First broadcast 20th November 1997.
The two couples go on a camping weekend but whilst Deborah and Tony are in love Dorothy and Gary are decidedly short with each other, a situation not helped because Dorothy has forced Gary to give up smoking.
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Jeff Nuttall ... Mr. Wadey
Alisdair Simpson ... Jim
Hugo Speer ... Tony 2
The two couples go on a camping weekend but whilst Deborah and Tony are in love Dorothy and Gary are decidedly short with each other, a situation not helped because Dorothy has forced Gary to give up smoking.
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Jeff Nuttall ... Mr. Wadey
Alisdair Simpson ... Jim
Hugo Speer ... Tony 2
Category
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TVTranscript
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04:40Hello.
04:42We're renting the caravan for the weekend.
04:45Are you Mr. Wadey, the farmer?
04:47No, I'm Mr. Wadey, the supermodel.
04:49Oh, I'm glad to see you're experimenting with irony down here in the country.
04:53LAUGHTER
04:55Take that.
04:57LAUGHTER
04:59Er, could you talk us through the facilities, please?
05:03Well, a caravan's for staying in the grass and sitting and running on.
05:07That's it, is it?
05:09Do you like pony trekking?
05:11Oh, yeah.
05:12Well, you've come about 300 miles in the wrong direction.
05:15I'm sorry, are you familiar with the expression service provider?
05:19Are you familiar with the expression ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha?
05:26What are you so happy about?
05:28Oh, we've just started having sex.
05:30LAUGHTER
05:33No, I don't mean right now, I mean generally.
05:36LAUGHTER
05:40Oh, it's a funny thing, they say.
05:42Everybody's staying in this caravan to be blessed with a long, happy love life.
05:46Oh, really?
05:48No, he's just making conversation.
05:50LAUGHTER
05:53LAUGHTER
06:02LAUGHTER
06:07LAUGHTER
06:13Do you know, smoking that cigarette will take two minutes off your life.
06:17Well, what can you do in two minutes?
06:19Especially at that age.
06:21LAUGHTER
06:24Also, imagine getting married and not having seen your girlfriend naked.
06:28She could have something really weird,
06:30like a giant pointy belly button or something.
06:32Leave it, Tony. Stop it, enough.
06:35It's good.
06:36Have you tried nicotine patches?
06:38Yeah, I got through an entire packet licking off the nicotine.
06:42LAUGHTER
06:44Mr Will Power.
06:46What? I can give up anything you like.
06:48All right, give up smoking, then.
06:50Spitting, swearing...
06:51Smoking.
06:52I can give it up.
06:53Carrots, masturbation...
06:54Smoking?
06:55LAUGHTER
06:56Yeah, smoking.
06:57All right, there you go.
07:01Do you want to finish your last two?
07:03No.
07:04All right.
07:05We'll just put them up here, shall we?
07:08Put them where you like.
07:10When I give something up, I give something up.
07:12It's a one-way street called Gary's Giving Up Street.
07:15LAUGHTER
07:17Oh, look, we forgot the milk. Shall we ask the farmer?
07:19Yeah, all right, love.
07:21Excuse me.
07:23Excuse me.
07:31LAUGHTER
07:40I'd better go with Gary, or he might try and take Mr Wadey hostage.
07:43Oh, all right, then. Bye, love.
07:45Bye.
07:46Bye, now.
07:47Don't talk to any strange men.
07:49Oh, except Gary.
07:53Oh, I love her.
07:55I keep finding out new things about her.
07:59She's got a little mole.
08:01Really? Where does she keep it?
08:03LAUGHTER
08:05No, a mole like a freckle.
08:07Oh.
08:08In a tucked-away place.
08:10I waited five long years to see that mole,
08:13and now I can see it whenever I want.
08:16Old moley.
08:18The Mole Man.
08:20LAUGHTER
08:22I always forget, you're quite odd, aren't you, Tony?
08:24LAUGHTER
08:26Dorothy, how can you tell when a woman's faking an orgasm?
08:30I don't know. How can you tell when a woman's faking an orgasm?
08:34No, I want to know. How can you tell?
08:38Oh.
08:40Well, a woman doesn't always have to have an orgasm, Tony.
08:43No, but it is nice, isn't it?
08:45Oh, yes, it's nice.
08:47Otherwise it'd be like buying a donut and finding there's no jam in it.
08:51LAUGHTER
08:53Yes, it is.
08:55Or pulling a cracker and not getting the hat.
08:58Yes, it's like no hat.
09:01So does her face go all red?
09:03What?
09:04Does a woman's face go all red when she has a bona fide orgasm?
09:08I think it varies from woman to woman.
09:13So, um, what would be the average redness?
09:17Tony, I don't know. I haven't slept with as many women as you have.
09:21Yeah, good point, yeah.
09:23What about heavy breathing? Should I be looking out for that?
09:27Tony, if you're worried, I think you should talk to Deborah.
09:33Will you ask her?
09:35LAUGHTER
09:38I think you should ask her yourself.
09:40Mm.
09:42HE SIGHS
09:44LAUGHTER
09:58Hi. Hello.
10:00We wondered if you had any milk.
10:02I'm all right for milk.
10:05LAUGHTER
10:07No, we wanted to buy some milk off you. Is that possible?
10:11Straight from the cow or whatever.
10:17You can pour it back into a cup if you like.
10:19It'd be quicker directly from the bottle.
10:21LAUGHTER
10:24A lot of people who lived in the country didn't lock their doors.
10:28Ah, well, I'm a miserable bastard.
10:31That'll be a pound.
10:33A pound? That's a bit much, isn't it?
10:35You wouldn't save that
10:37if you'd had to park your combine harvester in sideways car park.
10:43What?
10:49Shush, five pound a pack.
10:57WHISTLE BLOWS
10:59Oh.
11:01Hi. Oh.
11:03Oh.
11:05Oh, yeah.
11:09LAUGHTER
11:11Oh, that's super.
11:13Super.
11:15LAUGHTER
11:19Oh.
11:21Oh, hello, Moley.
11:23LAUGHTER
11:26Er...
11:28What's that for?
11:32Opening the window.
11:38This little piggy went to market.
11:43This little piggy stayed at home.
11:46Oh!
11:48This little piggy...
11:50What did the third little piggy have?
11:52Roast beef. Roast beef!
11:54LAUGHTER
11:56This little piggy had none.
11:59Hey, wonder what none tastes like?
12:02Oh!
12:04I think I'm going to be sick.
12:06Oh, come on, you know what it's like when you first start going out together.
12:10You have to hump every 18 minutes.
12:12Why can't they do it quietly?
12:15Because they're having sex, not choosing a book in a library.
12:19We don't talk when we're doing it.
12:21We do. We don't.
12:23We once planned a whole holiday.
12:25LAUGHTER
12:27No, we didn't.
12:29Oh. Oh, must have just been me, then.
12:31LAUGHTER
12:33Now, that's great.
12:35Yeah. Down a bit. OK.
12:37Down a bit. Yeah.
12:39Down a bit. Yeah.
12:41Oh!
12:43Are you all right?
12:45Yeah, I just went down a little bit too far.
12:47Oh.
12:49LAUGHTER
12:56I like the pin.
12:58LAUGHTER
13:04LAUGHTER
13:14Ooh, Mrs...
13:16LAUGHTER
13:19LAUGHTER
13:22I can see you!
13:28It's good, isn't it?
13:30Sexual intercourse.
13:32LAUGHTER
13:37I hope the others didn't hear last night.
13:39I thought I heard Gary say,
13:41look out, Vlad the Impaler's going in again.
13:44Yeah. It's difficult to keep quiet, isn't it,
13:46when you're, you know, carried away?
13:48Yeah. Genuinely.
13:50LAUGHTER
13:52So, have you ever had a bloke and, like, exaggerated anything?
13:57I told my first boyfriend my mother was a police dog handler.
14:02Oh.
14:04Have you ever, like,
14:06pretended to be enjoying something more than you really were?
14:10Yes. Marrow.
14:12Oh. Marrow.
14:17Orgasms, eh?
14:19What's that all about?
14:21LAUGHTER
14:23If you had to describe one to an alien,
14:26you'd think you were making it up.
14:29You know, when we are actually...
14:31Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
14:33LAUGHTER
14:35Who's this?
14:37Dora Tree.
14:39LAUGHTER
14:41Hello.
14:43Hi. Hi.
14:46We just pitched our tent over there. We thought we'd come and say hello.
14:49Yeah. Oh, come in.
14:51I'm Jim and... Hi, I'm Tony.
14:53Huh? You can't be Tony. I'm Tony.
14:56LAUGHTER
14:58Oh. OK. So, er, what shall we call me?
15:03Tony Two.
15:07This is my girlfriend, Deborah. She's my girlfriend.
15:10Hi.
15:12Jim, my girlfriend. Tony Two, my girlfriend.
15:15Gary,
15:17Doo-Dop, Dorothy.
15:19Bless her. Bless her.
15:21We're going fishing in the river down there, if you'd like to join us.
15:25Oh, yes. No, thanks.
15:27Tony Two.
15:30No, thank you, but Gary and I want to spend a bit of time together this weekend.
15:34Oh, no, you go.
15:36Is the river supposed to be OK to swim in?
15:38Oh, there you go. You like a swim, don't you?
15:40Slip your little togs off, nobody minds.
15:44Um, maybe later, thanks.
15:46Right. Cheers, then.
15:48Yeah.
15:53What? What?
15:56Would you like to go for a walk?
15:58Do you know I would?
16:00Gary would love to come, but unfortunately he's got a headache.
16:04I am?
16:06Oh!
16:09Yes, I have.
16:13Oh!
16:17Oh!
16:43Oh!
17:14Oh!
17:26Oh!
17:39Oh!
17:41What was that?
17:44Oh, that's all right.
17:47Oh!
17:59Oh!
18:08Oh.
18:10Oh, yeah.
18:12Oh.
18:14That is brilliant.
18:17Brilliant, really.
18:20I thought you'd find it erotic.
18:22In that hotel in Crete when that couple were at it all night.
18:26You were stiff as a board.
18:29I know him too well. It's like listening to me parents do it.
18:33Really?
18:34When did your dad say,
18:36Don't stop, I feel like a king.
18:39I don't want to think about it.
18:41You're just grumpy cos you haven't had a cigarette.
18:43Oh, shut up.
18:49What?
18:51What?
18:52What did you say?
18:53Nothing.
18:54You said Jim.
18:56Why would I say Jim?
18:58That's that bloke's name.
19:00Oh, Tony, I said um.
19:02Oh. OK.
19:05Oh, Jim.
19:07Jim.
19:09Jim.
19:13That's very hurtful.
19:15I'm sorry.
19:17Oh.
19:34Oh.
19:53That's quite a nameable bastard.
20:04Oh.
20:10Bollocks.
20:26Hello.
20:27Sorry to not get you up.
20:30What do you think?
20:31We haven't really had a proper chat, have we?
20:33No.
20:35Well, perhaps another time.
20:37I was just wondering if I could buy a packet of cigarettes off you.
20:40No.
20:41Oh, go on.
20:44All right.
20:46Fifty quid.
20:47You greedy...
20:49All right.
20:51Fifty quid seems absolutely fair.
20:53Here's your money.
20:55I'll take a box of matches too, please.
20:59Oh, that'll be £20.
21:02Again, absolutely fair.
21:07All right.
21:09All right, all right, I'm going.
21:23Oh, very funny.
21:24Can I have one with some cigarettes in it now, please?
21:39Oh, for heaven's sakes, Gary, go and buy some cigarettes.
21:42No.
21:44There's a newsagent. Walk.
21:46It's only six miles.
21:47Not interested.
21:49How come you can't drive, Gary?
21:51Some people were born to drive
21:53and some people were born to be driven.
21:55Some people were born to be run over.
21:58Dorothy, you won't tell Gary and Debs
22:01what we were talking about yesterday, will you?
22:03That you sometimes pretend to be Captain Birdseye?
22:06No, no.
22:08About Debs, you know, faking it.
22:10Oh, no, no.
22:12Listen, by the way, I never asked you...
22:14Do you ever...
22:15Pretend to be Captain Birdseye? No.
22:17Oh, no, no, no, the old thing.
22:19You know that time when we had sex?
22:21Yeah.
22:22Did you...
22:24No.
22:25Oh, thanks.
22:26What, in two minutes?
22:27Who do you think I am, Meryl Streep?
22:29No, please, please.
22:31It's a joke, it's a joke, it's a joke.
22:34Morning.
22:35Hello.
22:36Hiya.
22:41Just in case you changed your mind about coming fishing with us.
22:44I had a really good day yesterday.
22:45Actually, that'd be nice.
22:47No, we can't. We're really busy.
22:49Doing what?
22:50I promised Mr Wadey
22:53I'd help him spread some muck.
22:56What?
22:57Listen, no problem, eh?
22:59We were just being sociable.
23:00Yeah.
23:01See ya.
23:02Bye.
23:03Cheers.
23:05Why have you got to be so jealous, Tony?
23:08Jealous?
23:10Yes, and I'm not going to tell you whether I fake my orgasms or not.
23:19You want to watch all that jealousy, Tony One?
23:23At least he doesn't tell his girlfriend to strip off
23:25and go swimming with two blokes.
23:27Oh, love, we're past all that jealousy stuff, aren't we?
23:30Anyway, it's one of the seven deadly sins.
23:33Jealousy, pride,
23:35gluttony, sleuth,
23:37bestiality, whatever.
23:39I'm not asking you to be jealous.
23:41I'm asking you not to take me for granted, for your own sake.
23:44Quite frankly, I'm taking as much for granted as I can get.
23:46It's an uncertain world out there.
23:48There are wasps, postal strikes,
23:51gum disease, ta-ta.
23:55Fine.
24:12Hello there!
24:14Oh, God.
24:18Hello.
24:20Hello.
24:26Red sky in the morning, shepherd's warning.
24:29Country wisdom. Brilliant.
24:33Red sky at night...
24:35Barn on fire, I hear it.
24:37I love all those, me.
24:40Ne'er cast a cloud before May's out.
24:42That's a good one. Meaning don't...
24:46I don't know what the meaning is.
24:49I expect you can fashion amazing things
24:52from all the natural paraphernalia all around.
24:55I can lash out my corn dolly if I have to.
24:58Of course you can.
25:00Of course you can.
25:03Do you know, at fox hunting,
25:05do the foxes ever gang up and chase the dogs?
25:09No?
25:11They should, shouldn't they?
25:13That would send shockwaves through the fox hunting community.
25:19DOOR OPENS
25:29Right, now.
25:31What can it be?
25:38What's that bird with the stumpy head?
25:42Oh, it's a chimney.
25:45Oh, that's a big...
25:47It's a big...
25:49It's a chicken.
25:52Oh.
25:59CHICKEN SQUAWKS
26:02CHICKEN SQUAWKS
26:14LAUGHTER
26:31LAUGHTER
26:47LAUGHTER
27:01LAUGHTER
27:05LAUGHTER
27:24LAUGHTER
27:32CHICKEN SQUAWKS
27:35LAUGHTER
27:48Oh.
27:50LAUGHTER
27:58Can I give you a lift anywhere?
28:00LAUGHTER
28:02APPLAUSE
28:20LAUGHTER