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Gogglebox - Season 25 Episode 5,
Gogglebox S25E05

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😹
Fun
Transcript
00:00Right, I think if I...
00:02Are we?
00:03Shit.
00:04You're going to end up breaking your bloody neck.
00:07Now I can see it coming off.
00:09Two, three, four, five, six, seven.
00:14Seven, wow.
00:19Oh, that's me, YOLO.
00:21You always get one, don't you?
00:23What's going on here?
00:24That's my weekend ruined. I've got Lion King tickets.
00:27Right, I'm not watching any more.
00:29Who shot him?
00:30Him.
00:31Yoo-hoo.
00:32Yes, yes, yes.
00:33Oh, no.
00:35I like it already.
00:36Is that a bomb? What is it?
00:37Oh.
00:38Boom.
00:39Oh, well, I...
00:40Oh, no.
00:41Oh, it's bleeding.
00:42Oh, I'm getting all goosey.
00:44Well, what exciting times we live in.
00:46In the week of Whippock, our mute show won best in show at Crubs.
00:51We enjoyed lots of great telly.
00:54A Dutchess had us over on Netflix.
00:58It's tied up.
00:59The joy of hostessing for me is surprising people.
01:03Oh, I'm the best host. I'm better than you.
01:05You are not.
01:06Yes, I am, because once you've had a drink, that's it.
01:09Everybody else is dying for a drink and you're pissed off.
01:12You're somewhere throwing yourself all over.
01:15Whereas I go around making sure everybody's OK.
01:19I do for the first hour.
01:20Yeah, that's it then after that.
01:22It's a free-for-all for you.
01:25There was a bad babysitter on Channel 5.
01:28How's the search for the au pair going?
01:30Terribly, thankfully.
01:33Chris thinks we need one, but I'm not so sure.
01:36When I was an au pair, I decided to leave
01:40when the woman said at short notice
01:42that she's decided that the baby would ruin Christmas
01:45and could I stay for Christmas so they could go skiing?
01:49And at that statement, I went upstairs and packed my bag
01:53and came downstairs and said, I'm going.
01:55You can look after your family.
01:57I remember you coming home.
01:59Yeah, and then she even contacted me months after,
02:01saying, do you want to come back?
02:04And expectations were high down under on E4.
02:08Some guy out there would love a wife who's interesting
02:11and got a lot going for her.
02:13I think some men don't want an interesting wife,
02:16that's the only thing, Nance.
02:18They'd rather have one that wasn't as interesting as them.
02:21Yes, that's why I married you.
02:29That was funny, wasn't it, Natty?
02:39In Leeds...
02:41What is that?
02:43What? It's a celebration.
02:45Of? International Women's Day.
02:47Oh, yeah.
02:48Best friends Danielle and Daniella.
02:51Ching-ching to all of the awesome women on the world.
02:55Queens. In the world.
02:57All of them. You, us. Cheers.
03:00It's great being a woman. It is great being a woman.
03:02It's bloody awesome being a woman. We are awesome.
03:05Right, OK, and it... What? What?
03:09Is that non-alcoholic? Absolutely, yeah.
03:12What?
03:15On Saturday night, there was another bunch of people
03:18showing off on ITV.
03:20There you go.
03:22Oh, cheers.
03:27Cheers.
03:28Oh, thank you ever so much, Leigh.
03:33Russell, if you were a judge on Britain's Got Talent
03:35and I was doing a talent, you'd give me golden buzzer, wouldn't you?
03:38No, I'd give you the bad buzzer. The red buzzer?
03:40The red buzzer, yeah. Yeah.
03:42Some brother you are.
03:46Can you make the buzz noise?
03:48It's good. No, that's the Family Fortune one.
03:50No, the Family Fortune one is...
03:52He's right. Yeah, he's right. That's your talent.
03:54I know my buzzers. Yeah.
03:57In the programme, we saw a yoga instructor from India
04:00take to the stage.
04:05Is he a dancer?
04:07Come on, let's have it.
04:08I'm already invested. What's he going to do with those watermelons?
04:14Oh, he's getting one of the judges up.
04:16Who's he calling up? Who's he calling up?
04:20Oh, he wants Simon, look.
04:26Come on, Simon, you've got to do it. Come on, Simon, get out there.
04:29What's he going to do to Simon?
04:32Lay down!
04:34Go for it, Lee, he's having a go.
04:36Shit, but he don't know what he's in for.
04:41Is that a sledgehammer? A sledgehammer? A sledgehammer?
04:44Oh, my God, it's melons and a sledgehammer.
04:47You can't take a sledgehammer to Simon Cowell.
04:50Simon, you need to stay completely still.
04:53You need to stay completely still. This isn't safe. No.
04:56You need to be completely still.
04:58And let's be fair, how do you tell the difference
05:01between Simon Cowell and a melon?
05:07Oh, blindfolded!
05:09Get Simon off the stage!
05:12This is the end of Simon Cowell.
05:14You got blindfolded.
05:18We didn't do this in rehearsal.
05:23Oh, my God, can't watch.
05:25I would not be doing this.
05:27I love this, this is unhinged.
05:30Oh, my God.
05:32I'm a bit on edge watching this.
05:34I'm feeling very anxious.
05:36Oh, I don't like this, I don't really want to watch it run.
05:43Those watermelons are too close to his head for my liking.
05:46They are.
05:48Well, you'll feel a fool if he smashes his head in, won't you?
05:51He created this beast. Yeah.
05:53May it destroy him.
05:56Oh, shit!
05:58Oh, look!
06:00Whoa, whoa!
06:04Bloody hell!
06:06Oh, Simon, get up!
06:10Oh, no! He's going near his head!
06:13He's a lunatic, man.
06:15What is talent, anyway?
06:17What is talent?
06:19Oh!
06:21Oh! Don't move!
06:23He's going near his head! Stay still!
06:26He's going near his head! Stay still!
06:28Can't watch it, can't watch it.
06:32Stop!
06:34Distract him, Amanda, by pressing the bastard's buzzer.
06:37Oh, yeah, he might get mad.
06:39Stop! Stop! Stop!
06:41Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!
06:44Stop! Stop it!
06:46He's not stopping!
06:50Are you OK? Crazy.
06:52Well done. Well done.
06:54Oh, he's still doing it! Oh, he's still doing it!
06:56Get him off the stage!
06:58He's on an absolute fruit rampage!
07:07Get a standing ovation. Look, they're all clapping.
07:10Yay, you nearly killed Simon! Yay!
07:13I can't believe what we're calling entertainment nowadays.
07:16A sledgehammer-yielding yoga teacher
07:19attempts to kill Simon Cowell
07:21and gets a standing ovation.
07:25We're really scraping the barrel now.
07:29In hall... Do you want a cup of tea, Jenny?
07:32Well, I've been here an hour and a half already
07:34and waiting, I'm dying of thirst.
07:36Would you like Peppermint? El Grey?
07:39Shall we try that?
07:41Best friends Jenny and Lee.
07:43It smells all right, though.
07:45You don't... Tea is tea. El Grey, you know, it's flowery.
07:49Yeah, but it's posh tea, innit?
07:51You're not fucking posh.
07:53About time I pulled myself up a bit.
07:57Posh tea.
07:59I couldn't be someone that I'm not, Lee.
08:01I know, exactly. Do you want a proper cup of tea, then?
08:03Yeah.
08:06I knew you would.
08:08This week, we Netflixed and chilled with a very famous face.
08:12You're giving a bit Megs today.
08:14Megan Thee Stallion? No, Megan Markle.
08:16You see, this is going to give us a glimpse into airworld, Lee.
08:20Do you really want to go in airworld?
08:22I don't know, I want to see what it's like.
08:24You're just a nosy bastard. I am.
08:31It's very Martha Stewart-ish, isn't it? Yeah.
08:34But without the tax evasion, hopefully.
08:37So, my dear friend Daniel is coming over.
08:40Daniel, yeah? Mmm!
08:42No. Oh, no.
08:44Still happy with Harry.
08:46And whenever I have someone come and stay,
08:49one of my favourite things to do is to prep the guest room.
08:52How do we prep our guest room?
08:54We just change the bed, don't we? Yeah.
08:57Spray a bit of Febreze around.
08:59Quick sniff of the duvet. Yeah.
09:01That'll do.
09:03I think about the two places of a guest experience
09:06once they've gone into their room.
09:08What's at the side of the bed for them?
09:10That's their good morning and good night moment.
09:12Eh? The good morning and their good night moment?
09:15And what is in the bathroom for them
09:17so they can have a beautiful soak,
09:19a nice bath at the end of the night?
09:21Yeah, have you been a guest at someone's house and had a bath?
09:24You could go to someone else's house for the night and have a shower.
09:27That's acceptable, that's standard.
09:29But don't start having a bath, that is weird.
09:32So, for bath salts...
09:34She's making the bath salts for their soak at the end of the night?
09:38The base of what we need is good old-fashioned Epsom salts.
09:42She must be doing this for, like, Charles and Camilla, you know,
09:46Yeah.
09:49We're going to try to fill this container,
09:51so we're probably going to use quite a bit.
09:53Jeepers, creepers, how many baths are they going to have?
09:56It's going to be like the Dead Sea. It is.
09:58Some lavender, I think it's calming at the end of the night.
10:01I've got Epsom salts and I've got lavender in the cabinet.
10:05I could make this.
10:07Pink Himalayan sea salt, why not?
10:09Oh, I've got some Himalayan pink salt as well!
10:12See, I knew it, me and Megan, we could be besties.
10:15The reason I'm leaving some room at the top,
10:17I like to make, like, a tea bag for the bath.
10:20A tea bag for the bath?
10:22All blokes have to tea bag the bath, like, oh, a bit hot, like,
10:25it's like a jacket.
10:26You taste the water, don't you?
10:30Not ready yet.
10:31Do you have to pull this everything down to your level?
10:35When it comes to Daniel, we've been friends for maybe 15 years.
10:38Oh, that's from when she was on Suits.
10:41And he has just been in my life for the before, during and after.
10:46Oh, before, during and after what, honey?
10:48Er, yeah, I've got you.
10:51You know what she's talking about there. Thanks, Megan.
10:54And he's very much a mainstay.
10:56Uncle Daniel, the kids call him.
10:58What about Uncle William? What happened to him?
11:00Yeah.
11:02OK, so we have done the base of what we need to welcome Daniel.
11:06Now let's go prep some snacks.
11:08Oh, talk to me here then, Megan. What snacks are we doing?
11:11I learned this very, very recently.
11:14What's that? What's she putting in there?
11:16You can take half of dried corn, put it in a paper bag.
11:20What? What are you meant to do with that?
11:22Two minutes.
11:26It's popping, Mary.
11:28That's a little bit shy of two minutes.
11:30That's never the microwave, is it?
11:33You guys, let's have a look.
11:36Look at that, Dave.
11:38Popcorn!
11:40Look at how fun that is.
11:42That is fun. That's fun. That's fun.
11:44That's mental, that. I didn't know you could do that.
11:47For Daniel, why don't we do some truffle popcorn?
11:50Truffle pop... I knew it was going to be posh.
11:52I won't thank you for that.
11:54Truffle oil. Oh, no, no, don't spoil it.
11:56It's not truffle oil.
11:58There's so many times that our lives have been ruined by truffle oil.
12:01No, please, it's such a big mistake.
12:03You put about 80 quid's worth of truffle oil on that, didn't you?
12:07Might as well just get a couple of... I bet it tastes crap and all.
12:10Just get some buttercase.
12:12And now everything's ready for Daniel's arrival tonight.
12:15Well, that's nice. I'd be happy with that.
12:17I'd be impressed with that.
12:19Could you imagine my rucksack after I left there?
12:21It'd be all in there. You'd be taking it home.
12:23I'd be loading the train.
12:25Hello.
12:27He's here. He's here.
12:29Oh, hello.
12:31Here's the precious Daniel. Here's the hostage.
12:34Why doesn't anyone ever present peas like this?
12:39Because most people don't offer their friends peas.
12:47Yeah, look at the vista there.
12:49Look at that for a back garden.
12:51Imagine living in Montecito.
12:54What is this view? What is this?
12:56Go to the end of our street, turn right and you can see the Bradship.
13:00No, yeah, I know.
13:02To love. To love.
13:04Cheers, dear. Cheers, dear.
13:06To love.
13:08To love.
13:10Do you know what I say when people come and stay here?
13:13Help yourselves to whatever.
13:15Treat this as though it's your own house. Yeah.
13:17So then I'm not getting up like a knobhead,
13:19having to brew up every five minutes.
13:21Every five minutes, yeah.
13:23You want a biscuit? Go and fucking get one.
13:31In Derby...
13:33My seat, Tashi.
13:35Every time, for God's sake.
13:37..the Siddiquis.
13:39I'm not moving her. Come on, Tashi.
13:45Thanks, Tashi.
13:47Yeah, I did my bit.
13:49She didn't know, for God's sake.
13:51She knows she'll attack me.
13:53Just sit on her, then she'll move. Or will she?
13:55Don't sit on her, but pretend that you're going to sit.
13:57Yeah, just lower your buttocks onto her.
13:59Look, she's playing chicken.
14:01She's wickedly playing chicken.
14:03On Monday night,
14:05we checked out a new competitive chess series on BBC Two.
14:09Oh, this is that thing, isn't it?
14:11New game. Chess Masters. Yeah.
14:13Can you be interested in this?
14:15Not really.
14:17The only thing I know about chess
14:19is that Roy Cropper plays it on Corrie.
14:21Yeah, and that little boy... Sam.
14:23..is really good at it, Sam.
14:2512 rising stars of the UK's booming chess community...
14:29Booming, booming.
14:31Queen's Gambits, thanks for that.
14:33..playing for a coveted place in the finals.
14:35Do you become one with the board?
14:37They make it sound a little bit more exciting than it actually is, don't they?
14:40It might be exciting once you get into it, you know.
14:43So, are we going to watch a show of people playing chess?
14:45It's good, man. It's a big thing, this.
14:47OK.
14:52Chess Masters, the end game.
14:54Is it like noughts and crosses? No.
14:58Ah! Ha-ha! Morning all.
15:01Ooh, look at Sue Perkins in a red velvet power suit.
15:04Does Sue play chess?
15:06I bet she does. She's very bright, Sue.
15:08For your first match today, you'll be playing head-to-head speed chess.
15:12Oh, speed chess. Oh, that's your tinging.
15:14Is it? So once I move, ting, you've got to move,
15:18ting, like that, you know what I mean?
15:20My prawn on to your king. Fine.
15:23Pawn, not prawn.
15:25So, Nick and Navi, this is the eliminator.
15:28Oh, and it's a knockout. Oh!
15:31This is what they call sudden death chess. I know, yeah.
15:35You don't get more nail-biting than this, Joe.
15:37He's a strong player. I know I'm stronger.
15:40And I'm going to prove it. You wait and see.
15:42Confident, I like that. Quite competitive, aren't they?
15:45It's Nick the swashbuckler. Nick the what?
15:48Nick the squashbuckler. Swashbuckler.
15:51Squashbuckler. Swash.
15:54Are we going down this road again?
15:56Against Navi, the unrelenting warrior.
15:58A warrior? They're playing fucking chess.
16:01Nick and Navi, you've got 15 minutes each.
16:04I like a game that takes 15 minutes.
16:06Wait, no, they've got 15 minutes each, so that's half an hour.
16:10Is this going to be on for half an hour?
16:12Your time starts now.
16:14And they're off.
16:15Nick's moving quickly to pressurise Navi.
16:18Oh, he's a bit of a speed merchant, don't Nick.
16:21Nick was straight in there wanting no messing about.
16:27Nick moves his bishop out. Oh, he's checked, Mary.
16:30Nick ain't playing about, he's really aggressive.
16:33And that gives him the first check of the match.
16:35Have you even got any clue what's going on?
16:37No, my brain's caught on wool right now.
16:39I don't get it, I don't get chess. You're too dumb for it.
16:43I don't make a move, I make a move instant.
16:45They make another move, I make another move instant.
16:47Before you know it... Before you know it, I've lost.
16:50I've managed to check, mate, myself somewhere.
16:53I've lost all my bits.
16:58Great move.
16:59He's started to attack now, Navi, isn't he?
17:02Yeah, he's started to attack.
17:04He's started to attack.
17:06He's started to attack.
17:08He's started to attack.
17:10He's started to attack now, Navi, isn't he? Yeah.
17:13Navi's now like, right, let me show you what I'm about.
17:16This white king is sitting on an open line,
17:18the black rook is going to stare down at it.
17:20Ooh, now, Nick, what are you going to do?
17:22Yeah, I was going to say, that rook coming down, that's Pete.
17:25Look at the teamwork, bishop lining up, knight lining up, rook lining up.
17:31You don't have a clue what they're talking about.
17:34No.
17:36Honestly, not a sausage.
17:38With that white king,
17:40it looks like it's not going to survive much longer.
17:42Yeah, Navi's got to be...
17:44I think Nick's playing has backfired, won't he?
17:48It's checkmate in one...
17:50If Navi finds it...
17:51Oh, Navi's going to pounce now.
17:53Is it going to be checkmate?
17:55This is it, he's only got one move going.
18:01Nick's not even noticed, has he,
18:03that Navi's going to be able to go straight through
18:05for the whole checkmata.
18:08There we go.
18:09Oh, he's done it! Yeah!
18:11Oh!
18:12Oh, shit, boom, done it, checkmate.
18:14Fucking hell, I never think I'd ever get excited
18:16about a game of basketball.
18:18What's up with you?
18:20It's checkmate.
18:24Oh, God, man, I'm sweating watching chess.
18:26Yeah, I know.
18:28That's good, isn't it?
18:29Would you go back to playing chess?
18:31Yeah, I think it's the sort of sport that suits me.
18:34Honestly, though, you know if you had a go at it...
18:36No, I don't.
18:38I know everybody... I know, love.
18:40I've played drafts, I board me shitless.
18:46In Leeds...
18:47Do you want one of these that I've made?
18:49I've made my own dark chocolate rice cakes.
18:52Right.
18:54Do you know, I prefer milk chocolate biscuits.
18:57..sisters Ellie and Izzy.
19:00This is the driest thing I've ever eaten.
19:03I just love them.
19:07I don't like dark chocolate.
19:09I actually made these for an event that I went to the other week,
19:12but no-one wanted them.
19:14Yeah, so I brought a mug. What a shock.
19:18On Monday night, E4 was taking more strangers up the aisle.
19:22I love this, but do you know what?
19:24I couldn't marry an Australian.
19:26That accent would grate on me, I'm afraid.
19:29Don't worry about the fact you're married to me, though, either.
19:33Here comes the bride
19:3540 inches wide
19:37Slipped on a banana skin
19:39Bumped her head and died
19:41That sounds more like my wedding.
19:43I wish my arse were 40 inches wide.
19:49Well, this programme was surprisingly stimulating last time,
19:53wasn't it? It was surprisingly stimulating.
19:55My name's Jackie, I'm 29, I live in Sydney and I'm a consultant.
19:59Oh, really? Of what?
20:01I think most guys first date me because I'm hot.
20:04And humble. Oh, that's all right. Me too. That's good.
20:07I suppose, Jackie, if you can't love anybody,
20:09you've got to love yourself, so go on, girl.
20:12I've read probably over 2,000 books.
20:14Every single business book there is on the planet, I've probably read it.
20:17I don't mind an intelligent person that reads loads of books,
20:20don't mind it, don't need to tell me about it.
20:22I got Wim Hof, Martin Kent and Mary Berry.
20:26Mary Berry, I've never read her.
20:29I like guys who hold a lot of power.
20:32Oh, there we go. We've got a sword handler.
20:35Where have all the warriors gone? Why is he looking for warriors?
20:38I have a warrior's mentality.
20:40But you're a project manager.
20:42When I first walk into a room, my presence is something special
20:47and clearly something that people gravitate towards.
20:50Wow. Oh, do you know what? He's just giving bell-ends to me.
20:54You know, because I keep myself in really good shape.
20:57Do you know what's ringing the alarm bells here for me
21:00is the fact that his neck... So thick.
21:02..merges into his head without any clear differentiation.
21:06Who else out there can show intelligence
21:10and also be as good-looking as I want them to be?
21:15It's almost unfair to ask that.
21:17It's unfair?! Oh! Oh, my God.
21:21It's all about looks, you know.
21:23Oh, I don't know her. I've got high hopes, Jane.
21:25Ryan and Jackie love themselves so much,
21:27they could end up loving each other. Could do.
21:30My priority is finding someone
21:32who understands what it means to be great.
21:34So I'm hoping the guy is nice and tall,
21:37very successful and blonde.
21:40Oh, blonde? Did she say blonde? Yes.
21:44How very specific.
21:46Oh!
21:49Ooh!
21:52LAUGHTER
21:54They're smiling at each other. They should be, yeah.
21:57Such a build-up.
21:59I now get to see that person imagining, you know?
22:02Yeah.
22:04Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Hang on.
22:06Oh, God, and she even looks disappointed.
22:08I could tell just by looking in her eyes.
22:10I felt so much genuine desire to be here.
22:13Wrong. Is he all right? Oh, my God.
22:16As my friends would say, you hit the jackpot.
22:18LAUGHTER
22:22I didn't find that funny.
22:24You'll be required to take me on dates.
22:26Give me your jacket when I'm cold.
22:28Definitely.
22:29Can I just lay the law down already?
22:31Give me your jacket when... Just bring your own jacket.
22:34Do you know that is one thing you have always done from day one?
22:38If it's cold, yeah, I do, really, do you want my jacket?
22:41I always tell you to bring your jacket, but you don't, do you?
22:43Buy me flowers at least once a month.
22:45Bring me coffee in the morning. Tell me I'm gorgeous.
22:48Come on. She'd get right up my trumpet, she would.
22:51Buy me towels. Adopt a cocker spaniel puppy.
22:54Oh, my God, she's still going.
22:56Fuck, what's that? There's another wedding that I have for, love.
22:59Well done. That was amazing. Thank you.
23:01No, it wasn't Ryan.
23:02Ryan is up for this task, Jane.
23:04He's not shirking. He's not, is he?
23:06He's hit the jackpot, Jackie.
23:10Look in towards me, guys, thank you.
23:12Storms are brewing. Storms are brewing.
23:15Are you cold? No.
23:18No, I've got a jacket on.
23:20Give her your coat, cos she said in her vows,
23:22you need to give me your coat when I'm cold.
23:24Maybe I can wear your coat. Oh, she's had to ask for it.
23:27I hate seeing a woman cold. I do.
23:30Take it off then.
23:32She's freezing, her lips are going blue.
23:34I can't wait to just sit down and just talk.
23:36You can give me your coat if you want to.
23:38Oh, just give her the fucking coat.
23:40Can I give her my coat? Cool. If you want.
23:43Why did he have to ask? I know.
23:45I had a cameraman.
23:47Cool. Yeah, let's do it.
23:51A bit later, Ryan and Jackie took to the floor for their first dance.
23:55I'm going to dip here, ready?
23:57OK, in what way? Left.
23:59You're going to have to catch me, though. Oh, no.
24:01SHE SCREAMS
24:03Oh, oh, oh!
24:07You dropped it. Oh, for fuck's sake.
24:09Shitting hell. I'm a fucking warrior.
24:11Ryan, you're not meant to throw your bride on the ground.
24:14Oh, my God!
24:16I love watching people fall over.
24:19Is she going to see the funny side, Jackie?
24:22Are you OK? Yeah, yeah, I'm OK. Yeah, yeah.
24:25Do you need to see the funny side?
24:28We're discussing what's potentially winning that part out.
24:31What? Oh, he wants to leave that part out of the filming.
24:35The highlight of all of our days is watching you drop your wife, mate.
24:38If anything's going to make the cut, it's that.
24:42I'm not thinking of myself, I'm thinking of her.
24:44He's thinking of them. Oh!
24:47He's all for himself, he don't want to look a twat to his mates.
24:51How strong he is.
24:52Hi. Hi.
24:54I feel a bit unwell, to be honest.
24:56Oh, Ryan's feeling poorly.
24:58I think it's his warrior ego.
25:00I don't want those reactions to be a subject of national ridicule.
25:04International ridicule.
25:06I'll be the first groom in the history of this show to drop them.
25:10HE LAUGHS
25:15Oh, my God, just when I thought maths couldn't get any better.
25:18Remember when I smashed her on the face
25:20and doing the slut drop dancing on that bar in Harley Davidson
25:23in Puerto Rico? Yeah, yeah, totally.
25:25I was like Jackie Stallone.
25:27HE MUMBLES
25:29And that's all you'll do, is fucking laugh!
25:32That was the night I got stuck in the postman's back car.
25:36HE LAUGHS
25:39MUSIC
25:47In Manchester...
25:48I've seen what we've been doing with Bob there.
25:50We've been doing the invisible ball trick.
25:52Bob there, doing the invisible ball, you ready?
25:54The Malones. You ready, Bob?
25:56He's getting ready to pounce, go on.
25:58One, two...
26:00HE GRUNTS
26:02What, you're looking funny!
26:04Where's he gone, Bob?
26:06Where's he gone?
26:08Come back!
26:10On Sunday night, we got the five-star treatment
26:14as we checked in to the four seasons on Channel 5.
26:17We do guest houses and Airbnbs and stuff, or a caravan.
26:21Oh, yeah, you can't beat a caravan. We love a caravan, you can't beat it.
26:24Iron Idol premiering.
26:26I've seen it, I've seen it.
26:28You've been in the... You've been...
26:30No, you haven't. Don't lie, don't be trying to down-thingy yourself.
26:33No, but I don't see in a lot of... You've been to the Ritz.
26:37I've been to it, I didn't go in.
26:39HE LAUGHS
26:40From the Scottish Highlands to the South Coast,
26:44the UK is proud to boast 116 five-star hotels.
26:49Oh, is that where we've been? We've stayed there.
26:51Our travel lodge is near the old TGI Fridays, that's a good'un, you know.
26:55Yeah, but it's not a five-star, darling.
26:57Welcome to Four Seasons London.
27:00You can tell that it's in London, this, because up north,
27:02there's just one season, it's called winter.
27:04You've stopped in the Shangri-La?
27:06I have stopped in the Shangri-La.
27:08Oh, it was stunning. Nicest sausage I've ever had at the Shangri-La.
27:12Now entering its 55th year, the hotel welcomes thousands of guests.
27:17Let's have a look over the other half, Liz.
27:19Can you imagine? You might be lucky if you took me there.
27:22SHE LAUGHS
27:26Wow.
27:28That is unbelievable.
27:30So, for a superior king room, it's £1,000 for a night.
27:36I could probably afford ten minutes in there, just have a quick look round.
27:40Stick your head in.
27:42In the programme, we got to see behind the scenes
27:44at the hotel's Michelin-starred restaurant, Pavillon.
27:48It's the passion of chefs like Benjamin that attract ardent admirers.
27:52How are you?
27:54Like gastronomic enthusiast, Mary.
27:56Gastronomic enthusi... AK, she's a foosie.
27:59Oh, aren't we all?
28:01I wonder if they class you as a gastronomic enthusiast.
28:04Or me. Huh? Or just a picky bastard.
28:07This Pavillon superfan has eaten at the restaurant 149 times.
28:12The only place I've been 149 times is Carver's Fish Shop in town.
28:16Do you know something? I've probably done more than that.
28:18Yeah, have you? I love Carver's Fish Shop.
28:20You get a £6 carvery if you're a good customer at Toby.
28:23Do you? Yeah, and that's on loyalty fee.
28:26I like what I like and I don't like what I don't like.
28:28I like that. But we're all like that. I know.
28:31I wonder if they're going to create a special dish for Mary's 150th visit.
28:35They've got to do.
28:36Chef Benjamin has prepared a bespoke six-course meal,
28:39including some of her favourite ingredients.
28:42So that's like when I ask for my cheeseburger without gherkins.
28:45Yeah, sure.
28:46But I wonder if you could, like, ask for chicken and chips
28:49or fish and chips, eh?
28:51You going to ask people like that to knock you up chicken and chips?
28:55Before the meal, an amuse-bouche of lobster Thermidor tart
28:59with pink leeks and mustard bechamel.
29:01Oh, now, then!
29:05Hello.
29:06Do you like your bouche, amuse?
29:08Do I.
29:10The starter is poached langoustine
29:13with shiso mayonnaise and sesame dressing.
29:16Just one? I know, exactly.
29:18I'd want the fucking, you know, set of six.
29:20Next on the counter is marinated sea bass
29:23with spinach and a smoked parmesan foam.
29:26Ain't there no meat in it?
29:27She must like fish.
29:28Yeah, she's a piscatarian.
29:29A what?
29:30Piscatarian, I think they call them.
29:32Does she ever eat anything with four legs, her?
29:34Fucking hell!
29:36I do like sea bass.
29:38No dinner date is complete without a final sweet gesture.
29:42Getting a little message on a chocolate plate is going to be lovely.
29:46150 times. Crazy, right?
29:48Congratulations on your 150th visit.
29:51Written in biro on the back of a fag packet.
29:54What a lovely message.
29:55150th visit and they give her fun-sized Mars bars.
29:59I mean, the thing is, that's not your sort of cup of tea, is it?
30:02No. I'd have to go somewhere else.
30:05Well, if you went to, like, with the spoons,
30:09I'm making chips right up your street, Cheryl.
30:12I know, but I'm off eggs now.
30:15MUSIC PLAYS
30:17In Kent...
30:18How would you describe yourself? I'm dyslexic and sexy.
30:21Is that your profile? On Tinder.
30:23No, no, my Tinder... I'm dyslexic and sexy.
30:25My Tinder at the moment is just a cabbage that says jorking it.
30:28..Michael, Sally and their sons, Jake and Harry.
30:32That says what? Jorking it.
30:34Jorking it? Yeah.
30:35What does that mean?
30:36Nothing. Nothing.
30:38Sorry.
30:39And how many replies have you had to your cabbage jorking?
30:42I've got five matches, I think, whilst on my chicks.
30:45You've got five matches? Yeah.
30:48And you're a cabbage. I'm a cabbage. Yeah.
30:50What fruit or veg have you been paired with?
30:53Well, we've got carrots so far.
30:55Aubergines.
30:56Oh!
30:57Very good.
30:58On Sunday night, Tom Hanks was making animals great again on BBC One.
31:03Do you know what? I will take a nature programme over most things.
31:07I have a friendly fox that walks around here.
31:09Do you feed it? No, I don't.
31:12That's why they get friendly, isn't it?
31:14It'll come in the house if you leave the front door open.
31:17Hmm.
31:19Not a silver fox.
31:21I'd leave the front door open then.
31:24This time on The Americans.
31:27Which bit of America are we in this week?
31:32Mexico.
31:33Did you know I can name every country in America that isn't an island?
31:37That is an island? That isn't an island.
31:39Everything's an island. Can we do that afterwards?
31:41Yeah, sure. Excellent.
31:42This map is immediately wrong.
31:44The Gulf of Mexico, I think not.
31:46It's the Gulf of America now.
31:48Exactly.
31:50Keep up, Tom.
31:51Each year, thousands of seabirds find their way here.
31:55We don't have to go to Mexico to see all them bleeding things.
31:58Just come to my house.
32:00In search of romance.
32:04Oh!
32:05It's bonking season, isn't it?
32:07Including the best-named bird in all of Mexico.
32:11Oh, look, it's got your fingerless gloves on, Mum.
32:14Oh, it's got little blue mitts.
32:17The blue-footed booby.
32:20The blue-footed booby.
32:23The fellow who discovered it, he thought,
32:26could call it the blue tit, but, oop, that's taken.
32:29Can't think of anything new, let's just call it the blue booby.
32:32And this man is in a long-term relationship.
32:37Oh, they do long-term relationships?
32:39Shut up, do they mate for life?
32:43Their bond is all based around one thing.
32:46What?
32:47You guessed it.
32:49Those bright blue feet.
32:51I tell you, if you've got it, flaunt it.
32:53Pharaoh and bull ought to have a colour, a blue colour, Nutty,
32:56booby blue.
32:57Yeah.
32:58Thanks to the pigment in his fishy diet,
33:01he already has a knock-out pair.
33:04What a lovely pair you've got, booby.
33:06But to keep them this way...
33:08What does he have to do?
33:10..it's time for him to go fishing.
33:13I'd do that for you.
33:14Would you? Yeah.
33:15Would you get your feet looking more blue?
33:17Yeah, if that's what's in it for you, babe.
33:19Just shut the fuck up.
33:24Once they bond with each other,
33:26booby pairs are normally set for life.
33:30What does he mean, normally?
33:32But not all boobies play by the rules.
33:36Uh-oh.
33:37Oh, slapper.
33:42A quick two-step from someone else catches her eye.
33:47Look, it is big blue feet.
33:49With a honk of interest...
33:55..her head's been turned.
33:57Oh, she likes it.
33:59Oh, she likes what she sees.
34:02Didn't take much, did it? No.
34:04She's a sneaker.
34:06But now there's going to be trouble.
34:08Oh, big boy's back.
34:10It's going to be beef, now, isn't it?
34:15Oh, look, he's all kicking off now.
34:19He's really going for it.
34:21He's beaks at dawn.
34:25Look at that, she's caused all the trouble.
34:27Yes, and she's just stood there watching.
34:31That showed him...
34:33Yeah, go on, book her.
34:35Now you need to bin her off.
34:37The last time I go fucking fishing.
34:40Yeah.
34:41But on this island...
34:44..temptation is never far away.
34:48Flipping heck, she's at it again.
34:51Look, roving that eye, roving.
34:54If I had big blue feet, I'd be walking on that island again.
34:58Aye, I'm packing, don't worry.
35:02Don't worry about it.
35:04Oh, God.
35:14I kept getting emails.
35:16You were overdoing your eye test.
35:18I didn't know you've ever had an eye test.
35:20I've had one in my life.
35:22Best friends, Abi and Georgia.
35:24So, anyway, done the eye test, and I could actually read.
35:28You know how you read the wall?
35:30Let us guess, you could read the bottom line.
35:32Yes.
35:33Are you joking? Yeah, I could.
35:35I don't know if I could read it with my contact lenses in.
35:38I could read the bottom line.
35:40I originally went right as well,
35:42because I said to the man as well, I was very honest,
35:45I said, look, I don't know if I've got tired eyes
35:48or if I'm just getting bored,
35:50but I'm getting very sleepy throughout the day.
35:54Turns out I'm obviously just getting a bit bored.
35:57On Monday, it was Kat and Ben kicking off the week
36:00in the usual way on ITV.
36:03I've got you on.
36:05Thank you. How much jam have you got on that?
36:07Eh? There's too much jam on there.
36:09Well, Ben, it'll have some jam on it.
36:12Oh, it does, it looks like fucking jelly.
36:14This morning...
36:16Is it bad?
36:18Bad?
36:19Oh, it never goes away, does it?
36:22Fudge, no! Ah!
36:24Fudge! Get down!
36:26She's a bugger for toast.
36:28Now, we've been telling you all morning
36:30that you've been doing your laundry all wrong.
36:32You want to take a few tips from this too?
36:34Why?
36:35What I tend to do with my eye washing is I wash it, I dry it,
36:38then I leave it in a basket for five to seven working days
36:41before I finally have enough to climb a mountain
36:43and then I consider putting it away.
36:45So Lindsay Crombie is here to finally put a side to our misery.
36:49Lindsay looks happy to be doing the washing, doesn't she?
36:52What are you helping with today, Lindsay?
36:54Helping or meddling.
36:55Meddling.
36:56So I've got some, like, tips and tricks here
36:58just to try and make it a bit easier.
37:00Come on, Lindsay, teach me.
37:02You know what? I'm going back to bed.
37:04No, you need to watch this.
37:06So I think we need to start with the pods.
37:08The pods. Do you use them?
37:10Yes, I do.
37:11I don't buy them.
37:12I don't buy pods.
37:14Do you know what I do? I'm a double podder.
37:16You're not. I double pod.
37:18But we're paying for them fucking pods!
37:20Where do you put the pod?
37:21Do you put it in before the laundry goes in or after the laundry?
37:24It's got to go in before the laundry.
37:26Before. I put the pod in before.
37:28Yeah, I put them in on top of the clothes.
37:30You put it in first and then you put the laundry on top,
37:32that way it's going to dissolve.
37:34Well, I've never had a problem with my laundry,
37:36it's always worked perfectly fine.
37:38Lindsay's telling you now, isn't she?
37:40That won't make any difference.
37:41It won't make any difference, Mary, because it's all going to...
37:43Do you know what that expression?
37:45It all comes out in the wash.
37:47People have been putting them in the drawer
37:49and I would always say, don't put it in the drawer.
37:51Put it in the drawer! Put it in the drawer!
37:54What kind of psychopath's been doing that?
37:56I'll empty the tumble dryer
37:57and you'll see it's congealed around the phone.
37:59Oh, OK, because it hasn't had a chance to dissolve.
38:01You don't want things stuff congealed around your rim, dearly, really.
38:05This is such a boring adult conversation,
38:09but they're all excited about it.
38:11Their app is popping off. It is.
38:13They love it.
38:14Right, sequin dresses, tops, how would you wash these, Kat?
38:17Inside out, in a laundry bag.
38:19You'd have to put them in a bag,
38:21because I'll come a cropper like that.
38:23How do you wash your sequin dresses and tops, George?
38:26Tan it inside out so the sequins don't sort of come off
38:29and then use, like, a laundry mesh bag.
38:31I'd like her to give us a hack, Mary,
38:33to stop our washing machine walking across the kitchen...
38:37I know. ..and stretching its pipes to its limits.
38:39I like it out where it is.
38:41Do you like it walking around,
38:43because it gives you another surface to put things on?
38:45Yeah.
38:46You can get these little bra, like, bikini mesh bags.
38:49I ain't got one of them. Have you all got one of them?
38:51What do I fucking need one of them for?
38:53Just like that. Easy peasy. Just makes life a bit easier.
38:55Just saves you time. Do you know what saves you time?
38:57Not washing your bras.
38:59I ain't going to buy you one of them. You're not.
39:01I bloody am.
39:02Well, Nat could have done with one of them
39:04when he washed my bra and he's fucked it.
39:06When he buggered your bra. Yeah.
39:07Right, jeans. Yes.
39:08Wash them inside out, do the zips up, add some salt.
39:11Add some salt? I'm interested in salt.
39:13Real salt?
39:14You put your jeans in the washer... Yeah.
39:16..and then you put the salt in. Stops it running.
39:19Why's it running? Stops the colour coming out.
39:22It helps keep the colour in, stops the colour again from running.
39:25Right.
39:28Why am I watching this when I could have just asked you all this...
39:31I know. ..shit crap? I know.
39:33This is because I was an hygiene technician.
39:35You was a fucking cleaner. I know.
39:38In Wiltshire...
39:40Guess who I saw at the station, Mary? Who?
39:43You'd never believe it.
39:44I was going to pull up and say,
39:46Hello, Nigel, need a lift?
39:48..Giles and his wife, Mary.
39:50Nigel Farage?
39:52Havers. Havers.
39:54Not Farage, Nutty.
39:56Nigel Havers was standing there waiting for someone to pick him up
40:00and I wanted to make friends with him.
40:03I sort of feel as though I know him.
40:05Well, we all feel as though we know him.
40:07I don't think I've met him.
40:09My father met Lulu once at a party.
40:11And he said...
40:13And he was convinced that he'd met her.
40:15It's because he'd seen her on television.
40:17Oh, he did actually meet her, but he thought he knew her.
40:20That's it, yeah.
40:22So I was going to say,
40:24Hello, Nigel, I feel I know you already
40:27because of your extensive television work.
40:30On Monday night,
40:32there was a brand-new thriller about a creepy nanny on Channel 5.
40:36Do you remember our old next-door neighbours
40:38that Mam's used to have an au pair?
40:40And the sacticus she ate could have in a bedroom.
40:45Provence, France.
40:47Provence, France. Provence.
40:49That's how they pronounce it, I believe.
40:52OK.
40:54Oh, subtitles. Cool.
40:58Oh. What's the folder?
41:03There's a lot to take in. What's she got on her?
41:06This all sounds very serious.
41:10You have a right to know.
41:12Are you going to read every fucking subtitle?
41:18If I could afford it, I'd probably like to have an au pair.
41:22I think you'd have a very different stance
41:25on what kind of au pair that you'd have, though.
41:28Oh, aye.
41:30One that's like a Latvian short putter or something.
41:33Yeah.
41:35What she doesn't realise is that's what I'm into.
41:43The Cotswolds. Here we are.
41:45Come on, Sian. Your perfect opportunity.
41:47Go on, say it.
41:49Tory. Yeah.
41:51I'll give you a call when it's done.
41:53Hi, Susanna. Oh, hi, Zoe.
41:55She's trying to keep it very incognito, isn't she?
41:57Might be a celebrity. You know what it's like around the Cotswolds.
41:59It's probably Amanda Holden.
42:01How's the search for the au pair going?
42:03Bet they all have au pairs in the Cotswolds.
42:05Terribly. Thankfully.
42:07Chris thinks we need one, but...
42:09Only one person's taking the number.
42:11I'm not so sure.
42:13Oh, she nearly knocked into her then.
42:16Cos she was not extra.
42:21What's she grinning for?
42:24She's obviously quite stupid.
42:26No, she's not, Mary.
42:28Why would you be grinning?
42:30It is possible just to be happy.
42:32A bit later, Zoe got a strange phone call,
42:35telling her her stepson had had an accident.
42:38Oh, my God, Noah.
42:40My brakes went.
42:42That's the girl with the eyeliner and feet from the coffee shop.
42:45That's the girl from France.
42:49I don't want to go to school.
42:51It's too sore.
42:53Are you kidding, Noah?
42:55Do you have to go to school and show off your battle scar?
42:58What's she doing here?
43:00She's the girl with the folder.
43:02She's obviously up to something.
43:04I can't thank you enough.
43:06Excuse me.
43:08It's always busy, isn't it?
43:10Hi, Chris.
43:11Zoe, your Dad's help alarm has been triggered.
43:13Noah, Dad needs help.
43:15Oh, my God.
43:16You had one of those days where everything went wrong last week,
43:19didn't you, Mary?
43:20Caustic chaos.
43:21And then you blocked the sink upstairs.
43:23Zoe, I'm on my way.
43:24Oh, it's been caught.
43:26The brakes have been caught.
43:27That just hasn't snapped.
43:29No, no.
43:30Sorry.
43:32Someone's fucking with this woman.
43:34Yeah, I think it's her.
43:39Look at her face.
43:41The music.
43:47Bit of French rap.
43:49Nice.
43:54It's one of those boards when you get obsessed with people.
43:59Oh, gosh.
44:00What's she doing here?
44:04Oh, that was her.
44:06That was Ellie.
44:12She's got a mood board.
44:14So it was her who made a board?
44:16Yeah.
44:17The man, a mood board.
44:18But why is she doing any of this?
44:20I don't know.
44:21She's wanting to be the au pair.
44:22This is a really funny way of going about it.
44:24Yeah, I'd have probably just applied personally.
44:27Having got the job as Zoe's au pair...
44:30You two know each other?
44:31Yes.
44:32This is the lovely girl I told you about.
44:34The one who helped Noah.
44:35Well, what a coincidence.
44:37..and poisoning David Suchet.
44:42Oh, he's gone.
44:43Oh, God.
44:44Oh, shit.
44:45He's cockled over there on his ankle.
44:47The mysterious French lady turned her attentions to Zoe.
44:52Oh! Oh!
44:53Fucking hell.
44:55Here you go.
44:57Thanks.
44:58She's poisoning her as well.
45:00I think that wine will take the edge off things.
45:05Right, she is absolutely not leaving a bloody drop in there, is she?
45:14Oh!
45:15No!
45:18SHE SPEAKS FRENCH
45:21Why? What did they do to you?
45:23I don't get what Zoe and her family have done so wrong.
45:25I know.
45:26I mean, I know the French hate us, but what have we done?
45:34God, something's happened.
45:35What's she going to do?
45:36No, she's not going to shove her head under the water.
45:41SHE GASPS
45:42Oh, she is!
45:43Oh, bloody hell.
45:45What's she going to do?
45:46Well, she's not going to do a fucking breaststroke, is she?
45:50God, she's really enjoying it, isn't she?
45:52Oh, she's a cold killer.
45:54Oh, my God.
45:58Oh, she's done it.
46:00She killed her.
46:02Oh, my God.
46:04Well, she locked her.
46:07Oh!
46:08What?!
46:09Do you want me to run you a nice bath,
46:11and pour you a glass of rosé or something?
46:13Do you know what this is giving me vibes of?
46:15Like a Poundland killing Eve.
46:17Yes.
46:18Jodie Comer, if you order her from Wish.
46:20Yeah.
46:21Instead of Villanelle, it's Bloody Hell.
46:25Well, 228 Sunday, Chris and Ramsay are in more of a chocolatey,
46:29culinary fever dream kind of bath.
46:31New celeb bake-off for stand-up to cancer starts.
46:34And right after, at nine o'clock Sunday,
46:36rice and beans are the cause for the mother of all meltdowns in Malaysia.
46:39There's 300 grand up for grabs
46:41and Paddy McGuinness' tempting fortune trek.
46:43Next tonight, we're live at the Last Leg.