Quipster Josh Blue hits the stage at Minneapolis' Varsity Theater, where he turns his cerebral palsy and cross-cultural marriage into comedy gold.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
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00:00Varsity Theatre, would you please welcome Josh Blue!
00:30Alright, so look, I want to tell you guys something about myself that I think a lot of people
00:43don't know about me.
00:44I wasn't born here in the United States, I was actually born in Cameroon, West Africa.
00:53Yeah, my dad was over there teaching English, and my mom was there too.
01:09Guess that's how that works.
01:15Apparently a lot better than me trying to do that shit, huh?
01:20But I've got to tell you this, I don't think my parents were necessarily expecting me.
01:29Anyway, I just don't think they were planning on giving birth, you know, in Africa.
01:37What they think was going to happen.
01:42You know, Africa's not really known for its medical facilities.
01:51Today, but 32 years ago, fucking buckle up!
02:04I don't have the right tools, you know.
02:10And I was like, oh, the baby's coming, get the shovel!
02:17Obviously when I was born, there were some complications, and when I came out, was a comedian.
02:33You guys didn't know what I was going to say, did you?
02:45I could hear all your assholes close at once.
02:52This is awkward and uncomfortable.
02:59Comedian, oh thank God, okay.
03:06I've got to tell you though, I'm glad I was born in Africa.
03:09Because I got to learn a lot of stuff about the world.
03:11I got to realize that just because I have a physical disability, doesn't mean that I don't have a bunch of other spectacular things in my life.
03:22Like, food, shoes, you know, it's really even cooler than that though, is what I realized is that now that I live here in the US, and I was born in Africa, technically that makes me African American.
03:51I'm going to be president.
03:52I got to tell you, it's awesome being African American.
03:53I got to tell you, it's awesome being African American.
03:58Especially a white one.
03:59I am pretty sure that has made it quite a bit easier on me, you know what I mean?
04:05I don't get pulled over for no reason.
04:06I got to tell you.
04:07I'm going to be president.
04:08I got to tell you, it's awesome being African American.
04:13I got to tell you, it's awesome being African American, man.
04:18Especially a white one.
04:20I am pretty sure that has made it quite a bit easier on me, you know what I mean?
04:31I don't get pulled over for no reason.
04:36But when I do, I have lots of fun with it.
04:40You know I pulled you over?
04:41Yeah, because I'm African American.
04:46No, that's not why, no.
04:53You're driving on the sidewalk.
04:59Touche.
05:05Meanwhile, this arm's rummaging in the glove box.
05:12I'm not affiliated with him.
05:15I don't really drive.
05:28You guys should all be glad for that.
05:33I try to take cabs.
05:36The key word is try.
05:38Because I can assure you that I've had plenty of cab drivers just pull away from me like...
05:43What's he going to pay with, sticky change?
05:50Yeah, could you help me get it out of my pocket?
05:57I gotta tell you guys, being physically disabled and African American...
06:11Shit.
06:16Let's just say I look good on paper.
06:31Actually, what's really happening up here is this arm acts like some type of antenna.
06:37And I am picking up a signal from who the fuck knows.
06:44Because frankly, you're lucky I'm even facing the right direction.
06:50Oh man, I hate when it makes me say that.
06:56Look, I'm aware that I look homeless.
07:09I just look dirty, I know.
07:13I took two showers today, and I still fucking look like this.
07:23Who wants to give me a bath?
07:28There.
07:29Oh, that's quite a few takers.
07:31Alright.
07:32It'll take all of you, I guarantee that.
07:36It's weird when you look like this.
07:39People come up to me on the street like,
07:41Man, looks like you need some soup.
07:47Like they think beef and barley is gonna fix this?
08:03Hey, do you guys have any change?
08:08I'm for real though.
08:12Just pass that chip forward.
08:16Don't throw it.
08:19Well, unless that's the only way you can get it up here.
08:22Go ahead.
08:26I don't go on until I get some fucking change, huh?
08:37You could have handed it to me.
08:42I said change, asshole.
08:52This will just be a minute.
08:53Talk amongst yourselves.
08:55Hey, you're getting fucking close here.
09:10Oh, thank you.
09:12These are much easier to pick up.
09:14You guys just bought yourself another four minutes.
09:29Hey, so can I tell you guys about the most important person in my life?
09:36And don't worry, it's not Jesus.
09:44You get that on the street ever?
09:46Somebody call me like, can I tell you about the most important person in my life?
09:50Like, uh-uh.
09:51I don't have that kind of time.
09:55I think I hear the Lord's work calling you over there.
10:03Well, some of you guys need to loosen a notch in your Bible belts.
10:10Now, the most important person in my life is my wife.
10:17She told me to say that.
10:32I'm just trying not to catch an ass whooping at home.
10:35That's all the brother can do.
10:51I gotta tell you, my wife is amazing.
10:54She's here tonight.
10:55How about a round of applause for her, huh?
11:07She's probably hiding by now.
11:09She's awesome, man.
11:11She's actually Japanese.
11:14And I gotta tell you this.
11:17I think it's probably a good thing for both of us
11:22that she doesn't understand everything that I say.
11:29Right, honey?
11:33You know, you guys have been hanging out with me for like 20 minutes now.
11:38But I'm like this all the time.
11:42I can see why that would get annoying.
11:46Like, hey, honey.
11:47She's like, fuck off, Josh.
11:54Oh.
11:59You're learning good English, honey.
12:00Good job.
12:01She's awesome, man.
12:11It's weird, though.
12:12When you marry someone from Asia, people always ask you this,
12:14oh, well, you got an Asian wife, huh, Josh?
12:17What do you got an Asian fetish?
12:23Like, well, I guess so.
12:24But what kind of weird fetish does she have?
12:41She!
12:42I gotta tell you, sometimes we get in arguments, you know?
12:53Every couple does.
12:54Anyway, sometimes we argue.
12:56It's like, she's like, you don't even care.
12:58You don't even care about me.
12:59Like, well, honey, it's not that I don't care about you.
13:03It's just I don't care about what you're talking about.
13:14Like, look, sorry, honey.
13:15I folded the towels wrong again, okay?
13:20I am not a folder, huh?
13:24You're gonna be really pissed when you see the sheets.
13:26Here's how I fold it.
13:28It's like, urgh urgh urgh.
13:29Done.
13:30Done.
13:31Done.
13:32Done.
13:33By the way, I'm pretty sure four minutes is up.
13:34I'm done.
13:35I'm done.
13:36I'm done.
13:37I'm done.
13:39I'm done.
13:41By the way, I'm pretty sure four minutes is up.
13:44I'm done.
13:49I'm done.
13:51Sir, I can't fucking see him coming.
14:09You know, people also don't know how I met my wife.
14:12It's actually pretty funny.
14:15Now.
14:18I actually met her online.
14:21And, I said that wrong, sorry.
14:26I got her online.
14:33And look, before you judge me.
14:36Because look, I can feel you judging me out there.
14:39I think you guys should know that I thought that I was bidding on an oriental rug.
14:51Stupid eBay.
14:55Sure enough, 18 shipping days later.
14:58Well, that's a weird box for a rug.
15:08Like, breathe holes.
15:12Faint mumbling inside.
15:16She was ready to come out.
15:17I was like, oh, you must be the rug maker.
15:24I didn't know you built them in home.
15:31Anyway, she just looked at me real crazy.
15:34You know, because you would.
15:35You've been in a box for 18 days.
15:40I'm what opens it.
15:41Come on.
15:45And she just looked at me up and down.
15:47And she, like, looks around real fast.
15:49And she looks at me again.
15:50She goes, you take her shoes off.
15:52This is Asian house now.
16:03I was like, you're only halfway out the fucking box.
16:10I was like, look, I know we just met.
16:12But you have no idea how long it took me to put these on today.
16:22We are going to have to compromise here.
16:31That's what we did.
16:32Because that's what marriage is about, right?
16:35Compromising.
16:36I'll tell you how compromise works.
16:38Here's how we did it with the shoes.
16:41So now I take my shoes off in the house.
16:45And that's it.
16:46It's just fucking easier that way.
17:09She is awesome, though.
17:11But I got to tell you guys, I did keep the box.
17:16I actually have some really exciting news for you guys.
17:23We just had our second child not too long ago.
17:36Yeah, we just had a little baby girl, man.
17:38And I think we're going to keep her.
17:43She's so cute.
17:44She's five months old, and she is just a little fat ass.
17:51She looks like a ham.
17:54And who doesn't love a ham, right?
18:01Oh, yeah, Jews and Muslims.
18:08Which, by the way, I always thought that was a little weird, right?
18:11Like two religions that hate each other so much, yet they both hate ham.
18:18I'm like, come on, guys.
18:20Let's come together on your hatred for ham.
18:28It's a building block.
18:32Food for thought.
18:33So, look, I got to tell you, in addition to our pretty little ham baby,
18:41we also have a three-year-old boy.
18:52No, no, no.
18:57You guys familiar with these people?
18:58Anybody want him?
19:06He's in the car.
19:11It's not because I wanted to leave him there, either.
19:14He just wouldn't fucking get out.
19:16Don't worry, he's fine.
19:27The dog's watching him.
19:32I got to tell you, when I first had that kid,
19:35you know, they came to me, and it's like my firstborn son, you know?
19:38And I'm so nervous that I was going to, like, accidentally shake him.
19:52But I got to tell you guys, now that he's three,
19:55I'm worried that I'm going to do it on purpose.
19:57Because, look, I got to tell you, man,
20:07he's really funny, and he's smart, and he's cute.
20:10But I got to tell you guys, he is also a dick.
20:19And he knows it, too.
20:20Like, he has this little smile he does, like,
20:23I know I'm being a dick smile.
20:24And it just bothers me, especially,
20:29because I'm sure I get that same smile when I'm being dickish.
20:35Like, I'll give you an example of what he does to me all the time.
20:38He doesn't call me Dad or Daddy.
20:41Like, he knows those words.
20:43But he chooses to call me Josh Blue.
20:51All the time.
20:54And he does it with that little smile, you know?
20:57I know this bothers you.
21:00Josh Blue.
21:04And, like, I guess I get why he does it, you know?
21:07Like, people on the street come,
21:09Hey, Josh Blue, you know?
21:10Nobody ever comes up and says,
21:11Hey, Daddy!
21:12At least he shouldn't hear that.
21:24You guys know about baby-proofing your home?
21:30We were unaware of that, too.
21:34You know about, like, putting gates on the stairs?
21:36You know how you put a gate at the bottom?
21:42Did you know that you also need one at the top?
21:50Just something I picked up along the way.
21:54It's kicking down some knowledge.
21:56You know, if you don't have one at the top,
22:01The one at the bottom just acts like a strainer.
22:15You know, it's really cool, though,
22:17Because you have a gate at the bottom
22:18And a gate at the top.
22:19We just keep them on the stairs.
22:29You know, I gotta tell you this.
22:30People always want to know
22:31If my son has cerebral palsy.
22:36Like, I guess that's a fair question.
22:39If you're a fucking idiot.
22:46Not contagious.
22:49Sure, I'm putting a lot of you at ease right now.
22:59Anyway, what I gotta tell you is
23:00He doesn't have cerebral palsy.
23:04But
23:05Monkey C.
23:07That's right.
23:19He follows me around
23:20Mocking the shit out of me.
23:22Just don't do that in public, okay?
23:47Gonna get yourself caught up
23:51In some special ed classes.
23:58Just like your old man, huh?
24:02Actually, I have been encouraging him to do that.
24:05Walk around like that
24:06Because his mom's Japanese
24:08And I'm a white African American.
24:11If he has palsy too
24:14I can stop saving for college
24:15For sure.
24:24Shit.
24:27I like being a dad, though.
24:29It's fun.
24:30I like it because it makes me feel like a man.
24:33Like a manly man, you know?
24:35Like I'm walking around
24:36With my proof of not a virgin.
24:45Yeah, look what I did, huh?
24:49I'm two for two, baby.
24:51What?
24:51What I found is
25:03If I ever take my kids out by myself
25:05And for a walk
25:07We got one of those double strollers
25:09So we put them in there, you know?
25:11If I'm ever walking them around by myself
25:14It's always guaranteed
25:16That if somebody walks past us
25:20They always look into the stroller
25:23Like they're expecting to see
25:27A bucket of doorknobs
25:28I gotta tell you
25:41The looks on their faces
25:42When they see little Asian babies
25:44Oh my god
25:50That homeless guy got some babies
25:52Is that a ham?
26:05And my son's like
26:06George Blue
26:07We make a lot of change on that walk
26:23All the soup we can handle
26:27So I took my son
26:36To the 7-Eleven
26:37To get him a popsicle
26:39And I got one too
26:42Because they're fucking delicious
26:46And we had extra change
26:49From the walkover
26:50Anyway
27:00When I came out of the 7-Eleven
27:02There was this like
27:03Gangster
27:05Yeah and I'm talking a thug
27:09Not a mafia
27:12Anyway this dude
27:20Was just like
27:21Leaning up against the 7-Eleven
27:23Just looking pretty mean
27:24He looked like
27:25Someone that you wouldn't
27:26Really want to talk to
27:28So that's what I did
27:32And I walk right up to him
27:35And go
27:36Could you open my popsicle?
27:38I took him right out of his comfort zone
27:50He did it though
27:59He did it
28:00And I can assure you
28:02It's hard to look hard
28:04When you're opening a popsicle
28:06That's right
28:14Palsy
28:15Breaking down barriers
28:16Putting up new ones
28:24I know I just feel lucky
28:29You know
28:29The world gave me lemonade
28:31And I drank that shit
28:32Well off the table
28:37Because I spilled it
28:38You guys ever heard that saying
28:43Laughter is the best medicine?
28:46That's some bullshit huh?
28:50Shouldn't I be better by now?
28:52You got to laugh and clap all you want
29:06You ain't doing shit
29:07Check this out
29:11My wife just recently went back to Japan
29:14And when she was there
29:16She got to go to China
29:18You know
29:19That was funny huh?
29:21Laughter
29:21Wait till I get to the part please
29:25Anyway
29:28When she came back from China
29:30She brought me a gift from over there
29:33And I was like
29:34Well honey
29:35That was really sweet of you
29:36But I gotta tell you
29:38I already have a lot of shit from China
29:40Laughter
29:42Applause
29:44Applause
29:44I was like
29:52Everything we own
29:54Is from China
29:55Even that shit you brought back
29:58From Japan
29:59Is from China
30:00Laughter
30:00Next time
30:03Why don't you bring me
30:04Something from Detroit
30:05Laughter
30:06Might be a little more novel
30:11Laughter
30:12I got to go to Japan
30:16Three times now
30:17I think she got married over there
30:19And uh
30:20I don't know why you wouldn't clap for that
30:26But I don't know
30:27Laughter
30:28We got married on December 7th
30:31Laughter
30:33Which for you non-historians
30:41Is it Pearl Harbor Day
30:43And I swear
30:46I did not come up with that
30:48It was my wife's
30:49Plan
30:50And she
30:50She was planning it
30:52And she came to me
30:53And was like
30:53Is this date okay with you?
30:55And I was like
30:55Laughter
30:56Perfect honey
31:00This way I'll never forget
31:01Laughter
31:02I travel a lot you know
31:07It's nice to come home
31:08To a home cooked meal
31:09Right
31:09It's a little
31:12Um
31:13Different when you marry someone
31:15From the other side of the planet
31:17Laughter
31:18Because home cooked
31:20Is a little different
31:21Laughter
31:22I gotta tell you
31:24Like 98%
31:26Of the things
31:26You make honey
31:28Are spectacular
31:29But I gotta tell you babe
31:31Minnow night
31:32Has to go
31:33Laughter
31:34Like where do you even
31:40Get that shit
31:41Like
31:41Are you shopping
31:42At the bait store
31:43Laughter
31:44The best is when
31:50I take her to like
31:51A tropical fish store
31:53She walks around
31:55Like ooh honey
31:56Let's get that one
31:57I'm like
31:57Wow you're just gonna
31:58Eat it in the car
31:59Laughter
32:00Laughter
32:01I saw you put
32:08The soy sauce
32:09In your purse
32:10Laughter
32:11He loved it
32:20I was like
32:21That was the $80 eel
32:23Laughter
32:23Sometimes when I go away
32:27For a long trip
32:28Or something
32:28Before I go home
32:30I'll stop by
32:30The fish tank store
32:32Just pick her up
32:33A treat
32:33You know
32:34Laughter
32:35Daddy's home
32:37Laughter
32:38She just lights up
32:43Laughter
32:43She loves him
32:45I know what my woman wants
32:48Alright
32:49Laughter
32:49And I give it to her
32:51Laughter
32:52In the form of
32:54Live tropical fish
32:55Laughter
32:56Anyway
32:58You guys
32:58Are all invited
32:59To minnow Tuesday
33:00At our place
33:01Laughter
33:01I gotta tell you
33:08Why I do this
33:09Well besides
33:10The arm makes me do it
33:11But
33:11Laughter
33:12The reason why I do this
33:16Is because
33:17I
33:17Am a
33:18Random
33:19Shit
33:20Magnet
33:22Laughter
33:23Like the most random
33:27God damn things
33:28This happened to me
33:28So today
33:30I went to the Starbucks
33:32When I got to the counter
33:33The woman behind the counter
33:34Took one look at me
33:35And then she grabbed
33:37Both of her tip jars
33:39Laughter
33:41I was like
33:47You racist
33:48Laughter
33:50Applause
33:51In this day and age
33:58I was like
34:01Alright I'll show her
34:02So I paid with
34:03Like a hundred dollar bill
34:04Then she
34:06Gave me my change back
34:08I was like
34:09I want to give you
34:10A big tip
34:10But
34:11There's no tip jars
34:13Laughter
34:14Applause
34:16I gotta tell you
34:25What else happened to me
34:26Today
34:27So I went to the
34:29Mall of America
34:29Oh you've heard of it
34:33Laughter
34:34Anyway I was there
34:39And there just happened
34:40To be another guy
34:41With cerebral palsy
34:43Walking around
34:45In the mall
34:45And like normally
34:48There should be
34:48Nothing wrong
34:49With that scenario
34:50But apparently
34:53Not in the mall
34:54Of America
34:54Laughter
34:55Because what happened
34:57Was
34:58Me and this guy
34:59Were heading
35:00In the same direction
35:01Laughter
35:02At about the same
35:05Speed
35:06Laughter
35:07But he was like
35:09Thirty paces
35:10In front of me
35:11Right
35:11And we walked
35:13Like this
35:13Past a bunch
35:14Of stores
35:14And restaurants
35:16And then people
35:18Started running up
35:19To me
35:19And going
35:19You're an asshole
35:21For making fun
35:21Of that guy
35:22Laughter
35:23I'm just trying
35:36To get a
35:36Chimichanga
35:37Laughter
35:38The funny part too
35:42Is I remember
35:42I saw the dude
35:43Walking in front
35:44Of me
35:44And I was like
35:44Is that guy
35:45Making fun
35:46Of me
35:46Laughter
35:47I'm gonna kick
35:52His ass
35:53Laughter
35:53If I could ever
35:56Catch up to him
35:57Laughter
35:57He's on his
36:01Hopalong
36:01Shit
36:02Laughter
36:02I saw
36:08I followed him
36:09I followed him
36:09Laughter
36:10Got nothing else
36:12To do
36:13Right
36:13I saw he went
36:16Into a store
36:16So what I did
36:17Is I just
36:17Waited outside
36:18For him
36:19Laughter
36:20That way
36:21On the way back
36:22I got to be
36:22In front
36:23Laughter
36:25Laughter
36:25Yeah I let him
36:30Deal with that
36:30Shit for a while
36:31Right
36:31Laughter
36:32Payback's a bitch
36:34Laughter
36:36I was even
36:37Egging people
36:38I was like
36:38That guy's
36:39Making fun
36:39Of me
36:40Laughter
36:42Laughter
36:43I gotta tell you
36:51There's something
36:53I don't understand
36:54About old
36:55President Obama
36:57Laughter
36:58You know
36:59People keep
36:59Saying how
37:00Inspirational
37:01It is
37:01That he became
37:04Our president
37:05And okay
37:08Yes
37:08As an
37:11African American
37:12Laughter
37:13We have
37:15Come a long
37:15Way
37:16Laughter
37:16Laughter
37:17The part I don't
37:22Understand is
37:22People go
37:23Hey
37:23Now that Obama
37:24Became the president
37:25It proves that
37:27It's now
37:27Possible
37:28For anyone
37:29To now
37:30Become
37:31Our president
37:32Laughter
37:33Well that's
37:34Ridiculous
37:35Laughter
37:36Because I was
37:37Already convinced
37:38Of that
37:38With the last
37:39President
37:40Laughter
37:42Applause
37:43Applause
37:44Applause
37:46Applause
37:48Applause
37:49Applause
37:50Applause
37:51We could have
37:52Elected a
37:53Rhinoceros
37:54Laughter
37:55A black
37:58One even
37:58Laughter
38:00And they
38:02Are very
38:03Rare
38:03Laughter
38:05I gotta tell you
38:09A lot of times
38:11When you have
38:11A physical
38:12Disability
38:12A lot of times
38:14People also
38:14Assume
38:15That you're
38:16Mentally
38:16Disabled
38:17I think
38:20That I could
38:20Probably speak
38:21For every
38:22Physically
38:23Disabled
38:24Person
38:24Out there
38:24Well that's
38:27Really annoying
38:28Laughter
38:29Applause
38:30Applause
38:31Yeah
38:35But it can
38:36Also be
38:36A lot
38:37Of
38:37Fucking
38:38Fun
38:38Laughter
38:39Because I gotta
38:41Tell you
38:42Here's how I
38:42Look at it
38:43Right
38:43Is if you're
38:44Allowed to
38:44Assume
38:45Because of
38:46The way I
38:46Walk
38:47Or the way
38:47I move
38:48That I'm
38:48Also
38:49Mentally
38:50Disabled
38:51Then I
38:53Should be
38:53Allowed
38:54To act
38:55Retarded
38:56Laughter
38:58Yeah let me
39:01Tell you
39:02I'm a joy
39:02At the airport
39:03Laughter
39:05I will
39:10Scare the
39:11Living shit
39:11Out of a
39:12TSA worker
39:13Laughter
39:14And they
39:16Fucking
39:17Deserve
39:17It
39:18Take
39:24My
39:24Lotion
39:25Mother
39:25Fucker
39:26Laughter
39:26Now
39:30I'm gonna
39:31Get
39:31All
39:31Ashy
39:32Laughter
39:34Laughter
39:35Applause
39:36Applause
39:37Applause
39:38Applause
39:39Applause
39:40Applause
39:41Applause
39:42Applause
39:43Applause
39:44Applause
39:45Applause
39:46I'll let
39:47Y'all crackers
39:48Marinate
39:48On that
39:49For a minute
39:49Applause
39:50Applause
39:51Applause
39:52You know how at the security checkpoint there's three different lines that go up there
40:02There's a coach line and the next to that is the first class line and the next to that is the handicapped line
40:08That's the one you want to try to get into
40:11Laughter
40:12Because nothing beats the handicap line and I gotta tell you guys I take more joy in walking by a long line of first class people just going
40:24Bye bye
40:25Bye bye
40:33Laughter
40:33What all them miles can't buy palsy huh
40:42Laughter
40:42I can hear their assholes close as I walk by them
40:54There's one of them now
40:59Laughter
41:00Well you know what I do when I get to the part where they check your ID
41:07What I do is I put it in this hand
41:09Laughter
41:10And go
41:10Laughter
41:11Laughter
41:12Laughter
41:13Laughter
41:14Laughter
41:15Laughter
41:16Laughter
41:17Laughter
41:18Laughter
41:19Laughter
41:20Two for flinching
41:32They're not prepared for that
41:40Laughter
41:40Like this is not in training at all
41:43Laughter
41:43It's way scarier than Al Qaeda
41:46Laughter
41:47Sheites
41:49Laughter
41:50Look I know unfortunately you know you gotta look for terrorists at the airport
42:01Probably say we could come up with a system you know where you look at a person like me and go
42:06Yeah he's not the guy
42:09Laughter
42:10Laughter
42:11I would be a terrible bomb maker man
42:18Laughter
42:19Even if I was able to make it I wouldn't be able to carry it anywhere
42:29Laughter
42:30And besides I love ham
42:37Laughter
42:39I came up with the idea how to speed up the security checkpoint instead of checking IDs and taking all that stuff off you know
42:57All you have to do is eat a piece of ham
43:00Laughter
43:01Laughter
43:02That would sure speed things up wouldn't it?
43:14Laughter
43:15Well no ham no fly
43:19Laughter
43:20Applause
43:21Applause
43:23Applause
43:24Applause
43:25Think of how excited you ham lovers would be like what?
43:31Laughter
43:32But if I go on this line I get some ham alright
43:35Laughter
43:36Laughter
43:37Laughter
43:38My favorite thing to do is like when they're like okay now you have to take off your shoes
43:47Laughter
43:48Laughter
43:49You're not taking my lucky shoes
43:54Laughter
43:55Applause
43:56Now if you do that long enough they do not take your lucky shoes
44:09Laughter
44:14Usually by the end they're just trying to poke me through with a broomstick like
44:18Laughter
44:19Get him out of here!
44:21Laughter
44:22Who's in charge of this fucking guy?
44:25Laughter
44:27Laughter
44:28Yeah meanwhile I got 20 pounds of weed on me!
44:30Laughter
44:31Applause
44:32That's right just push me on through!
44:33Laughter
44:34I just thought of this though
44:36That airport joke is pretty funny but
44:40until I try to leave here Monday
44:41Laughter
44:44Because I know one of you weasly little bitches is in here
44:45Laughter
44:47I can smell my gist
44:48Laughter
44:49Applause
44:50That's right just push me on through!
44:51Laughter
44:52That's right just push me on through!
44:53Laughter
44:55I just thought of this though
44:56That airport joke is pretty funny but
44:57Until I try to leave here Monday
44:58Laughter
44:59Because I know one of you weasly little bitches is in here
45:02Laughter
45:03Applause
45:05I can smell my lotion.
45:24Just picture it.
45:26Monday morning, somebody waiting for me there.
45:30Oh, hey, Josh.
45:31Get the cavity dogs.
45:42I'll tell you all, I really am glad that I'm able to do this, you know,
45:47and laugh at myself because I feel like a lot of us aren't able to laugh at ourselves enough.
45:52I think we'd all be happier people if we didn't take ourselves so seriously all the time.
45:58Oh, yeah.
46:01Look, I can assure you, you are not all that, okay?
46:11But I'm just glad that I'm able to laugh at myself because if I wasn't able to laugh at myself,
46:18well, I'd have shot someone by now.
46:24Sure, I might have taken a few tries.
46:26You stay there while I reload.
46:38Could you help me?
46:39So I do fly a lot on planes.
46:49Just making sure, you know.
46:52A couple of you are sitting there like,
46:54well, I didn't know people with cerebral palsy could fly.
46:58That's neat.
47:01Seems fair.
47:02I guess it is true.
47:10When God takes something away, he gives something back.
47:20Anyway, on this particular airplane ride,
47:22for some reason, I ended up in the very back row of the airplane,
47:27which, in my humble opinion,
47:32is the smelliest part of the airplane.
47:35You know, conveniently located by the crapper.
47:38But I did have a whole row of seats to myself,
47:43which is really nice, you know.
47:46If you've got a sit-in shit smell,
47:48might as well be lounging, right?
47:58So I was, like, lounging there, waiting,
48:00and the stewardess and the steward.
48:05She's trying to be politically correct.
48:08Don't know why I'd start so late in the show like that.
48:17Anyway, they make their way back to me
48:18with their little drink wagon.
48:24So I ordered a drink from this guy,
48:25and I was, like, oh, excuse me, man.
48:27Could I also please have a straw?
48:32You know, because that's just safer for everybody.
48:34He looked at me, and he goes, what?
48:44I'm, like, oh, sorry.
48:45Could I please have a straw?
48:47He goes, what?
48:49I'm, like, could I please have a straw?
48:53And then he got mad and, like, ran off into the back.
48:56I was, like, okay, well, that was a weird interaction, you know.
49:02Didn't think my request was that demanding.
49:04You know, you are a steward.
49:08Now, I can't really hear what he's saying in the background,
49:11but I can hear him, like, chattering away with the other stewardess.
49:15And she must have told him that I was retarded or something.
49:19Because all of a sudden he was, like, bam, right back in my mouth.
49:24I was, like, holy shit, man.
49:32Anyway, that wasn't scary enough that he just absolutely scared the hell out of me.
49:38Then he gets right in my face, and he goes,
49:40When we get to the airport, do you need a wheelchair?
49:56I was, like, oh, yeah, man, I do.
50:00Obviously, you've missed me belly crawl back here.
50:10I was, like, oh, but hey, man, before you order me up that wheelchair,
50:19could you get me a fucking straw?
50:27Yeah.
50:30This has to be the best make-a-wish ever.
50:36Thank you very much.
50:40Dead wheelchair in the corner
51:04Of a slanted floor
51:07Handicap accessible
51:10All the way to the door
51:13So sing out loud
51:16Of a random house
51:18We're very proud
51:21Of a random house
51:24The out-of-work stove
51:29Is a mansion for mice
51:32You might blow a fuse
51:35Cooking corn dogs
51:37Hand price
51:39So sing out loud
51:41Of a random house
51:43We're very proud
51:47Of a random house
51:49We're very proud of a random house
51:53You mightin' hang home
51:53Here we go
51:53What is this вот
51:54A D electron
51:55Game
51:55How is this
51:55the top
51:56Did you talk a little
51:57Iels know
51:58A couple of times
51:59I was like, would you play this
52:00What are we doing here
52:01Come with us
52:01Can you call me
52:02What am I regarding
52:03What am I on your paper
52:04What am I getting on your
52:05How is this
52:05Of a random house
52:07We're very proud of a
52:08Where am I standing there
52:08Come with me
52:09You
52:09Like, they're
52:10You
52:10Out
52:11Of a random house
52:11As itshirted