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00:00All right, and this is my office.
00:02Is this part of the tour?
00:03Nope, goodbye.
00:04Come on, Sheldon, we've hardly shown him anything.
00:08All right, this is my desk.
00:11These are my books.
00:12This is my door.
00:13Please close it behind you.
00:14Goodbye.
00:17Looks like you're doing work in quantum loop corrections.
00:19Keen observation.
00:20Goodbye.
00:22You see where you went wrong, don't you?
00:25Leonard?
00:26Yeah?
00:28Get him out.
00:30Come on, Dennis, I'll show you the rec center.
00:32They've got Nautilus equipment.
00:33Do I look like I lift weights?
00:36Not heavy ones.
00:38It's startling to me you haven't considered
00:40Lorentz and Varian or field theory approach.
00:43You think I haven't considered it?
00:45You really think I haven't considered it?
00:47Have you considered it?
00:50Get him out, Leonard.
00:51Come on, Dennis.
00:52I'll show you the radiation lab.
00:55Wow.
00:56You won the Stevenson Award?
00:58Yes.
01:00In fact, I am the youngest person ever to win it.
01:03Really?
01:04How old?
01:05Fourteen and a half.
01:07You were the youngest person ever to win it.
01:13It's like looking into an obnoxious little mirror, isn't it?
01:16Cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough.
01:28Oh dear god.
01:31Leonard!
01:34Leonard, I'm sick!
01:39Leonard?
01:42Leonard, I'm sick!
01:46Leonard?
01:48Leonard?
01:51Leonard?
01:53Leonard?
01:57Leonard, my comforter fell down
01:59and my sinuses hurt when I bend over.
02:05Leonard?
02:13Ow.
02:16Cough.
02:19Cough.
02:21Hey.
02:22Leonard, where are you?
02:24I'm at work.
02:26At 6.30 in the morning?
02:29Yes.
02:31On Sunday?
02:33Yes.
02:35Why?
02:36They asked me to come in.
02:37I didn't hear the phone ring.
02:39They texted me.
02:42Well, as I predicted, I am sick.
02:46My fever has been tracking up exponentially since 2am
02:50and I am producing sputum at an alarming rate.
02:55No kidding.
02:57Nope. Not only that, it has shifted from clear to milky green.
03:06Howard, it's the phone!
03:08I know it's the phone, Ma. I hear the phone!
03:11Well, who's calling at this ungodly hour?
03:15I don't know!
03:17Well, ask them why they're calling at this ungodly hour!
03:21How can I ask them when I'm talking to you?
03:28Hello?
03:30Howard, it's Leonard. Code milky green.
03:32Dear Lord, not milky green.
03:35Here's the problem with teleportation.
03:41Lay it on me.
03:43Assuming a device could be invented
03:45which would identify the quantum state of matter
03:47of an individual in one location
03:49and transmit that pattern to a distant location for reassembly,
03:52you would not have actually transported the individual.
03:54You would have destroyed him in one location
03:56and recreated him in another.
03:58You would have destroyed him in one location
04:00and recreated him in another.
04:02How about that?
04:04Personally, I would never use a transporter
04:06because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated
04:09in order to create a new Sheldon.
04:12Would the new Sheldon be in any way
04:14an improvement on the old Sheldon?
04:17No, he would be exactly the same.
04:19That is a problem.
04:21So you see it, too.
04:23What'd you get the birthday boy?
04:25Well, Raj got him an awesome limited-edition
04:27dark knight suit.
04:29Well, Raj got him an awesome limited-edition
04:31dark knight sculpture based on Alex Ross'
04:33definitive Batman, and I got him this amazing
04:35autographed copy of the Feynman lectures on physics.
04:38Nice! I got him a sweater.
04:42Okay, well, he might like that.
04:44I've seen him get chilly.
04:47Sheldon, I didn't see your present.
04:49That's because I didn't bring one.
04:50Why not?
04:51Don't ask.
04:52The entire institution of gift-giving makes no sense.
04:54Too late.
04:55Let's say that I go out, and I spend $50 on you.
04:58It's a laborious activity, because I have to
05:00imagine what you need, whereas you know what you need.
05:03Now, I could simplify things, just give you
05:05the $50 directly, and you could give me
05:07$50 on my birthday, and so on,
05:09until one of us dies, leaving the other one
05:11old and $50 richer.
05:15And I ask you, is it worth it?
05:18Told you not to ask.
05:20Well, Sheldon, you're his friend.
05:22Friends give each other presents.
05:24I accept your premise. I reject your conclusion.
05:29Try telling him it's a non-optional social convention.
05:33What?
05:34Just do it.
05:37It's a non-optional social convention.
05:42Oh, fair enough.
05:47He came with a manual.
05:49What the hell was that?
05:53Any other questions?
05:55Dr. Sheldon Cooper here.
05:57I am the lead author of this particular paper.
06:04And you, sir, you have completely skipped over
06:07the part where I was walking through the park,
06:09and I saw these children on a merry-go-round,
06:11which started me thinking about the moment
06:13of inertia in gases like helium
06:15at temperatures approaching absolute zero.
06:17I didn't skip it. It's just an anecdote.
06:19It's not science.
06:20Oh, oh, I see.
06:21It was the apple falling on Newton's head.
06:23Was that just an anecdote?
06:25You are not Isaac Newton.
06:26No, no, that's true.
06:27Gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple.
06:30You cannot possibly be that arrogant.
06:32You continue to underestimate me, my good man.
06:35Look, if you weren't happy with my presentation,
06:37then maybe you should have given it with me.
06:39As I have explained repeatedly, unlike you,
06:41I don't need validation from lesser minds.
06:43No offense.
06:44Really? So why did you come?
06:46Because I knew you'd screw this up.
06:48Maybe I didn't go to college when I was 11, like you.
06:51I got my doctorate at 24 instead of 16.
06:54But you are not the only person
06:55who is smarter than everyone else in this room.
06:58No offense.
07:01And I am clearly not the only person
07:03who is tormented by insecurity
07:05and has an ego in need of constant validation.
07:07So you admit you're an egotist?
07:09Yes!
07:11My name is Dr. Leonard Hofstadter,
07:13and I could never please my parents,
07:14so I need to get all my self-esteem
07:15from strangers like you.
07:17But he's worse!
07:18Okay, that is it!
07:20Stop it!
07:23You cannot blow up my head with your mind!
07:26Then I'll settle for an aneurysm!
07:28Stop it!
07:29You hit me! You saw that? He hit me!
07:31You were trying to blow up my head!
07:33So it was working!
07:34It wasn't! It was not!
07:35You are a nutcase!
07:36Oh, we'll see about that!
07:37Heads up, you people in the front row!
07:39This is a splash zone!
07:41Stop it!
07:42Quit it!
07:49Is this usually how these physics things go?
07:51More often than you think.
07:57Penny, that's where I sit.
08:03Sit next to me.
08:06No, I sit there.
08:09What's the difference?
08:10What's the difference?
08:11Here we go.
08:13In the winter, that seat is close enough
08:14to the radiator to remain warm,
08:16and yet not so close as to cause perspiration.
08:18In the summer, it's directly in the path of a cross breeze
08:20created by opening windows there and there.
08:22It faces the television at an angle
08:24that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation,
08:26nor so far wide as to create a parallax distortion.
08:29I could go on, but...
08:31I think I've made my point.
08:36Do you want me to move?
08:37Well...
08:38Just sit somewhere else.
08:42Fine.
09:01Sheldon, sit!
09:05This is Lalitha Gupta.
09:07Lalitha, this is Leonard and Sheldon
09:09and Howard and Penny.
09:10Isn't it great?
09:11She isn't fat anymore.
09:13Forgive me, your highness,
09:15for I am but a monkey
09:16and it is in my nature to climb.
09:18I did not mean to gaze upon you
09:19as you comb your hair.
09:23I'm sorry?
09:24You are the living embodiment
09:25of the beautiful Princess Panchali.
09:28Oh, no kidding.
09:30Who is that?
09:31A beloved character from an Indian folk tale.
09:34Oh.
09:36Are you a class Indian
09:37or come-to-our-casino Indian?
09:41You Indian.
09:42Oh.
09:43The resemblance is remarkable.
09:45I can practically smell the lotus blossoms
09:47woven into your ebony hair.
09:49Well, thanks.
09:51I imagine you smell very nice, too.
09:54I shower twice a day
09:55and wash my hands as often as I can.
09:58Really?
09:59So do I.
10:00But you're a dentist.
10:01He's nuts.
10:04You're insulting, Rajesh.
10:06So, Sheldon,
10:07tell me more about this princess
10:09you say I look like.
10:10It was said that the gods fashioned
10:12her eyes out of the stars
10:14and that roses were ashamed to bloom
10:17in the presence of her ruby lips.
10:19Oh, my.
10:20Back off, Sheldon.
10:22What?
10:23If you do not stop hitting on my lady,
10:24you will feel the full extent of my wrath.
10:28I'm not hitting on her.
10:29And I am not your lady.
10:31I have no wrath.
10:35You are my lady.
10:36Our parents said so.
10:37We are, for all intents and purposes,
10:38100% hooked up.
10:40Okay, let's get something straight here.
10:42The only reason I came tonight
10:43was to get my parents off my case.
10:45I certainly don't need to be getting
10:46this old-world crap from you.
10:48That's exactly the kind of spirit
10:49with which Princess Panchali
10:50led the monkeys to freedom.
10:52Oh, screw Princess Panchali.
10:53Hey, you can't talk to me like that.
10:54But you're not Princess Panchali.
10:56Luckily for you, she can have you beheaded.
10:59Sheldon, are you hungry?
11:00I could eat.
11:01Let's go.
11:09Someone touched my board.
11:15Oh, God, my board.
11:19Leonard.
11:20Leonard!
11:22Hey, what's the matter?
11:24My equations.
11:25Someone's tampered with my equations.
11:26Are you sure?
11:27Of course I'm sure.
11:28Look at the beta function
11:29of quantum chromodynamics.
11:30The sign's been changed.
11:33Oh, yeah.
11:34But doesn't that fix
11:35the problem you've been having?
11:36Are you insane?
11:38Are you out of your mind?
11:39Are you...
11:40Hey, look, that fixes the problem
11:41I've been having.
11:44You're welcome.
11:47You did this?
11:49Yeah, I noticed it
11:50when I got up to get a glass of water,
11:51so I fixed it,
11:52and now you can show that quarks
11:53are asymptotically free at high energies.
11:55Pretty cool, huh?
11:59Cool?
12:01Listen, I gotta get to the lab.
12:03Thanks for a great night.
12:07I'll see you at work.
12:08Hold on, hold on.
12:10What?
12:11Who told you you could touch my board?
12:13No one.
12:14Yeah, I don't come into your house
12:15and touch your board.
12:17There are no incorrect equations
12:18on my board.
12:23Oh, that is so, so...
12:28I'm sorry, I gotta run.
12:29If you come up with an adjective, text me.
12:35Inconsiderate.
12:36That is the adjective.
12:37Incons...
12:38In 1935, Erwin Schrödinger,
12:40in an attempt to explain
12:41the Copenhagen interpretation
12:42of quantum physics,
12:43he proposed an experiment
12:45where a cat is placed in a box
12:47with a sealed vial of poison
12:49that will break open at a random time.
12:51Now, since no one knows
12:52when or if the poison has been released,
12:55until the box is opened,
12:56the cat can be thought of
12:57as both alive and dead.
13:05I'm sorry, I don't get the point.
13:07Well, of course you don't get it.
13:08I haven't made it yet.
13:11You'd have to be psychic to get it,
13:12and there's no such thing as psychic.
13:13Sheldon, what's the point?
13:15Just like Schrödinger's cat,
13:17your potential relationship
13:18with Leonard right now
13:20can be thought of as both good and bad.
13:22It is only by opening the box
13:24that you'll find out which it is.
13:27Okay, so you're saying
13:28I should go out with Leonard.
13:30No, no, no, no, no, don't.
13:33Let me start again.
13:34In 1935, Gordon Schrödinger...
13:37Sheldon, I think I've made a mistake.
13:39I can see that,
13:40unless you're planning
13:41on running a marathon
13:42choosing both stuffing
13:43and mashed potatoes
13:44as a starch-filled redundancy.
13:47No, it's about Penny.
13:48A mistake involving Penny.
13:51Okay, you'll have to narrow it down.
13:54I don't think I can go out
13:55with her tonight.
13:56Then don't.
13:58Other people would say,
13:59why not?
14:00Other people might be interested.
14:04I'm gonna talk anyway.
14:05I assumed you would.
14:08Now that I'm actually
14:09about to go out with Penny,
14:10I'm not excited.
14:11I'm nauseous.
14:13Ah, then your meal choice
14:14is appropriate.
14:15Starch absorbs fluid,
14:16which reduces the amount
14:17of vomit available
14:18for violent expulsion.
14:20Sheldon, this date
14:21is probably my one chance
14:22with Penny.
14:23What happens if I blow it?
14:25Well, if we accept
14:26your premise
14:27and also accept
14:28the highly improbable
14:29assumption that Penny
14:30is the only woman
14:31in the world for you,
14:32then we can logically
14:33conclude that the result
14:34of blowing it
14:35would be that you end up
14:36a lonely, bitter old man
14:37with no progeny.
14:39The image of any number
14:40of evil lighthouse keepers
14:41from Scooby-Doo cartoons
14:42comes to mind.
14:44Tell me whether or not
14:45to go through with the date.
14:46Schrodinger's cat.
14:49Wow, that's brilliant.
14:52You sound surprised.
14:54Stripper grin.
15:00Tag, you're it.
15:03Shouldn't you put him
15:04in a brown paper bag
15:05and set him on fire?
15:10I've never slept
15:11on an air mattress before.
15:14No lumbar support whatsoever.
15:17Maybe you'd be happier
15:18on a park bench.
15:22I don't see anybody
15:23sleeping on a bench in here.
15:26Do you want to switch?
15:27No, that's fine.
15:29I'm perfectly comfortable
15:30sleeping on a bouncy castle.
15:34Get out of bed.
15:35We're switching.
15:36Now, only if you want to.
15:37Just get in the bed.
15:39What's going on?
15:41Are you boys roughhousing?
15:45We're just talking, Ma.
15:47If you don't settle down
15:48right now,
15:50I'm not gonna let you
15:51have any more sleepovers.
15:54God's sake, Ma.
15:55I'm 27 years old.
15:58It's not even a school night.
16:05Comfy now?
16:06Meh.
16:12That poster of Halle Berry
16:13is a little unnerving.
16:17So don't look at it.
16:19She's like my fourth
16:20favorite Catwoman.
16:21No kidding.
16:22Yeah, Julie Neumar,
16:23Michelle Pfeiffer,
16:24Eartha Kitt, and then her.
16:26What about Lee Merriweather?
16:27Oh, I forgot about
16:28Lee Merriweather.
16:30I'm glad that's settled.
16:33That makes Halle Berry
16:34my fifth favorite Catwoman.
16:36It's Julie Neumar,
16:37Michelle Pfeiffer,
16:38Eartha Kitt, Lee Merriweather.
16:39Please, I'm begging you,
16:40go to sleep.
16:42I'm trying.
16:43I'm counting Catwomen.
16:45You know, she did make
16:46a fine mutant
16:47in the X-Men movies, though.
16:48Oh, for God's sake.
16:49Which is not my favorite
16:50of the X-Men.
16:51In order, that would be
16:52Wolverine, Cyclops...
16:53Oh, wait, I forgot
16:54Professor X.
16:55Professor X, Wolverine, Cyclops,
16:57Iceman, then Storm,
16:58Angel, The Beat...
16:59Oh, wait, Nightcrawler.
17:01Professor X, Nightcrawler,
17:02Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman,
17:04then Storm, Angel...
17:06I'm coming.
17:09Hey.
17:11Hey.
17:12Hey.
17:15There he is.
17:16There my old
17:17buddy-butt-bud.
17:20I have no respect
17:21for Leslie as a scientist,
17:22or a human being,
17:23for that matter.
17:25We have to concede
17:26her undeniable expertise
17:27in the interrelated fields
17:28of promiscuity
17:29and general sluttiness.
17:34My point is that
17:35Tinkerbell just needs
17:36to get her some.
17:38Some what?
17:39Oh, yes,
17:40some sexual intercourse.
17:43I'll take the bullet.
17:47Excuse me,
17:48this whole idea is insane.
17:49Yeah, yeah, enough debate.
17:50I'm going to take action.
17:52Excuse me.
17:54Are you currently involved
17:55in a sexual relationship?
17:59No.
18:00Would you like to be?
18:03Uh...
18:05Sure, why not?
18:07Sheldon?
18:08Pip-pip-pip-pip.
18:10Can I have
18:11your phone number?
18:14Uh...
18:16Yeah.
18:18Yeah.
18:28There, problem solved.
18:32Dumbass.
18:34Remember to ask
18:35for the chicken with broccoli
18:36to be diced, not shredded?
18:37Yes.
18:38Did the menu description
18:39specify shredded?
18:40Yes.
18:41Brown rice, not white?
18:42Yes.
18:43Did you stop at the Korean grocery
18:44and get the good hot mustard?
18:45Yes.
18:46Did you pick up the low-sodium
18:47soy sauce from the market?
18:48Yes.
18:50You're welcome.
18:52What took you so long?
18:55Just sit down and eat.
18:56Fine.
19:00All right, it's shredded.
19:01What do you want me to do?
19:03Turn on the ignition
19:04and shift into drive.
19:05I haven't fastened
19:06my seat belt yet.
19:08Okay, fasten your seat belt.
19:17Click.
19:20Now, are there airbags?
19:21You don't need airbags.
19:22What does a simulated
19:23van rear-ends mean?
19:24I'll hit you in the face
19:25with a pillow.
19:36Okay, now shift into drive.
19:39Pull out slowly into traffic.
19:41Oh!
19:42Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
19:43What's that?
19:44What's that?
19:45What the...
19:46Gas pre-winds!
19:47Wait!
19:48Hit the brakes!
19:49Hit the brakes!
20:04Sorry.
20:05Excuse me.
20:08My bad.
20:12Student driver!
20:16How did you manage
20:17to get on the second floor
20:18of the Glendale Galleria?
20:21I don't know.
20:22I was on the Pasadena Freeway.
20:23I missed my exit,
20:24flew off the overpass,
20:25and one thing led to another.
20:30Maybe you should
20:32Maybe you want to
20:33give it a rest
20:34and try again tomorrow.
20:35No.
20:36I quit.
20:45Oh, the pet store.
20:49Remind me to compliment
20:50Wallowitz on the software.
20:51That's amazingly detailed.
20:55Penny.
20:57Penny.
20:58Penny.
21:00Penny.
21:07Sheldon?
21:11I have an inflamed larynx.
21:17Okay.
21:21We are out of herbal tea.
21:24Do you have any?
21:29Okay.
21:30Let me check.
21:34Some hiney
21:36would be nice too.
21:39Hiney?
21:44Honey.
21:48Trailing badly.
21:49Wallowitz needs a strike.
21:50If he has any hopes
21:51of catching up with
21:52Sheldon Cooper,
21:53who is dominating
21:54in the ninth frame
21:55with a career best 68.
21:59Hey, guys.
22:02That doesn't count.
22:03Do-over, do-over.
22:04There are no do-overs
22:05in Wii Bowling.
22:07There are always do-overs
22:08when my people play sports.
22:12Where were you
22:13that's more important
22:14than Wii Bowling night?
22:15Actually, I was...
22:16It's a rhetorical question.
22:17There is nothing more important
22:18than Wii Bowling night.
22:20Come on.
22:21It's just a boring night.
22:22It's a boring night.
22:23It's a boring night.
22:24It's a boring night.
22:25It's a boring night.
22:26It's a boring night.
22:27Come on.
22:28It's just a video game,
22:29and we suck at it.
22:31Nice motivational speech
22:32from the team captain.
22:34Maintaining five friendships
22:36promises to be
22:37a Herculean task,
22:38so I'm going to have
22:40to let one of you go.
22:44Me, me.
22:45Let it be me.
22:48Leonard,
22:49you are my roommate,
22:50my source of transportation,
22:52and you help me
22:53fold my sheets
22:54when they come out
22:55of the dryer.
22:57You are safe.
23:00Can I whistle?
23:01Don't be silly.
23:03Howard,
23:04you do not have a Ph.D.
23:06Your cologne is an assault
23:08on the senses,
23:09and you're not available
23:11for video games
23:12during the Jewish high holidays.
23:14Guilty as charged.
23:15I'm out.
23:16No,
23:17you two are safe.
23:19Oh, come on.
23:20What do I have to do?
23:23Okay, you know what?
23:24I see where this is going.
23:25I'm not one of you guys,
23:26I'm not a scientist,
23:27so just tell me what's...
23:28Penny, Penny, Penny,
23:29everything you're saying is true,
23:30but please allow me
23:31to continue.
23:32Raj,
23:33you're out.
23:39It's a good question.
23:41While you do provide
23:42a certain cultural diversity
23:43to an otherwise
23:44homogenous group,
23:45your responses
23:46to the questionnaire
23:47were truly disturbing.
23:48How could you,
23:49for a moment,
23:50think that my favorite
23:51amino acid is glutamine?
23:54He had, like,
23:55he had lysine,
23:56but changed it.
23:57Shoulda, woulda, coulda, Raj.
24:04This appears significantly more
24:06monolithic
24:07than it did on my laptop.
24:10No one expects to see hominids
24:11learning to use bones as weapons.
24:15You afraid of heights, Cooper?
24:16Hardly.
24:17Fear of heights is illogical.
24:19Fear of falling,
24:20on the other hand,
24:21is prudent and evolutionary.
24:23What would you say
24:24is the minimum altitude
24:25I need to achieve
24:26to cement
24:27our newfound friendship?
24:29Come on, they have
24:30birthday parties here.
24:31Where do kids climb this?
24:34Little kid hominids, perhaps.
24:40So is this your entire job?
24:43Parents must be so proud.
24:46Let's go, Cooper.
24:47Coming, Kripke.
24:49Okay.
24:50Harness seems to be secure.
24:54There was a small amount
24:55of incontinence just now,
24:56but the website said
24:57that's to be expected.
25:00Hey.
25:02This isn't so bad.
25:05It's a bit like vertical swimming.
25:08Hey, look at you, Cooper.
25:09You're almost halfway to the top.
25:10I am?
25:14I was wrong.
25:16It is a fear of heights.
25:18You all right there, Cooper?
25:19Not really.
25:21I feel somewhat like
25:22an inverse tangent function
25:23approaching an asymptote.
25:25Are you saying you're stuck?
25:26What part of inverse tangent function
25:27approaching an asymptote
25:28did you not understand?
25:30I understood all of it.
25:31I'm not a mole on.
25:33Just keep going.
25:35Yeah, I don't think I can.
25:36Well, climb back down.
25:39No, that doesn't seem
25:40any more likely.
25:42So what's your plan, Cooper?
25:44Well, it's not exactly a plan,
25:45but I think I'm going
25:46to pass out.
25:54Stew the cockatoo
25:55is new at the zoo.
25:59Author Sarah Carpenter
26:00lives in Fort Wayne, Indiana
26:03with her husband
26:04and best friend, Mark,
26:06and their cockatoo, Stew.
26:09Probably makes her an expert
26:10in making friends.
26:11Wouldn't you agree?
26:13I don't like birds.
26:14They scare me.
26:16Me too.
26:19Most people don't see it.
26:24What are you reading?
26:25Curious George.
26:26Oh, I do like monkeys.
26:29Curious George is a monkey.
26:31Somewhat anthropomorphized,
26:32but yes.
26:35Say,
26:37maybe sometime you and I
26:38could go see monkeys together.
26:39Would you like that?
26:41Okay.
26:42Sheldon, what are you doing?
26:45I'm making friends
26:46with this little girl.
26:47What's your name?
26:48Rebecca.
26:49Hi, Rebecca.
26:50I'm your new friend, Sheldon.
26:51Diana, let's go.
26:54We're really hitting it off.
26:55Don't look up.
26:56There's cameras.
26:57So what do you think?
27:01I'm very tempted.
27:03I'm just not sure
27:04it's appropriate
27:05with my son's roommate.
27:08Normally, I'd feel the same way,
27:10but based on everything
27:11I've observed about us,
27:12I can't help but speculate
27:14we'd be very good together.
27:16True.
27:17I've had a similar observation.
27:20Certainly something
27:21I could never do
27:22with my husband.
27:26I was hesitant
27:27the first time I tried it,
27:28but I experienced
27:30an unanticipated
27:31and remarkable release
27:33of endorphins.
27:36It's quite satisfying.
27:39I see what you're doing.
27:41You're appealing
27:42to the neuroscientific
27:43researcher in me.
27:46You see right through me,
27:47don't you?
27:50Only when you're
27:51there.
27:57Oh, I'm a knight!
27:58I'm a knight!
27:59I'm a knight!
28:00I'm a knight!
28:01Oh, I'm a knight!
28:02I'm a knight!
28:04Hold tight!
28:05Hold tight!
28:06Hold tight!
28:07Hold tight!
28:08Baby, hold tight.
28:10For any way you want it,
28:12that's the way you need it.
28:14Any way you want it.
28:16Here you go, fresh from the cleaners.
28:17Good as new.
28:18Really great.
28:19Sheldon, look.
28:20From that keymaker,
28:21I highly doubt it.
28:24Come on, Sheldon.
28:25Just give it a try.
28:28All right.
28:32There.
28:33Nice and comfy cozy.
28:34Zero, zero, zero.
28:37There's one more zero.
28:40You forgot the time parameter.
28:42Sit on the damn couch.
28:50Nope.
29:08Nope.
29:11What do you mean, nope?
29:12What's wrong with it?
29:13Nothing.
29:14It's what's wrong with him.
29:16It's exactly the same.
29:18Penny, Penny.
29:20I think I know what to do.
29:22Sheldon, I have some bad news.
29:24More?
29:26I'm afraid so.
29:28You know the cashew chicken
29:29I get you on Monday nights?
29:30Yes, from Szechuan Palace.
29:33Szechuan Palace closed two years ago.
29:38What?
29:40Where did my cashew chicken come from?
29:43Golden Dragon.
29:49No.
29:53Oh, this isn't right.
29:55Our food always comes
29:56in Szechuan Palace containers.
29:58Yeah, well,
29:59before they went out of business,
30:00I bought 4,000 containers.
30:04I keep them in the trunk of my car.
30:08But...
30:10Oh, this changes everything.
30:14I thought that might
30:15take his mind off the cushion.
30:17What's real?
30:18What isn't?
30:19How can I know?
30:22You did make that up, right?
30:23I wish I had.
30:27Leonard?
30:28Yeah, buddy?
30:29I still don't like this cushion.
30:32I got a box,
30:33but there's no key in here.
30:34Just letters.
30:35That's the wrong box.
30:36Put it back.
30:37Oh, Sheldon,
30:38are these letters
30:39from your grandmother?
30:40Don't read those letters.
30:41Oh, look,
30:42she calls you Moon Pie.
30:43That is so cute.
30:44Put down the letters!
30:49Hey, Penny,
30:50it's Leonard.
30:51Hey, Leonard,
30:52how's the train ride?
30:53Delightful.
30:55Listen, I don't know
30:56what you're doing right now,
30:57but there are little bubbles
30:58forming in the corner
30:59of Sheldon's mouth.
31:00Okay, yeah,
31:01I kind of crossed a line.
31:02Put him back on.
31:06I'm back.
31:07What up, Moon Pie?
31:09No one calls me Moon Pie,
31:11but me more.
31:14Hey, Penny,
31:15Leonard again.
31:18Okay, I found the box.
31:19Now what?
31:20You're holding
31:21a Japanese puzzle box,
31:23which takes ten precise moves
31:25to open.
31:26First,
31:27locate the panel
31:28with the diamond pattern
31:29and slide the center portion
31:31one millimeter to the left.
31:33Then,
31:34on the opposite end of the box,
31:35slide the entire panel
31:37down two millimeters.
31:39You'll hear a slight click.
31:40Hang on.
31:41Sheldon,
31:42do you have any
31:43emotional attachment
31:44to this box?
31:45No, it's a novelty
31:46I ordered off the Internet.
31:47Did you hear the click?
31:48Not yet.
31:53There it is.
31:58Very well.
32:00But if this leads to opiates
32:01or hallucinogenics,
32:02you're going to have to
32:03answer to my mother.
32:11Zoom! Zoom! Zoom!
32:17Where's the coffee?
32:19We're all out.
32:23No problem.
32:25I'll be back
32:26before this banana
32:27hits the ground.
32:28Zoom! Zoom! Zoom! Zoom!
32:31Zoom! Zoom! Zoom! Zoom!
32:34First,
32:35at all times,
32:36I'm to be treated
32:37as a colleague and an equal.
32:38Second,
32:39my contributions shall be noted
32:40in all published materials.
32:41And third,
32:42you are never allowed
32:43to lecture me on Hinduism
32:44or my Indian culture.
32:47I'm impressed, Raj.
32:48Those are very cogent
32:49and reasonable conditions.
32:51I reject them all.
32:54Then you leave me no choice.
32:56I accept the job.
32:59I'm sorry.
33:00I believe you've misunderstood.
33:01I'm not giving you the job.
33:03I'm simply affording you
33:04the opportunity
33:05to apply for it.
33:09Have a seat.
33:10We'll get started
33:11with the interview.
33:12You're kidding!
33:14Please.
33:17All right.
33:21So...
33:25That's what you wear
33:26to an interview?
33:29Come on, dude.
33:30We've been friends for years.
33:31Oh, pulling strings,
33:32are we?
33:34Sheldon, for God's sakes,
33:35don't make me beg.
33:38Bazinga!
33:40You've fallen victim
33:41to another one
33:42of my classic practical jokes.
33:45I'm your boss now.
33:46You may want to laugh at that.
33:49You're watching football?
33:51There's no fooling you.
33:54Now, what is this
33:55sacks statistic
33:56they put up there?
33:58All I know about sacks
33:59is my mother shops there.
34:04Sacks.
34:05Sacks.
34:06It's football nomenclature
34:08for when a quarterback
34:09is tackled
34:10behind the line of scrimmage.
34:11Huh.
34:13Scrimmage.
34:16The line of scrimmage
34:17is the imaginary
34:18transverse line
34:19separating the offense
34:20from the defense.
34:22Oh.
34:24Sheldon knows football?
34:27Apparently.
34:28I mean, quidditch,
34:29sure, but football?
34:34Sheldon, how do you
34:35know this stuff?
34:36I grew up in Texas.
34:37Football is ubiquitous
34:38in Texas.
34:39You know,
34:40Texas.
34:41Football is ubiquitous
34:42in Texas.
34:43Pro football,
34:44college football,
34:45high school football,
34:46peewee football.
34:47In fact,
34:48every form of football
34:49except the original.
34:50European football.
34:52Most Texans believe
34:53to be a commie plot.
34:57Unbelievable.
34:58If you're interested,
34:59I also know all about
35:00frying meat that isn't chicken
35:01as if it were chicken.
35:06So, you could teach me?
35:09Football or chicken-fried meats?
35:13Football.
35:14I'm going to Penny's on Saturday
35:15to watch a game with her friends
35:16and I don't want to look
35:17like an idiot.
35:18I want to blend in.
35:19You want to blend in
35:20with Penny's friends?
35:21I think looking like an idiot
35:22would be the perfect camouflage.
35:24Come on, Sheldon,
35:25please teach me football.
35:26It'll be fun.
35:27That's exactly
35:28what my father said.
35:30Come to the games.
35:31Watch the games.
35:32Week in and week out.
35:33From the time I was five
35:34until I went off to college.
35:36Longest seven years
35:37of my life.
35:39Please, I'm asking you
35:40as a friend.
35:43Are you making this
35:44a tier one friendship request?
35:48Yes.
35:50Fine.
35:51I really appreciate this.
35:53Yeah, yeah.
35:54Alright, Poindexter,
35:55sit down, shut up and listen.
35:58I'm sorry?
35:59That's how my father
36:00always began
36:01our football conversations.
36:03And if you'd like,
36:04after the game,
36:05I'll take you outside
36:06and teach you how
36:07to shoot close enough
36:08to a raccoon
36:09that it craps itself.
36:17I have a few questions.
36:18First, I noticed that
36:19you offer soup
36:20and a half sandwich?
36:21Yes.
36:22Where exactly does
36:23the half sandwich come from?
36:25Are you giving me half
36:26of someone else's sandwich?
36:28Or do I have to wait
36:29for someone else
36:30in the restaurant
36:31to order the other half?
36:32No, no, Sheldon,
36:33they just make a half sandwich.
36:34You can't make
36:35a half sandwich.
36:36If it's not half
36:37of a whole sandwich,
36:38it's just a small sandwich.
36:40Okay, fine.
36:41It's soup and a small sandwich.
36:42Is that what you want?
36:43No, of course not.
36:44I'll have my usual.
36:45You combine these chemicals
36:46with ordinary dish soap,
36:48creating a little
36:49exothermic release of oxygen.
36:52Ooh.
36:53Oh!
36:54Ha, ha!
36:55Ah!
36:56Oooh.
36:57Ha, ha!
37:00Formy vengeance.
37:02Yes, exactly.
37:03This is brilliant, Sheldon.
37:05How are we gonna deploy it
37:06in Kripke's office?
37:07Already taken care of.
37:09Observe.
37:10This is a live shot
37:13of Kripke's lab
37:15via a mini webcam
37:16I was able to install
37:17thanks to a $1 donation.
37:19I was able to install thanks to a dollar bill discreetly placed in the night janitor's shirt pocket.
37:24At the same time, I also secured large quantities of these chemicals above the tiles in the drop ceiling.
37:31Sheldon, you remind me of a young Lex Luthor.
37:36You flatter me, sir.
37:39Let me guess, motion sensors?
37:41Yes. The reaction will be triggered when Kripke reaches the center of the room.
37:45Mwa ha ha.
37:50I gotta say, I am really impressed. This is truly the Sheldon Cooper way to get even.
37:55Pfft. Pfft.
38:02It may be low-tech, but I still maintain the whoopee cushion has comic validity.
38:07Here comes Kripke.
38:09Who is that with him?
38:11I believe that's the president of the university.
38:13And the board of directors.
38:14Abort! Abort!
38:15There is no abort.
38:16Well, how could you not put in an abort?
38:18I made a boo-boo, all right?
38:21I think the board will really appreciate how well we're using that NSA grant, President Sieber.
38:25Right here we have a micro-controlled plasma...
38:35Wow. Looks like the Ganges on laundry day.
38:41At least they don't know it was you.
38:43Hello, Kripke.
38:46This classic prank comes to you from the malevolent mind of Sheldon Cooper.
38:52If you'd like to see the look on your stupid face, this video is being instantly uploaded to YouTube.
38:59Oh, and a hat tip to Leonard Hofstadter and Raj Koothrappali
39:04for their support and encouragement in this enterprise.
39:10Well, I'm going back to India. What's your plan?
39:12Please, Sheldon.
39:14I'm a lost Indian boy far from home, and I want a girlfriend, and I want her to be Abby,
39:19and she'll only come over if she can bring Martha.
39:21Raj, I highly doubt there is any argument you can make,
39:24threat you might levy, rhetorical strategy, plea, invocation, supplication, or...
39:31Vetomas, that you can employ that would convince me to reconsider.
39:42My incredible hulk hands signed by Stan Lee.
39:56Oh, my.
40:13Oh, I've admired these for years.
40:18Does that mean we can go over the goals again?
40:21Hulk agreed to second date with Beauty Humans.
40:28You can't wear the hands on the date.
40:33Hulk sad.
40:35Boy, seems like forever since the four of us have been out to eat, you know, just the guys.
40:40Oh, God, yes, we get it. You have a girlfriend now.
40:45A little jealous, are we?
40:47No, I'm not jealous.
40:51All right, I'd kill a hobo if he'd get me laid. Now, can we order?
40:55Oh, dear Lord, they redid the menu.
40:59So what? It's the same food.
41:01Oh, is it? Look at this.
41:02General Tso's chicken is no longer listed under specialties. It's now under chicken.
41:08Tso?
41:09Yes, General Tso.
41:10But not Tso the chicken, Tso the question.
41:16Tso?
41:18Tso. Why is it no longer a specialty?
41:21Did the chef lose confidence in the dish or himself?
41:25And look over here, shrimp in mobster sauce.
41:30What is mobster sauce?
41:33It's obviously a typo.
41:34Perhaps.
41:35Or perhaps this restaurant's now a front for organized crime.
41:39After all, we know the mobster sauce contains actual chunks of deceased mobsters.
41:44No, no, no, no. I think it just means it's the kind of sauce that mobsters like.
41:49It doesn't mean any of that. It's a typo.
41:51You know what? Let's just get a pizza.
41:53Good idea. We'll go to Corleone's.
41:56Sure, no mobsters there.
41:58Backdoor has a five-pin tumbler system, single-circuit alarm, child's play.
42:04Wait, you can start sorting protons and neutrons while I build carbon atoms?
42:09No, I don't think so. We need to go home now.
42:13But I'm still working.
42:15If you don't come out of there, I'm gonna have to drag you out.
42:19You can try, but you'll never catch me.
42:26For God's sakes!
42:33Just come here!
42:35Bazinga.
42:39Bazinga.
42:42Bazinga.
42:45Bazinga.
42:48Bazinga.
42:53Just come here!
42:57Bazinga.
43:03Bazinga.
43:05Bazinga.
43:07Bazinga.
43:09Bazinga.
43:11Bazinga.
43:13Bazinga.
43:15Bazinga.
43:17Bazinga.
43:23Hey, Leonard, where do you come down on giant ants?
43:28Sheldon says impossible.
43:30Howard and I say not only possible, but as a mode of transportation, way cooler than a Batmobile.
43:36You are ignoring the square cube law.
43:38The giant ant would be crushed under the weight of its own exoskeleton.
43:42And for the record, the appropriate ranking of cool modes of transportation
43:45is jetpack, hoverboard, transporter, Batmobile, and then giant ant.
43:52Seriously?
43:53You have nothing better to do than sit around and discuss the possibility of giant ants?
43:57What's with him?
43:59Perhaps he's at a sensitive point in his monthly cycle.
44:04Are you saying he's manstrating?
44:09Not literally.
44:11But as far back as the 17th century,
44:13scientists observed a 33-day fluctuation in men's hormone levels.
44:17Interesting.
44:19That might explain my weepy days in the middle of the month.
44:24You know what I'm talking about.
44:27Of course.
44:29I've taken the liberty of having these made for our rematch.
44:33The Wesley Crushers?
44:35No, not the Wesley Crushers.
44:37The Wesley Crushers.
44:39I don't get it.
44:41Wesley Crusher was Willow Eaton's character on Star Trek.
44:43Still don't get it.
44:45It's a blindingly clever play on words.
44:47By appropriating his character's name and adding the S,
44:49we imply that we'll be the Crushers of Wesley.
44:52Okay, I'm sorry henny, but the Wesley Crushers
44:54sounds like a bunch of people who like Wesley Crusher.
44:56But, no.
44:58Again, it's not the Wesley Crushers,
45:00it's the Wesley Crushers.
45:07If you wanted to mean you're crushing Wesley,
45:09it would be the Wesley Crushers.
45:11But, do you think people even hear yourself?
45:13It's not the Wesley Crushers,
45:15it's not the Wesley Crushers,
45:17it's the Wesley Crushers!
45:19I'm sorry, henny,
45:21Hey, look! They named their team after me.
45:25No, it's not...
45:27Never mind.
45:29Canceled my visa.
45:31Oh, yay! A new MasterCard!
45:35Uh-oh.
45:37What?
45:39I was going to get my mail.
45:41Okay.
45:43Are you hoping to get it telepathically?
45:47I think you mean telekinetically.
45:51And no.
45:53I just wasn't sure of the proper protocol
45:55now that you and Leonard are no longer having coitus.
45:57Oh, God, can we please just say
45:59no longer seeing each other?
46:01Well, we could if it were true.
46:03But as you live in the same building,
46:04you see each other all the time.
46:06A variable which has changed is the coitus.
46:10Okay, here's the protocol.
46:12You and I are still friends,
46:13and you stop saying coitus.
46:16Good. I'm glad we're still friends.
46:19Oh, yes.
46:20It was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life.
46:22I'd hate for that effort to have been in vain.
46:26Right.
46:27Just to be clear,
46:28do I have to stop saying coitus with everyone,
46:31or just you?
46:33Everyone.
46:35Say hello to your mother for me.
46:36Okay.
46:42What?
46:45You said you were going for a walk.
46:47I didn't say outside.
46:51So, what, you're just gonna walk up and down the stairs?
46:54No, of course not.
46:57That would be odd and suspicious behavior.
47:00Here, Ruffles.
47:02Here, boy.
47:03Which way are you going?
47:04Which way are you going?
47:06I parked my scooter down the block.
47:08I'm going the other way. Bye.
47:11Bye.
47:13Actually, I'm this way.
47:17Do I smell hot dogs?
47:18No.
47:19I mean, I have no idea what you smell.
47:22I definitely smell raw hot dogs.
47:25Perhaps you're getting a brain tumor.
47:28All right.
47:29Have a nice walk.
47:30Bye, Chow.
47:31Have a nice scoot.
47:35You might want to stand back.
47:36I'm sitting on top of 13 horses here.
47:44Beep, beep.
47:50Oh, hello, doggie.
47:52Nice doggie.
47:55I bet you think you smell hot dogs.
48:00Look, a cat.
48:07Penny?
48:09Penny?
48:14Penny?
48:18Here.
48:22I had to trade the others for my life.
48:25I'll be playing host to Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton.
48:28The cosmological physicist from Princeton?
48:31Yes.
48:32And until you acquire a surgical mask,
48:34please address your comments to me through a napkin.
48:37We've been corresponding for years
48:39about our mutual interest in gravitational wave signatures
48:42of inflatons in the early universe,
48:44and now she's under consideration for a position at our university.
48:48Why didn't you tell me you knew Elizabeth Plimpton?
48:50I am a huge fan of hers.
48:53I didn't realize I was obligated to share my connection
48:55with things you're a fan of, but very well.
48:57You enjoy Canadian bacon?
48:59I've been to Toronto.
49:01Okay, fine.
49:02Where is she going to sleep?
49:03My room, of course.
49:05Holy crap!
49:09Holy crap!
49:12I have a two-part question.
49:14Go ahead.
49:15A, are you kidding me?
49:17And B, seriously, are you freaking kidding me?
49:21A, I rarely kid, and B, when I do kid,
49:24you will know it by my use of the word bazinga.
49:28So you're saying the two of you are going to be sleeping in the same bed?
49:32Yes.
49:34Bazinga.
49:39Yes?
49:40I'm Leonard Hofstetter.
49:41I called you about the apartment.
49:42You said to come by...
49:43I know what I said.
49:44I know what you said.
49:45I know what my mother said on March 5, 1992.
49:49What is the sixth noble gas?
49:51What?
49:52You said you're a scientist.
49:53What is the sixth noble gas?
49:56Radon?
49:58Are you asking me or telling me?
50:01Telling you.
50:05Telling you.
50:07All right.
50:08Next question.
50:09Kirk or Picard?
50:11Oh, well, that's tricky.
50:14Original series over Next Generation, but Picard over Kirk.
50:19Correct.
50:21You've passed the first barrier to roommatehood.
50:25You may enter.
50:27Wow, this is pretty nice.
50:36The bedrooms are back there?
50:38That depends.
50:39I don't understand.
50:40Their existence is conditional?
50:43No, but your ability to perceive their existence is conditional on you passing the second and third barriers.
50:49There's three?
50:50Each more daunting than the last.
50:54Have a seat.
50:55Okay.
50:57No, that's where I sit.
51:00Explain the couch.
51:02Well, there were some people on the first floor moving out, and they sold it to me for $100.
51:06Howard and Raj helped me bring it up.
51:07But what's wrong with the furniture we have?
51:10They're lawn chairs.
51:13And there was no place for company.
51:15Did it occur to you that was by design?
51:19According to the roommate agreement, I'm entitled to allocate 50% of the cubic footage of the common areas.
51:24But you didn't notify me by email, so this is still a breach.
51:28I did notify you.
51:30Oh, you did, did you?
51:48Drat.
51:51Hoisted by my own spam filter.
51:54What am I doing in your spam folder?
51:56I put you there after you forwarded me a picture of a cat playing the piano entitled, This is Funny.
52:01When I gloat over the failure of this enterprise, how would you prefer I do it?
52:05The standard I told you so?
52:06With a classic neener-neener?
52:08Or just my normal look of haughty derision?
52:13You don't know we're wrong yet.
52:15As derision it is.
52:18Excuse me, I'm Amy Farrah Fowler, you're Sheldon Cooper.
52:22Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler.
52:24I'm sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely.
52:31Additionally, I'm being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.
52:35If that was slang, I'm unfamiliar with it.
52:39If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery.
52:44Likewise, I'm here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year.
52:48Interesting.
52:50My mother and I have the same agreement about church.
52:53I don't object to the concept of a deity, but I'm baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance.
52:59And then you might want to avoid East Texas.
53:03Noted.
53:04Now before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact up to and including coitus are off the table.
53:12May I buy you a beverage?
53:16Tepid water, please.
53:26Good God, what have we done?