First broadcast 4th July 1996.
Stuck in a traffic jam Gary forces Dorothy to sound the horn but leaves her to face the violent driver this has offended.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
John Thomson ... Ken
Simon Gregor ... Road-Rage Man
Sara Stewart ... Judy
Shend ... Man At Bar
Ben Moor ... Fightogram Man
Stuck in a traffic jam Gary forces Dorothy to sound the horn but leaves her to face the violent driver this has offended.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
John Thomson ... Ken
Simon Gregor ... Road-Rage Man
Sara Stewart ... Judy
Shend ... Man At Bar
Ben Moor ... Fightogram Man
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00You
00:30She's got to tell Dominic, hasn't she?
00:55But how?
00:59Horrible. Just think, your parents and your best friend killed in the same car.
01:07She is such a good actress.
01:12It's true though, isn't it?
01:14How we always want people to think that we're independent and resilient,
01:17but we hate it when they don't realise that we're, you know, falling apart.
01:24She's going to take that top off any minute.
01:29It's coming off, it's coming off, come on, come on, it's only a top.
01:36Don't be shy, no-one's looking.
01:44Thank God BBC Two isn't scared to tackle thought-provoking drama.
01:49Thought-provoking, thank goodness.
01:52Have you noticed on telly you never see people just sitting there,
01:55hour after hour, like us, just watching telly?
02:00No. Or doing up their shoes.
02:03When was the last time you saw someone on the telly really do their shoes up properly?
02:091987, Howard's Way.
02:14Exactly.
02:17And you never see people walking past a door handle or cupboard knob
02:21and the handle or knob sort of gets caught in the trouser pocket
02:27and pulls the person back.
02:29You never see that, do you?
02:31No, you don't, do you?
02:35And you never see people cough.
02:37Oh, stop, please stop.
02:40It's off. Oh, it's off.
02:43The top is off.
02:45It's always the women, isn't it?
02:47Never the men.
02:49If you're a bloke, keep your pants on and slip under the sheets.
02:53If you're a bird, take all your clothes off and wander around naked for ten minutes.
02:59No, I think he's going to do it as well.
03:02Keep your pants on, son.
03:04Maintain your dignity.
03:08He's decided just to watch.
03:12It's off, the bottom's off, her bottom's off!
03:16Her bottom's off.
03:19Incredible body.
03:22Absolutely.
03:24Magnificent breasts.
03:30What?
03:32She said...
03:36..nothing.
03:38What?
03:40You said...
03:43..magnificent breasts.
03:45Well, she has.
03:47Yeah, but you're a girl.
03:55Gary, do you know the least attractive thing a man can do?
04:00Keep using the word stiffy on a first date.
04:05No.
04:07Snigger.
04:09Well, pardon me, I think you'd be a bit taken aback if me and Tony were watching a footy
04:13and one of us turned to the other one and said,
04:15oh, I see the big number seven's got a magnificent bottom.
04:18I don't think you'd find that very attractive, would you?
04:21I think you've uncovered a major double standard there, mate.
04:24Thanks, mate.
04:26Well, maybe you should say he's got a magnificent bottom if he has got one.
04:29Oh, well, maybe I won't if it's all the same to you.
04:35Oh, she's popped them back in.
04:38They're out again.
04:47Large lager, mate. OK, mate.
04:49In, erm...
04:53..a straight mug, mate, or, erm...
04:57..a neighbour's souvenir egg cup?
05:00Mug, mate.
05:09Good day at work, mate?
05:11Hardly usual. George spent four hours talking about pencils
05:14and Anthea took the afternoon off to have her monthly exorcised or something.
05:18I've had a really exciting day, actually.
05:20Oh, yeah? Not another minor commotion down at the library?
05:23No. No, I've got an interview for the bar job down at the Crown with the new landlord.
05:27Hey, and guess what I saw today, right?
05:32I hear Deb's leaving her flat,
05:35so I'm looking at her through the window with my nose pressed up against the glass.
05:38Minding your own business? Yeah, minding my own business.
05:40And she comes out with this girlfriend.
05:43Well, not the stocky redhead with the big knees.
05:45No, no, a new, gorgeous one.
05:48And they go to this bird's car, right, and they both get in
05:52and then they sort of give each other a little peck on the cheek
05:57and then drive off.
06:05Have I missed something?
06:08Well, it's obvious, isn't it?
06:10Deb's is going through a lesbian phase.
06:12No!
06:14Well, I could be wrong.
06:16Oh, don't say that. I like the idea. Stick with it.
06:19Well, just look at the evidence, right?
06:22A, Deb's has been a lot happier recently.
06:25B, she was going on last night about that woman's brilliant breasts.
06:29And C...
06:31You've overreached yourself with C.
06:34Lesbianism, eh?
06:40I suppose being a lesbian's a bit like coming back from the shops
06:45with an electric train set.
06:47You get all excited and then you find out there's no plug.
06:52Yeah, so you're just left there with a load of exposed wires
06:55and an empty socket.
06:57Which is great.
06:59Absolutely, but there's no substitute for a nice big plug, is there?
07:03No.
07:05With homosexuality, of course, it's a different ballgame.
07:08There, you've got a plug for each train set.
07:12No shortage of plugs there, eh?
07:14Mind you, I'd have to admit, if I was a woman,
07:16I'd give lesbianism a shot, wouldn't you?
07:18Oh, yeah, you'd try and stop me.
07:20I'd be jumping into KD Lang's hot tub before you could say moist.
07:25What exactly do lesbians do?
07:29Dunno.
07:31I suppose they just sort of...
07:34rub each other.
07:37Yeah.
07:39Doesn't seem enough somehow, does it?
07:43And one sort of lies on top of the other one and...
07:47Get off again.
07:49Fantastic.
07:51Brilliant.
07:54So, have you worked in a pub before?
07:56Yeah, I've worked here, actually.
07:58What, here at this table?
08:00No, in the whole pub.
08:06Right.
08:08Do you live locally?
08:10Yeah, just across the road.
08:12So basically you just have to cross the road to be here?
08:14Yeah.
08:16Do you want a flake with that?
08:18Oh, sorry.
08:20Oh, sorry.
08:22Just a flashback to my old job.
08:26Are you good with cash?
08:28Very good, yes.
08:30Are you good with customers?
08:32Yes, very good.
08:34What about drinks? Are you good at serving drinks?
08:37Yes, I am.
08:39Cash, customers...
08:41Well, you seem to be quite a good barman.
08:43Would you like the job?
08:45Yeah, that's great.
08:47Can I ask you some questions?
08:49OK.
08:54Me own questions.
08:59Will there be a uniform?
09:01I've always wanted a job with a uniform.
09:03Oh, yeah, yeah, I'll be ordering that quite soon.
09:06And it'll have a gold piping, probably.
09:08Where?
09:10Oh, here, at the top of the arms, and here.
09:13Great.
09:15Pockets, too. Substantial pockets.
09:19Will we be working in shifts?
09:21No, just a uniform.
09:25Right. So when shall I start?
09:27Well, there's no time like the present.
09:30How about Tuesday?
09:33What are your rules on smoking?
09:38Well, I think they can do it if they do it quietly, don't you?
09:43LAUGHTER
09:46So where do you want to go and see them?
09:48Oh, you know me.
09:50Anything with terrorists holding a building hostage.
09:53Or one of your other favourites, Lethal Cop Buddy Car Chase 3.
09:57What about you?
09:59You're only interested if it was made in China or using a piece of string.
10:03Or if everyone's called Old Sausage
10:05and spends the whole film wearing they've got the wrong hat on.
10:08What about that new one, Red Beans?
10:11Red Beans? What's that?
10:13The story of some Chinese people who grow beans, is it?
10:16Yes, actually.
10:19It's all the same to you. I'll wait for Red Beans 2.
10:22And it continues.
10:26Parp him, go on.
10:28No.
10:29Parp him! He deserves a parping.
10:32He's waiting for that other car to move.
10:36What do you think it's there for?
10:38It's there for emergencies and to alert stray sheep.
10:42Hold on.
10:44Do you beep?
10:46Um...
10:48Yes, sorry.
10:49Why?
10:50Why?
10:51Why?!
10:52Um, Gary?
10:54I've got a crowbar in the back of my car.
10:56I'm going to bring it over here and shove it through your window.
10:59Don't you pull it up when I'm talking to you!
11:02Will you listen to me?!
11:04We could cut down Sunnyside.
11:07I said, don't come and talk to me!
11:09Or we could go up Lexington, which I believe is now a one-way road.
11:20Thanks, Gary.
11:22I'm sorry, did you say something?
11:24It's fine.
11:26Do you want to be a wimp?
11:28What?
11:30No, it's fine. He's gone now.
11:33Did you say wimp?
11:35Yeah.
11:36When you do the parping and then you leave me to get it sorted out,
11:39you should have told that bloke to get lost.
11:41So I'm a wimp?
11:42OK, drive after him.
11:44If you want me to beat him up, I'll beat him up.
11:47OK.
11:49Yes, I'm a guy, that's what we do.
11:51You chicks are the first to complain if your bloke gets into a fight,
11:54but apparently we're all wimps if we turn the other cheek.
11:57It's OK.
11:59He's gone.
12:05He's gone.
12:27I'm not a coward.
12:28No-one said you were!
12:30I was playing it cool, like Clint Eastwood in The Unforgiven.
12:33Yeah, well, the way Dorothy described it,
12:35you're more like Bernard Breslau in Carry On Camping.
12:38What?!
12:39I'm not knocking it, mate.
12:41We all lose our bottle sometimes, don't we?
12:43I have not lost my bottle! I can show it to you, I've still got it!
12:46Why is nobody looking me in the eyes?
12:49I've been in fights!
12:51I know, most of them with me.
12:53Proper fights, with nosebleeds!
12:56All right, Gary, whatever.
12:58Anyway, I thought there was supposed to be sexual equality these days.
13:00Oh, exactly.
13:02I'm going to smash that in the mid-forehead.
13:04Don't be silly, Gary.
13:06What's this? This fork? I'll put it right through my hand.
13:09I'm not afraid, I've done it before.
13:11Not intentionally.
13:12No, not intentionally, but...
13:14Look, Gary, for the last time,
13:16you behaved in completely the correct way.
13:18Absolutely, mate. There's no shame in what you did.
13:21Or didn't, in this case.
13:23See? I've got to buy some papers.
13:25What? He never buys papers!
13:27You've turned him against me! You've brought dishonour upon me!
13:31Dishonour?
13:32I'm sorry, did we take a wrong turning last night and end up in Sicily?
13:36Bloke! Dishonour!
13:38We live by a very complicated code, you know.
13:41We don't even know what the rules are ourselves.
13:43Apart from the one about not drinking Malibu in pubs.
13:47So admit it, come on.
13:48You think I should have done more to protect you.
13:51OK, I suppose, yes.
13:53What?
13:54Well, if that's the way you want to play it,
13:56it's not easy being a bloke in the 1990s, you know.
14:00Yeah.
14:04Ow! Ow!
14:19I've got a crowbar in the back of my car.
14:23You hold up, mate, or I'll push your head so far down your neck
14:26you won't be able to...
14:28Well, it won't be nice, anyway. See those?
14:31Hello? Yes, I'd like to book someone.
14:33Yeah, no, not a Gorillagram.
14:35Stripping social worker, very funny.
14:38Fat blokeagram. Nice one.
14:40Look, would you just listen?
14:43I'd like to hire a large man.
14:46I'll ignore that.
14:48I'd like to hire a large man to threaten and abuse me in public
14:52and then I, in a scene reminiscent of Death Wish,
14:54now, I don't know if you saw that,
14:56step in and, with immense bravery,
14:58on second thoughts, I'll change that to
15:00kitchen table in the 115 at Haydock Park
15:02with a double unbounded mistress in the five-whippet's handicap space.
15:07You all right?
15:10Oh. Come here.
15:27Bit slow.
15:29That's normal.
15:30Yeah, it's the quarter past one lull.
15:32It's a well-known catering phenomenon.
15:34No-one's ever explained it.
15:35Oh.
15:39Maybe we should entice people in.
15:42What, you mean sort of standing at the door and go in?
15:47Yeah.
15:48Or invite as many people as you like.
15:50Yeah.
15:51Yeah.
15:52Yeah.
15:53Yeah.
15:54Yeah.
15:55Or invite a celebrity to come and open the pub.
15:58Yeah, I've got a mate who used to deliver milk to Simon Le Bon.
16:01Yeah?
16:02Yeah.
16:03And what does he have?
16:04Um, well, he used to have a pint of semi-skimmed milk
16:06and then it went up to two pints after he had a hit with All She Wants Is
16:09and apparently now he has an extra weekly cut of cheese.
16:12So we get Simon Le Bon, then?
16:16No, that's not it.
16:22Oh, hi.
16:23Hi, Debs.
16:24You're working here now?
16:25Yeah.
16:26Judy, this is Tony.
16:28Hi, Judy.
16:29I'm Ken, or Kenneth.
16:31I'm the new landlord.
16:32Hi, Debs.
16:33I'm Ken, or Kenneth.
16:35I'm the new landlord.
16:40Drinks?
16:42Yes, please, Ken.
16:45We'll do all sorts.
16:47Have you tried beer?
16:49Yes.
16:51Well, I'll leave Tony to sort out the drinks, then.
16:53Tony?
16:55OK, Ken.
16:57Is he all right?
17:02Public house to Tony.
17:04Oh, sorry.
17:06I'll have an orange juice.
17:08I'll have half a lager.
17:09Right.
17:12So, how are you two lesbians?
17:15Ladies.
17:17Are you sleeping with Debra?
17:20Are you sleeping in the same flat as Debra at the same time on whatever basis?
17:25Yes, just for a few days.
17:28What kind of things do you get up to?
17:31Oh, you know, just running around together.
17:34Naked?
17:37Naked?
17:38I'm sorry, Debs.
17:40I'm sorry.
17:42Naked?
17:43I'm sorry, I've got this disease.
17:45It makes me say the wrong word.
17:49What's it called?
17:52I don't know.
17:55I live underneath Debra.
17:57Oh, lucky you.
17:58Must be nice and warm.
18:03Do you eat food?
18:06Why?
18:08I was wondering if you'd be interested in going out with me one evening for a meal or something?
18:13Not really.
18:15Any particular reason?
18:18Just a question of taste, I suppose.
18:20OK.
18:21Your lifestyle choice.
18:27That'll be £1.60.
18:38£1.60.
18:46Oh, no.
18:48Has that mouse come back?
18:49No.
18:54Tony, if you're so obsessed, why don't you just go upstairs and ask them if they're sleeping together?
18:59I can't.
19:01It's a private thing between the two of them.
19:05You know this paranoia Gary's got?
19:07Oh, what, the one about being on the tube in the rush hour
19:09and people hanging onto his ears to stop them falling over?
19:12No, no, about fighting, how he wants to prove himself all the time.
19:15Oh.
19:16Has he talked to you about it?
19:18No.
19:19What do you two talk about all the time?
19:22I know it sounds silly, but, well, sometimes I get jealous of your little chats.
19:28Well, it varies, you know.
19:31I mean, last night we talked about how two days a year they should open up the Channel Tunnel
19:35and make it into a sort of massive bowling alley.
19:40Then we talked about how great it must be to have breasts, but what a responsibility.
19:47It's quite a recurring theme, actually.
19:49And then we talked about how on TV they don't read the news standing up,
19:53and if they did, would they wear special trousers?
19:58You should join in one of our little chats one day, Dorothy.
20:01Can I get back to you on that, Tony?
20:03Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
20:05I can hear panting.
20:10Oh, no, that's me.
20:15Why are you so interested?
20:17Well, it's two women, isn't it?
20:21It's a bit sexy, a bit different and a bit sexy.
20:26And the idea that you might actually catch them at it,
20:28naked, smothered in vegetable oil.
20:32And they'll say,
20:33Come on, Tony, come and join in, we're not really, really definite, we only like women.
20:38And I'll pretend to be a bit nervous at first,
20:40but eventually they'll manage to coax me onto the bed
20:42amongst all the little bits of white underwear they've discarded.
20:49I don't know, I haven't really thought about it.
20:52Obviously.
20:54Will you help me down?
20:56Yeah, sure.
20:58Tony!
21:05You all right, Ben?
21:06Oh, yeah.
21:12You should have seen me on the tube today.
21:15I sat opposite this really big bloke and stared him out.
21:21Did you laugh? That's good.
21:23You could smell the fear in that carriage.
21:25Smell? Lovely.
21:27Dorothy, I thought we might go for a drink down at the Crown tonight, about eight?
21:31You can, there's something I want to watch on telly.
21:33What?
21:34A documentary about the NHS.
21:36Well, we could tape it, I'd like to watch it too,
21:38the old NHS, health issues, fascinating.
21:41No, I don't really feel like the Crown tonight.
21:43Yes, you do.
21:44I'm working behind the bar tonight, Dorothy.
21:46I might be able to slip you a peanut.
21:48It'll be fun, I can tell you the new joke I've been working on.
21:51Ben said he might open a tin of cocktail sausages and put them out in a bowl.
21:56And after I've had a few drinks and can't speak properly,
21:58we'll have a sing-song round the jukebox.
22:00I think I'm just going to go to my room for a little cry.
22:10Evening.
22:11Hi.
22:12Can I help?
22:13Yeah, I thought I could smell burning.
22:16What sort of burning?
22:18Do you know, sort of a burny smell of burntness?
22:22Burnt things that are burnt.
22:25Well, I'm pretty sure it's not us.
22:32Shall I come in and check your rooms anyway?
22:34No, it's fine, if you see any flames, I'll call you.
22:36OK.
22:40Ah!
22:44What?
22:45So, no burning, then?
22:47Yes, I'm on fire still, never mind.
22:50Ah, brilliant.
22:53Can I borrow some vegetable oil?
23:00So, how's your friend Judy enjoying her stay?
23:03Fine, I think.
23:05Oh, we're out of vegetable oil.
23:11So, she's not been too lonely, then, in the spare room?
23:15Or is she sleeping in your bed?
23:17I don't think that's any interest of yours, do you?
23:20Oh, yeah, I am interested.
23:23Hi.
23:24Hi.
23:28Well, anything else you want to borrow?
23:30Vinegar, half a banana?
23:32Yeah, some elastoplast.
23:38Well, I hope I didn't disturb you up here.
23:43Why? What were you doing?
23:45Well, your spare room is directly above my room,
23:49and I was playing bongos till three in the morning.
23:53That's all right, I was sleeping with Deb in her bed.
23:59Why were you playing bongos till three?
24:07Mongos.
24:10What?
24:11Can I just say that if you and Deb are looking for a man
24:16to join in your sex play,
24:18I'm standing by to assist in any way.
24:34Yeah, so, waiting by the bar,
24:36wearing a black leather jacket and a red neckerchief.
24:39He's got a sinus problem, so don't hit him in the nose.
24:42OK.
24:43How's Dad?
24:45Anyway, I think I'd better be going now.
24:47Dorothy's dragging me down the pub.
24:50Bye.
24:51In your dreams.
25:03Let's sit here.
25:04I don't want to sit here.
25:05You'll be all right.
25:06Yeah, OK, fine.
25:07I'll get the drinks.
25:10What have you been doing to your face?
25:12Tearing an elastoplast off it.
25:15Lose yourself?
25:18I'm ready.
25:19What's up with you?
25:21Nothing, what's up with you?
25:23I said, what's up with you?
25:25Listen, mate, I've just come in here
25:27for a quiet conversation with me lovely girlfriend.
25:30Quiet conversation? With those ears?
25:34Steady on, mate.
25:36Where did you get them?
25:38Massive ear sale.
25:41No, I'm serious, mate, lay off the ears.
25:52I thought you said you had a lovely girlfriend.
26:03Look, if you're going to fight, can you, er...
26:05Do it outside.
26:07Gary.
26:08Dorothy, don't, I'll do what I've got to do.
26:10Yes, I know, I was just going to remind you to hit him.
26:14Listen, mate, when you insult my girlfriend,
26:17you insult me.
26:20What's that?
26:22I don't know.
26:38All right, all right, all right, all right.
26:41Your show's over.
26:51I think I've proved my point. Let's go, Dorothy, shall we?
26:57Ow!
26:59Oh, my God.
27:04Have you ever noticed on telly people never go into a room,
27:08forget why they're there, and so leave?
27:11Shut up, mate.
27:15She's going to take that T-shirt off any minute now.
27:18Oh, it's coming off, it's coming off.
27:22Ow, she's put a card here.
27:25At last, Dominic gets his pants off.
27:29That is gratuitous. Disgusting.
27:34Hey, did you see the way I slid that chair back with one swift move,
27:37aiming at the big guy's solar plexus?
27:39Gary, we all think you're very brave,
27:41but do we have to hear about your fight every eight minutes?
27:43Yeah, but he's gone down and he's whimpering a bit,
27:45little groans, you know... Oh, shut up!
27:47Oh, God.
27:49So, Debs, any plans to see Judy?
27:54No, I expect so.
27:56She mentioned that you were sleeping in the same bed.
28:01Mm, the heating wasn't working properly.
28:03Oh, I see.
28:05And you know us girls, we had so much to talk about.
28:08Seemed like a good place to chat.
28:10That's true.
28:11I mean, it's a good place to talk,
28:13but it's not a good place to talk.
28:15Seemed like a good place to chat.
28:17That's true.
28:18And anyhow, how are we going to make love
28:20if we're in separate beds?
28:22Sorry! What?!
28:24Debs!
28:25I love you so much!
28:27We could take a picture!
28:45¶¶¶