Sam Kinison gives a completely raw and uncensored performance at the very height of his career. Filled with scorching comedy, hot women and sizzling rock 'n roll, this show encapsulates the energy and relentless brand of comedy that was unique to Kinison.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
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00:00:00Ladies and gentlemen, the undisputed king of comedy, the leader of the band, Mr. Sam
00:00:17Jennifer!
00:00:47It's been a long time since I went to the road
00:00:51Let me get back, let me get back, let me get back
00:00:57I knew I was so proud
00:01:00It's been a long time, it's been a long time
00:01:07And it was lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time
00:01:17We can't afford, there's no longer love
00:01:26Oh yeah, carry me back, carry me back, carry me back
00:01:31Ain't where I come from, yeah
00:01:35It's been a long time, it's been a long time
00:01:42And it's been a long time, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time
00:01:46And you're doing a long thing, yeah
00:01:50Go Randy
00:02:16It's been a long time, it's been a long time
00:02:18It's been a long time, it's been a long time
00:02:20It's been a long time, it's been a long time
00:02:22It's been a long time, it's been a long time
00:02:26In a long time, it's a rock and roll
00:02:44In a long time, it's a rock and roll
00:02:50Carry me back, carry me back
00:02:55Carry me back
00:03:04Been a long time, been a long time
00:03:06Been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time
00:03:15Carry me back
00:03:18Hey, hey, hey
00:03:24Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
00:03:33Been a long time, been a long time
00:03:52Been a long time, been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time
00:04:01Yeah
00:04:04Yeah
00:04:08Yeah
00:04:17Yeah
00:04:19Yeah
00:04:21Oh, Randy Hanson, ladies and gentlemen, and the Sam Kenison Wedding Band.
00:04:50Thank you very much, guys.
00:04:55Oh, man.
00:04:56How the fuck are you, Las Vegas?
00:05:02I know a lot of you probably got scared.
00:05:05You probably thought, oh, fuck, he's not going to sing all night, is he?
00:05:11I just wanted to show you a couple of things a lot of people didn't get to see,
00:05:15like most of the shit that was cut out of my Saturday Night Live show.
00:05:20As far as the voter registration commercial, I still haven't registered to vote.
00:05:27So, I meant to.
00:05:29I meant to.
00:05:30It's those fucking hours, man.
00:05:31It's hard to get up and get down there in time to fucking, you know, register.
00:05:38Where do you go?
00:05:39The post office?
00:05:40Where the fuck do you go?
00:05:42Shit, I don't know.
00:05:43Also, that was my new fucking video there on the end.
00:05:47It's called Under My Thumb.
00:05:50You people are the first fuckers to see it as is, man.
00:05:57I sent it to MTV like that, and they had some fucking problem.
00:06:01I don't get it, man.
00:06:04I think it's fucking hot.
00:06:05I don't see any problem.
00:06:06I thought it was family entertainment.
00:06:09Everybody knows.
00:06:11This is what I stand for.
00:06:14Family entertainment.
00:06:15So, they fucking ruined it, man.
00:06:16They took out all the fucking girls dancing.
00:06:19They took out all the fucking action, man.
00:06:21All the fucking strippers.
00:06:22And it looks like Ozzy Osbourne and all these guys are like clapping for the fucking band, man.
00:06:28So, I sent them a telegram yesterday, and I said, pull my fucking video.
00:06:32If you're not going to run the one I made, then get the one that you have on there off now.
00:06:36Fuck you.
00:06:38What's up?
00:06:41So, if you don't see it on there, folks.
00:06:45And what we're going to have to do is I'm going to have to go back in the editing room,
00:06:48and, you know, because the girls got carried away.
00:06:50I had nothing to do with it.
00:06:52But we did audition 127 professional stripper dancers,
00:06:57and they were on that runway, and they got carried away.
00:07:00You know, so they did some of them, did take off their clothes and play with their pussies and stuff.
00:07:04So, I guess what I'm going to have to do is go back in, re-edit the video,
00:07:10and show you everything, and release it on a home video where you can fucking own it.
00:07:14And, uh, there's also an R-rated version of Wild Thing that never was released,
00:07:20because, you know, Jessica's tits was, like, falling out everywhere, and, you know,
00:07:24because they were awful big.
00:07:26And we just hate that, don't we, guys?
00:07:32Oh, we hate big titties.
00:07:34Yeah, sure.
00:07:34Oh, God.
00:07:37Oh, it's so much fun to be in Las Vegas.
00:07:39Now, I know.
00:07:40How many locals do we have here, first of all?
00:07:46Well, thank you for coming out and supporting my show.
00:07:48There was a lot of fucking bad stories that went around about New Year's Eve.
00:07:57And, of course, I'm not going to tell you the truth,
00:07:59because nobody else did.
00:08:02Why should I fucking tell the truth?
00:08:04Fuck.
00:08:05Now, here's what the problem was.
00:08:07Now, this was my fault.
00:08:10Hey, hey, let's don't have a fucking relapse, okay?
00:08:13Don't flash me back, all right?
00:08:14Here's what the problem was, is that I came on at New Year's fucking Eve.
00:08:20I came on at midnight.
00:08:21This was the biggest fucking mistake next to my marriages I've ever made in my fucking life.
00:08:27I wanted to take a pin.
00:08:31I suck dick.
00:08:32So good.
00:08:34Show me your rings, and I'll show you my tit rings.
00:08:36Okay.
00:08:37Here.
00:08:38Woo!
00:08:42Oh, here.
00:08:46Okay, hurry.
00:08:49Uh-oh.
00:08:51Hey, can I take a picture of yours now?
00:08:55Okay.
00:08:57Wow.
00:09:04Well, you just try to help.
00:09:05That's all.
00:09:07You try to help.
00:09:09Yeah, take her to my room, please.
00:09:12Jesus Christ, she had tit rings, man.
00:09:15I thought I knew what fucking pain was.
00:09:17Fuck.
00:09:18That's got to be some intense pain.
00:09:20How many women have tit rings in the audience?
00:09:24Is that Bill Guzzari?
00:09:25Bill Guzzari, ladies and gentlemen.
00:09:26The man you saw in my video, Bill.
00:09:30I told you.
00:09:30See, you were in that.
00:09:32Did you see the video?
00:09:33See, you were in the real video.
00:09:34Vim TV.
00:09:35Fuck this, man.
00:09:36So I said, fuck MTV.
00:09:38I pulled my video, man.
00:09:39Because they took you.
00:09:39Bill was the one that was introducing the strippers.
00:09:41Plus, anybody from Los Angeles.
00:09:43This is the man that started rock and roll.
00:09:45Bill Guzzari.
00:09:46Guzzari's a rock and roll.
00:09:48The man.
00:09:49The legend.
00:09:49The myth.
00:09:50Did you ever fuck a girl with tit rings, Bill?
00:09:54I'm just curious.
00:09:55Right here.
00:09:56Right here's your tit rings.
00:09:57Yeah.
00:09:58All right.
00:09:59I draw a classy crowd.
00:10:01Don't I tell you?
00:10:03People coming to Vegas and they go, wait, what?
00:10:05What?
00:10:05The Pointer Sisters show is sold out.
00:10:07Why don't we take the kids over to see that Sam Kennison show, honey?
00:10:10You know, that's got to be plenty of family entertainment.
00:10:15Here's what went wrong.
00:10:17Anyway, I just want to get this New Year's Eve thing out of the way.
00:10:21Here's what happened.
00:10:22They brought me on stage.
00:10:23Yes.
00:10:24It was New Year's Eve.
00:10:25I had partied a little.
00:10:28But there was nobody passing out on fucking stage and passing out backstage.
00:10:33That's fucking lying, number one.
00:10:34Number two was that they brought me out right at fucking midnight, right?
00:10:38So I come out and they go, ladies and gentlemen, Sam Kennison.
00:10:40Next thing I hear is 10, 9, 8, 7, say, Happy New Year!
00:10:45So you see how many people here tonight.
00:10:47Everybody had a fucking horn.
00:10:50It was like, woo, woo, happy year!
00:10:52Woo, woo!
00:10:53It was like doing my fucking act in traffic, man.
00:10:58So I'm fucking buzzed out of my fucking mind, man.
00:11:00I'm holding on to speakers and shit, trying to do jokes with 2,500 fucking horns in my face.
00:11:07Woo, woo, happy new year!
00:11:10So anyway, to make up for that, to make up for that, because I love fucking Vegas, man.
00:11:16This town's always been good to me.
00:11:18I want to be here with 19 fucking, when fucking 1999 goes into the year 2000, babe.
00:11:24I want to be right here fucking rocking it in, man.
00:11:27This is one of the reasons I had to stop doing coke.
00:11:34I know, I know, a lot of you are disappointed, going, fuck, Sam, you were hoping you were going to OD with a couple 16-year-olds.
00:11:39I'm sorry.
00:11:41Sorry to disappoint you.
00:11:42No, I had to.
00:11:43I was either give up the coke or give up the heart.
00:11:46You know what I mean, folks?
00:11:48It's not a bad idea, though.
00:11:50Seriously.
00:11:50I don't want to get into an anti-drug thing, but if you're involved with coke, get fucking disinvolved with it, because it's fucking illegal.
00:11:57And, you know, you don't want to go to jail, man.
00:11:58That's the bottom line.
00:12:00Don't go to jail, man.
00:12:02You don't want to be next door.
00:12:03You don't want to be next door to Jim Baker going, oh, oh, does this hurt or what?
00:12:08Oh, it wasn't worth it.
00:12:10It wasn't worth the buzz.
00:12:12Jesus, God, get this dick out of my ass, you know.
00:12:18Oh, people were killing me with that fucking shit, man.
00:12:23I would go to fucking parties, and for some reason, because they think you're in show business,
00:12:27they think you can do supernatural amounts of fucking drugs.
00:12:31A normal guy goes to a party.
00:12:33He's like, hey, we're doing coke.
00:12:34Here, let me get your line.
00:12:35It's about an inch long.
00:12:37Right?
00:12:37I go in to parties.
00:12:38Oh, it's good.
00:12:39I said, no.
00:12:39Oh, here's your line.
00:12:43Go, go, go, go, you know.
00:12:47So, I'm a dumbass, right?
00:12:50I feel like I got to do this.
00:12:52I got to prove who I am, you know.
00:12:53I'm snorting these footlong fucking lines of coke.
00:12:57Yeah, yeah, it's a lot of fun, because now I'm walking around the party for the next four hours.
00:13:01Thanks.
00:13:06Hey, you see?
00:13:07I don't want to bring the party down, but I can't move my left arm, and there's a ringing in my ear.
00:13:11And, you know, I'm rolling it.
00:13:14Does anybody got any downers?
00:13:16I'll drink shoe polish, anything.
00:13:17Just something that'll stop this fucking heart.
00:13:20Don't stop it.
00:13:21Just slow it down, God, please.
00:13:22So, anyway, since March 2nd, this is my 80, I think it's 85 days that I haven't had any shit.
00:13:33Hopefully, we'll be around a long time.
00:13:35Well, I love you, too, man.
00:13:41I just want to be alive to make you laugh, man.
00:13:43That's all.
00:13:43Now, this thing about the gay community.
00:13:50Let's get this fucking shit done out of the way.
00:13:54Now, I know I offended the gays on these last two albums that I did.
00:13:57They said I was in bad taste.
00:14:00They said my jokes were in bad taste.
00:14:03These are guys that lick the shit out of each other's ass on a fucking date telling me my jokes are in bad taste.
00:14:17Now, am I missing something here?
00:14:18These guys tongue fuck each other in the butt for an hour and a half, but you put on a Kennison album, and they can't fucking handle it.
00:14:24It's like, you know, they can suck a dick this long, but I fucking gag them.
00:14:31I make them fucking, you know.
00:14:36Insensitive.
00:14:37They called me insensitive.
00:14:39These are guys that put gerbils and hamsters up their ass.
00:14:47Insensitive.
00:14:47How sensitive, how sensitive can you be if you're putting a live animal in your fucking ass?
00:14:58Jesus fucking Christ, man.
00:15:02I'm insensitive.
00:15:03Yeah, yeah, I'm an animal.
00:15:04I'm out of fucking control.
00:15:06These guys are walking around with eek, eek, eek, eek, eek, eek, eek, coming out of their butts.
00:15:10Fucking little twails twirling around with these fucking animals that are suffocating in their asshole, and I'm fucking psycho.
00:15:17Yeah, watch me.
00:15:19Ban my fucking records, because I'm out of control.
00:15:26Now, I just, seriously, let me ask you something here, because this has been going around, and I just want to see if everybody's part of this.
00:15:32Exactly.
00:15:33Has everybody heard this shit about Richard Gere?
00:15:35Dude, that's fucking intense, man.
00:15:41How many people have heard about Richard Gere having a gerbil in his ass?
00:15:46I swear to God, it's maybe a rumor.
00:15:50I hope it's a rumor.
00:15:52I was in Miami last night.
00:15:54The fucking crowd there went nuts.
00:15:55Well, shit, everybody in the country knows, supposedly, because I don't want to get in trouble.
00:16:01But, supposedly, supposedly, I guess he was in the hospital.
00:16:08Mark, you would probably know, but is this for real?
00:16:11You're a doctor in L.A., it is for real?
00:16:13He had a gerbil in his fucking ass?
00:16:15Two of them?
00:16:22I can't believe it.
00:16:22How good can this fucking feel?
00:16:25Man, I have been drunk, folks.
00:16:27I have been drunk and coked up and fucked up to where I have pissed in my suitcase thinking it was the toilet.
00:16:34To where I lifted the lid of my suitcase and just fucking pissed.
00:16:39Soaked down a $500 fucking red satin robe.
00:16:43Half a suitcase full of my fucking piss.
00:16:46You know, it never occurred to me to put a rodent in my fucking intestinal tract.
00:16:51For a fucking buzz, man.
00:16:52This doctor had to feel fucking weird, man.
00:16:58She went, Richard, listen, I'm a big fan of your work.
00:17:01I enjoy all your movies.
00:17:02I just saw Pretty Woman.
00:17:04But there's a gerbil in your ass.
00:17:10And then the gerbil must have had a great look on his face.
00:17:12Oh, yeah, it's my fault.
00:17:15Oh, yeah, blame me.
00:17:16It was my fucking idea.
00:17:18This is where I wanted to spend a vacation.
00:17:20In this guy's ass.
00:17:22Yeah, yeah, I'm the fucking asshole.
00:17:26Fucking poor gerbils, man.
00:17:29And nobody's doing nothing about it.
00:17:31Nobody gives a shit.
00:17:32You know why?
00:17:32Because they're rodents.
00:17:34People fucking hate rodents.
00:17:36They do.
00:17:37They hate rats.
00:17:38They hate mice.
00:17:38They hate fucking rodents.
00:17:39Now, if they were dolphins.
00:17:41If gays were putting dolphins up their fucking ass.
00:17:44Oh!
00:17:45Oh, would you have a fucking war going on?
00:17:48Every fucking ecology group would be going nuts.
00:17:51All these college people.
00:17:52Everybody.
00:17:52Save the whales organizations.
00:17:55What?
00:17:55What?
00:17:55They're putting dolphins up?
00:17:56Save the dolphins!
00:17:59What about the fucking gerbils, man?
00:18:01It's too late for them in California.
00:18:05You know, you can't even find a gerbil or a hamster in California.
00:18:07They're gone.
00:18:07They're extinct.
00:18:10They're right up there with the fucking American bald eagle.
00:18:12They're gone.
00:18:13You've got to go as far as three, four, five states fucking east to try and find a fucking gerbil or a hamster.
00:18:21These fucking fangs in L.A. and in San Francisco have used them all up.
00:18:24They're dead.
00:18:25They're dead.
00:18:25Nobody cares.
00:18:28In San Francisco, they're down to shaved squirrels and lab mice.
00:18:31That's what they're now doing.
00:18:36See, I didn't know.
00:18:37I didn't know.
00:18:37I didn't know what the Pet Shop Boys were about.
00:18:39I didn't know.
00:18:39I thought it was a weird name for a fucking band.
00:18:43I thought, what a stupid name to call your band, the Pet Shop Boys.
00:18:46Why would you call your band the fucking Pet Shop Boys?
00:18:49I thought, I understand Errol Smith.
00:18:50I understand fucking Bon Jovi.
00:18:52I understand Skid Row.
00:18:55I understand, you know what I mean?
00:18:56Yeah, I understand Guns N' Roses.
00:18:57You'd call your band Guns N' Roses, right?
00:18:59Why would you call your band the fucking Pet Shop Boys?
00:19:03And then I realized that D'Art Tooth, that's where they have to go to buy the animals that they put in their ass.
00:19:08The Pet Shop!
00:19:09It's a secret gay code word saying that we put animals in their ass and we sing Elvis songs!
00:19:19They do, man.
00:19:20They sing fucking Elvis songs with gerbils in their ass, man.
00:19:23Nobody gives a fuck.
00:19:25There's no fucking protest.
00:19:26Nothing, you know.
00:19:27Nobody gives a fuck, man.
00:19:30I'm just glad Elvis is dead.
00:19:32Thank God.
00:19:33Thank God Elvis is dead.
00:19:34Because if he wasn't, he would be so fucking pissed off, man.
00:19:40He'd be in grace saying, what are you trying to say, man?
00:19:43Are you trying to tell me that there's bands out there putting animals in their ass singing my songs?
00:19:46I don't understand them, man.
00:19:49Talk to me about it.
00:19:50Tell me a little bit about it.
00:19:51You mean they walk out there with an animal in their ass and they go,
00:19:54Wise men say,
00:19:56Holy fools rush it.
00:20:03Thank God he's dead.
00:20:04Thank God he's not alive to know this.
00:20:06Ah, fuck.
00:20:09I don't fucking get it, man.
00:20:11Call me a square.
00:20:14Animals in the ass.
00:20:15I don't fucking get it, man.
00:20:17Ah, yeah, sick humor.
00:20:19It gets a lot sicker, folks.
00:20:20This is the fucking family entertainment part of the show.
00:20:25I have a friend.
00:20:26I have a friend that I never do a show in Vegas without because I believe this man justifies and represents a great cause.
00:20:38The kids that Jerry forgot.
00:20:41You heard him on my album.
00:20:43He's become his own little celebrity.
00:20:45He's a man that hates Jerry Lewis.
00:20:48And I know this is Jerry's town.
00:20:50I know they do the telethon here.
00:20:52But this man is one bitter little fucking bastard in a wheelchair that wants Jerry Lewis' ass.
00:20:59He wants to beat him.
00:21:00He wants to bite his dick off.
00:21:02He wants to gnaw on his balls.
00:21:05There's not a lot of kids.
00:21:06He's in a wheelchair.
00:21:07There's not a lot he could actually do to Jerry.
00:21:08But if he was around his dick and balls, he could fucking gnaw on.
00:21:12Like a fucking mad dog.
00:21:16I want to bring him out right now because he's one of my friends for a couple years.
00:21:19He's a very funny kid.
00:21:20I love him.
00:21:21He makes Vegas an event for me.
00:21:23Mr. Doug Beatty.
00:21:25Bring him out, girls.
00:21:26Doug Beatty.
00:21:28Woo.
00:21:29Oh, God damn.
00:21:31With the hottest fucking nurses in Vegas.
00:21:34Not to mention, ladies and gentlemen, this is Malika and Sabrina.
00:21:38Woo.
00:21:39Hello.
00:21:40So, Doug.
00:21:42Doug, I just want to introduce you to the people that may not know you.
00:21:44This is Doug Beatty.
00:21:45How do you feel about Jerry Lewis, Doug?
00:21:47I hate that son of a bitch.
00:21:48I've been doing this goddamn telethon for, what, 30 years now?
00:21:52Made a couple billion dollars?
00:21:54I haven't seen dime one.
00:21:56You haven't seen one fucking dime.
00:21:57How old are you now, Doug?
00:21:5825.
00:21:5925 fucking years.
00:22:00Have you ever been asked to be the poster boy?
00:22:02Never.
00:22:02They wouldn't give me anything.
00:22:04Fucking sons of fucking cunt bitches, man.
00:22:06I hate him.
00:22:07I hate that bastard.
00:22:09I want his ass.
00:22:11Don't get up.
00:22:12Don't get up.
00:22:13Don't get up.
00:22:13Hold him.
00:22:14Hold him.
00:22:15He gets excited, man.
00:22:16Fuck.
00:22:16He starts flying around the room and pissing on people, man.
00:22:18It's not pretty.
00:22:20Dude.
00:22:21Well, I see.
00:22:21You're having fun.
00:22:22It's fucked.
00:22:23Well, listen.
00:22:24You know, I've tried to help.
00:22:25You know that.
00:22:25I've taken Dougie under my wing.
00:22:27I like to call him Sammy's kid.
00:22:30And I like to challenge any of Jerry's kids to take him on.
00:22:33He can beat any of Jerry's kids' fucking asses.
00:22:36I'll kick those fucking asses, man.
00:22:38I got them all.
00:22:39I'll get them.
00:22:40You can take on Jerry's toughest kid, couldn't you?
00:22:42Yeah.
00:22:43I'll kick his fucking ass.
00:22:44I'll kick his fucking ass.
00:22:48I'm sorry, folks.
00:22:49I love this fucking shit, man.
00:22:51I would love to see that.
00:22:53But fuck the Incredible Hulk.
00:22:56You know what I mean?
00:22:56Fuck the Hulk and the fucking Big Boss, man.
00:22:58I'd like to see you take on one of Jerry's kids and beat his fucking ass.
00:23:02Wheelchair for wheelchair.
00:23:03I'll do it, man.
00:23:04Anytime, anyplace.
00:23:06Anywhere.
00:23:07How much money do they raise?
00:23:09How much money do they raise every year on this telethon?
00:23:11About 30, 40 million a year.
00:23:13And there's no cure?
00:23:14Nothing.
00:23:15There's nothing.
00:23:16I haven't seen a fucking thing.
00:23:17The cash is a fucking cure, Jerry.
00:23:19So what you're saying is you'd rather have the cash or the cure.
00:23:23They're not going to give you the cure.
00:23:25At least give you a little cash to party on while you're waiting on the fucking cure, right?
00:23:28Yeah.
00:23:29Let me party.
00:23:30Have some fun, you know?
00:23:31That makes sense.
00:23:33So what have I done for you?
00:23:34Tell me what I've done for you.
00:23:35It's been great.
00:23:36Took me how to trick you in.
00:23:37Got my dick sucked.
00:23:38We party, you know?
00:23:40That's right.
00:23:42Hey, that's right.
00:23:43I've got him special medication.
00:23:48Only the best.
00:23:49Only the best.
00:23:51Hey, man.
00:23:52Fuck it, man.
00:23:52The guy deserves the party.
00:23:54Don't you think so?
00:23:55Fucking sit around for some mythical cure.
00:23:57Drink it.
00:23:58Duck painting, ladies and gentlemen.
00:24:00A man who challenges Jerry's fucking good.
00:24:04All right, girls.
00:24:05Oh, you tight fucking nasty bitches.
00:24:07Jesus God.
00:24:08Now, there would be a pay-per-view event.
00:24:15Doug Beatty takes on any of Jerry's fucking kids.
00:24:20Hey, he's fucked up.
00:24:21He's in a wheelchair.
00:24:22Come on.
00:24:22Come on.
00:24:23I'll fucking promote it.
00:24:25I'll promote his fucking fight, man.
00:24:28Oh, he hates Jerry Lewis, man.
00:24:31I know people have the people laughing.
00:24:32The other half's going, what kind of fucking jokes are these?
00:24:35Jesus God, this is the sickest fucking comedy I've ever seen.
00:24:42Well, it was either this or Jay Leno, folks.
00:24:45I think you made the right move myself.
00:24:51Where else are you going to see a kid in a wheelchair?
00:24:53I think he's got a fucking valid complaint, man.
00:24:55If I was fucked up and I was in a wheelchair, I'd go, fuck it.
00:24:58If there's no cure, give me some money to where I could get my dick sucked,
00:25:02to where I could take some fucking 10 milligram volumes all day
00:25:05and have some fucking beer and wait for the fucking cure.
00:25:09What is wrong with that?
00:25:10I think it's a great thing to catch or the cure.
00:25:15Is he even in charge of the telethon anymore?
00:25:18Not this time?
00:25:21Well, fuck.
00:25:21I wonder if I could take it over.
00:25:24I wonder if they'd let me.
00:25:25I wonder if I...
00:25:26Yeah, Sam Kinison.
00:25:27Sam Kinison takes over the fucking telethon.
00:25:29Never know.
00:25:31Sammy's kids.
00:25:32Oh, I'd get them fucked up, man.
00:25:33I'd help them out.
00:25:35I'd get them the right medication.
00:25:42Oh, God.
00:25:44I'm having so much fun.
00:25:46It's so good to be back at Bally's, man.
00:25:48I'm telling you, man.
00:25:48I'm having a blast.
00:25:49Got a lot of surprises.
00:25:55It's great to be fucking strained.
00:25:57Well, it's all right.
00:25:59You know, I still do amyl nitrate.
00:26:03That's my favorite fucking...
00:26:04That's the best.
00:26:06That's one of the reasons I come to Vegas.
00:26:07You can buy it here.
00:26:09If you haven't bought any, go to an adult bookstore.
00:26:11There's a great one right down the fucking street here on the Strip.
00:26:14It's right like in this little mall.
00:26:15I don't know the name of it, but it's like big fucking bright lights, an adult arcade.
00:26:19This woman...
00:26:19What this girl knows.
00:26:21What is it?
00:26:22Which one is it?
00:26:24What is it?
00:26:26The general store?
00:26:27And they sell amyl nitrate?
00:26:29They don't have poppers by any chance, do they?
00:26:32Oh, dude.
00:26:33Dude, if I could get some poppers, I would be such a happy man.
00:26:37For you people that don't know what I'm talking about.
00:26:39I'm serious.
00:26:39I know I've pushed this before.
00:26:42Seriously.
00:26:43While you can, get a bottle of amyl nitrate.
00:26:46Because I don't know how much longer it'll be legal enough to buy.
00:26:48But get a bottle of this and have sex on this stuff.
00:26:51It is the best.
00:26:52It is the best sex you will ever have in your life.
00:26:54You've never fucked like this in your life.
00:26:57It's the best stuff, man.
00:26:59Now, the reason why it's not completely legal is that there's a little sign on the bottle that says,
00:27:05Do not inhale.
00:27:06Now, what that means is...
00:27:07You know, don't believe everything you fucking read, folks.
00:27:13What that means is, don't drink the fucking shit.
00:27:16Because if you do, you know, you'll fucking grow horns out your ass and you'll be the first centaur on your block.
00:27:24You know.
00:27:26Get some of this stuff, man.
00:27:28Smell it.
00:27:29There is a little cardiovascular damage to the heart.
00:27:32A little.
00:27:33You fucking babies.
00:27:35There's a little.
00:27:35That's all.
00:27:37It's not a lot.
00:27:38It's just a little fucking cardiovascular damage.
00:27:42And it doesn't bother you now.
00:27:44It takes years off of your life later on.
00:27:47When you're ready to fucking die.
00:27:50When you're over 80 years old and you're going,
00:27:52You know, I've had enough time here.
00:27:53I've had enough fun.
00:27:54I'm ready to lay down.
00:27:56My theory about life is, if it hurts to pee, it's time to die.
00:27:59That's my fucking theory in life.
00:28:00I swear to God.
00:28:03I was right here at Bally's, New Year's Eve, around that time.
00:28:06I went in the men's room.
00:28:08And this kills me.
00:28:09Because Bally's is great.
00:28:10It's a killer casino.
00:28:10Very pretty.
00:28:11Gorgeous.
00:28:12But you go in the fucking men's room.
00:28:13It's like any other fucking men's room.
00:28:15You've got that open fucking piss trough.
00:28:18Like you're in Dodge City.
00:28:20You know what I mean?
00:28:21Like you're cattle barons.
00:28:24Seriously, man.
00:28:25Like we're fucking cattle.
00:28:26And women don't understand.
00:28:27It's hard to pee when there's other guys around you.
00:28:31You could go in there and just be beating your fucking knees together.
00:28:34Going, God, I've got to piss.
00:28:35You go in.
00:28:36Here's an open fucking piss trough.
00:28:38I'm sorry, man.
00:28:39I hate to do this joke right in front of your face.
00:28:41Because it looks like you're the piss trough.
00:28:42But there's an open fucking piss trough.
00:28:45And then guys, am I telling the truth?
00:28:46You sit there and you've got to pee.
00:28:47And you look over and there's all these guys.
00:28:49And the fucking dick will not work, man.
00:28:52You can't pee.
00:28:53You sit there going, oh, eek, oh.
00:28:57You women don't fucking understand.
00:28:59And you've got your little fucking booths and your little latch.
00:29:02Your privacy.
00:29:04Your toilet paper is folded to a little point.
00:29:08You know, we're treated.
00:29:09I'd like to see you fucking women go in a bathroom.
00:29:11And all this is an open trench that you have to stick your butt over and take a piss.
00:29:15Hi.
00:29:16Hey.
00:29:16How you doing?
00:29:19Boy, the comedian's really funny, isn't he?
00:29:21And then you'd understand what I'm talking about.
00:29:26So anyway, I'm in there, right?
00:29:28And I'm taking a piss.
00:29:29This old guy comes in.
00:29:30He has to be 80 years old.
00:29:31The guy grabs the wall.
00:29:35He grabs the fucking wall.
00:29:36And he goes, oh.
00:29:40Oh.
00:29:44Oh.
00:29:44And I'm sitting there going, Jesus Christ.
00:29:46It sounded like they were pulling a sword out of his ass.
00:29:49And all the guy's doing is taking a piss.
00:29:52All he is doing is taking a piss.
00:29:54And he's like, he's in pain.
00:29:55He's like, oh.
00:29:56Oh, God.
00:29:58I'm sitting there going, God, if I'm ever that old, if it hurts to fucking pee, it's time to die.
00:30:03I think the Indians knew this.
00:30:05I do.
00:30:05I think the Indians knew it.
00:30:07I think the Indians went, uh-oh.
00:30:09Pee-pee hurt.
00:30:10Time to die.
00:30:12Time to go to the Great Mountain and sit in the circle of great men.
00:30:15And, uh, un-fucking-believable, man.
00:30:19Get a bottle of this stuff.
00:30:20You won't have to worry about it.
00:30:21You won't live that long.
00:30:23You'll check out of your late 60s, early 70s.
00:30:26It is the best stuff.
00:30:27I wouldn't lie to you.
00:30:28Not three times in a row.
00:30:29Not right in your face.
00:30:32Isn't it?
00:30:32Have you ever had sex on it?
00:30:34It's great, isn't it?
00:30:35Who am I talking to?
00:30:36You?
00:30:37Darling, isn't it?
00:30:38Oh, dude.
00:30:38Is it the best, man?
00:30:40You get a little bottle.
00:30:41I'll tell you the best thing about it, right?
00:30:42You keep it on the nightstand next to your bed.
00:30:44You're fucking your woman.
00:30:45I hope it's a woman.
00:30:50I hope you're not doing that fucking drunk buddy fucking bullshit, man.
00:30:55Jesus Christ.
00:30:56That's what cowboys used to do, you know.
00:30:58Out here in the old west.
00:30:59Yeah, what they used to do, they used to have a fucking bottle of whiskey.
00:31:02They'd sit around the campfire and they'd keep drinking and they'd go,
00:31:04whoever passes out first gets fucked.
00:31:08You just go right ahead, mister.
00:31:09I can hold my liquor.
00:31:12I swear to God, man.
00:31:13Anyway, try to make it a fucking woman if you can, all right?
00:31:17You're making love to your woman.
00:31:18You've had your sex.
00:31:19You've had fun.
00:31:20It's been fucking fun.
00:31:21It's been exciting.
00:31:22You reach over and you grab the little bottle.
00:31:24You take the top off.
00:31:26You smell it.
00:31:28All right?
00:31:28While you're still inside her, you smell it.
00:31:31And then you offer it to her.
00:31:33And if she says, what's that?
00:31:36Oh!
00:31:38Oh!
00:31:38Those are magical words, aren't they?
00:31:41My God, that is the closest thing to a virgin many of us will come to in life.
00:31:44If she says those magical words, what's that?
00:31:51It's like, you know, it's the same situation when you finally have to ask the girl if you
00:31:59are the biggest cock that she's ever had.
00:32:02You guys know what I'm talking about.
00:32:03Don't fucking give me that look.
00:32:04We all want to know.
00:32:07Come on, man.
00:32:08This is 19 fucking 90.
00:32:10You know women sleep around.
00:32:11They slept around before you.
00:32:13And every guy has to ask that fucking question.
00:32:15You know that.
00:32:16Eventually.
00:32:17I don't care how long you go with a woman.
00:32:18Eventually you have to go, listen, honey.
00:32:20I'm just kind of curious.
00:32:25Am I the, well, let's see.
00:32:28How can I put this?
00:32:30Have you ever had anybody that was like, bigger than me?
00:32:40Now, girls, the correct answer is, bigger than you.
00:32:46You mean they make them bigger than you?
00:32:51Oh, oh, oh, that's the fucking correct answer.
00:32:55That'll get you a fucking diamond ring, ladies.
00:32:58That will get you a fucking diamond ring.
00:33:00That'll get you that bracelet, the necklace.
00:33:02But a lot of guys don't get that fucking answer.
00:33:08A lot of guys get the answer.
00:33:10The other answer is like, well, yeah, there was this one guy.
00:33:12And you go.
00:33:20Yeah.
00:33:23Oh, that's the worst.
00:33:24Oh, don't fucking laugh, Jeremy.
00:33:26Fuck you, you asshole.
00:33:28Ron fucking Jeremy, ladies and gentlemen, over in the corner.
00:33:31A man with possibly the biggest dick in the fucking world, smart ass.
00:33:38You fucking son of a bitch.
00:33:40Fuck you.
00:33:42Well, at least that fucking John Holmes is dead.
00:33:44Fuck his fucking ass.
00:33:45I'm glad he's dead.
00:33:47God, was he a pain in the ass or what?
00:33:49You remember John Holmes?
00:33:51The guy with the biggest fucking conk in the fucking world.
00:33:53I'm so glad that son of a bitch is fucking dead.
00:33:56We hate guys with big dicks.
00:33:59Don't we, guys?
00:34:00Do we hate them?
00:34:02You may not get out of here alive, Ron.
00:34:07Now, Ron's all right.
00:34:08John Holmes used to piss me off.
00:34:09Because girls would fucking, of course, see these videos with this guy with this fucking dick
00:34:14that looked like it was from a fucking other planet, you know?
00:34:17It looked like he beat off around radioactive material when he was a kid.
00:34:23He looked like he had the dick of the 50-foot fucking one-eyed psychops or something.
00:34:29And girls would always give you that shit, man, you know?
00:34:35The girls, you know, they'd see that video and they'd go,
00:34:37Honey, how come your dick's not like that?
00:34:44It's like, I don't know.
00:34:45I don't know, honey.
00:34:45I guess I didn't live close enough to a fucking plutonium plant.
00:34:48Maybe that was it.
00:34:50I'll tell you what.
00:34:51The next time I'm around some radioactive material, I'll take out my dick and balls and rub it all over.
00:34:54Maybe I'll mutate into a larger cock.
00:34:57Maybe that'll make you fucking happy, you fucking bitch.
00:35:02You guys know what I'm talking about.
00:35:03What is a guy's fucking act?
00:35:06I love women too.
00:35:07Shit, what are you going to do?
00:35:08That's it.
00:35:09Get a bottle of this fucking stuff.
00:35:12We're back on the bottle, all right?
00:35:14If she says, What is that?
00:35:17You go, Hey, just trust me.
00:35:18Smell it.
00:35:19Just smell it.
00:35:19Give her a little whiff.
00:35:21Let her smell it.
00:35:22Then you take it back.
00:35:22You smell it again.
00:35:23You put the top back on it very tightly.
00:35:26Because you don't want the stuff to fucking spill, man.
00:35:29Put it on the fucking nightstand.
00:35:31And then, fuck, man.
00:35:34I mean, is this the best?
00:35:36It's the fucking best sex.
00:35:37You fuck like you're sore.
00:35:38Fuck her from the 15th century.
00:35:42Oh, you tear this pussy up.
00:35:45You tear the pussy fucking up, ladies and gentlemen.
00:35:49And you know what the best thing is?
00:35:50You shoot.
00:35:50You shoot.
00:35:52I know a lot of guys go, What?
00:35:54What?
00:35:54You shoot?
00:35:55Yes.
00:35:57Hard to believe it is.
00:35:57Men are a...
00:35:58Shoot.
00:36:00It's not that Heinz 57 fucking...
00:36:02It's coming.
00:36:06It's coming.
00:36:06Hold on.
00:36:08No.
00:36:09No, you use amal nitrate, man.
00:36:11You fucking shoot.
00:36:11You hit her in the fucking face, over the fucking shoulder.
00:36:15Sometimes you miss her head completely and hit the fucking pillow.
00:36:18You want to keep a tape measure next to your bed just so you can measure it.
00:36:21You go, My God.
00:36:22My God.
00:36:2322 fucking inches.
00:36:25Look at this.
00:36:27Honey, it's a new record.
00:36:31And plus, you know, if you're at a hotel, it sounds great next door.
00:36:35Because you're fucking...
00:36:36The people next door go, What?
00:36:37Did you hear what I heard?
00:36:39Something about 22 fucking inches.
00:36:40Did you hear that?
00:36:41Jesus Christ.
00:36:45Listen, I want to talk to you about something that's a new part of my life.
00:36:50Something that I've been recently doing.
00:36:53Yeah, sobriety.
00:36:54Yeah.
00:36:54We covered that.
00:36:57I think...
00:36:58And I'm going to get a little heat on this.
00:36:59But go with me on this for a second, guys.
00:37:01I think it's time that as men and as gentlemen, that we shouldn't come in women's mouths anymore.
00:37:09I think it's rude.
00:37:10Oh, I knew it.
00:37:11I knew it.
00:37:12Oh, yeah.
00:37:13Turn on me.
00:37:15You fucking traitors.
00:37:16God damn you.
00:37:18Here I try to be polite.
00:37:20I try to do a fucking gentlemanly gesture.
00:37:23I just think it's rude, man.
00:37:25I think it's so fucking rude to just blow a load in a woman's mouth.
00:37:29No warning.
00:37:30Don't tell her.
00:37:32Maybe it doesn't bother you guys.
00:37:34Does it bother you guys?
00:37:35Well, it bothers me.
00:37:39Maybe you can handle it.
00:37:40I'm sitting there and a girl's blowing me.
00:37:42And I, you know, when I hear her make that noise and she goes...
00:37:45That fucking gets to me, man.
00:37:52And they always do it like that.
00:37:55I have to see a girl go...
00:37:56It's always that fucking...
00:38:02You know.
00:38:05It's always those kind of fucking noises.
00:38:06The fucking eyes and their eye...
00:38:10The water fucking builds up in their eye.
00:38:12And a little tear comes down their face from the pressure in their face.
00:38:17And guys won't tell you.
00:38:19You know that, ladies.
00:38:19Guys won't tell you when they're coming.
00:38:20They won't tell you.
00:38:22You're blowing them.
00:38:23You're sucking their dick.
00:38:24And all of a sudden, they're jerking.
00:38:26They're fucking trembling.
00:38:27They're tensing up.
00:38:27Their fucking lips acting like Billy Idols.
00:38:29You know.
00:38:30They're doing all this shit.
00:38:33And the girl's like...
00:38:34The girl's like...
00:38:35Hey.
00:38:35Hey.
00:38:36Are you okay?
00:38:38Is everything all right, honey?
00:38:40The guy's like...
00:38:41Yeah.
00:38:42Yeah.
00:38:42Everything's fine, honey.
00:38:43Everything's fine.
00:38:43Just keep sucking.
00:38:45And you're sucking.
00:38:45All of a sudden, you feel this hand on the back of your head.
00:38:47You're going...
00:38:47What's this?
00:38:48Oh, I can't get out.
00:38:49Oh.
00:38:50Oh.
00:38:53So fucking rude.
00:38:54Oh.
00:38:56Oh, it's fucking rude.
00:39:00Oh, it's so rude, man.
00:39:05How many women...
00:39:06Seriously, let me ask you.
00:39:07How many women think guys should not come in your mouth?
00:39:09How many women?
00:39:14Okay, wait.
00:39:15All right.
00:39:15We're going to give the chance for the opposing view.
00:39:18How many women say,
00:39:19Well, Sam, if I love my man, I'll do anything for him.
00:39:22I'll even swallow for him.
00:39:23How many women will swallow for their man?
00:39:27Woo!
00:39:28Well, then, let me fucking apologize for the first part of this bit.
00:39:35I was wrong, obviously.
00:39:38How many women will swallow for the man they love?
00:39:43God damn.
00:39:44This is Vegas.
00:39:46The 24-hour swallow town.
00:39:48So I guess, basically, this is like the swallow capital of fucking Nevada.
00:39:53Is that what you're telling me?
00:39:57That should be the fucking commercial here.
00:39:59Hello.
00:39:59Welcome to Las Vegas.
00:40:02Home of the swallow.
00:40:03This must have been where they came up with that.
00:40:11This must have been where 7-Eleven came up with that big gulp idea, huh?
00:40:16The big gulp campaign, Bill.
00:40:18It had to be fucking invented right here.
00:40:20There was probably a 7-Eleven convention right here in Vegas.
00:40:23Somebody was blowing, going, and the guy went, wait a second.
00:40:31I think I know how to sell that 32-ounce fucking drink for 7-Eleven.
00:40:34We call it the big gulp.
00:40:37Oh, come on.
00:40:39Yeah, yeah, like the Slurpee didn't have a double innuendo to it, huh?
00:40:43Oh, God, the Slurpee.
00:40:52I'm sorry, folks.
00:40:53I crack myself up on time to time.
00:40:56I enjoy my work so much that I laugh at my own material sometimes.
00:41:02Are you having any fun, Las Vegas?
00:41:06Whoa, yes!
00:41:09Okay, I think you know what time it is.
00:41:11It's time to make the phone call.
00:41:17Yes.
00:41:19It's time that we find some fucking poor, tormented, sick fucking bastard in the audience.
00:41:26Look at you.
00:41:27Ouch.
00:41:30Okay, guys.
00:41:32You may want to use lewds later, you know what I mean?
00:41:35Because how can they say no if they can't even form words?
00:41:39I think you mind if I fuck in the ass?
00:41:40Oh, sound like yes to me.
00:41:45Can my friends fuck you do?
00:41:47Come on, guys.
00:41:49Come on.
00:41:49You want some party?
00:41:52Oh, no.
00:41:53If you haven't heard my new album, it's called Leader of the Band.
00:41:55I do a thing on it that I've done on my shows where I try to find a guy in the audience
00:41:59that has a story that has a story that is so fucking tormented that it's about a man that has went through hell.
00:42:09And we like...
00:42:09Matter of fact, I recorded my album right here in this fucking room.
00:42:12Leader of the Band was recorded here at Bally's.
00:42:14You think I'm sucking enough Bally's dick tonight?
00:42:19I love Bally's.
00:42:21I love Bally's.
00:42:22All right.
00:42:25But what I want is I want a man with a story about a bitch who broke his heart.
00:42:28And you must have the phone number.
00:42:30And the audience must agree that this fucking bitch deserves us to call her up
00:42:35and kick her fucking ass over the phone.
00:42:38You must agree.
00:42:42I need a man with a story.
00:42:43Have you got a story, sir?
00:42:44What's your name?
00:42:45Everybody's pointing at you.
00:42:48What's your name, man?
00:42:50John?
00:42:51Well, I'm glad you're dressed up for the show, pal.
00:42:53It's all right.
00:42:54Out of town, huh?
00:42:55All right.
00:42:56Oh, cool, dude.
00:42:58No, I'm teaching that.
00:42:58No, you look local.
00:42:59You look like, you know, you just got off work and thought you might catch the Kennison show.
00:43:02Good move.
00:43:03So what's the girl's name and what does she do to you?
00:43:09Becky John.
00:43:10Becky?
00:43:10What did Becky do to you, man?
00:43:13Fuck me over good.
00:43:14Well, yeah, but I mean, was there like a particular incident or?
00:43:18Are you on medication right now, man?
00:43:23Hey, dude, thanks.
00:43:25Well, thanks, man.
00:43:26Pleasure to meet you, dude.
00:43:27All right.
00:43:29Three years of fucking hell, man.
00:43:31Three years of hell?
00:43:31All right.
00:43:32You're our first contender.
00:43:32We need another story.
00:43:34We need a man that has another story.
00:43:38All right, guy.
00:43:38Talk to me right over here.
00:43:39Talk to me.
00:43:40What's your name?
00:43:42Jerry.
00:43:42How you doing, babe?
00:43:44All right.
00:43:44What's your what's the girl's name?
00:43:46Kim?
00:43:47What did Kim do to you, man?
00:43:48I was in the Coast Guard and I thought I was in love.
00:43:50And I came home from group camp and she told me that her girlfriend was more than just red.
00:43:55Wow.
00:43:57That's pretty good.
00:43:59That's pretty fucking rude.
00:44:00Contender number two.
00:44:02We got a man here with his hand up.
00:44:04What's your name, sir?
00:44:05Dave.
00:44:06All right, Dave.
00:44:07What's your problem?
00:44:07What did your girl do to you?
00:44:08I went into work and I caught my girlfriend fucking my boss.
00:44:12Oh!
00:44:13Whoa!
00:44:15Whoa!
00:44:17Whoa!
00:44:19That's fucking rude.
00:44:20Are you serious?
00:44:21Your bitch was fucking your fucking boss?
00:44:24Do you still have your job?
00:44:27I didn't think so.
00:44:29What a cunt, man.
00:44:32Which one should we call, audience?
00:44:35You want to call it?
00:44:36The one that fucked his boss?
00:44:42Dude, will you help me make the call?
00:44:44I think he should fucking make the call with me!
00:44:47All right, wait a second, Dave.
00:44:50All right, thanks, guys.
00:44:51Thanks a lot.
00:44:52Bring me the phone, bitches!
00:44:55Bring me the fucking phone!
00:44:57Come on up here, Dave.
00:44:58Bill, get Dave.
00:44:58Bring him on up here.
00:45:02Nice pants if you work for Zigfield and Roy.
00:45:05That's pretty hot out of it.
00:45:06All right, so...
00:45:07Jesus Christ.
00:45:07Where did you get these fucking boots, dude?
00:45:12Oh, my God!
00:45:13Fuck you!
00:45:14Jesus Christ!
00:45:17Woo!
00:45:18Oh, man.
00:45:19I love you girls so fucking much.
00:45:21God damn it.
00:45:22By the way, do you guys think girls should swallow?
00:45:26Hey, hey, hey, hey!
00:45:28All right.
00:45:29Well, we asked everybody else.
00:45:31Okay, Dave.
00:45:32Here's what I'm going to do.
00:45:33First of all, give...
00:45:35Who's going to give...
00:45:36Do we have some, Bill?
00:45:37Gavin?
00:45:38We need somebody to get the phone number.
00:45:40Or you can give it to the girls, maybe.
00:45:41But here's what I'm going to do.
00:45:43Have you ever seen me do this bit?
00:45:44Do you know what I'm talking about?
00:45:45Yeah, I think so.
00:45:45Here's what I want to do.
00:45:46I want to coach you.
00:45:47I'll talk to her first.
00:45:49And I'll make sure it's her...
00:45:50What's her name?
00:45:51Liz.
00:45:51Liz.
00:45:52Okay, we're going to get Liz on the phone if she's home.
00:45:54I'm going to call her up and say,
00:45:55Hey, this is Sam Kennison.
00:45:57I'm here with a guy named Dave.
00:45:59And he says that when you were his girlfriend,
00:46:01that something went on with his boss and you.
00:46:06Okay?
00:46:06Okay.
00:46:07At that point, I'm going to give the phone to you.
00:46:10And I want you to call her every fucking thing you can think of, man.
00:46:14I want you to be Sam Kennison.
00:46:17Because I've done it.
00:46:17I mean, I can do it.
00:46:19But it's not as fun if I fucking do it.
00:46:21If you need any help, I'll take the phone from you.
00:46:23But what I would like you to do is I'd like you to grab the phone and just go,
00:46:26Hey, yeah!
00:46:26You're a fucking gun!
00:46:28And I'm here with 3,000 people!
00:46:30And they all know you're a whore!
00:46:32Here, give it a chance.
00:46:32Just act like this is the phone and like you're doing it right now.
00:46:37Okay, Liz, here he is.
00:46:39You fucking bitch!
00:46:40I walked in on you.
00:46:41Screwing my boss.
00:46:42I hate your fucking guts.
00:46:45That's not bad.
00:46:46A little more pain.
00:46:47A little more fucking pain.
00:46:48What do we have on the phone?
00:46:49Hello?
00:46:49Oh, shit.
00:46:51Hello?
00:46:51Hello?
00:46:52Is this Liz?
00:46:53Yes, this is she.
00:46:57Hi, Liz.
00:46:59Hi, Liz.
00:47:00Hello?
00:47:01This is Sam Kennison.
00:47:02Who?
00:47:03Yeah, Sam Kennison.
00:47:04I'm a comedian.
00:47:05I'm down at Bally's.
00:47:06And we're having fun.
00:47:07You're kidding.
00:47:08No, and you're kind of a winner of a special prize.
00:47:12Do we like Liz, ladies and gentlemen?
00:47:14Yes!
00:47:17Liz, we got somebody here.
00:47:18Do you remember that show, Liz?
00:47:19This is Your Life?
00:47:21Yes.
00:47:22Well, this is kind of a phone version of that show.
00:47:24This is Your Life.
00:47:25We have a guy here that says that when you were his girlfriend,
00:47:29that he taught you.
00:47:30Uh, well, I'll let him tell you, okay?
00:47:34See if you recognize his voice.
00:47:36Yeah, Liz?
00:47:38This is Dave.
00:47:39What do you want?
00:47:40Oh, what do I want?
00:47:43What do I want?
00:47:45What about when I walked into the inventory room
00:47:47and you were fucking Mike, my boss, on a box of socks,
00:47:50you fucking whore?
00:47:51I bought you fucking jewelry.
00:47:54I bought you boots.
00:47:56You're a fucking kind.
00:47:57You deserve that down.
00:47:58You fucking bitch.
00:47:59How do you live with yourself, you fucking pussy?
00:48:01I'm your pussy.
00:48:02He walks on a phone retorted.
00:48:04Go to hell and burn, bitch.
00:48:06Suck my fucking dick.
00:48:08You fucking dick.
00:48:09You fucking dick.
00:48:11Suck it, man.
00:48:12You dick.
00:48:13Fuck you.
00:48:14Hang it up.
00:48:15All right.
00:48:16Good fucking work, Dave.
00:48:18Good work.
00:48:19Yes, yes.
00:48:21Woo.
00:48:21Follow the girls, Dave.
00:48:22Follow the fucking girls.
00:48:25Another hand for Dave, ladies and gentlemen.
00:48:30Woo.
00:48:33Well, I'm sure we won't get sued for that.
00:48:37Oh, yeah.
00:48:37Bring out the piano.
00:48:40I'll tell you, a moment like that's pretty romantic, isn't it?
00:48:43When you hear lovers talk.
00:48:46Oh, this is great.
00:48:47Who do I give this mic to?
00:48:49This is so cool.
00:48:50I'm giving you guys a fucking show tonight, man.
00:48:52I'm making it up for New Year's Eve.
00:48:53All right?
00:49:00Ah, yeah.
00:49:01I haven't done this in a long fucking time, man.
00:49:04Ah, that was too fucking funny.
00:49:06This goes out to Liz.
00:49:07Well, you know, when you hear lovers talk like that.
00:49:19When you hear that special romantic tone.
00:49:21It just reminds me of my own life.
00:49:26It just reminds me of my own life.
00:49:29I think every guy here has had that kind of girl.
00:49:33Of course, I never called mine fucking my boss.
00:49:35But on a box of socks?
00:49:40That makes sense.
00:49:41So it would be soft.
00:49:42It'd probably be, you know.
00:49:44He must be backstage right now just fucking reliving the whole fucking thing, man.
00:49:47Anyway, this is what we call the romantic blues part of the show here.
00:49:58And I used to do this bit on my first album.
00:50:01It was called Louder Than Hell.
00:50:03And I wrote a love song.
00:50:06And it was about people that, you know,
00:50:08started out being in love, but they ran out of cash.
00:50:14You know what I'm talking about.
00:50:15I mean, money kicks people's ass, man.
00:50:17It's hard to be in love and not have any fucking money.
00:50:21And I hate to reduce it to that, but it's so fucking true.
00:50:25And I had a girl once.
00:50:26Her name was Kate.
00:50:28We're going back a few years.
00:50:30But she was like one of the great loves in my life.
00:50:32And I remember when I first got into show business,
00:50:35we were both going to move to Los Angeles.
00:50:39And I was going to try and make it as a stand-up comic.
00:50:41And then she found out I was broke.
00:50:44And she came to me one day and she started talking to me.
00:50:46She said, Sam, you know, things aren't the same.
00:50:51There's something missing.
00:50:53I said, what the fuck's that?
00:50:54The cash?
00:50:54She said, no, it's just the love.
00:50:58It's the passion.
00:51:00It just doesn't feel the same anymore.
00:51:03Well, that was basically how I felt.
00:51:06And I thought, how do you put bullshit into a song and still make it romantic?
00:51:09Because a lot of people think love songs should go something like,
00:51:14This time we almost made the piece of Spitz bullshit.
00:51:22See, it doesn't work that way.
00:51:27But there is a great fucking old-time fucking love song.
00:51:30And this goes out to fucking Liz.
00:51:32And it goes out to every guy that's ever had a fucking bitch break their fucking heart.
00:51:36Guys!
00:51:37One, two, one, two, three, four!
00:51:40One, two, three, four!
00:52:07Are you having any fun, Las Vegas?
00:52:22You make me cry when you said goodbye
00:52:29Ain't that the same without your deflame
00:52:35Ain't that the same, You're the one to blame
00:52:43Well you brought my heart, And I wear upon ain't that a fucking shame
00:52:53And you're the blame, Ain't that the same
00:53:01My tears fall and cry, Go Randy
00:53:07You're the one to blame, Ain't that the same, You're the one to blame
00:53:13You're the one to blame
00:53:15You're the one to blame
00:53:17I'm the one to blame
00:53:23I'm the one to blame
00:53:25You're the one to blame
00:53:27Oh, you made me cry when you said goodbye.
00:53:57Ain't that a shame, my tears fall like rain. Ain't that a shame, you're the one to fucking blame.
00:54:13Oh, you made me cry when you said goodbye.
00:54:41Ain't that a shame, ain't that a shame. Ain't that a shame, you're the one to fucking blame.
00:54:56Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:55:03Yeah, yeah, yeah!
00:55:15Yeah, yeah!
00:55:17Yeah, yeah!
00:55:19Yeah!
00:55:33Oh! Are you having any fun, Las Vegas?
00:55:59I want to introduce you right now to my man.
00:56:02I want to give him a feature solo spot.
00:56:04This is Mr. Randy Hanson, our feature guitar player,
00:56:07doing his tribute to Jimmy Hendrix!
00:56:32If you do not have a feature solo spot,
00:56:34you would just like to take your chance and discute up.
00:56:35Now, let's see if I can't do it!
00:56:37Don't be afraid to hear what we are going to do!
00:56:39If you are interested in a new device,
00:56:41you are looking at all the greatest others!
00:56:43As you can see,
00:56:44you are looking at the beautiful little star.
00:56:45This is some of the greatest things you may have since the world!
01:10:56Let's turn it on!