First broadcast 11th July 1996.
Gary must decide between his live-in mate or his live-in girlfriend.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Ian Lindsay ... George
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Gary must decide between his live-in mate or his live-in girlfriend.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Ian Lindsay ... George
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00You
00:30Is this the real life?
00:51Is this just fantasy?
00:52Caught in a landslide and nowhere to run.
00:53Caught in a landslide and no escape from reality.
01:00How much longer are you going to be?
01:05What?
01:06How much longer in time?
01:07Yes!
01:08I'll be as quick as I can.
01:09Open your eyes.
01:10Stop singing!
01:12Open your eyes.
01:15Stop singing!
01:28Stop!
01:37Come on!
01:41Isn't it a bit early for surfing?
01:52I want to use the iron.
01:55I'm using it.
02:01Stop singing!
02:02Just killed her, man.
02:09What's the matter with you?
02:10I didn't get much sleep last night.
02:13You and Tony came congering through our bedroom at 1.30.
02:17Why, exactly?
02:19It was on our route.
02:22Hey, I'm reading this book. It's really good.
02:25This book.
02:29Hey, what do you reckon the hardest thing to iron is?
02:32I reckon it would be a heavy pair of trousers
02:36that have been, like, crumpled up in a drawer since Tudor times.
02:40What do you think?
02:43Hey, this book, Free As A Burp, the New Age Bible.
02:47It's really good for people like me, you know, the poor but happy people.
02:51Oh, look here, look.
02:53Don't buy aftershave or perfume.
02:55Smell lovely for free by rubbing yourself with a lemon.
02:58You see? Simple but effective.
03:01Where are you supposed to get a free lemon from?
03:03The New Age Lemon Fairy.
03:08Ah, yeah.
03:09Fruit and vegetables can be had for free
03:11by stealing from large supermarket chains
03:14who expect to have things nicked anyway.
03:20Do you think Debs would like me more if I smelt more of lemon?
03:22No, I think she'd like you more if you moved to New Zealand.
03:28Oh, hey, what about if I built her some shelving
03:31from the plastic trays frequently discarded by bread manufacturers,
03:34if you just ask?
03:41What?
03:42What do you think would work, then?
03:44Tony, I don't know.
03:46Have you tried appealing to her sense of pity?
03:49Yes, yes, you have, haven't you?
03:51I don't know, maybe she's just looking for some sign of genuine commitment.
03:55Commitment? Commitment.
03:57Genuine...
03:59Gen...
04:00No, the nearest I've got here is compost.
04:04Oh, cobbling tips. Maybe she needs something cobbling.
04:06Bye!
04:07Or I could build her a climbing frame.
04:09That might make her love me.
04:13Where's the climbing frame?
04:18Bye.
04:19Ah, morning, Gary.
04:21Has Dorothy left yet?
04:23Dorothy, that little snappy thing lies next to me in bed.
04:30DOOR SLAMS
04:34Oh!
04:40Hello.
04:42Hi.
04:43Hi.
04:44I just wondered if Dorothy was in.
04:47Oh, right.
04:51Is she in?
04:54No.
04:55But I am. Come in for a cup of tea.
04:57No, I'd rather not.
04:58Mug of water? No.
04:59A cracker and some jam? Really, I...
05:01Please, spend some time with me.
05:05Oh, here's a good one.
05:06Look, who needs pencils?
05:08Just collect discarded lolly sticks,
05:12split them in two and burn in a workman's brazier.
05:16The result, charcoal that can be used on most types of paper.
05:20Oh, what else?
05:21Well, I have to go now.
05:23Oh, no, please, stay.
05:26We're really communicating.
05:28Well, I have to read these college prospectuses.
05:31Why?
05:32Well, I've decided to become a full-time student.
05:35Why else do you think I sent off for them?
05:37To get some post.
05:40No!
05:42Er, Deb.
05:44Deb, look, look, there's some really good stuff in here for students.
05:48Look, cut down on food costs by going fishing
05:51or by sleeping for long periods of time.
05:54I've got a needle now.
05:56Oh, Deb, no...
05:58Oh, look, show someone you love them for free by tattooing yourself
06:02using only a darning needle, some ink,
06:06a naked flame and some herbal pain relief.
06:09Oh.
06:20Um...
06:22I'm on my biscuit.
06:25Oh. Oh.
06:27Sorry.
06:29George, I can't go on living with Tony and Dorothy.
06:34One of them's got to go.
06:37How do you decide between your best mate and your bird?
06:40I once lived with a woman and a man.
06:43We got on rather well.
06:46You're talking about your parents, aren't you?
06:49Yes.
06:52You used to stay up late singing drunkenly with your dad
06:55and then go and sleep with your mother?
06:58Not as far as I can remember.
07:00Well, you can't quite appreciate my position then, can you?
07:07Anthea, you're grinning.
07:09I don't know about you, George, but I find that a bit spooky.
07:14A little bit spooky.
07:16I've just opened the mail.
07:18Yes, if you remember, you do that every morning
07:20just after you pat your hair.
07:22We've had a circular
07:24from the Security Equipment Manufacturers Association.
07:27Well, life's just one long party in this company, isn't it?
07:30They've organised a five-a-side football competition
07:33for local firms, and they're short of teams.
07:36Oh, I think we should play.
07:39Yes!
07:41Let's!
07:43I've never been asked to play football before.
07:45Really? You amaze me.
07:48No, no, no, I'm sorry.
07:50I've got a very important problem to sort out in my private life.
07:53I just haven't got the time.
07:55Oh, don't try that old-looking pathetic trick.
08:03Oh, hi. Hi.
08:05Tony, do you want to sit down here for a second?
08:08OK. Why?
08:10Just being friendly.
08:12LAUGHTER
08:17So, what shall we talk about?
08:19The flat, Tony.
08:21OK.
08:23I like it because it's all on one floor.
08:30Yes, that is good, isn't it?
08:32You've probably noticed that Dorothy lives here now as well.
08:36Yeah. Still, nothing's changed, has it?
08:39No, er, no, no. Well, rather yes and no.
08:42Um, more specifically, yes.
08:45Oh.
08:47Well, it's changed in as much as you have to leave.
08:53You can't do this to me.
08:56I'm your mate.
08:58You're my mate.
09:00We're always kidding around together.
09:03Not to mate.
09:06Yeah.
09:08You still have to leave.
09:18If you make me leave, I'll stab myself.
09:24Put the banana-shaped biro down, Tony.
09:30I mean it, Gary.
09:33I've modelled myself on you. You're brilliant.
09:36I love you.
09:38Just give me the knife, Tony.
09:43Oh, my God!
09:45What have you done?!
09:49No! I've just had that split!
09:52That'll never come off!
09:56So stupid!
09:59Oh!
10:06Oh, God, that was horrible.
10:10Well, if you will fall asleep.
10:15This stuff shot out across the room.
10:24That's stuff for you.
10:27Oh, I'm sweating like a horse.
10:30Unfortunately, that's where the similarity ends.
10:38Sorry.
10:40Before you moved in, you would have shown some sympathy.
10:44You used to mop my brow.
10:47I used to wipe your face with a sheet. It's not quite the same thing.
10:51No, but you're right. Things have changed since I moved in.
10:55It's the trouble with nightmares, isn't it?
10:57You're at the mercy of these uncontrollable, mad thoughts.
11:02And how does that differ from your waking life?
11:06What's the worst nightmare you've ever had?
11:08It was quite recently, actually.
11:10It was about Tony. He was being relentlessly cheerful
11:13and you and me were throwing cutlery at him.
11:15But that wasn't a dream. No.
11:19Did you ever dream about me?
11:21No.
11:23You crop up in symbols, you know.
11:27Fierce animals, speeding lorries.
11:31Big, dark bushes.
11:37So, why isn't it working out, the three of us living here?
11:41There's a well-known phrase for our predicament.
11:44Who are Mr Grimsdale?
11:48They don't like it up them.
11:51Close, but no.
11:53Two's company, three's a crowd.
11:58We don't even have sex as much as we used to.
12:01Well, there's another well-known phrase.
12:06When there's always biscuits in the tin,
12:09where's the fun in biscuits?
12:21LAUGHTER
12:25HE SCREAMS
12:37HE SCREAMS
12:39HE SCREAMS
12:48Do you know what you're doing?
12:56It's surprisingly painful.
13:01Let's have a look.
13:04Oh.
13:06Ah.
13:08Ah.
13:11It's quite good, innit?
13:13That's a tattoo, is it?
13:15Yeah. I've had a bit of a rethink, though,
13:18and instead of Deborah, I love you,
13:22I think I might just do Deb.
13:27Why have you spelled it with a P?
13:30It's a D. It looks like a P.
13:33Oh, no!
13:36Do you know anyone you quite fancy whose name begins with P?
13:39No!
13:41You've always liked Prince.
13:43No!
13:44It's for Deborah, to show my total commitment to her.
13:48Oh, I've got to sleep with her.
13:51Do you know, I think it's becoming a bit of an obsession with me.
13:54Really? You kept that very quiet.
13:57At this rate, I'll be living here another four or five years.
14:00The nearest I've got to sex with Debs
14:02is when I loosed off during Rocky IV and I put my finger in her mouth.
14:06Or when we won the sack race in the garden,
14:09you know, and I lost control of me bodily functions.
14:12Just to recap,
14:14your comment about living here for another five years...
14:17Well, I'm bound to, aren't I?
14:20Yeah, let's just say, yeah.
14:22HE GASPS
14:24HE SCREAMS
14:26HE SCREAMS
14:28HE SCREAMS
14:30HE SCREAMS
14:45Me, a mad middle-aged clerk from the Croydon area,
14:48Brian and Tim, the deranged cleaners,
14:51a lady goalkeeper in a beige leisure suit.
14:54Welcome to the supercharged world of inter-office, five-a-side football.
14:59I think George is doing terribly well.
15:02Really? I'd say he couldn't do any less well
15:05if he lay on a lilo in the middle of the pitch and quietly went to sleep.
15:09It's nice to see George running off his excess energy.
15:14You see, the tragedy of it is that a bloke gets different things
15:18from his bird and his best mate.
15:21Ideally, of course, you'd want somewhere between the two.
15:24Like a bird who didn't faint after three cans of lager
15:27or a mate who looked good bending over in a bikini.
15:34George, how are you feeling? Quietly confident.
15:37Really? You're not at all daunted by the 23-2 scoreline, then?
15:40Oh, no. It's not over till the fat lady sings.
15:43Didn't you hear, George? She started singing in the middle of the first half.
15:47Bye-bye.
15:49Bye. Bye.
15:51You see, it can't be all bad just living with your woman.
15:54George has been happily shacked up with Marjorie for the last 28 years.
16:01Oh, I think they've had their bad times.
16:04Yes, he brought the photos in, didn't he?
16:06I get the impression that there was quite a battle of wills
16:09when they first moved in together.
16:11George?
16:13Well, he lost, really, didn't he?
16:16Oh.
16:18HE SCREAMS
16:25HE SOBS
16:28Oh, well, it's all over now. It's all over.
16:33That's just crying out for a full stop.
16:35Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
16:38Oh.
16:40Ah.
16:42Oh. Ah.
16:44Right. Ah. I'm off.
16:47All the best, mate. I'll be rooting for you.
16:50Try not to bleed on the stairs.
16:55Tony, did I hear you screaming?
16:58Er, yeah. I was watching television
17:02and Roy Hattersley came on unexpectedly.
17:05Oh, more college brochures.
17:08Well, prospectuses.
17:10Yeah. Hey, it must be just like going on holiday.
17:12Well, better, really, cos you don't need any jabs.
17:15No, not normally.
17:17What are you going to study?
17:19Oh, I don't know.
17:21What about PE?
17:23Why?
17:25Well, I mean, you can mess about on the wool bars all day, eh?
17:29Ooh, I'll bear that in mind.
17:31Or you could study the history of clothes and hair.
17:34That'd be good.
17:36Mm.
17:38Oh, you've got to go here.
17:42Why?
17:44Look at the length of that student bar.
17:49The college doesn't do the course I want.
17:52Oh, no!
17:55This one's even longer!
17:58Go here!
18:00Look at that. That's longer. Longer and wider.
18:03More room for drinks.
18:05Tony, was there any reason you came up to see me
18:07or were you just in the area giving career advice?
18:10Well, I just...
18:14Don't smooth my shoulder, Tony.
18:20Or my chin.
18:22Sorry.
18:24I just wanted to tell you how much I love you.
18:30Tony, you don't love me.
18:34You just want to have sex with me.
18:39Well, we could start from there.
18:43And from that acorn, our love will grow into a big...
18:47thicket.
18:51I don't want your acorn, Tony.
18:55What if I showed you how serious I am?
18:57Remember we talked about tattoos?
18:59That's all I need, you tattooing Deborah across your knuckles.
19:04Er, still, it would be quite a nice gesture, wouldn't it?
19:08No, Tony, it's tacky.
19:14Right, well, er, I'll be off then.
19:18Ah!
19:20Tony, what's that on your thigh?
19:22Oh, it's nothing.
19:23Oh, are you all right? I thought I saw...
19:25No, nothing, nothing! Goodbye.
19:30You look depressed.
19:33What's the matter?
19:35Is the European Court of Human Rights banned farting?
19:43I bought you a lump of your favourite cheese.
19:45Oh, thanks.
19:49Get up.
19:51Get up.
19:53Get up.
19:55Get up.
19:58Gary, I don't mean to nag,
20:00but can you take down the girly pictures?
20:02It makes the place look like a garage.
20:04It's not girly pictures, they're art.
20:07Really?
20:10Listen, Dorothy, I've been thinking,
20:12and I don't think it's really working out,
20:14the three of us living here.
20:17I think you should move out.
20:22Oh.
20:24That's taken the wind out of my sails a bit.
20:28Well, I just feel it's for the best.
20:32So...
20:35how do you feel about...
20:38this?
20:42Oh.
20:44Oh.
20:46Oh.
20:48Oh.
20:50Oh.
20:52Oh.
20:54Oh.
20:56Oh.
20:58Right.
21:00Tch.
21:02Tch.
21:04Oh.
21:06Oh.
21:08Tch.
21:10Oh.
21:12Oh.
21:14Oh.
21:16Did she like your tattoo?
21:20She thought it was tacky.
21:22It is, it's all sticky and rusty.
21:26Not sticky tacky.
21:29Tacky tacky.
21:32Oh, tacky tacky.
21:35Listen, Tony, I'm sorry to add to your problems,
21:39but I've been having a bit of a chinwag with Dorothy,
21:44and, well, would you believe it,
21:46she doesn't think it's working out,
21:48us all living here together.
21:52And, well, she thought that perhaps you might like to move out.
21:58What can you do?
22:02OK.
22:04There's no rush, you know, have a swim or whatever, mull it over.
22:09If you want me out, I'm going.
22:11There's a room going above the Crown for staff.
22:14Ken's already offered it me.
22:16Oh, well, that's handy.
22:18Is it nice?
22:20No.
22:22It's got a rat in it.
22:25No windows.
22:27Still, that's one less thing to look through, isn't it?
22:32Who are you going to get lagered up with?
22:35And have interesting chats with on the sofa late at night?
22:39I'll try it with Dorothy.
22:42Train her up, yeah.
22:45Yeah? Yeah.
22:48I'll get some things together and go now.
22:52OK.
22:55OK.
23:00Ah.
23:03Ah.
23:05Ah.
23:07Ah.
23:12Ah.
23:24Oh, hello. I've been making the place all nice for you.
23:27Oh.
23:29I scrunched up Emma Forbes.
23:31That's sweet of you. Gary...
23:33Poor love. She's been flat on her back on our kitchen table for the last six weeks.
23:38That's no life for any daughter in Annette Newman.
23:44Gary, I'm... I'm sorry.
23:46I'm moving out.
23:48What?
23:51Where are you going?
23:53Deborah's spare room.
23:55She's going to need the rent money now she's a student.
23:58Got to pay for all those drugs and duffel coats somehow.
24:04And we get on, you know.
24:06We get on. We're a lovely couple. Everyone thinks so.
24:10You've got to admit, it hasn't been brilliant, us living together.
24:14Especially the three of us.
24:17Well, exactly. I told Tony to move out. He's found somewhere.
24:20Tony'll come back.
24:22Well, maybe I don't want him back.
24:24Maybe I'll put an advert in Young and Sexy Londoner magazine
24:28for a gorgeous girl flatmate.
24:30You're getting angry. I'll pack some things to go upstairs.
24:33That'd give you something to think about, wouldn't it?
24:36Me sharing with a girl running round in her bra and pants.
24:39Won't you look a bit odd?
24:42No, her running round in her bra and pants, actually,
24:46as you well know.
24:48Or in a T-shirt and not minding if it rides up a bit
24:52when she's looking in the fridge. That sort of thing.
24:58I'll, um... be upstairs.
25:01Please don't go, Dorothy.
25:03If I can't live with you, I don't want to live with anyone.
25:07Oh, I'm sorry, Gary.
25:29Hello, Tony? Oh, Ken.
25:31How are we with Tony?
25:34How are we with Tony?
25:36Hello, mate.
25:38Look, everything's changed.
25:40I've told Dorothy I'd changed my mind and she had to move out.
25:43I think she took it quite well.
25:46No, no, you were never second best.
25:49I know it must be brilliant living in a pub, but...
25:53Yeah. Oh.
25:55No.
25:57All right. Fine.
25:59Yep. Bye.
26:04Oh, bugger.
26:15You see, living with your bird's all very well,
26:19but in a funny kind of way, I could liken it, Tone,
26:24to living with your parents,
26:27cos you have to keep your room quite tidy
26:30and you can't put up the posters that you want to
26:34and you can't ask any girls back.
26:45Actually, you can ask them back,
26:48but you all have to sit around the table having a conversation
26:52and drinking tea and pretending she's just a friend
26:56and try not to sound too pissed
26:59and then you have to call her a cab.
27:02Am I right, mate? Brilliant, mate.
27:04Cheers, mate.
27:10Gary!
27:23Hi.
27:25Hi.
27:28I thought I'd stay here after all.
27:31Oh. Great.
27:33Great.
27:37So, mate, what have you been up to?
27:39Oh, you know, not much.
27:41Got a kebab, watched a documentary
27:43about how housewives are turning to stripping to make ends meet,
27:46drank some lager, you know.
27:48Pretty successful evening, then. Oh, absolutely.
27:50Textbook evening. What have you been doing?
27:52Sweating. Oh, well, that's something to do, isn't it?
27:55I think I gave myself blood poisoning doing that tattoo.
27:58Yeah, but listen, mate,
27:59even if you have to spend a couple of days in hospital,
28:02you're still left with a lovely piece of work.
28:04And that tattoo will still be looking good
28:06long after the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel
28:09started to look a bit tatty.
28:16What's that noise? Noise?
28:18Yeah, it sounds like air coming out or something.
28:23It's me. Oh.
28:25Cheers.
28:52¶¶¶