Frasier Season 3 Episode 2 Shrink Rap
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00:00You try and try, but at some point you finally have to admit, as much as you care about each other, your relationship isn't working and hasn't been for some time.
00:15But you two wouldn't be sitting here with me if you didn't want to save this relationship. Isn't that true?
00:23Well, I'm willing to try. I can't speak for...
00:27You don't have to speak for me, Niles. I'm perfectly capable of speaking for myself.
00:36Yes, I know. Caruso wasn't so in love with the sound of his own voice.
00:41What does that mean?
00:43Well, you tell me, Enrico. What do you think it means?
00:46Yes, I can't tell you what it means.
00:47I'm so...
00:48Are we agreed that we want to do something?
00:57To fix this problem.
01:02Well, it's fixable, I suppose.
01:04Oh, sorry, I don't.
01:04Why?
01:05Why doesn't one of you tell me how this started?
01:09Well, it began with me.
01:12It was last week. I was at work doing my radio show.
01:16It was on the air with a troubled young woman.
01:20She had just started telling me about a recurring dream she'd had since childhood.
01:27Okay, I'm in my bedroom. I've just gotten out of the bathtub to get dressed.
01:32When I open the closet, all my clothes are gone.
01:36Suddenly, I hear the sound of footsteps on the dry leaves outside.
01:42I turn, and there's a little girl with her nose pressed up against the window.
01:47Fascinating.
01:48But her breath is fogging up the glass so that I can't make out her face.
01:52Only, I'm sure she's come to tell me something important.
01:57So, a girl on the other side of the glass with an urgent message.
02:09But for some reason, you're unable or unwilling to receive it.
02:13I'm sorry, Dr. Crane. I hate to interrupt, but you're all out of time for today.
02:17Oh, dear.
02:18Listen, Jill, I'm terribly sorry, but listen, I'd like to continue talking with you when we're off the air, so please don't hang up.
02:27Meantime, listeners, I've enjoyed our time today.
02:30Tune in again tomorrow, when we'll be talking with...
02:33Blah, blah, Fraser Crane Show. Happy health. Goodbye.
02:42Yo, Jill, you a football fan?
02:45Not really.
02:46Then beat it.
02:48All right. Let's talk women's golf.
02:54Sometimes I hate this job.
02:56Not only do I have to put up with that annoying little sweat sock.
03:01But when a caller comes in and has a truly fascinating problem, I'm barely able to scratch the surface.
03:05It makes me want to run screaming back to private practice.
03:08I can imagine how frustrated you must be.
03:11This show's got to be constraining for a man of your staggering intellect.
03:15Hold it. Stop. Wait a minute.
03:17You expect us to believe that Roz actually used a phrase like staggering intellect?
03:22It was something like that.
03:27So she might have said your boundless brilliance, say, or the Olympian reaches of your wisdom.
03:33Oh, Niles, do shut up.
03:35Oh, you shut up.
03:36No.
03:37I think you should shut up.
03:39I think someone.
03:40Shut up.
03:49It's not.
03:51It's not.
03:51It's exactly what was said.
03:54No. What is important is that, as usual, he assumes it all revolves around him.
04:01When the truth is, it started several days before that with me.
04:05I'd been having some trouble with a psychiatrist in the office next door.
04:09His unconventional therapy had started to intrude upon my sessions.
04:14Mrs. Kelly, the key here is that you trust me.
04:18As long as you're in this office, you have no reason to feel anything but safe.
04:24You must think of this as your refuge, your sanctuary.
04:42Now, I'm not saying that being the sole survivor of a plane crash wasn't a traumatizing experience.
04:48But I can get you to a point where the memories no longer haunt you.
04:56His primal scream madness was ruining my practice.
05:07I had to do something.
05:09The opportunity presented itself that Friday.
05:12I'd come to Fraser's for dinner.
05:14I remembered Daphne, my father's health care worker, was telling the most delightful story.
05:20Oh, I know what you're going through dealing with a noisy neighbor.
05:23Have I ever mentioned that couple that lived next door to me in London?
05:28A married couple who made the most ungodly racket in bed.
05:33The walls must have been like tissue paper because I'd hear the whole performance every night.
05:39Finally, I decided the only way to get them to stop was to let them hear what I'd been hearing.
05:44So one night, I moved near the wall and I started...
05:50Oh, yes.
05:55Oh, don't stop.
05:59Oh, that's the spot.
06:01Oh, do it again.
06:04Oh, you are the beast master.
06:06Oh, for house sake, just take me, you devil's phone sex monkey.
06:11Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
06:16Problem solved.
06:21I'm sorry, Daphne, I drifted.
06:23Would you tell that story again?
06:28Hold it, stop.
06:30I was in a full world that Daphne merely told us that story.
06:32She did not act it out.
06:35Didn't she?
06:36No.
06:37Just tell the story.
06:39Fine.
06:39It was a few hours later, we were having espresso.
06:45And perhaps to counteract the stimulant effect, Frasier was telling us about his day.
06:50You know, I can't stop thinking about my last caller today.
06:54Fascinating young woman and a recurring dream.
06:59You know who's a hell of a dreamer?
07:01Eddie.
07:02There's one night I wake up, he's lying on my forehead, dead asleep, the big clump of my hair in his mouth, growling.
07:15Bet you'd love to analyze that little brain of his.
07:17Yes, that would be the jewel in the crown of my career.
07:29Still, thinking about this woman has started me longing for private practice.
07:34I guess I just missed the chance to dig deep with my patients.
07:39Have you considered seeing patients on the side?
07:42Oh, yes, of course.
07:43I've got a list of people that have expressed interest.
07:46Frasier, I have a proposition.
07:50I mentioned that doctor in the office next door.
07:52Well, his lease is up.
07:56If you were interested in his office, as his landlord, I could tell him and his screaming meanies to hit the road.
08:07You.
08:08And I.
08:11Working side by side.
08:13I don't mind telling you the prospect.
08:23Sounds quite exciting.
08:25We could consult on each other's patients.
08:28We could give seminars together.
08:30Even therapy groups.
08:31Oh, my God.
08:32Crane and crane.
08:33I can see our logo already.
08:34A giant crane hovering above a human head.
08:38Oh, no.
08:43Dad, why are you laughing?
08:44Why is Dad laughing?
08:46You, too.
08:47You'll never learn.
08:48Oh.
08:48Oh, you think this is a bad idea?
08:51The restaurant you bought together.
08:53That was a bad idea.
08:56The book you tried to write together.
08:58That was a bad idea.
09:00This.
09:05No, that restaurant was still the sweetest.
09:07Two little misadventures and you do must have failed you.
09:14Oh, baloney.
09:15You've been like this since you were kids.
09:17You two can't work together.
09:19Maybe Dad's right.
09:21We're not ready for this.
09:22It could lead to conflict and tension.
09:24Hold it!
09:26I'll tell the truth.
09:28Oh, all right.
09:29Stop raining on our parade, Dad.
09:33To crane and crane.
09:34Well, our first day together began innocently enough.
09:45Good morning, Dr. Crane.
09:48And to you, Dr. Crane.
09:52Oh, Niles, why should you be so formal there's nobody around?
10:00It's a high five, Niles.
10:02Oh, oh, oh, sorry.
10:04Oh, right.
10:07Coffee?
10:08Oh, yes, please.
10:12Oh, Niles, I can't tell you how much I've missed that.
10:17The smell of the office place.
10:21Freshly oiled leather couches.
10:23The pungent coffee.
10:26The aroma of an exotic luncheon special wafting up from the cafeteria below.
10:31Oh, actually, that's the lab next door.
10:33They lost power last night, and some of their tissue samples turned.
10:42By the way, I've put together some recent articles you may want to peruse just to get up to speed.
10:50Up to speed?
10:52Well, it has been a while since you practiced, and we could all use a little brushing up.
11:00Well, that's very considerate of you.
11:04Just put my homework assignment in my box there, as you wish.
11:08All right.
11:28Where should we put this, then?
11:30Well, the only place it should go, actually, is right here by the couch, I think.
11:34Uh, no, no, Daphne, here, uh, on the desk, we'll pick up the earth tones in the carpet.
11:39You know, there isn't this dead space here by the coffee station.
11:42Oh.
11:43Underneath the heating vent?
11:44Why not just give it a blindfold and a cigarette?
11:49It is your office.
11:50I mean, put it where you live.
11:50Oh, no, no, it is your plan.
11:52And it's my bleeding back, so I'm putting it right here.
11:55Honestly, I don't know how you put up with him.
12:02Liar!
12:03Liar!
12:04Daphne never said that.
12:06Well, she said it with body language.
12:09I happen to be fluent in that language, and she said nothing of the kind.
12:14Will someone tell me what's so important about this plant?
12:18You'll know soon enough.
12:19I'm telling the rest of the story.
12:21I'm putting it right here.
12:23Oh.
12:25You know, the best thing about getting old, your hair may turn gray, your joints may stiffen,
12:33you may even have to walk with a cane.
12:36But people still ask you to help them move.
12:45Forgive me for overburdening you, Dad.
12:48Could you just put those in my office, please?
12:50Oh, look at your two names together on the door.
13:00Dr. Crane, is your brother's name smaller than yours?
13:05Yes, that's the only way it would fit.
13:07I assume you wouldn't mind.
13:09After all, we're concerned here with healing people, aren't we?
13:12Of course, Niles.
13:17If I were interested in self-promotion, I...
13:20I guess I'd be content with my radio show.
13:25Heard every day by over half a million listeners.
13:30The Pacific Northwest and parts of Canada.
13:34What are you doing?
13:39I'm moving the Chevalera.
13:40I liked it where it was.
13:42Yes, but it didn't like it there.
13:43It wants light.
13:45You can send me a plant.
13:46I'll go fetch the foul carbonator.
13:49I have had this plant for two years.
13:52It's never been in direct sunlight.
13:53Well, obviously, look at it.
13:54The leaves are puckering.
13:56They are not...
13:57They're wilted a little from the ride over in the trunk of the car.
13:59Oh, nonsense.
14:01Mafia snitches emerge from car trunks looking more robust.
14:05This plant is going right over.
14:07So it begins.
14:13Of course, the incident with the plant was only the beginning.
14:16That was followed by a run-in at the receptionist's desk,
14:19a row at the coffee machine,
14:21and a concerto when Frasier lost the men's room key.
14:24That was an accident.
14:26Yes, it very nearly was.
14:29I am so tired of your exaggeration.
14:33You always make things 50,000 times worse than they are.
14:39But I'm going to tell the story from now on.
14:43The point is,
14:44my nurse were, well, pretty much shot
14:47by the time we conducted our first therapy group together.
14:51First off,
14:52I have a colleague to introduce.
14:55He's not only an esteemed psychiatrist,
14:57he happens to be my brother,
14:59Dr. Frasier Crane.
15:01Afternoon, everyone.
15:03Wow!
15:04Here's Dr. Crane from the radio!
15:08Guilty as charged.
15:09Ah.
15:10Yes, but we all have to remind Dr. Crane
15:12that this is real psychiatry now,
15:14not the radio.
15:15No hanging up on the hard ones here.
15:17But rest assured,
15:25I am trying to deal with a full range of issues.
15:28Everything from envy to jealousy.
15:34But, uh,
15:35I'll just be observing today.
15:38I don't know you well enough
15:39to render any opinions yet,
15:40so just pretend I'm not here.
15:43And good luck with that.
15:44Mrs. Kalish,
15:51perhaps you could bring us up to date
15:53on how you're dealing with your divorce.
15:55This is week two, isn't it?
15:57Yes.
15:59Well,
16:00I actually had my first date last night.
16:06Oh, that's wonderful.
16:08Hmm.
16:09Did you say something?
16:15I don't think so.
16:17It sounded like,
16:18hmm,
16:19like you
16:20disapproved.
16:24Well, since you asked.
16:25I think in divorce,
16:29we have, uh,
16:31painful feelings,
16:33which are nevertheless healthy feelings.
16:35If we start to date too quickly,
16:38I want to be sure
16:38that that's not a panacea for the pain.
16:41Ooh.
16:42Yes, you will find my brother
16:44is quite deft
16:44with those peppy little bromides.
16:46Panacea for the pain.
16:48You can almost hear the phrase.
16:50We'll be right back
16:50after these words from Pringles.
16:52Yes.
16:52Yes.
16:52Yes.
16:52Yes.
16:52Yes.
16:52Yes.
16:53Yes.
16:53Yes.
16:53Yes.
16:54Yes.
16:54Yes.
16:56You don't want to wait too long
16:57before you date, though, either.
17:00I waited five years.
17:02By then, I was so desperate,
17:03I stayed with the first woman
17:05who came along.
17:06She ended up being the same
17:08controlling ice princess
17:09as my first wife.
17:11Hmm.
17:13Well, Mr. Conk,
17:14no, hold on, Dr. Ben.
17:15It sounded like your brother
17:16said something again.
17:21Well, since you've asked.
17:23It occurred to me that by
17:27waiting for five years
17:29and becoming, as you said,
17:31desperate,
17:34that perhaps you were really
17:35giving yourself license
17:36to pursue a woman
17:38who reminded you
17:39of your first wife.
17:41You had to repeat the pattern.
17:43Then you're saying
17:44it wasn't an accident?
17:46We have an expression
17:47in psychiatry.
17:48There are no accidents.
17:50And now let's check in
17:51with news and traffic.
17:58Dr. Crane,
17:59are you denying
18:00that most accidents
18:01happen for a reason?
18:02No, Dr. Crane.
18:04I believe they do.
18:06I'm reminded of a recent accident
18:07involving a four-inch
18:09wooden block
18:09attached to a men's room key
18:11which walked off
18:12in somebody's pocket.
18:16Obviously an act of hostility,
18:18wouldn't you say?
18:19Certainly it will deserve
18:21by considering
18:21what an insufferable prig
18:24someone has been today.
18:27You dare call me a prig
18:29after I rescued you
18:30from that sideshow
18:31you call a radio program?
18:33One more crack
18:34about my show
18:35and I'll put that
18:35little wooden block
18:36in a place
18:37you'll always be
18:37able to find it.
18:42Group,
18:43take five minutes
18:44of quiet introspection.
18:53Frazier,
18:54I have made a fist
18:55and I'm thinking
18:56of using it.
18:59You are not scaring me.
19:01The thumb goes
19:02on the outside,
19:04Niles,
19:04on the outside.
19:08How dare you
19:09try to steal my group?
19:10I don't need your group.
19:11I got a group of my own,
19:12half a million strong.
19:14Oh yes,
19:15you're legions.
19:16Why don't you rent a farm,
19:18pass out the body paint
19:19and call it
19:19Frazier stock?
19:22You know,
19:23I'm just a little tired
19:24of your condescending attitude.
19:25You have not missed
19:26one single opportunity
19:27to run down my show
19:28or grab a book
19:29off the shelf
19:30to help me
19:30get up to speed.
19:31By God,
19:32you're such a brilliant healer.
19:33You've even taken
19:34over the care
19:34of my chifreira.
19:35Well,
19:35you were starving
19:36enough sunlight.
19:38All right,
19:38fine,
19:39let's just give
19:39the little deer
19:40all the sunlight
19:41it needs.
19:49Are you insane?
19:52If I were a doctor,
19:54you'd never know it.
19:56Oh!
19:57You!
19:58And you know it's true
20:00because you don't have
20:01a single whit of person.
20:03You have no way
20:04to find whatsoever.
20:05You have no feeling
20:06in your life.
20:06You don't care
20:07about any person.
20:09Is that my group?
20:10Group?
20:11Oh,
20:11wait.
20:11Group.
20:12Come back,
20:12group.
20:14I'm very proud
20:15of this show
20:15of independence.
20:18I hope you're happy.
20:20If I were
20:21a doctor,
20:23you'd never know it.
20:24Stop saying that!
20:25I will not stop saying
20:27it to you.
20:27Dr. Crane.
20:29Dr. Crane.
20:30Hello,
20:31Dr. Schachter.
20:32What's going on?
20:33I'm having a discussion
20:34with my brother.
20:35I can hear your discussion
20:36across the hall
20:37of my office.
20:38Well,
20:39you see,
20:39he waltzed in here
20:40like the bell of the ball
20:41and in my balls
20:42and I've seen you
20:43dance all over him.
20:44Whoa,
20:45now look,
20:45you two are obviously
20:47in some distress.
20:49As you know,
20:50I am a specialist
20:52in couples therapy.
20:55Never treated brothers
20:57before,
20:57but still,
20:58you can step into
20:59my office.
21:00I'm sure I can help you.
21:02Hold it,
21:03hold it.
21:04I never said
21:05I'm sure I can help you.
21:07I said I may
21:09be able to help you.
21:12See how he twists
21:13your words?
21:14It's right here,
21:15buddy boy.
21:16Enough!
21:19You are doctors.
21:21I've never seen
21:21anything like this
21:22in my life.
21:24You think he's trying
21:25to steal your patients
21:26and you think
21:27he's trying to undermine
21:28you as a psychiatrist.
21:30But you must know
21:31what is at the root
21:33of this problem.
21:35He is!
21:35You have a fundamental
21:40lack of trust.
21:43It may be so deeply
21:45rooted by now
21:46that it's impossible
21:47to change,
21:48but there are
21:49certain exercises
21:51that we could try,
21:53provided you two are willing.
21:56Well,
21:57let's start,
21:58well,
21:58maybe.
21:59Let's start
22:00with the most
22:02basic
22:03trust exercise
22:05there is.
22:06Now,
22:07one of you
22:08simply stands
22:10on this footstool
22:12and falls
22:13backwards
22:14into your
22:16brother's
22:17waiting arms,
22:18thus demonstrating
22:19that we can
22:21trust each other.
22:23Dr. Crane,
22:24why don't you
22:24go first?
22:26All right.
22:27Just get up there,
22:29and let yourself
22:30go.
22:31Right?
22:31Mm-mm.
22:34All right.
22:39Is he standing
22:40directly behind me?
22:42Yes.
22:44Now,
22:44trust your brother.
22:50I'd feel better
22:51if he were wearing
22:52rubber soles.
22:53Oh,
22:53for God's sake,
22:54now,
22:54just get there.
22:55I'll go first,
22:56all right?
22:59Is he in position?
23:08Yes.
23:09Trust him.
23:15You should know
23:16he catches
23:16like a girl.
23:17I don't
23:22for anything
23:23to spit down,
23:23will you?
23:25This
23:25couldn't be easier.
23:27I get up here,
23:29I count to three,
23:31and you catch me.
23:33One,
23:33two,
23:34three.
23:39Why didn't you
23:40catch him?
23:41You were closer.
23:42It was your turn.
23:43It was my turn.
23:45That is it.
23:46That is it.
23:48You're 30 years
23:49as a couples therapist.
23:52I've never said
23:53what I'm about to say.
23:56Give up.
23:57It's hopeless.
24:03You are pathologically
24:05mistrustful
24:06of each other.
24:08Competitive
24:09to the point
24:10of madness.
24:14So trust me.
24:16Just
24:17meet each other
24:18at weddings
24:19and funerals
24:21and the rest
24:22of the time
24:23stay the hell
24:25away from each other.
24:27Now
24:30I am going
24:31to limp
24:32to the nearest pub
24:33and drink
24:35until the rest
24:36of me
24:37is as numb
24:37as my ass.
24:50Really?
24:52It's quite a diagnosis.
24:53Yes.
25:01But there's
25:01no denying it.
25:04We are
25:05vindictive
25:08and competitive.
25:10Petty.
25:11Mistrustful.
25:12And as so often
25:13in these cases
25:14took someone
25:16outside our situation
25:18to point it out
25:18to us.
25:19Well,
25:20Dad always said it,
25:21but he has
25:21no credentials.
25:25Well,
25:26there's no arguing
25:27that Dr.
25:27Schachter has credentials.
25:29My God,
25:30the man is
25:30an expert
25:31in his field.
25:34Graduated
25:34from the
25:34University of
25:35Grenada.
25:41Well,
25:46surely that was just
25:47his undergraduate
25:48schooling.
25:49Oh,
25:49yes,
25:49of course.
25:50His graduate
25:50work was done
25:51in...
25:53Aruba.
25:55An all-Caribbean
26:01schooling.
26:02Well,
26:03tolly me
26:03banana.
26:07I knew the man
26:08was a fraud
26:09the minute he
26:09opened his mouth.
26:10Oh,
26:10I'll have him
26:11out of his lease
26:11at the end of the week.
26:13Oh,
26:13Niles,
26:14we've still got time
26:15to catch a late lunch.
26:16Oh,
26:16Paris is just
26:17around the corner.
26:18Oh,
26:18here we go.
26:19Oh,
26:20Chez Chez is just
26:21as close.
26:21Yes,
26:21but the food
26:22at Paris is much
26:22better.
26:23Oh,
26:23Niles,
26:23compared to
26:25Chez Chez
26:25at Slop for Peg.
26:26Oh,
26:26have you lost
26:27your own voice?
26:27Shut up.
26:28Shut up.
26:32Hey,
26:32baby,
26:32I hear the blues
26:34are calling
26:34tossed salads
26:35and scrambled eggs.
26:39Mercy.
26:40And maybe
26:41I seem a bit
26:42confused.
26:43Well,
26:43maybe.
26:44But I got
26:45you pegged.
26:47Ha!
26:47Ha!
26:48Ha!
26:48Ha!
26:49Ha!
26:49But I don't
26:50know what to do
26:51with those
26:51tossed salads
26:52and scrambled eggs.
26:55Sigh.
26:56They're calling
26:57again.
26:59Good night,
27:00Seattle.
27:01We love you.