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TVTranscript
00:00Piano music
00:30Inflation rises and so do imports.
00:39Unemployment soars yet again and President Reagan steps up his arms programme.
00:44Good evening. Inflation has risen once again.
00:47Figures out today confirm growing fears that the recession may be deepening.
00:51I'm not sure I can stand any more of this.
00:53Oh, I don't know. I'm getting quite partial to processed cheese on burnt toast.
00:57I'm referring to the news.
01:01I've had a less than ideal day.
01:03Emma has been perfecting her impersonation of Concord coming into land.
01:08I've had to sweet talk the gas board out of cutting us off
01:11because someone thinks it's clever to ignore final demands.
01:14I feel clapped out, hacked off and I'm not in the mood to listen to Trevor MacDonald talking about...
01:19It's not Trevor MacDonald.
01:20Well, whoever it is.
01:22I'd rather not sit here and listen to him calmly announcing the end of the world.
01:25Well, we could switch over.
01:28What's on the other side?
01:29Jan Leeming announcing the end of the world.
01:33Right. That clinches it.
01:35What are you doing?
01:36It's a quaint old-fashioned ritual called switching the telly off.
01:39Oh, hang on. I want to see this month's unemployment total.
01:42What the hell for?
01:44Well, it's comforting.
01:45Makes me feel like I belong. You know, like I'm one of the lads.
01:49I know. Compromise.
01:50Turn the sound up.
01:51They always flash up the total on the screen, provided they can fit in all the little noughts.
01:59Hello.
01:59FT index is down.
02:02Not good.
02:03What do you know about economics?
02:05You can't even pay gas bills.
02:10Of course, we could just talk.
02:12You know, like people do occasionally, with their mouths forming words.
02:16And on good days, stringing them together into sentences.
02:19All right.
02:22Pick a subject.
02:24Do you want a discussion about art, or a row about not paying final demands?
02:28Of course, we could...
02:29Shelley, you're not listening.
02:31Sorry, Fran. Only one of those eggs nearly hit Keith Joseph.
02:36I don't know why we need a telly, anyway.
02:38We can't expect Mrs H to babysit in a house with no telly.
02:42She's a registered addict.
02:44She'd get withdrawal symptoms, smash her way into the Chinese takeaway and steal theirs.
02:49You know, the posh colour Itachi that's there to divert your gaze from whatever furry mammal is being dragged, kicking and screaming, into your number 42.
03:00Oh, dear.
03:01The foreign affairs correspondent doesn't look happy.
03:04In fact, I'd say he just drunk a gallon of paraquat.
03:08Why do they have to paint everything so black?
03:15That's not paint. He is black.
03:19ITN like to match their newsreaders with the colour of Britain's prospects.
03:24That's why they parted company with Reggie Bozencay.
03:26He was much too rosy.
03:28Especially late at night.
03:29Maybe the BBC News is more cheerful.
03:33Oh, you're clutching at straws, Fran.
03:35The BBC's charter specifically forbids cheerfulness.
03:39They got an alarm at TV Centre that goes off the moment an optimist walks into the building.
03:44Oh, it's Regan.
03:45Don't want to miss this.
03:47Might be the four-minute warning.
03:48At a news conference in Washington today...
03:52If it is, what do you fancy?
03:53Making mad passionate love or cowering in the stair cupboard?
03:56...affirmed the US intention to impress ahead with the biggest rearmaments programme seen this century.
04:02NATO chiefs met today to discuss plans for...
04:05I think I'm going to scream.
04:07Hey, come on, love.
04:08Don't let it get to you.
04:10What do you mean, don't let it get to you?
04:12What sort of a world is this to bring up a baby in?
04:15Well, we didn't plan her, did we?
04:17No, I know.
04:18But she's here now.
04:20Amongst the riots and the wars.
04:21And the gas bills.
04:22And the poverty.
04:24And the processed cheese.
04:27You know, you're right.
04:28We definitely made a mistake.
04:30I'm not saying she's a mistake.
04:31No, no, no, you're absolutely right.
04:33We should never have had Emma until we were sure we had a sponsor for her.
04:36What?
04:37A sponsor.
04:38A commercial backer.
04:41She'd make a great ad for contraceptives.
04:45We can make thousands wheeling her around with gossamer feathersoft plastered all over her planet.
04:53If only he'd use black protector.
04:57Shelley!
04:58Well, what are you getting so morose for then, eh?
05:01What sort of world is it to bring a baby up in?
05:04What do you want to do, leave her out for the dustman?
05:06Don't be stupid.
05:07Well, Ben.
05:09Dustman wouldn't take her, not without a bribe.
05:12You could pin a fibre on her bonnet with a little note saying,
05:14please dump on nearest skip.
05:18Hey, come on, love, what's up, eh?
05:19Oh, I don't know.
05:21I think I've got baby lag.
05:23She's so...
05:24Well, she's so inescapable.
05:26Not tonight she isn't.
05:27We're breaking out of the mummy's tomb and going to the flicks.
05:29It's ages since I've seen a film.
05:31I've invented talkies, no?
05:33No, really?
05:36What's this film about?
05:37It's the tale of a brilliant geography graduate who is snubbed by the Foreign Office and so reeks
05:41his awesome revenge by butchering all of Whitehall and then spit-roasting the entire cabinet.
05:48Oh, good.
05:49I like a happy ending.
05:52It's a pity I missed out on that Foreign Office job.
05:55Go on.
05:56Well, I mean, if I was working for the good old F.O.,
05:59if there was going to be a nuclear attack, I'd get advance warning.
06:03All the civil servants get it.
06:04It's a sort of perk, like luncheon vouchers.
06:08Special exemption from Armageddon.
06:10Can we change the subject, please?
06:12So there we'd all be, filed away in triplicate in our government bunkers,
06:15while up on the surface, the survivors of the Big Bang, all four of them,
06:20are meeting the challenges of a post-nuclear society,
06:23deciding which relative to eat next.
06:25Coping with mutation.
06:27Learning to play the piano with three hands.
06:29How can you do that?
06:31I don't know.
06:31You need a bigger keyboard, as well.
06:34No, I meant crack all those jokes about...
06:37Well, about something like that.
06:39Doesn't the thought of it scare you?
06:41Of course it scares me.
06:42I'm a coward.
06:43Everything scares me.
06:45Well, what can I do about the Holocaust?
06:47Write to Reagan and Brezhnev asking them to call it off?
06:50Well, that's what I'm doing.
06:51While I'm at it, I could ring up the Ayatollah Hominy,
06:53tell him not to execute any more sons of Satan
06:56until he'd okayed it with me first.
06:59What did you say?
07:01I'm writing to Brezhnev and Reagan.
07:03It's an international campaign.
07:04You just sign these letters and send them off.
07:07Mothers Against Nuclear Arms.
07:09We, the mothers of the world, call upon you to abandon the...
07:14What's so funny?
07:16Well, I mean...
07:17Well, I mean what?
07:18Well, what are you expecting?
07:19A postcard from Big Ronnie?
07:22Hi, Fran.
07:22Sorry to hear you don't like neutron bombs,
07:24so I've told Congress to scrap the luck.
07:27Nancy sends a love and a recipe for cheesecake.
07:29All right, smart-ass.
07:33I know it's 99.9% futile,
07:36but I don't care.
07:38It makes me feel better.
07:39And it beats sitting on your bum making clever remarks.
07:42Please, miss, she said bum.
07:45You know what's happening to you, Shelley?
07:47Middle age.
07:48Oh, well, if you can't argue without resorting to insults.
07:51No, it's true.
07:52You're entering that well-known first phase,
07:55which consists of sneering at anyone
07:57who shows the remotest hint of conviction.
07:59Not fair.
07:59What about that ecologist who called yesterday?
08:02I didn't sneer at him.
08:03I took the mickey out of his duffel coat
08:05and his hands off the ozone layer badge, granted.
08:07But I did not sneer.
08:10In fact, I even signed his petition
08:11to ban juggernauts from Fulham.
08:13Big deal!
08:14Well, I'm very anti-juggernauts in Fulham.
08:16On principle,
08:17I'm not thousands off the value of this place.
08:20And that's another symptom of middle age,
08:22worrying about house prices.
08:23The next stage is turning reactionary.
08:26And you start saying things like,
08:27what's happening to young people today?
08:29And then you start voting conservative.
08:33Wash your mouth out.
08:36All right, then.
08:37Which way will you vote next time?
08:39Not sure.
08:40I was thinking of voting SDP.
08:42Why?
08:43Well, it might help me get a credit card.
08:46SDP, eh?
08:47All right, I take it back.
08:49You're not turning into a middle-aged reactionary.
08:51You're turning into a middle-aged trendy.
08:54You won't make middle-aged the way you're going.
08:58Saved by Concord.
09:01And it's your turn.
09:04I'll see to Emma.
09:05You get Mrs. H.
09:08And while you're up there,
09:09warn her against the perils of inflation
09:11and not to go behind the bike sheds with little boys.
09:14Hello, Mrs. H.
09:15What's all this about bike sheds and little boys?
09:18It's Fran, Mrs. H.
09:20She's been unfaithful again.
09:21Who can blame her?
09:23I wish you wouldn't always take my side like that.
09:25It's so embarrassing.
09:27Crossroads hasn't started yet, has it?
09:28No, David Hunter phoned through to say
09:30it wouldn't start till you got it.
09:33Very funny.
09:35It's all right, Mrs. H.
09:36You've got plenty of time.
09:37You've got 14 minutes yet.
09:38Ah.
09:39Sounds like a good one tonight.
09:41Apparently, Meg Richardson comes back from Australia
09:44and burns down the rest of the motel
09:46for the insurance money.
09:47Oh, I know you're making it up, Shelley.
09:50Where's Fran?
09:51Upstairs, bringing Concord into land.
09:54Are you all right?
09:56Hunky-dory, Mrs. H.
09:57How are you?
09:58Terrible.
09:59Do you know, I had the police round yesterday
10:01about your friend, the loony.
10:04Mrs. Ratcliffe?
10:05What's she done now?
10:06She's been dialing 999
10:08and telling them she's been raped by beings from outer space.
10:14Martians, are they?
10:15Oh, no.
10:15Oh, no, Martians are too ordinary for someone like her.
10:19No, her little green men come from the planet Zephos.
10:22Zephos?
10:23Where'd she get that from?
10:24Star Trek.
10:26I tell you, people like Mrs. Ratcliffe
10:28should not be allowed to have televisions.
10:30I mean, people like her are too susceptible.
10:33What time do you say it was?
10:35Crossroads minus 12.
10:37Well, anyway, I said to the policeman,
10:40how am I supposed to keep control of the old crackpot?
10:42I reckon a muzzle would be the best bet.
10:44You're right.
10:46I mean, I said to him,
10:47if you know President Reagan,
10:50what's this?
10:51Oh, dear friends, Mrs. H.
10:52She's writing threatening letters to the superpowers.
10:55Well, what about?
10:56Oh, the usual.
10:57Stop production of the neutron bomb
10:58or I'll flick ink pellets at you.
11:00Oh, what's the neutron bomb?
11:04Well, it's a sort of atomic bailiff.
11:07See, it doesn't arm the property,
11:08but it gets rid of unwanted tenants.
11:12I think that's a very good idea,
11:13if you ask me, speaking as a landlady.
11:15Oh, it's a very useful development.
11:17It was financed by the building societies.
11:19Ah, you're pulling my leg.
11:22No.
11:23The building societies wanted to ensure
11:25that World War III wouldn't affect their assets,
11:28so they paid for the neutron bomb,
11:29which doesn't harm buildings.
11:33But kills people?
11:35Correct.
11:36Well, how's that going to help the building societies?
11:39I mean, if everyone's dead,
11:40there'd be no-one left to pay off the mortgages.
11:43Exactly.
11:44They could just take possession on the grounds
11:45that all the dead people have got behind with their payments.
11:50Then all they do is convert the properties
11:52into something lucrative, like cemeteries.
11:55Emma should be quiet now.
11:57All right, Mrs H?
11:59I'm not sure.
12:01Well, anyway, we'd best be off.
12:02Oh, right.
12:04Shelley, what have you said to her?
12:06Not a thing.
12:07Ta-da, Mrs H.
12:08Here, about this neutron bomb.
12:11Oh, so that's it.
12:12Well, there's one thing that worries me.
12:14What's that, Mrs H?
12:15Well, after they've dropped it,
12:16do the building societies keep on charging interest?
12:19LAUGHTER
12:20LAUGHTER
12:21LAUGHTER
12:50Well, how was I to know it was that sort of film?
13:01Got good reviews.
13:03Guardian said it was memorable.
13:06Well, I shan't forget it in a hurry.
13:08It scarred me for life.
13:10I've never seen so many murders in one film.
13:1237.
13:14I counted them.
13:15And that's not including the bit in the car chase,
13:17where that juggernaut mounts the curb and turned that bloke into pedestrian puree.
13:23Oh, yes.
13:25Green Cross Code didn't do him much good, did it?
13:28Don't remind me.
13:29Must have ruined that lorry's radiator.
13:31Shelley.
13:32I'll tell you what, I'll never be able to face mints again.
13:37How would you like your finger mints?
13:38Pax, fainites.
13:41See, Mrs Whitehouse is right.
13:44Violent films do breed violence.
13:45You know, Shelley, I'm really proud of you.
13:48You've got a funny way of showing it.
13:50You've made that half pint of bitter last 43 minutes.
13:54That's a personal best.
13:55It's a lot difficult with this stuff.
13:57It's just a question of controlling the arm-lifting reflex.
14:01Well, I'm impressed.
14:03But I don't think our host is.
14:05No, I know.
14:06He keeps looking at me like I'm Ken Livingstone.
14:09Just act casual.
14:11What was the point of that car chase, anyway?
14:17Oh, well, you see, car chases are compulsory in America now.
14:21It's to protect the US motor industry.
14:23Helps maintain demand, like in-built obsolescence.
14:26In fact, it is now illegal in the States to write a screenplay
14:29where cars actually drive around things.
14:32It's classed as an un-American activity.
14:36Along with the...
14:37I'm sorry, Fran, it was automatic.
14:39I dropped my guard.
14:41It doesn't matter.
14:42We can just stretch to another round.
14:44Great.
14:45It'll mean toasted cheese again tomorrow.
14:48Great.
14:53Two halves of ordinary, please.
14:55Well, I'll have pints.
14:58Steady on, don't go mad.
15:00There's at least an hour left of closing time.
15:02Wouldn't want you to have to rush them down, would we, eh?
15:05Well, I feel a bit queasy, you know, dicky tummy.
15:07Food poisoning?
15:08No film poisoning.
15:10Aye?
15:11We went to see The Thing in ABC3.
15:14It's about 200 innocent people who pay £2.50
15:17to experience a sense around lobotomy.
15:20Not much cop, then.
15:22As Barry Norman would say, that's right.
15:24I'm going to have to go and change this barrel.
15:26You'll soon get through when people knock it back as fast as you do.
15:28LAUGHTER
15:30Where's Stan?
15:39Just gone downstairs.
15:41Oh.
15:41Bitters run out, is it?
15:42Yes, I think the gnats have got empty bladders.
15:45LAUGHTER
15:46Don't talk to me about gnats.
15:49I was at Gallipoli.
15:50This box is for the war veterans.
15:54You know, people like me will risk their lives for people like you.
15:58Really?
15:59Yes.
16:00The money goes towards blankets.
16:02You know, to save us from hypothermia.
16:05That's when we freeze to death because...
16:07Yeah, all right, all right, I give in.
16:09I know when I'm up against a pro.
16:11Not very much, was it?
16:17Not very much at all.
16:18I'm sorry, it's all I can afford.
16:20You might be a war veteran yourself one day.
16:22Well, come the next war, I have...
16:23Don't talk to me about war.
16:26Gassed five times I was.
16:281914, 1918.
16:30Aye, that was a real war, you see.
16:33Not like nowadays.
16:35They say the next war will be over in four minutes.
16:37I ask you, what sort of a war can you have in four minutes?
16:41There'll be no time for any hocks of heroism, will there?
16:46Well, they could always pin the George Cross on a missile.
16:49Missiles?
16:50Don't talk to me about missiles.
16:52Ruined war they have.
16:53Just press a button and bingo.
16:55You don't even see who you're blowing up.
16:58Taking away the person outside, Missiles.
17:01How was we upon a missile?
17:03Yeah, this film you saw.
17:04Was it the one with the juggernaut mass the curve and this bloke...
17:07That's the one.
17:08Ban them from full and that's what I say.
17:09Keep death and mints off the road.
17:12Don't talk to me about death.
17:13Shut up, you old fool.
17:17That'll be 62p.
17:19I have to keep him in check.
17:21He's one of the reasons we're so empty.
17:24And I'm carrying the other one.
17:27I'm not telling you again.
17:28Who was that old boy?
17:32He's part of the campaign for real war.
17:35Once Reagan and Brezhnev to fight it out man to man with bayonets.
17:40And he'll keep sending them white feathers till they do.
17:42There's something wrong with this beer.
17:47It actually tastes of something.
17:49Must be a duff batch.
17:51It's amazing.
17:51Even old boys like that look upon nuclear war as an unavoidable forthcoming event.
17:57Like the World Cup.
17:59It's terrifying.
18:00Now who's being morose?
18:01Well, what sort of world is it to bring a baby up in?
18:05I mean, the way things are going,
18:07it doesn't look like poor old Emma's going to get much of an innings, does it?
18:10She'll be lucky to make it out of nappies.
18:13Might just get to her first word.
18:15Duck.
18:19Have you, uh...
18:20Have you got a light, mate?
18:25I don't smoke.
18:26Cigarettes cause death, which can damage your health.
18:30Yeah, well, we've all got to go sometime, haven't we?
18:32Hey, how old are you?
18:35Eighteen and a bit.
18:36Why?
18:37What do you think about global destruction?
18:40Oh, great.
18:44Great?
18:45Yeah, they're a really great band.
18:49I'm not referring to some punk group.
18:52I'm not a punk.
18:53I'm a new wave romantic.
18:55What, you blind or something?
18:59God, I thought I was apathetic.
19:01One day he'll just peg out
19:03because he couldn't be bothered to breathe in.
19:06What's the matter with young people today?
19:08There, you said it.
19:11Fran, can I sign your letters to Reagan and Breschner?
19:14No, you're not a mother.
19:15We could lie.
19:16Find your own protest.
19:18Form intellectual layabouts against the bomb.
19:21Organise a sky bin at the labour exchange.
19:23Aha.
19:24Hey!
19:25Hey!
19:26Oh, no, it's the cockleshell era.
19:27Hey, you were right.
19:31It does taste of nuts piss.
19:43Come back, Mrs. H.
19:45Oh, hello, you two.
19:47Well, how was the film?
19:49Well, it was hard to describe, really.
19:51It was, um, sort of...
19:53What's the word?
19:54Crap.
19:55That's the one.
19:58How was Crossroads, Mrs. H?
20:00Terrible.
20:01They interrupted it for an earthquake.
20:05An earthquake?
20:06In Birmingham?
20:08No, Turkey.
20:09You know, it's one of those important news flashes.
20:12But by the time they went back to Crossroads,
20:13I'd lost the thread.
20:15Typical earthquake, you see.
20:16No consideration.
20:18Doesn't the news ever get you down, Mrs. H?
20:20How do you mean?
20:21Well, it's always so grim, isn't it?
20:23Oh, no, it wasn't too bad tonight.
20:25The pool's jackpot's been won by a man in the Bolton area.
20:29Ah, well, there you are, you see.
20:30Life regains a little of its meaning.
20:33Someone got 24 points and God's in his heaven.
20:36Ignore him, Mrs. H.
20:37He's in a funny mood.
20:39Does he have any other kind?
20:43Mrs. H, can I ask you a serious question?
20:46How much do you want?
20:47You wound me, Mrs. H.
20:51I'm talking of higher things.
20:53I'm asking for your views on some major issues,
20:55like the future of mankind.
20:57Oh, that.
20:58Yes, that.
20:59For instance, what would you do
21:01if a four-minute warning sounded?
21:04Shelley, it's getting late.
21:05No, no, I'm curious.
21:06To know what a nice, sensible person like Mrs. H
21:09would do with her last four minutes.
21:11Well, there's not a lot you can do in four minutes, is there?
21:15Well, you could make a cup of tea, Mrs. H.
21:17I don't drink as much tea as you make out.
21:20You'd have to gulp it down pretty pronto, though.
21:23And it'd have to be tea bags.
21:24No point in making a pot.
21:28Well, it wouldn't have time to draw, would it?
21:31Oh, no, I suppose not.
21:33Oh, what am I talking about?
21:34I'm getting as bad as you now.
21:36All this mumbo-jumbo about another world war.
21:39So it wouldn't worry you?
21:40I haven't time to worry about things like that.
21:43Not with my leg and Mrs. Ratcliffe
21:45and those Moroccans on the second floor.
21:48Do you know they're still up and down the stairs all night?
21:50God only knows what they get up to.
21:53And now there's all these strange smells.
21:56Sort of herbal, exotic.
22:03It's actually quite a nice smell.
22:05Sort of relaxing.
22:09Anyway, I must get on.
22:10Get Willie up for work.
22:11How is Willie?
22:13Oh, same as ever.
22:14Well, thanks for babysitting, Mrs. H.
22:16Oh, it's my pleasure.
22:17I'm just sorry you didn't see a nicer film.
22:20Oh, well, look on the bright side, Mrs. H.
22:22It was very educational.
22:23You can learn a lot from films like that.
22:25Such as?
22:26Well, we learnt what intestines look like.
22:30How to mug people.
22:31Useful stuff like that.
22:33And we also learnt not to believe Guardian film reviews.
22:35Why is he such a misery tonight?
22:38Middle age, Mrs. H.
22:40Oh, well, that's handy.
22:42Might calm him down a bit.
22:44Oh, before I forget, about your neutron bomb.
22:48Yeah?
22:49Or what about the building society managers?
22:52What about them?
22:52Well, they'd all be dead too, wouldn't they?
22:55So there would be no-one left to run the building societies.
23:01Mrs. H., you have overpowered me with insuperable logic.
23:05There.
23:06I knew I'd get you one day.
23:10Anyway, I've got to dash.
23:11Willie will be wanting his cup of soup.
23:14Emma was OK, was she?
23:15Oh, yes, good as gold.
23:17Well, the only time she cried
23:18was when she was woken up by the war in Somalia.
23:21I don't know why the news always has to be so loud.
23:24Anyway, I'll see you soon.
23:26Bye-bye, dears.
23:28Night.
23:30Shelley?
23:32Hmm?
23:33What would you do with your last four minutes?
23:35Typical.
23:40Four minutes would just be long enough for you, I suppose.
23:45Wouldn't be much good for me, though.
23:48Eh?
23:49Well, women take longer than men, don't they?
23:52Mention it in your letters to Ronnie and Leah.
23:56P.S.
23:56The notion of a four-minute warning is sexist,
24:00as it does not allow for the female orgasm.
24:02We suggest a 25-minute warning,
24:05with a two-minute break to get your breath back.
24:13I'm sorry I was so morbid earlier.
24:15All that no-world-for-a-baby rubbish.
24:18Oh, I was just as bad.
24:20There she goes, the little darling.
24:22Little darling?
24:23You're only calling her that
24:25because you know it's my turn.
24:26Are you sure you know what to do with her?
24:29Of course I do.
24:30Uh, have you got a paper and pen?
24:32What for?
24:33So I can write a note for the dustman.
24:36Oh!
24:36Thank you very much.
24:40Yes, sir.
24:44Thank you very much.
24:44Thank you very much.
24:46Thank you, sir.