Have I Got News for You S69 E06
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00:30Good evening.
00:37Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:40I'm David Tennant.
00:41In the news this week, in Sydney,
00:43following the Australian Labour Party's surprise victory,
00:46the Culture Minister allows herself a small celebration.
00:49Dyson admits that their latest batch of hand dryers
01:01might need the power notching down a bit.
01:13That actually looks like the TARDIS.
01:14Yeah.
01:16It flies more smoothly.
01:18And in Leatherhead, hidden camera footage reveals to MI5
01:21how the network of Bulgarian spies were exchanging secret information.
01:25LAUGHTER
01:29On Ian's team tonight is a broadcast of the UK
01:33and the UK's TV show.
01:35And in Leatherhead, hidden camera footage reveals to MI5
01:38how the network of Bulgarian spies were exchanging secret information.
01:41LAUGHTER
01:44On Ian's team tonight is a broadcaster who admits
01:47that she is always ten minutes late for everything.
01:49So please welcome the host of Channel 4's news at ten past seven,
01:52Cathy Ewan.
01:53APPLAUSE
01:59On Paul's team tonight, a comedian and actor
02:01who recently appeared in a film with George Clooney.
02:04Acting opposite a global sex symbol was challenging.
02:07But in the end, Clooney managed to gabble out his language.
02:10LAUGHTER
02:11Please welcome Miles Jupp!
02:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:17So we begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:20Paul and Miles, here's yours.
02:21Yes.
02:22Oh, obviously Donald Trump and Keir Starmer.
02:25We're the first country that we've agreed to deal with.
02:28There's probably Keir Starmer and Donald Trump talking via
02:30the telephonic communications.
02:32Oh!
02:33And you've robbed the quiz element there.
02:34White smoke, new pope.
02:35LAUGHTER
02:36I believe might be the story on that one.
02:38So, yes, we've got a trade deal and there is a new pope,
02:41which I was extremely surprised that it wasn't me,
02:44cos I'd been led to believe that it would be me.
02:46LAUGHTER
02:47I've had the costume fitting and everything.
02:50LAUGHTER
02:51But apparently there's somebody else.
02:53Yes, indeed.
02:54It's the news that the long-awaited UK-US trade deal
02:57was rather gazumped by the election of a new pope.
03:00Yes.
03:01I mean, Starmer didn't seem to be aware that it was happening
03:03until about five minutes prior to it.
03:05LAUGHTER
03:06Yeah, but he doesn't know he lost the election.
03:08LAUGHTER
03:09And also, when Trump was pressing that button in the Oval Office,
03:12wasn't he just ordering a Coke, after all?
03:14Well, the other worst buttons he could be pressing.
03:16LAUGHTER
03:18So, I think, yes, Starmer sort of said that he got called
03:20watching Arsenal's Arsenal football team, North London,
03:23while watching a game that they were playing.
03:25I'm indebted to you.
03:26Thank you, Your Honour.
03:27LAUGHTER
03:28And so, yes, he got a call while he was watching the match,
03:30which he wasn't happy with.
03:31But, you know, it's very good that he didn't get a call the night
03:33before, because I happen to know he was at a romantic dinner
03:35with his wife, and I know because I was there too.
03:37Oh, really?
03:38Why?
03:39Really?
03:40That is romantic.
03:41How romantic was it?
03:42Yeah, yeah.
03:43Well, I was having a dinner with a contact.
03:45Yeah.
03:46And in walked Keir and his wife, Victoria.
03:48Yeah.
03:49And I was like, oh, this is interesting.
03:50Let them get on with it for a bit and then wandered over
03:52and had a chat.
03:53I mean...
03:54That's the form, is it?
03:55They've made some sort of signal to say to the waiter,
03:57could you invite the other couple over now?
03:59They've had quite enough of the eating bits.
04:01LAUGHTER
04:02Oh, I don't know.
04:03What about the lady from the news?
04:05We both like her.
04:06Yeah.
04:07I mean, as soon as his security team ordered the main course,
04:09I was like, right, come on, let's get at it then.
04:11So...
04:12LAUGHTER
04:14You really are a proper journalist.
04:16Well...
04:17No wonder he had a smile on his face.
04:18I thought he had something to do with the trade agreement.
04:20LAUGHTER
04:21Your mind is too filthy to be Pope.
04:23That's the problem with you.
04:24LAUGHTER
04:26LAUGHTER
04:27It's true though, isn't it?
04:29I think you should look into the history of the Popes.
04:31LAUGHTER
04:37Anyway, I've got the scoop.
04:38Anyway, the scoop is that it was their 18th wedding anniversary,
04:41which is China, not the country.
04:43Yes.
04:44And a gift of a mug was exchanged.
04:46Was that the public?
04:48LAUGHTER
04:50No.
04:51Well, Trump has described this deal...
04:53Yeah.
04:54Oh, thanks for bringing this back to the news.
04:55Yes.
04:56That is what we're here for.
04:57That's what we're here for.
04:58Trump has described it as full and comprehensive,
05:00and includes third-party fire and theft,
05:02but only if you've got locks and all your downstairs wounded.
05:04LAUGHTER
05:05What's the deal going to achieve?
05:07Do we know any of the details?
05:08Boy, it'll change everything.
05:09Will it?
05:10Yeah, probably.
05:11Yeah.
05:12Has the price of DVDs gone up?
05:13Yeah.
05:14LAUGHTER
05:15Is that it?
05:16Yeah.
05:17Through the roof.
05:18Will this affect book tokens?
05:20LAUGHTER
05:21There's still a 10% baseline tariff though.
05:24On everything?
05:25Yeah.
05:2625% tariff and steel's gone.
05:28Yes, but then it was only imposed fairly recently.
05:30Sure.
05:31So we've got a better deal than we had last time Trump said anything.
05:34Yeah.
05:35You're right.
05:36But Keir Starmer said the way to look at it is that are things better today
05:39than they were yesterday?
05:41And he said they are.
05:42Yeah, but not better than they were a couple of weeks ago.
05:44Yeah, but that's...
05:45LAUGHTER
05:46But I want to know, is it going to be better tomorrow?
05:47Because, I mean, we could be...
05:48You know, there could be nuclear war tomorrow.
05:50Mm, but you're fun.
05:52LAUGHTER
05:53You're doing the country down, essentially,
05:55whilst talking to secret sources in restaurants,
05:57watching other people's dates.
05:58Yeah.
05:59Do you know what?
06:00LAUGHTER
06:01People exchanging crockery.
06:02Yeah.
06:03LAUGHTER
06:04In other news, Donald Trump has also claimed he's going to bring
06:07something back.
06:08What's he going to...?
06:09Oh, sexy.
06:10Alcatraz.
06:11Yeah.
06:12Alcatraz, that's right.
06:13Somebody worked out that on the local TV station where he was there
06:16that night, Palm Springs or whatever, was showing the film
06:18Escape from Alcatraz.
06:20So he sees something on television and says,
06:22yeah, we should bring that back.
06:24LAUGHTER
06:25Yes.
06:26Let's hope he's not watching any World War II documentaries.
06:28LAUGHTER
06:30Yes, Donald Trump called for the reopening of Alcatraz Prison
06:33for vicious, repeat criminal offenders, the dregs of society
06:37who will never contribute anything other than misery and suffering.
06:41In you go, Donald.
06:43Close the door behind you.
06:44LAUGHTER
06:45APPLAUSE
06:46But it was still only Tuesday.
06:51LAUGHTER
06:53So Donald decided to make another announcement
06:56to do with the British film industry.
06:58Yeah, he's going to tariff on films not made in America.
07:00Yes, this could have a very serious impact on the British film
07:03industry.
07:04For instance, the long-awaited new James Bond film may now not be made
07:07in the UK, but will instead not be made in the US.
07:11LAUGHTER
07:13But I hope the James Bond franchise isn't affected,
07:15because you were really looking forward to taking that on,
07:17weren't you, Miles?
07:18Yeah.
07:19Yeah, I think...
07:20I mean, I haven't started the training yet, but...
07:22LAUGHTER
07:23I've read a couple of books about spying and...
07:25God, it's dangerous.
07:26LAUGHTER
07:27Oh, you wear a suit, a lot of it's done by gadgets, apparently,
07:30in this green screen.
07:32And, erm, no, I'm...
07:33No, look, I shouldn't really be talking about it,
07:35but I am...
07:36I am really looking forward to it.
07:37LAUGHTER
07:39APPLAUSE
07:40Well...
07:41APPLAUSE
07:43As are we, let's...
07:45LAUGHTER
07:46It'd be a different Bond, wouldn't it?
07:47Would you mind awfully if I, erm, shocked you?
07:50LAUGHTER
07:51I do the sort of James Bond that suggests a lot of this
07:53could be done remotely, I think.
07:55LAUGHTER
07:57Why is May the 4th significant in the film world?
08:00Oh, Star Wars?
08:01Yes, indeed.
08:02May the 4th be with you.
08:03May the 4th be with you.
08:04To mark that day, Donald Trump posted this AI-generated image
08:08on the official White House X account.
08:11LAUGHTER
08:15What did Star Wars enthusiasts pick up that's specific about that?
08:19Oh, there'll be some mistake, won't there?
08:21He's got a particular type of lightsaber.
08:23That's it.
08:24Which is made from steel and has a tariff of...
08:27LAUGHTER
08:29Well, it's also that it's red.
08:31Yeah, not blue.
08:32And only the Sith, that's the baddies, have red lightsabers.
08:35So is that a mistake or is he trying to tell us?
08:37I don't know.
08:38Someone in his press office hates him.
08:40Not the only one.
08:41LAUGHTER
08:43He also made himself Pope, didn't he?
08:45Well, yes.
08:46Let's take a look of him as the Pope.
08:48Here he is.
08:50He'll be the Archbishop of Canterbury next, won't he?
08:53Maybe not big enough for him.
08:55Doesn't want to be shouted at by Ian at parties.
08:57LAUGHTER
08:59Yes, it was quite a week for the Catholic Church
09:03as they got a new Pope.
09:05And a new Antichrist.
09:07LAUGHTER
09:08APPLAUSE
09:12I was just looking at that picture of Donald Trump as the Pope,
09:17and the fact that somebody would reduce themselves to try and extract
09:20comedy out of being the new Pope, I think, is very sad.
09:23LAUGHTER
09:25Rather desperate, actually.
09:28But it is an American.
09:30So there must have been a second when the news came through
09:33when Donald thought, it is me.
09:35LAUGHTER
09:37Robert Prevost has become...
09:39Oh, right.
09:40He's American, is he?
09:41Yeah.
09:42First one ever.
09:43And he's become Pope Leo XIV.
09:45He was quite emotional, wasn't he?
09:47The new Pope.
09:48Yes.
09:49What did he say?
09:50I mean, you would have been if it had been you.
09:51Yeah, certainly.
09:52There's no point in me talking about it now.
09:53It just sounds like sour grapes.
09:55LAUGHTER
09:58I just want to say, I've always believed in Jesus.
10:03I can't...
10:04LAUGHTER
10:07So, yes, this is the UK's trade deal with the US.
10:10Hopes have been growing for weeks of a possible trade deal
10:12between the US and the UK, although on Wednesday,
10:15Donald Trump tweeted that it was with a highly respected country,
10:19which threw us all off the scent a little bit.
10:21LAUGHTER
10:23The UK ambassador to Washington, Lord Peter Mandelson,
10:25was in the White House for the announcement of the deal.
10:27Yes.
10:28Leading to a touching reunion with Donald Trump.
10:30They hadn't seen each other since that party on Epstein's Island.
10:33LAUGHTER
10:35We'll visit you in Alcatraz.
10:40APPLAUSE
10:41According to The Independent, the new trade deal with India is expected
10:51to make entry into the UK easier for Indian chefs and yogis.
10:57Which is great news, unless you're carrying a delicious picnic basket.
11:01LAUGHTER
11:07Are you auditioning for somebody?
11:09LAUGHTER
11:10It was like he was in the room, wasn't it?
11:11It was, yeah, it was, yeah.
11:13Ian and Cathy, here's your story of the week.
11:16Um...
11:17Local elections.
11:18Local elections, bin collection.
11:20There's Farage, who's won, and then Kevin Baton, who didn't win.
11:25Exactly.
11:26And that's Keir Starmer.
11:27The Royal Air Force has downgraded over the years, isn't it?
11:30Yeah.
11:31LAUGHTER
11:32This is presumably the elections.
11:33Yeah.
11:34The local elections, the mayoral elections, the...the by-election.
11:37Mm. Indeed.
11:38It was an earthquake.
11:39I mean, according to reform, life will never be the same again.
11:43Mm.
11:44Well, it's the end of the Conservatives, they say.
11:46Yeah.
11:47But it's the end of the two-party system.
11:48It's the start of a new era.
11:50It's Nigageddon.
11:51LAUGHTER
11:52Or something.
11:53When was the moment that Nigel Farage realised he was on to something big?
11:58Well, he was on his way to Durham, wasn't he, which is pretty big,
12:01being, you know, winning in Durham, which is Labour Heartland.
12:04Yep.
12:05Well, apparently he noticed that as he walked down Ormskirk High Street,
12:08there were far fewer abusive shouts than there used to be.
12:11LAUGHTER
12:13LAUGHTER
12:16Come on, Ormskirk, pull your finger out.
12:19LAUGHTER
12:20Here's the fun question, who was once MP for Ormskirk
12:23and Nigel's predecessor as boss of UKIP?
12:26Erm...
12:27Oh, God.
12:28He used to be on the telly a fair bit.
12:30Robert Kilroy Silt.
12:31There you go, yes.
12:32Oh, yes!
12:33Let's remind ourselves of some of his best work.
12:35Their fate will be in each other's hands as they decide whether to share
12:40or to shaft.
12:42LAUGHTER
12:48Can I say, it just goes to show that orange right-wingers are nothing new.
12:52LAUGHTER
12:55Not the only reform supporter with a career in television,
12:59would you like to see presenter Steve Miller at work?
13:01Yes, please.
13:02Yes, please.
13:03Yeah?
13:04Here he is with a sensitive take on the health crisis.
13:06This is from Skye's Fat Families.
13:08I'm in Telford Shropshire and I'm about to meet one of the fattest families I've met in my life.
13:13I'm here in the Peak District and about to meet two right massive fatty siblings...
13:17LAUGHTER
13:18..at the peak of their porkiness.
13:20I'm going to be meeting some right beach blubber bellies.
13:23I'm in Luton, Bedfordshire and about to meet three right jelly-bellied jumbos.
13:28It's Mr and Mrs Massive Fatty.
13:32LAUGHTER
13:33That is an unfortunate name though, isn't it?
13:35LAUGHTER
13:37I mean...
13:38APPLAUSE
13:41How did Kemi Biednock respond to the results?
13:44She said it was a bloodbath.
13:46Yes, she said, I apologise for the bloodbath.
13:49There's not an awful lot else you can do about a bloodbath, is there?
13:52Well, you could clean up after yourself.
13:54Yeah.
13:55And what was Keir Starmer's reaction to the results?
13:58Are you surprisingly unbothered, given that they did nearly as bad,
14:02not quite as bad as the Conservatives, though?
14:04He's got a long time until the next election.
14:06He's got a large majority.
14:08Yeah.
14:09He's got a new mug.
14:10LAUGHTER
14:11I mean, what a...
14:12What a wink!
14:14Yeah.
14:15He said, I get it, we need to go further.
14:18Whereas a lot of his MPs, members of the Cabinet, were saying,
14:20why don't you scrap the cut on winter fuel allowance?
14:23Mm.
14:24And he said, because that would be a good idea...
14:26No, he didn't say that.
14:28There was one Labour campaigner suggested to The Guardian
14:30it was more a protest vote against Labour than a positive vote for reform.
14:34What evidence did she use for this, do you know?
14:37That is what politicians always say.
14:39It was just a protest vote.
14:40Yes.
14:41Well, it was actually spoilt ballot papers.
14:43She told The Guardian, I've never seen so many drawings of penises.
14:46LAUGHTER
14:47Andrea Jenkins, who's now Mayor of Lincolnshire for reform,
14:53she's the queen of graphic gestures, isn't she?
14:56In fact, there's a sort of cycle of rude gestures.
14:59One involving a finger and one involving a tongue.
15:01Sometimes together.
15:02Wow.
15:03Does she do this over dinner?
15:05LAUGHTER
15:06We've got that, have a look.
15:07Oh, that's good.
15:08There she is.
15:09I'm going to come first.
15:10LAUGHTER
15:11Somebody's pissed up that wall behind her.
15:12LAUGHTER
15:13And I'm looking at the man in the brown shorts behind her.
15:14LAUGHTER
15:15Excuse me.
15:16There have already been quite a few war on woke statements of intent from reform,
15:39but they tend to be hitting the brick wall of reality.
15:41The Mayor of Lincolnshire, Andrea Jenkins, pledged to fire all diversity, equality and inclusion officers,
15:48but there aren't actually any in Lincolnshire County.
15:51LAUGHTER
15:52So there's nobody to fire.
15:54Just proves how quickly she works.
15:56LAUGHTER
15:58But the Conservatives were hoping to fight their own war on woke.
16:03They've been talking about the banter ban.
16:07What's all that about, then?
16:09LAUGHTER
16:13That seems...
16:14The man of a thousand voices.
16:16Bobby Bear, Cockneys, Donald Trump.
16:19That's about the employment bill, isn't it?
16:21Exactly.
16:22Suppose you run a pub, Miles.
16:24I think we can all picture it.
16:25Yes.
16:26LAUGHTER
16:27Ah, my host.
16:28Oh.
16:29The usual Ian, yes.
16:31A can of red stripe under the counter, served after 11.20.
16:34Yeah.
16:35LAUGHTER
16:38So, yeah, anyway, this pub I run...
16:40Yeah, you run a pub, yeah.
16:41And say one of your bar staff overhears a joke or a bit of bance...
16:44Yeah.
16:45..that they don't like, they can take legal action against you for not protecting them from harmful material.
16:50There's actually no speaking at all allowed in my pub.
16:53LAUGHTER
16:54Quiet reflection.
16:55Yeah, it's...
16:56Yeah, yeah.
16:57It's kind of mindful.
16:58There's a gong bath on Thursdays.
16:59LAUGHTER
17:00It's probably the really rowdy night, yeah.
17:02Otherwise, people just sort of silently thinking about where it's all gone wrong.
17:05LAUGHTER
17:06It's not so different from a Wetherspoon for an afternoon.
17:09LAUGHTER
17:10Meanwhile, what better combination of people to discuss the VE commemorations than Rylan and Emma Willis?
17:18LAUGHTER
17:19They were hoping to rope in some of the survivors of World War II to their cosy chit-chat.
17:23Let's have a look what happened.
17:25Thank you all...
17:26Good morning, everyone.
17:27..so much...
17:28Morning.
17:29..for being with us today.
17:30It's an honour...
17:31It is.
17:32..to be sat with you and to hear your stories.
17:34Thank you!
17:35Thank you!
17:36Thank you!
17:37Shall we start with you, then, Gladys?
17:39Oh, I don't care.
17:40LAUGHTER
17:46Oh, mate!
17:47That is the proper spirit, then.
17:49LAUGHTER
17:51And then they added in the magical ingredient of Giles Brandreth.
17:55Just keep your eyes on Rylan.
17:57It is called...
17:58..barebacking.
18:00LAUGHTER
18:01So, you know, like, horse riding, where you ride bareback.
18:05Erm, so this is called barebacking for Gen Z,
18:09where they travel without anything.
18:13I began doing this a few years ago and I was called a raw dog.
18:16I said, well, I don't mean I'm a raw dog.
18:18You're moving right in the raw.
18:20Yeah.
18:21LAUGHTER
18:23And then, frankly, what is Tony Blair doing here?
18:27LAUGHTER
18:29Look what I found in my pocket.
18:31LAUGHTER
18:32Is he working for them as a lobbyist?
18:34We're at a climate conference together.
18:36A climate conference?
18:37Yeah, obviously. Obviously.
18:39Right.
18:40And Tony was saying, don't worry about it, it's happening slowly.
18:43Yeah.
18:44That's not a very good impression.
18:46LAUGHTER
18:47I'm up against the master.
18:48I know, he has raised the bar.
18:49He has raised the bar.
18:50I would have said, hi, guys, erm, don't go so fast on the net.
18:54LAUGHTER
18:55I love Danny DeVito.
18:56Yeah.
18:57He's good.
18:58APPLAUSE
18:59This is the local election results which have, according to experts,
19:06brought Nigel Farage one step closer to number ten.
19:10Keir Starmer, talking at the VE Day commemoration event, said that we owe
19:14the veterans a debt that can never be fully repaid.
19:17You could start by giving them back their winter fuel allowance.
19:20APPLAUSE
19:21Following their wipeout of the local elections, one Conservative MP commented,
19:27The good ship Tory sometimes feels like the Titanic.
19:31To be fair, the Titanic had more survivors.
19:34LAUGHTER
19:35After a good night for his party, Ed Davey announced that the Lib Dems
19:39were on their best ever winning streak.
19:42Oh, now Ed Davey's got the word streak in his head.
19:46LAUGHTER
19:47A big swing to the Lib Dems.
19:50LAUGHTER
19:52Time now for the odd one out round.
19:55Just one between you this week.
19:56Ed Davey.
19:57Yes.
19:58Vladimir Putin.
19:59Ooh.
20:00Tom Archer from the Archers and Pliny the Elder.
20:03Now, this might be just a coincidence, but the surname Archer,
20:06is that relevant to the final...?
20:08Putin's doing the two-fingered thing, which is something the English
20:11archers did at the Battle of Agincourt, I think?
20:13It's got nothing to do with the Battle of Agincourt.
20:15LAUGHTER
20:16I thought on a topical news quiz it was unlikely.
20:18LAUGHTER
20:19We've got Pliny the Elder there, and he's the only one
20:21with a dead conguile on his head.
20:23LAUGHTER
20:24Um...
20:25Tom Archer's wearing a gilet.
20:27Yes.
20:28I'd be amazed if Ed Davey doesn't own a gilet.
20:30Yeah.
20:31I'm going to give you a clue.
20:32It's about a popular trendy drink.
20:34Oh, um, Jagerbombs.
20:36LAUGHTER
20:37They all absolutely daft for the Jagerbombs.
20:40Yeah.
20:41Apart from Ed Davey, cos he still likes Aftershock.
20:44LAUGHTER
20:45God, I had to dig that one out.
20:49LAUGHTER
20:50Think about good for your guts.
20:52Oh, yeasty filter, kefir.
20:55There we go.
20:56Specifically kefir, yeah.
20:58Yeah.
20:59So who's the odd one out then?
21:00Oh, Pliny the Elder.
21:01Why is it Pliny the Elder?
21:02Well, because, obviously, just look at him.
21:04LAUGHTER
21:05He's not about as diverse a microbiome as the other three.
21:08That's exactly right.
21:09LAUGHTER
21:11I can't make the word for word off.
21:13They're all fans of fermented milk, apart from Pliny the Elder.
21:17Fermented milk!
21:18Yeah.
21:19LAUGHTER
21:20Pliny the Elder was a fan of fermented cabbage.
21:23Is our kimchi his?
21:24Kimchi, no.
21:25He's the leader of North Korea.
21:26LAUGHTER
21:30Pliny wrote a 37-book magnum opus...
21:33Yeah, natural history.
21:34There you go.
21:35Which contains a chapter called The Cabbage, 87 Remedies.
21:39LAUGHTER
21:40Which reveals how, when boiled and mixed with salt,
21:42cabbage can relieve gripings in the stomach,
21:45making him one of the earliest writers on record
21:48to advocate sauerkraut.
21:50The father of a large movement.
21:52LAUGHTER
21:58Do you know any of the other 86 ways
22:00that Pliny recommended using cabbage?
22:02No, no!
22:03LAUGHTER
22:04This is surprising answer.
22:05He recorded that injecting warm cabbage juice
22:08into your ear could cure deafness.
22:10Or cause it.
22:11LAUGHTER
22:13And washing your children in the warm urine
22:15of someone on a cabbage diet
22:18would make them grow big and strong.
22:21And when they're teenagers,
22:22they'll beat the shit out of you
22:23for making them die with somebody else's piss.
22:28Pliny the Elder did indeed die
22:29in the eruption of Mount Vesuvius in 79 AD.
22:32Mm.
22:33Even cabbage couldn't save him.
22:34Yeah.
22:36No.
22:37It was the second worst eruption in his lifetime.
22:39The first...
22:40LAUGHTER
22:41I absolutely love this eruption.
22:43LAUGHTER
22:44What happened when Ed Davey drank fermented milk
22:47every day for seven weeks?
22:49He grew udders.
22:50LAUGHTER
22:53He lost two stone.
22:54Lost two stone of fermented milk.
22:55He saw the benefits after going on a diet
22:57that consisted largely of kefir and kimchi.
22:59Yes.
23:00All beginning with a K.
23:01Kombucha, is there another one?
23:02Does it have quite a violent effect on the body?
23:04I remember I didn't really know what it was.
23:05I ordered someone in a cafe and when I ordered it,
23:07they went, oh, you know that's a health drink.
23:09And I went, well, I'm sure it's fine.
23:11And then someone came back over with the thing and said,
23:13did one of you order the kombucha?
23:15And I said, I ordered them.
23:16They went, you knew that's a health drink.
23:17LAUGHTER
23:18And then when they bought it, they said,
23:19are you the kombucha?
23:20I said, yeah.
23:21And they went, you do know it's a health drink.
23:22I got the impression.
23:23I started in panic.
23:24I thought, this is going to clean me out within seconds or something.
23:26They're giving me so many warnings.
23:28It's like moving other tables back, that sort of thing.
23:31People appear in the periphery of my vision with mops and things.
23:34LAUGHTER
23:35Selling the business.
23:37I'm definitely coming to your pub.
23:40LAUGHTER
23:42We'll all go.
23:44I'd to the usual.
23:45LAUGHTER
23:47What happened when Radio 4's Tom Archer
23:49brought Kefir to the village of Ambridge?
23:51Any Archer's followers?
23:52There was Umbridge.
23:53LAUGHTER
23:54It's true, they didn't much like it.
23:57Tom Archer, described by The Guardian as a former sausage czar...
24:04LAUGHTER
24:07..once went to Brazil to research bacteria
24:09and came back to Borsetshire to launch his own kefir business.
24:13How do we know that Vladimir Putin likes fermented milk?
24:16He's talked about it in interviews.
24:17That's absolutely true.
24:18What other answer could there be?
24:20LAUGHTER
24:21There was a new documentary celebrating Putin's 25 years in power
24:25and it showed us a glimpse inside his Moscow apartment
24:27where he shared a glass of kefir with a journalist.
24:30Here he is.
24:35All Russian, yes?
24:36Well, of course.
24:37Of course.
24:38Thank you very much.
24:42It's a colonium.
24:44LAUGHTER
24:45You said you'd really like to interview Putin?
24:47Yeah, I still would.
24:48Well, I've been banned from Russia now.
24:50Did it arrive in a letter?
24:52They just did a list of journalists who were banned.
24:54Who else has been banned, then?
24:56Ryland?
24:57LAUGHTER
25:01Vladimir Putin has given a journalist a rare tour
25:03of his Kremlin apartment.
25:05A flat!
25:06Let's just say I'd be surprised if the family upstairs
25:08let the kids learn a musical instrument.
25:10LAUGHTER
25:12Showing off his fridge, Vladimir Putin revealed
25:14he was a big fan of fermented milk.
25:16It's just normal milk that he's looked at.
25:19LAUGHTER
25:21Right, time for the missing words round.
25:25We start with...
25:30Proving to be a gateway to Hades.
25:35Relaunching E. coli.
25:36LAUGHTER
25:39Caffey in Dorset surprises customers by employing a robot waitress called Bella.
25:44Here is Bella, the robot with her two human co-workers.
25:47Bella can respond to a number of situations.
25:49For example, she can say,
25:51Wow, your hands are really warm when she is touched.
25:56Something she learned from Gino De Campo.
25:58LAUGHTER
26:00Next.
26:02What registers as 1.74 on the Richter scale?
26:06Liverpool fan celebration.
26:07He's absolutely right.
26:08Liverpool Premier League win.
26:10There you go.
26:11Tremor in Liverpool was so powerful that at the other end of the country
26:13it was briefly jolting Arsenal fans a week.
26:16LAUGHTER
26:18What do you think Arsenal's chances are of winning the Champions League?
26:21Um, well, they're up against a real Magnifico.
26:25LAUGHTER
26:27One of the great superheroes of our time.
26:30LAUGHTER
26:31I think they're going to cruise it, myself.
26:32Yeah.
26:33Yeah, they've been knocked out.
26:34I've got one.
26:35LAUGHTER
26:41I do love this banter.
26:44What's that all about, then?
26:50That's fantastic.
26:51Yeah.
26:52Dick Van Dyke.
26:54That brings us to the final scores.
26:56Paul and Miles have four, Ian and Cathy have six!
26:58APPLAUSE
27:06We just have time for the caption competition.
27:09So, ladies, here we are.
27:15Ladies, I was thinking maybe sushi?
27:20My friends call me Jacob Rees-Mogg.
27:22LAUGHTER
27:23APPLAUSE
27:28Very good one.
27:29On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
27:31Ian Hislop and Cathy Newman, Paul Merton and Miles Jupp.
27:34And I leave you with news that, at Tate Modern,
27:36a new sculpture is revealed inspired by how voters feel
27:39about Labour's first year in government.
27:41LAUGHTER
27:43After leaving his glasses at home, an embarrassed King Charles
27:48has to apologise for his mistake when posting a letter.
27:53LAUGHTER
27:58And in Whitby, excitement gave way to disappointment
28:00after a sighting of the UK's biggest cockle
28:02turned out to be a false alarm.
28:04LAUGHTER
28:06APPLAUSE
28:08Good night.
28:09APPLAUSE
28:10Good night.
28:11APPLAUSE
28:12Every radio phone-in should sound like this.
28:13Company called Jonathan Pye.
28:14All episodes are BBC Sounds now.
28:15While a murder case dredges up old crimes and lost looks.
28:17Press red for the one that got away on iPlayer.
28:18Next, with his books being pulped, Julian's forced to take action.
28:20It's Austin.
28:21APPLAUSE
28:22APPLAUSE
28:23APPLAUSE
28:24Every radio phone-in should sound like this.
28:26Company called Jonathan Pye.
28:28All episodes are BBC Sounds now.
28:30While a murder case dredges up old crimes and lost looks.
28:33Press red for the one that got away on iPlayer.
28:37Next, with his books being pulped, Julian's forced to take action.
28:40It's Austin.
28:41APPLAUSE
28:43MUSIC
28:48MUSIC