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00:00:00Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome!
00:00:09Nice to see one or two bald men in the audience tonight.
00:00:13Particularly those accompanied by a lady.
00:00:16Well done, fellas!
00:00:18A word of warning before we start the show.
00:00:21During the parade later on, kindly do not approach the Badgers.
00:00:25And, if you're drinking and driving tonight and fear you may be over the limit, why not
00:00:32play safe?
00:00:33Take the back roots home.
00:00:36You heard me right, Badgers!
00:00:39And now, sit back and enjoy the show.
00:00:41Once upon a time, long, long ago, I adopted a son, a perfectly normal boy, who I named
00:01:01without a second thought, Alan, a simple name, easy to remember.
00:01:06He was a perfectly normal boy, normal in every way.
00:01:12He enjoyed all the things that young boys do enjoy, such as sport, booze, and girls.
00:01:30Perfectly normal, until one day, on his way home from school, he attempted to cross the
00:01:38road at a zebra crossing, where his playmates had previously crossed.
00:01:44Accosted by an irate lollipop lady, tired of young boys abusing her authority, he was forced
00:01:52to wait at the roadside, while the lollipop lady became distracted, talking to a stray housewife.
00:02:00Impatient by nature, Alan made a dash for it.
00:02:07The lollipop lady took this opportunity to give vent to years of pent-up anger, hitting
00:02:14him repeatedly about the face.
00:02:17It was thus that Alan became the boy with the big face.
00:02:22My first thought was to take the tiny boy, place him in a sack, and throw him in the canal.
00:02:34But you know, I looked at that large, round face, and took pity.
00:02:41After all, an adopted son is not just for Christmas, but for life.
00:02:45I accepted him as one of my own.
00:02:49I knew there would be problems ahead.
00:02:51He would routinely get his head stuck in railings.
00:02:55He could never wear a roll-neck jumper.
00:02:58But you know, he was great in golf.
00:03:02Shunned by society.
00:03:04Firmed and outcast.
00:03:06Taunted by his former playmates.
00:03:09Alan became depressed, and so I organized a special boat trip to France.
00:03:22It was a beautiful sunny day when we arrived at the harbor, and we were greeted by our captain,
00:03:29a tolerant man, himself of above-average-sized face.
00:03:34Oh, he welcomed us, and we climbed aboard his little vessel.
00:03:45Why, Alan, and I must confess, I too was excited.
00:03:52A boat trip to France.
00:03:53Just think of all that lovely duty-free.
00:03:57Off we sailed.
00:03:59And Alan, why, even danced a jig.
00:04:02Then suddenly, a storm blew up.
00:04:07Storm clouds gathered.
00:04:09Waves ripped the boat apart.
00:04:12The wind blew up,
00:04:14and rain showered down upon our heads.
00:04:19The captain quickly appeared,
00:04:22and beckoned us from the poop deck to below.
00:04:26Why, being British,
00:04:27we made the most of it.
00:04:29We took a bottle of our duty-free wine,
00:04:32and made a toast to the king.
00:04:37Oh, when will this storm cease?
00:04:44Suddenly,
00:04:45a French flying fish smashed the porthole,
00:04:48and we started to take on water.
00:04:50Why, we were sinking into the ocean.
00:04:54Quick as a flash,
00:04:55little Alan took his giant face
00:04:57and stabbed it into the porthole,
00:05:00acting like a giant cork.
00:05:04Why, he saved the boat from sinking that day.
00:05:07The vessel limped home,
00:05:09and a huge crowd had gathered to welcome us,
00:05:14all wanting to get a glimpse of the boy with the big face.
00:05:19Pretty soon, the story broke nationwide,
00:05:22and all the papers covered it.
00:05:24He was even awarded his own special medal by the king.
00:05:30But, you know,
00:05:32the ribbon was just ever so slightly too short
00:05:35to get over his big, fat face.
00:05:40But how the crowd cheered this little boy.
00:05:45Well, you know,
00:05:46success brings many things,
00:05:48fame, wealth,
00:05:49and love.
00:05:51Because Alan met a girl
00:05:53of, well,
00:05:55while not of huge face,
00:05:57she certainly had a larger than average face.
00:06:01Alan and the girl
00:06:02became lovers.
00:06:05And as they walked off into the distance,
00:06:08and I saw his face
00:06:09getting smaller and smaller
00:06:12as he walked away from me,
00:06:14I thought to myself,
00:06:16if only it were possible to keep it that size,
00:06:18but have it,
00:06:20well,
00:06:20closer.
00:06:22Of course,
00:06:23that could never be.
00:06:24It would always be
00:06:25the boy
00:06:26with the big
00:06:28face.
00:06:33And now,
00:06:34ladies and gentlemen,
00:06:35please welcome
00:06:36Elaine Page and Barbara Dixon.
00:06:48Looking back,
00:06:51I could have played it differently.
00:06:55Perfect situation.
00:06:57What's wrong?
00:07:00I needed time to understand a man.
00:07:03Now, at least,
00:07:04I know him well.
00:07:06Wasn't it good?
00:07:07Not so good.
00:07:08Wasn't it fine?
00:07:09Not so bad.
00:07:11More security.
00:07:24He needs his fantasy and freedom.
00:07:28I know him so.
00:07:37Of course,
00:07:38I'm not Elaine Page.
00:07:40This isn't Barbara Dixon.
00:07:43Ladies and gentlemen,
00:07:44the power of suggestion,
00:07:46the simple power.
00:07:50The simple power
00:07:52of suggestion,
00:07:55working as a team.
00:07:55Rose for the lady, sir.
00:08:02Rose for the lady.
00:08:05Rose for the lady, sir.
00:08:06Rose for the lady.
00:08:08Rose for the lady.
00:08:09Rose for the lady.
00:08:11Rose for the lady.
00:08:11Rose for the lady.
00:08:12Black pepper, sir.
00:08:13Black pepper.
00:08:16Black pepper, black pepper.
00:08:18Black pepper.
00:08:19Parmesan, sir.
00:08:19Parmesan, parmesan, parmesan.
00:08:21Parmesan, parmesan.
00:08:22Rose for the lady.
00:08:23Black pepper, parmesan.
00:08:23Rose for the lady.
00:08:24Black pepper.
00:08:25Parmesan.
00:08:25Return of the mag, return of the mag, return of the mag.
00:08:31And apparently, if you get sent a letter, you're not sure who it's from.
00:08:37What you do, you run after the postman, you shout 1471, he's got to tell you.
00:08:44He's got to tell you, he's got to tell you.
00:08:46Go in the J-O, go in the J-O, go in the J-O, J-O, J-O.
00:08:50Now, it's shiny, it excites.
00:08:58If you drop a Bible from a height, you can kill a field mouse, can't you?
00:09:03So maybe the Bible isn't all good.
00:09:07Now, my nan was thrown out of the pub for cheating at Domino's.
00:09:12Oh yeah, she was caught with a packet of bourbon biscuits and a bottle of tip-ex.
00:09:15And he's a private dancer, class of money, you know what you want me to do.
00:09:24Now, you know when you, you know it's too hot to be messing around with these, sir.
00:09:29What, what, what, what, what, go?
00:09:31He, hmm, you like that lining, don't you?
00:09:34You like the lining.
00:09:36It excites, it dazzles.
00:09:37What was your nickname at school, sir?
00:09:38Do you mind me asking your nickname?
00:09:40Sausage Nose, was it?
00:09:41Hmm?
00:09:42Hmm?
00:09:43Sausage Nose, was it?
00:09:44Hmm?
00:09:44Funny Eyes?
00:09:45Hmm?
00:09:46Hmm?
00:09:46Is it?
00:09:47Funny Eyes, Scorny Neck?
00:09:48What was it, sir?
00:09:48Hmm?
00:09:49Hmm?
00:09:49Don't worry, I'll find out.
00:09:50Now, the, the, the, the almond, have pity on the almond.
00:09:58Hmm?
00:09:58Too broad and flat to be a penis.
00:10:01Hmm?
00:10:02Hmm?
00:10:04Too small to be a Brazil.
00:10:07The almond.
00:10:08Hmm?
00:10:09You get, you get a rabbit in the headlights of the car and they go like that, don't they?
00:10:12Hmm?
00:10:13Hmm?
00:10:13Hmm?
00:10:14Hmm?
00:10:15Hmm?
00:10:16Hmm?
00:10:16Hmm?
00:10:16Hmm?
00:10:17Hmm?
00:10:17Hmm?
00:10:18The reason is they collect number plates.
00:10:20Hmm?
00:10:23Hmm?
00:10:23They only ever collect one.
00:10:25Hmm?
00:10:27Hmm?
00:10:28Hmm?
00:10:28Dribble, dribble, dribble, pass.
00:10:30Think of the other fella.
00:10:31Hmm?
00:10:32Isn't it?
00:10:34Hmm?
00:10:34Oh, in the, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:10:35Isn't it, er?
00:10:36Isn't it annoying, though, when you're shopping with your Nan and she's going,
00:10:40Shoot me, shoot me, I'm slowing you down.
00:10:46Arthur Rikers, Arthur Rikers, Arthur Rikers, Arthur Rikers, really love your tiger life.
00:10:52My mum, she did have one arm slightly longer than the other.
00:10:55Tragically, yes, it did mean she did have to wear a slightly built-up mitten.
00:10:59And of course, I do, I like Coronation Street, but of course I do miss a Bette Lynch.
00:11:07Oh, I miss a Bette Lynch.
00:11:08Well, when I say Bette Lynch, of course, I'm referring to the actress who plays the part of Bette Lynch.
00:11:14I'm referring to, of course, Julia.
00:11:17Julia.
00:11:18Not bad, looking forward to Christmas.
00:11:21It's too hot to be messing around with these silly...
00:11:34It was four little tiny wigs working as a team.
00:11:37Four of them.
00:11:38New labour.
00:11:39New danger.
00:11:41It wasn't really a main page.
00:11:43Madam, have pity on me, I've only got one leg, look.
00:11:46Turn away, madam, turn away.
00:11:48And down.
00:11:50Hey.
00:11:52Hm?
00:11:53Complimentary Kit Kat?
00:11:54Complimentary Kit Kat, madam.
00:11:55Come on.
00:11:57Hum, you know?
00:11:58You like it, go- Complimentary Kit Kat.
00:11:59Humm?
00:12:00Come on, madam, come on.
00:12:01Helper revived al' corn, hi.
00:12:04Complimentary Kit Kat.
00:12:05Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
00:12:07You like the chocolate and biscuit all mixed up?
00:12:10Hm?
00:12:11Come om man, no you like it, huh?
00:12:13Hm?
00:12:14Come on man.
00:12:15Come om...
00:12:16Complimentary Kit Kat!
00:12:17Come on, man.
00:12:18Jake, I can't do it!
00:12:20Put it back, I can't do it!
00:12:26Not wrinkled enough to be a walnut.
00:12:34You see, the difference...
00:12:36What, big ears, sir? What was it?
00:12:38Big ears!
00:12:42The difference between man and the animals,
00:12:44and there is a difference, man commits murder, doesn't he?
00:12:46Oh yeah, the animals, they don't commit murder, and that is why
00:12:50you'll never see an animal version of Cluedo.
00:12:54You won't see it, you won't find it, you won't find anything that's shiny,
00:12:58it does dazzle, it excites.
00:13:00Now, 16 years of this government may seem like a long time to you,
00:13:04it's a lifetime to a dog, isn't it?
00:13:08They're barking out for change.
00:13:10You like donuts?
00:13:12Of course you do, they're a lovely, sweet, jam-filled snack.
00:13:15Now, I was...
00:13:19driving along...
00:13:21I was driving along with my Nan,
00:13:23and every corner we go round,
00:13:25she's going...
00:13:27We're going too fast, we're gonna crash!
00:13:29We're going too fast, we're gonna crash!
00:13:31In the end, I said to her, Nan, for pity's sake,
00:13:33move over, I'll drive.
00:13:35That's neat, that's neat, that's neat, that's neat shingles.
00:13:41Look at that, look at that stance.
00:13:43Mole...
00:13:45Mole...
00:13:47Mole...
00:13:49Mole...
00:13:51Mole...
00:13:53Mole...
00:13:55Oh yeah, and I had to wear hand-me-downs as a child,
00:13:59going back generations, oh yeah.
00:14:01Up until the age of nine, I was dressed as a cavalier.
00:14:03Come on...
00:14:05You know what B and Q stands for?
00:14:09No, no one does, it's a mystery.
00:14:11Beep!
00:14:13Oh yeah, and later on, I'm gonna be telling you
00:14:15how to make a penny on every single doughnut you buy.
00:14:19Oh, got your attention now, haven't I?
00:14:21See, it's all very well collecting and reusing carrier bags,
00:14:25but once that starts to interfere with drawer opening,
00:14:28you've got a problem.
00:14:32Oh yeah, you've got a problem.
00:14:34Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?
00:14:35It'll be the mouse, in the scourging board,
00:14:37with the lead piping, it'll never happen.
00:14:40Hmm? Hmm?
00:14:41It'll never happen.
00:14:42Now, the...
00:14:44Ready or not, here I come, you can't hide.
00:14:47My old mum...
00:14:49Another clear night, oh...
00:14:51My old mum...
00:14:53You start...
00:14:55What's your favourite lecture, madam?
00:14:57Do you mind me asking?
00:14:58Your favourite letter?
00:14:59We've all got one, I think.
00:15:00Your favourite letter?
00:15:01What is it, madam?
00:15:02Hmm? Hmm?
00:15:03What is it?
00:15:04Hmm?
00:15:05The letter J, do you know it's value in Scrabble?
00:15:08No, you don't, do you?
00:15:10No, you like the look of the letter J,
00:15:11it's exciting, it goes down, it goes round,
00:15:13it's exciting.
00:15:14Hmm?
00:15:15You like it, but you don't know much about it, do you?
00:15:17You haven't...
00:15:18You haven't looked into it in any detail.
00:15:20Hmm?
00:15:21You like it in a sort of superficial way.
00:15:23Would I be right in thinking, madam,
00:15:25that your relationships tend to peter out after a couple of weeks?
00:15:31You're a little bit shallow.
00:15:35Remember...
00:15:37Oh, Mr. Sycamore 3, why you produce so much sap?
00:15:41Remember...
00:15:42That's right, a whole new penny on every single one.
00:15:46Remember...
00:15:47Not curly enough to be a cashew.
00:15:51In the almond.
00:15:53My old mum used to say to me that life is like a game of Monopoly.
00:15:57Oh, yeah, you go round and round.
00:15:59Hmm? Sometimes you end up in free parking.
00:16:01Hmm? Sometimes you end up in jail.
00:16:03You buys a house, it takes a chance.
00:16:05Who knows, one day you end up with a hotel on Park Lane.
00:16:08Now, that may sound like a rather naive assessment of life,
00:16:12but, you know, two days after she told me that,
00:16:14I won second prize in a Luigi contest.
00:16:20Maybe there's something in it.
00:16:22Hmm?
00:16:24Remember when...
00:16:25End Dog Leads came out?
00:16:26You remember that?
00:16:27Dog Leads, you're probably too young to remember.
00:16:28But in the old days, oh, yeah, before Dog Leads,
00:16:30you used to take a dog for a walk,
00:16:32you'd never see it again.
00:16:34Oh!
00:16:35We used to get through 30 or 40 dogs a year.
00:16:42Now, you're watching television,
00:16:44it's difficult to remember the stars' names, isn't it?
00:16:46You see, I know the face, but I can't put a name to it.
00:16:49Simple system that I've come up with,
00:16:50and you do have to have a system,
00:16:52associate each particular star with a particular suite.
00:16:55Oh, yes.
00:16:56With a particular suite.
00:16:58A star's name, confectionery, remembering system.
00:17:01Here we go.
00:17:04Curly-whirly.
00:17:05Liz Hurley.
00:17:09A wagon wheel.
00:17:11Seal.
00:17:12There's just...
00:17:14There's just two of them for you.
00:17:15Now, I saw a...
00:17:17I saw a bloke the other day.
00:17:18He's walking along.
00:17:19Yeah, all right, John, leave it with me.
00:17:20No, all right, John, I'll sort it out now.
00:17:21All right, no.
00:17:22All right, John, leave it with me.
00:17:23I'll sort it out.
00:17:24But he didn't have a mobile phone in his hand.
00:17:26In his hand, no.
00:17:27In his hand, he had a little tiny bloke called John.
00:17:33All right, all right.
00:17:35And if you're making...
00:17:38If you're making...
00:17:39On the head, on the head.
00:17:40Go!
00:17:41If you're making a lot of phone calls,
00:17:43reduce the phone bills,
00:17:44only use the important words.
00:17:46Mum, tag it on TV.
00:17:48No spare tape.
00:17:49Am I...
00:17:52I wondered whether it stood for Linda Barron from Open All Hours
00:17:55and Pauline Quirk from The Feather Program.
00:17:58Why, I wondered whether the two of them had got together
00:18:00and built this huge DIY superstore.
00:18:05Perhaps a little far-fetched.
00:18:07No.
00:18:09My...
00:18:10One or two of you.
00:18:11My old mum.
00:18:13Cheers!
00:18:14Rather nice.
00:18:15Little bit of top juice there.
00:18:16Rather nice.
00:18:17Mmm.
00:18:18Little bit of lamb cordial.
00:18:19Mmm.
00:18:20Mmm.
00:18:21You're probably like me.
00:18:22You have those pie nightmares.
00:18:23Do you have the pie nightmares?
00:18:25When you're in bed,
00:18:26you're eating a lovely juicy pie.
00:18:28Mmm, yum, yum.
00:18:29The lovely juicy pie.
00:18:31Mmm.
00:18:32Suddenly, you realise,
00:18:33far from being a juicy pie,
00:18:35it's your nan's head.
00:18:36Meh, pie!
00:18:37Oh!
00:18:38Oh, my God!
00:18:39Mmm, mmm, mmm,
00:18:40not again!
00:18:41Oh!
00:18:42Mr. Conquetry.
00:18:44He produced a little sap.
00:18:46Now...
00:18:48Do you remember,
00:18:49I wonder whether you remember,
00:18:51when sellotape came out, hmm?
00:18:53You're probably too young to remember.
00:18:55They're not even that big,
00:18:56so your face is small,
00:18:57makes the ears look big.
00:18:58Have you ever bothered to measure them?
00:19:03Sellotape came out.
00:19:05And you're probably too young to remember,
00:19:08but in the old days,
00:19:09smooth on one side, sticky on the other.
00:19:10Sellotape came out.
00:19:11Great big things.
00:19:12When it first came out,
00:19:13the size of a cartwheel.
00:19:14Mmm.
00:19:15Oh, yeah.
00:19:16You had to keep it in the spare room.
00:19:17Mmm.
00:19:18Mmm.
00:19:19Mmm.
00:19:20Mmm.
00:19:21Great big things.
00:19:22But now,
00:19:23as technology's come in,
00:19:24hmm,
00:19:25they've managed to shrink the size right down.
00:19:27Oh, yeah,
00:19:28they've got these little tiny rolls of sellotape.
00:19:30Amazing.
00:19:31If you look at it now,
00:19:32if I knew now,
00:19:33then,
00:19:34if I'd known now,
00:19:35then,
00:19:36if I'd knew it,
00:19:37if I'd known that now,
00:19:38if I knew it,
00:19:39if they'd,
00:19:40if I knew it,
00:19:41they've got the...
00:19:42Right.
00:19:43A child can carry it.
00:19:44Or a lady.
00:19:45Oh, yes.
00:19:46A lady can...
00:19:47Carry that roll of sellotape
00:19:49without embarrassment.
00:19:50It won't...
00:19:51Oh, yes.
00:19:52It won't spoil a line of a tight-fitting skirt.
00:19:55Or body.
00:19:58You know,
00:19:59I was,
00:20:00er,
00:20:01playing my young cousin,
00:20:03Robbie,
00:20:04at, er,
00:20:05blow football,
00:20:06and, er,
00:20:07he had an asthma attack.
00:20:11Still,
00:20:1210-0,
00:20:13you know.
00:20:14Oh!
00:20:15Oh!
00:20:16Oh!
00:20:17Man on!
00:20:18Man on!
00:20:19Where were you?
00:20:20Here.
00:20:21Just slip one of your shoes off, madam.
00:20:23I'll give it a polish.
00:20:24How about that?
00:20:25Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?
00:20:26Come on, I've got the brushes here,
00:20:27with all that.
00:20:28I'll get going with that.
00:20:29Just slip, hmm? Hmm?
00:20:30Just slip, hmm? Hmm?
00:20:31With the cat,
00:20:32in the shed,
00:20:33with the candlestick.
00:20:34It'll never happen.
00:20:35Don't look for it.
00:20:36Hmm?
00:20:37You see,
00:20:38sherbet dip,
00:20:39David yip.
00:20:40There's just...
00:20:41three of them.
00:20:42Flat tyre, junction four,
00:20:43nuts too tight.
00:20:44Half your phone bills.
00:20:49Slip one of your shoes off, madam.
00:20:52We'll get going with that, er,
00:20:54polishing scenario.
00:20:55Come on. Hmm?
00:20:56I'll be gone. Come on.
00:20:57Get one of the shoes off.
00:20:58Are you worried about all the laces?
00:21:00Isn't it?
00:21:01Easy to get them off,
00:21:02but not so easy to get them on.
00:21:03Hmm?
00:21:04Come on.
00:21:05Slip one of those off,
00:21:06and we'll...
00:21:07Hmm? Hmm?
00:21:08Hmm?
00:21:09Hmm?
00:21:10Hmm?
00:21:11Hmm?
00:21:12Hmm?
00:21:13Hmm?
00:21:14Get the shoe off.
00:21:16If Mummy loved me,
00:21:19why is she not breathing?
00:21:20Get!
00:21:21Hmm?
00:21:22Hmm?
00:21:23Bruce Forsyth,
00:21:24with those big playing cards,
00:21:25I mean,
00:21:26come on, Bruce.
00:21:27If you're short-sighted,
00:21:29get glasses.
00:21:30Hey?
00:21:31Don't just have everything made big,
00:21:32Bruce.
00:21:33Hmm?
00:21:34You're not too easy for me.
00:21:35Nelson Mandela.
00:21:36More crazy shirts, please.
00:21:37Come on, madam,
00:21:38just...
00:21:39You bought yourself a little bit of time.
00:21:40Slip the shoe off.
00:21:41that's it, let's have it up here
00:21:44we'll give it a nice old polish up
00:21:46we'll get all the lovely
00:21:47see a turtle
00:21:50lives to 200 years, you say to a turtle
00:21:52how you're voting in the next election
00:21:53you'll say, well look, give them a chance, they've only been there five minutes
00:21:56it's a question
00:22:00of scale
00:22:01I've got your shoe now, haven't I?
00:22:05I've got your shoe
00:22:06had you thought about how you were going to get home?
00:22:09had you thought?
00:22:11hop, hopping home, isn't it?
00:22:14hop, hop, hop, hop, hop
00:22:15hop, hop, hop, hop, hop, hop
00:22:17stitch, stitch, stitch
00:22:18what is the point of introducing
00:22:22fancy new stalking laws
00:22:24if you're quite happy to give your shoes to a strange man
00:22:26bad girl, dirty girl, in your bed
00:22:30oh, I speak a little facts
00:22:36oh yeah
00:22:36with a slight accent, I grant you
00:22:46I know what you're thinking
00:22:49what's the best way to transport an owl?
00:22:53well
00:22:53it's quite easy
00:22:56you take your owl
00:22:57you take your owl barn
00:22:58or tawny
00:22:59they're the main two owls
00:23:00aren't they?
00:23:01the barn owl
00:23:02and the tawny owl
00:23:04that's how I remember
00:23:06you're going to have a system, haven't you?
00:23:07stalagmites
00:23:08and stalactites
00:23:09Marlon Brando
00:23:12Suzanne Dando
00:23:13two
00:23:13two very different things
00:23:17well
00:23:17ribbons
00:23:17look, it's easy
00:23:19here I come, you've got an eye
00:23:25oh yeah
00:23:25the stalagmites
00:23:27the barn owl
00:23:30and the tawny owl
00:23:31the barn owl
00:23:31of course
00:23:32with its big white face
00:23:33the little tawny owl
00:23:34with its little brown face
00:23:36but they get on fine
00:23:37don't they?
00:23:38oh they get on fine
00:23:39hmm
00:23:40and I'm not mentioning
00:23:41the snowy owl
00:23:42oh, I make no apologies for that
00:23:45oh no
00:23:47it takes
00:23:47sixteen snowy owls
00:23:49to stuff a pillow
00:23:50a tragic
00:23:54waste of life
00:23:55but oh, so comfy
00:23:56hmm
00:23:57how could something so cruel
00:24:02be so comfy
00:24:03you take your
00:24:06the barn owl
00:24:07as I say
00:24:07traditionally
00:24:08lives in the
00:24:09there's a clue in the name
00:24:11in the barn
00:24:14the little
00:24:17tawny owl
00:24:19with its little brown face
00:24:20lives traditionally
00:24:21in the
00:24:21big ears
00:24:22in the woodland
00:24:25doesn't he?
00:24:26lives in the woodland
00:24:27if mummy care
00:24:28why is she so cold?
00:24:31she
00:24:31she lives in the woodland
00:24:34where the barn owl
00:24:34is in the barn
00:24:35they get on fine
00:24:36of course
00:24:36provided the little tawny owl
00:24:38doesn't attempt to enter the barn
00:24:40then you can imagine
00:24:42hey
00:24:42you can imagine
00:24:43the sort of friction
00:24:44that occurs
00:24:44hmm
00:24:45hmm
00:24:46if
00:24:46you can imagine it
00:24:47hmm
00:24:47if little tawny owl
00:24:49tries to get in
00:24:49the barn
00:24:50hmm
00:24:51yes
00:24:51a little bit of the friction
00:24:53which I would like to
00:24:54recreate for you now
00:24:55that friction
00:24:56as I say
00:24:56the frisson
00:24:57of friction
00:24:57if you like
00:24:58when
00:24:58tawny owl
00:24:59traditionally
00:25:00based
00:25:01in the woodland
00:25:02uh
00:25:02tries to enter
00:25:03the barn
00:25:04the traditional home
00:25:05of the
00:25:05barn owl
00:25:06oh thank you
00:25:06where do you think
00:25:13you're going
00:25:14now
00:25:15you
00:25:16well
00:25:18oh it gets worse
00:25:19than that believe me
00:25:20but that's just
00:25:21tip of the iceberg
00:25:22very much so
00:25:23now
00:25:23you take
00:25:24if you're
00:25:26if you're transporting
00:25:27your owl
00:25:27you
00:25:28you take your owl
00:25:29you roll it in newspaper
00:25:30oh yeah
00:25:30roll it in newspaper
00:25:31nothing hard about it
00:25:32roll it in newspaper
00:25:33rubber band
00:25:35over the top
00:25:36cut two holes
00:25:37for the eyes
00:25:37oh yeah
00:25:39cut two holes
00:25:40for the eyes
00:25:40he's coming with you
00:25:41on the journey
00:25:42hmm
00:25:42hmm
00:25:43let him enjoy
00:25:44the journey
00:25:44hmm
00:25:45let him see
00:25:46the vista
00:25:47as it passes by
00:25:48hmm
00:25:48for if you don't
00:25:50cut holes
00:25:51hmm
00:25:51his little head
00:25:52is spinning round
00:25:52looking for the holes
00:25:53isn't it
00:25:54hmm
00:25:59I can't believe
00:26:00he wouldn't have
00:26:01cut any holes
00:26:01how am I supposed
00:26:04to enjoy the vista
00:26:05well of course
00:26:09the owl
00:26:09has that head
00:26:10swiveling facility
00:26:11but don't overuse it
00:26:12that's all I'm saying
00:26:13hmm
00:26:15bag of Maltesers
00:26:16Norman St. John St. Louis
00:26:17it's just
00:26:19isn't it
00:26:22isn't it annoying
00:26:24though
00:26:24when you
00:26:24you're at the petrol station
00:26:26and you suddenly realise
00:26:27that the nozzle
00:26:28of your petrol pump
00:26:29far from being
00:26:30in the petrol tank
00:26:31of your car
00:26:32is in the pocket
00:26:33of the man standing
00:26:33in front of you
00:26:34not again
00:26:39same with pritch stick
00:26:40wasn't it
00:26:40when pritch stick
00:26:41came out
00:26:41great big things
00:26:42you had to keep
00:26:42them in the garage
00:26:43you're probably
00:26:45too young to remember
00:26:46you used to have to
00:26:46back them in
00:26:47come on
00:26:47to me
00:26:47to me
00:26:48to me
00:26:50to me
00:26:51oh
00:26:51it's sticky
00:26:54unwind it
00:26:55unwind it
00:26:56but gradually
00:26:57as technology's come in
00:26:59they've managed
00:26:59to shriek
00:27:01the size
00:27:02of the pritch stick
00:27:02right now
00:27:03they've got little
00:27:04tiny pritch sticks
00:27:04now
00:27:05a child can carry
00:27:06a lady can carry
00:27:11that on a person
00:27:11without embarrassment
00:27:13it won't spoil the line
00:27:15of a tight fitting
00:27:16cagoule or poncho
00:27:17and
00:27:21oh yeah
00:27:22I'm getting
00:27:23I'm getting married
00:27:24oh yeah
00:27:25thank you for that
00:27:25support and encouragement
00:27:27I am
00:27:27getting married
00:27:29well
00:27:29once the papers
00:27:30come through
00:27:30from the Philippines
00:27:31Mae Sung's her name
00:27:35Mae Sung
00:27:36literally translated
00:27:37means Jean
00:27:38that's a lovely
00:27:39it's a lovely
00:27:41coincidence
00:27:42and Mae Sung
00:27:43will make me
00:27:44a lovely dinner
00:27:44there she'll make me
00:27:45a nice old plateful
00:27:46you know
00:27:47the old plateful
00:27:48a nice little chicken
00:27:48on there
00:27:49and some peas
00:27:50and carrots
00:27:51and two lovely scoops
00:27:52of rice
00:27:53rice
00:27:54rice me song
00:27:55bad girl
00:27:55bad girl
00:27:55in your bed
00:27:56now I
00:27:57my brother
00:28:00he he he he
00:28:01my brother very nearly
00:28:03got married
00:28:04but he got to the stage
00:28:06where you're supposed
00:28:07to say I do
00:28:08and for some reason
00:28:09instead of saying I do
00:28:10he goes
00:28:11wait a minute
00:28:13where's my sleeping bag
00:28:15where's my sleeping bag
00:28:15where's my sleeping bag
00:28:15where's my sleeping bag
00:28:15where's my sleeping bag
00:28:17where's my sleeping bag
00:28:18oh we've all thought it
00:28:19remember when
00:28:20remember when
00:28:23cups came out
00:28:24all the excitement
00:28:25the old days
00:28:26no such thing as cups
00:28:27you used to cup your hands
00:28:28someone would pour
00:28:28scalding hot water
00:28:29on them
00:28:30now that's
00:28:34and you've seen the new musical
00:28:37have you
00:28:37you've seen it
00:28:38have you seen it
00:28:39dog breeder
00:28:39than you
00:28:40my dog's got worms
00:28:43my dog's got diarrhoea
00:28:45one of me dachshunds
00:28:46is ill
00:28:47it's a wonderful
00:28:47wonderful
00:28:49and that is shiny
00:28:50and it does
00:28:51it does dazzle
00:28:52and it does excite
00:28:53as it moves around
00:28:54but as it slows down
00:28:56it takes a form
00:28:57doesn't it
00:28:57do you realise
00:28:58that that is a
00:28:58a blister pack
00:29:00isn't it
00:29:00from a
00:29:00oh yes
00:29:01it's a blister pack
00:29:02from a tablet
00:29:03treatment system
00:29:04you sit on my shoulders
00:29:06I play mouth organ
00:29:07how about it
00:29:07it's a blister
00:29:11you have three messages
00:29:14you wish to hear message
00:29:16or you wish to delete
00:29:17hear message
00:29:19hello John
00:29:20pick up the phone
00:29:21it's your mum here
00:29:21now this
00:29:22is a blister pack
00:29:25a little bit of fun
00:29:26if you're on tablets
00:29:28and it's not all fun
00:29:29being on tablets
00:29:29by any means
00:29:30you're on tablets
00:29:31most people are these days
00:29:33a little bit of fun
00:29:34take the
00:29:35blister pack
00:29:36just pop it up there
00:29:37like that
00:29:38what am I
00:29:40what am I
00:29:43well I'm an entry phone
00:29:45in a large block of flats
00:29:46press to enter
00:29:53press to enter
00:29:55the flats madam
00:29:56press to enter
00:29:59press to enter
00:30:01the flats
00:30:02come on madam
00:30:03press to enter
00:30:04the flats
00:30:04who's that
00:30:07calling at the flats
00:30:08who's that
00:30:10calling
00:30:10you say your name
00:30:12it's like a game
00:30:13Joe Marsh
00:30:19I don't know anyone
00:30:21by the name of
00:30:22Joe
00:30:22Marsh
00:30:24go away from the flats
00:30:27go away
00:30:30go away from the flats
00:30:32a little bit of fun
00:30:34you can have
00:30:34with a blister pack
00:30:35bowl
00:30:38bowl
00:30:40bowl
00:30:42bowl
00:30:43bowl
00:30:45bowl
00:30:47some of you
00:30:50some of you may be wondering
00:30:52what this
00:30:53blue item down here is
00:30:55well yes
00:30:56it is a blue item
00:30:57it's not a
00:30:58it's not a ghost
00:30:58it's not a big blue ghost
00:31:00go away from the flats
00:31:04go away from the flats
00:31:04oh Mr. Dutch Elm
00:31:09three so many die
00:31:10it's not a
00:31:13it's not people of
00:31:15Great Britain
00:31:16it's not a piece of sky
00:31:17that's fallen down
00:31:18oh no
00:31:19I've seen it
00:31:20you've got a piece of sky
00:31:21it's falling down
00:31:22and you've got
00:31:23a talking cat
00:31:25it's not a piece of sky
00:31:27it's not a rather relaxed wave
00:31:30look
00:31:30that we've managed to
00:31:32get in
00:31:34it's actually
00:31:35let me put you out of that particular
00:31:38look I'm nowhere near the barn
00:31:39leave me alone
00:31:40the whole thing goes on
00:31:41you can
00:31:43you can imagine
00:31:45now that's
00:31:46that is
00:31:48it's a gymnastics mat
00:31:51yes it's a gymnastics mat
00:31:54because
00:31:55when I was nine years old
00:31:56oh yeah
00:31:57I
00:31:58entered the
00:31:59BAGA award
00:32:01system
00:32:02one of me poodles
00:32:05has got a wart
00:32:06on its noodle
00:32:07it's a wonderful
00:32:08wonderful music
00:32:09cool
00:32:10I
00:32:11entered
00:32:13the BAGA award
00:32:15system
00:32:15and
00:32:17I don't know if anyone here
00:32:18entered the
00:32:18BAGA award
00:32:19system
00:32:20anyone here
00:32:20you entered
00:32:20madam there
00:32:22you entered
00:32:22the BAGA
00:32:24may I ask
00:32:24the British Amateur
00:32:25Gymnastics
00:32:26Association
00:32:27just for your own
00:32:28jottings
00:32:30your level
00:32:31madam
00:32:31that you attained
00:32:32in the
00:32:32coveted
00:32:33level one
00:32:35and
00:32:35oh yeah
00:32:36there's only four
00:32:36three two
00:32:37in the top one
00:32:38one
00:32:38and madam
00:32:39do you have your
00:32:40certificates with you
00:32:41tonight
00:32:41you have those
00:32:42no
00:32:44so this
00:32:45merely
00:32:46could merely have been
00:32:48an attempt
00:32:49for a little bit of
00:32:50extra attention
00:32:50well
00:32:53we'll never know
00:32:56I entered
00:32:57I entered
00:32:59the BAGA award
00:33:00level four
00:33:01which
00:33:01madam
00:33:02and back me up
00:33:03on this
00:33:03back me up
00:33:04consists
00:33:05of
00:33:06the
00:33:06headstand
00:33:08simple enough
00:33:08but rewarding
00:33:09in its own
00:33:10way
00:33:10there's a sudden
00:33:12rush of blood
00:33:12to the head
00:33:13the cartwheel
00:33:14the Arab Spring
00:33:16which in my view
00:33:17is just a fancy
00:33:18cartwheel
00:33:18anyway
00:33:19oh yeah
00:33:20I've said it
00:33:21yes
00:33:22oh yeah
00:33:25I don't shy away
00:33:25from controversy
00:33:26the Arab Spring
00:33:29in my book
00:33:29is a fancy
00:33:30elaborate cartwheel
00:33:31just as
00:33:32the Penguin Biscuit
00:33:32is an elaborate
00:33:33fancy
00:33:34bourbon
00:33:35and
00:33:39oh yes
00:33:40they're a thaw
00:33:41for the poor
00:33:42anemic
00:33:42albino
00:33:43cousin
00:33:43of the bourbon
00:33:44the
00:33:44custard cream
00:33:45poor
00:33:46have pity on me
00:33:50madam
00:33:50look I've only got
00:33:50one leg
00:33:51turn away madam
00:33:53turn away
00:33:53and down
00:33:55show you
00:33:56show you how
00:33:58it's done later
00:33:59now
00:33:59the
00:34:00I did
00:34:02you have two
00:34:03messages
00:34:03you wish to hear
00:34:04message
00:34:04or you wish to
00:34:05delete
00:34:06here
00:34:07come on John
00:34:08I know you're there
00:34:08pick up the phone
00:34:09she's very persistent
00:34:10your mum isn't she
00:34:11I did the
00:34:13the headstand
00:34:16I did the cartwheel
00:34:17I did the fancy
00:34:18elaborate cartwheel
00:34:20the Arab Spring
00:34:21I came to the
00:34:22forward roll
00:34:23and inexplicably
00:34:25toppled backwards
00:34:25a fundamental error
00:34:27oh there's only a
00:34:30couple of things
00:34:31you can do wrong
00:34:31with a forward
00:34:32roll
00:34:33you can omit
00:34:36the roll
00:34:37get the idea
00:34:41you can omit
00:34:43the roll
00:34:44but move forward
00:34:44anyway
00:34:45no marks there
00:34:48you can include
00:34:50the roll
00:34:51and get the
00:34:52direction wrong
00:34:53I toppled
00:34:56backwards
00:34:56thinking quickly
00:34:57I turned it
00:34:57into a backward
00:34:58roll
00:34:58to straddle
00:35:00which anyone
00:35:03will tell you
00:35:04is in level 3
00:35:04of the BAGA
00:35:05award system
00:35:06and I was
00:35:07disqualified
00:35:08for being too
00:35:09cocky
00:35:09so
00:35:11to finish the
00:35:13show tonight
00:35:13I'm going to
00:35:14finish on that
00:35:15forward roll
00:35:15and madam
00:35:16if you wish
00:35:16to join me
00:35:17if those muscles
00:35:18are still
00:35:18developed
00:35:19come and
00:35:19join me
00:35:20in that
00:35:20in that
00:35:22lovely
00:35:22manoeuvre
00:35:23and
00:35:23yes
00:35:24and apparently
00:35:25you can tell
00:35:26a lot about
00:35:27someone's
00:35:27personality
00:35:28from what
00:35:29they're like
00:35:30now
00:35:35my little dog
00:35:37Buster
00:35:38go away
00:35:39from the
00:35:39flats
00:35:40go away
00:35:40go away
00:35:42from the
00:35:42flats
00:35:43my little dog
00:35:44Buster
00:35:44he
00:35:45yeah
00:35:45named after
00:35:46the Phil
00:35:46Collins
00:35:47character
00:35:47in the
00:35:48film
00:35:48yeah
00:35:49Buster
00:35:49B-U-S-T-E-R-B-U-S-T-E-R-B-U-S
00:35:54Buster is his name
00:35:55that's how
00:35:55we remember
00:35:56you've got to have a sister
00:35:59don't you
00:36:00B-U-S-T
00:36:01and
00:36:01he's got
00:36:03tragically
00:36:04he's got
00:36:04paralysed
00:36:05back in
00:36:06so we built him
00:36:06a little
00:36:07cart
00:36:07oh yeah
00:36:08so he's able to
00:36:09scoot around
00:36:10perfectly normally
00:36:12but what happened
00:36:13was
00:36:14that one night
00:36:15one night
00:36:16one night
00:36:17moving on
00:36:19moving on
00:36:20one night
00:36:21in love
00:36:22in love
00:36:23in love
00:36:23in love
00:36:23one night
00:36:27he came
00:36:28scooting
00:36:29out of the
00:36:29flat
00:36:30after a
00:36:30cat
00:36:31right
00:36:31the cat
00:36:32disappeared
00:36:32round the
00:36:33corner
00:36:33stopped dead
00:36:34Buster
00:36:34comes flying
00:36:34round the
00:36:35corner
00:36:35swerves
00:36:36to miss
00:36:36the cat
00:36:37wings
00:36:37the cat
00:36:38hits
00:36:38some
00:36:38black
00:36:38ice
00:36:38rolls
00:36:39the
00:36:39car
00:36:39oh yeah
00:36:42I ran
00:36:43out there
00:36:43of course
00:36:44Buster
00:36:44who
00:36:45lying
00:36:45on his
00:36:46back
00:36:46back
00:36:47wheels
00:36:47spinning
00:36:48in the
00:36:48air
00:36:48and
00:36:50bless him
00:36:51the only
00:36:51thing
00:36:51he could
00:36:52say
00:36:52over
00:36:53and
00:36:53over
00:36:53again
00:36:54is the
00:36:55cat
00:36:55alright
00:36:56is the
00:37:00cat
00:37:00alright
00:37:00now
00:37:02technically
00:37:02it was
00:37:02the cat's
00:37:03fault
00:37:03Buster
00:37:05didn't want
00:37:06to make
00:37:06a claim
00:37:06I didn't
00:37:09bring it
00:37:09up
00:37:09he never
00:37:10mentioned
00:37:10it
00:37:11but I
00:37:11know
00:37:11for a
00:37:11fact
00:37:11he'd
00:37:12been
00:37:12drinking
00:37:13that
00:37:13night
00:37:13what I
00:37:17do
00:37:17for you
00:37:17now
00:37:17well
00:37:18obviously
00:37:18what I'd
00:37:18like to
00:37:19do
00:37:19is
00:37:19get
00:37:19Adam
00:37:20Faith
00:37:20on
00:37:20dressed
00:37:21as
00:37:21a
00:37:21budgie
00:37:21going
00:37:21moll
00:37:26moll
00:37:28moll
00:37:30foll
00:37:32boll
00:37:34poll
00:37:36poll
00:37:36so
00:37:42I like
00:37:44gardening
00:37:45so the
00:37:45ideal
00:37:45woman
00:37:46for me
00:37:46really
00:37:47shares
00:37:47my interest
00:37:48in
00:37:48gardening
00:37:48sure
00:37:49but also
00:37:49as a
00:37:49foot
00:37:50in the
00:37:50shape
00:37:50of a
00:37:50trowel
00:37:51go on
00:37:51dig
00:37:54dig baby
00:37:55dig
00:37:55and you've
00:37:56probably heard
00:37:57about that
00:37:57there's been
00:37:59another one
00:37:59have you heard
00:37:59about it
00:38:00oh there's been
00:38:00another one
00:38:01oh yeah
00:38:02there's been
00:38:02another one
00:38:02the fire in
00:38:04EastEnders
00:38:04there's been
00:38:05another one
00:38:05have you heard
00:38:06about it
00:38:06oh yeah
00:38:06what happened
00:38:07was that
00:38:07well
00:38:08Barbara Windsor
00:38:09she's got
00:38:09very dry hair
00:38:10very poor
00:38:11condition
00:38:11you're right
00:38:14to these
00:38:14stars
00:38:15suggesting
00:38:15different
00:38:16cosmetics
00:38:17and
00:38:17conditioners
00:38:17half the
00:38:18time
00:38:18they never
00:38:18reply
00:38:19she's got
00:38:20very dry
00:38:22hair
00:38:23under the
00:38:23hot studio
00:38:24light
00:38:24caught fire
00:38:25she's standing
00:38:27next to
00:38:27Pat Butcher
00:38:28very straw
00:38:29like
00:38:29in my view
00:38:29very poor
00:38:31condition
00:38:31I wrote to
00:38:32Pat Butcher
00:38:32about a month
00:38:33ago
00:38:33stop
00:38:33using
00:38:34Fozine
00:38:34I beg of
00:38:35you
00:38:35hers went
00:38:37up
00:38:37she's standing
00:38:37next to
00:38:38Gillian
00:38:38Tailfort
00:38:39very dry
00:38:40hair
00:38:40almost like
00:38:40kindling
00:38:41hers were
00:38:42it was only
00:38:44the natural
00:38:44barrier
00:38:44formed by
00:38:45the Mitchell
00:38:45brothers
00:38:45that
00:38:46prevented it
00:38:52from spreading
00:38:53to that bloke
00:38:53with the black
00:38:54curly hair
00:38:54who works
00:38:55in the
00:38:55greengrosses
00:38:56whose name
00:38:57is
00:38:58come on
00:39:00black curly
00:39:00hair
00:39:00works in the
00:39:00greengrosses
00:39:01you must
00:39:01know this
00:39:01one
00:39:02Nigel
00:39:04isn't it
00:39:04Nigel
00:39:04yeah
00:39:05hmm
00:39:07well
00:39:09it may
00:39:10be a
00:39:11video
00:39:11shot
00:39:11now
00:39:11but it
00:39:15used to
00:39:15be
00:39:15a
00:39:15greengrosses
00:39:16it
00:39:18will always
00:39:18be
00:39:19a
00:39:19greengrosses
00:39:19to me
00:39:20short blonde
00:39:23hair
00:39:24husband
00:39:24recently
00:39:24shot
00:39:25Cindy
00:39:25not so
00:39:26clever
00:39:26now
00:39:27go away
00:39:33from the
00:39:33flats
00:39:34go away
00:39:35go away
00:39:36from the
00:39:36flats
00:39:36the budgie
00:39:37fits perfectly
00:39:38into the
00:39:38cardboard tube
00:39:39from a
00:39:39toilet roll
00:39:40oh
00:39:42cut two
00:39:43holes for the
00:39:43eyes
00:39:43he's coming
00:39:44with you
00:39:44let him
00:39:47enjoy the
00:39:48journey
00:39:48you have
00:39:49one message
00:39:50sir
00:39:50you wish to
00:39:50hear
00:39:51or you wish
00:39:51to delete
00:39:52here
00:39:53usually
00:39:54we don't
00:39:54want to
00:39:55delete
00:39:55now
00:39:58ok let's
00:40:02get on
00:40:02with the
00:40:03levitation
00:40:04the power
00:40:04of levitation
00:40:05which I'm
00:40:05about to
00:40:06demonstrate
00:40:06for you
00:40:06now
00:40:07I'm
00:40:07going to
00:40:07take a
00:40:07simple
00:40:07glass
00:40:08of
00:40:08chopped
00:40:08juice
00:40:09and attempt
00:40:11to levitate
00:40:12by my
00:40:13power
00:40:13alone
00:40:14a
00:40:14simple
00:40:14glass
00:40:16of
00:40:16chopped
00:40:16juice
00:40:16there
00:40:17by staring
00:40:17at that
00:40:18glass
00:40:18now
00:40:18I'm
00:40:18going
00:40:19to
00:40:19attempt
00:40:19to
00:40:19it
00:40:21doesn't
00:40:21always
00:40:21work
00:40:21but
00:40:21when it
00:40:21does
00:40:22it's
00:40:22pretty
00:40:23spectacular
00:40:23to be
00:40:24honest
00:40:24yeah
00:40:24it wobbles
00:40:32certainly
00:40:32up it
00:40:33goes
00:40:33and
00:40:35back
00:40:35down
00:40:35as I
00:40:36say
00:40:36pretty
00:40:37spectacular
00:40:37baron and
00:40:44quirk
00:40:45little bit
00:40:45of extra
00:40:45money
00:40:45when we're
00:40:46out of
00:40:46work
00:40:46that
00:40:46could have
00:40:47been
00:40:47there
00:40:47could have
00:40:50been
00:40:50this
00:40:50so
00:40:50don't
00:40:52know
00:40:52but
00:40:52yes
00:40:53a whole
00:40:53new
00:40:53penny
00:40:54on
00:40:54every
00:40:54single
00:40:54one
00:40:55if you
00:40:56think
00:40:56about
00:40:57donuts
00:40:57they're
00:40:57just a
00:40:58way
00:40:58for
00:40:59jam
00:40:59to get
00:40:59about
00:41:00aren't
00:41:00they
00:41:00just
00:41:04carriers
00:41:05for
00:41:05jam
00:41:06aren't
00:41:06they
00:41:06Trojan
00:41:08buns
00:41:08they
00:41:11employ
00:41:13employment
00:41:14policy
00:41:14at
00:41:15B&Q
00:41:15you're
00:41:15probably
00:41:16familiar
00:41:16with it
00:41:16they tend
00:41:17to employ
00:41:17older
00:41:17people
00:41:18at
00:41:18B&Q
00:41:19they say
00:41:19they're
00:41:19more loyal
00:41:20to the
00:41:20product
00:41:21at
00:41:22B&Q
00:41:22oh yeah
00:41:23people in
00:41:23the 50s
00:41:2360s
00:41:2470s
00:41:25great
00:41:25for
00:41:25B&Q
00:41:26the
00:41:27problem
00:41:27is
00:41:27of course
00:41:27you can
00:41:28never
00:41:28get
00:41:28a
00:41:28trolley
00:41:29in
00:41:29B&Q
00:41:29because
00:41:29the
00:41:30staff
00:41:30will
00:41:30hold
00:41:31you
00:41:31for
00:41:31support
00:41:35I was
00:41:41thinking to
00:41:43myself
00:41:43the other
00:41:43day
00:41:43which
00:41:44do I
00:41:44prefer
00:41:44tea
00:41:44or
00:41:44coffee
00:41:45let's
00:41:45make
00:41:46a
00:41:46list
00:41:46of
00:41:46the
00:41:46pros
00:41:46and
00:41:46cons
00:41:47of
00:41:47each
00:41:48tea
00:41:48on
00:41:48one
00:41:48hand
00:41:48coffee
00:41:49any
00:41:49other
00:41:49tea
00:41:50and
00:41:50coffee
00:41:51stele
00:41:52span
00:41:52steely
00:41:53dam
00:41:54fee
00:41:55which
00:41:57do I
00:41:57prefer
00:41:57let's
00:41:58make
00:41:58a
00:41:58list
00:41:58of
00:41:58the
00:41:58pros
00:41:58and
00:41:59cons
00:41:59the
00:41:59advantages
00:41:59and
00:42:00the
00:42:00disadvantages
00:42:01of
00:42:01each
00:42:02well
00:42:02they're both
00:42:02brown drinks
00:42:03aren't they
00:42:03oh yeah
00:42:04they're both
00:42:04brown
00:42:05nothing to
00:42:05choose from
00:42:05in the
00:42:06colour
00:42:07tea
00:42:08tends to
00:42:08make me want
00:42:08to go to
00:42:09the toilet
00:42:09bad boy
00:42:10dirty boy
00:42:10in your
00:42:11bed
00:42:11coffee
00:42:15tends to
00:42:16keep me awake
00:42:16all night
00:42:17tea
00:42:17comes in
00:42:18bag
00:42:18well
00:42:18coffee
00:42:19comes in
00:42:19bag
00:42:19sure
00:42:20coffee
00:42:20comes in
00:42:20bag
00:42:21but
00:42:21people
00:42:21tend to
00:42:21buy
00:42:22bags
00:42:23of
00:42:23coffee
00:42:23they tend
00:42:23to make
00:42:23instant
00:42:38instant
00:42:43coffee
00:42:43out of
00:42:47a pot
00:42:47I
00:42:47realised
00:42:48many
00:42:48differences
00:42:48between
00:42:51tea
00:42:52on the
00:42:52one
00:42:52hand
00:42:52coffee
00:42:53on
00:42:53the
00:42:53other
00:42:53and really, it's up to you and what you particularly prefer at any particular time.
00:42:58Of course, by then, the waitress had moved on.
00:43:04Cadbury's cream egg, mystic egg.
00:43:09There's just four of them for you.
00:43:12Now, jam, in a way, is like a union, isn't it, that fruit can join up to?
00:43:20Oh, yeah, this is one.
00:43:23It's just one way of looking at a jam, raspberry and strawberry,
00:43:26they're the main block voters in this union,
00:43:30and they've got all the power, the raspberry and the strawberry,
00:43:32the damson, it's in the union, but it doesn't have the same sort of power, does it?
00:43:36You don't know, it probably has to ballot individual members.
00:43:41I imagine, of course, the apple left the union, didn't it?
00:43:44Left the jam union, did very nicely, got a pie, got a crumble, got a sauce.
00:43:48The pear, on the other hand, didn't fare so well, no?
00:43:54The pear, oh, left the union, didn't get a pie, didn't get a crumble, didn't get a sauce.
00:44:00Very rarely included in a trifle.
00:44:04Oh, no, the only thing you'll see, the pear on the side of...
00:44:07soap.
00:44:08Bit of an odd one.
00:44:08I don't make the rules up, do I?
00:44:17So, yum, yum, yum, yum.
00:44:19I don't know.
00:44:19My dad, he had a, he had great big fat fingers.
00:44:22Oh, yeah, fat fingers.
00:44:23He was a greengrocer for a while, not unlike Nigel.
00:44:26And, uh...
00:44:27Great big fat fingers.
00:44:31He used to paint those orange.
00:44:33The ladies would think they were getting more carrots.
00:44:34Ooh, go on, then.
00:44:35Ooh, go on.
00:44:37Da-da, need that green.
00:44:40Cors, yes, madam, cors, yes.
00:44:43Have a nice big pumpkin for the weekend.
00:44:46Go on, take a nice bite of the pumpkin.
00:44:48Go on, then.
00:44:49He didn't last long in Tesco's.
00:44:58I'm rather pleased this week because I came into £150.
00:45:03Oh, yeah, well, an annuity matured, so...
00:45:05You're in the bank and it's difficult to make yourself, uh, through that, uh, glass screen.
00:45:12The way I've got round that, I've got a cardboard tube, which, uh, I've just popped that underneath the glass screen.
00:45:18Like that.
00:45:18Um, um, tens, please.
00:45:23You know, it's, uh...
00:45:24Or twenties are not fussy, really.
00:45:26You know.
00:45:29And a twix, please.
00:45:33No, a twix.
00:45:34Up the back, a twix.
00:45:36You decorate that up with your transfers, can't you?
00:45:37Make it look fancy.
00:45:38Hmm?
00:45:39You buy a, you buy a V-neck sweater, and there's a V of material missing, isn't there?
00:45:44Hmm?
00:45:45You know what they do with that?
00:45:46They give that to Ann Summers.
00:45:47She makes those fancy pants.
00:45:50Hmm?
00:45:52Fancy pants of a sexual nature.
00:45:55And a wading bird.
00:45:57Hmm?
00:45:58A wading bird fits perfectly into a gat bag, doesn't it?
00:46:01Hmm?
00:46:03Hmm?
00:46:03There's a drawstring, there.
00:46:04You put a drawstring.
00:46:05Hmm?
00:46:05Hmm?
00:46:06Hmm?
00:46:06Not too tightly.
00:46:07Hmm?
00:46:08Hmm?
00:46:08There's no need to cut any holes.
00:46:09He can see perfectly well, can't he?
00:46:12Mr. Wading Bird.
00:46:14Hmm?
00:46:14Hmm?
00:46:14Go away from the flats.
00:46:18Go away.
00:46:20Go away from the flats.
00:46:22Now, that old phrase,
00:46:24Too many cooks spoil the broth.
00:46:26The way my mum got round that,
00:46:27she had small laminated passes printed,
00:46:29allowing access only to certain areas of the house.
00:46:31What's your favourite berry, madam?
00:46:38Do you mind me asking?
00:46:39I think we've all got one.
00:46:41Hmm?
00:46:41The hawthorn, is it?
00:46:42Hmm?
00:46:42Tart yet tangy.
00:46:43Hmm?
00:46:45Or is it the rose soup, madam?
00:46:46Sweet yet sour.
00:46:47Hmm?
00:46:48Or is it, madam, the holly berry?
00:46:49Fatal yet festive.
00:46:55I mean, the bank the other day,
00:46:56and there's a baby standing in front of me.
00:46:58Couldn't be more than two or three months old.
00:47:00You know what babies are like.
00:47:01They tend to be young.
00:47:06And this baby turned to me and went,
00:47:08They speak facts as well.
00:47:14And I, with a slight accent, obviously,
00:47:16I translated this to mean,
00:47:18Can I borrow your cardboard tube?
00:47:19Well, of course, I was happy to oblige.
00:47:23The baby took the cardboard tube,
00:47:24went up to the glass screen.
00:47:26Hmm?
00:47:28Produced a gun.
00:47:31Put all the money into the bib.
00:47:32And a twix.
00:47:39The baby took the money.
00:47:40Hmm?
00:47:40Hmm?
00:47:40Crawled out of the bank.
00:47:43Jumped on a labrador.
00:47:44Galloped off.
00:47:48Hmm?
00:47:49He's highly intelligent, that baby.
00:47:51He knows all he's got to do.
00:47:52Lie low for 18 months,
00:47:53Physical appearance,
00:47:54Change beyond recognition.
00:47:55Just a little bit.
00:48:12BOL
00:48:19That's a full set for you.
00:48:24My mum had a system for feeding us.
00:48:26And your mum was probably the same that my mum used.
00:48:28It was the scoop- chopsticks system. You're probably familiar with it.
00:48:31Up until the age of 5 we were allocated one scoot of mash, one chop.
00:48:37Pork or lamb, they're the main two.
00:48:40She gets a sausage, doesn't get a chop. I don't make the rules up.
00:48:45Mint gets a sauce, gets a jelly, gets toothpaste, left the union, it paid off.
00:48:53I don't make them up, go on, the other in the shape of a fork. Go on, baby, dig. Go on, dig.
00:48:59Dig there, dig.
00:49:02From the age of five to eight, we were allocated two scoops of mash, one chop, or the fish finger equivalent.
00:49:08One and a half of fish fingers and three quarters of a faggot, that's the way it goes.
00:49:14From the age of eight onwards, we were allocated two scoops of mash, two chops.
00:49:19Oh yeah, that was the top level, she wouldn't budge on that.
00:49:23Could be 16, it could be 60. The top level, two scoops, two chops.
00:49:29You imagine, you get to about 30, 31, you fancy a bit more mash.
00:49:34Is that, is that so dirty? Hmm?
00:49:38Is it such a dirty, dirty boy, bad boy in your bed? Hmm? To want a little more mash? Hmm?
00:49:44Hmm? So what we did, hmm, one night, hmm, one night, hmm, one night, hmm, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:49:52One night, we snuck into her kitchen. Well, I didn't. My brother, the roundhead, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he.
00:50:02And he substituted her mash scoop for one ever so slightly larger. Hmm?
00:50:07Oh, only ever so slightly. We got an engineer in with a lathe. Hmm?
00:50:13Hmm? He took a tiny slither of aluminium from the scoop. Hmm?
00:50:16That night, she's doling out mash unbeknownst to her from a slightly larger scoop.
00:50:20We're getting a tiny bit of extra mash. Hmm? A tiny bit, the smallest amount of mash that you can think of.
00:50:26Hmm? Think of it. Hmm?
00:50:33Smaller!
00:50:47Then out of that, we snuck.
00:50:50Hmm?
00:50:51Three years later, she's doling out mash from a scoop the size of a paddling paw.
00:51:10She's employing two small boys.
00:51:11They start work seven in the morning, peeling and mashing.
00:51:15Peel and mash.
00:51:16They're given laminated passes, allowing access to all areas unheard of.
00:51:21But to be honest with you, it was too much mash.
00:51:30Well, we're only getting two chops, remember?
00:51:33Hey, the chop-mash ratio was all wrong.
00:51:38So what we did, we snuck back into that kitchen, we took that giant scoop and we substituted it for one ever so slightly smaller.
00:51:45Not so she'd notice.
00:51:47That night, we're getting slightly less mash.
00:51:50Then out of that, we snuck.
00:51:52We substituted that scoop for one ever so slightly.
00:51:55Not so she'd notice.
00:51:55We kept all the scoops in the lock-up garage and we worked our way.
00:51:59All the way back down.
00:52:01But in fact, we were so sick of mash, we went a bit smaller.
00:52:06And a couple of weeks later, we're only human, we fancied a bit more mash, we went a bit larger.
00:52:19And then the memory of the mash sickness would come back.
00:52:27We go a bit smaller.
00:52:29We fancy a bit more, we go larger.
00:52:32We fancy a bit less, we go smaller.
00:52:34We go larger, we go smaller, we go larger, smaller, larger, smaller.
00:52:37I can't see the cards, you'll have to make them bigger.
00:52:40I can't see them.
00:52:44After you, I can't see them.
00:52:45I'll have to get myself a taller wife.
00:52:49We oscillated around.
00:52:52But in the end, you know, we settled on that original mash scoop.
00:52:59Well, mum knows best.
00:53:07And an ostrich, heavily sedated, fits perfectly into a wheelie bin.
00:53:17No need to cut any holes.
00:53:20He's asleep.
00:53:22I'm rather upset this week, to be honest, because I've had to make repairs in all my buildings.
00:53:28Oh, yeah.
00:53:31£100 for every house, £200 for every hotel, soon as I'm.
00:53:37Not quite so bad.
00:53:38I had a bank area in my favour, you know, I thought.
00:53:41Well, I put that towards buying King's Cross Station, but I was beaten to it by a small metal hat.
00:53:45So maybe there's something in here.
00:53:50The koi poo in a ditch with a tractor.
00:53:52It'll never happen.
00:53:54Zudo, they could call it.
00:53:57There's a woman.
00:53:58There's 14 generations of hamsters crying out for change.
00:54:03There's sausage fire.
00:54:07Wet detail, not work.
00:54:08There's a woman in France.
00:54:17She's 127 years old.
00:54:19She's the oldest woman currently alive.
00:54:22You say to me, what do you do when you get to that sort of age?
00:54:24Well, she's got a job at B&Q, so she's...
00:54:27She's sort of respected you.
00:54:30Now, madam, I asked you, do you like cats?
00:54:35You do like cats?
00:54:36Do you have a cat yourself?
00:54:37No.
00:54:38Get a cat, then.
00:54:38Is that too easy?
00:54:41For goodness sake.
00:54:45Is that too easy for you?
00:54:49Do you like cats, madam?
00:54:49No, not you, madam.
00:54:52You don't like cats, no.
00:54:53Would I be right in thinking...
00:54:54A lot of ladies do like cats, but not all of them by any means.
00:54:57Would I be right in thinking that your dislike of cats hides an irrational fear of cats?
00:55:03I thought so.
00:55:03An irrational fear is so irrational that the only reason you've come out tonight is that you've got your friend here with the small ears to sweep the area for cats.
00:55:17To gather all the cats up in a giant sleeping bag.
00:55:22Oh, so that's where it was.
00:55:27To tie a knot in the top of the sleeping bag.
00:55:29And when you get home tonight, you'll call him on your walkie-talkie and you'll bark your instructions.
00:55:34I, home, release cats.
00:55:39What I'm going to attempt to do now, madam, and don't look so frightened, it's included in the ticket price.
00:55:43I'm going to...
00:55:45attempt to desensitise you to this irrational fear.
00:55:50Yes, come.
00:55:51Join me now as I desensitise you to cats.
00:55:54Come on, madam.
00:55:55Up you come.
00:55:55A little bit of encouragement.
00:55:57For the ladies.
00:55:58Come on, madam.
00:55:58Up you come.
00:56:00That's it, madam.
00:56:01Up the stairs.
00:56:03Up you go.
00:56:05That's it, madam.
00:56:06One foot in front of the other.
00:56:09In the walking fashion that we've learned to adopt.
00:56:13And that singles us out from the animals.
00:56:17That's it, madam.
00:56:18Take your time for...
00:56:20All right, madam.
00:56:22And your name is...
00:56:23Helen, short for...
00:56:24All right, Helen.
00:56:28What I'm going to do...
00:56:28You're going to get along?
00:56:29What I'm going to do is...
00:56:31For your own safety, please, Helen.
00:56:37Please take your position on the blue mat for your own safety.
00:56:42That's it.
00:56:42Right, now, what I'm going to do, Helen, is attempt to desensitise you...
00:56:47To this little cat here.
00:56:52You met him earlier as Barbara Dixon.
00:56:57Not Barbara Dixon, of course.
00:57:01Clever disguise.
00:57:02It was, in fact, Stufa.
00:57:03Stufa is his...
00:57:05You find that funny, madam, do you?
00:57:07The name?
00:57:09Stufa.
00:57:09What's your name, madam?
00:57:14I've heard it before.
00:57:16Martha.
00:57:18What was it?
00:57:21Joe Marsh.
00:57:22That's right.
00:57:23Remember Joe Marsh, everyone?
00:57:24Well, have your name put on the posters next time, Joe Marsh.
00:57:32It's the Joe Marsh Show.
00:57:35Special guest, Harry Hill and Stufa.
00:57:39Joe Marsh.
00:57:45Joe Marsh.
00:57:48Oh, you can dish it out.
00:57:49You don't like to take it, do you?
00:57:50Hey.
00:57:51Hey.
00:57:53Hmm?
00:57:53Short black hair.
00:57:55Market store.
00:57:56Mark.
00:57:57Ha ha ha ha.
00:57:58Now.
00:58:00Sorry about that, Helen.
00:58:02What are we going to do, Helen?
00:58:04We're going to bring you ever closer to little Stufa here
00:58:06until we've overcome this stupid fear of yours.
00:58:10Okay, let's get right...
00:58:13Over four stages.
00:58:14Let's get on with stage one
00:58:15part of the cat desensitization process.
00:58:31You happy with that?
00:58:34Happy with that, you could be okay with that?
00:58:36Okay.
00:58:37Happy with the proximity of the cat.
00:58:39And back.
00:58:40And back.
00:58:45We now move on, with your permission,
00:58:48to the second stage of the cat desensitization process.
00:58:52We now move on to the third stage of the cat desensitization process.
00:58:55And back.
00:58:57We now move on to the, you're doing so well, you really are, let's move on to the third stage
00:59:18of the cat desensitization process.
00:59:24Comes a little...
00:59:25Comes a little closer.
00:59:30And comes a little closer.
00:59:32And comes a little closer.
00:59:34And comes a little closer.
00:59:35Raaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh
00:59:54Raaaaaahhhhhh
01:00:01Raaaahhh
01:00:04happy with that
01:00:14come on, come back
01:00:19come back, come on
01:00:21that's it, come on mate
01:00:22you're doing so well, you really are
01:00:25you're wonderful
01:00:27wonderful, we're nearly there
01:00:28we now move on
01:00:30that was perhaps
01:00:32a little more of a reaction than I normally get
01:00:34but that
01:00:34is by the bar, we now move on
01:00:38to, you really
01:00:40have a problem with cats, don't you
01:00:41let's see if we can overcome it
01:00:44together, we move on to the fourth
01:00:46stage of the cat
01:00:48desensitisation process
01:00:50and look, look, look
01:00:51he beckons
01:00:53come on, come on
01:01:00come on, come on
01:01:02you've got to do some of the work, leave the safety of the
01:01:04that, come
01:01:04that's it, come
01:01:06you've got to do, come on, come to him
01:01:08you've got to do some of the work
01:01:09don't rely on Stufer to do
01:01:11oh, it's not so bad, is it
01:01:13see, it's not so bad
01:01:14what a wonderful
01:01:14what a wonderful moment
01:01:16it's alright, it's alright
01:01:19it's not gonna hurt
01:01:21there, oh, oh
01:01:22it's not so bad, is it
01:01:24you're not so frightened of cats now
01:01:26he builds a little nest
01:01:29he likes you, he builds a little nest
01:01:30in the hair
01:01:32let's have a look at this for a minute, shall we
01:01:35here I am
01:01:36a strange man rubbing your head with a plastic cat
01:01:39ladies and gentlemen
01:01:42the power of suggestion
01:01:43you're cured
01:01:44go back to your seat
01:01:45you're cured
01:01:49and for taking part
01:01:53tonight
01:01:55copy of your Kit Kat look
01:01:57for taking part
01:01:58help yourself
01:01:58go on
01:01:59put it back
01:01:59you've learned nothing
01:02:00you've learned nothing
01:02:02hey
01:02:06and for those of you
01:02:08who are interested
01:02:09the part
01:02:09of Stufer tonight
01:02:11was played by
01:02:12Alex
01:02:13the pair
01:02:14a poor
01:02:19anemic albino cousin
01:02:20its shell
01:02:22too easily shed
01:02:23for it to be a pistachio
01:02:25the
01:02:25almond
01:02:28that's how I do it
01:02:29that's me out of the magic circle
01:02:33now
01:02:34before I
01:02:37before I leave you
01:02:40tonight
01:02:41I am able to demonstrate
01:02:42one last power
01:02:43the power of memory
01:02:45yes
01:02:46for I am able
01:02:47to remember every meal
01:02:50I've ever eaten
01:02:51since
01:02:521972
01:02:53I qualify that for you
01:02:55now
01:02:56so let's get
01:02:57right on
01:02:58with a
01:03:00a date please
01:03:01a year please
01:03:02from somebody
01:03:0268
01:03:0368
01:03:05traditionally before
01:03:0572
01:03:06don't be tempted
01:03:12by those cheap diaries
01:03:13sir
01:03:13it's a false economy
01:03:211972
01:03:25anyone
01:03:261977
01:03:281977
01:03:30jubilee
01:03:31cast your minds back
01:03:35and
01:03:35the month
01:03:36July
01:03:38and
01:03:40the date please
01:03:41the 15th
01:03:43of July
01:03:441977
01:03:4677
01:03:4777
01:03:47two scoops of mash
01:03:53two chops
01:03:54that's all from me
01:03:56thank you very much
01:03:58goodnight
01:03:59yeah
01:04:01thank you very much
01:04:03as you
01:04:04as you
01:04:05if I'm
01:04:06I'm
01:04:07I don't
01:04:07you
01:04:08I can't
01:04:09I'm
01:04:09yeah
01:04:10I'm
01:04:10I can't
01:04:10see you
01:04:11I can't
01:04:11sorry
01:04:12I can't
01:04:13but when I
01:04:15be
01:04:15I can't
01:04:16you
01:04:16but when I
01:04:16you
01:04:17I can't
01:04:18find you
01:04:19what you
01:04:20have to do
01:04:21I can't