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FunTranscript
00:00We are not in our land, though.
00:13Ah!
00:14I'm not sure Kayla don't love it on my life.
00:16Like, it's happening, girl.
00:17It's happening.
00:18Yeah.
00:19Go, Alicia!
00:20Try to get her coordinated.
00:21Get some body awareness.
00:22A little bit of strength.
00:24Uh-oh.
00:26Hey, look that way.
00:28I've really been thinking a lot about what my family said about dating a country boy.
00:32So while I'm here, I need to create a whole new profile to show them I love to do farm stuff.
00:37How do I get this?
00:39I'm just going to pose like this.
00:42I want the guys to think, like, I'm a local.
00:45Yeah, I hope these guys out here love it.
00:47Kiss the chicken.
00:52I'm about to make a huge leap in my transition process.
00:56I am going to have my first gender-forming surgery.
01:00I wasn't really excited to get it done, but I'm really scared.
01:03Any kind of surgery is scary, especially because I'm having it on my face.
01:09I'm terrified.
01:13When he left, he did not go to China directly.
01:17He went to Arizona.
01:19Johnny had finally been able to save up enough money to come visit me in America.
01:23Then I learned some lies that he was telling about his departure.
01:27I don't think you need to worry about him, and I don't think I would.
01:31I would let him go.
01:34So, I really want to talk about Arizona.
01:37You really want to talk about that?
01:52Fast feet, fast feet.
01:53All the way through.
01:54Go, Alissi!
01:56Alissi just turned 18 months old.
01:58Now she's doing the Buff Mendez Baby Boot Camp.
02:01Thank you!
02:02Yeah!
02:03I'm just trying to get her coordinated.
02:06Get some body awareness.
02:08A little bit of strength.
02:10And conditioning.
02:11I'm Patrick.
02:12I'm 34 years old, and I live in Las Vegas, Nevada.
02:15I'm Thais.
02:16I'm 28 years old, and I'm from Brazil.
02:19No, Alissi!
02:22Yeah!
02:27Uh-oh.
02:28Thais and I met when I took a trip to Brazil to visit my dad.
02:33I put my location down on a dating app, and once I got there, that's when we started dating.
02:40I saw this, like, handsome man and strong.
02:44For two years, I went back and forth over 10 times, and eventually, I proposed.
02:52After that, we filed our paperwork for the K-1 visa, and she got here just a couple years ago.
02:57Yay!
02:59Amo!
03:01Oh, my Deus!
03:02Oh, my God!
03:06I love you all.
03:07I love you.
03:08Bye, my baby.
03:10And then, we got married.
03:12You may kiss the bride.
03:14Yay!
03:16Now he's celebrating.
03:17Yay!
03:19Shortly after we got married, we found out that Thais was pregnant, and we decided to move to Las Vegas.
03:28And now we have our beautiful daughter, Alissi.
03:30Oh...
03:34Go, see.
03:35Ahhhhhhh!
03:36Oh, shhh.
03:43Last year, in the middle of getting in the best shape of my life, I was playing flag football, and ended up tearing my left patella tendon.
03:55left patella tendon yeah i had to have a major surgery to repair it that's what the doctor said
04:02he says my knee looks like it's recovering really good and i can do this now it's no yeah now you
04:09can huh like for the last year like i can't do anything i gained a bunch of weight almost 20
04:19pounds it's been really hard because i've used exercise my entire life really to deal with
04:28anxiety or depression without exercise my mental health just doesn't go to a good place and so
04:38gotta whip myself back into shape and you know start that today with this little job hopefully
04:46goes well
04:52well it's kind of depressing
05:11i was going for a jog and yeah my knee was telling me i'm just not ready but
05:20i just wanted to get better
05:26i beat that boy how's the real rainbow
05:41i'm just not ready for it being injured and having such a slow recovery it's just been
06:00really really hard i just feel like my body's betrayed me all of a sudden
06:04yeah i'm getting older even my baby face is like starting to get wrinkles on it
06:10my eyes like squint when i smile so like that's why i have these wrinkles
06:14i don't think the botox is gonna help with my knee
06:29you are going to have your baby face back so that you have your confidence back botox will
06:36help you now and you can worry about the weight later
06:41i'm just wasting time just listen me
06:47okay just think about it
06:49all right i'll think about it
06:50okay
06:55oh no the mosquitoes still here
07:01As much as the idea of Botox kind of weirds me out, I think that just has a point.
07:16I'm a salesman, so looking good is definitely a big part of the job.
07:19And we have a saying on our team, if you look good, you feel good, you sell.
07:23And definitely after gaining weight, I mean, I haven't, you know, felt the best about the way I look.
07:28So who knows, maybe the Botox will give me some confidence, even though it's not going to solve all my problems.
07:35Hello there. Hi.
07:37You got Patrick here. Hi.
07:40I'm Dr. Trubish. What brings in?
07:42Can't wait.
07:43Well, I'm getting older, and so I figured I'd take a look and see what you guys can do.
07:48Okay. Tell me, like, what are the things that bug you when you look in the mirror?
07:53Hmm. The underneath the eyes, probably.
07:56Okay.
07:57And then I am getting, like, some crow's feet here.
07:59Okay. So lines around the eyes. Okay.
08:02They come from muscle overactivity.
08:04And then when we start injecting it with a wrinkle relaxer, all it does is it relaxes the muscle, and those lines are going to get better.
08:13Patrick, are you ready?
08:16Yeah.
08:16Oh my gosh, I don't need that.
08:18Okay.
08:19Now give me a big frown.
08:20Give me a big frown.
08:21Good, good.
08:22Hold it, hold it, hold it.
08:25One pull.
08:25Oh, there you go.
08:27Relax.
08:28How was that?
08:29That was fine.
08:32Just keep looking up.
08:34Exactly.
08:34Just focus.
08:35A little poke here.
08:37That's already it.
08:38I think John was calling.
08:45Hi, John.
08:46Hey.
08:48What's going on?
08:50Look what y'all brothers doing.
08:52Are you doing injections?
08:58Bro, what are you doing?
09:00Are you serious, bro?
09:02You know what else they do these days?
09:04They do injections for your, you know, your pole downstairs.
09:07You know what I'm saying?
09:09Can make it a little thicker.
09:10I'm just saying, if you're going to do something, go there, bro.
09:14Give it some more girth.
09:15You're ridiculous.
09:18Bye, John.
09:19Bye.
09:21Right, face to look normal.
09:22Just look more refreshed.
09:26Big difference.
09:29You look what you're doing.
09:32Well, you're definitely right.
09:34I look better.
09:35Feel better.
09:37Yeah.
09:37That looks great.
09:39Perfect.
09:39I'm definitely feeling more confident, and it's definitely helped put me back into a good place.
09:47Look at us, sexy, hot young parents, no wrinkles in sight.
09:52You see, look.
09:53Look at my eyebrows.
09:55There's nothing.
09:56There's no wrinkles.
09:57There is no wrinkles.
09:58Try to make a mad face.
10:02Wow.
10:09Time to get up, time to go out.
10:15Somebody's here.
10:19Hi, Sonny.
10:20Oh, Sonny.
10:21Oh, my God.
10:22You look amazing.
10:23Aw, thank you.
10:25My name is Cleo.
10:26I'm 33 years old, and I live in London.
10:31Hello.
10:32Oh, my God.
10:34Yeehaw.
10:35Today, I decided to throw a cow person ethereal indoors picnic party with all of my besties.
10:44Nice to see you, darling.
10:46So good.
10:46Oh, my God.
10:47I love her.
10:48It's so cool.
10:49How are you doing?
10:50You guys look amazing.
10:52And we are gathering together at my place to celebrate.
10:58The big news I'm about to share.
11:00I am a trans woman.
11:02And I'm about to make a huge leap in my transition process.
11:07It's a vegetarian meat.
11:10Nice.
11:10Here you go.
11:12But I was hoping that my fun enough boyfriend, Christian, could be part of that journey.
11:17One, two, three.
11:22I met Christian on social media.
11:25After seven months of talking, he came to London to meet me for the first time.
11:30Hi.
11:32How are you?
11:33I'm good.
11:35Finally being able to be together was amazing.
11:40But Christian constantly needed to get validation and flirting with other women made me insecure
11:45about whether he was really attracted to me as a trans woman.
11:49He eventually admitted the truth.
11:51I found out that it wasn't being really faithful.
11:54He told me that it could only be in some capacity in my life if he was able to f*** other people.
12:00And that's the last time I talked to him.
12:03It would have been so much easier if we had just been honest from the start.
12:08So, everybody, I'm sorry to interrupt.
12:15You know, we're all having fun.
12:16But I just wanted to, like, explain why I'm doing this party.
12:20I am going to have my first gender-affirming surgery.
12:24I have a bus.
12:25And I'm going to Texas.
12:27Oh, my God.
12:28Oh, my God.
12:29It's nice to meet you.
12:30It's nice to meet you.
12:30It's nice to meet you.
12:31It's nice to meet you.
12:31Yeah.
12:32In just a few days, I'm flying all the way to Texas to undergo facial feminization surgery.
12:42It's so exciting to meet you.
12:44It's exciting.
12:45It's exciting.
12:46It's exciting.
12:47Yeehaw.
12:48I am going to Texas because I did a lot of research, and it fits within my budget, and
12:55it's also a well-respected and reputed surgeon that performs this procedure.
12:59That's good.
13:00So, that is the best soda pop I've ever had.
13:07Anyway, tell us about it.
13:08Tell us about it.
13:09Yeah.
13:10So, like, I just thought, you know, for me personally, I wanted to start with what's more
13:14suitable, like my Adam's apple and my hairline, because I'm just really subconscious, because
13:18I had some hair loss before I started my HRT.
13:20So this means a lot to me, and I've been watching this for, like, probably, like, 15 years
13:25in 20 years.
13:26I'm having my Adam's apple shaved off to make it, like, less pointy and less prominent,
13:31and then I'm having my forehead lowered on the sides where I had some hair loss before
13:36I started my hormones.
13:37Obviously, I'm really excited to get it done, but I'm really scared.
13:40It's okay to be scared, though, like, it's going to be a life-changing thing.
13:44I'm super forward to that, but I know it's going to be hard.
13:46Well, I'm really proud of you.
13:47Yeah.
13:48Yeah.
13:49Absolutely.
13:50Absolutely.
13:51I may do say, bad girls go for Texas, so good.
13:55Up until this point, I never had any gender-affirming, feminizing procedures.
14:07All I've done has been being on hormone replacement therapy.
14:10If this goes well, I can see myself having more transition-related surgeries, probably breast
14:17augmentation or potentially bottom surgery.
14:19Like, you know, maybe I'll have somebody swoop me off my feet, and I'm just thinking, like,
14:24a cowboy, like, a man in a black shirt, right?
14:27Are you moving on?
14:29I just have to, like, kind of, like, force myself to move on.
14:35You deserve so much better than that person, so much better.
14:40In a way, like, it's good that this is happening right when I'm about to do the first step towards
14:45matching my exterior to how I feel inside.
14:49Yeah, full circle, mama.
14:50It's a full circle, mama.
14:52Okay.
14:53I'm really excited to see what, like, all the new things that are going to come to you,
14:57and I know that everything's going to be amazing and incredible.
15:01How are we going to wait for that?
15:03That's going to be a, like, celebration.
15:04That's a celebration.
15:12I'm into yoga now, and I'm a little anxious, but, um, I should make it there on two.
15:19I am leaving for taxes.
15:21I'm so excited.
15:23I cannot wait to have my facial immunization surgery.
15:27I'm on my way, and the wait is over.
15:29I'm finally making this happen.
15:31I made it through security.
15:35Um, I hate airports so bad with so many people.
15:40It's so nice in here.
15:41It's so chaotic.
15:42I always got lost.
15:44I've dreamed of death since I was 12 years old, when I was becoming more and more aware that I was born in the Bronx.
16:02I've dreamed of death since I was 12 years old, when I was becoming more and more aware that I was born in the Bronx body.
16:15Having my Adam's apple shaved, my hairline lowered, and my brow bone softened will finally make the person that I see in the mirror a step closer to being the person I see on the inside.
16:28I am in Texas.
16:31The weather is beautiful.
16:33Yay!
16:34Sarcasm.
16:35Just switch the lights up.
16:38Tomorrow morning is my surgery, and I have just realized that being here in America is like a bittersweet feeling because on one hand, I have some good memories.
17:02But on the other hand, being here makes me really miss my ex a lot.
17:12He was part of this part of my journey.
17:16We were so close to reaching his milestone together.
17:23I'm feeling sad that he's not going to be part of this part of my journey in any capacity.
17:32Tomorrow is my FFS.
17:40I cannot believe it.
17:42It's insane.
17:44I'm super excited and trusting the process.
17:48The mood is trusting the process.
17:50Me and my parents drove up from Florida to Missouri to visit my brother, his wife, his kids.
18:13We've been staying here and helping out on the farm.
18:15This is my brother.
18:16Hello.
18:17Chris.
18:18My mom and dad.
18:20Hello.
18:21I'm Courtney.
18:22I'm 33 from Orlando, Florida.
18:24Today, me and my parents are trying to help do stuff around the farm for them.
18:35We're going to help clean up the chicken coop.
18:38Okay, Courtney.
18:39We're going to move the chickens out of the coop.
18:42Hold this weed down.
18:44There you go.
18:46It's scratching.
18:51Oh, my God.
18:52We are not in Orlando.
18:54Do you know something that's kind of gross?
18:56Whenever I eat eggs, it's kind of like a chicken's period.
18:59Like, every day, they, like, lay an egg for their ovulation.
19:02I'm like, oh.
19:04Oh, there's feathers on the camera.
19:08Oh.
19:09Oh, there's flies.
19:12I've never seen you work this hard in your life.
19:14Yeah.
19:15Do you think I'm going to do this?
19:16Mom and dad are making me do this.
19:17I'm going to help a guide.
19:18Well, I guess you can better find one.
19:23Yeah.
19:24When I was 26, I went to Spain to meet a male model named Antonio.
19:29But we ultimately broke up because of trust issues.
19:33Then when I was visiting Malaysia, I went online.
19:37I met Elvis.
19:38Okay.
19:39Let me focus on going down the stairs.
19:41Oh!
19:42It's on me.
19:43It's on me.
19:44It's on me.
19:45Oh, my God.
19:46Okay.
19:47I want to leave.
19:48We connected.
19:49We had a lot of fun.
19:51But then he got hit by a car.
19:53So, yeah.
19:55I didn't believe he got hit by a car.
19:57I'm like, are you just telling me you got hit by a car because you don't want to hang out
20:00with me?
20:01He sent me photos of, like, the x-rays and, like, the dates.
20:04And then I had the flight back to the US.
20:06So, things kind of fizzled out because of long distance.
20:09But I still think about him.
20:10He's a nice guy.
20:12What do you think?
20:13You think she overfunded you?
20:16What?
20:18She rolled her eyes.
20:20I think she seemed to be boyfriend.
20:22You should just change your expectations.
20:25Are you even talking to Grandma?
20:27I think so, too.
20:28It seems like every guy you've been choosing is kind of the same.
20:32I think you need to change what you're looking for.
20:36Well, yeah, I'm trying to find somebody loyal and dependable.
20:40But I keep attracting, like, liars and cheaters and narcissists.
20:44So, I don't know.
20:45You won't be happy with any of that.
20:47Well, don't find them on Tinder.
20:50How do you know about Tinder?
20:52Yeah.
20:53I've got my book.
20:55Since I started dating, I've been, like, fighting my parents.
20:58Like, they always keep trying to lead me.
21:00Like, no, come to, like, this Christian country boy.
21:03And I'm always, like, no, I'm, like, traveling the world.
21:05But the older I'm getting, I'm, like, oh, my God.
21:07Maybe my parents are right.
21:09Maybe I need to go back to my roots.
21:12Go back to the Midwest.
21:14I don't know.
21:16Don't worry, Courtney.
21:17It's probably going to work out.
21:19No.
21:24I want to cry.
21:30So, put your sunglasses on.
21:32I'll give you something to remember.
21:35Give you everything you ever want.
21:39Look at the horse.
21:40Don't get my double chin.
21:42You got to put the phone up higher, Courtney.
21:44Yeah.
21:45I've really been thinking a lot about what my family said
21:48about dating a country boy.
21:50So, while I'm here, I need to create a whole new profile
21:52to show them I love to do farm stuff.
21:55If I want to find my country boy here,
21:57I guess I'll try to embrace country court.
22:00Put your hand on your hip.
22:03Hold the steering wheel.
22:06Perfect.
22:08Can't look that way.
22:10Good.
22:12Got it.
22:15Great.
22:16The camera loves you.
22:18How do I get this?
22:20I'm just going to pose like this.
22:22I want the guys to take me more seriously and not like,
22:26oh, she's just here looking for a good time,
22:29looking for a hookup.
22:30I'm trying to keep it G rated.
22:33It's a small town.
22:34I don't like shame my family.
22:36I'm like the one week I'm there.
22:38Kiss the chicken.
22:40I want them to think like I'm a local.
22:43Yeah, I hope these guys out here love it.
22:46Kenzie's off editing my photos.
22:49I'm excited to see what she did to them.
22:51Yeah, this new profile is going to be a really good man.
23:00Okay, my brother doesn't even have like internet or Wi-Fi here.
23:03So let me see if the dating apps even work.
23:06Like, I don't even know if people use dating apps out here or what.
23:15This guy's profile says professional roller coaster climber.
23:20Like what?
23:21I didn't even know that's a profession.
23:23I don't know.
23:24I'm confused.
23:25This guy's like in the dirt.
23:27Like literally.
23:28Would this guy super swipe me?
23:31Let's see.
23:36Neck tats.
23:38Like, no.
23:41I'm like not too sure about like the type of men in this town.
23:47I don't know.
23:49Yeah, that's all I have to say about that.
23:52Finding a needle in a haystack is what online dating is like.
23:55Finding the needle in the haystack.
23:57Okay, I'm still getting ready.
24:13I just showered.
24:14I need to do my makeup.
24:15But I see they're loading horses.
24:17Get in, bitch.
24:18We're going girl racing.
24:20Right?
24:24Today, we're going to the rodeo.
24:26I'm excited to see my niece and nephew barrel race.
24:29Barrel racing?
24:30A horse and rider run around three barrels in a pattern.
24:33And the fastest time wins.
24:35Oh my God, my hair looks like .
24:38I haven't had a lot of luck on the dating sites yet.
24:41But my brother Chris has a single friend he'd like me to meet.
24:45So I'm excited to see what happens.
24:48Do you think you could imagine being a farmer's wife?
24:53I think my mom would love that.
24:54Yeah, that's probably my mom's dream for me to be a farmer's wife.
24:57Woohoo!
25:06Oh my God, that horse has a big penis.
25:08What?
25:10It was pooping.
25:11Oh.
25:12Hell.
25:13Sometimes he gets .
25:20So I guess my brother's friend is coming.
25:23I just want to meet him, see if we vibe.
25:26It's so hard to look hot when it's this hot out.
25:28Like, I'm a mess right now.
25:32Hey.
25:33Do you want to break down or what?
25:35Hi.
25:36Hello.
25:37Hi.
25:38I'm Courtney.
25:39Bubba.
25:40I don't know what to say.
25:43I'm Courtney.
25:44Courtney?
25:45Nice to meet you.
25:46Yo.
25:47Did Chris tell you?
25:48You're Chris's sister?
25:49Yeah.
25:50Did he tell you he has a sister?
25:51I know.
25:52Never brought you up.
25:53You don't tell people you have a sister?
25:55No, I'll tell people not.
25:57Yeah.
25:58This is so awkward.
26:00Like, I've never dated a country boy before.
26:03I have no idea, like, what to do, what to say.
26:06Like, what do you talk to a cowboy about?
26:09So, are you good at manly stuff?
26:13Well, yeah.
26:14I do all kinds of manly stuff.
26:16Like what?
26:17You fix the house or the car.
26:20Oh.
26:21Oh.
26:22Yeah.
26:25Do construction work for a living and tend to land and...
26:29Do you have a farm or animals or something?
26:31Do you have a farm?
26:33Yes.
26:34Some animals.
26:35Yes.
26:36And where'd you grow up?
26:37Me and Chris grew up in Illinois and I moved to Florida.
26:40Okay.
26:41I mean, I like being here.
26:42It's fun being here.
26:43I was like, no Wi-Fi at Chris's house.
26:45So, I can't even be on the internet.
26:47Yeah.
26:48It's a break from the world.
26:50Do you have internet at your house?
26:51Well, yeah.
26:52Yeah.
26:53I mean, I don't live that backwoods.
26:55Come on now.
26:56We've got running water, if you believe that or not.
27:01Courtney, I think she's a very pretty girl and genuine.
27:05And she seems like she's a sweetheart.
27:08Yeah.
27:09I mean, I like being here.
27:10You should have hit the breeze.
27:11You should have hit the breeze.
27:12Do you want to change the breeze?
27:13I like Joe.
27:17I think he's cute.
27:19I think he's nice.
27:20He's not like other guys.
27:22It was really refreshing meeting a guy that's so open and honest.
27:27We went to his truck.
27:28He showed me his cowboy hat.
27:30Aww.
27:31Looking into the future, I just want to keep an open mind and keep my heart at the forefront.
27:40Hi.
27:41What do you guys think about Joe?
27:42He really likes him, Courtney.
27:43I mean, he's looking around all the time and never impressed him.
27:46Yeah.
27:47No, I'm not talking about the baby.
27:48I'm talking about Joe.
27:49I think my dad's describing the baby.
27:50He's like boyfriend, I think.
27:51Boyfriend already?
27:52We just...
27:53Well...
27:54She didn't say hug.
27:55Ah!
27:56Ha!
27:57Ha!
27:58Ha!
27:59Ha!
28:00Ha!
28:01Ha!
28:02Ha!
28:03Ha!
28:04Ha!
28:05Ha!
28:07Ha!
28:08Ha!
28:09Ha!
28:10Ha!
28:11Ha!
28:12Ha!
28:13Ha!
28:14Ha!
28:15Ha!
28:16Ha!
28:17Ha!
28:18Ha!
28:19Ha!
28:20Ha!
28:21Ha!
28:22Ha!
28:23Ha!
28:24Ha!
28:25Ha!
28:26I turned this on 21 times.
28:28This is our big line.
28:30This is for watering our field, growing our hay, to feed the cows for the winter.
28:36My name is Ella and I am 32 years old and I live in Mackie, Idaho.
28:41Ha!
28:42Ha!
28:43Ha!
28:44Ha!
28:45Ha!
28:46Ha!
28:47I am living with my grandmother.
28:49I started working on my family's ranch full-time with my mother these last few months.
28:59The physical labor that is required on a ranch is super enduring, so you definitely tone up.
29:07I get my steps in because I have lost everywhere.
29:10Yep.
29:11Ha!
29:12And I've lost a lot of weight and I am feeling fantastic.
29:16Heck yeah!
29:17Look at how great this lady looks.
29:18Ha!
29:19Ha!
29:20Ha!
29:21Ha!
29:22Ha!
29:23Ha!
29:24Ha!
29:25Ha!
29:26Ha!
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30:17surreal moment it was so exciting it was so amazing to finally be able to touch him and be
30:25like oh my god you're real we went on a camping trip we went horseback riding and it was very
30:34very very fun looking good cowboy but then something changed and johnny had to go back
30:42to china earlier than expected
30:44say hi to mom
30:51hey mom how's it going good how are you doing good my mom initially had concerns about my
31:03relationship with johnny but after she met him in person she actually thought he was a really great
31:08guy so that's why i've been really nervous to admit to my mother the truth about johnny's
31:16departure so have you heard from johnny lately he keeps saying that like he's gonna come this year
31:23but he just seemed so hesitant i haven't been telling you this because i was just like
31:28i didn't want you to like hate him
31:31he said he was going to be here for at least three to six months the full visa term
31:38but i don't think you know that he realized how expensive america was so he was only here for like
31:4645 days and then he left and then when he left he did not go to china directly he went to arizona
31:54what do you mean he went to arizona
32:01i get this message recently from a girl from arizona saying that like she's dating him and they're together
32:10i confronted johnny who did admit that after leaving me in idaho he went to arizona to see this
32:20other woman that he had been talking to for a while before coming here to america to meet me
32:26and he went to stay with her for three days before going back to china he's tried to like
32:32earn forgiveness and tried to apologize it was the biggest mistake in my life i'm like yeah it was
32:38he claims that they were just friends hanging out and nothing happened you were here hanging out
32:44with me and then you went to go see this girl in arizona don't tell me you didn't like do stuff with
32:50her too like i'm not stupid yeah you deserve better than that just finding out that he went to arizona
33:00to see another woman really makes me mad i'm not going to swear but i really want to i love him but
33:11it sucks to feel like my love wasn't enough to fix it and it makes you wonder and just it just like
33:22beats you up a little bit even though johnny and i are still together it's painful being in a
33:31relationship with someone so far away that i feel i can't trust i don't think you need to worry about
33:38him and i don't think i would i would let him go
33:40look at that view
33:47nice i have been putting so much effort into bettering myself these past few months and i'm
33:57really ready to start planning for an actual future not just a make-believe one
34:01so i have a really big decision today and my head is just spinning i guess it's time to uh
34:10see if i can't get in touch with him
34:13so how are you no i'm good how are you
34:31am i'm all right you look great
34:34so what exactly are you thinking with this anymore
34:41i i i say i'm trying to save up again to visit in idaho
34:48this whole year has been the same as all the other years
34:52you keep delaying and it just makes me feel like you really don't want to be here
34:59you know the ticket how much it costs but what you don't understand is that money comes and
35:07goes money always comes and goes what i can't handle coming and going is you
35:11i really want to talk about arizona you you really want to talk about that
35:18well you left to go see another girl and then you left back to china
35:24my point is is that you you change all the time you're never consistent
35:29i'm gonna try my best to show you i can make it happen
35:33i just don't think that i can handle this anymore
35:42i really want to be able to start a family and have a life with someone
35:52and it's been four years and it's not gone anywhere
35:59i just don't think that we're meant to be together
36:05uh you you you you think we should really let it go
36:13i truly love you and i am going to miss you so much
36:28i can only say last summer i tried my best but it didn't succeed
36:39there is a really kind of a big piece
36:43it is missing from my heart
36:47all right i'm gonna go now i appreciate you i love you i wish you nothing but happiness
36:57okay
36:57we just spent four years the love is still there but i'm just i'm tired of being strong along
37:14i want someone here
37:16i think i've learned from my mistakes from this relationship
37:24and i'm really looking forward to the future
37:27give me something better
37:37oh my god look how huge my nose apple look in this light
37:45it's a big as adam's apple right here
37:47i'm cleo i'm 33 years old and i am a trans woman
37:53my 90 days journey began when i met my ex-boyfriend christian
37:57but things ultimately did not work out
38:00now i'm really trying to focus on myself
38:04and move forward with the things i want to do in life
38:06so i'm in texas getting facial feminization surgery
38:10this is something i've been wanting for over a decade
38:13and it's finally happening
38:15oh my gosh she's here
38:17hello
38:21oh my god
38:23oh my god
38:26hi
38:26my friend amy flew here from ohio to be by my side
38:32we met online through social media
38:34and we became really close
38:36and she offered to be with me throughout my recovery
38:39i'm literally so excited
38:41amy here came with all of her like super helpful like ice packs and
38:47all the surgery secrets
38:49all the surgery secrets that i think you need for aftercare
38:53so i'm in good hands
38:54i literally have so much anxiety about the surgery
38:57so having her here is so helpful
39:00i can't believe like i'm having my first like transition surgery
39:27like it's happening girl
39:30it's happening
39:30yeah yeah it's a big deal
39:32it's this is monumental
39:33it is
39:34it is such a pivotal moment of my life
39:36this is the first step of medical surgical transition
39:40i'm so nervous
39:43any kind of surgery is scary
39:46especially because i'm having it on my face
39:49my face is my job
39:51because i'm a model
39:52i'm a sign model
39:53so this isn't just about my looks and my gender dysphoria
39:57this is about my livelihood and my job
40:00i'm terrified
40:01i can't
40:12i can't
40:30thank you so much for cooking this beautiful breakfast
40:34you're welcome girl
40:35you're welcome
40:36although i'm feeling a lot better
40:40as a whole
40:42my swelling is still there and it's still happening
40:44and
40:46i feel like my face is still producing liquid
40:50you know what i mean
40:51i'm just checking out this staple
40:54and it looks pretty
40:54it's good
40:55it's kind of subtle in a way
40:57let's get your drugs
40:58yes so we have four steroids
41:01and then we have your
41:03antibiotics
41:04one two three four five six seven
41:06seven
41:07and those counts are nine plus seven so that's sixteen
41:10mm-hmm
41:10and then
41:11stool softener
41:12absolutely useless
41:13we'll do whatever softening we can
41:15exactly
41:15because when you do take your caca
41:16you don't want to be straining
41:18yes
41:18no one will
41:19we don't want to burst any staples
41:22right right
41:23exactly can you imagine trying to s*** so hard
41:27let's hug my face
41:29okay
41:29hi you guys
41:46i am back in london
41:48and it has been five months since my surgery
41:51i am not happy about my results
41:55and
41:56things didn't heal as expected
41:59and
42:01i'm gonna have to be thinking about my next steps
42:04this is obviously a very hard time for me
42:09but
42:10i am blessed with a really good support system
42:15i think it's so important to find the silver lining
42:18and the blessings
42:19in everything that happens to you
42:22and i don't yet know
42:23what the blessing is
42:25in this experience
42:26but i am trying to
42:29find it