Gogglebox Season 25 Episode 3
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FunTranscript
00:00Let me just give you a lesson in how to use a mop.
00:04So you liberally slosh the floor,
00:08then you do a figure of eight.
00:10It's the figure of eight movement, Mary, look.
00:13See the figure of eight? That's what does it.
00:16What's wrong with to and fro?
00:18To and fro isn't good enough.
00:20That's it, Bob's your uncle.
00:25Oh, that's me, YOLO.
00:27You always get one, don't you?
00:29What's going on here?
00:30Nobody wants the bum all terrorised.
00:32Right, I'm not watching any more.
00:34Who shot him?
00:35Him!
00:36Yoo-hoo!
00:37Yes, yes, yes!
00:39Oh, no!
00:40I like it already.
00:41Is that a bomb? What is it?
00:43Oh, my!
00:44Oh, no!
00:45Oh, it's bleeding.
00:47Oh, I'm getting all goosey.
00:49Well, what exciting times we live in.
00:51In the week we bid a fond farewell
00:53to going-for-gold presenter Henry Kelly,
00:56we enjoyed lots of great telly.
00:59BGT was back on the road on ITV.
01:02Britain's Got Talent auditions start today!
01:09Look at this black pool. I know where that is.
01:12It's down the side of a theatre.
01:14That bell box that's up there for the alarm, I fitted that.
01:18Well done, Pedro, you made it on the telly.
01:21Made it on telly?
01:23With BGT?
01:26There was only one thing on Claudia's mind on Channel 4.
01:30The record gold scorer for the England women's football team.
01:34Ellen White.
01:35Ellen White, yeah.
01:36By the way, I'm just saying this early,
01:38I like the tone, I like the calm, I like...
01:40You're self-assured.
01:42Oh, my God, that would not be us, would it?
01:44Wait, I don't know this!
01:46Oh, my God, the money, do you know it?
01:48I can't believe it's sports.
01:49Oh, my God, it's about sports.
01:51Words will be freaking out, literally.
01:54And it was a familiar tune from our favourite street on ITV1.
02:04Bob doesn't like these cats.
02:06Wait.
02:07Oh!
02:08There's a cat, there's a cat!
02:10Go on, Bob, what's next, Bob?
02:12He doesn't like the pigeon.
02:14Come on, Bobby!
02:16He knows he's coming!
02:24In Leeds...
02:25Yeah, so Nat, for this wedding, has got brand-new everything.
02:28Three-piece suit.
02:30Sisters Ellie and Izzy.
02:32But do you know what he hasn't got?
02:33What?
02:34New boxes.
02:35You could send him to the shop in the morning to get some.
02:38True, actually, I could.
02:39You could.
02:40He's got time in the morning to go to the Springs and get some pants.
02:44Yeah, but where will he get some pants from?
02:46TK Maxx?
02:47Yeah, shall I text him, saying,
02:48you need to get some new boxes for tomorrow?
02:50I don't want new, any scraggy baggies.
02:53Who's going to see Nat's scraggy baggies?
02:55Only you.
02:56Me, exactly.
02:57And I don't want to see scraggy baggies.
02:59On Saturday night, Michael McIntyre was here for our pleasure on BBC One.
03:05What are you looking at me like that for?
03:07Where's mine?
03:08You can't have any, Jenny.
03:09Oh, no.
03:10Antibiotics, love.
03:12That's why it's nearly full.
03:13I know, you've had my share and all, haven't you?
03:15Yeah.
03:21My sister came up with a word to describe this programme.
03:24What is it?
03:25Tawdry.
03:26Tawdry?
03:27And I had to look it up.
03:28You didn't?
03:29Yes, I'd forgotten what tawdry meant.
03:31And?
03:32Because I had an aunt called Audrey, and I got mixed up in my head, in my files.
03:36In the programme, Michael had a fun game up his sleeve.
03:41Oh, remember me.
03:43I love this, I love it.
03:45You've got to remember people from your past.
03:47You can't remember people you met yesterday.
03:49No, I can't remember people I met yesterday.
03:51Let's welcome...
03:54..it's Holly Willoughby!
03:56Oh!
03:57Oh, it's a Holly!
03:59Oh, my God.
04:00I'll join you on the way.
04:01Oh, thank you.
04:02You're looking amazing.
04:04She's having a resurgence in Holly Willoughby.
04:06She looks nervous already.
04:07I'm not surprised, wouldn't you?
04:08Random people from your past coming up.
04:10Anybody could pop up from underneath this stage.
04:13Who is it going to be?
04:14Oh, this could be embarrassing, this, could it?
04:16Yeah.
04:17Remember me, and then they bring out Philip Schofield.
04:20LAUGHTER
04:22Where do I know him from?
04:24Let's bring up your first blast from the past!
04:28Oh, please be an ex-boyfriend.
04:30Please be an ex-boyfriend.
04:32Please be an ex-boyfriend.
04:37Holly's first boyfriend!
04:39Wee!
04:40Ex-boyfriend.
04:41I tell you what, he's a bit of aura.
04:43I didn't see Oliver.
04:44Can we get a picture up of her current husband,
04:46so we can compare?
04:47Hi, Holly.
04:48Hi!
04:49Remember me?
04:50Oh, she's making noise.
04:52Oh, she does!
04:54Oh, look at her.
04:55She didn't need any clues.
04:57This is a lovely man called Oliver O'Byrne,
04:59who, when he was a boy, was my first boyfriend.
05:02Hey, I won't mind Oliver coming up that lift as my first boyfriend.
05:06Do you know who I think he's got a look of?
05:08Ben Shepard.
05:09Yeah.
05:10Do you know how it ended?
05:13I don't really remember.
05:14I think you dumped me, Holly.
05:16Did I?
05:17SHE GASPS
05:18She dumped him!
05:19How could you dump him?
05:20Holly dumped him.
05:21I think you dumped me, Holly.
05:22That means you definitely dumped me and I'm still traumatised.
05:25Does he have any memorabilia or keepsakes?
05:29Oh, he's got to have something, hasn't he?
05:31He's got to have something.
05:32Oh, God!
05:33It's funny you ask that.
05:34SHE GASPS
05:35Oh, my God, what is that?
05:37What's he pulled out of his pocket?
05:39It's a letter from you, Holly, to me.
05:41Read it out loud! Read it out loud! Read it out loud!
05:45This is incriminating. Let's listen.
05:47Dear Oliver, how are you? Please send me a photo of...
05:51What's that say?
05:52Oh, where's this going?
05:54Wink.
05:55They've had to redact that bit out.
05:57I love you.
05:59Are you lovely?
06:00Oh, God, this is horrible!
06:02I mean, you would literally be cringing, wouldn't you?
06:05She's not coping well.
06:06Would you?
06:07She's about to combust, isn't she?
06:14What is that next bit?
06:16She doesn't want to read out the last bit, does she?
06:18And what about the photo of the naked lady Hannah was telling me about?
06:23What is that all about?
06:25I really didn't have many boyfriends in school
06:28because I honestly was ugly.
06:30You're not ugly, Abs.
06:31No, I'm not, and I am now.
06:33I've had a glow-up, but...
06:35It's Holly!
06:40Feel it.
06:41He's like that.
06:43Wow.
06:51Midwife who delivered Holly's daughter.
06:53Oh!
06:54That's a tricky one.
06:56How is she going to remember her?
07:00OK.
07:01Oh, I thought...
07:02There's not really a remembering face, or is there?
07:04Well, I don't know. I reckon it's a I think I might know face.
07:07Hi, Holly, do you remember me?
07:09Do you remember me?
07:11No.
07:12No, who are you?
07:15She doesn't know, does she? She doesn't know.
07:17Come on, Holly.
07:18Oh, the cogs are going.
07:19They are.
07:20I'm thinking that we might have met each other...
07:24..13 years ago.
07:26She's choking up a bit here.
07:28And the reason why I'm saying 13 years ago
07:30is because that was the day my daughter Belle was born.
07:33Well done.
07:34She got that right.
07:35That was a relief, wasn't it, Natalie?
07:3713 years, that's a pretty good memory.
07:39It's quite a big day.
07:40I know, but you don't remember any of them.
07:42And this amazing, incredible woman is called Fredette.
07:47Oh, well, does she even know the name?
07:49Do you remember me? Yeah.
07:50But what's me last name?
07:52Well, you made that moment that was probably the most...
07:57God, it's really hard to spell it.
07:59She's right back there, isn't she?
08:01She is, isn't she?
08:02Oh, she's having a moment, Natalie.
08:04Have I ever had a moment?
08:05No.
08:06No.
08:07And you were the person that brought her into the world,
08:09so thank you.
08:10Thank you so much.
08:12Aw!
08:13I'm glad she remembered her.
08:15Does she go down and hug Fredette?
08:17I bet she wants to.
08:18Oh, here's hug.
08:25Oh, look.
08:26Coming in for a hug.
08:27Oh.
08:28Sweet.
08:29Look, Mary.
08:31It's got you choked up.
08:33Do you think that any of your teachers would remember you?
08:35Which teacher would remember you?
08:36Edgar would remember you.
08:37What did he call you?
08:38A disgrace to the Asian community.
08:40That's the best.
08:44In Wiltshire...
08:45So, a weird thing happened this morning, Mary.
08:48I was down in my man cave
08:50and I saw a very old woman
08:52and I could see her walking along the hedge miles away.
08:55..Giles and his wife, Mary.
08:57And then I went back in again
08:59and then I went back out again to look
09:01and she'd disappeared.
09:03And I think it might have been a case of alien abduction.
09:07Oh, for goodness sake.
09:09You've got to remember, Mary,
09:10that Wiltshire is the haunted Wessex,
09:13is the centre of UFO spottings for the whole of Britain.
09:17This is the centre.
09:19Crop circles.
09:20We've got crop circles, we've got UFOs.
09:22Stonehenge.
09:23And now I might have witnessed my first alien abduction,
09:27in which case I need to go out there with a torch
09:30and see if there's any scorch marks,
09:33roughly at the position where she was abducted about halfway.
09:36You see, I don't know if you're serious.
09:38You're just trying to annoy me.
09:40On Tuesday night, there were more petrified punters
09:43facing their fears on Channel 4.
09:45Which one of you keeps gluing my coaster to my mug?
09:48What the hell?
09:49I love seeing people get over their fears.
09:52I mean, look how many fears I've had in life
09:54and I've overcome them all.
09:56Yours were dramatised, like, Lord, you don't think?
09:59I know.
10:03What, so you think going through the time tunnel is dramatised?
10:07Absolutely.
10:08What are we going to get an irrational fear of today?
10:11My name is Paula, I have arachnophobia.
10:14Oh, spiders!
10:16Oh, don't... Oh!
10:18Get it off me! Get it off me! Get it off me!
10:21I was sitting on the edge of the bed, possibly three weeks ago,
10:25and one ran past my foot and I screamed
10:30and I was right pressed up against the headboard,
10:33probably for maybe a couple of hours.
10:35Do you know what, though? I'm like that with moths
10:38and I do get, like, where I'm back to the wall.
10:41She needs to try and enter the confrontation room,
10:44face the spider and not run away.
10:47Oh, I don't like the legs.
10:49OK, she feels the same, she feels the same.
10:51Look, she's doing exactly the same.
10:53If she can't enter the room and confront her fear,
10:56then the treatment won't work.
10:58Come on, Paula.
10:59Come on, Paula, you can do it.
11:01Go on, girl.
11:02So what do you think it's doing now?
11:04Looking at me.
11:05It is looking at you, Paula, it really is,
11:07and it's got about ten eyes.
11:09OK, try to look at it.
11:11I am.
11:12So how many legs doesn't help?
11:14Go on, too many.
11:15Eight!
11:18Try to move a little closer.
11:20Come on, Paula.
11:21Come on, come in.
11:22I'm in, I'm in.
11:23You're in.
11:24I'm in.
11:25She's in, she's in.
11:26Only just, but she's there.
11:28I'd say, look, don't worry about the spider that's on that box,
11:31worry about the one that's on your shoulder.
11:33Shall we ask Renee to move it?
11:35No.
11:36You're joking, aren't you?
11:38She's only just got a centimetre past the door, give her time.
11:41Why would you want to move it?
11:45Oh!
11:46Oh, God, this is going to charge now.
11:49SHE SCREAMS
11:51She's off, she's off.
11:52It's moving again.
11:53Yeah, it's cos it's kind of come towards me.
11:55She thinks the spider's got an agenda against her.
11:58Paula!
11:59Hello, Paula.
12:00Can you stand it?
12:02Yeah.
12:03OK.
12:04Well, let's go.
12:05We're done.
12:07OK, that's it for today.
12:09That's day one done.
12:13Day two.
12:14Come on, girl.
12:15Come on, Paula.
12:16Sorry, Paula, we've got some bad news, but the spider escaped.
12:20He's in here somewhere.
12:22Wow.
12:23Straight in today, no hesitation.
12:26Shall we approach it?
12:28Take another step?
12:31Yes, Paula!
12:32Hey, she's going to be in that big lunchbox with the spider
12:35before we know it.
12:36Look how close I am.
12:37Yeah.
12:38Look how bloody close you are.
12:39Well done, Paula.
12:40Take the lid off.
12:41Oh, shut up, you.
12:43So what we also have is a tarantula.
12:46Oh, no.
12:47Oh, God, no!
12:48Ooh!
12:49Tarantula.
12:50So we're moving on now, Paula, to the tarantula.
12:52Shall I ask to get Frederick out?
12:54Yeah, if I'm out there.
12:55Oh, Frederick.
12:56I see he's got a name!
12:58It's Freddie!
13:01OK, yep, yep.
13:04Oh, my God!
13:05Oh, fuck that!
13:07Jesus Christ!
13:09And you and I go stand in the doorway
13:11and look at Frederick wave.
13:13What does she mean, he's going to wave to her, is he?
13:16Yeah, they've trained Frederick to wave back.
13:19Shall we ask Renee to make a picture of Frederick and you like this?
13:23What? Take a picture?
13:24It's a fucking photo show.
13:26So smile and say, oh, I don't bother.
13:29God, this.
13:30God, this.
13:31Look at her in the doorway.
13:36I'm happy you're here.
13:37Thank you so much.
13:38Thanks to everybody.
13:39Is that it?
13:40OK, I'll see you in a minute.
13:42OK.
13:45Oh, yes!
13:48Spider in the lift!
13:59In Manchester...
14:00So, son, how was Benidorm?
14:02I'll tell you what.
14:03You know, last time I was there,
14:05I said I'd go up to the kebab shop and he'd just go,
14:07you want your usual?
14:08And it's got to the same situation again,
14:10where I go up and he's just like, do you want your usual?
14:12The Malones.
14:14I go, loads of garlic mayo, please.
14:16He goes, yes, yes, yes.
14:18And then he's right for it.
14:20Wax it all on there.
14:23Oh, I'm so excited.
14:25Manchester's full of kebabs.
14:27How was Benidorm?
14:28Oh, the kebabs to die for.
14:30Jesus, what do you like, mate?
14:32Benidorm!
14:33Benidorm!
14:34This week, there was more drama on the cobbles on ITV1.
14:38Oh, bit of Corrie.
14:40Best programme of the week.
14:42In your opinion.
14:44Which I'm entitled to.
14:45I do love it, don't I?
14:47You've turned your phone off.
14:48I bet you've turned your phone off now, haven't you?
14:50Yeah, I have.
14:51Cos I can't believe you only turn your phone off
14:53when Corrie's on Emmerdale.
14:54Nobody rings me.
14:55Nobody can get hold of you.
15:00Tell you what's been happening, Ellie.
15:02Kimballo's been getting poisoned.
15:05By who?
15:07Tyrone's mum.
15:09Cassie, a.k.a. Claire Sweeney.
15:11She's done everything, ain't she, now, Claire Sweeney,
15:13when she started in Brookside.
15:15Then good ship murder, now Corrie.
15:17You can't bloody change channels for Claire Sweeney, can you?
15:20From cruising to cobbles.
15:22So, what you up to today, Grandad?
15:24I thought I might peruse the bookshop on Tower Street.
15:27I've got the urge to squander a lot of money on new books.
15:31You don't want to do that, can it?
15:33She don't want him going out spending money,
15:35cos she's spending his money.
15:36She's been, like, drugging him and stuff, like, on the quiet,
15:39and using his credit cards for stuff.
15:41That's a bit nippy out there.
15:43I'm going to make you a nice herbal tea before I go.
15:45Oh, I bet.
15:46She's got to drug him, then, ain't she?
15:48Yeah, she does. She's at it all the time.
15:50Putting stuff in his bloody tea.
15:57It's a lot of it, whatever it is.
15:59What is it? What's she putting in his tea?
16:01We don't know.
16:02Can you imagine someone doing this to Gran?
16:04Oh, man, that's my life.
16:05My thing is, it would never happen to Gran.
16:07Never?
16:08Because she's so stingy, if her penny is missing from her bank account...
16:12She would know it!
16:13She would know.
16:15Empty-handed?
16:16Yes.
16:17You're getting a comic for Bertie and some chocolate for the crispy cakes.
16:21My card's been declined.
16:23You favourite old bitch.
16:25My card was declined.
16:26Oh!
16:27I told you, I tell you what, I should write the coronation script.
16:31What are you doing?
16:32Oh, Brian said to check on my online account.
16:35Check your account. Get on that laptop immediately.
16:37Go on, Ken, log in.
16:38Cassie knows she's going to get rumbled now, ain't she?
16:40You go back and pay, and I'll check the account.
16:43I want to see it with my own eyes.
16:45Exactly!
16:46Yes, he wants to see!
16:48I think he's starting to be suspicious now.
16:50I hope he is.
16:51I'm tired.
16:53You go.
16:54Yeah, you go, and then he can have a look at the account while you go on.
16:57Look, don't touch anything.
16:59I won't be long.
17:02If he opens his eyes now, he's on to her.
17:07Oh!
17:09Oh, you crafty sod!
17:11What was that?!
17:13Oh!
17:16Tea.
17:17Oh, more tea with more drugs.
17:19Don't drink the tea, Ken!
17:21Oh, I'll have one of Bertie's crispy cakes while you're out.
17:26She put the two cups down together.
17:28Yeah.
17:29And now she's set... Ken's set her back.
17:31Oh, is Ken going to swap the cup?
17:35Oh.
17:36Yeah!
17:37He is, he is!
17:38Go on, Ken, lad!
17:39Go on, Ken, lad!
17:41It's not quite set yet.
17:43SHE GASPS
17:45Oh, she knows.
17:46She knows by the mug.
17:47Oh, this is getting interesting.
17:50You'd expect this in, like, a Hollywood blockbuster.
17:57Drink up, Kelsey.
17:59Go on.
18:02Put it down.
18:03Oh!
18:04He's confronting her.
18:05Oh!
18:06It's more than just tea and that mug isn't around.
18:08Don't you dare deny it.
18:09SHE LAUGHS
18:11Yes, Ken!
18:13Go on, Ken!
18:15Pack up everything you left lying around,
18:17everything I didn't pay for, and go.
18:19Go on, get a hold, Ken.
18:21Sling your uke.
18:22I'll get another job, but I'll pay you back every penny.
18:25Hang on, Ken's grabbing his chest there.
18:27What's he touching his heart for? He's not going to have a heart attack.
18:30I hope not.
18:31Go!
18:33Calm down, Ken, we can't...
18:35I can't watch Ken have a heart attack.
18:37Ken's going to die.
18:39Ooh, hello.
18:40Oh, shit, Ken.
18:41Oh, he's having an heart attack, Sean!
18:43Oh, not our Ken!
18:45Oh, not our Ken!
18:47Oh, he's an icon.
18:50Dad?
18:51Yes!
18:52Oh, he's alive!
18:53Don't need to worry, we're all here.
18:55Listen to me.
18:56Listen to him?
18:57Yes, listen to Ken.
18:59Cassie.
19:01Cassie?
19:02Tracey's had her suspicions over Cassie.
19:04Daniel's had his suspicions over Cassie.
19:07They ought to put two and two together here and realise it was Cassie.
19:13Oi!
19:15You won't get far.
19:16Yes.
19:17Oh, here we go.
19:18What you wouldn't want is Tracey Barlow on your nuggets.
19:20No.
19:21Well, she's lethal.
19:22Jesus.
19:23How's Ken?
19:24Plot twist.
19:26He's alive.
19:27Plot twist!
19:30Kind of ruins your little plan to kill my dad and steal his money, though, doesn't it?
19:33No way, that's not...
19:34Don't act dumb.
19:35Go on, Tracey, right up!
19:36This is quite calm for Tracey, you know.
19:38She hasn't pulled her hair yet.
19:40Ah, Tracey!
19:41Yes!
19:42Yes!
19:43Yeah, that's it.
19:44There we go.
19:45Straight for the hair.
19:46That's enough.
19:47Just keeping her entertained.
19:48Ah!
19:49Arrest the bitch.
19:50Yeah, arrest her.
19:52Arrest the bitch and throw away the key.
19:55Get off!
20:02Oh, that one.
20:03That episode has absolute plague in my emotions.
20:07Do you know what?
20:08I feel like that's got me right back into Coronation Street.
20:10I might actually start watching it again.
20:12Yeah, why don't you start it from the beginning?
20:14Do you know what?
20:15Seriously, what?
20:16I could probably binge it in a week.
20:22In Bristol...
20:23Boys, you need to see this.
20:24So my daughter was like, Dad, Dad, I need bubble wrap.
20:27So I was like, what do you need bubble wrap for?
20:30She's like, oh, I wanted to make a laptop.
20:32Brothers Jermaine, Twain and Tristan.
20:35She's literally got salad tape out the drawer,
20:40got the bubble wrap, cutting the bubble wrap with the scissors,
20:43and then she's like, Dad, look at my laptop.
20:46And, yeah, she made a laptop.
20:50That's blown my mind.
20:51That's so sick.
20:53Absolutely blown my mind.
20:55It's got depth and everything.
20:57It's got a keyboard as well.
20:59Nah, that's sick.
21:01On Friday night, Channel 4 had us searching for answers.
21:06So, Mary, how come we're still married
21:08and most of our friends are divorced?
21:10Goodness knows.
21:11Lethargy?
21:12Yeah, that's probably it.
21:14Lethargy.
21:15Ellie, close your eyes.
21:19Who am I?
21:23Oh, dear!
21:24It's Bobby's little Bug Day costume!
21:27One solitary question.
21:29All our contestants have to do is answer it correctly.
21:32If it is actually only one question,
21:34then I don't know how it's going to be able to be on for an hour.
21:37Do you know what?
21:38I don't know how she doesn't get sensory issues from that fringe.
21:41Do my head in.
21:42And they win £100,000.
21:45Ooh, that is a chunk of change and a half, that is.
21:49Welcome to One Question.
21:51Do you know, the other night, Lee,
21:53we was watching a quiz in bed, me and Ray,
21:55and I was getting quite a lot of the answers right,
21:58and he just said, excuse me, can you just put the light on?
22:01So I said, what for?
22:02So I said, I want to see if it's you that's in the bed with me,
22:05you're too clever.
22:07You're doing a jiggy twat.
22:09Father and daughter.
22:10Yes.
22:11This is charming.
22:13A very bright father.
22:14Oh, wasn't that lovely, Mum?
22:16Oh, I couldn't do it with my mother.
22:18I couldn't.
22:19She's clever, though, your mum.
22:20That's why I don't want to do it with her.
22:22She'd show me up.
22:23Yeah.
22:24Do you quiz?
22:25Yes.
22:26She looks sensible.
22:27She's got to be clever with that bob.
22:28Has to be.
22:29Where do you quiz?
22:30It's local, isn't it, once a month?
22:32Chorley, where we live.
22:33Chorley, just up the road from here, Julie.
22:35Do you know what, it's funny, because at my grandad's funeral,
22:38we went to the pub and there was a quiz on, a pub quiz.
22:40The man who was taking the quiz felt sorry for us,
22:42because obviously it was my grandad's funeral,
22:44so he was giving me the answers, he was lip-reading them,
22:47saying, like, please say you won.
22:50I still lost.
22:51We're going to give you the answer.
22:53I'm going to give you 15 incorrect ones.
22:55Here we are, the answers, eh?
22:57Yeah, I know, but you've got to have the rights when I'm there.
22:59Eliminate the other 15.
23:02Who is Smith?
23:04Who is Smith?
23:05Matt Smith?
23:06Or Bill Smith?
23:08WH Smith?
23:09WH Smith.
23:11The record goalscorer for the England women's football team.
23:16I'm going to say it's Jill Scott.
23:18White, isn't it?
23:19Isn't her last name White?
23:21Not Smith?
23:22I don't know, Simon.
23:24Ellen White.
23:25Ellen White, yeah.
23:26OK, good one.
23:28Who is Smith?
23:29The singer who had a 1970 UK hit single with Big Yellow Taxi.
23:34Wait, well, that's Joni Mitchell.
23:36That's Joni Mitchell.
23:37Steve!
23:38Who had a hit with Big Yellow Taxi in 1970?
23:43Why didn't they ask me that?
23:45Because you won't know.
23:47I bet he's asleep.
23:49Joni Mitchell.
23:50Ooh!
23:51There we are.
23:52She's on the case.
23:53She's shit hot, her.
23:54If I was on a pub quiz, I'd want her on my team, I would.
23:58The author of the 1956 book The 101 Dalmatians.
24:03What's that, Roald Dahl?
24:09It's got to be, innit?
24:10Dodie Smith.
24:11Dodie Smith.
24:12Ooh!
24:15I think that's Smith.
24:17She thinks it's Smith.
24:18You think that is?
24:19It's Dodie Smith.
24:20She seems pretty confident.
24:22She does, doesn't she?
24:23You knew that, didn't you, Mary?
24:25Aren't you bright as a button and well-educated?
24:28Don't you go for it?
24:30Bloody hell.
24:32Are we going for it?
24:33Go for it.
24:34Oh, my God!
24:37They're going for it!
24:38Oh, they're going for it, Soph.
24:39Oh, no!
24:40Come on!
24:41I can't cope!
24:42I'm sorry, I can't leave.
24:44Dad would, like, be...
24:45Instead of, like, there, he'd, like, have his arm ready
24:47just in case he's wrong.
24:48You guys can look.
24:49There is not a chance I'm looking.
24:52Oh, shut up.
24:53I'm sure to you, you're milking it too much.
24:55You need it to go green.
24:56It's £100,000.
24:58Oh, my God.
24:59Oh, get on with it.
25:04Yes!
25:05Yes!
25:06Well done!
25:07Yes!
25:09Oh, my God, girl!
25:11Well done!
25:13What a girl you are!
25:15Well, I think it was a bit reckless of her, to be honest.
25:17I think she'll be voted mayor of Chorley, Mary.
25:20No, she won't.
25:21People aren't that stupid.
25:22There aren't enough people watching it to vote her mayor of Chorley.
25:25She'll be voted mayor of Chorley.
25:27She'll have the freedom of the city.
25:29I tell you what, if I went on a quiz show,
25:31I couldn't go on with me mam,
25:33because my mam's got the same personality as me,
25:35a little bit daft.
25:37So my mam wouldn't win, and that would make me furious.
25:41But then it'd be down to you to win.
25:43Exactly, so there would be no chance.
25:46In Blackpool...
25:48I actually think I've had the best moment of my entire life this morning.
25:52Go on.
25:53Pete and his little sister Sophie.
25:55So we're literally, me, Jimmy and Eve are all sat in the bed,
25:58and Colin's there, leathing in between me legs.
26:02And we're all just watching Paw Patrol.
26:04And then to put the icing on the cake,
26:06Paige brought me an ice cup of tea up.
26:08Jesus!
26:09I just thought, do you know what?
26:11I was going mad because someone had left the big light on.
26:14You're killing me, you lot!
26:20It's Paige, that, every week.
26:25On Sunday night, we were hot on the heels
26:27of some famous faces on Channel 4.
26:30Have you ever been hunted?
26:32No, I've been wanted, but never hunted.
26:35I've never been hunted.
26:37I've never been hunted.
26:39I've been wanted, but never hunted.
26:41Straight away, if I was in the country,
26:43obviously I would look for a bush.
26:47Do you get what I mean?
26:49But if I was in the city, there's no bush.
26:51What, a blackberry bush? A raspberry bush?
26:54Any bush. Any bush?
26:5812 days ago...
26:59Go, go, go, go, go, go!
27:01..12 celebrity fugitives went on the run.
27:04Run, run, run!
27:06This would be my favourite part of this,
27:08just shoving you around.
27:10Hurry up!
27:12You've been hunted down.
27:14Seven have been captured.
27:16Seven? God, that's a lot.
27:18The remaining five have been tracked to central London.
27:22Come on, Duncan. It's Duncan from Blue!
27:25I used to be so obsessed with Blue because of him.
27:28And then he turned out gay.
27:30Every person I've ever loved turned out to be gay.
27:34Why? Why does God do this to me?
27:41God, man, as Asians, we live a paranoid life anyway, don't we?
27:45Celebrity hunters wouldn't be good for us.
27:47In order to escape the hunters,
27:49the fugitives must make their way to Burr Island.
27:52Burr Island? God, look how far that is!
27:55And the location can only be accessed by sea tractor.
27:58A sea tractor? That looks cool, doesn't it?
28:01I've never heard of one of them.
28:04Yeah, yeah, get on it!
28:06Come on, Duncan!
28:07And they're off. Leg it!
28:09Oh, my God!
28:11There, look, it's there!
28:13Oh, they didn't have far to go. Get on it, get on it!
28:15Keep down really low.
28:17Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you two doing?
28:19Three quid each!
28:21Chief!
28:23I've got CCTV of Duncan and Christine in the Big Creek Harm Park.
28:27What? Oh, they've been seen.
28:29Oh, bloody hell.
28:31Holy shit!
28:33Oh, God! Oh, look, they're going to intercept!
28:39How slow is a sea tractor?
28:41I mean, this is a bit like me trying to do a getaway
28:44on my four-mile-an-hour scooter.
28:46Sea tractor down there! There's a hunter coming.
28:48Oh, come on, men!
28:50There's a sea tractor! Eyes on the sea tractor!
28:53Eyes on the sea tractor! Oh, look, they can see him!
28:58This is why action movies don't have sea tractors.
29:00They're so slow.
29:02Go, go, go, go, go!
29:04Quick! Run, come on!
29:06Oh, yes, Duncan, that's the energy!
29:08Running up off the slip.
29:10Just run for your life!
29:12Well, they've got to find the bloody boat.
29:14It's not just a run-in.
29:16Let's go, go!
29:18They're right behind himself.
29:20Be careful. Are you OK, babe?
29:22There he is! There's the boat, man!
29:24Hang on, there is no motor on that boat.
29:26It has two oars.
29:28It's on that lonely sea dog's boat.
29:30There he is. I don't know if we've done it on time.
29:32Just wait until we get on the big boat.
29:34This isn't the big boat, remember?
29:36Oh, they've got to get on the big boat now.
29:38Oh, this is so emotional, I'm actually going to start tearing up.
29:40There, there, there! HQ, got eyes on the rowing boat!
29:42Shoot them!
29:44Shoot them!
29:46Where's Vampire? That's the only thing that can catch them.
29:48Oh!
29:50Oh, that's not fair.
29:52Jet skis launching now. Jet skis launching now.
29:54They're on jet skis now.
29:56And they're going,
29:58Row, row, row your boat,
30:00Gently down the stream.
30:04Come on, you pig!
30:06I'm on the target. I'm approaching now.
30:08Oh, my God!
30:10Have we got away?
30:12Oh, yes!
30:14Right. Full throttle.
30:16Oh, my God!
30:18Look!
30:20Oh, no, it's there, right next to them.
30:22How are they going to stop them?
30:24I don't know, Jane. I don't even know what's going on anymore,
30:26but it's just very exciting.
30:28Oh, shit! Can we go even faster?
30:30Come on!
30:32This is going to be too close.
30:34God, man, this is like Mission Impossible.
30:40Chief, they're too fast, we're losing them.
30:42Oh, yes!
30:44See you!
30:46Up yours, God!
30:48See you later, mate!
30:50Duncan's like that.
30:52Choke on that one!
30:54Eat my seafoam, suckers!
31:04Oh, you're laughing
31:06on the other side of your face now, aren't you, mate?
31:08Look at them faces.
31:10Woo-hoo!
31:12We did it!
31:14Yeah!
31:16They've done it.
31:18Duncan and Christine have done it.
31:20I just want a brew.
31:22Oh, no!
31:24Bubbles after running around.
31:26Oh, no!
31:28That's going to be acid reflux, that, in no time.
31:32In south-east London...
31:34My mum was asking me what I was going to give up for Lent,
31:36because she said I've got a little bit of time to think about it,
31:38because Easter's a bit late this year.
31:42So, and her husband, Steve...
31:44You've got to give up something...
31:46That you like.
31:48So, does that mean...?
31:50Wine.
31:52Oh, is it? I thought it was like me or something.
31:54I gave you up ages ago.
31:56No, I gave up on you ages ago.
32:02This week, there were more shenanigans at school on BBC Three.
32:06Everyone at school's been talking about this.
32:08Let's hope that it's a bit more cheerful than the last episode.
32:12Oh, I liked the last episode, I just didn't understand it.
32:18I feel like I'm down with the kids watching this.
32:20Yes, although it does make me feel
32:22as though I was definitely a major loser at school.
32:26Well, you were.
32:28You still are.
32:32Is he on the toilet, reading a book?
32:38Oh, somebody's wrote a message on the toilet roll.
32:42They're coming. Who?
32:48What are the traitors doing here?
32:52Where's he gone?
32:54There he is.
32:56Oh, wow.
32:58He's not here. Let's go.
33:00What is going on here? Is this what happens at posh school?
33:02People dress up as the traitors
33:04meets Phantom of the Opera?
33:08What are you playing at?
33:10Why haven't you put something up on the wall?
33:12I lost my book.
33:14What are you talking about?
33:16I put it in it and it's gone.
33:18No, he's lost his sketchbook.
33:20Daniela, that's got, like, stuff in it, secrets.
33:22People's secrets are in that book.
33:24Why would you keep a sketchbook full of secrets?
33:26A bit later, we found Jaheim in bed.
33:28Is everything OK?
33:30Oh?
33:32Oh, hello.
33:34Yep.
33:36In bed with Beatrix's best friend, Florence?
33:40Oh, naughty boy.
33:42We said
33:44this was going to be the last time.
33:46Oh, OK.
33:48Happened a few times, then.
33:50Jaheim doesn't make life easy for himself, does he?
33:52No, he doesn't.
33:54I should think every bloody teenager in the country
33:56wants to go to this boarding school.
33:58It's just a bloody shag fest.
34:00Do you ever date your ex's friends?
34:02Yes.
34:04No.
34:06Yes.
34:08No.
34:10Hello, Florence.
34:12Bit of quizzing going on here, Julie.
34:14Come on, Flo, you've had that new dick glow
34:16for quite some time.
34:18Please don't tell me if you ever get a new dick glow.
34:20You'll be able to see it on my face, Simon.
34:22I won't be looking.
34:24Why do you care, anyway? Aren't you sleeping with Alex?
34:26She can't be too pissed off, though, if she's with someone.
34:28I mean, he's really hot,
34:30but, my God, is he so boring.
34:32The other day when he went down on me, I fell straight asleep.
34:34Lovely.
34:36That's just delightful.
34:38And he went down...
34:40Oh, don't be silly, Charles.
34:42They've all been... Corrupted by...
34:44Corrupted by... By pornography.
34:46By the internet, yeah.
34:48And, er, Jaheim didn't make you sleep?
34:50She knows what Jaheim's like,
34:52cos she's been at it with him herself.
34:54I thought you were so over him.
34:56No, I was.
34:58But we had this chat at your party.
35:00He said some stuff and...
35:02I think he still likes me.
35:04And I still like him.
35:06Oh!
35:08This is messy! At your own party!
35:10No, this is messy!
35:12At your own party! Damn!
35:14Drama's in it, Rosa, drama's...
35:16Yeah, man.
35:18Too much of a headache.
35:22Oh, my God.
35:24Oh, no, Omar's booked! Oh, my gosh.
35:26Is that the secret sketchbook?
35:28Give it back.
35:30Please, they're not what you think.
35:32Hey, look, those TVs.
35:34So they're yours?
35:36Oh, just get with it, even worse!
35:38What do you do?
35:40Oh, he's kicked the game away now, isn't he?
35:44Oh, no, it's a Florence.
35:48Oh!
35:50Jaheim and Florence!
35:52It's in black and white!
35:54Omar's done him dirty, eh?
35:58What is this?
36:00What are you sticking up to in all those early mornings?
36:02I didn't know you still liked him.
36:04Florence, don't lie.
36:06No, yes, you did!
36:08Who the fuck would do this?
36:10Fight, scrap!
36:14I love how Jaheim's keeping a low profile
36:16at the back of the bus.
36:18That is a classic case
36:20of the shit hitting the fan.
36:22Nobody fancied me at school.
36:24I had loads of crushes,
36:26but nobody really...
36:28There was only, like, one or two.
36:30Oh, I was hot stuff at church.
36:32I think it's cos I was a bit of a geek.
36:34It was a briefcase, babe.
36:36I didn't take the briefcase to high school!
36:38It was only juniors.
36:48In Wiltshire...
36:50Look at your jumper, Nutty.
36:52What about it?
36:54It looks rather nice.
36:56It was so filthy.
36:58And the inside isn't filthy.
37:00Giles and his wife, Mary.
37:02You've me neglecting my hand-washing, Nutty.
37:04How dare you?
37:06I wash from dawn till dusk.
37:08Every day you present vexatious laundry.
37:10I caught you out last week.
37:12When I went to London,
37:14everything was clean,
37:16and when I got back,
37:18you had a gobbles-type drying rack
37:20with about 12 shirts on it,
37:22which you couldn't have worn in my absence.
37:24Do you do hand-washing?
37:26Do you want me to do hand-washing?
37:28No, there's a hand-washing cycle on the machine.
37:30Is there? Oh, will you show me?
37:32On Saturday night,
37:34ITV was showcasing
37:36the best talent it could find.
37:38Are we on Russian, Steve?
37:40It's Saturday night, for Christ's sake.
37:42Yes, I'm on it.
37:44You know me.
37:46Are you on it?
37:48They're competing
37:50to play in front of the King, Mary.
37:52Yes, I'm sorry for him.
38:00What is going on?
38:02They're setting the scene for something spooky, are you?
38:04Ooh, they are. The lights are dimmed.
38:08Oh, no.
38:10It's going to be one of them weirdos
38:12that don't talk.
38:16What are they?
38:18I don't like that.
38:20He might be doing one of them spiralised potatoes.
38:22He might.
38:26Do not try this at home.
38:30No.
38:32What's he going to do, love?
38:34Not in the nose.
38:36Not the nose.
38:38Oh, no!
38:40Oh, no. No, that's too disgusting.
38:44I'm one in the mouth.
38:46I will not be trying this at home.
38:48Oh, for goodness' sake.
38:52Oh, man, he's got one in and one out.
38:54How?
38:58Oh, oh, oh!
39:00Fucking hell, no!
39:02I can't watch that.
39:06Wait.
39:08Oh, stop it!
39:14He's made himself into a human kebab.
39:16The king's not going to like this.
39:18Camilla, maybe.
39:22He's stripping now.
39:24You want to be careful, he's got other holes he might use.
39:28He's got a bottle of wine.
39:30Screw tops, I haven't worked like that.
39:34Oh, my days, where is this going now?
39:36What's that, a tube?
39:38Oh, don't say he's going to do what you call it, an enema with it.
39:40Fucking hell.
39:42Oh, no, his nose again.
39:46Oh, my God, I can't.
39:48Fucking hell, what's going on there?
39:50He's flossing.
39:52Oh, no, that's dreadful.
39:56What?
39:58Oh, he's got to drink the wine.
40:00No, Simon, don't!
40:02You can't drink that, that's disgusting.
40:04Yeah, cos it went...
40:06No, that's not.
40:08Oh!
40:10No! Simon, don't do it!
40:12He's going to end up with fucking cold sores.
40:14Oh, Simon, you can't expect him to suck that.
40:20If it were Whispering Angel, would you drink it?
40:22Oh, yeah.
40:26Oh, my God.
40:28Did he do this as a child?
40:30And then it just got worse?
40:34Oh, my days, there's more.
40:36Oh, no.
40:38Fucking not finished, is he?
40:42A hook and look a rope.
40:44This is going to be ugly.
40:46Oh, God.
40:50No.
40:52He's not going to lift himself up.
40:56Oh, my God.
40:58No!
41:00What the hell?
41:02He's pulling himself up.
41:04Oh!
41:06Jesus, there's something wrong with him, then.
41:12Oh!
41:14Golden buzzer, this, for me.
41:16How?
41:18Get a proper job.
41:22Oh!
41:24Fucking hell.
41:26I'll never look at a corkscrew the same.
41:28Do you know that? No.
41:30This is really horrible, isn't it?
41:32This is the worst thing I've seen.
41:34Why are you grinning?
41:38In Leeds...
41:40So, do you think us going to the wedding on Saturday
41:42did give Nat any ideas?
41:44Well, I've been dropping hints left, right and centre.
41:46Sisters Ellie and Izzy.
41:48I was saying stuff to him like,
41:50who would you pick for your best man?
41:52And he said that he didn't know,
41:54that he couldn't choose.
41:56And I says, well, pick who you want.
41:58I thought, I'm not picking for you.
42:00I thought, that's what he were looking for,
42:02for me to say who'd be his best man.
42:04But I thought, well, you can pick your own best man.
42:06You can't pick his best man.
42:08No, exactly. And then he said to me,
42:10who would you have for your maid of honour?
42:12And I thought...
42:14SCREAMING
42:16We're talking hypothetical weddings!
42:20On Friday night, there were more shockwaves
42:22from across the pond on BBC News.
42:24Bonnie definitely always wants to go for an afternoon walk.
42:26Oh, are you going to take her for an afternoon walk?
42:28No, don't say that.
42:30Why are you shuffling?
42:32Cos this...
42:34That floor makes a very rewarding noise.
42:36OK, let's see the news.
42:38Good evening.
42:40The rhetoric from the White House over Ukraine
42:42reached a new pitch tonight.
42:44Have you got Trump fatigue yet?
42:46No, he's a great disruptor, Mary.
42:48With President Trump criticising the leaders
42:50of the UK and France,
42:52as well as renewing his attack on President Zelensky.
42:54Oh, my God.
42:56Oh, my God.
42:58Didn't take him long to start picking on us, did it?
43:00Donald's just going to have to join the long line
43:02that's criticising our leadership.
43:04You know, take a ticket and wait your turn.
43:06He accused Sir Keir Starmer
43:08and Emmanuel Macron
43:10of doing nothing to try to end Russia's war.
43:12What about all the stuff we've sent over here?
43:14Fucking hell, we've had all sorts sent over here.
43:16Fucking hell, cheeky bastard Donald.
43:18The US President also said
43:20he was sick of President Zelensky
43:22and didn't believe Ukraine's leader
43:24needed to be involved in talks
43:26about ending the conflict.
43:28How can he say that?
43:30He is one cheeky sod, he is, isn't he?
43:32Where do you think he is?
43:34He's the President of Ukraine.
43:36We're going to talk about your country,
43:38but you can't be there.
43:40On a friendly radio station,
43:42added Keir Starmer and Emmanuel Macron
43:44to his list of failures in Ukraine.
43:46Well, you won't be happy hearing Keir Starmer
43:48getting a bash in you, love him.
43:50Donald Trump wants to be careful.
43:52Emmanuel Macron coming to see you for France
43:54and then Stormer for the UK this week.
43:56Stormer? Does he call him Stormer?
43:58The war is going on, no meetings with Russia, no nothing.
44:00Right.
44:02You know, they haven't done anything.
44:04It's actually, like, mental, what stuff he's coming out with.
44:06It's frightening, really, isn't it?
44:08It is. It's frightening.
44:10This is the funny thing with this special relationship
44:12between the UK and the US.
44:14Shat on us within a month.
44:16Yet we'll still be begging for more.
44:18Yeah.
44:20After they met here in Kiev,
44:22Trump's envoy, Keith Kellogg,
44:24praised Volodymyr Zelensky as a courageous leader.
44:26He'll be getting sacked now.
44:28Yeah.
44:30Courageous leader, you don't know your arse from your elbow.
44:32Fired.
44:34That has been drowned out by Trump,
44:36who calls Zelensky a dictator.
44:38How can you call an elected man...
44:40..a dictator?
44:42Because he's Trump.
44:44When Putin is in power...
44:46And is a dictator.
44:48It's basically, like, America is a year 11,
44:50and we're a year 7 student.
44:52Yeah.
44:54And the year 11's going, you will do this.
44:56Or you're getting wedged.
44:58Yeah.
45:00And look at us, about to get wedged.
45:02Exactly.
45:04A few days later, and it was news from Sir Keir himself
45:06that made the headlines on ITV.
45:08We will deliver our commitment
45:10to spend 2.5% of GDP on defence.
45:12Oh.
45:14Oh!
45:16Business.
45:18Worried about Putin.
45:20That is big news.
45:22But we will bring it forward
45:24so that we reach that level in 2027.
45:26This has nothing to do with my trip to America next week,
45:28but I have just decided by myself
45:30that we're upping our defence budget.
45:32Weren't I talking about this the other week, Rachel,
45:34that I was going to actually do this?
45:36Before even Donald was in,
45:38I'd said what I was thinking about it.
45:40I was going to think about it, it's just bad timing.
45:42I know what you're all thinking,
45:44but I'm not.
45:46You know what, it's easy to say, yep,
45:48Starmer's bending over for Trump. Yep.
45:50Which he is, but I think he's bending over
45:52with a purpose, though, isn't he?
45:54Hang on, that doesn't make it sound great.
45:56To be honest, I didn't realise how bad it is.
45:58And...
46:00It's scary.
46:02Hmm.
46:04There's not a torpedo on its way, Mum, chill.
46:06Yeah, we've got four minutes at least for the start.
46:08Let Trump get on with it,
46:10let Starmer get on with it and Macron.
46:12Let them all get on with it,
46:14I'm going to bed. All right.
46:16OK? OK. Goodnight, love.
46:18Goodnight. Are you going to take the dog down?
46:20I will, yeah.
46:26Finding a good Greek boy with added David Beckham
46:28delights, tricky business down under.
46:30Step in Brand New Married at First Sight, Australia,
46:32starting Monday 9pm on E4.
46:34Back here on Channel 4,
46:36from Scotland Yard to Kingston, Jamaica,
46:38the blistering new crime drama Get Millie Black
46:40starts Wednesday night at 9pm.
46:42Next tonight, seven days of news stories under the microscope.
46:44Giles Brandreth, Judy Love,
46:46The Last Leg.