Complete playlist:
https://dailymotion.com/playlist/x9np9k
https://dailymotion.com/playlist/x9np9k
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Satsang with Mooji
00:30Whatever did you do with your daughter?
00:38Just took her down to the park, watched the ducks.
00:40Had to go on the swings. Why?
00:42She just seemed tired. I put her to bed and she's out like a light.
00:46Well, when I'm on a swing, I am quite awake to push up and down.
00:50I was very careful.
00:52Do I get a cup of coffee before I go?
00:54Sure.
00:58She's okay, is she?
01:00I mean, she doesn't seem to have a lot to say for herself.
01:03It's hardly surprising.
01:05By your standards, Clive Jenkins looks like he's got lockjaw.
01:08It's just they say children with one parent pick up less vocabulary.
01:12I mean, this separation can't be good for her.
01:15Milk and sugar?
01:16Well, you've forgotten.
01:18Well, I thought you'd changed.
01:19You had it black when I brought Emma around to the flat.
01:21I have changed.
01:23I'm fast becoming a well-organized and solvent householder.
01:27Solvent?
01:28I've nearly paid back my overdraft.
01:30With what?
01:31Back in advertising.
01:33Yes.
01:34Hmm.
01:34I know I've been changing jobs like most people change their socks,
01:37but this one looks good.
01:39And not starvation wages?
01:41Well, I'm not on the gas board's ten most wanted list anymore.
01:44Well, the electricity board's the only troublemaker.
01:48Yes.
01:49They ask you to pay for the electricity you use.
01:52No, I've adopted a new and revolutionary policy when faced with bills.
01:56What now?
01:57I pay them.
01:58Well, we should have thought of it earlier.
01:59It has a remarkable effect.
02:01They don't cut off your services.
02:02Except the electricity board who do it just for fun.
02:09£149 for a quarter.
02:11Whatever have you been doing?
02:13That's why I keep asking them.
02:15I mean, they seem to think I've installed an electroplating factory in the airing cupboard.
02:19I'm going round to their hideout this afternoon.
02:25It's near where I work.
02:26You working on a Saturday?
02:28Well, just a couple of hours, you know.
02:30Trying to make a good impression.
02:31Not so much impressed as amazed.
02:33Yes.
02:34Well, I'd better be off, actually.
02:36Right.
02:37I'll ring you about next week.
02:39Is Emma getting difficult?
02:41Asking awkward questions about you and me.
02:44Hmm.
02:44Such as?
02:46Isn't Daddy a bit old to have a go on the slide?
02:49Oh, well.
02:52Us big advertising executives can't afford to be late.
02:55Phew.
02:59LAUGHTER
03:19Now, can I help you?
03:24Hmm.
03:24I think you've made a mistake reading my meter.
03:27Hmm.
03:28Probably.
03:29LAUGHTER
03:29Yes.
03:33So, can you do something about it?
03:35Well, not really.
03:36No.
03:39Well, it's the electricity board, isn't it?
03:42And they're hopeless.
03:43The trouble I've had.
03:44But this is the electricity board.
03:48Well, that's how I know.
03:50LAUGHTER
03:50How much are they ripping you off, then?
03:54I think they just picked a number between 1 and 10
03:56and added lots of noughts.
03:57LAUGHTER
03:58It's only £149.
04:01You're lucky.
04:03A bloke in here the other day
04:04got the bill for the local sports complex.
04:07£1,028.
04:09He wouldn't pay, either.
04:11I suppose they'd cut him off.
04:15No.
04:16No?
04:16No, they tried to,
04:17but they got the wrong house.
04:20She was in here the next day and all.
04:22Oh, it's dreadful it is.
04:23All the electricity board feels sorry for them.
04:26Look, I'm not paying this.
04:28I keep sending them letters,
04:29they just don't reply.
04:30It's like the black hole.
04:31Oh.
04:32It'll be the computer, then.
04:35Sorry?
04:36It's foolproof.
04:38Can't make a mistake.
04:39So when it does,
04:41there's no way of finding out.
04:43LAUGHTER
04:43But they did it to me.
04:46This is unfair.
04:47I came in here determined to be very angry.
04:50I think that's why they put me here.
04:52You know, fellow sufferer.
04:55And Mr J, who used to do it,
04:57got assaulted twice.
04:59Yes, well, could I see someone
05:00slightly more assaultable?
05:02Preferably one of your bosses.
05:04Oh, yeah.
05:05Serve him right having to talk to you.
05:06Beth, hello?
05:11And Mr Shelley here for Jaws 3.
05:15LAUGHTER
05:15Yeah, I'll tell him.
05:19Oh, no, it's only £149, this one.
05:23Yeah, I know.
05:24As much hope as an ice cube in hell,
05:27but you know how they are the first time they come.
05:29LAUGHTER
05:30And you, love?
05:32Uh, Mr Cotton will be with you in two minutes.
05:42I should have known he meant
05:43two minutes electricity board time.
05:46LAUGHTER
05:47Of course, it's the same in America.
05:52Eh?
05:52LAUGHTER
05:53Well, it's just what Mr Cotton says.
05:56Their public services aren't any better, you know.
05:59Oh, I know.
05:59That's why they're having a recession, of course.
06:02Eh?
06:02Capital punishment.
06:05Ever since they brought back the chair
06:07as the death penalty,
06:08the country can't afford to pay their electricity bill.
06:11LAUGHTER
06:12Oh.
06:15I wonder what happened before electricity.
06:18You know, how the Americans killed each other.
06:20They're cooking.
06:21LAUGHTER
06:22Yeah, but before that?
06:25They had the Ben Franklin natural electric chair.
06:28Really?
06:29Mm.
06:29The accused had a bucket of water thrown over him
06:32and was strapped to a lightning conductor
06:34on top of a church.
06:36LAUGHTER
06:36Then they just prayed for a thunderstorm.
06:41LAUGHTER
06:42Had to wait years, some of them.
06:44Still, very energy conscious.
06:47You're having me on, aren't you?
06:48Lying through my teeth.
06:49Hmm.
06:50You could get a job here
06:52in our publicity department.
06:53LAUGHTER
06:53Oh, Mr...
06:58Shelley.
07:00Yes.
07:01Oh, sorry.
07:03Just sorting out a customer relations problem.
07:06Hanging or breaking on the wheel?
07:09LAUGHTER
07:09Hanging.
07:12We're all out of wheels at the moment.
07:14What can I do for you?
07:15Send me a bill
07:16without the British national debt on it.
07:18LAUGHTER
07:19You think it's high?
07:20Somewhere between daylight robbery and piracy.
07:24LAUGHTER
07:24Presumably, you don't remain in your flat all day, Mr Shelley.
07:29No, I spend a large part of it
07:30wasting my time hanging around your offices.
07:33Exactly.
07:34So you can't be sure
07:35that someone's not been using your electricity
07:37while you were out?
07:38Oh, yes.
07:39Robbers breaking into my flat
07:41to recharge their electric toothbrushes.
07:43LAUGHTER
07:43It's the same in America, you know.
07:47Yeah.
07:47Do you, uh, know about
07:50Ben Franklin's natural electric chair?
07:53LAUGHTER
07:53I'm sorry.
07:58LAUGHTER
07:58Mr Shelley, there really is nothing more we can do.
08:01I had a look at your past record
08:02of bill non-payment
08:04before I came out here.
08:05Not surprising you were so long.
08:07Exactly.
08:09But I'm a reformed character.
08:10I am willing to pay a bill
08:11for normal gross over-pricing.
08:14Good day, Mr Shelley.
08:15Of course, I could make life very difficult
08:17for you over this.
08:19I do work in the media.
08:24LAUGHTER
08:25I just decided to take some work home.
08:33LAUGHTER
08:33We close in ten minutes.
08:36If you're still here at that time,
08:37I shall call the police.
08:38Oh, yeah.
08:40I've heard that before.
08:41LAUGHTER
08:46LAUGHTER
08:50LAUGHTER
09:03LAUGHTER
09:04It's a bit early for drunks, isn't it?
09:15Yeah, I slapped the bracelets on him at the electricity board.
09:18What was he doing?
09:19A job?
09:20Well, he refused to move until they dealt with his complaint.
09:24And you arrested him?
09:26Do you like paperwork, Lampowski?
09:31You've been like this since you got turned down by the SPG.
09:34I did not get turned down.
09:36I withdrew my application.
09:38Uh, do I get a say in this?
09:40No, shut up.
09:41Yeah, cut the lip, huh?
09:43Uh, you lot have been watching too many American cop serials.
09:50This Kojak with acne turns up muttering incomprehensible gibberish
09:55from the teach yourself to ask you a much book of threads,
09:58arrests me after haltingly reading a legal warning
10:02that he's got biro'd on his wrist,
10:04whereupon convoys of police vans descend
10:07so he can play French Connection 3
10:09and jump lights at 80 all the way to the station.
10:13You're right.
10:14He is mouthy.
10:15Kojak with acne, huh?
10:21You trying to tell me something, bright boy?
10:25No, you're right.
10:26You're nothing like Kojak.
10:28If you sucked a lollipop, they'd think you were Shirley Temple.
10:30Let me have him.
10:33Oh, God, you two are bringing on my migraine.
10:37I think I'd better book you
10:39or you'll sulk and start arresting old ladies for jaywalking again.
10:43Let's see, uh, obstruction, do you?
10:47Of what?
10:48Well, obstruction's anything from blocking the M4 with a bulldozer
10:51to wearing odd socks.
10:54Name?
10:54Son, this.
10:59Bloody hell.
11:02You use a lot of electricity.
11:04That is why I was sitting at the electricity board.
11:08Occupation?
11:10Mass murderer.
11:14Occupation?
11:16I work in advertising.
11:17I'm self-unemployed.
11:24Seems kinder in the circumstances.
11:27Address?
11:28I refuse to say anything else
11:29until I see my solicitor.
11:32North West 2, is that?
11:35Address.
11:39A grade, he says.
11:40What's your address?
11:44Oh, gold, whiter night.
11:47I don't know why they did away with transportation.
11:50Just forget the paperwork
11:51and ship them off to Australia.
11:55Mind even that didn't work.
11:57Gold knows why everyone who stole sheep in the 19th century
12:00bred demon fast bowlers for grandchildren.
12:06Maybe it's throwing rocks at wallabies.
12:10Soge.
12:11What?
12:12Oh, bung him in the cell for now.
12:14You can't do that.
12:15Huck!
12:16Did I hear a noise?
12:20You cannot put me in a cell without charging me.
12:24We can do you for a lot more, buddy.
12:27Interfering with a police officer going about his duty, for example.
12:31Confiscating his Mr. Plod plastic six-shooter in your case.
12:34Just let me have him.
12:36Enough.
12:39Put him in cell three.
12:41What about me ringing my solicitor?
12:43You have the right to make one telephone call.
12:46Unless it is liable to...
12:48To...
12:49Wrong wrist, is it?
12:51Unless it is liable to
12:52indefer the police investigations in your case.
12:55I have the right to...
12:56Oh, for God's sake, let him make the call.
13:01Where is it?
13:04Over here.
13:05Um, excuse me.
13:15What now?
13:16Couldn't lend me 5p, could you?
13:17Okay.
13:21Oh, for God.
13:25I'm sorry.
13:26I'm sorry.
13:30How did...
13:37How did...
13:37You had done so many generations
13:40Cosillo's mother
13:40I had my wife
13:41But I didn't know
13:42I had not seen
13:43In a world
13:45Well, I really
13:46I didn't know
13:47Andанию
13:47What is it, then?
13:49Drunk and disorderly?
13:53Willfully making jokes at the expense of a police officer.
13:57Eh?
14:00Obstruction.
14:01Oh, you lucky sock.
14:05Lucky?
14:06Yeah, cold night like this.
14:08They don't usually let you in just for obstruction.
14:11I do have a flat to live in.
14:14Oh.
14:16Oity-toity.
14:17I'm just trying to explain that I don't want to be here.
14:23Oh.
14:24I don't want you to be here.
14:27I want this place of my own.
14:31You see?
14:32I made a deal with the local Rother, you see.
14:36On cold nights, I used to throw bottles at him until he arrested me.
14:41You see?
14:43Then he'd get pissed off with that.
14:44And he started whacking me on the arm with his truncheon.
14:49So now I don't throw in anything anymore.
14:53He just says I do.
14:55You see?
14:57So there's less trouble for him, me, for both of us.
14:59You should try that.
15:00Wish I had.
15:01I suffered Constable Lampowski auditioning for Hollywood.
15:05I won't hear a word said against Constable Lampowski.
15:10He's a wonderful human being.
15:15Eh?
15:16He'll arrest you for anything.
15:22Or I've just remembered you didn't want to be arrested.
15:27Well, as it's wrecked any chance of saving my marriage, I think, on balance, no.
15:32I've just had to ring up my wife and tell her I'm in prison.
15:35I'm Jim.
15:36See, I've got a medical problem.
15:40Really?
15:41Yes.
15:44What is that?
15:47I said, I thought that would have been bloody obvious.
15:52I'm an alcoholic.
15:56Ten green bottles.
15:59Oh, now we know that one.
16:01Yes.
16:04I used to be respectable, you know.
16:06Can't hold my head up now.
16:09Can't hold my body up half the time.
16:17But you see these?
16:18I've got all my own teeth.
16:21You?
16:22Mm.
16:24And you've got your own wife, too.
16:26No, I got her on the National Health.
16:28Which you said you had.
16:32We're no longer together.
16:35Well, I can see that.
16:38And I know why she left you.
16:41The drunkenness.
16:44Makes them very angry, you know.
16:46Oh, it did.
16:47Living with me, she couldn't afford to get drunk.
16:49Now, my missus, well, I mean, she used to come running up and down here, you know, bailing me out.
16:56But she got fed up with that.
16:58In the end, went off with another man.
17:01The desk sergeant, as a matter of fact.
17:06And then there's the liver.
17:08There's that.
17:10Oh.
17:10It swells up so big that you can't lie down.
17:15It's like two of you in the bed.
17:19For me, I prefer the wife.
17:23The medievals knew all about that, you know.
17:25Any bodily organ that you use too much gets bigger.
17:31Well, I mean, if you don't use it, it just fades to nothing.
17:41Like Constable Lampowski's brain.
17:44I won't hear anything said about his brain.
17:47Sorry.
17:50I just hope the bodily organ I'm not using doesn't...
17:57Ah, really, it's a sin.
18:01This drunkenness.
18:02Actually, I'm not.
18:05Oh, no, now I remember.
18:06Yes, you will.
18:07Sorry.
18:09Hmm.
18:10Well, why did your wife leave you then?
18:13Another man?
18:14Yes, her father.
18:16She only agreed to the marriage at all because she was expecting.
18:20You are going to make my grandchild legitimate, he said.
18:24As I see it, either way, I'm going to have one bastard in the family and I'd rather it was you.
18:31I don't know why I'm telling you all this.
18:38Ah, odd.
18:41People do, you know.
18:44They feel that they can talk to me.
18:47They tell me all their most intimate problems.
18:50I suppose it's because they know that I'm not listening.
18:59That'll be it.
19:00Or I forget.
19:01Yeah, the things I could tell you, some of the stories, eh?
19:09If I hadn't forgotten.
19:12Never mind.
19:14See these?
19:15I haven't had a feeling in the last 60 years.
19:18Well, maybe it was someone else.
19:33Okay, you.
19:34Outside.
19:34Mm-hmm.
19:35Shout, if he gives you any trouble.
19:45How's your new start coming along?
19:47I can explain.
19:51I say, it's all on account of him not giving you enough money to get drunk.
19:57What?
19:58I got arrested at the electricity board over that bill.
20:03So you were in trouble over money?
20:05No.
20:06So they just took you in to tell you the advantages of night storage heaters?
20:12Shall we start again?
20:14Right.
20:15I was saying, it's all on account of him not giving you enough money to get drunk.
20:21I mean, I didn't think you'd have to come.
20:24I thought you'd just get a solicitor.
20:26Yours is on holiday.
20:28And yours?
20:29He prefers to steer clear of such unsavoury cases.
20:33Oh, God.
20:34So have you brought Emma?
20:36Oh, of course.
20:37And for your next weekend with her, I'll take her up to Wormwood Scrubs and you can show around.
20:43I left her with Mrs. H.
20:45What'd you tell her?
20:46I said my ex-husband had been arrested.
20:49And I suppose she said she's warned you.
20:50She wanted to know if any character witnesses were required.
20:55Really?
20:56By the prosecution.
20:58And he wants to marry you again.
20:59Thank you, Jim.
21:00Actually, we are getting along fine.
21:02What have you been saying?
21:03Nothing.
21:04No, no, no.
21:05I wanted to help save you two, young people.
21:08Look, why don't you call it all off now and save your marriage that way?
21:12After all, it's not as if he's drunk anymore.
21:14I suppose you discuss our marriage with everyone you meet.
21:16No.
21:17I feel that I must really do something with my life.
21:22So I've decided I'm going to help you two young people to bury the hatchet.
21:28After all, it's your daughter, you know.
21:35Your daughter.
21:36Daughters need all the love and understanding and patience and kindness that only a mother
21:43and father can give.
21:45You owe it to them.
21:50Especially as I believe they were nearly illegitimate.
21:57Shelley, I hope you're about to get life.
22:00I'm afraid not, miss.
22:01We've decided not to press charges.
22:03You can go.
22:04Oh, no, officer.
22:06I really did throw bottles.
22:07Not you, you daft drunk.
22:09Him.
22:11Oh.
22:13Well, uh...
22:14Good luck then, Jim.
22:17Bye-bye, Jim, yes.
22:18That's it.
22:19And don't forget when she gets drunk again.
22:20Yeah, yeah, yeah.
22:21Thanks.
22:21Let's go.
22:25Incidentally, miss, I should like to make it clear that your dad ringing up had no bearing
22:28on our decision.
22:30Things like that don't influence us.
22:32Even though he was once a magistrate.
22:34Now, how are you getting home this time of night?
22:37Shall I call you a cab?
22:39Oh, thank you.
22:39Just take a seat.
22:42Ringing your car.
22:42Shelley.
22:44Why did you tell that drunk about us?
22:47I mean, I'm amazed the sergeant didn't know we were married.
22:49I'm amazed he didn't know the colour of our duvet and whether the lights were on or off.
22:52I wouldn't tell him.
22:53I'd already been into details of that at the electricity board.
22:57It's not funny.
22:58No, no.
22:59I just needed to talk to someone and he promised to have a bad memory.
23:02It seemed unerringly accurate to me.
23:05Hmm.
23:06And after what you said this morning.
23:09Why do I talk to people who remember what I say?
23:13I did mean it, you know.
23:15About being sober, solvent and respectable.
23:18I don't think I'd like you like that anyway.
23:20Good.
23:21I'll be wanton, criminal and irresponsible.
23:24No change then.
23:25I can't win.
23:26You really have got a job.
23:30I really have got a job.
23:32In advertising.
23:33In advertising.
23:35Excellent prospect.
23:36Oh, Shelley, that's not really what I care about.
23:38Your tax is here.
23:40Thanks.
23:40Come on.
23:42Uh, Fran, I think I'd better tell you something about this job.
23:45Haven't you forgotten something?
23:46What?
23:47Oh, my God.