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00:00:00I've been walking these streets so long
00:00:30Singing the single song
00:00:33I know every crack on every dirty sidewalk on Broadway
00:00:39But hustling's the name of the game
00:00:43The nice guys get washed away like the snow in the rain
00:00:48There'll be a lot of compromising
00:00:54On the road to my horizon
00:00:57I'm gonna be where the lights are shining on me
00:01:03Like a rhinestone cowboy
00:01:06Hey!
00:01:08Riding down on my horse in a star-spangled rodeo
00:01:12I'm on a horsey
00:01:14Like a rhinestone cowboy
00:01:16I'm on a horse
00:01:18Getting cards and letters from people
00:01:21Like I'm leaving now
00:01:23And offers coming over to the phone
00:01:27Oh, well, I've found
00:01:29Hey, it's your own name
00:01:31And off he goes
00:01:36Hey, oh, it's the Harry's, ladies and gentlemen
00:01:44It's the Harry's
00:01:44Welcome, welcome, welcome
00:01:50What's your name?
00:01:51Where you from?
00:01:52Hey, what's your name?
00:01:53Hey, what's your name?
00:01:54Where you from, darling?
00:01:55What's your name?
00:01:56Where you from?
00:01:57What's your name?
00:01:57Where you from?
00:01:58Where you from?
00:01:59What's your name?
00:01:59Where you from?
00:02:00What's your name?
00:02:00Where you from?
00:02:01What's your name?
00:02:02Where you from?
00:02:03What's your star sign?
00:02:04What's your star sign?
00:02:05What's your star sign?
00:02:06What's your name?
00:02:07Where you from?
00:02:07What's your star sign?
00:02:09Danone
00:02:09Now, um, hey, hmm, hey, hmm, baldy, hmm, baldy, hmm, baldy, hmm, baldy, four eyes, baldy, hmm, four eyes, hmm, dull, lifeless hair.
00:02:22Now, um, why is it only Tudor buildings do we mock them, eh? Why, hmm, hmm, hmm, find me and follow me, the dark of the matinee, dark of the matinee, the dark of the matinee, and so it goes on.
00:02:37Now, I, I remember, hmm, I remember the shouts of scab, hmm, oh yeah, as my dad went to work, hmm, during the great dermatologist strike, hmm, scab, hmm, don't pick it, no, don't pick it, hmm, leave open to the air, anyone, er, anyone got a dog, anyone got a dog?
00:03:07Hmm, it's all, yeah, hmm, you got a dog? Hmm, give him a peanut.
00:03:12Now, the, he, hmm, I got a dog, you, er, hmm, you're welcome, sir, stand up, stand up, that's it, what's your name, what's your name?
00:03:20Brian.
00:03:21Brian, congratulations, you're a DVD extra.
00:03:24And so it goes on.
00:03:34Now, the, there'll be a menu, DVD extras, Mike.
00:03:39So, um, Nick, oh, it's Mike.
00:03:44So, uh, standing up, give him a peanut.
00:03:48Now, um, I, uh, my nan has been, she died again.
00:03:52Nan.
00:03:54Mm, poor, mm, poor, mm, poor old nan.
00:03:57She'd been ill for a while.
00:03:58Yeah, she's supposed to have that oxygen at home, you know, the oxygen cylinders, er, but because of the cutbacks, they just gave her, er, a snorkel.
00:04:05They just, er, er, now, er, back me up.
00:04:09So, you know the, er, you know the fine black foam rubber coverings that you get on the Walkman earphones, hmm?
00:04:16You know the fine black foam rubber coverings you get on the Walkman earphones, it makes an excellent beret for a caterpillar.
00:04:26You're all doing it when you get home, weren't you?
00:04:29Get the Walkman earphones.
00:04:30Yeah, it's French night down at the Cabbage Patch.
00:04:32It's a blackbird, quick, you save yourself, Nicole, I'll distract it.
00:04:45Now, I understand, there, er, I understand there are a large party of Scottish people down here tonight, a large party of...
00:04:54Oh, kill that researcher!
00:04:59Oh, kill him!
00:05:01Oh, the good life!
00:05:10Oh, Tom! Oh, Barbara! Oh, Jerry!
00:05:13I see Margot! I see Margot! I see Tom! Tom! Barbara! Jerry!
00:05:17Good evening, Tom! Hello, Barbara! Good evening, Jerry! Hello, Tom!
00:05:20Barbara! Jerry! Tom! Barbara! Jerry!
00:05:22I see Barbara! One of the pigs is dying!
00:05:25Hey, Tom!
00:05:25Oh, Barbara! Hey, Jerry!
00:05:27No, um...
00:05:28Oh!
00:05:29It's you! It's you! It's you!
00:05:33So, what I want you to do, sir, all day, life is here.
00:05:38Fine, fly away, here.
00:05:41Unnecessary frizz!
00:05:42Unnecessary...
00:05:43Unnecessary frizz!
00:05:45What do you need on that?
00:05:46A little bit of frizzies.
00:05:49A little bit of frizzies on that.
00:05:50Sort that out for you.
00:05:51What, uh...
00:05:52What I want you to, uh, do, sir, is as I move my hand, shout the word quack, all right?
00:05:58Quack!
00:05:58Go on!
00:05:59Quack!
00:05:59That's it!
00:06:00Quack!
00:06:01Go on!
00:06:01Quack!
00:06:02Quack!
00:06:02Go on!
00:06:03Quack!
00:06:03Quack!
00:06:04Quack!
00:06:04Quack!
00:06:05Quack!
00:06:05Quack!
00:06:06Quack!
00:06:06Quack!
00:06:07Quack!
00:06:07Quack!
00:06:08Quack!
00:06:14Quack!
00:06:14Yeah, see how you like it.
00:06:15See how you like it.
00:06:20I've seen you down the duck pond.
00:06:21I've seen you. Is that what it means, Mr. Duck expert? Is that what it means?
00:06:27It means no bread at my face. Is that what it means?
00:06:35Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
00:06:37The only reason they turn up when you go there with that bread is to clear it away.
00:06:42And they don't have to leave it for a couple of days. It'll start to stink.
00:06:46How's a duck supposed to make bread?
00:06:48It's the natural food of the duck. Bread.
00:06:51Well, he'd stand on the dough and knead it with his beak, I suppose.
00:06:55All right, I'll give you that.
00:07:01So there she was, Nan. She's been a bit confused. God bless her.
00:07:05Yeah, I'd be out with her. She's lost to marbles pretty much.
00:07:09Very sad.
00:07:10Name a bird, sir. Name a bird.
00:07:13Swan.
00:07:14It's already been taken.
00:07:14Congratulations, you're a DVD extra.
00:07:23So there she was, right, Nan.
00:07:28It'd be embarrassing, right? She'd shout stuff out, right?
00:07:31We'd be out together.
00:07:32She'd shout things like,
00:07:33Oi, you, go back to Africa where you belong, right?
00:07:36Cry out loud.
00:07:37Right? It's embarrassing.
00:07:39She's going, Oi, you, go back to India.
00:07:41You're not wanted here.
00:07:42For crying out loud, Nan.
00:07:43Put a sock in it. It's embarrassing.
00:07:45She's going, Oi, you, go back to Papua New Guinea
00:07:47where the rest of your lot come from.
00:07:49We don't want your sock round here.
00:07:52I said to a Nan,
00:07:53It's a zoo.
00:07:59It's a zoo.
00:07:59It's a zoo.
00:08:00It's a zoo.
00:08:01It's a zoo.
00:08:01Now, um,
00:08:03he's got a what breed, sir?
00:08:04What breed, Mike?
00:08:05It is Mike, isn't it?
00:08:05Brian.
00:08:06Brian.
00:08:07No one corrected me.
00:08:11Brian.
00:08:12Yes.
00:08:13How, uh, hmm?
00:08:14Yorkshire Terrier.
00:08:15The Yorkshire Terrier.
00:08:16What, um,
00:08:17two little Yorkshire Terriers,
00:08:19uh, working as a team.
00:08:21Highly effective.
00:08:21What's it bred for?
00:08:23The Yorkshire Terrier?
00:08:25Originally?
00:08:27Oh, idea.
00:08:27No idea.
00:08:28Not interested.
00:08:28Hmm?
00:08:29It's a sort of a ladies' dog, isn't it?
00:08:32More of a sort of a ladies' dog.
00:08:34You have it for your wife.
00:08:35Your wife.
00:08:36You would take the Yorkshire Terriers out,
00:08:38my darling.
00:08:39Uh, am I right in thinking that your wife is, uh,
00:08:41unable to have children for her?
00:08:44Yeah?
00:08:45Unable to have children.
00:08:46So you've got the two little Yorkies in there.
00:08:48You shut her up, basically.
00:08:49Shut her up.
00:08:50Um, shut up.
00:08:51Take the dog down.
00:08:53Um, give her a biscuit.
00:08:55So, um, see, different dogs are bred for different purposes.
00:08:59This is the point I'm making.
00:09:00You see, all these people who haven't got dogs,
00:09:02non-dog owners, right?
00:09:03And understand it.
00:09:04You're thinking to yourself, you know,
00:09:06a dog's for life, not just for Christmas, aren't you?
00:09:08You know, but you know, if you get a sick one,
00:09:09or a very, you know, an old one, a very old dog,
00:09:12just see you through to February.
00:09:15What's the problem?
00:09:17What's the problem with you people?
00:09:19The, uh, different breeds are bred for different purposes.
00:09:22The Yorkshire Terrier originally, I think,
00:09:23was, uh, bred to retrieve, uh, handbags
00:09:26from the back seat of a car.
00:09:28The Corgi, on the other hand,
00:09:30the Corgi, she must never be queen.
00:09:32The Corgi is, uh...
00:09:35Hmm?
00:09:36She, it's, yeah, that is bred
00:09:38to, uh, approve the work of gas fitters.
00:09:44He's small, right?
00:09:47He's small.
00:09:48He can get under a low cupboard there
00:09:49and have a sniff of that.
00:09:52No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:09:55No, no, no, no.
00:09:56I couldn't possibly approve that.
00:09:58You see that?
00:10:00See that, that, uh, there should be a vent there, by the way.
00:10:04I couldn't possibly approve it.
00:10:05No.
00:10:06And the reason there's so much bad gas work about, right?
00:10:09Yeah, he's small, he can get under there,
00:10:11but he's very easily bribed, the Corgi.
00:10:15I couldn't possibly see you, you know,
00:10:16two centimetres above your skirt in there.
00:10:18You should have a T-valve.
00:10:21Do you want a biscuit?
00:10:22All right, I'll approve it this time.
00:10:23Don't you know?
00:10:23Don't tell no one about it.
00:10:26Don't tell no one.
00:10:27So, uh, anyone got a van?
00:10:31Anyone got a van?
00:10:32It's all, Brian, you got a van?
00:10:33The double?
00:10:34No.
00:10:34Okay.
00:10:35That's right, you never see them anymore, do you, Vance?
00:10:37You're trying to spoil my DVD.
00:10:44See, my, see, I bought a new van.
00:10:45That's my big story, basically.
00:10:47Got a new van.
00:10:47And when you get a van, right, the first thing you do,
00:10:49you get the sticker for the back of the van,
00:10:51no tools kept in the van overnight.
00:10:54Hmm?
00:10:55So I've got that on the back of the van, right?
00:10:56No tools kept in the van overnight,
00:10:59but, uh, the, uh, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the fact is,
00:11:08I do keep tools in the van overnight.
00:11:12There's no way of knowing.
00:11:22There's no way of knowing.
00:11:24Ah, can't.
00:11:26Back me up on this.
00:11:27Gamblers Anonymous.
00:11:28How do they know where to send your winnings?
00:11:31Um, so, uh, you get that problem with the wasps in the, uh, supermarket,
00:11:36you're up at the till there,
00:11:37and she's ringing your stuff up like that.
00:11:39Bip, bip, bip.
00:11:41And a wasp keeps flying past the scanner, right?
00:11:43Bip, bip.
00:11:45Because of his stripy tail.
00:11:48He's ringing himself up.
00:11:51Bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip.
00:11:5412p, wasp.
00:11:57Don't put the till so near the bins.
00:11:59Should we do that thing we do sometimes?
00:12:02The tribute to the soul singers of the past,
00:12:04who may or may not be deceased.
00:12:07Duh, duh, duh, duh.
00:12:09Mr. Marvin Gaye.
00:12:11Marvin.
00:12:12Marvin.
00:12:12Marvin.
00:12:13Marvin.
00:12:13Marvin.
00:12:14Marvin.
00:12:14Marvin.
00:12:15Marvin.
00:12:15Marvin.
00:12:16Marvin.
00:12:16Marvin.
00:12:17Marvin.
00:12:17Marvin.
00:12:18Marvin.
00:12:18Marvin.
00:12:19Marvin.
00:12:19Marvin.
00:12:20Marvin.
00:12:20Marvin.
00:12:21Marvin.
00:12:21Marvin.
00:12:22Marvin.
00:12:22Marvin.
00:12:23Marvin.
00:12:24Marvin.
00:12:24Marvin.
00:12:25Marvin.
00:12:26Marvin.
00:12:26Marvin.
00:12:27Marvin.
00:12:27Marvin.
00:12:28Marvin.
00:12:28Marvin.
00:12:29Marvin.
00:12:29Marvin.
00:12:30Marvin.
00:12:30Marvin.
00:12:31Marvin.
00:12:31Marvin.
00:12:32Marvin.
00:12:33Marvin.
00:12:33Marvin.
00:12:34Marvin.
00:12:34Marvin.
00:12:35Marvin.
00:12:35Marvin.
00:12:36Marvin.
00:12:36Marvin.
00:12:37Marvin.
00:12:37Marvin.
00:12:38Marvin.
00:12:38Who do you think it was going to be? One of your little friends?
00:12:46You think it was going to be your daddy?
00:12:49I'm your daddy now, on your rug.
00:12:51In your bed, on your rug, in your bed.
00:12:54I've got a sister in Australia, so when I phone her up,
00:12:57there is a slight delay on the line after I've spoken,
00:12:59because she's a bit thick.
00:13:04Hello? How are you?
00:13:07So, yeah, so there she is.
00:13:11Poor old Nana, as I say, she did.
00:13:14We put her in a home, basically, in the end.
00:13:16That's all we could do.
00:13:17Who said Swan?
00:13:21The point I'm making about birds' names is, right,
00:13:27that pretty much, if you're thinking of starting a small business,
00:13:29it's nice to use a bird's name,
00:13:31but nearly all of them have been taken, right?
00:13:32You said Swan Vesta, of course.
00:13:35Swan Vesta matches, heron garages,
00:13:38stork margarine, eagle insurance,
00:13:41so it goes on.
00:13:42Pretty much every bird's name has been taken,
00:13:46if anyone would like to suggest.
00:13:47If you're starting a small business,
00:13:48as I say, it's nice to use a bird's name,
00:13:50but most of them have been taken.
00:13:52If anyone's got a...
00:13:53Go on, suggest a bird's name.
00:13:54The pigeon tanning centre.
00:14:01Beckenham, that's down there.
00:14:03Have a look.
00:14:04Check it out.
00:14:06Anyone?
00:14:07One more?
00:14:08Oh, you're all gone now.
00:14:08Yeah, oh yeah.
00:14:10Suddenly everyone's a bird expert.
00:14:11Um...
00:14:14The fact is...
00:14:16I keep more tools in the van overnight
00:14:20than I do during the day.
00:14:24They've no way of knowing.
00:14:28You take a zebra through the scanner at the supermarket.
00:14:31400 quid!
00:14:35Prohibitively expensive.
00:14:36So, um...
00:14:37There she is, in the home.
00:14:39Now, I went to visit her.
00:14:40A dear old man in the home.
00:14:41She didn't even recognise me.
00:14:43Very sad, you know, in there.
00:14:44She's going, uh...
00:14:45I don't know who you are.
00:14:46I said, look, it's me.
00:14:47It's Harry.
00:14:48It's your grandson, right?
00:14:49I don't know, no, Harry.
00:14:50I don't got no grandson called Harry.
00:14:52I'm saying, look, it's me.
00:14:53It's your grandson.
00:14:54Right, I'm doing her voice for her and everything.
00:14:56I'm getting right there.
00:14:57You know, I'm making it easy for her.
00:14:59Look, it's me.
00:15:00It's your grandson.
00:15:01I don't got no grandson called Harry.
00:15:03Look at me, Frank.
00:15:04It's me.
00:15:05In the end, a nurse came over and said,
00:15:07no, no, no, not that one.
00:15:08It's that one.
00:15:14You were very similar at that age with the grey...
00:15:16With the grey hair.
00:15:18You know, I mean, at least put him in different coloured 90s.
00:15:23So, uh...
00:15:24So, anyone been up in the space shuttle at all?
00:15:27Anyone been up?
00:15:29That's right.
00:15:30No one ever does it anymore.
00:15:31I...
00:15:32I was, um...
00:15:33I was lucky enough to go up in the space shuttle three times, okay?
00:15:40Uh, first time I went up, uh, they told me I was allowed to take a suite, right?
00:15:45Just one suite.
00:15:46You're allowed to take a suite.
00:15:46It's like any other trip.
00:15:48Um, and I thought, yeah, I thought I was watching a take.
00:15:51You know, the old suites.
00:15:52You remember the old suite shops, Brian, eh?
00:15:53Um, oh, I put too many in, take a few back.
00:15:55Um, oh, I take too many back, I put a few back in.
00:15:59Oh, I put too many in, take a few back.
00:16:01I take too many back, I put a few back in.
00:16:04I put too many in, take a few back.
00:16:05Oh, forget it.
00:16:06I'll have a packet of Tic Tacs.
00:16:08Uh...
00:16:09So, that's where I took, right?
00:16:10I took a packet of Tic Tacs up.
00:16:12I thought, yeah, there's lots of them.
00:16:13You know, you can spread it out of the journey.
00:16:14and so as we took off right I thought yeah I'll have a tic-tac to celebrate right never been up
00:16:21in the space shuttle had a tic-tac pop that back there 20 minutes later we go weightless right I
00:16:26thought yeah I'll have another tic-tac at one of those back there around about bedtime I thought
00:16:30yeah just freshen my mouth up have a tic-tac pop that back then I suppose around about 11 is the
00:16:35next day I thought I'll have another tic-tac pop that back just as that Bob the other astronaut
00:16:40popped his head round he said oh Harry he said there's been a problem with one of the experiments
00:16:44right because it's a work trip right it's not a holiday obviously there are fun aspects to it but
00:16:50pretty much he said one of the test tubes is broken right he said he what we need is something we
00:16:55could use to replace the chest tube right he sees the packet of tic-tacs there he said of course if
00:17:00you were to empty the tic-tacs out of that you know it's see-through it's plastic we could use it as a
00:17:04test tube I thought charming you know I've only had four tic-tacs right I said go on then you know for
00:17:11the good of the mission take it he takes that right he takes that I thought right next he opens
00:17:15it up there's tic-tacs flying everywhere right I grabbed as many as I could he got three or four
00:17:20I'm pretty sure
00:17:21so next time I go up right I've learned my lesson I'm not taking tic-tacs right I thought I'd take
00:17:30fruit pastels yeah hey I'll take some fruit pastels we take off right I thought I'll have a fruit
00:17:37pastel I open it up like that I wind it down I wind it down oh I can't believe my luck it's a black one
00:17:44sometimes you're just lucky right 20 minutes later we go waitlist I thought yeah I'll have a
00:17:52celebration I'll have a fruit pastel I'll win up a little bit further there it is it's a red one
00:18:00black and red perfect okay bedtime comes around I thought no it's bad for your teeth it's bad for
00:18:06your teeth I won't have another next day round about in everything I have another pastel
00:18:12it's a green one can't wear them all just just then Bob the other astronaut pops his head around
00:18:23he says oh Harry he said there's been a problem as we took off the g-forces sheared off all the
00:18:28buttons off one of the main control panels I thought I can see where this is going
00:18:34I said what we need is something we could use to replace the buttons it sees the fruit pastels
00:18:40they do it so charming I've only had three take it for the good of the mission for the good of
00:18:45the mission right third time up I've learned my lesson I'm not having tic-tacs I'm not having fruit
00:18:49pastels I'll have a curly whirly yes indeed I'll have a curly whirly we take off normally celebrate
00:18:58whole fire whole fire go wait this 20 minutes later whole fire whole fire don't eat the curly whirly
00:19:05don't eat the curly whirly round about bedtime no it's bad for me tick the neck don't run up
00:19:12brand lemon cheese
00:19:14open up the curly whirly just then Bob the other astronaut pops his head round he says oh Harry
00:19:22he said there's been a problem he said with the mouse experiment I said oh yeah what's that
00:19:26he said well the little ladder's broken
00:19:28of course they do say the left side of the brain is responsible for speech
00:19:44right the left side of the brain is responsible for speech but then it would say that wouldn't it
00:19:49um a little bit of a little bit of fun now uh lady lady the uh have you seen this got one of
00:19:59these at home what it is hmm could you purse away it's included in the ticket price
00:20:03oh bless uh give her a biscuit so what um what's your name darling Karen short for
00:20:12all right calm down Karen Karen k-a-r-e-n the conventional spelling of Karen and uh are you
00:20:20in employment currently Karen you're not dirty girl
00:20:23spanger of course not no of course not you uh uh uh work at home with the kids yeah you got
00:20:33your two kids there okay all right you're doing a project for school
00:20:36um can I be your project um so uh so you work at home uh and so what was housewife should we say
00:20:47that's rather conventional a little bit old-fashioned these days isn't it working mum would be the
00:20:54phrase who would probably use this homemaker yeah touches up an image of a of a bird going to and
00:21:01and fro to and fro with uh pieces of straw and feathering it up even though it was bought for you
00:21:09by your husband the homemaker all right so um h-o-m-e-m-a-k-e-r homemaker Karen what's your
00:21:21favorite color darling pink pink p-i-n-k pink that's what you look like
00:21:27and if if you're wondering that's a that's a stabilizer from a child's bike
00:21:37if you're thinking of doing one
00:21:39that's the morning's work for me
00:21:44that's some
00:21:44it's a sponger now I don't know that's
00:21:48yes there's some poor kid riding around around in circles
00:21:51so um yeah so she did die as I say man and uh she died again and uh we thought we'd get her
00:22:02embalmed right yeah we thought we'd throw a bit of money at it and um the embalmer said he said
00:22:09have you got a photograph of your man you know while she was alive that I can work off for the
00:22:13embalming uh and unfortunately the only photograph we had of her was of her on the log flume of
00:22:18Alton Towers
00:22:19I'll never forget they lifted the coffin lid
00:22:28should we do that sometime that we do the soul singers of the past
00:22:40uh mr. smokey robinson
00:22:43so take a good look at my face
00:22:48got tiny eyes
00:22:52you get those weird emails you're on the internet guys you're on the internet dirty dirty
00:23:06you're smelling I'm telling you went to barbie's wedding you kissed her you hugged her you even
00:23:13said you loved her um see uh Danone see in my day you young man there see uh in my day if you
00:23:24wanted to see a lady girl in a bikini right like you do on your you don't we didn't used to
00:23:29no what it was all we had right back me up on this was the uh big d peanut board right
00:23:36isn't it right Brian that's all we had the big d peanut board hey what it was it was a board with
00:23:45a picture of a girl in the bikini right covered in little bags of nuts all right it was a more
00:23:50simple time all right so to see more of the girl you didn't log on no you didn't didn't log on
00:23:57to a rock you you had to buy you had to buy a packet of peanuts right you had to buy a packet
00:24:04of peanuts uh so a rumor would go around the village hey there's a new peanut board up at the pub
00:24:09it's a new girl so we'd run up okay we'd all run up but you don't want to buy that first bag
00:24:15of nuts here because that's just a bit of sky it's a waste it's a waste of 25 b no you hold
00:24:25fire you hold fire there you wait for your weights right you bide your time next one along that's her
00:24:30face you hold fire you hold fire next one it's over the other shoulder it's a bit of sky you hold
00:24:36fire you hold fire next one top of the shoulder you hold fire you hold fire next along it's her neck
00:24:42You hold fire, you hold fire. Next, long top of the other shoulder.
00:24:45You hold fire, you hold fire. Next one, it's her arm.
00:24:48You hold fire, you hold fire.
00:24:50Buy, buy, buy, buy! I raced you up the bar!
00:24:53So, um...
00:24:57So, uh, what did I say? Yeah.
00:24:59You see, in the old days, right, the worst crime, right, the worst criminals,
00:25:03the way to stop them dead in their tracks, right?
00:25:06Simple sound.
00:25:07WHISTLE BLOWS
00:25:10Fair cock, fair cock, fair cock.
00:25:13So, um...
00:25:15Uh, let's have a little bit of, uh...
00:25:17I'd like to do this now, just to assess the, uh...
00:25:20the self-esteem in the room, roughly.
00:25:22Sir, do you reckon you could, uh, beat, say, an ant at, uh...
00:25:26badminton?
00:25:28Look, she's got you on her camera.
00:25:31You're on a DVD.
00:25:33Well, do you think you could, uh, beat an ant at badminton?
00:25:36Yeah, fairly confident, fairly cocky.
00:25:38Bring it on, he says, bring it on.
00:25:39Okay.
00:25:40Uh, just getting a rough idea of the self-esteem.
00:25:42Uh, madam there, do you think you could beat, perhaps, a vol at...
00:25:47Ka-plunk?
00:25:49If you had to.
00:25:51Yeah, you know, in a war situation and you had to.
00:25:54Uh, madam, do you reckon you could beat, say, a, uh, a hamster at, uh, tennis if you had to?
00:26:01Yeah, you're fairly, you're fairly confident about it.
00:26:03Well, let's find out as you join me in interspecies tennis.
00:26:06Come on up.
00:26:07That's it.
00:26:08Lovely.
00:26:09Come on, that's it.
00:26:11Isn't she wonderful?
00:26:14Isn't she precious?
00:26:17Isn't she...
00:26:20That's it, come on, come on, come on, come on.
00:26:23Come on.
00:26:24All right, okay, okay.
00:26:25What's your name?
00:26:26What's your name?
00:26:27Becky?
00:26:28Becky.
00:26:29Becky.
00:26:30Becky.
00:26:31Becky.
00:26:32All right, so, um, uh, short for?
00:26:34All right, okay, calm down.
00:26:36What's your...
00:26:37What's your, uh, I can't believe anyone will be phoning at this time, Becky.
00:26:42I can't believe anyone, I can't believe it.
00:26:45Uh, hello?
00:26:46What?
00:26:47Uh, hello, mum.
00:26:48Yes?
00:26:49What?
00:26:50Someone's broken into the van.
00:26:59Stolen all the tools.
00:27:01Must have been an inside job.
00:27:03They've no way of knowing.
00:27:09What, um, what do you do for a living, Becky?
00:27:13You're an accountant working in a, in an accountancy, uh, firm, firm of accountants.
00:27:18Adding up, taking away, adding up, taking away, taking a bit for yourself.
00:27:22We're in a bad problem.
00:27:23Uh, we've all done it, we've all done it.
00:27:25Nothing to be ashamed of.
00:27:27Um, I suppose, Becky, what you, uh, you, uh...
00:27:32Come on, give generously, come on.
00:27:34Come on.
00:27:35Come on.
00:27:36Come on.
00:27:37For the kids.
00:27:38For the kids, come on.
00:27:40Come on, for the...
00:27:41Eh?
00:27:42Who do you want to meet the hamster, uh, that you're going to be playing, uh, Becky?
00:27:47Uh, and here he, and I'm just kidding him.
00:27:49Come on out, you silly monkey.
00:27:51Uh, ham, hamster.
00:27:52How?
00:27:53Here he is.
00:27:54Hmm?
00:27:55It's little Abu.
00:27:56Little Abu hamster.
00:27:57The...
00:27:58Hmm?
00:27:59All the way from Finsbury Park.
00:28:00There he is.
00:28:01Little Abu.
00:28:02Little Abu hamster.
00:28:04Hmm?
00:28:05Hamster.
00:28:06There he is.
00:28:07All right.
00:28:08He's got a present for you.
00:28:09Look, Becky.
00:28:10He's got a little present for you.
00:28:11Look.
00:28:12Go on.
00:28:13He's got a...
00:28:14He's got a...
00:28:15He's changed his mind.
00:28:16He's changed his mind.
00:28:17All right.
00:28:18Okay.
00:28:19Well, let's find out who's going to serve first near the interspecies tennis.
00:28:22Pop the spuds in.
00:28:23Becky.
00:28:24Pop the spuds in.
00:28:25We'll find out.
00:28:26That's it.
00:28:27Just you're going to gamble on one, or you're going to go for two.
00:28:28Increase your chances by 50%.
00:28:30Oh, ah.
00:28:31One potato, two potato, three potato, four.
00:28:33Five potato, six potato, seven potato, all.
00:28:35One potato, two potato, three potato, four.
00:28:36Something to tell him in the office tomorrow, eh?
00:28:40You should have seen me.
00:28:41How was that then?
00:28:42One potato, two potato, three potato, four.
00:28:45He's gonna serve first.
00:28:46He's gonna serve.
00:28:47Little Abu's gonna serve first.
00:28:50We just need the ball boy now to arrange the tennis.
00:28:57I say tennis, of course.
00:28:59I mean the swing ball.
00:29:03Swing.
00:29:04Swing ball.
00:29:08And...
00:29:09All right, so let's...
00:29:13So your backhand, obviously, Beck,
00:29:15and obviously I have to hold him up,
00:29:17otherwise he can't reach.
00:29:20He's won!
00:29:45He's won!
00:29:49He's won!
00:29:50Beckie!
00:29:53Well, of course, Beckie, you don't go away empty-handed.
00:29:55There you are, a little present for you for taking part.
00:29:57Well, I'll have that back if you don't mind.
00:30:00I'll give you the right one here.
00:30:01All right.
00:30:04Take your time.
00:30:09Oh, that's silly.
00:30:11Oh.
00:30:12Right, come on.
00:30:12Uh, my dad bought me a remote-controlled submarine when I was a little boy.
00:30:17Uh, which is kind of a mixed feast, you know, the remote-controlled submarine.
00:30:21You go down the duck pond, you release it into the water there.
00:30:24Uh, left a bit, right a bit, left a bit, hmm.
00:30:26I had no idea where it was.
00:30:31I never saw it again.
00:30:33I found out ten years later it was, in fact, a brick.
00:30:36And the remote-control aspect, that was a matchstick in a bit of Blu-Tack mounted on a Jaffa cake.
00:30:44And you're probably like me, when you were at school, uh, your dad would fill your, your space opera with Fanta, right?
00:30:55You know, you think, I'd just take the, the space opera around the block, hmm?
00:30:58Oh, it, it's strangely sluggish.
00:31:02You think, you can't, normally I'd cover this distance in no time.
00:31:07And then I must have hit a nail or something, there's this orange fluid coming out of the space opera.
00:31:12I'm thinking, I go home to Dad, I say, Dad, look, what's this orange fluid coming out of the space opera?
00:31:16He said, Dad, space opera blood, right?
00:31:19It's bleeding, it's, uh, it's dying.
00:31:22He said, the best thing you can do with that space opera, take it upstairs, tuck it up in bed, and give it a big kiss goodbye, right?
00:31:28So get up there, just as I'm bending down to kiss it goodbye, Dad pops up, takes a photograph.
00:31:34There's the photographs made into posters all around the village.
00:31:38Look at Harry's new girlfriend.
00:31:42I said to him, what'd you do that for, Dad?
00:31:47He said, well, I had to use the film up.
00:31:51So there we are, right?
00:31:54We're in the, uh, and I'm feeling a little bit low tonight.
00:31:58I feel mixed feelings because last night I did find out that a lot of my telephone calls are used for training purposes.
00:32:03It's nice to get a bit of good news.
00:32:08Um, but on the, on the downside, I ran over a pizza delivery boy last night on the way home and I, you know, I felt bad about it.
00:32:16You know, obviously, you know what they like, they come out of nowhere, he's in the blind spot, you know, it's dark.
00:32:20Uh, I knocked him off, I felt bad about, uh, bad about knocking him off.
00:32:25You know, I'll be honest, I felt bad about eating the pizza.
00:32:27But, you know, you're hungry, aren't you?
00:32:31You know, the smells.
00:32:3220 minutes waiting for the ambulance.
00:32:36The smells wafting up off that bag.
00:32:39It's only going to go to waste, you eat that.
00:32:41You know, it's salty, two litres of Diet Coke.
00:32:43The ambulance man turns up, right, he's furious, right?
00:32:49He's saying, hang on a minute, where's the pizza?
00:32:53I didn't realise, right, if there's any food flying about, right, they get first bagsies.
00:32:59They see it as a sort of perk of the job.
00:33:02I said, never mind that, let's get him into the ambulance, right?
00:33:03We get him into the ambulance, okay?
00:33:05He's got a sticker on the back of the ambulance.
00:33:08No people kept in the van overnight.
00:33:13Just a minute, I'm thinking here, just, if we're weightless, right, if it's zero gravity,
00:33:21what's the mouse need a ladder for anyway?
00:33:30No, but my curly curly!
00:33:32So we get him into the, we're driving around, right?
00:33:35We're driving around, okay?
00:33:36I said to the ambulance driver, look, you know, it's late, it's very dark.
00:33:40These pizza delivery boys, they come out of nowhere.
00:33:42You might, sure enough, another one, comes by, right, in the blind spot.
00:33:46We didn't see him, knocked him off, right?
00:33:48There he is, okay?
00:33:50I'll get the pizza, the little pizza, there you go on.
00:33:52There's your pizza, all right?
00:33:53A couple of slices for him, a couple of slices for me.
00:33:56Well, it was my idea, right?
00:34:00We get him into the ambulance, right?
00:34:02We're driving along like that.
00:34:03We've got the two pizza delivery boys in there.
00:34:05We've had the pizza, right?
00:34:06We're still a bit peckish, okay?
00:34:08Still a bit peckish.
00:34:09Still a little corner to be filled there.
00:34:11It's dark, right?
00:34:12Would you, another one.
00:34:15In the blind spot, didn't see him.
00:34:17We knocked him off, right?
00:34:18There we are, there's the pizza.
00:34:19Yeah, we're not too interested in that.
00:34:21What else you got?
00:34:23Ice cream, right?
00:34:24A couple of, yeah, tubs of ice cream.
00:34:26We have that down like that.
00:34:27We get the pizza delivery boy into the back of the ambulance, right?
00:34:29There's three pizza delivery boys.
00:34:30We're driving around, okay?
00:34:32We've had the pizza.
00:34:33That's like the main course, isn't it?
00:34:35That's the main course.
00:34:36We've had the pudding, the ice cream.
00:34:37We're driving along.
00:34:38We're thinking, how could we round this off nicely?
00:34:40Just then, we come up, level with Starbucks, right?
00:34:43The coffee place.
00:34:44Some idiot, in the blind spot.
00:34:46Didn't see him.
00:34:46Boom.
00:34:47Knocked him over.
00:34:48Right?
00:34:48There's his coffees.
00:34:49We drink the coffees down.
00:34:50We get him into the back of the ambulance.
00:34:52We're driving along like that, okay?
00:34:53We've had the main course.
00:34:54We've had the pudding.
00:34:55We've had the coffees, right?
00:34:57We're in this ridiculous situation.
00:34:59We're driving up and down the high street at three in the morning, trying to find someone
00:35:03who's eating an after-eight mint.
00:35:09You just...
00:35:10Oh, you won't.
00:35:11There was.
00:35:12We found someone.
00:35:14There he was, okay?
00:35:16We knocked him off.
00:35:17He was in the blind spot, fortunately, and...
00:35:20But it turned out it wasn't actually an after-eight mint, right?
00:35:24What it was, was a square of brown suede.
00:35:32It was a cobbler on an important business meeting.
00:35:36And for safekeeping, it was keeping that square of brown suede in an after-eight mint sachet.
00:35:44I thought to myself, you know, who would use a sweet wrapper in such a way?
00:35:47I turned the body over.
00:35:48There he is, Bob, the astronaut from earlier on.
00:35:54Harry?
00:35:55Yes?
00:35:55Where's Stouffer?
00:35:57Stouffer?
00:35:58I haven't seen him all day, Steve.
00:36:00Mr. Harry?
00:36:03He is something there.
00:36:04Mr. Harry?
00:36:06I'll see if I can see him, Steve.
00:36:08I'll see if I can have a...
00:36:09Mr. Harry?
00:36:10Stouffer?
00:36:11Stouffer, are you there?
00:36:13Mr. Harry?
00:36:14Hey!
00:36:17There he is!
00:36:18Yay!
00:36:29Caraphans!
00:36:29There he is.
00:36:31There he is.
00:36:32Find me and follow me, the dark of the matinee.
00:36:36How you, uh...
00:36:37Danone?
00:36:38How you feeling?
00:36:40Darn lifeless hair.
00:36:42Unnecessary frizzes.
00:36:43So how are you, uh...
00:36:45How are you, uh...
00:36:47How are you feeling, Stouffer?
00:36:48Well, Mr. Harry, I'm feeling a little bit sick tonight.
00:36:50You're feeling sick?
00:36:51Yeah, I had a little saucer of milk earlier.
00:36:54I think the milk was off.
00:36:56I feel...
00:36:56I feel a little bit...
00:36:58I feel a little bit...
00:37:00I feel a little bit...
00:37:02I feel...
00:37:04The milk!
00:37:05I feel a little bit...
00:37:07I feel a little bit...
00:37:09It's smoking.
00:37:10I'm feeling sick.
00:37:11It's smoking.
00:37:12I feel a little bit..
00:37:13I don't know.
00:37:21Please let it stop me!
00:37:23生'
00:37:23He's got a little bit of sick playing around the corner of this
00:37:45Yeah! The milk's off! The milk's off and she's never been served the milk
00:37:53So what are you going to do for us?
00:37:56What are you...
00:37:57What are you going to do for us?
00:38:06What are you going to do for us today?
00:38:08What are you going to do for us today, Stufe?
00:38:11Well, well, Mr. Harry
00:38:12You try it, you try it
00:38:17So, all right, calm down
00:38:23What are you going to do for us tonight?
00:38:24Well, what I'm going to do, Mr. Harry
00:38:26I'm going to contact the spirit world
00:38:28Oh, yeah
00:38:29I'm going to contact the spirit world
00:38:30I will go into a trance-like state and get a message from the other side
00:38:35He's going to go into a trance-like state
00:38:36Off you go, then, into your trance-like state
00:38:38There we are, no sudden movements, please
00:38:40Are you getting anything through from the other side, Stufe?
00:38:52Yeah, I'm getting a message
00:38:54I'm getting a voice
00:38:56I'm getting a message for someone in the audience called John
00:38:59Someone called John in the audience
00:39:01John
00:39:01I'm getting a...
00:39:03John
00:39:03John
00:39:04Jack
00:39:04Jack
00:39:05Jack
00:39:05Jack
00:39:06Jack
00:39:07Anyone called Jason
00:39:08Jane
00:39:08Jane
00:39:09Jane
00:39:09Jane
00:39:10Becky
00:39:11Becky
00:39:12Becky
00:39:12Becky
00:39:13That's your name, Becky
00:39:16Becky, I got a message from the other side
00:39:19Someone in your family dead
00:39:21Someone in your family
00:39:22Someone in your family dead, Becky
00:39:24In Victorian times
00:39:26Think back
00:39:28Victorian times
00:39:30Dad's got a message from Becky
00:39:32He's got a message
00:39:33Do you want to hear the message?
00:39:35Okay
00:39:35What's the message, Stufe?
00:39:37Everything's going to be alright
00:39:38That's nice
00:39:40That's nice
00:39:41That's nice
00:39:43That's nice
00:39:45That's nice
00:39:47That's nice
00:39:48So, uh
00:39:49Mr. Harry
00:39:50Can I play the hamster at interspecies tennis?
00:39:53Oh, I see
00:39:54Because you're a different species
00:39:55Yes, I'm a different species
00:39:56I'd like to play the hamster
00:39:57Well, I'll try that
00:40:00We'll certainly give that a go
00:40:01Uh
00:40:02Alright, there we are
00:40:03I've got the old
00:40:04See?
00:40:04The old
00:40:05Round there
00:40:0512 quid
00:40:08Um
00:40:08Oh, yeah
00:40:10It's not, uh, cheap
00:40:12Um
00:40:12All that stuff
00:40:16I bought them all that
00:40:17Um
00:40:18So
00:40:19Here he is
00:40:21Abu there
00:40:21Get your, uh
00:40:22That's it
00:40:23Get your little, uh
00:40:24That's it, Stu
00:40:25For you help
00:40:25Uh
00:40:26That's it
00:40:29That's it
00:40:31I've got terrible
00:40:32I've got terrible cramp in there
00:40:36I know those are giving me
00:40:37I've got arthritis in that hand
00:40:41Ow
00:40:42Oh
00:40:43Uh
00:40:44Alright, so
00:40:46One potato
00:40:46He's got a present for you
00:40:47He's changed his mind
00:40:48One potato
00:40:49Three potato
00:40:50Four
00:40:50Five
00:40:51Stoof was gonna serve first
00:40:52It's round two
00:40:53Of interspecies tennis
00:40:55That's it, Stu
00:40:56He's stupid
00:40:57Go on, Stu
00:40:58Oh, that's it
00:41:00He's playing it high
00:41:02He's playing it
00:41:02And stuff
00:41:04And Stu
00:41:08And Stu
00:41:08Was won
00:41:08The second round
00:41:10Sorted
00:41:12Respect
00:41:13You
00:41:14Stupid
00:41:14Ladies and gentlemen
00:41:15That's all he does
00:41:16Providing it with dignity
00:41:24Tompkins
00:41:26The indisputable leader
00:41:28Of the gang
00:41:29He's the top
00:41:31Tompkins
00:41:36Oh, God, so good
00:41:37So there it was
00:41:43The funeral, right
00:41:44Oh, man
00:41:45Very sad affair, obviously
00:41:46But, you know
00:41:47The funeral over
00:41:48In this country
00:41:48Is a very cold
00:41:49Clinical kind of thing
00:41:50Isn't it
00:41:51You know
00:41:51You don't see the body
00:41:53Right
00:41:53It's a coffin there
00:41:54The coffin goes
00:41:55Through the curtains
00:41:55Everyone sheds a silent tear
00:41:58Right
00:41:58You don't see the flames
00:41:59You don't see what happens next
00:42:00In the third world
00:42:01Right
00:42:02It's a big cathartic
00:42:03Experience, isn't it
00:42:04A big funeral pyre
00:42:05The body's on there
00:42:06You can see it's a body
00:42:07You see the flames
00:42:07Engulfing it
00:42:08The smoke
00:42:09Everyone has a good old wail
00:42:10Right
00:42:10Oh, man
00:42:12You know
00:42:12What you gonna have to do that for
00:42:14You know
00:42:14It's a big
00:42:15Right
00:42:15It's a big cathartic
00:42:17Yeah
00:42:17Back me up
00:42:18A big cathartic
00:42:19Over here
00:42:20Cold and clinical
00:42:20A little bit of tape music
00:42:22A silent tear shed
00:42:23You see the coffin disappear
00:42:24But if you think about it
00:42:26They've got the weather for it
00:42:27Over there
00:42:28Haven't they
00:42:28Right
00:42:29You try that over here
00:42:31You try it over here
00:42:33You build a bonfire
00:42:33Right
00:42:34You get your nan on
00:42:35Right
00:42:37If the council will let you
00:42:39Bless me
00:42:44Bless me
00:42:45Oh, when will Najaf be free
00:42:49You get the body on there
00:42:52And it won't take
00:42:53You know
00:42:53It won't take
00:42:54You know
00:42:56You only need a light drizzle
00:42:57Or a heavy dew
00:42:58The day of the funeral
00:43:00There's your uncle
00:43:01Saying
00:43:01Try her hair
00:43:02Try her hair
00:43:02What's the point
00:43:09You know
00:43:10You end up thinking
00:43:12Well, should we put a tarpaulin
00:43:13Over it
00:43:13And come back the next day
00:43:14But no
00:43:16You end up
00:43:17Siphoning petrol
00:43:17Out of the hearse
00:43:18More expense
00:43:22Shall I do this
00:43:24Shall I do the old
00:43:25It's a bit of fun
00:43:26Especially for the kids
00:43:27You're our kids
00:43:28We should put this in your project
00:43:29Bit of fun
00:43:30On this
00:43:30You see
00:43:30Like that
00:43:31Get off me
00:43:44Where's that
00:43:48Green bloke
00:43:51Where's that
00:43:52Green bloke again
00:43:53Marvin
00:43:53Marvin
00:43:55We did that
00:43:56We did that
00:43:58We did that bit
00:44:02So
00:44:05What we
00:44:08You're local
00:44:11Brian
00:44:11People
00:44:12Local
00:44:12Everyone
00:44:13Pretty much local
00:44:13Rough out
00:44:14You
00:44:15What the thing is
00:44:16I was up here earlier today
00:44:18And I thought I'd take a wander around
00:44:19I went to that
00:44:20Aquarium
00:44:21Have you seen it
00:44:22The aquarium
00:44:22£1.25
00:44:23Cheap
00:44:24I thought
00:44:25Go in there
00:44:25And what it was
00:44:26Is a bucket of water
00:44:27Right
00:44:27Yeah
00:44:28With some insects
00:44:29Floating in the top
00:44:30Call us an aquarium
00:44:32He said
00:44:32Well what it is
00:44:33It's an allegorical aquarium
00:44:35Right
00:44:35I says
00:44:36I says what
00:44:37He said
00:44:37Allegorical
00:44:38You look at the different insects
00:44:40Different types of insects
00:44:41Are reminiscent
00:44:42Of specific sea animals
00:44:44Right
00:44:44Takes you back to a time
00:44:45When you went to a proper aquarium
00:44:47Right
00:44:47This way
00:44:48You get in for £1.25
00:44:50None of the big sea animals
00:44:51Get hurt
00:44:51I thought
00:44:52Okay
00:44:52I'll go with it
00:44:53I said
00:44:54What's the
00:44:54What's the blue
00:44:55Blue bottle
00:44:56Supposed to be
00:44:56Then
00:44:57He said
00:44:57The blue bottle
00:44:57Sir
00:44:58That
00:44:58That's your dolphin
00:44:59Right
00:44:59It's blue
00:45:00It's like a dolphin
00:45:01Straight as soon as he said it
00:45:02I was looking at the blue bottle
00:45:03I'm straight back
00:45:04To Miami there
00:45:05Watching the big dolphins
00:45:06At SeaWorld
00:45:07Right
00:45:07Yeah
00:45:08It's working
00:45:09I'm getting a buzz
00:45:09I said
00:45:10I said okay
00:45:10What about the bee
00:45:12The bee sir
00:45:12It's large
00:45:13Highly patterned
00:45:14That's your killer whale
00:45:15Soon as he said it
00:45:16There
00:45:16In my mind
00:45:16The killer whale
00:45:17Much as you are now sir
00:45:18The killer whale
00:45:19Jumping out of the water
00:45:20Large
00:45:21And highly patterned
00:45:22I said
00:45:22Okay
00:45:23What's the wasp
00:45:23The wasp sir
00:45:24Is evil
00:45:25That is the shark
00:45:26Yes
00:45:27Soon as he said it
00:45:27I remember seeing a shark
00:45:29In a different aquarium
00:45:30On a number of different occasions
00:45:31I said
00:45:33I said
00:45:34Well what about the moth
00:45:35The moth
00:45:36Sir
00:45:36It's triangular
00:45:37And flat
00:45:38Isn't it
00:45:38Very much
00:45:39Like a stingray
00:45:40Soon as he said it
00:45:40There I was
00:45:41At a different aquarium
00:45:42Watching you
00:45:42The stingrays
00:45:43As they floated by
00:45:44It works
00:45:45Okay
00:45:45I said
00:45:45Well what's the
00:45:46What's the squirrel
00:45:47Is it the squirrel
00:45:48Oh
00:45:48That's a T-Rex
00:45:49That's a different project
00:45:50I'm working on
00:45:51I said
00:45:54Hang on
00:45:54I said
00:45:55Hang on a minute
00:45:56The T-Rex
00:45:57That eats meat
00:45:58I said
00:45:58The squirrel eats nuts
00:45:59I said
00:45:59How do you get it
00:46:00To eat meat
00:46:00He said
00:46:00Well I hollow out acorns
00:46:01And fill them with blood
00:46:02I said
00:46:04Just out of interest
00:46:05How are you doing
00:46:05The triceratops
00:46:06He said
00:46:07Well that's easy
00:46:08It's a three-legged
00:46:09Barbie stool
00:46:09Super glued
00:46:10To the face of a tortoise
00:46:11I said
00:46:15Well
00:46:16I said
00:46:19What's that shaved poodle
00:46:20He said
00:46:20That
00:46:21Oh
00:46:21That's Laura Dern
00:46:22Well
00:46:23I made my excuses
00:46:26And left
00:46:27But
00:46:27On the way home
00:46:29I thought
00:46:30Yeah he's got a point
00:46:31The allegorical aquarium
00:46:32He's proved to me
00:46:33It works for insects
00:46:34I thought
00:46:34Does it work for any other
00:46:35System of items
00:46:36Right
00:46:37It does
00:46:37The fact is
00:46:38It does
00:46:38Let's take
00:46:39For instance
00:46:40Nuts
00:46:40Okay
00:46:41Different nuts
00:46:42You look at them
00:46:42To suggest
00:46:43Sea animals
00:46:44The allegorical aquarium
00:46:45Nut system
00:46:46Okay
00:46:47Let's kick off
00:46:48With the cashew
00:46:49What's the cashew
00:46:50There it is
00:46:50Right
00:46:51The what
00:46:51The dolphin
00:46:52Straight away
00:46:53She's on to it
00:46:53She's
00:46:54She's clever
00:46:55You've done well there Brian
00:46:56Yeah
00:46:57It's the dolphin
00:46:58Straight away
00:46:59The brazil nut
00:46:59Large
00:47:00Highly patterned
00:47:01That's
00:47:01Killer whale
00:47:02There's one or two
00:47:03Already
00:47:03It's beginning to catch on
00:47:05Okay
00:47:06The pistachio
00:47:07What's the pistachio
00:47:08It's got a little mouth
00:47:10Isn't it
00:47:10It's a little mouth
00:47:10The shark
00:47:11Straight away
00:47:12Yeah
00:47:12Okay
00:47:13And the stingray
00:47:14In the nut
00:47:17What
00:47:17The almond
00:47:18That's right
00:47:19Good girl
00:47:22It's flat
00:47:24And triangular
00:47:25In shape
00:47:25It's the almond
00:47:26Right
00:47:26The almond stingray
00:47:28Okay
00:47:28Works for nuts
00:47:29We've proved that
00:47:30Does it work for fruit
00:47:31Okay
00:47:31Fruit
00:47:32Here we go
00:47:32What's the
00:47:33The banana
00:47:34What's the banana
00:47:34Dolphin
00:47:35Straight away
00:47:36They're on to it
00:47:36Okay
00:47:37The watermelon
00:47:39It's large
00:47:39Highly patterned
00:47:40It's the
00:47:41Killer whale
00:47:41Okay
00:47:42And the stingray
00:47:43What's the stingray
00:47:44The pomegranate
00:47:46The pomegranate
00:47:47That's your pufferfish
00:47:51Isn't it
00:47:51That's your pufferfish
00:47:52The pomegranate
00:47:53You can have a pufferfish
00:47:55But you know
00:47:56Anyone
00:47:57The stingray
00:47:59The what
00:47:59The pineapple
00:48:01It's the shark
00:48:03Isn't it
00:48:04The pineapple
00:48:04Because it's got
00:48:05Sharp spines
00:48:06Like teeth
00:48:08Like a shark's teeth
00:48:10Um
00:48:11Anyone
00:48:12Anyone
00:48:12The pear
00:48:13Exactly madam
00:48:14It's triangular in shape
00:48:15And we dispense with the flat aspect
00:48:17On this occasion
00:48:17So it's
00:48:21It works with
00:48:24Insects, nuts and fruit
00:48:25Let's see if it works
00:48:26With any system
00:48:27That you care to throw up
00:48:28Right
00:48:29Someone like to suggest a system
00:48:30We can see if the allegorical aquarium system
00:48:32Works for it
00:48:33Anyone like to
00:48:34Numbers
00:48:34Cars
00:48:35All right
00:48:37Just
00:48:37You're held in a queue
00:48:40What do you say?
00:48:43Crisps
00:48:44Crisps
00:48:44It's not a system
00:48:45Is it?
00:48:49Crisps
00:48:49Where'd you go with crisps?
00:48:52Broaden it
00:48:53To snacks
00:48:53Now you're talking
00:48:54Should we go with that?
00:48:58Should we go with snacks?
00:48:59It wasn't the first choice
00:49:01Should we go with snacks?
00:49:02Yeah
00:49:02All right
00:49:02Off you go
00:49:03Quaver
00:49:04Don't you just shout
00:49:06Quaver at me
00:49:07You're expecting me
00:49:10To do all the work
00:49:10Come on
00:49:13You say it
00:49:14What's your dolphin?
00:49:15Start from basics
00:49:15What's your dolphin
00:49:16In the snack system?
00:49:18Right
00:49:18You've already said it
00:49:20Quaver
00:49:21The killer whale
00:49:25What's your killer whale?
00:49:26Large
00:49:26Monster munch
00:49:29Monster munch
00:49:30It's the shark
00:49:31Cheesy wotty isn't it?
00:49:35It's a cheesy wotty
00:49:36One of the larger ones
00:49:37It's large
00:49:38Highly patterned
00:49:39And the
00:49:40And the stingray
00:49:41What's your stingray?
00:49:44Pringle
00:49:44Not the Pringle
00:49:46The nacho
00:49:48Okay
00:49:54What the
00:49:55Who's this
00:49:56Down here?
00:49:56Why?
00:49:57It's
00:49:57It's Gary
00:49:58It's Gary
00:49:59My son
00:50:00From my first marriage
00:50:01There he is
00:50:06Ah
00:50:07Hello everybody
00:50:07I understand
00:50:09There's a large
00:50:09Party of people
00:50:10In from Scotland
00:50:11Tonight
00:50:12I'll kill
00:50:16That producer
00:50:17Stroke researcher
00:50:21Alright Gary
00:50:21Calm down
00:50:22Daddy
00:50:24Daddy
00:50:25Find me
00:50:27And follow me
00:50:27In the dark
00:50:28In the matinee
00:50:31In the matinee
00:50:32Find me
00:50:33In the matinee
00:50:34In the dark
00:50:35In the matinee
00:50:36Find me
00:50:36Can I have my Jesus juice now?
00:50:47Alright
00:50:47Come
00:50:48That's our little secret
00:50:50Come on
00:50:50I'm going to be
00:50:54Sit down here
00:50:55He's just a bit of dry retching
00:50:59Okay
00:50:59It's just a bit of dry retching
00:51:01All the work of vomiting
00:51:02With nothing to show for it
00:51:04At the end
00:51:04But I don't know
00:51:05It's in some ways worse
00:51:06Alright Gary
00:51:07Just calm down
00:51:07Just sit down there
00:51:09Just sit down
00:51:10He looks a little bit like
00:51:11Pete Doherty
00:51:12Doesn't he?
00:51:13Hello
00:51:13Hello
00:51:15You've got fancy line Kate?
00:51:18Alright now
00:51:19Just
00:51:19Alright come on
00:51:22Who's had all me crack?
00:51:29Who's had all me crack?
00:51:30Alright now come on
00:51:31So what's
00:51:31Can we have a chair here?
00:51:34Can we have a chair?
00:51:35It's for a crack
00:51:36So here we go
00:51:44Who puts wheels on
00:51:50Who puts wheels on a chair Daddy?
00:51:53I don't
00:51:53Kill that for Sergio
00:51:56Alright Gary
00:51:57Now what are you going to do for us
00:51:58What are you going to do for us tonight?
00:52:00What are you going to do for us tonight Gary?
00:52:02What are you going to do Daddy?
00:52:03I'm going to do my little song
00:52:04You're going to do your little song
00:52:06Then I'm going to do my little dance
00:52:07You're going to do your little dance
00:52:08Alright off you go then
00:52:09With your little song
00:52:10A tribute
00:52:11To the soul singers of the past
00:52:13Nay or nay not de desist
00:52:16Sitting in the morning sun
00:52:20I'm sitting in the evening shade
00:52:23Silly ass
00:52:24Watching the ships roll in
00:52:27May not watch them roll away again
00:52:31Sitting in the dock of the bay
00:52:34Watching the tide roll away
00:52:39Watching the tide roll away
00:52:39Sitting in the dock of the day
00:52:42Wasting time
00:52:44Ha ha ha ha haai
00:52:46I'm going to do my little dance now. Off you go then, Gary.
00:53:16One, two, three, four.
00:53:46I'm going to do my little dance now.
00:54:16What's that, Gary? What's that?
00:54:28I want to play stufer at swing ball.
00:54:31Are you sure?
00:54:34Yes, Gary.
00:54:38I want to be stufer at swing ball.
00:54:42I see what I can do.
00:54:43I can't believe anyone would be phony.
00:54:55I can't believe anyone would be phony.
00:55:01I can't believe anyone would be phony.
00:55:10I can't believe anyone would be phony.
00:55:12Lonely. I am so lonely.
00:55:14I don't need nobody.
00:55:16All right, so, just pick up your, where's the, pick up your, come on, Gary, pick your, pick
00:55:27your, pick up the, pick, come on, Gary.
00:55:30I think you've gone all week down one side, Daddy.
00:55:37I think I may have had a slight stroke, Daddy.
00:55:41Well, get that one there.
00:55:42There's another one there.
00:55:43I've got a special for you.
00:55:44There it is.
00:55:45Okay, Daddy, here we are.
00:55:47That's next one.
00:55:50Oh, oh, oh.
00:56:05It's round three of interspaces tennis.
00:56:08Gary took to a break.
00:56:09Gary took for an early start.
00:56:10He's chasing, he's chasing around.
00:56:13I feel sick. I've had another bar of sickness.
00:56:18I've had another bar of sickness.
00:56:21Great big clumps of it this time.
00:56:24Coming out one after me.
00:56:27I can't carry on. I can't carry on.
00:56:30Gary's the winner. Gary's the winner.
00:56:34And to present the award, Camilla Parker Bowles.
00:56:38Come on now, love.
00:56:40Camilla Parker Bowles.
00:56:43Camilla Parker Bowles to present the award.
00:57:05Ah, there we are. I'm very excited.
00:57:08So, you know, I wanted an electronic organ as a boy.
00:57:13I asked my dad for it.
00:57:14He didn't get me quite what I wanted.
00:57:16He may have misheard me.
00:57:18He got me this, look.
00:57:20It's a very early electronic organ.
00:57:22One of the early ones.
00:57:24I didn't even have to plug it in.
00:57:27Here it is, look. I've still got the Vespa. It came off.
00:57:32And as we approach our finale, ladies and gentlemen, we do need someone for the big finale number.
00:57:37Has anyone got a lighter for the... anyone?
00:57:40You've got one. Good for you, mate. Thank you.
00:57:43Oh, right.
00:57:44Now, so what happens is, it goes dark, right?
00:57:46Not now, but in the big finale number.
00:57:48It'll go dark.
00:57:49And that's... and I'll say the word candle.
00:57:52That's when you light up that.
00:57:53I think it's a lovely moment.
00:57:57Bit tight, those trousers, aren't they?
00:57:59You might want to stand up. Your eyes are watering.
00:58:02What?
00:58:03All right.
00:58:04It's nice, got it.
00:58:05So, ladies and gentlemen, as a wave of patriotism sweeps through the land,
00:58:10as we celebrate the marriage of Prince Charles and his Duchess of...
00:58:21Me.
00:58:22Let's, um...
00:58:24Of course not. That's very... wrong.
00:58:25It's just been...
00:58:26Oh, poor hand, that's all.
00:58:27Could have happened to any of us.
00:58:30All stand now for the national anthem. Thank you.
00:58:37You... traitors.
00:58:59You...
00:59:05You...
00:59:09You...
01:02:12Good night.
01:02:42Thanks very much for coming, ladies and gentlemen.
01:02:49We do appreciate it.
01:02:50Thank you for this special DVD recording.
01:02:55But you know, I can't help thinking there must be lights burning brighter somewhere.
01:03:02There's got to be birds flying higher in a sky more blue if I can dream of a better land where all my brothers walk hand in hand.
01:03:13Tell me why, why, why, why, why can't my dreams come true?
01:03:22We're lost in the cloud, we're lost in a world that's troubled with pain.
01:03:31But while a man has the strength to dream, he can redeem his soul and fly.
01:03:41Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
01:04:11Come on out, Stu.
01:04:17Mr. Horsey, come on out, Mr. Horsey.
01:04:26The Badger, come on out.
01:04:36Harry Hill, Sr., come on out, Dad.
01:04:41Happy birthday, Mr. Horsey!
01:04:52Yeah!
01:04:59Yeah!
01:05:04Yeah!
01:05:05How about that, 75 years old
01:05:22There in my heart there's a burning question
01:05:27But I'm sure that the answer will come
01:05:31Somehow out there in the dark
01:05:35There's a beckoning candle
01:05:37And while I can think, while I can talk
01:05:47While I can stand, while I can walk
01:05:49While I can dream
01:05:51Please let my dreams come true
01:05:56Right now
01:06:02Let it come true right now
01:06:05Oh yeah
01:06:10Our baby brings me a jam
01:06:20It's a disco
01:06:30I was born from love
01:06:33And my mama worked the mind
01:06:36I was raised on the foot of Jesus
01:06:40Until she ran between the lines
01:06:43And I don't believe I wanna see them all
01:06:48It's a disco
01:06:50It's a disco
01:06:54Come on
01:06:56Come on
01:06:58It's a disco
01:07:00Come on
01:07:02Come on
01:07:04Come on
01:07:06Come on
01:07:08You better come up
01:07:10In what way is this entertaining?
01:07:20Who paid money to see this?
01:07:22I mean
01:07:24I want my money back
01:07:26Two, three, four
01:07:28Going down to Stony
01:07:32I never wanted to go
01:07:34Down to Stony
01:07:36I never wanted to go
01:07:38Down to Stony
01:07:40I never wanted to go
01:07:42Down to Stony
01:07:44I never wanted to go
01:07:46Down to Stony
01:07:48I never wanted to go
01:07:50Down to Stony
01:07:52I never wanted to go
01:07:54Down to Stony
01:07:56End
01:07:58End
01:08:00End
01:08:02End
01:08:04End
01:08:06End
01:08:08End
01:08:10End
01:08:11There we are
01:08:12Your people
01:08:14Your people
01:08:16That's all from us, thanks very much
01:08:20Thank you
01:08:50Thank you
01:08:52Thank you
01:08:54Thank you
01:08:56Thank you
01:09:20Thank you
01:09:50Thank you