things we never thought about doing
00:32:56the crematory in georgia
00:32:59300 400 unburied uncremated bodies
00:33:06and they put it on tv and here comes a brother from around the house
00:33:11mama go to the television real quick
00:33:19brother
00:33:22i understand i know what happened he got a little backed up
00:33:26he want to cut down on expenses you know
00:33:32no need to heat up that whole incinerator and
00:33:34we got that 55 gallon barbecue grill back there in the back
00:33:38black people starting to do shit we don't normally do
00:33:41the black lady in houston ran over a man
00:33:44drove him home
00:33:46he's in the garage for three days
00:33:49and she would check on him every day
00:33:52he's out there on the windshield
00:33:55she said she thought it was raining men
00:33:58black people doing things we don't normally do
00:34:04washington dc i was in washington dc when all of that came down i ran out of gas
00:34:11i sat in my car for three days
00:34:18i called triple a he sat in the truck for three days
00:34:24i wasn't getting out he wasn't getting out
00:34:27i wasn't getting out
00:34:29I sat in my car for three days.
00:34:33I called AAA, he sat in the truck for three days.
00:34:37I wasn't getting out, he wasn't getting out.
00:34:41And the government, what do they do?
00:34:44They go to court, nine, ten days,
00:34:46trying to find out whether they should try
00:34:48John Lee Malveaux as an adult.
00:34:52I say, if you can't buy your clothes
00:34:56in the children's department,
00:34:57you're an adult.
00:35:05I say, if you're old enough to shoot,
00:35:09you're old enough to be shot.
00:35:15Mm-hmm.
00:35:17Some of my friends said to me,
00:35:18George Wallace, you're always talking about
00:35:19you want to be such a Christian.
00:35:21Christ wouldn't do nothing like that.
00:35:24Well, he don't live down here no more.
00:35:27A lot of things changed since he left.
00:35:42I'm a very sick person.
00:35:46Very sick person.
00:35:47I'm watching TV in my room.
00:35:49We got too many stupid television commercials, too.
00:35:52Don't it make you sick?
00:35:53KFC Colonel Sanders on TV trying to rap,
00:35:56trying to dance.
00:35:57You need to be trying to make that chicken better.
00:35:59That's what it need to be doing.
00:36:01Chicken doesn't taste like it used to, does it?
00:36:03Y'all remember when we were kids,
00:36:05the chicken used to taste real good.
00:36:06Somebody's not using all 11 spices.
00:36:08I can tell you that right now.
00:36:10Some of these commercials, Taco Bell.
00:36:12Taco Bell had a sandwich called a chalupa.
00:36:14A chalupa.
00:36:16I'm going, what the hell is a chalupa?
00:36:20I'm thinking, it must be that chihuahua we don't see anymore.
00:36:23Some of these commercials are crazy.
00:36:34Gatorade?
00:36:35I ain't drinking nothing.
00:36:36I'm going to sweat the same color.
00:36:39These people drink Gatorade.
00:36:41They get on the bicycle.
00:36:42All of a sudden, red shit coming out of the skin.
00:36:45Viagra, that's a commercial.
00:36:46The guy's taking a Viagra just before he gets in a race car.
00:36:50Getting ready to do 200 miles an hour.
00:36:51He just took a Viagra.
00:36:54You might grab the wrong stick.
00:36:59These stupid commercials.
00:37:01They have another commercial on TV running right now.
00:37:03Some religious organization,
00:37:04ecological or environmentalists,
00:37:06have gotten together.
00:37:08It's about conserving energy.
00:37:09They said that SUV vehicles are consuming too much gas.
00:37:15And their follow-up is, what would Jesus drive?
00:37:17Y'all seen that?
00:37:18What would Jesus drive?
00:37:21Well, I'm pretty much the smartest person in here.
00:37:23And I figured it out.
00:37:25He would drive a Honda.
00:37:29That's what he would drive.
00:37:31Because it says in the Bible, Acts 2 and 1,
00:37:34we shall all be in one accord.
00:37:47And when the Holy Ghost has fully come,
00:37:50they were all in one accord.
00:37:52I know what I'm talking about.
00:37:54I know what I'm talking about.
00:37:59We need to talk about smoking too.
00:38:02Anybody want to stop smoking?
00:38:04I got a sure two-step method.
00:38:07First, go out and buy yourself a water bed.
00:38:08Then fill it up with gasoline.
00:38:12If that don't stop you from smoking, cigarettes ain't your problem.
00:38:22And speaking of smoking, let me just say this.
00:38:28I don't think you should be allowed to sue cigarette companies.
00:38:32I really believe you shouldn't be allowed to sue cigarette companies.
00:38:35If you believe you should, you know, I'll agree with you that we disagree.
00:38:39But I think you had a choice.
00:38:41It's like when you were a kid, a baby.
00:38:43Your parents, your mother, your father told you,
00:38:44don't touch the stove because the stove is hot.
00:38:47You never did it again, did you?
00:38:49So that's how I feel about smoking.
00:38:52If you're going to sue the cigarette companies, sue everybody.
00:38:57Sue Oscar Mayer.
00:39:00You eat three packs of bacon a day, you know what's going to happen to your ass.
00:39:08Hardening other arteries, and you're going to have a heart attack and die.
00:39:11Sue everybody.
00:39:12Sue Sara Lee and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.
00:39:14That should come with a label.
00:39:16This product may cause your ass to spread.
00:39:21And you happen to buy a new sofa.
00:39:24Sue Chinese restaurants.
00:39:26You go to a Chinese restaurant, eat your dinner, get the fortune cookie.
00:39:29That shit don't happen to you in 30 days.
00:39:31Sue them.
00:39:34Take it to court.
00:39:36That's another thing.
00:39:37Going to court.
00:39:37Too many judges now.
00:39:39We got Judge Mathis.
00:39:40Judge Hatchett.
00:39:42We got Judge.
00:39:43I don't ever want to go to Judge Joe Brown.
00:39:45Boy, he's strict.
00:39:47Judge Joe Brown.
00:39:48I don't know why the first judge didn't give you 30 years.
00:39:51In any case, I'm going to give you another 40 to go on top of it.
00:39:56And another thing.
00:39:57How come all the judges on television are black, but when you get to real court?
00:40:00Too many cooking shows on TV.
00:40:10Y'all watch those cooking shows?
00:40:13Why?
00:40:13You know you ain't got that shit in your house.
00:40:20Saki-taki mushroom.
00:40:23You got the emerald.
00:40:24Let's take it up a notch.
00:40:26Bang!
00:40:26Then you got the old lady that needs to retire.
00:40:30What's her name?
00:40:30The old, real old lady.
00:40:32Julia Child.
00:40:33She's so old, she can't even, she, she, she can't even cook.
00:40:36She's leaning on.
00:40:37There's a nice brush of chicken in there and you put some salt and pepper on it and take it over the oven for me.
00:40:52And I'll just take it.
00:40:53And her titties are hanging all down in the salad.
00:41:03You're some sick people in here tonight.
00:41:07Very sick people.
00:41:14Let me tell you a little bit about me.
00:41:18I'm from the South.
00:41:21And living in the South, I haven't been back, I was back at Christmas in my neighborhood and I went down there singing Christmas carols.
00:41:28Hark the herald angels sing.
00:41:30I was thinking hark, that's a word nobody uses anymore.
00:41:33Hark.
00:41:33Unless when you go down South, you go to your grandmother and she in the bathroom.
00:41:40Hark!
00:41:45What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
00:41:49Hark!
00:41:49I call it the sounds of the South.
00:41:57The sounds of the South.
00:41:58Hark!
00:41:59Hark!
00:42:00How about this one?
00:42:10Hark!
00:42:11The sounds of the South.
00:42:17And one thing about growing up in the South, by the way, any northerners here tonight?
00:42:24How you northerners doing?
00:42:26Let me talk to you northerners for a second.
00:42:28Because you need to be talked to.
00:42:31We southerners hear the little jokes y'all do about us.
00:42:34We're not wrapped too tight.
00:42:36Go ahead and make your little jokes.
00:42:38Some of them are funny.
00:42:40But I can tell you one thing.
00:42:42I've never heard of a southerner saving up their entire life's earnings to retire up north.
00:42:53So come on now.
00:42:55We still love it.
00:42:56Some of your jokes are funny.
00:42:58Like I don't think people live in Mississippi, Alabama, and Georgia should have porches on their houses.
00:43:03You ever driving down to the South?
00:43:04People got refrigerators and washing machines and freezers.
00:43:07Put that shit in the house where it belongs.
00:43:11You go over to Arkansas, they got a sofa.
00:43:16Living in the South.
00:43:18And one thing about living in the South, you got to go to church.
00:43:23I don't care who you are.
00:43:25You got to go to church.
00:43:26If I never go to church again in my life, I have put my time in.
00:43:34We had to go to Sunday school, morning service, 2 o'clock in the afternoon, another church having a program across town.
00:43:42The choir's got to go over there and sing an A and B selection.
00:43:464, 5 o'clock, YPCWW, BTU.
00:43:527 o'clock, night service.
00:43:53And my mama said, you better not fall asleep.
00:43:56I said, like hell I ain't going to fall asleep.
00:44:00I said that to myself.
00:44:03You know what I'm saying?
00:44:07But going to church, that's why I'm a comedian.
00:44:11Because the preacher is the first comedian I ever saw.
00:44:15Because the preacher would tell a joke every Sunday.
00:44:17My bishop, Bishop G.E. Patterson, would tell a joke.
00:44:22He told me a joke, said some kids went to church from the detention center and the little kid stood up to testify.
00:44:29The overseer is snatching back down.
00:44:30He's standing up there, snatching back down.
00:44:32So the bishop said, let him testify.
00:44:34You never know what he has to say.
00:44:35So the kid sang a song.
00:44:36I ain't going to hell, no, no.
00:44:39I ain't going to hell, no, no.
00:44:42Hell is deep and wide.
00:44:43There's no joy inside.
00:44:45I ain't going to hell, no, no.
00:44:47And the bishop said, see that wasn't bad.
00:44:49Why don't the choir join in?
00:44:50And the choir went, hell no, hell no.
00:44:53Hell no.
00:44:57I ain't going to hell, no, no.
00:44:59But that's why I'm a comedian.
00:45:02The preacher would tell a joke.
00:45:04And the preacher would tell a lie.
00:45:06You go to your church Sunday morning, the preacher will walk up in the pulpit with the Bible in his hand.
00:45:11I won't be long.
00:45:18That's a lie.
00:45:20I wish I could get somebody to help me.
00:45:23You're the only one getting paid.
00:45:26Oh, oh, I'm trying to stop now.
00:45:28I'm trying to stop now.
00:45:30Well, sit your ass down.
00:45:34Always two or three members in the congregation.
00:45:37Take your time, pastor.
00:45:38Take your time.
00:45:39Fix it.
00:45:40I'm going, you shut the hell up.
00:45:43You know that game, come on at one o'clock.
00:45:50And preachers make up words.
00:45:52They're making words like butcher up.
00:45:55Butcher up.
00:45:56Oh, you can raise all the hell you want to raise.
00:46:00Butcher up.
00:46:04Butcher up.
00:46:05They make up words.
00:46:06And what does that mean?
00:46:10Good God Almighty.
00:46:12I know I've been born again.
00:46:14The white people are looking at me like, what the hell is he talking about?
00:46:32Well, we make noise in our church.
00:46:35The preacher preachers, we talk back to the preacher.
00:46:37Well, it's getting good now.
00:46:40Tell you what you white people do.
00:46:43You're driving down the street one day.
00:46:45There's a hearse in front of a black church.
00:46:47Go in there.
00:46:49Go in there.
00:46:50You're going to see some funny stuff.
00:46:51But I'm telling y'all now, don't laugh in the church.
00:46:56Wait till you get home like we do.
00:47:02Because you're going to see some funny stuff.
00:47:04And don't feel bad about not knowing the deceased.
00:47:07Because half the people that are black film, we don't know them.
00:47:13All we know is going to be some eating going on up in there.
00:47:17I don't even buy groceries anymore.
00:47:20I read the obituaries every day.
00:47:23Miss Lucille Johnson.
00:47:25Homeborn service, 2 o'clock.
00:47:27And then I know 2.30, you know, 4 o'clock, 5 o'clock.
00:47:31Go ahead and cruise by the house.
00:47:33Get out the car and walk up in there.
00:47:34You see a lot of people in the house going.
00:47:39Then you hear somebody say, I don't know, but fix them a plate.
00:47:45And I can tell you what you're going to have on that plate.
00:47:48Chicken.
00:47:51Black folks can't die unless the chicken is ready.
00:47:56Preacher's still telling lies.
00:47:58My daddy died.
00:48:00The preacher, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
00:48:04Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
00:48:11Lordy, lordy, lordy.
00:48:14Ah, I have a few words.
00:48:16Hmm, to say.
00:48:18Hmm, see there, I change keys on you, too.
00:48:21To say about Bror Wallace.
00:48:23Hmm, everybody knows.
00:48:25Hmm, uh, uh, Bror Wallace, hmm, ah, ah, was a community leader.
00:48:29Hmm, loved his wife.
00:48:31Hmm, and loved his children.
00:48:33And that's when my mama said, go up there and say, that's your dad in that coffee.
00:48:44Now that's just a joke, that's a joke.
00:48:47But the preacher get all up in his sermon and I just want the family to know that Brother Wallace, he's not dead.
00:48:55He's just sleeping.
00:48:58And I looked at my mama, I said, hell, his ass ain't dead.
00:49:00And we got this insurance money coming up in here too.
00:49:06Oh, he's dead.
00:49:08Now let me tell y'all something, I talk about a lot of funerals because I go to a lot of funerals.
00:49:13See, both my grandmothers had 21 kids.
00:49:1721, and that's 42 kids.
00:49:19I saw my grandmama the other day, she's pregnant right now.
00:49:26Crazy glue can't keep my grandmama legs together.
00:49:30We go to the funeral.
00:49:36Anybody ever been a pallbearer?
00:49:38Man, that coffin is heavy, isn't it?
00:49:40Man, I'm walking along with this coffin.
00:49:42I'm going, this thing is heavy.
00:49:45I must have the head.
00:49:48I said, hey, you flower ladies, put those flowers down.
00:49:51Come up in, help us with this heavy coffin.
00:49:53Come on.
00:49:53It's your daddy.
00:49:54I'll drop his ass.
00:49:55That's your shoe.
00:49:55You better come on up here.
00:49:56Man, we get out the car.
00:50:01We approach the grave site.
00:50:04Uneven dirt everywhere.
00:50:07My oldest aunt approaching the grave site, tripped and fell in a hole.
00:50:10She's still in there.
00:50:15She's 95 years old.
00:50:16Ain't no need to take an ass out of that hole.
00:50:20Save us a trip.
00:50:23The whole family is going, I didn't see nothing.
00:50:26I didn't see nothing.
00:50:27I'm not coming back down here in this hot ass, son.
00:50:33Got these fire ants biting me and shit.
00:50:35I ain't coming back down here.
00:50:44I could talk about funerals all day.
00:50:47And we need to stop wasting money on these funerals, too.
00:50:49Don't you think sometimes we spend too much money on funerals?
00:50:54A friend of mine died.
00:50:55A friend of mine died.
00:50:57Well, yesterday since I'm making this shit up.
00:51:00A friend of mine died.
00:51:18A friend of mine died.
00:51:19His wife bought him a $3,000 suit just to bury him in.
00:51:23Don't you think that's a waste of money?
00:51:25Well, I want people to remember him as he was.
00:51:27I said, well, you ought to put some handcuffs on his ass here.
00:51:41And funeral directors make me sick, too.
00:51:43They need their ass kicked.
00:51:45Any funeral directors in here?
00:51:48How y'all doing over there?
00:51:50Who the hell?
00:51:51What is wrong with you people?
00:51:53Filial directors.
00:51:53Y'all, you know when you leave the church, you leave the chapel,
00:51:56and you go to the cemetery, just as you pull in the gate,
00:51:59you can see the little tent right over there.
00:52:02But for some reason,
00:52:04you funeral directors want to drive all the way around the whole damn cemetery.
00:52:09Like y'all got a new hole y'all want to sell or something like that.
00:52:12Some people need their ass kicked.
00:52:17People that pass you on the freeway and then go slower than you were going.
00:52:22Need their ass kicked.
00:52:24People at your grocery store paying for a loaf of bread with a check.
00:52:28Need their ass kicked.
00:52:31Holding up the whole line.
00:52:32Now we've got to call the general manager over to prove the check.
00:52:34I can approve a $1.29 check.
00:52:37Get the hell out of the way.
00:52:38I'll pay for the little bread.
00:52:40Some people need their ass kicked.
00:52:43Everybody that thinks Richard Simmons is in good shape.
00:52:48Need your ass kicked.
00:52:50A lot of people need their ass kicked.
00:52:52You ever go to somebody's house, they own a dog,
00:52:53the dog is sniffing your crotch and they won't do nothing about it?
00:52:57They need their ass kicked.
00:52:59Oh, he's doing that because he loves you.
00:53:00Well, I love you too, but I'm not humping all up on your leg or not.
00:53:06Some doctors need any doctors in here.
00:53:09How you doctors doing?
00:53:11Need your ass kicked.
00:53:14How come we have a 10 o'clock appointment to see you doctors?
00:53:17We don't get to see you at 11 o'clock, 11, 15, 11, 30, 11, 45.
00:53:21And they walk out and say, be patient.
00:53:24Be patient.
00:53:25That's how they came up with the name.
00:53:26You be patient.
00:53:31MD, me doctor.
00:53:35Doctors need your ass kicked.
00:53:36Come on, what's the problem?
00:53:37The problem, I've been waiting on your ass for an hour and a half.
00:53:41What's wrong?
00:53:41Hell, if I knew what was wrong,
00:53:42I'd write my own prescription to go down to the drugstore.
00:53:45Like Governor Bush's daughter did.
00:53:50Yeah, I said it.
00:53:51Yeah.
00:53:52Yeah.
00:53:52Yeah.
00:53:52Yeah.
00:53:52Yeah.
00:53:52Yeah.
00:53:52Yeah.
00:53:52Yeah.
00:53:53Yeah.
00:53:53Yeah.
00:53:53Yeah.
00:53:53Yeah.
00:53:54Yeah.
00:53:54Yeah.
00:53:54Yeah.
00:53:55Yeah.
00:53:55Yeah.
00:53:56Yeah.
00:53:57I don't understand this world.
00:53:59So many things I don't understand.
00:54:01Like how come when dogs bark at night,
00:54:03they ever get that last bark in?
00:54:05You ever hear dogs barking at night?
00:54:07Woo!
00:54:09Woo!
00:54:14Woo!
00:54:17Woo!
00:54:17Woo!
00:54:19You all keep laughing, I'll keep barking.
00:54:21Woo!
00:54:25Woo!
00:54:25Things I don't understand.
00:54:29How come you never see bank robber's pictures at the bank?
00:54:32You never see bank robber's pictures at the bank.
00:54:36They're all down at the...
00:54:38Post office.
00:54:38Why?
00:54:40They're not robbing the post office.
00:54:43Because they know people at the post office shoot back.
00:54:50Things I don't understand.
00:54:52How come they got 18 handicapped parking spaces at the Home Depot?
00:55:03Yeah, I said it.
00:55:06You know they can't get shit off that top shelf.
00:55:09Yeah, I said it.
00:55:10I talk about everybody.
00:55:12My best friend in Los Angeles, he's in a wheelchair.
00:55:14He's been pleading with me for years.
00:55:15Please write a joke about us.
00:55:17We want to be talked about too.
00:55:18You talk about everybody else, don't feel sorry for us.
00:55:20We can take a joke.
00:55:21We want to be included too.
00:55:23I told him, okay.
00:55:26I did.
00:55:26Then I told him, I'm pissed off at the government for spending $100,000 for bus to have a wire
00:55:30the door and an elevator to lift their ass up on the bus.
00:55:34How about a rope?
00:55:37Give them a rope.
00:55:38Hook their ass up to the back of the bus.
00:55:42When they get where they're going, just let go.
00:55:44Give them a long ski rope.
00:55:48So when they go down the interstate, they go in and out of those iron cones out there.
00:55:54I talk about everybody.
00:55:55That's why I think this would have been a much better country had we all been midgets.
00:56:01We all should have been midgets.
00:56:03Midgets are good people.
00:56:04You ever think about that?
00:56:06Midgets don't give nobody any kind of trouble.
00:56:08When's the last time you seen a midget on America's Most Wanted?
00:56:10Midgets are good people.
00:56:15They drive and they don't cut you off in traffic giving you the finger.
00:56:18Well, they do, but you can't see them.
00:56:23Midgets are good people.
00:56:24You never seen a homeless midget?
00:56:27Midgets are optimistic.
00:56:29Never, you know, always looking out.
00:56:36Comfortable with who they are, their position in life.
00:56:38They don't look down on other people.
00:56:40They all have good jobs.
00:56:43You never see them begging out on the street.
00:56:44Go down to the unemployment office, you never see no midgets in line.
00:56:48Midgets work.
00:56:49Most of them work at the grocery store.
00:56:52Y'all ain't know that?
00:56:54They work at Crocker and Safeway and Ralph's, places like that.
00:56:57Y'all ain't know that?
00:56:58Well, when you go to the grocery store tomorrow and you put your food across that scanner,
00:57:02well, they underneath there adding that shit up.
00:57:10I need my ass kicked with y'all in there, junk.
00:57:21And you can boo me if you want to, but I bet you tomorrow when you go in the market.
00:57:28I'm a sick person.
00:57:41I'm going home and take my Christmas tree down now.
00:57:43But before I leave here, you people got to do me a favor.
00:57:51Stop saying stupid things.
00:57:54I'm sick and tired of people keep saying stupid things to me.
00:57:56I'm out here in the city today walking.
00:58:00A lady says to me, you in town?
00:58:07Why do people say stupid shit?
00:58:10Another man told me, my wife don't die when I tell her I saw you.
00:58:14I said, well, don't tell her.
00:58:19People can say some stupid shit.
00:58:21A lady told me, I'm going to be at your show tonight.
00:58:23I'll be there with bells on.
00:58:24I said, how come you can't come in here and sit your ass out like everybody else?
00:58:29Enough with the bells.
00:58:31I'm on the airplane, man sitting next to me.
00:58:33You going all the way?
00:58:39I said, I hope like hell I'm going all the way.
00:58:42I didn't buy no halfway ticket.
00:58:44People can say some stupid shit.
00:58:46I'm waiting for my luggage.
00:58:47A lady comes up to me, Mr. Wallace, you're mighty quiet today.
00:58:50I said, well, hell, I'm standing here by myself.
00:58:54Why don't people say stupid shit?
00:58:57Somebody ran inside yesterday.
00:58:58It's raining outside.
00:59:00Well, where else would it be raining?
00:59:03That's why you came in here, isn't it?
00:59:05People can say some stupid shit.
00:59:09A friend of mine told me he's going to build a house.
00:59:11He's going to build it from the ground up.
00:59:13I told her, mm-hmm, that'd be a nice way to start it.
00:59:27You start with the roof.
00:59:29We need to hear more about this.
00:59:32Why don't people say stupid shit?
00:59:34Every time I go to a fast food restaurant and order a hamburger, you want cheese on that?
00:59:40Did I order a cheeseburger?
00:59:42I ordered a hamburger, and I want ham on it.
00:59:48People can say some stupid shit.
00:59:52And don't do other people favors.
00:59:54Other people get jealous.
00:59:55They start making up phrases like, oh, he's just blowing smoke up your ass.
00:59:59Let me tell y'all something.
01:00:00If you can find somebody willing to blow smoke up your ass, you've got yourself one real good friend there.
01:00:08You know that?
01:00:15I'm going to Atlanta tomorrow.
01:00:17I'm going to see my uncle, Uncle Bo.
01:00:19Now, Uncle Bo can say some stupid things.
01:00:21Uncle Bo is the type of guy will ask you a question and answer it at the same time.
01:00:25You ever find people like that?
01:00:27Ask you a question and answer it at the same time.
01:00:30How y'all get up here, walk?
01:00:35What's your mama send you up for some sugar?
01:00:39Where's your dad at work?
01:00:42What time you get off?
01:00:43Six o'clock?
01:00:46What you kids doing at home ain't no school today?
01:00:50Why y'all ain't talking?
01:00:51Cat got your tongue?
01:00:53How come it's so hot in here y'all got the heat on?
01:00:56What you eating, boy?
01:00:57Chicken?
01:00:58What y'all watching the game?
01:01:01Who's preaching tomorrow?
01:01:02Reverend Johnson?
01:01:04Who knew going to drive away yours?
01:01:07Why you calling the doctor you sick?
01:01:08Why you calling the doctor you sick?
01:01:08Ladies and gentlemen, my mother and father here tonight, they've never seen me work before, as long as I've been working.
01:01:26And I did not do a good job tonight.
01:01:28And I'm just so happy that you're here, that I could share this with you, with my mom and dad, and never seen, and I was a little nervous with them being here.
01:01:39But I'd like for you to meet them.
01:01:40They've been such great parents, and I want y'all to meet them, my mom and daddy.
01:01:43Come on, daddy, get up.
01:01:49Turn around, turn around, say hello to the people.
01:01:56It's my mom and daddy here.
01:01:59I know y'all wouldn't believe it if you didn't see it in black and white.
01:02:02What y'all waiting for, another joke?
01:02:20Aren't you laughing at something funny?
01:02:23Police can say some stupid things.
01:02:25Cop called me over the other day, dyslexic cop.
01:02:28He gave me an IUD.
01:02:37Gave me a cop, gave me a ticket for speeding.
01:02:40I told him I thought I was driving cautiously.
01:02:42I was trying to keep a safe distance in front of the cars behind me.
01:02:51Sir, you want to get out of the car?
01:02:53Hell no.
01:02:56You stop me, you want to talk to me?
01:02:57Come over here and sit down.
01:02:58Rodney King taught everybody, don't ever get out the car.
01:03:03That's another thing.
01:03:04Los Angeles, California celebrated the riots 10 years.
01:03:07How do you celebrate a riot?
01:03:10That is so stupid.
01:03:12I was out there when that happened.
01:03:13That guy, what's his name driving the truck?
01:03:15Reginald Jackson.
01:03:16Reginald Denny.
01:03:18He needed his ass kicked.
01:03:20Yeah, I said it.
01:03:21Any time you're driving an 18-wheeler tractor-trailer truck and you can't run over somebody, you need your ass kicked.
01:03:30I'd have had 18 years, I'd have ran over 18 people jacks.
01:03:34It was a cement truck, I would have released that cement, there'd have been 10 of them standing there right now.
01:03:46I'd have been more like that.
01:03:53Stupid things.
01:03:54We say stupid things because our parents said stupid things.
01:03:56I know my mama did.
01:03:58My mama said the other day, I'm going to redecorate the house.
01:04:00This time I'm going to do it differently.
01:04:01Anybody got any questions before I go?
01:04:12Say what?
01:04:15What?
01:04:16How about my mama?
01:04:20I know you didn't say what I thought you said.
01:04:24What's wrong with you people?
01:04:26You hear J. Anthony Brown on the Tom Joyner morning show talking about my mama.
01:04:30Whoopi Goldberg.
01:04:33Y'all got to stop talking about my mama.
01:04:36How about your ugly mama?
01:04:39I met your mama at the airport.
01:04:40She got a job sniffing luggage.
01:04:46It's a little game we play.
01:04:47Some of you know how to play it.
01:04:48It's called Joni.
01:04:49Some of you know how to play the game, right?
01:04:52And who got a joke?
01:04:52Hit me if we want to show them how to do it.
01:04:55Come on.
01:04:55My mama's so fat, she had to iron her pants in the driveway.
01:05:02Okay.
01:05:05Let me tell you about your big fat mama.
01:05:08Your mama's so fat, when she gets on the elevator, oh, it's going down.
01:05:15That's how you play.
01:05:17Some of you know one.
01:05:18Come on, give me another one.
01:05:19My mama's so fat, she's cock-eyed, every time she's run around, she's look around.
01:05:35That's just like your mama.
01:05:36Your mama...
01:05:36Your mama's so cross-eyed the other day, she dropped a dime, picked up two nickels.
01:05:41And I could have been your daddy, but your mama didn't have them changed for a dollar.
01:05:54Somebody had one over here.
01:05:55Come on.
01:05:58My mama's so stupid, she sold the television to pay the cable bill.
01:06:01Your mama's so stupid the other day, she was walking by the YMCA.
01:06:16She said, look, baby, somebody's spelled Macy's wrong.
01:06:22You imagine some crazy?
01:06:23You put an accusation in the window back and say he was going to go outside and ship out.
01:06:27My daddy's so crazy, he put his accusation in the back and say he's going to go outside and get cool.
01:06:39That's like your stupid daddy.
01:06:43Your daddy's so old when Moses parted the Red Sea, your daddy was on the other side fishing.
01:06:47Your mama's so fast, she put on a yellow raincoat, they go taxi.
01:07:05Just like your big fat mama.
01:07:08Your mama's so fast, she got a real horse on her polo shirt.
01:07:10I know your big fat mama.
01:07:20And you lead my mama out of this.
01:07:23And I lead this out of your mama.
01:07:24Come on.
01:07:30Come on, mama.
01:07:31So you got enough of them.
01:07:32Come on.
01:07:36Wait a minute.
01:07:37There's one right there.
01:07:38Mama, go ahead.
01:07:38My mama's so short, she jumped rope under the bed.
01:07:43My mama's so short, she jumped rope under the bed.
01:07:47Yeah, your mama's so short, we had to put hims in her drawers.
01:07:51I know your mama.
01:07:53I heard your mama cooking it so bad, all the flies got together and fixed a hole in the screen.
01:08:01I hear your mama had so many children, the birth certificate read, we the people.
01:08:05My mama's so black, what?
01:08:13She sweat chocolate milk.
01:08:14Oh, no, she didn't.
01:08:16My mama's so black, she sweat chocolate milk.
01:08:19No, you didn't either.
01:08:20I know you didn't say what you just said.
01:08:23My mama's so black, she sweat chocolate milk.
01:08:26You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
01:08:27You have got, I'm going to get you.
01:08:31I'm going to get you.
01:08:33First of all, I hear they call your mama potato chip.
01:08:36I hear she's free to lay.
01:08:37Bam!
01:08:43My mama's so black, she sweat chocolate milk.
01:08:47Your mama's so black, she go outside.
01:08:48During the daytime, the phone rates go down.
01:08:51Your mama's so black, she sprinkle salt on her, she look like deep space.
01:09:06And she's so skinny, she get in the car, she look like the club.
01:09:08I know your mama's so ugly, she go in the woods, the trees pee on her.
01:09:22Your mama's so ugly, she walk by the bathroom, and the toilet just flushed by and sat.
01:09:28And I'm out of here, I love you, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.
01:09:32I'm George Wallace, thank you so much.
01:09:34Thank you so much, you're too nice.
01:09:35Thank you so much, George Wallace.