First broadcast 8th September 1992.
Dermot has moved out of the flat, so Gary starts searching for a new flatmate.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Ian Lindsay ... George
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Dave Atkins ... Les
Peter Geeves ... Large Man
Cindy Shelley ... Chatty Woman
Simon Nye ... Catatonic Man
Michael McNally ... Geordie
Michael Hobbs ... Normal Man
Dermot has moved out of the flat, so Gary starts searching for a new flatmate.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Ian Lindsay ... George
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Dave Atkins ... Les
Peter Geeves ... Large Man
Cindy Shelley ... Chatty Woman
Simon Nye ... Catatonic Man
Michael McNally ... Geordie
Michael Hobbs ... Normal Man
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00You
00:30You
01:00I
01:30Love about going out with you Gary. It's an endless orgy of glamour and entertainment Dorothy's usual, please let
01:48Refresh my memory
01:51Vodka in a chipped glass with the dribble of flat tonic and an aftertaste of cigarette ash. Yeah, I remember now
02:00I've had some bad news had a postcard from Dermot. He's not coming back
02:06I've fallen in love with a croupier called Letizia
02:11Going around the world on her Yamaha
02:16Yeah, it's a motorbike
02:19Send my Polynesian love balls and other important items to my mum
02:24Sell everything else my sauce pans etc to cover what I owe you
02:30Generous of it. Yeah, well it would be if his possessions weren't worth precisely 16 pounds and 47 pence. What does he owe you?
02:39862 quid
02:41Whether lovely Rimini has a body shop. Oh, oh
02:46Donkey
02:48Having sex with another donkey
02:51Why doesn't anybody offer to take me around the world they know they'd have a crap time
02:56I've been writing an ad for the newspaper
03:00No, you'll only use as an excuse for a cheap log. You always do
03:10Looks fine
03:13You don't think jacuzzi is pushing it a bit do you
03:15Why you haven't got one?
03:17No
03:18But if you wish the shower attachment in and when you're in the bath, it's just like it honestly
03:22Don't you think you should put bath with shower attachment? You can would drowned a bit
03:26too many words
03:28Yeah
03:29I'll tell you how you can get a jacuzzi when you're in the bath
03:35Let's are you gonna say what I think you're gonna say
03:45You see I don't attract the wrong sort of person
03:48No
03:49Marjorie and I talked about taking lodgers in but she was scared. They'd be congestion on the stairs
03:56God, yeah scary
03:59So we thought about
04:01Letting out the room downstairs next to our living room. Isn't that your kitchen George? Yes
04:09I think that's why we decided against it in the end
04:14Anyway, these questions should weed out any unsuitable candidates who asked me one. All right
04:21Are you working at the moment?
04:24That's a tricky one, isn't it?
04:27Try another one. Are you very likely to bring a lot of young women into my home quite likely or not very likely at all
04:36Sorry another tricky one. What is the capital of Tanzania Dar es Salaam? Who is it?
04:47Is that relevant of course it is George hopefully we're gonna be having stimulating chats. I don't want mr. Stupid fluttering up my sofa
04:56I
05:04Resist display of petulance going to last I'm just asking for a decent pay rise
05:09It's the same for me, but I earn a pittance. I think you'll find it's the industry standard pittance
05:14Well, it isn't fair. It isn't a farewell down theory
05:18If it was I'd be shacked up with my 17 year old niece, wouldn't I?
05:22I'm sorry, but I've started to work to rule
05:32Have you let this one go out down there
05:42So you send out a letter to a major client that ends give the slimy get the usual fob off
05:50Yours were the deepest contempt blah blah George. Do you have to poke around in your ears while I'm dictating?
05:58You're dead meat, Anthea
06:06And are you working at the moment? Yeah bit of this bit of that
06:15Bit of this
06:17Bit of that bit of the other
06:27Well, it looks all right to me, where's your toilet there isn't one
06:34I said no way am I paying any of this? I don't even know anyone in Canada
06:37I probably ring my homeopath once a week
06:39That's all and I knew they were drinking my milk because I put a bar a mark on the inside of the carton
06:44It was always me who ended up buying the toilet rolls
06:46Even though I use less than anyone else because well tell you all about that when I'm moving
06:50Okay, so I cry my teeth. I mean so what it just means I'm a little bit wound up
06:54Don't you get wound up sometimes never actually hurt anyone even if I do fly off the handle when people mention certain things
07:00I mean, I think I'm completely reasonable. Don't you think I'm reasonable? I think I'm reasonable anyway coat hanners
07:05Have you got any because I could bring my own but I'm a bit superstitious about wardrobes. I can win my own bedding
07:10That's absolutely no problem
07:15Okay, never mind, we'll try another one
07:22What's the capital of Tanzania
07:27Just nod if you can hear me
07:31I'll leave it there. I've been talking to a wife at the top of the road
07:33She said you've got a room available accommodation late, you know, so I thought I'd pop do another look
07:37Um, you're Gary. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I knew you
07:40Sorry, I'm sorry. I'm looking for somebody with English as their first language. Thank you
07:46No, I can't think of any irritating habits offhand you don't like clean between your toes with a sofa cushion or anything
07:53We do something like that
07:56Well Dermot actually my last flatmate. He did that. I shared with someone used to dry his underwear out in the microwave
08:01I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry
08:06I shared with someone used to dry his underwear out in the microwave
08:10Dermot just used to wait till he had enough stains and then brush them off
08:17Well, we seem to get on pretty well
08:19Do you have a girlfriend?
08:20Yes
08:21I don't have one at the moment. I was wondering would you let her watch while I stroked my nipples?
08:32So how many people have you seen?
08:35Three socially inadequate three psychopaths a man with a big dog and my mother
08:41And the eight people who turned you down I don't want a psychopath living downstairs
08:46I quite like the psychopaths my mother who scared me
08:50Look if you really want to find someone try and be more charming
08:54I've been charming. I've shown them everything in the flat
08:57Yes, and don't ever knock on my door again at midnight with a man in a tank top and refer to me as a feature
09:05He couldn't come any earlier he'd been out Morris dancing
09:14Is this the flat with the room to that yes, who are you Tony Tony you should have come last week?
09:19Yeah, I lost a bit of paper with the address on it. Oh, well, I don't know what happened
09:25Because I'm good sort of feel a bit of paper in there, you know, hi
09:29So
09:31I tried to work it out through me lining out of an armhole and that didn't work
09:34So I ended up undoing a lot of the seams with a pair of blunt scissors, which took
09:38Ages and well there it was
09:41What an old bus ticket?
09:45Found the address down the back of the sofa
09:48Shall I come in again?
09:50This is Tony. Hi
09:52This is Deborah. She lives in the flat upstairs, but I'm working on it
09:58That's just me being funny
10:00And this is Dorothy my sort of girlfriend
10:02Thanks Gary
10:04Have a seat
10:06What do you do Tony?
10:08I'm in the music business
10:10Do you know Barry White?
10:14No
10:17Anyway, this is the procedure we'll be following
10:19I'll start by introducing you to the key fixtures and facilities and then I'll be offering you the beverage of your choice while asking
10:24You a series of simple questions
10:27Get on with it Gary
10:29Well, as you can see, this is the living room with its useful u-shaped seating amenity
10:34And up here is the extensive glassware facility
10:36Bit of an heirloom there, Tony
10:38So no touchy-touchy
10:40Now these are handy units, aren't they?
10:42Oh
10:44Nice pots
10:45Yes, yes, yes
10:46Plenty of potware useful for cooking and so on
10:48Now the cutlery goes in here in the drawer for cutlery
10:52There's the mantelpiece
10:53Yes, that's useful for mantelware
10:55Yeah, I think it could be at home here
10:57Oh, moving on
10:58Into the bathroom
10:59I'll show you how to work the jacuzzi later
11:07Well, he seems very nice
11:09I don't know
11:10He's not as ideal as Dermot, is he?
11:12You said Dermot was about as much fun to live with his nose hair
11:17People aren't exactly pleading to move in, are they?
11:21Maybe I should re-advertise in the Times
11:23Oh, I see, that's the problem
11:25He's not professional enough for you
11:27I'm just concerned that we should be able to communicate at a sophisticated level
11:32What, like your conversations with Dermot, you mean?
11:34Two hours on whether small pointy breasts are better than large roundy ones
11:39Exactly
11:41It's pure snobbery
11:43Just because he sells records
11:45It isn't
11:46I'd have just as many doubts if he owned his own record company
11:49Well, maybe he does
11:50He left a card
11:51Tony's Smart Records Limited
11:54Oh
11:55Well, I'm sure he'll fit in very nicely
11:58I'm sorry, I forgot me bag
12:00I'm glad you came back, Tony
12:01Welcome aboard
12:02Oh, cheers
12:04Well, I'll turn up tomorrow, shall I? About eight-ish
12:06Don't you have to give any notice?
12:08Yeah, you're right
12:09Better make it nearer nine
12:12I'm sorry about all the questions earlier, you know
12:14You can't be too careful these days
12:15Oh, that's all right
12:16You've got to check I'm not weird or anything, haven't you?
12:18Get a seat, Tivvy
12:19What have you got in here?
12:20Oh, it's a mate of mine, owns a butcher's
12:22And he had this pig's head left over
12:25Yeah!
12:26Says the eyes explode if you do it in a microwave
12:34Oh, there it is
12:51Oh, really? Grow up, Dermot
12:59I'll be one at last we meet
13:03Nice action
13:05Oh
13:18I'd stay and show you how everything works
13:20Only I'm a bit late for work, actually
13:21That's all right, I'll find me way about
13:23I've been going through Dermot's stuff
13:24Have a look, see if there's anything you like
13:26I know he'd want his condom gift set to go to a good home
13:28Oh, thanks
13:30So, what was he like then?
13:31Oh, he was all right
13:32We got on pretty well
13:34Actually, Tony, to be perfectly honest
13:35Between you and me
13:36I find him a little bit hard to take seriously sometimes
13:38Yes
13:39Right, see you later
13:52Get up, you rosy bastard!
13:55You rosy bastard!
14:02Vroom!
14:08May the force be with you
14:18Ah
14:19Vroom!
14:27Having a great time
14:28in spite of riding a Yamaha into a yacht
14:32Yack
14:33Istanbul has a WH Smith, love Dermot and Leticia
14:37P.S. unless there's spaghetti in my room
14:38you might as well throw it away
14:46U-shaped seating immunity
14:51No touchy-touchy
14:59Oh, you've arrived then
15:00Yeah
15:01Come in
15:05Not interrupting anything, am I?
15:07Oh, no
15:08I was just smashing up a load of glasses
15:12Coffee
15:13Oh, thanks
15:15So, where's the kettle?
15:17Well, they always used to use the hot tap
15:21Oh, I see
15:22Oh, I see
15:23Oh, I see
15:24Oh, I see
15:25Oh, I see
15:26Oh, I see
15:28Oh I see
15:39So, how long have you guys know each other?
15:41Oh, since I moved in a couple of months ago
15:45He's been very kind
15:46Yeah, he seems very …
15:47Well not exactly kind
15:49More irritating
15:52But he did help me out though
15:53when my boy friend got a bit violent
15:55Oh, well that is kind
15:56headbutt him. So, what happened to your boyfriend? Well, he got a bit of a bruise up here. No,
16:05I mean, are you still together? Oh, no. What about you? Oh, I'm hopeless. I mean, I meet
16:15a girl, it seems to be going well, and then it just all goes wrong. Do you know why? I
16:21think I'm shy. I suppose I just need a woman to take me and show me the ropes. I shouldn't
16:30worry. Women are supposed to be attracted to vulnerable men. Do you really think so?
16:37K. K. K. George, where's the K? I don't know. Have you tried looking in the manual? Well,
16:48there's got to be one here somewhere. I've seen Anthea using it. Well, it's got a C. I'll use
16:52that. You sure Dermot shouldn't have these back? Those possibly, yes. Modern clothes are very snug
17:05around the groin, aren't they? Mmm. When I was a young man, I could get a side of beef down my
17:12trousers. Not that I tried, of course. Well, only the once. Maybe a jumper would be more you,
17:19George. No, no. I'm starting to get used to these. You've taken a while on that letter,
17:30haven't you? Just being thorough, George. It's a pretty pathetic boss who can't get a little bit
17:36of typing every now and again, isn't it? Isn't it time you patched up this dispute with Anthea?
17:45No. Not until she starts to work properly. The sooner she stops acting childishly,
17:50the sooner I put the wheels back on her typing chair. But we've always worked so well together.
17:55Listen, George, I've offered her a modest but fair pay increase, and what does she do? She
18:01deliberately spends three hours typing a short memo. It's quicker than you. I know it's quicker
18:04than me, but that's not the point, is it? I think you made matters worse by taking the bulb out of
18:14her angle poise and confiscating her biscuits. Merely sticking to CBI guidelines, George. Right,
18:26let's get this over with. Anthea, can you spare a moment? We need to sort this out.
18:37Now, there comes a time in industrial relations when a little compromise is needed. Yes. Well,
18:50Anthea, I've tried to compromise, but you haven't, so I'm going to lock you in the stationery cupboard.
18:55Normally, I wouldn't do this, you understand, Anthea, but there's a recession on. But I haven't
19:02done anything wrong. Ah, no, that's just what Goebbels said, isn't it? Only in German, of course.
19:08Firm but fair, George. Firm but fair. So, what do you think of Deborah, eh? And that's not being sexist,
19:27you understand? No, no, no. I helped straighten things out between her and her boyfriend,
19:33actually. I heard, yeah. I think that whole business hurt her quite a bit. Well, me too,
19:41come to think of it. We've all been hurt that way some time or other, though, haven't we? Oh,
19:45God, yes, terribly hurt. I mean, women just don't understand that men suffer, too, and...
19:48And that can affect our ability to thing. Yeah. Yeah. I've just had to dump a girlfriend. Oh,
20:00that's never easy, is it? No. Rang her up today. Told her I moved in with Deborah. Nice, nice. At
20:09least that way she knows she's been chucked for a good reason. Oh, yeah, yeah. I told her I agonised
20:12for ages, but in the end, Deborah's got a sports car. How'd she take it? Dunno. Tempe ran out.
20:30So, what about you and Dorothy? Oh, well, we've been going out for a couple of years now. I mean,
20:35that's good, isn't it? That's commitment. Oh, God, yes, commitment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't
20:41know when women get the idea that men are frightened of committing themselves. We tell
20:45them. Oh, yeah, yeah. Where is Dorothy? She's in the bath. She'll probably ask me to hop in in a
20:54bit. She gives a great soaping, Dorothy does. So, Tony, has Gary sapped all your life spirit,
21:03alienated your friends and made you want to strangle him with an electric flex yet? No. No,
21:08no. You haven't been going out with him for three years, have you? Bit of the old banter, eh?
21:14Answer that. So, why did you leave your old place? Trouble with the landlord. I think he
21:27wanted us all out. Tenants get a rough deal sometimes, don't they? Yeah, I'm not surprised,
21:31really, though. I hadn't paid the rent for three years. Hi. Oh, hi. Drink, Deborah? No,
21:39thanks. I can't stay. I've got a lot to do. Oh, go on. Okay. What's the book? Oh,
21:45How to Overcome Shyness and Form New Relationships. My mother gave it to me. She
21:52thinks women who aren't married by the age of 25 are psychologically disturbed. Thanks. Oh,
21:57God, let's all be sensitive and complicated, shall we? Just because you're insensitive doesn't mean
22:03Tony has to be. I found this on the mat. I don't understand. It's addressed to Tony and Deborah.
22:09Deborah, the next time you seduce someone's boyfriend, don't pick a lying moron who A,
22:21tries to pull your sister, B, borrows your money to get you a present and buys himself a tortoise,
22:26and C, who dumps you for some tart with a sports car. Tony, I have left your guitar
22:35outside together with a surprise for you both. How disappointing. Well, um, Deborah...
22:56You want to wash that off before it stains your upholstery?