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00:00You know,
00:29how people always say,
00:32how was your Christmas?
00:34And you always say,
00:36well, quiet,
00:38you know.
00:40Well, what else could it be when you're packed
00:42to the rafters with nosh, chronically
00:43plastered and sick on too many cigars?
00:48I mean, which of us feels like
00:50a disco dancing contest just now?
00:52Excuse me, am I by any chance
01:00talking to myself?
01:03Right.
01:04Well, there's one thing I'd just like to say.
01:06We have eaten all the pudding.
01:07I put ten sixpences in,
01:09and we've only accounted for eight.
01:11So someone's going to die of sixpence poisoning.
01:20Oh, well, this is a real firecracker
01:22of a Christmas then, isn't it?
01:25I'm going to open my presents.
01:27You can't.
01:28It isn't Christmas for three days.
01:30I don't care.
01:34It's our Christmas.
01:35We said before being engulfed by parentage
01:38that we would have our Christmas.
01:41And this is it.
01:43There's another reason you can't open your presents.
01:45What's that?
01:46You haven't got any.
01:47What's that, then?
01:51Scotch mist?
01:52What's that?
01:54From my mum's.
01:55Christmas people.
01:56What's Christmas people?
01:58People I never meet.
01:59Every Christmas,
02:00we just exchange unwanted gifts remotely,
02:03using my mum's as a dead letterbox.
02:07Who are they?
02:08Desmond and Joyce.
02:09Lovely couple.
02:10Last time I saw him,
02:12he was a lance corporal
02:13in the Royal Welsh Fusiliers.
02:15Probably a field marshal now.
02:17Lovely Auntie Jo.
02:24Now she really is history.
02:26I haven't seen her for years.
02:27I mean, remember what she looks like.
02:29She's probably grown a beard.
02:32When did you last see her?
02:34Oh, ages ago.
02:35Must have been...
02:37Gee, I don't think I've ever seen her.
02:39Well, I mean, I've kind of seen her spore.
02:41Little cairn of packets over the years.
02:44Perhaps she doesn't exist.
02:45Perhaps my mum made her up.
02:48Oh, don't be ridiculous.
02:49I mean, do you give her presents?
02:51Yeah.
02:51Well, there you are, then.
02:53Yes, but I just leave them at my mum's
02:54and collect these.
02:56I bet when my mother dies,
02:58I find a little pile of unwanted
02:59Stratton compacts,
03:01toilet bags and initialed hankies
03:03with yellowing tags
03:04saying, Merry Christmas,
03:06love, Jimmy.
03:09Right, no nodding off.
03:10We're going to play games.
03:12Oh, no.
03:13Oh, yes.
03:14Oh, no, please.
03:15Oh, yes.
03:16We are going to enjoy ourselves.
03:18No ducking out.
03:20Booze must be drunk,
03:21food must be eaten,
03:22hangovers must be had,
03:23and games must be played.
03:25Right?
03:27We'll have a little quiz
03:28to start things off gently.
03:30OK?
03:30All right.
03:31OK.
03:32OK.
03:33Where did the three wise men come from?
03:36The East.
03:41The East?
03:42Yeah.
03:44Is that the best you can do?
03:45The East?
03:46What does that mean, the East?
03:48Moscow, China,
03:50Bethnal Green?
03:50Well, that's what it says, doesn't it?
03:54Three wise men came from the East.
03:56Wise men?
03:57What?
03:58It doesn't say how many.
04:00That's right.
04:00Hmm.
04:01So it doesn't say where they came from
04:03or how many there were.
04:05It just says,
04:06they presented unto him gifts.
04:08They came out of the East
04:10bearing gold and frankincense and myrrh.
04:13Blimey, it's like me and Auntie Joan.
04:15All I know about her is she presents gifts.
04:18She comes out of Fulham Broadway
04:20bearing nylon socks and Old Spice Stick deodorants.
04:23So, they are the dark horses of the Christmas story then.
04:27Hmm.
04:29Anyway, they came from Babylon.
04:31How do you know?
04:32I checked with Father Young Husband.
04:35Who's Father Young Husband?
04:36Our vicar.
04:37They helped him up the other day.
04:39What do you mean you helped him up?
04:41What had happened to him?
04:42He'd fallen off his roller skates.
04:45He was just lying at the roadside.
04:47Roller skates?
04:48Hmm.
04:49I didn't see him at first
04:50because of all the priests and Levites
04:51passing by on the other side.
04:54What was Father Young Husband doing on roller skates?
04:58Falling off.
05:00Miss Cassick had called in the brake.
05:02You can't roller skate in a cassock.
05:04Wish someone had told Father Young Husband.
05:07They haven't got brakes.
05:09Roller skates?
05:10Yes, they have.
05:11Little plugs like upturned doorstops.
05:14You just lean forward, gently touch the brake on the ground,
05:17then fall off.
05:18They're very effective.
05:20Why was this improbably named cleric on roller skates in the first place?
05:25I don't know.
05:25Probably the recession's version of a ton-up vicar.
05:29Just a minute.
05:30This Father Young Husband,
05:31has he got a great wave of white hair and a great big ton?
05:34That is the one.
05:36But he's a hundred.
05:37Well, he's getting on.
05:39Getting on?
05:40He's Harold Macmillan's grandfather.
05:42Don't they ever retire, Vickers?
05:44If he keeps on with the roller skates, he won't have to.
05:47Perhaps he was just after a swift transfer to head office.
05:51I knew this was all tosh.
05:53Roller skating, Vickers.
05:54That chap can hardly walk.
05:56He couldn't roller skate to save his life.
05:58I have been at pains to point out
06:00that he was not a successful roller skater.
06:03He was a failed roller skater.
06:06A recumbent roller skater.
06:09And I assisted him.
06:10Gave him sucker and support.
06:12He was so grateful,
06:13he let me into his bring-and-by Christmas bazaar for free.
06:16Was it any good?
06:18No, a load of rubbish.
06:19I've got your present there, actually.
06:24By the way, Jeff was there.
06:26Who's Jeff?
06:27That man that came to dinner the other week.
06:30Well, was this dick a badly hurt?
06:31You see, Dora, engaged me in conversation
06:34about the wise men quite readily.
06:36They've got this terrific mural they've done
06:38of the Christmas story.
06:39Kids' party there today.
06:42Do you know how far Babylon is from Bethlehem?
06:46Do you know, offhand, I don't.
06:49I expect it's in the back of the AA book.
06:54500 miles.
06:56Well, so what?
06:57Well, it makes you realise what was involved, doesn't it?
07:00Bumping along on the back of a camel
07:02for 500 miles in the middle of winter.
07:04No joke.
07:05I mean, the roads weren't up to much in those days.
07:08No six-lane motorways.
07:10No pulling into Newport Pagnall
07:11for a bacon sarnie
07:12and a game of space invaders.
07:13How fast does a camel go?
07:19Don't look at me.
07:21I don't like this quiz.
07:25You getting on all right with that nut?
07:29It's a Brazil nut.
07:31Yes, I don't want a course in botany.
07:33I just wondered if you're going to open it at all.
07:35Well, I'm trying to, aren't I?
07:38Brazil nuts are difficult.
07:41Dear God.
07:42I need a month's circuit training
07:43and a course of steroids to get into these things.
07:47Well, try another one.
07:48Certainly not.
07:50I'm not giving in to a piffly nut.
07:53This nuts number has come up.
07:56Talking of nuts,
07:58why isn't Mrs Ratcliffe here?
08:00Joking.
08:01She wouldn't sit down with a murderess, Mrs H.
08:04Or a doxy.
08:06A what?
08:06A doxy is the latest word for it.
08:09You're a murderess and I'm a doxy.
08:11I don't know what he is.
08:12Nothing is what I am.
08:13She never remembers my name.
08:15I said to her the other day,
08:17Shelley, you know, like the poet.
08:20Oh, yes, she said.
08:21Since then I've been Keats, Tennyson,
08:23Wordshard.
08:25It's like holding a conversation
08:27with the index of the Golden Treasury.
08:28She was at the bring and buy.
08:31Didn't even recognise me.
08:33And she sho...
08:34She sho...
08:34It's difficult saying this.
08:39She is so savage.
08:41Everyone must be flogged and tortured
08:43before being hanged.
08:45Oh, hanging's too good.
08:47Oh, you two get worse instead of better.
08:50Oh, this bloody nut.
08:55What use are they?
08:57You need a degree in safe-breaking
08:58and a thermic lance to open the little beggars.
09:01When you do crack it,
09:02all you get is a handful of soggy gravel.
09:06Whatever animal lives off Brazil nuts,
09:08I bet it's extinct.
09:11And how did anyone discover they were edible?
09:14They're not attractive, are they?
09:15They look like charred bits of igneous rock
09:18or elderly armadillo droppings.
09:25I don't even like them very much.
09:28Will you stop going on about that sodding nut?
09:33Blimey, what a start to Christmas.
09:35Sitting here, two Polacks to do anything but talk
09:37and all you can do is witter on about a manky Brazil nut.
09:42Wish something Christmassy would happen.
09:44Like what?
09:45I don't know.
09:46Someone being sick.
09:50Nice war film.
09:53Right, Aunty Joanie's prezzy.
09:56I'm right about her.
09:57She's a phantom.
09:58Oh, now, look.
09:59Now, why would anyone make up an aunt?
10:01Well, you see, my mum's a great family person.
10:04There's just one snack.
10:05There's no family.
10:06I'm an only child, so's my mum.
10:08And the old man had scarpered with the cleaning lady.
10:11So, picture the scene.
10:12Oh, December the 24th.
10:15Little Jimmy, in a shallow, fitful sleep,
10:18excited by what delights the morn might bring.
10:21A lonely mother's eye falls on a pitifully inadequate pile of prezzy's.
10:26A single tear rolling down her fevered cheek.
10:29Eureka, enter Aunty Joane.
10:32And doubtless one or two others.
10:34My memory is too feeble to recall.
10:36I'm going to cry.
10:38Good, eh?
10:38Oh, this is absolutely ridiculous.
10:44Have you ever met his mother?
10:46Of course I have, at the wedding.
10:47Shared a bedroom with her.
10:49Well?
10:50Well, I mean, you'd know.
10:52I mean, she's your mother's sister.
10:54Or your father's.
10:55I mean...
10:55No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
10:57She's honorary.
10:57She's made up.
10:59So don't complain.
11:00I'll just grab the goodies.
11:01I'm going to be disabused when I'm older.
11:04Then, one year, I take it into my head to buy Aunty Joane a present off my own bat.
11:10Out of my own money.
11:12Then what?
11:12What did you buy her?
11:14Well, it was rather nice, actually.
11:18A rather appealing white polystyrene Scotch terrier.
11:22With a red bone in its mouth.
11:25Stuck on a cart safety pin.
11:28Well, you don't expect Cartier when you're ten, do you?
11:31How do you remember all these things?
11:33He doesn't, Mrs H.
11:35It's all rubbish.
11:36He makes it up.
11:37Just like the roller-skating vicar.
11:42So what is wrong with the chimney all of a sudden?
11:58All that chimney stuff went up with button boots.
12:01You're kidding.
12:03Who's this?
12:06Father Christmas, Mrs H.
12:08Who do you think it is?
12:09The nuke of the north?
12:10You're having a son about the chimney?
12:14Of course not.
12:15He used to play havoc with the red suit and the ermine, you know.
12:18All that soot.
12:18Well, bless my soul.
12:20I keep up the propaganda, though.
12:21It's very useful.
12:23And while people are staring at the fireplace,
12:25I nip in the front door, all I noticed.
12:27What if it's locked?
12:28I'm assisted by a platoon of lock-picking pixies.
12:31You did say that awfully well.
12:37Anybody here grow roses?
12:39Yes.
12:39My willy does.
12:40Why?
12:41Only the reindeers outside, you know.
12:43Nothing like it for roses.
12:46Now you're here.
12:49There's something I've always wanted to ask you.
12:52How do you get round all the houses in one night?
12:55Ah.
12:56Well, I won't tell you the whole secret,
12:57but it's partly because I have my son to help me.
13:00Your son?
13:02Certainly.
13:08Merry Christmas.
13:12Come in.
13:13Come in, sir.
13:14Sit yourself down.
13:16He's not the real Father Christmas, you know.
13:22Well, thank heaven someone's talking sense round here.
13:25Of course he's not.
13:27You are, aren't you?
13:28Of course I'm not.
13:31Perhaps someone will be good enough to tell me what's going on.
13:34Sorry, Mrs Hawkins.
13:37Mrs Ratcliffe let us in.
13:39Oh, it's Geoff.
13:41This is Matthew.
13:43He won the prize for the best Santa.
13:45There was a contest at the party.
13:47See, there was a play that they did
13:49and he played the part of Santa Claus.
13:51Do you know, I thought it wasn't Catherine the Great.
13:54You never told us you were playing Santa this year.
13:57No, no, I got roped in at the last moment.
13:59The chap who was going to do it had an accident.
14:01Oh, no.
14:02What happened?
14:03It was Father Young's husband.
14:05He fell off his roller skates.
14:06LAUGHTER
14:07LAUGHTER
14:08Do you reckon this year she'll mention
14:37that morocco trip i expect so be interesting then why well seems that uh when she was last there
14:45they were about as hospitable as a detention center but she kept a stiff upper lip and cracked
14:51on it was all hunky-dory well there you are then what well she's not gonna come on and say we wish
14:59you all a very merry christmas and by the way this year we went to morocco and were treated
15:03like a load of armadillo droppings is she oh no i suppose not where's she gone for christmas anyway
15:10don't know sandringham i think why you thinking of asking around i'll tell you one good thing
15:18about being royal what they have a man to open the brazil nuts you all right mrs h um i think i'm a
15:32bit tipsy tipsy tipsy you're legless edler lasted my love tipsy indeed is coming out of your ears
15:44here have a drop more which is your glass those three
15:50hey those two father christmases now that was a sight wasn't it excellent the way jeff just walked
15:56in like he was the real thing hey and wasn't that little boy terrific he was the best you shouldn't
16:01have given him all that food well he said he was hungry no i mean the sort of food what do you mean
16:08kids like that sort of nosh eggs and beans and fruit salad and so on not all mixed up in the same
16:17well it was what he wanted i shall see that egg yolk running over those pineapple chunks
16:23well he laughed it up dipping his chocolates in it well he enjoyed it and he was the one eating it
16:34kids like doing things like that experimenting listen i wanted to try it look terrific
16:39i'm drunk oh how wonderful first plastering of the season a very merry christmas to all that's very kind
16:50and to you ta you take him out yeah do you think his mother will mind edna what don't go to sleep you
17:02might never wake up are you sure you're all right perfectly shouldn't be drunk in your condition
17:13do you think his mother will be cross we gave him all that funny food listen you won't believe
17:17this he walked straight in and demanded grub oh no where's he put it all god knows i left him
17:23munching a christmas pudding sandwich right come on jeff have a few drinks you've got some catching up to
17:29do i mean it was a wholemeal bread christmas pudding sandwich oh of course what do you mean in my
17:35condition if you shouldn't be drinking i can drink it says so in my book father young husband he's not
17:43badly hurt is he it's severe contusions of the gluteal maxima what's that when it's at home badly bruised bum
17:52why is he so keen on roller skating anyway this is crazy at the church youth club all the kids have
17:57them ah but father young husband is not a kid he doesn't have to follow these fashions look it was
18:03all we could do to stop him rinsing his hair blue and green you will excuse me i'm just gonna give my
18:09mum a quick phone call what for i wish to track down the apocryphal aunt joan god you're silly that
18:17matthew had used us straight off how did you get on with isabel in that bedroom at home oh she was
18:26very nice i liked her very much but you can see where he gets it from gets what from well she's as
18:34nutty as he is and as for language hello mum now i hope you wouldn't use that kind of language in a
18:49barrack room mark or on board ship because you defend people well how am i supposed to know you're
18:55rushing out i just wanted auntie joan's number thank you for the prezzy we'll give her mine sometime
19:03perhaps no no i don't want to keep you merry christmas that's the last set of thermal under
19:13way you get off me is that you mr milton shelly mrs r shelly ah it is you good there are two lunatics
19:27after you good heavens yes all dressed up in santa claus things and they've they've got one great big
19:37man and a dwarf and they rang my bell good heavens what did they say a merry christmas well villains
19:47i expect oh they all are the little one had the audacity to say that i was silly good heavens i think
19:56they're after that doxy upstairs oh it's disgraceful this kill me what you make out of it i mean
20:08the poetry well who wants to buy poetry nowadays mrs ratcliffe i'm not a poet i've just got a name
20:15like a poet i'm called shelly my name is shelly you see james shelly yes well all right there's no need
20:25to make a song and dance about it my name is sibyl ratcliffe but i don't go around shouting my name to
20:35everybody do everybody do i do i now you know you know i don't think that you're quite right in the
20:42head i wouldn't quarrel with you there mrs ratcliffe sibyl it's christmas the season of forgiveness
20:50won't you please pop up have a drink with us oh no no no i can't do that i've got an errand
20:56what's that witch hazel ah appropriate name what's it for spiking drinks you don't drink it you don't no
21:05you rub it in you massage it in thoroughly rub it into what
21:17i am going to apply it to the wounds of father young husband
21:24good heavens above
21:39hello auntie joan my word that was quick
21:44how are you did you go to the bring and by then i organized it oh you organized it yes
21:55shelly said it was um it was very good
22:00you don't die just because you fall asleep you know i've noticed this over the years sounds like
22:11a shelly line to me that well auntie joan is alive and well of course she is except for one sad bit
22:21of news what the scotch terrier all the reds come off its bone i'm hungry again you can't be hungry
22:30again ah there's some christmas pud left yummy i thought it had all gone
22:39i think perhaps i might be about to do something christmassy
22:46be sick i was afraid of that take deep breaths
22:51i'm okay i'm okay it's passing
23:07i'm all right good just don't talk about matthew's tea for a bit i won't
23:11i'm all right well here's to a merry one merry christmas merry christmas merry christmas
23:21just um one thing are we okay for money over christmas sure we are oh good why i just swallowed two sixpences
23:39so
23:45so
23:51so