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FunTranscript
00:00:00You're gonna go
00:00:30I really don't
00:00:39Wanna make love to your baby
00:00:44Wanna make love to your baby
00:01:00Wanna make love to your baby
00:01:07Yeah!
00:01:08Yeah!
00:01:12Wow!
00:01:15It's great when you find a mattress in the street
00:01:17But it's so difficult to get them home, isn't it?
00:01:20Good morning, starshine
00:01:23The world says hello
00:01:25Hello!
00:01:26You twinkle above us
00:01:28Hiya!
00:01:29We twinkle below
00:01:32Good morning, starshine
00:01:35You leave us alone
00:01:38My love and me as we sing
00:01:42A early morning singing song
00:01:44Everybody!
00:01:50Everybody, come on!
00:01:56Just me now!
00:01:57Doobie-abba-baba
00:01:59Doobie-abba-dabba
00:02:00Doobie-abba-dabba
00:02:01A early morning singing song
00:02:02Oh, I say
00:02:03Doobie-abba-dabba
00:02:04Doobie-abba-dabba
00:02:05Doobie-abba-dabba
00:02:06Doob!
00:02:08Doobie-abba-dabba
00:02:09Doobie-abba A
00:02:10Doobie-abba-dabba gim
00:02:12What are you talking about?
00:02:14She's like the
00:02:36Is it Nando's? Is it Nando's?
00:02:38Is it the Piri Piri chicken?
00:02:40Dirty. Sticky. Dirty.
00:02:42Don't worry.
00:02:44Shine bright like a diamond.
00:02:46Shine bright like a diamond.
00:02:48Shine bright like a diamond.
00:02:50And so it goes on.
00:02:52Goal and down and bow.
00:02:54Back me up.
00:02:56I arrived early in your lovely town
00:02:58and I donated a scanner
00:03:00to your local hospital. Thank you.
00:03:02Yes, I donated a scanner.
00:03:04Thank you so much.
00:03:06It's a feel good story as an agent.
00:03:08When I say scanner,
00:03:10it can also be used as a printer.
00:03:12Get on board the laughter train.
00:03:16I'm in the driving seat.
00:03:18He did a joke.
00:03:20I heard him.
00:03:22He sounds the same
00:03:24as he does on You've Been Framed, but he looks different.
00:03:26Oh, You've Been Framed.
00:03:30Da da da.
00:03:32Da da da.
00:03:34There's an old lady at a wedding.
00:03:36She's fallen over and we get to see her knickers.
00:03:38Da da da.
00:03:40It's a kid on a rope swing.
00:03:42He's fallen in the ditch.
00:03:44Da da da da.
00:03:46It's a kitten on the training board.
00:03:48He's fallen in the bin.
00:03:50Of course not.
00:03:52Of course not.
00:03:54Of course there's more to it than that.
00:03:56But...
00:03:58Money for old rope.
00:04:00Money for old rope, if I'm honest.
00:04:02That's our secret.
00:04:04Gold finger.
00:04:06So...
00:04:08Yeah, my mum phoned me.
00:04:10I said, where are you mum?
00:04:12She said, I'm in hospital with Morrissey.
00:04:14I said, Mum, I think you'll find that's MRSA.
00:04:18You get that standard in the hospitals these days.
00:04:22Mum was born with blue eyes.
00:04:24One's been red for about three months.
00:04:26The upside is she's able to watch the old 3D films without the glasses.
00:04:30She don't need the glasses.
00:04:32Get on board the laughter train.
00:04:34I'm in the driving seat.
00:04:35Like a G6.
00:04:36Like a G6.
00:04:37Like a G6.
00:04:38Like a G6.
00:04:39Like a G6.
00:04:40And I can remember as a child standing on a bridge.
00:04:42Throwing the stick over one side.
00:04:44Running round to the other.
00:04:45To see if it had derailed the train.
00:04:49Go.
00:04:50And down.
00:04:51And bow.
00:04:52So...
00:04:53Little question for you.
00:04:54God backwards.
00:04:55The word God backwards.
00:04:56Anyone.
00:04:57Anyone.
00:04:58Dog.
00:04:59He's got it straight away.
00:05:00They're a sharp bunch.
00:05:01They're a sharp bunch here tonight.
00:05:02Jesus backwards.
00:05:03The word Jesus.
00:05:04Backwards.
00:05:05Anyone.
00:05:06Sausage.
00:05:07Sausage.
00:05:08Sausage.
00:05:09Grrr.
00:05:10Grrr.
00:05:11Grrr.
00:05:12Huh?
00:05:13God backwards is dog.
00:05:14Jesus backwards is sausage.
00:05:16You're telling me that's a coincidence?
00:05:18It's a sign.
00:05:20It's a sign.
00:05:21Hey?
00:05:22God gave his most precious thing.
00:05:24Jesus, you try getting a sausage off a dog.
00:05:27Grrr.
00:05:28Grrr.
00:05:29You don't get that with Richard Dawkins, do you?
00:05:31Hey?
00:05:32Dawkins backwards.
00:05:33Anyone.
00:05:34Yeah?
00:05:35Not so easy now, is it?
00:05:37Hey?
00:05:38Snick one.
00:05:39Snick one.
00:05:40I'm yours, Dawkins.
00:05:42But isn't it...
00:05:44Back me up.
00:05:45Isn't it embarrassing when a pubic hair becomes inadvertently included in a thank you note?
00:05:50Thank you, Aunty.
00:05:51Sorry, Aunty.
00:05:52Thank you, Aunty.
00:05:53Sorry, Aunty.
00:05:54Thank you, Aunty.
00:05:55Sorry, Aunty.
00:05:56Thank you, Aunty.
00:05:57Sorry, Aunty.
00:05:58So, Tim Rice, Tim Curry, what is it about the name Tim that suggests...
00:06:11Indian food, but...
00:06:12Was it the wing platter, sir?
00:06:13Was it the wing platter?
00:06:14Was it the peary peary wing platter?
00:06:15Don't worry, I'll find it.
00:06:16But, er...
00:06:17And I bit into a fortune cookie the other day.
00:06:18Well, I thought it was a fortune cookie, but what it was, in fact, was a custard cream
00:06:32that Mum had just hidden a first-class stamp.
00:06:48Now...
00:06:51I whip my hair back and forth.
00:06:53I whip my hair back and forth.
00:06:55Well, used to.
00:06:56But...
00:06:57I do like the bouncy castles.
00:06:59Great fun, the bouncy castles.
00:07:01And I saw one the other day.
00:07:02I took my shoes off.
00:07:03And I added them to the pile outside.
00:07:05And I jumped on.
00:07:06Er...
00:07:07But it was a mosque.
00:07:08Er...
00:07:09Come on, guys.
00:07:13Join in.
00:07:14Come on.
00:07:15Come on.
00:07:16Join in.
00:07:17But...
00:07:18But they didn't want to join in.
00:07:19They didn't want to join in.
00:07:20Er...
00:07:21Hmm.
00:07:22Er...
00:07:23And who is that Alan bloke?
00:07:25Er...
00:07:26Alan!
00:07:27Who is that?
00:07:28Alan!
00:07:29Alan!
00:07:30Your dinner's ready!
00:07:31Er...
00:07:32Who is that Alan bloke that they are so keen to locate?
00:07:35Er...
00:07:36Of course, I don't mean anything by it.
00:07:37I don't want any trouble.
00:07:38Er...
00:07:39That's just a bit of fun.
00:07:40Er...
00:07:41That's the thing.
00:07:42You can make a joke about sausage.
00:07:43Sausage.
00:07:44Arr!
00:07:45Dog.
00:07:46Sausage.
00:07:47You're not going to get the Archbishop of Canterbury flying his light aircraft into your bungalow.
00:07:52Because...
00:07:53Because...
00:07:54He...
00:07:55He don't take it so serious, do he, the Archbishop?
00:07:56Hey!
00:07:57It's more of a hobby for him, innit?
00:07:58Hey!
00:07:59You're coming down to church this Sunday, Archbishop?
00:08:00No, I don't think I'll bother this way.
00:08:01Here's the church.
00:08:02Here's the steeple.
00:08:03Look inside.
00:08:04Yeah.
00:08:05Not as popular as they used to be, aren't they?
00:08:06They're all on the outside protesting.
00:08:10O-rah, o-rah, o-rah, o-rah, o-rah, o-rah!
00:08:28Brian May, Brian Cant.
00:08:29What is it about the name Brian that suggests,
00:08:32well an unwillingness to commit to a project.
00:08:35Go! Down! Bow! So, I bought an underwater camera, and that's why I was thrown out of the leisure centre.
00:08:48That's a very different story. Oh, my rabbit has been ill. Yes, my rabbit has been very ill.
00:08:55And the vet said we're going to have to do a brain transplant. Yes, very far-fetched, I know.
00:08:59But bear with it for this part of the concert.
00:09:02They're going to have to do a brain transplant. He said we can only find the brain of a hare.
00:09:07There's no rabbit brain to match. Very far-fetched, but bear with it for this part of the concert.
00:09:13I don't know why you're laughing, mate. I've seen you walking up and down with your takeaway coffee cup.
00:09:18Oh, yeah, I saw you with your takeaway coffee cup up and down the high street.
00:09:24Look at me, trying to attract a mate. I saw you, so don't deny it.
00:09:29He said we'll have to do the brain transplant. We can't find the brain of a rabbit to match.
00:09:37Very far-fetched, but bear with it for this part of the concert.
00:09:39Instead of that, we'll have to put the brain of a hare in.
00:09:41So, the operation went ahead. It has been successful.
00:09:44Although, having said that, I have noticed since the operation that a lot of his schemes...
00:09:49A lot of his schemes have become, well, increasingly ill-conceived.
00:10:05Did you want a nice lolly, darling? You're looking very...
00:10:11You've got your tongue out there. I notice you've got your tongue...
00:10:14Like that. Did you want a...
00:10:16It's very distracting for the band, isn't it, with the tongue...
00:10:19You're trying to cool yourself down by increasing your surface area to volume ratio.
00:10:24Clever girl! Clever girl!
00:10:27Dog sausage! Dog sausage!
00:10:29Snick wad!
00:10:30How about a nice strawberry lolly? How about a nice...
00:10:33Just a standard Morrison's strawberry lolly? There's a nice one.
00:10:37Look, there's a nice strawberry lolly for you.
00:10:39There we are. Look, there it is.
00:10:42There we are, right? OK.
00:10:44It's a brush!
00:10:49Priceless, you see her face, guys.
00:10:56Absolutely priceless, it really is.
00:10:59William Wordsworth, Will Self.
00:11:00What is it about the name William that makes you?
00:11:02Want to go and have a word with yourself?
00:11:04But...
00:11:06Back me up.
00:11:07So, uh...
00:11:08You've heard about global warming?
00:11:09Guys, you heard about...
00:11:10I've seen you with your coffee cup, walking up and down.
00:11:13I've seen it, mate. Don't deny it.
00:11:15I saw it with me own eyes. I checked it on the CCTV footage.
00:11:19Loser!
00:11:21Double loser!
00:11:23I bet your mum works in Debenhams.
00:11:27Debenhams!
00:11:29Debenhams!
00:11:31D-E-B-E-N-H-A-M-S!
00:11:37Debenhams!
00:11:38Debenhams!
00:11:40Debenhams!
00:11:41Debenhams!
00:11:42Debenhams!
00:11:43Debenhams!
00:11:44Debenhams!
00:11:45Debenhams!
00:11:46Debenhams!
00:11:47But you know that a global warming, as you know, is caused by the tiny red light, the
00:11:52standby light on the TV.
00:11:54Yeah, it's only small that light, but it does get hot.
00:11:59What I like to do sometimes, I like to get a little piece of mints on a pin and just sizzle
00:12:07it up in front of the standby light.
00:12:09You can try it when you get home, it's great fun.
00:12:12Sizzle, sizzle.
00:12:13Sizzle, sizzle.
00:12:14And I know some of you are thinking, wait a minute, Harry, how you serving it?
00:12:18How you serving that, boyfriend?
00:12:20How you serving it?
00:12:22Well, I'm serving it on the white disc of paper that you get out of a hole punch.
00:12:27Oh, no!
00:12:28I thought it through, I thought it through.
00:12:32You've got it there.
00:12:34And perhaps a mouse has gained access to the kitchen.
00:12:37You say, come on, would you like a little piece of mints served on the white disc of
00:12:40paper from a hole punch?
00:12:41And the mouse goes, no, I can't, I can't, I can't eat, I can only do one ear at a time,
00:12:46obviously.
00:12:47I can't eat, I can't eat cooked mints, I can't eat cooked mints.
00:12:51Oh, well, why did you come to the mouse barbecue in the first place?
00:12:54I don't know, I thought there'd be other stuff.
00:12:56Well, there isn't.
00:12:57It's just cooked mints today.
00:12:58And if you don't want it, no one's going to have it.
00:13:01And you scrape it into the bin.
00:13:02That's just to make a point.
00:13:04And he feels guilty.
00:13:05He jumps up into the bin to try and eat the piece of cooked mints.
00:13:08But in his haste, it becomes lodged in his windpipe.
00:13:11His eyes are bulging.
00:13:15You try to squeeze him to dislodge the piece of mints, but it doesn't work.
00:13:19He collapses back onto a blue and white checked napkin that you've conveniently placed on the floor of the kitchen.
00:13:26His tongue's gone blue.
00:13:28He's thrashing about on the floor.
00:13:30And then with one last twitch, he collapses back onto the napkin.
00:13:34Dead.
00:13:35Another tragic victim of global warming.
00:13:44I didn't realise what a piece of cooked mints is exactly the same diameter as a mouse's windpipe.
00:13:49For every species there is a particular type of food that is the same diameter as the windpipe that they must avoid.
00:13:55For the dolphin, anyone?
00:13:57The same diameter as a dolphin's blowhole?
00:13:59Anyone?
00:14:00It's a tricky one.
00:14:01The what?
00:14:02The what?
00:14:03Piece of chocolate.
00:14:04Piece of chocolate.
00:14:05It's too general.
00:14:06Could be any size.
00:14:07Come on, think.
00:14:08Think leads.
00:14:09Think.
00:14:10Piece of chocolate.
00:14:12You're going to kick yourself when I tell you.
00:14:15Kiwi fruit!
00:14:16It's not the kiwi fruit.
00:14:17There's too much give in it.
00:14:22It's the avocado pip.
00:14:24Oh, I was going to say that.
00:14:28I was going to say avocado pip, but I said piece of chocolate.
00:14:34It's very tempting if you're on a sea-link ferry and we've all done it with a girl.
00:14:38You're trying to impress her and you've spent some money.
00:14:40You've bought a perfectly ripe avocado to show off.
00:14:43You taste the difference like that.
00:14:45And you're noshing it down on the deck of the ceiling for it.
00:14:49Oh, it's delicious.
00:14:51Jenny, why don't you have some?
00:14:52Oh, no, Mr. Harry, you've spent quite enough on me today as it is.
00:14:56Yes, Jenny.
00:14:57And tomorrow I'm going to take you to British Home Stores for lunch.
00:15:02How old did you say you were again, Jenny?
00:15:04Ain't you too next birthday?
00:15:06Am I the first of your suitors to point out you look nothing like your photo on the website?
00:15:10Never mind that. Harry, I'm a wonderful cook and I love role play.
00:15:15Oh, well that changes things.
00:15:19Eat that. Go on.
00:15:20And she eats that down.
00:15:21It's very tempting in that situation.
00:15:22You've got the pip in your hand to throw it overboard like that.
00:15:25But don't, because there may well be a dolphin swimming behind the seeming ferry.
00:15:29Mmm.
00:15:34Boom!
00:15:35Into the blowhole.
00:15:41And it's very difficult to tell if a dolphin is asphyxiating.
00:15:46Because they're natural show-offs.
00:15:50Yeah, I can see it, mate. It's great. I love it.
00:15:52See you at Sea World.
00:15:55And they're already blue.
00:15:56They're already blue.
00:15:58LAUGHTER
00:15:59APPLAUSE
00:16:00if they participate.
00:16:01Ah, eh.
00:16:04Ah, eh, eh.
00:16:05Ah, eh.
00:16:06Ah, eh...
00:16:07Ah.
00:16:09Ah, eh, eh.
00:16:10Ah, eh!
00:16:11Ah, eh.
00:16:12The, the...
00:16:13Ah!
00:16:15Ah.
00:16:18Ah, eh.
00:16:20Ah, eh.
00:16:21Ah, eh.
00:16:22How about choc ice?
00:16:37How about a nice choc ice?
00:16:38Look, there's a nice plain chocolate choc ice for you.
00:16:40You see how the light catches it?
00:16:42Oh, put your tongue away.
00:16:43Pop your tongue away for a moment, darling.
00:16:44There we are.
00:16:45Look, a lovely choc ice.
00:16:46It's a brush!
00:16:48It's a toothbrush this time!
00:16:50Oh, priceless.
00:16:54It really is.
00:16:55But what is that?
00:16:57What is that?
00:16:58It begins with a B that the Scots like to blow down at New Year's Eve.
00:17:02It begins with a B.
00:17:03Oh, breathalyzer.
00:17:07Pop it and down and bow.
00:17:09I bit into a fortune cookie the other day.
00:17:11Well, I thought it was.
00:17:12In fact, it was a wagon wheel that mum had just hidden a tax disc.
00:17:20I'm not quite sure why I do that, but, um, Kate Bush, Kate Moss, what is it about the
00:17:31name Kate?
00:17:32It suggests, wow, vegetation of some description.
00:17:38Yes, there's Nan, she had to have her hand amputated, tragically, yes, she had to have
00:17:44her hand, amputated, as is the custom with Sharia law, um, yes, she was over, caught shoplifting
00:17:52in the Tehran branch of Woolworths, um, oh yes, they've still got it over there, it's
00:17:58a very backward country, she's, she's reaching for the pick and mix, quick, get her, Alan!
00:18:05And, I don't mean anything by it, and instead, I don't want any trouble, and instead, of a
00:18:13hook, which I believe is the fashion these days, chase me, chase me, chase me, come here,
00:18:20there's more, come here, there's more, it's the way I tell them, it's the way I tell them,
00:18:25instead of a hook, uh, which is the fashion, uh, it was her own design, there was a bit
00:18:30of black plastic sticking up, out of that a bit of metal that went up, along, across and
00:18:34down, and the beauty of that, she was then able to while away the rest of her days, redeeming
00:18:38pound coins from shopping trolleys, pound, a pound, oh look, cheap meat, where? A pound,
00:18:46there, anyone in from Tonga at all, anyone in from Tonga? Oh, there's no one in from Tonga
00:18:54again, guys, it's very disappointing, I've just come back from Tonga, um, and I've been
00:18:58learning the language, yes, I've been learning, I'm pretty much fluent in Tongan, well, I say
00:19:02that, obviously, only from the central island, as you know, Tonga is made up of 176 islands,
00:19:08only 55 inhabited, um, and I've been learning the main dialect from that central, uh, Tongan
00:19:13island, and what I thought I could do is, I could, uh, if you suggest a song, uh, if we
00:19:18know it in English, I can sing it to you in Tongan, uh, translated quickly, and, um, if you
00:19:23know the words in English, you'll hear them in Tongan, and in this way, you'll pick up a few
00:19:26words of Tongan tonight, if you come another night, uh, you'll pick up a few more, and before
00:19:31you know it, you, like me, will be fully fluent, uh, in Tongan, well, I say that, obviously,
00:19:36only from the central island, not those 55, uh, other inhabited islands around the outside,
00:19:41that would be, uh, would be, well, uh, ridiculous. Anyone like to suggest a song that we can sing,
00:19:48uh, for you, I could translate it into Tongan, anyone?
00:19:51What? The mayor's in, I see, the mayor of Leeds, uh, it's a nice local, uh, nice local
00:20:01song, uh, yes, country people, country ways, I suppose, um, roll out the barrel, roll out
00:20:11the barrel, uh, you did get the, the 70s, 80s, and 90s here, right? They did, they did happen,
00:20:20right? They did happen, right? The Bermuda Triangle of Pop. Um...
00:20:27Just a moment, though, Steve, I need a moment just to translate it, because it's actually
00:20:32quite, you know, I am fluent, but it takes a moment just to translate the words. I'm just
00:20:36thinking of, uh, Bartat in Tongan, um, because... It's a complicated language, it's not just about
00:20:44the words, uh, it's how you say the words are the same word, you know, in Tongan, it can
00:20:48mean seven or eight different things, depending on how you, uh, intone it. Um...
00:20:52Um...
00:20:55Yes, yes, I'm ready, Steve, if you'd like to, go for it.
00:20:59Here we go.
00:21:01Well, you got the idea with that. Let's, uh... Thank you. Thank you so much.
00:21:29Well, it's, uh... Well, it's a shame there's no-one from Tonga to verify that, but...
00:21:36So there she was. There she was, poor Nan. She's in one of those warden-controlled...
00:21:40You know, there's a, there's a room, she gets a room, but there's a warden, um, prison.
00:21:44And, um... Yeah, and they decided to take her teeth out. Yes!
00:21:49They'd already... Ellen! Uh, with that hand. And then they removed that hand as well.
00:21:53Ellen! Sausage! Uh, and instead of a hook on this hand, which is the fashion, I believe,
00:21:58she went for a, uh, USB memory stick. Uh...
00:22:03Said she could back up her files.
00:22:05Back up files. Back up files. Oh, look, cheap meat. Where? Back up files.
00:22:09But...
00:22:11They removed the teeth. They removed her incisors and canines first, which, as you know, are used for cutting and tearing the meat.
00:22:18They then removed the premolars and molars, which, as you know, are used for grinding up the meat and preparing it for its passage over the tongue, down the esophagus, into the stomach, where it's broken down by the acids and enzymes into its constituent parts and absorbed into the bloodstream.
00:22:33The hepatic portal vein takes it to the liver, where it is metabolised.
00:22:38It's then taken by the inferior vena cava to the right side of the heart, the right atrium, the right ventricle, and squeezed up the pulmonary artery to the lungs, where it becomes oxygenated.
00:22:49It's then returned to the left side of the heart, the left atrium, the mitral valve, the left ventricle, which squeezes up the aorta with its various tributaries.
00:22:57The carotid artery supplying the brain, the centre of higher sensory and motor function.
00:23:01The splenic artery supplying the spleen, which produces red and white blood cells of function in fighting infection.
00:23:07The renal artery, which supplies the kidney, which filters the blood, depositing urine in the bladder.
00:23:12The inferior and superior mesenteric arteries supplying the gut.
00:23:15In the meantime, the partly digested food continues on its passage from the stomach through the pyloric sphincter into the duodenum,
00:23:21the jejunum, the ilium, the small bowel, and where it meets the large intestine, the cecum, housing as it does,
00:23:27the appendix, vestigial in man, but of course in ruminants such as the cow responsible for the breakdown of cellulose.
00:23:33In the meantime, the partly digested food continues up the ascending colon, along the transverse colon, the descending colon, to the rectum,
00:23:40where finally it is expelled from the anus.
00:23:49So she had her teeth out.
00:23:55Yeah, five years of medical school and all I've got to show for it is a fart joke.
00:23:59That's all I've got.
00:24:01Five years wasted.
00:24:03Five years on a full grant.
00:24:05Yeah, 2.4k a year.
00:24:07Yeah, yeah.
00:24:08Yeah, back in the 80s.
00:24:092.4k a year for five years.
00:24:11That's 12 grand of your money.
00:24:13Wasted.
00:24:14Who's the idiot now?
00:24:17Hey.
00:24:20I don't keep up with technology.
00:24:22As a matter of fact, I've just got my holiday tapestries back from the Weaver.
00:24:26And like a G6, like a G6.
00:24:30I've seen you with your coffee cup, walking up and down.
00:24:33Look at me, strutting like a peacock because my baby's in town.
00:24:37All right.
00:24:38What's your name again, sir?
00:24:39Remind me.
00:24:40Steve.
00:24:41Steve!
00:24:42That's right, because you was wearing a T-shirt.
00:24:43Steve.
00:24:44S-T-E-V-E.
00:24:45Steve.
00:24:46I've seen it.
00:24:47I checked it on the CCTV footage.
00:24:48So don't deny it.
00:24:50All right.
00:24:51And I saw you throw that coffee cup away, Steve, didn't I?
00:24:53Oh, yeah.
00:24:54But there was a bit of coffee left in the bottom of that cup, wasn't there, Steve?
00:24:57Oh, yeah, there was.
00:24:58Did you think about what would happen to the little bit of coffee in your coffee cup
00:25:03when you threw that away, Steve?
00:25:04Did you think about it?
00:25:05Oh, no, Harry.
00:25:06I didn't even give it a second thought.
00:25:09Well, let me tell you what happened to that coffee, the consequences of your actions.
00:25:14When you threw that coffee cup away, the coffee drips out of the beaker top
00:25:18in the takeaway coffee cup into the bin liner.
00:25:21Now, those bin liners are not designed to take fluids, are they, Steve?
00:25:25No, they're not Harry, I suppose so.
00:25:28No, no, I've come to mention it.
00:25:30If some bloke gets his job to empty that bin liner, he comes along, he gets the bin liner.
00:25:34Oh, coffee all down his trousers.
00:25:37He goes down to his wife.
00:25:38How, uh, oh, was your day at work, pet?
00:25:41Um...
00:25:44That's right.
00:25:45I arrived early in your town and I listened.
00:25:48Uh...
00:25:51My simulator picked up the...
00:25:53Give him...
00:25:54Give him me a...
00:25:55Yeah, I've got coffee on my trousers.
00:25:56Uh...
00:25:57I've got coffee on trousers.
00:25:59I don't know what to do with them.
00:26:01Um...
00:26:04Give him me a...
00:26:05Give him me a...
00:26:06Give him me a sweetheart.
00:26:07She's got a deeper voice than him.
00:26:09Uh...
00:26:10It's like HRT.
00:26:12Um...
00:26:13Give him me a sweetheart.
00:26:14I'll put him in the washing machine.
00:26:16Uh...
00:26:17Uh...
00:26:18Oh, thanks, darling.
00:26:22She puts him in the washing machine.
00:26:24Okay?
00:26:25It's in the washing machine.
00:26:26She adds the detergent there.
00:26:27Of course, the bleach in the detergent is leaching out into the rivers and killing the fish.
00:26:32Oh, yeah.
00:26:33Yeah.
00:26:34Yeah.
00:26:35Pesty.
00:26:36You might as well be standing in an aquarium with a baseball bat.
00:26:37Boom.
00:26:38Boom.
00:26:39Boom.
00:26:40Boom.
00:26:41Boom.
00:26:42Boom.
00:26:43Cod.
00:26:44Haddock.
00:26:45Bream.
00:26:46Salmon.
00:26:47Trout.
00:26:48Pufferfish.
00:26:49Pufferfish.
00:26:50Pufferfish.
00:26:51Pufferfish.
00:26:52Why won't you die?
00:26:53Pufferfish.
00:26:54Pufferfish.
00:26:55Bang!
00:26:56I popped it.
00:26:57I popped it.
00:26:58Yeah.
00:26:59I got a fisherman to catch fish.
00:27:00It's got no fish to catch left.
00:27:02It gets home from work.
00:27:03His wife goes,
00:27:04Oh, how is it?
00:27:05They're at work, pet.
00:27:06Um...
00:27:07Uh...
00:27:08Uh...
00:27:09Oh, there's no...
00:27:10Not good.
00:27:11There's no fish.
00:27:12Uh...
00:27:13Uh...
00:27:14Yes, it's a tricky one, that one.
00:27:16Uh...
00:27:17There's no...
00:27:18There's no fish left in the...
00:27:20There's no fish left.
00:27:22Come on.
00:27:23There's no...
00:27:24Uh...
00:27:25What are we going to do for money, pet?
00:27:27I don't know.
00:27:28I don't...
00:27:29I don't know.
00:27:30I don't...
00:27:31I don't...
00:27:32I don't...
00:27:33I don't know.
00:27:34I don't know.
00:27:35I don't know.
00:27:36I don't know.
00:27:37I don't know.
00:27:38You...
00:27:39Who's going to...
00:27:40How are we going to pay the mortgage?
00:27:41You'll have to get a job.
00:27:42Uh...
00:27:43We'll have to get a job.
00:27:45Um...
00:27:46But I got no skills.
00:27:47You'll have to get a job in that pub on the ring road.
00:27:49Um...
00:27:50Who...
00:27:51Who's going to look after the wee man?
00:27:52I don't care.
00:27:53Just get doing that pub right now.
00:27:55Um...
00:27:56Yeah, sometimes when he was angry, his dad's accent would come through who was brought
00:28:01up.
00:28:02The outskirts of Glasgow and he moved down to the North East in the 70s.
00:28:07She's doing that pub.
00:28:08She gets a job in the pub.
00:28:10It's a rough pub, okay?
00:28:11She's mixing with rough types.
00:28:13She's drinking too much.
00:28:14Before you know it, she's out in the car park turning tricks for a fiver.
00:28:17Oh, yeah.
00:28:18Yeah.
00:28:19And then one night.
00:28:20One night.
00:28:21One night.
00:28:22Moving on up.
00:28:23Moving on up.
00:28:24Moving on up.
00:28:25Moving on...
00:28:26One night.
00:28:27Someone gives her some drugs.
00:28:28Oh, yeah.
00:28:29Before you know it, she's on her...
00:28:30She's off her face.
00:28:31Oh, meow, meow.
00:28:32Meow, meow.
00:28:33Meow, meow.
00:28:34Meow, meow.
00:28:35Meow, meow.
00:28:36Meow, meow.
00:28:37Meow, meow.
00:28:38Meow, meow, meow.
00:28:39She drops one of the meow, meow tablets on the floor.
00:28:43The little baby comes crawling along.
00:28:44Thinks it's a sweetie.
00:28:45That baby's on a ventilator tonight.
00:28:48They phoned me from the hospital.
00:28:50Shall we turn it off, Mr. Harry?
00:28:51What do I tell them, Steve?
00:28:55What do I tell them, Mr. Coffee Cup in the bin?
00:28:59Selfish.
00:29:00Broken Britain.
00:29:02Debener.
00:29:03I exactly meant you Takanjamya.
00:29:04give those drums.
00:29:05What teeth were all gone, though?
00:29:06I even clicked on the PayPal 1963 page.
00:29:08The snowflakes.
00:29:09I think it's just real life could know that it could be called a
00:29:18interesting house or a happy 12 in a space or two days or two days.
00:29:23I definitely contradict the fold.
00:29:24I am excited to say, all that you could add.
00:29:29I think that's great.
00:29:30So there she was, uh, there she was Nan. She was lying in the bed there and she lifted her head up and very tragically, she said to me, take me to Dignitas. Very sad, the suicide euthanasia hotel in Switzerland. Thanks for not laughing. It's not funny. Mind my grief.
00:29:51Um, and, uh, take me to Dignitas. Very sad. So I booked the flight. It's quite difficult to get travel insurance for that particular trip.
00:30:00Purpose of visit? Suicide. I lied and said pleasure. Um, and we got into the Dignitas Suicide Hotel and a multi-screen cinema. And you know what? It's not a bad hotel. It's got a bad reputation, but it's not a bad hotel.
00:30:14Um, you get a room there. You've got tea and coffee making facilities in the room. Oh yeah, there's a stainless steel teapot. When you open it, and you open the lid, it falls over. It's just how she likes it.
00:30:25Um, there's a Highland Shortcake biscuit, so loved by the Scots. A complimentary shower cap. And of course, a Corbyn trouser press. Not a bad room.
00:30:32But it was only when I was tucking her in that I realised what she actually was saying was, Disneyland.
00:30:38Disneyland. Take me to Disneyland. Uh, oh, never mind. Uh, oh, well, we're here now, Nan. Uh, shame to waste a trip, isn't it?
00:30:53And just then this bloke jumps out of the wardrobe with a pillow and starts to smother her.
00:31:01He's looking at me like, how am I doing? You happy with the service, sir?
00:31:04Uh, he's got a big black beard, a red tracksuit, Dignitas. 0800, how's my smothering?
00:31:12I said to him, she's changed her mind. He said, she can't. Well, I dragged him off. He starts chasing me around the room.
00:31:18I said, look, I'm just with her. He said, if you're in the room, technically you're a target.
00:31:23Well, I got the stainless steel teapot. I hit him over the head with that. Bop.
00:31:27I got the Highland Shortcake biscuit and crumbled it into his eyes.
00:31:30Hey! It stings! It stings!
00:31:34I got the little shower cap over his head, jammed him into the Corby trouser press, and turned it up to twenty.
00:31:39Well, he reared up, and he swore revenge.
00:31:43He said, if I digged up thy forefathers' graves, and hung their rotten coffins up in chains,
00:31:48it would not slake mine eye, nor ease my heart.
00:31:51For the sight of any of the House of Hill is as a fury to torment my soul.
00:31:55And, till I root out the recursive line, and leave not one alive, I live in hell!
00:32:03Well, I made my excuses and left, but it was...
00:32:06It was touch and go back there for a while. It really was.
00:32:09I was quite anxious, and...
00:32:11Oh, yes, I've got you. Thank you. I've got you. Thank you.
00:32:14Yes, well...
00:32:15That's, uh...
00:32:16That is a signal to me that it's very nearly interval time.
00:32:20We all like ice-creams, don't we?
00:32:25And in the second half, there will be some Shakespeare.
00:32:28We do need someone. We'll be doing some Shakespeare on the stage.
00:32:30We need someone intelligent-looking to do some Shakespeare.
00:32:35Perhaps we'll skip it tonight.
00:32:39Everyone's looking at their feet.
00:32:41Don't pick on me. Don't pick on me.
00:32:43Would you like to help out?
00:32:44Four Eyes, would you like to help out?
00:32:47That's it. Don't be shy.
00:32:48There's some words there.
00:32:50We'll be doing some Shakespeare,
00:32:51and we'll be looking...
00:32:53We'll look at you, all right?
00:32:54You'll know it's Shakespeare, because it'll sound interesting,
00:32:56but you won't really understand what we're saying.
00:32:58And we'll look at you, all right?
00:33:00And you'll stand up, and you'll do those lines.
00:33:02It's not till the second half.
00:33:03Chill it, OK?
00:33:04Shake it down.
00:33:05Relax.
00:33:06Cool it, OK?
00:33:07Because in the meantime, we're going to meet...
00:33:09Well, we were talking to him earlier
00:33:11about his selfish attitude with coffee cups,
00:33:13how he's responsible for the death of so many fish.
00:33:16Steve, would you come and join me now?
00:33:19As we meet Steve.
00:33:20Come on up, Steve.
00:33:21Come on up, Steve.
00:33:24I'm a weirdo.
00:33:27What the hell am I doing here?
00:33:30Come on, Steve.
00:33:31I don't belong here.
00:33:35No, I don't belong here.
00:33:38Hello, Steve.
00:33:39Nice to meet you.
00:33:40Oh, dirty, but thank you smelly much.
00:33:43Hands out of pockets.
00:33:44Dirty boy.
00:33:45What do you do for a living, Steve?
00:33:48It's a brush.
00:33:49It's a brush, Steve.
00:33:51It's like you people have never seen a brush before.
00:33:54You don't mind, Steve, if I...
00:33:55It's just been so long for me.
00:33:57It's been so long.
00:33:57Harry, your dinner's ready.
00:34:26Coming, Mum.
00:34:26Oh, where am I?
00:34:28Well, of course not.
00:34:29Well, hopefully that will have gathered enough DNA that the girl requested.
00:34:36Why didn't you ever visit him, the little boy?
00:34:40But, of course not, Steve.
00:34:43I'm messing with you.
00:34:44What, did you want to go on the bouncy castle, Steve?
00:34:47Did you want to?
00:34:48I noticed you were looking at it.
00:34:49Would you like a girl?
00:34:50Go on, why not?
00:34:51You're here now.
00:34:52Use the facilities.
00:34:53Yes, go ahead.
00:34:54Yes, go ahead.
00:34:55Shoes off, though.
00:34:56Shoes off first.
00:34:58Have some respect.
00:35:00Have some respect for Alan.
00:35:01Go on, get on the...
00:35:03Take the shoes off.
00:35:05Step your shoes off first.
00:35:06Yeah, step your shoes off first.
00:35:08Steve.
00:35:09That's it.
00:35:09Just look at it.
00:35:14That's it.
00:35:15Yes, go on.
00:35:15Off you go.
00:35:16That's it.
00:35:16You've got ten minutes.
00:35:26No, the first five are great fun, but then it starts to wear.
00:35:29It doesn't get a bit boring.
00:35:31But, no, Steve, so what do you do for a living, to remind me?
00:35:33Electrician.
00:35:34Electrician.
00:35:35Are you OK in domestic situations?
00:35:37Or pylons?
00:35:39Pylons.
00:35:39No.
00:35:41It's fine.
00:35:42But, um...
00:35:43No.
00:35:44And it's...
00:35:45And why is it that the shaving point only has two pins, Steve?
00:35:51Why is it that the shaving point only has two pins when all the other plugs,
00:35:59they get three pins?
00:36:00Why is that, Steve?
00:36:01Plus two.
00:36:02It's a plus two device.
00:36:03It's a plus two device.
00:36:05I knew there was a logical...
00:36:06I knew there was a logical explanation.
00:36:10But I've learned something tonight.
00:36:12Just wait there, Steve, because there's someone else I'd like you to meet.
00:36:14I was talking to her.
00:36:15She loves lollies.
00:36:16She had her tongue sticking out earlier.
00:36:17Where are you?
00:36:18Come on, darling.
00:36:19Come on up and say hello to Steve.
00:36:20I think you're going to like it.
00:36:24Isn't she wilder?
00:36:26Oh, that's it.
00:36:27Come on.
00:36:28That's it.
00:36:28Round of applause.
00:36:30There we are.
00:36:30It was great.
00:36:32Isn't she wilder?
00:36:34Yeah.
00:36:35There she is.
00:36:37Welcome.
00:36:38Welcome.
00:36:38And what's your name?
00:36:39What's your name?
00:36:40Sarah.
00:36:40Sarah?
00:36:41Short for?
00:36:42Sarah.
00:36:42OK.
00:36:43Sarah.
00:36:44Like what you see, Steve?
00:36:46Like what you see?
00:36:48No, of course not.
00:36:49Of course not.
00:36:50But he asked me to pick you.
00:36:51But, um, um, um, um, let go, let go, let go.
00:36:58Uh, hey, I just met you.
00:37:04This is crazy.
00:37:06Here's my number.
00:37:07So call me maybe.
00:37:09Hey, I just met you.
00:37:10Here's my number.
00:37:15So call me maybe.
00:37:16Your stare was holding.
00:37:18Ripped jeans, skin was showing.
00:37:19Hot night, wind was blowing.
00:37:21Where do you think you're going, baby?
00:37:23Hey, I just met you.
00:37:25This is crazy.
00:37:26Here's my number.
00:37:27Call me, baby.
00:37:28Call me, baby.
00:37:28Call me.
00:37:29Call me.
00:37:29Tell me.
00:37:29Welcome, Sarah.
00:37:31But, um, we...
00:37:33But tell me, Sarah, what do you, um, what do you do for a living, Sarah?
00:37:41Do you mind me asking?
00:37:42Flight attendant.
00:37:43Flight attendant.
00:37:44Chicken.
00:37:45B for chicken.
00:37:46B for chicken.
00:37:47Is it?
00:37:47Is that right?
00:37:48B for chicken.
00:37:48B for chicken.
00:37:50B for chicken.
00:37:52We haven't got any beef, we've got to have chicken.
00:37:54Oh, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken.
00:37:59Chicken, chicken.
00:38:00Eat your chicken.
00:38:01More chicken.
00:38:02Come on, eat your chicken.
00:38:02There's no beef there.
00:38:03Eat your chicken.
00:38:05It's great fun, British Airways.
00:38:08Chicken, chicken, chicken.
00:38:12How many, uh, pins on the, uh, plugs that you have on the airplanes?
00:38:16Is that three pins or two pins? Is it two pins?
00:38:20Because if it is, it's a class two device.
00:38:24But tell me, Sarah, does the bonnet match the rest of the car?
00:38:28He told me to say that.
00:38:32He told me to say that.
00:38:36You need to put me into trouble, Steve.
00:38:40No, we've all been in that situation, haven't we? When you bought a tin of paint and the colour on the lid,
00:38:44it's quite different when you get it home.
00:38:48You only get a bit on your brush that you realise.
00:38:52And you have to phone your mum for a lift home.
00:38:56Welcome, Sarah.
00:38:58Tell me, Sarah, do you believe in God?
00:39:02Do you believe in God, Sarah? Yeah.
00:39:06You do, okay. Sausage or Alan? Which one?
00:39:10Sausage. Sausage, sausage fancier, great.
00:39:13And what about you, Steve?
00:39:15Sausage. Both sausage fanciers.
00:39:17Wonderful to meet two sausage fanciers in the same night.
00:39:21I like you both, I'll be honest with you.
00:39:23I like Sarah, I like Steve.
00:39:25He's an actress.
00:39:27I like you both, but which is better?
00:39:31Well, there's only one way to find out.
00:39:35Oh!
00:39:37Go on, Sarah.
00:39:39Go on, Steve.
00:39:41Go on, Steve. Go on.
00:39:43Go on.
00:39:45Come on.
00:39:47Bye!
00:39:49Bye!
00:39:51Go on, Sarah.
00:39:53Come on.
00:39:55Come on!
00:40:05Pathetic. Go and sit down.
00:40:07There they are, ladies and gentlemen. How about that?
00:40:09Sarah.
00:40:13Naughty.
00:40:15We will have an interval now of approximately, what shall we say? A month?
00:40:21Um...
00:40:23It will be sausage time. See you after the break.
00:40:25Thank you for the break.
00:40:55Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Will you now please welcome our very special guest for this evening.
00:41:17He is the Tour de France and Olympic champion.
00:41:21He is, of course, another man, Sir Bradley Wiggins.
00:41:25Thank you!
00:41:45Hey, Hope!
00:41:47I'm all out of pain.
00:41:49This is how I feel.
00:41:51I'm cold and I'm ashamed.
00:41:53Lying naked on the floor.
00:41:55Illusion never changed.
00:41:57Into someone real.
00:41:59I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky's gone.
00:42:03Have you had accidents at work?
00:42:05I have.
00:42:06Here, a dead sore all down one side.
00:42:07Found Bradley Wiggins on the way on the...
00:42:09Saw.
00:42:11Of course, I love reading Bradley Wiggins.
00:42:13It was a clever disguise. How about that?
00:42:15Welcome back to part two.
00:42:17It's the Harry's!
00:42:27Yes!
00:42:28It's the Harry's.
00:42:29You don't get on with the caterers, guys, do you?
00:42:31They don't get on with them.
00:42:32No, they're arch enemies.
00:42:33Because they tease them about their snap head.
00:42:35Snap head!
00:42:36Ball eyes!
00:42:37Have a nice interval.
00:42:38Yeah, have a nice interval.
00:42:39My favourite bit.
00:42:41Did you get your ice lolly, Sarah?
00:42:43Did you get your ice lolly?
00:42:44No?
00:42:45How about a nice...
00:42:47How about a nice white chocolate magnum?
00:42:49Ooh!
00:42:50Yes, a nice white chocolate magnum.
00:42:52Look, it's still in the wrapper.
00:42:54It's still in the wrapper.
00:42:55Would you like me to get it out?
00:42:56Look, there we are.
00:42:57Oh, look at the lovely white chocolate.
00:42:59Put your tongue away.
00:43:00Put your tongue away.
00:43:01Put your tongue away.
00:43:02Look, it's a lovely white chocolate.
00:43:04It's a brush!
00:43:05It's a brush, you daft cow!
00:43:11No, of course not.
00:43:12I'm actually trying to make a serious point here,
00:43:14because a lot of brushes from that side
00:43:16do look like ice dollies.
00:43:18And if you're sharing a flat with an elderly relative,
00:43:21don't leave them by the freezer.
00:43:22No, because it's one of the commonest 999 calls from...
00:43:26from a nursing home.
00:43:28Yes.
00:43:29Brendan's got his mailbox stuck in his garb.
00:43:31He thought it was a mini-mule.
00:43:32Well...
00:43:34My sister overdosed on night nurse,
00:43:36and woke up a fully qualified nurse.
00:43:40But only at night!
00:43:41Only at night!
00:43:42Poor sis, she was born with one great big hand.
00:43:45One great big fleshy mitten of a hand like that.
00:43:48And one little tiny hand.
00:43:49One little tiny hand.
00:43:50It wasn't really a problem
00:43:52until it came to teaching her how to tell the time.
00:43:54Um...
00:43:55What's the time, sis?
00:44:00I don't know!
00:44:01Well, where's the big hand?
00:44:02I got it stuck in a bin!
00:44:04Where's the little hand?
00:44:07I got it stuck in a felted pen lid!
00:44:09A casual...
00:44:10A casual...
00:44:11A casual...
00:44:12Oh!
00:44:13I remember my dad sending me to the naughty step as a boy.
00:44:15Yeah, so-called because of the erotic carvings
00:44:17that he'd done on it.
00:44:18Oh, I understand.
00:44:22Nice little treat, but...
00:44:24My mum is the main breadwinner of the family,
00:44:27although she has found it increasingly difficult
00:44:29to find competitions where bread is the main prize.
00:44:33Get on board the laughing tree!
00:44:35I'm in the driving seat like a G6, like a G6.
00:44:38I saw a couple having sex in the bushes on the way here.
00:44:41Yes, I threw some water on them, and they flew off.
00:44:44But...
00:44:45Mmm!
00:44:46I was cheating!
00:44:49Uh...
00:44:50No, people say we don't like the parrots coming over,
00:44:52the brightly coloured foreign birds like the parrot
00:44:54and the cockatiel.
00:44:55Just because of global warming,
00:44:56we don't want to see the brightly coloured foreign birds
00:44:59like the parrot coming over.
00:45:01What we like is the dowdy British birds.
00:45:04Okay?
00:45:05Not you.
00:45:06Not anyone in particular.
00:45:07I wasn't.
00:45:08Alright?
00:45:09I'm not meaning anyone.
00:45:10Don't give me the evils.
00:45:11Don't give me evils here.
00:45:12Um...
00:45:13We don't like the brightly coloured foreign birds
00:45:15like the parrot.
00:45:16We like the dowdy British birds like the sparrow.
00:45:18Uh...
00:45:19But I say I don't mind.
00:45:21I don't mind the parrots coming over with global warming
00:45:23because at least with the parrots,
00:45:25they're bothering to learn the language.
00:45:27Um...
00:45:28Hmm?
00:45:31Hey?
00:45:32Hello, hello.
00:45:33Hello, hello.
00:45:34Hello, mate.
00:45:35Come on in.
00:45:36You're both welcome.
00:45:37Uh...
00:45:38You think how long the sparrows have lived here?
00:45:40Centuries.
00:45:41Achoo-choo-choo-choo-choo.
00:45:42Achoo-choo-choo-choo-choo.
00:45:43Achoo-choo-choo-choo.
00:45:44Sorry, mate.
00:45:45Can't understand you.
00:45:46Learn the language!
00:45:47Huh?
00:45:48They've been here for centuries.
00:45:49One word.
00:45:50Cor.
00:45:51Cor.
00:45:52Cor.
00:45:53Cor.
00:45:54Yeah, look at the prices.
00:45:55Uh...
00:45:56Jimmy Nail.
00:45:57Jimmy Carr.
00:45:58Jimmy Hill.
00:45:59What is it about the name Jimmy that suggests
00:46:01some sort of road traffic accident on an incline?
00:46:03Who is that woman, uh...
00:46:06The TV presenter that we love so on TV.
00:46:08The long black hair, uh...
00:46:10Who does the property programme, Steve.
00:46:11What's her name?
00:46:12Um...
00:46:13Amanda Lamb.
00:46:14Amanda Lamb.
00:46:16Everybody loves Amanda Lamb.
00:46:18She's for real.
00:46:20And not a sham.
00:46:22Everybody loves Amanda Lamb.
00:46:25Amanda who?
00:46:27Why, Amanda Lamb.
00:46:28Amanda Lamb.
00:46:29No, Amanda Lamb.
00:46:31If you're in a jam, then call Amanda Lamb.
00:46:34Eating kippers for your breakfast, or munching on a yam.
00:46:37By plane or train or tram, from Hong Kong to Vietnam.
00:46:40Everybody loves Amanda Lamb.
00:46:44Anybody loves Amanda Lamb.
00:46:47If anyone can do it, Mandy can.
00:46:50Amanda Lamb.
00:46:51Come on, it's a conga.
00:46:52Amanda Lamb.
00:46:53Everybody loves Amanda Lamb.
00:46:55Amanda Lamb.
00:46:56Come on, it's a conga.
00:46:57Amanda Lamb.
00:46:58Amanda Lamb.
00:46:59Amanda Lamb.
00:47:00Everybody loves Amanda Lamb.
00:47:02Amanda Lamb.
00:47:03Amanda Lamb.
00:47:04Amanda Lamb.
00:47:05Everybody loves Amanda Lamb.
00:47:08Get off me.
00:47:09Amanda Lamb.
00:47:10Amanda Lamb.
00:47:11Don't touch the channel.
00:47:12Everybody loves Amanda Lamb.
00:47:14Amanda Lamb.
00:47:16Amanda Lamb.
00:47:18Everybody loves Amanda Lamb.
00:47:23I am married!
00:47:29Oh, he touched me. His hands were all over me. Did you see him?
00:47:32I'm your number one fan, Harry. I'm your number one fan.
00:47:36And I thought, OK, good move you. I know it's your family time.
00:47:39Um, now...
00:47:42I can remember my dad blowing up balloons for my fifth birthday,
00:47:45me praying they wouldn't burst because of his terrible bad breath.
00:47:49Um, bang! Nandos, but...
00:47:53I don't know why you're...
00:47:55I don't know why you're laughing. I don't know why you're laughing,
00:47:58but I saw you put some of your own rubbish into your neighbour's wheelie bin.
00:48:02Oh, yeah. Yeah, I saw you. You thought you got away with it.
00:48:05And it wasn't just a toffee wrapper or a pizza lid. No.
00:48:08It was the packaging from a 33-inch HD-ready TV. Oh, yeah.
00:48:13Loads of cardboard and polystyrene. I saw you.
00:48:17Did you bother to get to know your neighbour? Do you know your neighbour?
00:48:19No, I never bothered, Harry. What's in it for me?
00:48:21Well, I'll tell you about your neighbour, shall I mush?
00:48:25Well, she's an elderly lady, riddled with arthritis.
00:48:27She's riddled with pain. Mrs Pickford's her name.
00:48:30And, er, we bought her a little portable TV.
00:48:32Just a little tiny one so she can watch her favourite show
00:48:34of embarrassing bodies on Channel 4.
00:48:36Which is for a moment she feels good about herself.
00:48:40She opens up all the packaging from the portable.
00:48:44I'd better go and put it in me wheelie bin.
00:48:46She goes up, riddled with pain. Ah!
00:48:49My arthritis. Ooh! Me shingles. Ah! Ooh! Ah!
00:48:53She looks up at her wheelie bin and there's the lid.
00:48:55Boing, oing, oing, oing, oing, oing.
00:48:57It's been open to the elements and the rain's got in
00:49:00and it's mushed up all the rotting food.
00:49:02And the stink from the rotting food has attracted rats.
00:49:05Oh, yeah. A king rat's jumped in. A mummy rat's jumped in.
00:49:09And they've been mating in the mush.
00:49:11And they laid their eggs. Oh, yeah.
00:49:15They laid their eggs in the rotting mush.
00:49:18And the heat from the fermenting mush has hatched out the eggs
00:49:21and all the baby rats are running around.
00:49:23Inside the wheelie bin she lifts her hand up to put her rubbish in.
00:49:27She pulls the wheelie bin on top of her.
00:49:29Oh, the rat's run out. Upper dress.
00:49:31Oh, under her blouse.
00:49:33Oh! Oh! Eee! Ah! Under her bra.
00:49:35The king rat bites her on the leg.
00:49:37Well, that bite's gone septic.
00:49:39Yes, they may have to amputate the leg.
00:49:41I'm expecting a phone call from the hospital any minute.
00:49:44PHONE RINGS
00:49:47Hello? It's for you.
00:49:50It's for you.
00:49:54It's for you.
00:49:56It's for you.
00:50:00Hello?
00:50:02There's no one on it, you derp brain.
00:50:06You saw me ring it.
00:50:10I'm just trying to make a point, you're a bad neighbour.
00:50:20You're a bad neighbour.
00:50:22He's selfish, you're a bad neighbour.
00:50:24It's broken written right there.
00:50:26OK, so look, we flew here.
00:50:28We flew here, didn't we, today?
00:50:30From London Airport.
00:50:31We flew here.
00:50:32And as I was coming through passport control,
00:50:34I didn't realise that those blank pages in your passport
00:50:37are not for doing drawings of the places you visited.
00:50:42He sent me off to a side room with a rubber.
00:50:44He says to me, you got any fluids with you, sir?
00:50:48You bringing any fluids through?
00:50:49Would you believe that my hand luggage today
00:50:51was a bucket of water?
00:50:56Well, I'd been down the well all morning
00:50:58and I'd winched up a nice bucket of water like that.
00:51:01Nom, nom, nom, nom.
00:51:02And he said, you can't bring that through.
00:51:05I said, why not?
00:51:06He said, well, it might explode.
00:51:07I said, what are you talking about?
00:51:09It's a bucket of water.
00:51:10He said, no, I don't make the rules up.
00:51:11Get rid of it.
00:51:12I thought, what?
00:51:13I don't want to waste a nice juicy bucket of water
00:51:16that I winched up from the well.
00:51:18I thought, I have to drink it.
00:51:19I have to drink it so I get the bucket.
00:51:21And I'm trying to drink.
00:51:22It's a big bucket, right?
00:51:23A big builder's bucket.
00:51:24Nom, nom, nom.
00:51:25I don't know if you've ever tried to drink
00:51:26a whole bucket of water.
00:51:28And I'm gagging on it.
00:51:30It's all spilling down me
00:51:32and all the other security guards are going,
00:51:34down in one, down in one.
00:51:36Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.
00:51:38Anyway, in the end, I managed to.
00:51:41I managed to drink it.
00:51:42Well, not all of it.
00:51:43Because you're allowed to take a hundred mils through.
00:51:48Not stupid.
00:51:49And as I get that last bit down,
00:51:52okay, suddenly there's a bang and a cry of,
00:51:55Alan!
00:51:56And this bloke's shoes exploded and caught fire.
00:52:01And he's running around like that.
00:52:08And the security guard goes to me,
00:52:09quick, get a bucket of water.
00:52:11Well, I gave him one of my long stares.
00:52:21Now, I know many of you are looking at me thinking,
00:52:22there's no way he can drink a whole bucket of water.
00:52:25Well, I'm going to demonstrate it tonight.
00:52:26Yes, I've got the bucket here and I'm going to demonstrate.
00:52:29Oh, whoops.
00:52:31It's full tonight.
00:52:35That's going to take some drinking.
00:52:38Yes, it's a big builder's bucket.
00:52:40Just pass that around.
00:52:41Have a look in there, sir.
00:52:42Have a look.
00:52:43Can you see that?
00:52:44Have a look.
00:52:45That's it.
00:52:50Why did you take it?
00:52:51Why did you take it from me?
00:52:52Yeah, I can see my face.
00:52:55I can see my face in it.
00:52:57Oh, I was raking the moon out of a similar bucket of water last night.
00:53:01Country people, country ways, of course.
00:53:03It is a big bucket of water there.
00:53:05And I know, obviously, with all the electrical equipment,
00:53:09we do have to be careful.
00:53:10So I'm just going to protect ourselves.
00:53:13I'm going to get the old paddling.
00:53:16The paddling.
00:53:17Just get a standard British paddling pool.
00:53:19There it is, you see.
00:53:21And I know many of you are looking at me thinking,
00:53:24it's going to ruin those suede shoes.
00:53:29No, because I don't want to spoil the suede shoes.
00:53:31We just slip those off like that.
00:53:33Just slip those off.
00:53:35What?
00:53:37Just gives me extra grip.
00:53:39Sorry mate, can I understand you? Fair enough.
00:53:48But the beauty of these socks is you can put the flip-flops on.
00:53:56You can wear the flip-flops.
00:53:58Yeah, that's nice.
00:54:00Just pop those on.
00:54:01Yeah, look at that.
00:54:04There we are.
00:54:05The flip-flops.
00:54:06Yeah.
00:54:07Write it down.
00:54:08Stick it on Dragon's Den.
00:54:09Yeah.
00:54:10Yeah, yeah.
00:54:11I'm the cat with the bass and drum.
00:54:13Going around.
00:54:14Boom, boom, boom.
00:54:15I'm moving.
00:54:16You're grooving.
00:54:17I like your style of whomping.
00:54:19And don't try what I did.
00:54:22Don't put flip-flops on a horse.
00:54:24Because the resultant sound is extremely confusing.
00:54:27Um...
00:54:28LAUGHTER
00:54:38FINDERS!
00:54:43FINDERS!
00:54:46I believe the horses were trying to
00:54:49get a message to us all those years.
00:54:50Yeah, not Findus, no, Findus.
00:54:53OK, let's have a go drinking a whole a bucket of water could I have some music please Steve
00:55:23Oh
00:57:53I couldn't manage it.
00:58:05I wasn't thirsty enough.
00:58:07I suppose I shouldn't have had that bucket earlier.
00:58:13I shouldn't have had that bucket earlier.
00:58:15When sky falls...
00:58:27I don't know.
00:58:28I don't know.
00:58:29I don't know.
00:58:31I don't know.
00:58:33I don't know.
00:58:33I don't know.
00:58:34God!
00:58:36God!
00:58:38God!
00:59:04God!
00:59:34God!
00:59:36God!
00:59:38God!
00:59:44Move a little bit closer, baby
00:59:46Get it on
00:59:48Get it on
00:59:50Cause tonight
00:59:52When two become one
00:59:54I needed some love
00:59:56But I never needed love before
00:59:58Get off me!
01:00:00Get off me!
01:00:02I will never pause again
01:00:04Never stand still
01:00:06Till I said death
01:00:08Has closed these eyes of mine
01:00:10A fortune given me
01:00:12Measure of revenge
01:00:14O Warwick, I do bend my knee with thine
01:00:16And in this bow do chain
01:00:18My soul to thine and bear my knee
01:00:20Rise from the earth's cold face
01:00:22As for my hands, mine eyes, my heart to thee
01:00:24Thou set her up and pluck her down of kings
01:00:26Brother, give me thy hand
01:00:28And gentle Warwick
01:00:30And gentle Warwick
01:00:32Let me embrace thee
01:00:34In my weary arms
01:00:36I that did never weep
01:00:38Now melt with woe
01:00:40That winter should cut off
01:00:42Our springtime south
01:00:44And if me thrive
01:00:46Promise them such rewards
01:00:48As victors were at the Olympian Games
01:00:50This may plant courage
01:00:52In their quailing breasts
01:00:54For yet is hope of life and victory
01:00:56For slow no longer
01:00:58Make we hence
01:01:00A main!
01:01:02Now lords take leave
01:01:16Until we meet again
01:01:18That was one of us
01:01:20Well many of you may know that
01:01:36That I'm retiring from show business
01:01:40Yes in about 20 minutes as a matter of fact
01:01:44I'm handing a business over to my son
01:01:46From my first marriage, Gary
01:01:48Now he's gonna come out
01:01:50Yes and do five or ten minutes
01:01:52Of his own material
01:01:53He is very nervous
01:01:54Ladies and gentlemen
01:01:55So please show him the appreciation
01:01:56You showed us
01:01:57When we came on
01:01:58As we welcomed my son
01:01:59From my first marriage
01:02:00Gary!
01:02:01Come on out Gary!
01:02:10Hello everybody!
01:02:12Welcome to Gary!
01:02:13Oh!
01:02:15Stand up straight Gary!
01:02:18Oh daddy what am I doing?
01:02:22Stand up!
01:02:24Stand up straight!
01:02:25What are you...
01:02:26What are you doing daddy?
01:02:27I'm locking your knees Gary!
01:02:28I'm locking your knees!
01:02:30You haven't been able to stand up properly
01:02:31Since the accident have you?
01:02:39Oh!
01:02:40He's in a trance like state!
01:02:41Look he's in a trance like state!
01:02:42Wake up!
01:02:43Wake up Gary!
01:02:44Ha ha ha ha!
01:02:45Ha ha ha ha ha!
01:02:46Ha ha ha ha ha!
01:02:47Ha ha ha ha!
01:02:48Isn't it embarrassing when
01:02:49a pube gets in a letter!
01:02:51We've done that one Gary!
01:02:52Ha ha ha ha!
01:02:53Don't do that noise Gary!
01:02:54It's a nervous thing isn't it?
01:02:55It's very distracting
01:02:56for the ladies and gentlemen!
01:02:57Sorry daddy...
01:02:58Gary it's a nervous thing isn't it is very distracting for the ladies and
01:03:00gentlemen sorry daddy but I'm very nervous I know you are but don't do that
01:03:04nice now what are you going to what am I what am I going to do daddy what are you
01:03:09going to do Gary well what am I going to do I'm very nervous I know you are do
01:03:13your best I'm going to do some of my jokes are you Gary yes I'm going to do some of my jokes
01:03:17off you go then don't make that noise Gary it's very distracting and ultimately
01:03:26will limit your appeal I say I say I say I say I've just come back from drooling
01:03:33all over an Eastern European leader you could say I slumbered on Milosevic
01:03:39they hate me daddy I'm killing it for you nonsense Gary have another go
01:03:48I say I say I just come back from having a salad on the beach with that girl who wrote
01:04:01the song I wish it was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair Sandy Tom yes and there
01:04:06was grit in the cucumber
01:04:14you're heckling me now daddy I'm ruining it for you have another go Gary I say I say I've just come back I've just come back from
01:04:26a potholing holiday with KD Lang constant caving no she didn't do any of her songs
01:04:33why can't they love me like they love you daddy nonsense Gary we all have bad gigs
01:04:40not you daddy last night in this very theatre they were on their feet a standing ovation
01:04:44please Gary don't put unnecessary pressure on the ladies and gentlemen
01:04:47we carried your shoulder high into your car please Gary I beg you and they chopped up your fee from their own pockets
01:04:53it's true but please
01:04:57they're embarrassing ladies and gentlemen why don't you do one of your impressions Gary
01:05:02yes why don't I do one of my impressions they always go down well
01:05:06who is this walking along now with his lovely blonde hair
01:05:10now then now then now then now's about now then now
01:05:13HE SINGS
01:05:15HE SINGS
01:05:17HE SINGS
01:05:19HE SINGS
01:05:21HE SINGS
01:05:23HE SINGS
01:05:25HE SINGS
01:05:27HE SINGS
01:05:29HE SINGS
01:05:31HE SINGS
01:05:33HE SINGS
01:05:35HE SINGS
01:05:37Well, I've been laughing at you. We laughed that six months ago.
01:05:40Let's show business, Gary.
01:05:42HE SINGS
01:05:44Hello, good boy, too.
01:05:46No, no, no, no, no.
01:05:48What time is it, Gary? What time is it?
01:05:52HE SINGS
01:05:54HE SINGS
01:05:56HE SINGS
01:05:58HE SINGS
01:06:00Where's your belt? Where's your belt?
01:06:04I don't know.
01:06:06HE SINGS
01:06:08HE SINGS
01:06:10HE SINGS
01:06:12HE SINGS
01:06:14HE SINGS
01:06:16HE SINGS
01:06:18NAN-IDENTIFIED OBJECT IN BANGING AREA. CALL FOR ASSISTANCE.
01:06:20HE SINGS
01:06:22HE SINGS
01:06:24HE SINGS
01:06:26HE SINGS
01:06:28HE SINGS
01:06:30try it. It was the actress in Daddy who told me I would never dance again. You look a bit
01:06:37sad tonight, Gary. Don't I, Daddy? Yes, you do. I heard that you settle down the tube.
01:06:50I'm the girl and you're married now. No? Where did you hear that? Oh. I must admit
01:07:00it. Daddy, Daddy, I never wanted to be a comedian. You forced me into it. What are you talking
01:07:07about, Gary? No, I wanted to be a doctor. You know very well. I wanted to learn all about
01:07:11the different parts of the human body, the different types of teeth, for instance, the canine and
01:07:15incisors, the pre-wellers and mullers, which grind out the food and put perilous passages
01:07:19of the tongue down the stomach and the stomach is put up and down by the acid and the enzymes.
01:07:22And yet it's 643-packed ported. The infuriating decay with the right side of the heart, the
01:07:27right itch and the right ventricle, the palm reactant, the lungs as it goes obstinate. The
01:07:29left side of the heart, the arctic arts, the aquatic artists, and the brain center
01:07:33of the right of the right of the fashion. The spurning cartilage function in fighting
01:07:36invasion between the arts and fission of the air. The three infuriating to put in these
01:07:39and tear it down the part of the digestive food continues on a sparsity out of the stomach,
01:07:41the primary thing, the jordine, and the vision, the item, the small intestine, the margin
01:07:44testing, the A-cindic code, and the transverse code, and the D-cindic code, and finally,
01:07:47from the rectum where it's expired through the years.
01:07:49We've done that one, Gary.
01:07:55We've done that one.
01:07:56Oh, why didn't you tell me, you silly arse?
01:07:59Why didn't you go and get my son, Daddy?
01:08:02Your son, Gary?
01:08:03Yes, my son, Sam.
01:08:05He's over there.
01:08:06He's a wonderful entertainer.
01:08:12Stay there, Gary.
01:08:13Not...
01:08:14Oh, I feel a bit dizzy, Daddy.
01:08:21I'm going to get Sam.
01:08:27Sam, where are you?
01:08:42What's that sound?
01:08:44I know, we've done that one.
01:08:46Why didn't you do one of...
01:08:47Why didn't you do one of your impressions?
01:08:49That's show business.
01:08:57You look a bit sad tonight, Sam.
01:09:00Just settle down.
01:09:01You found a girl, and you're married now.
01:09:04That's a mishead.
01:09:05What's that, Sam?
01:09:07You wanted to be a doctor?
01:09:08Yeah.
01:09:09Yeah.
01:09:09Yeah.
01:09:09Yeah.
01:09:10Yeah.
01:09:11Yeah.
01:09:11Yeah.
01:09:12Yeah.
01:09:12Yeah.
01:09:13Yeah.
01:09:13Yeah.
01:09:14Yeah.
01:09:14Yeah.
01:09:15Yeah.
01:09:15Yeah.
01:09:16Yeah.
01:09:16Yeah.
01:09:17Yeah.
01:09:18Yeah.
01:09:26I don't know about anyone else, but I can't understand a single word.
01:09:28He's from Tonga, Daddy. He can't be. I speak Tongan.
01:09:35He says he's from one of the Arang Islands.
01:09:45Well, why don't you do one of your whistling songs?
01:09:49Yes, one of our whistling songs.
01:09:50You're a wonderful double, like when you whistle.
01:09:52If someone likes to suggest a song, perhaps, yes.
01:09:56Well, someone like to suggest a song that we can whistle together.
01:09:59I mean, my mum, I dare.
01:10:00Anyone like to suggest a song for the guys to whistle?
01:10:03My mum!
01:10:05Oklahoma? OK.
01:10:26Well, I'd love you, my mum, I'm sorry.
01:10:29They'd love you.
01:10:32Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
01:10:34Ah!
01:10:36You want to be your son I don't think
01:11:06Help! Help, Gary! I'm over the top of Daniel's topic
01:11:12It's so scary, help me!
01:11:14Get off! Get off his answer, what did you want?
01:11:18If Gary wants you, he'll call you
01:11:20I told you to wait in the car
01:11:22I told you to call! Where do I?
01:11:24What's his answer?
01:11:25Oh Gary, you saved my life
01:11:31When there are grey skies
01:11:36Let there be grey skies
01:11:38You turn them blue, sunny boy
01:11:44When friends forsake me
01:11:47Let them forsake me
01:11:50I'll still have you, sunny boy
01:11:55Come on Gary!
01:11:57How about that?
01:12:05Gary and everything, gentlemen
01:12:07Hear that Gary, they love you!
01:12:09You told me I'd better dance again!
01:12:11Come on Gary, take a bow!
01:12:13One more!
01:12:15Come on Gary, take a bow!
01:12:17You told me I'd better dance again!
01:12:19You told me I'd better dance again!
01:12:20You told me I'd better dance again!
01:12:21Come on Gary, take a bow!
01:12:22One more!
01:12:23Come on Gary, take a bow!
01:12:25Come on Gary, take a bow!
01:12:27One more!
01:12:29Come on Gary, take a bow!
01:12:31You told me I'd better dance again!
01:12:33What do you mean?
01:12:34What do you mean?
01:12:35Dirty boy!
01:12:36Put your trousers up!
01:12:37Do your quarters!
01:12:38Dirty!
01:12:39Dirty Rotter!
01:12:45By the way, this isn't a dream
01:12:48This is happening to you right now
01:12:50And it's hungry work, isn't it, Guy?
01:12:59I've only had a cracker all night.
01:13:01Mum won a baguette for me in the raffle.
01:13:05She's made up a nice sandwich for me.
01:13:08I hope you don't mind. Just have a little bite.
01:13:20No, Mama, I said a BLT.
01:13:39While you were at work today, while you were at work, Steve and Sarah,
01:13:44I went out and I bought that baguette
01:13:47and I took it back to my hotel room
01:13:50and I cut a slit in it like that
01:13:53and I borrowed Gary's belt
01:13:57and I placed it inside like that
01:14:00and I brought it along tonight
01:14:02because I thought it was something that you would find entertaining.
01:14:10Nothing, nothing on the baby's belt in a baguette.
01:14:13Two nights running now.
01:14:15I'm a 48-year-old ex-doctor trying to get laughs
01:14:18out of a baby's belt in a baguette.
01:14:21I'm rolling around in a paddling pool with a strange bloke
01:14:24who's staying with friends locally
01:14:26and I'm paying his petrol.
01:14:29Ten years I had a show on TV, I was a big star,
01:14:32but now look at me, in the middle of nowhere,
01:14:34some rural outpost in the middle of nowhere.
01:14:39And the voice of you have been framed for Christ's sake.
01:14:43Da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da.
01:14:45It's an old lady, she's been bitten on the leg by a rat
01:14:48and they may need to amputate.
01:14:49And while we're on the subject,
01:14:51say you rubbish that!
01:14:57Bad neighbour!
01:15:00I don't know why you're laughing.
01:15:01I don't know why you're laughing, Steve.
01:15:05Selfish, bad neighbour!
01:15:07Broken Britain, you've ruined it for all of us.
01:15:10Well, we're going to come up with a new law, aren't we, guys?
01:15:12A new law that's going to make Sharia law
01:15:13look like a walk in the park on a sunny day.
01:15:15With wine and this taste of difference ham
01:15:18and there's parrots flying overhead singing Jerusalem
01:15:22and there's...
01:15:24and there's a taxi going by with the Spice Girls on
01:15:37and a bloke on a top out is doing Shakespeare.
01:15:39And we're going to use a different song
01:15:41that's going to list all the different punishments
01:15:43that we're going to dole out.
01:15:45Yeah.
01:15:46No New Year's Day to celebrate.
01:15:49No chocolate covered candy bars to give away.
01:15:52away. No first of spring. No song to sing. It's just another ordinary day. No April
01:16:01rain. No flowers bloom. No wedding Saturday within the month of June. No. What it is is
01:16:08something true. Made up of these few words that I now say to you. I just called to say
01:16:17I love you. It's only because I love you Steve that I want you to improve your life. To
01:16:24see how much I care. It's only because I care that I want you to put your life in order.
01:16:29Go understand me. Promise me you won't do it again. I love you and I mean it from the bottom
01:16:38of my heart. Hello? Oh it's the hospital. What? The old lady's leg is better. Won't need
01:16:50to be amputated. What? The baby's off the ventilator and breathing on its own. What? Even the mouse
01:16:55has come back to life. Everything's going to be fine. All my heart. All my heart.
01:17:11Weep. Weep. Weep.
01:17:26Well, thank you very much.
01:17:45Well, it is very nearly sausage time, but before that,
01:17:49there is one question that someone, a little child, asked,
01:17:54had written down.
01:17:55They were too embarrassed and shy to ask the question.
01:17:57There was a little child that, there we are,
01:17:59a little child that had the question.
01:18:02Don't look so frightened.
01:18:03And you wrote it down.
01:18:04You were too shy to ask it, weren't you?
01:18:06Do you want to read your question out now, little girl?
01:18:09That's it.
01:18:10Read the question out.
01:18:10Just hold the, would you pass that back for her?
01:18:14Off you go.
01:18:15Dear Harriet, I love the show.
01:18:16It was great.
01:18:18No, really, it's the best show I've ever seen.
01:18:20But tell me, Harriet, can you really play the ukulele?
01:18:30Hey, there's a future.
01:18:32There's a future right there.
01:18:35I'll take that back because we've got another show tomorrow.
01:18:38The question was, from the little girl, was,
01:18:40can I really play the ukulele?
01:18:42Well, let's find out.
01:18:43Steve, can you bring me my special ukulele, please?
01:18:46Just bring it up.
01:18:47It's Steve, Harry, from, uh, earlier.
01:18:53Why can't you do something to help me for a change?
01:18:55Go and get the other one.
01:18:56You've ruined it.
01:18:57Look at this, it's broken.
01:18:59Oh, she added to a thousand pieces.
01:19:01Give me that.
01:19:02It's the naughty step for you tonight.
01:19:08Can I play the ukulele?
01:19:10Any, any Khalees fans in at all?
01:19:12Nothing special about me
01:19:17I'm just a little star
01:19:20If you try and reach out and touch me
01:19:24You will see that I'm not really that far
01:19:28I may not be the brightest
01:19:31Of the last one you see
01:19:35But as long as you notice
01:19:38That's just fine by me
01:19:42Yeah, everything's just fine by me
01:19:45Just keep trying
01:19:47And trying
01:19:49It's just a matter of time
01:19:52Let me cry
01:19:54And try
01:19:56And let it stop you from smiling
01:19:59Just keep trying
01:20:01And trying
01:20:03But you know, lady, you'll find
01:20:06It's surprising
01:20:08How inspiring
01:20:10Is to see you shining
01:20:14Cause in the dark of night
01:20:16You're all I can see
01:20:17You sure look like a star to me
01:20:20It's the Harry's, ladies and gentlemen
01:20:27But all that remains
01:20:29Is for us to thank the various personnel involved in the show tonight
01:20:33My son from my first marriage
01:20:36Gary, come on up, Gary
01:20:37I'm a TV server
01:20:41I'm proud of you, son
01:20:44The original Jersey boy
01:20:46Dave Thompson
01:20:47Come on up, Dave
01:20:48DJ Interacona
01:20:49Early morning singing song
01:20:54From the first half
01:20:55You're a show fan
01:20:56The caterers
01:20:57Come on up, guys
01:20:59Get off
01:21:00Get off
01:21:00Get off
01:21:01Get off
01:21:02See you
01:21:03Some more
01:21:04ON THE DRUGS
01:21:05Steve Brown
01:21:06Who'll be abba nabba
01:21:07Who'll be abba nabba
01:21:08Early morning singing song
01:21:08On the drums
01:21:10Mr Mark Ellis
01:21:11Who'll be abba nabba
01:21:12Who'll be abba nabba
01:21:14Early morning singing song
01:21:16And helping Gary tonight
01:21:18You've seen him on TV as WAGVO, welcome him now, it's Kevin O'Leary, come on out, Kev.
01:21:30Sing, sing a song, sing out loud, sing out strong.
01:21:43Sing of good things, not bad, sing of happy, not sad.
01:21:56Sing, sing a song, make it simple to last your whole life long.
01:22:08Don't worry that it's not good enough for anyone else to hear.
01:22:16Just sing, sing a song.
01:22:21Be not afeard, the aisle is full of noises, sound sweet airs that give their lives and heard not.
01:22:37Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments hum about my ears and sometimes voices that if I woke from long sleep would cry to dream again.
01:22:46Ladies and gentlemen, it's sausage time!
01:22:50Sing, sing, sing.
01:22:51Sing, sing, sing.
01:22:56It's the second coming of the subject.
01:23:22From men who strives, nor shall my sword see my eye.
01:23:32Till we have built Jerusalem, on England's beaten peasant land.
01:23:47That's all for us.
01:23:50Sorky, respect and cue.
01:23:53Sorky, respect and cue.
01:24:00Sorky, respect and cue.
01:24:05Sorky, respect and cue.
01:24:12Sorky, respect and cue.
01:24:15Sorky, respect and cue.
01:24:22Yeah, you never can't ever come to me
01:24:29If I ever leave
01:24:35Love on you
01:24:39If you're free at the end
01:24:43That you know there's no sense
01:24:48That for me, for me
01:24:53The heart is seeking
01:24:55I never, never had a hand
01:25:03Dream come true
01:25:07Without you, the world of men
01:25:14And it's shaking
01:25:15Since our world is never born
01:25:21I've worked as a new one
01:25:25And I'm like, where hell he's lost
01:25:30In our dreams
01:25:35Do-do-do-do-do
01:25:38Do-do-do-do-do
01:25:42Do-do-do-do
01:25:45Do-do-do-do-do
01:25:48Do-do-do-do
01:25:51Do-do-do-do
01:25:55Now it's something
01:25:56I've never had a dream come true.
01:26:05Guess I'm gonna dream about me, my whole life through.
01:26:13Since my books are ashamed.
01:26:26Now I've never had a dream come true.
01:26:44I've never had a dream come true.
01:26:48I've never had a dream come true.