Ari Shaffir: America's Sweetheart (2025)

Izay Entertainment

Transcript

00:00:00Every town I figured out, every city gets either crack or heroin, crack and meth or heroin as their chief affliction.

00:00:15And, uh, D.C.'s a crack town.

00:00:20It's always been a bad, sure, be proud of it. I hate it.

00:00:28They're too active.

00:00:30Crackheads, they're always scurrying.

00:00:34Can't pin them down. Unpredictable movements. They're like a new snowboarder ahead of you.

00:00:39Like, make a full turn.

00:00:43Always, like, looking for a trash can to rifle through or a cop to stand nearby to act normal around.

00:00:51And they always want human contact only when they have visible cuts on their body.

00:00:57That's the only thing.

00:00:58They're like, I got a dollar. Like, no, you know, you can't.

00:01:02I want a handshake. You're dripping blood out of your fingers. No.

00:01:09That's why I prefer heroin.

00:01:10Even when they want to bother you, they really don't have the energy for it.

00:01:15You know?

00:01:17Heroin, I was like, hey, man, you got a dollar. Can I get a dollar?

00:01:19I can't get a dollar.

00:01:20Every time you think they're done bending, they're like, no, I have more bent.

00:01:33Have you ever seen one? Have you ever seen a heroin addict fall asleep standing up?

00:01:37It's kind of beautiful.

00:01:41If you can get over what it means for your neighborhood, you know, it's such a slow, graceful Tai Chi of failure.

00:01:48Yeah. When I see them slowly falling off, I like to imagine I'm an X-Man and I have super speed and I just run around them.

00:01:59You just make noise like, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.

00:02:07No, it's a problem.

00:02:10I don't know what to do about it. I have no idea how to help.

00:02:13I don't know how to help a meth head.

00:02:14Here's how you help a heroin addict.

00:02:15If you want to help them, put a hat by them and paint them silver.

00:02:26I don't know if it'll help. It will beautify the neighborhood.

00:02:29I'm trying to, I'm trying to focus on positivity lately.

00:02:34That's what I'm doing in my life.

00:02:35I'm trying to, you know, there's so much negative shit in the world.

00:02:38Yeah, woo for the negative.

00:02:41No, it's everywhere.

00:02:42But I've always found there's like, there's an angle on everything that is good.

00:02:47No, maybe you don't know what I'm talking about.

00:02:49Maybe you're like, explain it, Ari, while you're up there.

00:02:52I'm like, there's always a good, okay, okay, COVID.

00:02:55That's a good example.

00:02:56A lot of people died during COVID.

00:02:57But some of those people were cunts.

00:03:04Let's not lose sight of those dead cunts.

00:03:08You know somebody cut you off in traffic eight years ago, and you go, I hope you die.

00:03:13And they did.

00:03:15It's not the way you're expecting.

00:03:17The Lord works in mysterious ways.

00:03:18We had this old couple live below me in New York.

00:03:22We live like rats in New York.

00:03:24And I got a puppy.

00:03:26He's that fucking big.

00:03:27He would run across the floor.

00:03:28And they'd fucking bang with a broom handle.

00:03:30They'd be like, shut the fuck up.

00:03:32A puppy chasing a sock.

00:03:34They'd wait till nine o'clock.

00:03:35They'd be like, it's 9.01 p.m.

00:03:36You shut the fuck up out there.

00:03:38God, I hated them so much.

00:03:40Well, they don't bang anymore.

00:03:46Yeah, because some hero in China ate an iguana or whatever.

00:03:49I don't know.

00:03:51I don't know the whole story.

00:03:54I don't have to know.

00:03:56Too busy playing with my dog.

00:03:57Like, focus on the positive is what I'm trying to tell you.

00:04:02And every time I see a heroin addict, I'm like, that is excellent balance.

00:04:08You know?

00:04:09I once saw one asleep standing up on a New York City subway.

00:04:13Nobody understands how wild that is.

00:04:16Have you ever been on a bus or a train and stood up and not held on to the fucking bar?

00:04:22You've tried.

00:04:23We've all tried.

00:04:24The doors are closing.

00:04:25You're arranging a bag.

00:04:26You're like, oh, shit, well, I'll just post up.

00:04:28I should be fine.

00:04:30You know?

00:04:31You're like, I played basketball in high school.

00:04:33There should be no issue.

00:04:35And then within three seconds, like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

00:04:38And you're just down.

00:04:40It's on someone's lap.

00:04:43This guy, ten stops, just...

00:04:53What is it?

00:04:54Heroin.

00:04:56You've got to research that ingredient and give it to the U.S. gymnastics team.

00:05:03You guys ever watch gymnastics?

00:05:06Yeah.

00:05:07Olympics, right?

00:05:08Yeah.

00:05:09It's a weird sport.

00:05:10Any other time you watch gymnastics, you are a pedophile.

00:05:14The whole sport is 12-year-olds in bathing suits stretching.

00:05:21But for two weeks, every four years, you're a patriot.

00:05:23You know who loves the Olympics more than anybody?

00:05:30Pedophiles.

00:05:30Yeah.

00:05:31They're just at home going, I can't believe this is on NBC.

00:05:33This is...

00:05:34This is wild.

00:05:38No more dark web for Bobby.

00:05:42Yeah.

00:05:42They're like, next stop.

00:05:43Men's basketball.

00:05:43Like, boom!

00:05:44No!

00:05:45More boys!

00:05:45I watch gymnastics for the same reason I watch NASCAR.

00:05:51For the failures.

00:05:54Yeah.

00:05:54I want to see it bad, too.

00:05:55I really want to see it bad.

00:05:56I want to see...

00:05:57I've never seen this.

00:05:57I want to see this in gymnastics.

00:05:58I want to see, like, flip, flip, flip, neck.

00:06:03Yeah, I've got problems.

00:06:05I just want that...

00:06:06I want to hear the announcer go, cut away right now.

00:06:07I'm going to be sick.

00:06:08You know, don't you want to say, I saw it before they scrubbed it from the internet.

00:06:13I saw it live.

00:06:17I've never seen that, but I have seen failure on a small level.

00:06:20I like when they mess up at the end, too.

00:06:22That's my favorite.

00:06:23When they fuck up on the landing.

00:06:25The part no one cares about.

00:06:28You know?

00:06:28If I tell you picture gymnastics in your head, none of you picture this.

00:06:38And that's the part that ruins it?

00:06:41Oh, that's so funny to me.

00:06:44I like when they're up there doing it.

00:06:45Because here's the deal.

00:06:47You know when they're up there and they're most of the way through?

00:06:48You know when they think they're crushing it.

00:06:50You know?

00:06:51Anything you're most of the way through, you know when you're crushing it.

00:06:53No matter what you do.

00:06:54High or low.

00:06:54You could be a garbage man.

00:06:56You could be like, not a single broken bag today.

00:06:59You know?

00:07:00Two more blocks, I'll be in the garbage man hall of fame.

00:07:05You know, if you're a lawyer, like,

00:07:07I put away so many innocent black teenagers this week.

00:07:13Whatever brings you joy.

00:07:15And they're up there, too, doing all their flips.

00:07:18And they're in their head when they're most of the way.

00:07:19They're like, I'm crushing this.

00:07:20I'm going to win Olympic gold.

00:07:22This is a 10.0.

00:07:23I'm going to be on the cover of the Wheaties box.

00:07:25Endorsement deals.

00:07:26I'm going to be America's sweetheart.

00:07:28And they have to dismount.

00:07:29They come down.

00:07:30Fuck!

00:07:34Assistant high school gymnastics coach.

00:07:37That's the best you can be now.

00:07:43They just want to cry.

00:07:44We're all like, ah!

00:07:45Do the hands first.

00:07:46I'm like...

00:07:46Yeah, we're all at home going,

00:08:02you fucking bitch.

00:08:05You're going to embarrass us in front of China like that?

00:08:11Yeah, it could all be avoided.

00:08:13Just a little bit of heroin.

00:08:16You know?

00:08:17Same thing.

00:08:18Flip, flip, flip.

00:08:19Come down and just...

00:08:20That's all right.

00:08:33So next time, uh...

00:08:34Next time you see a heroin out in your neighborhood,

00:08:36don't go, what the fuck?

00:08:37Go, possible gymnast.

00:08:40You know?

00:08:40Focus on the positives.

00:08:41That's what I'm trying to say.

00:08:44Here's how I do it.

00:08:45Here's how I stay away from fucking negative shit

00:08:46and stay positive.

00:08:47For the last five years,

00:08:48I have not read or watched the news.

00:08:52Yeah, cool.

00:08:53Some of you are on board.

00:08:54It's never good.

00:08:55You don't really have to watch it.

00:08:56I know this is a fucking news town,

00:08:58but it really doesn't do you any...

00:08:59It's never like,

00:09:00here's a fun summer recipe.

00:09:03No, it's always like,

00:09:03read this article

00:09:04and then cut out four of your friends.

00:09:07It's always shitty.

00:09:09And people are like,

00:09:09well, you got to stay informed.

00:09:10I'm like, I don't think you do.

00:09:13Besides the weather,

00:09:14none of it matters to you.

00:09:15For real, for real.

00:09:17You know?

00:09:18They try to get you riled up.

00:09:19Like, we pull out of Afghanistan too fast.

00:09:21And I was like,

00:09:21I was never gonna go there.

00:09:26You know?

00:09:26My vacation plans didn't come down

00:09:28between Maui and Kabul.

00:09:32And now, neither, I guess.

00:09:35I didn't start the fire.

00:09:47Relax.

00:09:49But the little stuff doesn't matter.

00:09:52The big stuff you will find.

00:09:53Like 9-11, you know?

00:09:54If you weren't watching the news,

00:09:55somebody would have told you.

00:09:57About 9...

00:09:58By 9-19,

00:09:59pretty much everybody knew.

00:10:05Guaranteed,

00:10:07nobody went to downtown New York

00:10:09like Thanksgiving of that year.

00:10:11Just going like,

00:10:12wait, where...

00:10:13Where are the two ones?

00:10:18I thought the two ones

00:10:19were like right here.

00:10:21What happened?

00:10:25You know what I have to think about

00:10:26sometimes though?

00:10:27Who was the last person

00:10:29to find out about 9-11?

00:10:32Like, somebody had to be camping.

00:10:35You know,

00:10:36out of cell phone service.

00:10:38You have no idea.

00:10:39Show up at your campsite

00:10:40on 9-9.

00:10:42Four days of trout fishing.

00:10:43Let the world burn.

00:10:44What do we care?

00:10:48You have no idea

00:10:50what's being planned

00:10:50by the Jews who planned it.

00:10:58Call all your friends

00:10:58on the ride back in.

00:10:59What are we doing this weekend?

00:11:00What are we doing this weekend?

00:11:05No way, bro.

00:11:06Nothing.

00:11:06You're like, what do you mean?

00:11:07Like, because 9-11.

00:11:08You're like, what?

00:11:09No, I'm talking about 9-14.

00:11:11Friday night.

00:11:15You still find out about stuff

00:11:17even if you don't read the news.

00:11:18I found out, uh,

00:11:19my friends told me that

00:11:20Kanye West hates Jews.

00:11:23Did you guys hear that?

00:11:24You've heard that?

00:11:25Wow.

00:11:26I didn't hear it.

00:11:26I was like, where'd you hear that?

00:11:27He was like, uh,

00:11:28it's on his Twitter.

00:11:29And I was like,

00:11:31oh, I don't follow him on Twitter.

00:11:32I follow him on Spotify.

00:11:35And he's considerably better

00:11:37on Spotify.

00:11:39Yeah.

00:11:40If you're following

00:11:40one of the best musicians

00:11:41of our lifetime,

00:11:42not on a music site,

00:11:43you are doing it wrong.

00:11:46On Twitter,

00:11:47he's a local lunatic.

00:11:48On Spotify,

00:11:49Jesus walks with him.

00:11:55Dude, I like Kanye West music

00:11:56so much.

00:11:57When he was like,

00:11:57I hate Jews,

00:11:58I'm like, let's hear him out.

00:11:59Go ahead, Kanye.

00:12:03I have Jewish parents.

00:12:04They can be annoying.

00:12:04What do you have to say?

00:12:08My thing is like,

00:12:09I don't know,

00:12:09hate Jews if you want,

00:12:10but just like,

00:12:12write a song about it.

00:12:15You know?

00:12:16We don't have to agree

00:12:17with your message.

00:12:18If it slaps,

00:12:19we'll get behind you.

00:12:22He's done it before.

00:12:23We don't agree

00:12:24with everything he says.

00:12:25Kanye West made a hit song

00:12:26calling every woman in here

00:12:27a fucking gold-digging whore.

00:12:30And women all over America

00:12:31are like,

00:12:32play that one.

00:12:32You got me on that one.

00:12:34Ooh, I do expect

00:12:35a fucking nice car,

00:12:36but run that back.

00:12:37I have fucking rules.

00:12:39Dude, if you made

00:12:40a fucking banger

00:12:41about Jews,

00:12:43bro, everybody

00:12:43would dance to it.

00:12:45They would.

00:12:45Jews would dance to it

00:12:46if it went hard enough.

00:12:49You know?

00:12:49We'll dance like this.

00:12:54But we'll still dance to it.

00:12:55People are like,

00:13:00Kanye's crazy.

00:13:00I'm like,

00:13:01yeah, I know he's crazy.

00:13:01He's a high-level artist.

00:13:04They're all crazy.

00:13:05The high, high-level guys,

00:13:07the generational guys,

00:13:08they're not like us.

00:13:09They're lunatics,

00:13:10and that's how they're

00:13:10better than us.

00:13:11I'm a low-level artist,

00:13:12and I'm weird.

00:13:14The high-level artists

00:13:15are all fucking lunatics.

00:13:17You know?

00:13:18That's always been,

00:13:19by the way.

00:13:19That's not new.

00:13:20Remember Van Gogh?

00:13:22You think he was chill

00:13:26to be around?

00:13:31Bro, he cut his ear off.

00:13:34Made beautiful paintings,

00:13:36but if you're like,

00:13:36should we invite Van Gogh

00:13:37to the party on Saturday?

00:13:38Do not invite Van Gogh

00:13:39to the party on Saturday.

00:13:41He'll ruin the party.

00:13:44Same thing with Kanye West.

00:13:45Nothing but bangers

00:13:46for 20 years.

00:13:47If he walked in here right now,

00:13:49I would evacuate the building.

00:13:52The highest-level guys

00:13:55are all craids.

00:13:55Like, Michael Jackson,

00:13:56you gotta rape!

00:14:11And people are like,

00:14:11Kanye's sick.

00:14:12I'm like, yeah,

00:14:12he's a sick fuck.

00:14:13He likes a quick fuck.

00:14:14I know.

00:14:15I know all about him.

00:14:17He fucking rules.

00:14:20He made a fucking gospel album

00:14:21that's as good

00:14:22as Aretha Franklin's.

00:14:24You don't get that

00:14:25by being one of us.

00:14:27You don't want...

00:14:28I'm just telling you,

00:14:28next time you're a fucking

00:14:29local artist or whatever,

00:14:30anybody you like

00:14:31fucking acts up,

00:14:32just be like, sweet,

00:14:33we're gonna get another Donda.

00:14:36You know?

00:14:36You don't want

00:14:37a well-behaved artist.

00:14:37That's not what

00:14:38you're looking for.

00:14:38You know what you get

00:14:39when you get

00:14:40a well-behaved artist?

00:14:40You know what you get?

00:14:41Jimmy Fallon.

00:14:42Jimmy Fallon.

00:14:43Nobody gives a shit

00:14:47about Jimmy Fallon.

00:14:51If he dies,

00:14:52his gravestone will say,

00:14:53here lies replaceable.

00:15:01Yeah.

00:15:03Kanye's an all-time great, man.

00:15:05Here's when I finally figured out

00:15:05how great Kanye was.

00:15:06Here's when I finally figured it out.

00:15:08I was watching a video,

00:15:08and it made it clear to me

00:15:10what a great artist he was.

00:15:11He was actually,

00:15:12he's actually not in the video.

00:15:14But I was watching,

00:15:15I was like,

00:15:15oh, if Kanye was in this,

00:15:16I'm like, oh,

00:15:17he might be the best of all time.

00:15:19It was a,

00:15:20it was a high school football game.

00:15:22Maybe you've seen this video.

00:15:23I think there's a few like it.

00:15:24It was a small high school.

00:15:25And they put in,

00:15:26for one play only,

00:15:27they put in a new player.

00:15:27They put in a kid

00:15:29with, with, uh,

00:15:29with Down syndrome.

00:15:33You can fucking feel

00:15:34the tension in here.

00:15:37You can feel everyone.

00:15:39I'm like, come on, man.

00:15:39Please don't.

00:15:42It was like an odd,

00:15:44heavy silence.

00:15:46Relax, you guys.

00:15:47I gotta be cool about it.

00:15:48Oh, my God.

00:15:49You're like, please,

00:15:49come on,

00:15:50go back to the heroin stuff.

00:15:52I liked the video.

00:15:54It made me cry.

00:15:54I'll be, whatever.

00:15:56Yeah, I'm callous.

00:15:57I'm not that callous.

00:15:59You ever cry at a video?

00:16:00Yeah, of course.

00:16:01You can be a man enough

00:16:02to admit it.

00:16:02It happens.

00:16:03The right level of tired,

00:16:05right level of high.

00:16:05You know,

00:16:09you click on a link

00:16:09and you just start fucking,

00:16:11just start weeping

00:16:13in between episodes

00:16:13of Rick and Morty.

00:16:18Yeah, and Down syndrome

00:16:19plays running back

00:16:20is one of those videos.

00:16:22Yeah, honestly,

00:16:23if you don't cry at that,

00:16:24you might be a sociopath.

00:16:26What else gets me?

00:16:27What else gets me to cry?

00:16:28I like, I like, uh,

00:16:29I like Down syndrome

00:16:29plays running back.

00:16:30I like, uh,

00:16:32oh, I like Soldier Comes Home

00:16:33and Surprises His Dog.

00:16:35Yeah, kills me every time.

00:16:37The dog fucking looing.

00:16:38He's like,

00:16:38fucking, there's not enough

00:16:43wiggle on his tail

00:16:43to express his joy.

00:16:49I like, I like that one

00:16:50better than Soldier Comes Home

00:16:50and Surprises His Kid.

00:16:52Yeah.

00:16:53Fuck that kid.

00:16:54That kid sucks.

00:16:56That kid fucking sucks.

00:16:58Why are you in this army video?

00:16:59You've never done a push-up.

00:16:59Why are you in an army video?

00:17:03It's always the same.

00:17:04The kid's sitting there

00:17:05in the class, you know,

00:17:06everyone's looking at him.

00:17:07He's like,

00:17:07why is everyone staring at me?

00:17:08What's going on?

00:17:10He's got no idea.

00:17:11The back door opened up.

00:17:12The dad's there in the light.

00:17:13Full army outfit, you know,

00:17:14medals on his shoulders.

00:17:16Fucking Arab blood

00:17:17still in his hands.

00:17:22He came directly back

00:17:23from like strangling

00:17:24a Mogadishu in or like

00:17:26some country we're not

00:17:28even officially in.

00:17:30You know, and he's like,

00:17:31Jackson, he's like,

00:17:32get on me!

00:17:34And I feel nothing.

00:17:40But I do like

00:17:41Soldier Surprises Dog

00:17:42and I do like

00:17:43Down Syndrome

00:17:44plays running back.

00:17:46Yeah.

00:17:47And, oh,

00:17:47and I like,

00:17:48you ever see,

00:17:49you ever see Autistic Kid

00:17:50plays basketball?

00:17:52That's a good one, bro.

00:17:53That's a fucking good one.

00:17:54The SM Kid keeping scoreboard

00:17:56the whole year

00:17:56by heart

00:17:57and, uh,

00:17:59with like a minute left,

00:18:00like, put in the Autistic Kid,

00:18:01you know?

00:18:03Open lane,

00:18:03fuck it,

00:18:04keeps missing,

00:18:05nobody's rebounding.

00:18:06Everyone's like,

00:18:07come on, Autistic Kid!

00:18:10And he finally buckets one.

00:18:11Everyone's like,

00:18:11yes!

00:18:14Oh, that feels good.

00:18:16One out of ten

00:18:17of those Autistic Kids,

00:18:18they figure out

00:18:19the angle, though.

00:18:20And they got like that,

00:18:21it was like 39.7 degrees

00:18:22and he just starts fucking.

00:18:25Just raining threes.

00:18:27And he's just like...

00:18:29Someone drops that popcorn

00:18:44and he's like,

00:18:44146.

00:18:49And for some reason,

00:18:50I don't know why,

00:18:51Autism never plays football

00:18:52and Down syndrome

00:18:53never plays basketball.

00:18:56They keep them real separate.

00:18:58I didn't make that rule.

00:18:58That is the rule.

00:19:00And none of them

00:19:01play baseball.

00:19:04They don't trust

00:19:05any of those kids

00:19:05with a bat.

00:19:08It'd be the same thing

00:19:09every time.

00:19:10Actually.

00:19:11But I'm not here

00:19:21to tell you about

00:19:21Autistic Kid

00:19:22Plays Basketball.

00:19:24I'm here to tell you

00:19:25about Down syndrome

00:19:26plays running back.

00:19:30So they send

00:19:31this kid in, right?

00:19:32And everyone in the stands

00:19:33in the video is like,

00:19:34Down syndrome's gonna

00:19:34play running back.

00:19:36I'm at home,

00:19:37I can feel the burn

00:19:38of a tear coming.

00:19:39Down syndrome's gonna

00:19:39play running back.

00:19:41They send this kid in,

00:19:42everybody's huddled up,

00:19:43you know?

00:19:43My first thought,

00:19:44my very first thought was,

00:19:45I bet you

00:19:46this is gonna be

00:19:48a running play.

00:19:55There's almost no chance

00:19:56at play action fake

00:19:57on this next play.

00:20:02However,

00:20:03it would work.

00:20:08It would work.

00:20:10Bro,

00:20:10a fake handoff

00:20:11to a down syndrome

00:20:12running back.

00:20:17That's six points.

00:20:18That's six points

00:20:18anytime you want it.

00:20:21You gotta be a gutsy OC

00:20:23to make that call.

00:20:26You gotta really have faith

00:20:27in the hands

00:20:28of your receivers

00:20:28to call a fake handoff

00:20:30to a down syndrome

00:20:31running back.

00:20:32If they drop that ball,

00:20:33you are fired.

00:20:34You gotta fucking,

00:20:35that's gotta go to house.

00:20:40But this is not

00:20:40a fake handoff

00:20:41to a down syndrome

00:20:42running back.

00:20:42It was an actual handoff.

00:20:43Wasn't even on a lateral.

00:20:44Why chance it?

00:20:49You know?

00:20:49Why toss?

00:20:50Good old-fashioned handoff.

00:20:57Quarterback gets it.

00:20:58Hite!

00:21:00Down syndrome kid gets it

00:21:01and he just fucking goes.

00:21:03Dude,

00:21:03it was so cute.

00:21:04You should have seen it.

00:21:05It was so fucking cute.

00:21:06The determination

00:21:06on his face.

00:21:08The jersey was so fucking

00:21:09big on him.

00:21:11It was down to his ankles

00:21:12like a fucking

00:21:12Met Gala ball gown

00:21:13that was so big.

00:21:14The helmet

00:21:17fit perfectly.

00:21:24I mean,

00:21:25the helmet was snug

00:21:26for sure,

00:21:26if anything.

00:21:28He might have

00:21:28brought it from home.

00:21:32And everyone in the stands

00:21:33like,

00:21:33don't you,

00:21:34get the ball!

00:21:35I'm at home,

00:21:36a tear comes down.

00:21:37I'm like,

00:21:37don't you,

00:21:37get the fucking ball!

00:21:39Two more tears coming.

00:21:40These are the 50,

00:21:41the 40.

00:21:41And then I realize,

00:21:42and I think everyone

00:21:43in the stands

00:21:43realized at the same time,

00:21:44we just didn't think it out.

00:21:45We're like,

00:21:46oh, fuck.

00:21:47He's gonna score.

00:21:49And we all kind of

00:21:49looked inside ourselves

00:21:50and we realized,

00:21:51like,

00:21:51I've actually never wanted

00:21:52anything more

00:21:52in my whole life

00:21:53than for this down-stitch

00:21:55drum kid to score

00:21:56a touchdown.

00:21:57You know?

00:21:58And everyone in the stands

00:21:59is like,

00:21:59retarded kid's gonna

00:22:00fucking score!

00:22:03I'm at home,

00:22:04retarded kid's gonna

00:22:05fucking score!

00:22:07Everybody's in a good mood.

00:22:08Fuck it.

00:22:09Opposite fans are high-fiving.

00:22:11Everything's good in the world

00:22:12because retarded kid's

00:22:13gonna fucking score!

00:22:15These are the 40,

00:22:16the 30.

00:22:16Rabbis and priests

00:22:17are high-fiving

00:22:18and kissing.

00:22:20These are the 20.

00:22:21Gaza and Israel

00:22:22are square dancing

00:22:22in a corner.

00:22:24There is no evil today

00:22:26because retarded kid's

00:22:27gonna fucking score!

00:22:29I'm fucking openly weeping.

00:22:31These are the 20,

00:22:31the 10,

00:22:32the 5,

00:22:334,

00:22:333.

00:22:34If Kanye West was there,

00:22:35he would tackle that kid.

00:22:36Greatest living

00:22:41American musician.

00:22:52Focus on the positive,

00:22:53I'm trying to tell you.

00:22:55Legitimately,

00:22:56Kanye West's

00:22:56anti-Semitism

00:22:57got me into his music.

00:22:59And I'm like,

00:23:00oh shit,

00:23:00he fucking goes hard.

00:23:02I never realized

00:23:03how great he was

00:23:03until I heard

00:23:04he was anti-Semitic

00:23:04and I'm like,

00:23:05let me check him out.

00:23:07There's a reason

00:23:08he's up there.

00:23:10What other examples

00:23:11did I give you

00:23:11of focusing on the positives?

00:23:13Oh, here's one

00:23:13from football.

00:23:14Remember, uh,

00:23:15remember DeMar Hamlin?

00:23:17Yeah, you know who that is?

00:23:19No, girls don't know.

00:23:21He's a player

00:23:21for the Buffalo Bills.

00:23:23You know who

00:23:23the Buffalo Bills are?

00:23:24It's a sports team.

00:23:25It's named after an animal.

00:23:27Okay.

00:23:29It's explaining too much.

00:23:32Yeah, he had a heart attack

00:23:33two years ago,

00:23:34middle of a game.

00:23:35Had a full heart attack.

00:23:36No one had ever seen

00:23:36anything like that before.

00:23:37Like, they thought

00:23:38he was gonna die.

00:23:38He ended up living,

00:23:39but they didn't know.

00:23:40I think he might have been

00:23:40fully dead for like a minute

00:23:41and they revived him.

00:23:42It was wild.

00:23:44No one's seen him before.

00:23:45Everybody was crying.

00:23:45Everybody in the Bills

00:23:46was crying.

00:23:47Everybody in the other team,

00:23:48the Bengals,

00:23:48they were all crying.

00:23:49The announcers were crying.

00:23:51Joe Rogan was saying

00:23:51it was the vaccine.

00:23:57Jesus, Joe.

00:23:58Let him get off

00:23:59the field first.

00:24:01Fucking calm down.

00:24:03Every time with that guy,

00:24:04you stubbed your toe

00:24:04like, fuck.

00:24:05You like, you vaccinated?

00:24:06I'm like, I don't know, dude.

00:24:07Give me a fucking hand.

00:24:13Everybody was upset

00:24:13at that game

00:24:14except one guy I saw there.

00:24:15One guy was focused

00:24:16on the positive,

00:24:17but he was in a good mood.

00:24:18It was Damar Hamlin's backup.

00:24:20There's so much fucking good.

00:24:32Where the fuck are you guys?

00:24:34It's okay.

00:24:36How dare you?

00:24:37Where's he going?

00:24:37To jerk off to Damar Hamlin?

00:24:40He was like,

00:24:41I haven't thought about

00:24:41that guy dying in so long.

00:24:43It gets me so hard.

00:24:43I gotta just fucking,

00:24:44I just gotta shoo one out.

00:24:50That's the biggest racist

00:24:51I've ever seen.

00:24:51Like, the thought

00:24:52of a dead black man

00:24:53gets me so fucking hard.

00:24:57Possibly too far.

00:25:00Possible, possible line.

00:25:04Too much good shit

00:25:05in the world is my point.

00:25:07What are the positives

00:25:08that we focus on?

00:25:08Here's one.

00:25:09How about this?

00:25:10School shootings.

00:25:10Sure, sure.

00:25:14That's a negative, right?

00:25:15What could possibly be

00:25:16the positive

00:25:17about school shootings?

00:25:17Well, here's one.

00:25:19Less carpool traffic tomorrow.

00:25:26Okay, I feel like

00:25:27there's a disconnect right now.

00:25:31Guys, I'm not saying worth it.

00:25:34I'm just saying

00:25:35there is a positive.

00:25:37Oh, you want school shootings

00:25:39and traffic?

00:25:40Or you want to be like,

00:25:45oh, I can't believe

00:25:45those kids are dead.

00:25:46Green, green, green.

00:25:52I'm not saying don't mourn.

00:25:53I'm just saying, you know,

00:25:54cry at the office

00:25:55when you get there

00:25:5520 minutes early.

00:26:02Guys,

00:26:03I'm joking.

00:26:05I hope you understand that.

00:26:09I know there's some moms in here.

00:26:10I can see your fucking

00:26:11yeah, it's just like

00:26:12it's a self-defense mechanism.

00:26:14You got to let in

00:26:15the horrors of the world

00:26:16or you can just use humor

00:26:17to drive it off.

00:26:18You don't have to face it.

00:26:19You can just ignore it.

00:26:21Unless you were thinking

00:26:22of becoming a school shooter.

00:26:24If you were thinking

00:26:25of becoming a school shooter,

00:26:26I'll,

00:26:27don't.

00:26:27For everybody else,

00:26:31ignore it.

00:26:34No, this shit bothers me sometimes.

00:26:36It's hard.

00:26:36But like, guys,

00:26:37America's a gun country.

00:26:38You know?

00:26:39Yeah, it's,

00:26:40I don't care.

00:26:41I don't care.

00:26:42Don't, I don't,

00:26:42I don't vote.

00:26:44I don't give a shit.

00:26:45I really don't care.

00:26:47You know?

00:26:47Don't shoot my dog.

00:26:48We're fine.

00:26:48That's all I care about.

00:26:50But we are a gun country.

00:26:52And when you're a gun country,

00:26:53people are going to get killed.

00:26:56So,

00:26:56who better

00:26:57than a child?

00:27:02They don't contribute

00:27:03to the GDP

00:27:04like at all.

00:27:05Like at all.

00:27:07Zero taxes paid.

00:27:09Ask your son.

00:27:09He'll tell you.

00:27:10Zero.

00:27:12No, when adults get shot,

00:27:15that bothers me.

00:27:16That's us.

00:27:16That's our people.

00:27:19Those are contributing

00:27:20members of society.

00:27:23Yeah, you lose a 12-year-old,

00:27:24have a little grief sex.

00:27:25You're right back where you were.

00:27:32You know,

00:27:32you lose a 38-year-old,

00:27:33now who's driving the bus?

00:27:40Again,

00:27:41I'm joking.

00:27:45Where were you?

00:27:46How was it?

00:27:46Quick one, right?

00:27:48Mostly head,

00:27:49no shaft.

00:27:49Probably went for it.

00:27:50I get it.

00:27:54Talk about school shootings

00:27:55since you've been gone.

00:27:57No, they do bother me, though.

00:27:58I try to focus on pauses,

00:27:59but you can't help it sometimes.

00:28:01You get fucking,

00:28:01you hear so much.

00:28:02Some of these things,

00:28:03like,

00:28:04it's nuts.

00:28:05You talk to people

00:28:05from other countries,

00:28:05they don't have school shootings.

00:28:07They don't have adult shootings.

00:28:08USA.

00:28:08Some of them get terrible.

00:28:12We've had some bad,

00:28:12Vegas.

00:28:13That was the worst one, right?

00:28:15Las Vegas.

00:28:1550 people.

00:28:1750 people got killed

00:28:18at a country music festival.

00:28:20God damn.

00:28:20I remember feeling that.

00:28:21I was like,

00:28:22what the fuck happened

00:28:22to this country?

00:28:24And all my friends

00:28:24came to me,

00:28:25like,

00:28:25Ari,

00:28:25can you help,

00:28:26you know,

00:28:26you're so positive.

00:28:27Can you help us,

00:28:27like,

00:28:28get through this?

00:28:35I don't know.

00:28:36I mean,

00:28:38all right.

00:28:40At least it was country music.

00:28:47Yeah,

00:28:47I'm not saying people

00:28:48listening to country

00:28:49deserve to die.

00:28:50Not at all.

00:28:51I'm actually saying

00:28:52I believe less people died

00:28:53because it was country music.

00:28:55Yeah,

00:28:58here's why.

00:28:58Because I think

00:28:59people listening to country

00:29:00have more experience

00:29:00with firearms

00:29:01than people who do

00:29:02not listen to country.

00:29:04So they're able

00:29:04to analyze the situation

00:29:05and get to safety sooner.

00:29:07You know,

00:29:08as soon as gunfire broke out,

00:29:09like,

00:29:09oh,

00:29:09that's semi-automatic.

00:29:10My uncle has

00:29:11one of those.

00:29:13All right.

00:29:14Trajectory.

00:29:14Come on.

00:29:15This way, everybody.

00:29:15Hurry.

00:29:15Let's go.

00:29:18Could have been worse

00:29:19is what I'm saying.

00:29:19Thank God.

00:29:20Thank God

00:29:21it was not EDM.

00:29:22All those poor people

00:29:26on Molly.

00:29:29You can't flee

00:29:30when you're on Molly.

00:29:32Just so you know,

00:29:33Molly's not a running away joke.

00:29:35It's a jumping up

00:29:36and down joke.

00:29:37You know,

00:29:38you're having a great time.

00:29:39I fucking love this DJ.

00:29:41You know,

00:29:42and then your friend's head

00:29:43just explodes

00:29:43and you're like,

00:29:44what?

00:29:44What?

00:29:45What?

00:29:46What?

00:29:47What?

00:29:48What?

00:29:49What?

00:29:50What?

00:29:51It's like,

00:30:07dude,

00:30:07we gotta get the fuck

00:30:08out of here.

00:30:09Right now.

00:30:09We gotta run.

00:30:11Well,

00:30:11you know what else

00:30:11you gotta do?

00:30:12You gotta hang out more.

00:30:15You're so cool.

00:30:16Why don't we spend

00:30:16more time together?

00:30:17I like you.

00:30:17Like,

00:30:18we were my best friends.

00:30:18Psh,

00:30:19death.

00:30:19No!

00:30:21I don't know

00:30:22what to do!

00:30:30Dude,

00:30:31have you guys

00:30:31heard this gunfire,

00:30:32though?

00:30:32It's like,

00:30:32everybody,

00:30:36go try the gunfire!

00:30:43Focus on the positive,

00:30:44that's what I'm trying

00:30:45to tell you.

00:30:46Stay off the news.

00:30:47Don't get involved.

00:30:48You know what I learned

00:30:49that?

00:30:49Here's what I learned it.

00:30:50Here's what I learned

00:30:51to stay off the news

00:30:51when it doesn't do you

00:30:52any good.

00:30:53It was, uh,

00:30:54it was Gabby Petito.

00:30:56Remember Gabby Petito?

00:30:57Yeah,

00:30:58girls know Gabby Petito.

00:30:58This is your Buffalo Bills.

00:31:04Boys don't really know.

00:31:05Girls do know.

00:31:06If you don't know

00:31:07who Gabby Petito was,

00:31:08she,

00:31:08well,

00:31:08was.

00:31:09Well,

00:31:09that's the story.

00:31:10Uh,

00:31:10she's pretty fucking dead.

00:31:12Spoiler alert.

00:31:16The next,

00:31:16the main character

00:31:17of this next part

00:31:17is gone.

00:31:19But,

00:31:20this is like,

00:31:20what is it,

00:31:21four,

00:31:21four years ago,

00:31:22something like that?

00:31:22Three,

00:31:23four,

00:31:23five years ago?

00:31:24She was a pretty young woman

00:31:25and she liked,

00:31:25she liked two things

00:31:26in the whole world.

00:31:27She loved hiking

00:31:28and she loved,

00:31:30uh,

00:31:30having sex

00:31:31with murderers.

00:31:34And what a terrible

00:31:35combination of things.

00:31:36It's the Reese's

00:31:39peanut butter cup of death.

00:31:41Hiking,

00:31:42get murderers,

00:31:42go back and play some murder.

00:31:43They're not on a hike.

00:31:45By the way,

00:31:46women in here,

00:31:46just so you know,

00:31:47when you go hiking

00:31:48with your boyfriend

00:31:48or husband,

00:31:49he thinks about it.

00:31:55We don't,

00:31:56we don't fully consider

00:31:57doing it.

00:31:57It's a synapse.

00:31:58We can't help that.

00:31:59It flashes by,

00:32:00but we overrule that thought.

00:32:01We're,

00:32:02we're kind of heroes

00:32:02when you think about it.

00:32:03You know,

00:32:07but the thought is

00:32:08you're off just going like,

00:32:09what a beautiful view.

00:32:11And 50, 50 is like,

00:32:12oh, no,

00:32:13no, no, no,

00:32:14no, no, no.

00:32:15Don't, don't, don't, don't.

00:32:18And I know women are like,

00:32:19we think about it too.

00:32:20We're like,

00:32:21yeah,

00:32:21but you're feeble.

00:32:25What are you going to do

00:32:26with your little twig arms?

00:32:27Nothing.

00:32:29You know,

00:32:29guys will be like,

00:32:30dude,

00:32:30this is a real beautiful view.

00:32:32I really like it.

00:32:33What the fuck?

00:32:35What are you doing?

00:32:37What are you,

00:32:37are you trying to kill me?

00:32:40That's,

00:32:41oh,

00:32:41oh.

00:32:51Anyway,

00:32:52so,

00:32:54Guy Petito was dating this murderer

00:32:55and you know how murderers be,

00:32:57they be murdering,

00:32:58so,

00:32:59she got fucking murdered.

00:33:00And everybody's reading about it every day

00:33:04and everybody's pretty upset.

00:33:05I didn't read a thing about it,

00:33:06so I didn't let anything into my heart.

00:33:08So,

00:33:08I didn't feel any of it,

00:33:10so I was just,

00:33:10you know,

00:33:10making fun of it on Instagram.

00:33:14My friends got mad at me.

00:33:15They're like,

00:33:15Ari,

00:33:15it's actually really sad

00:33:16if you read the articles.

00:33:17I'm like,

00:33:17I didn't read any of the articles.

00:33:20And they're like,

00:33:21well,

00:33:21if you read the articles,

00:33:21you'd be sad too.

00:33:22I'm like,

00:33:23why would you read the articles?

00:33:25She was dead

00:33:26before you knew she was alive.

00:33:31Like,

00:33:32did you just want to be sad?

00:33:37To me,

00:33:37to anybody who didn't read anything

00:33:38about Guy Petito,

00:33:39this is the whole story.

00:33:40You know how, like,

00:33:41a lot of people die every day?

00:33:43Another one.

00:33:47You can just not get caught up

00:33:49in any news story

00:33:50and it's a lot more fun.

00:33:51It really is.

00:33:52There's so much good in the world.

00:33:54Every year,

00:33:54they go,

00:33:55it can't get worse than last year.

00:33:56You hear it, right?

00:33:56It can't get worse than 2023.

00:33:58It can't get worse than 2022.

00:33:59It can't get worse than 2008.

00:34:01It's been going on forever

00:34:02and it just keeps

00:34:02getting legitimately better.

00:34:04You know,

00:34:05everything's pretty fucking good.

00:34:07I've been having so much fun.

00:34:08I've been shoplifting,

00:34:09like,

00:34:09a lot.

00:34:12Yeah.

00:34:13You guys steal at all?

00:34:14Anybody here steal?

00:34:16Here are you.

00:34:17Nice.

00:34:18Probably some of you don't.

00:34:19Who here,

00:34:19by round of applause,

00:34:20who here does not steal?

00:34:23Cool.

00:34:24Cool.

00:34:25No, it's okay.

00:34:25No, I used to be like you.

00:34:28Sucker,

00:34:28paying full price for everything.

00:34:31Then I read an article.

00:34:32My friend sent me an article.

00:34:33It changed the way

00:34:34I thought about the world.

00:34:35You ever read an article

00:34:36and as you're reading it,

00:34:37go like,

00:34:37are you talking directly to me?

00:34:41That's not new, by the way.

00:34:42That's been for a long time.

00:34:44Remember, uh,

00:34:45remember manspreading?

00:34:46Remember 12 years ago

00:34:48before the Me Too movement?

00:34:51When the worst thing facing women

00:34:52was the way men sat?

00:34:56Yeah, women were like,

00:34:57it doesn't get any worse than this.

00:34:58We're putting our foot down.

00:35:00And men were like,

00:35:01challenge accepted.

00:35:04Harvey,

00:35:04come talk to them.

00:35:09If you don't know

00:35:10what manspreading is,

00:35:11this is what it is.

00:35:11If you're sitting on the train

00:35:12or the bus

00:35:13if you're Latino,

00:35:14and, uh...

00:35:16If you sit like this,

00:35:21that's fine.

00:35:22Nobody cares.

00:35:22If you sit like that,

00:35:23women are like,

00:35:24stop it!

00:35:27You're doing it right now.

00:35:28She's all scrunched up.

00:35:29You're all like,

00:35:29she's scrunched your foot.

00:35:33Just so you know,

00:35:33guys, just so you know,

00:35:34women think we're oafs.

00:35:37Women think we see a chair,

00:35:38we're like,

00:35:38I don't know how to do it.

00:35:40I'm talking stupid idiot.

00:35:42Manspreading.

00:35:52What a dumb fucking term.

00:35:54As if it only affects women.

00:35:55It doesn't also affect men.

00:35:58Like, you think if I see

00:35:58two large Dominicans

00:35:59taking up six seats

00:36:00on the subway,

00:36:02what do you think I do?

00:36:03You think I'm like,

00:36:04excuse me, fellas,

00:36:04if you can tighten up

00:36:05a little bit.

00:36:07I believe that seat

00:36:08belongs to me.

00:36:09No, I stand right next

00:36:12to the lady cowards.

00:36:15All of us too ashamed

00:36:17to say excuse me.

00:36:19Women are like,

00:36:20but I would never sit like that.

00:36:21I'm like, no,

00:36:21in the summertime,

00:36:22we would clear out

00:36:23the whole subway car.

00:36:26But you swamp pussy,

00:36:28absolutely do not sit like that.

00:36:30That's a different

00:36:30life experience.

00:36:32That's not apples to apples,

00:36:33it's apples to fucking

00:36:34rancid fish.

00:36:39But I got the message,

00:36:40I try, I try now.

00:36:41When I sit on public

00:36:41transportation,

00:36:42I try to like,

00:36:43you know,

00:36:44eagle pose as best I can.

00:36:47Then I read another article

00:36:48probably like five years ago,

00:36:50maybe,

00:36:50and it was about,

00:36:51it was about white privilege.

00:36:53You guys ever heard of that?

00:36:56I had not heard of it.

00:36:57I'll be honest with you,

00:36:58didn't care for it.

00:37:01Not at all.

00:37:02Didn't like what it implied.

00:37:03It implied that I didn't work hard

00:37:05for what I've gotten,

00:37:06which that's bullshit.

00:37:07I work really hard.

00:37:08I'm gonna wake up every day

00:37:09by 6 p.m. to do this job.

00:37:13You know,

00:37:13I mostly only do coke and molly

00:37:15on weekdays.

00:37:17You know,

00:37:17it's been difficult.

00:37:18My parents cut me off financially

00:37:19only 10 years after college

00:37:21that they paid for.

00:37:25And then you think about it,

00:37:26like,

00:37:26all right,

00:37:26maybe I got a little bit.

00:37:28Maybe I have a little bit

00:37:29of white privilege.

00:37:30Once I accepted that,

00:37:31once I internalized it,

00:37:32maybe I do have

00:37:33white privilege,

00:37:34at that point,

00:37:36I just started stealing.

00:37:44You guys,

00:37:45just the white people

00:37:48for a second.

00:37:51They're not looking at us.

00:37:52You gotta read these articles.

00:38:01Don't fight the message.

00:38:02Read the words.

00:38:05They're a blueprint

00:38:06to free stuff.

00:38:08The one that got me,

00:38:09this guy was like,

00:38:09do you know what it's like

00:38:10to go to a store

00:38:10and have every clerk

00:38:11just staring at you

00:38:12for your every move?

00:38:13And I was like,

00:38:14no.

00:38:19No,

00:38:19I don't.

00:38:24Always steal,

00:38:25white people.

00:38:25I'm surprised more of you

00:38:26don't,

00:38:26to be honest.

00:38:27You ever use those

00:38:28self-checker things

00:38:29where you pay for

00:38:30some of your things?

00:38:33Yeah,

00:38:34more of you steal

00:38:34than you admit.

00:38:36It's like,

00:38:36boop,

00:38:37if it doesn't ring up

00:38:40the first time,

00:38:41it's not working,

00:38:42I'm taking it.

00:38:44I did this three times.

00:38:45The rule is,

00:38:46I'm just gonna put it

00:38:47on the corner.

00:38:49It's the thinnest veil

00:38:50justification

00:38:50for shoplifting.

00:38:52Oh,

00:38:52I love those

00:38:53self-checker things.

00:38:54Who do you think

00:38:55invented those?

00:38:57White people did.

00:38:58Yeah,

00:38:59white people made that

00:38:59for other white people.

00:39:01Yeah,

00:39:02it's for us,

00:39:04by us.

00:39:08That's our fubu.

00:39:10That's our fubu.

00:39:13Enjoy your sweatpants,

00:39:14black people.

00:39:16We get free groceries

00:39:17with our fubu.

00:39:21I stole an entire salmon

00:39:23from Whole Foods

00:39:23last week.

00:39:26Fuck Jeff Bezos.

00:39:31Is he gonna,

00:39:32is he gonna shutter

00:39:33his doors?

00:39:34I don't see that happening.

00:39:35It costs too much.

00:39:37Do you know how much

00:39:37a wild-caught

00:39:38Atlantic salmon costs?

00:39:41I also don't.

00:39:46It was too high a price.

00:39:47I was like,

00:39:48that's unreasonable.

00:39:48Now,

00:39:49zero now.

00:39:51You can do this

00:39:51to yourself.

00:39:52I just took it.

00:39:53Took it.

00:39:54Eyeballs to tail.

00:39:55Took the whole

00:39:55fucking thing.

00:39:57The fisherman got paid.

00:39:58Doesn't matter.

00:40:00Took the whole thing.

00:40:00I just put it on

00:40:01the bottom shelf

00:40:02of the cart.

00:40:02You know,

00:40:03the plausible

00:40:04deniability shelf.

00:40:10Black people,

00:40:11you gotta be white someday.

00:40:12It rules so fucking hard.

00:40:14Oh,

00:40:15it's the best.

00:40:17So,

00:40:17you probably don't know this.

00:40:19We shop different than you.

00:40:21So,

00:40:21the regular part of the cart,

00:40:22that's just like you.

00:40:23You pay for that.

00:40:24And then there's

00:40:24this bottom shelf

00:40:25that I don't know

00:40:26if you even noticed it.

00:40:27You might have just thought

00:40:28it was like a stabilizer

00:40:29or something.

00:40:31No,

00:40:31that's the white tack shelf.

00:40:34That's where all

00:40:34your free stuff goes.

00:40:35That's where all your

00:40:36beers

00:40:37and your waters

00:40:38and your wild-caught

00:40:40Atlantic salmon.

00:40:43They can't catch you.

00:40:44It's the best.

00:40:45They can't catch you.

00:40:46No,

00:40:46here's your worst case.

00:40:47This is absolutely

00:40:48the worst case scenario,

00:40:49right?

00:40:49You got all your paid stuff,

00:40:50all your free stuff,

00:40:51and you're fucking...

00:40:52And you're leaving.

00:40:55You're taking your car out.

00:40:56You're leaving.

00:40:56And then some clerk,

00:40:57he sees you.

00:40:58He says something.

00:40:58Like, overstepping,

00:40:59by the way.

00:41:01It's not your job.

00:41:02Nobody trained you in that.

00:41:05Just ring me up.

00:41:06And, uh...

00:41:07But you're leaving.

00:41:08He goes,

00:41:08excuse me.

00:41:09You're like,

00:41:09hi, how you doing?

00:41:09Excuse me.

00:41:10What do you need?

00:41:10They're like,

00:41:11what about that stuff?

00:41:12Like, what stuff?

00:41:12Like, the bottom shelf?

00:41:13Like, what bottom shelf?

00:41:15Oh, fuck, dude.

00:41:15I'm so sorry.

00:41:16I forgot.

00:41:17I forgot about that completely.

00:41:18I was thinking

00:41:18about the economy.

00:41:19I apologize.

00:41:20I was just...

00:41:22Yeah, that's the worst

00:41:23case scenario if you're white.

00:41:24You break even.

00:41:28I hope I'm getting

00:41:31through to you guys.

00:41:32I really do.

00:41:34I know a lot of comedians

00:41:35come with a message

00:41:36of brotherhood

00:41:36and togetherness.

00:41:38It's not my jam.

00:41:40My jam is free jam.

00:41:42If I am, by the way,

00:41:51let me tell you how to do it.

00:41:53You gotta start small.

00:41:54Work your way up.

00:41:55Okay?

00:41:56You're out of practice.

00:41:56Don't go right to auto theft

00:41:57on the way home.

00:41:59You will get in trouble.

00:42:01Start small.

00:42:02Like, there's no reason

00:42:02to pay for a banana

00:42:03in this town.

00:42:08No.

00:42:09White people

00:42:10do not pay for bananas.

00:42:11You should have to get

00:42:14the banana at Starbucks.

00:42:15You eat it in line

00:42:16at Starbucks.

00:42:18And then at some point

00:42:19you should go,

00:42:19oh, shit,

00:42:20and then just leave.

00:42:21Just casually leave.

00:42:23You can run or walk.

00:42:24Doesn't really matter.

00:42:26They'll see you.

00:42:27They'll assume you're late

00:42:27for a meeting

00:42:28and you probably brought

00:42:28a banana from home.

00:42:31Yeah.

00:42:32Let me tell you guys

00:42:33a stereotype about white people

00:42:34that you might not know.

00:42:36We all look like

00:42:37the type of person

00:42:38that brought a banana

00:42:39from home.

00:42:41That's our shit.

00:42:46If you're in a police lineup

00:42:47with a white guy,

00:42:48a black guy,

00:42:49a Latino,

00:42:49an Asian,

00:42:50and a fucking Native American,

00:42:51like, which one brought

00:42:52the banana from home?

00:42:52You're like,

00:42:53it's obviously the white guy.

00:42:54What do you mean?

00:42:58And let me say this

00:42:59to be clear.

00:42:59Black people,

00:43:00honestly,

00:43:01I hope you get

00:43:01white privilege

00:43:02someday soon.

00:43:04Yeah,

00:43:04I don't want to hoard it.

00:43:05I hope everyone

00:43:06has white privilege,

00:43:07but until that happens,

00:43:08man,

00:43:08you make excellent decoys.

00:43:15If I'm at CVS

00:43:16and three brothers walk in,

00:43:17I'm like,

00:43:18it's go time.

00:43:24I just turned invisible.

00:43:26All right.

00:43:26You're going to be brazen.

00:43:30You're going to be like,

00:43:30I'm stealing.

00:43:31Like,

00:43:31not right now.

00:43:32We got a situation over here.

00:43:35If they separate,

00:43:36I don't know what we're going to do.

00:43:41Yeah,

00:43:42next time somebody says,

00:43:43you have white privilege,

00:43:43go,

00:43:44thank you.

00:43:44I appreciate that.

00:43:44Thank you very much.

00:43:48Focus on the positives,

00:43:49that's what I'm trying to tell you.

00:43:51Too much good shit in the world.

00:43:52Stay off the fucking news.

00:43:53It's all fucking terrible,

00:43:54and it's all fucking political too.

00:43:56God damn,

00:43:56I hate that shit so much.

00:43:58I don't vote.

00:43:59Where's my news?

00:44:01Yeah,

00:44:01there's a few of us.

00:44:02Probably more.

00:44:04Yeah,

00:44:04in Washington,

00:44:05D.C.,

00:44:05you're embarrassed about that

00:44:06probably,

00:44:06right?

00:44:07Don't be.

00:44:07We're the strongest

00:44:08political movement

00:44:09in the country.

00:44:10We outnumber both sides

00:44:12two to one.

00:44:13We're half the country.

00:44:14Where's our news?

00:44:16Where's the news

00:44:17for the apathetic?

00:44:19If it was representative,

00:44:20it would be six minutes

00:44:21as Democrat,

00:44:21six minutes as Republican,

00:44:22and then 41 minutes

00:44:23of memes.

00:44:24All these news stories

00:44:31that we briefly cared about.

00:44:32You ever think back

00:44:33to the last 10 years

00:44:34of shit you once cared about

00:44:35and now we're like,

00:44:36that's dumb.

00:44:37You know?

00:44:38Ukraine.

00:44:38Remember when you stopped

00:44:39caring about Ukraine?

00:44:40Fucking,

00:44:41God damn,

00:44:41that story went on

00:44:42too long.

00:44:44It's like the show

00:44:44The Walking Dead.

00:44:45Like,

00:44:45wrap it up,

00:44:46Ukraine.

00:44:47We've moved on.

00:44:51Ukraine,

00:44:52the fucking Jew tunnels,

00:44:53January 6th,

00:44:54Lizzo's fat shaming,

00:44:55every Karen,

00:44:56Stop Asian Hate.

00:44:57Remember Stop Asian Hate?

00:44:58Remember when you couldn't

00:44:58kill Asian people

00:44:59for three months

00:45:00four years ago?

00:45:04Fucking Aurora,

00:45:06fucking,

00:45:06I don't know,

00:45:07all the statues

00:45:07coming down,

00:45:08every election,

00:45:09COVID,

00:45:10everything.

00:45:10It's just like,

00:45:11blech,

00:45:11deal with it.

00:45:13I'm going on a hike.

00:45:14Focus on the positives,

00:45:21that's what I'm trying

00:45:21to tell you.

00:45:23It's always talking good.

00:45:25Can I tell you guys,

00:45:27uh,

00:45:28yeah,

00:45:28you've been a,

00:45:29you've been a fucking

00:45:29great crowd so far.

00:45:31Yeah.

00:45:35Time for your grade.

00:45:37Not every comic does this,

00:45:39grades the audience

00:45:40in the middle of a show.

00:45:41I know you've been watching

00:45:42me this whole show.

00:45:43I've been watching you

00:45:43as well.

00:45:46Here's your grade.

00:45:48You were an A.

00:45:53Well,

00:45:53hold it.

00:45:56You were not an A+.

00:45:57Yeah,

00:45:58many of you non-Jews

00:46:00didn't even realize

00:46:00that was a possibility.

00:46:02Yeah,

00:46:03there's another grade

00:46:04on top of A

00:46:04you might not have

00:46:05been aware of.

00:46:06It's A+.

00:46:07You could have been

00:46:08an A+.

00:46:09There was one moment

00:46:09where you hiccuped

00:46:10as an audience.

00:46:11I could feel it.

00:46:12I don't know if you remember.

00:46:13It was a while ago.

00:46:13I wanted to turn on you

00:46:14really bad,

00:46:15but you came back.

00:46:17It was like 30 or 40 minutes ago.

00:46:19I'll tell you where.

00:46:20It was, uh,

00:46:21it was right when I switched

00:46:22from Down Syndrome

00:46:23to retarded.

00:46:28I could feel you guys

00:46:29as an audience.

00:46:30Just for a second.

00:46:31You're like,

00:46:31ha, ha, ha, ha,

00:46:32oh.

00:46:34Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

00:46:35You came back.

00:46:36You came back.

00:46:37But there was a moment.

00:46:37There was a moment.

00:46:38There was a moment.

00:46:38I'm gonna be honest

00:46:42with you guys.

00:46:43You gotta stand up

00:46:43for what you believe in

00:46:44in this world.

00:46:46And I'm trying

00:46:47to bring retarded back.

00:46:49Oh.

00:46:51Oh.

00:46:52Okay.

00:46:54Oh.

00:46:55Well, maybe it never left

00:46:56Southeast Washington, D.C.

00:46:58Maybe it's been here

00:46:59in hiding all along.

00:47:02They took it from us, everybody.

00:47:03They took it from us.

00:47:06Unconstitutionally.

00:47:08It was a casualty

00:47:09of the war

00:47:10against the N-word

00:47:11and the F-word.

00:47:14The N-word for black people

00:47:16and the F-word for gay people.

00:47:18And somebody,

00:47:19some goody-two-shoes

00:47:20was like,

00:47:20also the R-word.

00:47:21And we're like,

00:47:21don't do this.

00:47:25Please, please,

00:47:26don't do this.

00:47:28And we let them take it.

00:47:29The greatest word

00:47:30in the English language.

00:47:31Retarded.

00:47:37Bald eagle of words.

00:47:41We should have said something.

00:47:42We didn't say anything.

00:47:43We should have said something.

00:47:44We should have spoken up.

00:47:45We all waited

00:47:46for someone else

00:47:46to say something.

00:47:47I'm to blame, too.

00:47:48I was also a coward.

00:47:49I was waiting

00:47:50for someone else

00:47:50to speak up,

00:47:51and no one did.

00:47:52That's how the Holocaust started.

00:47:53Same way.

00:47:56Yeah, everybody's like,

00:47:57tell me like the Jews.

00:47:58Like, you tell me

00:47:58like the Jews.

00:47:59They seem pretty strong

00:48:01on this.

00:48:04And we let them take it.

00:48:05And to be clear,

00:48:06just so you know,

00:48:07I get it about

00:48:07the N-word and the F-word.

00:48:08We're not talking about those.

00:48:09We're only talking about retarded.

00:48:10The N-word and the F-word

00:48:11had to go.

00:48:12But they're gone now.

00:48:13They've been arrested.

00:48:15The N-word and the F-word

00:48:16are safely behind bars.

00:48:17They're never getting paroled.

00:48:19But retarded,

00:48:20that was a marijuana arrest.

00:48:22And we've got to correct

00:48:26these flimsy convictions.

00:48:29We just want to say it

00:48:30to our friends.

00:48:31It's actually a very

00:48:32positive word.

00:48:33You know,

00:48:34your friend falls like,

00:48:34ah, you're retarded.

00:48:35Like, ah, yeah,

00:48:37let's drink.

00:48:39You know,

00:48:40we just want to say it

00:48:40to our friends.

00:48:41And also about our enemies

00:48:42as well.

00:48:46And also about people

00:48:47with Down syndrome.

00:48:49Yeah, I want it

00:48:50all the way back.

00:48:51No compromise.

00:48:51They never should have left

00:48:52all the way back.

00:48:54All the way back.

00:48:54Pre-80s retarded rules.

00:48:58Never should have left.

00:48:59Again, I get it

00:48:59about the N-word

00:49:00and the F-word,

00:49:00but they're gone.

00:49:01Nobody's saying

00:49:02the N-word anymore.

00:49:03You're fucking nuts.

00:49:05And the F-word,

00:49:06that's only for

00:49:07text messages to friends.

00:49:13You've got to give us

00:49:14retarded.

00:49:15And I hope I'm getting

00:49:16through to you guys.

00:49:17I really do.

00:49:18I know I have a lot

00:49:19of messages here today,

00:49:19but I hope I'm getting

00:49:20through to you

00:49:20with this one.

00:49:21I know some of you

00:49:22are already using retarded.

00:49:23You keep going.

00:49:24Feel seen.

00:49:27Some of you are never

00:49:28going to say retarded,

00:49:28and you're still

00:49:29not going to.

00:49:29That's fine.

00:49:30You don't have to.

00:49:30More for us.

00:49:33And still,

00:49:34all those of you

00:49:34who are on the fence,

00:49:35and now you're going

00:49:35to be emboldened

00:49:36after this to go out

00:49:37and use retarded.

00:49:39Let me tell you

00:49:40what you're in store for.

00:49:42Let me tell you

00:49:42your future.

00:49:44You're going to be met

00:49:45with some level

00:49:46of resistance.

00:49:49Yeah,

00:49:50not everybody's

00:49:50on board

00:49:51with this message.

00:49:52Not everybody out there

00:49:53was at this rally today.

00:49:58You're going to feel

00:49:59some backlash for sure.

00:50:01You're going to go out

00:50:02there in Georgetown

00:50:02or some fucking

00:50:03cool part of town.

00:50:04You're going to,

00:50:04your bartender's going

00:50:05to be a 29-year-old

00:50:06first-year graduate

00:50:07with a sociology degree

00:50:08with blue hair.

00:50:11You know,

00:50:12you can picture it,

00:50:13spacers,

00:50:13you know.

00:50:16You're going to

00:50:17order a beer

00:50:17and she's going

00:50:18to bring you a truly

00:50:18for no reason at all

00:50:19because this fucking

00:50:21generation doesn't listen.

00:50:23But whatever,

00:50:24you're not going

00:50:24to make a big stink about it

00:50:25and you're going

00:50:25to go get it

00:50:26and your finger's

00:50:26going to hit it

00:50:26and you're going to

00:50:27spill it.

00:50:27You're going to go,

00:50:27fuck,

00:50:27you're picking up

00:50:28and you're fucking retarded.

00:50:29She's going to go,

00:50:30what did you say?

00:50:32No, no,

00:50:33you're not retarded.

00:50:34I'm the retard.

00:50:35You're fine.

00:50:35I'm retarded.

00:50:37She's going to go,

00:50:37stop.

00:50:38Say that!

00:50:42You're going to tell her.

00:50:43We're allowed.

00:50:44Ari Shaffir said we could.

00:50:48Yeah.

00:50:53Well,

00:50:53hold on.

00:50:57Because she's going to say,

00:50:59I don't know

00:50:59who the fuck that is.

00:51:01Who's Ari Shaffir?

00:51:03You're going to say

00:51:04he's a comedian.

00:51:05He's the least successful

00:51:05of all of his friends.

00:51:08And he said

00:51:11we can say retarded

00:51:11as much as we want.

00:51:13And she's going to say,

00:51:14why do you think

00:51:15that's okay?

00:51:15And this is what you tell her.

00:51:16This is why it's always been okay.

00:51:17Since I first took it away

00:51:18when I was in grade school,

00:51:19this is what you tell her.

00:51:20If she looks away,

00:51:20you grab some silverware

00:51:21and you put it in your pocket

00:51:22and you look her

00:51:22right back in the face.

00:51:24Not you black people,

00:51:25not you,

00:51:25but any white person.

00:51:26Any white person,

00:51:27you take that silverware

00:51:28and you tell her this.

00:51:29This is why it's okay

00:51:30to say retarded.

00:51:31The only reason

00:51:31it's ever been.

00:51:33They don't mind.

00:51:38They don't mind.

00:51:39We're fighting a fight

00:51:40for people who don't care.

00:51:42You've got to ask them.

00:51:43I've asked.

00:51:44It's been a while,

00:51:45but I have asked.

00:51:46They don't mind.

00:51:48I've talked to black people

00:51:49about the N-word.

00:51:50They do mind.

00:51:54Pretty much 100%

00:51:55of the black people

00:51:56I polled on the subject

00:51:57say, no,

00:51:59not a fan of the word.

00:51:59You can stop asking.

00:52:00I'm not going to switch up on this.

00:52:03But you've got to ask

00:52:04someone with Down syndrome

00:52:04about retarded

00:52:05and they'll tell you.

00:52:06I have asked.

00:52:06It has been a while.

00:52:07It was high school,

00:52:08but I did ask.

00:52:10Still applies.

00:52:12It was over a summer

00:52:14and two years in high school

00:52:15I worked at a special needs camp

00:52:16in Montgomery County.

00:52:18And yeah,

00:52:19all jokes aside,

00:52:20I don't know if you guys

00:52:21ever met anybody

00:52:21with Down syndrome,

00:52:22but they fucking,

00:52:23they're the best.

00:52:24They rule.

00:52:25They're fucking awesome.

00:52:25Yeah, maybe you have.

00:52:28They just, like,

00:52:28fill your life with, like, light.

00:52:29They're just, like, fun.

00:52:30They're always in a good mood.

00:52:32They're, well,

00:52:32actually, that's not true,

00:52:33but, like,

00:52:34yeah, that's not true.

00:52:35When they're in a bad mood,

00:52:37fucking somebody's getting bit.

00:52:41They fight like Bruce Lee.

00:52:43They fucking had

00:52:44any weapon possible.

00:52:46But generally,

00:52:47that was at home.

00:52:48At camp,

00:52:48they were always in a good mood.

00:52:49And I had my crew,

00:52:50my favorites,

00:52:50you know,

00:52:51we'd talk about sports,

00:52:52wrestling only.

00:52:55Yeah,

00:52:55they'd point out chicks

00:52:56they like with big tits.

00:52:57They were great at that, dude.

00:52:58They were great at that.

00:53:00Every time I'd be right,

00:53:01like, Aria,

00:53:01like, not right now,

00:53:02I'm doing paperwork.

00:53:02Like, Aria!

00:53:03I'm like, what?

00:53:04Yep, you were right.

00:53:05You were right to interrupt me.

00:53:05She doesn't have big tits.

00:53:06Congrats.

00:53:07That's a good one.

00:53:08They would have loved you.

00:53:08They would have fucking loved you,

00:53:09lady.

00:53:09They would have fucking loved you.

00:53:14And I had my favorites,

00:53:15and I asked one of them once.

00:53:16I asked David,

00:53:17David,

00:53:17uh,

00:53:17Ginsburg.

00:53:19I think it was his name.

00:53:19I asked him,

00:53:20I was like,

00:53:20David,

00:53:20everybody's talking about this

00:53:21in school,

00:53:22but I haven't heard anybody

00:53:23asking you,

00:53:24how do you feel?

00:53:24How do you feel

00:53:25about the word retarded?

00:53:26And he said,

00:53:27I'm sorry, everybody.

00:53:51I'm really,

00:53:52I'm really sorry.

00:53:55I really,

00:53:56I'm sorry.

00:54:00I'm sorry.

00:54:04I know,

00:54:05I'm sorry.

00:54:05I really,

00:54:06I wish I wasn't like this.

00:54:07I really do.

00:54:10You ever look ahead in your life,

00:54:13like five years in the future,

00:54:15and looking back on the present,

00:54:17like yourself looking back to right now?

00:54:19I'm a Walmart greeter.

00:54:22Someone's like,

00:54:23you used to be a comedian?

00:54:24I'm like,

00:54:24yeah.

00:54:24Like,

00:54:25what happened?

00:54:25I flew too close to the sun.

00:54:32I guess that brings us

00:54:33to stand-up comedy, too.

00:54:34People get,

00:54:35that's a weird thing

00:54:35about focusing on the positives.

00:54:37People say,

00:54:38stand-up is,

00:54:39you can't say anything anymore.

00:54:40You've heard them.

00:54:40Who's been to a comedy show before?

00:54:42Yeah.

00:54:43A lot of you.

00:54:44A lot of you.

00:54:45Nice.

00:54:46Nice.

00:54:47It's more popular than ever,

00:54:48and people are like,

00:54:48all negative about it.

00:54:49Like,

00:54:49you can't say anything anymore.

00:54:50I'm like,

00:54:50not true.

00:54:51It's more popular.

00:54:52But look how big a fucking room

00:54:53I'm playing on a fucking,

00:54:54you know,

00:54:54I've never done this before.

00:54:57It's wild.

00:54:58I shouldn't be able to do this.

00:54:59It's more popular than ever.

00:55:01It's in a great place.

00:55:02But because it's more popular,

00:55:04it gets exposed to people

00:55:05who really shouldn't hear about it.

00:55:07And it's a massive source of negativity

00:55:10to a lot of dorks.

00:55:12Our joy is their hatred.

00:55:14You know?

00:55:15And they get fucking mad.

00:55:16You follow it, right?

00:55:17They get mad at stand-ups.

00:55:19They get mad at jokes.

00:55:20They got mad at Dave Chappelle.

00:55:22Dave Chappelle,

00:55:23one of,

00:55:23if not the greatest stand-up of all time.

00:55:26Yeah.

00:55:29And they got mad at him.

00:55:30And not just for telling the same jokes

00:55:32in three straight specials.

00:55:33No.

00:55:42It had nothing to do with that.

00:55:45It's because he didn't handle every subject

00:55:47with the proper amount of respect.

00:55:49But at this point now,

00:55:50everybody's been to at least one show now.

00:55:52And you know,

00:55:53respect has nothing to do

00:55:54with what we're doing here.

00:55:56It's not a metric in any way.

00:55:58You know,

00:55:58what'd you want Dave Chappelle to do?

00:55:59Come out and be like,

00:56:00hey,

00:56:00you know trans people?

00:56:03They're all right.

00:56:03That's another thing.

00:56:30That trans issue.

00:56:31That's a fucking wild one, huh?

00:56:34Everybody's writing about it

00:56:34and literally 18 people

00:56:36in the whole country

00:56:36actually give a fuck.

00:56:38And the rest of us

00:56:39have to hear about it.

00:56:41Oh,

00:56:41which bathroom will they use?

00:56:43Most of them are oneies anyway.

00:56:46Here's a bigger issue

00:56:47with bathrooms

00:56:47they never write about.

00:56:48People fucking using it

00:56:49and staying in there

00:56:49to use their phone

00:56:50while there's a fucking line!

00:56:54I don't give you

00:56:55any dick or pussy!

00:56:56Go on,

00:56:56get your phone!

00:56:57I'm sorry.

00:57:01I'm getting caught up

00:57:02in the negative now.

00:57:03I gotta fucking switch.

00:57:05I gotta switch.

00:57:07What's the positive?

00:57:08Okay, actually,

00:57:08I got it.

00:57:09Here's the positive.

00:57:09Here's the positive

00:57:10of having to hear

00:57:10about the trans issue

00:57:11for the last fucking

00:57:12seven straight fucking years.

00:57:14Here's the positive.

00:57:15Well,

00:57:16not regular gay people.

00:57:17Have to shut the fuck up.

00:57:20Yeah,

00:57:21you're not special anymore,

00:57:22regular gays.

00:57:22Ha ha,

00:57:24one of us.

00:57:28One of us.

00:57:29Remember when we were little

00:57:29and it meant something

00:57:30to be gay?

00:57:31Not anymore,

00:57:31homos!

00:57:33Back in the line!

00:57:36You're like,

00:57:36oh,

00:57:37you're gay?

00:57:38Wow,

00:57:39that must be so hard

00:57:40for you.

00:57:41In 2024

00:57:42in a major metropolis?

00:57:44Wow.

00:57:46Oh,

00:57:46you came out of the closet

00:57:47in 2019?

00:57:49Wow.

00:57:50No,

00:57:50I've also suffered.

00:57:51I'm a survivor

00:57:51of LASIK eye surgery,

00:57:53so I get it.

00:57:55Eat dicks.

00:57:56Shut up.

00:58:00They asked me

00:58:01about that trans stuff

00:58:02in an interview once.

00:58:03I do interviews.

00:58:05I'm a public figure.

00:58:09And they asked me about,

00:58:10have you guys ever heard

00:58:11of the trans swimmer?

00:58:13Damn.

00:58:14I had not heard

00:58:15of the whole thing.

00:58:16She was like,

00:58:16how do you feel

00:58:17about the trans swimmer?

00:58:18And I was like,

00:58:18I thought it was

00:58:19a Russian weapon.

00:58:21I was like,

00:58:23well,

00:58:23I've been rooting for Ukraine,

00:58:24but I guess they're fucked now.

00:58:27She was like,

00:58:28I don't think you know

00:58:28what it is.

00:58:29I was just trying

00:58:29to mansplain it.

00:58:30I'm like,

00:58:30I think I know

00:58:30what the trans swimmer is

00:58:31when I'm looking.

00:58:32Okay,

00:58:33that was pretty far off.

00:58:35If you don't know,

00:58:36it's not a Russian weapon

00:58:37at all.

00:58:38It's a trans woman

00:58:39who's a swimmer.

00:58:40Yeah,

00:58:42the story is,

00:58:43there's a trans woman.

00:58:44She's at a university

00:58:46somewhere in America.

00:58:47She's not here,

00:58:47I don't think.

00:58:48And she was swimming

00:58:49on the swim team.

00:58:50And that's the story.

00:58:53Yeah.

00:58:53She was doing well.

00:58:54That part's,

00:58:55I don't think that part

00:58:55is the story.

00:58:57I don't think anybody

00:58:57was like,

00:58:58what?

00:58:58She's crushing it?

00:59:00She's doing quite well.

00:59:02And I guess people

00:59:03are pretty upset about it.

00:59:04And this interviewer

00:59:04asked me,

00:59:05what a fucking trap question

00:59:07to ask a comedian.

00:59:07I'm not trans,

00:59:10I don't swim,

00:59:10I'm not in college.

00:59:12Ask me about

00:59:13something comedy related.

00:59:14Ask me what fucking

00:59:14Joe Rogan's nuts

00:59:15smell like.

00:59:19Solid gold.

00:59:22He asked me about

00:59:22that trans,

00:59:23and I saw a trap

00:59:24when I saw it,

00:59:25when I recognized it.

00:59:26And I was like,

00:59:26well, I feel the same

00:59:26way everybody feels.

00:59:27And she goes,

00:59:28no, people are,

00:59:29people are pretty split

00:59:30on this.

00:59:31And I go,

00:59:31I disagree.

00:59:35She's like,

00:59:35how can you disagree

00:59:36with that part?

00:59:37I'm like,

00:59:37because I've been

00:59:37in this country

00:59:37a long time.

00:59:39And I'm just

00:59:39telling you for a fact,

00:59:40nobody cares

00:59:41about women's

00:59:42college swimming.

00:59:48This is a fake story

00:59:49with fake anger

00:59:50for being on the news

00:59:50too much.

00:59:52Swimming?

00:59:52Do you know how many

00:59:53steps removed I am

00:59:53from caring about

00:59:54female amateur aquatics?

00:59:57Bro, I don't follow

00:59:58soccer,

00:59:59the number one sport

01:00:00in the world.

01:00:01Swimming?

01:00:02Shut the fuck up.

01:00:04People are like,

01:00:04but she's cheating.

01:00:05Oh, well,

01:00:06you should see me

01:00:06do my taxes then.

01:00:07You're going to be

01:00:10very perturbed.

01:00:14And people who care

01:00:15ask them,

01:00:16they're like,

01:00:16but she's,

01:00:16she's breaking records.

01:00:18That's what they all say.

01:00:18Tell them this.

01:00:19Next time anybody

01:00:20tells you that,

01:00:20say this.

01:00:20They're breaking records.

01:00:21They're like,

01:00:21okay, tell me then.

01:00:23What was the old record?

01:00:26What was the old record

01:00:27you hold so dear

01:00:28in the women's

01:00:29200-meter

01:00:29dumbfuck stroke?

01:00:30It's not a real sport,

01:00:34everybody.

01:00:35I watch ESPN

01:00:36all day and all night.

01:00:37They've never

01:00:38showed college swimming,

01:00:39boys or girls.

01:00:41They show,

01:00:41they have cornhole

01:00:42championships on ESPN.

01:00:44That's more of a sport

01:00:45than fucking amateur

01:00:46swimming.

01:00:48Darts, bowling,

01:00:49the spelling videos

01:00:50on ESPN.

01:00:50A sport made entirely

01:00:53of Indian 12-year-olds.

01:00:57And honestly,

01:00:58maybe some of you

01:00:58in here have been

01:00:59upset about it.

01:01:00You know,

01:01:01look inwards.

01:01:02If that made you mad,

01:01:04look inwards and go,

01:01:05I should probably

01:01:05be hiking more often.

01:01:08Fucking close the laptop

01:01:09and get outside.

01:01:10I'm not saying

01:01:11it doesn't matter to anybody,

01:01:12but if it matters to you,

01:01:13you should be embarrassed

01:01:14of yourself.

01:01:16Swimming.

01:01:16It's not even a fucking

01:01:17real sport, you guys.

01:01:19Here's the whole sport

01:01:20of swimming,

01:01:20in case you didn't know,

01:01:21which you don't

01:01:22because none of you

01:01:22have ever watched it.

01:01:24Here's the whole sport

01:01:24of swimming.

01:01:25Can you swim fast?

01:01:26Yeah, I can swim

01:01:27really fast.

01:01:28Like, great.

01:01:29Can you do that

01:01:29not the best way?

01:01:37What do you mean?

01:01:38I was just gonna

01:01:38like swim like that.

01:01:39Like, no,

01:01:39that's the best way.

01:01:42Like, you don't want me

01:01:42to swim fast?

01:01:43No, swim as fast as you can,

01:01:44but done.

01:01:45Do it done.

01:01:48As fast as you can,

01:01:49but like you're drowning

01:01:49the whole time.

01:01:50And you're mad

01:02:00this one chick

01:02:00is dominating

01:02:01these dickless bitches?

01:02:04Who fucking cares,

01:02:05everybody?

01:02:07It's crazy

01:02:08for the news

01:02:09to ask me that.

01:02:10That's fucking nuts.

01:02:11Guys,

01:02:12when I have,

01:02:12sometimes I go out

01:02:13for spicy food,

01:02:14and after I do,

01:02:15when I take a dump

01:02:16the next day,

01:02:16I'll bleed.

01:02:17I'll bleed while I dump.

01:02:18Yeah.

01:02:20Sometimes just a few drops,

01:02:21you know?

01:02:21And then sometimes

01:02:22it's a lot,

01:02:22and I just keep wiping,

01:02:23and it keeps coming

01:02:24and coming.

01:02:25Sometimes it's over,

01:02:26but something keeps coming

01:02:26and coming and coming,

01:02:27and it won't stop.

01:02:28And it just won't stop.

01:02:30And so I have to get

01:02:31on with my day.

01:02:32So I have to take

01:02:32a wad of toilet paper,

01:02:33and I bunch it up,

01:02:34and I shove it up there

01:02:35like a cork.

01:02:36I cork up my asshole

01:02:37so it soaks it up in there,

01:02:39and then eventually stops it.

01:02:41My friends call it a man-pon.

01:02:44And we shove it up there,

01:02:45and then I'll walk around

01:02:46with it until the bleeding stops.

01:02:48Yeah,

01:02:48otherwise it'll bleed

01:02:49into my underwear

01:02:50and through my underwear

01:02:51and through my pants,

01:02:51which happened once

01:02:52at jury duty.

01:02:53It was very embarrassing,

01:02:54having a bloody fucking asshole

01:02:56in fucking jury duty.

01:02:58So I have this man-pon,

01:02:59and I'll just walk around.

01:03:00I don't know when

01:03:00it stops bleeding,

01:03:01and eventually,

01:03:02sometimes it gets dislodged

01:03:03on its own

01:03:03through my movements

01:03:04of the day.

01:03:04It gets dislodged,

01:03:05and it'll work its way

01:03:06down my jeans

01:03:07and come out.

01:03:08I've had it lying

01:03:09around my apartment before.

01:03:12And I've had people see it,

01:03:13and they go,

01:03:13is that a fucking wadded up

01:03:14piece of bloody toilet paper

01:03:15on your floor?

01:03:17And I go,

01:03:17yeah, it is.

01:03:18It's very embarrassing.

01:03:21And journalists ask my opinion

01:03:23on world events.

01:03:27Stop reading the news.

01:03:34Here's the deal

01:03:35with the trans swimmer, guys.

01:03:36Sports evolve.

01:03:37I don't know what to tell you.

01:03:38It's stupid,

01:03:39but, like, it's not comfortable,

01:03:40but it happens.

01:03:41Everyone's mad.

01:03:42They're like,

01:03:42but they were in last place

01:03:43last year,

01:03:43and then they got a trans,

01:03:44and now they're in first place?

01:03:46Oh, I wonder what they did.

01:03:49Get a trans!

01:03:52That's not the only one.

01:03:55I live in New York.

01:03:56There's a lot of them.

01:03:57Find one.

01:04:00Go to one of the trans academies,

01:04:01or whatever.

01:04:02I don't know.

01:04:02Whatever.

01:04:02I don't know where they come from.

01:04:04Wherever they are.

01:04:05But, like,

01:04:06find where they are,

01:04:07start shoving them into a lake

01:04:08until one of them floats,

01:04:09and then give her

01:04:09a fucking scholarship.

01:04:14Maybe I don't understand

01:04:15the whole issue.

01:04:19Guys,

01:04:19he's focused on positives,

01:04:20I've been telling you.

01:04:21Like, I've been,

01:04:22there have been joke ones, right?

01:04:23But I legitimately do it

01:04:24all the time.

01:04:24You can train yourself to do it.

01:04:26Somebody comes in,

01:04:26and he's like,

01:04:27this guy sucks.

01:04:27I'm like,

01:04:27but look at his pants,

01:04:28cool pants.

01:04:29You just shift the subject away.

01:04:31They talk about politics,

01:04:32just be like,

01:04:32I don't know,

01:04:32find something,

01:04:33or anything, you know?

01:04:35You can be one of two people

01:04:35on a date.

01:04:36You can be like,

01:04:36they sat me too close

01:04:37to the bathroom.

01:04:38Or you can be like,

01:04:39ooh, they have real cheese nachos.

01:04:41You know?

01:04:42Which one do you want to be

01:04:43in that situation?

01:04:44You can do it for real.

01:04:45Politics is a good example.

01:04:47I know people,

01:04:48I have a relative

01:04:48that fucking hates Donald Trump.

01:04:51Like, she hates him so much

01:04:52she loves him.

01:04:54You know, people are like,

01:04:55he's the first person

01:04:56she thinks about in the morning.

01:04:59She wakes up like,

01:04:59what did he say today?

01:05:00She fucking gets on there.

01:05:02And people are like,

01:05:03you know,

01:05:04if I say there's a positive

01:05:04in everything,

01:05:05she's like,

01:05:05there's no positive

01:05:06about Donald Trump.

01:05:06Like, well,

01:05:07let's say you hate Donald Trump.

01:05:08What could possibly

01:05:08be the positive there?

01:05:09Well, legitimately,

01:05:10he brought women together

01:05:11in a way I've never seen

01:05:13before in my lifetime.

01:05:14Before Donald Trump,

01:05:16women were the backstabbiest

01:05:18cunts in the world

01:05:18to each other.

01:05:20And now they're like,

01:05:21you go, girl.

01:05:21Like, no, you go, girl.

01:05:23And they all went

01:05:23to Taylor Swift.

01:05:27I guess that'll bring us

01:05:28to the last,

01:05:29the final test

01:05:30of focusing on positive for me.

01:05:32It was my grandfather.

01:05:33My grandfather, Ira,

01:05:34he's a Holocaust survivor.

01:05:37Yeah.

01:05:37He was in the Bergen-Belsen

01:05:39concentration camp.

01:05:41They got liberated

01:05:41by the Russian army.

01:05:42Russians were good guys

01:05:43for, like, eight minutes.

01:05:48And, uh,

01:05:49he's gonna be 103 next year.

01:05:52Yeah.

01:05:56And, uh,

01:05:57my thought was,

01:05:57like, a concentration camp,

01:05:58that's one of the most horrific,

01:06:00like, experiences in life.

01:06:01And I was like,

01:06:02if I could find a positive in that,

01:06:03I could for sure

01:06:04find a positive in anything.

01:06:06So I wanted to know,

01:06:06I didn't know how to say it,

01:06:07but I wanted to know if, like,

01:06:09if, like, there were any, like,

01:06:11you know, like,

01:06:11good days

01:06:12in the,

01:06:13in the Bergen-Belsen,

01:06:14uh,

01:06:14concentration camp.

01:06:16All right, all right,

01:06:16all right, all right.

01:06:18Yeah, all right.

01:06:19No, all right,

01:06:20shut up, shut up.

01:06:22Because, fuck, whatever.

01:06:23Because my thought process was,

01:06:24they're not all equal days.

01:06:27There had to be better

01:06:28and worse days.

01:06:29You know?

01:06:30Like, if one day was, like,

01:06:3059 and raining,

01:06:32and the next day

01:06:32it was, like, 71 and sunny.

01:06:37I know they're all

01:06:38concentration camp days,

01:06:39but one day is a better day

01:06:40than the other day.

01:06:43Guys, I don't know.

01:06:45You ask.

01:06:46That's how you find out

01:06:47about life.

01:06:48So they had to be

01:06:49a better and worse day.

01:06:49Whatever!

01:06:50So, anyway,

01:06:51so I asked them.

01:06:52I was like,

01:06:53Zadie,

01:06:53that's how you say

01:06:53grandfather in, uh,

01:06:54Yiddish.

01:06:55And I was like,

01:06:55Zadie,

01:06:57I don't know how to say it,

01:06:57so I just said it.

01:06:58I was like,

01:06:58Zadie,

01:06:58were there any good days

01:07:02in the Bergen-Belsen

01:07:03concentration camp?

01:07:06And he goes,

01:07:08what the fuck

01:07:10is wrong with you?

01:07:18I mean,

01:07:18you were already

01:07:19a disappointment,

01:07:20but now,

01:07:20you know what?

01:07:22Did you just ask me

01:07:23if the Holocaust

01:07:23was a good time?

01:07:27Oh, my shit.

01:07:28Sorry.

01:07:28All right.

01:07:28I don't know.

01:07:29Sorry.

01:07:30I'm doing this thing

01:07:31where I work on positivity.

01:07:32No, I'm sorry.

01:07:33My bad.

01:07:33All right, all right.

01:07:34No, 59 and raining,

01:07:3571 and sunny.

01:07:38All right.

01:07:39And he goes,

01:07:40oh, okay.

01:07:40I see what you're doing.

01:07:42I get it.

01:07:42Well,

01:07:44he goes,

01:07:44all right,

01:07:44maybe at the very end

01:07:45there was one good day.

01:07:47And I go,

01:07:47oh, well, yeah,

01:07:48when you got liberated.

01:07:50And he goes,

01:07:51oh,

01:07:51okay,

01:07:53no,

01:07:53two good days there.

01:07:55I was like,

01:07:55oh,

01:07:56what was the other good day?

01:07:57And he goes,

01:07:57all right,

01:07:57well,

01:07:58we had this guy

01:07:59in there with us

01:07:59named Feidelberg.

01:08:03Yoni Feidelberg.

01:08:04And I was like,

01:08:05who was he?

01:08:06He goes,

01:08:06he sucked.

01:08:19And I was like,

01:08:20Zadie,

01:08:20even for me,

01:08:21this is wild

01:08:21what you just said.

01:08:22And he goes,

01:08:24Ari,

01:08:24he didn't deserve to be in there.

01:08:25None of us deserve to be in there.

01:08:26Doesn't mean he didn't suck.

01:08:28I was like,

01:08:29what?

01:08:30And he broke it down for me.

01:08:31He was like,

01:08:31Ari,

01:08:31in every social circle,

01:08:33there's jocks

01:08:33and there's nerds.

01:08:35Grade school,

01:08:35high school,

01:08:36college,

01:08:36and work life.

01:08:37There's always popular kids

01:08:38and unpopular kids.

01:08:39And the Bergen-Belsen

01:08:40concentration camp

01:08:41was no different.

01:08:41We had very charismatic

01:08:44people in there.

01:08:45We had scholars.

01:08:46We had professors.

01:08:46We had very funny people,

01:08:47intelligent people.

01:08:48And then we had

01:08:49Yoni Feidelberg.

01:08:51He sucked.

01:08:53And I was like,

01:08:53what sucked about him?

01:08:54He goes,

01:08:54he was annoying.

01:08:55He was a close talker.

01:08:56I remember that.

01:08:58Nobody likes that.

01:08:59That's not new.

01:09:00He was always right here

01:09:01talking.

01:09:01You know those people.

01:09:02He'd take a step back

01:09:03and he'd slowly come forward.

01:09:06And he had this horrible breath.

01:09:07I remember that.

01:09:08He had this horrible,

01:09:08but this anorexic breath.

01:09:11He goes,

01:09:16we all had it,

01:09:17but we knew enough

01:09:18to take a step back.

01:09:20Not Feidelberg.

01:09:21He's always blowing

01:09:21lactic acid right in your mouth.

01:09:24He had worse stories.

01:09:25He's always trying

01:09:25to one-up people's stories,

01:09:26but he had worse stories.

01:09:27He's a one-underer.

01:09:28Worst kind of one-upper.

01:09:30I remember this one guy

01:09:31from Poland.

01:09:32He was talking about

01:09:32before the Holocaust.

01:09:33He goes,

01:09:33he won the lottery.

01:09:34He goes,

01:09:34wow.

01:09:35He won 10,000 rubles

01:09:36on the lottery.

01:09:37That's so cool.

01:09:38And then Feidelberg was like,

01:09:39I found a dollar once.

01:09:40And we're like,

01:09:41shut up, Feidelberg.

01:09:44No, I'm even talking

01:09:45to you,

01:09:45you're shit breath.

01:09:50He just sucked.

01:09:51He made the Holocaust worse.

01:09:59I was like,

01:10:00Zadie,

01:10:00what was the good day?

01:10:01He goes,

01:10:02sorry, sorry.

01:10:03I haven't thought

01:10:03about that guy

01:10:03in so long.

01:10:05He goes,

01:10:05all right,

01:10:06so one day

01:10:06I was out doing my chores

01:10:07and Nazis would give me

01:10:08these work to do,

01:10:09these tasks to do.

01:10:10I think that day

01:10:11I was out digging

01:10:12a mass grave.

01:10:16Look it up.

01:10:18And he goes,

01:10:20I got back to the barracks

01:10:21and everybody was smiling.

01:10:22Everybody was in a good mood.

01:10:22And I was like,

01:10:22what's going on?

01:10:23Because we had rumors

01:10:24that the Russian army

01:10:25was advancing.

01:10:26The Nazis were worried

01:10:26about it.

01:10:27They'd whisper about it.

01:10:28We'd hear them.

01:10:29And I was like,

01:10:29is that what's happening?

01:10:30The Russians coming?

01:10:30Are we getting out of here?

01:10:32And they were like,

01:10:32no, we're not.

01:10:34No, we're never

01:10:35going to get out of here.

01:10:36I was like,

01:10:37what's going on then?

01:10:38He goes,

01:10:38there's one older Jew.

01:10:39He was all broken down

01:10:41and like feeble

01:10:41and he slowly stood up

01:10:43off his bunk

01:10:43and he goes,

01:10:44today,

01:10:45while you were gone,

01:10:48they gassed up

01:10:49Feidelberg.

01:10:52And we all

01:10:53just started jumping

01:10:55and dancing

01:10:56and singing

01:10:57Hava

01:10:58Hava

01:11:00Hava

01:11:00Oh,

01:11:02it was something

01:11:02the Nazis were like,

01:11:03you keep it down in there.

01:11:04But we couldn't,

01:11:04we couldn't be silenced.

01:11:06We were free men

01:11:07that day.

01:11:10People were high-fiving.

01:11:11Some people were

01:11:11too weak to high-five.

01:11:12We'd lift their arm

01:11:13for them.

01:11:15We'd give them

01:11:16one last fucking

01:11:16celebration.

01:11:21All right,

01:11:21well,

01:11:22that is a,

01:11:25that is a room divider.

01:11:30Yeah,

01:11:31not everybody,

01:11:32not everybody's

01:11:33on board with that.

01:11:35Some of you liked it,

01:11:36some probably

01:11:36for the wrong reasons.

01:11:40Still,

01:11:41others of you

01:11:41were pretty much hated.

01:11:42I can see your

01:11:43aggressive frowns

01:11:44coming at me.

01:11:45And just so you know,

01:11:46here's my advice,

01:11:47if you hated that joke

01:11:48or any other one,

01:11:50I would say,

01:11:50focus on the jokes

01:11:51you did like.

01:11:53You know,

01:11:54focus on the positives.

01:11:56Don't leave here going,

01:11:57how was your

01:11:57fear?

01:11:58She'll go,

01:11:58well,

01:11:58that one joke

01:11:58I hated.

01:11:59Don't leave with that.

01:12:01You know,

01:12:01don't be like,

01:12:01LeBron didn't win

01:12:02a lot of years.

01:12:03Don't be that guy.

01:12:08And also,

01:12:09this is my final thing

01:12:10I'll say,

01:12:10if you really hated

01:12:11that joke,

01:12:11just so you know,

01:12:12it's not me

01:12:12you're mad at.

01:12:13It's my

01:12:14Holocaust survivor

01:12:15grandfather

01:12:16that you hate.

01:12:18Washington,

01:12:19D.C.,

01:12:19you guys have been

01:12:20absolutely great.

01:12:22Thank you very much,

01:12:23everybody.

01:12:24We're holding it

01:12:26together.

01:12:28This is a real joy

01:12:29for you,

01:12:29everybody.

01:12:30Thank you very much.

01:12:32You guys talk and roll.

01:12:33It was great to do

01:12:34this back at home.

01:12:50I saw you giving

01:12:52signals from the

01:12:53plate.

01:12:54Movement of your fingers

01:12:55made me tinkle,

01:12:56made me shake.

01:12:58Sunday shining through

01:12:59your eyes.

01:13:02Carved my little

01:13:03heartbeat,

01:13:04dream of your thoughts.

01:13:05I think I knew

01:13:06you were my dream.

01:13:09I think I knew

01:13:10you were my dream.

01:13:14Patrick.

01:13:15Patrick.

01:13:16Patrick.

01:13:17Patrick.

01:13:18Patrick.

01:13:19Patrick.

01:13:20Patrick.

01:13:21Patrick.

01:13:22Patrick.

01:13:23Patrick.

01:13:24Patrick.

01:13:25Patrick.

01:13:26Patrick.

01:13:27Patrick.

01:13:28Patrick.

01:13:29Patrick.

01:13:30Patrick.

01:13:31Patrick.

01:13:32Patrick.

01:13:33Patrick.

01:13:34Patrick.

01:13:35Patrick.

01:13:36Patrick.

01:13:37Patrick.

01:13:38Patrick.

01:13:39Patrick.

01:13:40Patrick.

01:13:41Patrick.

01:13:42Patrick.

01:13:43Patrick.

01:13:44Patrick.

01:13:45Patrick.

01:13:46Patrick.

01:13:47Patrick.

01:13:48When darkness creeps into my brain

01:14:15And I want everyone to die

01:14:18I grab your jersey and I squeeze it tight

01:14:25And drink of it

01:14:27I love the bitter stink of it

01:14:32And slowly I begin to rise

01:14:37Watch me flashing through the sky

01:14:42Oh, catch me, catch me as I fly

01:14:47Good will I ever catch your eye

01:14:52But as I want you on the field

01:15:02Everybody knows I just want to take you, make you

01:15:06I just want to rip you off when I want you on the field

01:15:10Everybody knows I just want to take you, make you watch your eye

01:15:15So when I want you on the field

01:15:18Everybody knows I just want to take you, make you watch your eye

01:15:23So when I want you all the things

01:15:26Everybody knows that you won't take away

01:15:29But you won't be

01:15:31So when I want you all the things

01:15:34Everybody knows that you won't take away

01:15:37But you won't be down

01:15:53You won't be down

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