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00:00I was just 16 when I appeared on X Factor and suddenly became known to so
00:07many people and though I didn't realize it then within four years I would be an
00:12alcoholic thankfully I'm an active recovery but the number of alcohol
00:19related deaths among women in Northern Ireland is at an all-time high and
00:24increasing faster here than anywhere else in the UK with medical experts expressing
00:32alarm at the increase in consumption of alcohol by young women alcohol abuse is
00:38costing the public here a staggering 900 million pounds every year hey guys so I'm
00:44working on a really really exciting project my fans have been incredible
00:48through my continued journey out of addiction if you are in active addiction
00:52recovery concerned about your drinking or just rethinking your relationship with
00:57alcohol then please hit me up but why are so many young women's coming to alcohol
01:03abuse what are their stories and what can they do to fight their addictions I want
01:11to reach out and discover what's happening with young women and alcohol
01:22this is the full X Factor edition I did back in 2011 it's actually been so long since I watched this that I
01:52I forgot just how much of a baby I was when I did it like I didn't realize like 16 was like that young to do a show like that
01:59I didn't realize like 16 was like that young to do a show like that
02:03your song the song I still sing to this day honest to God there's not a gig goes by where people don't ask for that
02:17you can literally see how petrified I am the whole way through this
02:28for me the X Factor was in equal parts the best decision of my life and the hardest part of my life
02:35for me the X Factor was in equal parts the best decision of my life and the hardest part of my life
02:43I was a child I was 16 and it was terrifying like there's no way to prepare yourself for your life changing overnight there's no way to prepare yourself for getting online abuse from adults it was
02:50hard you know if I was to open up in those days I'm really struggling I'm really struggling arm
02:55I'm trying to realize it was hard and flowing for me and I'm struggling to face when I'm worried about the
03:05things that I love you or me because I actually worked with that news that you couldn't settle down
03:15Wenn ich in die Zeit zu öffnen und sagen, oh, ich bin wirklich zufrieden, dass ich wirklich
03:21hilfreich bin, oder dass ich wirklich zufrieden war, dass ich wirklich zufrieden war, dass ich
03:27wirklich zu leben war, die Dialog um die Mentalität nicht mehr war.
03:33Ich habe es einfach nie gesagt, ich habe es private, ich habe es buried, tief in der Zeit.
03:40At the time of leaving the show and doing all of the gigs and touring and travelling,
03:45I had good money at the time.
03:49I drank it all.
03:51So I started as someone who drank to overcome social anxiety,
03:57to feel comfortable in my own skin.
04:00You know, you're the life of the party kind of thing when you've had a drink.
04:04But eventually it stops being fun.
04:06You know, I drank myself out of fun into dependence and ruined it for myself, essentially.
04:13I just made my life a living hell.
04:15And I made the life of everyone around me,
04:18who was trying to like work for me or work with me, a living hell and a living misery as well.
04:24I remember my mum cry screaming at me once, just being like,
04:35how does it feel to be 19 and be an alcoholic?
04:43And she just, she was at her breaking point.
04:46She was just waiting on the phone call to say that I'd passed away.
04:56That now, as a sober person, is absolutely just a disgusting and sad and terrifying thought.
05:06And I can't imagine being a mother trying to navigate that world.
05:10So that was the reality, she was just waiting for that phone call.
05:23Although my story feels unique to me,
05:25I know that an increasing number of women have had similar experiences.
05:31I've come to Bangor to meet 25-year-old Zoe, who was an addict by the time she was 18.
05:36Hiya. Hello, how are you?
05:40I'm good, thank you. How are you doing?
05:41Yeah, good. Do you want to look good?
05:42Oh, thank you.
05:47Where did your addiction story start?
05:49So I was quite young, about 13, 14, I started dabbling.
05:54I came from a really strict school in England.
05:57My mum moved me over here for a better way of life.
06:01Yeah.
06:02It just didn't go to plan.
06:04No.
06:05So it didn't.
06:06She always tried to do right by me, she did.
06:09But she was very strict and very by the book.
06:14And I think that's why I rebelled as much as I did.
06:17Do you think the move had any impact on your drinking and using?
06:21Definitely.
06:22I definitely tried to make myself likeable.
06:26Yeah.
06:27You know, to fit in.
06:28Because I was the new girl, you know, new girl in school, new girl in a different country.
06:33You know, I was stripped away from everything and everyone that I ever knew.
06:38It just got worse the older I got.
06:41I completely flunked school.
06:44That was when I then started on the legals.
06:48So I was smoking legal highs.
06:51I was taking like microdots, legal highs, going to raves.
06:56And I was trying to forget the dark thoughts and the demons in my head and mask them with something that made me feel good.
07:06And then that was when I went really downhill between 16, 17.
07:13I was going between, like, sleeping rough, friends' sofas, strangers' sofas.
07:24And, yeah, I'd done a bit of time on the streets.
07:28I've had people walk past and spit on me.
07:31I've had people walk past and kick me.
07:33I've had, you know, just for the crack, just because they can, you know.
07:38I've done unthinkable things like stealing and all and burnt so many bridges with people that you feel like you can't come back from.
07:53Yeah, things can get quite dark and scary quite quick.
07:59I look back now and I'm like, I don't know how I'm still alive, if I'm being honest.
08:05We would have drank up on the pier, like up on these wee bits.
08:11And then, but if we were going to take anything, we would have gone under there.
08:17You would have actually gone under the bridge to use?
08:20Yeah.
08:21Wow.
08:22See, because it's on the doorstep.
08:24It's not the first time I've been down, you know, since.
08:27Yeah.
08:28But it's obviously the first time coming back and reminiscing about the bad times.
08:33Yeah.
08:34Yeah.
08:35They weren't really good, were they?
08:36Oh.
08:37Well, they were at the time, I think.
08:38Yeah.
08:39At the time, you think everything's, everything's good and everything's great.
08:42And it's not until you come out of it and you get the help and you realise, no, actually that was, that was way worse than you could even explain to anyone, you know.
08:52I do have mental health problems.
08:56I have BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder.
08:59Because I'm the same, I have the BPD.
09:01Yeah.
09:02Yeah.
09:03I'm on anti-psychotics now, which sounds scary, yeah.
09:09No, I know the feeling because I'm currently on anti-psychotics myself.
09:13Yeah.
09:14Yeah.
09:15So, you know.
09:16Whenever you're first told, like, you have to go on anti-psychotics, you're like, am I okay?
09:19I'm psychotic.
09:20Am I okay?
09:21Yeah.
09:22And yeah, it was, it was really, it was daunting, it was scary, but see, since being on them, I do feel like a different person.
09:33I see things differently.
09:35I am not as irrational.
09:38I'm not as impulsive.
09:40That's a big one.
09:42Yeah.
09:43When you've got mental health problems as well, which most people with addiction issues have.
09:48They kind of do, yeah.
09:49Yeah.
09:50You're battling not only the addiction, but you're battling your mental health at the same time.
09:55At the same time.
09:56And it is just like...
09:57You don't know what one to listen to.
09:58Yeah.
09:59But I've worked hard to...
10:01You have, and it shows.
10:02To get to where I am today, and I'm glad it does show because, you know, for the first time in a good chunk of my life, I'm able to say I'm proud of myself.
10:16You know, I've been through shit in the past, but I've came out of it at the other end.
10:21You know, I've...
10:22I have, and I've done it.
10:24Yeah.
10:25I'm almost fine.
10:26You know...
10:27Don't!
10:28You'll set me off.
10:33Zoe's story has really struck a chord with me.
10:35She's still such a young woman, but has already gone through some really tough times.
10:40Above all, I'm impressed by her resilience, and ability to ask for help at such a young age, and the way she is faced up to issues around her mental health.
10:49Something that, like me, she had to do in order to confront her addiction.
10:55I got a message from a girl called Tamsin, who has said, I don't know if you'll see this message, but I've seen your post about addiction, about telling people their stories.
11:07My mommy also struggled with addiction, mainly alcoholism.
11:10I live in Derry, and I would love to tell you my story sometime.
11:14Oh, she said, my mommy actually passed away this year on the 16th of January due to addiction.
11:24That's really sad.
11:26Hey, Tamsin.
11:31Thanks so much for reaching out.
11:36Love to talk.
11:40So sorry to hear about your mom.
11:52Do you want to talk to me?
11:56Since her mom died, 18-year-old Tamsin has been helping her dad to raise her two younger sisters.
12:02But I'm so glad she's reached out to me.
12:05I actually messaged Janet. I messaged her.
12:08She said, I'm looking forward to meeting her.
12:11And I didn't think she would get back to me, would she?
12:16I remember when she came on The X Factor, and she sung your song by Elton John, and oh my God, I fell in love with it.
12:23You know, her voice singing that song would just match so well.
12:28And my mommy actually took me to The X Factor to her.
12:34My mommy always felt really bad because she had a wee fall because she drunk a wee bit too much.
12:40But that's the one that ate my mommy up too for doing that to me.
12:43But I remember seeing Janet on The X Factor.
12:48The box even smells like her. I swear, I can smell her. Her perfume.
13:00My mommy only ever wanted three babies, so Elton John was our last wee child to be born. Elton John was our wee baby.
13:12My daddy's all smiley.
13:14They have three years.
13:16We were just all so happy.
13:18Our family jigsaw was completed.
13:20We were whole. We had everything in.
13:23The main thing we had was each other.
13:26She tried countless times to get help, but when I went to rehab centres, she went to a while out of counselling as well.
13:39And I remember she saying to me too loads and loads of times that I don't want to be this way and I just want to be sober.
13:46I just don't want this kind of life. A life that's so similar to hell. I don't want it.
13:58The last post she ever replied to on the 2nd of January was actually my post.
14:02I wrote on her wall, love you mommy. And then she wrote wee hearts under it for wee hearts and wee eggs.
14:09I kept writing on her wall just in case she grabbed her phone and was like, looking for your Facebook.
14:15And I put up another wee post.
14:18Me and the two girls love you more than you will ever know. Our rock.
14:22A wee picture of me and my sisters and my mommy.
14:24And another one. This is the 13th of January now.
14:27Your girls love you more than you know. Just hoping she would see it.
14:33And something would change. Just something wouldn't happen.
14:45The day my mommy died, I got a phone call. It was from my two cousins.
14:51They were screaming on the phone, crying. They were all, think your mommy's dead.
14:57So I jumped out of the car and ran down and I was all, where's my mommy?
15:02I went down to the living room and there my mommy was just sitting lifeless on the sofa.
15:09I just rushed over there and hugged her and kissed her and I just couldn't believe it.
15:17Like all my family sitting round her and...
15:20I don't want to have that life, no.
15:25When I have wings on my own, I don't want my wings to see what I had to see.
15:30Because I shouldn't have seen it.
15:40Hiya. Hi.
15:41So nice to finally meet you.
15:42You too.
15:43How you doing?
15:44Good.
15:45Hi, all good. We're good.
15:47So when it comes to addiction, how do you feel towards it?
15:51Are you angry at it?
15:53Are you upset at it?
15:55Like what's your main feeling when you think about what addiction's done to your life?
16:00I'm all kind of mixed emotions.
16:02Some days I'll be angry.
16:03Some days I'll be so upset.
16:07But the main one is kind of anger because it took my mommy.
16:11You feel a wee bit out of sync with the world.
16:14Like you don't know...
16:15Like with my mommy going now, it feels like you don't know your kind of purpose.
16:19Mm-hmm.
16:20Because she's not here and...
16:22I just...
16:23I don't find myself at all.
16:25Yeah.
16:26And what responsibilities have you been left now since your mommy passed away?
16:30My two wee sisters are my main responsibility.
16:34Like they're eleven and eight.
16:36Wow.
16:37Younger then?
16:38Aye, really young.
16:40I don't know what happened to them.
16:42Yeah.
16:43So what kind of alcoholic was your mom?
16:45When I say about seven or eight a weekend drink,
16:50drinking a Saturday movie,
16:52the old wee day and the weekdays if she wasn't doing anything
16:55or hadn't nothing to do.
16:58But then it just progressed.
16:59I felt more.
17:01When she drunk, it was hardcore.
17:02She would drink folky, like liter bottles, ten glasses of...
17:07And she would drink raw folky to get that quicker hit.
17:10Yeah.
17:11She would barely mix it.
17:12Mm.
17:13And she would just have your childhood years back.
17:17It's annoying.
17:18Like I had to go up too quickly.
17:20And even my mommy said that to me before when she was here.
17:22Like she knows herself that I had to go up too quickly.
17:26I shouldn't have like...
17:27I had to see stuff that no one should see.
17:30Yeah.
17:31How did it feel for you to watch the damage your mom was doing?
17:35Not only to your family, but also like physically to herself?
17:39You just feel helpless.
17:42You have to sit in the sight lines, you know.
17:44But you try and try with your love.
17:47Sometimes your love just...
17:48I can't make it happen.
17:49I can't make her be the person you want to be.
17:52But I still showed my love anyway.
17:54I was angry at times, of course.
17:56It was sad.
17:57As I said again, all mixed emotions when my mommy was drinking.
18:02But the main thing I had to show was love still.
18:05Hmm.
18:06It's difficult to hear it from the other perspective.
18:08And just how quickly you've had to grow up.
18:11In comparison to me just constantly trying to be a child and just drink myself silly.
18:15Like, it's...
18:17It's really tough.
18:18And I just really feel for you.
18:19And like...
18:21I don't even know how that responsibility must feel for you.
18:25I'm just absolutely blown away with how strong she is through all of that.
18:39Through the years of exposure to alcoholism from such a young age.
18:44Like, how she can be so...
18:47Not just eloquently spoken with her feelings towards it.
18:50But how she's, you know, still managing to keep it together.
18:54Like, I just...
18:55Like, I can't even imagine what she's...
18:57What she's actually been through.
18:58Because I've only ever been on the other side of it.
19:00You know?
19:19Hearing stories about other people's alcoholism.
19:21Or how alcoholism has affected them in their life.
19:24Is actually one of the best things for an alcoholic to be exposed to.
19:28Because it reminds you that you are literally just an arm's length away.
19:33From causing that chaos in your own life again.
19:36So, in the spirit of honestly and candidly talking about experiences with alcoholism.
19:43I think it's only right that I sit down and talk to my own mother.
19:47About how I impacted her life.
19:50Because it's very easy for me to sit here and talk about how it affected mine.
19:54Whereas realistically, like, alcoholism is a family illness.
19:58And it really, really did impact those closest to me.
20:01And my mum being probably the biggest person I hurt.
20:04This is the Gorchun Glen.
20:18And we are around a mile away from Gorchun.
20:23Which is where I grew up.
20:25well there.
20:30Gides, look.
20:36Is the living village more interesting?
20:41Oh, hello.
20:45How do you look?
20:48Oh, I missed you.
20:49Ja.
20:56Every alcoholic is capable of lying.
21:00It's just part and parcel of the disease.
21:03She was a professional liar in relation to drink, where drink was concerned.
21:10Would not admit to having a problem at all.
21:15I was left in a very sticky situation, because the manager would contact me, but there was
21:21very little I could do unless I was over there.
21:25Even then, sure.
21:26I mean, she was still hoodwinked me.
21:29There were so many of those phone calls from my manager to my mum, and obviously a lot
21:34of them that I wasn't privy to, I didn't know were going on at all.
21:40Everyone seemed to know I had a problem but me at the time.
21:43The way she was going on, I think you'd have thought that she had missed a couple of years
21:48and was making up as a teenager drinking.
21:53But then the phone calls became more, and the stories became more, and the list of drinking
21:59became more, and not turning up for sessions.
22:04And he'd be ringing me, I had a full-time job.
22:09There was many days a day, I had to leave, work, arrange a flight, and head straight to England.
22:20I was angry, I was cross, I was not out to get to this point in your life.
22:24And I suppose you just think, oh, there's a quick fix for it, but there's no quick fix
22:30for it.
22:33Whenever she hadn't been in touch for about three days, to me, she was at the house not
22:41answering the door.
22:42She could have been lying in her vomit, in that type of way.
22:45You know, she could have died.
22:50The fear always was there of death, eventually.
22:55You know, she didn't, she didn't seek help or get help.
23:02I suppose, in a way, I dealt with it the best I could.
23:06I think every mother wants the best for their child.
23:12I do still carry trauma and worry for Janet.
23:18There's just times that you wonder, is she okay, or will she revert back?
23:22You know, you just don't know.
23:24And I have my confidence in her, but there's always a piece in the back of your head thinking,
23:30is this trigger, is something triggered again?
23:34But, fair play sir, she hasn't, she hasn't done that.
23:44All I have is my story, and my experience, and how it actually was for me.
23:51There are so many ways I can film this intro, but the quickest one is just to say it and hi.
24:00I'm Janet, and I'm an alcoholic.
24:04So to finally, like, lift the veil and just tell people what my actual truth was, was the
24:10most liberating and freeing feeling ever.
24:13I knew I was an alcoholic when I was 20.
24:17The reaction was just so positive.
24:21There was definitely, like, a wave of people kind of maybe coming to the realization that
24:28they also had a problem from watching it.
24:32You empathize a lot with these people because you've also been there.
24:35I think one of the things I really liked about the comments was people that are getting sober
24:41are just like, oh, I'm one week sober.
24:43And just all the comments are just like, congratulations, that's so good.
24:47And I think that kind of stuff, like, warms my heart, because I just know, especially in
24:52those early days, like, how hard it is to get, like, a week or to get a month.
24:58And I just feel like the comments are so positive and so nice that it's like, I don't think they
25:03understand by responding to those comments and saying, well, Dawn, you've got this.
25:06Like, how much that means to someone in their early days of recovery, you know?
25:11It's hard going back over this time in my life.
25:25And the terrible thing is that many others have similar experiences.
25:30I'm in Belfast to meet 31-year-old Sian.
25:33Like me, her recovery started in a rehab program.
25:36So I want to hear what life is like for her after rehab.
25:39And how she's coping with her sobriety.
25:42What's the most you've been in the day, Thais?
25:46Yes.
25:47Yeah.
25:48Because you can't get any more.
25:49It's basically, I go to the gym too, because I'm not a really good sleeper.
25:52But I'm still stuck in the routine from rehab, getting up at quarter past six every morning.
25:57Yep, yep.
25:58And then having to do, because I never understood it.
26:00And then I was like, why is this at this time?
26:02Am I for you to do this?
26:03Am I allowed to do that?
26:04Because addicts have never had routines in a long time.
26:06Yeah.
26:07And it was all because of the routine, and I'm still getting up at that time.
26:10Do you like the routine?
26:11Yeah.
26:12Because I love routine.
26:13So do I.
26:14Yeah.
26:15Because people feel very trapped by routine, but I feel like addicts feel like...
26:16You need routine.
26:17You're like, oh my god, this is...
26:18You need it because then, obviously, addiction.
26:20Or when I drank.
26:22You just went by the day as long as you had a drink.
26:24Yeah.
26:25Literally.
26:26There was no routine then.
26:27You ready?
26:28Yeah.
26:29Awesome.
26:30Did you get your water?
26:31Yeah.
26:32Do you want to...
26:33See, I put the incline up.
26:35No really high.
26:36So I just put it right up to the...
26:39It was hot.
26:43Growing up, I gave my mummy a hard time.
26:45I know I did.
26:46I just went completely off the rails before I had the kids.
26:50And then my last week before I went into rehab, I didn't want to be here.
26:55Yeah.
26:56I was like, no.
26:57And there's no way out of this.
27:00And I made a self-referral myself.
27:02Yeah.
27:03And because of the lockdown, they were like, someone not taking anybody in it to me.
27:07And I was like, please, take me in.
27:09Yeah.
27:10I had them tortured, Janet, like.
27:11Mm-hmm.
27:12See, when I went in, they were like, can you remember phoning me, like, grand luck?
27:15And I was like, no.
27:16Oh, yeah.
27:17But it's been the best outcome ever, like.
27:20Yeah.
27:24At the end there, I was drinking in the mud and giving myself time to have a hunger.
27:28I was drinking straight as soon as I woke up again.
27:31Yeah.
27:32It was really, really bad.
27:34I always made sure I looked okay whenever I was drinking.
27:37But then when I looked back at pictures, I was like, because I started losing my hair
27:43and my skin was going a really bad color.
27:45And then when I looked back, I do feel really sad at how bad it ended up because I was actually
27:53secretly drinking as well.
27:54I was letting on I wasn't drinking.
27:57Yeah.
27:58So I was heading it in, like, the cupboards.
28:00Yeah.
28:01And then in rehab, I did have to feel like I grieved over alcohol a little bit because I
28:06I felt like I'd lost a friend.
28:07Yeah.
28:08Because I depended on it so much.
28:09You mourned.
28:10Yeah.
28:13I couldn't see the kids for three months or my family because of lockdown.
28:18So you got, like, one 15-minute phone call a week.
28:21Wow.
28:22I looked forward every single week for that one phone call off the kids.
28:25So what's your answer?
28:27I had to build about a new life soon as I got out of rehab.
28:30Everything was so different.
28:31And I was very emotional for weeks at the start where I didn't want to go out.
28:35Yeah.
28:36I think that just hurt me the most because people think when you go into rehab, you come
28:40out cured.
28:41You're done.
28:42Yeah, I know.
28:43It's when the hard work starts because you have to surround yourself around the alcohol
28:47because it's everywhere.
28:50Because I had a funeral a few months back and it was my first time going into a bar setting
28:56and I only lasted an hour of sweat and stuff.
28:59And I was like, Mummy, I have to go.
29:02She was like, right, okay.
29:03Yeah.
29:04I just left.
29:05So did you just have to do that though?
29:06You just have to remove yourself from a situation?
29:08Yeah.
29:09It's so, so hard.
29:10One of the hardest things I've ever done going in there, but it's the best thing I've ever done.
29:14It's quite shocking to hear someone as strong and physically fit as Sian talk about how alcohol
29:27damaged her body, damage that she could see in her own skin and hair.
29:33I want to find out more about the harm young women like her and I are doing to their bodies.
29:38So I've come to the Royal Victoria Hospital in Belfast where one of our leading liver consultants
29:43has voiced his concern about the growing number of women here suffering from alcohol related diseases.
29:52Would you say you've seen a rise in young women coming in to get help?
29:56Yes, certainly over the last number of years, there's definitely a sense that the number of young ladies
30:03we're seeing presenting alcohol related harm in our hospitals is on the increase.
30:08There's no doubt about that, you know.
30:10And in the cases that we tend to see on the liver unit here in the Royal, often the patients
30:19will be at a very advanced stage of liver disease.
30:22Many of them will present with jaundice, issues with fluid retention, complications of liver cirrhosis,
30:35such as a condition known as encephalopathy, where they have drysiness and confusion as a consequence of liver disease.
30:44Increasingly, one of the big presentations we're seeing is alcohol related brain damage,
30:49where patients are drinking so excessively that it leads to chronic damage to the brain.
30:56What is the recommended amount of alcohol?
30:59They're recommended for both men and women. The aim should be to drink less than 14 units of alcohol per week,
31:06aiming to have two to three alcohol-free days a week with that.
31:11We see cases where ladies have little awareness of what safe levels of alcohol consumption are.
31:21I think that the sense for a lot of young people is maybe they feel to a certain extent they're invincible
31:26and they can abuse their bodies with alcohol without suffering the consequences, you know,
31:34and unfortunately in many cases it has a consequence, both in terms of the physical and mental health of the patient.
31:44It is frightening to hear from a consultant how much physical harm alcohol does to our bodies,
31:58never mind to our lives, families and relationships.
32:02I wonder what harm I did to my body and if I'm still living with that damage.
32:06And is it something that could come back to haunt me in the future?
32:14Along with my mum, my manager Rick saw my worst days of addiction.
32:20I want to find out how my alcoholism impacted him.
32:25Completely oblivious.
32:27Me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just like...
32:30That's how I first met you.
32:32I couldn't speak to anyone in those days.
32:34I just, like, talking to another human being was, like, so terrifying.
32:40When I watched your VT, this little girl sat, you know, quite flower fairy,
32:46which I know everyone still sees that audition tape and it still does well
32:51because they still think you're that 16-year-old pixie.
32:53Yeah.
32:54But I got sucked in. I saw it and I thought, wow, this picture...
32:59I just pictured this... just this pure being writing poems
33:04and writing songs in the middle of nowhere in Ireland.
33:12When I look back at the footage of you on tour...
33:15Yeah.
33:16...back then, I think we were so busy with you and it was just so...
33:20There was so much going on.
33:22...we were so just going that when I look back now...
33:25I said to myself the other day, I was like,
33:27how did I not see how ill you were?
33:30Like that, when you were proper, like, anorexic...
33:32Yeah.
33:33...and I can see it and I look in your little legs and your little waist
33:36and I'm like, oh, my God.
33:41At the time, I was self-harming and I couldn't cover my scars.
33:43I just... I was so out of it that I forgot to cover them.
33:46Yeah.
33:47Every bit of media we had to do...
33:50I had to, you know, warn them about your scars...
33:54Yeah.
33:55...and constantly trying to make sure that in an edit,
33:59everything was taken out for you and...
34:02It was definitely dark at that... that period.
34:06I honestly, at that point, didn't have the energy to live.
34:09I remember you were living with me at the time,
34:14because when things had gone so...
34:16South.
34:17...so south, it was like you've got one option,
34:19which is to move in with me and my wife.
34:23I said to Kat, like, I'm not qualified for this.
34:26There's something mental health happening here,
34:28but I don't know enough about mental health.
34:30But I remember you saying, I need you to make me busy.
34:34Yeah.
34:35I remember you were always like, when I'm busy...
34:37I don't have time to self-destruct.
34:39Exactly.
34:40And I got that.
34:41And it didn't get better.
34:42It didn't get better.
34:43Even, like, coming home and, like, you know,
34:46I used to have to send Kat into your bedroom
34:48to sort of see if you were right.
34:50Yeah.
34:51Because sometimes you'd, like, pass out naked and stuff on the bed.
34:53Yeah.
34:54It's just really scary and really dark.
34:55I know.
34:56We'd find bits of sick around the house.
34:58Yeah.
34:59The bin down the street was where you'd put your...
35:01Where I put the braids, yeah.
35:02So we'd kind of know if you were, if you'd been on a bender,
35:07then we could make sure you were okay.
35:09Yeah.
35:10That night.
35:11It's fucking dark, man.
35:12It's so dark.
35:13It's so dark.
35:14It's so dark.
35:19To try and create something for an artist who's kind of beamed out
35:24is stressful.
35:25Throw in Janet living my fault,
35:30bringing the artist into my family home,
35:33that then involves my wife.
35:36I'm a, I'm a fucking maniac when it comes to my job.
35:51And it's fine.
35:52But it is hard when you dump that pressure on someone else.
35:59It did affect our relationship.
36:09But, um...
36:16Got more respect for her.
36:18For her, yeah.
36:19So...
36:29I don't know how they survived that.
36:32I really, really don't.
36:34And I don't know how...
36:38I put them through it.
36:39Like...
36:41But I kind of do,
36:42because I just know that I didn't want to live.
36:45It's as simple as that.
36:50It just felt like I wasn't built for this earth in some way.
36:54The...
36:57Almost dying...
37:00Got so exhausting.
37:02Like, it was tiring...
37:05To...
37:07Try and take my life on numerous occasions...
37:10And wake up.
37:13That feeling of...
37:16Failure...
37:18Just exhausts you to your bones and to your core.
37:21Because you just feel so...
37:25Hopeless.
37:27So...
37:28Worthless.
37:30That what's the point?
37:31What is the point in getting better?
37:34And it's just the truth that...
37:37Alcoholism will...
37:39Take lives.
37:41And it doesn't matter like...
37:42How high up that pecking order you are.
37:44It will take...
37:45Your life away from you if you let it.
37:51I didn't realize it at the time.
37:52But I can see now that my mental health...
37:53Played a massive role in my addiction to alcohol.
37:55But what's the relationship between the two?
37:57Where does one stop and the other begin?
37:59To find out more...
38:00I'm going to meet Dr. Donna Mullen...
38:01From the Royal College of Psychiatrists.
38:02So...
38:03When did you specifically go into...
38:04Psychiatry for addiction?
38:06Oh...
38:07About 2006.
38:09Alcohol-specific death rates...
38:10And...
38:11Alcohol-specific death rates...
38:12And...
38:13I can see now that my mental health...
38:14Played a massive role in my addiction to alcohol.
38:15But what's the relationship between the two?
38:16Where does one stop and the other begin?
38:18To find out more...
38:19I'm going to meet Dr. Donna Mullen...
38:20From the Royal College of Psychiatrists.
38:23So...
38:24When did you specifically go into...
38:26Psychiatry for addiction?
38:27Oh...
38:28About 2006.
38:30Alcohol-specific death rates...
38:32In women in Northern Ireland...
38:34Are now higher than they are in other parts of the UK.
38:38And they've increased by two thirds...
38:40Over the last 20 years.
38:42So they've increased by almost 66%...
38:45In the last 20 years.
38:48So we really do have a problem...
38:50In relation to women and alcohol here.
38:54And that is something that we need to address.
38:57There are higher rates of mental health issues...
39:00And personality disorders...
39:02And trauma...
39:03In the female patients coming through.
39:07For me...
39:08I personally have...
39:10Borderline personality disorder...
39:12And bipolar type 2.
39:14And...
39:15Yeah, both of those...
39:16You've got a collection?
39:17I've got a collection going.
39:18Yeah.
39:19So that meant that...
39:21You know, when I was younger...
39:22And when I was in active addiction...
39:24Like I...
39:25Couldn't differentiate between...
39:28Me and my mental illnesses...
39:29Because I didn't really know how to process them.
39:31So in...
39:33A way of like coping...
39:34Like I used alcohol to cope.
39:37We talk about like...
39:38Almost like the intrinsic link...
39:39Between...
39:40Mental health and addiction.
39:42And just how...
39:43Hand in hand those things go.
39:45Well, I don't really see the split.
39:47I suppose.
39:48That's the thing for me.
39:49As a psychiatrist working in addictions...
39:51You know, I...
39:52I consider it to be...
39:53A mental health issue.
39:55And I think that...
39:56The...
39:57The split is a bit artificial in some way.
39:59Because addiction is a mental health issue.
40:02And the two do...
40:03Come hand in hand.
40:05A lot of the time.
40:06You really do need to try to...
40:08To shatter the stigma.
40:10In a way.
40:11You know, because anybody...
40:12Could become dependent on alcohol.
40:14You know, all it takes is...
40:16Is drinking enough alcohol.
40:17Regularly enough to become...
40:19Physically dependent on it.
40:20But...
40:21Yeah.
40:22But you can also be emotionally...
40:23Dependent on it too.
40:24If you...
40:25Yeah.
40:26If you have a...
40:27You know, if you have...
40:28Mood swings.
40:29Yeah.
40:30Like you do with...
40:31With personality disorder.
40:33Then, you know, it...
40:34It's...
40:35It's very easily done.
40:40It took me a long time to seek help.
40:42And to realise how closely...
40:44My addiction was linked to my mental health.
40:46But seeing and treating them...
40:48As part of the same thing...
40:49Is a massive realisation for me.
40:52Addiction can take...
40:54Every ounce of good...
40:56That you have in your life.
40:57And it will take every ounce of good...
40:59From your life.
41:00I spent every...
41:03Ounce of my being...
41:05Portraying this idea...
41:07That everything was fine.
41:09When...
41:10Behind the scenes...
41:12I...
41:13Was...
41:14Broken.
41:19I'm really starting to understand...
41:21The different ways...
41:22An addict can damage the lives...
41:23Of those around them.
41:24Those who love them.
41:25And for Christine...
41:27In Newton Ards...
41:28Alcohol was to have...
41:30A devastating effect...
41:31On her family.
41:32In a way...
41:33That she could never...
41:34Have foreseen.
41:35It's...
41:36It blew my friends...
41:37But...
41:43At...
41:44My sister's...
41:45Funeral...
41:46I...
41:47Thought it would be a good idea...
41:48For everyone to wear...
41:49Purple...
41:50Or lilac...
41:51And...
41:52Just to kind of...
41:53Keep it bright...
41:54And...
41:55Instead of...
41:56You know...
41:57Black and dark...
41:58We wanted it to kind of...
41:59Resemble her...
42:00So everyone kind of...
42:01Associates Abbey...
42:02With purple and lilac now...
42:04She was...
42:06Really looking forward...
42:07To her 21st birthday...
42:10And...
42:11I just thought it was a big birthday...
42:13And instead of...
42:15Kind of being sad...
42:16We would...
42:17Kind of...
42:18And just have a celebration...
42:19Of her life...
42:26Our mum...
42:27Took her own life...
42:28Eight years ago...
42:29Um...
42:30Just...
42:31With...
42:32Something we've never got over...
42:36Towards the end...
42:37Mum's mental health...
42:38Was really really deteriorating...
42:40Um...
42:41And she...
42:42Would have drunk...
42:43A lot in the end...
42:44Mum's decision was...
42:46Based on alcohol...
42:48Um...
42:49It wasn't a sober decision...
42:51And...
42:52She was drunk...
42:55Abbey was only 11 at the time...
42:57A time where...
42:58She really needed her mum...
43:03I think when something like that...
43:04Happens to you...
43:05Um...
43:06You're never really the same person...
43:11Abbey...
43:12Um...
43:13Didn't have a problem with drink...
43:15At all...
43:17She had bad times...
43:18Um...
43:19The same as everyone...
43:20Um...
43:21Some days she missed my mum...
43:23Most days she would have missed my mum...
43:27She...
43:28Um...
43:29Went to a party...
43:30And...
43:31What happened to our mum...
43:34Happened...
43:35To another guy's mum...
43:37At the party...
43:38And...
43:39This was the topic of conversation...
43:41My sister...
43:44Um...
43:45Told...
43:46The guys...
43:47Um...
43:48In the party...
43:49A lie...
43:50That...
43:51Um...
43:52My dad...
43:53Was waiting on her...
43:54And...
43:55She left the party...
43:56And...
43:57Walked down the street a wee bit...
43:58And...
43:59Took her own life...
44:00She just literally...
44:01Got too much drink...
44:02And...
44:03Made a stupid decision...
44:04That wouldn't have happened...
44:05If she was sober...
44:06Abby was 20...
44:07Today's Abby's 21st birthday...
44:09Hi...
44:10How you doing?
44:11How are you?
44:12I'm not too bad...
44:13I'm not too bad...
44:14How you doing?
44:15Yeah...
44:16All good...
44:17Yeah...
44:18How long have you not had alcohol for now?
44:20So I got three years sober...
44:21And then I relapsed...
44:22And then now I've been sober...
44:23For almost three years again...
44:24That's crazy...
44:25Yeah...
44:26One or two glasses for me...
44:27Is fine...
44:28But...
44:29Getting drunk is kind of a no-go...
44:30I just don't feel safe even getting drunk...
44:32How long have you not had alcohol for now?
44:34So I got three years sober and then I relapsed
44:37and now I've been sober for almost three years again.
44:39That's crazy.
44:40Yeah.
44:42One or two glasses for me is fine,
44:44but getting drunk is kind of a no-go.
44:47I just don't feel safe even getting drunk.
44:50And would you say what happened stopped you from drinking?
44:53Definitely, yeah, I would be scared to be drunk.
44:55Yeah, because of how I feel inside at the minute,
45:00I would definitely be scared off the type of behaviour I would be
45:05if I was drunk.
45:07So yeah, definitely, it's just best to have a few glasses.
45:11For me, the alcohol made everything a million times worse.
45:15I already had a mood disorder, but I was pumping myself full of alcohol.
45:20So you just didn't want to be here, did you?
45:22No.
45:23I, on multiple occasions, drank so much
45:26that I tried to take my own life multiple times.
45:29There's only been one time in my life where I've tried to take my own life sober.
45:34And all the rest was through alcohol.
45:37Alcohol.
45:38Have you spoke to any family before that's lost?
45:41I've never sat down with someone who's actually lost someone.
45:44And I think as well, it's like the fear of me having to know
45:49that that's what I could have done to my family.
45:51It's crazy.
45:52And, like, you do know how much heartache that would cause, like, if you didn't wake up or...?
46:00I think, at the time, when I was trying to take my own life, I wasn't thinking about...
46:08Anyone else?
46:09Obviously, yeah.
46:10Yeah.
46:11Anyone else.
46:12It didn't matter.
46:13Yeah.
46:14The only way I could ever describe it to people was, like, my body felt like a burning building.
46:20And that existing was causing me so much pain that the only relief...
46:27I get that.
46:29...was to just jump out.
46:30I get that.
46:31And that's...
46:32That was the closest...
46:33Yeah.
46:34That was the thing that pushed me over the edge to, you know, try and take my own life.
46:39Yeah.
46:40I think, obviously now when I'm older, like, I just would have been passing that exact feeling.
46:47That exact feeling of living in a burning building onto, like, every one of my life.
46:52What you'd be leaving them in.
46:54Like, you don't think about it.
46:56At all.
46:58And I'm just really sad and just really sorry that you've had to go through that.
47:03The tragedy of Christine's story is hard to take in.
47:14And I'm so glad she is getting the support to cope with her grief.
47:18It makes me so thankful that I sought help and got into rehab and recovery
47:22before I totally ruined my own life or the lives of my family.
47:26There is definitely cultural implications as to why alcoholism can thrive here in Northern Ireland.
47:37Our nightlife is built around drinking.
47:42And you just have to ask yourself, if you're planning a night out with your friends
47:47and you plan it without booze, where are you going?
47:51There's not that many options.
47:54Even after six years, it's still weird to go out and not drink.
48:02You're almost, like, apologising for not drinking.
48:05You know what I mean?
48:06It's still very strange.
48:09So I think what's becoming more clear is listening to other women talk about their experiences of being a mum or losing their mum.
48:30It's almost like society has accepted that men can fall victim to alcoholism, but we refuse to see it in women.
48:40We refuse to acknowledge the impact that has on their lives.
48:45And just the things we expect women to do. We expect women to be good mums. We expect them to be all empathetic, all loving.
48:55I feel like there's a whole other level of pressure, a whole other level of stress.
49:00Even just getting pregnant, having a baby, trying to be an alcoholic addict and be a mother.
49:08Like, I can't even imagine. Because I already just see the stress I put on my mum.
49:13I can't even imagine trying to be a mum and be an addict at the same time.
49:18It's, yeah, it's just unreal.
49:32So I've come to Mahara to meet Imelda, who is brand new at the start of her recovery journey.
49:38And taking my own mind back to whenever I started, like, it is incredibly daunting.
49:44So I know exactly what she's going through.
49:48Hiya.
49:51You're very welcome.
49:52Oh, thank you so much.
49:58I started drinking when I was 16.
50:02I started going out quite early.
50:05Then it became like a binge drinking thing.
50:08So, every weekend, you know.
50:11But it was always social drinking.
50:13Then me and Jo got home together and started having, like, a seder at night before bed.
50:25And then I started drinking wine.
50:27And then I fell pregnant, like, three months after I moved into my house.
50:31My drinking got heavier after that.
50:33Fast forward about two more children.
50:35And they were emergency sections.
50:37My last child was actually born the day before my mum passed away.
50:41So it was really, really difficult.
50:44It was just, like, a year ago.
50:45So, and it was the very first COVID, so she didn't get to meet her or anything.
50:53It was really, really, really difficult.
50:55Since then, my drinking just escalated.
50:59It got dark.
51:01Drinking on my own to pass out.
51:04My children sort of suffered from that.
51:07Yeah.
51:08You know, they, because they've seen it.
51:12I felt like it got to the stage where I was winging it as a mummy.
51:16It was costing me more than money, basically.
51:18So, decided to go to AA.
51:21Gemma Rose.
51:23Here.
51:24You're tired today, aren't you?
51:26Yeah.
51:27I actually drank that night, the night that I came home.
51:33The night that I got the news that mummy had passed away.
51:39There wasn't much thought behind it.
51:41It was just what I was used to doing and to suppress how I was feeling.
51:47It was just, I didn't know what else to do.
51:52She was like the other half of me.
51:56How many days ago were you?
51:57If I'm being completely honest, two and a half weeks.
51:58But it nearly was the three.
51:59Um, this week I had a slip-up because, it wasn't Tuesday because, just something happened
52:17at work and then I went to AA on Wednesday and it got me back, you know, again.
52:24And I'm really just taking it each day as it comes now.
52:28I haven't actually decided yet whether I'm calling myself alcoholic or not.
52:33I don't know.
52:34I want to take control now.
52:37It controlled me for a long time.
52:39Yeah.
52:40That's an important thing, isn't it?
52:41Yeah.
52:42And I feel as if my mum was giving me strikes.
52:48I feel like she's with me all the time.
52:51Um, so, I miss her so much and I know she would want me to stop drinking.
52:57Yeah.
52:58Yeah.
52:59So, um, that's what I'm doing.
53:00And she's giving me signs that I'm on the right path.
53:03So, that's where I'm going.
53:04And I have her legacy to carry on.
53:06So, that's what I'm going to do.
53:07Yeah.
53:08That's amazing.
53:09I'm still early days.
53:19I'm also doing counselling now on a Sunday morning.
53:22Um, it's going really, really well.
53:24And I'm feeling strong at the minute.
53:29Don't beat myself up any more about, you know, as much about things.
53:34Because you have to be kind to yourself.
53:40I'm trying to do that.
53:43A lot of people laugh, lawyers.
53:59All the women I've met have gone to hell and back and not one of them travelled the same way.
54:08Zoe, Sian, Christine, Imelda, Tamsin.
54:13They've all either lost someone or nearly lost themselves through the destructive effects of the most socially acceptable drug in the world.
54:20But the one thing I have taken away from all of them is that we can survive.
54:25We can rebuild our lives.
54:28But to do so, we need at least two things.
54:31Hope.
54:32And help.
54:37I love how it looks.
54:38I think it's just beautiful.
54:40It's stunning.
54:42I'm glad I got butterflies on it.
54:45I got our favourite wee coat one day at a time.
54:48I'm just glad about it, like all of it.
54:51I do love getting up here, like, and seeing her.
54:54Because it's where I'm close to it.
54:56It's the closest place I am.
54:58There's a resting place.
55:00It's a home they know.
55:02We'll always remember.
55:03We're always going to remember anyway.
55:04Like, she'll be a hard person they forget.
55:06It's sad that it's all done.
55:09But I'm happy it's done.
55:10But I can't do it again for her.
55:12This is someone I have to stare at all my life now.
55:14And I'm glad it looks the way it is.
55:17I really am.
55:26If I'm being honest, I didn't ever think I would reach the age I am today.
55:33To think of a future is hard.
55:36I'm not going to lie.
55:38I would like to be happy, at least.
55:40Happy, comfortable, a bit wealthy.
55:45But I would just like to be able to look back and tell the grandkids a story that has a positive ending.
55:54You know?
55:55Yeah.
55:57Yeah.
56:12I've been in recovery now for almost six years.
56:16And it was the hardest but most liberating part of my life.
56:22I've said it before and I'll say it again.
56:24I was incredibly lucky that I had a great support system.
56:28I don't think I would have been able to do it without them.
56:31And I never would have thought I would proudly call myself an alcoholic one day.
56:38But I am.
56:45Society portrays the alcoholic very differently than how I see the alcoholic.
56:51I see the alcoholic as a person.
56:54With feelings, with a past, but with a present and a future.
57:00I just want people to see the alcoholic as a person with potential.
57:12I'm going to see the alcoholic as a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with a person with
57:42Untertitelung des ZDF für funk, 2017