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00:00:00Manhood, brought to you in part by Solomon's Bespoke.
00:00:06Manhood, brought to you in part by Superfarm.
00:00:13Welcome to another episode of Manhood where we always aim to be better as brothers.
00:00:18And again, we are not speaking on behalf of all men, we are speaking to all men, to all women, to everyone who's willing to listen.
00:00:25And hopefully we can share something that brings about a positive change to your life, as it certainly does to our lives after every episode.
00:00:32So to my right, Johanse Iodike, Behaviour Change Consultant, the man in the plaid pants.
00:00:40Study that.
00:00:41Popular plaid.
00:00:42I like it, I like it.
00:00:44To his right, Terran Callender.
00:00:46You know, he has so many titles.
00:00:48The one he's going to use today is broadcaster, musician, you know, business owner.
00:00:52There's so many that you're known for.
00:00:54So thanks for being here today.
00:00:55And to his right, Stuart Fraser, creative director, advertising mogul.
00:01:01You know, extraordinary.
00:01:03There's just a lot happening here today.
00:01:06And really another very important topic, one that I'm sure we can all certainly relate to, and that's victim mentality.
00:01:17Let that digest just for a moment.
00:01:18Victim mentality of which we're all culpable of.
00:01:24You say all culpable of?
00:01:26You sure or not?
00:01:27All.
00:01:27You sure you can make that statement?
00:01:29At one period?
00:01:29I think so.
00:01:31All.
00:01:31Yeah.
00:01:32More than once.
00:01:33Maybe at some point in every man's life, he was there.
00:01:38Without a doubt.
00:01:38With growth, you could step away from, right?
00:01:43We could step away from it a little bit.
00:01:44But if you're being honest, and as we say, the name of the show is manhood, and we're here to really be vulnerable.
00:01:49And one of my key sayings is a man's, he would have heard this from me a thousand times, a man's superpower is his vulnerability.
00:01:56When you could be vulnerable in your truth is when things come out.
00:01:59And if I have to sit here and be honest, I've been there because we all have the trait that's like having a cool.
00:02:05You might not have it all the time.
00:02:06Sometimes you could take a little panel or whatever, the cure the cool.
00:02:09But we all have that little narcissistic trait at some point in time.
00:02:12You might stumble upon it, walk down the road, and it hits you.
00:02:15And then you take stock of self and reflect on what you may have said or may have done to say, well, listen, that was an off mood.
00:02:23So if we're talking about victim, we have placed ourselves in positions already where you have done something and project and then try and flip it back to say that how dynamite is because of you.
00:02:36When you fully well know the position that you're in already created by yourself.
00:02:41And if we have to sit here and be truthful, guys, we have all done it.
00:02:45If you want to sit next to me and say, no, I never do that, you're done in the lie already because we know for a fact the sun rises in the east and sets in the west.
00:02:53You have lied to yourself a thousand times and to somebody who you love at some point in time.
00:02:59What you have to do, continue to try doing, as I always say, is have difficult conversations.
00:03:04Get comfortable having difficult conversations where you can then go back and say, all right, cool.
00:03:10Yeah, I was off there.
00:03:11I was wrong.
00:03:12I should not operate that way.
00:03:13You understand, we do it with the littlest of things sometimes, you know.
00:03:16You see what you said there about, you know, I was wrong?
00:03:21That is such a hard thing to say for a lot of people because even though you may say the words, you may verbalize or vocalize those, you might say those same words.
00:03:28I'm sorry.
00:03:30The truth is, are you really sorry with regards to that and are you in victim?
00:03:34We spoke about that a couple of shows back where at one point I remember Johansi coming and saying to me that he was no longer going to apologize.
00:03:42No, I say I wasn't saying please anymore.
00:03:44You wasn't saying please anymore.
00:03:46Right.
00:03:46Right?
00:03:46And we had some conversations and even though people say, I'm sorry, like you ask yourself sometimes, what indeed are you sorry about?
00:03:55And, you know, like something happens to someone, they go, I'm sorry to hear that.
00:04:00It's like, well, what do you have to do with you?
00:04:02Because you're not really sorry.
00:04:04You're not really sorry.
00:04:05So I take your point, I don't call you TC for the show.
00:04:10I take your point that we, and I said from the start, we all have been there and many cases continue to be there in some way, shape, form or fashion.
00:04:21Because in the same way someone says, boy, that man make me angry.
00:04:26Nobody, hang on, nobody's made you angry.
00:04:29You have given over that power of that emotion that nobody made you angry.
00:04:34Because from the time you lose control, you're out of control, you've given, you've given away your control or lost it.
00:04:41So, yeah, so like just to touch on that too, I read somewhere that anger is a punishment that you give to yourself for someone else's actions.
00:04:48And I think just to touch on what you were saying, part of it is that we are, I think we are all fully aware of what we're doing.
00:04:56And I think taking ownership of that is part of the solution.
00:05:01You have to be responsible.
00:05:02And I think that is where that victim mentality might come from is the unwillingness to be responsible for your inaction.
00:05:09I disagree with the first part of your statement when you say a thing that we are all aware of it, right?
00:05:15Right.
00:05:16Because some, I've had clients, and even myself, because I'll go back to what Robert was saying, we say that person gave me angry, right?
00:05:24What I realize is that that is a lot in part of Trinidad culture, you know?
00:05:28We grew up with our parents telling us, well, it's you have me feeling so.
00:05:32So therefore we pick it up and we claim.
00:05:34You make me cry.
00:05:35So the awareness, yes, but sometimes it becomes so much of us that we no longer aware that we have the responsibility.
00:05:44So one is a lot in couples, in couples counseling, that each spouse would blame each other for their actions.
00:05:52Or that person is responsible for my happiness.
00:05:56Right.
00:05:56Or that person gave me angry.
00:05:57Or that person have me so.
00:06:00And it's only when give them a little psychoeducation in terms of, no, actually you are in control of your emotions.
00:06:06If you are choosing to be angry, you are choosing to be sad, et cetera, that they say, you know, I've never heard that before.
00:06:14I didn't even know that.
00:06:16So I agree with you with the end product, which is we should be responsible for our actions, but I don't think everybody's out there.
00:06:23So you don't think like, all right, so that now adds some perspective to a thought process I've had for a long time as far as criminals to just basic inability to accept responsibility.
00:06:35My personal point of view is that we all have a moral compass, whether it be the Holy Spirit, whether it be a conscience or whatever.
00:06:42But in my mind, I always thought that, especially in your quiet time, we have a level of self-awareness where something in you tells you what you did was wrong or how you reacted to the situation wasn't the best way.
00:06:58And then sometimes we choose to just push that aside.
00:07:00So you probably added some clarity now to me because my misconception, if you want to call it that, was that I always believe we all know what we do.
00:07:08We all know when we're doing.
00:07:10I don't know.
00:07:11I could be wrong in that.
00:07:12I don't know.
00:07:12I don't know.
00:07:13But I just want to say that right and wrong is a perspective.
00:07:16Right and wrong depends on the environment.
00:07:18So, and I always use this as an analogy.
00:07:21So say, for example, 9-11.
00:07:24To the victims of 9-11 in New York, et cetera, right, the persons that committed this were terrorists.
00:07:32But where they came from, they are martyrs, right?
00:07:35So the compass you're speaking about there is right and wrong.
00:07:38So to them, they're doing something right and following a belief and a system and a religion.
00:07:43That's their interpretation.
00:07:45To someone else on the receiving end, that man is a terrorist.
00:07:48Okay.
00:07:48So it comes down to that compass.
00:07:51When, say, the criminal element goes and steals something, I need food.
00:07:57Right.
00:07:58I have an intention.
00:07:59So to them, it's not right or wrong.
00:08:00I just need to do this.
00:08:01But you wouldn't say that part of him knows what he's doing is by societal standards, not the best thing?
00:08:07It's illegal.
00:08:08But don't you think that inside he would feel something, I mean, I'm just asking, something inside would tell him.
00:08:15Yeah, yeah, pop in.
00:08:17You're born into a place where your entire family, their operation of business is to go out on the road and rub and steal.
00:08:24Right.
00:08:25You're born into them rubbing and stealing.
00:08:27There's nobody there who teach you that rubbing and stealing is wrong.
00:08:31True.
00:08:31So in your mind, you're doing, you're in the family business to rub and steal.
00:08:36Right?
00:08:37You're in the family business.
00:08:38You're doing what is expected of you.
00:08:40So when, you know why that happens?
00:08:43What we have to do, as I try to tell everybody, is we, and he said, he said, boy, he's got some gems, you know.
00:08:49You see, you see community, bro.
00:08:52You see environment.
00:08:55And the fact that Trinidad culture, we need to be respectful of our place and try and understand it a little better.
00:09:03We have so much to unlearn in this space is why we are going through what we're going through.
00:09:08Right?
00:09:08Because we think that you were raised and born a particular way.
00:09:16You know about First Communion and Confirmation and, you understand?
00:09:22And then somebody, somebody else on the next side is like, what the hell is that?
00:09:26Right.
00:09:26So they're looking at you as a ghost, as a alien.
00:09:29And then in their will, whatever they do is Bible.
00:09:33It's the correct way.
00:09:34Your way is the correct way.
00:09:35Their way is the correct way.
00:09:36Who write?
00:09:38So now what we have to learn.
00:09:39No, no, no.
00:09:40So this is, no, this is what we, the funny, one of the first things we have to do is see people.
00:09:47We have the, we have the, and we have to see people first, bro.
00:09:51I just see it.
00:09:51You go in our environment.
00:09:53You are who you are.
00:09:54You walk into our room.
00:09:55The person who making coffee, you automatically look down on that person because you feel better.
00:09:59That is a very good mindset to have.
00:10:01You have to see people and the faster you learn to see people, the whole victim thing come because hear what?
00:10:08You believe you're living in righteousness.
00:10:10So if somebody sees a different perspective to you and do something that you feel slighted, you then automatically become the victims.
00:10:16That is why the whole current thing happened in the United States.
00:10:19They have a, they live in a sense of privilege.
00:10:21So if you come in the neighborhood and park your car on their street, I know the victim.
00:10:27Why is this car blocking off my driveway?
00:10:28Bro, that person is also entitled to park on the street.
00:10:32Well, you see, the thing is, what, and you all could agree or disagree with this, of course, the word victim now, nowadays, victim is being misconstrued.
00:10:43Because if you look at the dictionary meaning of victim, a victim is a person who is under the consequence of being hurt or some kind of violence.
00:10:51Correct.
00:10:52And or somebody who believes and adopts a passive mentality towards a situation.
00:10:59Correct.
00:10:59Right?
00:11:00So when you're saying there about the current phenomenon where somebody come and park in their neighborhood and then they don't like it, so they become a victim.
00:11:09Now, that is not really the definition of a victim.
00:11:12No, it's under, it's under, it's under playing the victim.
00:11:15That is, that is the phraseology that would then, um, qualify what, what we are now putting as today's context.
00:11:22So it's, it's taking away from victim as the, not the Bible, the dictionary meaning of it, but in context of playing the victim is, is, is a nut.
00:11:31All right, let me be a devil's advocate, a young lady, right?
00:11:34Comes and pleads, she just got raped.
00:11:38That's a victim.
00:11:39She's a victim.
00:11:40But then, when people do the backstory, you was out late, you was half naked, you went with five men in a car, and all of a sudden, it's like, you look for that.
00:11:55Because the story changes, because of perspective, right?
00:11:57Like, nobody, the sticks to the gun, whether or not she was naked, there is no reason for anybody to jump out themselves and feel that they're entitled to touch, pull, grope, do anything.
00:12:09Yeah.
00:12:10Point blank.
00:12:10Yeah.
00:12:11And this is where the whole thing breaks down.
00:12:14It's like, what are you saying?
00:12:15The dictionary term for victim is just that.
00:12:18But we have always found, and that's human being, brother, we always find our way to change the wrong, to manipulate a situation.
00:12:25And that's what I said at the beginning, we all done it, us as men, you know what will happen, right?
00:12:32You have a girl that you're talking to on your phone.
00:12:35You know, you're not supposed to see it, hide it.
00:12:37You went and bathed, your woman happened to see a off message, right?
00:12:41She call you out on it.
00:12:42You get catch.
00:12:43So, automatically, a shame.
00:12:45Shame is the first thing overtaking you.
00:12:46And in that shame, she starts to talk at you, because she's now stating, all the things I've done, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da.
00:12:54And then, all of a sudden, you become the victim.
00:12:56And you know what?
00:12:57It's because you didn't talk to me last week while I was talking to this girl.
00:13:00You're not looking to find a reason.
00:13:01Of course.
00:13:02You're looking to find a reason to blame her for you doing something you shouldn't do.
00:13:07So, that takes me into another realm that, you know, we're certainly going to probably take over the show speaking about.
00:13:14Because as we speak about victim mentality, and we're having an understanding of what we all perceive as a victim.
00:13:21And you're right.
00:13:21There's victim by the dictionary meaning, and victim as it's used today, playing the victim.
00:13:26But that's another level that you're talking about, where one of the things that we bandy about very often and use, it's the word narcissist.
00:13:34You know, it's narcissist.
00:13:34And I like when you start off the conversation, you know, as part of your first, you know, you're opening your dialogue to start.
00:13:43You use the word narcissistic traits.
00:13:46And one of the things that I always encourage people, a narcissist is a very strong word to use for someone.
00:13:51And a big misconception.
00:13:52And it's a big misconception.
00:13:54A narcissist is always neighbor to a man.
00:13:58When you're a narcissist, you're talking about a man.
00:14:00That is not true.
00:14:01And on top of that, there's a difference between having narcissistic traits and a narcissist.
00:14:06So the narcissistic traits, as if you want to put the red flag, is someone who will then flip the script, so to speak.
00:14:12We all do.
00:14:13So, you answer your phone.
00:14:15Oh, look, you see what I'm talking about?
00:14:16You never give me the privacy.
00:14:18You know, this is what I keep going on about.
00:14:20You know, and a man can't just be a man.
00:14:23And I need to be respected in my house.
00:14:24He's the king of my...
00:14:25And you just flip this whole script on somebody.
00:14:28And I'm not taking...
00:14:29Now, it doesn't take away the fact that she was wrong to go in your phone.
00:14:33But the action on the other side...
00:14:34So you have two persons playing a victim.
00:14:36And then you almost have like a subcontext inside of the other victimhood.
00:14:39So you have...
00:14:40She's the victim now based on what has happened to you.
00:14:44The man is...
00:14:44The man is playing...
00:14:45Everybody's...
00:14:46This is what I'm saying to you.
00:14:48Everybody's a victim.
00:14:49Because the man is also playing the victim knowing that he is wrong.
00:14:52Correct.
00:14:52In this case.
00:14:53He knows he messed up.
00:14:54But he's trying to correct it because he doesn't want the consequences of that action
00:15:00and wants to come out the stronger.
00:15:02So, you know, you're bringing...
00:15:03There's all this context here and I really want to explore it more.
00:15:08But I want us to...
00:15:10One of the biggest things when we were talking about victim mentality that came to mind
00:15:14is this new wave, Johan C. T.C. Stewart.
00:15:19This new thing about the understanding of who could play a victim and that.
00:15:24But it's now the perception or the wanting to be a victim is a new thing now.
00:15:31You don't really have a reason to be a victim.
00:15:34But you manifest as if somehow you were hard done by.
00:15:39You know why?
00:15:40And it's this new thing.
00:15:42It's like, you know, I'm persecuted and you're like...
00:15:44When you check the background, brother, you had no a** reason to be in this particular state.
00:15:51But you need to be because it comes like the cool thing now.
00:15:54Because it has a price tag.
00:15:57Victims get funded on GoFundMe.
00:16:00So now there's a price tag to certain situations.
00:16:03If I could run out there in the morning and sell a story about something that happened to me,
00:16:07I'm the tiger boy.
00:16:08And I can play on the harp strings of a nation of 1.4 million people.
00:16:13And I can get 15% of them to give me $100 each.
00:16:16That's a payday.
00:16:17But right, so you're talking on one aspect.
00:16:19Yeah, you're talking on one aspect.
00:16:20But how I, my, another point of view is a lot smaller than that,
00:16:28where you find individuals in social settings play the victim.
00:16:34And I, my point of view is almost a form of laziness.
00:16:39And again, it comes back down to not accepting responsibility.
00:16:42So let's just say, for argument's sake, somebody just home, not working.
00:16:49And they'll say, well, it's because I can't get a job.
00:16:50And it's because of the government.
00:16:51And because my father didn't bring me up this way.
00:16:54My mother didn't bring me.
00:16:55No, I think that is just laziness.
00:16:57And the inability to take action.
00:17:00You have to, have to, have to take action.
00:17:02Facts.
00:17:02Not necessarily, no.
00:17:03But right now, we are the victim of time.
00:17:05So we're going to have room.
00:17:06Oh.
00:17:12Welcome back to manhood.
00:17:18We're talking about victim and the victim mentality.
00:17:21And still, before we went to the break,
00:17:23you were saying something about people being home
00:17:26and just saying, well, it's the government hammer,
00:17:28so I can't get a job.
00:17:29It's because of how my father, what my father didn't do, et cetera, et cetera.
00:17:32And you're saying that they're lazy, right?
00:17:34So I'll throw something in the mix.
00:17:36I just have to, I'll have to explain it, but go ahead.
00:17:39Sorry.
00:17:39I, I don't, even though the word lazy,
00:17:42exists, I don't think anybody lazy, right?
00:17:45Laziness really doesn't exist to me
00:17:47because it's either you want to do something
00:17:49or you don't want to do something, right?
00:17:51And not a cutie, but would you not see that
00:17:54unwillingness to take action as a form of laziness
00:17:58in terms of-
00:17:59Well, you're not rot.
00:18:00No.
00:18:01Well, no.
00:18:01No.
00:18:01So, so like my, my, I've, I've read this somewhere
00:18:04that your rewards in life are an exact proportion
00:18:08to your level of action.
00:18:09Okay.
00:18:10That, that's how I view it.
00:18:11But then too, maybe you are looking at a reward
00:18:15for somebody that they're not looking at for themselves.
00:18:16No, and by reward, I mean, you know-
00:18:18No, but being a, be the action of being a victim now.
00:18:20Let me say, you just want to change your weight.
00:18:23No, the action of being a victim now brings reward.
00:18:25And that's what I was going on coming with
00:18:27because the thing is, we as human beings,
00:18:31we only do things that are reward to us now,
00:18:34that we think, we think that we're going to reward to us, right?
00:18:38So, if it's in a society, being a victim is rewarded, then I will do that.
00:18:43If growing up in a family, or when you talk about culture before,
00:18:47being a victim is rewarded, then I'll do that.
00:18:50Also, people, a lot of, a lot of people nowadays,
00:18:54you see how we define this as victimhood?
00:18:56Sometimes that is their lived reality
00:18:58because there's intentional victim
00:19:00and there's also consequential victims.
00:19:03Right, right, but we talk about intentional victims here.
00:19:06Right, so you see, what I'm using there is sometimes,
00:19:10to us example, sometimes that may be consequential victimhood
00:19:13because I grew up, if I grew up, everybody telling me
00:19:16the government is the government fault we poor.
00:19:19If, as a little child, that's all I'm hearing,
00:19:21then I grew up as a consequential victim,
00:19:24not necessarily thinking, well, you know what?
00:19:26I am purposefully going to be a victim.
00:19:30If you understand what I say.
00:19:31Yeah, but it's also the excuse inside of there.
00:19:35It's an excuse for that.
00:19:36No, but not an excuse.
00:19:37But I'm hearing what is being said,
00:19:40but there's also a rut, and I do like,
00:19:42and I know you've said it before,
00:19:43and I'll say it to you again,
00:19:44I do like the word reward.
00:19:45I understand the premise of it,
00:19:47that reward, people automatically go into self
00:19:50and do things that will benefit them,
00:19:53and that happens a lot in society.
00:19:55But when I hear reward, I'm automatically,
00:19:57you know, it's like when you tell some women
00:19:59the word compromise, even though there's a dictionary meaning,
00:20:01from the time you hear it to, like,
00:20:02if somebody's an ultra-feminist, for example,
00:20:05right, and they hear compromise,
00:20:06what, a compromise, that means I'm going to upset self.
00:20:10And the same thing with the word reward.
00:20:12But there is a reward.
00:20:13You answered right.
00:20:14Rewarding positivity.
00:20:15I am thinking that if I'm in a rut,
00:20:19so, and I've used this example before,
00:20:21I know that if I go and my LDLs are high
00:20:24and I have bad cholesterol, et cetera,
00:20:26you have to do certain things in order to survive,
00:20:28otherwise you could get a heart attack and you can die.
00:20:30But you could still be in a mindset
00:20:32that you just don't know how to come over that rut
00:20:35to say exercise.
00:20:36So it's not a matter of necessarily correlated
00:20:38directly to a reward.
00:20:40It's sometimes you just simply don't know
00:20:42how to get out of a particular situation.
00:20:44If you don't know, then maybe it's not a victim.
00:20:46See, if you want to do something,
00:20:48you don't have a solution,
00:20:50then it's not a victim.
00:20:52Because I really want to,
00:20:53same thing, let's say I really want to lose weight.
00:20:56But let's say I've tried a lot of things
00:20:58and I don't know how.
00:20:58And it didn't work for me.
00:20:59But I don't know how to move my body
00:21:01to get to the point I want to get at.
00:21:03It's not a victim in that case.
00:21:04So again, I'm probably,
00:21:06and Robert will tell it,
00:21:07I'm pretty harsh,
00:21:09and my wife tells me that as well,
00:21:10because in my mind,
00:21:12unlike anybody else,
00:21:13what is easy to somebody
00:21:15might not be as easy for somebody else.
00:21:17So I get really frustrated at times,
00:21:20especially with family,
00:21:21which we could get to as well,
00:21:23where something that should be easy.
00:21:28And again, it's easy because,
00:21:31like I've told my brother once,
00:21:32when you start in a business,
00:21:35I told him,
00:21:36stop starting and start.
00:21:38Stop talking about starting and just start.
00:21:40And by start, I mean,
00:21:41just take one,
00:21:42not even do it,
00:21:43do take one incremental step
00:21:45and then that win will make you make the next step.
00:21:47You're not going to look at a flight of stairs.
00:21:49How do you get to the top of these stairs?
00:21:51It's one step at a time.
00:21:52And so it frustrates me to no end
00:21:54when people keep looking for a reason.
00:21:57Because you are there.
00:21:58You are there.
00:21:59Time.
00:22:00But how,
00:22:01okay, so just,
00:22:02let me finish my point.
00:22:03Sorry.
00:22:04I'm going to use myself as an example.
00:22:06You know me for a very long time.
00:22:08You know me since forever.
00:22:10I have had at least three times
00:22:12where I could have used my life experience
00:22:14as an excuse to not be,
00:22:17if you're going to say,
00:22:17where I am today.
00:22:18Correct.
00:22:18I could have.
00:22:19Right.
00:22:20And I didn't because I had introspection.
00:22:24I realized,
00:22:24okay,
00:22:24I want to be somewhere
00:22:25and I don't mean to do this,
00:22:27but I want to be somewhere.
00:22:28And I knew what had to be done to get there.
00:22:31And that's all it is.
00:22:32So that's why,
00:22:32to me,
00:22:32it frustrates me because,
00:22:34because it came easy.
00:22:34But it's like Oprah says it,
00:22:37right?
00:22:37She could have gone left
00:22:39because of all the trauma
00:22:41and situations that happened.
00:22:43But now she's Oprah Winfrey
00:22:44and other persons have gone,
00:22:46that have gone through
00:22:46what Oprah went through
00:22:47have killed themselves
00:22:48or ended up on drugs
00:22:50and all these different things.
00:22:51So.
00:22:51I'm going back to the point
00:22:53that I was making
00:22:53about seeing people,
00:22:54right?
00:22:55And listen,
00:22:56that right there
00:22:57is a work in progress.
00:22:59You,
00:23:00me,
00:23:00Robert,
00:23:01you can see,
00:23:01from a different generation.
00:23:03It's very hard
00:23:04for us to understand
00:23:06the mindset
00:23:07of the now.
00:23:09You see how you say,
00:23:11because you're looking,
00:23:11because here what,
00:23:12in your heart,
00:23:13your version of love
00:23:14is like,
00:23:15listen,
00:23:16you want the best
00:23:16for your brother.
00:23:17Everybody wants the best
00:23:18for the people they love.
00:23:20You are seeing
00:23:20the errors.
00:23:22You are seeing where
00:23:23you could do better
00:23:24or you could do more.
00:23:25Right.
00:23:25But that's really you know.
00:23:27You know.
00:23:28And I'm also hard
00:23:29because you see the potential.
00:23:30You see what the person could do.
00:23:32You see,
00:23:32right,
00:23:32but you seeing it
00:23:33also from your lens.
00:23:35Whereas,
00:23:36you know,
00:23:36if it was you,
00:23:37what you would have done.
00:23:39One,
00:23:39this is something
00:23:39that I struggle with
00:23:41and I will get personal now,
00:23:42like with my kids.
00:23:43I didn't think
00:23:44for a second,
00:23:45bro,
00:23:46I would have been
00:23:46a father once
00:23:47and a father
00:23:47of only girls.
00:23:49Which makes it
00:23:50ten times hard.
00:23:51I have one.
00:23:52Right?
00:23:52And the conversations
00:23:54are so hard sometimes
00:23:55and like,
00:23:57like ice picks
00:23:58in my chest
00:23:59because just like me,
00:24:01knowing potential,
00:24:01knowing what you want.
00:24:03But then,
00:24:03I have to find a space
00:24:05in my brain
00:24:05to understand and listen.
00:24:07She can,
00:24:08like we have a conversation
00:24:09the other day
00:24:09and I'm telling her,
00:24:11at your age,
00:24:13you know how much things
00:24:14I had done already?
00:24:16At your age now?
00:24:17And you acting as though,
00:24:19oh my God.
00:24:20They will owe you something.
00:24:21This is so hard.
00:24:22I'm like,
00:24:22that's frustrating me
00:24:23to the end.
00:24:23Bro, at your age,
00:24:25I already buying
00:24:25my own vehicle.
00:24:26Yeah.
00:24:27What are you talking about?
00:24:28But I now have to stop
00:24:29and say,
00:24:30listen,
00:24:31I have to choose
00:24:32how I have the conversation
00:24:33because I know
00:24:34how it's going to be received.
00:24:35And you have to have,
00:24:37as I say,
00:24:37those difficult conversations
00:24:39to get to the place
00:24:40where the person
00:24:42that you're seeing
00:24:42or you know
00:24:43that is falling short,
00:24:44you could find something
00:24:46to say
00:24:46and find a way
00:24:47to spark the spark
00:24:49that they need.
00:24:50And also,
00:24:51their reality
00:24:52is their reality.
00:24:54Yes.
00:24:54You want to say it?
00:24:55Their reality is their reality.
00:24:56So even like sometimes
00:24:57with my brother,
00:24:58I might say to myself,
00:25:00but I know full well,
00:25:01I'm seven years older than you.
00:25:02I practically took you
00:25:04around everywhere.
00:25:04So when you may say
00:25:05something to somebody,
00:25:06I might go,
00:25:07but that never happened.
00:25:09That never happened.
00:25:09That's not true.
00:25:10You had this
00:25:10and you had that.
00:25:11But his reality
00:25:12is his reality.
00:25:14So even though I might say,
00:25:15well,
00:25:15you had a pair of shoes.
00:25:16To him,
00:25:17it might be like,
00:25:17yeah,
00:25:17but I didn't have the Jordans.
00:25:19I didn't have the shoes
00:25:20I wanted.
00:25:20I wanted.
00:25:21And so,
00:25:22so it's almost like
00:25:23I wanted,
00:25:24I did not.
00:25:24This is also giving me
00:25:26perspective.
00:25:26When I leave this room,
00:25:28I think how I deal with
00:25:29it's just situation.
00:25:31Let me give you something,
00:25:33right?
00:25:33This is something
00:25:34I realized maybe
00:25:35about five years ago
00:25:37when,
00:25:38especially dealing
00:25:39with couples
00:25:40and especially dealing
00:25:41with people
00:25:41with motivation,
00:25:44right?
00:25:44common sense
00:25:46does not exist.
00:25:47You know,
00:25:47we say it's not common.
00:25:49It doesn't exist.
00:25:50What exists is your sense
00:25:51and my sense.
00:25:52Your sense,
00:25:53your sense,
00:25:53and my sense.
00:25:54So we all come from
00:25:55different backgrounds,
00:25:57different religions,
00:25:57different perspectives,
00:25:59et cetera.
00:25:59So when we all come in a room,
00:26:01it's like four different worlds
00:26:03colliding.
00:26:04So you might see something
00:26:05and you're going to say,
00:26:06well,
00:26:06it's a piece of paper.
00:26:07It's obvious you should pick it up.
00:26:09Somebody might say,
00:26:10well,
00:26:10it's obviously cleaner
00:26:11there to pick it up.
00:26:13But nobody's right or wrong.
00:26:15So even when we come in now
00:26:16with words like victim
00:26:17and perspective
00:26:18and things like that,
00:26:20it is not common.
00:26:22And many times,
00:26:23because we live
00:26:24in our own world,
00:26:25we,
00:26:26bold-facedness,
00:26:27we want people
00:26:29to think like us.
00:26:30We measure people.
00:26:31I am guilty of that.
00:26:32I am extremely guilty of that.
00:26:33Yes,
00:26:34I don't want to say it so.
00:26:35That's what I started.
00:26:35Me too,
00:26:36you know.
00:26:36All of us.
00:26:37All of us.
00:26:37Because I started off
00:26:40this segment,
00:26:41sorry,
00:26:41this episode
00:26:42by saying all.
00:26:43We are all victims,
00:26:44right?
00:26:44All.
00:26:45And I'm saying that
00:26:46I know I've had many conversations
00:26:48with him
00:26:48and you said it just now
00:26:50that we are from
00:26:50a different generation
00:26:52to your daughters
00:26:53and that way of thinking,
00:26:55the Gen Zs,
00:26:56the Gen Alphas.
00:26:57But I could tell you
00:26:59that even for all
00:27:01that I have accomplished
00:27:02and all that I do right now,
00:27:03I still go through
00:27:04those moments
00:27:05and when I turn,
00:27:06when I speak to,
00:27:07when I call short,
00:27:09he might go,
00:27:10but it's obvious.
00:27:13He might say that word,
00:27:14but to him,
00:27:15because he sees it
00:27:18so clearly,
00:27:19like,
00:27:20but I did this,
00:27:21I pivoted,
00:27:22this happened during COVID,
00:27:23I was able to pivot
00:27:24and because it-
00:27:25And it happens a lot.
00:27:26And again,
00:27:27that comes down to no excuses.
00:27:29No,
00:27:29but it comes easy
00:27:30for him at that point
00:27:31because of whatever
00:27:32his life experiences are.
00:27:33Now,
00:27:34like for example,
00:27:34when he lost his mother,
00:27:35how he put things in order
00:27:37is different to say maybe,
00:27:39how his brother put things
00:27:40in order.
00:27:41When my father died,
00:27:42I might put things
00:27:43in a particular way
00:27:44different to how my brother
00:27:45put things into perspective.
00:27:47And as he's saying,
00:27:48what has given me
00:27:49more clarity on this show
00:27:50as to how I deal
00:27:51with other people
00:27:52is there's an old,
00:27:53you know,
00:27:54Trini slang,
00:27:55who made you God?
00:27:57You know,
00:27:57people like to say,
00:27:58who made you God?
00:27:58So because I think
00:28:00this particular way,
00:28:01I'm not expecting
00:28:02everybody else
00:28:03to think that way.
00:28:04And that's my biggest problem.
00:28:06I assume that
00:28:07it's so straightforward
00:28:10that why can't you
00:28:12do it this way?
00:28:14Why can't you think
00:28:15this way,
00:28:15you know?
00:28:16You know,
00:28:16I'll go and say something
00:28:17a little controversial.
00:28:18That actually is a trait
00:28:19on narcissism.
00:28:20Yeah,
00:28:21it is.
00:28:21When we think,
00:28:23everybody have to think
00:28:24correctly.
00:28:25Not have to,
00:28:25you know,
00:28:25I question why.
00:28:27Because in your mind,
00:28:28why is this so different?
00:28:30Why are you questioning it?
00:28:31Because you have already
00:28:31appointed yourself as God.
00:28:33Yes!
00:28:34Who made you God?
00:28:35You appointed yourself
00:28:37as the new at all.
00:28:37Yeah.
00:28:38This is therapy, boy.
00:28:39This is like what I do,
00:28:40right,
00:28:41with certain things.
00:28:42I stay out of pocket
00:28:43in things that I am not
00:28:44mastering.
00:28:45Because I live in the school
00:28:46of I'm forever a student.
00:28:48For sure.
00:28:49Right?
00:28:49I'm here to learn
00:28:50every day from everybody.
00:28:53From the biggest
00:28:53to the smallest.
00:28:54You don't have to be,
00:28:55you could be a man
00:28:56selling me a man.
00:28:57God decided you would
00:28:58and you have something
00:28:58to teach me.
00:28:59Because you would have
00:29:00lived something
00:29:00that I would have
00:29:01never seen.
00:29:01So I pay full respect
00:29:03to that.
00:29:03Right?
00:29:04But we have to take time
00:29:06with self,
00:29:07as I said before,
00:29:08and analyze things
00:29:10and be like,
00:29:11no one to hold back.
00:29:12It's like this.
00:29:13We talk in traits.
00:29:14Like a trait that women do.
00:29:15That's a narcissistic trait
00:29:17in women
00:29:17that they don't even see.
00:29:19Like if they're having
00:29:19a little turmoil
00:29:20in baby daddy
00:29:21kind of situations.
00:29:22They will call the child,
00:29:23hey, what's going on?
00:29:24You buy your daddy?
00:29:25You eat today?
00:29:26Yeah, where your daddy
00:29:26gave it to eat?
00:29:27Oh, well daddy made
00:29:28macaroni pie
00:29:29and chicken
00:29:29and potato salad.
00:29:32That is what your father
00:29:33make today.
00:29:34Macaroni pie, chicken
00:29:35and sister.
00:29:36On a Tuesday?
00:29:37On a Wednesday?
00:29:39As opposed to,
00:29:39oh, how did it taste?
00:29:41Was it good, honey?
00:29:42You had a good time?
00:29:44You had a good time?
00:29:45That in itself right there.
00:29:46That is how
00:29:46she's expressing
00:29:48care,
00:29:49but at the same time
00:29:50knocking down
00:29:51your father's presence
00:29:54in your life.
00:29:54That may not be narcissistic,
00:29:56that may be a little
00:29:56more vindictive
00:29:57or facetious,
00:29:59but maybe not narcissistic.
00:30:01It's still elements
00:30:02of control
00:30:03because the further
00:30:04runs to that
00:30:05is to say,
00:30:06when you come by me,
00:30:08I want to make sure
00:30:08that everything goes like,
00:30:10I might get you a KFC
00:30:11or something.
00:30:12It's a level of control
00:30:13to have over your child
00:30:14to then have over
00:30:16the father
00:30:16or mother,
00:30:17vice versa
00:30:18because both sides
00:30:19are there.
00:30:19But then,
00:30:19not just to deviate now,
00:30:20that does that now
00:30:21contribute to putting
00:30:23a man in victim mode
00:30:25as well,
00:30:25like that inability
00:30:27to do the right thing.
00:30:29To be perfect
00:30:29in the eyes of somebody else.
00:30:31A lot of people
00:30:32strive to be perfect
00:30:33not for themselves
00:30:34but for perception.
00:30:35Correct.
00:30:36Right?
00:30:36It's like,
00:30:37this is the mirror,
00:30:38this is what I put,
00:30:39it's like expectation
00:30:40to which is something
00:30:41I've been learning
00:30:42in the know.
00:30:43You see that level
00:30:44of expectation?
00:30:45It's a hard pill
00:30:46to swallow, bro,
00:30:47but when it is,
00:30:51I just live in
00:30:51a world of lowering it.
00:30:53When you have
00:30:54expectations here
00:30:55for something
00:30:55or someone
00:30:56and they fall short,
00:30:57you automatically
00:30:58go into a different mindset.
00:31:00So I've learned
00:31:00to have zero expectation.
00:31:02So you have to force
00:31:03yourself
00:31:03to have lower,
00:31:06have to lower expectations
00:31:07because I tell you,
00:31:08I am a victim
00:31:09to that,
00:31:10to me trying
00:31:11to live
00:31:13or be
00:31:14what somebody
00:31:15else believe
00:31:16I should be.
00:31:17So wait,
00:31:18wait,
00:31:18I want you,
00:31:18because I want you
00:31:19to answer this
00:31:19from a,
00:31:19from a,
00:31:20from a behavior
00:31:21change consultant
00:31:22perspective,
00:31:23right?
00:31:25You,
00:31:25and I know
00:31:26we're nearing,
00:31:27nearing the break,
00:31:28but just to say.
00:31:28You're wrong,
00:31:29you're wrong.
00:31:29Whatever you're saying,
00:31:30you're wrong.
00:31:31Go ahead,
00:31:31go ahead,
00:31:31go ahead.
00:31:32Says Imani
00:31:33Plot Pants,
00:31:33right?
00:31:34So the,
00:31:35Go ahead,
00:31:36go ahead,
00:31:36go ahead.
00:31:36Don't play the victim
00:31:37now.
00:31:38The,
00:31:39and of course,
00:31:40you know,
00:31:40I might have lost
00:31:41my train of thought,
00:31:42but let's go.
00:31:43The,
00:31:43in,
00:31:46in that
00:31:47victimhood,
00:31:49and as I'm
00:31:50waffling here,
00:31:50I've clearly lost
00:31:51my train of thought.
00:31:51My,
00:31:51my,
00:31:52my apology.
00:31:53We have to,
00:31:53we have to,
00:31:54we will,
00:31:55we will,
00:31:56we will move forward.
00:31:56So let me,
00:31:58let me answer
00:31:58something you're saying.
00:31:59You see what that
00:32:00point here is there?
00:32:01That actually hit home
00:32:02for me,
00:32:03because I realize
00:32:04a lot of times,
00:32:05and me personally,
00:32:06and I've,
00:32:06I've seen it also,
00:32:07is that,
00:32:09because we are trying
00:32:10to live up
00:32:11to the expectations
00:32:12of others,
00:32:13society,
00:32:14your family,
00:32:15whoever it is,
00:32:16when you don't
00:32:17live up to it,
00:32:19even though it's not
00:32:20who you are,
00:32:21right?
00:32:21At that moment,
00:32:22many of us become
00:32:23the victim because
00:32:24you will say,
00:32:25I'm doing my best
00:32:26to make you happy.
00:32:27I'm doing my best
00:32:28to be the best son
00:32:29or the best brother
00:32:30or whatever it is.
00:32:31Best friend,
00:32:31best spouse.
00:32:31No matter what I do.
00:32:33I'm falling short.
00:32:34I'm falling short.
00:32:34It's a level of victim.
00:32:35So if you
00:32:36have striving
00:32:37to be
00:32:39someone else's,
00:32:41someone else
00:32:41or someone,
00:32:42the expectation
00:32:42of someone else,
00:32:43I think maybe
00:32:44you put yourself
00:32:45in a category
00:32:46of a victim also.
00:32:47And also,
00:32:48I remember
00:32:49what I was going to say.
00:32:50When you talk about
00:32:50lower your expectation
00:32:51or you have
00:32:53no,
00:32:53zero expectation,
00:32:55that in a sense
00:32:56comes across,
00:32:57it's still with that.
00:32:58Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:32:59You understand
00:32:59what I'm saying?
00:33:01Quaraka win, boy.
00:33:02Coming across as one.
00:33:03No, but in the same.
00:33:04As if you are better than.
00:33:05Like, you know what?
00:33:06Because you're saying,
00:33:07listen,
00:33:07I have zero expectations.
00:33:08No, I'm just saying,
00:33:08it could,
00:33:09it depends on how you,
00:33:11like, again,
00:33:11we don't know,
00:33:12we can't see straight
00:33:13through someone
00:33:14to understand.
00:33:14Let me tell you,
00:33:15the pure.
00:33:16I mean, too,
00:33:16pretending like that
00:33:17is our victim mentality.
00:33:18But if I say,
00:33:19hey, I don't know you,
00:33:21I don't have any expectations
00:33:22of you,
00:33:22and you say,
00:33:23so what?
00:33:24You think I,
00:33:25I mean,
00:33:25I can't do that.
00:33:26I can't do that.
00:33:27I can't do that.
00:33:27But when you say
00:33:29you lower your expectation,
00:33:31it means that
00:33:31you're,
00:33:32you're,
00:33:32I'm not saying,
00:33:33it's not pure.
00:33:34No, I'm saying,
00:33:35hey, man,
00:33:35hey, man.
00:33:36Wait,
00:33:36before you say anything else,
00:33:38we,
00:33:38I expect that now
00:33:39we have to go to them.
00:33:41So let's just do that.
00:33:42I like that.
00:33:42That was brilliant.
00:33:43I like that.
00:33:44Let's just do that
00:33:44and then we'll get this long, boy.
00:33:55Welcome back to Manhood.
00:33:57We're talking about
00:33:57victim mentality.
00:33:59Right.
00:34:00So,
00:34:00when I was saying before
00:34:03about there's no such thing
00:34:04as common sense,
00:34:06right?
00:34:06And then I want to add something
00:34:08and then we could continue.
00:34:10I've also learned that,
00:34:13and there's a quote
00:34:13and I have some validity.
00:34:16There's no such thing
00:34:17as morality.
00:34:18There's only moral.
00:34:20And moral means
00:34:21how I feel today.
00:34:24Now,
00:34:24I'm bringing that up
00:34:25because if we relate
00:34:26in it to
00:34:27who is a victim,
00:34:28who perceive themselves
00:34:30as a victim,
00:34:31what moral rubric
00:34:33we're using
00:34:34to play the victim,
00:34:36it is different
00:34:36to different people,
00:34:38different to different cultures,
00:34:39different to different villages,
00:34:40families, etc.
00:34:41And there's no way,
00:34:43I think I can make
00:34:44this bold statement,
00:34:45there's no way
00:34:45we could all
00:34:47account for every person
00:34:48we meet
00:34:49to try to understand
00:34:50everybody.
00:34:51And when I was speaking
00:34:52before,
00:34:53I kind of understood
00:34:54your frustration
00:34:55because it reminded me
00:34:57of a client I've had
00:34:58who came for anger issues.
00:35:00And he was thinking
00:35:01the same thing.
00:35:01He said,
00:35:02especially when you're
00:35:02walking through
00:35:03Port of Speed,
00:35:04you say you're angry.
00:35:05When you see you're
00:35:05vaguely angry,
00:35:06why you can't go and work?
00:35:07When you see somebody
00:35:08come to,
00:35:09maybe begging for money
00:35:10or see somebody
00:35:11complaining,
00:35:11why you can't go?
00:35:12And he said,
00:35:13because I grew up hard
00:35:14and I went and do it.
00:35:15So why?
00:35:16And he was just angry
00:35:16all the time.
00:35:17And I was telling him,
00:35:18he said,
00:35:18holy stupid people.
00:35:20That's what he would say.
00:35:21And I would say,
00:35:22I told him,
00:35:23everybody have the right
00:35:24to be stupid.
00:35:26Everybody have the choice.
00:35:27And I'm using stupid
00:35:27now loosely
00:35:28because it's stupid to him.
00:35:31But they may not be stupid
00:35:32and everybody have the right
00:35:33to be themselves.
00:35:34You now have to decide
00:35:36who you're lining yourself with.
00:35:38You have to decide
00:35:39what you're even willing
00:35:40to put up with.
00:35:41And when TC said the point
00:35:43there about people
00:35:45playing the victim
00:35:46and we're trying to live
00:35:49up to the expectations
00:35:50of others,
00:35:50that helped me
00:35:51in the moment
00:35:52because I realized
00:35:53sometimes because somebody
00:35:55played the victim,
00:35:56I feel bad.
00:35:58I allow them
00:35:59to play the victim.
00:35:59So I feel bad.
00:36:01And then now
00:36:01I compromise
00:36:02my standards
00:36:04and I allow there
00:36:05because I guess
00:36:06you could play a victim
00:36:07and be a bully too,
00:36:08you know.
00:36:09Of course.
00:36:09And I allow myself
00:36:11to be bullied
00:36:11by people who play the victim.
00:36:13Of course.
00:36:14Because what they do
00:36:14is a sense of manipulation too.
00:36:16And contrase.
00:36:17Narcissistic truth.
00:36:18So if you believe
00:36:19I can get A out of someone
00:36:21every time I'm in this position,
00:36:24I will continue
00:36:25to stay in this position
00:36:26to continue to get A from them.
00:36:27And if you don't get it,
00:36:28you resent them.
00:36:29Correct.
00:36:30And it's like this, right?
00:36:32When you were saying
00:36:33about reward
00:36:34and you were speaking
00:36:34about some people
00:36:36living like,
00:36:36it's something I'm struggling
00:36:37with and you know
00:36:38when my partner
00:36:40would say,
00:36:41listen,
00:36:41be careful on rewarding
00:36:42these children
00:36:43for bad behavior.
00:36:45And let me tell you why.
00:36:46A child would do something.
00:36:47What they did
00:36:48in the moment
00:36:49was bad.
00:36:50And when I say bad,
00:36:51they didn't kill and rub it,
00:36:52but it was bad.
00:36:54And...
00:36:54They told it you's dumb.
00:36:57Learned behavior.
00:36:58They were told
00:36:58to do something,
00:36:59they didn't do it.
00:37:00They had an assignment
00:37:00to submit.
00:37:02The teacher had to call you,
00:37:03hey, I can't get
00:37:03the assignment yet.
00:37:05But the bird is
00:37:06four days down the road.
00:37:07So now you're in
00:37:09the belly of the,
00:37:12should I
00:37:13give this child
00:37:14a birthday
00:37:15or tell this child
00:37:16you didn't do this
00:37:18so you're not getting
00:37:19a birthday?
00:37:19Either we leave or not.
00:37:21You can't do that.
00:37:22Ah, yes.
00:37:23Ah.
00:37:23You can't do what?
00:37:24Not give them a birthday.
00:37:25Yeah, you can't.
00:37:26Right.
00:37:26Hold on, hold on.
00:37:28You're saying
00:37:28you can't give them
00:37:29a birthday.
00:37:29So now you're trapped
00:37:30in the space of,
00:37:31am I rewarding
00:37:32this child for being bad?
00:37:34Because I told you
00:37:35to do A, B, C.
00:37:37Granted,
00:37:38your birthday is
00:37:38two days away.
00:37:39But now,
00:37:40two days gone,
00:37:42I am upset.
00:37:43You mean,
00:37:44well, I can't say
00:37:45you made me upset.
00:37:45You didn't do
00:37:46what you were supposed
00:37:47to do when we had
00:37:47an arrangement.
00:37:48And because of that,
00:37:50I need to teach you
00:37:51consequence.
00:37:52But should I teach
00:37:52you consequence?
00:37:53How do you mitigate?
00:37:56These are the struggles
00:37:57and it happens
00:37:57in growing relationships
00:37:58as well.
00:37:59Whereas,
00:38:00you in a position
00:38:02with someone
00:38:02and they play
00:38:03on the thing
00:38:04they know
00:38:05that bothers you
00:38:06the most.
00:38:06so they say,
00:38:07well, okay, cool.
00:38:08I know,
00:38:09once I say,
00:38:11oh, you've never
00:38:12done this to me before,
00:38:13I go in again
00:38:14and say,
00:38:14oh, God,
00:38:15it's not today.
00:38:15As they have delayed,
00:38:17you know,
00:38:17they have delayed
00:38:18gratification,
00:38:19right?
00:38:19And the same way
00:38:20they have delayed
00:38:20gratification,
00:38:22I can understand
00:38:23maybe where Stuart's
00:38:24coming from,
00:38:24I like it to,
00:38:25you know,
00:38:25to mention it.
00:38:29That there can be
00:38:30delayed penance
00:38:31for that action.
00:38:33So,
00:38:34if your birthday's
00:38:34two days later
00:38:35and I want to say,
00:38:36you know what,
00:38:36you really like
00:38:37your iPad and Roblox
00:38:39or Minecraft
00:38:39or whatever it is,
00:38:41have your birthday party
00:38:42because one really
00:38:43shouldn't be,
00:38:44shouldn't affect the other.
00:38:45It's your birthday.
00:38:46Right.
00:38:46It's a day that we
00:38:47want to celebrate.
00:38:47I don't want you
00:38:48scarred in any
00:38:49particular way.
00:38:50And after we
00:38:53celebrate your birthday,
00:38:54know that there's
00:38:55no iPad because
00:38:56I'm coming back
00:38:57to the fact that
00:38:57this correlates
00:38:59to this.
00:39:00You still have,
00:39:00there's still some
00:39:01element.
00:39:01It doesn't work though.
00:39:03I don't know.
00:39:04What I could tell you
00:39:06to say,
00:39:06what I'm saying to you,
00:39:08especially when it
00:39:09comes to children,
00:39:10there's no rule book.
00:39:12There's no book
00:39:12that we know
00:39:13how it is really
00:39:13to be,
00:39:14are we being
00:39:14the best father?
00:39:15That's the question
00:39:16I ask myself
00:39:17every morning.
00:39:17When we were
00:39:18having Jackson,
00:39:20Taryn,
00:39:20said,
00:39:21you're going to
00:39:22get the world
00:39:23of advice
00:39:23when you have
00:39:24this child
00:39:25and my advice
00:39:26to you
00:39:26is ignore
00:39:28everybody's advice
00:39:29because you
00:39:29cannot f**k it up.
00:39:31And that goes
00:39:32back to what
00:39:32you were saying
00:39:33and what you
00:39:33were saying
00:39:34and your
00:39:34disagreement
00:39:35is that,
00:39:37and I could only
00:39:37use my
00:39:38relationship
00:39:39with my son,
00:39:41is that
00:39:42I would not
00:39:44do that
00:39:44as a form
00:39:45of punishment
00:39:46but I believe
00:39:48conversation,
00:39:49no matter
00:39:49how young
00:39:50a child is,
00:39:51is invaluable.
00:39:53So even
00:39:53if after
00:39:54the birthday
00:39:55is done,
00:39:55you have
00:39:56a conversation
00:39:56and I think
00:39:57that will
00:39:57resonate.
00:39:58But again,
00:39:59it depends
00:39:59on your
00:40:00relationship
00:40:00with your
00:40:00child
00:40:01because we
00:40:01could go
00:40:02back now
00:40:02to victim
00:40:03mode.
00:40:05You know
00:40:06my upbringing
00:40:06and while
00:40:08my father
00:40:09was a
00:40:09great
00:40:09provider,
00:40:10we had
00:40:10a great
00:40:11childhood,
00:40:13there was
00:40:13no I
00:40:14love
00:40:14views,
00:40:14there was
00:40:15no hugs,
00:40:15there was
00:40:16none of that.
00:40:16None of that,
00:40:16none of the
00:40:17emotion.
00:40:17I guess
00:40:17all of us
00:40:18when we
00:40:18were growing
00:40:18up that
00:40:19generation,
00:40:19we didn't
00:40:20have that.
00:40:20but my
00:40:22brother told
00:40:23me I
00:40:23actually broke
00:40:23the Fraser
00:40:24mode because
00:40:24my grandfather
00:40:25was the same
00:40:26way,
00:40:26coming from
00:40:26that whole
00:40:27English,
00:40:28very strict,
00:40:29you know,
00:40:29and he
00:40:32will tell
00:40:32you if
00:40:33I could
00:40:33hug up,
00:40:34kiss up,
00:40:35love up my
00:40:36son a
00:40:36hundred times
00:40:37a day,
00:40:37and that's
00:40:38been happening
00:40:38since to the
00:40:39point where
00:40:39now people
00:40:41find our
00:40:41relationship
00:40:42odd because
00:40:43normally you
00:40:44find boys
00:40:45side with
00:40:46the mothers
00:40:47and the
00:40:47opposite.
00:40:48But my
00:40:49son,
00:40:50we have
00:40:50this crazy
00:40:51relationship and
00:40:51I believe it
00:40:52comes down to
00:40:53affection and
00:40:54love and I
00:40:55could have used
00:40:55my relationship
00:40:56with my
00:40:56father to
00:40:58carry on that
00:40:59because I
00:40:59didn't experience
00:41:00that,
00:41:00you know,
00:41:00I don't know
00:41:01how to give
00:41:01that.
00:41:01Stay right
00:41:02there.
00:41:04So now
00:41:05we in
00:41:06manhood,
00:41:06so this
00:41:07too is about
00:41:07us getting
00:41:08better and
00:41:09getting advice
00:41:10from the
00:41:11people in
00:41:11the space
00:41:11every time.
00:41:12This is
00:41:13what I
00:41:14struggle with
00:41:14telling this
00:41:15as a dad.
00:41:17You do
00:41:18not want to
00:41:19be your
00:41:19father.
00:41:20I don't
00:41:21want to be
00:41:22my father.
00:41:22I used it
00:41:22as what
00:41:23you're not
00:41:24to do.
00:41:24So me,
00:41:25and this is
00:41:25a true story
00:41:26that I share
00:41:27on many
00:41:28platforms before,
00:41:29I remember
00:41:30this year,
00:41:31I was turning
00:41:31nine,
00:41:32eight,
00:41:32sorry,
00:41:33the entire
00:41:34street and I
00:41:34grew up in a
00:41:35neighborhood where
00:41:35they had real
00:41:35boys,
00:41:36you know how
00:41:36we grew up,
00:41:37always had
00:41:37partners in
00:41:38the road.
00:41:38Everybody
00:41:39got a BMX
00:41:39bike,
00:41:40bro.
00:41:41Everybody.
00:41:42If I have
00:41:43nine bridges
00:41:44on the street,
00:41:45Christmas morning,
00:41:46lunchtime when
00:41:47they get to go
00:41:47outside and
00:41:48play,
00:41:48everybody
00:41:49had a BMX.
00:41:51TC is saying
00:41:52that with some
00:41:52passion too.
00:41:53No,
00:41:53I'm being
00:41:54honest.
00:41:55Everybody got
00:41:55a BMX.
00:41:56I didn't.
00:41:58I did not.
00:41:59I was the
00:42:00only boy on
00:42:01the street
00:42:01without a BMX.
00:42:032019,
00:42:05my listeners
00:42:05on my radio
00:42:06show came
00:42:07together and
00:42:08bought me a
00:42:08BMX that
00:42:09Christmas.
00:42:09Wow.
00:42:11Okay.
00:42:12Years later,
00:42:13that BMX
00:42:14sat on my
00:42:15chest where I
00:42:15cried like a
00:42:16baby for a
00:42:17bike I didn't
00:42:17get when I
00:42:18was eight.
00:42:19So understand
00:42:20this,
00:42:21now you have
00:42:21a child,
00:42:22the birdie
00:42:23coming around,
00:42:23things coming
00:42:24around,
00:42:24and you
00:42:25in a
00:42:25relationship
00:42:26where you
00:42:27having
00:42:27conversations
00:42:28with your
00:42:28significant
00:42:29other and
00:42:29they're saying,
00:42:30nah,
00:42:30they're trying
00:42:30to dissipate,
00:42:31you shouldn't
00:42:31get them
00:42:32nothing.
00:42:33My mother
00:42:34didn't give
00:42:34me this and
00:42:34this one
00:42:34didn't give
00:42:35me that.
00:42:36And I
00:42:36am now to
00:42:36try and
00:42:37process that
00:42:37to this.
00:42:38Who am I
00:42:38going,
00:42:39what am I
00:42:39going to
00:42:39do?
00:42:40These are
00:42:40the struggles
00:42:41that we
00:42:41go through.
00:42:42And going
00:42:42back to the
00:42:43whole victim
00:42:43thing now,
00:42:44bro,
00:42:45now am I
00:42:46a victim
00:42:47trying to
00:42:48justify my
00:42:50actions to
00:42:51want to do
00:42:51for my
00:42:52children?
00:42:53No,
00:42:53no,
00:42:53you're not.
00:42:54Like I
00:42:54tell my
00:42:55son,
00:42:56and like
00:42:56Shreena's
00:42:57always wonder
00:42:58like these
00:42:59excessive talks
00:43:00you have with
00:43:01this boy,
00:43:01and I
00:43:01believe they
00:43:02I have some
00:43:03long ones
00:43:03a three hour
00:43:06until two
00:43:06in the morning
00:43:07and they
00:43:07were like,
00:43:08what are they
00:43:08doing talking
00:43:09about you
00:43:09for this
00:43:10morning?
00:43:10So I
00:43:11hear you
00:43:12guys,
00:43:12right?
00:43:13But you
00:43:13said something
00:43:14and I
00:43:14want to
00:43:14drift
00:43:16just because
00:43:18on manhood
00:43:19it's always
00:43:20about being
00:43:21better as
00:43:21brothers and
00:43:22learning.
00:43:22And being
00:43:24open and
00:43:26to our
00:43:27viewers,
00:43:28our listeners,
00:43:28to everyone
00:43:29to really be
00:43:30open and
00:43:31honest.
00:43:32And you
00:43:32said something
00:43:33there just
00:43:33now where
00:43:34we don't
00:43:35want to be
00:43:35like our
00:43:36fathers,
00:43:37right?
00:43:39I had an
00:43:40you know
00:43:41The traumatic
00:43:42parts.
00:43:43Yeah,
00:43:43it's relative.
00:43:44The traumatic
00:43:44parts,
00:43:45but there's no
00:43:47rule book as
00:43:48to how to be
00:43:48a dad,
00:43:49right?
00:43:49We learn it as
00:43:50we go along.
00:43:50We're learning
00:43:51the connection.
00:43:52There are
00:43:52many days
00:43:53that I
00:43:53ask myself,
00:43:54I mean,
00:43:54there are
00:43:54books,
00:43:55yes,
00:43:55on fatherhood,
00:43:56but I'm
00:43:56talking about
00:43:56really that
00:43:57playbook that
00:43:58connects you,
00:43:59like you said,
00:43:59about the
00:44:00best advice is
00:44:00to take no
00:44:01one's advice.
00:44:02And when I
00:44:06talk to my
00:44:06son,
00:44:06I always ask
00:44:07myself,
00:44:09am I,
00:44:09am I,
00:44:10the burden I
00:44:10feel sometimes
00:44:11because I want
00:44:11to know,
00:44:12I have to,
00:44:12I have been
00:44:13given the
00:44:13task to
00:44:14shape this
00:44:15boy.
00:44:16The mother
00:44:16has her role
00:44:17and a
00:44:18father has
00:44:18a role.
00:44:19A mother
00:44:20can never
00:44:20be a father
00:44:21and a father
00:44:21can never
00:44:22be a mother.
00:44:22Never,
00:44:23right?
00:44:24There must
00:44:24be a male
00:44:25figure in
00:44:26his life.
00:44:27And so,
00:44:28I struggle
00:44:30to sometimes
00:44:32communicate
00:44:33with,
00:44:34because I'm
00:44:35always questioning
00:44:35if I'm giving
00:44:36him the right
00:44:36advice.
00:44:37And so,
00:44:38I'd call
00:44:38him,
00:44:39or Stuart
00:44:40is my son's
00:44:40godfather,
00:44:41so he may
00:44:41then have a
00:44:43conversation.
00:44:43And I
00:44:44then say,
00:44:45okay,
00:44:45well,
00:44:45that's good
00:44:46advice,
00:44:46because when
00:44:47you're picking
00:44:47a godparent
00:44:48as well,
00:44:49you pick
00:44:49the godparent
00:44:49not for
00:44:50their financial
00:44:50status,
00:44:51but because
00:44:52you tell
00:44:52yourself,
00:44:52should
00:44:52something
00:44:53ever
00:44:53happen
00:44:53to
00:44:53you,
00:44:54that is
00:44:55the person
00:44:55that you
00:44:55want to
00:44:56raise your
00:44:56child,
00:44:57right?
00:44:57Because they
00:44:57have the
00:44:58same
00:44:58values,
00:44:58et cetera.
00:44:59But I'm
00:45:00saying all
00:45:00that to
00:45:00say that
00:45:01a friend
00:45:03of mine
00:45:04told me,
00:45:05he said,
00:45:05I know
00:45:06you miss
00:45:06your dad,
00:45:07right?
00:45:08But know
00:45:08that your
00:45:08dad lives
00:45:09in you.
00:45:10And the
00:45:11moment he
00:45:13I don't
00:45:13know if
00:45:14I felt
00:45:14comfort,
00:45:15because there
00:45:16are things
00:45:16that my
00:45:17dad,
00:45:17as much
00:45:17as I
00:45:18loved him,
00:45:18did.
00:45:19That I
00:45:20didn't like.
00:45:21And so
00:45:21when he
00:45:22said,
00:45:22he lives
00:45:23in you,
00:45:23I got
00:45:24kind of
00:45:24like,
00:45:25what?
00:45:26I have
00:45:26to check
00:45:26myself,
00:45:27I have
00:45:27some of
00:45:30these traits,
00:45:30I don't
00:45:32want that,
00:45:33I have
00:45:33to figure
00:45:33it out,
00:45:34but at
00:45:34the same
00:45:34time,
00:45:34loving
00:45:35my dad.
00:45:36And so
00:45:36there's
00:45:39always a
00:45:39saying that
00:45:40the only
00:45:40person in
00:45:41life that
00:45:42wants you
00:45:42to be
00:45:42better
00:45:43than
00:45:43him is
00:45:44your
00:45:44dad.
00:45:45That's
00:45:45a father.
00:45:46And I
00:45:46tell my
00:45:47son that
00:45:47every day.
00:45:48And I
00:45:48figure that
00:45:48out,
00:45:49just before
00:45:50my dad
00:45:50died.
00:45:51It's like
00:45:51this,
00:45:51right?
00:45:51My dad
00:45:52was a
00:45:52reverent,
00:45:53and he
00:45:53said,
00:45:54one of
00:45:55the things
00:45:55he kind
00:45:56of instilled
00:45:57in me is,
00:45:57a man's
00:45:58job is to
00:45:58prepare his
00:45:59children for
00:45:59his departure.
00:46:00Yep.
00:46:01Right?
00:46:02And I
00:46:03live to see,
00:46:04when my dad
00:46:04got ill,
00:46:06everybody,
00:46:07knowing he's
00:46:08ill,
00:46:08when he
00:46:09passed,
00:46:09the whole
00:46:10place fall
00:46:10apart.
00:46:11I was the
00:46:11only person
00:46:12to take
00:46:12care of
00:46:13everything.
00:46:13I'm talking
00:46:14about everybody
00:46:14fall apart.
00:46:15That's what I
00:46:17felt.
00:46:17My dad told
00:46:18me, he
00:46:19came for
00:46:19Trinad from
00:46:21Tobago,
00:46:22bare feet,
00:46:23with oil in
00:46:24his foot,
00:46:26and bought
00:46:27himself his
00:46:27first shoe.
00:46:29A man has
00:46:30to buy the
00:46:31shoes that he's
00:46:32working in.
00:46:32My father
00:46:32never bought
00:46:33me a shoe.
00:46:33He knew
00:46:35me years.
00:46:36But I
00:46:36stood as a
00:46:37barber as
00:46:37a little
00:46:37barbering.
00:46:38When I
00:46:38was doing
00:46:39barbering,
00:46:39but it
00:46:39wasn't a
00:46:40time in
00:46:40barbering,
00:46:41it was an
00:46:41old man
00:46:41sport.
00:46:42True or
00:46:42not true?
00:46:42I was the
00:46:43youngest for
00:46:43years.
00:46:44And when my
00:46:45teen is ten,
00:46:46let me
00:46:46can't drive
00:46:47yet.
00:46:47That's true.
00:46:48And I
00:46:48grind.
00:46:49True or
00:46:49not true?
00:46:49That's
00:46:50very true.
00:46:50That's
00:46:50good news.
00:46:51I grind,
00:46:51bro.
00:46:52Yeah.
00:46:53I could buy
00:46:55a shoe.
00:46:56The reason for
00:46:57me wanting to
00:46:57work was to
00:46:59buy a shoe.
00:47:00From since
00:47:00eleven,
00:47:01I out in
00:47:01the road
00:47:01looking for
00:47:02it.
00:47:02Because I
00:47:03want to
00:47:03bash you
00:47:04because my
00:47:04father told
00:47:05me.
00:47:05Right.
00:47:06And you
00:47:06could have
00:47:06sat back
00:47:07and used
00:47:09that as
00:47:09a crutch.
00:47:10No.
00:47:11No, he
00:47:11couldn't.
00:47:11He couldn't
00:47:12have.
00:47:12And what I
00:47:13say not is
00:47:13because as
00:47:16the simplest
00:47:17form, your
00:47:17brain,
00:47:18right, don't
00:47:19give your
00:47:20body energy
00:47:21unless it
00:47:22could come
00:47:22up with a
00:47:23reward for
00:47:24the action.
00:47:25Correct.
00:47:25Right?
00:47:26So,
00:47:27so if,
00:47:29so the
00:47:30things that
00:47:31TC wanted
00:47:31in his
00:47:32mind, how
00:47:33he analyzed
00:47:33it is the
00:47:34reward I
00:47:35want, whether
00:47:35that is the
00:47:36shoe or
00:47:36anything.
00:47:36At the
00:47:37time was
00:47:37the shoe.
00:47:37The path
00:47:38that I'm
00:47:39seeing towards
00:47:40that is
00:47:41getting up
00:47:41and go.
00:47:42In your
00:47:42scenarios, you
00:47:43grew up with
00:47:44your circumstances.
00:47:45You decided
00:47:45what reward do
00:47:47I want in
00:47:47life or what
00:47:48I want to
00:47:48get from
00:47:49life.
00:47:49So that's
00:47:49reward.
00:47:50So then
00:47:50your brain
00:47:51comes up
00:47:52with, okay,
00:47:52this is the
00:47:53action that
00:47:53I need to
00:47:54do to get
00:47:55that.
00:47:55Robert,
00:47:56similar for
00:47:56your life,
00:47:57similar for
00:47:58my life,
00:47:59other people's
00:47:59life.
00:48:00When you
00:48:00see people
00:48:01doing things,
00:48:02it's not
00:48:02because,
00:48:03again, we
00:48:03use the
00:48:04word lazy,
00:48:04and I
00:48:04think lazy
00:48:05is getting
00:48:05people a
00:48:06pass, too.
00:48:07It's not
00:48:08that they're
00:48:08lazy, it's
00:48:08because if
00:48:09we're going
00:48:10straight human
00:48:11behavior,
00:48:12human behavior
00:48:13is only going
00:48:14to do things
00:48:15if it could
00:48:15come up with
00:48:16a reward for
00:48:17it.
00:48:17Or I
00:48:18also think
00:48:19that by
00:48:20nature, we
00:48:21tend to
00:48:21take the
00:48:21part of
00:48:22least
00:48:22resistance.
00:48:24The easy
00:48:24way out.
00:48:25Sometimes,
00:48:25I think
00:48:28based on
00:48:29research,
00:48:29your brain
00:48:30is actually
00:48:31designed to
00:48:31protect you,
00:48:33and part of
00:48:34that protection
00:48:35is not to
00:48:36put yourself
00:48:36on a level
00:48:37of discomfort.
00:48:37Let me just
00:48:39challenge that.
00:48:42Our good
00:48:42friend, he
00:48:43called his
00:48:43name earlier,
00:48:44Luke
00:48:44does an
00:48:45exercise that
00:48:46I do with
00:48:46him, and
00:48:47it's a basic
00:48:48exercise to
00:48:49the someone
00:48:50we're talking
00:48:50about.
00:48:51We sit in
00:48:52a room with
00:48:52100 young
00:48:53men on a
00:48:54regular,
00:48:54right?
00:48:55And now we
00:48:56group in it.
00:48:56We sat
00:48:57with 20
00:48:57young men
00:48:58the other
00:48:59day.
00:48:59Luke took
00:49:00the $100
00:49:00and gave
00:49:01it to a
00:49:01guy.
00:49:02I gave
00:49:02him $100,
00:49:03what are
00:49:03you going
00:49:03to do?
00:49:04I'm going
00:49:04to buy
00:49:04a smoke,
00:49:05boy.
00:49:05I'm going
00:49:05to buy
00:49:06a KFC.
00:49:06Whatever
00:49:07in the
00:49:07moment,
00:49:07that's
00:49:08what you
00:49:08going to
00:49:08do.
00:49:09Texture
00:49:10change.
00:49:11If in
00:49:12seven days,
00:49:12you could
00:49:13turn this
00:49:14$100 into
00:49:15three, I'll
00:49:17give you
00:49:17$1,000.
00:49:19But you
00:49:19have to
00:49:20document what
00:49:21you're doing
00:49:21with the
00:49:21$100.
00:49:22Same guy
00:49:23who said
00:49:23he'd go in
00:49:24and buy
00:49:24weed, took
00:49:25the $100,
00:49:27bought clear
00:49:27plastic bags,
00:49:28juice, made
00:49:29soccer bags,
00:49:30sold it,
00:49:31made $230 on
00:49:32top of the
00:49:32thing, got
00:49:33the $1,000.
00:49:34Well, he
00:49:34now say the
00:49:35reward at the
00:49:35end.
00:49:35So your
00:49:38brain shifts
00:49:39when you see
00:49:40it because
00:49:41any moment
00:49:41you're
00:49:42presented
00:49:42with it.
00:49:43It depends
00:49:43how much
00:49:44you want
00:49:44it.
00:49:44Yeah, but
00:49:45he had
00:49:46some guidance,
00:49:47he had
00:49:47an option.
00:49:48Could he
00:49:49have made
00:49:49that decision?
00:49:50At a
00:49:50biological
00:49:50level, you
00:49:50see, even
00:49:51though he
00:49:52was presented
00:49:52with those
00:49:53options, if
00:49:54his mind
00:49:54equated the
00:49:56smoke, right,
00:49:58to be more
00:49:58of benefit to
00:49:59him than
00:50:00the reward,
00:50:01than the
00:50:01thousand, he
00:50:01still would
00:50:02have gone
00:50:02for the
00:50:02smoke.
00:50:03But Short
00:50:04is right in
00:50:04the sense
00:50:04that he
00:50:06was, by
00:50:07being given
00:50:07an option,
00:50:08it now
00:50:09allowed him
00:50:09to shift.
00:50:10Had he not
00:50:11been given
00:50:11that option,
00:50:12he still
00:50:12gave him
00:50:12the option,
00:50:13he didn't
00:50:13have to
00:50:14shift, you
00:50:14know.
00:50:14He didn't
00:50:15have to
00:50:15shift.
00:50:15He didn't
00:50:17have to
00:50:17shift, he
00:50:17could have
00:50:18still taken
00:50:19the weed.
00:50:19Well, I
00:50:20could be
00:50:20an asshole
00:50:21and he
00:50:21could tell
00:50:22himself,
00:50:22what if I
00:50:23make the
00:50:23thousand, I
00:50:23could buy
00:50:23more weed.
00:50:24Yeah, but
00:50:25that's still a
00:50:27bigger reward
00:50:27again, because
00:50:28I was
00:50:29getting a
00:50:29hundred
00:50:29play, now
00:50:30I could
00:50:30buy a
00:50:31house, I
00:50:32can
00:50:32rents free.
00:50:33And I
00:50:33could smoke
00:50:34on my
00:50:34partners,
00:50:34could smoke
00:50:35too.
00:50:35So I
00:50:36can buy
00:50:36more weed and
00:50:36flip.
00:50:37that thing,
00:50:39I mean, I
00:50:39hear it all
00:50:39the time and
00:50:40I don't have
00:50:41any necessary
00:50:43scientific proof
00:50:43to prove that,
00:50:45you know,
00:50:45they say your
00:50:45brain is always
00:50:46looking for the
00:50:46comfort.
00:50:47I don't think
00:50:48it's comfort,
00:50:48and that's not
00:50:49what I see, I
00:50:49see reward.
00:50:51Because I'll
00:50:51give a next
00:50:52example, if I
00:50:52say walk to
00:50:53San Fernando
00:50:54from town,
00:50:55you say you
00:50:55wouldn't want
00:50:55to do that
00:50:56because that
00:50:56causes discomfort.
00:50:57If I walk to
00:50:58San Fernando
00:50:59from town and
00:51:00you get a
00:51:01million dollars,
00:51:01you will put
00:51:02yourself through
00:51:03the discomfort.
00:51:06So it's not
00:51:06really that we
00:51:07seek in comfort,
00:51:08it's always I
00:51:09am faced with
00:51:10these choices,
00:51:11what is the
00:51:12reward?
00:51:12But again,
00:51:13hear what you
00:51:13said just
00:51:13now, if
00:51:14you're told
00:51:15that if you
00:51:15walk to San
00:51:16Fernando for
00:51:16a million,
00:51:17meaning that
00:51:18sometimes you
00:51:20have to be
00:51:20made aware
00:51:21of the reward
00:51:22because you
00:51:23are already in
00:51:24this state where
00:51:25you're not
00:51:26seeing what
00:51:26the possibilities
00:51:28are.
00:51:29You know
00:51:29what I mean?
00:51:29Some people,
00:51:31that was my
00:51:31point earlier,
00:51:32it's up to
00:51:33you to make
00:51:35that concerted
00:51:36effort to
00:51:38make that
00:51:39first step
00:51:41to get what
00:51:42you want.
00:51:42And my
00:51:43thing is,
00:51:43like when you
00:51:44go back to
00:51:44certain people,
00:51:45when you call
00:51:45your brothers,
00:51:46anybody in a
00:51:47home situation
00:51:47where they're
00:51:49young men who
00:51:49home stranding
00:51:51game,
00:51:51mother and
00:51:52aunt and
00:51:52grandmother
00:51:53crawling,
00:51:53go and look
00:51:53for a work
00:51:54on an
00:51:54engineering game.
00:51:55But he's
00:51:56still eating.
00:51:57And he's
00:51:58still having
00:51:58a house.
00:51:58When he
00:51:59comes,
00:51:59bed clean,
00:52:01sheets made,
00:52:02everything,
00:52:03what it is
00:52:05moving the
00:52:05dial for him
00:52:06to go and
00:52:07work?
00:52:07When all
00:52:07it's telling
00:52:08me to go
00:52:08and work,
00:52:09but for
00:52:09what?
00:52:09I gain
00:52:10everything I
00:52:10want.
00:52:11I gain
00:52:11everything.
00:52:12I had to
00:52:13go and be
00:52:14going back
00:52:14to the
00:52:14shoe because
00:52:14I would
00:52:15have been
00:52:15bare feet.
00:52:16A lot of
00:52:17especially.
00:52:17I'd have no
00:52:18shoes, bro.
00:52:19The man
00:52:19never bought
00:52:19a shoe.
00:52:20Oh,
00:52:20I could come
00:52:21like me when
00:52:21I wanted
00:52:21the garland.
00:52:22I wanted
00:52:23a car bad
00:52:24enough.
00:52:25I had no
00:52:25idea.
00:52:26My father
00:52:27told me if I
00:52:27can't afford to
00:52:28buy a car,
00:52:28I can't buy a
00:52:29car.
00:52:30So no loan
00:52:30from my
00:52:30father.
00:52:31I found a
00:52:32way to get
00:52:32$20,000.
00:52:33And so much
00:52:34so, again,
00:52:34this comes back
00:52:35to if you
00:52:35really want
00:52:36something bad
00:52:36enough, the
00:52:37man was
00:52:37working by
00:52:38Brendan in
00:52:38Clicquot.
00:52:39And I saw
00:52:40the garland
00:52:41and I
00:52:41told the
00:52:41man, I
00:52:43had no
00:52:43idea where
00:52:43I got
00:52:43money from.
00:52:44To put
00:52:44context, Brendan
00:52:44is our
00:52:45friend of
00:52:45this.
00:52:49And I
00:52:50told the
00:52:50man, I
00:52:50say, if
00:52:51you're selling
00:52:52this car, I
00:52:52want to buy
00:52:53it.
00:52:53He gave
00:52:53me the
00:52:53price and
00:52:54I was
00:52:54determined
00:52:55to buy
00:52:56said car.
00:52:57The
00:52:57P&G
00:52:581207 and
00:52:59I bought
00:52:59the car because
00:52:59I wanted
00:53:00it bad
00:53:00enough.
00:53:03My
00:53:04closing is
00:53:05that one,
00:53:07we are
00:53:07men here,
00:53:08right?
00:53:08I don't
00:53:10want you to
00:53:10close just
00:53:10yet because
00:53:11I want
00:53:11to, and
00:53:12the reason
00:53:12why I
00:53:12want you
00:53:13to close
00:53:13is because
00:53:13I want
00:53:13us to
00:53:14close and
00:53:14close.
00:53:15But I
00:53:15want to
00:53:16address
00:53:16something
00:53:17that happened
00:53:18that I
00:53:18wanted to
00:53:19address with
00:53:20regards to
00:53:20the beauty
00:53:21of the
00:53:22number of
00:53:23episodes and
00:53:23discussions
00:53:24that we've
00:53:24had.
00:53:25Certain
00:53:25conversations
00:53:26come up.
00:53:27And one
00:53:28of the
00:53:28things in
00:53:28the stories
00:53:29that you,
00:53:30and it's
00:53:30funny, I
00:53:30had a
00:53:30meeting with
00:53:31Lyon Civic
00:53:32Center the
00:53:32other day and
00:53:33the gentleman
00:53:34was saying
00:53:34that they
00:53:35went to
00:53:35St.
00:53:36Francis,
00:53:37which is now
00:53:37Belmont.
00:53:38And I
00:53:38see, you
00:53:38know, it's
00:53:38funny,
00:53:39Johansson on
00:53:39the show is
00:53:39always talking
00:53:40about his
00:53:40days in
00:53:41Belmont and
00:53:42these areas.
00:53:42And one
00:53:43of the things
00:53:43that you use
00:53:44is the
00:53:44stairs and
00:53:45about the
00:53:46neighbourhood,
00:53:47instead of
00:53:47always relying
00:53:49on the
00:53:49government and
00:53:51this one and
00:53:51that one,
00:53:52that's a form
00:53:53of victimhood
00:53:53where people
00:53:54say we are
00:53:54a nation of
00:53:55oil and gas
00:53:55and government,
00:53:56you know, we
00:53:57are no water
00:53:57and the road.
00:53:58And I'm not
00:53:58saying that that
00:53:59is not part of
00:54:00what the
00:54:00government is
00:54:00supposed to
00:54:01be doing,
00:54:02but there's
00:54:02also instead of
00:54:03just sitting down
00:54:04in that
00:54:04victim mentality
00:54:05that you get
00:54:07up and do
00:54:08something about
00:54:08it, like the
00:54:09people in
00:54:10Belmont fix the
00:54:11stairs and did
00:54:12not wait on the
00:54:13government to
00:54:14have to do it.
00:54:15And there was a
00:54:16term that was
00:54:17used by Michael
00:54:18Phillips on this
00:54:19show where he
00:54:19said we are
00:54:20fashionably
00:54:21unimpressed,
00:54:23right?
00:54:23And that you
00:54:25mentioned at
00:54:25that time that
00:54:26that comes from
00:54:27a place of
00:54:27trauma that we
00:54:29are just, you
00:54:29know, someone
00:54:30achieved this,
00:54:31made the
00:54:31Olympic finals,
00:54:32boy, that
00:54:33person has
00:54:33s*** wrong or
00:54:34how come they
00:54:34didn't win?
00:54:35Or you get
00:54:369.63, boy,
00:54:37you can't get
00:54:379.58.
00:54:38And it's always
00:54:39this position of
00:54:40being fashionably
00:54:41unimpressed as he
00:54:42coined it.
00:54:43And you had
00:54:43mentioned that
00:54:44that comes from
00:54:44a place of
00:54:45trauma and the
00:54:46topic that we're
00:54:46discussing today,
00:54:47be it victim
00:54:48mentality, is also
00:54:50by definition,
00:54:52comes from a
00:54:52place of trauma
00:54:53where the person
00:54:54doesn't know a
00:54:56healthier way to
00:54:57cope.
00:54:58Because we were
00:54:59never expected to
00:54:59be anything, bro.
00:55:01I born in a
00:55:02community where I
00:55:03was not expected
00:55:04to do nothing
00:55:06or be anything.
00:55:07He was expected
00:55:08to live to
00:55:09common entrance
00:55:10to secondary
00:55:11school and maybe
00:55:11if you're lucky
00:55:12to be a police
00:55:13or maybe if you're
00:55:14lucky to be a
00:55:14fireman.
00:55:15There was no,
00:55:16we came in a
00:55:17time where we
00:55:20was not supposed
00:55:21to be on paper
00:55:22anything.
00:55:24We live in a
00:55:25society where we
00:55:26want worker bees.
00:55:27There's no
00:55:27critical thinking.
00:55:29We don't want to
00:55:29see people.
00:55:30School teaches you
00:55:31that.
00:55:32School teaches you
00:55:33just pass the
00:55:34exam to do
00:55:35that.
00:55:36That's it.
00:55:38When you see
00:55:38people, I
00:55:39remember you see
00:55:39Kanye West
00:55:40rant and rant and
00:55:41people say he's
00:55:41mad or whatever,
00:55:42but all he was
00:55:43fighting for is to
00:55:44say, okay, I've
00:55:44excelled in music,
00:55:45why can't I
00:55:46excel in something
00:55:46else?
00:55:48Who used to say,
00:55:49I can't do
00:55:49something else?
00:55:50We have those
00:55:51discussions, right?
00:55:53It's not the first
00:55:54time I've heard
00:55:54that.
00:55:55Why are we not
00:55:56finding a way to
00:55:57lobby to change
00:55:58that?
00:55:59Why are we stuck
00:56:00in that system
00:56:02for the most
00:56:02part for our
00:56:05children now?
00:56:05We're now putting
00:56:06them in the same
00:56:07worker bee mentality.
00:56:08I think the younger
00:56:09generation is pushing
00:56:10back.
00:56:11I think they're
00:56:11pushing back.
00:56:12They are finding
00:56:12ways and they're
00:56:13asking questions
00:56:14that we won't
00:56:14allow to ask.
00:56:15Remember, you
00:56:15can't spend a time
00:56:16in your telling
00:56:16you.
00:56:17I used to hear
00:56:17my mom and
00:56:18they tell my
00:56:19sisters, women
00:56:19have to be seen
00:56:20and not heard.
00:56:22Right?
00:56:22The conversation
00:56:24is changing.
00:56:25The mindset
00:56:26is changing.
00:56:27They are braver
00:56:29now because things
00:56:29are closer and
00:56:30more accessible
00:56:30to them.
00:56:31Listen, the
00:56:32conversations I
00:56:33have with my
00:56:34daughter, I
00:56:35don't know at
00:56:3616, I was
00:56:37sitting in no
00:56:38man's house
00:56:39by no girl
00:56:39and talking
00:56:40them things.
00:56:41They're mad.
00:56:42But we were
00:56:43raised to fear
00:56:44your girlfriend's
00:56:45father, not
00:56:47have a
00:56:47conversation
00:56:47with him.
00:56:48Hey, hi
00:56:48pops, what's
00:56:49going on?
00:56:50What's going
00:56:50on?
00:56:50Talk about
00:56:51politics, talk
00:56:51about sport.
00:56:52I never
00:56:53talk about
00:56:53football with
00:56:54a girl's
00:56:54father in
00:56:55my life.
00:56:56I look
00:56:56in a go
00:56:56by your
00:56:57place.
00:56:57I want
00:57:00to talk
00:57:01with your
00:57:01father.
00:57:02No, it's
00:57:03changing.
00:57:03That's what I'm
00:57:03saying.
00:57:04I think they
00:57:06could end up
00:57:07in a better
00:57:07place, but we
00:57:08have plenty
00:57:08of learning
00:57:09to do.
00:57:10A lot of
00:57:10learning to
00:57:11do from
00:57:11our generation.
00:57:13So now we
00:57:13could get
00:57:13in, you
00:57:15want to
00:57:16see, because
00:57:17we need to
00:57:17get into
00:57:17closing thoughts.
00:57:19Whether you
00:57:20want to
00:57:20start it,
00:57:20whether you
00:57:21want to
00:57:21start it,
00:57:22closing thoughts.
00:57:24Because this
00:57:25is manhood, I
00:57:26appreciate this
00:57:27because I
00:57:28myself doing
00:57:29some introspection
00:57:30on where I
00:57:31may have
00:57:32played the
00:57:32victim and
00:57:33also
00:57:34intentionally,
00:57:36also as I
00:57:37say unintentionally,
00:57:38maybe how I
00:57:39was brought up,
00:57:40my environment,
00:57:41et cetera, but
00:57:42also I'm adding
00:57:42that I'm
00:57:43not allowing
00:57:43myself to
00:57:44be played
00:57:45by people
00:57:46who play
00:57:46the victim,
00:57:48but still
00:57:48understanding
00:57:49that maybe
00:57:50that's how
00:57:50they grew
00:57:51up and
00:57:52that's what
00:57:52they need
00:57:52to do to
00:57:53get what
00:57:54they want.
00:57:55And I
00:57:56guess even
00:57:57from what
00:57:58everybody is
00:57:58saying, what
00:57:59I'm taking
00:57:59is everybody,
00:58:00everybody will
00:58:01do what they
00:58:02need to do
00:58:02to get what
00:58:03they want.
00:58:04And if we
00:58:05live in our
00:58:05world now,
00:58:06not if,
00:58:07because we are
00:58:08living in our
00:58:08world, and I
00:58:08think especially
00:58:09because of social
00:58:10media, the
00:58:11reward for
00:58:12being a
00:58:12victim is
00:58:12way higher.
00:58:14As a man,
00:58:15as a boy
00:58:15before, I
00:58:16wasn't rewarded
00:58:16by nobody
00:58:18for playing
00:58:19no victim.
00:58:20But now,
00:58:21you're rewarded,
00:58:21man or woman,
00:58:23you're rewarded,
00:58:24and rewarded
00:58:24whether it's
00:58:24likes, whether
00:58:25it's popularity,
00:58:26whether it is
00:58:27sympathy.
00:58:29Listen, people
00:58:30who are begging
00:58:31for a house,
00:58:32right?
00:58:33I'm not saying
00:58:33that people
00:58:35shouldn't get
00:58:35help, you
00:58:36know, but
00:58:37if I could
00:58:39beg for a
00:58:39house and
00:58:40get a
00:58:40house,
00:58:40and a
00:58:42child growing
00:58:42up seeing
00:58:43that, then
00:58:43okay, well,
00:58:44then maybe I
00:58:45should do
00:58:45that.
00:58:45If I play
00:58:46the victim
00:58:47and I get
00:58:48a thousand
00:58:48likes, and
00:58:50everybody know
00:58:50me now and
00:58:51giving me
00:58:51things, then
00:58:51why would I
00:58:54study and
00:58:56get a degree?
00:58:56Now, your
00:58:57parents can be
00:58:58telling you that
00:58:58in the home,
00:58:59but if the
00:58:59reward is this,
00:59:01and you're
00:59:01telling me this,
00:59:02and it's the
00:59:03path of most
00:59:03resistance, then
00:59:04I'm not doing
00:59:05it.
00:59:05And I'm not
00:59:06saying it's
00:59:06right or wrong,
00:59:07because I was
00:59:08listening to you
00:59:09all in terms
00:59:09of being a
00:59:10parent, right?
00:59:11So I'll give
00:59:12you all from an
00:59:12outside point of
00:59:13view, being a
00:59:14professional.
00:59:15Yes, I have no
00:59:16blueprint to be
00:59:17a parent, but
00:59:18not but, and
00:59:20there's human
00:59:21behavior, and
00:59:22whatever you train
00:59:23a child, it's
00:59:24however they'll
00:59:25view the world.
00:59:26So if your
00:59:27child do something
00:59:28wrong and you
00:59:29reward them, then
00:59:30they will view
00:59:31the world as
00:59:31that.
00:59:32For whatever
00:59:33reason, whatever
00:59:33reason you all
00:59:34come up with,
00:59:34whether it's
00:59:35trauma, whether
00:59:36it's not.
00:59:37once you reward
00:59:38a child for
00:59:39doing something
00:59:39wrong, that's
00:59:40how they'll view
00:59:40the world, and
00:59:41then they will
00:59:41expect it.
00:59:42And once they
00:59:42expect it, then
00:59:44if they don't
00:59:45get it, they
00:59:45become the
00:59:46victim.
00:59:47So a lot of
00:59:48this generation,
00:59:49they give the
00:59:50children all the
00:59:51things they
00:59:52didn't have, but
00:59:53all the hard
00:59:54work that they
00:59:54had with it.
00:59:56that's saying
00:59:56great men make
00:59:57weak children, and
00:59:58they don't
00:59:58understand that
00:59:59that scenario, when
00:59:59you say great
01:00:00men produce weak
01:00:01children, but
01:00:02what they're not
01:00:03saying is because
01:00:03you're giving
01:00:04them that without
01:00:05the understanding
01:00:06of what you
01:00:07went through.
01:00:07And it's hard
01:00:08not to, and
01:00:09that's something
01:00:09you have to
01:00:09train yourself
01:00:10like.
01:00:10So you create
01:00:11victims, that's
01:00:12what they're
01:00:13essentially doing.
01:00:14So when they
01:00:14go out in the
01:00:14real world and
01:00:15they're faced
01:00:16with the
01:00:16hardship that you
01:00:17didn't prepare
01:00:18them for,
01:00:19everybody want
01:00:19to kill
01:00:19themselves,
01:00:20everybody have
01:00:21depression.
01:00:21Yeah, and
01:00:22I think parents
01:00:23do that, but
01:00:24they do it
01:00:25thinking that
01:00:25they're
01:00:25protecting their
01:00:26children, but
01:00:28really and
01:00:29truly, you're
01:00:29not giving
01:00:30them the
01:00:31strength to
01:00:32really go out
01:00:33there and do
01:00:33something.
01:00:34You're not
01:00:34giving them the
01:00:35responsibility,
01:00:36you know, like
01:00:36what we used
01:00:36to have, take
01:00:37out the garbage,
01:00:37feed the dog,
01:00:38wash the car,
01:00:39all these kinds
01:00:39of things.
01:00:40First job, my
01:00:40father make me
01:00:41take attention
01:00:41around some
01:00:42people, I
01:00:42thought he
01:00:43was mad.
01:00:44That was
01:00:45valuable to me
01:00:45in the long
01:00:46run.
01:00:47Let me tell
01:00:48you how bad
01:00:48it is now, and
01:00:49then I'll
01:00:49end.
01:00:51A lot of
01:00:51times when
01:00:52people bring
01:00:52their children
01:00:53to me and
01:00:53say, my
01:00:54child, especially
01:00:54your boys,
01:00:55he misbehave
01:00:56and he
01:00:57thinks, here
01:00:57the first
01:00:58question I
01:00:58ask, how
01:00:59much chores
01:00:59he does
01:01:00do?
01:01:01Most times
01:01:02he has
01:01:04nothing to
01:01:04do.
01:01:04And because
01:01:05he has
01:01:05nothing to
01:01:05do, you
01:01:06expect him
01:01:06to be
01:01:07perfect because
01:01:07you're not
01:01:07putting no
01:01:08burden on
01:01:08him.
01:01:09I am
01:01:09that right
01:01:10now.
01:01:10That's
01:01:10what I'm
01:01:11saying.
01:01:11So I'm
01:01:11speaking in
01:01:12my truth,
01:01:12right?
01:01:13I am
01:01:13that and
01:01:14that is
01:01:14something
01:01:14that I
01:01:15have, I'm
01:01:15learning now
01:01:16in my
01:01:16whole time,
01:01:17I'm
01:01:17learning it
01:01:17now.
01:01:18So
01:01:18understand,
01:01:20anybody
01:01:20listening,
01:01:21what you're
01:01:21going through,
01:01:22you're not
01:01:22alone because
01:01:23I'm in
01:01:23that now and
01:01:24something that
01:01:24I fight
01:01:25against and
01:01:26I have to
01:01:26admit, what
01:01:28you allow
01:01:28you choose.
01:01:31And I
01:01:32have allowed
01:01:33stupidness for
01:01:34a long time.
01:01:35So I have
01:01:36chosen to be
01:01:37in the
01:01:37stupidness,
01:01:38in the
01:01:38hamster wheel
01:01:39of stupidity.
01:01:40You have to
01:01:41choose to
01:01:42come off
01:01:42that wheel.
01:01:43And as
01:01:43hard as it
01:01:44is because
01:01:45you remember
01:01:45when you're
01:01:46looking to
01:01:46come off,
01:01:47you then
01:01:48start to
01:01:48doubt comes
01:01:49in,
01:01:50guilt
01:01:50comes in,
01:01:51you start to
01:01:51tell yourself
01:01:51how could I
01:01:52shouldn't do
01:01:53that?
01:01:53I should be
01:01:53better because
01:01:54okay, it
01:01:55didn't work
01:01:55out, something
01:01:56here didn't
01:01:56work out,
01:01:57so because
01:01:57of that I
01:01:58should give
01:01:58you more
01:01:59here because
01:01:59I did
01:02:00wrong here.
01:02:01And all
01:02:01of those
01:02:02things start
01:02:02to play.
01:02:03But the
01:02:03fact of the
01:02:03matter is,
01:02:05we know,
01:02:05as you
01:02:06said,
01:02:07in our
01:02:08generation,
01:02:09I believe,
01:02:09our moral
01:02:10compass was
01:02:10there because
01:02:11it was instilled
01:02:11in us from
01:02:12early.
01:02:12We come
01:02:13from a
01:02:13time of
01:02:13right and
01:02:14wrong.
01:02:14And we
01:02:15lived in
01:02:16the right
01:02:16and wrong.
01:02:17Anybody
01:02:17who had the
01:02:17opportunity to
01:02:18live in a
01:02:19nuclear household
01:02:19and surrounded
01:02:20by a strong
01:02:21village knows
01:02:22better.
01:02:23I give
01:02:24people the
01:02:24benefit of
01:02:25the doubt
01:02:25based on
01:02:25community because
01:02:27sometimes they
01:02:28didn't know.
01:02:29I know because
01:02:30basic manners,
01:02:32we know it.
01:02:33This new
01:02:34generation don't
01:02:35know it.
01:02:36You try to
01:02:36shake a 14
01:02:37year old boy
01:02:38hand to
01:02:38introduce
01:02:39yourself, he
01:02:39cannot look
01:02:40you in the
01:02:40eye and say
01:02:40his full
01:02:41name.
01:02:42My name is
01:02:42Jonathan
01:02:42James.
01:02:43Pleased to
01:02:43meet you,
01:02:44sir.
01:02:44They don't
01:02:44know how
01:02:45because they
01:02:45grown up in
01:02:46a place that
01:02:46don't do
01:02:47it.
01:02:47We know
01:02:48better, so
01:02:48we have to
01:02:49do better.
01:02:49And I
01:02:50am striving
01:02:51here and
01:02:51seeing it
01:02:51on this
01:02:52manhood show
01:02:52that my
01:02:53quest now
01:02:54is to do
01:02:54better.
01:02:55And that
01:02:56is why
01:02:56we're
01:02:56close.
01:02:56I received
01:02:57that,
01:02:57YTC.
01:02:58For that.
01:02:59Just another
01:03:00thing, just
01:03:01to go back
01:03:01to what you
01:03:02were saying
01:03:02earlier about
01:03:03victim mode
01:03:05being tied
01:03:05to childhood
01:03:07trauma.
01:03:08Some
01:03:09form of
01:03:10trauma.
01:03:11I think
01:03:11that begs
01:03:13the question
01:03:13now, especially
01:03:14on a show
01:03:14like manhood.
01:03:15I think
01:03:17men need
01:03:17to be more
01:03:18comfortable
01:03:19with being
01:03:20vulnerable.
01:03:21Like what
01:03:21is happening
01:03:22here now,
01:03:23men would
01:03:25tend to
01:03:25keep what
01:03:26is troubling
01:03:27them inside
01:03:27because the
01:03:28age-old thing
01:03:29of be a man
01:03:30or whatever
01:03:30the case
01:03:31may be.
01:03:31But I
01:03:32think because
01:03:33men have
01:03:35this, and
01:03:36I know some
01:03:36women might
01:03:37get a little
01:03:37bit annoyed,
01:03:38but men
01:03:38could talk,
01:03:39I find,
01:03:40more freely
01:03:41and much
01:03:41better than
01:03:42women in
01:03:43terms of,
01:03:43you know,
01:03:44if men
01:03:45allow themselves
01:03:45to be more
01:03:46vulnerable
01:03:46and talk
01:03:47to each
01:03:48other,
01:03:49we could
01:03:50actually be
01:03:50our own
01:03:51therapists,
01:03:52so to speak.
01:03:53You know,
01:03:54I do think,
01:03:55based on history,
01:03:56if you talk
01:03:56into a partner
01:03:57about a
01:03:58problem,
01:04:00if you think
01:04:00back,
01:04:01there is no
01:04:01judgment,
01:04:03there is no
01:04:03kind of like,
01:04:05you know,
01:04:05they receive
01:04:07what you're
01:04:07saying and
01:04:07they try to
01:04:08help you
01:04:08through it,
01:04:08so I think
01:04:09things like
01:04:09this should
01:04:10be done
01:04:11more often.
01:04:12But it was
01:04:13always a fear,
01:04:14men operate
01:04:14in a place
01:04:15of fear.
01:04:16If you get
01:04:16more,
01:04:17you don't
01:04:17really need
01:04:18to say,
01:04:18oh God,
01:04:19but no,
01:04:20yes,
01:04:20I think men
01:04:21do that now.
01:04:21Women do,
01:04:22they have a
01:04:23haven,
01:04:23we never
01:04:24had that.
01:04:24But I
01:04:24don't know,
01:04:25I think,
01:04:26we operate
01:04:26in shame,
01:04:28shame is our
01:04:28thing.
01:04:29So as I'm
01:04:29saying,
01:04:30we need to
01:04:30get past
01:04:30that because
01:04:31we need to
01:04:31look at it
01:04:32for the
01:04:32greater good
01:04:33where if
01:04:33we just
01:04:34lower our
01:04:35God a little
01:04:36bit.
01:04:36But this
01:04:38is for like
01:04:39the younger
01:04:39generation now
01:04:40where these
01:04:40young men
01:04:41now don't
01:04:41need to
01:04:42play this
01:04:42bad,
01:04:43what they
01:04:44perceive a
01:04:45man to be,
01:04:45that they
01:04:46could literally
01:04:47be each
01:04:47other's keeper,
01:04:48each other's
01:04:48therapist,
01:04:49and we
01:04:49could all
01:04:49grow as
01:04:51men.
01:04:51The tagline
01:04:52for manhood
01:04:53is better
01:04:53as brothers,
01:04:54and that's
01:04:55exactly what
01:04:55you're speaking
01:04:56about.
01:04:56We've had
01:04:57other episodes,
01:04:58just really
01:04:58quickly because
01:04:59I know we've
01:04:59run out of
01:05:00time,
01:05:01we've had
01:05:01other episodes
01:05:02where we
01:05:02spoke about
01:05:03that men,
01:05:04as you said,
01:05:05maybe back in
01:05:05the day,
01:05:06which has just
01:05:06been a bit
01:05:06controversial to
01:05:07what you were
01:05:09saying,
01:05:10that back in
01:05:10the day when
01:05:11a brother would
01:05:12listen to you,
01:05:13it may be
01:05:13genuine,
01:05:14maybe.
01:05:15Now that you
01:05:16may find,
01:05:17maybe with
01:05:17social media and
01:05:18so many other
01:05:18things,
01:05:19a lot of
01:05:19times people
01:05:20are listening
01:05:21for either
01:05:22listening to
01:05:23retort,
01:05:23repeat,
01:05:24to respond,
01:05:25or simply
01:05:26to go in
01:05:27their mind,
01:05:28I'm glad
01:05:29that's not
01:05:29me,
01:05:29boy.
01:05:30So your
01:05:30brother telling
01:05:30you something
01:05:31about what
01:05:32going on with
01:05:32the wifey or
01:05:33your horn or
01:05:34something like that,
01:05:34and you're just
01:05:35like,
01:05:35when you didn't
01:05:36fix somebody
01:05:36else,
01:05:36you didn't
01:05:36fix skin.
01:05:37Yeah,
01:05:37I'm glad
01:05:38that's not
01:05:39me,
01:05:39boy.
01:05:40So you're
01:05:40listening,
01:05:40you're giving
01:05:40some advice,
01:05:42but at the
01:05:42same time,
01:05:43you might be
01:05:44going back to
01:05:45your wifey and
01:05:45saying,
01:05:46hey,
01:05:46so-and-so
01:05:46have been
01:05:46and you're
01:05:47trying to
01:05:47course-correct
01:05:48maybe some
01:05:49things that
01:05:49might be
01:05:50leading towards
01:05:51something similar,
01:05:53it's almost
01:05:53like it's an
01:05:54awareness.
01:05:55So you're
01:05:55not really
01:05:56listening to
01:05:56help that
01:05:57brother,
01:05:57you know,
01:05:57well,
01:05:57you want to,
01:05:58I mean,
01:05:58it might
01:05:58still be a
01:05:59partner,
01:06:00but it's an
01:06:00awareness of,
01:06:01okay,
01:06:01well,
01:06:01you're going
01:06:01through this,
01:06:02I know,
01:06:03it's almost
01:06:04like a message
01:06:05from God
01:06:05to me now
01:06:06to say,
01:06:06don't make
01:06:07the same
01:06:07mistake.
01:06:07You think,
01:06:08others are
01:06:08really clueless.
01:06:09But men,
01:06:10but there are
01:06:10men that listen
01:06:11and they,
01:06:12or you have a
01:06:16help or put
01:06:17you in a
01:06:17particular
01:06:18position.
01:06:18Because again,
01:06:19remember I
01:06:20said the only
01:06:20person who
01:06:21really wants
01:06:21you to be
01:06:21better than
01:06:22them is
01:06:23your father.
01:06:24Unconditional
01:06:24love.
01:06:25Another person
01:06:26may want you
01:06:26to do well,
01:06:27but not
01:06:27necessarily
01:06:27better than
01:06:28they have.
01:06:29Right?
01:06:30So,
01:06:30I'm always
01:06:31glad,
01:06:32shabedians
01:06:32get mad
01:06:33all the time.
01:06:33I'm always
01:06:33glad for
01:06:34everybody once
01:06:34they,
01:06:35you know
01:06:35that.
01:06:35Not everybody
01:06:37have that
01:06:37mindset.
01:06:38Like TC has
01:06:38mentioned to
01:06:39three or four
01:06:39times on his
01:06:40show,
01:06:40that's growth.
01:06:41That's where
01:06:42you are right
01:06:42now.
01:06:43And that's a
01:06:43blessing for
01:06:44you to be
01:06:44there.
01:06:45And that
01:06:45could be
01:06:45born out
01:06:46of certain
01:06:47levels of
01:06:47trauma in
01:06:48your life.
01:06:48You decided
01:06:49to go right
01:06:50instead of
01:06:50left.
01:06:51Other persons
01:06:52may have
01:06:52gone down
01:06:52the road of
01:06:53drugs and
01:06:53all the rest
01:06:54of it.
01:06:54You,
01:06:55Phoenix from
01:06:55the flames,
01:06:56you came
01:06:56out of
01:06:57that.
01:06:58And so,
01:06:59when we
01:06:59speak about
01:07:00victimhood and
01:07:01victim mentality
01:07:02and being born
01:07:03out of trauma,
01:07:04whether we
01:07:04look to the
01:07:04government,
01:07:05whether we
01:07:05look to the
01:07:06person,
01:07:06whether we
01:07:07introspect,
01:07:07one of the
01:07:08things I've
01:07:08taken away
01:07:08from this
01:07:09show here
01:07:10today is
01:07:11also to
01:07:12say that
01:07:13thing,
01:07:14who died
01:07:15and made
01:07:15me God.
01:07:16Because I'm
01:07:17in this
01:07:17position and
01:07:18I think this
01:07:19way, I
01:07:20shouldn't expect
01:07:21that person
01:07:21to be that
01:07:23way.
01:07:24And to
01:07:24close on,
01:07:26I want to
01:07:26close with a
01:07:27quote, but
01:07:27to pre-close
01:07:29on something
01:07:30that you
01:07:30said,
01:07:30TC, about
01:07:31rarely seeing
01:07:32people.
01:07:34Seeing that
01:07:34person, if I
01:07:35see that
01:07:35person, I
01:07:36may have
01:07:37more respect
01:07:38for that
01:07:38person and
01:07:39therefore that
01:07:40understanding of
01:07:41because I
01:07:42see this this
01:07:42way, I
01:07:43should not
01:07:44expect that
01:07:45you see it
01:07:45that way and
01:07:46let's come to
01:07:47an understanding,
01:07:47let's come to
01:07:48a discussion and
01:07:49let me see how I
01:07:50can be better as
01:07:51a brother and
01:07:52assist you.
01:07:54I don't like to
01:07:54use the word
01:07:54help, assist in
01:07:57making you better
01:07:58and also making
01:07:59myself better
01:07:59because everything
01:08:00is about growth.
01:08:01I want to
01:08:02close by reading a
01:08:02quote if you
01:08:03don't mind.
01:08:03So, one of
01:08:08the things...
01:08:08I'm just going
01:08:09to say, grab
01:08:09your glasses.
01:08:10Yeah, you
01:08:10don't have to
01:08:11grab the
01:08:12glasses.
01:08:12I ain't
01:08:12shame.
01:08:13I ain't
01:08:13shame.
01:08:14Legs and
01:08:15all that still
01:08:15working.
01:08:16So, never
01:08:17allow yourself
01:08:18to be made
01:08:18a victim.
01:08:19Accept no
01:08:20one's definition
01:08:21of your life.
01:08:22Define
01:08:22yourself.
01:08:24A wise
01:08:24woman wishes
01:08:25to be no
01:08:25one's enemy.
01:08:26A wise
01:08:27woman refuses
01:08:28to be anyone's
01:08:29victim.
01:08:30Life is
01:08:30nothing but a
01:08:31competition to
01:08:32be the
01:08:32criminal rather
01:08:33than the
01:08:34victim.
01:08:34And I
01:08:34purposely chose
01:08:35wise woman
01:08:36because we
01:08:36are on
01:08:36manhood but
01:08:37to say that
01:08:38it's all
01:08:39persons because
01:08:40even when a
01:08:40woman is
01:08:40playing a
01:08:41victim it's
01:08:41going to
01:08:41affect a
01:08:42man and
01:08:42vice versa.
01:08:44And just
01:08:44one final
01:08:45quote,
01:08:46Banton.
01:08:47And the
01:08:52final quote
01:08:53is, when
01:08:55your victimhood
01:08:55is your
01:08:56empowerment,
01:08:57recovery is
01:08:57the enemy
01:08:58and working
01:08:59on individual
01:09:00change becomes
01:09:02counterproductive,
01:09:03even dangerous
01:09:04to your
01:09:04identity.
01:09:06So I want
01:09:06to thank
01:09:07Johanse,
01:09:10TC,
01:09:11Stuart,
01:09:12victim
01:09:12mentality.
01:09:13This one
01:09:13has been,
01:09:14I know we
01:09:14say it all
01:09:15the time,
01:09:15Johanse,
01:09:15but this
01:09:16has really
01:09:16been another
01:09:17eye-opener
01:09:18and I hope
01:09:18we have
01:09:19shared some
01:09:20positivity in
01:09:20your life.
01:09:21This is
01:09:21manhood.
01:09:22manhood brought
01:09:29you in part
01:09:29by Super
01:09:30Farm.
01:09:31Manhood brought
01:09:32you in part
01:09:33by Solomon's
01:09:34Bespoke.