deaddogsmoking
  • 5 months ago
First broadcast 13th October 1992.

Tony's childish brother John and his irritating girlfriend Mandy come to visit and they soon outstay their welcome - running up phone bills abroad, making noisy love and scratching Gary's favourite record, which leads to his telling them a few home truths.

Martin Clunes ... Gary
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Ian Lindsay ... George
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Pete Lee-Wilson ... John (as Pete Lee Wilson)
Emma Amos Emma Amos ... Mandy

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
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12:50Hey!
12:51Oh!
12:54What did you do that for?
12:55You're hysterical.
12:56No, I'm just really happy.
12:58Oh, sorry.
12:59Listen, Mandy says we can use her parents' villa in Spain
13:03and her dad will fly us all out there for free.
13:06Damn.
13:08Anything the matter?
13:09Oh, no, everything's lovely.
13:11Problem is, we've got to be really nice to her
13:13because she might change her mind, you know,
13:15if she's funny like that.
13:20If you'll excuse me a minute,
13:21I've just got to talk to John Owen Mand.
13:33Hello.
13:34I bought you some towels.
13:35I bought you some towels.
13:36They're lovely and fluffy.
13:40We're going to an hotel.
13:41Why?
13:42You called her a crappy witless bint.
13:45Did I?
13:47Well, that's part of the course round here.
13:49I mean, if Mother Teresa popped in,
13:51we'd probably call her a stoke-faced old baggage, really.
13:55We know when we're not wanted.
13:57No, it was a misunderstanding.
13:59Hang on.
14:01I've made you some tea and little sandwiches.
14:06Haven't you got any cheese and pickle?
14:08No, but I can make some.
14:10No, you're right.
14:12I suppose I've been a bit on edge lately.
14:14You know, what with the plumbing not working properly and everything.
14:16Oh, I'll have a look at that for you.
14:18I like knocking around in water.
14:20Oh, marvellous.
14:21Great.
14:23OK.
14:24We'll stay.
14:26But I think you should apologise first.
14:29Absolutely.
14:30Sorry.
14:32Pardon?
14:34Sorry.
14:35I can't quite hear you.
14:37I'm sorry.
14:39There.
14:40That wasn't too difficult, was it?
14:43Tony, it's raining.
14:44I'm just getting in the holiday mood.
15:06You're an idiot.
15:07You're an idiot.
15:08You're an idiot.
15:09You're an idiot.
15:10Hey, hey, look what I bought.
15:17A twister.
15:18I thought I could play it while I was sunbathing.
15:22You know, with the oil and all that sort of thing.
15:28Ah, look.
15:31Photos of Mandy's parents' villa.
15:34Looks like Mandy and John in your bath.
15:38Oh, yeah.
15:40What's Mandy sitting on?
15:44John.
15:48Oh, it's lovely.
15:51Oh, Mandy's dad must have a bobble too.
15:53Yeah, it's the 24-hour plumbing business.
15:55£100 a call-out.
15:57£200 if he opens his tool bag.
16:00Seriously, Deb.
16:02There's no reason why we can't try again, is there?
16:04Oh, shut up, Tony.
16:06You're more sensitive than you know.
16:08I mean, a couple of weeks ago, you let me, like, snog you.
16:17What's that?
16:32No.
16:34Yeah?
16:35No, you're joking me.
16:37No.
16:42Anyway, Dad, our phone could have got a little leak.
16:45I've solved your problem.
16:47Yeah?
16:48What you need is a plumber.
16:50Oh.
16:51You said you'd done an exam.
16:53Didn't pass.
16:59Dad says try banging it with a spanner.
17:02John.
17:04You're getting wet spots all over your shirt.
17:07Wet spots on his shirt?
17:09My hole looks like Atlantis.
17:12No, you're absolutely right.
17:14Johnny, would you like one of my shirts?
17:16What am I thinking of? Have all my shirts.
17:21Mandy, could you see your way clear
17:24to turning off the water main, which is outside the back door?
17:27I ain't got my shoes on.
17:29Oh, fuff.
17:31You're absolutely right.
17:32Johnny, how about if I hold the gushing pipe
17:34and you go and turn off the water main?
17:37All right.
17:39Yeah.
17:42Yeah.
17:44No.
17:46Yeah.
17:47Peeing on the lilo, bless him.
17:50Yeah.
17:52No.
17:56Yeah.
17:58Yeah.
18:03I've done it.
18:05Right then, can I make you a cup of tea?
18:15So you definitely rang her then?
18:17Who's that?
18:18Anthea.
18:19So I left a message on her answer phone.
18:22What did you say?
18:24I left a message on her answer phone.
18:28What did you say in your message, George?
18:30I said that you were sorry
18:32and you promised to buy her a new stapler
18:34and restore her salary to the 1989 level.
18:38You don't think that was too generous, do you?
18:40Well, I doubt if she'll come back anyway.
18:42You broke that poor woman's spirit.
18:50What's that smell?
18:52That's me.
18:53The water tank emptied itself into my laundry bag.
18:56I pulled out a shirt this morning
18:58and there was a decomposing barn owl in one of the sleeves.
19:02So your guests are finally getting on a plane then?
19:04Oh, yeah, tonight.
19:06I can't tell you, George, how hard it is to be polite for four days.
19:09Normally, if I'm nice for 15 minutes, I come out in a rash.
19:12Look, George, I know I wrote a letter to these morons in Luton.
19:16Please tell me where it is before I have a crisis.
19:20Isn't it in Bedfordshire?
19:23Second drawdown in the yellow folder
19:27in the green filing cabinet.
19:34Welcome back, Anthea.
19:36Take a letter, would you?
19:38To the editor of the Concise Oxford Dictionary.
19:41Dear sir, imagine my surprise
19:43when my secretary opened a copy of your dictionary
19:45only to find that you had misspelled the word professional.
19:48I find this lapse astonishing.
19:51So I looked at him standing there with his scissors and I said,
19:54well, if you think that's a haircut, I'm Chris Akabusi, know what I mean?
19:58So he says to me, I trained under Vidal Sassoon, actually.
20:02So I says to him, I don't care if you trained under a Ford Transit,
20:05you're not going anywhere near my fringe again.
20:08I'm going to take this in there and push it up her bottom.
20:14No, Gary, it's not for much longer.
20:17Think of the free holiday.
20:19It's got to be wrong, hasn't it?
20:21Let's go.
20:23Well, your last meal with us.
20:26Won't be the same when you've gone.
20:28You mean you'll be glad to be getting rid of us?
20:31Oh, stay a little.
20:33I bet you're sick of all of John's stories.
20:36No.
20:40Hey, Tom, remember when we were on the beach
20:43and we squirted superglue on Mum and Dad
20:45and they had to go to casualty with deck chairs stuck on their backs?
20:48Oh, I remember that one.
20:50So do you like working in a hospital, Dorothy?
20:53Well, yes, I...
20:55I expect you couldn't get into secretarial work.
20:57No, I just...
20:59Nothing against nurses, but they always remind me of nylon uniforms and vomit.
21:03Know what I mean?
21:05Mandy!
21:06It's really great eating in.
21:08That restaurant you recommended was rubbish.
21:10Yeah, they told us off for putting sugar in the salt cellars.
21:14Really petty.
21:16I'm the manager of that restaurant.
21:18Well, I'm not being funny,
21:20but you can eat at Burger King for half the price
21:22and they give you a free sun visor.
21:24You can try working for them.
21:27Don't you think you ought to be going?
21:29We'd hate it if you missed your flight.
21:31Oh, John, look at the time. Come on.
21:33Well...
21:35I can't say it's been a complete pleasure.
21:38Really? Why?
21:40Well, Tony, your bed is really uncomfortable.
21:43Yeah?
21:45Well, do you want to try sleeping on the sofa for four days?
21:47Well, it can't be as bad as your bed.
21:49Is that all I fancy?
21:51Let's not argue, shall we?
21:53I'm sure the beds are really soft in Spain.
21:55Oh, no.
21:57Didn't I say? You're going to kill me.
21:59After we've left,
22:01Dad's rented the villa out to someone else,
22:03so you can't, like, go.
22:15Get in the spinner!
22:17I can't. Tony's sitting on my face.
22:19Do you want to swap places?
22:23I don't know what you're complaining about.
22:25I've had my head lodged up Dorothy's bottom
22:27for the last ten minutes.
22:29See? I told you we didn't have to go to Spain
22:31to have a good time.
22:33Their plane will just be landing.
22:35Oh, well, it can't be helped.
22:37You'll go, Dorothy.
22:39Come on, let's get this out!
22:41No, don't come over!
22:43Get off me!
22:45Sorry.
22:47Sorry.
22:49Oh, Gary!
23:13Oh, Gary!
23:43Oh, Gary!