Ari Shaffir: America's Sweetheart 2025

Rizal Indra Putra

Transcript

00:00:00Every town I figured out, every city gets either crack or heroin, crack and meth or heroin as their chief affliction.

00:00:15And, uh, D.C.'s a crack town.

00:00:20It's always been a bad, sure, be proud of it. I hate it.

00:00:28They're too active.

00:00:30Crackheads, they're always scurrying.

00:00:34Can't pin them down. Unpredictable movements. They're like a new snowboarder ahead of you.

00:00:39Like, make a full turn.

00:00:43Always, like, looking for a trash can to rifle through or a cop to stand nearby to act normal around.

00:00:51And they always want human contact only when they have visible cuts on their body.

00:00:57That's the only thing.

00:00:58They're like, I got a dollar. Like, no, you know, you can't.

00:01:02I want a handshake. You're dripping blood out of your fingers. No.

00:01:09That's why I prefer heroin.

00:01:10Even when they want to bother you, they really don't have the energy for it.

00:01:15You know?

00:01:17Heroin, I was like, hey, man, you got a dollar. Can I get a dollar?

00:01:19I can't get a dollar.

00:01:20Every time you think they're done bending, they're like, no, I have more bent.

00:01:33Have you ever seen one? Have you ever seen a heroin addict fall asleep standing up?

00:01:37It's kind of beautiful.

00:01:41If you can get over what it means for your neighborhood, you know, it's such a slow, graceful Tai Chi of failure.

00:01:48Yeah. When I see them slowly falling off, I like to imagine I'm an X-Man and I have super speed and I just run around them.

00:01:59You just make noise like, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.

00:02:07No, it's a problem.

00:02:10I don't know what to do about it. I have no idea how to help.

00:02:13I don't know how to help a meth head.

00:02:14Here's how you help a heroin addict.

00:02:15If you want to help them, put a hat by them and paint them silver.

00:02:26I don't know if it'll help. It will beautify the neighborhood.

00:02:29I'm trying to, I'm trying to focus on positivity lately.

00:02:34That's what I'm doing in my life.

00:02:35I'm trying to, you know, there's so much negative shit in the world.

00:02:38Yeah, woo for the negative.

00:02:41No, it's everywhere.

00:02:42But I've always found there's like, there's an angle on everything that is good.

00:02:47No, maybe you don't know what I'm talking about.

00:02:49Maybe you're like, explain it, Ari, while you're up there.

00:02:52I'm like, there's always a good, okay, okay, COVID.

00:02:55That's a good example.

00:02:56A lot of people died during COVID.

00:02:57But some of those people were cunts.

00:03:04Let's not lose sight of those dead cunts.

00:03:08You know somebody cut you off in traffic eight years ago, and you go, I hope you die.

00:03:13And they did.

00:03:15It's not the way you're expecting.

00:03:17The Lord works in mysterious ways.

00:03:18We had this old couple live below me in New York.

00:03:22We live like rats in New York.

00:03:24And I got a puppy.

00:03:26He's that fucking big.

00:03:27He would run across the floor.

00:03:28And they'd fucking bang with a broom handle.

00:03:30They'd be like, shut the fuck up.

00:03:32A puppy chasing a sock.

00:03:34They'd wait till nine o'clock.

00:03:35They'd be like, it's 9.01 p.m.

00:03:36You shut the fuck up out there.

00:03:38God, I hated them so much.

00:03:40Well, they don't bang anymore.

00:03:46Yeah, because some hero in China ate an iguana or whatever.

00:03:49I don't know.

00:03:51I don't know the whole story.

00:03:54I don't have to know.

00:03:56Too busy playing with my dog.

00:03:57Like, focus on the positive is what I'm trying to tell you.

00:04:02And every time I see a heroin addict, I'm like, that is excellent balance.

00:04:08You know?

00:04:09I once saw one asleep standing up on a New York City subway.

00:04:13Nobody understands how wild that is.

00:04:16Have you ever been on a bus or a train and stood up and not held on to the fucking bar?

00:04:22You've tried.

00:04:23We've all tried.

00:04:24The doors are closing.

00:04:25You're arranging a bag.

00:04:26You're like, oh, shit, well, I'll just post up.

00:04:28I should be fine.

00:04:30You know?

00:04:31You're like, I played basketball in high school.

00:04:33There should be no issue.

00:04:35And then within three seconds, like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

00:04:38And you're just down.

00:04:40It's on someone's lap.

00:04:43This guy, ten stops, just...

00:04:53What is it?

00:04:54Heroin.

00:04:56You've got to research that ingredient and give it to the U.S. gymnastics team.

00:05:03You guys ever watch gymnastics?

00:05:06Yeah.

00:05:07Olympics, right?

00:05:08Yeah.

00:05:09It's a weird sport.

00:05:10Any other time you watch gymnastics, you are a pedophile.

00:05:14The whole sport is 12-year-olds in bathing suits stretching.

00:05:21But for two weeks, every four years, you're a patriot.

00:05:23You know who loves the Olympics more than anybody?

00:05:30Pedophiles.

00:05:30Yeah.

00:05:31They're just at home going, I can't believe this is on NBC.

00:05:33This is...

00:05:34This is wild.

00:05:38No more dark web for Bobby.

00:05:42Yeah.

00:05:42They're like, next stop.

00:05:43Men's basketball.

00:05:43Like, boom!

00:05:44No!

00:05:45More boys!

00:05:45I watch gymnastics for the same reason I watch NASCAR.

00:05:51For the failures.

00:05:54Yeah.

00:05:54I want to see it bad, too.

00:05:55I really want to see it bad.

00:05:56I want to see...

00:05:57I've never seen this.

00:05:57I want to see this in gymnastics.

00:05:58I want to see, like, flip, flip, flip, neck.

00:06:03Yeah, I've got problems.

00:06:05I just want that...

00:06:06I want to hear the announcer go, cut away right now.

00:06:07I'm going to be sick.

00:06:08You know, don't you want to say, I saw it before they scrubbed it from the internet.

00:06:13I saw it live.

00:06:17I've never seen that, but I have seen failure on a small level.

00:06:20I like when they mess up at the end, too.

00:06:22That's my favorite.

00:06:23When they fuck up on the landing.

00:06:25The part no one cares about.

00:06:28You know?

00:06:28If I tell you picture gymnastics in your head, none of you picture this.

00:06:38And that's the part that ruins it?

00:06:41Oh, that's so funny to me.

00:06:44I like when they're up there doing it.

00:06:45Because here's the deal.

00:06:47You know when they're up there and they're most of the way through?

00:06:48You know when they think they're crushing it.

00:06:50You know?

00:06:51Anything you're most of the way through, you know when you're crushing it.

00:06:53No matter what you do.

00:06:54High or low.

00:06:54You could be a garbage man.

00:06:56You could be like, not a single broken bag today.

00:06:59You know?

00:07:00Two more blocks, I'll be in the garbage man hall of fame.

00:07:05You know, if you're a lawyer, like,

00:07:07I put away so many innocent black teenagers this week.

00:07:13Whatever brings you joy.

00:07:15And they're up there, too, doing all their flips.

00:07:18And they're in their head when they're most of the way.

00:07:19They're like, I'm crushing this.

00:07:20I'm going to win Olympic gold.

00:07:22This is a 10.0.

00:07:23I'm going to be on the cover of the Wheaties box.

00:07:25Endorsement deals.

00:07:26I'm going to be America's sweetheart.

00:07:28And they have to dismount.

00:07:29They come down.

00:07:30Fuck!

00:07:34Assistant high school gymnastics coach.

00:07:37That's the best you can be now.

00:07:43They just want to cry.

00:07:44We're all like, ah!

00:07:45Do the hands first.

00:07:46I'm like...

00:07:47Yeah, we're all at home going,

00:08:02you fucking bitch.

00:08:05You're going to embarrass us in front of China like that?

00:08:11Yeah, it could all be avoided.

00:08:13Just a little bit of heroin.

00:08:16You know?

00:08:17Same thing.

00:08:18Flip, flip, flip.

00:08:19Come down and just...

00:08:20That's all right.

00:08:33So next time, uh...

00:08:34Next time you see a heroin out in your neighborhood,

00:08:36don't go, what the fuck?

00:08:37Go, possible gymnast.

00:08:40You know?

00:08:40Focus on the positives.

00:08:41That's what I'm trying to say.

00:08:44Here's how I do it.

00:08:45Here's how I stay away from fucking negative shit

00:08:46and stay positive.

00:08:47For the last five years,

00:08:48I have not read or watched the news.

00:08:51Yeah, cool.

00:08:53Some of you are on board.

00:08:54It's never good.

00:08:55You don't really have to watch it.

00:08:56I know this is a fucking news town,

00:08:58but it really doesn't do you any...

00:08:59It's never like,

00:09:00here's a fun summer recipe.

00:09:03No, it's always like,

00:09:03read this article

00:09:04and cut out four of your friends.

00:09:06It's always shitty.

00:09:09And people are like,

00:09:09well, you gotta stay informed.

00:09:10I'm like, I don't think you do.

00:09:13Besides the weather,

00:09:14none of it matters to you,

00:09:15for real, for real.

00:09:17You know?

00:09:18They try to get you riled up,

00:09:19like we pull out of Afghanistan too fast.

00:09:21And I was like,

00:09:21I was never gonna go there.

00:09:26You know?

00:09:26My vacation plans didn't come down

00:09:28between Maui and Kabul.

00:09:32And now, neither, I guess.

00:09:36I didn't start the fire.

00:09:47Relax.

00:09:49But the little stuff doesn't matter.

00:09:52The big stuff you will find.

00:09:53Like 9-11, you know?

00:09:54If you weren't watching the news,

00:09:55somebody would have told you.

00:09:57About 9-

00:09:58By 9-19,

00:09:59pretty much everybody knew.

00:10:06Guaranteed,

00:10:07nobody went to downtown New York

00:10:09like Thanksgiving of that year.

00:10:11Just going like,

00:10:12wait, where?

00:10:17Where are the two ones?

00:10:18I thought the two ones

00:10:19were like right here.

00:10:21What happened?

00:10:25You know what I have to think about

00:10:26sometimes though?

00:10:27Who was the last person

00:10:29to find out about 9-11?

00:10:30Like somebody had to be camping.

00:10:35You know?

00:10:36Out of cell phone service.

00:10:38You have no idea.

00:10:39Show up at your campsite

00:10:40on 9-9.

00:10:42Four days of trout fishing.

00:10:43Let the world burn.

00:10:44What do we care?

00:10:48You have no idea

00:10:50what's being planned

00:10:50by the Jews who planned it.

00:10:52Call all your friends

00:10:58on the ride back in.

00:10:59What are we doing this weekend?

00:11:05No way, bro.

00:11:06Nothing.

00:11:06You're like,

00:11:07what do you mean?

00:11:07Like, cause 9-11.

00:11:08You're like, what?

00:11:09No, I'm talking about 9-14.

00:11:11Friday night.

00:11:15You still find out about stuff

00:11:17even if you don't read the news.

00:11:19I found out,

00:11:19my friends told me that

00:11:20Kanye West hates Jews.

00:11:23Did you guys hear that?

00:11:24You've heard that?

00:11:25Wow.

00:11:26I didn't hear it.

00:11:26I was like,

00:11:27where'd you hear that?

00:11:27He was like,

00:11:28uh, it's on his Twitter.

00:11:31And I was like,

00:11:31oh, I don't follow him on Twitter.

00:11:32I follow him on Spotify.

00:11:35And he's considerably better

00:11:37on Spotify.

00:11:40Yeah.

00:11:40If you're following

00:11:40one of the best musicians

00:11:41of our lifetime,

00:11:42not on a music site,

00:11:43you are doing it wrong.

00:11:46On Twitter,

00:11:47he's a local lunatic.

00:11:47On Spotify,

00:11:49Jesus walks with you.

00:11:50Him.

00:11:55Dude,

00:11:55I like Kanye West music

00:11:56so much,

00:11:57when he was like,

00:11:57I hate Jews,

00:11:58I'm like,

00:11:58let's hear him out.

00:12:02Go ahead,

00:12:03Kanye.

00:12:03I have Jewish parents.

00:12:04They can be annoying.

00:12:04What do you have to say?

00:12:08My thing is like,

00:12:09I don't know,

00:12:09hate Jews if you want,

00:12:10but just like,

00:12:12write a song about it.

00:12:15You know?

00:12:16We don't have to agree

00:12:17with your message.

00:12:18If it slaps,

00:12:19we'll get behind you.

00:12:22He's done it before.

00:12:23We don't agree

00:12:24with everything he says.

00:12:25Kanye West made a hit song

00:12:26calling every woman in here

00:12:27a fucking gold-digging whore.

00:12:30And women all over America

00:12:31are like,

00:12:32play that one.

00:12:32You got me on that one.

00:12:34Ooh,

00:12:35I do expect a fucking nice car,

00:12:36but run that back.

00:12:37That fucking rules.

00:12:39Dude,

00:12:40if you made a fucking banger

00:12:41about Jews,

00:12:43bro,

00:12:43everybody would dance to it.

00:12:45They would.

00:12:45Jews would dance to it

00:12:46if it went hard enough.

00:12:49You know?

00:12:49We'll dance like this.

00:12:54But we'll still dance to it.

00:12:59People are like,

00:13:00Kanye's crazy.

00:13:00I'm like,

00:13:01yeah,

00:13:01I know he's crazy.

00:13:01He's a high-level artist.

00:13:04They're all crazy.

00:13:05The high,

00:13:06high-level guys,

00:13:07the generational guys,

00:13:08they're not like us.

00:13:09They're lunatics,

00:13:10and that's how they're better than us.

00:13:11I'm a low-level artist,

00:13:12and I'm weird.

00:13:14The high-level artists

00:13:15are all fucking lunatics.

00:13:18You know?

00:13:18That's always been,

00:13:19by the way.

00:13:19That's not new.

00:13:20Remember Van Gogh?

00:13:24You think he was chill

00:13:26to be around?

00:13:31Bro,

00:13:32he cut his ear off.

00:13:34Made beautiful paintings,

00:13:36but if you're like,

00:13:36should we invite Van Gogh

00:13:37to the party on Saturday?

00:13:38Do not invite Van Gogh

00:13:39to the party on Saturday.

00:13:41He'll ruin the party.

00:13:44Same thing with Kanye West.

00:13:45Nothing but bangers

00:13:46for 20 years.

00:13:47If he walked in here right now,

00:13:49I would evacuate the building.

00:13:53The highest-level guys

00:13:55are all crazy.

00:13:55Like Michael Jackson,

00:13:56you gotta rape!

00:14:08And people are like,

00:14:11Kanye's sick.

00:14:12I'm like, yeah,

00:14:12he's a sick fuck.

00:14:13He likes a quick fuck.

00:14:14I know all about him.

00:14:16He fucking rules.

00:14:20He made a fucking gospel album

00:14:21that's as good as Aretha Franklin's.

00:14:24You don't get that

00:14:25by being one of us.

00:14:27You don't want,

00:14:28I'm just telling you,

00:14:28next time you're a fucking

00:14:29local artist or whatever,

00:14:30anybody you like fucking acts up,

00:14:32just like, sweet,

00:14:33we're gonna get another Donda.

00:14:36You know?

00:14:36You don't want

00:14:37a well-behaved artist.

00:14:37It's not what you're looking for.

00:14:38You know what you get

00:14:39when you get a well-behaved artist?

00:14:40You know what you get?

00:14:41Jimmy Fallon.

00:14:46Nobody gives a shit

00:14:47about Jimmy Fallon.

00:14:51If he dies,

00:14:52his gravestone will say,

00:14:53here lies replaceable.

00:15:01Yeah.

00:15:03Kanye's an all-time great, man.

00:15:05Here's when I finally figured out

00:15:05how great Kanye was.

00:15:06Here's when I finally figured it out.

00:15:08I was watching a video

00:15:08and it made it clear to me

00:15:10what a great artist he was.

00:15:11He was actually,

00:15:12he's actually not in the video.

00:15:14But I was watching,

00:15:15I was like,

00:15:15oh, if Kanye was in this,

00:15:16I'm like, oh,

00:15:17he might be the best of all time.

00:15:19It was a,

00:15:20it was a high school football game.

00:15:22Maybe you've seen this video.

00:15:23I think there's a few like it.

00:15:24Small high school.

00:15:25And they put in,

00:15:26for one play only,

00:15:27they put in a new player.

00:15:27They put in a kid

00:15:29with Down syndrome.

00:15:33You can fucking feel

00:15:34the tension in here.

00:15:37You can feel everyone.

00:15:39I'm like, come on, man.

00:15:39Please don't.

00:15:42It was like an odd,

00:15:44heavy silence.

00:15:46Relax.

00:15:46Relax, you guys.

00:15:47I gotta be cool about it.

00:15:48Oh my God.

00:15:49You're like, please,

00:15:49come on,

00:15:50go back to the heroin stuff.

00:15:52I liked the video.

00:15:54It made me cry.

00:15:54I'll be, whatever.

00:15:56Yeah, I'm callous.

00:15:57I'm not that callous.

00:15:59You ever cry at a video?

00:16:00Yeah, of course.

00:16:01You can be a man enough

00:16:02to admit it.

00:16:02It happens.

00:16:03The right level of tired,

00:16:05right level of high.

00:16:08You know,

00:16:09you click on a link

00:16:09and you just start fucking

00:16:10just start weeping

00:16:13in between episodes

00:16:13of Rick and Morty.

00:16:18Yeah, and Down syndrome

00:16:19plays running back

00:16:20is one of those videos.

00:16:23Honestly, if you don't cry at that,

00:16:24you might be a sociopath.

00:16:26What else gets me?

00:16:27What else gets me to cry?

00:16:28I like Down syndrome

00:16:29plays running back.

00:16:30I like, uh...

00:16:32Oh, I like Soldier

00:16:33comes home and surprises

00:16:34his dog.

00:16:35Yeah, kills me every time.

00:16:37The dog fucking loots.

00:16:38He's like, uh...

00:16:39Uh...

00:16:40Fucking, there's not enough

00:16:43wiggle on his tail

00:16:43to express his joy.

00:16:49I like that one better

00:16:50than Soldier comes home

00:16:50and surprises his kid.

00:16:52Yeah.

00:16:53Fuck that kid.

00:16:54That kid sucks.

00:16:56That kid fucking sucks.

00:16:58Why are you in this army video?

00:16:59You've never done a push-up.

00:17:00Why are you in an army video?

00:17:03It's always the same.

00:17:04The kid's sitting there

00:17:05in the class, you know,

00:17:06everyone's looking at him.

00:17:07He's like,

00:17:07why is that what's staring at me?

00:17:08What's going on?

00:17:10He's got no idea.

00:17:11The back door opened up.

00:17:12The dad's there in the light.

00:17:13Full army outfit, you know,

00:17:14medals on his shoulders.

00:17:16Fucking Arab blood

00:17:17still in his hands.

00:17:22He came directly back

00:17:23from, like, strangling

00:17:24a Mogadishu in or, like...

00:17:26Some country we're not

00:17:28even officially in.

00:17:30You know, and he's like,

00:17:31Jackson!

00:17:32He's like, get out of me!

00:17:35And I feel nothing.

00:17:36But I do like

00:17:41Soldier Surprise's dog,

00:17:42and I do like

00:17:43Down Syndrome

00:17:44plays running back.

00:17:46Yeah.

00:17:47And, oh, and I like, uh...

00:17:48You ever see...

00:17:49You ever see Autistic Kid

00:17:50plays basketball?

00:17:52That's a good one, bro.

00:17:53That's a fucking good one.

00:17:54The SF Kid keeping scoreboard

00:17:56the whole year,

00:17:57by heart,

00:17:58and, uh...

00:17:59With, like, a minute left,

00:18:00like, put in the Autistic Kid,

00:18:01you know?

00:18:02Open lane, fuck it.

00:18:04Keeps missing.

00:18:05Nobody's rebounding.

00:18:06Everyone's like,

00:18:07come on, Autistic Kid!

00:18:10And he finally buckets one.

00:18:11Everyone's like,

00:18:11yes!

00:18:14Oh, that feels good.

00:18:16One out of ten

00:18:17of those Autistic Kids,

00:18:18they figure out

00:18:19the angle, though.

00:18:20And they got like that.

00:18:21It was like 39.7 degrees,

00:18:22and he just starts fucking...

00:18:24Just raining threes.

00:18:27And he's just like...

00:18:29Someone drops that popcorn,

00:18:44and he's like,

00:18:44146.

00:18:49And for some reason,

00:18:50I don't know why,

00:18:51Autism never plays football,

00:18:52and Down syndrome

00:18:53never plays basketball.

00:18:56They keep them real separate.

00:18:58I didn't make that rule.

00:18:58That is the rule.

00:19:00And none of them

00:19:01play baseball.

00:19:04They don't trust

00:19:05any of those kids

00:19:05with a bat.

00:19:08It'd be the same thing

00:19:09every time.

00:19:10Actually.

00:19:20But I'm out here

00:19:21to tell you about

00:19:21Autistic Kid

00:19:22Plays Basketball.

00:19:24I'm here to tell you

00:19:25about Down syndrome

00:19:26plays running back.

00:19:30So they send this kid in,

00:19:31right?

00:19:32And everyone in the stands

00:19:33in the video is like,

00:19:34Down syndrome's gonna play

00:19:34running back!

00:19:36I'm at home,

00:19:37I can feel the burn

00:19:38of a tear coming.

00:19:39Down syndrome's gonna play

00:19:40running back!

00:19:41They send this kid in,

00:19:42everybody's huddled up,

00:19:43you know?

00:19:43My first thought,

00:19:44my very first thought was,

00:19:45I bet you

00:19:46this is gonna be

00:19:48a running play.

00:19:55There's almost no chance

00:19:56at play-action fake

00:19:57on this next play.

00:20:02However,

00:20:03it would work.

00:20:04It would work.

00:20:10Bro,

00:20:10a fake handoff

00:20:11to a down syndrome

00:20:12running back.

00:20:17That's six points.

00:20:18That's six points

00:20:18anytime you want it.

00:20:21You gotta be a gutsy OC

00:20:23to make that call.

00:20:26You gotta really have faith

00:20:27in the hands of your receivers

00:20:28to call a fake handoff

00:20:30to a down syndrome

00:20:31running back.

00:20:31If they drop that ball,

00:20:33you are fired.

00:20:34You gotta fucking,

00:20:35you gotta,

00:20:36that's gotta go house.

00:20:40But this is not

00:20:41a fake handoff

00:20:41to a down syndrome

00:20:42running back.

00:20:42It was an actual handoff.

00:20:43Wasn't even on lateral.

00:20:44Why chance it?

00:20:49You know?

00:20:49Why toss?

00:20:56Good old-fashioned handoff.

00:20:57Quarterback gets it.

00:20:58Hite!

00:21:00Down syndrome kid gets it.

00:21:01And he just fucking goes.

00:21:03Dude,

00:21:03it was so cute.

00:21:04You should have seen it.

00:21:05It was so fucking cute.

00:21:06The determination on his face.

00:21:08The jersey was so fucking big on him.

00:21:10It was down to his ankles

00:21:12like a fucking Met Gala ball gown.

00:21:13It was so big.

00:21:16The helmet fit perfectly.

00:21:24I mean,

00:21:25the helmet was snug for sure,

00:21:26if anything.

00:21:28He might have brought it from home.

00:21:32And everyone in the stands like,

00:21:33Don't shoot him,

00:21:34he's got the ball.

00:21:35I'm at home,

00:21:36a tear comes down.

00:21:37I'm like,

00:21:37Don't shoot him,

00:21:38he's got the fucking ball.

00:21:39Two more tears coming.

00:21:40He's the 50,

00:21:41the 40.

00:21:41And then I realized,

00:21:42and I think everyone in the stands

00:21:43realized at the same time,

00:21:44we just didn't think it out.

00:21:45We're like,

00:21:46oh fuck,

00:21:47he's gonna score.

00:21:49And we all kind of looked

00:21:50inside ourselves

00:21:50and we realized,

00:21:51like,

00:21:51I've actually never wanted

00:21:52anything more in my whole life

00:21:53than for this down syndrome kid

00:21:55to score a touchdown.

00:21:57You know?

00:21:58And everyone in the stands like,

00:21:59Retarded Kid's gonna fucking score.

00:22:03I'm at home,

00:22:04Retarded Kid's gonna fucking score.

00:22:07Everybody's in a good mood.

00:22:08Fuck it.

00:22:09Opposite fans are high-fiving.

00:22:11Everything's good in the world

00:22:12because Retarded Kid's

00:22:13gonna fucking score.

00:22:15These are the 40,

00:22:16the 30.

00:22:16Rabbis and priests

00:22:17are high-fiving

00:22:18and kissing.

00:22:20These are the 20.

00:22:21Gaza and Israel

00:22:22are square dancing

00:22:22in a corner.

00:22:24There is no evil today

00:22:26because Retarded Kid's

00:22:27gonna fucking score.

00:22:29I'm fucking openly weeping.

00:22:31These are the 20,

00:22:31the 10,

00:22:32the 5,

00:22:334,

00:22:333.

00:22:34If Kanye West was there,

00:22:35he would tackle that kid.

00:22:40Greatest living

00:22:41American musician.

00:22:42Focus on the positive

00:22:53is what I'm trying to tell you.

00:22:55Legitimately,

00:22:56Kanye West's anti-Semitism

00:22:57got me into his music.

00:22:59And I'm like,

00:23:00oh shit,

00:23:00he fucking goes hard.

00:23:02I never realized

00:23:03how great he was

00:23:03until I heard

00:23:04he was anti-Semitic

00:23:04and I'm like,

00:23:05let me check him out.

00:23:07There's a reason

00:23:08he's up there.

00:23:10What other examples

00:23:11is I give you

00:23:11a focus on the positives.

00:23:13Oh, here's one

00:23:13from football.

00:23:14Remember,

00:23:15remember DeMar Hamlin?

00:23:17Yeah,

00:23:18you know who that is?

00:23:19No,

00:23:19girls don't know.

00:23:21He's a player

00:23:21for the Buffalo Bills.

00:23:23You know who

00:23:23the Buffalo Bills are?

00:23:24It's a sports team.

00:23:25It's named after an animal.

00:23:27Okay.

00:23:30Explaining too much.

00:23:32Yeah,

00:23:32he had a heart attack

00:23:33two years ago,

00:23:34middle of a game.

00:23:35Had a full heart attack.

00:23:36No one had ever seen

00:23:36anything like that before.

00:23:37Like,

00:23:37they thought he was gonna die.

00:23:38He ended up living,

00:23:39but they didn't know.

00:23:40I think he might have been

00:23:40fully dead for like a minute,

00:23:41and they revived him.

00:23:42It was wild.

00:23:44No one's seen it before.

00:23:45Everybody was crying.

00:23:45Everybody in the Bills

00:23:46was crying.

00:23:47Everybody in the other team,

00:23:48the Bengals,

00:23:48they were all crying.

00:23:49The announcers were crying.

00:23:51Joe Rogan was saying

00:23:51it was the vaccine.

00:23:57Jesus,

00:23:58Joe,

00:23:58let him get off the field first.

00:24:01Fucking calm down.

00:24:03Every time with that guy,

00:24:04you stub your toe like,

00:24:04fuck.

00:24:05You like,

00:24:05you vaccinated?

00:24:06I'm like,

00:24:06I don't know,

00:24:07dude,

00:24:07give me a fucking hand.

00:24:13Everybody was upset

00:24:13at that game,

00:24:14except one guy I saw there.

00:24:15One guy was focused

00:24:16on the positive,

00:24:17but he was in a good mood.

00:24:18It was Damar Hamlin's backup.

00:24:30There's so much fucking good.

00:24:31Where the fuck are you going?

00:24:34It's okay.

00:24:36How dare you?

00:24:37Where's he going?

00:24:37To jerk off to Damar Hamlin?

00:24:40He was like,

00:24:41I haven't thought about

00:24:41that guy dying in so long.

00:24:43It gets me so hard.

00:24:43I gotta just fucking,

00:24:44I just gotta shoot one out.

00:24:50That's the biggest racist

00:24:51I've ever seen.

00:24:51Like the thought of a dead black man

00:24:53gets me so fucking hard.

00:24:57Possibly too far.

00:25:00Possible,

00:25:00possible line.

00:25:01Too much good shit

00:25:04in the world

00:25:05is my point.

00:25:07What are the positives

00:25:08that we focus on?

00:25:08Here's one.

00:25:09How about this?

00:25:10School shootings.

00:25:13Sure, sure.

00:25:14That's a negative, right?

00:25:15What's the,

00:25:16what could possibly be

00:25:16the positive

00:25:17about school shootings?

00:25:17Well, here's one.

00:25:19Less carpool traffic tomorrow.

00:25:20Okay, I feel like there's

00:25:27a disconnect right now.

00:25:31Guys, I'm not saying worth it.

00:25:34I'm just saying

00:25:35there is a positive.

00:25:37Oh, you want school shootings

00:25:39and traffic?

00:25:40Or you want to be like,

00:25:45oh, I can't believe

00:25:45the kids are dead.

00:25:46Green, green, green.

00:25:52I'm not saying don't mourn.

00:25:53I'm just saying, you know,

00:25:54cry at the office

00:25:55when you get there

00:25:5520 minutes early.

00:25:56Guys, I'm joking.

00:26:08I hope you understand that.

00:26:09I know there's some moms in here.

00:26:10I can see you're fucking,

00:26:11yeah, it's just like,

00:26:13it's a self-defense mechanism.

00:26:14You got to let in

00:26:15the horrors of the world

00:26:16or you can just use humor

00:26:17to drive it off.

00:26:18You don't have to face it.

00:26:19You can just ignore it.

00:26:21Unless you were thinking

00:26:22of becoming a school shooter.

00:26:24If you were thinking

00:26:25of becoming a school shooter,

00:26:25look, I'll, don't.

00:26:30For everybody else,

00:26:31ignore it.

00:26:34No, this shit bothers me sometimes.

00:26:36It's hard.

00:26:36But like, guys,

00:26:37America's a gun country.

00:26:38You know?

00:26:39Yeah, it's, I don't care.

00:26:41I don't care, I don't care.

00:26:42Don't, I don't, no.

00:26:43I don't vote.

00:26:44I don't give a shit.

00:26:45I really don't care.

00:26:47You know?

00:26:47Don't shoot my dog.

00:26:48We're fine.

00:26:48That's all I care about.

00:26:50But we are a gun country.

00:26:52And when you're a gun country,

00:26:53people are going to get killed.

00:26:55So, who better than a child?

00:27:02They don't contribute to the GDP,

00:27:04like at all.

00:27:05Like at all.

00:27:07Zero taxes paid.

00:27:09Ask your son.

00:27:09He'll tell you.

00:27:10Zero.

00:27:14No, when adults get shot,

00:27:15that bothers me.

00:27:16That's us.

00:27:16That's our people.

00:27:17Those are contributing members of society.

00:27:23Yeah, you lose a 12-year-old,

00:27:24have a little grief sex.

00:27:25You're right back where you were.

00:27:32You know, you lose a 38-year-old,

00:27:33now who's driving the bus?

00:27:35Again, I'm joking.

00:27:45Where were you?

00:27:46How was it?

00:27:46Quick one, right?

00:27:48Mostly head, no shaft.

00:27:49Probably went for it.

00:27:50I get it.

00:27:54Talk about school shooting

00:27:55since you've been gone.

00:27:57No, they do bother me, though.

00:27:58I try to focus on pauses,

00:27:59but you can't help it sometimes.

00:28:01You get fucking,

00:28:01you hear so much.

00:28:02Some of these things,

00:28:03like, it's nuts.

00:28:05You talk to people

00:28:05from other countries,

00:28:05they don't have school shootings.

00:28:07They don't have adult shootings.

00:28:08USA.

00:28:11Some of them get terrible.

00:28:12We've had some bad.

00:28:12Vegas, that was the worst one, right?

00:28:15Las Vegas, 50 people.

00:28:1750 people got killed

00:28:18at a country music festival.

00:28:20God damn, I remember feeling that.

00:28:21I was like,

00:28:22what the fuck happened

00:28:22to this country?

00:28:24And all my friends came to me,

00:28:25like, Ari, can you help?

00:28:26You know, you're so positive.

00:28:27Can you help us, like,

00:28:28get through this?

00:28:32I don't know.

00:28:36I mean,

00:28:37all right.

00:28:40At least it was country music.

00:28:47Yeah, I know,

00:28:47but guys,

00:28:48I'm not saying people

00:28:48listening to country

00:28:49deserve to die.

00:28:50Not at all.

00:28:51I'm actually saying

00:28:52I believe less people died

00:28:53because it was country music.

00:28:57Yeah, here's why.

00:28:58Because I think people

00:28:59listening to country

00:29:00have more experience

00:29:00with firearms

00:29:01than people

00:29:01who do not listen to country.

00:29:04So they're able

00:29:04to analyze the situation

00:29:05and get to safety sooner.

00:29:07You know,

00:29:08as soon as gunfire broke out,

00:29:09like, oh,

00:29:09that's semi-automatic.

00:29:10My uncle has one of those.

00:29:13All right.

00:29:14Trajectory.

00:29:14Come on,

00:29:15this way, everybody.

00:29:15Hurry, let's go.

00:29:18Could have been worse,

00:29:19is what I'm saying.

00:29:19Thank God.

00:29:20Thank God it was not EDM.

00:29:25All those poor people

00:29:26on Mali.

00:29:27You can't flee

00:29:30when you're on Mali.

00:29:32Just so you know,

00:29:33Mali's not a running away joke.

00:29:35It's a jumping up and down joke.

00:29:37You know,

00:29:38you're having a great time.

00:29:39I fucking love this DJ.

00:29:41You know,

00:29:42and then your friend's head

00:29:42just explodes

00:29:43and you're like,

00:29:44what?

00:29:44What?

00:29:45What?

00:29:47What?

00:29:48What?

00:29:49What?

00:29:50What?

00:29:51What?

00:29:52What?

00:29:53What?

00:29:54What?

00:29:55What?

00:29:56What?

00:30:07Dude,

00:30:07we gotta get the fuck out of here.

00:30:09Right now.

00:30:09We gotta run.

00:30:11Well,

00:30:11you know what's you gotta do?

00:30:12You gotta hang out more.

00:30:15You're so cool.

00:30:16Why don't we spend more time together?

00:30:17I like you.

00:30:17You're like,

00:30:18we're one of my best friends.

00:30:18Psh,

00:30:19death.

00:30:19No!

00:30:21I don't know what to do!

00:30:22Dude, have you guys heard this gunfire, though?

00:30:32It's like, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

00:30:36Everybody, go try some gunfire.

00:30:43Focus on the positive, that's what I'm trying to tell you.

00:30:46Stay off the news.

00:30:47Don't get involved.

00:30:48You know when I learned that?

00:30:49Here's where I learned it.

00:30:50Here's where I learned to stay off the news.

00:30:51It doesn't do you any good.

00:30:53It was Gabby Petito.

00:30:56Remember Gabby Petito?

00:30:57Yeah, girls know Gabby Petito.

00:30:58This is your Buffalo Bills.

00:31:04Boys don't really know.

00:31:05Girls do know.

00:31:06If you don't know who Gabby Petito was, well, that's the story.

00:31:11She's pretty fucking dead.

00:31:15Spoiler alert.

00:31:16The main character of this next part is gone.

00:31:18But this is like, what is it, like four or four years ago, something like that?

00:31:22Three or four or five years ago?

00:31:24She was a pretty young woman, and she liked two things in the whole world.

00:31:27She loved hiking, and she loved having sex with murderers.

00:31:34And what a terrible combination of things.

00:31:36It's the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup of Death.

00:31:41Hiking, get murdered.

00:31:42They're going back in place to murder.

00:31:43They're not on a hike.

00:31:45By the way, women in here, just so you know, when you go hiking with your boyfriend or husband,

00:31:49he thinks about it.

00:31:55We don't fully consider doing it.

00:31:57It's a synapse.

00:31:58We can't help that.

00:31:59It flashes by.

00:32:00We overrule that thought.

00:32:01We're kind of heroes when you think about it.

00:32:06You know, but the thought is, you're off just going like, what a beautiful view.

00:32:11And 50-50, it's like, oh, no.

00:32:13No, no, no, no.

00:32:15Don't, don't, don't, don't.

00:32:19And I know women are like, we think about it too.

00:32:20We're like, yeah, but you're feeble.

00:32:25What are you going to do with your little twig arms?

00:32:27Nothing.

00:32:27You know, guys will be like, dude, this is a real beautiful view.

00:32:32I really like it.

00:32:34What the fuck?

00:32:35What are you doing?

00:32:37What are you, are you trying to kill me?

00:32:39Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

00:32:40That's, oh, no.

00:32:51Anyway, so, Guy Petito was dating this murderer, and you know how murderers be.

00:32:57They'd be murdering, so she got fucking murdered.

00:33:02And everybody's reading about it every day, and everybody's pretty upset.

00:33:05I didn't read a thing about it, so I didn't let anything into my heart.

00:33:08So, I didn't feel any of it, so I was just, you know, making fun of it on Instagram.

00:33:14My friends got mad at me.

00:33:15They're like, Ari, it's actually really sad if you read the articles.

00:33:17I'm like, I didn't read any of the articles.

00:33:20And they're like, well, if you read the articles, you'd be sad too.

00:33:22I'm like, why would you read the articles?

00:33:25She was dead before you knew she was alive.

00:33:31Like, did you just want to be sad?

00:33:37To me, to anybody who didn't read anything about Guy Petito, this is the whole story.

00:33:40You know how, like, a lot of people die every day?

00:33:43Another one.

00:33:43You can just not get caught up in any news story, and it's a lot more fun.

00:33:51It really is.

00:33:53There's so much good in the world.

00:33:54Every year, they go, it can't get worse than last year.

00:33:56You hear it, right?

00:33:56It can't get worse than 2023.

00:33:58It can't get worse than 2022.

00:33:59It can't get worse than 2008.

00:34:01It's been going on forever, and it just keeps getting legitimately better.

00:34:04You know, everything's pretty fucking good.

00:34:07I've been having so much fun.

00:34:08I've been shoplifting, like, a lot.

00:34:12Yeah.

00:34:13You guys steal at all?

00:34:14Anybody here steal?

00:34:16Do you?

00:34:17Nice.

00:34:18Probably some of you don't.

00:34:19Who here, by a round of applause, who here does not steal?

00:34:23Cool.

00:34:24Cool.

00:34:25No, it's okay.

00:34:25No, I used to be like you.

00:34:28Sucker, paying full price for everything.

00:34:31Then I read an article.

00:34:32My friend sent me an article.

00:34:33It changed the way I thought about the world.

00:34:35You ever read an article, and as you're reading it, go like,

00:34:37are you talking directly to me?

00:34:41That's not new, by the way.

00:34:42That's been for a long time.

00:34:44Remember, uh, remember manspreading?

00:34:47Remember 12 years ago, before the Me Too movement?

00:34:51When the worst thing facing women was the way men sat?

00:34:56Yeah.

00:34:57Women were like, it doesn't get any worse than this.

00:34:58We're putting our foot down.

00:34:59And men were like, challenge accepted.

00:35:04Harvey, come talk to them.

00:35:09If you don't know what manspreading is, this is what it is.

00:35:11If you're sitting on the train or the bus, if you're Latino, and, uh...

00:35:16If you sit like this, that's fine.

00:35:22Nobody cares.

00:35:22We sit like that.

00:35:23Women were like, stop it!

00:35:25I hate it!

00:35:27You're doing it right now.

00:35:28She's all scrunched up.

00:35:29You're going, bleh.

00:35:32She scrunched your foot.

00:35:33Just so you know, guys, just so you know, women think we're oafs.

00:35:37Women think we see a chair.

00:35:38We're like, I don't know how to do it.

00:35:40I'm talking stupid idiot.

00:35:42Manspreading, what a dumb fucking term.

00:35:54As if it only affects women.

00:35:55It doesn't also affect men.

00:35:58Like, you think if I see two large Dominicans taking up six seats on the subway,

00:36:01what do you think I do?

00:36:03You think I'm like, excuse me, fellas, if you can tighten up a little bit.

00:36:07I believe that seat belongs to me.

00:36:09No, I stand right next to the lady cowards.

00:36:15All of us too ashamed to say, excuse me.

00:36:19Women are like, but I would never sit like that.

00:36:21I'm like, no, in the summertime, we would clear out the whole subway car.

00:36:26But you swamp pussy, absolutely do not sit like that.

00:36:30That's a different life experience.

00:36:32It's not apples to apples, it's apples to fucking rancid fish.

00:36:39But I got the message, I try, I try now.

00:36:41When I sit on public transportation, I try to, like, you know, eagle pose as best I can.

00:36:47Then I read another article, probably like five years ago maybe,

00:36:50and it was about, uh, it was about white privilege.

00:36:53You guys ever heard of that?

00:36:56I had not heard of it.

00:36:57I'll be honest with you.

00:36:59Didn't care for it.

00:36:59Not at all.

00:37:02Didn't like what it implied.

00:37:04It implied that I didn't work hard for what I've gotten, which, that's bullshit.

00:37:07I work really hard.

00:37:08I'm gonna wake up every day by 6 p.m. to do this job.

00:37:13You know, I mostly only do coke and molly on weekdays.

00:37:17You know, it's been difficult.

00:37:18My parents cut me off financially, only 10 years after college are they paid for.

00:37:21And then you're thinking about it, like, all right, maybe I got a little bit.

00:37:28Maybe I have a little bit of white privilege.

00:37:30Once I accepted that, once I internalized that maybe I do have white privilege,

00:37:34at that point, I just started stealing.

00:37:44You guys.

00:37:47Just the white people for a second.

00:37:48They're not looking at us.

00:37:58You gotta read these articles.

00:38:01Don't fight the message.

00:38:02Read the words.

00:38:05They're a blueprint to free stuff.

00:38:08The one that got me, this guy, was like,

00:38:09do you know what it's like to go to a store and have every clerk just staring at you for your every move?

00:38:13And I was like, no.

00:38:18No, I don't.

00:38:24Always steal, white people.

00:38:25I'm surprised more of you don't, to be honest.

00:38:27You ever use those self-checker things, where you pay for some of your things?

00:38:33Yeah, more of you steal than you admit.

00:38:36It's like, boop.

00:38:38If it doesn't ring up the first time, I'm like, it's not working.

00:38:42I'm taking it.

00:38:44I did this three times.

00:38:45The rule is, I'm just going to put it on the corner.

00:38:49It's the thinnest veil justification for shoplifting.

00:38:52Oh, I love those self-checker things.

00:38:54Who do you think invented those?

00:38:57White people did.

00:38:58Yeah, white people made that for other white people.

00:39:01Yeah.

00:39:02It's for us, by us.

00:39:04That's our fubu.

00:39:10That's our fubu.

00:39:13Enjoy your sweatpants, black people.

00:39:16We get free groceries with our fubu.

00:39:21I stole an entire salmon from Whole Foods last week.

00:39:26Fuck Jeff Bezos.

00:39:27Is he going to shudder his doors?

00:39:34I don't see that happening.

00:39:36It costs too much.

00:39:37Do you know how much a wild-caught Atlantic salmon costs?

00:39:41I also don't.

00:39:46It was too high a price.

00:39:47I was like, that's unreasonable.

00:39:48Now, zero now.

00:39:51You can do this to yourself.

00:39:52I just took it.

00:39:53Took it.

00:39:54Eyeballs to tail.

00:39:55Took the whole fucking thing.

00:39:57The fisherman got paid.

00:39:58Doesn't matter.

00:40:00Took the whole thing.

00:40:00I just put it on the bottom shelf of the cart.

00:40:03You know, the plausible deniability shelf.

00:40:10Black people, you've got to be white someday.

00:40:12It rules so fucking hard.

00:40:14Oh, it's the best.

00:40:17So, you probably don't know this.

00:40:19We shop different than you.

00:40:21So, the regular part of the cart, that's just like you.

00:40:23You pay for that.

00:40:24And then there's this bottom shelf.

00:40:25I don't know if you even noticed it.

00:40:27You might have just thought it was like a stabilizer or something.

00:40:31No, that's the white tack shelf.

00:40:34That's where all your free stuff goes.

00:40:35That's where all your beers and your waters and your wild-caught Atlantic salmon.

00:40:40And they can't catch you.

00:40:44It's the best.

00:40:45They can't catch you.

00:40:46No, here's your worst case.

00:40:47This is absolutely the worst case scenario, right?

00:40:49You've got all your paid stuff, all your free stuff, and you're fucking...

00:40:52And you're leaving.

00:40:55You're taking your cart out.

00:40:56You're leaving.

00:40:56And then some clerk, he sees you.

00:40:58He says something.

00:40:59Overstepping, by the way.

00:40:59It's not your job.

00:41:02Nobody trained you in that.

00:41:05Just ring me up.

00:41:06And, uh...

00:41:07But you're leaving.

00:41:08He goes, excuse me.

00:41:09You're like, hi, how are you doing?

00:41:09Excuse me.

00:41:10What do you need?

00:41:10They're like, what about that stuff?

00:41:12Like, what stuff?

00:41:12Like, the bottom shelf?

00:41:13Like, what bottom shelf?

00:41:15Oh, fuck, dude.

00:41:15I'm so sorry.

00:41:16I forgot.

00:41:17I forgot about that completely.

00:41:18I was thinking about the economy.

00:41:19I apologize.

00:41:20I was just...

00:41:22Yeah, that's the worst case scenario if you're white.

00:41:24You break even.

00:41:30I hope I'm getting through to you guys.

00:41:32I really do.

00:41:34I know a lot of comedians come with a message of brotherhood and togetherness.

00:41:38It's not my jam.

00:41:40My jam is free jam.

00:41:44If I am, by the way, let me tell you how to do it.

00:41:53You gotta start small and work your way up.

00:41:55Okay?

00:41:56You're out of practice.

00:41:56Don't go right to auto theft on the way home.

00:41:59You will get in trouble.

00:42:01Start small.

00:42:02Like, there's no reason to pay for a banana in this town.

00:42:08No.

00:42:09White people do not pay for bananas.

00:42:11You should have to get the banana at Starbucks.

00:42:15You eat it in line at Starbucks.

00:42:18And then at some point, you should go, oh, shit.

00:42:20And then just leave.

00:42:21Just casually leave.

00:42:23You can run or walk.

00:42:24Doesn't really matter.

00:42:26They'll see you.

00:42:27They'll assume you're late for a meeting, and you probably brought a banana from home.

00:42:31Yeah.

00:42:32Let me tell you guys a stereotype about white people that you might not know.

00:42:35We all look like the type of person that brought a banana from home.

00:42:44That's our shit.

00:42:46If you're in a police lineup with a white guy, a black guy, a Latino, an Asian, and a fucking Native American,

00:42:51I'm like, which one brought the banana from home?

00:42:52You're like, it's obviously the white guy.

00:42:54What do you mean?

00:42:55And let me say this to be clear.

00:42:59Black people, honestly, I hope you get white privilege someday soon.

00:43:04Yeah, I don't want to hoard it.

00:43:05I hope everyone has white privilege.

00:43:07But until that happens, man, you make excellent decoys.

00:43:10If I'm at CVS and three brothers walk in, I'm like, it's go time.

00:43:24I just turned invisible.

00:43:26All right.

00:43:29You're going to be crazy.

00:43:30You're going to be like, I'm stealing.

00:43:31Like, not right now.

00:43:32We got a situation over here.

00:43:35If they separate, I don't know what we're going to do.

00:43:40Yeah, next time somebody says, you have white privilege, go, thank you.

00:43:44I appreciate that.

00:43:44Thank you very much.

00:43:48Focus on the positives, that's what I'm trying to tell you.

00:43:51Too much good shit in the world.

00:43:52Stay off the fucking news.

00:43:53It's all fucking terrible.

00:43:54And it's all fucking political, too.

00:43:56God damn, I hate that shit so much.

00:43:58I don't vote.

00:43:59Where's my news?

00:44:01Yeah, there's a few of us.

00:44:02Probably more.

00:44:04Yeah, in Washington, D.C., you're embarrassed about that probably, right?

00:44:07Don't be.

00:44:07We're the strongest political movement in the country.

00:44:10We outnumber both sides two to one.

00:44:13We're half the country.

00:44:14Where's our news?

00:44:16Where's the news for the apathetic?

00:44:19If it was representative, it would be six minutes of Democrat, six minutes of Republican,

00:44:22and then 41 minutes of memes.

00:44:29All these news stories we briefly cared about.

00:44:32You ever think back to the last ten years of shit you once cared about and now we're like,

00:44:36that's dumb.

00:44:37You know?

00:44:38Ukraine.

00:44:38Remember when you stopped caring about Ukraine?

00:44:40Fucking God damn, that story went on too long.

00:44:44It's like the show The Walking Dead.

00:44:45Like, wrap it up, Ukraine.

00:44:47We've moved on.

00:44:51Ukraine.

00:44:52The fucking Jew tunnels.

00:44:53January 6th.

00:44:54Lizzo's fat shaming.

00:44:55Every Karen.

00:44:56Stop Asian hate.

00:44:57Remember Stop Asian hate?

00:44:58Remember when you couldn't kill Asian people for three months four years ago?

00:45:00Fucking Aurora.

00:45:06Fucking, I don't know, all the statues coming down.

00:45:08Every election.

00:45:09COVID.

00:45:10Everything.

00:45:10It's just like, blech.

00:45:11Deal with it.

00:45:13Going on a hike.

00:45:20Focus on the positive.

00:45:21That's what I'm trying to tell you.

00:45:22It's always talking good.

00:45:25Can I tell you guys?

00:45:28Yeah.

00:45:28You've been a fucking great crowd so far.

00:45:31Yeah.

00:45:35Time for your grade.

00:45:37Not every comic does this.

00:45:39Grades the audience in the middle of a show.

00:45:41I know you've been watching me this whole show.

00:45:43I've been watching you as well.

00:45:46Here's your grade.

00:45:48You were an A.

00:45:53Well, hold it.

00:45:56You were not an A+.

00:45:57Yeah, many of you non-Jews didn't even realize that was a possibility.

00:46:02Yeah, there's another grade on top of A you might not have been aware of.

00:46:06It's A+.

00:46:07You could have been an A+.

00:46:09There was one moment where you hiccuped as an audience.

00:46:11I could feel it.

00:46:12I don't know if you remember.

00:46:12It was a while ago.

00:46:13I wanted to turn on you really bad, but you came back.

00:46:17It was like 30 or 40 minutes ago.

00:46:19I'll tell you where.

00:46:20It was right when I switched from Down syndrome to retarded.

00:46:28I could feel you guys as an audience.

00:46:30Just for a second.

00:46:31You're like, ha, ha, ha, ha, oh.

00:46:34Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

00:46:35You came back.

00:46:36You came back.

00:46:37But there was a moment.

00:46:37There was a moment.

00:46:38I'm going to be honest with you guys.

00:46:43You got to stand up for what you believe in this world.

00:46:46And I'm trying to bring retarded back.

00:46:49Oh.

00:46:51Oh.

00:46:51Well, maybe it never left Southeast Washington, D.C.

00:46:58Maybe it's been here in hiding all along.

00:47:02They took it from us, everybody.

00:47:03They took it from us.

00:47:06Unconstitutionally.

00:47:07It was a casualty of the war against the N-word and the F-word.

00:47:14The N-word for black people and the F-word for gay people.

00:47:18And somebody, some goody-two-shoes was like, also the R-word.

00:47:21And we're like, don't do this.

00:47:25Please, please don't do this.

00:47:28And we let them take it.

00:47:29The greatest word in the English language.

00:47:33Retarded.

00:47:34Retarded.

00:47:34Bald eagle of words.

00:47:41We should have said something.

00:47:42We didn't say anything.

00:47:43We should have said something.

00:47:44We should have spoken up.

00:47:45We all waited for someone else to say something.

00:47:47I'm to blame, too.

00:47:48I was also a coward.

00:47:49I was waiting for someone else to speak up.

00:47:51And no one did.

00:47:52That's how the Holocaust started.

00:47:53Same way.

00:47:56Yeah.

00:47:56Everybody's like, tell me like the Jews.

00:47:58Like, you tell me like the Jews.

00:48:00They seem pretty strong on this.

00:48:04And we let them take it.

00:48:05And to be clear, just so you know, I get it about the N-word and the F-word.

00:48:08We're not talking about those.

00:48:09We're only talking about retarded.

00:48:10The N-word and the F-word had to go.

00:48:12But they're gone now.

00:48:13They've been arrested.

00:48:15The N-word and the F-word are safely behind bars.

00:48:17They're never getting paroled.

00:48:19But retarded, that was a marijuana arrest.

00:48:22And we've got to correct these flimsy convictions.

00:48:29We just want to say it to our friends.

00:48:31It's actually a very positive word.

00:48:33You know, your friend falls like, ah, you're retarded.

00:48:35Like, ah, yeah, let's drink.

00:48:39You know, we just want to say it to our friends.

00:48:41And also about our enemies as well.

00:48:43And also about people with Down syndrome.

00:48:49Yeah, I want it all the way back.

00:48:51No compromise.

00:48:51They never should have left all the way back.

00:48:53All the way back.

00:48:54Pre-80s retarded rules.

00:48:58Never should have left.

00:48:59Again, I get it about the N-word and the F-word.

00:49:00But they're gone.

00:49:01Nobody's saying the N-word anymore.

00:49:03You're fucking nuts.

00:49:05And the F-word, that's only for text messages to friends.

00:49:08You've got to give us retarded.

00:49:15And I hope I'm getting through to you guys.

00:49:17I really do.

00:49:18I know I have a lot of messages here today.

00:49:19But I hope I'm getting through to you with this one.

00:49:21I know some of you are already using retarded.

00:49:23You keep going.

00:49:24Feel seen.

00:49:27And some of you are never going to say retarded.

00:49:28And you're still not going to.

00:49:29That's fine.

00:49:30You don't have to.

00:49:30More for us.

00:49:33And still, all those of you who are on the fence.

00:49:35And now you're going to be emboldened after this

00:49:37to go out and use retarded.

00:49:39Let me tell you what you're in store for.

00:49:42Let me tell you your future.

00:49:44You're going to be met with some level of resistance.

00:49:49Yeah, not everybody's on board with this message.

00:49:52Not everybody out there was at this rally today.

00:49:58You're going to feel some backlash, for sure.

00:50:01You're going to go out there in Georgetown

00:50:02or some fucking cool part of town.

00:50:04Your bartender's going to be a 29-year-old,

00:50:06first-year graduate of a sociology degree

00:50:08with blue hair.

00:50:11You know, you can picture it.

00:50:13Spacers, you know.

00:50:16You're going to order a beer,

00:50:17and she's going to bring you a Truly

00:50:18for no reason at all,

00:50:19because this fucking generation doesn't listen.

00:50:23But whatever.

00:50:24You're not going to make a big stink about it,

00:50:25and you're going to go get it,

00:50:26and your finger's going to hit it,

00:50:26and you're going to spill it.

00:50:27You're going to go, fuck.

00:50:27You pick it up.

00:50:28You're fucking retarded.

00:50:29She's going to go,

00:50:30what did you say?

00:50:32No, no, you're not retarded.

00:50:34I'm the retard.

00:50:35You're fine.

00:50:35I'm retarded.

00:50:37She's going to go, stop saying that!

00:50:42You're going to tell her.

00:50:43We're allowed.

00:50:44Ari Shaffir said we could.

00:50:45Well, hold on.

00:50:57Because she's going to say,

00:50:59I don't know who the fuck that is.

00:51:01Who's Ari Shaffir?

00:51:03You're going to say,

00:51:04he's a comedian.

00:51:05He's the least successful of all of his friends.

00:51:10And he said we could say retarded

00:51:11as much as we want.

00:51:12And she's going to say,

00:51:14why do you think that's okay?

00:51:15And this is what you tell her.

00:51:16This is why it's always been okay.

00:51:17Since I first took it away

00:51:18when I was in grade school,

00:51:19this is what you tell her.

00:51:20If she looks away,

00:51:20you grab some silverware

00:51:21and you put it in your pocket

00:51:22and you look her right back in the face.

00:51:24Not you black people, not you,

00:51:25but any white person.

00:51:27Any white person.

00:51:27You take that silverware

00:51:28and you tell her this.

00:51:29This is why it's okay to say retarded.

00:51:31The only reason it's ever been.

00:51:33They don't mind.

00:51:38They don't mind.

00:51:39We're fighting a fight

00:51:40for people who don't care.

00:51:42You got to ask them.

00:51:43I've asked.

00:51:44It's been a while,

00:51:45but I have asked.

00:51:46They don't mind.

00:51:48I've talked to black people

00:51:49about the N-word.

00:51:50They do mind.

00:51:54Pretty much 100%

00:51:55of the black people

00:51:56I polled on this subject

00:51:57say, no,

00:51:59not a fan of the word.

00:51:59You can stop asking.

00:52:00I'm not going to switch up on this.

00:52:03But you got to ask someone

00:52:04with Down syndrome

00:52:04about retarded

00:52:05and they'll tell you.

00:52:06I have asked.

00:52:07It has been a while.

00:52:07It was high school,

00:52:08but I did ask.

00:52:10Still applies.

00:52:10It was over a summer

00:52:14and two years in high school

00:52:15I worked at a special needs

00:52:16camp in Montgomery County.

00:52:18And, uh, yeah.

00:52:19All jokes aside,

00:52:20I don't know if you guys

00:52:21ever met anybody

00:52:21with Down syndrome,

00:52:22but they fucking,

00:52:23they're the best.

00:52:24They rule.

00:52:25They're fucking awesome.

00:52:25Yeah, maybe you have.

00:52:28They just, like,

00:52:28fill your life with, like, light.

00:52:29They're just, like, fun.

00:52:30They're always in a good mood.

00:52:32They're, uh, well,

00:52:32actually that's not true,

00:52:33but, like,

00:52:34yeah, that's not true.

00:52:35When they're in a bad mood,

00:52:36fucking somebody's getting bit.

00:52:42They fight like Bruce Lee.

00:52:43They fucking any weapon possible.

00:52:46But generally,

00:52:47that was at home.

00:52:48At camp,

00:52:48they were always in a good mood.

00:52:49And I had my crew,

00:52:50my favorites, you know,

00:52:51we'd talk about sports,

00:52:52wrestling only.

00:52:53Uh, yeah.

00:52:55They'd point out chicks

00:52:56they liked with big tits.

00:52:57They were great at that, dude.

00:52:58They were great at that.

00:53:00Every time I'd be right,

00:53:01like, Aria.

00:53:01I'm like, not right now.

00:53:02I'm doing paperwork.

00:53:02Like, Aria.

00:53:03I'm like, what?

00:53:04Yup, you were right.

00:53:05You were right to interrupt me.

00:53:05She didn't have big tits.

00:53:06Congrats.

00:53:07That's a good one.

00:53:08They would have loved you.

00:53:08They would have fucking loved you,

00:53:09lady.

00:53:09They would have fucking loved you.

00:53:14And I had my favorites,

00:53:15and I asked one of them once.

00:53:16I asked David,

00:53:17David, uh, Ginsburg.

00:53:19I think it was his name.

00:53:19I asked him.

00:53:20I was like,

00:53:20David, everybody's talking about this

00:53:21in school,

00:53:22but I haven't heard anybody

00:53:23asking you,

00:53:24how do you feel?

00:53:24How do you feel

00:53:25about the word retarded?

00:53:27And he said,

00:53:27Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

00:53:31uh, uh,

00:53:31I'm sorry, everybody.

00:53:51I'm really,

00:53:52I'm really sorry.

00:53:55I really,

00:53:56I'm sorry.

00:54:00I'm sorry.

00:54:04I know.

00:54:05I'm sorry.

00:54:05I really,

00:54:06I wish I wasn't like this.

00:54:07I really do.

00:54:12You ever look ahead

00:54:13in your life,

00:54:13like five years in the future

00:54:14and looking back

00:54:15on the present,

00:54:17like yourself

00:54:17looking back to right now?

00:54:19I'm a Walmart greeter.

00:54:22Someone's like,

00:54:23you used to be a comedian?

00:54:24I'm like, yeah.

00:54:24Like, what happened?

00:54:25I'm like,

00:54:25I flew too close

00:54:26to the sun.

00:54:32I guess that brings us

00:54:33to stand-up comedy, too.

00:54:34People get,

00:54:35that's a weird thing

00:54:35about focusing

00:54:36on the positives.

00:54:37People say, uh,

00:54:38stand-up is, uh,

00:54:39you can't say anything anymore.

00:54:40You've heard them.

00:54:40Who's been to a comedy show

00:54:41before?

00:54:42Yeah, a lot of you.

00:54:44A lot of you.

00:54:45Nice.

00:54:46Nice.

00:54:47It's more popular than ever

00:54:48and people are like

00:54:48all negative about it.

00:54:49Like, you can't say

00:54:50anything anymore.

00:54:50I'm like, not true.

00:54:51It's more popular.

00:54:52Look how big a fucking room

00:54:53I'm playing on a fucking,

00:54:54you know,

00:54:54I've never done this before.

00:54:57It's wild.

00:54:58I shouldn't be able

00:54:59to do this.

00:54:59It's more popular than ever.

00:55:01It's in a great place.

00:55:02But, because it's more popular,

00:55:04it gets exposed

00:55:04to people who really

00:55:06shouldn't hear about it.

00:55:08And it's a massive source

00:55:09of negativity

00:55:10to a lot of dorks.

00:55:11Our joy is their hatred.

00:55:14You know?

00:55:15And they get fucking mad.

00:55:16You follow it, right?

00:55:17They get mad at stand-ups.

00:55:19They get mad at jokes.

00:55:20They got mad at Dave Chappelle.

00:55:22Dave Chappelle,

00:55:23one of, if not the greatest

00:55:24stand-up of all time.

00:55:26Yeah.

00:55:29And they got mad at him.

00:55:30And not just for telling

00:55:32the same jokes

00:55:32in three straight specials.

00:55:33It had nothing to do with that.

00:55:45It's because he didn't

00:55:46handle every subject

00:55:47with the proper amount

00:55:48of respect.

00:55:49But at this point now,

00:55:50everybody's been to

00:55:51at least one show now.

00:55:52And you know,

00:55:53respect has nothing to do

00:55:54with what we're doing here.

00:55:56It's not a metric

00:55:56in any way.

00:55:58You know,

00:55:58what'd you want Dave Chappelle

00:55:59to do?

00:55:59Come out and be like,

00:56:00hey, you know trans people?

00:56:03They're all right.

00:56:04That's another thing.

00:56:30That trans issue,

00:56:31that's a fucking wild one, huh?

00:56:34Everybody's writing about it

00:56:34and literally 18 people

00:56:36in the whole country

00:56:36actually give a fuck.

00:56:38And the rest of us

00:56:39have to hear about it.

00:56:41Oh, which bathroom

00:56:42will they use?

00:56:43Most of them are

00:56:43oneies anyway.

00:56:46Here's a bigger issue

00:56:47with bathrooms

00:56:47they never write about.

00:56:48People fucking using it

00:56:49and staying in there

00:56:49to use their phone

00:56:50while there's a fucking

00:56:51line!

00:56:54I don't give you

00:56:55any dick or pussy!

00:56:56Go on,

00:56:56get your phone!

00:57:00I'm sorry,

00:57:01I'm getting caught up

00:57:02in the negative now.

00:57:03I gotta fucking switch.

00:57:05I gotta switch.

00:57:07What's the positive?

00:57:08Okay, actually,

00:57:08I got it.

00:57:09Here's the positive.

00:57:09Here's the positive

00:57:10of having to hear

00:57:10about the trans issue

00:57:11for the last fucking

00:57:12seven straight fucking years.

00:57:14Here's the positive.

00:57:15Well,

00:57:16not regular gay people.

00:57:17Have to shut the fuck up.

00:57:20Yeah,

00:57:21you're not special anymore,

00:57:22regular gays.

00:57:24Ha ha,

00:57:24one of us.

00:57:28One of us.

00:57:29Remember when we were little

00:57:29and it meant something

00:57:30to be gay?

00:57:31Not anymore,

00:57:31homos!

00:57:33Back in the line!

00:57:36You're like,

00:57:36oh,

00:57:37you're gay?

00:57:38Wow,

00:57:39that must be so hard

00:57:40for you.

00:57:41In 2024,

00:57:42in a major metropolis?

00:57:44Wow.

00:57:46Oh,

00:57:46you came out of the closet

00:57:47in 2019?

00:57:49Wow.

00:57:50No,

00:57:50I've also suffered.

00:57:51I'm a survivor

00:57:51of LASIK eye surgery,

00:57:53so I get it.

00:57:55Eat dicks.

00:57:56Shut up.

00:58:00They asked me about

00:58:01that trans stuff

00:58:02in an interview once.

00:58:03I do interviews.

00:58:05I'm a public figure.

00:58:09And they asked me about,

00:58:10have you guys ever heard

00:58:11of the trans swimmer?

00:58:13Damn.

00:58:14I had not heard

00:58:15of the whole thing.

00:58:16She was like,

00:58:16how do you feel

00:58:17about the trans swimmer?

00:58:18And I was like,

00:58:18I thought it was

00:58:19a Russian weapon.

00:58:23I was like,

00:58:23well,

00:58:23I've been rooting for Ukraine,

00:58:24but I guess they're fucked now.

00:58:26She was like,

00:58:28I don't think you know

00:58:28what it is.

00:58:29I was just trying

00:58:29to mansplain it.

00:58:30I'm like,

00:58:30I think I know

00:58:30what the trans swimmer is.

00:58:31And I'm looking at it.

00:58:32Okay,

00:58:33that was pretty far off.

00:58:35If you don't know,

00:58:36it's not a Russian weapon

00:58:37at all.

00:58:38It's a trans woman

00:58:39who's a swimmer.

00:58:42Yeah,

00:58:42the story is,

00:58:43there's a trans woman.

00:58:44She's at a university

00:58:46somewhere in America.

00:58:47It's not here,

00:58:47I don't think.

00:58:48And she was swimming

00:58:49on the swim team.

00:58:50And that's the story.

00:58:53Yeah.

00:58:53She was doing well.

00:58:54That part's,

00:58:55I don't think that part

00:58:55is the story.

00:58:57I don't think anybody

00:58:57was like,

00:58:58what?

00:58:58She's crushing it?

00:59:00She's doing quite well.

00:59:02And I guess people

00:59:03are pretty upset about it.

00:59:04And this interviewer

00:59:04asked me,

00:59:05what a fucking trap question

00:59:07to ask a comedian.

00:59:09I'm not trans,

00:59:10I don't swim,

00:59:10I'm not in college.

00:59:12Ask me about something

00:59:13comedy related.

00:59:14Ask me what fucking

00:59:14Joe Rogan's nuts

00:59:15smell like.

00:59:19Solid gold.

00:59:20You ask me about

00:59:22that trans,

00:59:23and I saw a trap

00:59:24when I saw it,

00:59:25when I recognized it.

00:59:26And I was like,

00:59:26well, I feel the same

00:59:26way everybody feels.

00:59:27And she goes,

00:59:28no, people are,

00:59:29people are pretty split

00:59:30on this.

00:59:31And I go,

00:59:31I disagree.

00:59:35She's like,

00:59:35how can you disagree

00:59:36with that part?

00:59:37I'm like,

00:59:37because I've been

00:59:37in this country

00:59:37a long time.

00:59:39And I'm just telling

00:59:39you for a fact,

00:59:40nobody cares

00:59:41about women's

00:59:42college swimming.

00:59:43This is a fake story

00:59:49with fake anger

00:59:50for being on the news

00:59:50too much.

00:59:52Swimming,

00:59:52do you know how many

00:59:53steps removed I am

00:59:53from caring about

00:59:54female amateur aquatics?

00:59:57Bro, I don't follow

00:59:58soccer,

00:59:59the number one sport

01:00:00in the world.

01:00:01Swimming,

01:00:02shut the fuck up.

01:00:04People are like,

01:00:04but she's cheating.

01:00:05Oh, well,

01:00:06you should see me

01:00:06do my taxes then.

01:00:10You'll be very perturbed.

01:00:13And people who care

01:00:15ask them,

01:00:16they're like,

01:00:16but she's breaking records.

01:00:18That's what they all say.

01:00:18Tell them this.

01:00:19Next time anybody

01:00:20tells you that,

01:00:20say this.

01:00:20They're breaking records.

01:00:21They're like,

01:00:21okay, tell me then.

01:00:23What was the old record?

01:00:26What was the old record

01:00:27you hold so dear

01:00:28in the women's

01:00:29200-meter

01:00:29dumb fuck stroke?

01:00:33It's not a real sport,

01:00:34everybody.

01:00:35I watch ESPN

01:00:36all day and all night.

01:00:37They've never showed

01:00:38college swimming,

01:00:39boys or girls.

01:00:41They show,

01:00:41they have cornhole

01:00:42championships on ESPN.

01:00:44That's more of a sport

01:00:45than fucking amateur swimming.

01:00:48Darts, bowling,

01:00:49the spelling videos

01:00:50on ESPN.

01:00:52A sport made entirely

01:00:53of Indian 12-year-olds.

01:00:57And honestly,

01:00:58maybe some of you

01:00:58in here have been

01:00:59upset about it.

01:01:00You know,

01:01:01look inwards.

01:01:02If that makes you mad,

01:01:04look inwards and go,

01:01:04I should probably

01:01:05be hiking more often.

01:01:08Fucking close the laptop

01:01:09and get outside.

01:01:10I'm not saying

01:01:11it doesn't matter to anybody,

01:01:12but if it matters to you,

01:01:13you should be embarrassed

01:01:14of yourself.

01:01:16Swimming.

01:01:16It's not even a fucking

01:01:17real sport, you guys.

01:01:19Here's the whole sport

01:01:20of swimming,

01:01:20in case you didn't know,

01:01:21which you don't

01:01:22because none of you

01:01:22have ever watched it.

01:01:24Here's the whole sport

01:01:24of swimming.

01:01:25Can you swim fast?

01:01:26Yeah.

01:01:26I can swim really fast.

01:01:28Like, great.

01:01:29Can you do that

01:01:29not the best way?

01:01:37What do you mean?

01:01:38I was just gonna, like,

01:01:38swim like that.

01:01:39Like, no,

01:01:39that's the best way.

01:01:42Like, you don't want me

01:01:42to swim fast?

01:01:43No, swim as fast as you can,

01:01:44but done.

01:01:45Do it done.

01:01:48As fast as you can,

01:01:49but, like,

01:01:49you're drowning

01:01:49the whole time.

01:01:57And you're mad

01:02:00this one chick

01:02:00is dominating

01:02:01these dickless bitches?

01:02:04Who fucking cares,

01:02:05everybody?

01:02:07It's crazy

01:02:08for the news

01:02:09to ask me that.

01:02:10That's fucking nuts.

01:02:11Guys,

01:02:12when I have,

01:02:12sometimes I go out

01:02:13for spicy food,

01:02:14and after I do,

01:02:15when I take a dump

01:02:16the next day,

01:02:16I'll bleed.

01:02:17I'll bleed while I dump.

01:02:18Yeah.

01:02:19Sometimes just a few drops,

01:02:21you know?

01:02:21And then sometimes

01:02:22it's a lot,

01:02:22and I just keep wiping,

01:02:23and it keeps coming

01:02:24and coming.

01:02:25Sometimes it's over,

01:02:26but sometimes it keeps

01:02:26coming and coming

01:02:27and coming,

01:02:27and it won't stop.

01:02:28And it just won't stop.

01:02:30And so I have to get

01:02:31on with my day.

01:02:32So I have to take

01:02:32a wad of toilet paper,

01:02:33and I bunch it up,

01:02:34and I shove it up there

01:02:35like a cork.

01:02:36I cork up my asshole

01:02:37so it soaks it up in there,

01:02:39and then eventually

01:02:40stops it.

01:02:41My friends call it

01:02:42a man-pon.

01:02:44And we shove it up there,

01:02:45and then I'll walk around

01:02:46with it until the bleeding

01:02:47stops.

01:02:48Yeah, otherwise it'll

01:02:49bleed into my underwear

01:02:50and through my underwear

01:02:51and through my pants,

01:02:51which happened once

01:02:52at jury duty.

01:02:53It was very embarrassing.

01:02:54Having a bloody

01:02:55fucking asshole

01:02:56in fucking jury duty.

01:02:58So I have this man-pon,

01:02:59and I'll just walk around.

01:03:00I don't know when

01:03:00it stops bleeding,

01:03:01and eventually,

01:03:02sometimes it gets

01:03:02dislodged on its own

01:03:03through my movements

01:03:04of the day.

01:03:04It gets dislodged,

01:03:05and it'll work its way

01:03:06down my jeans

01:03:07and come out.

01:03:08I've had it lying

01:03:09around my apartment before.

01:03:12And I've had people

01:03:12see it.

01:03:13They go,

01:03:13is that a fucking

01:03:13wadded up piece

01:03:14of bloody toilet paper

01:03:15on your floor?

01:03:17And I go,

01:03:17yeah, it is.

01:03:18It's very embarrassing.

01:03:21And journalists

01:03:22ask my opinion

01:03:23on world events.

01:03:28Stop reading the news.

01:03:34Here's the deal

01:03:35with the trans swimmer,

01:03:36guys.

01:03:36Sports evolve.

01:03:37I don't know

01:03:38what to tell you.

01:03:38It's stupid,

01:03:39but it's not comfortable,

01:03:40but it happens.

01:03:41Everyone's mad.

01:03:42They're like,

01:03:42but they were in

01:03:42last place last year,

01:03:43and then they got a trans,

01:03:44and now they're in

01:03:45first place?

01:03:46I wonder what they did.

01:03:49Get a trans!

01:03:52That's not the only one.

01:03:55I live in New York.

01:03:56There's a lot of them.

01:03:59Find one.

01:04:00Go to one of the

01:04:01trans academies,

01:04:01or whatever.

01:04:02I don't know.

01:04:02Whatever.

01:04:02I don't know

01:04:03where they come from.

01:04:04Wherever they are.

01:04:05But, like,

01:04:06find where they are,

01:04:07start shoving them

01:04:08into a lake

01:04:08until one of them floats,

01:04:09and then give her

01:04:09a fucking scholarship.

01:04:14Maybe I don't understand

01:04:15the whole issue.

01:04:19Guys,

01:04:19he's focused on positives,

01:04:20I've been telling you.

01:04:21Like, I've been,

01:04:22there have been joke ones,

01:04:22right?

01:04:23But I legitimately

01:04:23do it all the time.

01:04:24You can train yourself

01:04:25to do it.

01:04:26Somebody comes in,

01:04:26like,

01:04:27this guy sucks.

01:04:27I'm like,

01:04:27but look at his pants.

01:04:28Cool pants.

01:04:29You just shift

01:04:29the subject away.

01:04:31They talk about politics,

01:04:32just be like,

01:04:32I don't know,

01:04:32find something

01:04:33or anything,

01:04:34you know?

01:04:35You can be one

01:04:35of two people

01:04:35on a date.

01:04:36You can be like,

01:04:36they sat me

01:04:37too close

01:04:37to the bathroom.

01:04:38Or you can be like,

01:04:39ooh,

01:04:39they have real cheese nachos.

01:04:41You know?

01:04:42Which one do you want

01:04:43to be in that situation?

01:04:44You can do it for real.

01:04:45Politics is a good example.

01:04:47I know people,

01:04:48I have a relative

01:04:48that fucking hates

01:04:50Donald Trump.

01:04:51Like,

01:04:51she hates him so much

01:04:52she loves him.

01:04:54You know,

01:04:55people are like,

01:04:55that's,

01:04:55he's the first person

01:04:56she thinks about

01:04:57in the morning.

01:04:59She wakes up,

01:04:59like,

01:04:59what did he say today?

01:05:00She fucking gets on there.

01:05:02And people are like,

01:05:03you know,

01:05:04if I say there's a positive

01:05:04in everything,

01:05:05she's like,

01:05:05there's no positive

01:05:06about Donald Trump.

01:05:06Like,

01:05:07well,

01:05:07let's say you hate

01:05:07Donald Trump.

01:05:08What could possibly

01:05:08be the positive there?

01:05:09Well,

01:05:09legitimately,

01:05:10he brought women together

01:05:11in a way I've never seen

01:05:13before in my lifetime.

01:05:15Before Donald Trump,

01:05:16women were the

01:05:17backstabbiest cunts

01:05:18in the world

01:05:18to each other.

01:05:20And now they're like,

01:05:21you go,

01:05:21girl.

01:05:21Like,

01:05:21no,

01:05:22you go,

01:05:22girl.

01:05:23And they all went

01:05:23to Taylor Swift.

01:05:24I guess that'll bring us

01:05:28to the last,

01:05:29the final test

01:05:30of focusing on positive

01:05:31for me.

01:05:32It was my grandfather.

01:05:33My grandfather,

01:05:34Ira,

01:05:34he's a Holocaust survivor.

01:05:37Yeah,

01:05:37he was in the Bergen-Belsen

01:05:39concentration camp.

01:05:41They got liberated

01:05:41by the Russian army.

01:05:42Russians were good guys

01:05:43for like eight minutes.

01:05:48And he's gonna be

01:05:49103 next year.

01:05:50And my thought was

01:05:57like a concentration camp,

01:05:58that's one of the

01:05:59most horrific

01:06:00experiences in life.

01:06:01And it's like,

01:06:02if I can find a positive

01:06:03in that,

01:06:03I could for sure

01:06:04find a positive

01:06:05in anything.

01:06:06So I wanted to know,

01:06:06I didn't know how to say it,

01:06:07but I wanted to know

01:06:08if there were any

01:06:09good days

01:06:12in the Bergen-Belsen

01:06:14concentration camp.

01:06:16All right,

01:06:16all right,

01:06:17all right.

01:06:18Yeah,

01:06:18all right.

01:06:19No,

01:06:20all right.

01:06:20Shut up.

01:06:21Shut up.

01:06:22Because,

01:06:22fuck,

01:06:23whatever.

01:06:23Because my thought process

01:06:24was,

01:06:24they're not all equal days.

01:06:27There had to be

01:06:28better and worse days.

01:06:29You know,

01:06:30like if one day

01:06:30was like 59 and raining

01:06:31and the next day

01:06:32was like 71 and sunny.

01:06:37I know they're all

01:06:38concentration camp days,

01:06:39but one day is a better day

01:06:40than the other day.

01:06:43Guys,

01:06:44I don't know.

01:06:45You ask,

01:06:46that's how you find out

01:06:47about life.

01:06:48So there had to be

01:06:49a better or worse day.

01:06:49Whatever.

01:06:50So anyway,

01:06:51so I asked him.

01:06:52I was like,

01:06:53Zadie,

01:06:53that's how you say

01:06:53grandfather in Yiddish.

01:06:55And I was like,

01:06:55Zadie,

01:06:57I don't know how to say it,

01:06:57so I just said it.

01:06:58I was like,

01:06:58Zadie,

01:06:59were there any,

01:06:59were there any

01:07:00good days

01:07:02in the Bergen-Belsen

01:07:03concentration camp?

01:07:06And he,

01:07:07he goes,

01:07:08what the fuck

01:07:10is wrong with you?

01:07:10I mean,

01:07:12I mean,

01:07:18you were already

01:07:19a disappointment,

01:07:20but now I,

01:07:20what?

01:07:22Did you just ask me

01:07:23if the Holocaust

01:07:23was a good time?

01:07:27I'm like,

01:07:27shit,

01:07:28sorry,

01:07:28all right,

01:07:28I don't know,

01:07:29sorry.

01:07:30I'm doing this thing

01:07:31where I work on positivity.

01:07:32No,

01:07:32I'm sorry,

01:07:33my bad,

01:07:33all right,

01:07:34no,

01:07:3459 and raining,

01:07:3571 and sunny.

01:07:36All right.

01:07:39And he goes,

01:07:40oh,

01:07:40okay,

01:07:40I see,

01:07:41I see what you're doing.

01:07:42I get it.

01:07:42Well,

01:07:44he goes,

01:07:44all right,

01:07:44maybe at the very end

01:07:45there was one good day.

01:07:47And I go,

01:07:47oh,

01:07:48well,

01:07:48yeah,

01:07:48when you got liberated.

01:07:50And he goes,

01:07:51oh,

01:07:52okay,

01:07:53no,

01:07:53two good days there.

01:07:55I was like,

01:07:55oh,

01:07:56what was the other good day?

01:07:57And he goes,

01:07:57all right,

01:07:57well,

01:07:58we had this guy

01:07:59in there with us

01:07:59named,

01:08:00uh,

01:08:01named Feidelberg,

01:08:03Yoni Feidelberg.

01:08:04And I was like,

01:08:05who was he?

01:08:06He goes,

01:08:06he sucked.

01:08:19And I was like,

01:08:20Zadie,

01:08:20even for me,

01:08:21this is wild,

01:08:21the way you just said.

01:08:23And he goes,

01:08:24Ari,

01:08:24he didn't deserve to be in there.

01:08:25None of us deserve to be in there.

01:08:26Doesn't mean he didn't suck.

01:08:28I was like,

01:08:29what?

01:08:30And he broke it down for me.

01:08:31He was like,

01:08:31Ari,

01:08:31in every social circle,

01:08:33there's jocks

01:08:33and there's nerds.

01:08:35Grade school,

01:08:35high school,

01:08:36college,

01:08:36and work life.

01:08:37There's always popular kids

01:08:38and unpopular kids.

01:08:39And the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp

01:08:41was no different.

01:08:43We had very charismatic people in there.

01:08:45We had scholars.

01:08:46We had professors.

01:08:46We had very funny people,

01:08:47intelligent people.

01:08:48And then we had Yoni Feidelberg.

01:08:50He sucked.

01:08:52And I was like,

01:08:53what sucked about him?

01:08:54He goes,

01:08:54he was annoying.

01:08:55He was a close talker.

01:08:56I remember that.

01:08:58Nobody likes that.

01:08:59That's not new.

01:09:00He was always right here talking.

01:09:01You know those people.

01:09:02Take a step back

01:09:03and he'd slowly come forward.

01:09:06And he had this horrible breath.

01:09:07I remember that.

01:09:08He had this horrible,

01:09:08but this anorexic breath.

01:09:13He goes,

01:09:16we all had it,

01:09:17but we knew enough

01:09:18to take a step back.

01:09:20Not Feidelberg.

01:09:21He's always blowing lactic acid

01:09:22right in your mouth.

01:09:24He had worse stories.

01:09:25He's always trying to one-up

01:09:25people's stories,

01:09:26but he had worse stories.

01:09:27He was a one-underer.

01:09:28Worst kind of one-upper.

01:09:30I remember this one guy

01:09:31from Poland was like,

01:09:32he was talking about

01:09:32before the Holocaust.

01:09:33He goes,

01:09:33I won the lottery.

01:09:34He goes,

01:09:34wow.

01:09:35I won 10,000 rubles

01:09:36on the lottery.

01:09:37That's so cool.

01:09:38And then Feidelberg was like,

01:09:39I found a dollar once.

01:09:40And we're like,

01:09:41shut up, Feidelberg!

01:09:44No, they're talking

01:09:45to you,

01:09:45you're shit, Brad!

01:09:50He just sucked.

01:09:51He made the Holocaust worse.

01:09:54I was like,

01:10:00Zadie,

01:10:00what was the good day?

01:10:01He goes,

01:10:02sorry, sorry.

01:10:03I haven't thought about

01:10:03that guy in so long.

01:10:05He goes,

01:10:05all right,

01:10:06so one day I was out

01:10:06doing my chores

01:10:07and Nazis would give me

01:10:08these work to do,

01:10:09these tasks to do.

01:10:10I think that day

01:10:11I was out digging

01:10:12a mass grave.

01:10:16Well, look it up.

01:10:18And he goes,

01:10:20I got back to the barracks

01:10:21and everybody was smiling.

01:10:22Everybody was in good mood

01:10:22and I was like,

01:10:22what's going on?

01:10:23Because we heard rumors

01:10:24that the Russian army

01:10:25was advancing.

01:10:26The Nazis were worried

01:10:26about it.

01:10:27They'd whisper about it.

01:10:28We'd hear them.

01:10:29And I was like,

01:10:29is that what's happening?

01:10:30The Russians coming?

01:10:30Are we getting out of here?

01:10:32And they were like,

01:10:32no, we're not.

01:10:34No, we're never

01:10:35getting out of here.

01:10:36I was like,

01:10:37what's going on then?

01:10:38He goes,

01:10:38there's one older Jew

01:10:39who's all broken down

01:10:41and like feeble

01:10:41and he slowly stood up

01:10:43off his bunk

01:10:43and he goes,

01:10:44today,

01:10:45while you were gone,

01:10:48they gassed up

01:10:49Feidelberg.

01:10:50And we all

01:10:53just started

01:10:54jumping

01:10:55and dancing

01:10:56and singing

01:10:57Hava

01:10:58Don't get a

01:10:59Hava

01:11:00Don't get a

01:11:01Oh,

01:11:02some of the Nazis

01:11:02were like,

01:11:03you keep it down in there.

01:11:04But we couldn't,

01:11:04we couldn't be silenced.

01:11:06We were free men

01:11:07that day.

01:11:09People were high-fiving.

01:11:11Some people were

01:11:11too weak to high-five.

01:11:12We'd lift their arm

01:11:13for them.

01:11:15We'd give them

01:11:16one last fucking

01:11:16celebration.

01:11:21All right.

01:11:21Well,

01:11:22that is a,

01:11:25that is a room divider.

01:11:30Yeah,

01:11:31not everybody,

01:11:32not everybody's

01:11:33on board with that.

01:11:35Some of you liked it.

01:11:36Some probably

01:11:36for the wrong reasons.

01:11:40Still,

01:11:41others of you

01:11:41were pretty much,

01:11:42hey,

01:11:42I can see your

01:11:43aggressive frowns

01:11:44coming at me.

01:11:44And just so you know,

01:11:46it's my advice.

01:11:47If you hated that joke

01:11:48or any other one,

01:11:50I would say,

01:11:50focus on the jokes

01:11:51you did like.

01:11:53You know,

01:11:54focus on the positives.

01:11:56Don't leave here

01:11:56going,

01:11:57how was yours?

01:11:57Your fears?

01:11:58You go,

01:11:58well,

01:11:58that one joke

01:11:58I hated.

01:11:59Don't leave with that.

01:12:01You know,

01:12:01don't be like,

01:12:01LeBron didn't win

01:12:02a lot of years.

01:12:03Don't be that guy.

01:12:08And also,

01:12:09this is my final thing

01:12:10I'll say,

01:12:10if you really hated

01:12:11that joke,

01:12:11just so you know,

01:12:12it's not me

01:12:12you're mad at.

01:12:13It's my

01:12:14Holocaust survivor

01:12:15grandfather

01:12:16that you had.

01:12:18Washington,

01:12:19D.C.,

01:12:19you guys have been

01:12:20absolutely great.

01:12:22Thank you very much,

01:12:23everybody.

01:12:26We're holding it together.

01:12:28This is a real joy

01:12:29for me,

01:12:29everybody.

01:12:30Thank you very much.

01:12:32You guys fucking roll.

01:12:33It was great

01:12:34to do this

01:12:34back at home.

01:12:34I saw you giving signals

01:12:52from the plate.

01:12:54Movement of your fingers

01:12:55made me tinkle,

01:12:56made me shake.

01:12:58Sunday shining through

01:12:59Your eyes

01:13:01caught my little

01:13:03heartbeat tree.

01:13:04Oh,

01:13:05I thought

01:13:05I think I knew

01:13:06you were my dream.

01:13:09I think I knew

01:13:10you were my dream.

01:13:13Catch it.

01:13:14Catch it.

01:13:15Catch it.

01:13:21Catch it.

01:13:23Oh,

01:13:23how I stopped

01:13:24your hips

01:13:25mushed running down.

01:13:27I licked my lips.

01:13:30Thumb all in the air.

01:13:31You jumped into the

01:13:33cramming ass

01:13:34of your mind.

01:13:34You're dead.

01:13:35I said,

01:13:36I never feel so wrong

01:13:37cause you're my one

01:13:38and only

01:13:39do.

01:13:41Yes,

01:13:41you're my one

01:13:42and only do.

01:13:46Catch it.

01:13:52Catch it.

01:13:54Catch it.

01:13:56Catch it.

01:13:57Catch it.

01:13:59Catch it.

01:14:02Catch it.

01:14:07When darkness creeps into my brain

01:14:15And I want everyone to die

01:14:18I grab your jersey and I squeeze it tight

01:14:25And drink of it

01:14:27I love the bitter stink of it

01:14:32And slowly I begin to rise

01:14:37Watch me flashing through the sky

01:14:42Oh, catch me, catch me as I fly

01:14:47Good will I ever catch your eyes

01:14:52But as I want you on the field

01:15:02Everybody knows

01:15:03I just want to take your weight

01:15:05Watch, won't rip your

01:15:07Stuff when I want you on the field

01:15:10Everybody knows

01:15:12I just want to take your weight

01:15:13Watch, won't

01:15:15Stuff when I want you on the field

01:15:18Everybody knows

01:15:20I just want to take your weight

01:15:21Watch, won't

01:15:23Stuff when I want you on the field

01:15:26Everybody knows

01:15:28I just want to take your weight

01:15:29Talk to you,

Category

Transcript

Recommended