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00:00It's amazing people keep coming to comic book stores instead of just downloading comics digitally.
00:07It's probably for the best. For a lot of these guys, the weekly trip here is the only chance their mom has to go down to the basement and change their sheets.
00:16Oh, that reminds me, I get fresh sheets tonight. Yay.
00:22Well, what do you think of new comic book night? Magic, huh?
00:27Sheldon, I'm disappointed. As a brilliant man, you're entitled to a vice. I could understand frequenting an opium den or hunting your fellow man for sport.
00:37But this? Lame-o.
00:41Well, A, comic books employ storytelling through sequential art, a medium that dates back 17,000 years to the cave paintings of Lascaux.
00:49And B, you play the harp. Like, that's cool.
00:53Can I help you find anything?
00:56A comic that depicts a woman whose bosom can't be used as a flotation device.
01:01Sorry, most of the guys who come in here like big boobs. A couple of them have big boobs.
01:09The new Warlords of Gaia expansion pack is out.
01:12A new one? Unbelievable. They just keep making up more cheesy monsters, slapping them on cards, and selling them at 25 bucks a pop.
01:19It's like a secret tax on guys who can't get laid.
01:23They're not even trying. Remember the Satanimals pack with the elephant?
01:28Why, absurd. What, was he a bad elephant who died and went to hell?
01:32What could an elephant possibly do that would cause him eternal damnation?
01:36Wild West and witches. What kind of loser cares about a showdown between Billy the Kid and the White Wizard of the North?
01:45A total loser.
01:46Obviously, a guy with a six-shooter beats an old man with a magic wand.
01:51Hold on.
01:54What if the wizard casts a Helmet of Confusion spell on Billy the Kid's cowboy hat?
01:59Please, this is Billy the Kid we're talking about.
02:03If the wizard would get shot between the eyes before he could ever get out the words,
02:06what the hell is Billy the Kid doing in the mystic realm of Ka-ah?
02:10Leonard, what's the deal with Billy the Kid?
02:15What's the deal with Sheldon's friend Amy? Are they a couple?
02:19A couple of weirdos, why?
02:21You interested in Amy?
02:23Well, I mean, she didn't look through me with soul-sucking, ball-shriveling hatred and contempt.
02:30I like that in a woman.
02:32Could you run it by Sheldon if I could ask her out?
02:36Sure, I guess.
02:38Stuart, settle an argument for us. Who would win, Billy the Kid or the White Wizard?
02:43If I tell you that, I'm robbing you of the hours of fun you could have
02:48for the magical root-and-tootin' low price of $24.95.
02:54I'll take one.
02:56Make it two. I hate all of you and myself.
02:59Three.
03:01Bring it up.
03:03Like shooting nerds in a barrel.
03:08I'll get it!
03:12Phew!
03:25Oh, no!
03:28Oh, no!
03:30Make way for the fastest man alive!
03:33Oh, no!
03:35See, this is why I wanted to have a costume meeting.
03:38We all have other costumes. We can change.
03:40Or we could walk right behind each other all night.
03:43It'll look like one person going really fast.
03:53No, no, no. It's a boy-girl party. This flash runs solo.
03:59Okay, how about this? Nobody gets to be the flash. We all change. Agreed?
04:04Agreed.
04:07I call Frodo!
04:08I call Frodo!
04:09Damn!
04:10Honey, wait.
04:11Yeah?
04:13Um...
04:15If you don't have any other plans, do you want to join us
04:17for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon?
04:20A marathon? Wow, how many Superman movies are there?
04:23You're kidding, right?
04:26You know, I do like the one where Lois Lane falls from the helicopter
04:29and Superman swooshes down and catches her. Which one was that?
04:31One.
04:34You realize that scene was rife with scientific inaccuracy.
04:37Yes, I know. Men can't fly.
04:39No, no. Let's assume that they can.
04:43Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second.
04:47Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel.
04:50Miss Lane, who is now traveling at approximately 120 miles an hour,
04:53hits them and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces.
04:59Unless Superman matches her speed and decelerates.
05:02In what space, sir? In what space? She's two feet above the ground.
05:06Frankly, if he really loved her, he'd let her hit the pavement.
05:09It'd be a more merciful death.
05:11Excuse me, your entire argument is predicated on the assumption
05:15that Superman's flight is a feat of strength.
05:17Are you listening to yourself?
05:19It is well established that Superman's flight is a feat of strength.
05:22It is an extension of his ability to leap tall buildings,
05:24an ability he derives from exposure to Earth's yellow sun.
05:26And you don't have a problem with that? How does he fly at night?
05:29A combination of the moon's solar reflection
05:31and the energy storage capacity of Kryptonian skin cells.
05:35I'm just gonna go wash up.
05:37I have 2,600 comic books in there.
05:39I challenge you to find a single reference to Kryptonian skin cells.
05:43Challenge accepted.
05:48We're locked out.
05:50Also, the pretty girl left.
05:53I have a question about Batman.
05:56Batman is a man who dresses up like a bat.
06:00Man-bat is a part-man, part-bat hybrid.
06:05Now, if Man-bat dressed up as a man to fight crime,
06:09would he be Man-Batman?
06:13No, he'd be Batman-bat.
06:16But wouldn't Man-Batman just be a Batman
06:19that was bitten by a radioactive man?
06:21But Batman is a man.
06:23You're talking about a man who would have the powers of a man.
06:26That's just Man-Man.
06:29Isn't Man-Man just man?
06:31But what if Man-Man dressed as a bat?
06:33That's just Batman.
06:34No, if a man dresses as a bat, that's Batman.
06:37But if Man-Man dresses as a bat, that's Batman-Man.
06:42So does that answer your question?
06:44Oh, I haven't asked it yet.
06:48Leonard. Leonard. Leonard.
06:52What?
06:54I never got to ask my question about Batman.
06:59What is it?
07:01If Batman were bitten by a radioactive Man-Bat
07:05and then fought crime disguised as Man-Bat,
07:08would he be Man-Bat Man-Batman
07:11or simply Man-Bat Man-Bat Batman?
07:17Is he still wearing the Batman suit under the Man-Bat suit?
07:24I'll be back.
07:27Your argument is lacking in all scientific merit.
07:30It is well established.
07:32Superman cleans his uniform by flying into Earth's yellow sun,
07:35which incinerates any contaminant matter
07:37and leaves the invulnerable Kryptonian fabric unharmed and daisy fresh.
07:43What if he gets something Kryptonian on it?
07:45Like what?
07:46I don't know. Kryptonian mustard.
07:49I think we can safely assume that all Kryptonian condiments
07:52were destroyed when the planet Krypton exploded.
07:55Or it turned into mustard kryptonite,
07:57the only way to destroy a rogue Kryptonian hot dog threatening Earth.
08:02Raj, please, let's stay serious here.
08:05Superman's body is Kryptonian, therefore his sweat is Kryptonian.
08:08Yeah, what about Kryptonian pit stains?
08:12Superman doesn't sweat on Earth.
08:14Okay, he's invited for dinner in the bottle city of Kandor.
08:16He miniaturizes himself, enters the city where he loses his superpowers.
08:19Now, before dinner, his host says,
08:21who's up for a little Kryptonian tetherball?
08:23Superman says, sure, works up a sweat, comes back to Earth,
08:26his uniform now stained with indestructible Kryptonian perspiration.
08:32Booyah.
08:36Superman would have taken his uniform to a Kandorian dry cleaner
08:39before he left the bottle.
08:42Kandorian dry cleaner? I give up.
08:44You can't have a rational argument with this man.
08:47Boom.
08:52Psst. Hey, kid.
08:54What?
08:58You look tired. Why don't you have an energy drink?
09:01Everyone's doing it.
09:04Oh, no, thank you. Those have caffeine in them.
09:07Oh, sorry. I thought you were cool.
09:12I am cool. This is Yoo-Hoo.
09:15Chocolate milk's delicious, watery custom.
09:18All right. But if you ever want to feel like you have superpowers,
09:22try one of these.
09:24Superheroes take performance-enhancing chemicals?
09:27You bet. You know why Hulk is so strong?
09:30Steroids.
09:34You know why Batman wanders around at night getting into fights?
09:38Scotch.
09:41I am facing a great deal of work.
09:45I do like things better when famous people also like them.
09:50Here. It's all in the house.
09:54The first one's free?
09:56Flash, how do you stay in business?
09:59You want to know my secret?
10:01I bought stock in Marvel.
10:05Hey, so I saw a movie trailer the other day.
10:07How could Batman possibly fight Superman? I mean, isn't that dumb?
10:11Maybe he's his kryptonite.
10:13Batman's got a lot of money.
10:14Maybe he builds a suit that can do everything Superman can do.
10:17No, no, no. I've seen that movie. It's called Iron Man.
10:28What is happening?
10:30I don't know.
10:33But it's beautiful.
10:37And now Ben Affleck is Batman?
10:38Oh, he was great in Shakespeare in Love.
10:40We should watch that next Girls' Night.
10:42We could do a double feature with the Leonardo DiCaprio, Romeo and Juliet.
10:45Oh, I love me some Leo.
10:47And it's gone.
10:50Look, I know our winter thermostat setting is 72 degrees, but I'm a little warm, so I'm going to turn it down.
11:08Oh, my God!
11:20Good Lord, how you frustrating me, Leonard!
11:23I'm scared! I'm scared!
11:37I'm scared!
11:44Fine.
11:47I can't wait to ask Stan Lee why he insists on giving all his characters first and last names that start with the same letter.
11:53Oh, come on. Why would you do that?
11:55Bruce Banner, Reed Richards, Sue Storm, Stephen Strange, Otto Octavius, Silver Surfer, Peter Parker,
12:02Oh, and worst of all, J. Jonah Jameson, Jr.
12:08Okay, I'm cutting. I'm not going to talk to Stan Lee after you cheese him off.
12:14Look at that.
12:16To my friend Leonard from Stan Lee Excelsior.
12:22Awesome.
12:23Mine says to my friend Howard from Stan Lee Excelsior.
12:29Mine says to Raj from Stan Lee.
12:37It's because you pissed him off about his character names.
12:40Hey, I didn't even mention Dum Dum Dugan, Green Goblin, Matt Murdock, Pepper Potts, Victor Von Doom,
12:46Oh, and worst of all, Millie the Model.
12:51Fantastic Four, Daredevil, Invincible Iron Man, Happy Hogan, Kurt Connors.
12:57Could you just let it go?
13:00And worst of all, Fin Fang Foom.
13:06Hey, where you been?
13:07I'll tell you where I've been.
13:09You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee and gotten autographed comics,
13:14but I saw the inside of his house and got an autographed application for a restraining order.
13:22Sweet.
13:24Plus, I get to hang out with him again at the hearing.
13:30This is going to look great hanging next to my restraining order from Leonard Nimoy.
13:35So you wouldn't want to have anything on Penny?
13:38Well, of course not.
13:40So if I actually know something right now, and I do,
13:47you don't want me to tell you?
13:49Uh, no.
13:52I'll take that as a yes.
13:55She's secretly been moving your collectibles into storage a little at a time and you haven't noticed.
14:00Are you kidding me?
14:02See, I've known that for weeks, but, you know,
14:04I waited till the moment when it would cause him the most pain.
14:14Superman's gone? My stormtrooper's gone?
14:17Your Klingon word of the day calendar's gone?
14:20I'd say dammit in Klingon, but that wasn't until next month.
14:24It's Kuvach.
14:25Kuvach!
14:28She took my Where's Waldo!
14:30Well, no, no, he's over there.
14:31Oh, yeah, there he is.
14:34Sheldon, you're wrong. Wolverine was not born with bone claws.
14:38Howard, you know me to be a very smart man.
14:40Don't you think if I were wrong, I'd know it?
14:44Okay, first of all...
14:45Give it up, dude. You're arguing with a crazy person.
14:49I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested.
14:53Hi, guys.
14:54What are you doing here?
14:55What do you mean? It's new comic book night.
14:57Yeah, but since you and Penny finally hooked up,
14:59we thought you two would be having bouncy, naked yum-yum night.
15:04There's more to life than sex, Raj.
15:06Okay, who had Leonard Flames out with Penny in less than 24 hours?
15:08I did.
15:10Nothing flamed out. We don't have to have sex every night, you know.
15:14You don't have to, but it's highly recommended.
15:18Yeah, take advantage of that window of opportunity
15:20before it slams shut on your little dinky.
15:24It's not a matter of opportunity.
15:25We're getting to know each other. There's a learning curve.
15:28What's there to learn?
15:29You get naked, do nasty things to each other,
15:31then somebody makes scrambled eggs and salami. Easy peasy.
15:35Perhaps what Leonard is obliquely referring to
15:37is the occurrence of some sort of sexual dysfunction.
15:40Okay, who had Leonard Gets a Floppy Disk?
15:43A clever, albeit obsolete euphemism
15:45for insufficient blood flow to the male sex organ.
15:50Nothing like that happened, all right?
15:52The sex was just fine.
15:55Just fine? Oh, dude, the fourth Harry Potter movie was just fine.
16:01I'm not saying it was bad. I'm just saying it wasn't great.
16:05Okay, when you say it wasn't great, do you mean for both of you?
16:07Because we could totally see it not being great for her, am I right?
16:09Oh, yeah.
16:11To tell you the truth, I think we were both a little...
16:14I don't know, disappointed, let down?
16:16Ashamed, horrified, repulsed?
16:19All I know is it wasn't the way I dreamed it would be.
16:22Sex is never the way I dream it's going to be.
16:27It's because in your dreams you're a horse from the waist down.
16:32Excuse me, Wolverine Origin, miniseries issue two,
16:36page 22, retractable bone claws.
16:40Few people spend less time thinking about sex
16:42and more time concentrating on comic books.
16:44We'd have far fewer of these embarrassing moments.
16:49But why do they still call Batman using the bat signal?
16:51Wouldn't it just be easier to text him?
16:53The bat signal isn't just to alert Batman,
16:56it's also to strike fear in the hearts of his enemies
16:58and let them know he's coming.
17:00Sort of like Sheldon's knock.
17:03Comparing me to Batman? I'll take it.
17:07If we don't do anything, how long do you think they'll talk about Batman?
17:10Well, I've known them for 11 years, so 11 years.
17:16I believe they do text him.
17:18The bat signal is linked to his phone via Bluetooth.
17:21Has that been in the comics?
17:22No, it's just what I believe.
17:25You know who's got to be the bravest person in the Marvel Universe?
17:28Whoever has to give She-Hulk a bikini wax.
17:32You want to talk brave?
17:33How about Captain America's undocumented Mexican gardener?
17:38He's not braver than whoever uses the bathroom after the thing.
17:43As usual, you're all wrong.
17:45The bravest person in the Marvel Universe
17:47is the doctor who gives Wolverine his prostate exam.
17:51How about the guy who gets a prostate exam from Wolverine?
17:55Now you're just being silly.
17:58Wolverine's never displayed the slightest interest
18:00in helping others prevent prostate cancer.
18:06Hello?
18:08Yes, the elevator's out of order.
18:10You'll have to use the stairs.
18:12Well, of course you can.
18:13Pizza dates back to the 16th century,
18:15while the first elevator was not installed until 1852.
18:19That means that for over 300 years,
18:21people carried pizzas upstairs.
18:24Be part of that proud tradition.
18:28I'll go get Penny while that guy spits on our food.
18:33Do you think they gave Wolverine an adamantium prostate?
18:36That's a stupid question.
18:38We're having a conversation
18:39about probing the high needs of superheroes.
18:42There are no stupid questions.
18:51Can you believe it's been five years since our first date?
18:54I know.
18:57Do you think I should start watching the Flash TV show?
19:05That's what you're thinking about?
19:08Well, one of the things.
19:10Are any of them me?
19:13Yes.
19:14I thought, I can't decide if I should watch the Flash TV show.
19:18I know, I'll ask Amy.
19:22Anyway.
19:25What are you doing?
19:26You're right.
19:27You did kind of kill the mood.
19:30I didn't kill anything.
19:31You did, talking about your stupid TV show.
19:35Excuse me?
19:36Starting to watch a television show that might run for years
19:39isn't a decision to take lightly.
19:41I'm wrestling with a big commitment issue here.
19:45Really?
19:46That's the commitment issue you're wrestling with?
19:50Sheldon, do you understand the irony of your fixation
19:53on a man with super speed
19:55that after five years all I can get out of you
19:57is a distracted make-out session on a couch?
20:01Irony's not really my strong suit.
20:05But I have been getting better with sarcasm
20:07if you want to give that a try.
20:09Oh sure, I'd love to.
20:13Whenever you're ready.
20:17Thanks for coming with me.
20:19Thanks for giving me your limited edition Green Lantern lantern.
20:23Do you really have to bring it in with you?
20:25What if evil strikes and my power ring runs low?
20:33Come on, let's get a drink.
20:34I don't drink.
20:35Yeah, well I do.
20:36And when my wingman is carrying a Green Lantern lantern,
20:38I drink a lot.
20:41I'll have a screwdriver, please.
20:42Don't be chintzy with the screw.
20:45I would like a root beer float.
20:48Sheldon, they don't have ice cream.
20:50They don't?
20:52Well, apparently these people and I differ greatly
20:54on the definition of party.
20:56He'll have a Shirley Tempu.
20:58And don't be chintzy with the Shirley.
21:04Okay, let's check out the females.
21:07Alright.
21:08There's a female.
21:10That's Professor Wilkinson's wife.
21:12She's like 80 years old.
21:14But she's female.
21:15Isn't that the game?
21:16No, I'm looking for a hook-up.
21:18Oh, yes.
21:20The point of this exercise is for you to find someone
21:22to copulate with.
21:24Not so loud, but ideally, yes.
21:29Thanks.
21:32And what is my function as wingman?
21:35You help me run my game.
21:36Okay.
21:38And what is your game?
21:41When I lie through my teeth to a woman,
21:43you nod and agree.
21:46Hey, that's pretty cool.
21:48What is it?
21:49It's a limited edition Green Lantern lantern.
21:52My friend is looking for someone to copulate with.
21:56You're very funny.
21:57I'm Abby.
21:58I'm Sheldon.
21:59How do you do?
22:00Rajesh Ramayan Kudrapalli.
22:02Call me Raj.
22:03Hey, Raj.
22:04Where are you from?
22:05The mysterious subcontinent of India.
22:07Ooh, India.
22:09You know India?
22:10I saw Slumdog Millionaire.
22:11Well, I'm a slumdog astrophysicist.
22:17I thought your father was a gynecologist.
22:20I'm sorry.
22:25Martha, come here.
22:26Meet Raj and Sheldon.
22:27This is my friend Martha.
22:28Hi.
22:29Hello.
22:30Is that the limited edition Green Lantern lantern?
22:34In brightest day, in darkest night,
22:36no evil shall escape my sight.
22:42Oh, that is so awesome.
22:46Have you chosen one to copulate with?
22:53Flatland is more than just a mathematical essay.
22:56It is also a treatise on Victorian social mores.
22:59You know, I had never considered that.
23:05Wow.
23:07This is going to completely change my visits thing.
23:19Well, it's late.
23:21Uh-huh.
23:22Time for bed.
23:24Okay.
23:29I'm a beauty human.
23:37Sheldon?
23:46Yes?
23:47Listen, they're kind of getting busy in the living room
23:51and I was wondering if I could hang out in here for a while.
23:56Well, I suppose.
23:58Come in.
24:04I'll sleep in Leonard's room.
24:05Good night.
24:18Smell that?
24:20That's the smell of new comic books.
24:24Oh, yes.
24:28They're on me today, boys.
24:30Yoping?
24:31Have you been selling your sperm again?
24:34No, I'm celebrating.
24:36As we speak, the space shuttle is docking
24:38at the International Space Station
24:40where it will deploy the Wolowitz Zero Gravity Waste Disposal System.
24:45Don't get over yourself.
24:46It's a high-tech toilet.
24:49Just think, thanks to your hard work,
24:51an international crew of astronauts will boldly go
24:53where no man has gone before.
24:57Is that supposed to be funny?
24:58I believe it is.
24:59The combination of the Star Trek reference
25:01and the play on words involving the double meaning of the verb to go
25:04suggests that Leonard is humorously mocking your efforts in space plumbing.
25:08Okay, make your little jokes, but of the four of us,
25:11I'm the only one making any real-world contribution to science and technology.
25:16He's right.
25:17This is an important achievement for two reasons.
25:19One, and of course, number two.
25:24Oh, clever.
25:26Playing on the use of cardinal numbers as euphemisms for bodily functions.
25:34Here, Sheldon, I pulled the new Hellboy for you.
25:37It's mind-blowing.
25:39Excuse me.
25:40Spoiler alert.
25:42I didn't spoil anything.
25:44You told me it's mind-blowing,
25:46so my mind is going into it pre-blown.
25:48Once a mind is pre-blown, it cannot be re-blown.
25:52I'm sorry.
25:53Said the Grinch to Christmas.
25:58Hey, Leonard, can I talk to you about something?
26:00Sure, what's up?
26:01Remember when I went out with your friend Penny a couple weeks ago?
26:04Yeah, vaguely.
26:05Sure you remember.
26:06That was the night you went to the bar and made a fool of yourself
26:08trying to pick up strange women.
26:14What about it?
26:16Well, the thing is, the date didn't go that well.
26:19Oh, too bad.
26:22I guess the thing to do now is just pick yourself up, dust yourself off,
26:26forget it, and move on.
26:27I can't do that.
26:28Why the hell not?
26:31Because we're going out again tomorrow.
26:33Excuse me, Stuart, have you read the new Flash?
26:36No.
26:37Well, I have, and it will knock your socks off.
26:41Good luck getting them back on.
26:46Anyway, I figure this is probably my last shot with Penny,
26:49and I don't want to screw it up.
26:50Nobody wants that.
26:52So here's my question.
26:54It's the second date.
26:55You think she'll be expecting things to get physical?
27:01Oh, gee.
27:05My initial reaction is no.
27:09Let me think about it and get back to you, okay?
27:11Okay.
27:12So you'll give me a call?
27:13Yeah, or you call me.
27:14Great.
27:16Or nobody calls anyone.
27:19Interesting.
27:20Penny's current suitor asking advice from her former suitor.
27:24Thanks for closed captioning my pain, Raj.
27:27Hey, you want to make sure he gets nowhere with Penny
27:29without jeopardizing your friendship with either of them?
27:33I'm listening.
27:34Tell him to do everything you've done with her
27:36for the last two years.