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00:00Yes?
00:04I saw your light on.
00:08Is everything alright? Yeah, I just couldn't sleep.
00:12Look what I'm reading.
00:16I thought you already read it. I did, but it's been a while and
00:20I wanted to sound smart over breakfast.
00:24Oh, you're smart. Oh, good. Wasn't sure it was coming across.
00:28What chapter are you on? Six.
00:32Oh, the extra galactic distance ladder.
00:36Want to know a little secret? Sure.
00:40I wrote the section on the Wilson-Bapa effect completely naked.
00:44Really?
00:48Sure doesn't read that way. Here, let me show you.
00:52When we consider the brightness of pulsating variable stars
00:56we start to see a possible explanation for some of the discrepancies found
01:00in Hubble's constant.
01:04Wow. You really make science come alive.
01:08You having fun with your new best buddy?
01:12Hey, it's your fault your dad likes me. You dated idiots your whole life.
01:16Well, he was right about one thing.
01:20I am married to a stud.
01:24Yeah, I felt so bad about selling you out I thought I would maybe make it up to you.
01:32Wait, wait, I can't. I mean, I want to, but I'm not
01:36supposed to for the next three days. Oh, that's right, I forgot.
01:40Alright, well, I guess I'll just read a little and then,
01:44I don't know, go to sleep.
01:48Really? That's what you're sleeping in?
01:52Oh, you want me to take it off? No!
01:56Alright, well, then pipe down and let me read my comic book.
02:00Honey, I know what you're doing, just please stop.
02:04Ooh, listen to this. Bam. Pow.
02:08Take that, Batman.
02:12Dr. Plimpton, I'd like you to meet my colleagues, Dr. Rajesh Kuthrapalli
02:16and not-a-doctor Howard Walloway.
02:20I'm a big fan of your book. Thank you.
02:24And, of course, you've already introduced yourself to Dr. Hofstadter.
02:28Hey, you. Hey, you.
02:32Boy, I'm kind of tuckered out. How are you feeling, Elizabeth?
02:36You know what? I am a little tired. Would you be a dear and get me a cup of coffee?
02:40Sure. Black, right? Actually, now I think I want it
02:44hot brown and sweet.
02:48What?
02:52What do you mean, what? It's Halo Night.
02:56I can't. I'm too sick. Go away.
03:00That's why we moved Halo Night here. Look, I brought my mom's chicken soup.
03:04I'm not hungry. Don't send him away. Let him in.
03:08Who is that? I bought a parrot.
03:12Yeah, right.
03:16Dr. Plimpton. Hi. Howard, right?
03:20Uh, yeah. Can I ask you a question, Howard?
03:24Do you like role-playing games?
03:28Yeah, sure. In fact, I'm a dungeon master.
03:32Not tonight. Tonight you are
03:36a delivery man. You brought soup, but uh-oh, Raj and I don't have enough
03:40money to pay you, so we'll have to come to some other kind of arrangement.
03:44Beg pardon?
03:48You two figure out the details.
03:52I'm gonna go change into something. I don't mind getting ripped off my milky flesh.
03:56What the fuck?
04:00Go away. She wants New Delhi, not
04:04Kosher Delhi. Besides, you have a girlfriend.
04:08You broke up weeks ago. Why didn't you say anything?
04:12I was waiting for the right time. This is the right time.
04:16Hey, who's ready for Halo? Oh, this is like a nightmare. Get lost!
04:20He's right. The numbers are shaky enough as it is.
04:24I don't understand. Oh, good. Leonard's here.
04:28Good? Elizabeth, what's going on?
04:32What's going on is you and Howard are my moving men, and Raj is
04:36my new landlord, and I don't have enough money to pay any of you.
04:40Is she suggesting what I think she's
04:44suggesting? Yup. Welcome to the penthouse forum.
04:48Okay, show of hands. Who's up for this?
04:52We'll all be naked in front of each other. I'm out.
04:56Everybody ready?
05:00Follow my lead. Almost. We're going to go out into
05:04the hallway and make a dramatic entrance. Oh, good. It's so much better when everyone commits.
05:08Run! Don't look back!
05:12I thought we had something special.
05:16So you say you can't pay your rent?
05:20I hope we get there
05:24in time to see the keynote address. Really? You want to see the keynote?
05:28Yeah, it sounds fun. Superbacteria,
05:32global apocalypse, or exciting research opportunity?
05:36Actually, I was thinking we could go straight to the room and
05:40take a nap. Really? I miss the keynote?
05:44We can watch it later on C-SPAN. Besides, I was really looking
05:48forward to you and me napping together in the hotel.
05:52Honey, if you're that tired, why don't you just take a nap here in the car?
05:56No, see, it's not... It's Leonard.
06:00Hi, Leonard. Yeah, hi. Listen, I just got a text from Raj.
06:04He wanted me to tell you that when Howard says nap, you mean sex.
06:08Oh. Thank you, Raj.
06:12You guys ever notice that Emily has a bit of a twisted side?
06:16You mean because she has weird tattoos? No, because she wants to have sex with me in a graveyard.
06:20One more time?
06:24She and I were supposed to watch the new Avengers
06:28movie tonight, but it was sold out. So I said, what else do you want to do? She said,
06:32let's go to a cemetery and do it on somebody's grave.
06:36Like a random person or somebody she knew?
06:40What difference does it make?
06:44Well, if it's her father's grave and they didn't get along, then you know she holds a grudge.
06:48The only issue is that everybody
06:52has their own thing, and as long as it's two consenting adults, I guess I don't see the harm in it.
06:56Well, what if it's one consenting adult and one adult who pretends to consent because he's afraid
07:00of being alone?
07:04Well, then I guess bring a blanket. The grass gets damp at night.
07:08I don't know, guys. Maybe this relationship isn't for me.
07:12Maybe I should break up with her.
07:16Right, you're going to break up with a girl who has sex with you. Can you believe this guy?
07:20I think if Raj wants to break up with a girl, he can do it.
07:24How are you saying that with a straight face? I don't know.
07:28You guys are being jerks.
07:32Buddy, other than Jenny, Craig, you've never broken up with a girl in your life.
07:36You want to talk? You've been complaining about Stuart living here for the past year.
07:40I don't see you showing him the door.
07:44It's not the same thing. Emily's a person. Stuart's more like an infestation, something you spray for.
07:48Baloney, okay, you two are as afraid of hurting someone's feelings as I am.
07:52That's not true. We were just laughing right in your face.
07:56It's a beautiful night.
08:00Oh, yes. You've got the moon and the trees and Elizabeth McNulty,
08:04who apparently died when she was the same age I am.
08:08Makes you feel alive, doesn't it?
08:12So does enjoying a meal at a well-lit restaurant, but here we are.
08:16You aren't scared, are you?
08:20Of ghosts? No. Of you? A little bit.
08:24Who's there?
08:28Are you a sex criminal?
08:32Sex criminals don't have keys, Ma.
08:36Where were you so late? I was out with Bernadette.
08:40I know what that means. I watched Dr. Phil.
08:44I hope to God you used a condom.
08:48I'm not having this conversation with you, Ma.
08:52I hope you get one of those new fancy sex diseases.
08:56Nobody has a disease.
09:00I hope not. I share a toilet with you.
09:04Is that what you want? To give your mother herpes?
09:08That's it. I don't have to take this.
09:12Good luck with your eyebrows in the morning.
09:16Who's there?
09:20Are you a sex criminal?
09:24I'm still leaving.
09:28I just forgot my Claritin!
09:32Hey. Hey. I didn't think you'd make it. Why not?
09:36Because you have a steady girlfriend now, and we assumed you'd have to stay home to lower the food down to her in the pit.
09:40For your information, Emily's working tonight.
09:44Yeah, one would assume I'm getting out of the pit.
09:48Okay, let's focus. The girls are gone. We have 48 hours. There are no distractions.
09:52Let's change the world. Thinking caps on. Here we go.
09:56Oh, this is exciting. We're innovating. I feel like we're in the Facebook movie.
10:00I never saw that. Really?
10:04Oh, it's wonderful. I've never seen anything like it.
10:08Oh, it's wonderful. And I swear I'm not saying that because Justin Timberlake is in it.
10:12Yeah, I have it on Blu-ray.
10:16We should watch it. Oh, cool. I'll make the popcorn.
10:20Guys, in 30 seconds, we went from let's change the world
10:24to let's watch TV.
10:28I'm sorry. Is that a no?
10:32Didn't we used to have a list of all our ideas? I think I still have it.
10:36I did not get a clear answer. I'm going to set this down now.
10:40Ah, here it is.
10:44I haven't looked at these in years. Robot girlfriend.
10:48That was mine. Robot prostitute.
10:52Also mine.
10:56Wait, I'm confused. Why would you need both a robot girlfriend and a robot prostitute?
11:00It's just some things you don't do with your robot girlfriend.
11:06Boy, when you met Bernadette, the field of robotics really took a hit.
11:10Okay, let's just skip all the inventions you can have sex with.
11:22Ah, no, here we go. Ergonomic heated seat cushion.
11:26It vibrates. Keep going.
11:30It's really sweet what Howard wants to do for Bernadette.
11:34I've never done anything romantic to celebrate our first date.
11:38For starters, you've broken up with me so many times. Which first date are we talking about?
11:42Whoa, somebody call the Bern ward.
11:46And back to the zone.
11:50Besides, I do romantic things for you all the time.
11:54Can you even name one romantic thing you've done for me? I can name tons.
11:58Sex doesn't count.
12:02Well, I took you there. All you did was... I know what I did.
12:06I bet they had to throw out that rocking chair.
12:10You know, I can be romantic if I want to.
12:14It's fine. And also not true.
12:18Okay, just you wait and see. I'm going to romance your freaking ass off.
12:22That's beautiful. Is that Shakespeare?
12:26Sheldon? Zone.
12:30He'll figure it out when he falls off the roof.
12:34Do you have any Spock collectibles? I have many.
12:38My most treasured is an autographed napkin given to me by my very thoughtful friend Penny.
12:42That's her over there.
12:46Hi.
12:50Look at that. I'm in a movie. My shirt stayed on.
12:54Can we see the napkin? Of course.
12:58Just a moment.
13:10When did we get a wall safe?
13:14When there was no more room in the floor safe.
13:18When did we get a floor safe?
13:22When we got the security camera. There's a security camera?
13:26Aquaman, protecting your home since 2012.
13:30Oh my god, we've done things on that couch.
13:34Yeah, you don't have to tell me.
13:38So, here we are. Back in bed together.
13:42Yep, here we are.
13:46Okay, so I guess I'll just jump right in.
13:50Alright.
13:54You're a naughty girl.
13:58And I want to punish you
14:02with my love.
14:06What? Not good.
14:10That's terrible. Try again.
14:14You're not naughty.
14:18You're dirty.
14:22Dirty girl?
14:26Oh yes. Yes I am.
14:30You're a dirty,
14:34disgusting,
14:38revolting girl.
14:42God, Leonard, stop talking.
14:46Just give me five minutes. I'll Google how to do this. I'll call you right back.
14:50Just be quiet and do what I tell you.
14:54Okay, like usual. Good.
14:58Take off your shirt.
15:02Ta-da, man nipples.
15:06I said be quiet.
15:10Now take off your shorts.
15:14Taking shorts off.
15:18There we go. Naked, naked, naked.
15:22Wonderful. Now I'll take off my clothes.
15:26Cool.
15:34Uh-oh.
15:38Here I am, baby. You missed these.
15:42Damn it. Oh, Leonard, already.
15:46No, no, no, no.
15:50The screen froze. It's probably just buffering.
15:54Just give it a second. Fine.
16:02So how are your mom and dad?
16:06Yeah, I really don't want to talk about my parents now.
16:10Yeah, sure, sure.
16:14If the screen is frozen, try resetting the TCP IP stack.
16:18Oh.
16:22I didn't even think of that. Thanks. You're welcome.
16:26Please let me know when you and your girlfriend are done hogging the bandwidth for your self-abuse.
16:30I'm trying to stream a movie on Netflix in here.
16:34Thanks for taking me out. Well, you're spending your birthday with Sheldon. Why not celebrate early?
16:38So where do you want to go? I heard that new Mexican place on Green Street is good.
16:42Or we could take you to get a bikini wax.
16:46Why would I get a bikini wax for my birthday?
16:50I don't know. It was just a thought.
16:54I think I'll just stick to Mexican. Great.
16:58And then maybe after, we can watch a dirty movie, and if anybody has any questions about what happened or how,
17:02we can answer them.
17:06Okay, what is going on? We just want you to be prepared for any
17:10surprises that might happen tomorrow. What surprises?
17:14We don't want to spoil
17:18anything, but you should know that Sheldon said
17:22he's ready to be physical. You shut your damn mouth!
17:30You actually heard him say this? Yes, he said he wants to do something to show you
17:34how much you mean to him.
17:38I can't believe it. I don't know what to say.
17:42Well, we're really happy for you, and we know
17:46how much he cares for you. I do know what to say! Let's get me waxed!
18:02Hi.
18:06Hello.
18:10So, um...
18:14Should I get under the covers with you?
18:18Alright.
18:36Hello. Hi!
18:44Why are you shaking? Are you cold?
18:48I'm just, um, really nervous.
18:52Why? Well, I've been waiting for this for so long.
18:56I've just built it up in my head.
19:00I don't know what to expect.
19:04But...
19:08we can find out together.
19:12Okay.
19:20Well, I enjoyed that more than I thought I would.
19:24Me too.
19:28I look forward to your next birthday
19:32when we do it again.
19:36That works for me.
19:40To friendship. To friendship.
19:44Would you booze hounds please stop that infernal clinking?
19:48And the answer was yes.
19:52And the answer was elephant.
20:22Oh God.
20:30Oh God!
20:34Okay, look, this never happened.
20:38Do you understand me?
20:42Really? Still can't talk to me?
20:52Damn.
20:56What's going on?
21:00Oh, it's not what it looks like.
21:04What does it look like?
21:12It's not what it looks like.
21:16It's not what it looks like.
21:20What are you grinding about?
21:24Penny's brain teaser this morning.
21:28She and Cthulhu Pali emerged from your bedroom.
21:32She is disheveled and Raj is dressed only in a sheet.
21:36The sole clue, it's not what it looks like.
21:40Just let it go, Sheldon.
21:44If I could, I would, but I can't, so I shan't.
21:48Raj is engaged in coitus, but since that's what it looks like,
21:52we can rule that out.
21:56Let's put on our thinking caps, shall we?
22:04Raj is from India, a tropical country, third world hygiene,
22:08parasitic infections are common, such as pinworms.
22:12The procedure for diagnosing pinworms is to wait until the subject is asleep
22:16and the worms crawl out of the rectum for air.
22:24Yes, just like that.
22:28Penny could have been inspecting Raj's anal region for parasites.
22:32Oh boy, that's a true blue friend.
22:36They slept together, Sherlock.
22:40No, you weren't listening.
22:44It's not what it looks like.
22:48She lied.
22:52Oh.
22:56Don't I look silly sitting here wearing this?
23:04Maybe we should think about going to the bedroom.
23:08That's a good idea. There's a bed in there and I'm very, very pro-bed.
23:12You've reached Dr. Stephanie Barnett. Leave a message.
23:16Hey, it's me again.
23:20I just want to let you know the head count for dinner Friday has gone up.
23:24My Aunt Betty and Uncle Elliot are coming in from Palm Springs.
23:28Oh, and if anybody should ask, you're half-Jewish on your mother's side.
23:32Okay, call me.
23:36It's Howard.
23:40We should tell him you're not interested.
23:44You want me to stop and call him back right now?
23:48Dear God, no.
23:52Oh, Leonard.
23:56You've reached Dr. Stephanie Barnett. Leave a message.
24:00Hey, it's me again, Howard.
24:04Listen, my cousins from Fort Lauderdale are flying in to meet you,
24:08but you have to move the dinner to a restaurant.
24:12Tell her we're going to the Olive Garden.
24:16I have a coupon from the paper.
24:20Not going to the Olive Garden, Ma.
24:24Oh, Mr. Bigshot with his red lobster.
24:28I'll call you back when we firm up the details.
24:32It's Howard.
24:36Sheldon? Sheldon?
24:40Arthur? What are you doing here?
24:44I don't think I need any more advice.
24:48I was just curious.
24:52How'd it go?
24:56It was amazing.
25:00I saw it a few days later. What a movie.
25:06But what about Amy?
25:10Oh, she liked it fine.
25:14But she doesn't have the history with the franchise idea.
25:18Okay.
25:22Good talk.
25:30Howie.
25:34Howie, wake up. It's time.
25:38Did your water break? No.
25:42Are you feeling any contractions? No.
25:46Where are you going? To the hospital.
25:50Today's my due date and this crap needs to end now.
25:54Honey, babies don't always come on their due date.
25:58Hallie was two weeks late.
26:02I'm going to get ready. What are you doing?
26:06I'm making the situation better with humor. Are you?
26:10Would you rather me make it better with magic?
26:14Go back to sleep. Ta-da!
26:26You know, I hear that sex can induce labor. Anything for my family.
26:30What if living together kills the romance?
26:34Okay, you guys had sex one whole time.
26:38Nothing can put out a fire like that.
26:42But what happens when we each get a peek behind the curtain?
26:46She's never even seen me unshaven.
26:50You just shaved yesterday. You're good for three months.
26:54Sheldon, I understand your apprehension, but let me appeal to the scientist in you.
26:58This is your end date. Isn't it the perfect opportunity to consider this an experiment
27:02and collect data on our compatibility? Don't try luring me in with sexy talk.
27:06Okay, Star Trek the original series.
27:10The Enterprise was on a five-year mission to explore new worlds.
27:14Think of this as your personal five-week mission to do the same.
27:18If you want to lure me in with sexy talk, that's how you do it.
27:22Don't be proud of that.
27:26It's gonna be a while.
27:30I'm trying to rethink the flash onesie I bought this kid.
27:34I found it, but it's empty.
27:38Are you sure? I'd really like to.
27:42Well, should we head back up?
27:46Come on, guys. We're all awake. Why don't we go to a diner or something?
27:50Oh, I don't know. Sheldon, you don't want to do that, do you?
27:54It doesn't matter what I want. It's your birthday. You decide.
27:58Oh, my God. It's your birthday. Let's do something fun.
28:02Why don't we go to a bar? Well...
28:06Okay, I can breathe again. Babes, they want to have sex.
28:10Oh, of course. The annual birthday booty spectacular.
28:14That's a bit childish, isn't it? I'm sorry. And what flavor is your bubblegum cigar?
28:18Grape. I find it the most mild.
28:22All right, well, you two go have fun.
28:30If we find my backup inhaler, maybe we can get frisky.
28:34Oh, you sexy, wheezy little man.
28:38Okay, give me the flowers and pie.
28:42But if we show up and you're holding them, she'll think they're only from you.
28:46They are only from me. You said the gift of you was enough.
28:50Yes, but now that I've seen what the gift of me with flowers and pie looks like,
28:54there's no going back.
28:58Boy, I can't wait to see the look on her face.
29:02We're leaving right now. What's wrong? Nothing.
29:06Tell me what's going on. I saw my mommy with a naked man and she was trying to be a mommy again.
29:10Okay, let's do this.
29:14Good luck. Aren't you going to come with me?
29:18While you confront your mother about her sex life, I'd rather go back to that bar and assless chaps.
29:30Mother? Mother? Mother?
29:34Shirley, I'm so glad you're here.
29:38I saw you having naked sex.
29:42What are you talking about?
29:46I looked in the window and I saw you with a man.
29:50Oh, Shirley, I'm so sorry. Come in.
29:58Maybe we should sit down and talk about this.
30:02Can you recommend a surface you haven't had coitus on?
30:10That's not funny.
30:14Maybe we should sit at the table.
30:24Well, I'm sure that you have a lot of questions.
30:28Who was he?
30:32His name is Ron. I met him at my prayer group.
30:36How long have you been involved with him? A few months.
30:40In those few months, how long have you been a demented sex pervert?
30:48That is no way to speak to your mother.
30:52Perhaps not. But it is a way to speak to a woman who quoted the Bible to me my whole life
30:56and then desecrates one of Ethan Allen's finest sofas.
31:00I will give you one opportunity, young man, to apologize.
31:04Or what?
31:08That's ridiculous. I am a grown man. I am a professional scientist.
31:12And I currently occupy the moral high ground.
31:16Go to your room.
31:20But I occupy the moral high ground.
31:24Go to your room.
31:28But I'm a professional scientist.
31:32Go to your room.
31:36Hello.
31:40Hello. Are you ready to discuss this calmly like adults?
31:44I am.
31:58Shelly, I'm sorry that you saw what you saw.
32:02I know that this is hard for you.
32:06I think what most upsets me about it, Mother, is the hypocrisy.
32:10Doesn't this contradict all the religious rules you've been espousing your whole life?
32:14You're right, it does. And it's something that I'm struggling with these days.
32:18Then why are you doing it?
32:22Because I'm not perfect, Shelly. And that man's booty is.
32:26Well, this is confusing for me.
32:30But I don't want to stand in the way of your happiness.
32:34So, I'll condemn you internally, while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance.
32:38That is very Christian of you.
32:42But, Mother, if you're going to conduct your life in this fashion,
32:46then I should let you know that being a Christian is not a bad thing.
32:50It's a good thing.
32:54If you're going to be a Christian, then I should let you know that the world has changed since you were a young woman.
32:58It's not all sock hops, soda jerks, and segregation anymore.
33:02How old do you think I am?
33:06My point is that you're going to need to be careful.
33:10You used to be protected by your pre-Enlightenment mythology.
33:14But now you're going to need a stronger friend named Latex.
33:18Are you having the sex talk with me?
33:22Well, someone has to.
33:26Oh, dear Lord.
33:30No, don't look to him. He's mad at you right now.