Taskmaster UK S19E01 (2025)
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FunTranscript
00:00This was a mistake!
00:04Shut up!
00:05Button?
00:14You're mad.
00:16Wow.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:35Hello! Thank you, I'm Greg Davies.
00:37Welcome to this brand new series of Taskmaster!
00:45I have never felt so full of hope.
00:48The tasks are new, the contestants are new,
00:51and whilst I was enjoying my single-origin espresso this morning,
00:54they were being shaved down and put through our 12-point hygiene programme,
00:58ready for battle, so they all smell just great...
01:01for now.
01:02So, let's meet the new recruits,
01:04ready to risk it all to take home Daddy's golden head.
01:10Daddy's golden head of destiny,
01:13is a sentence I forgot I wrote.
01:16Please welcome...
01:18Fatih Al Gorey!
01:21Jason Mandzuka!
01:24Matthew Baker!
01:26Rosie Ramsey!
01:29And Stevie Martin!
01:33And next to me, a man who is a lifelong supporter
01:36of Liverpool Football Club,
01:38and tells me that the only downside to that
01:40is meeting the other fans,
01:42who he finds to be universally stupid
01:45and physically disgusting.
01:47LAUGHTER
01:49Thank you, Alex Hall!
01:52Nice to be here.
01:54OK.
01:55Hello, everyone.
01:57I've designed for episode one a brand-new magic trick,
02:00and I know you love magic, Greg.
02:01I love magic.
02:02Well, you're going to love this magic trick.
02:03It's called the magic pen.
02:04It looks like an ordinary pen.
02:06Mm-hm.
02:07But I've signed it using the pen.
02:11How?
02:13I'll tell you how.
02:15Magic.
02:16Magic.
02:18Magic.
02:19Magic pen.
02:20How's it done?
02:22I know you're thinking, maybe I've used a second pen.
02:24Well, look.
02:25Here is another pen.
02:26Also signed.
02:27How?
02:28I'll tell you how.
02:29Magic.
02:30Magic.
02:32Could there be another pen?
02:33Yes, but also signed.
02:36Magic.
02:37Yes.
02:38I know the man well,
02:39and I wouldn't be surprised if there's a fourth pen.
02:41LAUGHTER
02:43Magic.
02:45I don't think you'd go to fifth, though.
02:47I did, actually,
02:48and I couldn't work out how to get it on this one.
02:50Anyway, that's the magic trick.
02:52An auspicious beginning to a new season.
02:55Series, Jason.
03:00I'm with him, you're a guest in this country.
03:03You'll learn our ways by hook or crook, young man.
03:07OK, let's have our first prize task category, please.
03:10OK, and we're starting the series with the object
03:13that reminds you of school the most in a good way.
03:16Mm.
03:17We all know Greg used to be a teacher.
03:18Mm.
03:19We also know Greg has played teachers on TV,
03:21and, as the taskmaster, he's sort of like a head teacher.
03:24So, yes, Greg's got range.
03:26Five points...
03:28I've not got range!
03:30I'm amazed you're in showbiz!
03:34You should be, at most, an assistant bank manager.
03:38LAUGHTER
03:39So, five points will be gifted to the bringer of the item Greg likes best,
03:43and the winner of the episode will take home all five prizes
03:46in a great big school satchel.
03:48Peace out, man.
03:49OK, Fatio, welcome to Taskmaster.
03:51What have you brought me?
03:52So, I brought in a golf club.
03:54Here it is.
03:55That reminds her of school the most in a good way.
03:58As a kid, I used to be really naughty, and my mum had enough,
04:01so she came up the school, and she goes to the teacher,
04:03if Fertiha keeps on playing up, hit her, and then he got this thing,
04:08and he put it as if he's going to do a golf move, and then...
04:11And he would hit you with a golf club?
04:12No, he would pretend to.
04:13Are you mad?
04:14Am I mad?
04:15LAUGHTER
04:16Like, he would pretend to, so he'd, like, try to scare me
04:20into being a good girl.
04:21So, the thing that you've brought in that reminds you of school
04:24in a good way is a golf club that your teacher used to
04:27threaten you with.
04:28Yeah, cos I never got hit, so that's a good thing.
04:30Ah!
04:31The glass is half full.
04:34Jason, what thing did you bring in to represent the good times?
04:38Well, this, for me, was something that was ubiquitous
04:40in my high school.
04:42It is a map, but it's the kind of map that was mounted on the
04:45blackboard that you pulled down like this.
04:47Oh, sweet.
04:48Right?
04:49See, I thought you might like that.
04:50Here it is.
04:51Oh, yeah.
04:52Oh, yeah, nice.
04:53I mean, how satisfying is that?
04:54That's nice.
04:55If I could just imagine myself in the world.
04:58So, your childhood imagination just soared?
05:01Just wishing that I could get out and get here onto this stage.
05:05Wow.
05:06It's both heartwarming and tragic.
05:08LAUGHTER
05:09Who's next?
05:10Oh, I've got some facts about America, if you want.
05:12No, thanks.
05:13LAUGHTER
05:15I have brought the TV trolley.
05:19Oh, the TV trolley.
05:21Another blinding move.
05:23Just a sweet nostalgia.
05:25When this bad boy came out, you knew you were in for 45 minutes
05:29of watching a probably late 70s, early 80s old episode
05:34of Equinox.
05:36Yeah.
05:38Science documentary.
05:39And you would ignore the educational content
05:41and you would just be sort of laughing at the fashion.
05:44Well, having been a teacher,
05:46I can give you a bit of a glance behind the magician's curtain here.
05:49Because normally you would see the film or the documentary on a Friday,
05:53and the reason for that is the teachers all went to the pub.
05:55And I'm proud to tell you, I did a five-pint lunch.
05:59LAUGHTER
06:01Every Friday?
06:03And it was Guinness too, so I was heavy.
06:07LAUGHTER
06:09Thank you, I like your trolley.
06:11I mean, I've got to say, the golf club's looking less and less appealing.
06:14LAUGHTER
06:16Rosie, welcome.
06:19What have you brought in?
06:20I brought me school dinner.
06:21Oh.
06:22LAUGHTER
06:23So that's chicken with gravy.
06:25Is it?
06:26LAUGHTER
06:27The TV should not stand up.
06:29What's all the way to the left next to the brown turd?
06:32LAUGHTER
06:33Oh, that's stuffing.
06:34The dessert is on the same thing as the main.
06:36Yeah.
06:37So you could go in your...
06:38That's all right.
06:39It all goes in the same stomach.
06:41That's bold.
06:42This is good.
06:43Stevie, school, good times?
06:45No.
06:46But I found, like, a sort of cultural cachet in my school,
06:50which involves the prize task.
06:52Write cultural cachet down.
06:53Yes.
06:54Is it, hold it down to get the E acute?
06:56LAUGHTER
06:58Stay with me.
07:00LAUGHTER
07:02It is.
07:04LAUGHTER
07:06LAUGHTER
07:09So, scented gel pens.
07:11Oh.
07:12What people would do is draw their name for the person
07:15they were going out with.
07:16Mm.
07:17And then everyone would just walk around smelling the back
07:18of their hand all day.
07:19Yeah.
07:20But the cultural cachet was that my name begins with S,
07:23so I could do the Superman S thing, which was...
07:25Do you know the Superman S thing?
07:27Yeah.
07:28Yes, of course.
07:29OK.
07:30You said that you were in your 70s or something.
07:31I don't know.
07:32They had Superman, didn't they?
07:33No, they didn't.
07:34LAUGHTER
07:36I'm not Victorian.
07:38Sorry.
07:39Sorry, yes, yes.
07:40Five objects there, Greg.
07:42What reminds you of school in the least good way?
07:44Well, obviously, being hit with a golf club.
07:47One point to Fatih.
07:48Well done, we're off the mark.
07:49I guess I have to judge it on the things that made me go,
07:51ah, the most, so I have to give Stevie two points
07:53because gel pens are a little bit new for me.
07:55Two to Stevie.
07:56Three to the school dinner.
07:58OK.
07:59Ah, for no other reason than we need to move on.
08:01OK.
08:02And...
08:03I love the VHS trolley,
08:05but it also slightly reminds me of my own teaching days.
08:08I love the romance of the map.
08:10So, five points to Jason.
08:11There we go.
08:12Well done, Jason Munster, five points.
08:14APPLAUSE
08:16Right, let's get going.
08:18OK.
08:19Well, hands down and heads up
08:21as we kick off proceedings in the lab.
08:24Hello, hello, hello.
08:38Fancy seeing you here.
08:42Jason.
08:43Alex.
08:47Hi.
08:48Excellent entrance.
08:50Is this the lab?
08:59Wait, am I in the wrong room?
09:01This is the lab.
09:02It's the lab, innit?
09:05Bit mad.
09:06I'm going to read this.
09:07Not wasting any time.
09:08Right.
09:09Hello.
09:10Stevie?
09:11Yes.
09:12Did you get lost?
09:13I went to the wrong room.
09:15Let's go.
09:16Put your hands on the hands.
09:20Shut your eyes and keep them shut
09:22until you hear the whistle.
09:24Time to start now.
09:25Put your hands on the hands.
09:26Yes, please.
09:27Oh, I'm scared.
09:29OK.
09:34Are they shot?
09:35Yeah, they shot.
09:36Marvellous.
09:37I can't.
09:39Oi, don't make me look silly, innit?
09:42I wouldn't dream of it.
09:43Wow.
09:45Can I open my eyes now?
09:50Yes, if you've heard the whistle.
09:55Ah!
09:58What?
09:59What is it?
10:01Yeah, that's what I thought.
10:02Two jars of piss.
10:05You've got your glasses on again if you want.
10:08Son of a bitch.
10:10OK, you can read the next part of the task now.
10:11Are you taking a mick?
10:12How am I going to do that?
10:16Oh, I hate this.
10:18Pour all the vinegar into the fish tank.
10:22Fastest wins.
10:23For every millimetre spilled.
10:25One second will be added to your time.
10:27Your time starts when you heard the whistle.
10:29OK.
10:30Alex, where's the fish tank?
10:31Let me guess.
10:32It's underneath me?
10:34Is that a fish tank?
10:35Is this a fish tank?
10:37LAUGHTER
10:38APPLAUSE
10:43Good.
10:44Fatia said,
10:45Oi, don't make me look stupid, innit?
10:47And all I've written is,
10:49You have come to the wrong show, my friend.
10:51LAUGHTER
10:54She was furious from the moment we said,
10:56Shut your eyes.
10:57Oh, for goodness.
10:58Yeah.
10:59That's how I am, honestly.
11:00Once I went to the shop and they ran out of the chocolate I wanted
11:02and I called the police.
11:05You reported him because he hadn't kept up to speed with his chocolate supply.
11:08Yeah.
11:09Wow.
11:11Well, we begin with Fatia and Jason.
11:15And Matt.
11:17And Stevie.
11:19And that's it.
11:20Sorry, Rosie.
11:21Here we go.
11:26Laughing doesn't help.
11:29Oh, I can't...
11:33What happens if it's...
11:34It's going to take some time.
11:41And I haven't thought through what happens when I get to the edge.
11:47Your finger's been the wrong way.
11:48Which way up are they?
11:51That's amazing.
11:53Don't start!
11:55Don't start, Ralph.
11:56My assumption is I can...
11:58Whoa.
11:59Now what?
12:01Come on, you.
12:04Why are you laughing, bro?
12:07Okay.
12:21Right.
12:23Now we're cooking.
12:27Perfect.
12:28See you in a minute.
12:31We're going to follow you.
12:32Of course you're going to follow me.
12:35It's all science-y in here.
12:37This season's theme, science.
12:39Oh, God.
12:45It's probably in the shed.
12:47Fish tank, fish tank, fish tank.
12:49Pour the vinegar in the fish tank.
12:51If I don't find it soon, I'm going to drink it!
12:53Okay.
12:54I'm either going to hate you or I'm going to hate myself.
12:56Okay.
12:57Well, I hope it's you in a way.
12:58This is a tank.
13:00No, it's not a tank.
13:01Well, that's a...
13:02It's a submarine.
13:03Hmm.
13:04All right.
13:05Have I lost my mind?
13:10Oh, you're taking the piss, bruv.
13:13What's this?
13:14What's it look like?
13:16You fucking assholes.
13:17Wait.
13:18Oh!
13:19Fish tank!
13:20Oh, fuck.
13:21I just spilled some.
13:22This is popping everywhere.
13:23Oh, okay.
13:24Okay.
13:25I don't like that.
13:26Son of a bitch.
13:28Oh, this is good.
13:29Okay.
13:30All the winning is in the fish tank?
13:31Yes.
13:32Yeah, it is.
13:33Oh, it's 12 o'clock.
13:34Done.
13:35Woo!
13:36That was exciting.
13:37Yeah, for you.
13:38You're not the one that smells like a chip shop now, innit?
13:39Have I gone past it and just not seen it?
13:40I genuinely don't know.
13:41I can't imagine so.
13:42You genuinely don't know.
13:43I can't imagine so.
13:44You genuinely don't know.
13:45I don't even know.
13:46Have I ever seen a chip shop?
13:47I've ever seen a chip shop.
13:48I've never seen a chip shop.
13:49Oh, this is good.
13:50Oh.
13:51Okay, OK.
13:52I don't like that.
13:53Son of a bitch.
13:55Oh, this is good.
13:56All the winning is in the fish tank?
13:57OK.
13:58All the winning is in the fish tank?
13:59Yes.
14:00I've told the clock?
14:01Done.
14:02Whew!
14:03That was exciting.
14:04Don't know I can't imagine so you genuinely don't know bullshit
14:13He's doing laughs now
14:17I'm back in here
14:23Fuck off
14:27He's on the fish tank. Yeah down the fish tank. Do you remember? I said I'd either hate myself or you yeah
14:34It's you
14:44It seems that we have a very angry cohort already this year Matthew run around a garden
14:51When you were just running around the garden looking for a fish time
14:55And then when you did find it you were very angry yes, but what were you angry at the pun? Yeah
15:04I think that's what we all got
15:06I think you were fairly angry
15:08I mean it was irritating
15:10Stevie I was quite fascinated by you suddenly shouting if you didn't find the tank soon you were going to drink the liquid
15:16It's funny is in the early part you'd identified it as piss
15:21It's quite dehydrating the process and also as well and I just completely ignored the two jar lids
15:28It messes with your brain doesn't it? Yeah
15:30And this is the stuff that he loves
15:32He sits at home when going
15:34I can tell you that so far the person who's doing the best in the task is Stevie
15:42You did 7 minutes 42 and you didn't spill anything Matt didn't spill anything either took 12 minutes 3 seconds
15:47Looked worse than that but because of the lack of spillage you were fine Jason you were much quicker but your
15:51Milliliters or spill-a-liters you could call them spill-a-liters
15:54Let's not do that
15:56Let's not do that
15:57Tipped you over to 17 minutes 29 I'm so sorry
16:00Because I was penalised for spilling
16:02Penalised and Fatia you were
16:04Fatia 10 minutes 12 but we're not going to find out how Rosie's done until after the break
16:08Oh
16:09Oh that builds the tension
16:10It must be really shit
16:12Go on then off you pop
16:15I said it's break time go
16:30Welcome back to Trustmaster our first task is underway and the new contestants have been trying to pour all of their vinegar into a fish tank
16:36A fish tank which turned out to be a tank driven by a fish
16:40It's clever it's funny and it winds Greg up tick tick tick
16:44For every millilitre spilt one second will be added to their time Rosie has watched all of her rivals attempts
16:50And now she has to watch herself back knowing what's happened before her so good luck Rosie
17:03Mmm
17:05Well done
17:06Can I go in here?
17:07OK
17:08Fish tank
17:09How's it going Rosie?
17:10Erm
17:11It's
17:12No I haven't found anything yet
17:13This is a bath
17:14That's a good
17:15That's not a fish tank
17:16I don't think I've not seen a fish tank anywhere
17:18No
17:19I'm just looking for a fish tank
17:20Anything could be a fish tank really couldn't it?
17:21OK
17:22Is that a fish tank or a jar?
17:23It's a jar isn't it?
17:24Do you want me to stop the car Rosie?
17:25Yeah I'll stop the car
17:26OK bye
17:27Bye bye
17:28I'm just looking for a fish tank
17:29I don't think I've not seen a fish tank anywhere
17:30No
17:31I'm just looking for a fish tank
17:32Anything could be a fish tank really couldn't it?
17:33OK
17:34Is that a fish tank or a jar?
17:35It's a jar isn't it?
17:40Do you want me to stop the car Rosie?
17:41Yeah
17:42OK bye
17:43Watch them fish
17:56I mean should I disqualify you or not?
17:58No
18:00What?
18:02It's not a fish tank
18:04Do you want to tell you the definition of a fish tank?
18:06I do want you to tell me.
18:07Where it's a tank driven by a fish...
18:11..or a transparent container of water
18:13in which live fish and other water creatures and plants are kept.
18:16I thought outside the box.
18:18She did think outside the box. I did think outside the box.
18:21Shall I tell you the times and you can decide what to do?
18:23Stevie was the quickest, was 7.42.
18:25Then Fatia, 10 minutes.
18:26Matt, 12 minutes.
18:27Rosie was 15 and a half minutes.
18:29OK. Didn't spill a drop.
18:31Jason, because of his spillage, was 17 minutes 29.
18:34If it had been a normal fish tank,
18:36then I would be penalising Rosie,
18:37but because it was a stupid play on words,
18:39I'm going to allow her fish tank.
18:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:43Well done.
18:44Yes. OK.
18:46So you're saying that Jason comes last,
18:48one point, two points to Rosie,
18:50three to Matt, four to Fatia,
18:51but Stevie gets the full five points.
18:53Very nice.
18:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:57Let's have our first scoreboard, please.
19:00Joint leaders with seven points are Matt and Stevie.
19:03APPLAUSE
19:08What's next, my cylindrical little piglet?
19:10LAUGHTER
19:12Don't mind that.
19:13Backwards and forwards thing Cooler doing involves task next this, Greg.
19:17Well...
19:18Oh, God.
19:19You look very cool.
19:33I know.
19:36You look nice.
19:37I look...
19:38Cool.
19:41Cool guy.
19:44If you could use one word to describe me, what would it be?
19:47Ridiculous.
19:48Oh.
19:49LAUGHTER
19:51Not what that's happening for.
19:53Do something really cool.
19:55You have a maximum of ten minutes.
19:57Your time starts now.
20:03Is there a bed?
20:04Cool's sort of not caring.
20:06Yeah, I don't care.
20:07Or is it actually cool to be passionate?
20:11Now, super quick question.
20:13Can I get on the roof?
20:14I would say you definitely can't do that.
20:18Really?
20:19I can't go out into traffic.
20:21No.
20:22Can't get on the roof.
20:23Can't go on the road.
20:24You know what?
20:25Comedy thrives on yes and, not no but.
20:29It wasn't even no but.
20:30It wasn't even no but.
20:31It was, you definitely can't.
20:32Oh, that's anti-cool.
20:35OK.
20:36What cool things can you do?
20:38Let's think of cool things I can't do.
20:40Right.
20:41And then we try to find something that I can do.
20:44What's cool?
20:45What is cool?
20:47Lemonade?
20:48Yeah, lemonade is cool.
20:50What do you do that's cool?
20:51Sometimes spit.
20:56What? Yuck.
20:57I'm going to go and get a guitar.
21:01It's time, Horn.
21:07Yeah? Happy with that?
21:08Yeah, see you later, mate.
21:09Move.
21:10Oh, actually, you're not sitting down.
21:11I'm so sorry.
21:12It's actually rude rather than cool.
21:14I know.
21:15Sorry, sorry, sorry.
21:16There is one more thing.
21:21Great.
21:22Do your cool thing backwards.
21:24The cool thing backwards played backwards
21:26that looks most like the forwards cool thing
21:29everything played forwards wins.
21:34You have 15 minutes.
21:35Your time starts now.
21:38APPLAUSE
21:43Well, I think I speak for all of us when I say
21:45I'm looking forward to Matthew playing a song backwards.
21:48Well, we're going to start with Martin Stevie doing something cool backwards.
21:56It's time, Horn.
21:57It's time, Horn.
22:04Yes, I'm joined.
22:09LAUGHTER
22:14APPLAUSE
22:16So that was the footage reversed, obviously.
22:19Oh, was it?
22:20Yes.
22:22Stevie, I'm not one for platitudes.
22:23It might be the single coolest thing I've ever seen.
22:26I enjoyed the addition of the little man popping out of the bin.
22:32I've got no notes.
22:34Fine.
22:35It will go downhill, right?
22:36Well, there's Matt playing guitar next.
22:37Here we go.
22:38LAUGHTER
22:39I'm Matthew Bainson, and this is cool.
22:48Don't let the bad kids get you down.
22:51Turn that big frown upside down, you'd be a fool.
22:56If you thought that not caring was cool.
22:58Yeah, I'm Matthew Bainson, and this is cool.
23:07LAUGHTER
23:08LAUGHTER
23:10LAUGHTER
23:11...
23:12...
23:13...
23:14...
23:15...
23:16...
23:17...
23:18...
23:19...
23:20...
23:21...
23:22...
23:23...
23:24...
23:25...
23:26...
23:51...
23:52I mean, I thought you were this generation's Morrissey
23:53before I...
23:55..before I even saw it reversed.
23:57You're quite Eurovision, isn't it?
23:58Sort of 70s Eurovision.
24:00It straddles the genres.
24:01It does.
24:03I mean, if this is the last thing you achieve in your life,
24:05you've done well.
24:07LAUGHTER
24:08I think it's powerful.
24:10Can I get a rewind?
24:11You can, because it's time for Rosie Ramsey.
24:14Can you give me a six-six beat?
24:16OK.
24:17There is a tyranny's
24:39...
24:40...
24:45I've got kids.
25:08I felt like we were watching CCTV from a secure unit.
25:15And now, as I always say, partway through Alex and my playful wrestling sessions, it's
25:27time for a break.
25:32Hello, welcome back to the third part of the show, where our cool new contestants have
25:43to be cool and then do that cool thing backwards.
25:46Oh, yeah, this guy knows his shiz.
25:48Next up, good luck guessing what's happening here, Greg.
25:51It's Fatia's attempt.
25:53So, he's a sissy.
25:57I'm sissy.
26:00I'm a sissy.
26:01I'm a sissy.
26:04I'm a sissy.
26:06I'm a sissy.
26:08Oh
26:14Emning over how
26:32Fucks going
26:35Do you want to see it going forward? Well, I need to because at the moment I just feel angry
26:42Okay, well, this is a cool thing she did forwards then let's see if you understand it after that
26:46If we get some sweets and then you eat one and I can tell which one it is by the way you're chewing
26:53For real man for real. I'm not even playing with you. Well, that's quite cool. I'm so good at that game. Yeah, let go
27:05It's in
27:08Right start chewing it
27:14Is it this
27:18Is it this
27:22Is it this
27:34Seven goes and I got it on that eight well pleased yeah, if we were holding hands I would have got it on the first one
27:47Okay, what's going on here because that's not a known game it is me and my friend play all the time and I always win
27:55I'll play yeah
27:57Present tense only with him because you have to have a connection. Do you know why it didn't work because muppet features over there had glasses on?
28:07Why didn't you tell me to take the glasses off?
28:09Because I thought
28:19Any of us he doesn't bring them. Do you call the police on it?
28:31One left to see Greg. Yeah, it's Jason Manzuka
28:39Locked door lockpick set
28:50Lockpick set
28:52the
29:02You've got 30 seconds
29:05Party
29:09Why
29:10why
29:15Why
29:16Why
29:17Why
29:19Why
29:20Why
29:21Cool!
29:29Luke!
29:40Huh?
29:41Pretty cool, right?
29:42It was pretty cool.
29:43Yeah!
29:44I mean, what am I, Magnum P.I.?
29:46Where's that come from?
29:47My bag.
29:51APPLAUSE
29:54Undeniably impressive.
29:56I've been sidetracked, though, by when you were asked
29:59where you got the lockpicking set.
30:00Yes.
30:01You replied, from my bag.
30:03Correct.
30:04OK.
30:05Who are you?
30:06Well, you might have also heard me say, who am I, Magnum P.I.?
30:10Because that is where I learned those skills.
30:12And I became obsessed with picking locks,
30:14so I bought a lockpick set.
30:16OK.
30:17And you can also buy practice locks that you can practice.
30:19Don't use this tone, I'm the fool, here.
30:21LAUGHTER
30:22Listen up, dummy!
30:23LAUGHTER
30:24Yes, and if you're wondering, the lockpick set is in my dressing room right now.
30:28Who do you let on this show, bruv?
30:30LAUGHTER
30:31Says fucking Guess the Sweets.
30:33LAUGHTER
30:34Well, who's only going to get one point, then?
30:39Well, fatter you.
30:40Correct.
30:41What?!
30:42LAUGHTER
30:43I feel like I've dissed Rosie really badly, but it's probably the least accurate.
30:48Two points for Rosie.
30:49Oh, God, everybody else was pretty good.
30:51God!
30:52Maybe Jason gets three.
30:53I'm going to make a rogue decision and say that because I think that he moved the hearts of the nation with his beautiful son, I'm going to give Matthew the five points.
31:01APPLAUSE
31:02There we go.
31:03Four to three to five to three.
31:04Incredible.
31:05Sharing is cool.
31:06APPLAUSE
31:07I'd like another task, please, little Alex Head.
31:11OK, yes, and roll up, roll up.
31:14No, I don't mean reefers, Greg.
31:16I mean it's time for the greatest sporting event of all time.
31:21MUSIC PLAYS
31:39Well...
31:40LAUGHTER
31:41What have you been?
31:42Just been for a little hike around the forest, clearly.
31:45Mmm.
31:46Should we do it?
31:48By we, I mean me, and you just... stand around.
31:55Win the Peely-lympics.
31:57Win the Peely-impics.
32:00Peely-impics.
32:02Well, P-E-A-L-Y. Peely.
32:06M-P-I-C-S. Peely-impics.
32:09Peely-impics.
32:10Peely-impics.
32:11There are five events.
32:12The top two performers in each event get a medal.
32:16Most medals wins.
32:18Mm-hmm.
32:19So it doesn't matter if you come first or second,
32:21as long as you come first or second.
32:22All right.
32:23Yeah?
32:24Yeah.
32:25Ready for the Peely-impics?
32:26Do I have a choice?
32:28LAUGHTER
32:29Yeah, exactly.
32:30APPLAUSE
32:35OK.
32:36Straight in.
32:37Straight in.
32:38Well, first up, it is Fatia and Mattia.
32:41Five events.
32:42This is event number one.
32:44Work out which pillow the P is under.
32:48In the fewest guesses, you have three minutes.
32:51Well, it could be any of them, couldn't it?
32:53Could be.
32:54I think it's that yellow one.
32:55Right.
32:56Chop, chop.
32:57Not under there.
32:58The green one next to it, please.
32:59Right.
33:00No.
33:01The order of colours changes around here.
33:03Oh, that's interesting.
33:04Is that arbitrary?
33:06Either is or isn't.
33:07How many are there?
33:1126.
33:12Nice number.
33:13Whatever.
33:14I don't feel like it makes a difference.
33:1520 seconds to find the P.
33:20That green one over there?
33:21Er, no.
33:22Two seconds.
33:27Nice sound of the P.
33:28Well, that was a waste of time.
33:29Yep, I agree.
33:30Ready for the second event?
33:31Wow.
33:32I don't mind going back to your spot.
33:33If you don't mind, I'd like to just dwell on the regret.
33:35Yep.
33:36No, it's fine.
33:38Balance your P on the highest tower of carrots.
33:41You have three minutes.
33:42I don't have the P.
33:43Can I get you the P?
33:44Here we go.
33:45You're out of order.
33:46I'm taking my mind here.
33:48I think it counts, doesn't it?
33:5212 seconds left.
33:58Not long now.
33:59Two seconds, really.
34:01Fuck off!
34:02No!
34:03Event number two is over.
34:09It's a lovely tower.
34:11No P.
34:12Right, event number three.
34:14OK.
34:15Catch a P fired from the P catapult.
34:18If you catch a P in one hand, your time is divided by two.
34:22If you catch a P in your mouth, your time is divided by five.
34:26Good luck, Matthew.
34:27Here they come.
34:28Literally can't see it.
34:29Couldn't see it.
34:30Quick.
34:31I can't even see it.
34:32I can't see it.
34:33Can you do more than one?
34:34Yeah.
34:35Do it again.
34:36I can't even see it.
34:37I can't even see it.
34:38I can't even see it.
34:39Can you do more than one?
34:40Yeah.
34:41Do it again?
34:42Why couldn't you get, like, the big bees?
34:43The haricots or whatever they're called.
34:44Why you get these?
34:45Who's catching these?
34:46I'm not a bird.
34:47If it gets in my hijabs, does that count?
35:12Yeah, that counts.
35:13I've got loads.
35:14Ah, congratulations.
35:16Congratulations, this is the last one, please
35:24Is there a pee in your hand
35:29That's the end of event number three
35:33Throw a pee the furthest. Towards the river, please. So into the wind. Yep
35:41Throw a pee that way. Yeah, it must be in that direction. Yeah, I know you're deranged, right?
35:46So I know I'm gonna throw this and then you're gonna make me go and get it
35:53Few practices
35:57Are you gonna actually throw the yeah, I'm gonna throw the real one now
36:10Find your throne pee the fastest love a maximum of three minutes time stuff
36:16See when you open the top be careful
36:18Why did I do practices?
36:20There's my pee. Can you see it? That was my one
36:23Yeah, dude
36:26That's it you got two minutes ten
36:31You're gonna be finding peas not carrots
36:33I've got the top
36:35Yes!
36:39APPLAUSE
36:41Maki, we've not even won full episodes into this series and I think you might be close to the edge
36:51That is not even close to my lowest eb. I remember that fondly if anything
36:59Fabulous
37:00Fatia, I'm sure you find this show an inconvenience
37:05How dare you?
37:05How dare
37:06I call fucking five peas brother, are you mad?
37:08Yes, well
37:13So that's the end of part three who will win the episode and then have to drag home a tv trolley not me and that's all that matters
37:20Thank you
37:30Welcome back to the final part of this first outing with our new competitors
37:35Before the break they've been taking part in our very own pee based olympics
37:38Oh, yes, the old peely impics
37:42Five events and just three legume legends to go so
37:46Last up to the mark it's rosie stevie and jase
37:50Work out which pillow the pee is under you may not tamper with a pillow before guessing
37:55So it's just guess maybe i'm gonna guess this one no no
38:00No, no, do you know where the pee is?
38:03No, no, no, the peas don't talk
38:06Don't think people my life. No, they're vegetables
38:09I'm just gonna guess this guy and this guy i'm gonna get this guy
38:13There's no way it has to be guessed oh really so i'm just gonna do them all
38:19Are they look this guy this guy there it is i like your system yeah, i just chose different guys to uh to flip over
38:31That one
38:33There's two peas under there
38:36Weirdly you put a pea under the right pillow
38:40It was clever but unnecessary yeah and i was a tamper to a bit so i've lost okay cool
38:44Jesus christ
38:46What balance your pea on the highest tower of carrots i'm not good at building stuff you know right
38:53I wouldn't have said that a carrot is a rolly veg but yeah all right
38:57Have you washed these carrots we will
39:0912 seconds
39:24That's as good as i'm gonna get i think
39:2510 seconds
39:28Where's the pea?
39:33This is the pea this is the pea
39:34Two seconds
39:34No
39:35I mean this is irrelevant
39:44That's a lovely tower will you do any better in event number three
39:50Catch a pea fired from the pea catapult if you catch a pea in your mouth your time is divided by five good luck
39:55Okay go
39:59What how can you do one test please
40:02Oh
40:15Got it let's see
40:16Okay
40:19Okay what about if you fire it right into my face
40:2455 seconds
40:26Can you catch one?
40:27No
40:31Yes
40:31Go to pea
40:33Here we go
40:36Congratulations
40:41Draw a pea the furthest
40:44Now i'll be honest i'm gonna tuck this in there nobody's ever gonna find it
40:52P is inside
40:56The pea has been thrown
41:04I think it got down to here
41:07Did it?
41:11Have you found the pea yet?
41:12No
41:16Got it
41:17I've stopped the clock i will need to check the peas in it
41:21Any sign of the pea?
41:2520 seconds we're hurrying up
41:27Okay i'll try another bit
41:30You found the pea?
41:31I found the pea
41:32I don't know
41:33I don't know
41:33I don't know
41:33Come on
41:35If i'd have got that carrot tower
41:39It all rested on that carrot tower
41:41No
41:41I don't know
41:41I don't know
41:55Oh my god
41:56Well that's the most joyous moment so far
42:00Unbelievably, she found a pea in a field quicker than these two found carrots in a field.
42:08Well, you found loads of other carrots before your one.
42:10You took over two minutes, she found hers in a minute and a half.
42:12Wow.
42:13Now, on to the tragic story of this particular pea-limp.
42:17But there was a victory within your attempt, wasn't there?
42:19I mean, no-one's made a better carrot tower than that ever.
42:23But I then lost because the pea rolled off.
42:25Yes.
42:26No, I know, I mean, it's all for nothing.
42:28LAUGHTER
42:29Well, the medal ceremony will happen on the screen behind me,
42:31and I can tell you that, Stevie, as you can see,
42:33you did get one medal for your catch in your mouth.
42:35Matt, you also got one medal, so you come joint fourth.
42:37You get two points.
42:38Fatia, you got two golds in your tower and your find.
42:41You are third.
42:42Two people in first place.
42:43Jason, with your two golds and your silver.
42:45Rosie, you got one gold and two silvers, so you both get five points.
42:49APPLAUSE
42:53So we're going to look at the scores?
42:54Yes.
42:55Fatia, you are in last place with nine points.
42:59Jason and Matt in the lead on 14.
43:02APPLAUSE
43:04Please make your way to the stage for the final task of the show!
43:08APPLAUSE
43:09Hello there, sweet cheeks.
43:18Hi, Greg.
43:19Who will be reading the task?
43:20I would like Rosie Ramsey to read it, please.
43:22Rosie.
43:23Pleasure.
43:24Get the most raisins in your wine glass.
43:29You may only touch raisins with your mouth.
43:32You must not bend at the waist and your hands must be behind your back at all times.
43:38Also, every time you drop a raisin into your wine glass, you must shout the name of one of your competitors.
43:44That competitor must immediately shout their name, too.
43:48If they don't, Alex will empty their wine glass.
43:52Oof.
43:53You have 100 seconds.
43:54Wow.
43:55So, Greg is going to be watching the waist work.
43:58Greg, if you think someone's bending, I'll come over.
44:00Oh, my God, I'll be on them like a puma.
44:02Yes.
44:03LAUGHTER
44:04But also I will empty their wine glass.
44:05OK, good luck, everyone.
44:06Your time starts on the whistle.
44:08WHISTLE BLOWS
44:10Don't bend that waist.
44:12WHISTLE BLOWS
44:14WHISTLE BLOWS
44:16Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
44:18You must shout someone's name if you...
44:20Jason!
44:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:22Jason!
44:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:27LAUGHTER
44:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:31Rosie, Shat?
44:33Did you hear me?
44:35Rosie!
44:36No, no.
44:37Matthew!
44:38Matthew!
44:39You must shout your own name.
44:40Oh, fuck!
44:41Well...
44:42Rosie!
44:43Rosie!
44:44Boo-boo!
44:48Rosie!
44:49Rosie!
44:50Rosie!
44:51Rosie!
44:52Rosie, you've got to shout your own name.
44:53She did shout that.
44:54Jason!
44:55Matthew!
44:57Vatiyah!
44:58Vatiyah!
44:59Vatiyah!
45:00Vatiyah!
45:01Well, I would empty it.
45:02Rosie!
45:03Rosie!
45:04Rosie!
45:05Vatiyah!
45:06Vatiyah!
45:07Vatiyah!
45:08Vatiyah!
45:09Vatiyah!
45:10Vatiyah!
45:11Vatiyah!
45:12Vatiyah!
45:13Vatiyah!
45:14Vatiyah!
45:15Vatiyah!
45:16Vatiyah!
45:17Vatiyah!
45:18Vatiyah!
45:19Vatiyah!
45:20Vatiyah!
45:21Vatiyah!
45:22Vatiyah!
45:23Vatiyah!
45:24Vatiyah!
45:25Vatiyah!
45:26Vatiyah!
45:27Vatiyah!
45:28Vatiyah!
45:29Vatiyah!
45:30Vatiyah!
45:31Vatiyah!
45:32Stop it! Stop it!
45:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:40Thank you, guys. Listen, we'll work the scores out.
45:43We'll add them to your final scores. Please come down and join me!
45:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:53Well, well, well, that was...insane.
45:58I guess we start with Fatia. You didn't get any raisins in your glass in the end.
46:01And there's a very good reason for that, isn't there, Fatia?
46:03Yeah. My shoe's in you. I'm not getting on the floor, right?
46:09She gets one point, Ridley,
46:10which is more than the amount of raisins she got in the glass.
46:13So it's one to Fatia.
46:14Jason ended up with just three raisins in this glass.
46:16Two points to Jason.
46:18Incredibly, Stevie and Rosie both got 70 raisins in their glass.
46:22Oh, my God!
46:23So they share second place and four points each,
46:25but Matthew, with 315 raisins, gets five points!
46:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:31So, I think we have to say scores.
46:34In first place, it's Matt with 19 points!
46:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:38Matthew wins!
46:40Please sail up to the stage and snap up your school day star!
46:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:47MUSIC PLAYS
46:52MUSIC CONTINUES
46:57AND APPLAUSE
47:02MUSIC CONTINUES
47:06MUSIC CONTINUES
47:08AND APPLAUSE
47:10MUSIC CONTINUES
47:11AND APPLAUSE