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00:00Let's go. I got in a car accident right before the show. Cool. Cool way to start the show.
00:11Got rear-ended out there on the ice rink. Pretty sweet. Pretty sweet. Always gets me
00:16pumped for comedy. Just pop out. You know what? The world is a magical place.
00:30I was on a flight recently. I was coming back to Denver from Florida. I was doing some shows
00:34down in Florida. We're getting ready to take off. I'm sitting in the middle
00:38seat of a Southwest flight because I'm a Southwest Rewards member. That's one
00:42of the perks. And we're getting ready to take off. There's this old guy sitting next to me and he puts
00:45on his, like, earbud headphones and he immediately starts screaming
00:49in my face, hey, I'm listening to somebody else's music.
00:54This is somebody else's music. I'm like, I don't know.
00:57Jesus Christ, dude. I show him my phone. I'm like, it's not mine.
01:01He's like, how do I find out whose music this is?
01:04I'm like, you're yelling so loudly. I think they can hear you on the next
01:07fucking jet over, dude. Chill out.
01:12But he just keeps yelling in my face. This isn't my music.
01:15This is somebody else's. I was like, this cannot be the entire flight.
01:20I will open the door. I will open the door up there.
01:23You read these stories where people open the door up there. It's this guy.
01:27They're like, fuck it. I'm leaving. I'll take my chances.
01:30I'm just going to look for a lake on the way down.
01:33I'm just going to use my carry-on as, like, a Fortnite glider.
01:36This is going to work out somehow. Somehow.
01:40But he just keeps yelling at me. He just keeps hollering.
01:42I don't know whose music this is.
01:45And then finally he opens up his backpack and he pulls out a tablet, like an iPad,
01:48and he goes, oh, it's this.
01:50I was like, what?
01:52You don't even recognize your own music?
01:56Insane. Insane.
01:57And I was like, this guy should run for president.
01:59He's got...
02:00He's got what we're looking for.
02:07Everybody's got COVID again.
02:08Almost nobody gives a shit.
02:10What a difference a handful of years makes, huh?
02:12Wow.
02:13Wow how times have changed.
02:16Remember back in 2020 when your friend told you they have COVID?
02:19You'd be like, oh, my God.
02:20Well, I guess I'll help you fill out your will.
02:22And we can spend these precious last moments playing acoustic guitar over Zoom.
02:28I guess.
02:30Now you tell your friend you have COVID.
02:32They're like, I don't give a shit, dude.
02:33You're still coming to my party.
02:34Nice try.
02:36Nice try, dude.
02:37No, you don't have to wear a mask.
02:41Just don't, like, double dip the chips, I guess.
02:44I have safety protocols in place.
02:48I didn't emerge from the pandemic as a germaphobe, which kind of surprised me.
02:51But it's still weird now to be in a group of people
02:54and have someone just uncork a raw sneeze around you.
02:58It's like, what the fuck are you doing, dude?
03:00There's like...
03:01Or almost worse, people who sneeze into their hands directly.
03:05Like, I'm actually saving this for later.
03:08I just thought I would...
03:10I just thought I would paw at everything on my way out of the room.
03:14What's wrong with you?
03:15You sneeze in your elbow.
03:16Did you not go to kindergarten?
03:17You sneeze in here.
03:18This is the trash can of the human body.
03:23Everything you don't want goes in here.
03:26Sneezes.
03:27Cigarette butts.
03:30Heroin.
03:30Anything you're getting rid of.
03:33Anything you're getting rid of.
03:35Dump it.
03:38I recently celebrated five years of not drinking booze.
03:43Five years.
03:45Thanks, thanks.
03:46I say celebrated.
03:47I was painting miniatures at home alone, but...
03:50You celebrate differently when you're sober, you know?
03:54You celebrate fucking terribly.
03:56That's how you celebrate.
03:58Oh my gosh.
03:59I've never had to quit doing something I was so good at before.
04:02That feels weird.
04:04It's like, take me out, coach.
04:05I'm crushing it.
04:06No, bench me.
04:07Bench me.
04:09Show some mercy on the world.
04:12But I do drink a lot of non-alcoholic beer,
04:14and I realized I'm getting a non-alcoholic beer gut from it.
04:18Truly, no sadder way to gain weight.
04:20That's the saddest way.
04:22It's the old N.A. beer gut.
04:25At least with a real beer gut, you're like,
04:27oh man, the good times I'm pretty sure you and I have shared, compadre.
04:31I'm just kind of hazily piecing them together like a thrift store jigsaw puzzle.
04:38But with a non-alcoholic beer gut, you're like,
04:40wow, the crystal clear memories I have of pretending to have fun around people who are...
04:5115 extra pounds of fat that I'm carrying around like a chubby baby that's never coming to term.
04:58Cool way to live.
05:00I think non-alcoholic beer is kind of a weird product, though,
05:03because on the spectrum of vices, beer is pretty low, right?
05:06Beer's not even that crazy.
05:08I want alternatives to the real shit, like the good stuff.
05:12Here's what I want.
05:13I want non-Cokehead Coke.
05:15That's what I want.
05:16From the makers of non-alcoholic beer, non-Cokehead Coke.
05:20I can't do real Coke.
05:21I got a flippity-floppity heart, but non-Cokehead Coke?
05:25Let's do this.
05:25I'm on board.
05:26I want to hang out in some of Denver's grossest bathroom stalls with my friends.
05:32Just kick open the door, like, fuck yeah, are we ripping snoots in here or what?
05:36Let's go.
05:37I don't know the terms.
05:39Why would I?
05:39Like, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop.
05:41Like, oh, yeah, mine's strawberry.
05:43What are you guys doing?
05:44Oh, yeah, that's good.
05:45That's tangy.
05:48What are we talking about in here?
05:49Ourselves?
05:50Yeah, that's what I thought.
05:50Cool, cool.
05:51Perfect, perfect, perfect.
05:55Getting older.
05:56I'm in my 40s, obviously.
05:59I think one of the worst things about getting older, it's not when your knee turns into breadcrumbs
06:04or you hurt your back sleeping, although those are both terrible.
06:09I think one of the worst things about getting older is when dumb shit makes you cranky.
06:14Because then you feel old, right?
06:15You're like, oh, this dumb shit is making me cranky.
06:18It's, like, irritating me, but I feel like I could be part of the first generation who's
06:22kind of right about the dumb shit that's making them cranky.
06:25Look at what used to make old people cranky.
06:27They'd be like, rock and roll?
06:28I hate it.
06:29Or, like, a baseball cap indoors?
06:32You're making the president cry.
06:34Like, what?
06:34Shut up, you weird old fuck.
06:36Whose rules are these?
06:39But shit nowadays is kind of dumb.
06:42TikTok Post Malone electric unicycles?
06:46That shit's dumb.
06:46I'm sorry, and if that makes me old, I could not be happier to be old.
06:51Fucking age my ass up, baby.
06:53Hand me the wrong chalice at the end of Indiana Jones.
06:56I'm ready to go.
06:57Turn me into dust.
06:59Yeah, that's even an old movie reference.
07:03I know, some of you clenched up when I made fun of precious things like TikTok.
07:07But let's look at this stuff.
07:09Like, all social media's pretty dumb.
07:11We can agree on some level.
07:12But TikTok is, like, another level of dumb.
07:15Some of you are old enough to remember something called Public Access Television.
07:18Do you remember Public Access Television?
07:20Public Access Television was TV that anybody could make.
07:24If you're just, like, a weird person who wants your own show, come on down to the studio and you can have your own show.
07:29What's the show?
07:30It's Craig's Succulents.
07:32It's a guy named Craig showing off his succulent plants.
07:35By the way, this is the set of Craig's Succulents.
07:38I had a brought-in special just for this taping.
07:43It was hard to get.
07:44It was hard to get.
07:47But TikTok is like public access TV.
07:49But you don't even go down to the studio.
07:51You're just sitting in the driver's seat of your car pretending to be a doctor.
07:54It's terrifying.
07:55It's terrifying.
07:57And Post Malone, like, I've heard Post Malone is a cool guy.
08:00I've heard he's a nice guy.
08:01But that dude isn't even 30 yet.
08:03And he got always tired tattooed on his face.
08:07Just you wait, my good bitch.
08:08Just you wait.
08:10Oh, boy, if you think you're tired now.
08:14That dude's going to be in his 50s.
08:15And that shit's going to have dribbled down his face like a spooky Halloween font in one of life's cruelest lessons.
08:27And electric unicycles.
08:29Oh, my God.
08:29I remember growing up in the 80s.
08:31You think about the year 2024.
08:33You're probably going to have your own flying car, friend.
08:35So get ready.
08:36Your own personal flying car.
08:38Smash cut to 2024.
08:40They're like, yeah, we're still working on the flying car.
08:42But as a consolation prize, electric unicycle?
08:45Huh?
08:46Who's this product even for?
08:47It's like, yeah, I don't want the exercise.
08:48But I do want to look fucking dumb.
08:50Congrats.
08:52Yeah, we got something for you.
08:54Zip on out of here, you lazy clown.
08:56Get out of here.
08:58I read this sobering statistic recently.
09:00I don't know if any of you have heard this.
09:02Every hot dog you eat takes 30 minutes off your life.
09:07Yeah, I'll say it again.
09:09Every hot dog you ingest removes 30 minutes from your lifespan.
09:14And I read that and I was like, hell yeah, looks like somebody's getting off work a few weeks early.
09:19Let's go.
09:22Turns out I'm using my vacation time on the back end.
09:26Let's go.
09:27I will be honest with you all.
09:29I could go at any time.
09:31I could die tonight on this stage.
09:33I've eaten too many hot dogs.
09:34I didn't know this fact.
09:36I didn't know this when I was all in on hot dogs.
09:39I am glad, though, that they just did hot dogs and then they stopped.
09:42I do not want the doom math for all the terrible foods I enjoy.
09:47Oh, my God.
09:47Can you imagine?
09:48They're like, did you know that every full-size bag of Doritos you eat alone in your car takes 45 minutes off your life?
09:55I'm like, no, stop.
09:56Did you know every frozen pizza you bake and then fold in half and eat like a giant taco takes four months off your life?
10:05It's like, quit.
10:06Stop it.
10:08I'm here for a gross time, not a long time.
10:11Leave me alone.
10:15I do suffer a bit from anxiety and depression.
10:18I don't know if I should say suffer because maybe that trivializes it for people who have it really bad.
10:22My depression is like I'm visited by depression.
10:25That's how my depression is.
10:26My depression is like a shitty roommate who most of the time isn't around.
10:30He's like over at his girlfriend's or something.
10:32He's not around.
10:33It's great.
10:34But every now and then, he comes home.
10:38Case in point, a little while ago, I found a weird bump on my arm and I was like, oh, shit, what's this bump?
10:43Like, what if this is cancer?
10:44And then I immediately thought, well, maybe you'll die.
10:46Who gives a shit?
10:47Oh, roommate's home.
10:48Hey, bud.
10:50Didn't hear you come in.
10:51Go ahead and bring all the mugs out of your room while you're coming out.
10:54Thanks.
10:56You stole me half the utilities, depression.
11:02Sometimes there's a silver lining to depression.
11:04Sometimes I save money.
11:05That's great, right?
11:06The other day, the airbag warning light came on in my car.
11:08I was like, good.
11:09Boom.
11:09Saved 200 bucks.
11:10I'm never getting it fixed.
11:12Ever.
11:13I'll take a free behind-the-scenes tour of how an odometer works.
11:18I don't give a shit.
11:19Thanks, Volkswagen.
11:22I'm going to the gym more.
11:23I've been trying to get into shape.
11:24I have a hard time in the gym because I get so bored.
11:26I get bored of all these machines that are pretending to be something that you might do outside.
11:30Like, I got tired of the sidewalk to nowhere, the treadmill.
11:33I got tired of the bicycle to nowhere, the stationary bike.
11:37So I was like, you know what?
11:37I'm going to try this new machine that I've kind of seen lurking in my peripheral vision,
11:40which is the staircase to nowhere.
11:43Maybe your gym has one of these?
11:45It's like a treadmill of stairs.
11:46Just stairs forever.
11:48If you're looking for an appetizer of what hell is going to be like, it's this.
11:52It's infinity stairs.
11:55And as soon as I got on, I was like, wow, I've made a horrible mistake.
11:58Holy shit.
11:59I guess I'm not really a stairs guy, it turns out.
12:03I'm just suffering up there.
12:05And sometimes when I'm having a hard time doing an exercise,
12:07I'll give myself, like, some kind of, like, daydream to motivate myself.
12:10Maybe some of you do this where you, like, focus up.
12:12You're like, all right, well, like, just think of this scenario
12:14and see if you can power through it.
12:16So I'm like, on the stair machine, and I'm like,
12:18are you telling me that if your daughter was trapped
12:20on the 50th floor of a burning building,
12:23you couldn't run your ass up the stairwell and rescue her, right?
12:26Let's get to work, bud.
12:27Let's hoof it out.
12:28So I'm like, all right, we can do this.
12:30I made it up 48 flights of stairs,
12:32and then I basically fell backwards off the machine, like,
12:36no, she's gone!
12:39No!
12:41I'm just grabbing people walking by.
12:43Where the fuck was the fire department?
12:46Why wasn't my job to go up there?
12:49That's crazy!
12:52Turns out there is a judgment zone in a plan of fitness,
12:55and I found it.
12:56That's it.
12:57I don't often ask the crowd questions,
13:00but I do have a question for all of you tonight,
13:01and you can answer either by yelling it out
13:03or raising your hand, depending on your upbringing.
13:05Dealer's choice.
13:07Who here thinks they've had the worst hiccups of their life situationally?
13:12And I'll give you an example of what I'm talking about.
13:14Let's say you're on a speeding bus trying to defuse a bomb,
13:17and you got the hiccups during that.
13:18That would be the worst hiccups of your life situationally.
13:21Who here thinks they've had the worst hiccups of their life situationally?
13:26Nobody?
13:29Just all peaches and cream hiccups in here tonight.
13:32All right.
13:33Impressive.
13:33Nice.
13:34Well, here's the reason I asked.
13:35Because I recently had a colonoscopy,
13:37and I got the hiccups during that.
13:40If you want to know what my personal worst hiccups were,
13:43I've never felt more like a fucking lollipop in my life.
13:47Oh, my.
13:48I was like, instead of giving me the mild sedative they promised,
13:51they've killed me, and I've gone to hell.
13:52Because this has to be hell.
13:54They said I wouldn't even be awake for this.
13:56Not only am I awake, I've got the hiccups.
13:59I can't get rid of them, right?
14:00I'm unscarable in this moment.
14:03I'm naked on my side with a camera,
14:05and my butt's surrounded by three strangers.
14:07If someone comes in this room with a running chainsaw,
14:09I'd be like, right here.
14:10Cut it off.
14:11Cut it off.
14:12Let me draw a dotted line for you.
14:13Get this head off my body.
14:16Get out of here.
14:17Then I mercifully nod it off from that sweet, sweet heroin
14:20they pipe into you or whatever it is.
14:22I didn't know this.
14:23When you get a colonoscopy,
14:24they don't let you drive to the appointment.
14:27And in a weirdly specific twist,
14:29you can't take a ride share or the bus either.
14:31It's got to be a friend or a family member.
14:34It's that specific.
14:35It's got to be a friend or a family member.
14:39So if you're lonely, it's ask answer for you, bud.
14:42Sorry.
14:43I don't make the rules.
14:44It's got to be a friend or a family member.
14:47Guess you better sit down
14:48and make one of the weirdest Craigslist posts of all time.
14:51Looking for a temporary friend or family member
14:55for my butt camera appointment?
14:58No, we don't have to be friends after the appointment.
15:03I can understand why they don't let you drive, right?
15:05You just came out of your little heroin nap.
15:06That wouldn't be safe.
15:07I guess it makes sense that you can't take a ride share.
15:09Maybe you'd fall asleep in the back seat
15:11or you'd give them the wrong address.
15:12But I can't take the bus.
15:15Have you ridden the city bus lately?
15:17I think they can take it.
15:19I think the bus...
15:20I think the bus could handle it.
15:22I can just shamble on there
15:23with that assless hospital gown.
15:25No one's saying shit.
15:28Everyone could care less.
15:30I can just lay down in the aisle
15:32like a renaissance painting.
15:34No one gives a fuck.
15:36I'm like, yeah, it's the bus.
15:37Yeah, this is part of the bus.
15:38Yeah, this one goes by the colonoscopy center.
15:41So we get about 10 a day.
15:43We just stack them in the bus like firewood
15:45and off we go.
15:47I did recently have some life-saving surgery.
15:53Well, a vasectomy, but it counts.
15:55It counts.
15:57The life you save could be your own.
15:59Yeah, if you like doing dumb shit like I do.
16:02I didn't know anything about a vasectomy
16:04before I got one.
16:05And maybe some of you dudes here tonight
16:06are curious about it
16:07and you don't know anything about it.
16:08So let me break it down for you.
16:10I can tell you all about it.
16:12First of all, the entire procedure
16:14took seven minutes.
16:17Seven minutes to fix me like a dog.
16:19Snip, snip.
16:20It's taken me longer to put on a condom before.
16:23Holy shit.
16:25I'm like, all right, this one's expired.
16:26Okay, I don't really trust that.
16:28That's a ramen seasoning packet.
16:30I don't know why I left that on my nightstand.
16:35That's on me.
16:36The entire appointment, consultation and procedure
16:40took 39 minutes.
16:42It's like getting a mole removed.
16:4339 minutes.
16:44I think they do the consultation
16:45right before the procedure
16:46because if they told dudes
16:48what they were about to do to them
16:49and then let them leave the building,
16:51they'd never come back.
16:53Be like, I'm just going to keep rolling the dice
16:54on the accident babies.
16:55But thanks.
16:56Bye.
16:57But the doctor waits
16:59until I'm naked from the waist down.
17:00I'm laying on a table
17:01with paper over my junk
17:03like the world's grossest deli.
17:06And then he tells me
17:07what he's going to do.
17:08He's like, all right,
17:09I'm going to make a hole in your scrotum.
17:10I'm going to sever both your vas deferens.
17:12I'm going to seal them with heat
17:13and then I'm going to put
17:14titanium clamps on them
17:16so they can't grow back.
17:17What?
17:19Titanium clamps?
17:20It sounds like you're trying
17:21to kill a villain in a Marvel movie.
17:22What the fuck?
17:24I mean, titanium's a great metal.
17:25I like it on my bicycle.
17:26I don't know if I need it in my nuts.
17:28That's quite an upgrade.
17:30But what am I supposed to say?
17:31I'm already there on the table
17:32like, you'll have to catch me first.
17:34Like, I just get up.
17:37I'm just Winnie the Pooh-ing
17:38around the office.
17:39Like, he's hard to get.
17:43He's pretty spry for an older guy.
17:46Just chugging around.
17:47I'm like, all right.
17:48I guess you will
17:48because you caught me.
17:50I'm ready to go.
17:53Another delusion I was laboring under
17:55was that I was going to be
17:56totally out for it.
17:57No, it's the most local anesthetic
18:00you've ever had.
18:02You'll never be more awake
18:04for anything in your fucking life.
18:06I can tell you that right now.
18:08He gives me a couple shots
18:10and he's like, all right.
18:11I'm ready to get started.
18:11I'm like, what?
18:12Right now?
18:12While I'm like thinking
18:13and talking and remembering?
18:15Seriously?
18:15You can't like hit me
18:16with a cartoon hammer first?
18:18He's like, no, no.
18:19We're good to go.
18:19I'm like, fuck.
18:20So I'm just laying there
18:21making small talk
18:22about comedy writing
18:24with this doctor
18:24while smoke is coming
18:26out of my balls.
18:29Smoke.
18:31You don't want to see smoke
18:32come out of any body part, right?
18:34Like your hand.
18:35You're like, fuck,
18:35my hand is smoking?
18:37No.
18:38But my balls?
18:39I'm like,
18:39is this going to set off
18:40the sprinklers in here?
18:41Holy shit.
18:43He's like, no,
18:43this is totally normal.
18:44I was like,
18:45I don't think it is, dude.
18:46I think you're over-roasting him.
18:49You're giving me
18:50the Starbucks, dude.
18:51Pull it back a little bit.
18:52Let's go.
18:54And then after that,
18:55they seal you up
18:56with a dollop of glue
18:58like from a
18:59Michael's Craft store
19:00hot glue gun.
19:02I was like,
19:03wow, did you waste
19:03all your stitches money
19:04on titanium?
19:06What the fuck is this?
19:07You're just going to
19:08glue my nut shut?
19:09Yep.
19:09And then off you go.
19:11They just give you
19:11a slap on the ass
19:13to make it extra demeaning.
19:15You can catch that bus
19:16right out front,
19:17dipshit.
19:18Let's go.
19:20Get out of here.
19:2539 minutes.
19:26You could do it
19:26on your lunch break
19:27at work.
19:29You can just come
19:30hobbling back
19:30into the office.
19:32Hey, how was lunch?
19:33Uh, surprisingly awake.
19:37They're like,
19:37were you smoking
19:38out there?
19:40What is that?
19:41Pipe tobacco?
19:43No.
19:45It does feel
19:46a little weird, though,
19:47to get a vasectomy
19:48as a single guy
19:49in my 40s.
19:49It feels a little bit
19:51like installing
19:51a seatbelt
19:52on my couch, right?
19:53It's like,
19:54where do you think
19:55you're going, bud?
19:58No, can't be too safe.
19:59You're right.
20:00Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
20:01Yeah.
20:02Safety first
20:03around here, bro.
20:05Absolutely.
20:06Maybe wear a hard hat
20:07to the fridge
20:08while you're at it, pussy.
20:09How about that?
20:11How about that?
20:16A few weeks ago,
20:17I was sitting in the tub.
20:19It was a Friday night.
20:20Just sitting in the tub,
20:21reading a science fiction novel,
20:23drinking some sleepy time tea.
20:25Yeah, I told y'all
20:25I quit drinking,
20:26so eat my ass, fun.
20:28How about that?
20:29That's the new Friday night,
20:30tub time.
20:31Just having a tub,
20:33reading a book,
20:34having some sleepy time tea.
20:35It was great.
20:36Having a perfectly nice time.
20:38You ever drink tea
20:39and the teabag rips a little bit?
20:40You go debris in your mouth?
20:41Not a big deal.
20:42I just spit it back in the mug.
20:43I'm finishing up
20:44my sleepy time tea.
20:45Oh, got a little something.
20:46Spit it back in the mug.
20:47Oh, not tea at all.
20:49Just a black spider
20:50the size of a baby's hand.
20:52Yeah, it was a good thing
20:56I was already naked
20:57and in the tub.
20:57I could just start
20:58immediately screaming.
20:59It was such a shortcut for me.
21:02I've never done
21:02the opposite things
21:03faster in my life.
21:05I was like,
21:06wow, this is so relaxing.
21:07I don't know if I could
21:08ever be more relaxed.
21:09I'll never relax again.
21:11And in fact,
21:12I'm setting fire to this house
21:14with me inside it.
21:16I'm leaving.
21:17These spiders are out of control.
21:19People always say this
21:20about spiders.
21:20They're like, you know,
21:21they're more afraid of you
21:22than you are of them.
21:23Uh, bull fucking shit.
21:25This spider just suicide
21:27bombed my sleepy time tea.
21:30That's aggressive.
21:32You didn't like slip
21:33taking a sip of it.
21:34Like, I'm also tired.
21:37That wasn't even
21:39the end of it either.
21:40A few weeks later,
21:41I'm sitting on the toilet.
21:42There was a spider
21:43hiding under the toilet seat
21:44and it ran across
21:46my bare ass cheek.
21:48Yeah, I am ruined
21:50for life by this.
21:51I will never be the same.
21:54Anytime I hear someone
21:55talk about a habit
21:56that they can't change,
21:57I'm like, oh yeah, really?
21:58Why don't you try
21:58sitting down on a toilet
21:59and having a spider
22:00run across your bare ass cheek
22:02and tell me you don't
22:03check every toilet seat
22:04for the rest of your life.
22:06Because that's my life now.
22:09I'm checking.
22:10And you can't just check
22:10the toilet seat
22:11because what if they're
22:12under the rim
22:12of the actual toilet?
22:14So you gotta give it
22:14a couple good whacks
22:16to scare the spider out.
22:19Give it a few bangs.
22:20So I'm the lunatic
22:21in the public restroom
22:22like wham, wham, wham.
22:25Like what?
22:25Sometimes there's spiders
22:26in here, dude.
22:27Well, I lived it.
22:29Fuck face so.
22:30Not that funny, actually.
22:35Just a maniac.
22:36So in related news,
22:39I moved recently.
22:41I moved to a new place.
22:43It was hard.
22:43It was hard moving.
22:44I had to go through
22:44so many terrible apartment ads,
22:46so many terrible house ads.
22:48And I came across
22:49the craziest apartment review
22:51I've ever seen in my life.
22:52And I'm gonna read it
22:53for all of you tonight.
22:54This is an actual
22:55one-star apartment review
22:57from right here in Denver
22:58by some guy named Adam.
23:00First of all,
23:00this review is written
23:01in all caps,
23:02zero punctuation,
23:04or as we all know,
23:05the language of the damned.
23:08I've never even written
23:09in this style.
23:09I don't even know
23:10how you write like this.
23:10Like you sit down
23:11and like punch your caps lock key
23:13and like duct tape yourself
23:14to your gaming chair.
23:16Like let's fucking do this.
23:17Just enter some kind
23:19of fugue state.
23:20I don't know.
23:21But here we go.
23:21One-star review.
23:22Don't panic.
23:23It's not very long.
23:24By Adam.
23:25Do not move here.
23:27Worst place ever.
23:29Ghosts everywhere in the house.
23:31You can't even sleep the night.
23:34Couldn't wait
23:34till my lease was up.
23:36Live there for a year.
23:37Expensive.
23:38Not worth it.
23:39People come from
23:40different places to the pool
23:41and they don't even live there
23:43and office does nothing about it.
23:46One-star by Adam.
23:48First of all,
23:49so chill with the ghosts up front.
23:52But it's like,
23:52but the real problem
23:53is people sneaking into the pool.
23:57Sure,
23:57there are the shambling
23:58supernatural specters
24:00of the undead
24:01roaming the halls
24:02at night.
24:03But seriously,
24:03whose fucking kids
24:04are these down at the pool?
24:06These kids don't live here.
24:07They're climbing over the fence.
24:10Priorities, Adam.
24:11Nicely done.
24:12First of all,
24:13if you're complaining
24:13about other people
24:14using your pool,
24:15you're at best
24:16a pool grinch
24:17and at worst
24:18a fucking racist.
24:19Who gives a shit?
24:20Let people use your pool.
24:21As soon as one other stranger
24:23is in your pool,
24:24it's ruined.
24:25You're basically taking a bath
24:26with a stranger.
24:27So just let everybody in.
24:28The more, the merrier.
24:29Open the gate.
24:31But going back to the ghosts,
24:32I'd like to imagine
24:33this is this dude's
24:34first shitty apartment ever.
24:36He's never even heard
24:37about thin walls.
24:38He's never heard
24:39that that's even an option.
24:40He grew up in like
24:41a stone castle
24:42in Romania or something.
24:44So on his very first night,
24:45he's like,
24:45oh my God.
24:46Oh,
24:47there's a ghost upstairs.
24:50It's walking around
24:51on high heels.
24:52Oh my God.
24:53The other night,
24:54I heard a ghost
24:55behind this wall.
24:56It sounds like
24:56it listens to the same
24:57shows I like to watch.
25:00The other night,
25:01I was trying to sleep.
25:02I heard a dude
25:02goes fucking in the wall.
25:05Yeah.
25:05The next morning,
25:06they see those neighbors
25:07like,
25:07did you hear those
25:08goes fucking in the wall?
25:10They're like,
25:11uh, we gotta move.
25:12Yeah, we're gonna move.
25:16Do y'all ever eat meat
25:18around a vegetarian
25:19and they give you
25:20these little thought puzzles
25:21to solve?
25:22Like, you'll be eating
25:23a hamburger and they're like,
25:24oh, you like that hamburger?
25:25Think you could ever
25:26kill a cow?
25:27And he's like,
25:28no, I could never
25:28kill a cow, okay?
25:29You busted me.
25:30They got those sweet
25:31brown eyes,
25:31those long eyelashes.
25:33I could never kill a cow.
25:34You're like,
25:34eating some bacon.
25:35They're like,
25:35oh, you like that bacon?
25:36Think you could ever
25:37kill a pig?
25:38Again, no,
25:39I can never kill a pig, okay?
25:40They're smarter than dogs.
25:41It'd be like,
25:42nuzzling my leg.
25:43I could never kill a pig.
25:44Oh, you like that turkey sub?
25:46Think you could ever
25:46kill a turkey?
25:46I could kill the fuck
25:47out of a turkey.
25:48Are you kidding me?
25:50Turkeys?
25:51Nature's monsters?
25:51Not a problem.
25:52I can do that one.
25:54I don't even know
25:54what a turkey is.
25:55It's like somebody
25:55put a bird
25:56and a bunch of
25:56chewed up gum
25:57in those teleporter pods
25:59from the fly
26:00and then like a turkey
26:01comes lurching out
26:02through the smoke.
26:03It's got its brains
26:04on the outside
26:05of its head.
26:06It's got a fucking
26:07system of a down goatee.
26:09What kind of bird
26:10needs a new metal goatee?
26:13It's insane.
26:15You go to a farm.
26:16You go to a farm sanctuary.
26:18You'll always end up
26:18with one turkey
26:19following you
26:20with its head cocked
26:21with this like
26:22mentally unwell
26:23prisoner energy.
26:25I'm like,
26:26yeah, fuck around.
26:27Find out.
26:27It's like,
26:27Jesus, turkey.
26:28I'm going to kill you
26:29just to keep you
26:29away from me.
26:30Get the fuck out of here.
26:31I'm going to kick you
26:32like a beach ball.
26:35I'm just joking.
26:36I would never kill a turkey.
26:38You could never kill a turkey.
26:39What if you tried to kick it
26:40and you missed?
26:41You're dead.
26:41You just signed
26:42your own death warrant.
26:44That turkey's going to
26:44climb up your body
26:45and scratch your eyes out.
26:46So, fine.
26:47I wouldn't kill a turkey either.
26:50I was thinking recently
26:51about how dumb Batman is.
26:53Yeah, not everyone
26:54loves this one,
26:55but I grew up
26:57loving comic books
26:58and I loved Batman.
26:59And then I actually
27:00like analyze
27:00what Batman really is.
27:02Let's take a look
27:02at what Batman is.
27:03Batman is a billionaire
27:04who dresses up
27:05in body armor
27:06and then the cops
27:07turn on a special light
27:08on top of the police station
27:10and Batman shows up
27:11and then the cops
27:12tell him
27:12which mentally ill person
27:14to go beat the fuck out of.
27:16That's Batman.
27:17That's how Batman works.
27:19So, if we had a Batman
27:20in our world,
27:21how it would work
27:21is the cops turn on
27:22a special light
27:23on top of the police station
27:24and then like Elon Musk
27:26shows up
27:27wearing body armor
27:28and the cops are like,
27:29yeah, Kanye's
27:29off his meds again.
27:32And he's like,
27:33I'm on it!
27:33And he jumps
27:34in his stupid truck
27:35and auto-drives away,
27:37runs over a kid.
27:38That's our Batman
27:39and that's the best
27:40Batman we could get.
27:42And sad.
27:43Sad but true.
27:46I don't understand
27:47this new trend
27:47either of putting
27:48cop merch on cars.
27:49I see this all the time
27:50but never.
27:50People love to put
27:51cop merch on their car now.
27:53They got the American flag
27:54with the blue stripe
27:55through it.
27:56Like,
27:56back the blue.
27:57I wish a cop
27:58would carry me up to bed
27:59and tuck me in.
28:01So, like, what?
28:02When do we become
28:03a nation of dorks?
28:05Like,
28:05you know who my favorite
28:06person in class is?
28:07The teacher.
28:08Like, shut up.
28:10What's wrong with you?
28:12Being a cop is a job.
28:14They get a salary.
28:15They get a pension.
28:16They have the best union.
28:18They don't need you
28:18running a non-profit
28:19on the back window
28:20of your truck.
28:23People are like,
28:24yeah, but being a cop
28:24is a hard job.
28:25Yeah, so is pumping out
28:26porta-potties.
28:27Nobody's got those guys back.
28:29There's no
28:30Poo Lives Matter stickers.
28:32There's no American flag
28:35with a diarrhea green stripe
28:37going through it.
28:39Everyone in this room
28:40would rather be a cop
28:40than pump out porta-potties,
28:42and that's a fact.
28:43Take that to the bank.
28:45People are like,
28:45yeah, but cops can get
28:46shot at their job.
28:47Ever think about that?
28:48Well, spoiler alert,
28:50every American has unlocked
28:51that perk, actually.
28:55The difference is
28:56cops get body armor
28:57and the rest of us
28:58will be holding up
28:58our employee badge.
28:59So, not that cool.
29:01It's not that cool.
29:02I've actually been
29:05arrested a few times.
29:07I've actually been
29:08to jail twice.
29:09Relax, it was
29:10for killing someone.
29:12No, it was for
29:13expired license plates
29:14both times.
29:17Failure to appear
29:18in court for
29:18expired license plates.
29:20That's a pretty funny
29:21way to go to jail.
29:22People are like,
29:23what are you in for?
29:23A crippling ADHD,
29:25apparently,
29:26because I'd rather
29:27be in jail
29:28than get my license plates.
29:33People ask me
29:34what the worst part
29:35about jail is
29:35and I'll tell you
29:36what it is.
29:36First of all,
29:37I'm talking about jail,
29:38not prison.
29:39This is the minor leagues
29:40of putting people
29:40in cages,
29:41not the pros.
29:42But in jail,
29:43I'll tell you
29:43what the worst thing
29:44about jail is.
29:44It's not the food,
29:45although the food sucks.
29:46There's one jail
29:47I went to
29:47where every single meal
29:48was a dry bologna sandwich
29:50and an old
29:51withered orange.
29:52Every meal,
29:53same meal,
29:54dry bologna sandwich,
29:55old orange.
29:55It was like being
29:56taken care of
29:56by a single parent
29:58doing the absolute minimum.
30:02It's not the toothbrush,
30:03although the toothbrush sucks.
30:04They won't give an inmate
30:05a regular toothbrush,
30:06as we all know.
30:07You'll immediately
30:07whittle it into a dagger
30:08and kill someone.
30:09You can't handle
30:10that responsibility.
30:12So the toothbrush in jail
30:13is like a lollipop stick
30:14with a little sponge on it
30:15and they wrap it up
30:16in cellophane.
30:17And the first night
30:18they passed them out,
30:19I thought they were
30:20suckers.
30:21I was like,
30:22whoa,
30:22you get suckers
30:23before bed in jail?
30:25I thought this was
30:25supposed to be punishment.
30:28This place rules.
30:29We get night candy?
30:30Fuck yeah.
30:32This is some bad boy shit.
30:33I'm on board.
30:35But I found out
30:36it was a toothbrush
30:36because a guy
30:37was walking by
30:38my open cell
30:39and I was like,
30:39hey,
30:40is this a toothbrush?
30:40And he snatched it
30:41out of my hand
30:42and he goes,
30:42yeah, it is.
30:43And then he just
30:43walked away with it.
30:44And I was like,
30:45whoa,
30:45cool move, dude.
30:46Nice work.
30:48You know what they say
30:48about jail.
30:49On your first day,
30:50find the littlest guy
30:51in there
30:51and steal his toothbrush.
30:52So power move.
30:55Enjoy those minty teeth,
30:56you fuck.
30:58It's not your cellmate,
30:59although that's also terrible.
31:01Have you ever been
31:01on an elevator ride
31:02with someone
31:03who might have been
31:03like creepy
31:04or weird
31:05or smell bad?
31:06Now imagine
31:07there are all
31:07of those things
31:08and that elevator
31:09is never opening.
31:10That's when it's
31:11on top of a cellmate.
31:12The weirdest thing
31:13about cellmates,
31:13though,
31:13is that they always
31:14want the top bunk.
31:15It's like people
31:16never outgrow that,
31:17I guess.
31:18Like,
31:18top bunk,
31:18top bunk.
31:19Like,
31:20grow up, dude.
31:21What's next?
31:21You're going to call
31:21shotgun for the electric chair?
31:23Relax.
31:25You child.
31:26No,
31:26the worst thing
31:27about jail
31:27is the holding cell.
31:29The holding cell
31:29was horrible.
31:31Right here in downtown Denver,
31:32the holding cell
31:33is just one big room
31:35and it's got metal benches
31:36fastened onto the wall
31:37and they just put
31:38everybody they caught
31:39for the night in there,
31:40one after the other,
31:41and everyone who comes
31:42to the door
31:42is having the worst
31:44night of their life.
31:45Some of them
31:45are actively bleeding,
31:46they're screaming,
31:47they're so mad,
31:48they're all fucked up
31:49on God knows what,
31:50and just every time
31:51the door opens,
31:52it's a new ingredient
31:53for a terrible stew
31:54and you have no idea
31:55how long you're going
31:56to be in there.
31:57They just keep adding people
31:58and in the middle
31:59of all this,
32:00there's one metal toilet
32:01with no curtain
32:02and no partition
32:03and as soon as I walked
32:05in there,
32:05I was like,
32:06body,
32:06I'm going to make a deal
32:07with you right now.
32:09I will die of septic shock
32:11before I shit
32:12in that toilet.
32:12Okay?
32:14And my body was like,
32:15same page, dude,
32:16absolutely.
32:17Same page.
32:18We're taking this one
32:19to the grave.
32:19We're not going to do it.
32:21But I'll tell you
32:21who you do have
32:22to watch out for in jail.
32:23It's the dude
32:24who walked into that room
32:26and immediately strutted
32:27over to that toilet
32:28and shit in front
32:29of everyone.
32:31Just making furious
32:33eye contact
32:34with each person
32:35in the room.
32:36That's the dude
32:37who you do not fuck with
32:38because he's ready to die.
32:40He's left it all behind.
32:42That's the real power move.
32:46I've got two huskies
32:47at home.
32:48Dogs,
32:48not chubby kids.
32:52I've got two husky dogs.
32:54I've got a boy husky
32:55and a girl husky
32:56and a lot of times
32:57when I walk them,
32:57people will point
32:58to the boy husky
32:59and they'll be like,
33:00hey, beautiful dog.
33:01Then they just walk away.
33:02It's always that dog.
33:03It's always the boy dog.
33:04Hey, beautiful dog.
33:06I just want to start
33:08yelling after them.
33:08Hey, they're both beautiful
33:10actually, dickhead.
33:11Even if one more
33:12clearly on the inside.
33:13They have their charms.
33:16But you would never do that
33:17with someone's kids, right?
33:18Walk up to somebody
33:19with three kids like,
33:20hey, great looking kid.
33:21Just walk away.
33:23The other two kids are like,
33:24we fight in the pit
33:25with sticks again tonight?
33:27Yeah.
33:28You do, you creatures.
33:29Get in there.
33:30I think my favorite invention
33:33to come out of the pandemic
33:34are those talking dog mats.
33:36Maybe you've seen this product.
33:37I'll describe it
33:38and it'll sound like
33:39I'm having a fever dream,
33:40but this is an actual thing
33:41that exists.
33:42They're these mats
33:43and they have different buttons
33:44on them and each button
33:45has a different word
33:46and you can train your dog
33:47to press the buttons
33:47and it's like you're chatting
33:48with them, right?
33:49Like, feed me now, please.
33:52Definitely a pandemic invention.
33:54You know someone was locked up
33:55with their beagle
33:56and they're like, fuck,
33:57if I don't find a way
33:57to talk to Skittles here.
34:00I'm going to French kiss
34:01a shotgun,
34:02so let's get down
34:03to the lab
34:05and start tinkering
34:06on the old talking dog mats.
34:09And I saw this product
34:10and I was like,
34:10maybe I should get
34:11these talking dog mats, right?
34:12I'm home alone with my dogs.
34:14I get depressed all the time.
34:15It'd be great
34:15to be able to chat
34:16with my two dogs.
34:18Then I remember
34:18what asshole jocks
34:19my huskies are.
34:20They'd be like,
34:20walk now, pussy bitch.
34:24I'm like,
34:24why did I put those buttons
34:25on the mat?
34:26That was short-sighted.
34:28Fuck you, beta cuck.
34:32Okay, I didn't read
34:35the description
34:35and I got the alt-right buttons.
34:39I've ruined my dogs.
34:40Great.
34:44I realize I can't get my dogs
34:45to do anything
34:46unless I talk to them
34:47like Scorpion
34:47from Mortal Kombat.
34:49If I used my regular voice
34:51for my dogs,
34:51they could care less.
34:52I'm like, guys,
34:53come in, bedtime.
34:54Hey, can't sleep outside
34:55in negative 10 degree weather.
34:56I told you, bedtime.
34:57They're like, yeah,
34:58whatever, dildo.
35:00But if I'm like,
35:01get over here.
35:02They're like, okay,
35:03yeah, now you're
35:03talking our language.
35:05Then I uppercut them
35:06through the ceiling.
35:08They love it.
35:08It's tough love.
35:10It's horseplay.
35:11They dig it.
35:14I ran out of
35:14dog poop bags recently.
35:16Yeah, crowds are like,
35:17how does this story end?
35:20I ran out of dog poop bags,
35:22went to the store.
35:23They were all out of
35:23the unscented dog poop bags
35:25that I usually buy.
35:26So I had to buy
35:27lavender-scented dog poop bags?
35:29What maniac came up
35:31with lavender-scented
35:32dog poop bags?
35:33Finally, the tag team
35:34of artificial lavender
35:36and dog shit,
35:37high-fiving in my nose
35:38at last.
35:39It's so gross.
35:41It smells like somebody
35:41took a dump in a bathroom
35:43with a bunch of potpourri.
35:44It's off.
35:45I'd rather they smell
35:46like extra dog shit.
35:47I'm already smelling that.
35:49Just go all in
35:50with that, please.
35:52I don't even know
35:53who this aromatherapy
35:54benefits for.
35:55Like, I'm down there
35:56trying to clean up
35:57two gallons of husky
35:58diarrhea out of the grass.
36:00Like, ooh.
36:03That lavender's hidden.
36:04That's nice.
36:06It's kind of like
36:07a spa day
36:08just for one out here.
36:11Mmm, I needed this.
36:13It's insane.
36:15Sometimes I'll find
36:15an unused bag
36:16in my back pocket
36:17and I can just
36:18take it out
36:18and rub it
36:19all over my face
36:20like a cologne sample.
36:23Mmm, mm-hmm.
36:24I know, I smell
36:25like a Yankee candle,
36:26don't I?
36:26But it's not.
36:27It's a dog poop bag.
36:28Yeah, yeah.
36:29No, they make them
36:30in lavender.
36:31Okay, you want some?
36:32Okay, well,
36:33the offer stands.
36:34I've got a whole
36:35roll back here.
36:38My husky's second
36:39favorite thing to do
36:40right after their first,
36:41which is to catch
36:42and kill any small animal
36:43that enters the yard.
36:44But a close second
36:45is to surprise me
36:46with a secret surprise
36:47bonus shit
36:48the instant I run
36:49out of poop bags.
36:50Maybe some of you
36:51have a dog
36:51with the same
36:52telepathic power.
36:54Doesn't matter
36:54what time of day.
36:55Doesn't matter
36:55if they just went
36:56two minutes ago.
36:57They're like,
36:57boom, time to unhatch
36:58this weird bonus shit
36:59we've always got
37:00ready to go
37:00because this guy
37:01just ran out of bags.
37:03And I'll be honest
37:04with all of you tonight.
37:05If you hire me
37:05for like an acting project
37:07in film or television,
37:08I'm going to turn in
37:09a pretty solid
37:10C, C minus performance.
37:12I'll just be candid
37:13with you right now.
37:14But boy,
37:14you catch me
37:15on the side
37:15of a busy road
37:16with my dog shitting
37:17and I just ran out of bags.
37:18Get ready
37:19for the performance
37:20of a lifetime.
37:22Oh my God,
37:23the physical acting
37:24I will go through.
37:25Like, what?
37:27No!
37:28What the fuck?
37:29Where are my bags?
37:30I always have them.
37:32This is crazy.
37:34I'm like patting my ankles.
37:36Like, sometimes
37:36they're in my bra.
37:38Where can I be?
37:39I'm turning out
37:39my pockets.
37:40Like, this is madness.
37:42I'm making eye contact
37:45with every car going by.
37:46Like, I'm a bag person.
37:48What the fuck?
37:50This is villainous shit.
37:52I start talking to people
37:54who aren't even around.
37:55Like, yeah,
37:55I'm going to come back
37:56and clean this up later.
37:57Like, what?
37:58Shut up.
37:58No, you're not.
38:00Yeah, let me scamper home
38:01and write down
38:02a poop IOU.
38:05I'll be back tonight.
38:07Sneaking around the park.
38:08Like, insane.
38:13I have a hard time
38:14exercising my dogs.
38:15I take them for a walk.
38:17They're like,
38:17yeah, this is an exercise for us.
38:19I take them for a run.
38:20They're like,
38:20okay, we're walking
38:21a little bit faster
38:22and it's funny
38:24that this is hard for you
38:25but still not exercise for us.
38:29So I had this genius idea.
38:30I have this belt that I wear
38:31that I can connect
38:32their leashes to.
38:32It's like this dog sledding belt
38:33and I can just clip
38:34their leashes into it.
38:36And I was like,
38:36I'm going to get
38:36my mountain bike out
38:37and I'm going to put a dog
38:38on each side of it
38:39and I'm going to ride my bike
38:40and my dogs can just run
38:41as fast as they want
38:43next to my bike.
38:45Now, as soon as I said
38:45that idea,
38:46some of you were immediately like,
38:48wow, what a fucking
38:48terrible idea that is.
38:51Holy shit.
38:52At no point
38:53did I have that thought.
38:54At no point was I like,
38:55hey, maybe sleep on this idea
38:56or like,
38:57hey, sounds like you thought
38:58a lot of the pros
38:59of this idea.
39:00What could be some
39:01of the possible cons
39:02of this idea?
39:04Nope.
39:04I was like,
39:05I can't believe
39:05it took me this long
39:06to figure this out.
39:07I finally cracked it.
39:08What a life hack.
39:10So I got the belt out,
39:11I clipped the docks to it,
39:12hopped on my mountain bike
39:13and off we went.
39:14And at first,
39:15it ruled.
39:15I'm not going to lie to you.
39:16It was great.
39:17They were pulling my ass
39:18everywhere.
39:18We're just zipping around.
39:19I barely even had to pedal.
39:20It was like being on
39:21an e-bike or something.
39:23My neighbors are just
39:23watching me go by like,
39:25this neighborhood
39:25has never been whiter.
39:27This is some peak
39:29white bullshit
39:29we're watching right now.
39:31I'm just waving.
39:32Yeah, here we go.
39:34Until one day,
39:35I'm at the park.
39:35I'm just turning in some laps.
39:37I'm just trying to tire
39:37these two dickheads out.
39:39We're just going around.
39:40And there's this couple
39:41walking their dog towards us.
39:43And my dogs love another dog.
39:45Oh boy,
39:46do they love another dog.
39:48And I was like,
39:48you know what?
39:49I'm going to get going so fast
39:50that my dogs won't even
39:51have a chance
39:52to get distracted
39:52by this other dog.
39:54Because we're just going
39:54to be going at top speed.
39:56So let's just hit
39:57the afterburners.
39:58We're just going to blow
39:58right by this dog.
40:00So I shift my bike.
40:01I'm riding as fast as I can.
40:03And we pull about
40:04parallel with this dog.
40:05I don't know,
40:06it's about 60 feet away.
40:07And as soon as we pull
40:08parallel with it,
40:09my two huskies look over
40:10and they're like,
40:10oh shit,
40:11we got to go meet that dog
40:12right now.
40:14And they bolt
40:15and eject me from my bike
40:17like I'm in Top Gun.
40:18I leave so quickly.
40:21I'm just like,
40:22joink!
40:22There's just like
40:23a cartoon puff of smoke
40:24in the outline of my body
40:26over the bike.
40:27I smash into the ground.
40:29My dogs aren't done with me.
40:30They're connected to my
40:31stupid fucking dog
40:32sledding belt, remember?
40:34So they proceed
40:35to pull my body
40:36across the grass
40:37like a dumpy hefty bag
40:39on its way to Goodwill.
40:41They just drag me over
40:42to this other dog.
40:43And then they meet that dog
40:45like nothing has transpired.
40:48They're like,
40:49oh hey,
40:49you come to this park too?
40:50Oh yeah,
40:51this is our park.
40:51Yeah,
40:52this is our regular park.
40:54Cool, man.
40:54Yeah,
40:55well let's have a sniff.
40:55At no point
40:56did they look behind them
40:57like,
40:57hey,
40:58check it out.
40:58We're dragging
40:59that asshole
40:59from back home.
41:01They could not have
41:02given less of a fuck.
41:06And I'm just lying
41:07there on my side
41:07in the fetal position
41:08like,
41:09oh my God,
41:09did I just break
41:10every bone
41:11in my body?
41:13I'm like wiggling
41:14my fingers,
41:14I'm wiggling my toes,
41:16just doing a full
41:17systems reboot.
41:20And the couple
41:20is standing right there
41:22and the dude
41:23is standing over me
41:24and he's trying
41:26so hard not to laugh.
41:29He says,
41:30he says,
41:31dude,
41:32are you okay?
41:35And I was like,
41:36just laugh,
41:37dude,
41:37holy shit.
41:39I would laugh forever
41:40if I saw this.
41:42It would bring me
41:42endless joy.
41:45And it was in that moment
41:46I realized,
41:47what a gift
41:47I just gave this couple.
41:49This is going to keep
41:50them together forever.
41:52I have glued
41:53them together.
41:55Decades from now,
41:56they can be in some fight.
41:57Things are tense.
41:58Maybe it's over.
41:59Maybe this is the end.
42:00All it'll take
42:01is from them to be like,
42:02hey,
42:02remember that asshole
42:03we saw at the park
42:03with those two huskies?
42:04I do.
42:05And our love is special.
42:07I love you so much.
42:09That's going to do it
42:09for me, everyone.
42:10Thank you so much
42:10for coming out.
42:12Thank you very much.