Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00:00We regret to announce that due to industrial action, there will be no Badger Parade tonight.
00:00:09Parade cancelled.
00:00:12And we would ask any owls in the audience, Barn or Tawny,
00:00:18to please make their way to the stage door.
00:00:22We also remind any bats that some of the electrical equipment used
00:00:27may interfere with your sophisticated radar system.
00:00:44And now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the star of your show, Mark Bolan.
00:00:58Riding on out like a bird on the sky, Riding on out like you as a bird.
00:01:03Riding on out like you as a bird. Ride a white swan like the people on the Belch.
00:01:06Where they're licking a candle. Oh!
00:01:07She's bad at the L.E.L.E.L.E., and she'll live all the go on. Oh!
00:01:10She's bad at the M.O.E.L.E.L.E.L.E., and she'll live all the go-go on. Oh!
00:01:14And the too big prince might give her a glove on.
00:01:18But you won't fool the children of the revolution
00:01:27Now you
00:01:29Metal guru is a Jew
00:01:31Metal guru is a Jew
00:01:33Ride a white swan like the people of the Beltane
00:01:34Well, yeah, long the baby can go wrong
00:01:36Na-na-na-na-na-na-na
00:01:40Na-na-na-na-na-na-na
00:01:42Na-na-na-na-na-na-na
00:01:44The swan, ladies and gentlemen, there he is
00:01:48On he goes, on he goes
00:01:55Join the others
00:01:57Join the others, go on
00:01:59Go on, join the others
00:02:00Go on, back to the lake
00:02:02Spread your tiny wings and fly away
00:02:06And take the snow back with you
00:02:08Where you came from on that day
00:02:10No one might love forever, is that true
00:02:12And if I could, you know that I would fly away with you
00:02:16And if I could, you know that I would fly
00:02:19Away with you
00:02:22And off he goes
00:02:24And away
00:02:25Well, of course, ladies and gentlemen
00:02:28I am not really Mark Boland, am I?
00:02:32Eh?
00:02:34Ladies and gentlemen, the power of suggestion
00:02:36The simple power
00:02:37Oh, you wouldn't kneel along
00:02:46And had he taken the white swan that night
00:02:49Perhaps he'd still be with us
00:02:50Hmm?
00:02:52We took the Mini Cooper
00:02:54The swan stayed in his grooming bay
00:02:56Now
00:02:56What is it about people who repair shoes
00:03:00That make them so good at cutting keys, don't they?
00:03:02What is it?
00:03:02Rose for the lady, sir
00:03:08Rose for the lady
00:03:09Rose, Rose for the lady
00:03:12Rose for the lady
00:03:14Black pepper, sir
00:03:16Black pepper
00:03:16Black pepper
00:03:21Parmesan, sir
00:03:22Parmesan
00:03:22Parmesan
00:03:23The lady
00:03:25Black pepper
00:03:25Parmesan
00:03:26Scourish, sir
00:03:27Scourish
00:03:28Scourish
00:03:29Oven gloves
00:03:30Oven gloves
00:03:31Ironing board covers
00:03:34Ironing board covers
00:03:36Ironing board covers
00:03:38I'm only trying to make a living
00:03:39And
00:03:40Gnoll and down
00:03:42And bow
00:03:43The
00:03:44Apparently the main problem with heroin
00:03:47Oh yeah, the main
00:03:49Oh yeah, the main problem with heroin
00:03:52It's very Moorish, apparently
00:03:54Oh man
00:04:01Oh man
00:04:03You guys slay me, you really do
00:04:05The
00:04:05The
00:04:06Oh, Goliath, he's so big
00:04:08David, he's so small
00:04:10He'll never
00:04:11Oh, he's done it
00:04:12Look, I knew he would
00:04:12Oh yeah
00:04:13I knew he would
00:04:15You like the lining, sir, don't you?
00:04:16You like the lining?
00:04:18It dazzles
00:04:19It dazzles
00:04:21It excites
00:04:22Well
00:04:22What a pleasure
00:04:24What a pleasure
00:04:25It is to be here in London
00:04:26Of course
00:04:26Good evening, London
00:04:28Good evening, London
00:04:30Hello, Barbara
00:04:30Good evening, Jerry
00:04:31Hello, Tom
00:04:32Good evening, Barbara
00:04:35Hello, Tom
00:04:36Good evening, Jerry
00:04:36I was actually
00:04:38I was actually
00:04:41Oh
00:04:42That sock is so tight
00:04:44I was actually
00:04:50Oh yeah
00:04:52I was actually
00:04:52Brought up in a motor caravan
00:04:54Oh yeah
00:04:55Oh yeah, man
00:04:57I was brought up in a
00:04:58In a motor caravan
00:05:00And to this day
00:05:01Whenever I wash my hands
00:05:02Oh
00:05:04Now
00:05:10My
00:05:11Why?
00:05:14Why do they put
00:05:16The little
00:05:16I'll jump it
00:05:17I can jump it
00:05:18I know I can
00:05:18Oh, it's so much bigger
00:05:22When you get up close
00:05:23It really is
00:05:23Oh, Mrs. Hitler
00:05:27Why your boy
00:05:28Turned out so bad
00:05:29Why do they put
00:05:31The little tiny holes
00:05:32In the top of the biscuits
00:05:34The little
00:05:34The little tiny holes
00:05:37In the top of the
00:05:38The biscuits
00:05:39The little tiny holes
00:05:41Not the big hole
00:05:43Not that big hole
00:05:44In the top of the
00:05:45Jammy Dodger
00:05:45Not that one
00:05:46No, no, no
00:05:48Stop thinking about that one
00:05:50No, think of another biscuit
00:05:53I'm talking about
00:05:56The little tiny holes
00:05:57In the top
00:05:58Of the poor
00:05:58A bourbon
00:05:59The little tiny holes
00:06:00In the lovely
00:06:01Yum yum
00:06:02Oh, yum yum
00:06:04The lovely juicy bourbon
00:06:06Oh, the lovely juicy bourbon
00:06:10The little tiny holes
00:06:12In the top of the rich tea
00:06:14Oh, yum yum
00:06:16The lovely
00:06:18What?
00:06:19Hey, is it?
00:06:20Is it?
00:06:22That's right
00:06:23Soap dispenser
00:06:25In a busy gentleman's toilet
00:06:26Why do they put
00:06:37The little tiny holes
00:06:38In the top of the biscuits
00:06:40Though
00:06:41You
00:06:41Go and find out
00:06:42Go
00:06:45Go find out
00:06:47Joe
00:06:49On your rug
00:06:50Boy
00:06:51Dirty boy
00:06:52In your bed
00:06:52On your rug
00:06:53Winnie Mandela
00:06:55On your rug
00:06:56Richard Branson
00:06:57On your rug
00:06:57In your bed
00:06:58On your rug
00:06:58Well, my nan
00:07:00She does get things mixed up
00:07:03Oh, yeah
00:07:04She gets things
00:07:05She gets things mixed up
00:07:07She gets the hair dryer
00:07:08Mixed up with the telephone
00:07:10You may have seen her around
00:07:13Wet hair
00:07:14Chat lips
00:07:15Not again, that piece
00:07:20Not again
00:07:22Well
00:07:22A pair
00:07:24Oh, yeah
00:07:25A pair of shoes
00:07:26And a key, please
00:07:28The familiar phrase
00:07:29A pair of shoes
00:07:35And a key
00:07:37And a trophy
00:07:40Why not?
00:07:40Go on, throw the trophy
00:07:41Well, alright
00:07:47I think we're milking that
00:07:48You're probably like me
00:07:52You have a system
00:07:53For remembering the gears
00:07:54In your car
00:07:54Am I right?
00:07:56You have a system
00:07:56First gear for me
00:07:58Daddy bear
00:07:59Am I right?
00:08:00First gear
00:08:00Daddy bear
00:08:02Second gear
00:08:04Second gear
00:08:04Mummy bear
00:08:05Third gear
00:08:07Baby bear
00:08:08Fourth gear
00:08:09Goldilocks
00:08:10Goldilocks
00:08:11Goldilocks
00:08:11Goldilocks
00:08:12Goldilocks
00:08:13Goldilocks
00:08:13You see, what Nan doesn't understand is
00:08:16The more she washes her hair
00:08:19The longer her phone mill
00:08:20Oh, it's kind of confusing for her
00:08:28Well, what a pleasure
00:08:29It is to be back here
00:08:30In London
00:08:31Because
00:08:32I like the place I'm in
00:08:34Where this Dixels
00:08:35Is Tesco
00:08:35Is Brunch of Eminence
00:08:36A drop-in centre
00:08:37For the old
00:08:38A dangerous crossroads
00:08:40Where people get killed
00:08:41A house of Oxfam
00:08:44Bernardos
00:08:44A spastic shop
00:08:46That they now call
00:08:46Scope
00:08:47A big, you
00:08:47A homemade
00:08:48Texas home store
00:08:49And like it's
00:08:50Meany roundabout
00:08:51Meany roundabout
00:08:54Meany
00:08:55Oh, yes
00:09:01Oh, yeah
00:09:03Yes
00:09:05Well
00:09:06Oh, thank you
00:09:11Oh, thank you very much
00:09:13Tab, tab, tab
00:09:14Tab, tab, tab
00:09:15Delete
00:09:16Delete, delete
00:09:17Delete, tap, tap
00:09:19Space, space, space, space
00:09:20Space, delete, delete, delete
00:09:22Space, delete, delete, delete
00:09:23Tab, tab, tab
00:09:24Tab, tab, tab
00:09:25And save
00:09:26No
00:09:30And down
00:09:30Roll
00:09:31I get knocked down
00:09:37But I'm a rock
00:09:37I'm a rock
00:09:37I'm a rock
00:09:38I'm a rock
00:09:39I'm a rock
00:09:40I'm a rock
00:09:40I'm a rock
00:09:40I'm a rock
00:09:41Now
00:09:41Oh, that's hell yeah
00:09:43Oh, a lovely big pint
00:09:45Look
00:09:45A lovely big pint
00:09:46Oh, yum yum
00:09:48There you go
00:09:48Oh, man
00:09:50You gasp
00:09:51Leave me
00:09:51You really do
00:09:52Oh
00:09:52It's going to leave a mark
00:09:54I know it is
00:09:55Oh, man
00:09:59It's rather nice
00:10:00A little bit of
00:10:00Chopped juice
00:10:01Yeah, it's still chopped juice
00:10:04A little bit of lamb cordial
00:10:06Cheers
00:10:09The
00:10:10Yum yum
00:10:11Now
00:10:12Go on then
00:10:14I know you've been
00:10:14I know you've been
00:10:16Nine and that
00:10:17Oh, no, you've got one
00:10:21Go on then
00:10:23Flying saucer
00:10:23Go on
00:10:24Go on, madam
00:10:25Help yourself
00:10:26There we are
00:10:26Go on, flying saucer
00:10:27There you go
00:10:29Two peepers
00:10:33I've got overheads
00:10:39She doesn't
00:10:41She doesn't understand
00:10:44My nan
00:10:45You see
00:10:45The more
00:10:46The more she phones
00:10:47To complain about it
00:10:48The more chapstick
00:10:49She gets through
00:10:50She said to me
00:10:56The other day
00:10:57Goldilocks
00:10:58Goldilocks
00:10:59Goldilocks
00:11:00Goldilocks
00:11:01She said to me
00:11:02The other day
00:11:03She said to me
00:11:08The other day
00:11:09Mmm
00:11:09Mmm
00:11:09Mmm
00:11:10Mmm
00:11:11Mmm
00:11:12Mmm
00:11:13Mmm
00:11:14Mmm
00:11:15Mmm
00:11:15Mmm
00:11:15Mmm
00:11:16I said, Nan
00:11:17That's pritch stick
00:11:18Of course, isn't it
00:11:18You've got those
00:11:19You've got those
00:11:24You've got those
00:11:26Mixed up
00:11:26The pritch stick
00:11:27And the chapstick
00:11:28That's how I remember it
00:11:29Eh
00:11:30The pritch stick
00:11:32The chapstick
00:11:33I haven't got one
00:11:33For a chipstick
00:11:34That's something
00:11:34Completely different
00:11:35Mmm
00:11:36Stellar bites
00:11:38Stellar tights
00:11:39Mmm
00:11:40Marlon Brando
00:11:41Susanne Dando
00:11:42The talented
00:11:42The talented presenter
00:11:46Swimmer
00:11:46Whatever you like
00:11:47Mmm
00:11:48Do you believe
00:11:48Do you mind me asking
00:11:49Sir
00:11:49Do you believe in God
00:11:50Do you believe in
00:11:51You don't, sir
00:11:52Don't blame me
00:11:53You've been dealt
00:11:53A very poor hand
00:11:54And, sir
00:11:56That nose needs
00:12:06Breaking and resetting
00:12:07In my view
00:12:08I wonder
00:12:09I wonder
00:12:11And it's all
00:12:15On this little
00:12:15Tiny tape
00:12:16I wonder
00:12:17I wonder
00:12:19Oh, Mr. Wallpaper
00:12:21So pretty
00:12:22Your pattern
00:12:22But beware
00:12:23Air bubble
00:12:24Palms
00:12:28Palms
00:12:29Palms
00:12:31Palms
00:12:32Palms
00:12:33Palms
00:12:34Arms
00:12:35Arms
00:12:36Arms
00:12:38Palms
00:12:39Palms
00:12:39Arms
00:12:40No more Vietnam's
00:12:41Thank you
00:12:42Oh, yeah
00:12:44Oh, yeah
00:12:44Well, I wonder
00:12:46I wonder
00:12:48I wonder what the world
00:12:49Would be like
00:12:51If when we walked
00:12:52Along our legs
00:12:53Made the sound
00:12:54Of a whining dog
00:12:54I wonder
00:12:55Bit like that, I suppose
00:13:10Wouldn't it?
00:13:10Bit like that
00:13:11She said to me
00:13:15The other day
00:13:15My nan
00:13:16She said, give me a hand
00:13:16With this jigsaw puzzle
00:13:17Of a chicken
00:13:18Because she does
00:13:19Get things mixed up
00:13:19She said to me
00:13:20You know, I can't find
00:13:21The picture of the chicken
00:13:23Anywhere
00:13:24I said, nan
00:13:24It's a box of cornflakes
00:13:26I've got the corners
00:13:36Look
00:13:36It's all beak
00:13:40Oh
00:13:41It's all
00:13:44Blooming beak
00:13:45Lavender blue
00:13:48Dilly dilly
00:13:48Lavender green
00:13:49No
00:13:50Lavender blue
00:13:51Dilly dilly
00:13:51Oh, I see what you mean
00:13:52Yes, the stem
00:13:53You're right
00:13:53Dilly dilly
00:13:54But I feel
00:13:56I feel
00:13:58I feel as if I'm making so many new friends tonight
00:14:04What news of biscuits
00:14:05On your rug
00:14:10Joe, on your rug
00:14:11I feel as if I'm making
00:14:13You come back to me on that, will you?
00:14:16Oh yeah
00:14:16I feel as if I'm making so many new friends tonight
00:14:20I really do
00:14:20You know, I don't know if I've made more friends tonight, quite honestly
00:14:23Or since I joined the chat lines
00:14:25Hey
00:14:26Hey
00:14:26You can make so many new friends on the...
00:14:29Where were you?
00:14:30Goldilocks!
00:14:31Goldilocks!
00:14:32Come...
00:14:32Now...
00:14:35Now...
00:14:36You can make...
00:14:40It's Suzanne's husband
00:14:44You recognised him?
00:14:46He...
00:14:46You can make so many new friends
00:14:48On day chat lines, can't you?
00:14:51I mean, you know, I'm thinking
00:14:52Well, the friends I've made this
00:14:54Let me say this
00:14:55There's Vince
00:14:55Vince
00:14:57And Alan
00:14:58And Brian
00:14:58Bob
00:14:59And Martinique
00:15:00There's Gary, Larry
00:15:01Matthew, Mark
00:15:02And Maurice
00:15:02Gaston
00:15:03Justin
00:15:03Trevor
00:15:04And Fred
00:15:04And now and then
00:15:05I call them from the phone by me bed
00:15:07Eva
00:15:07Shiva
00:15:08Amanda
00:15:08Margaret
00:15:09Marla
00:15:09Sid
00:15:09Bessie
00:15:10Jessie
00:15:10Bertie
00:15:11Barry
00:15:11Bernadette
00:15:11Lotty
00:15:12Dottie
00:15:12Theophilus
00:15:13And Joan
00:15:13Now and then
00:15:14I call them on the downstairs phone
00:15:15Sid
00:15:16Cyril
00:15:17Jerry
00:15:17Abednego
00:15:18Pat
00:15:18Matt
00:15:19That's Michelangelo
00:15:20His rod
00:15:20God
00:15:21Jerry
00:15:21And four beds
00:15:22Those are just a few of my jacked line friends
00:15:24That's how I remember them anyway
00:15:25You've got to have a system
00:15:26You've got to have a system
00:15:30Oh, go on then
00:15:31Just a half
00:15:32Just
00:15:33Oh, man, you guys
00:15:38Lamey
00:15:38See
00:15:38You look at a young person in the sleeping bag
00:15:42With a homeless sign
00:15:43You may think to yourself
00:15:44They could have just turned up this morning
00:15:46Written the sign
00:15:47It's one thing to think that
00:15:49It's quite another
00:15:51To drag them down to the embankment
00:15:52And go
00:15:53Look, there's a proper tramp
00:15:54Rather nice
00:16:03Now, uh
00:16:04You know when, uh
00:16:06Not just jockeys
00:16:08I think all small people
00:16:09Should have to wear a number
00:16:10I, uh
00:16:15You know when, uh
00:16:18You know when people say
00:16:21They've been abducted by aliens
00:16:23Hey, hmm
00:16:23Oh, I've been abducted by an alien
00:16:25Again
00:16:26They always
00:16:28Describe them, don't they
00:16:29It's always the same
00:16:30Big head, big black eyes
00:16:31Hmm
00:16:31And I wonder
00:16:32Whether far from being abducted
00:16:34By aliens
00:16:35They've actually been abducted
00:16:37By pandas
00:16:38Hmm
00:16:38What do you think?
00:16:40Hey
00:16:40Huh?
00:16:42Huh?
00:16:42Huh?
00:16:42Huh?
00:16:43Huh?
00:16:43Huh?
00:16:43Huh?
00:16:44Huh?
00:16:44Huh?
00:16:44They feel embarrassed, don't they?
00:16:46Because
00:16:46Well, of course they do
00:16:48The panda has a rather soft image
00:16:50Doesn't it?
00:16:52Huh?
00:16:52Hey
00:16:52Compared to most of the other bears
00:16:54They, for instance
00:16:55The grizzly bear
00:16:55Hmm?
00:16:55Hmm?
00:16:56Roar
00:16:57Braaar
00:16:59Hmm?
00:16:59Hmm?
00:17:00Hmm?
00:17:00Hmm?
00:17:01The
00:17:02Hmm?
00:17:04The per
00:17:04Hmm?
00:17:04The polar bear
00:17:05Hmm?
00:17:05Hmm?
00:17:06Hmm?
00:17:06Hmm?
00:17:07Hmm?
00:17:07Hmm?
00:17:08Hmm?
00:17:09Hmm?
00:17:09Hmm?
00:17:10And the panda
00:17:10Hmm?
00:17:11Hmm?
00:17:11Hmm?
00:17:12Hmm?
00:17:12Hmm?
00:17:13Hmm?
00:17:13Hmm?
00:17:14Hmm?
00:17:14Which would you rather have a fight with, sir, if you had to choose?
00:17:17Hmm?
00:17:18Hmm?
00:17:18I'll go through them again for you
00:17:20Hmm?
00:17:21Hmm?
00:17:22Hmm?
00:17:23Hmm?
00:17:24Don't miss a chance like that
00:17:25Do you ever, um
00:17:26Do you ever cut your fingernails with pink inches and pretend you're a fox?
00:17:29Aargh
00:17:31Harrlé
00:17:31Ah
00:17:32The grisly
00:17:33Braaar
00:17:34Braaar
00:17:35Arr
00:17:36The polar
00:17:37The paaaaaaaat
00:17:38Paaaaaaaaaaat
00:17:39Paaaaаat
00:17:40Paaaaaaaat
00:17:42Paaaat
00:17:45Paaaaaaaat
00:17:46It's childish, I know
00:17:49Go on, man, I'm gonna have another one
00:17:50Go on, I know you've been
00:17:51him?
00:17:51Hm?
00:17:51соп table
00:17:52Sit back down, you greedy man
00:17:53ja
00:17:54ger幫
00:17:56Eastern
00:17:56You greedy. Greedy man.
00:18:01Mm, mm, ha-ha. Ha-ha.
00:18:06Ha-ha. Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
00:18:11Or the panda.
00:18:13Which would you rather have a fight with, sir?
00:18:16You're bound to say the panda. Of course you are.
00:18:18You're quite happy to beat the living daylights out of an endangered species.
00:18:21Perhaps you can tell us, sir, when you punch one of your pandas in the eye, does it go white?
00:18:28Hey?
00:18:30Isn't it as simple as that?
00:18:32Uh, you lie. You've been abducted by pandas. You lie and say aliens.
00:18:38But at nighttime, when darkness falls, the nightmares return.
00:18:43No, Chi-Chi, no.
00:18:47No more bamboo.
00:18:50Uh.
00:18:51Let's meet the band. Here they are. The Caterers.
00:19:01You recognise him, do you? You recognise the man here?
00:19:04Yes, that's right. It's Bruno from Fame.
00:19:08Hi, for dirty. Hi, for dirty. Hi, for dirty. Hi, for dirty.
00:19:14Hi, for dirty. I'm safe.
00:19:16There he is.
00:19:17Mr. Bruno on his Clavinova Yamaha Clavinova PF100.
00:19:23Hmm? A joint Christmas and birthday present.
00:19:25Oh, yeah.
00:19:25Oh, yeah.
00:19:30Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:19:32It's a little more than we like to spend on the main gift.
00:19:34So we make a joint Christmas and birthday present.
00:19:39You then skip a birthday. We go back to Christmas and, uh...
00:19:42Of course, you do worry when buying fancy technological goods, don't you?
00:19:45Because technology does move so very fast.
00:19:48It's not quite the same concern, ladies and gentlemen, when purchasing an anvil.
00:19:57And they do say that a father will buy his son something that he really wants himself.
00:20:03Is that important? Hmm?
00:20:05Is it important to you?
00:20:06You're supposed to say that a father will buy his son something that he will really...
00:20:27That he really wants himself.
00:20:32And I'm thinking back now to my fourth birthday when my dad bought for me 14 rolls of woodchip wallpaper.
00:20:38It's a lovely gift.
00:20:43You recognise him, do you? Hmm?
00:20:45Hey? Hey?
00:20:45Do you recognise him?
00:20:46Hmm? Hmm?
00:20:48Madam, do you recognise him?
00:20:49Hmm?
00:20:50You should do.
00:20:50It's your dad.
00:20:53It's your dad.
00:20:54Come on, give him a nice big kiss.
00:20:55Come on.
00:20:55Honeycomb.
00:20:56Give him a nice big kiss.
00:20:57Come on, give him a nice big kiss.
00:20:59Oh, well, Mark, better luck next time.
00:21:01Hey, er...
00:21:02Well, what better now than, er...
00:21:06A little bit of, er...
00:21:08Louis Armstrong.
00:21:13Wonderful world on the bugle.
00:21:15Hmm?
00:21:16What a...
00:21:16What a wonderful, er...
00:21:18What a wonderful, er...
00:21:19What a wonderful idea.
00:21:20What a wonderful idea.
00:21:21Hmm?
00:21:21Oh, hello.
00:21:22Hello.
00:21:23Hey?
00:21:23Hmm?
00:21:24Hey?
00:21:24Hello, hello.
00:21:26Who's your lady friend?
00:21:27Who's little girl in my side?
00:21:30I saw you with a girl or two.
00:21:33Oh, oh, oh.
00:21:34I am surprised at you.
00:21:36Hello, hello.
00:21:37Oh, I'm your little game.
00:21:38Oh, don't you think your ways you ought to mend?
00:21:40It isn't the girl I saw you with in Brighton.
00:21:43So who, who, who's your lady?
00:21:44Who, who, who's your lady?
00:21:45Who, who, who's...
00:21:46Oh, it's a fella.
00:21:47I do beg your pardon.
00:21:47Oh, yeah.
00:21:48Oh.
00:21:58William Armstrong.
00:22:01Wonderful world on the bugle.
00:22:04Here we go.
00:22:04Hmm?
00:22:05Hmm?
00:22:05You see, it's bad enough...
00:22:07It's bad enough jilting someone at the altar, isn't it?
00:22:11But even worse, surely, to send someone along who looks a bit like you.
00:22:20I saw a tramp the other day.
00:22:24He's got his cardboard box there.
00:22:25And he sellotaped an orange crate to one side.
00:22:29And I said, it's him, old-timer.
00:22:30I said, what?
00:22:31What's that, old-timer?
00:22:34He said, it's a conservatory.
00:22:40Wouldn't it be?
00:22:43See, what you do, you walk into the shop wearing a pair of novelty shoes in the shape of keys.
00:22:49Oh, yeah.
00:22:51Oh, yeah.
00:22:53You've got him now, haven't you?
00:22:55He doesn't know whether to repair the novelty key-shaped shoes.
00:22:59Or cut you a pair exactly the same.
00:23:04You've got him.
00:23:07Wouldn't it be so much easier, though, if dogs only ate food that rhyme with their names?
00:23:11Isn't that an easier...
00:23:13Go on, just on the cheek, man.
00:23:15Just a...
00:23:16I think an old man, very happy.
00:23:19The...
00:23:20Under this system, if dogs only ate food that rhyme with their names,
00:23:23the poodle would eat, well, strudel or...
00:23:27or noodle.
00:23:29But if you think about it, that's the only dog that rhymes with a particular food.
00:23:35So presumably, that's why that system isn't in operation.
00:23:40No.
00:23:40No, stop trying to think of dogs that rhyme with food.
00:23:45No, stop it.
00:23:46There aren't any.
00:23:48There aren't any other dogs, apart from the poodle, that rhymes with food.
00:23:51Stop it.
00:23:52Bad girl.
00:23:53Dirty boy in your bed.
00:23:55A little bit of...
00:23:56Louie Armstrong.
00:24:00Wonderful world on the bugle.
00:24:02Here we go.
00:24:04I see treasure, please.
00:24:06There aren't any other dogs that have been written down, are there?
00:24:16No.
00:24:20Wouldn't it be so much easier, though, if we didn't...
00:24:22Instead of door keys, we had a system, right?
00:24:25Whereby there's a...
00:24:26Hey.
00:24:28You all right, sir?
00:24:31Would I be right in thinking, sir, that it's your first day out of prison?
00:24:37Don't worry, you'll...
00:24:38You'll soon get used to the...
00:24:42The bright lights and the high beer prices.
00:24:46Now...
00:24:46Goldilocks, Goldilocks, Goldilocks.
00:24:49Where were you?
00:24:51Now, this system, right?
00:24:53Okay, there's a hole in the door with a special sensor
00:24:55that recognises the size and shape of your nose.
00:24:59Not yours in particular, sir, I do apologise.
00:25:02Just yours just caught my eye there.
00:25:04Your face is small, makes the nose look big, isn't it?
00:25:12There's a...
00:25:13There's a special sensor, right?
00:25:16That recognises the size and shape of your nose.
00:25:19You have no need now for a key.
00:25:21You walk up to the door.
00:25:22Here we go.
00:25:23You place your nose in the hole.
00:25:28And the door swings open.
00:25:30Am I the only person with any ideas, really?
00:25:32Don't you see?
00:25:35There was no Kaiser Sosé.
00:25:44Cheddar cheese, Pekingese.
00:25:46No, I won't accept it.
00:25:47No.
00:25:48No.
00:25:50No.
00:25:52I won't accept it.
00:25:53Imagine the nightmares.
00:25:54No, Chichi, no, no.
00:25:56More, more.
00:25:57I got the wrong photos back from the developers.
00:26:05Yeah, instead of my photographs,
00:26:0736 exposures on the west coast of Ireland,
00:26:10I got 12 photographs of a middle-aged lady
00:26:13breastfeeding her baby.
00:26:17And a little tip,
00:26:18if you are going to have table mats made of your photos...
00:26:21Make sure you see him first.
00:26:31I'll be honest with you.
00:26:32Oh.
00:26:33Mmm.
00:26:33Oh.
00:26:34Mmm.
00:26:35Mmm.
00:26:35No, don't help me.
00:26:36I'll get it.
00:26:37No.
00:26:37Don't help me.
00:26:38Mmm.
00:26:38No, don't help me.
00:26:39I'll get it.
00:26:40I'll get it.
00:26:40Don't help me.
00:26:41Don't help me, anyone.
00:26:42Oh, the excitement of bobbing for apples.
00:26:44No, no, no, help me.
00:26:49No, don't help me.
00:26:50Christmas, 1914, in the trenches.
00:26:54Picture the scene.
00:26:54A voice goes up.
00:26:55Hey, Tommy, it is Christmas Day.
00:27:01That's right.
00:27:02It's a German accent.
00:27:05Can you place it?
00:27:06That's right.
00:27:07Alsace-Rhine borders.
00:27:10Hey, Tommy, it is Christmas Day.
00:27:14You fancy a game of football?
00:27:18So, we put down our gowns and went to play football with the Germans.
00:27:22A couple of hours later, we returned to our trenches and carried on firing.
00:27:27A couple of months went by.
00:27:29Hey, Tommy, it is pancake day.
00:27:36You fancy some nice, juicy pancakes?
00:27:40Need some lemon or some sugar, whatever you want.
00:27:44So, we went and had pancakes with the Germans.
00:27:46Of course, after that, we got a taste for it.
00:27:47We had a lovely Whitsun break.
00:27:50They came to us.
00:27:52We went to them.
00:27:54Two weeks in the summer in Portugal.
00:27:58We had a month at Ramadan.
00:28:00Oh.
00:28:00No wonder it took four years to kill them all.
00:28:03I don't know.
00:28:07What are the chances of that happening, though, really?
00:28:12You'd have two heavy bags of shopping, right?
00:28:15The beauty of it is.
00:28:16You've got two heavy bags of shopping.
00:28:18You walk up to the...
00:28:19You don't even have to put them down, do you?
00:28:20Walk up to the door.
00:28:22Place your nose.
00:28:26In the hole.
00:28:27And the door swings open.
00:28:30Yes, I've got tiny eyes.
00:28:38Now...
00:28:39Oh, a nice drop of...
00:28:43Little drop of chopped juice there.
00:28:45By the way, if your name is Jeff
00:28:47and you're thinking of opening up a shop
00:28:48that specializes solely in the sale of capes...
00:28:56Hmm?
00:28:57Hmm?
00:28:57Hmm?
00:28:58I wonder what kind of bird Humpty Dumpty
00:29:00would have hatched out to, though,
00:29:01had he lived, hey?
00:29:03Oh.
00:29:05Oh, sadly, we'll never know.
00:29:07Hmm?
00:29:08Looking a little bit down in the mouth there,
00:29:10madam, if I may say.
00:29:11I do.
00:29:11Hmm?
00:29:12A little bit...
00:29:13What should I say?
00:29:13A little bit fed up.
00:29:14Hmm?
00:29:16Are you looking kind of lonely, girl?
00:29:18Would you like someone new to talk to?
00:29:22Oh, yeah.
00:29:23All right.
00:29:25He's looking kind of lonely, too,
00:29:26if you don't mind.
00:29:27He puts you down there beside you.
00:29:30Oh, yeah.
00:29:32All right.
00:29:32Go on, sir.
00:29:33Go on, you swap seats.
00:29:34Go on.
00:29:34Just for this bit.
00:29:35Just swap these seats, sir.
00:29:36Go on.
00:29:36That's it.
00:29:36Up again.
00:29:36Go on.
00:29:37That's it.
00:29:37Go on.
00:29:38He's game.
00:29:38Look.
00:29:38He's game.
00:29:39He's up, right?
00:29:40Hey.
00:29:42If he seems to come on too strong,
00:29:44I hope that you will understand.
00:29:46It's just that he would like to know
00:29:47if you're as lonely as he is,
00:29:49and if you'd mind.
00:29:51Hmm.
00:29:56Sharing the night together.
00:29:59Oh, yeah.
00:30:00Go on.
00:30:00Slick your arm around, sir.
00:30:01Slick your arm around.
00:30:03Oh, all right.
00:30:04Twin beds, obviously.
00:30:06Nothing, uh, twin beds and a partition wall.
00:30:09The, oh, what the, man alive.
00:30:17Oh, come here.
00:30:20Come here.
00:30:20Where you've gone wrong here, my fine friend, you need to go back out, basically.
00:30:33Yeah, you need to go back on yourself, out into the main high street there.
00:30:37Oh, yeah.
00:30:38Left are the traffic lights.
00:30:40Past the Dixons, the Tesco.
00:30:42The branch of M&S.
00:30:43A drop in the city of the old Indian.
00:30:45A dangerous crossroads where people, you know.
00:30:47A bounce off of the band, but on those.
00:30:49A plastic shop.
00:30:50Oh, you know, you always get one or two.
00:31:17Hey.
00:31:20Well, I don't know whether you've, uh, I don't know whether you've seen the musical, Joseph.
00:31:24Have you seen that one?
00:31:25Hey.
00:31:25Oh, it's a wonderful, have you?
00:31:28Hmm?
00:31:29Some have and some have.
00:31:32Some have and some haven't.
00:31:33That's about what I expected, to be honest.
00:31:39Hey.
00:31:41If you haven't seen it, right, it's a wonderful idea for a musical.
00:31:45Get this, right?
00:31:45Hmm.
00:31:46Hmm.
00:31:46Hmm.
00:31:46Hmm.
00:31:46Hmm.
00:31:46Hmm.
00:31:46Hmm.
00:31:46Hmm.
00:31:46Hmm.
00:31:46Hmm.
00:31:46Hmm.
00:31:46Hmm.
00:31:47Hmm.
00:31:48Hmm.
00:31:49Hmm.
00:31:50Hmm.
00:31:50Hmm.
00:31:50Hmm.
00:31:51Hmm.
00:31:51Hmm.
00:31:52.
00:31:52It really is.
00:31:53Oh, I'm going to have to have it cut off again.
00:31:55I know I am.
00:31:55.
00:31:58Get this, you crazy cat.
00:31:59It's all about a man who's lost his coat.
00:32:04.
00:32:08Hmm.
00:32:10Hmm.
00:32:12Hmm.
00:32:13Hmm.
00:32:14Well, where did you see it last?
00:32:15.
00:32:16well I can't remember
00:32:22well did you have it in the club last night
00:32:24oh yes of course I had it in the club last night
00:32:28I ride with it yes
00:32:29well did you have it in the minicab on the way home
00:32:32oh no
00:32:34now you come to mention it
00:32:35I didn't have it in the minicab on the way home
00:32:38well give them a ring in the morning
00:32:40and see if they've had it handed in
00:32:42yes that's what I'll do
00:32:45well yes I'll give them a ring in the morning
00:32:47and see if they've had it handed in
00:32:49all sets of music it's a wonderful idea
00:32:52labrador lobster thermidor
00:32:58no I went to check it
00:32:59see the problem would be
00:33:04you'd get a cold your nose would swell up
00:33:06you wouldn't be able to get into your own house would you
00:33:08hey
00:33:09she said to me the other day my nan
00:33:14oh yes she's a wonderful
00:33:15a wonderful lady
00:33:16she said who's that little brown man
00:33:17hey who's the little brown man
00:33:19with the wide grin
00:33:20who's the little brown man
00:33:24with the wide grin who crouches in the corner of the room
00:33:27and when we touch his teeth
00:33:29he sings
00:33:30I said nan it's a piano
00:33:33come on
00:33:34we had a middle-aged lady friend of my mum round for dinner the other day and she's
00:33:47as I said she's an older lady she's just had a baby and I knew I recognized her face from
00:33:52somewhere
00:33:53unfortunately I'd already put the table mats out
00:34:01now
00:34:01some of you needed that extra bit didn't you
00:34:06now
00:34:08don't worry at all on this tiny tape
00:34:12I
00:34:13I think we've all got a favourite song have you
00:34:16have you got your ticket
00:34:17no I've lost the ticket
00:34:18no ticket
00:34:19no coat
00:34:20oh
00:34:20except the music
00:34:21it's a wonderful idea
00:34:22hey
00:34:24we've all got a favourite song and my one
00:34:26I don't know if you know it
00:34:28it's
00:34:28I want to be your lover baby
00:34:30I want to be your man
00:34:32you know the one
00:34:32hmm
00:34:32I want to be your lover baby
00:34:35I want to be your man
00:34:36love you like no other baby
00:34:38like
00:34:39no other cat
00:34:40I want to be your lover baby
00:34:43I want to be your man
00:34:44I want to be your lover baby
00:34:46I
00:34:47want to be your man
00:34:48want to be your man
00:34:50want to be your man
00:34:52want to be your man
00:34:54want to be your man
00:34:56want to be your man
00:34:57I want to be your lover baby
00:34:58I want to be your man
00:35:00I want to be your lover baby
00:35:02I want to be your man
00:35:03I want to be your man
00:35:04I want to be your man
00:35:05I want to be your man
00:35:06I want to be your man
00:35:07I want to be your man
00:35:08I want to be your man
00:35:09He used to run a sweet shop, my dad.
00:35:36Yeah, he did.
00:35:37And I've had a terrible week.
00:35:38I've had that anthrax.
00:35:40Have you had that?
00:35:46Diarrhea, blood in the urine, the liver was disintegrating, the kidneys had packed up.
00:35:51And, you know, I found the only thing that really helped was limb sip.
00:35:55Just took the edge off.
00:36:03Stopping doing Mark Morrison's community service all week.
00:36:06You know, just gives him a chance to recharge the stun gun.
00:36:12You know, oh, nuts!
00:36:13Oh, oh, oh, all right, Mark's a joker joke.
00:36:17Well, she said to me the other day, my man, she said, who's that little white man?
00:36:23Who's the little white man in the black hat?
00:36:28Who crouches in the corner of the bathroom?
00:36:36Who's the little white man?
00:36:38Black hat.
00:36:39And when we lift his black hat and we give him our effluent, and we pull his arm, he roars his approval.
00:36:48I said, Nan, you should know you've married him.
00:37:01What you do, you walk into the shop, you say, look, repair the shoes, fine.
00:37:05Would you mind cutting me an exact replica of my nose, just in case?
00:37:20It's the multicolored one up the back.
00:37:22I'm sorry, sir, no ticket.
00:37:23No coat.
00:37:30All set to music.
00:37:31It's a wonderful...
00:37:34He used to reckon you could tell a lot about someone from what sweets they bought my dad in the sweet shop.
00:37:40He used to reckon someone, for instance, who bought a Mars bar,
00:37:44Flash's wine, not to be trusted.
00:37:47Someone who bought a curly-whirly, work-shy scum.
00:37:50Someone who bought a Milky Way, effeminate, closet homosexual.
00:38:00Well, the shop closed down.
00:38:06Well, people don't want to hear that sort of thing when they're buying sweets, do they?
00:38:14Quiche Lorraine, Great Dane.
00:38:16Yes, I'll accept that one.
00:38:20Yes.
00:38:20No, not again.
00:38:27Wait a minute.
00:38:29I'll recognise that bat anyway.
00:38:33It's bat what?
00:38:34I'm not a bat.
00:38:49I'm a bird.
00:38:50Now, Bert Quark, when you joined my staff, your mission was to attract and rear a chicken.
00:39:05What have you done to attract a chicken this week?
00:39:07Nothing.
00:39:08Nothing.
00:39:08Nothing.
00:39:08Nothing.
00:39:08Nothing.
00:39:08Nothing.
00:39:08Nothing.
00:39:09Nothing.
00:39:09Nothing.
00:39:09But, Harry, one day I will catch me that chicken.
00:39:13No, no, no, I will not allow it.
00:39:17No bird, no song.
00:39:19Bad boy.
00:39:20Dirty boy.
00:39:21Dirty boy.
00:39:22Dirty boy.
00:39:23Dirty boy.
00:39:24Dirty.
00:39:25Dirty.
00:39:26Bad boy.
00:39:27Dirty boy.
00:39:27Dirty boy.
00:39:28Now, I've had enough of you.
00:39:30Who said Pando was dead?
00:39:36We'll be after tonight.
00:39:40I'm so thirsty though.
00:39:48Oh, that's rather nice.
00:39:54Yum yum.
00:39:58Yum yum.
00:40:00What?
00:40:02That's rather...
00:40:04What is it?
00:40:06Sir...
00:40:08Sir Blanc?
00:40:10Mine and somebody's Elvis.
00:40:14I'm coming over on Channel 4.
00:40:22Good evening, I'm Zainabadawi and here is the news.
00:40:26The headlines.
00:40:36More, more, more.
00:40:38He got a big face.
00:40:40I'm Zainabadawi.
00:40:42I go where Madawi go.
00:40:44I'm Zainabadawi.
00:40:46I know where Madawi knows.
00:40:50Help.
00:41:06Help.
00:41:08Other news.
00:41:10Other news.
00:41:12The National Eczema Society of Great Britain today have announced their new scratch card.
00:41:18You can't win anything but it gives you some idea of what it's like to suffer.
00:41:26You know.
00:41:28And of course Krauts have announced their new dog band.
00:41:30And here they are.
00:41:32Krauts.
00:41:33The Dachshund Five.
00:41:34Here they are.
00:41:36He's the main one there.
00:41:38He's the main most important one with the large white foot.
00:41:40Large white foot.
00:41:42Shiny front.
00:41:44Large white foot.
00:41:46Shiny front Dachshund for short.
00:41:48Here, two little pale eyes.
00:41:50One, two foot Dachshund.
00:41:52Pale eyes.
00:41:53Two foot Dachshund.
00:41:54Oh.
00:41:55I'm so thirsty.
00:41:56Oh.
00:41:57Hee hee hee hee hee.
00:41:58Eh.
00:41:59Rat fans.
00:42:00I'm so...
00:42:03I'm so thirsty.
00:42:05I don't know what I'm doing here.
00:42:06I'm not even a Dachshund.
00:42:08Eh.
00:42:11Come off it.
00:42:13Come off it mate.
00:42:15Hey fellas.
00:42:17Quit pushing.
00:42:18Eh.
00:42:19Come on.
00:42:20Give me a bit more room up this in.
00:42:21The Dachshund Five.
00:42:22They're in direct competition with the Poodles.
00:42:24There they are look.
00:42:25The Poodles.
00:42:26Eh.
00:42:27The sultry lead singer there with the front.
00:42:29The fancy front.
00:42:30Hey.
00:42:31Not so much off the top next time eh?
00:42:33Come on.
00:42:34Where you going with those clippers?
00:42:38Come on.
00:42:39Eh.
00:42:40You fancy some strudel?
00:42:42No.
00:42:43I've just had some noodle.
00:42:44Look at that chihuahua with its spaghetti cut.
00:42:49Carbinaro.
00:42:50And underneath of course the little tiny baby Poodles.
00:42:52There they are look.
00:42:53The little tiny ones.
00:42:54There they are.
00:42:55They huddle under.
00:42:56Underneath for warmth.
00:42:57Look.
00:42:58Look.
00:42:59One's got up there.
00:43:00Look.
00:43:01He's got up there.
00:43:02Oh.
00:43:03Naughty.
00:43:04Naughty.
00:43:05He'll get back round.
00:43:06Get in the queue again.
00:43:07Look.
00:43:08There they go.
00:43:09Hey.
00:43:10Hop.
00:43:11Hey.
00:43:12Hop.
00:43:13Hey.
00:43:14Hop.
00:43:15Hey.
00:43:16Hop.
00:43:17Hey.
00:43:18Hop.
00:43:19Hey.
00:43:20Hop.
00:43:21Hop.
00:43:22Hop.
00:43:23Hop.
00:43:24Isn't it annoying when you get a dog groomer with a blind spot though?
00:43:26Isn't that one of the most...
00:43:27No.
00:43:28No.
00:43:29No.
00:43:30No.
00:43:31Chichi.
00:43:32No.
00:43:33No more bamboo.
00:43:34That's all from me, Zainabadawi.
00:43:35Good night.
00:43:36Good night.
00:43:48It's Stufer, ladies and gentlemen.
00:43:51Oh, man.
00:43:52They're so pleased to see me.
00:43:53They really are.
00:43:55Oh, Mr. Harry.
00:43:57We're at the London Palladium.
00:43:58How did that happen?
00:43:59I've got no idea.
00:44:00Now...
00:44:01Little...
00:44:02Stufer here.
00:44:03Hmm?
00:44:04What's your...
00:44:05What's your favourite sweet, madam?
00:44:06Do you mind me asking your favourite sweet?
00:44:07Do you have one?
00:44:11Your favourite sweet?
00:44:13The flying saucer?
00:44:14You're a slut and a whore!
00:44:18It's not my system.
00:44:19The...
00:44:22You are a slut and a whore.
00:44:24He looks super here.
00:44:27He looks super here.
00:44:28Here he is, look.
00:44:29More.
00:44:30My tongue is so dry, Mr. Harry.
00:44:32My tongue is so dry.
00:44:34Well, pop it out for me, Stufer.
00:44:35Let's have a look.
00:44:36Hmm?
00:44:39Oh, it's a dry tongue.
00:44:41Hmm?
00:44:42Oh, it's a dry tongue.
00:44:43Just verify the dryness.
00:44:45Now, would you mind?
00:44:46Just for the ladies and gentleman at the back.
00:44:48Just verify the...
00:44:49BAAAH!
00:44:52You can turn at any minute.
00:44:53Little Stufer here.
00:44:54Over many years, many incarnations, many lives, if you like, he's...
00:45:01He's able to remember every historical event that ever happened.
00:45:04Imagine that.
00:45:05Hm?
00:45:06Yeah.
00:45:07Every historical event that ever happened, I am able to remember.
00:45:11That's what I said, didn't I?
00:45:14So, if anyone would like to shout out an historical event that Stufer might be able to flesh out the details.
00:45:19An eyewitness account, if you like.
00:45:21Anyone like to?
00:45:22The Battle of Hastings we've had up the back, I have to accept that one.
00:45:39Well, we might come back to Agincourt if we've got time.
00:45:44The Battle of Hastings, and that's the 1066 one, is it?
00:45:48Yes, of course.
00:45:49Here we go.
00:45:51Okay, the Battle of Hastings.
00:45:531066.
00:45:54Off we go.
00:45:55More so many arrows.
00:45:57Look out, Harold.
00:45:58Oh, too late.
00:46:03It's not brilliant, this bit, I'll be honest with you.
00:46:08What do you expect?
00:46:09A song?
00:46:11Okay, one more, I think, we'll accept.
00:46:14Pearl Harbor, we've had down there.
00:46:17Pearl Harbor, a year, sir.
00:46:18No, we've had Pearl Harbor, which I have accepted.
00:46:20We've already got some stacked up.
00:46:21You're held in a queue, sir.
00:46:22He knows you're waiting.
00:46:24No, we've had Pearl Harbor, which I have accepted.
00:46:29We've already got some stacked up.
00:46:30You're held in a queue, sir.
00:46:35He knows you're waiting.
00:46:36No, no, no, no.
00:46:37No, no.
00:46:38No, no.
00:46:39No, no, no, no, no.
00:46:40No, no, no, no, no.
00:46:42Okay, here we go.
00:46:43Pearl Harbor, 1941, I believe.
00:46:46Oh, here come the Japanese.
00:46:48knees. Agincourt, here we go. Well, except for you, sir, Agincourt. Oh, look at all that
00:47:05fighting. Where did you say we are again? Agincourt. Oh, yeah. Okay. Oh, my throat
00:47:16is so dry. Can I fix you once more? No, thanks. I just had one. How about a nice pick? That
00:47:23would do just fine. Is there any special way for no whatever you say? I just wonder, did
00:47:30you ever fall to die?
00:47:46Oh, that would be much harder. How about? Pulling your sword, if you don't mind. I know
00:48:01just a thing for us. Oh, no, I'm afraid I'd miss my butt. I just wonder, did you ever fall
00:48:07like people right here, right now? Do you know what I mean? Only the crumbly and
00:48:14brady and strong. Oh, my people right here, right now. All the time. So did. Respect you.
00:48:23Stupid there, ladies and gentlemen. I'll be going. I should have my own key, though,
00:48:47shouldn't I. Can I be of some assistance in Finsbury Park? Do they mean me? They surely
00:49:02do. My chief scientist. Dear Finsbury, what have you been up to? Well, Harry, I was only
00:49:08abducted by aliens. Pandas? No, Chi-Chi, no. No more bamboo. You like the lining, though,
00:49:17don't you? You like the lining. You like the lining, though, don't you, eh? Oh, it dazzles.
00:49:24It excites. I'll excite you in a minute if you're not careful. Chance to be a fine thing.
00:49:29Promises, promises. And relax. Harry, do you know how I remember all the names of all the
00:49:38Dr. Whos? How do you remember all the names of all the Dr. Whos, Finsbury? Like this.
00:49:43Maestro? Please.
00:49:46Ha-ha! No trap, we. Ha-ha! No trap, we. Make-a-make-a-m again. Make-a-make-a-m again.
00:49:52Ha-ha! No trap, we. Ha-ha! No trap, we. Make-a-make-a-m again.
00:49:57Bicar...
00:50:01DAIkids%! DAVIST! DAVISTS! DAVIST! DAVIST! DAVIST! DAVIST! DAVIST! DAVIST! DAVIST! DAVIST! DAVIST! DAVIST!
00:50:17I've heard you've got to have a system.
00:50:19Harry, isn't it so lovely, lovely, lovely, to be here at the London Pladium?
00:50:25The two of us belong together
00:50:29Oh, you'll be forever and ever
00:50:32No matter where you are
00:50:35Oh, you're that guiding star
00:50:37Hold me in your arms
00:50:40Don't let me go
00:50:41I want to stay forever
00:50:43Roser each day
00:50:45Home and away
00:50:55I can tell you a beautiful key, Harry
00:50:57A beautiful, beautiful key
00:50:59But it'll cost you
00:51:00Sounds expensive
00:51:01919, chop it's 50
00:51:03Finsbury Park
00:51:04Would you the pork
00:51:06Or will you
00:51:07The lamb
00:51:08Pork or lamb, Finsbury, what'll it be
00:51:15Oh, uh, uh, uh
00:51:16Pork, pork, pork
00:51:18Pork it is, very well done to you
00:51:19Pork or lamb, um, pork or lamb
00:51:21Lamb, I'll go lamb
00:51:22Lamb, lamb it is, very well done
00:51:24You're doing so well, you really are
00:51:25Pork or lamb
00:51:26Pork, pork, pork, pork
00:51:27Pork it is
00:51:28That card comes down
00:51:30I can't believe these cards, Finsbury
00:51:33You've been so lucky tonight
00:51:34You really are
00:51:35I can't believe these cards
00:51:37You're allowed to play to your cards
00:51:40Pork or lamb, Finsbury, what'll it be
00:51:43Uh, uh, lamb, lamb, lamb
00:51:45Lamb it is for the game
00:51:46For the game, for the game
00:51:48Oh, it's a Finsbury card
00:51:53I can't believe these cards
00:51:55Finsbury, you've been so lucky
00:51:56So lucky, really
00:51:58I can't believe these cards
00:51:59Nice to see myself looking so well
00:52:00I hope to see myself looking so nice
00:52:02Finsbury Park there
00:52:03And off he goes
00:52:05Oh, Baker, Baker, McGann
00:52:14McCoy
00:52:15Cushing doesn't count
00:52:21It was only in the films
00:52:22Hey, Harry
00:52:24Look, look
00:52:25I did catch you that chicken
00:52:27Look
00:52:28Hey, little hen
00:52:31When, when, when
00:52:33Will you play
00:52:34And then by tea
00:52:36Hey, little hen
00:52:39When, when, when
00:52:41Find some power for me
00:52:43The legendary
00:52:45First one
00:52:47Well, before I leave you tonight
00:52:54I would
00:52:56Just one
00:53:00No, but no
00:53:03Um, yes, I must go, sir
00:53:06Just as surely as one day
00:53:09You will go back to prison
00:53:10No, of course not
00:53:16I'd like to leave you now
00:53:17The little story
00:53:18Which is a true story
00:53:19In fact
00:53:19It regards my little tiny pig
00:53:22Called Buster
00:53:22I keep him at home
00:53:23And I
00:53:23I looked at him the other day
00:53:25Playing in the garden
00:53:26And I thought
00:53:26Poor old Buster
00:53:27Hey
00:53:27All he's ever known
00:53:29Is that little square of garden
00:53:31I thought to myself
00:53:32Why don't you show him
00:53:33A little of what we
00:53:34Hoomans
00:53:35Get up to
00:53:36So to this end
00:53:37I bought him
00:53:37A little white shirt
00:53:39And a black tie
00:53:40A little v-neck sweater
00:53:42A little tiny pair of trousers
00:53:44And they're not easy to get
00:53:45Because you go for the waist measurement
00:53:47The legs are far too long
00:53:48Little tiny pair of
00:53:50Oh, socks
00:53:52Shoes
00:53:52Chauffeur driven car
00:53:53Took us to the west end of London
00:53:55We went to a bar
00:53:56We had two cocktail drinks
00:53:57And a glass of champagne wine
00:53:59To a restaurant
00:54:00He chose from the a la carte menu
00:54:02Rather well, I thought
00:54:03We had chocolates
00:54:04Cigars
00:54:05Liqueurs
00:54:06To a West End show
00:54:07To a nightclub
00:54:07We danced
00:54:08The night away
00:54:09And finally
00:54:10To the Dorchester Hotel
00:54:11The one time home
00:54:12Of such celebrities
00:54:13As Elizabeth Taylor
00:54:14And Richard Burton
00:54:16The following morning
00:54:17We got up
00:54:18I had the full English breakfast
00:54:19He had the omelette
00:54:20Followed by hot buttered toast
00:54:22And choice of preserves
00:54:23It was quite a night
00:54:27The chauffeur
00:54:27Took us all the way back
00:54:28To my little garden flat
00:54:30And I released Buster
00:54:31Into the garden
00:54:32And I turned to him
00:54:32And I said
00:54:33You are a humble pig
00:54:35Aren't you
00:54:36But yesterday
00:54:37I showed you
00:54:38A little of what we humans
00:54:40Get up to
00:54:41Do you remember
00:54:41I bought you
00:54:43A little white shirt
00:54:44And a black tie
00:54:44A venex wear
00:54:46A little tiny pair of trousers
00:54:47As you know
00:54:48They're not easy to get
00:54:48Because if you go for the way
00:54:49Far too long
00:54:50Little tiny pair of socks
00:54:52Shoes
00:54:52Chauffeur driven car
00:54:53To the west end of London
00:54:54We went to a bar
00:54:55Buster
00:54:55Do you remember
00:54:56We had two cocktail drinks
00:54:57And a glass of champagne wine
00:54:58To a restaurant
00:54:59You chose
00:55:00From the a la carte menu
00:55:01Rather well
00:55:02I thought
00:55:02We had chocolates
00:55:03Cigars
00:55:04Liqueurs
00:55:04To a west end show
00:55:05To a night club
00:55:06We danced
00:55:07The night away
00:55:08And finally stufered
00:55:09To the Dorchester hotel
00:55:10The one time home
00:55:12Of such celebrities
00:55:13As Elizabeth Taylor
00:55:14And Richard Burton
00:55:15The following morning
00:55:16I the full English breakfast
00:55:18You the omelette
00:55:19Hot butter toast
00:55:20Choice of preserves
00:55:21Same chauffeur
00:55:22Took us all the way back here
00:55:23Will I release you
00:55:24Now
00:55:25I said
00:55:26What did you make of that
00:55:27He turned to me
00:55:29And he said
00:55:29Harry
00:55:29He said
00:55:30As you
00:55:30As you so rightly point out
00:55:32He said
00:55:32I am
00:55:33I am a humble pig
00:55:38But
00:55:38Yesterday
00:55:40You showed me
00:55:41A little of what
00:55:41You humans get out
00:55:42White shirt
00:55:43Black tie
00:55:44V-net
00:55:44Little tiny pair
00:55:45Not easy to get
00:55:45Socks
00:55:46Shoes
00:55:46Shove
00:55:46Driven car
00:55:47Two cocktail drinks
00:55:47And a glass of champagne
00:55:48White
00:55:49To a restaurant
00:55:49Chows from the Alicot
00:55:50Rather well
00:55:50I thought
00:55:51Choccy's a gardener
00:55:51Good
00:55:52To a west end show
00:55:52To a night club
00:55:53To a Dorchester hotel
00:55:55The one time home
00:55:56Such a limited
00:55:57Elizabeth Taylor
00:55:58Richard Burton
00:55:59You are falling behind
00:56:01The omelette
00:56:02Hot butter toast
00:56:03Choice preserves
00:56:03The same show
00:56:04But all the way back here
00:56:05He said
00:56:06Just one small question
00:56:07That show
00:56:09Was it really
00:56:10Just about a man
00:56:10Who'd lost his coat
00:56:11Here's my coat
00:56:16Where's my coat
00:56:21Don't stop me now
00:56:36I'm having a fall
00:56:39Don't stop me now
00:56:41I don't want to have a good time
00:56:42Just give me a call
00:56:44I'm a rock
00:56:44On my way to Mars
00:56:46On a delicious course
00:56:47At a satellite
00:56:48I'm out of control
00:56:50Like a dish
00:56:50I need to reload
00:56:52Like an atom bomb
00:56:53I'm going to go
00:56:54Don't go
00:56:55Don't go
00:56:56Explore
00:56:57I'm burning through the sky
00:56:59Yeah
00:56:59I'm burning through the sky
00:57:00Pulling at the front of the sky
00:57:02Driving at the speed of light
00:57:05I want to make a supertonic woman of you
00:57:07Stop it
00:57:09Have a good time
00:57:10Good time
00:57:10Stop it
00:57:11I want to make a supertonic woman of you
00:57:27Don't stop me now
00:57:30I'm burning through the sky
00:57:31Oh, come on
00:57:33Stop it
00:57:33Oh
00:57:35Thank you for sharing your night with us tonight, ladies and gentlemen
00:57:55Mr. Richard Thomas on the keyboard
00:57:57Mr. Mark Alice
00:58:03On Primitive Skin
00:58:06Stupor
00:58:08Didri Park
00:58:12Mr. Burns
00:58:16Go on
00:58:17That's all from us
00:58:20Thank you very much
00:58:21Good night
00:58:22I want to make a supertonic woman of you
00:58:25I want to make a supertonic woman of you
00:58:26I want to make a supertonic woman of you
00:58:27I want to make a supertonic woman of you
00:58:28I want to make a supertonic woman of you
00:58:29I want to make a supertonic woman of you
00:58:30I want to make a supertonic woman of you
00:58:31I want to make a supertonic woman of you
00:58:32I want to make a supertonic woman of you
00:58:33I want to make a supertonic woman of you
00:58:34I want to make a supertonic woman of you
00:58:35I want to make a supertonic woman of you
00:58:36I want to make a supertonic woman of you
00:58:37I want to make a supertonic woman of you
00:58:38I want to make a supertonic woman of you
00:58:39I want to make a supertonic woman of you
00:58:40I want to make a supertonic woman of you
00:59:43What a lovely Sunday night.
00:59:49They love the Palladium crowd.
00:59:53No, it was a clever wig.
00:59:54It wasn't really it.
00:59:55Now, a lot of young comics say to me, what's the secret?
01:00:02And I say to them, spend two hours a day reading a book, the Holy Bible, ladies and gentlemen.
01:00:12It doesn't stop them, but it slows them down.
01:00:22The show is over.
01:00:24The show is over now.
01:00:25Our song is dying.
01:00:29Come on.
01:00:29You've learned nothing of it.
01:00:33There ain't any more.
01:00:36The stage is ending now.
01:00:41The lights are fading.
01:00:44And as the curtain falls, my heart calls.
01:00:47Tell me why.
01:00:50The show is over now.
01:00:52I'm here.
01:00:56Come on.
01:00:57Come on.