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00:00.
00:05.
00:07.
00:12.
00:14.
00:20.
00:21.
00:23.
00:58Sorry, only I thought I saw some moss growing on you.
01:16You're implying I'm slow?
01:19Well, slow is a relative term.
01:23I mean, compared to Carl Lewis, you look extremely slow.
01:25But compared to, say, a dead person, you look moderately quick.
01:32What flight did you come in on, Mr Shelley?
01:36I can't remember. It's a distant childhood memory.
01:40Flight 119 from Q8.
01:42Look, you'll have to excuse my impatience,
01:44but I have just spent three hours circling over London,
01:47being given breathtaking aerial views of the rolling savannas of Brentford.
01:50I then spent a wonderfully entertaining 40 minutes
01:54watching the cabin crew attempting to open a jammed passenger door
01:57before spending a riveting 51 minutes, 35 seconds,
02:02queuing to gain entry to the country of my birth.
02:09Look, is there some sort of problem?
02:11This photo, it doesn't look like you.
02:12Well, of course it doesn't look like me.
02:14It's a passport photo.
02:17Oh, God.
02:19Look.
02:24Oh, yes, I can see it now.
02:28See, you've been away for some years.
02:30Done a lot of travelling.
02:31Spain, Japan, the Middle East.
02:33What have you been doing?
02:33I have been teaching English to foreigners.
02:36They'll pay a lot of money to be taught English in their own land
02:39because they can't spare 20 years to come to England
02:41and queue at passport control.
02:44Only doing my job, sir.
02:45As a security alert,
02:46how do I know you're not some crazed urban terrorist?
02:50You're not a crazed urban terrorist, are you?
02:51No.
02:53But I think I'm turning into one.
03:01Let me assure you, Mr Shelley,
03:03your baggage isn't actually lost.
03:05We know exactly where it is.
03:07Where?
03:08Madrid.
03:09But rest assured,
03:10it will turn up.
03:12So,
03:12if you give us a forwarding address.
03:14I haven't got one.
03:16I'm a homeless waif,
03:17a bagless waif,
03:18thanks to you.
03:19Only doing my job, sir.
03:21Now, where have I heard that before?
03:22Oh, yes,
03:2316 times in the last two hours.
03:25Is it the new national anthem or something?
03:27Er,
03:2822A,
03:29DuPont Street, Battersea.
03:31Lost your bags, have I?
03:33Yes.
03:35Pathetic.
03:36What's wrong with this country, eh?
03:38Dear, oh dear.
03:41Of course, myself, I blame the blacks.
03:43And then, do you know what I'd do?
03:47I'd shut down the BBC,
03:49the Bolshevik Broadcasting Corporation, I work.
03:54Right, here I am now.
03:55Oh, that'll be £14.50, please.
04:03Yeah, you'll find everything's changed while you've been away.
04:05Not everything.
04:06Here,
04:07do you know what I was before I became a cabbie?
04:09Political correspondent on the Guardian.
04:11I was a baggage handler.
04:12You want to see the thieving that goes on in those places.
04:15Well, I quit on moral grounds.
04:17There's a total moral collapse, you see.
04:19I blame Bernie Graham.
04:20I blame Anita Harris.
04:21Yeah.
04:22Pick a change.
04:23Right.
04:27Anita Harris?
04:29She's not black, is she?
04:38Can I help you?
04:39Yes.
04:40I'm looking to rent a flat.
04:41Right.
04:42Can I ask why you chose this accommodation agency?
04:44Well, I had a few epochs to kill at Heathrow
04:46waiting for my bags not to appear
04:48and you were the first in yellow pages.
04:50Mind you,
04:51you don't take any chances on that score.
04:54What sort of property are you looking for?
04:56One bedroom flat.
04:57What sort of rent?
04:58I don't know,
04:59about £40 a week.
05:01£40 a week?
05:03I've been away.
05:04Where?
05:05Mars?
05:07I can afford more if necessary.
05:08I've got the possibility of a job in Wandsworth.
05:10Well, Mr...
05:11Shelley.
05:12Well, Mr Shelley,
05:13we do have a comedy.
05:14There's a lot of information on our books in that area,
05:15which I could show you.
05:16But to be perfectly frank,
05:17it's all rubbish.
05:19Rubbish?
05:20Yes, all of it.
05:21Absolute crap.
05:24You've been doing this job long.
05:27It's my last day.
05:28Oh, I see.
05:29I just quit,
05:30half an hour ago.
05:32I suggest you go see
05:33Graham and Carol Tapscott
05:35at this address.
05:36Friends of mine.
05:37Tell them Fiona sent you about flat.
05:38Thanks.
05:39Good luck.
05:42Can I, uh,
05:43ask you why you quit?
05:44Because this agency's going nowhere.
05:47I don't want to be part of an agency
05:48that's going nowhere.
05:50I set myself a personal goal.
05:51I'd be a millionaire
05:52by the time I'm 35.
05:54I'm not going to do that here.
05:56We all need our goals to aim at,
05:58don't we?
05:59What's your goal in life?
06:00Oh, well, basically,
06:01I'd say my sort of goal is, um...
06:05Can I come back to you on that?
06:08LAUGHTER
06:09Yes.
06:20Yes.
06:21Can you hang on a second?
06:22Yes?
06:23Fiona sent me.
06:24About the flat.
06:25Hang on a tick.
06:27Yes, it's very reasonably priced
06:29at 190,000,
06:30so I'll show you that property at 11.
06:33Then I'll take you to Angus Road
06:34at 11.30.
06:35At midday,
06:36we'll nip along to Temple Drive,
06:38south-facing garden,
06:39and lots of potential.
06:41And we'll finish off at Churchill Park.
06:42It's a new development.
06:44Detached, solar-heated houses
06:45with video cameras,
06:46security guards,
06:47and razor wire.
06:48I think you'll like it.
06:49OK, lovely.
06:51See you Sunday, then.
06:54Now, then, Mr...
06:55Shelley, James Shelley.
06:57Sounds as though
06:57you've got a busy Sunday planned.
06:59Yes, well, you can do a lot on a Sunday.
07:01Well, God didn't think so.
07:03LAUGHTER
07:03Yes, old fella,
07:07with a beard.
07:09On the seventh day,
07:10he rested.
07:11Yes, well, God wasn't
07:12an estate agent, was he?
07:13No.
07:15Just as well, really.
07:17I mean, if you had
07:17an estate agent as God,
07:19you might not know
07:19exactly where you stood.
07:21He'd probably describe hell
07:23as an open-plan
07:24basement conversion
07:25with friendly landlord
07:26and very efficient
07:27central heating.
07:27LAUGHTER
07:28Sorry?
07:30It was a joke.
07:33Yes, well, I'm not
07:34very good with jokes.
07:34I find I'm too busy for them.
07:37Now, I'll give you
07:38a quick rundown
07:39of the situation.
07:40The flat's across
07:41the corridor here.
07:43It's small.
07:44It's in a bit of a state.
07:45My husband and I
07:46bought it purely
07:47as an investment.
07:48We're looking for
07:49a short-term let
07:50until such time
07:51as we decide to sell
07:52and make an obscene profit.
07:54All clear?
07:56Terrifyingly clear.
07:57One month's rent
07:59is a deposit.
08:01The rent's £110 a week.
08:05£110?
08:06Yes, I know.
08:07We're letting it cheap
08:08because it isn't
08:08a bit of a mess.
08:11It would be just you.
08:14You're not married.
08:15No, separated.
08:16It's a temporary separation,
08:18but so that my wife
08:19wouldn't run the risk
08:20of capitulating totally
08:22to my sheer sexual magnetism,
08:25we agreed she should
08:26move to Canada.
08:27Canada?
08:29Do you go and visit, then?
08:30No, but I send them
08:31weekly reports
08:32of my whereabouts
08:33on cassette.
08:34I've got my recaller with me.
08:35The rest of my belongings
08:36are in Madrid.
08:38You've been to Spain?
08:39No.
08:40My luggage has been to Spain.
08:42It's a new security regulation,
08:44apparently.
08:44Your luggage isn't allowed
08:45to travel on the same plane
08:47as you.
08:48A bit like the royal family
08:50not travelling together.
08:51LAUGHTER
08:51LAUGHTER
08:53That was another joke.
08:59Yes, I thought it must be.
09:01Do you know this area?
09:03Well, I used to know it a bit,
09:04but I've been away
09:05the last few years
09:06teaching English
09:07in far-flung corners
09:09like Dubai, Taiwan,
09:12Kuwait, Japan.
09:13Japan fascinates me.
09:16I do admire the Japanese.
09:18Have you noticed
09:19they seem to succeed
09:20at everything they turn
09:21their hand to?
09:22I want to say the war
09:23was an unmitigated success.
09:26So are you going
09:26to teach English here?
09:27No.
09:28Not much demand
09:29for teaching English here,
09:30except at Radio 1,
09:32and I don't fancy working
09:33with the mentally disabled.
09:34Now, I've got the offer
09:35of a job not far from here.
09:38Someone I met in the Middle East
09:39put me forward for it.
09:40Hello.
09:40Oh, I think, mate.
09:41This is my husband, Graham.
09:42Graham, this is James.
09:44He wants to rent the flat.
09:45Bro!
09:46Yes, only as a stopgap.
09:47It's a little dear for me.
09:48It's the going rate.
09:49I know.
09:50I'm obviously out of touch.
09:51I'd plan on spending
09:52around £40 a week.
09:54But as I don't fancy
09:55living in a stair cupboard
09:56in Scunthorpe, I'm...
09:57You'll take it.
09:58Brill, absolutely drift.
10:00I've got a draft contract
10:00on my wang.
10:04Brill.
10:06Did you win?
10:08Annihilated him.
10:09Graham works in the city
10:10selling bonds.
10:11Needs a lot of exercise
10:12to get the stress
10:13out of his body.
10:14Do you play?
10:15I can't, on religious grounds.
10:18What religion's that?
10:19I belong to this obscure sect.
10:21You see, we worship the sofa
10:23as a form of deity
10:24and commit our lives
10:27to it totally.
10:28A joke, right?
10:30I like jokes.
10:31I always mess them up, though.
10:32I heard one about an Irishman
10:33in a light bulb yesterday.
10:34Made me laugh out loud.
10:35Can't remember how it went, mind.
10:37Something about chairs.
10:39Yes, well, we'll leave you
10:40to settle in.
10:41Here are your keys.
10:43Come on, Graham.
10:44Roger's ringing in a minute
10:45about that cottage
10:46in the Dordogne.
10:47Right.
10:48See you in a bit, then.
10:49Brill.
10:50Trip.
10:50Bloody hell.
10:56I don't know whether
10:57I can stand them for long.
10:59Pure 100% yuppies.
11:00Young up would leave
11:03mobile pillocks.
11:06What ever happened
11:07to young people?
11:08Rebellious oiks
11:09with long hair
11:10who used to take drugs
11:11to annoy their parents.
11:14I don't suppose those two
11:15would have gone to Woodstock.
11:17Well, unless they planned
11:18to buy it
11:19and turn it into flats.
11:21Still,
11:22this place seems okay.
11:25Did I find something
11:26cheap and nasty
11:27more suited to my personality?
11:29Right.
11:30Time to catch up
11:32with some old mates.
11:33Let them know
11:34Shelley's back in town.
11:37Let's start with
11:38Brian and Sally.
11:41I wonder if they're
11:42still together.
11:45Hello.
11:46Brian and Sally
11:47aren't in right now,
11:47but if you'd like
11:48to leave a message,
11:49we'll get back
11:49and take hold of the tone.
11:52Oh, hello.
11:53Uh, it's me.
11:55Shelley.
11:56Uh, well, um...
11:59Well, I'm...
11:59I'm just phoning to say,
12:04well, hello,
12:04and, um...
12:05and, uh...
12:07and I'll call you later,
12:09uh, when you're in.
12:11Um, yes, okay, bye.
12:14What is it about answer phones
12:16that induce a complete mental paralysis
12:18and total lockjaw?
12:19Well, that's a bloody great welcome back, isn't it?
12:30Out of 16 calls,
12:33I've got nine answer phones.
12:34Three impersonating Prince Charles,
12:37badly.
12:39Two as Winston Churchill,
12:40two as John Wayne.
12:42One in rhyming couplets
12:44and one sung
12:44to a medley of tunes from Oklahoma.
12:48I've got four wrong numbers,
12:49three no answers,
12:50two faults on the line,
12:52one brain death case
12:53at Heathrow inquiries,
12:54and one we thought you were dead
12:56from my father-in-law.
12:58I mean, I didn't expect
12:59to be met by Princess Diana,
13:01but...
13:02Oh, sit down, Shelley.
13:04Relax.
13:06Take the stress out of your body.
13:08Ah.
13:10British telly.
13:11Good God.
13:21Benny Hill isn't still doing that, is he?
13:26I'd have thought he'd been arrested by now.
13:30Try BBC One.
13:34Ah, that's better.
13:36A wildlife documentary.
13:38Lots of gratuitous violence
13:40and copulating rhinos.
13:42Oh, I've seen this.
13:45The wildebeest swim across the river
13:47and the bank gets all muddy
13:49as they clamber out
13:50till it's too slippery
13:51for them to climb up.
13:54I wonder why they don't go further along,
13:56find a dry bit of riverbank.
14:00We're going round the local.
14:02I wondered if you'd like to come
14:03and get to know the area.
14:04Why not?
14:05Ace, I was only watching
14:06a wildlife documentary.
14:08Any copulating rhinos?
14:09No, just...
14:10Just drowning wildebeest.
14:13They're not very bright, are they?
14:16Why don't they go and find
14:17a dry bit of riverbank?
14:19Well, it would only take one wildebeest
14:21to work that out
14:22and the whole ecology of Africa
14:23would be up the spout.
14:26Overrun by millions of excess wildebeest.
14:29Eating all the grass.
14:30Taking all the best jobs.
14:32Forming long queues at the post office.
14:35Reading the canoes.
14:36Yeah, it's very funny, Graham.
14:42Why do they do it?
14:44Primeval instinct.
14:45Why does the salmon
14:46always swim upstream to spawn?
14:49Why does the baboon
14:50always rip off your car, Ariel?
14:52Why does a middle-aged slob
14:54fly back to his homeland?
14:56Yes, well, in my view,
14:58any animal too dim to learn
14:59by its mistakes
15:00doesn't deserve to survive.
15:03My thoughts entirely.
15:04I hear what you're saying, Graham,
15:28but take it from me, old love.
15:30Guilt and unit trusts
15:31are your best bet.
15:32Or rubber.
15:33Get your money into rubber.
15:34Rubber's big money.
15:36Endless potential.
15:37Well, thanks to you-know-what syndrome.
15:39I knew this fellow.
15:40He went into rubber about a year ago.
15:42What an absolute prat.
15:45This place is full of them.
15:47It's Pratt Gulch.
15:50They've only got two topics of conversation.
15:53Money and more money.
15:54I feel totally left out of this little discussion.
15:58I know nothing about gold GTIs, tax evasion,
16:02or Jonathan Ross, whoever he is.
16:05What do you think, James?
16:06What do you think, James?
16:08Sorry?
16:09Do you think rubber's a solid investment option?
16:11Do you know I lay awake all last night worrying about just breakfast?
16:15Tossing and turning.
16:16Will rubber go up or down?
16:18I didn't sleep a wink.
16:20You don't seem to take much interest in money.
16:23Well, why should I?
16:24It's never taken much interest in me.
16:26You must have put a bit on one side over the last few years.
16:29Oh, yes.
16:29I've got a bit of savings.
16:31Been on the road teaching English to rich foreigners.
16:34You know, key useful phrases like,
16:36I would like to buy Harrods, and can I join the Masons?
16:41Must have been interesting, seeing the world, working in different countries.
16:45Well, basically, all countries are the same the whole world over.
16:48Full of Germans.
16:51Have you noticed many changes here?
16:53Well, some things never change.
16:55I mean, basic scientific principles like Newton's first law of motion,
16:59which states that luggage always travels in the equal and opposite direction to its owner.
17:05But, yes, I am noticing some changes.
17:07I don't remember places like this, for instance.
17:09There seems to be a lot more money around.
17:11At least there does here.
17:12Yes, economically, things have really perked up in the last few years.
17:16Lots of the more monolithic institutions have been privatised.
17:19This is a share-owning democracy now.
17:21Yes, my cabbie was explaining that to me on the way in from the airport.
17:24I think he's bought some shares in the Ku Klux Klan.
17:28They haven't gone public, have they?
17:29I haven't heard anything.
17:31You see, the ordinary working-class bloke-in-the-street type person
17:35now has a personal stake in capitalism, and it's only just beginning.
17:38Well, I can't wait to get a bit of the action.
17:40In fact, I hear there's a big privatisation of a national asset next month.
17:44Really? I haven't heard of that one.
17:46Oh, yes.
17:47BG.
17:48BG.
17:49British Grandmothers.
17:51They're going to sell off all Britain's grandmothers.
17:53Should reap a huge profit.
17:55British grannies are admired the whole world over,
17:57and with the revenue, the government is going to brick up the whole of Wales
18:01and use it as a septic tank.
18:04What's he talking about?
18:05James here is obviously a throwback to the days when it all started going wrong
18:09until this generation put it right.
18:11You are a product of the 60s, aren't you?
18:14Well, yes, I was at university in the 60s.
18:17Really? I never bothered with university.
18:19Such a waste of time.
18:20Of course it's a waste of time. That's what's so great about it.
18:23What were the 60s like?
18:25You all slept around a lot, right?
18:27Oh, all the time.
18:29It was compulsory.
18:30In fact, if you slept with the same girl twice,
18:35they burnt your flares and banished you from the king's robe.
18:39But, I mean, I've seen the films and things.
18:41It was all pretty permissive, wasn't it?
18:43It was Sodom and Gomorrah.
18:46Nymphomaniacs would break into your house in the dead of night
18:48and force you to commit unspeakable sexual acts
18:51with fruit and household pets.
18:54What sort of sexual acts?
18:55Don't pay any attention, Graham.
18:57You can see.
18:59She's right again, Graham. Sorry.
19:01What really happened in the 60s, Graham,
19:03was that everyone was indulgent and decadent
19:06and wasted their time on all that love and peace and jostics.
19:09And it spawned a generation of wishy-washy liberals
19:11who couldn't run a sweet shop.
19:13Or a sweatshop.
19:15You see? Sarcasm again.
19:17It's all that these glib intellectual types have to fall back on.
19:20Shall we talk about something else?
19:21Yes. Let's get back to the credit deals you can get on BMW.
19:24Now, it's funny you should say that
19:25because a friend of mine knows a fellow in Edgewell.
19:27He's not interested in BMWs, Gerald.
19:30He looks down on money.
19:32His generation are always poo-pooing wealth creators like us.
19:36Wealth creators?
19:37Yes.
19:38You're an estate agent.
19:39You don't create any wealth.
19:41You just take other people's.
19:44Let's change the subject, shall we?
19:46I do not just take other people's wealth.
19:49You do.
19:50You take it and at best, well, most you do is just shove it around.
19:58Shove it around?
19:59Yeah.
20:01Like, um...
20:03A muck spreader.
20:07Now, I didn't go to university,
20:09so I'd just like to check I've understood you correctly.
20:14You are calling me...
20:18A muck spreader.
20:19A muck spreader.
20:21Am I right?
20:29Well, congratulations, Shelley,
20:33on a personal best, possibly a world record.
20:36The fastest ever eviction.
20:38I was a tenant for exactly two hours, 12 minutes.
20:46Dear Fran,
20:48well, here I am back in England.
20:51The whole country is celebrating my return,
20:53and tomorrow has been declared a national holiday.
20:56I've been in touch with some of our old friends,
20:59and tomorrow night I'm going out for a reunion drink
21:01with their answer phones.
21:04You'll be pleased to hear
21:05that I'm already making a success of things.
21:07Because I've succeeded in making myself homeless
21:10by calling my landlord a muck spreader.
21:13Oh, and I've, uh, discovered a cheap way
21:15you could go on holiday to Madrid.
21:17You simply book a flight to London,
21:19then climb inside your suitcase.
21:25Hi.
21:26Got a message from Carol.
21:27She says she doesn't think she should let her emotions
21:29get in the way of what is basically a business transaction,
21:32and she shouldn't have let your outmoded views get to her.
21:35There was something else,
21:36but I can't remember it now.
21:37Something about faded, 60s, hippie, drop-out...
21:39Yes, I think I get the gist, thank you.
21:42So, if you want to stay, no sweat.
21:44Tripp.
21:45Brill.
21:46Carol's all right once you get to know her.
21:48She's just got a bit of a thing about some things,
21:50that's all.
21:50Like not going to university, for instance.
21:52She failed some O-levels once
21:54and never really got over it.
21:56You okay in here?
21:57Fine.
21:58Ciao.
21:59Ciao.
21:59A correction.
22:03I have not been evicted.
22:06Carol, the muck spreader,
22:08has spared me on the grounds that it makes her feel superior,
22:13which is fine by me.
22:15Carol is hard to describe.
22:19She's a sort of human version of Margaret Thatcher.
22:22Her husband, Graham, is a warm, affable enough type,
22:26friendly, energetic, full of beans,
22:28but like a red setter.
22:31Only not nearly as intelligent.
22:33I hope you are well and happy.
22:38I'll record a message for Emma after this one.
22:40Lots of love.
22:47John Sholley.
22:49James Shelley.
22:51Oh, yeah, that must be it.
22:53Now, I brought your bag.
22:54Can you sign for it?
22:58Right, sir, have a nice day.
23:00What did you say?
23:01Have a nice day.
23:03It's 10.30 a night.
23:07Well, I don't know.
23:08We just hope to say it to people.
23:11Sort of PR thing, you know.
23:14Personally, I couldn't give them monkeys
23:15what sort of day you have.
23:21Well, that's better.
23:22Good old-fashioned honesty.
23:25Yeah, cheerio.
23:25Yeah.
23:26Have a crappy old week.
23:31Dear Fran,
23:35my bag has been returned.
23:38I am a man of property again.
23:41I own pyjamas
23:42and underpants and socks
23:44and I own an empty suitcase.
23:49Well, Fran,
23:50I think I'll end this transmission now
23:52as I don't want you to hear me cry.
23:53Welcome home, Shelley.
23:58Thank you so much.