Dave & Chuck the Freak talk about a man who was caught stealing a dildo from a sex shop and think James could have a successful business as a dildo consultant.
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00:00If you're stealing electronics, and I am, you may not care if it's new in the box or
00:13if it's the store model, but what about if it's a sex toy?
00:18A dude in Australia was caught on a surveillance camera stealing from an adult store.
00:24The owner says he picked up a box, saw the $142 price tag, and put it down.
00:35The item was a very big dildo.
00:40Goes with a hefty price.
00:42Yeah, it does.
00:43But then he grabbed a tester version that was sitting out, shoved it in his pocket, and walked away.
00:52Tester version?
00:53Well, you don't think you could actually test it.
00:58Tester version?
00:58But you know what I mean.
00:59It's a display model.
01:00They have a mouth there where you can touch it and see, oh, it does actually feel like a real skin.
01:04Yeah.
01:05Oh, look how strong the suction cup is.
01:06Oh, look at what he liked, huh?
01:08You're that desperate for anal play, you're going to steal it?
01:12I guess to me, it's probably a money thing.
01:17But generally, if you have a satchel like that, I'm sure he could have afforded it.
01:24Yeah, probably.
01:25So is it an embarrassment thing?
01:27It's $142 that day.
01:28Is it an embarrassment?
01:30I think he just wanted to save the money.
01:32Yeah, I think so.
01:33He managed to get out of the store without being caught, but now the cops have this video and
01:38they're looking for him.
01:39The owner said the guy must have thought the floor model was easier to steal than the one
01:43in the box, but he said hygienic-wise, stealing a tester wouldn't be my first choice.
01:48You throw it in the dishwasher, you're good to go.
01:50Yep.
01:51Throw it in the dishwasher a couple times and give it a, you know, sit right on it.
01:55Sit right on it.
01:57Never used, but of course touched by a lot of people.
02:00Yeah.
02:01Oh yeah, look, they have all of them out there.
02:05Yeah, I would have made a different choice.
02:09I'll let you go in there and play Goldilocks with their dildos.
02:12I guess, though.
02:13I mean, he wanted the biggest one.
02:15I'll just say that.
02:16Usually when you're in one of those stores, too, they're there for you to where you can
02:20touch them, but they're also attached to a wire string to where you can only get them
02:24so far.
02:24Yeah.
02:25Almost the way that old iPhone stores used to have it.
02:28Like they use the same, the same.
02:30Like a pen at the bank?
02:31Yeah.
02:32It's on a chain?
02:33Yeah.
02:33That kind of thing?
02:34Yeah.
02:35Those are pretty high end, man.
02:37Well, I guess that's what I'm saying.
02:38I'm surprised they have so many just sitting out there out of the box.
02:40Well, the one that he has is like, from what I've seen, it's a huge, like, anatomically
02:47correct penis.
02:48Yes.
02:49With a big suction cup.
02:50Yeah.
02:50But it's like.
02:51That is the scientific.
02:52Yeah.
02:52Maybe Andre the Giant's dong.
02:54Yeah.
02:55It's huge.
02:56Or Dave's.
02:57So, James, you believe they're testing, like, the feel of it?
03:02Yeah.
03:02So you get a feel for what it feels like.
03:04So you have an idea what the size is.
03:06If it vibrates, usually you're able to, like, test the different vibrating functions.
03:11You know?
03:12As close as you can get to trying it before you buy it.
03:14Yeah.
03:15That's what they try to give you.
03:17Hold it up to you.
03:18Yeah.
03:18You know?
03:19You want to make sure.
03:20I never thought of that.
03:20It's going to do the job, you know?
03:22I guess.
03:22Because if you drop it at $142, you don't want to drop $142 and realize, oh, this is
03:27not big enough for my hole.
03:28Because there's no.
03:29Yeah.
03:29Wow.
03:30Yes.
03:30Wow.
03:31Yeah.
03:31It's so funny that, James, you're our dildo expert on the show.
03:34He is, man.
03:34Because you always refer to him.
03:36I'm just thinking, like, why don't you own a store or something, a dildo store?
03:40Because I do better making appearances at them and getting people to come in and buy
03:44them.
03:44That's how you get all your knowledge.
03:45That's how I get all my knowledge.
03:46Do you imagine James doing customer service at the dildo store if anything went wrong?
03:50I can.
03:51He just whipped dildos and people?
03:52Yeah, no.
03:53If stuff went wrong, I'd be the shoplifter to death with the American Challenge, man.
03:57Oh, yeah, he would.
03:58That swing damn bad boy.
03:59If a Karen came in and asked to speak to the manager.
04:02This thing stopped working after four hours.
04:04Oh, let's see what you think about this.
04:05This is weird, bitch.
04:07A strawberry flavor.
04:08It's our worst seller.
04:11I hate strawberries.
04:12You come back in, you're going to whip you with some anal beads.
04:14Oh, no.
04:15He'd be dragged out of there in cuffs once a week.
04:18That's true.
04:18I've often thought that if the news had dildo situations going on, they should have James
04:24on as the expert.
04:25I'd love to be consulted as a dildo expert.
04:27Oh, my God.
04:28Incredible.
04:28I would just put it on a resume.
04:31Give business cards to me.
04:33Just put it on LinkedIn, and then CNN is like, oh, my God, did you hear he was attacked
04:39by a giant dildo?
04:40We need to find a dildo.
04:41Quick, look up a dildo expert.
04:43Oh, my God, there is one.
04:44I prefer to be referred to as a dildo connoisseur.
04:47It's classier.
04:48Yeah.
04:50There you go.
04:51Dildo connoisseur.
04:52Yeah, but I would never recommend James get into that line of work.
04:54No, no, no.
04:55I didn't think it through.
04:56Because you got to deal with a lot of people, and sometimes James...
04:59I won't even tell you what I do to a pervert who's manhandling one of my sex dolls.
05:02Yeah.
05:03But I would say, if I was going to start my own, I'd bring him in as a dildo consultant.
05:08Oh, yeah.
05:08Consultant.
05:09Oh, yeah.
05:09I'd be like, listen, you got to let me know what I need to stock here.
05:12Oh, I love that.
05:13Consultant.
05:14Oh, yeah.
05:14Consultant's a good word.
05:16Because they don't do any work, really, right?
05:18No, but they know their stuff.
05:19We work with many of them.
05:19They get paid like twice a month.
05:21Yeah, right?
05:22That's what you need.
05:23It's a dildo consultant.
05:24That's the perfect job for me.
05:25Yep.
05:26Would recommend in this neighborhood.
05:27Have you guys ever thought of doing something like Jerry Seinfeld does?
05:33Why don't we sit down and watch this episode of Seinfeld?
05:39Consultant talk right there.
05:41That was.
05:41That's real.
05:42That's legitimate.
05:43This guy said, I'll correct you.
05:45I'm a dude.
05:47I've used one of those rabbits on myself.
05:50It is nice.
05:50It tickles your taint.
05:52Oh, okay.
05:53I see.
05:53Thanks for chiming in.
05:54I see.
05:54Thanks for your text.
05:55I just would have thought I would have been a bit wasted on a guy.
05:59A crazy visual of a dude just with his ankles up to his ears and his hands.
06:03Wow.
06:05Consultant.
06:05He knows.
06:06He's the human pleasure pretzel.
06:09Pleasure pretzel.
06:10Yeah.
06:11He knows.
06:12There you go.
06:12Look for James Dildo Consulting to come soon.
06:16Incredible.
06:18Love the wording of that, Dave.
06:19Yeah.
06:20Hi, James.
06:21I'm trying to figure out what I should use.
06:24Arrive suit.
06:24Amazing.
06:26Dildo Hotline.
06:27Dildo Hotline.